White Crows (2015) - full transcript
This is a fat beat! Don't you think Stoli?
Yeah he really likes it.
There, I fixed it!
[screaming]
[thud]
Are you okay?
[screaming]
Why are we screaming and jumping?
Because, we're going to Hollywood!
Screaming continues
Wait wait, how did you get this audition?
I sent my pictures online and
I got electronic email for audition in Hollywood.
We've been saving since we were kids to get
out of this place and go to Hollywood but
we barely have more
than enough to get there.
Anya money is not a problem
once we go into Hollywood.
[screaming continues]
Wait! Whats the part?
It's a very important part.
It is 'Beautiful Russia
Girl Number One'.
You mean beautiful Russian girl number one?
No! Beautiful Russia girl number one.
That sounds like an important part, I can't argue with that.
Then we are really going to Hollywood bitches?
[screaming]
I don't know if we are ready.
Of course we're ready. I got an audition.
I'm gonna be the next Marilyn Monroe!
I am going to be in big, American movie.
Can you believe it, Anya?
Hollywood! Hollywood!
Okay , we're definitely going!
[screaming continues]
I can't wait until we arrive in
Hollywood for my important audition,
in big American movie.
Actually, for our auditions.
What?
Lalya and I went online and we submitted
photos of ourselves for the part
and they're giving
us auditions too.
No! 'Beautiful Russian Girl
Number One' is my part for me.
I'm beautiful Russian girl!
Look Natasha I
thought if we all audition,
there will be three times
more chance of getting the job
so we can afford to rent
a little place in Hollywood.
No! You just stole my Beautiful Russia Girl Number One.
You just stold it!
Look Natasha what about this?
We will audition for the beautiful
Russian girl number 2 or 3 or something.
We'll tell them but we better
do that when we get there.
Will it work with you?
It could probably work but I must be number one.
Come on lets do that!
Okay! Lets do it!
I cant wait until we get to America
where we could live in a gansta paradise.
Its gonna so G.
BGB, BOC, BBC, CPC.
[laughing]
So why are we still here?
We have to get ready! Come on, get up!
Ooh! Turbulence!
I felt that in my stomach!
I hope there is much more turbulence.
[barks]
Stoli! No!
Sorry. Sorry, yo.
Sorry, sorry.
[Stage whispering.] Stoli!
Stoli?
Ow! What the fuck? Stewardess!
Mr. Don Carlo!
I am so sorry your travel
is being interrupted--
Who's damn rat is this!
Stoli is no rat!
He is legit dog!
Touch him and I will
bust a cap in your ass!
I'm sorry. I will take her back to seat. No problem here.
- No problem? This suit was worn by James Bond...
- Haters!
Oh, you know what?
Dogs are not
allowed on the plane.
I'm sorry, but there is a dog right there!
Mr. Kissyface is a frequent flyer
who has paid for his own seat.
Thank you very much.
Oh, my precious little...
Listen stewardess, why don't
you leave that girl's dog alone?
- But--
- Look, what are you gonna do?
You gonna open up a window at fifty
million feet, sucking us all out into space
where our heads explode
and we die? Come on..
We're flying at the height of thirty-five thousand feet.
What are you, an astronaut or something?
I know how high we're flying.
Who called you over here
anyway, stewardess? Come on.
I'm a flight attendant.
Thank you
Yeah! No Problem!
No problem.
- Turbulence.
- Yeah?
Mr. Kissyface and I didn't feel any turbulence.
Yeah?
Well no one cares what you or
Mr. Kissyface think alright?
So why don't you keep your yaps shut,
unless you plan playing tonsil
hockey again with the pooch.
Sorry about that Ms., uh?
Natasha.
Natasha.
It's a pleasure.
Please, join me.
Lucky you have empty seat next to you.
No luck at all.
I always buy an extra
seat when I travel.
You know, just in case I meet
someone worth traveling with.
What are you doing?
Letting sexy wind blow hair?
I am like Russian
Marilyn Monroe, don't you think?
Hey.
Hey I think you've
got the wrong seat.
My wife actually just went
to the bathroom real quick,
I think she's coming back in like two
seconds. Just so you know, so if you can--
Can I help you?
I like your bling!
My...
No this is not, its a wedding ring.
For my wife who's coming back in two seconds.
So if you can move seats
for me that would be...
I want to be one of you.
Uh, one of what? Uhm...
As a rapper.
No.. um, what kind of racist
shit is.. no I'm not a rapper.
Alright just because I'm black doesn't
make a rapper. I'm a business man.
You are my brotha
from anotha motha, G!
Can I spit on your next album?
No, please. Please don't.
I don't want you spitting on
anything that I own. At all. No.
I got hoes in different area codes,
my homie, my dawg, my nigga--
Hey, hey! What?
What the hell did you just say to me?
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry nothing. Better get your ass back over
there before you see a real nigga today!
- Move back. Move back. Move back.
- Sorry. Sory. Sorry, yo.
Whoops! Sorry, sorry.
What happened?
I met a real rapper.
Stewardess!
I sat in his bitch's seat.
Where's Natasha?
Yeah, yeah.
I’m like a Francis
Ford Coppola and
Steven Speilberg all rolled into
one with a little Jerry Bruckheimer.
- I didn't know that!
- Yeah...
Listen uhm...
Here.
Take this.
What is this?
You can use it to get
anything you want.
You and your friends.
Uhh, it's like credit card?
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, yeah. It's like credit card.
Anything you want.
I must show my girls!
May I show it to girls?
Absolutely!
Oh my God.
She's dumb as a box of retarded hammers.
[snaps]
Just what I needed.
Hi.
He's dumber than I thought.
What is that?
This is like a credit card.
Oh my god, is that a black card?
What does that mean?
It's like Jay-Z has. No limit.
This isn't right.
By the way Lalya I think I saw a real rapper overthere.
I know.
Bravo! Bravo!
Are you with the hospitality crew?
Where is it?
Are you playing on a pogo stick or something overthere?
I'm not playing.
Don, for the last time.
Where is it!?
Did you lose something?
I mean, you know, besides from the hormones
that you need to grow outside puberty.
Search it again.
We did search it again. We have to let him go.
Ow! Watch it!
I'm sorry.
I thought I was loosening
instead of tightening.
Ow!
You're free to go.
Don!
Welcome to Los Angeles.
Look!
It is probably the
American way of say hello.
Be careful Anya.
People over here are so kind and welcoming!
Look! Film makers with my name on sign!
Where is sign with my name?
I must be the first choice for
'Beautiful Russian Girl Number One'.
[kiss]
I'll show you who is first choice for
'Beautiful Russia Girl Number One'.
[kiss]
First show me where the sign with your name is.
Anya!
Saratova?
How come I get harassed every
time I get to the fucking airport?
Profiling because you're an
Italian man named Don?
Shut up!
Maybe it's because you actually
are involved in organized crime.
We gotta follow that limo!
- Yes Sir!
- Shut up!
When do we arrive at the crib?
Or do we go
straight to the studio?
Stop it, they're watching you.
Of course they
are looking at me.
I am the muckety-muck of
a big, important movie now.
Muckety-muck?
Muckety-muck, big pimping,
mothafucka, boss, diva, the shit. Got it?
I don't know where we're going.
Hello?
What do you mean?
I'm in the limo with--
Driver!
Stop the car.
You are not Saratova!
She is Saratova.
Katherine Saratova?
No! Lalya Saratova.
Are you Saratova?
Beautiful Russian girls.
You are one big mistake!
I see girls like you
come to LA in patterns.
This town will eat you up and spit you out.
[yelling]
Next time, don't just
get into someone's car!
My purse! Stop! Stop!
Stoli!
Stoli is in there!
Im so sorry Lalya
Are you sorry beautiful Russian girl number one?
Don Carlo!
Can I give you girls a lift?
I mean, you know, unless this little
slice of heaven is your final destination?
Sure!
Weren't we warned a minute
ago not to get into someone's car?
Anya come on! You preffer stay here?
Am I the only one who remembers the
airport security taking this man away?
I wouldn't get in that car baby!
You can stay here with me.
I don't go, I don't go..
You can stay here with me!
...so I told her I'm an expert at
fitting big things in little spaces.
Hey pig dropping! Why are we turning?
You're suppose to stay on the road!
There's a detour.
They're always working on the
roads but they never get any better.
You know?
Yeah.
Okay, now why are we stopping?
A construction worker has stopped us.
He wants us to get out of the car.
Nobody's getting out of the car.
Don't worry girls. It's okay, it's alright.
Turn the car around and get
us the hell out of here now.
