White Chicks (2004) - full transcript

♪[Latin Thugs

by Cypress Hill playing]

♪ DON'T BE LIKE,

UH, A CUBANO ♪

♪ BE LIKE A ZERO

STONED MARIJUANO ♪

♪ ESTA CAPITAN PINGOLETE ♪

♪ SWING IS HERE

WITH THE FORCE OF A MACHETE ♪

♪ KICK MAD LINGO

FROM SPAIN TO TIJUANA ♪

♪ REAL HIJO DE PUTA

HOMEBOY ASK YO MAMA ♪

♪ NO ME IMPORT

A PINGA MI NINA ♪

♪ ALL I WANNA KNOW

QUE 'TA BUENO CINGA ♪

♪ DON'T BE SCARED

ECHATE PA' CA ♪

♪ WHAT'S THE PLAY DOG,

HOMEBOY GOIN' ON ♪

♪[music playing on radio]

[bell ringing]

[Kevin speaking Spanish]

WHERE'S MANNY?

TELL HIM

THE ICE CREAM MAN

IS HERE.

MANOLO!

[Marcus speaking in Spanish]

♪[both rapping in Spanish]

♪ FREEZE ♪

♪ HAMMER TIME ♪

(both)

♪ OH! OH! OH! OH! ♪

HEY.

CAN WE GET DOWN

TO BUSINESS?

YOU GOT THE MONEY?

AQUI.

♪[singing Guantanamera

in Spanish]

TELL HIM, PAPI.

HE SAID THAT HE'S NOT GONNA

GIVE YOU ONE RED CENT

UNTIL YOU TELL HIM

WHAT FLAVOR THE ICE CREAM IS.

VANILLA.

THAT'S WHAT YOU ORDERED.

TELL HIM.

OK.

(Kevin)

YES, YES, YES.

IT'S ALL ABOUT

THE BENJAMINS,

BABY!

[laughing]

BRING IN THE STUFF.

[mimicking]

BRING IN THE STUFF!

[bell ringing]

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER,

FUNNY MAN!

HE'S FUNNY LIKE THAT!

THERE IS YOUR ICE CREAM.

[speaking Spanish]

TELL HIM. I SEE COMING,

COMING. HE SAY...

[imitating machine gun firing]

[speaking Spanish]

I TELL HIM, I SAY JESUS.

OH.

[speaking Spanish]

[thudding on counter]

HE COMING, AND HE SAY--

HE SAY...

♪[singing La Bamba

in Spanish]

(Marcus)

TELL HIM.

HE SAY,

"F.B.I.

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST."

HE GONNA RUN.

NO, HE AIN'T.

YOU OWE ME $1.

HEY, WHERE YOU GOING,

BIG BOY?

[grunting]

[grunting]

[exclaiming]

GODDAMN. NOW I'M GOING TO

BUST YOUR ASS.

IS THAT ALL YOUR BIG ASS GOT?

[grunting]

ENOUGH!

YO, KEVIN!

KEVIN!

ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO OVER HERE.

RIGHT NOW.

I SWEAR I'LL SHOOT

BOTH OF YOU.

KEVIN!

[grunting]

DAMN, MARCUS, WHY YOU ALWAYS

GOT TO PICK THE BIGGEST DUDE?

I DON'T KNOW.

I LIKE A CHALLENGE.

SEE? WHAT DID I

TELL YOU, HUH?

WE DID IT, RIGHT?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU?

YEAH.

HUH? NO HELP,

NO BACKUP.

YOU THE MAN.

YOU THE MAN.

WE GONNA GET ALL THE CREDIT.

THE BIGGEST BUST

OF OUR CAREER.

YEAH.

400 KEYS OF PURE...

[police siren wailing]

VANILLA ICE CREAM?

WHAT?

HEY, YO, MY MAN! HEY.

WHERE'S THE DRUGS?

I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT DRUGS.

I SELL ICE CREAM.

STRAWBERRY, VANILLA,

NEAPOLITAN, FOR EXAMPLE.

[bell ringing]

(man)

HEY.

TELL MANNY HIS ICE CREAM

DELIVERY IS HERE.

[bell ringing]

NEVER MIND. WRONG STORE.

(both)

F.B.I.! FREEZE!

[guns firing]

[bullets ricocheting]

[machine gun firing]

MARCUS?

I'M GOOD.

THEY'RE MOVING.

LET'S GO!

[men yelling]

I'M GOIN'...

[tires screeching]

WHICH ONE?

I DON'T KNOW!

GOD!

DAMN!

I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD'VE

CALLED FOR BACKUP.

YOU KNOW THE CHIEF'S

GONNA KILL US, RIGHT?

[camera clicking]

LET ME, UH, GIVE

YOU GUYS A LITTLE TIP.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO

OPERATE OUTSIDE THE CHANNELS,

YOU KNOW, DO THE WHOLE

RENEGADE COP THING,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO MAKE SURE

THAT YOU GET THE RIGHT GUY.

WELL,

UH, CHIEF, WE--

WE ALMOST HAD THE GUY.

UH, UH, OUR INTELLIGENCE

WAS JUST A LITTLE OFF.

WAIT A MINUTE.

INTELLIGENCE?

LOOK AROUND YOU,

COPELAND.

THERE'S NOTHING

INTELLIGENT ABOUT THIS.

NOW, I'M TIRED

OF YOUR ESCAPADES.

I WANT THEM TO STOP.

THE LAST THING I NEED IS

TO BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK

OF THE BUREAU.

[cell phone ringing]

AND FURTHERMORE, THE--

HOLD ON.

HELLO? UH, BABY,

I CAN'T TALK.

THE CHIEF IS CHEWING

MY ASS RIGHT NOW.

I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK,

OK? BYE.

SORRY, CHIEF.

AS I WAS SAYING--

[cell phone ringing]

GORDON HERE.

[Gina chattering

on phone]

YES, HE IS.

IT'S FOR YOU.

THANK YOU.

UH, BABY,

I'M STILL WITH THE CHIEF.

NO RESPECT.

NO, HE'S REALLY NOT

HAPPY NOW.

OK, I GOT TO GO. BYE.

THANKS, CHIEF.

YOU--YOU GUYS ARE...

GET THIS PLACE CLEANED UP.

I EXPECT TO HAVE

A FULL REPORT

ON MY DESK TOMORROW.

YES.

YES, SIR.

AND IN THE MEANTIME,

I'M CHECKING WITH

THE BUREAU TO SEE IF

THEY GOT ANY OPENINGS

IN IRAQ.

[camera clicking]

(Gomez)

THE DYNAMIC DUO

STRIKES AGAIN.

WAY TO GO,

BASKIN AND ROBBIN.

[both laugh]

OR--OR IS IT

HAAG AND DAZS?

[scoffs]

HAAG AND DAZS.

YOU WROTE THAT?

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

I LIKE THAT.

LATER, HAAG.

ADIOS, DAZS.

[softly]

I HATE THOSE GUYS, DUDE.

OH, GOD.

ALL RIGHT. WELL,

LET'S GET THIS PLACE

CLEANED UP.

ALL RIGHT.

OK, SO, UH,

YOU DO THE FLOOR.

CLEAN ALL THE ICE CREAM UP

AND I'LL GO WARM THE CAR UP.

OK.

[car honking]

[police siren wailing]

[glass bottles clinking]

OK. SO MUCH FOR A HOT MEAL.

HEY, BABY.

DON'T "HEY, BABY" ME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE ME

SITTING HERE ALL NIGHT

WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

ALL NIGHT? BABY,

IT'S ONLY 8:00!

LOOK, AFTER WORK,

ME AND KEVIN WENT

DOWN TO THE BAR.

WE JUST HAD

A COUPLE OF DRINKS.

I KNOW.

I CALLED THE BAR.

THEY SAID

YOU LEFT AT 7:45.

I CHECKED MAPQUEST, MARCUS.

IT ONLY TAKES 6 MINUTES

TO GET THERE FROM HERE.

SO, IF YOU GOT SOMEBODY ON

THE SIDE, MARCUS,

YOU NEED TO TELL ME.

BABY, LISTEN TO WHAT

YOU JUST SAY.

MAPQUEST SAID IT TAKES

6 MINUTES TO GET HERE.

I GOT HERE IN 8.

WHICH MEANS THERE'S

2 MINUTES UNACCOUNTED FOR.

IF I WAS CHEATING ON YOU,

DON'T YOU THINK I'D NEED

MORE THAN 2 MINUTES?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I AIN'T GOING TO DEAL

WITH THIS. I'M TIRED, OK?

I HAD A LONG DAY AT WORK.

I GOT SHOT AT.

SEE, THAT IS EXACTLY

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WE DON'T COMMUNICATE.

OK, FINE.

YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE?

YES.

COME ON.

LET'S COMMUNICATE. OK?

OK. LET'S START

WITH LAST WEEK.

LAST WEEK.

YOU AND I WERE SUPPOSED

TO GO SHOPPING TOGETHER.

WE GET TO THE MALL,

I BUY THIS BEAUTIFUL DRESS,

I GET MY HAIR DONE.

YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU

JUST DON'T WANT TO...

[snoring softly]

MARCUS!

MMM?

DID YOU HEAR ME JUST NOW?

MMM-HMM.

TELL ME WHAT I SAID.

I HEARD EVERYTHING.

YOU WAS COMMUNICATING.

MARCUS, DON'T PLAY WITH ME

RIGHT NOW.

I AM NOT IN THE MOOD.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU

CAME HOME LATE AND

THEN YOU START--

MARCUS!

YOU ARE FALLING ASLEEP AGAIN.

I AM TALKING TO YOU.

I WASN'T ASLEEP, BABY.

I WAS CLOSING MY EYES

AND VISUALIZING YOUR WORDS.

OH, REALLY?

VISUALIZING?

WHY DON'T YOU

PAINT ME A PICTURE

OF WHAT I JUST SAID?

HOLD ON.

MMM-MMM.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE YOU ARE

FALLING ASLEEP

AGAIN. MARCUS!

MARCUS!

[snoring]

WELL, WELL, WELL,

IF IT ISN'T BEN AND JERRY.

LET ME ASK YOU GUYS

A QUESTION.

WHEN THE CHIEF GOES

TO THE BATHROOM,

WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS

HOLDS HIS BALLS,

AND WHICH ONE WIPES?

NOW, THAT'S THE BALL HOLDER,

RIGHT THERE.

YEAH, YOU CAN TELL

BY THE LITTLE CUP IN HIS HAND.

THAT IS EXACTLY THE ATTITUDE

THAT'S GONNA KEEP YOU GUYS

WORKING THE SHIT DETAIL,

WHILE WE'RE WORKING

THE SOCIALITE KIDNAPPING CASE.

YOU--YOU GUYS GOT

THE SOCIALITE KIDNAPPING CASE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

(sniffs)

WHAT'S THAT?

WHY, I THINK I HEAR

THE CHIEF FLUSHING?

WE BETTER GET GOING.

WHO'S TURN IS IT TO WIPE?

YOURS?

UH, I THINK IT'S

YOUR TURN TO WIPE...

MY TURN.

AND I GUESS I'LL

HOLD THE BALLS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

(Chief)

NOW, WE RECEIVED THIS

FROM MR. ANDREW WILSON,

C.E.O. OF

WILSON CRUISE LINES.

IT WAS DELIVERED

TO HIS HOME.

THE GIRLS IN THE PHOTO

ARE HIS DAUGHTERS

AND HEIRESSES TO

THE WILSON FORTUNE.

WE BELIEVE THEY ARE

THE KIDNAPPER'S NEXT VICTIMS.

MR. WILSON HAS

GIVEN US PERMISSION

TO SHADOW HIS DAUGHTERS.

WE'RE GOING TO

SET UP SURVEILLANCE,

AND IF THE KIDNAPPER STRIKES,

THIS TIME

WE WILL BE READY.

NOW, THE WILSON SISTERS

WILL BE FLYING INTO J.F.K.

THIS MORNING.

SO WHO'S GOING

TO PICK 'EM UP?

OK.

OBVIOUSLY, EVERYONE HAS READ

THE PROFILE ON THE GIRLS.

STILL, SOMEBODY'S

GOT TO DO IT.

I DON'T THINK

THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.

KEVIN.

I DON'T CARE, OK?

WE DESERVE TO BE ON THIS

CASE JUST AS MUCH AS

GOMEZ AND HARPER.

I KNOW, BUT WE DON'T WANT

TO INTERRUPT THE MAN

IN THE MIDDLE OF A BRIEFING.

WELL, SOMEBODY GOT

TO STAND UP TO HIM.

KEVIN. KEVIN!

CHIEF.

WHAT?

MARCUS HAS SOMETHING

HE WANT TO TELL YOU.

WHAT?

UM, CHIEF,

WE--WE JUST WANT TO KNOW

IF WE COULD GET ON THE CASE.

YOU'RE ON.

THE BOYS OVER AT INTEL

SEEM TO THINK

THAT THE KIDNAPPER'S

A GUY NAMED TED BURTON.

IT SAYS BURTON WAS

A PARTNER OF WILSON'S

AND SOME OTHER ASSOCIATES

IN SOME BUSINESS VENTURE

THAT FAILED.

SAYS HE SPENT TIME

IN THE FEDERAL PEN

AND LOST HIS FORTUNE.

GUY'S BEEN M.I.A.

SINCE HIS RELEASE,

AND THOSE DATES COINCIDE

WITH THE FIRST KIDNAPPINGS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK THIS

BABYSITTING GIG SUCKS.

DUDE, RELAX.

LOOK, MAN.

ALL WE GOT TO DO IS

PICK THESE CHICKS UP,

DROP THEIR ASS

OFF IN THE HAMPTONS,

THEN WE BACK IN

THE CHIEF'S GOOD GRACES.

I DIDN'T JOIN

THE F.B.I. TO

BECOME A NANNY.