Shit.
[gunshots]
[screams]
[gunshots]
Did you die on me?
[screaming continues]
Shit!
Please.
I thought I was in heaven.
I thought I was in heaven
until you popped that bubble.
What time is it?
I have to be on
time for audition.
This is all your fault!
My fault?
You... You got us in wrong car
and kicked out in
middle of nowhere!
Leave her alone, Natasha.
She just thought it was
a pick up for the movie.
Why would movie pick her?
She is not 'Beautiful Russia
Girl Number One' material!
No?
No!
I'm definitely not in heaven.
If we miss the audition,
it will be your bad, yo.
You are the one who got us
involved with that Don Carlo thug!
Puto.
Only because your dog ran
in first class and bit his ankle!
Where are you going?
See where we are.
But there could be murderers right outside that door.
I hope there are. Walk out there, bitch!
If they wanted us dead
we would be dead already.
Wow. She actually makes a good point here.
Whoah! Where do you think you're going?
I'm looking for the ladies place.
Ladies pla-- What?
Bathroom, restroom , toilet?
I mean it's not up to me.
Please. Just one minute I...
Okay, okay, ahh...
Okay listen ahh...
Just be quick, okay?
Down the hall, third door.
- Okay? Just be quick.
- Okay.
Okay? Be really quick.
Really quick.
Spasibo.
Just quick. Hurry back please.
No, it's okay.
Everything's good.
It's fine. Yeah
It's just they have guns.
They have guns...
[gunshot]
Was that a gunshot?
No!
First Stoli, now Natasha!
No, we don't know they shot Natasha.
[gasping]
[shushing]
[whispering]
It's me, it's just me. Okay?
Who else would they cap?
The last thing I did
was call her a bitch
and say I hope there
is a murderer out there.
We have to get out of here.
Let's go!
We're only a floor up.
Rip this into strips.
You need to stay here!
You are going without me?
Oh, Natasha! We thought you was wacked!
Just as you wanted!
You leave me for dead?
Fine. Go!
Are you kidding?
No.
Okay. Okay.
Stay here with murderers instead of coming with us.
Stay.
Okay coming.
But I am still
not talking to her.
Let's go.
Natasha, Where are you going?
I am looking for my purse.
Well it's not there.
It must be here.
It's not there.
But I need it!
You need to get out of here. Come on.
Where is my purse?
No Natasha, I checked the whole room.
Are you sure it's not here?
Yes. It probably got left in Don Carlo's car.
There was a drive by
shooting in Los Angeles tonight.
Two victims found
death inside a limousine.
Investigators say it may or it may
not be a gang related incident.
A dead end!
Maybe not.
I think I saw this girl
and two others arriving at LAX
from the same airplane as Don Carlo.
Go to the airlines,
and find out who
she was sitting with.
Let's go.
Just jump!
Natasha, we both jump on the count of three.
Okay.
One...
Two...
[screaming]
No, no, no...
Hey!
Go go go!
Oh God, he's gonna kill me.
Okay, unless.
[screaming]
Stop!
Why are you not stopping?
We've got to bail, yo!
Stop!
She is really leaving us.
I have to find it.
Your purse is gone. Forget it!
I'm not talking about my old
purse, I'm talking about black card.
I don't remember where I put it.
You lost Jay-Z's black card?
Don Carlo's black card.
And shut up please.
I'm not talking to you!
Anya! Anya come back!
The black card is right here!
Anya must have dropped it.
What?
She's gacked it, jacked it, stold it!
Give me my card!
I cant believe it!
And you were mad at me?
And I'm still mad at you and her
too because she stole my card!
And leave it with you!
She running in cirles?
Where are you going?
My profession wants this card?
Ok. I will give it to him
and he will let me go.
And I will go to my audition.
And you both will go to hell!
You go to hell, join Marilyn Monroe there.
What you say?
You just said that Marylin in hell?
What did you say right now?
Marilyn in the hell?
This is you in the hell!
Where are you going?
Stop it!
I have to go and then never see you again.
Except at the audition.
Where I will crush you.
There is one problem with your plan.
What is the problem with my plan?
It is stupid.
Are you calling me stupid, stupid?
You go back and give him that card
and he will wack you Natasha.
- Stop it!
- She's right.
[screaming]
Okay please, please --
[groans in pain]
They will kill you. Just like you saw him kill my friends in the library.
Well, one was a friend,
one was my cousin,
and the other guy was
just some guy I work with.
Natasha
is a pretty name.
Listen, okay.
[screaming]
I can help you guys get out of here.
If you can help me get to the hospital.
How can you help us get out of here?
I have a car.
Okay, just take that.
Just don't get rolled in.
Anya!
One more month and I would
have had a company car.
Unlock the door.
God, I hate this car.
Oh no, don't touch it!
- Okay I got it.
- Ah.
- Turn the wheel.
- Just keep it going, just...
Ow!
I don't actually know how to drive.
Why did you stop the car?
Who is the stupid one now?
It's still you.
Sorry--
Uhh, Herman.
Sorry, Herman. I didn't mean to smother you.
No, it's okay.
I kind of liked it.
It doesn't start.
If I miss audition it's just because you both can't drive!
You are more worried about your audition
when they are trying to kill us?
You're stupider than Lalya!
Oh God, I can't stand this car.
Anya!
She ran off again!
You can't leave us here!
Looks like she can!
Ow! You can't leave me here.
Looks like we can.
But im dying.
You are not dying.
Even if I'm not, which I am,
if they catch me here without
you guys, they will kill me.
Oh shit No, not my dress!
Ha, ha! To you I'm
on the safe place
and they will catch you.
How did you--?
Who is the stupid one now?
Him!
[screaming]
No one move!
I said no one move!
Go get the other one, okay?
I've got this one.
Oh, man! What happened to your leg?
Nothing.
Nothing? You have a bone sticking out!
Don't worry about it, okay?
It happens all the time.
Are you just gonna stand there
or are you gonna go get the other one?
I think we can make
it out to that road,
if you help me, okay?
What?
You just pull gun on
me and my ex-friend,
and now you're
asking me for help?
Look.
That guy, he's got asthma.
Alright he won't make it
two feet without wheezing.
Please listen to me. Your ex-
Your friend
My ex-friend.
Oh my God, your fat friend.
Ex-friends.
Will outrun him.
Please, please.
Just help me get to a hospital,
and I will help you
get to your audition.
Audition?
Yes, audition.
Stand up!
God your strong. Okay.
Good evening.
Hello little deary! What are you doing
out here at this time at night? And all alone.
You are alone, right?
Yes.
Oh perfect!
I mean, why don't
you come on in?
Come in, little deary.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Did you see that?
How sexy wind made me?
I didn't even try.
Sorry. I must have missed it.
How could you miss
sexy like Marilyn Monroe.
Stop!
Oh, I can not believe you just stopped for this vag bag.
I told you I was with a woman one time
just to see what it was like and
I would never do it again, honey.
Don't you honey me, slut.
Sammy, look at her.
She's obviously in
trouble, looking like
Lindsay Lohan dressed
up like Marilyn Monroe,
after she was found dead.
Dolboeb!
Hey girl,
you should not be out
here dressed like that.
You obviously need help.
We need help.
He's cute.
Cute?
Look at his leg, OMG!
Oh my God, his bone's pointing at me.
Oh, you would like his bone to point
at you, now wouldn't you Sammy?
We have to help him.
- No, no, no.
- Yes.
I am not getting that
on my upholstery.
Stevie, Stevie... we have to help them!
- We have to help them.
- No way.
- Go back.
- And you think he's cute.
We sacrifice!
We sacrifice!
[in unison]
By the strength of Acaat!
A cat? What cat?
To honor Hunab Ku!
We Sacrifice!
Sacrifice? No! Why?
Would someone gag her?
Please!
Why would you sacrifice me? I haven't done anything.
It's not about what
you've done deary,
its about what the
Mayan gods will do.
We were going out
to find a sacrifice to protect ourselves
from the devastation and the
disasters predicted by the Mayan calendar
that ended in 2012.
But 2012 came and there was no disaster.
Do not interrupt me!!
Besides
if 2012 came and
went as you say,
why would the gods deliver
a perfect sacrifice
to our door step?
Oh deary don't worry.
It's just a little blood
letting and decapitation.
That man needs our help!
And you think he's cute?
Yeah he's cute!
You have the audacity to get on to me
about the one time I was with a woman
and then tell me you
think another man is cute?
No, no way.
I'm definitely not going back!
Go back now.
Speed it up.
By the strength of a cat!
What? What?
Sammy?
OMG
That tire is fucked!
Maybe I can blow some air back into it.
Fuck!
Generic's.
Sammy!
Maybe someone can help us in there.
In that creepy old house?
I have an idea.
You go over there and see
if anybody can help us,
and I'm gonna try to blow
some air back into that tire.
S...S...Stevie...
By the strength of Acaat.
To honor Hunab Ku.
Hunab Ku!
Oh I don't know, I kinda like it with this
whole antebellum architectural flare.
Oh get off it Stevie, this house is
neo-eclective and you know it.
[doorbell rings]
[door knocking]
Michael Angelo's Statue of David.
Cellulite.
Would somneone get the door?
[door knocking]
Hello.
See Stevie, this is karma because you
didn't help that cute guy on the road.
Could you tell me again just how cute he is?
I'm gonna call the police.
And he was real cute.
Slut.
He must have thought
you were cute too,
with the way he was popping
that nasty little boner at you.
Oh this is my kind of party. Hey!
I'm right here Sammie!
Nine-one-one, what's the nature of your emergency?
Help!
This is not my kind of party!
What kind of kinky stuff is this?
This is your fault, Stevie!
This isn't just karma,
it's karmageddon!
Do something! They're going to kill us!
I want my mommy!
I wish my daddy loved me!
[screaming]
Shut up!
We sacrifice!
Hey, ese!
What you doin'
with that señorita?
Are you serious right now, holmes?
You lookin' to have a fiesta
where you're the pinata fool?
Baby bye bye bye. Bye bye!
That was awesome!
I can't believe that fool thought we were gangsters.
Jesus! That pinata line--brilliant!
Up top.
Why don't you back up man.
Are you okay?
I'm Jesus, this is Jesse, Jorge, and Carlos.
- I'm Jesse.
- I'm Carlos.
I mean, I'm Jorge.
Really, you don't know your name?
We're the next big boy-band:
The Hombres.
No man! I don't like that name.
The Front Road Fellas!
Nah, nah that's too derivative.
We should be called
For Her Ears Only.
What do y'all think? Cool?
Hell no.
But that's gonna discount our male friends.
We're still working on the name, you know?
Bubble gum, boys?
Yeah! The bubble gum boys.
The Bubble Gum Boys?
The Bubble Gum Boys.
We are The Bubble Gum Boys!
[cheering]
Hey put that gun down.
Put that gun in the glove box with the rest of them.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Quit pointing it!
Idiot.
- That's your homeboy.
- That's your son, man.
Need a ride?
Please,
promise
you'll get me to the hospital.
I'll hold my promise.
You promise?
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Freeze!
What are you doing in here?
This is a private
residence, officers.
Did we just bust in on an orgy?
This is going to be one of those
privacy of your own home cases.
No. The broken
down car in front,
nine-one-one call,
cell phone on porch.
We had reasonable cause, right?
I don't know,
but I'm not gonna stand in
front a judge on that one again.
You've got that one right.
Ma'am we're sorry to interrupt.
You have a lovely, lovely home.
Continue with your orgy.
[mumbling through gag]
Oh, just to make sure,
everyone in here is a
consenting adult, right?
Oh, certainly, yes.
Good, okay.
We are not consenting; they're going to sacrifice us!
Shut up!
Freeze!
This is a religious act,
officers.
Separation of church and state.
Does that include human sacrifices?
She's confusing me.
I don't know.
I don't either.
Wish we'd paid more
attention in training.
You got that right.
If you like,
I can show you
our 501[k] paperwork
to prove we're all in
legitimate, non-profit status.
What you think?
I don't know. You know my answer.
Okay, okay. Okay great.
That's all we need.
Sorry to interrupt your religious act.
What?
[mumbling through gags]
Have a good night.
We sacrifice!!
[door knocks]
Oh!! What now!!
Its just us again. Sorry to interrupt.
But its our protocol to take someone
back to our captain back to the station.
If its not too much
trouble of course.
Why don't you give
me this one, right here,
and keep the other
two for your religious act.
Fine!
Sorry to bother you.
Happy sacrificing.
You are not dying ok?
You're not dying.
I've lost a lot of blood.
- I can't feel my face.
- No, you can feel your face.
You cant feel your face. You are not dying.
He's dead.
Sorry.
You promised me.
I will take you to hospital,
And you will take me to my audition!
I will take you to hospital!
and you will take me to my audition!
You promise me.
You lied to me.
You promise me.
I have audition to go.
Now that card could have this whole
country bankrupt in a month,
and you lost the only lead to retrieving it!
Are you kidding me?
No!
Right.
A Russian girl, with no I.D.,
that you think is somewhere in the city.
Come on now.
We've got APBs out for her and
the two girls she arrived with.
We contacted the Russian embassy,
are running TV ads... also..
Yes ! What do you got?
Would you do something about him?
He's a hand full.
You want another partner?
Great! Fantastic!
Sir! A Russian girl claiming
to be Natasha Zaitseva--
I don't know how
to say her last name.
But she dropped the dead body off of a
Herman Muehler at Cedars-Sinai.
She's leaving a trail of dead bodies.
What is this girl, a preying mantis or what?
We got her!
Yeah! We got her! We got her!
[sings]
We got her!
Enough! Alex get him off my desk.
If you ever do that again,
I'll have your
fricking badge.
You let her go!
Don't you stop anybody from
bringing in dead bodies?
In an accidental death?
Accidental?
Accidental?
Accidental?
Come here!
He's has a femur
sticking out of his leg!
That's not accidental!
Actually, that's not a femur.
[shushes]
Well I know where Natalia Zaitseva went.
You do?
Thank you.
Thank you.
You can go now.
Don't push me!
I'll push if I want to!
Now get out of here!
Why didn't you say anything? [to nurse]
Um, I've been trying to.
She was hysterical
out of her mind.
They tranqued her and
sent her to the mental ward.
Mental ward?
Crazy people?
Thank you.
Alex, lets go! We are
going to the mental ward
where the crazy people are.
Maybe we'll find room for you.
Working with you, I'll shoot in my head cheff.
Who are you?
I'm Doctor Paxton,
but you can call me Doctor.
Or sir.
Or Sir Doctor.
Take a deep breath.
Silly me.
You do this so many times in a
day and you get ahead of yourself.
Now take a deep breath.
Where am I?
The examination room.
Just as I feared.
We're going to
have to do an enema.
Bend over.
Paxton!
What did I tell you about
messing with new patients?
Time to take your medication.
Meds?
Medication.
No. I'm not taking meds.
You want to do this the hard way, huh?
Oh you gonna take
this medication today.
Do you understand me? You
gonna take this medication!
We need to discuss my fee.
Get away from me, Paxton!
Did you save your pills for me?
Under the tongue? In your cheeks?
Oh come on! People pay good
money for those pills.
Hi.
You want to get out of here?
- Yes!
[shushes]
I'm busting out.
You can come with me.
When?
Now.
[singing]
Girl I wanna be with you.
[clapping]
Woo!
Thank you.
I'm Jesus, this is
Jesse, Jorge, and Carlos.
We're the Bubble Gum Boys.
Why don't you go up there
and do a number for us?
Yeah, come on.
You got this.
You sure.
- Yeah, we're sure.
- We're sure.
Okay.
Yeah!
[clapping]
I got the bag.
Give me the mask, give me the
guns, we're gonna get this money.
- We're gonna to go to Mexico.
- Yeah, we're serious.
What is the bag for?
Hey, this time don't bitch out, alright.
- I'm being serious.
- Come on, let's do this.
Brenda! What is going on here?
Let her up.
I apologize for the rude awakening.
You should sue! I'm Graham Paxton, attorney at law.
If you don't win,
I don't get paid.
Call the number
on your screen now!
Come here, you!
Why am I here?
You had a dangerous and acute mental episode
brought on by extreme stress and depression.
You were placed here
for your own protection.
If you would officially check yourself
in, we would like to examine you further.
I have been examined enough.
And where my dress?
It's in the enfermery.
This way.
One bra, red.
One dress, black.
A pair of panties, red.
A pair of heels.
Beige, predominately.
One card, black.
You can change in there. When you finished leave the gown here outside. A cab will meet you outside to take you to any destination within L.A. County.
You let her go?
Get off my desk, please.
I'll get off your desk?
This is what I'll
get off your desk!
I'll get this off your
desk. This off your desk.
This. This.
Does no one pay any attention to APBs?
This is what I'm
talking about Alex!
We're supposed to
be on the same team!
- We are on the same team.
- No!
- Yes. Yes. We are on the same team.