I WANT TO BE OUT

ON THE STREET WHERE

THE ACTION IS.

OK, BLACKIE CHAN,

AND YOU'LL GET THERE.

BUT CAN WE JUST

DO THIS FIRST, PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT.

YOU DIDN'T PUT DAIRY

IN THIS, DID YOU?

NO.

NOW, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW

I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

LAST TIME, I BARELY

MADE IT TO

THE BATHROOM, MAN.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO

DISTURB YOUR STOMACH?

THERE GOES YOUR GIRLS!

COME ON, MAN.

LET'S DO THIS.

OH, NO. NO.

♪ MS. WILSON YOU MUST BE

WORTH A TRILLION BUCKS ♪

♪ GET THE FEELIN' THAT

YOU DON'T REALLY GIVE A... ♪

HI, I'M KEVIN COPELAND.

THIS IS--

WE ALREADY GAVE TO

THE UNITED NEGRO FUND.

YEAH.

WHAT?

WHAT?

WAIT.

EXCUSE US.

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

HOLD ON.

WE'RE ACTUALLY HERE

TO ESCORT YOU LADIES

TO THE HAMPTONS.

OH, THE BAGS

ARE ON THE PLANE.

TAKE BABY

AND CLEAN OUT HIS BAG.

OH, MY GOD, HE DIDN'T HAVE

HIS COLONIC AND HE LIKE

POOPED EVERYWHERE.

♪ BREEZE BY VELVET ROPES ♪

♪ SKI THIS TOWN

LIKE A BUNNY SLOPE ♪

[growling]

WHAT'S THIS?

BABY GOT TO RIDE

IN THE CAR SEAT.

AND WHERE THE HELL

AM I SUPPOSED TO SIT?

THIS AIN'T RIGHT.

[tires screeching]

MAN, YOU GUYS SURE

GOT A LOT OF BAGS

FOR A WEEKEND.

[snorts]

THIS ISN'T "A" WEEKEND,

IT'S "THE" WEEKEND.

LABOR DAY

IN THE HAMPTONS.

THE LAST WEEKEND

OF THE SOCIAL SEASON.

LIKE, ONLY

THE HOTTEST PEOPLE

ARE GOING TO BE THERE.

AND ONLY

THE HOTTEST OF THE HOTTEST

ARE GOING TO MAKE

IT ONTO THE COVER

OF HAMPTONS MAGAZINE.

AND THIS IS OUR YEAR.

YEAH.

UH, OPEN THE WINDOW.

BABY LIKES

A LITTLE FRESH BREEZE.

I JUST HOPE

THE VANDERGELD SISTERS'

PRIVATE JET

CRASHES ON THE WAY THERE.

OH, MY GOD, BRITTANY!

YOU WERE THINKING IT!

I KNOW, BUT YOU SAID IT.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

YOU KNOW HEATHER

TOTALLY HATES YOU

BECAUSE YOU SLEPT

WITH HER BOYFRIEND.

OH, MY GOD.

SO WHAT? I SLEEP

WITH EVERYONE'S BOYFRIEND.

[Baby yelping]

[both screaming]

[cars honking]

[tires screeching]

[Baby yelping]

[tires screeching]

[car honking]

[car honking]

[girls screaming]

[growling]

[barking]

[truck horn blaring]

OH!

[Baby yelping]

[girls exclaiming]

[birds chirping]

IS EVERYBODY ALL RIGHT?

OH, MY GOD! YOUR LIP.

OH, MY GOD! YOUR NOSE.

[both screaming]

MARCUS, ARE YOU OK?

I'M COOL.

[girls screaming, shouting]

(Tiffany)

I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU THINK WE'RE GOING

TO GO TO THE HAMPTONS

WITH MY FACE

LOOKING LIKE THAT?!

IT'S--IT'S REALLY

NOT THAT BAD. JUST--

JUST GET SOME MAKEUP

AND COVER IT UP.

PUT MAKEUP ON THIS?

I AM SO

FRICKING PISSED.

(Brittany)

MY GOD, I MEAN,

THIS IS LIKE

THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I WENT TO GO GET

MY BROWS DONE,

AND I TOLD HER TO MAKE ME

LOOK LIKE J-LO.

AND THEN THAT

FRICKING RUSSIAN TOAD

MADE ME LOOK LIKE

LIZA MINNELLI OR SOMETHING,

YOU KNOW?

OH, MY GOD!

I'M GOING TO HAVE A B.F.

WAIT. HEY, W-WHAT'S A B.F.?

SHE'S GOING TO

HAVE A BITCH FIT!

YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.

I AM GOING TO CALL

YOUR BOSS.

COME ON,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

NO, I'M GONNA CALL

THE OWNER OF THE COMPANY.

COME ON, JUST TAKE IT EASY.

LOOK, WE CAN WORK THIS OUT.

NO! I'M GOING TO

WRITE A LETTER.

NO. NO. NO.

PLEASE DON'T WRITE A LETTER.

LOOK, JUST CALM DOWN.

YOU GUYS JUST--JUST STAY HERE.

STAY--STAY HERE

THE WHOLE WEEKEND.

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

BUT WHATEVER YOU DO,

DO NOT LEAVE THIS ROOM.

DON'T LEAVE THIS ROOM,

'CAUSE--'CAUSE IF YOU

LEAVE THIS ROOM,

EVERYONE'S GONNA SEE

THOSE HIDEOUS SCARS.

SCAR?

SCAR?

(Tiffany)

OH, MY GOD! PERMANENT DAMAGE!

OH MY GOD.

MY LIFE IS OVER.

IF I LOSE THIS JOB

WITH THESE GOOD BENEFITS,

GINA'S GONNA KILL ME.

[door closing]

[cars honking]

WELL?

THEY WON'T GO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

THEY WON'T GO?

THEY WON'T GO.

MARCUS, THIS WEEKEND

IN THE HAMPTONS

MEANS EVERYTHING

FOR THESE GIRLS.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA SHOW UP

WITH A SCRATCHED-UP NOSE

AND A BUSTED LIP

FOR NOBODY.

OK.

[traffic rumbling]

THAT'S COOL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

NOTHIN', I'M JUST GOING

TO KILL MYSELF

BEFORE THE CHIEF DOES.

BYE-BYE, KEVIN.

COME ON.

DON'T DO THAT.

STOP BEING RIDICULOUS.

I'M NOT BEING RIDICULOUS,

KEVIN. YOU HEARD THE MAN.

ONE MORE SCREW-UP,

AND ME AND YOU ARE THROUGH.

I KNOW, MAN!

[cell phone ringing]

SEE?

THAT'S PROBABLY HIM

RIGHT NOW.

HEY, WHAT'S UP, CHIEF?

LOOK, THERE'S

SOMETHING ME AND KEVIN

WANT TO TELL YOU.

YEAH, UH, YEAH, CHIEF? HEY.

UH, YEAH, ME AND MARCUS JUST--

WE JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU

FOR THE OPPORTUNITY--

NO, WE DIDN'T.

OH, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH,

WE REALLY

APPRECIATE IT.

WELL, THEY JUST WANTED

TO STOP OFF

AND GET SOMETHIN' TO EAT.

HE LYING--

YEAH. OH

2, 3 HOURS MAX.

[whining]

OH, TRUST ME.

IF I DON'T HAVE 'EM

THERE IN 3 HOURS,

I'LL CUT 'EM OFF

AND MAIL 'EM TO YOU MYSELF.

ALL RIGHT, TAKE CARE.

BYE.

HE LIED, CHIEF. OH.

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

YOU KNOW THEM GIRLS

AIN'T GONNA BE THERE.

OH, THEY'LL BE THERE.

HEY, JOSH.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE

PART OF THE TEAM?

[sample from

Blazing Saddles]

WHERE ARE THE WHITE WOMEN AT?

LET'S DO THIS.

♪[Shake It like a White Girl

by Jesse Jaymes playing]

♪ GIRLS, WELL,

THEY'RE HARD TO FIND ♪

♪ BUT I SAW THE GIRL

WHO WAS ONE OF A KIND ♪

♪ A WHITE GIRL

WHO BLEW MY MIND ♪

♪ SHE LOOKED GOOD UP FRONT,

BUT BETTER FROM BEHIND ♪

♪ HAD A REAL NICE BODY,

SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN SNOTTY ♪

♪ BUT SO WHAT,

THE CHICK WAS A HOTTIE ♪

♪ I CLEARED MY THROAT

AND I WENT UP TO GET HER ♪

♪ 'CAUSE SHE HAD THE LOOK

I WANT TO KNOW BETTER ♪

♪ SHE WAS WIGGLIN', GIGGLIN',

SHAKIN', JIGGLIN' ♪

♪ MOVIN', GROOVIN',

DANCIN', WIGGLIN' ♪

♪ I SAID HOW YOU DOIN'?

BY ANY CHANCE ♪

♪ CAN I HAVE THE HONOR

OF THE NEXT DANCE? ♪

♪ SHE SAID,

OH, YES ♪

[exclaiming]

HE'S RIGHT.

MAKE 'EM BIGGER.

♪ I DID A STUTTER-STEP

LIKE EARL THE PEARL ♪

♪ BUT I COULDN'T KEEP UP ♪

♪ 'CAUSE SHE SHOOK IT

LIKE A WHITE GIRL ♪

♪ SHAKE IT LIKE A WHITE GIRL,

SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT ♪

♪ SHAKE IT ON DOWN,

ON DOWN ♪

CHIEF.

MMM?

THEY'RE HERE.

ALL RIGHT, THE GIRLS

ARE YOURS.

STICK WITH THEM.

DON'T BLOW

YOUR COVER.

YES, SIR.

ARE YOU SURE

THIS IS GOING TO WORK?

JUST TRUST ME.

FOLLOW MY LEAD.

[spitting]

SHH.

[man wolf-whistling]

YO, WHAT'S UP, MONEY?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

WHAT YOU LOOKIN'

AT MY ASS FOR?

[Baby yelping]

NO, YO, HOLD MY POODLE.

HOLD MY POODLE!

HEY, YO, WHAT'S UP?

Y'ALL GOT A PROBLEM?

Y'ALL WANT SOME OF THIS?

YOU WANT SOME OF THIS, PUNK?

WHAT? WHAT, BOY? WHAT?

I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU!

LET'S GET OUT

OF HERE.

I GOT THIS FOR YOU!

KISS MY BLACK ASS!

MARCUS, CUT IT OUT!

HE LOOKIN' AT ME

LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF GIRL.

YOU ARE A GIRL!

AND YOU BETTER

START ACTING LIKE ONE,

OR YOU'RE GONNA BE

A UNEMPLOYED GIRL.

DAMN.

I'D SURE LIKE TO

CUT THAT CAKE.

HERE, YO, HOLD THIS!

HEY, YO, YOU TRYING TO

LOOK AT MY LUMPS?

I'LL PULL OFF MY G-STRING

AND HANDLE MINE.

KEVIN, IT'S GOMEZ.

I'LL HANDLE MINE.

WELCOME TO

THE ROYAL HAMPTONS HOTEL.

THE BAGS ARE

IN THE CAR, JOSE.

UH, THE NAME IS GOMEZ.

WHATEVER.

HERE.

AND TAKE BABY.

CLEAN OUT HIS BAG.

POOR THING JUST

POOPED EVERYWHERE.

AND TEACH HIM HOW TO SAY

"QUIERO TACO BELL."

THANKS A LOT, RICO SUAVE.

GRAZI.

(Marcus)

THANKS, JULIO.

RIGHT AWAY, MA'AM.

[Baby whimpering]

♪[music playing]

[crashing]

SWEETIE, YOU'VE GOT TO

SLOW UP WITH THOSE COSMOS.

[giggling]

I'M FINE.

BRITTANY AND TIFFANY WILSON,

CHECKING IN.

SORRY. UH, UH,

THEY'RE NEW.

DR. DORFMAN

DID AN AMAZING JOB.

OH, THEY FEEL SO REAL.

[laughing]

HI. YEAH,

I--I JUST, UH...

I NEED A--A

CREDIT CARD, PLEASE.

A-AND SOME I.D., PLEASE.

CREDIT CARD? I.D.?

I'M SO FRICKIN' PISSED.

MA'AM, I--

FIRST OF ALL,

I GO TO DR. DORFMAN.

HE TOTALLY

MESSES UP MY NOSE JOB.

I ASK HIM TO MAKE ME

LOOK LIKE GWYNETH PALTROW.

[sobbing]

I GET OFF THE SURGERY TABLE

LOOKING LIKE FRICKIN' SHREK.

THEN I GET HERE,

AND MR. HARPER

MAKES ME FEEL LIKE

I'M SOME DUMB BLONDE

WITH FAKE BOOBS

GOING TO

A HUGH HEFNER PARTY.

NO, NO,

I--I DIDN'T MEAN

TO OFFEND YOU.

IT'S JUST--

IT'S--IT'S PROTOCOL.

I'M GOING TO HAVE A B.F.

OH, MY GOD. SHE'S GOING

TO HAVE A BITCH FIT. OH!

NO. NO, NO, NO, D-D-DON'T

HAVE A--A--A B.F. NOW--

I WANT TO SPEAK

TO YOUR SUPERVISOR.

BETTER YET, I'M GOING

TO WRITE A LETTER.

MISS, THERE'S NO REASON TO--

YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.

"DEAR MR. ROYAL HAMPTON,

"I AM A WHITE WOMAN

IN AMERICA."

LADIES?

IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE?

YEAH.

NO.

YES.

SIR, NO, NO,

THERE'S--THERE'S--

THERE'S NO PROBLEM. I--

(Chief)

THESE ARE 2

OF OUR V.I.P. GUESTS.

ISSUE THEM KEYS.

IMMEDIATELY, HMM?

YES, SIR.

V.I.P.