- No. No. No.
Thank you for your time, Dr. Dickens.
- Same team Alex! The same team!
- Yeah same team.
You don't understand!
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Anya, Lalya, we...
I made it.
[Lalya rapping]
Is that what they call music?
Oh fuck me!
[continuous rapping]
Uhm, I don't think rap is your style.
I think I got a better idea.
I think we should pick a slower song.
Maybe, uhm, this one?
Got it? Yeah.
That girl needs Jesus in her life.
- She's whack.
- Seriously, eh.
Alright, eh, we're gonna do this shit alright?
[piano plays]
We want the money and the tip jar. Come on.
What are you waiting for?
[singing]
[startled]
I'm Batman.
I can see it.
Mommy, can I take a picture
with Marilyn Monroe please?
Oh sure honey!
Let's go. Let's take a picture.
- Excuse me?
- Yes?
Is this you?
Natalia Zaitseva is wanted by the FBI for
questioning in a double murder
Oh my God, Yes.
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
Look at this. It's me.
I'm already famous.
I can't believe it.
Excuse me. It's not me.
Yeah.
This is probably some mistake.
Put your phone down.
Put your phone down.
It's not me. I said it's not me.
Your feet are so small.
Natasha Za-- [stammering]
How do you pronounce
your last name?
Zaitseva.
Search her.
Guys, this is stupid.
You put your masks on in the
bar. We all saw your faces.
You announced your names
after you sang karaoke.
Jesse, Jesus, Jorge,
- George.
- I'm Jesus!
Whatever
Ok, ok, ok...
I got something.
The card! Yes!
What?
What are you doing? Ow!
[singing]
Hey Georgy,
you forgot your bag.
We're the bubblegum boys.
We're still working on a name, you know.
Can I get another pint?
You must have got something from them.
Nothing!
They were just here at the wrong time at the wrong place.
They were pawns!
Naive girls, here
for some audition.
'Beautiful Russia Girl Number One'.
What?
'Beautiful Russia Girl Number One'.
[knocking]
Sir, you told me to report as soon as
I finished the analytics on the card.
Yeah?
Well, I finished the analytics on the card.
Yeah, and?
Well, first of all, I've never seen
anything like it, it's brilliant!
Whenever you buy something with it--and you
can buy anything you want, there's no limit-
-it draws funds directly from the U.S.
Treasury at an exponentially growing rate,
-it draws funds directly from the U.S.
Treasury at an exponentially growing rate,
but it does so using
an evolving algorithm,
but it does so using
an evolving algorithm,
so two dollars could become two thousand
dollars or even two hundred thousand dollars,
and then it routes that money through
a series, a web of bank accounts.
These are average, innocent
citizens' bank accounts, you know,
These are average, innocent
citizens' bank accounts, you know,
from lower and middle class people all the
way up to millionaires and billionaires--
from lower and middle class people all the
way up to millionaires and billionaires--
withdrawing money here,
depositing money there--
A the end of the day, somebody could wake up and find they've
moved up from the lowerclass to the upper class overnight,
or a millionaire could
discover he's broke!
But in the end, huge
pools of U.S. money from
each transaction on the card ends up in a completely
disguised bank account, or accounts plural.
The only chance of finding them is spending money on the
card, inputting the original algorithm from the card,
and monitoring the U.S. Treasury
and banks throughout the nation,
knowing the variables of what was
spent of course, visible account activity, etcetera,
and try to solve for the unknown
variables, but that's risky;
this card could bankrupt the
whole country in like a week.
Did either of you just understand what he just said?
Did he even breathe during all that?
Basically, whenever you use the card,
it steals money from the Treasury,
scrambles the money through bank
accounts throughout the country,
and drops it in an
untraceable account.
Now with the card, we have a chance
of discovering where the money goes,
but risk bankrupting the
whole country in a week.
That's essentially right.
Ah you know what? There is
a tracking device in the card
that I may or may not have
triggered when scanning it
So using the card would most likely
draw out the account, or accounts plural,
holder in an attempt
to retrieve the card.
But, I mean, that's
also a risky plan, it's like,
a trillion dollars could
just vanish like that!
Oh my God, this card is brilliant.
So we use our newly acquired
pawns to draw out our criminal.
So uhh...
Give the girls back the card.
Sir, I don't think that's a--
Shut up, Edwards! You chatter too much.
Alright.
Anya!
Natasha.
I thought you two were friends.
You'll have to pretend that you're
friends because you have a new job,
working for the FBI.
A job?
Yes. A job is--
I know what job means.
Really? Then why did you ask?
What kind of job?
Going on a shopping spree.
For safe keeping.
Beauty salon please.
Most expensive one.
For two dresses?
These two can bankrupt the whole country in a week!
This was a bad idea.
Lets go!
Jorge's cousin just took
over Estudios Mexicana.
They're looking for actors
to turn into big stars.
Especially those who know
how to sing and dance.
So we've been casing that bar for
months to get the money to go down there.
With that voice, you done
become an overnight success.
You gotta come with us.
I'm supposed to go to audition tonight.
We're not really asking.
You have to come with us.
Oh...
Well, I don't go to
audition anyway.
Why not?
Because I do not like what
it does to my friendships.
But I don't want to
go Mexico alone.
Alone?
Everything's about connections.
Forget this town,
everything's bottled up.
We got the connections that will
make you a world famous singer in Mexico.
Come on lets just go!
You know you want to roll!
OK.
I'm in.
But I have one request....
Girlfriend, you're with us now!
Do you think all girls here pretend
to be 'Beautiful Russia Girl Number One'?
Let's narrow down the competition.
Excuse me where the bar is?
I think is over there.
Thank you.
Okay.
You're our last two for tonight so let's get this going.
What are you doing?
This how Americans say hello.
Stop it.
Where are ya'll from?
Russia.
Really?
- Where is she going?
- I don't know.
Actually, I am from Russia too.
Of course you are.
I love the accent.
How long you been in L.A.?
We came for this audition.
Wait wait wait..
You came all the way from Russia
for this audition?
Actually, I would like to audition
for 'Beautiful Russia Girl #2'.
[clapping]
We've done seen enough.
You got the looks,
you got the voice.
They want us.
They want us!
That'll be nine hundred fifty dollars
and you're both in the film.
We pay you?
Yeah, this is the way things
work in Hollywood nowadays.
It's called crowd funding.
It's investing in yourself.
[laughs]
You also get a producer's credit.
It's a scam.
No, no, no. It's not a scam.
We've had the most success we've
had today, than any other day.
I know. It's like every girl who came in here was drunk.
Yeah.
Bottom line, we don't need
you to make this movie.
But if you want to be a part,
nine hundred fifty dollars.
It is scam!
Fine. We're done for the night.
Thank you for your time.
Wait, wait please.
Oh, you're in?
Oh, wow. There we go. Let's get that.
Thank you.
Alright, well that will be
950 dollars each.
Comes to 1900 total.
Russian woman one and two
or Russian woman one and one?
One and two.
There you go.
Alright ladies , welcome to Hollywood!
[gunshots]
[screaming]
I believe that card belongs to me.
Scam, scam, scam!
[screaming]
[gunshots]
[gunshot]
[screaming]
- FBI!
- Freeze!
No pulse.
- Stand down.
- All clear.
Ladies. You done good.
Your English is not so good.
You didn't do that good.
Natasha.
How does it feel to have a dream?
I didn't have a dream.
It was all scam.
But you didn't know that at first.
Yeah, for a moment, you
were cast in a movie
after going on a shopping
spree on Rodeo Drive.
Yes, How did that feel?
It felt good.
But it wasn't worth losing Lalya over.
Well I don't know about Lalya,
but at least you didn't lose Anya.
Yeah, you're right.
Friendship can make it through a lot
Get your hands off my head!
What do you think
this is?
A bank meltdown today had people all over the U.S.
seeing fluctuations in their bank account balances.
It is estimated that it will cost the nation
just over a trillion dollars in bailouts.
Many worry the government's Chinese
creditors will call the U.S. on its debt.
A trillion dollars?
Do you think this is gonna come down on us?
Come on!
Are you friends with Lalya Saratova?
Uh, yes?
Come with me.
Anya! He found Lalya! Lets go!
[screaming]
What's up, bitches?
[screams]
Lalya!
Hey.
See you around.
So, where are we?
Me-me-me-Mexico.
That's good girl.
I had enough of this Hollywood and United States.
I think we helped to make
it a province of China anyway.
Where we going?
Estudios Mexicano.
I have so much to tell you.
It is off the hook.
Woo!
Do you know how to drive now?
I learned.
Sorry.
Yeah he really likes it.
There, I fixed it!
[screaming]
[thud]
Are you okay?
[screaming]
Why are we screaming and jumping?
Because, we're going to Hollywood!
Screaming continues
Wait wait, how did you get this audition?
I sent my pictures online and
I got electronic email for audition in Hollywood.
We've been saving since we were kids to get
out of this place and go to Hollywood but
we barely have more
than enough to get there.
Anya money is not a problem
once we go into Hollywood.
[screaming continues]
Wait! Whats the part?
It's a very important part.
It is 'Beautiful Russia
Girl Number One'.
You mean beautiful Russian girl number one?
No! Beautiful Russia girl number one.
That sounds like an important part, I can't argue with that.
Then we are really going to Hollywood bitches?
[screaming]
I don't know if we are ready.
Of course we're ready. I got an audition.
I'm gonna be the next Marilyn Monroe!
I am going to be in big, American movie.
Can you believe it, Anya?
Hollywood! Hollywood!
Okay , we're definitely going!
[screaming continues]
I can't wait until we arrive in
Hollywood for my important audition,
in big American movie.
Actually, for our auditions.
What?
Lalya and I went online and we submitted
photos of ourselves for the part
and they're giving
us auditions too.
No! 'Beautiful Russian Girl
Number One' is my part for me.
I'm beautiful Russian girl!
Look Natasha I
thought if we all audition,
there will be three times
more chance of getting the job
so we can afford to rent
a little place in Hollywood.
No! You just stole my Beautiful Russia Girl Number One.
You just stold it!
Look Natasha what about this?
We will audition for the beautiful
Russian girl number 2 or 3 or something.
We'll tell them but we better
do that when we get there.
Will it work with you?
It could probably work but I must be number one.
Come on lets do that!
Okay! Lets do it!
I cant wait until we get to America
where we could live in a gansta paradise.
Its gonna so G.
BGB, BOC, BBC, CPC.
[laughing]
So why are we still here?
We have to get ready! Come on, get up!
Ooh! Turbulence!
I felt that in my stomach!
I hope there is much more turbulence.
[barks]
Stoli! No!
Sorry. Sorry, yo.
Sorry, sorry.
[Stage whispering.] Stoli!
Stoli?
Ow! What the fuck? Stewardess!
Mr. Don Carlo!
I am so sorry your travel
is being interrupted--
Who's damn rat is this!
Stoli is no rat!
He is legit dog!
Touch him and I will
bust a cap in your ass!
I'm sorry. I will take her back to seat. No problem here.
- No problem? This suit was worn by James Bond...
- Haters!
Oh, you know what?
Dogs are not
allowed on the plane.
I'm sorry, but there is a dog right there!
Mr. Kissyface is a frequent flyer
who has paid for his own seat.
Thank you very much.
Oh, my precious little...
Listen stewardess, why don't
you leave that girl's dog alone?
- But--
- Look, what are you gonna do?
You gonna open up a window at fifty
million feet, sucking us all out into space
where our heads explode
and we die? Come on..
We're flying at the height of thirty-five thousand feet.
What are you, an astronaut or something?
I know how high we're flying.
Who called you over here
anyway, stewardess? Come on.
I'm a flight attendant.
Thank you
Yeah! No Problem!
No problem.
- Turbulence.
- Yeah?
Mr. Kissyface and I didn't feel any turbulence.
Yeah?
Well no one cares what you or
Mr. Kissyface think alright?
So why don't you keep your yaps shut,
unless you plan playing tonsil
hockey again with the pooch.
Sorry about that Ms., uh?
Natasha.
Natasha.
It's a pleasure.
Please, join me.
Lucky you have empty seat next to you.
No luck at all.
I always buy an extra
seat when I travel.
You know, just in case I meet
someone worth traveling with.
What are you doing?
Letting sexy wind blow hair?
I am like Russian
Marilyn Monroe, don't you think?
Hey.
Hey I think you've
got the wrong seat.
My wife actually just went
to the bathroom real quick,
I think she's coming back in like two
seconds. Just so you know, so if you can--
Can I help you?
I like your bling!
My...
No this is not, its a wedding ring.
For my wife who's coming back in two seconds.
So if you can move seats
for me that would be...
I want to be one of you.
Uh, one of what? Uhm...
As a rapper.
No.. um, what kind of racist
shit is.. no I'm not a rapper.
Alright just because I'm black doesn't
make a rapper. I'm a business man.
You are my brotha
from anotha motha, G!
Can I spit on your next album?
No, please. Please don't.
I don't want you spitting on
anything that I own. At all. No.
I got hoes in different area codes,
my homie, my dawg, my nigga--
Hey, hey! What?
What the hell did you just say to me?
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry nothing. Better get your ass back over
there before you see a real nigga today!
- Move back. Move back. Move back.
- Sorry. Sory. Sorry, yo.
Whoops! Sorry, sorry.
What happened?
I met a real rapper.
Stewardess!
I sat in his bitch's seat.
Where's Natasha?
Yeah, yeah.
I’m like a Francis
Ford Coppola and
Steven Speilberg all rolled into
one with a little Jerry Bruckheimer.
- I didn't know that!
- Yeah...
Listen uhm...
Here.
Take this.
What is this?
You can use it to get
anything you want.
You and your friends.
Uhh, it's like credit card?
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, yeah. It's like credit card.
Anything you want.
I must show my girls!
May I show it to girls?
Absolutely!
Oh my God.
She's dumb as a box of retarded hammers.
[snaps]
Just what I needed.
Hi.
He's dumber than I thought.
What is that?
This is like a credit card.
Oh my god, is that a black card?
What does that mean?
It's like Jay-Z has. No limit.
This isn't right.
By the way Lalya I think I saw a real rapper overthere.
I know.
Bravo! Bravo!
Are you with the hospitality crew?
Where is it?
Are you playing on a pogo stick or something overthere?
I'm not playing.
Don, for the last time.
Where is it!?
Did you lose something?
I mean, you know, besides from the hormones
that you need to grow outside puberty.
Search it again.
We did search it again. We have to let him go.
Ow! Watch it!
I'm sorry.
I thought I was loosening
instead of tightening.
Ow!
You're free to go.
Don!
Welcome to Los Angeles.
Look!
It is probably the
American way of say hello.
Be careful Anya.
People over here are so kind and welcoming!
Look! Film makers with my name on sign!
Where is sign with my name?
I must be the first choice for
'Beautiful Russian Girl Number One'.
[kiss]
I'll show you who is first choice for
'Beautiful Russia Girl Number One'.
[kiss]
First show me where the sign with your name is.
Anya!
Saratova?
How come I get harassed every
time I get to the fucking airport?
Profiling because you're an
Italian man named Don?
Shut up!
Maybe it's because you actually
are involved in organized crime.
We gotta follow that limo!
- Yes Sir!
- Shut up!
When do we arrive at the crib?
Or do we go
straight to the studio?
Stop it, they're watching you.
Of course they
are looking at me.
I am the muckety-muck of
a big, important movie now.
Muckety-muck?
Muckety-muck, big pimping,
mothafucka, boss, diva, the shit. Got it?
I don't know where we're going.
Hello?
What do you mean?
I'm in the limo with--
Driver!
Stop the car.
You are not Saratova!
She is Saratova.
Katherine Saratova?
No! Lalya Saratova.
Are you Saratova?
Beautiful Russian girls.
You are one big mistake!
I see girls like you
come to LA in patterns.
This town will eat you up and spit you out.
[yelling]
Next time, don't just
get into someone's car!
My purse! Stop! Stop!
Stoli!
Stoli is in there!
Im so sorry Lalya
Are you sorry beautiful Russian girl number one?
Don Carlo!
Can I give you girls a lift?
I mean, you know, unless this little
slice of heaven is your final destination?
Sure!
Weren't we warned a minute
ago not to get into someone's car?
Anya come on! You preffer stay here?
Am I the only one who remembers the
airport security taking this man away?
I wouldn't get in that car baby!
You can stay here with me.
I don't go, I don't go..
You can stay here with me!
...so I told her I'm an expert at
fitting big things in little spaces.
Hey pig dropping! Why are we turning?
You're suppose to stay on the road!
There's a detour.
They're always working on the
roads but they never get any better.
You know?
Yeah.
Okay, now why are we stopping?
A construction worker has stopped us.
He wants us to get out of the car.
Nobody's getting out of the car.
Don't worry girls. It's okay, it's alright.
Turn the car around and get
us the hell out of here now.
Shit.