LEARN YOUR ACRONYMS.

WHAT A SWEETHEART.

HERE YOU ARE.

ENJOY YOUR STAY.

HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE

DENZEL WASHINGTON?

[Chief tittering]

YES, ACTUALLY I, UH, HAVE

HEARD IT ONCE OR TWICE.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL

CHOCOLATE MAN.

[laughs]

BEAUTIFUL. OH MY GOD.

OOH, THAT WAS CLOSE.

YEAH.

[chattter, exclaiming]

ARE THEY WAVING AT US?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

JUST ACT FRIENDLY.

[girls hooting]

MY GOD.

HI.

WELL, DON'T ACT

LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW US.

KAREN? LISA? TORI?

OH, MY GOD!

UH, DUH!

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU

IN FOREVER.

IT'S ONLY BEEN

A YEAR.

DID YOU DO SOMETHING

DIFFERENT TO YOUR HAIR?

NO.

YOU GAIN WEIGHT?

NO.

I KNOW!

YOU JUST HAD A BIRTHDAY.

YEAH.

TOTALLY. TOTAL FIRE SIGN.

I KNEW IT.

I TOTALLY KNEW IT.

NO, WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE IS DEFINITELY

SOMETHING DIFFERENT

ABOUT THE 2 OF YOU.

[gasps]

COLLAGEN.

YEAH!

YOU LITTLE WITCH.

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

DUH, IT'S TOTALLY OBVIOUS.

YOUR LIPS WENT FROM

CAMERON DIAZ TO JAY-Z.

(Lisa)

HEY.

YOU GOT TALLER, TOO.

OH, UM,

WE GOT OUR KNEES DONE.

[gasps]

YOU CAN DO THAT?

YOU CAN DO THAT?

YOU SHOULD DO THAT!

YES! YES!

WELL, IT WAS REALLY GOOD

SEEING YOU LADIES. BYE!

SEE YOU LATER.

EXCUSE ME.

WHERE DO YOU THINK

YOU'RE GOING?

UM, TO GO FRESHEN UP?

YEAH.

THE HAMPTONS MAGAZINE

RECEPTION JUST STARTED,

SO LET'S HIT IT.

[all chattering]

♪ OH, IT'S MY LIFE ♪

HEY, CHECK IT OUT.

♪ DON'T YOU FORGET ♪

ARE THOSE THE

WILSON SISTERS?

MORE LIKE

THE WILT CHAMBERLAIN

SISTERS.

MAN, I NEVER NOTICED

HOW BIG THEY ARE.

BUT I'D STILL BONE!

OH, MY GOD.

THERE'S HEATH.

HI.

DUDE, ARE YOU HITTING

KAREN GOOGLESTEIN,

THE SOAP HEIRESS, TOO?

HOW DO YOU KEEP

THAT SHIT DANGLING?

I KEEP TELLING HER

I'M GOING TO BREAK UP

WITH MY GIRL.

YOU BETTER HOPE

HEATHER DOESN'T FIND OUT.

SHE WON'T.

AT LEAST UNTIL

I WRAP UP THIS BIG DEAL

WITH HER FATHER.

(Heath)

HEY, MR. V!

AND LOOK,

THERE THEY ARE.

THE FEN-PHEN TWINS.

THEY'RE HOT.

WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND?

THAT'S HEATHER

AND MEGAN VANDERGELD.

YOUR SWORN ENEMIES

SINCE YOU WERE LIKE,

I DON'T KNOW, 8?

YEAH.

TOTALLY FORGOT.

DID I SAY HOT?

I MEANT NOT!

TOTALLY HATE THEM.

DID YOU GUYS

HEAR ABOUT MEGAN?

SHE GOT STOPPED

BY SECURITY AT SAKS

TRYING TO PULL A WINONA.

MEGAN.

HUH?

(Megan)

OH, GOD.

[giggling]

COME ON.

EXCUSE ME.

(Megan)

THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN.

MOVE.

LOOK WHO JUST FLEW IN

FROM THE SLUMS

OF BEVERLY HILLS.

IT'S THE BEVERLY

HO-BILLIES!

[people chattering]

SQUEEZE ME?

OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T!

(Marcus)

I'M SORRY, BUT, UH,

WE JUST SAW

YOUR NEW VIDEO.

YEAH, THEY HAD A SCREENING

OVER AT SAKS 5TH AVENUE--

IN THE SECURITY OFFICE.

[both laughing]

A KLEPT-HO-MANIAC.

[both giggling]

YOUR MOTHER

SHOPS AT SAKS.

WHAT?

[both hissing]

OH, MY GOD. YOU WANT TO

TALK ABOUT MOTHERS?

[both exclaiming]

(Kevin)

OH, YOU WANT TO

TALK ABOUT MOTHERS.

IT'S MOTHER TIME. OK.

YOUR MOTHER'S SO DUMB

SHE WENT TO DR. DRE

FOR A PAP SMEAR!

"SOMETHING'S WRONG, DR. DRE.

MY COOCHIE'S

DOIN' A BEATBOX!"

♪[immitating rap beat]

YEAH? WELL,

YOUR MOTHER IS SO STUPID,

SHE EXERCISES WHEN

SHE COULD JUST GET, LIKE,

LIPOSUCTION OR SOMETHING.

YEAH.

YOUR MOTHER'S SO OLD

THAT HER BREAST MILK

IS POWDERED!

YOU BREAST-FEED

LIKE THIS.

[all laughing]

YOUR MOTHER

IS SO, LIKE...

SHE'S SO...

MEGAN, YOU GO.

YOUR MOTHER IS SO STUPID

THAT SHE GOES TO

BARNEYS ROOFTOP DECK

RESTAURANT FOR LUNCH

AND ORDERS A NICOISE SALAD AND

CALLS IT A "NI-KOISE" SALAD.

"NI-KOISE" SALAD, RIGHT?

YOUR MOTHER'S ASS

IS SO HAIRY,

IT LOOKS LIKE DON KING'S

ABOUT TO POP OUT AND SAY,

"ONLY IN AMERICA!"

YOUR MOTHER'S SO STUPID

THAT SHE GOES INTO GUCCI

AND SHE TRIES TO BUY,

LIKE, FENDI AND STUFF.

MEGAN, HEATHER.

COME ON NOW, GIRLS.

IS THIS ANY WAY TO SPEAK

TO YOUR PARTY GUESTS?

(Warren)

WOW! BRITTANY

AND TIFFANY WILSON.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU

SINCE YOU WERE...

SMALLER.

YEAH. WELL,

WE'RE ALL GROWN UP NOW.

YEAH,

I CAN SEE THAT.

LADIES, I FULLY EXPECT

TO SEE YOU LATER

AT THE WHITE PARTY.

I THINK IT'S GONNA

BE THE BEST ONE EVER.

WE'LL BE THERE.

TAKE CARE. BYE.

BYE, MR. V.

GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN.

THIS ISN'T OVER YET.

THIS IS A LONG WEEKEND.

YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK.

[snapping fingers]

LADIES.

WHATEVER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU GUYS JUST DID THAT

TO THE VANDERGELDS.

YOU KNOW, THEY COULD

TAKE YOU OFF

THE SCENE JUST LIKE THAT.

YEAH, BUT IT WAS

SO COOL, YOU GUYS.

SO COOL!

[girls giggling]

ISN'T THAT DENISE PORTER

FROM NEW YORK 1 NEWS?

(Tori) YEAH.

I'M WORKING ON GETTING YOU

AN INTERVIEW WITH HER.

GREAT FOR YOUR IMAGE.

I THINK I'M GONNA GO OVER THERE

AND INTRODUCE MYSELF.

DO YOU THINK

NOW'S A GOOD TIME?

ACTUALLY,

IT'S A PERFECT TIME.

WOULDN'T WANT TO

MISS A PHOTO OP.

[grunting]

NEVER THAT.

SEE YOU LATER.

HAVE FUN.

WHAT'S WRONG, HONEY?

DID YOU JUST GET CRAMPS?

YEAH.

DO YOU NEED A TAMP?

HEATING PAD?

HORS D'OEUVRES?

OH, THANK YOU,

WOLFGANG PACO.

HMM.

WOULD YOU GIVE THAT

TO BABY? THANK YOU.

BYE, CHICO.

BON APPETIT.

VAMONOS.

(Lisa)

I'LL HAVE ONE.

[in male voice]

HI, MY NAME IS--

BRITTANY WILSON, OF COURSE.

[in female voice]

YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?

BRITTANY WILSON. YEAH!

WELL, IT'S MY JOB TO KNOW.

BESIDES, YOUR PUBLICIST,

TORI, HAS BEEN CALLING ME

NON-STOP

ABOUT SETTING UP

AN INTERVIEW WITH YOU.

WELL, IF I WOULD'VE KNOWN

YOU WERE SO BEAUTIFUL,

I PROBABLY WOULD'VE

CALLED YOU MYSELF.

WELL, IF I WASN'T MISTAKEN,

I'D THINK YOU WERE FLIRTING

WITH ME, MISS WILSON.

ME? FLIRTING WITH YOU?

A GIRL? NEVER.

[cackling]

SORRY, HONEY.

I DON'T EAT SUSHI.

STRICTLY BEEF.

(laughs)

BOY, YOU'RE REALLY STRONG,

AREN'T YOU?

IT'S FROM ALL THAT PROTEIN.

[laughing]

OH, MY GOD.

THESE ARE DELICIOUS.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO SLOW DOWN

ON THE CHEESE.

YOU MEAN, THERE'S CHEESE,

AS IN DAIRY CHEESE?

YEAH. UNLESS YOU KNOW

ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE QUICHE.

[all laughing]

[stomach growling]

UH, LADIES, I--I THINK I GOT

TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

OH, GOOD. WE'LL COME WITH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I--I CAN HANDLE IT MYSELF.

THANK YOU, THOUGH.

LIKE WE'RE GOING

TO LET YOU GO ALONE.

YEAH, COME ON.

TIME FOR TOUCHUPS ANYWAY.

MOVE, BITCH.

[groaning]

OH, GOD.

[farting]

[Marcus moaning]

[Marcus panting]

OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

HEATH IS HERE.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

KAREN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT YOU SEE IN HIM.

HE'S AN OUT-OF-WORK ACTOR

LIVING IN A SHARE HOUSE.

AND HE DRIVES

A 3-SERIES B.M.W.

[farting]

[Marcus groaning]

YOU KNOW, TORI,

I REALLY THINK

THAT YOU NEED TO CUT HEATH

A LITTLE BIT OF SLACK, OK?

BECAUSE HIS AUNT DIED

3 YEARS AGO AND HE REALLY

NEEDS NEW HEADSHOTS.

HE'S JUST GOING THROUGH

A REALLY ROUGH TIME

RIGHT NOW. OK?

[Marcus farting,

groaning]

[farting]

YOU OK?

[continues farting]

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT

IN THERE?

IT'S FINE. SHIT.

TIFF, WE'RE JUST

GOING TO MEET

YOU OUTSIDE. OK?

[farting]

OK.

LOVE YOU.

[groaning]

MAN, IT MAY BE SUMMERTIME

IN THE HAMPTONS,

BUT IT IS SNOWING

UP IN HERE.

TONY, HAND ME MY BOOTS

BECAUSE I'M ABOUT

TO GO SKIING.

[exclaims]

GREAT GAME LAST NIGHT,

LATRELL.

THAT'S WHAT

I DO, BABY.

[people chattering]

NOW THAT'S WHAT

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

A WHITE GIRL WITH

A BLACK GIRL'S ASS.

I'M TAKIN'

THAT HOME TO MAMA.

OHH.

PARDON ME.

SANTA MUST'VE COME

EARLY THIS YEAR,

BECAUSE YOU WERE FIRST

ON MY CHRISTMAS LIST.

OOH, THERE IT IS,

RIGHT THERE.

I WANT TO KNOW.

ARE YOU NAUGHTY OR NICE?

SORRY,

I'M NOT INTERESTED.

I'LL TAKE THAT

AS NAUGHTY.

NAUGHTY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:

"ONCE YOU GO BLACK,

YOU'RE GOING TO

NEED A WHEELCHAIR."

HEY, LATRELL.

I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT.

TONY.

OK, CALL ME LATER.

AS I WAS SAYIN'...

YEAH.

LOOK, KING KONG.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOU

AND YOUR 1980 PICKUP LINES,

CLIMB ALL THE UP TO THE TOP

OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING,

BEAT ON YOUR BIG

OLD MONKEY CHEST,

AND THEN JUMP OFF?

EXCUSE ME.

NOW, NOW, HOLD UP,

HOLD ON NOW. I'LL GET THE--

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, MAN.

[groaning]

SHE DON'T KNOW IT YET,

OH, BUT THAT'S WIFEY

RIGHT THERE.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

FOR JUST ONE SECOND.

I'M WARREN VANDERGELD.

I'M SURE MOST OF YOU KNOW ME,

AND I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU

THAT TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT.

THE VANDERGELD FOUNDATION'S

ANNUAL CHARITY AUCTION.

[people cheering]

SO BRING YOUR CHECKBOOK,

DRESS TO IMPRESS,

AND WE'LL SEE YOU

THERE. HAVE FUN.

OK, OK.

SO WHAT ARE YOU

GOING TO WEAR?

UH, THIS?

[all laughing]

(Tori)

YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

[clears throat]

OK.

LADIES, YOU KNOW

WHAT THIS MEANS.

(all)

SHOPPING!

(both)

SHOPPING.

(male radio announcer)

AND NOW,

THE NUMBER-ONE

MOST REQUESTED SONG

ON W.Q.Q.R...

♪[A Thousand Miles

by Vanessa Carlton playing]

OH, MY GOD!

IT'S OUR JAM!

THIS IS OUR JAM.

THIS IS OUR JAM, LADIES.

COME ON.

OH, MY GOD.

READY?

YES.

5, 6, 7, 8...

(all)

♪ MAKING MY WAY DOWNTOWN,

WALKING FAST ♪

♪ FACES PASS

AND I'M HOMEBOUND ♪

♪[humming]

♪[humming]

♪ STARING BLANKLY AHEAD ♪

♪ JUST MAKING MY WAY ♪

♪ MAKING A WAY

THROUGH THE CROWD ♪

TAKE IT, TIFF AND BRITT.

THIS IS YOUR VERSE.

♪ INTO THE SKY ♪

[both muttering]

♪ DO YOU THINK TIME

WOULD PASS ME BY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'D WALK

A THOUSAND MILES ♪

♪ IF I COULD JUST SEE YOU ♪

♪ TOMORROW-- ♪

♪ TONIGHT ♪

SORRY, C-MINUS.

♪ THE REALEST NIGGA ♪

WHOO!

THAT'S HOT.

TOTALLY HOT.

♪ FEEL THAT NIGGA ♪

[music stops]

GUYS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT YOU JUST SAID THAT.

SAID WHAT?

THE "N" WORD.

UH....SO?

NOBODY'S AROUND.

YEAH.

♪ REALEST NIGGA ♪

(all)

♪ 50 CENT AND B.I.G.

MY NIGGA ♪

♪ DON'T TRY TO ACT LIKE

YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE A NIGGA ♪

♪ BIGGIE YO NIGGA,

50 YO NIGGA ♪

♪ SQUEEZE THE TRIGGA'

LEAVE A NIGGA FO' SHO ♪

[singing, laughing]

WHOA.

PANTIES!

AWW!

BUSH!

AW, NICE!

BALL!

BALLS!

OHH! I'M GONNA

THROW UP!

LADIES, CAN I HELP YOU?

YES, ACTUALLY.

I NEED SOMETHING

FOR MY FRIEND.

SOMETHING THAT SAYS,

"I'M NOT A WHORE, BUT

I'M NOT A VIRGIN EITHER."

I'VE GOT JUST THE THING.

COME.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, BRITTANY?

OH, NO, THANK YOU,

SWEETIE. I'M FINE.

OH, GOOD.

YOU CAN HELP ME. COME ON.

ME?

YEAH, COME ON, WE'RE GIRLS.

IT'S WHAT WE DO.

OH, GOD. WHAT THE--

[grunting]

[cell phone ringing]

OH--

OH, COME ON.

HELLO?

HI, BABY.

HEY, WHAT'S UP, BABY?

WELL,

I'M GETTING MY HAIR DONE,

AND I WAS THINKING

THAT WE COULD GO THE MOVIES.

HOW'S THAT SOUND?

UH...

I'M BACK!

WHO IS THAT?

OOH, YOU'RE NEVER GOING

TO GET THAT BIG OLD HEAD

IN THIS TINY HOLE.

HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.

HOLD ON.

I'LL HOLD IT OPEN

WHILE YOU PUT IT IN.

OK.

OK?

WHAT IS SHE HOLDING OPEN?

MARCUS?

PUSH IT. PUSH IT.

IT'S ALMOST IN.

WHAT IS ALMOST IN?

MARCUS.

[both moaning]

MARCUS ANTHONY COPELAND II,

YOU BETTER ANSWER ME

RIGHT NOW.

[both exclaiming]

IT'S SO TIGHT.

TIGHT?!

THE ONLY THING'S

THAT'S GOING TO BE TIGHT

IS MY FOOT DOWN YOUR THROAT.

YOU BETTER ANSWER ME!

IT'S A PERFECT FIT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

WHAT I JUST HEARD.

I TOLD YOU.

[panting]

I'M EXHAUSTED.

GINA. DAMN. HELLO?

BABY? HELLO?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THAT LOOKS SO SEXY.

[gasps]

ARE YOU KIDDING?

"HI. I'M CELLULITE SALLY.

LOOK AT MY HUGE BEDONKEY."

OH. "AND DON'T FORGET

ABOUT ME. I'M BACK FAT BETTY."

NOW WHO COULD HAVE SAID THAT?

OH, YEAH, IT'S TINA

THE TALKING TUMMY.

I CAN'T EVEN

WEAR A SHORT SKIRT

AND A TOP WITHOUT

LOOKING LIKE A FAT PIG!

WELL, CALM DOWN.

I'LL GO SEE IF THERE'S

SOMETHING ELSE OUT THERE

FOR YOU. OK?

[grunting]

DO YOU THINK

HEATH WILL...

DO YOU NEED HELP?

UM...

I THINK I NEED A BIGGER SIZE.

HONEY, YOU NEVER NEED

A BIGGER SIZE.

COME HERE.

LET ME SHOW YOU

A LITTLE TRICK.

BRACE YOURSELF.

SUCK IT IN.

OOH!

SQUEEZE THOSE CHEEKS,

SISTER.

SUCK IT IN.

COME ON. WORK WITH ME.

[grunting]

DON'T GIVE UP ON ME.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

SUCK IT IN.

[squealing]

NOW THAT LOOKS TOTALLY CUTE.

OH, MY GOD! ARE YOU KIDDING?

"HI, I'M CARNIE WILSON BEFORE

MY GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY."

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THIS?

THIS GOES WITH

YOUR SKIN TONE.

SOMEBODY THROW SHAMU

BACK IN THE OCEAN!

OK, OK, LET ME GET YOU

SOMETHING ELSE. OK?

[zipping]

OHHH!

HOWS THAT?

I CAN'T BREATHE.

HONEY, THIS IS JUST

NOT GOING TO WORK.

I'M SORRY.

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

YOU'RE WEARING

THE WRONG UNDERWEAR.

[screaming]

IS THAT BETTER?

I CAN TASTE THE LEATHER.

OK, YOU NEED A PAIR

OF HOT SHOES.

WHAT SIZE

DO YOU WEAR AGAIN?

[mumbling]

14.

WHAT?

A 14.

[laughing]

HONEY.

DO YOU THINK

YOU COULD BRING

US A SIZE 10?

A WHAT?!

A 10.

IT'S AN OPEN-TOED SLIDE.

IT GIVES YOU 2 SIZES

IN THE FRONT

AND 2 IN THE BACK.

WHAT ABOUT THESE, HUH?

THIS ONE'S--

YOU BITCH!

THAT'S SO TERRIBLE.

LET ME GO AND SEE IF

THERE'S SOME HELP OUT THERE.

SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP.

YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP.

HANG ON.

OK. OK.

(Kevin)

DR. PHIL!

OPRAH. SOMEBODY, HELP ME.

TIFF!

(Tori)

COME ON OUT, HONEY.

LET'S SEE.

OH, IT IS ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS.

IF YOU DON'T BUY IT,

I'M BUYING IT FOR MYSELF.

I DON'T KNOW.

STAND UP STRAIGHT.

S-STRAIGHT? OK.

HUH!

TURN AROUND.

TURN AROUND? OK.

HONEY, JUST RELAX.

BREATHE.

OOPS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE A NICE DRESS.

MMM.

[car honking]

OK. WHO WOULD YOU DO?

JANET RENO OR ROSIE O'DONNELL?

OH, COME ON.

AND YOU GOTTA KISS 'EM

AND GO DOWN ON 'EM.

WHAT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

AND DEATH IS NOT AN OPTION.

I...

I DON'T KNOW.

ROSIE.

OH! YOU'RE A PIG.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ROSIE'S-- SHE'S ALL RIGHT.

HEADS UP.

HERE THEY ARE.

SANGRIA? SANGRIA, EVERYONE?

OH, YEAH.

SO HOLD ON.

WHO WOULD YOU DO?

NO TIME.

WE'RE ON THE JOB.

WHAT THE...

OH, MY GOD,

HE'S GOT MY GUN AND BADGE.

GO GET HIM!

[girl exclaiming]

GET IN! GET IN THE CAR.

[Lisa screaming]

(Tori)

MY GOD, I NEED A CIGARETTE!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

WHAT DO WE DO?

WE FOLLOW THEM.

BUT WE CAN'T

BLOW OUR COVER.

GIVE ME BACK MY BAG!

OH, MAN.

I'M GONNA RIP

YOUR HEAD OFF.

[cyclist exclaiming]

YOUR ASS IS MINE!

WHAT IS THIS GIRL,

A TRACK STAR?

[grunting]

OH, JEEZ.

YOU MESSED WITH

THE WRONG BLONDE TODAY, PAL.

[growling]

[tires screeching]

[cars honking]

[Kevin grunting]

OW!

HOLY CHRIST!

(Kevin)

NOW I'M PISSED.

I THINK

SHE'S BIONIC, DUDE.

[brakes squealing]

[girls screaming]

YOUR ASS IS MINE NOW!

HOLY SMOKES!

YEAH!

THAT WAS NICE.

JEEZ, LADY.

ALL THAT FOR A BAG?

IT'S NOT JUST A BAG.

IT'S PRADA.

[girls cheering]

(Lisa)

IT WAS LIKE A REALITY SHOW!

IT WAS SO COOL!

♪[The Four Seasons

by Vivaldi playing]

[chattering]

[thudding]

[cutlery rattling]

(bus boy)

RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

NICE GOING, TORI.

WAY TO GET US SAT

AT THE LOSERS' TABLE.

I THOUGHT YOU HAD IT

ALL HOOKED UP.

EXCUSE ME.

I DO HAVE THE HOOK-UP.

DON'T BLAME ME.

BLAME LITTLE MISS

DEF JAM OVER HERE

WHO HAD TO GO, "YO' MAMA"

ON THE VANDERGELDS.

WE COULD BE

FINISHED IN THIS TOWN.

SOMEBODY HAD TO

STAND UP TO THOSE GUYS.

HEY, THEY'RE

THE "IT" GIRLS.

THAT'S THE WAY

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN.

WHATEVER.

HONEY, QUICK.

GIVE ME A PAT.

NO, A POWDER

FOR MY NOSE. QUICK.

OH.

THANKS.

OK.

[laughing]

NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

HI, HEATH.

KAREN, HEY.

SO,

I TRIED TO CALL YOU,

BUT YOUR NUMBER CHANGED?

YEAH, I KNOW.

I--I CHANGED IT.

WELL...

ANYWAY, SO,

I WAS JUST WONDERING

IF MAYBE

LATER WE COULD,

UM--

UH, HELLO. WHERE HAVE

YOU BEEN ALL NIGHT?

I'VE BEEN LOOKING

ALL OVER FOR-- EW.

WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER?

CLEAN IT UP, COKE WHORE.

DO YOU HAVE

ANY MORE OF THAT?

WELL, DON'T HATE ME

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T ME.

(Heather)

CAN I HAVE

YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

GENTLEMEN,

GET OUT YOUR WALLETS

BECAUSE YOU'LL BE

BIDDING ON A DATE

WITH SOME OF HAMPTONS'

MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELORETTES.

FIRST UP, YOURS TRULY.

HMM.

WHO WANTS TO

START THE BIDDING?

UH, $500.

$500.

OK. DO I HEAR $1,000?

(man)

$1000.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE ALL

ON THE VANDERGELDS' D-LIST.

IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?

OH, NO. HAVE A SEAT.

(Heather)

$1,000. ANYONE

WISH TO GO HIGHER?

(man)

$1500.

OK.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

I MEAN, THEY'RE ACTUALLY

AUCTIONING OFF WOMEN.

WOULD YOU EVER DO

ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

(man) $1800.

WELL, IT'S, UH,

IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

BESIDES, BEING WINED

AND DINED BY A RICH GUY

MIGHT BE NICE.

OH. I SEE,

SO YOU LIKE RICH GUYS, HUH?

I MEAN, IT MIGHT BE

A PLEASANT CHANGE FROM ALL

THE LOSERS THAT ASK ME OUT.

(man)

$3,000.

THAT'S GOOD.

I SEE.

BUT I THINK THAT

WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.

$20,000.

SOLD!

$20,000!

THAT IS A NEW RECORD.

[applause]

SHE DID VERY GOOD.

NEXT TO BE AUCTIONED IS

TIFFANY WILSON.

OH, THAT'S YOU.

IT'S YOU.

ME? OH, GREAT.

YOU BETTER DO SOMETHING.

EXCUSE ME, HONEY. I-I-I'LL

BE RIGHT BACK, OK?

OOH.

WHO WANTS TO

START THE BIDDING?

$4.

[all laughing]

$4. DO I HEAR $5?

[all laughing]

$1,000.

$1,000. DOES ANYONE

WISH TO GO HIGHER?

YEAH, I GOT $2,000

RIGHT HERE.

OW!

$3,000.

$5,000.

WHO SAID THAT?

HEY.

OK.

$5,000 TO THE DIRTY GEEZER

IN THE BACK.

I'M SURE NO ONE'S GONNA WISH

TO GO HIGHER THAN THAT,

SO WE CAN JUST BE

DONE WITH IT NOW.

$10,000.

$20,000.

[exclaims]

$20,000!

GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE--

$50,000...

CASH!

[all cheering]

WHOA! $50,000!

FINE!

SOLD!

[gasps]

TO THE BIG BLACK GUY

RIGHT THERE.

STEP RIGHT UP

AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE.

YES.

WHOO-HOO!

AH! NO.

I DON'T WANT TO GO

ON A DATE WITH BUFF DADDY.

COME HERE, BABY.

[all cheering]

[inaudible]

[Marcus groaning]

DUDE, MY FEET

ARE KILLIN' ME.

AND ON TOP OF THAT,

THAT G-STRING

GAVE ME DIAPER RASH.

HOW LONG WE GOT

TO DO THIS, MAN?

JUST A COUPLE MORE DAYS.

I DON'T HAVE

A COUPLE OF MORE DAYS.

DO YOU KNOW WHO MY WIFE IS?

HERE, LISTEN TO THIS MESSAGE.