[gunshots]
[screams]
[gunshots]
Did you die on me?
[screaming continues]
Shit!
Please.
I thought I was in heaven.
I thought I was in heaven
until you popped that bubble.
What time is it?
I have to be on
time for audition.
This is all your fault!
My fault?
You... You got us in wrong car
and kicked out in
middle of nowhere!
Leave her alone, Natasha.
She just thought it was
a pick up for the movie.
Why would movie pick her?
She is not 'Beautiful Russia
Girl Number One' material!
No?
No!
I'm definitely not in heaven.
If we miss the audition,
it will be your bad, yo.
You are the one who got us
involved with that Don Carlo thug!
Puto.
Only because your dog ran
in first class and bit his ankle!
Where are you going?
See where we are.
But there could be murderers right outside that door.
I hope there are. Walk out there, bitch!
If they wanted us dead
we would be dead already.
Wow. She actually makes a good point here.
Whoah! Where do you think you're going?
I'm looking for the ladies place.
Ladies pla-- What?
Bathroom, restroom , toilet?
I mean it's not up to me.
Please. Just one minute I...
Okay, okay, ahh...
Okay listen ahh...
Just be quick, okay?
Down the hall, third door.
- Okay? Just be quick.
- Okay.
Okay? Be really quick.
Really quick.
Spasibo.
Just quick. Hurry back please.
No, it's okay.
Everything's good.
It's fine. Yeah
It's just they have guns.
They have guns...
[gunshot]
Was that a gunshot?
No!
First Stoli, now Natasha!
No, we don't know they shot Natasha.
[gasping]
[shushing]
[whispering]
It's me, it's just me. Okay?
Who else would they cap?
The last thing I did
was call her a bitch
and say I hope there
is a murderer out there.
We have to get out of here.
Let's go!
We're only a floor up.
Rip this into strips.
You need to stay here!
You are going without me?
Oh, Natasha! We thought you was wacked!
Just as you wanted!
You leave me for dead?
Fine. Go!
Are you kidding?
No.
Okay. Okay.
Stay here with murderers instead of coming with us.
Stay.
Okay coming.
But I am still
not talking to her.
Let's go.
Natasha, Where are you going?
I am looking for my purse.
Well it's not there.
It must be here.
It's not there.
But I need it!
You need to get out of here. Come on.
Where is my purse?
No Natasha, I checked the whole room.
Are you sure it's not here?
Yes. It probably got left in Don Carlo's car.
There was a drive by
shooting in Los Angeles tonight.
Two victims found
death inside a limousine.
Investigators say it may or it may
not be a gang related incident.
A dead end!
Maybe not.
I think I saw this girl
and two others arriving at LAX
from the same airplane as Don Carlo.
Go to the airlines,
and find out who
she was sitting with.
Let's go.
Just jump!
Natasha, we both jump on the count of three.
Okay.
One...
Two...
[screaming]
No, no, no...
Hey!
Go go go!
Oh God, he's gonna kill me.
Okay, unless.
[screaming]
Stop!
Why are you not stopping?
We've got to bail, yo!
Stop!
She is really leaving us.
I have to find it.
Your purse is gone. Forget it!
I'm not talking about my old
purse, I'm talking about black card.
I don't remember where I put it.
You lost Jay-Z's black card?
Don Carlo's black card.
And shut up please.
I'm not talking to you!
Anya! Anya come back!
The black card is right here!
Anya must have dropped it.
What?
She's gacked it, jacked it, stold it!
Give me my card!
I cant believe it!
And you were mad at me?
And I'm still mad at you and her
too because she stole my card!
And leave it with you!
She running in cirles?
Where are you going?
My profession wants this card?
Ok. I will give it to him
and he will let me go.
And I will go to my audition.
And you both will go to hell!
You go to hell, join Marilyn Monroe there.
What you say?
You just said that Marylin in hell?
What did you say right now?
Marilyn in the hell?
This is you in the hell!
Where are you going?
Stop it!
I have to go and then never see you again.
Except at the audition.
Where I will crush you.
There is one problem with your plan.
What is the problem with my plan?
It is stupid.
Are you calling me stupid, stupid?
You go back and give him that card
and he will wack you Natasha.
- Stop it!
- She's right.
[screaming]
Okay please, please --
[groans in pain]
They will kill you. Just like you saw him kill my friends in the library.
Well, one was a friend,
one was my cousin,
and the other guy was
just some guy I work with.
Natasha
is a pretty name.
Listen, okay.
[screaming]
I can help you guys get out of here.
If you can help me get to the hospital.
How can you help us get out of here?
I have a car.
Okay, just take that.
Just don't get rolled in.
Anya!
One more month and I would
have had a company car.
Unlock the door.
God, I hate this car.
Oh no, don't touch it!
- Okay I got it.
- Ah.
- Turn the wheel.
- Just keep it going, just...
Ow!
I don't actually know how to drive.
Why did you stop the car?
Who is the stupid one now?
It's still you.
Sorry--
Uhh, Herman.
Sorry, Herman. I didn't mean to smother you.
No, it's okay.
I kind of liked it.
It doesn't start.
If I miss audition it's just because you both can't drive!
You are more worried about your audition
when they are trying to kill us?
You're stupider than Lalya!
Oh God, I can't stand this car.
Anya!
She ran off again!
You can't leave us here!
Looks like she can!
Ow! You can't leave me here.
Looks like we can.
But im dying.
You are not dying.
Even if I'm not, which I am,
if they catch me here without
you guys, they will kill me.
Oh shit No, not my dress!
Ha, ha! To you I'm
on the safe place
and they will catch you.
How did you--?
Who is the stupid one now?
Him!
[screaming]
No one move!
I said no one move!
Go get the other one, okay?
I've got this one.
Oh, man! What happened to your leg?
Nothing.
Nothing? You have a bone sticking out!
Don't worry about it, okay?
It happens all the time.
Are you just gonna stand there
or are you gonna go get the other one?
I think we can make
it out to that road,
if you help me, okay?
What?
You just pull gun on
me and my ex-friend,
and now you're
asking me for help?
Look.
That guy, he's got asthma.
Alright he won't make it
two feet without wheezing.
Please listen to me. Your ex-
Your friend
My ex-friend.
Oh my God, your fat friend.
Ex-friends.
Will outrun him.
Please, please.
Just help me get to a hospital,
and I will help you
get to your audition.
Audition?
Yes, audition.
Stand up!
God your strong. Okay.
Good evening.
Hello little deary! What are you doing
out here at this time at night? And all alone.
You are alone, right?
Yes.
Oh perfect!
I mean, why don't
you come on in?
Come in, little deary.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Did you see that?
How sexy wind made me?
I didn't even try.
Sorry. I must have missed it.
How could you miss
sexy like Marilyn Monroe.
Stop!
Oh, I can not believe you just stopped for this vag bag.
I told you I was with a woman one time
just to see what it was like and
I would never do it again, honey.
Don't you honey me, slut.
Sammy, look at her.
She's obviously in
trouble, looking like
Lindsay Lohan dressed
up like Marilyn Monroe,
after she was found dead.
Dolboeb!
Hey girl,
you should not be out
here dressed like that.
You obviously need help.
We need help.
He's cute.
Cute?
Look at his leg, OMG!
Oh my God, his bone's pointing at me.
Oh, you would like his bone to point
at you, now wouldn't you Sammy?
We have to help him.
- No, no, no.
- Yes.
I am not getting that
on my upholstery.
Stevie, Stevie... we have to help them!
- We have to help them.
- No way.
- Go back.
- And you think he's cute.
We sacrifice!
We sacrifice!
[in unison]
By the strength of Acaat!
A cat? What cat?
To honor Hunab Ku!
We Sacrifice!
Sacrifice? No! Why?
Would someone gag her?
Please!
Why would you sacrifice me? I haven't done anything.
It's not about what
you've done deary,
its about what the
Mayan gods will do.
We were going out
to find a sacrifice to protect ourselves
from the devastation and the
disasters predicted by the Mayan calendar
that ended in 2012.
But 2012 came and there was no disaster.
Do not interrupt me!!
Besides
if 2012 came and
went as you say,
why would the gods deliver
a perfect sacrifice
to our door step?
Oh deary don't worry.
It's just a little blood
letting and decapitation.
That man needs our help!
And you think he's cute?
Yeah he's cute!
You have the audacity to get on to me
about the one time I was with a woman
and then tell me you
think another man is cute?
No, no way.
I'm definitely not going back!
Go back now.
Speed it up.
By the strength of a cat!
What? What?
Sammy?
OMG
That tire is fucked!