SHE'S LOSING HER MIND.

[Gina ranting]

AND YOU DON'T WANT

TO HEAR THE REST.

LOOK, BY THE END

OF THE WEEKEND,

WE'LL BE HEROES

AND ALL WILL BE FORGIVEN.

ALL RIGHT.

[knocking on door]

(Marcus)

YOU ORDER ROOM SERVICE?

NO.

[knocking continues]

WHO IS IT?

[knocking continues]

(all)

HI!

DAMN! THESE GIRLS WON'T QUIT.

(Karen)

BRITT!

UM,

WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

WE'RE COMING. HANG ON.

(all)

TIFF!

OPEN UP!

OPEN.

ONE SECOND.

WE-WE'LL--WE'LL

BE RIGHT THERE.

HANG ON.

THE ICE CREAM'S MELTING!

HOLD TIGHT, GIRLS!

UM, WE'RE JUST, UM,

SHAVING OUR FEET, OK?

AND--AND BRAIDING

OUR VAGINAS!

OK.

(all)

HI!

WHAT, DID YOU GUYS FORGET?

IT'S YOUR TURN

TO HOST THE SLUMBER PARTY.

[all cheering]

OK, YOU GUYS.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN

WHEN A GUY IS IN

A REALLY BAD RELATIONSHIP

AND IT'S REALLY, REALLY

OBVIOUS THAT HE WANTS

TO BE WITH YOU,

BUT HE JUST CAN'T

SEEM TO BREAK UP

WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND?

IT MEANS YOU'RE

A TOTAL BOOTY CALL.

OH, MY GOD! BRITTANY!

WELL, YOU WERE

THINKING IT.

WELL, YOU SAID IT.

YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES YOU SOUND

JUST LIKE A MAN.

SO I'VE BEEN TOLD.

[giggling]

WHAT SHE MEANS

TO SAY, HONEY,

IS MAYBE YOU'RE JUST

MAKING YOURSELF

JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO,

LIKE, AVAILABLE, YOU KNOW?

OH, COME ON, YOU GUYS.

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU

HAVEN'T DONE IT BEFORE.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS

WHEN YOU REALLY

CARE ABOUT SOMEONE.

I MEAN, YOU CALL THEM

ALL DAY LONG

BECAUSE YOU JUST WANNA

KNOW HOW THEIR DAY

IS GOING, YOU KNOW,

AND--AND WHAT

THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT,

AND IF THEY'RE

THINKING ABOUT YOU.

YOU SPEND ALL DAY TRYING

TO FIND THE PERFECT OUTFIT.

YOU EVEN CHANGE

YOUR HAIRSTYLE

JUST SO HE'LL

TAKE A SECOND LOOK.

BUT THEY NEVER NOTICE.

SOMETIMES I JUST WISH

THAT THEY COULD

TRADE PLACES WITH US

SO THAT THEY WOULD KNOW

HOW IT FEELS. YOU KNOW?

OH, MY GOD, LOOK.

IT'S MEGAN'S COMMERCIAL.

I WON'T LET

GENITAL HERPES

SLOW ME DOWN.

THAT'S WHY I USE VALTRUM.

HEY. YOU WANNA

PLAY WITH ME?

SURE.

I WON'T TELL IF YOU WON'T.

SHH.

I SO COULD HAVE DONE THAT PART.

SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HERPES.

UHH.

ALL DONE.

REALLY?

YEAH.

OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS SO COOL.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I THINK YOU MIGHT

HAVE BEEN BLACK

IN A PREVIOUS LIFE.

FO' SHIZZLE,

MY NIZZLE.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

ENOUGH OF THIS GIRL'S TALK,

LADIES.

IT'S TIME FOR SOME REAL FUN.

[all squealing]

HO HO HO HO, YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

COME ON, SHOW US

SOME OF YOUR SKILLS.

YEAH, TOTALLY.

LEARN SOME OF YOUR SKILLS.

HOT POTATO!

WELL, ACTUALLY, UH--

GO FOR IT, SIS.

TIFFANY'S THE EXPERT.

YEAH, BUT YOU

MADE THE VIDEO.

AHH!

[giggling]

COM ON, SHOW US!

(chanting)

SHOW US! SHOW US! SHOW US!

SHOW US! SHOW US!

SHOW US! SHOW US!

OKAY.

UM...ALL RIGHT.

YOU SEE, THE FIRST THING

YOU DO IS,

YOU GOTTA...GRAB THE THING HERE.

NOT TOO TIGHT,

OR YOU'LL GET CALLUSES.

OKAY? THEN YOU WANT TO

LOOK THAT LITTLE SUCKER

IN THE EYE...

AND GO...

"COME HERE! COME HERE,

LITTLE GUY!

"COME HERE,

LITTLE EARTHWORM, YOU!

COME HERE. YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?"

I LEARNED THAT

FROM MY ESKIMO PORN.

"COME HERE. YEAH. OHH. YEAH."

AND THEN I'M'A TEACH YOU GUYS

THE DEEP THROAT.

YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE

THE PASSAGE IS CLEAR

ALL THE WAY

FROM YOUR THROAT

TO YOUR CHIN,

AND YOU WANT TO

PLACE THE THING HERE.

AND YOU JUST WANT TO...

"OH, YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?

"OH, YEAH, YOU LITTLE FREAK.

COOCHIE-COOCHIE-COO!"

GUYS LIKE THAT?

THEY LOVE IT.

AND ANOTHER THING THEY LOVE

IS THIS...

OH, THEY LOVE-- OH! OH, YEAH.

"OH, YOU LIKE IT, HUH?"

CALL THAT THE HEADBANGER.

OH. OH, YES.

DON'T YOU EVER...

PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH?

NEVER!

NEVER PUT IT IN THE MOUTH!

THAT'S EIGHTIES.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO OUT

AND BUY A TRANS-AM.

OKAY, WAIT. I'M READY,

I THINK I CAN DO IT.

GOOD CATCH.

OKAY. AHEM.

SO YOU TAKE THE THING,

AND YOU GRAB IT,

YOU GRAB IT, BUT GENTLE,

NOT TO GET CALLUSES.

OKAY, AND THEN

YOU LOOK HIM DEAD IN THE EYE

AND YOU SAY,

(baby talk) "GOOD BOY."

YOU'RE SCARING ME.

AND THEN COMES THE HEADBANGER.

YEAH. YEAH. TAP. TAP. TAP.

[laughing]

WELL DONE!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

I GOT ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU.

CARMEN ELECTRA

OR PAM ANDERSON?

[chuckles]

EASY.

BUT THEY BOTH GOT

A YEAST INFECTION.

NOW THAT'S--THAT'S TOUGH.

UH...

UH...

I'M GOING TO GO

WITH PAM ANDERSON.

YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

WHAT?

THEY GOT A YEAST INFECTION.

WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

(agent)

HEY, GOMEZ. WE GOT

A COUPLE OF BOGEYS.

NO TIME.

OH, COME ON--

IT'S PAM ANDERSON.

LIKE YOU CARE?

RUN THEIR FACES.

LET'S GO.

(man #1)

BRITTANY WILSON?

YEAH, THAT'S ME.

LET'S GET HER.

[men grunting]

PUT THE BLINDFOLD

ON HER!

DAMN,

THIS GIRL'S STRONG.

COME ON, GET HER.

WHO YOU WORK FOR?

INTIMATE FANTASIES!

OH, MY GOD.

YOU NEED HELP?

BRITTANY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THOSE ARE THE STRIPPERS,

RAOUL AND TITO.

STRIPPERS?

I THOUGHT THEY WERE

GOING TO KIDNAP ME.

THAT'S PART

OF THEIR ROUTINE.

OH, MY GOD! I AM SO SORRY.

HOTEL SECURITY!

IS EVERYTHING

ALL RIGHT HERE?

EVERYTHING IS FINE.

JUST A LITTLE CASE

OF P.M.S., THAT'S ALL.

I'M JUST ONE BIG,

EMOTIONAL WRECK.

COULD YOU GUYS GO

GET ME SOME MIDOL

AND A SNICKERS? RIGHT NOW?

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

MY ASS IS FAT.

DON'T LOOK AT MY ASS.

THIS IS HARPER.

IT'S ALL CLEAR.

♪[This Love

by Maroon 5 playing]

♪ THIS LOVE HAS TAKEN

ITS TOLL ON ME ♪

♪ SHE SAID GOODBYE ♪

OK, LADIES.

LET'S FOCUS.

WE HAVE TO FIND

THE PERFECT SPOT.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT

THESE STARVING KIDS IN AFRICA?

WHEN I SEE THEM

I JUST WANT TO CRY.

I MEAN...

WHY CAN'T I BE THAT SKINNY?

IT'S OKAY, MEGAN.

JUST THINK:

THEY CAN'T WEAR BELLY RINGS

WITH THOSE BLOATED TUMMIES

OF THEIRS.

THAT'S TRUE.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

[both giggle]

SKANK ALERT.

[all chattering]

OH, MY GOD, GIRLS.

I TOTALLY FORGOT

MY SUNTAN LOTION.

I'M GONNA, LIKE, GO GET

SOME SUNTAN LOTION.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WAIT, BRITT...

HEY, RUSS.

[inaudible]

[all cheering]

HEY, BRO. GO LONG.

I GOT A PLAN. GO, GO, GO.

[all screaming]

[both laughing]

[in male voice]

HEY, YO! YOU DO THAT AGAIN,

I'M GOING TO BUST--

[in female voice]

I'M GONNA BUST OUT IN TEARS.

[crying]

OH, MY GOD.

INBREDS!

YOU'RE A JERK!

[girls yelling]

(Russ)

MY BAD, SWEETHEART.

OVER HERE.

DON'T HURT YOURSELF.

DON'T WORRY, I WON'T.

SORRY. BETTER LAY OFF

THE SPINACH.

[laughing]

OOH. YEAH.

TONY. LET'S GO HUNTING.

I AM SO GLAD

I GOT WAXED TODAY.

ME TOO.

WHAT DID YOU GET?

THE BALD

EAGLE.

I GOT THE BERMUDA

TRIANGLE.

THE LANDING

STRIP.

I GOT THE BUCKWHEAT.

EW!

DISGUSTING.

AH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL,

SUNNY DAY.

[sighing]

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SUN?

[gasps]

EASY, WHITE CHOCOLATE.

I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO MELT.

YEAH. HASTA LA VISTA,

SCHWARZENEGRO.

BYE.

[seagulls squawking]

[people chattering]

HEY, KIDS!

YOU GUYS

WANT TO MAKE 5 BUCKS?

(both)

YEAH! SURE!

OK, HERE'S WHAT

I WANT YOU TO DO.

YEAH, UH,

I'LL TAKE THE USUAL.

PUT IT ON MY TAB.

HEY, LATRELL SPENCER!

COULD WE HAVE

YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

SURE, LITTLE BUDDY.

THANKS.

YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

HEY, THAT'S WHAT

I DO, BABY.

[Kevin laughing]

(boy #2)

OH, SWEET!

HERE YOU GO.

NICE!

AND, UH, HEY,

STAY IN SCHOOL.

(boys)

OK, WE WILL!

WOW! YOU MUST BE

PRETTY GOOD.

AH, I'M ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I FEEL

I SHOULD BE PAYIN' THEM

TO TAKE MY AUTOGRAPH.

I'M SORRY,

I DIDN'T EVEN GET YOUR NAME.

LATRELL.

LA-LATRELL SPENCER.

AND--AND YOU ARE?

DENISE PORTER.

DENISE.

DENISE PORTER. YEAH.

YOU KNOW,

YOU LOOK SO FAMILIAR.

I FEEL LIKE

I'VE SEEN YOU SOMEWHERE.

UH, NO, NO.

I MEAN, I--I PLAY PRO BALL.

MAYBE YOU'VE SEEN

ONE OF MY GAMES.

NO. BUT I MEAN IF I DID,

I'M SURE I WOULD'VE

DEFINITELY REMEMBERED YOU.

OK, WELL. LOOK, DENISE,

UM, I DON'T MEAN TO BE

TOO FORWARD OR ANYTHING,

BUT I'M HERE IN TOWN,

YOU KNOW, CHECKIN' OUT

SOME REAL ESTATE, AND--

OH, WHEREABOUTS?

WELL, YOU KNOW,

UP AROUND O-OVER THERE.

IN MONTAUK?

WELL, MORE LIKE AROUND--

EAST HAMPTON.

OH, J-JUST ALL OVER THE PLACE.

IT'S ONE BIG BLUR.

ONE BIG BUSINESS BLUR,

AND I KINDA WANNA GET AWAY

FROM ALL THAT BUSINESS

AND HANG OUT WITH SOMEBODY

AND HAVE A REAL CONVERSATION.

SO, I WAS WONDERIN'

IF, YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY,

MAYBE WE CAN HANG OUT?

YEAH, SURE.

REALLY?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

COOL! COOL!

COOL. IT'S COOL.

UH, SO, UH,

I'LL PICK YOU UP AT ABOUT...

HMM, UH...

[chuckles]

WELL, YOU KNOW, THE JET

SHOULD BE HERE ABOUT 7:30

AND THE LIMO WILL

TAKE ABOUT A HALF A--

ABOUT 8:00? IS THAT GOOD?

UM, YEAH,

8:00 SOUNDS GREAT.

8:00 SOUNDS GOOD?

OK, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

OK.

GOODBYE.

TAKE CARE.

YES!

(both)

HEY, WHERE'S OUR 5 BUCKS?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN.

HERE YOU GO.

$5. $2.50 EACH.

HEY, YOU PROMISED

TO GIVE US $5 EACH.

STAY IN SCHOOL.

CHEAPO.

(Gina)

I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES.

I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT.

REALLY?

I DON'T WANT TO

BELIEVE THAT MARCUS

IS CHEATING ON ME.

AND I DON'T WANNA BELIEVE

MICHAEL JACKSON

KEEPS OFF CUTTIN' PIECES

OF HIS NOSE!

EXCUSE ME. UH, YOUR

CARD HAS BEEN DECLINED

FOR INSUFFICIENT FUNDS.

THE REP'S ON THE LINE.

YES, THIS IS MRS. COPELAND.

$4,000 DRESS?

AND WHERE DID I

BUY THIS DRESS?

THE HAMPTONS!

YES, I REMEMBER.

THANK YOU.

IT IS ON.

I DON'T SEE WHY I GOT

TO GO OUT WITH MANDINGO

AND HIS ANACONDA.

'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T,

YOU'RE GONNA BLOW OUR COVER.

YEAH, WELL, WHAT YOU

GONNA BE DOIN'?

ME? I'M GOIN' TO

FOLLOW UP ON A LEAD.

[TV playing]

YOU GOIN' ON A DATE.

SHE'S A REPORTER.

WHO ELSE KNOWS MORE ABOUT

THE HAMPTONS PEOPLE THAN HER?

[laughing]

ALL RIGHT,

SO I LIKE THE GIRL!

WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE

THAT'S ALWAYS TELLIN' ME

TO SETTLE DOWN.

YEAH, AND YOU SHOULD.

BUT THAT DON'T MEAN

I GOT TO GO OUT WITH

BUFFY THE WHITE GIRL SLAYER.

ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, JUST GO TO DINNER. OK?

I'M ONLY GONNA BE

A COUPLE OF HOURS,

AND I'LL MEET YOU

BACK AT THE CLUB.

YOU PROMISE?

I PROMISE.

I'M SERIOUS, DUDE. PROMISE.

I DO. I'M SERIOUS.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, TELL LATRELL

IF HE NEEDS A COMDOM,

THERE'S AN EXTRA

SHOWER CURTAIN

IN THE BATHROOM.

AH, HOP IN.

TAKE YOUR TIME. WATCH

THOSE MARSHMALLOWS.

EASE ON IN THERE, NOW.

I WON'T BITE.

UNLESS YOU ASK ME TO.

[moans]

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

[barks, growls]

GOOD BOY, BABY.

[starts engine]

HOW ABOUT WE LISTEN

TO A LITTLE BIT OF MUSIC?

♪[A Thousand Miles

by Vanessa Carlton playing]

WHAT THE...

HOW DID YOU KNOW?

I LOVE THIS SONG!

♪ MAKING MY WAY DOWNTOWN,

WALKING FAST ♪

♪ FACES PASS

AND I'M HOMEBOUND ♪

♪[Latrell humming]

♪ AND I NEED YOU ♪

♪ AND I MISS YOU ♪

♪ AND NOW I WONDER ♪

♪ IF I COULD FALL

INTO THE SKY ♪

♪ DO YOU THINK TIME

WOULD PASS ME BY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'D

WALK A THOUSAND MILES ♪

♪ IF I COULD

JUST SEE YOU ♪

♪ TONIGHT ♪

♪ AND I, I ♪

♪ DON'T WANNA LET YOU GO ♪

GOOD EVENING, MADAM.

WELCOME TO BELLA.

THANK YOU.

SHH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

I CAME TO BORROW THE CAR

AND THE KEYS TO HIS HOUSE.

ARE YOU CRAZY? IF YOU

CRASH THIS MAN'S CAR,

HE WILL KILL YOU.

I'M NOT GONNA CRASH IT.

LOOK, JUST CALL ME

BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

I'LL BRING IT BACK.

AND THEN YOU MEET ME

BACK AT THE CLUB.

OH, NO, MY BROTHER.

YOU GOT TO GET YOUR OWN.

[squealing]

HELP ME!

♪[That's Amore

by Dean Martin playing]

♪ WHEN THE MOON

HITS YOUR EYE ♪

♪ LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE ♪

♪ THAT'S AMORE ♪

THANK YOU.

♪ WHEN THE WORLD SEEMS ♪

MAY I BRING YOU

SOMETHING FROM THE BAR?

LET ME HAVE A BOTTLE

OF YOUR BEST CHAMPAGNE.

(waiter)

SIR.

♪ BELLS WILL RING ♪

AND BRING US SOME OYSTERS.

VERY GOOD, SIR.

I HAVE TO SAY,

I WAS SO EX...

EX--

I WAS HAPPY WHEN I BOUGHT YOU

AT THE AUCTION.

I MEAN, IT'S VERY RARE

I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO

BASK IN THE AMBIENCE

OF SUCH A CLASSY LADY

SUCH AS YOURSELF.

OH, MY GOD!

I AM HUMBLED BY YOUR...

THIS ATHLETE'S FOOT

IS JUST KILLING ME.

...BEAUTIFUL NATURE.

AH, THAT SMELL.

THAT'S INFECTION.

THE MOST

HIGH-CLASSNESS OF YOUR...

OH, MY GOD.

IS THAT A HANGNAIL?

UM...

CAPTIVATED BY YOUR BEAUTY.

YOUR BOUNTIFUL CURVES

REMIND ME

OF THE HILLS IN ITALY.

I'M SORRY.

YOU WERE SAYING?

THAT'S PERFECT. THANK YOU.

ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?

YES, UM,

I'LL HAVE THE CHICKEN.

WHITE MEAT ONLY.

AND FOR THE LADY,

PERHAPS A SALAD?

[chuckling]

PERHAPS NOT.

I'LL HAVE THE STEAK,

SMOTHERED IN ONIONS.

A RACK OF RIBS.

PASTA WITH EXTRA GARLIC.

FRENCH FRIES

WITH LOTS OF VINEGAR

AND A SIDE OF ONION RINGS

WITH LOTS AND LOTS

OF SAUERKRAUT.

OOH!

[sighs]

HAVE YOU EVER HAD OYSTERS?

DID YOU KNOW OYSTERS

ARE AN APHRODISIAC?

[slurping]

OH. OH.

SORRY.

MY TONGUE'S KIND OF BIG.

[engine roaring]

[tires squealing]

(Kevin)

IT'LL OPEN. HOLD IT!

I'LL PUSH. UGH.

YEAH. SEE,

THAT DID IT THERE.

JUST A LITTLE TURN, HUH?

THERE'S SO MANY

KEYS INVOLVED,

SOMETIMES IT'S HARD

TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S WHAT.

HEY, HEY...

IT'S, UH, MEI LING.

[speaking Chinese]

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'

HERE, GIRL? IT'S LATE!

COME ON, NOW.

YOU HAVE TO GO HOME.

GIRL, YOU CANNOT

STAY HERE.

THERE ARE LAWS AGAINST

THIS KIND OF WORKMANSHIP.

THEY'RE GONNA THINK

I'M RUNNING SOME KIND

OF SWEATSHOP.

THAT GIRL DOES NOT KNOW

WHEN TO GO HOME, MAN.

I'M TELLING YOU,

SHE WILL STAY HERE

AND JUST CLEAN,

CLEAN, CLEAN FOREVER.

WHEW!

WOW!

THIS IS REALLY NICE.

YEAH, THIS IS DOPE!

HUH?

DOPE SUMMER HOME

I PICKED, BOY.

WHOO!

WHO'S--WHO'S THAT?

O-OH, THE--THE--

THE BIG, BUFF...

BALD DUDE WITH THE FUR?

YEAH.

UH, THAT'S--

THAT'S MY TRAINER.

YOU HAVE YOUR TRAINER

ON YOUR WALL?

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,

FOR INSPIRATION. I--I WANT

TO LOOK LIKE THAT ONE DAY

AND--AND I--I COME IN

EVERY MORNIN'

AND I--I LOOK AT THE...

YOU EVER SEE TITANIC?

NO, I--

ME, EITHER, BUT--

YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?

YEAH, SURE. A GLASS OF WINE

WOULD BE NICE.

WINE. AH!

OK, SO I'M GONNA GET YOU

A GLASS OF WINE AND, UM...

THA-THAT'D BE IN

THE KITCHEN, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW.

THIS IS YOUR HOUSE, LATRELL.

WHO? OH, ME! LATRELL.

THAT'S RIGHT. I-I'M LATRELL.

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M GOING TO GET YOU

A BOTTLE OF MY WINE

IN MY HOUSE.

♪ IT'S MY HOUSE

AND I LIVE HERE ♪

[grunting]

DAMN, LITTLE LADY!

YOU SURE CAN PUT IT AWAY.

[laughing]

YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

VOILA!

OH, YOU HAVE A DOG.

NO, I DON'T HAVE

NO DAMN DOG.

WELL, THEN

WHOSE DOG IS THAT?

[dog growling]

[barking]

OH, SHIT.

AHH....THAT'S--THAT'S

NOT NO DOG.

THAT'S FAMILY.

HEY, COUSIN.

[blowing air]

[squeaking]

COME HERE, BOY.

[groaning]

HE LOOKS REALLY MAD!

ARE YOU OK?

YEAH, I'M FINE. HE JUST

MISSES ME, THAT'S ALL.

OK, BOY, PLAYTIME'S OVER.

LET ME UP!

[screams]

YOU WANT ME

TO GO FOR HELP?

NO, WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN.

OW! YOU SURE ARE

PLAYFUL TODAY.

YOU WANT TO GO

FOR A WALK, BOY?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

FORGET THIS!

I'M OUT OF HERE!

I DON'T WANT TO GO

ON A DATE WITH A GUY

AND HIS DOG

IS BITING HIM AND...

[panting]

[dog growling]

OH! OK, WHAT'S HE DOING NOW?

WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THAT?

DON'T PAY HIM NO MIND.

HE'S JUST GOING TO DO THAT

UNTIL HE FALLS ASLEEP.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

AH, WINE!

OH, GOD!

YOU KNOW, I, UH,

LIKE A WOMAN WITH

A LITTLE EXTRA SOMETHING.

A LITTLE CUSHION

FOR THE PUSHIN'.

I'D REALLY LOVE FOR YOU

TO COME TO ONE OF MY GAMES.

NO, THANK YOU.

I'VE SEEN YOU PLAY.

NOT IMPRESSED.

EXCUSE ME? I'M

THE HIGHEST SCORIN'

FORWARD IN THE LEAGUE!

YEAH.

BUT ALL THAT TALENT?

TOTALLY OVERSHADOWED

BY NOTHIN' BUT SCANDALS

AND PURE LAZINESS.

I MEAN, COME ON! YOU'RE

SHOOTIN' UNDER 50 PERCENT

FROM THE FREE THROW LINE, OK?

YOUR TURNOVER RATIO,

ABYSMAL.

AND ON TOP OF THAT,

YOU CAN'T SHOOT

3-POINTERS TO

SAVE YOUR LIFE. SO, UH,

SQUEEZE ME.

[sobbing]

NO ONE'S EVER CARED

LIKE THAT BEFORE.

COME HERE, BABY!

[farting]

OH, OH!

[whimpering]

OOPSIE!

I HAD A POOPSIE.

GIRL, WE GONNA

GET ALONG JUST FINE.

BACK AT YOU!

[farting]

OH!

BASK IN THE AMBIENCE!

I'M GOING TO BE SICK.

BASKING IN THE AMBIENCE!

SO, NO. I JUMP OVER

THE FENCE, FALL.

I SCRAPE MY KNEE--

GET OUT OF HERE.

I-- NO, SERIOUSLY.

LISTEN.

I SCRAPE MY KNEE,

I GET CHASED

BY THE COPS,

AND I SPEND

THE NIGHT IN JAIL.

THAT'S INSANE.

YOU DID ALL THAT

JUST TO FIND J-LO

AND BEN'S HIDEAWAY?

I CAN'T HELP IT. YOU KNOW,

INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM

IS MY PASSION.

SO HOW'D YOU END UP

WRITING PUFF PIECES

FOR THE LOCAL NEWS?

UNFORTUNATELY,

I--I MADE SOME ENEMIES,

AND ENDED UP GETTING

FIRED FROM MY LAST JOB.

WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, BELIEVE ME,

YOU DON'T WANT TO

KNOW ABOUT THAT.

LOOK, I SPENT ALL NIGHT

TALKIN' ABOUT MYSELF.

SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD

FOR A MAN TO JUST

SIT BACK AND LISTEN.

WELL, SINCE YOU

PUT IT THAT WAY.

MMM-HMM?

I DID THIS PIECE

ON WARREN VANDERGELD.

HIM AND HIS PARTNERS

TRIED TO SWINDLE A GUY.

YOU TALKIN'

ABOUT TED BURTON?

YEAH, HOW--HOW

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

I-IT WAS IN THE PAPER.

I--I READ ABOUT IT.

WELL, BUT WHAT THEY DIDN'T

REPORT IN THE PAPER

WAS THAT BURTON

WAS 10 TIMES SMARTER

THAN ALL OF THEM.

HE EMBEZZLED MILLIONS

AND STASHED IT IN

AN OFFSHORE ACCOUNT.

WHEN VANDERGELD

HEARD THE STORY

WAS GOING TO BREAK,

HE DIDN'T WANT

TO BE EMBARRASSED.

WELL, THERE GOES MY JOB.

YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE A GOOD LISTENER.

IT SEEMS LIKE YOU HAVE

THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

[phone ringing]

[cell phone ringing]

[moaning]

OH, MAN!

HELLO?

YO, KEV,

YOU GOT TO GO.

WHAT? NOW?

YEAH, NOW. WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

COME ON, MAN, CAN'T YOU

STALL HIM FOR A LITTLE WHILE?

LOOK, THIS MAN SANG TO ME,

HE TRIED TO KISS ME

AND, ON TOP OF THAT,

HE BEEN FARTING

FOR THE LAST 20 MINUTES.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE THERE

IN A MINUTE. BYE.

(Latrell)

OH, COTTONTAIL!

I'M COMIN', NIGGA!