Maybe I can blow some air back into it.
Fuck!
Generic's.
Sammy!
Maybe someone can help us in there.
In that creepy old house?
I have an idea.
You go over there and see
if anybody can help us,
and I'm gonna try to blow
some air back into that tire.
S...S...Stevie...
By the strength of Acaat.
To honor Hunab Ku.
Hunab Ku!
Oh I don't know, I kinda like it with this
whole antebellum architectural flare.
Oh get off it Stevie, this house is
neo-eclective and you know it.
[doorbell rings]
[door knocking]
Michael Angelo's Statue of David.
Cellulite.
Would somneone get the door?
[door knocking]
Hello.
See Stevie, this is karma because you
didn't help that cute guy on the road.
Could you tell me again just how cute he is?
I'm gonna call the police.
And he was real cute.
Slut.
He must have thought
you were cute too,
with the way he was popping
that nasty little boner at you.
Oh this is my kind of party. Hey!
I'm right here Sammie!
Nine-one-one, what's the nature of your emergency?
Help!
This is not my kind of party!
What kind of kinky stuff is this?
This is your fault, Stevie!
This isn't just karma,
it's karmageddon!
Do something! They're going to kill us!
I want my mommy!
I wish my daddy loved me!
[screaming]
Shut up!
We sacrifice!
Hey, ese!
What you doin'
with that señorita?
Are you serious right now, holmes?
You lookin' to have a fiesta
where you're the pinata fool?
Baby bye bye bye. Bye bye!
That was awesome!
I can't believe that fool thought we were gangsters.
Jesus! That pinata line--brilliant!
Up top.
Why don't you back up man.
Are you okay?
I'm Jesus, this is Jesse, Jorge, and Carlos.
- I'm Jesse.
- I'm Carlos.
I mean, I'm Jorge.
Really, you don't know your name?
We're the next big boy-band:
The Hombres.
No man! I don't like that name.
The Front Road Fellas!
Nah, nah that's too derivative.
We should be called
For Her Ears Only.
What do y'all think? Cool?
Hell no.
But that's gonna discount our male friends.
We're still working on the name, you know?
Bubble gum, boys?
Yeah! The bubble gum boys.
The Bubble Gum Boys?
The Bubble Gum Boys.
We are The Bubble Gum Boys!
[cheering]
Hey put that gun down.
Put that gun in the glove box with the rest of them.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Quit pointing it!
Idiot.
- That's your homeboy.
- That's your son, man.
Need a ride?
Please,
promise
you'll get me to the hospital.
I'll hold my promise.
You promise?
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Freeze!
What are you doing in here?
This is a private
residence, officers.
Did we just bust in on an orgy?
This is going to be one of those
privacy of your own home cases.
No. The broken
down car in front,
nine-one-one call,
cell phone on porch.
We had reasonable cause, right?
I don't know,
but I'm not gonna stand in
front a judge on that one again.
You've got that one right.
Ma'am we're sorry to interrupt.
You have a lovely, lovely home.
Continue with your orgy.
[mumbling through gag]
Oh, just to make sure,
everyone in here is a
consenting adult, right?
Oh, certainly, yes.
Good, okay.
We are not consenting; they're going to sacrifice us!
Shut up!
Freeze!
This is a religious act,
officers.
Separation of church and state.
Does that include human sacrifices?
She's confusing me.
I don't know.
I don't either.
Wish we'd paid more
attention in training.
You got that right.
If you like,
I can show you
our 501[k] paperwork
to prove we're all in
legitimate, non-profit status.
What you think?
I don't know. You know my answer.
Okay, okay. Okay great.
That's all we need.
Sorry to interrupt your religious act.
What?
[mumbling through gags]
Have a good night.
We sacrifice!!
[door knocks]
Oh!! What now!!
Its just us again. Sorry to interrupt.
But its our protocol to take someone
back to our captain back to the station.
If its not too much
trouble of course.
Why don't you give
me this one, right here,
and keep the other
two for your religious act.
Fine!
Sorry to bother you.
Happy sacrificing.
You are not dying ok?
You're not dying.
I've lost a lot of blood.
- I can't feel my face.
- No, you can feel your face.
You cant feel your face. You are not dying.
He's dead.
Sorry.
You promised me.
I will take you to hospital,
And you will take me to my audition!
I will take you to hospital!
and you will take me to my audition!
You promise me.
You lied to me.
You promise me.
I have audition to go.
Now that card could have this whole
country bankrupt in a month,
and you lost the only lead to retrieving it!
Are you kidding me?
No!
Right.
A Russian girl, with no I.D.,
that you think is somewhere in the city.
Come on now.
We've got APBs out for her and
the two girls she arrived with.
We contacted the Russian embassy,
are running TV ads... also..
Yes ! What do you got?
Would you do something about him?
He's a hand full.
You want another partner?
Great! Fantastic!
Sir! A Russian girl claiming
to be Natasha Zaitseva--
I don't know how
to say her last name.
But she dropped the dead body off of a
Herman Muehler at Cedars-Sinai.
She's leaving a trail of dead bodies.
What is this girl, a preying mantis or what?
We got her!
Yeah! We got her! We got her!
[sings]
We got her!
Enough! Alex get him off my desk.
If you ever do that again,
I'll have your
fricking badge.
You let her go!
Don't you stop anybody from
bringing in dead bodies?
In an accidental death?
Accidental?
Accidental?
Accidental?
Come here!
He's has a femur
sticking out of his leg!
That's not accidental!
Actually, that's not a femur.
[shushes]
Well I know where Natalia Zaitseva went.
You do?
Thank you.
Thank you.
You can go now.
Don't push me!
I'll push if I want to!
Now get out of here!
Why didn't you say anything? [to nurse]
Um, I've been trying to.
She was hysterical
out of her mind.
They tranqued her and
sent her to the mental ward.
Mental ward?
Crazy people?
Thank you.
Alex, lets go! We are
going to the mental ward
where the crazy people are.
Maybe we'll find room for you.
Working with you, I'll shoot in my head cheff.
Who are you?
I'm Doctor Paxton,
but you can call me Doctor.
Or sir.
Or Sir Doctor.
Take a deep breath.
Silly me.
You do this so many times in a
day and you get ahead of yourself.
Now take a deep breath.
Where am I?
The examination room.
Just as I feared.
We're going to
have to do an enema.
Bend over.
Paxton!
What did I tell you about
messing with new patients?
Time to take your medication.
Meds?
Medication.
No. I'm not taking meds.
You want to do this the hard way, huh?
Oh you gonna take
this medication today.
Do you understand me? You
gonna take this medication!
We need to discuss my fee.
Get away from me, Paxton!
Did you save your pills for me?
Under the tongue? In your cheeks?
Oh come on! People pay good
money for those pills.
Hi.
You want to get out of here?
- Yes!
[shushes]
I'm busting out.
You can come with me.
When?
Now.
[singing]
Girl I wanna be with you.
[clapping]
Woo!
Thank you.
I'm Jesus, this is
Jesse, Jorge, and Carlos.
We're the Bubble Gum Boys.
Why don't you go up there
and do a number for us?
Yeah, come on.
You got this.
You sure.
- Yeah, we're sure.
- We're sure.
Okay.
Yeah!
[clapping]
I got the bag.
Give me the mask, give me the
guns, we're gonna get this money.
- We're gonna to go to Mexico.
- Yeah, we're serious.
What is the bag for?
Hey, this time don't bitch out, alright.
- I'm being serious.
- Come on, let's do this.
Brenda! What is going on here?
Let her up.
I apologize for the rude awakening.
You should sue! I'm Graham Paxton, attorney at law.
If you don't win,
I don't get paid.
Call the number
on your screen now!
Come here, you!
Why am I here?
You had a dangerous and acute mental episode
brought on by extreme stress and depression.
You were placed here
for your own protection.
If you would officially check yourself
in, we would like to examine you further.
I have been examined enough.
And where my dress?
It's in the enfermery.
This way.
One bra, red.
One dress, black.
A pair of panties, red.
A pair of heels.
Beige, predominately.
One card, black.
You can change in there. When you finished leave the gown here outside. A cab will meet you outside to take you to any destination within L.A. County.
You let her go?
Get off my desk, please.
I'll get off your desk?
This is what I'll
get off your desk!
I'll get this off your
desk. This off your desk.
This. This.
Does no one pay any attention to APBs?
This is what I'm
talking about Alex!
We're supposed to
be on the same team!
- We are on the same team.
- No!
- Yes. Yes. We are on the same team.
- No. No. No.