GOMEZ, WHAT THE HELL

ARE WE LOOKING FOR?

I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHING JUST AIN'T RIGHT

ABOUT THESE GIRLS.

I'M GONNA CHECK

THE BATHROOM.

(Gomez)

FIND ANYTHING?

UH, NO. NOT--NOT YET.

[sighing]

[sniffing]

YOU'RE NOT GONNA

BELIEVE WHAT I JUST...

WHAT THE HELL

ARE YOU DOING?

SNIFFING CHICKS'

UNDERWEAR, MAN.

WHAT IS THE BIG D...

IT'S... WHAT?

THEY'RE GUYS,

AREN'T THEY?

WOW. YOU REALLY

ARE DISGUSTING.

[all chattering]

♪[music playing]

CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?

BUZZ OFF, SMALLVILLE.

OH, MY GOD,

I SO DON'T GET IT.

GUYS THINK IF THEY

BUY YOU A DRINK

IT'S A FREE TICKET

INTO YOUR PANTS.

WELL, IT'S NOT.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU LADIES?

I'LL HAVE A PANTY DROPPER.

SCREAMING ORGASM.

A SLOW, COMFORTABLE

SCREW.

A BLUE BALLS

ON THE ROCKS?

I'VE HAD THAT BEFORE.

THAT'S A GOOD DRINK.

DON'T DRINK TOO MANY.

(man)

YO, LATRELL.

WHAT'S UP?

YEAH, WHAT'S UP, MAN?

EX-EXCUSE ME, BABY.

HEY, LATRELL.

HOW YOU DOIN'?

(Heath)

LATRELL, MY MAN!

WHAT'S GOING ON,

BROTHER?

WHAT'S UP, MAN?

HEY, 2 APPLE MARTINIS.

YOU HITTIN' THAT, BRO?

THIS IS A TOUGH ONE

TO CRACK.

TIFFANY WILSON?

SHE PUTS THE X QUEEN?

[chuckling]

DROP A COUPLE OF THESE

BABIES IN HER DRINK, MAN.

HEY, HEY, YOU SURE

THIS WILL WORK?

MAN, I JUST TOOK 2 OF THEM,

AND I'M TELLING YOU,

I'M BONING SOMEONE

TONIGHT, YOU KNOW?

EXCUSE ME.

[pills clinking]

[laughing]

THAT'S FOR YOU,

MY LITTLE MIRACLE WHIP.

YOU NEED TO LOOSEN UP.

THERE YOU GO.

THAT'S FOR YOU.

OH, MY GOD!

IS THAT BRITNEY SPEARS?

WHERE?

RIGHT OVER THERE.

OH, FORGET IT,

SHE JUST LEFT.

OOPS, SHE DID IT AGAIN.

LET'S DRINK UP.

OH, LET'S DO IT.

TO THE LAST DROP.

♪[I Got That Boom Boom

by Britney Spears playing]

THAT'S GOOD.

MMM-HMM.

YOU WANNA DANCE?

YOU KNOW,

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

HERE, HOLD BABY.

LET'S GO, GIRLS.

(Kevin)

LET'S GO.

♪ SOMETHIN' TO SAY ♪

(Karen)

WHOO!

♪ WATCHING EVERY INCH

OF MY BODY ♪

YO. I FOUND OUT SOME

INTERESTING INFORMATION.

TED BURTON TURNED

THE TABLES ON VANDERGELD.

TUCKED AWAY $100 MILLION.

BEEN LIVIN' THE HIGH LIFE

EVER SINCE HE

GOT OUT OF PRISON.

THERE GOES OUR MOTIVE.

♪ I BEGIN TO DANCE

JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪

♪ TO TURN YOU ON ♪

THOSE SKANKS THINK

THAT THEY'RE HOT?

OH, LET'S SHOW THEM

WHAT SEXY REALLY IS.

♪ HURRY UP BEFORE IT'S GONE ♪

♪ I GOT THAT BOOM BOOM ♪

♪ THAT YOU WANT ♪

♪ I DON'T THINK

YOU SHOULD WAIT ♪

♪ ONE MINUTE

MIGHT BE TOO LATE ♪

[bottles clinking]

♪ I DON'T THINK

YOU SHOULD WAIT ♪

♪ ONE MINUTE

MIGHT BE TOO LATE ♪

♪ BOOM, BOOM ♪

♪ BOY YOU LOOK SO SEXY ♪

THEY WANT TO BATTLE.

LET'S GO, GIRLS.

♪ LOOK SO SEXY ♪

[all cheering]

♪[Crazy In Love

by Beyonce Knowles playing]

YOU GIRLS

WANT SOME OF THIS?

BRING IT ON, SISTERS!

OK, LET'S DO IT!

5, 6, 7, 8.

[crowd cheering]

♪ UH-OH, UH-OH,

UH-OH, OH, NO, NO ♪

♪ UH-OH, UH-OH,

UH-OH, OH, NO, NO ♪

♪ I LOOK AND STARE

SO DEEP IN YOUR EYES ♪

♪ I TOUCH ON YOU

MORE AND MORE EVERY TIME ♪

♪ WHEN YOU LEAVE,

I'M BEGGING YOU NOT TO GO ♪

♪ CALL YOUR NAME

2 OR 3 TIMES IN A ROW ♪

♪ SUCH A FUNNY THING FOR ME

TO TRY TO EXPLAIN ♪

♪ HOW I'M FEELING AND MY PRIDE

IS THE ONE TO BLAME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I KNOW

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ JUST HOW YOUR LOVE

YOUR DOING NO ONE ELSE CAN ♪

♪ GOT ME LOOKING SO CRAZY

RIGHT NOW, YOUR LOVE'S ♪

♪ GOT ME LOOKING SO CRAZY

RIGHT NOW, IN LOVE ♪

♪ GOT ME LOOKING SO CRAZY

RIGHT NOW, YOUR TOUCH ♪

♪ GOT ME LOOKING SO CRAZY

RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ GOT ME HOPING YOU'LL PAGE ME

RIGHT NOW, YOUR KISS ♪

♪ GOT ME HOPING

YOU'LL SAVE ME RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ LOOKING SO CRAZY

IN LOVE'S ♪

♪ GOT ME LOOKING,

GOT ME LOOKING

SO CRAZY IN LOVE ♪

[all cheering]

COME ON.

[cheering]

HO-HO-HO-HOLD ON,

HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

I KNOW YOU HOOKERS

DON'T THINK

THIS IS OVER WITH.

HAH!

LET'S KICK IT OLD SCHOOL.

♪[It's Tricky

by Run DMC playing]

♪ HERE WE GO! IT'S TRICKY

TO ROCK A RHYME ♪

♪ TO ROCK A RHYME

THAT'S RIGHT ON TIME ♪

♪ IT'S TRICKY ♪

♪ IT'S TRICKY, TRICKY,

TRICKY, TRICKY ♪

♪ IT'S TRICKY

TO ROCK A RHYME ♪

♪ TO ROCK A RHYME

THAT'S RIGHT ON TIME ♪

♪ IT'S TRICKY ♪

♪ TR-TR-TR-TRICKY,

TRICKY, TRICKY ♪

♪ I MET THIS LITTLE GIRLIE,

HER HAIR WAS KIND OF CURLY ♪

[crowd booing]

♪ I HAD TO LEAVE REAL EARLY ♪

THEY SUCK!

♪ ALL THEY JUST SAY

IS PLEASE ME ♪

♪ OR SPEND SOME TIME

AND ROCK A RHYME ♪

♪ I SAID

IT'S NOT THAT EASY ♪

♪ IT'S TRICKY

TO ROCK A RHYME ♪

♪ TO ROCK A RHYME

THAT'S RIGHT ON TIME ♪

YES!

♪ TRICKY, TRICKY, TRICKY ♪

[crowd screaming]

♪ IT'S TRICKY

TO ROCK A RHYME ♪

♪ TO ROCK A RHYME

THAT'S RIGHT ON TIME ♪

♪ IT'S TRICKY ♪

♪ TRICKY, TRICKY, TRICKY ♪

♪ IN NEW YORK THE PEOPLE TALK

AND TRY TO MAKE US RHYME ♪

♪ THEY REALLY HAWK,

BUT WE JUST WALK

BECAUSE WE HAVE NO TIME ♪

♪ AND IN THE CITY, IT'S A PITY

'CAUSE WE JUST CAN'T HIDE ♪

♪ TINTED WINDOWS

DON'T MEAN NOTHIN' ♪

OH, MY GOD!

♪ IT'S TRICKY

TO ROCK A RHYME ♪

♪ TO ROCK A RHYME

THAT'S RIGHT ON TIME ♪

♪ IT'S TRICKY ♪

♪ TRICKY, TRICKY

TRICKY, TRICKY ♪

WE WON! WE WON!

♪ TO ROCK A RHYME

THAT'S RIGHT ON TIME ♪

♪ IT'S TRICKY ♪

♪ TRICKY, TRICKY,

TRICKY, TRICKY, HUH! ♪

WHOO!

[all cheering]

HEATH!

HEATH!

COME ON, LET'S GO.

(Heather)

HEATH.

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

MOVE IT!

(Karen)

I NEED A DRINK.

♪[music playing]

HEY, HEY, HEY,

LATRELL, MY MAN.

SO DID IT WORK, MAN?

[panting]

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I GOT TO DANCE.

I GOT TO HIT THIS.

[whimpering]

HOLD THE DOG.

HOLD THE DOG.

[groaning]

OOH.

[growling]

LET IT OUT, HONEY.

[retching]

OH, YEAH.

NOW IT'S OUT.

[sobbing]

I PAID THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS

ON THIS OUTFIT

AND DO YOU THINK

HE EVEN NOTICED?

IT'S GOING TO BE OK.

(Karen)

LITTLE MISS VANDERGELD

WALKS IN

AND HE JUST FORGETS

ALL ABOUT ME.

OK.

LET IT OUT. LET IT OUT.

[groaning]

I WONDER

[gasps]

IF HE WOULD THINK

SHE WAS SO HOT

IF HE KNEW THAT

SHE IS BROKE.

[Karen sobbing]

VANDERGELD'S BROKE?

SHH.

WE MUSTN'T

TALK OF SUCH THINGS.

NO, NO.

I WON'T.

WE WON'T.

BUT, YES, THEY'RE BROKE.

MY FATHER EVEN HAD TO

LOAN HER FATHER MONEY

JUST SO THAT THEY

COULD KEEP THEIR HOUSE.

THEY JUST PAID US BACK.

[Karen sobbing]

YOU GUYS,

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

WE LOVE YOU, TOO.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

OH, GOD, THANK YOU.

CAN WE GET YOU SOME GUM

OR A MINT OR SOMETHING?

HEY, LITTLE GIRL.

♪[music playing]

[yelping]

REALLY? I LOVE YOU, TOO.

[whining]

MMM.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

GIVE ME HER!

SICKO. WHERE'S LATRELL?

DANCE FLOOR.

GOOD MORNING,

SNOWFLAKE.

[both screaming]

OH, MY GOD. BRITTANY!

WHAT?

WE'RE ON PAGE 6.

NO.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.

NO. NO. NO.

LOOK. "WILSON SISTERS

ROCK HAMPTONS."

[gasps]

[both screaming]

WILSONS ROCK!

WE ROCKED!

YES! YES! OH!

WAIT. WE WEREN'T

IN THE HAMPTONS

THIS WEEKEND.

(both)

OH NO! WE'VE BEEN CLONED!

HE'S GOT TO BE

AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

GIRL, WAIT A MINUTE.

ISN'T THAT

MARCUS RIGHT THERE?

THAT'S HIM, ALL RIGHT.

OLD LYING DOG!

HA! CAUGHT YOU.

(Gina)

MARCUS!

THAT SOUNDS LIKE GINA.

MARCUS!

[gasps] GINA!

SHH. DON'T ANSWER IT.

SHE'LL GO AWAY.

NO, SHE WON'T.

(Gina)

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE

UNTIL YOU OPEN THIS DOOR!

I TOLD YOU!

OK, OK, OK.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

JUST GET RID OF HER.

OK. UM, I'LL GET RID OF HER.

YOU HIDE THE STUFF.

YEAH.

HIDE THE STUFF.

(Gina)

MARCUS!

[knocking on door]

I'M NOT PLAYING

WITH YOU!

COMING, BABY!

MARCUS, WHAT IS

ALL THAT NOISE?

OH, NOTHIN'!

OK, BABY, I'M COMIN'!

MARCUS!

MARCUS.

I'M COMING.

HIDE. HIDE.

HEY, BABY! HI, BOO-BOO.

MMM.

NICE ROOM YOU GOT,

MARCUS.

HEY, BABY, WHAT YOU--

WHAT YOU DOIN' HERE?

I COULD ASK YOU

THE SAME QUESTION.

ME?

MMM-HMM.

OH, I'M ON ASSIGNMENT.

ARE YOU WEARING LIPSTICK?

OH, NO. NO, THIS IS--

THAT'S KOOL-AID.

YOU WANT SOME?

YOU KNOW, IT'S FILLED

WITH LOTS OF VITAMIN "C"

AND RIBOFLAVIN.

IS THAT A BRA?

OH, NO, THIS?

THIS--THIS IS THE NEW, UM,

NEW HOLSTERS

THEY GAVE US AT WORK.

THEY--THEY--THEY'RE

GOVERNMENT ISSUE, SEE?

YOU CAN TAKE AND PUT 2 GUNS

IN THERE AND JUST...

"FREEZE, F.B.I.!"

I KNOW SOMEBODY'S IN HERE.

BABY, NOBODY'S IN HERE.

NOBODY'S IN HERE!

SEE? NOBO-NOBODY'S IN HERE.

CHECK UNDER THE BED!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CHECK--

NO, YOU THINK

SOMEBODY IN HERE--

'CAUSE I HEARD

SOMEBODY

ON THE PHONE.