Thank you for your time, Dr. Dickens.
- Same team Alex! The same team!
- Yeah same team.
You don't understand!
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Anya, Lalya, we...
I made it.
[Lalya rapping]
Is that what they call music?
Oh fuck me!
[continuous rapping]
Uhm, I don't think rap is your style.
I think I got a better idea.
I think we should pick a slower song.
Maybe, uhm, this one?
Got it? Yeah.
That girl needs Jesus in her life.
- She's whack.
- Seriously, eh.
Alright, eh, we're gonna do this shit alright?
[piano plays]
We want the money and the tip jar. Come on.
What are you waiting for?
[singing]
[startled]
I'm Batman.
I can see it.
Mommy, can I take a picture
with Marilyn Monroe please?
Oh sure honey!
Let's go. Let's take a picture.
- Excuse me?
- Yes?
Is this you?
Natalia Zaitseva is wanted by the FBI for
questioning in a double murder
Oh my God, Yes.
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
Look at this. It's me.
I'm already famous.
I can't believe it.
Excuse me. It's not me.
Yeah.
This is probably some mistake.
Put your phone down.
Put your phone down.
It's not me. I said it's not me.
Your feet are so small.
Natasha Za-- [stammering]
How do you pronounce
your last name?
Zaitseva.
Search her.
Guys, this is stupid.
You put your masks on in the
bar. We all saw your faces.
You announced your names
after you sang karaoke.
Jesse, Jesus, Jorge,
- George.
- I'm Jesus!
Whatever
Ok, ok, ok...
I got something.
The card! Yes!
What?
What are you doing? Ow!
[singing]
Hey Georgy,
you forgot your bag.
We're the bubblegum boys.
We're still working on a name, you know.
Can I get another pint?
You must have got something from them.
Nothing!
They were just here at the wrong time at the wrong place.
They were pawns!
Naive girls, here
for some audition.
'Beautiful Russia Girl Number One'.
What?
'Beautiful Russia Girl Number One'.
[knocking]
Sir, you told me to report as soon as
I finished the analytics on the card.
Yeah?
Well, I finished the analytics on the card.
Yeah, and?
Well, first of all, I've never seen
anything like it, it's brilliant!
Whenever you buy something with it--and you
can buy anything you want, there's no limit-
-it draws funds directly from the U.S.
Treasury at an exponentially growing rate,
-it draws funds directly from the U.S.
Treasury at an exponentially growing rate,
but it does so using
an evolving algorithm,
but it does so using
an evolving algorithm,
so two dollars could become two thousand
dollars or even two hundred thousand dollars,
and then it routes that money through
a series, a web of bank accounts.
These are average, innocent
citizens' bank accounts, you know,
These are average, innocent
citizens' bank accounts, you know,
from lower and middle class people all the
way up to millionaires and billionaires--
from lower and middle class people all the
way up to millionaires and billionaires--
withdrawing money here,
depositing money there--
A the end of the day, somebody could wake up and find they've
moved up from the lowerclass to the upper class overnight,
or a millionaire could
discover he's broke!
But in the end, huge
pools of U.S. money from
each transaction on the card ends up in a completely
disguised bank account, or accounts plural.
The only chance of finding them is spending money on the
card, inputting the original algorithm from the card,
and monitoring the U.S. Treasury
and banks throughout the nation,
knowing the variables of what was
spent of course, visible account activity, etcetera,
and try to solve for the unknown
variables, but that's risky;
this card could bankrupt the
whole country in like a week.
Did either of you just understand what he just said?
Did he even breathe during all that?
Basically, whenever you use the card,
it steals money from the Treasury,
scrambles the money through bank
accounts throughout the country,
and drops it in an
untraceable account.
Now with the card, we have a chance
of discovering where the money goes,
but risk bankrupting the
whole country in a week.
That's essentially right.
Ah you know what? There is
a tracking device in the card
that I may or may not have
triggered when scanning it
So using the card would most likely
draw out the account, or accounts plural,
holder in an attempt
to retrieve the card.
But, I mean, that's
also a risky plan, it's like,
a trillion dollars could
just vanish like that!
Oh my God, this card is brilliant.
So we use our newly acquired
pawns to draw out our criminal.
So uhh...
Give the girls back the card.
Sir, I don't think that's a--
Shut up, Edwards! You chatter too much.
Alright.
Anya!
Natasha.
I thought you two were friends.
You'll have to pretend that you're
friends because you have a new job,
working for the FBI.
A job?
Yes. A job is--
I know what job means.
Really? Then why did you ask?
What kind of job?
Going on a shopping spree.
For safe keeping.
Beauty salon please.
Most expensive one.
For two dresses?
These two can bankrupt the whole country in a week!
This was a bad idea.
Lets go!
Jorge's cousin just took
over Estudios Mexicana.
They're looking for actors
to turn into big stars.
Especially those who know
how to sing and dance.
So we've been casing that bar for
months to get the money to go down there.
With that voice, you done
become an overnight success.
You gotta come with us.
I'm supposed to go to audition tonight.
We're not really asking.
You have to come with us.
Oh...
Well, I don't go to
audition anyway.
Why not?
Because I do not like what
it does to my friendships.
But I don't want to
go Mexico alone.
Alone?
Everything's about connections.
Forget this town,
everything's bottled up.
We got the connections that will
make you a world famous singer in Mexico.
Come on lets just go!
You know you want to roll!
OK.
I'm in.
But I have one request....
Girlfriend, you're with us now!
Do you think all girls here pretend
to be 'Beautiful Russia Girl Number One'?
Let's narrow down the competition.
Excuse me where the bar is?
I think is over there.
Thank you.
Okay.
You're our last two for tonight so let's get this going.
What are you doing?
This how Americans say hello.
Stop it.
Where are ya'll from?
Russia.
Really?
- Where is she going?
- I don't know.
Actually, I am from Russia too.
Of course you are.
I love the accent.
How long you been in L.A.?
We came for this audition.
Wait wait wait..
You came all the way from Russia
for this audition?
Actually, I would like to audition
for 'Beautiful Russia Girl #2'.
[clapping]
We've done seen enough.
You got the looks,
you got the voice.
They want us.
They want us!
That'll be nine hundred fifty dollars
and you're both in the film.
We pay you?
Yeah, this is the way things
work in Hollywood nowadays.
It's called crowd funding.
It's investing in yourself.
[laughs]
You also get a producer's credit.
It's a scam.
No, no, no. It's not a scam.
We've had the most success we've
had today, than any other day.
I know. It's like every girl who came in here was drunk.
Yeah.
Bottom line, we don't need
you to make this movie.
But if you want to be a part,
nine hundred fifty dollars.
It is scam!
Fine. We're done for the night.
Thank you for your time.
Wait, wait please.
Oh, you're in?
Oh, wow. There we go. Let's get that.
Thank you.
Alright, well that will be
950 dollars each.
Comes to 1900 total.
Russian woman one and two
or Russian woman one and one?
One and two.
There you go.
Alright ladies , welcome to Hollywood!
[gunshots]
[screaming]
I believe that card belongs to me.
Scam, scam, scam!
[screaming]
[gunshots]
[gunshot]
[screaming]
- FBI!
- Freeze!
No pulse.
- Stand down.
- All clear.
Ladies. You done good.
Your English is not so good.
You didn't do that good.
Natasha.
How does it feel to have a dream?
I didn't have a dream.
It was all scam.
But you didn't know that at first.
Yeah, for a moment, you
were cast in a movie
after going on a shopping
spree on Rodeo Drive.
Yes, How did that feel?
It felt good.
But it wasn't worth losing Lalya over.
Well I don't know about Lalya,
but at least you didn't lose Anya.
Yeah, you're right.
Friendship can make it through a lot
Get your hands off my head!
What do you think
this is?
A bank meltdown today had people all over the U.S.
seeing fluctuations in their bank account balances.
It is estimated that it will cost the nation
just over a trillion dollars in bailouts.
Many worry the government's Chinese
creditors will call the U.S. on its debt.
A trillion dollars?
Do you think this is gonna come down on us?
Come on!
Are you friends with Lalya Saratova?
Uh, yes?
Come with me.
Anya! He found Lalya! Lets go!
[screaming]
What's up, bitches?
[screams]
Lalya!
Hey.
See you around.
So, where are we?
Me-me-me-Mexico.
That's good girl.
I had enough of this Hollywood and United States.
I think we helped to make
it a province of China anyway.
Where we going?
Estudios Mexicano.
I have so much to tell you.
It is off the hook.
Woo!
Do you know how to drive now?
I learned.
Sorry.