CHECK UNDER THE BED!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THAT'S WHERE EVERYBODY

ALWAYS HIDES! CHECK IT!

MARCUS!

NOBODY CAN FIT--

SEE, NOBODY HERE, RIGHT?

NOBODY THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA LOOK

IN THE BATHROOM.

WAIT! NO!

DON'T CHECK

THE BATHROOM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

DON'T CHECK

THE BATHROOM!

(Gina)

YOU DON'T WANT ME

TO CHECK THE BATHROOM!

[both arguing]

SEE? NOTHING

IN THE BATHROOM.

NOBODY IN THE BATHROOM.

NOBODY IN THE ROOM. SEE?

AND AIN'T NOBODY

BUT ME HERE.

SEE?

[panting]

YOU KNOW, BABY,

THIS GOTTA STOP!

WE CAN'T HAVE LOVE

IF WE AIN'T GOT TRUST.

I KNOW, BUT, BABY, LOOK, OK?

I WAS AT THE RESTAURANT,

AND THE CARD

WOULDN'T GO THROUGH--

(Marcus)

BABY, LISTEN.

IF WE DON'T HAVE TRUST,

WE DON'T HAVE NOTHING.

MARCUS, THIS IS

NOT ABOUT TRUST.

THIS IS ABOUT--

GINA!

[both screaming]

THERE SHE IS,

RIGHT THERE!

NOW, BABY, I CAN EXPLAIN.

I KNEW IT.

I KNOW, BUT, BABY,

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

IT'S-- BABY, IT'S NOT

WHAT YOU THINK.

(Gina)

DON'T YOU EVEN

SAY NOTHING TO ME!

...NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

I CAN EXPLAIN.

BABY, IT'S NOT

WHAT YOU THINK!

HE'S A MAN!

YOU'RE SICK!

Heath: WHOO, YEAH!

LOT OF LOVELY LADIES

HERE TODAY, BOYS.

HEY, RUSS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I, UH...

I, UM...

I FELL?

WE HAVE TO FIND THEM

AND STOP THEM

BEFORE THEY EXECUTE

THEIR EVIL PLAN.

WAIT, WHAT DO

THEY LOOK LIKE?

DUH, US!

AFTERNOON, LADIES.

THE CHIEF WOULD LIKE

TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU.

OH, MY GOD, TIFFANY.

WHAT?

THEY'RE THE MEN IN BLACK.

[gasps]

COME ON.

HEY, EASY,

PONCH AND JON.

HEY, BUDDY.

MOVE IT ALONG, PAL.

HEY, MY HAIR!

CHIEF, WE JUST GOT

CONFIRMATION THAT BURTON'S,

UH, ARRIVED AT J.F.K.

OK, I WANT HIM TRAILED.

BUT GIVE HIM PLENTY

OF ROOM. I DON'T WANT

ANYONE JUMPING THE GUN.

I WANT TO GET

THIS GUY RED-HANDED.

(Brittany)

OH, GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!

(Gomez)

LET'S GO.

(Harper)

HEY, HEY, EASY!

RIGHT THIS WAY, GIRLS.

WHAT THE HELL YOU GUYS DOING

WITH THE WILSON SISTERS?

CHIEF, THESE AREN'T

THE WILSON SISTERS.

(Harper)

NO, SIR.

CHIEF, CHIEF,

CHECK THIS OUT.

[screaming]

(Brittany)

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH, THAT'S ON THERE

PRETTY GOOD.

LET HER GO.

THAT'S--THAT--THAT'S

NOTHING, CHIEF.

HOW ABOUT...

[both screaming]

OOH.

THOSE--THOSE ARE NICE.

TH-THAT'S ENOUGH.

HEY, THAT--THAT'S ENOUGH.

CHIEF, I--I DON'T KNOW

HOW HE--HE DID THAT,

BUT YOU CAN'T FAKE THESE.

[gasping]

[screaming]

OH, MY GOD!

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

IT'S THAT BEAUTIFUL--

SAVE IT!

(Chief)

BECAUSE OF YOU, I HAD TO

SUSPEND 2 OF MY BEST AGENTS!

BUT CHIEF,

I CAN EXPLAIN.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!

YOU'RE JUST LUCKY

WE CAUGHT BURTON

BEFORE HE COULD STRIKE.

BUT BURTON IS NOT OUR GUY!

YEAH, CHIEF.

LET ME GUESS:

WOMEN'S INTUITION?

YOU'RE BOTH FIRED. TURN IN

YOUR GUNS AND YOUR BADGES.

THIS OPERATION IS OVER!

COME ON, CHIEF!

YOU CAN'T FIRE US.

I JUST DID.

[door closing]

FORGET HIM, MARCUS.

WE CAN DO THIS OURSELF.

LOOK, ALL WE GOT TO DO

IS--IS--IS--

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WE? KEVIN,

THIS AIN'T ABOUT WE.

IT'S NEVER BEEN.

IT'S ABOUT YOU.

YOU COME UP WITH

SOME STUPID IDEA

AND I'M DUMB ENOUGH

TO GO ALONG WITH IT.

AND LOOK WHERE

IT'S GOTTEN ME, KEVIN.

I JUST LOST MY WIFE

AND MY JOB BECAUSE OF YOU.

SO DON'T TELL ME ABOUT "WE"

NO MORE, ALL RIGHT?

THEY BOUGHT IT.

THE F.B.I. IS PACKING UP.

THEY'LL BE OUT OF OUR HAIR

IN A COUPLE HOURS.

WE COULD MAKE

THE GRAB TONIGHT.

YOU SURE YOU AND YOUR FRIEND

CAN, UH, GET THE JOB DONE?

WOULD I LET YOU DOWN,

MR. V.?

HEY, MAN.

I JUST WANT TO SAY SORRY.

FORGET ABOUT IT, DUDE.

NO. NO, Y-YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I-I'VE BEEN SELFISH.

A-AND I'M ALWAYS DRAGGING

YOU INTO EVERYTHING.

I NEVER EVEN ASKED WHAT IT IS

THAT YOU WANT TO DO.

I DON'T KNOW,

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT

ALWAYS HAVING YOU

AROUND, THAT JUST

MAKES ME WANT TO

STEP UP MY GAME.

I GUESS

IT'S BECAUSE I ALWAYS KNOW

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE MY BACK.

[cell phone ringing]

HELLO?

THANKS.

WHO WAS THAT?

THAT WAS JOSH.

TURNS OUT THAT

VANDERGELD'S PRINTS

WAS ALL OVER THE RANSOM NOTE.

WHAT ARE YOU--

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

CALLIN' THE CHIEF.

NO, YOU AIN'T!

YOU SAID WE COULD DO THIS

ON OUR OWN, RIGHT?

WHAT ABOUT BACKUP?

HEY, I GOT YOU,

YOU GOT ME.

THAT'S ALL

THE BACKUP WE NEED.

TRIPLE-T, K. A.

(both)

TIME TO TOTALLY KICK ASS!

♪[Let's Get It Started

by Black Eyed Peas playing]

♪ LET'S GET IT

STARTED IN HERE ♪

♪ LET'S GET IT STARTED ♪

3 GENERATIONS AT THE BUREAU,

AND I'M THE FIRST

TO GET FIRED.

MY DAD IS GONNA KILL ME!

[cell phone ringing]

YEAH? WHAT? WHO?

COPELAND!

COPELAND, YOU DICK!

YOU'VE GOT

A LOT OF NERVE, CALLING.

LOT OF NERVE.

WHERE?

[people chattering]

YOU BETTER NOT BE

WRONG ABOUT THIS.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT?

I THINK WE MIGHT BE

GETTING OUR JOBS BACK.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WE GOTTA GO.

WHAT DO YOU--

WHAT--WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GO?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

RUPAUL OR WHOOPI GOLDBERG?

HMM?

I TOLD YOU,

I'M NOT PLAYING YOUR GAMES.

AW, COME ON!

♪ LET'S GET IT STARTED ♪

♪ LET'S GET IT

STARTED IN HERE ♪

♪ WHOO-HOO ♪

♪ LETS GET,

WOO-HOO! ♪

♪ LET'S GET IT STARTED ♪

♪ LET'S GET IT

STARTED IN HERE ♪

ANY SIGN OF VANDERGELD?

I DON'T SEE HIM.

ALL RIGHT,

KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR HIM.

IF IT'S GOING DOWN,

IT'S GOING TO GO DOWN HERE.

THANK GOD!

THERE YOU ARE! I DID IT.

YOU DID WHAT?

I GOT YOU INTO

THE FASHION SHOW!

BRITTANY, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

YEAH.

WE'RE IN THE FASHION SHOW.

OH, MY GOD.

NOT IF WE DON'T GET MOVING.

COME ON, LET'S GO!

GET THE LEAD OUT, LADIES.

(Karen)

YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE YOU FORGOT.

YOU MEAN

THE WILSON SISTERS ARE IN?

AND WE'RE OUT?

I'M SORRY, LADIES.

THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

THEY'RE HOT, YOU'RE NOT!

SO DEAL WITH IT, HUH?

YOU! STRAIGHTEN UP

THAT BLOUSE RIGHT NOW!

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

WE'VE BEEN ON THAT CATWALK

EVERY SUMMER

FOR 6 YEARS STRAIGHT!

LOOK, LET'S JUST

CUT TO THE CHASE.

WHO DO WE HAVE TO

SLEEP WITH

FOR US TO GET IN THE SHOW?

OH, HONEY,

YOU'RE SO BARKING UP

THE WRONG

TREE RIGHT NOW. REALLY!

IF YOU NAIL THIS,

YOU'RE A SHOO-IN

FOR THE COVER OF

HAMPTONS MAGAZINE.

(Aubrey)

DARLINGS!

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

[Megan wailing]

MEGAN! DON'T!

THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

THEY JUST MESSED

WITH THE WRONG GIRLS!

I'VE BEEN LOOKING

EVERYWHERE FOR YOU.

CAN WE GET THE WILSON SISTERS

THEIR OUTFITS NOW, PLEASE?

(Aubrey)

GO. GO. GO!

HEY.

UH, CAN WE TALK?

OF COURSE.

LISTEN, YOU WERE INCREDIBLE

AT THE NIGHTCLUB LAST NIGHT.

THANK YOU.

INCREDIBLE.

THANKS.

AND HEATHER WILL BE LEAVING

AFTER THE PARTY TONIGHT,

AND I WAS THINKING

MAYBE YOU COULD

COME BY AROUND 2:00?

MAKE THAT 3:00 A.M.

UM...

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T THINK SO.

EXCUSE ME?

YOU THI-THINK

I'M JUST A BOOTY CALL.

WELL, I'M NOT.

AND I DESERVE

BETTER THAN THAT.

I'M TIRED OF BEING

YOUR DOORMAT.

DOORMAT?

[sighs]

HONEY,

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

YOU'RE THAT SPECIAL?

(Tori)

BASTARD.

EXCUSE ME.

ASSWIPE!

[all gasp]

YOU'RE GOING TO

REGRET THAT.

I'M SO SCARED.

OH, MY GOD! TIFFANY!

THANK YOU SO MUCH,

HONEY.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

THANKS. I JUST WISH

I DIDN'T FEEL SO CRAPPY.

OH, HONEY.

SOMETIMES A MAN

CAN'T SEE WHEN HE HAS

SOMEONE SO SPECIAL

SITTING RIGHT

IN FRONT OF HIM.

ARE YOU, LIKE,

A LESBIAN?

I BETTER GO GET CHANGED.

OK.

(male announcer)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THIS EVENING WE ARE

PROUD TO PRESENT

THE FALL COUTURE LINE,

AUBREY ALLURE.

PLEASE, TAKE YOUR SEATS.

EXCUSE ME?

YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST.

INVITATION, MY ASS!

THEY DON'T KNOW

HOW WE DO IT.

LET'S JUST BLEND.

ALL RIGHT.

♪[Move Your Feet

by Junior Senior playing]

♪ WON'T STOP, WON'T STOP

THE BEAT AND GO ♪

♪ EVERYBODY,

MOVE YOU'RE FEET,

AND FEEL UNITED ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ EVERYBODY, MOVE YOUR FEET

AND FEEL UNITED ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

GO! GET GOING!

MOVE IT!

AUBREY! AUBREY!

[shrieking]

DIDN'T WE JUST HAVE

THIS CONVERSATION?

CAN WE GET THESE

FANTASTIC SUPERMODELS

BACK INTO THEIR

DRESSING ROOMS?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

[crowd cheering]

♪ I C-C-CAN'T

CONTROL THE FEET ♪

♪ P-P-PEOPLE IN THE STREETS ♪

♪ COME ON, EVERYBODY,

MOVE YOUR FEET ♪

♪ DON'T STOP,

DON'T STOP THE BEAT ♪

♪ I CAN'T STOP,

CAN'T STOP THE BEAT ♪

♪ I WON'T STOP,

WON'T STOP THE BEAT AND GO ♪

♪ EVERYBODY,

MOVE YOUR FEET

AND FEEL UNITED ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ EVERYBODY,

MOVE YOUR FEET

AND FEEL UNITED ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

OH!

THEY CHANGED THAT QUICK!

AMAZING!

THEY CHANGED THAT QUICK!

♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪

THESE OUGHT TO GET

THE CRITICS' ATTENTION.

♪ S-S-SING MY SONG ♪

♪ Y-Y-YOU SING ALONG ♪

♪ JUST P-P-PUT MY RECORD ON ♪

♪ AND ALL OF YOUR TROUBLES

ARE DEAD AND GONE ♪

♪ DON'T STOP, DON'T STOP,

DON'T STOP THE BEAT ♪

♪ I CAN'T STOP, CAN'T STOP,

CAN'T STOP THE BEAT ♪

HUH?

♪ EVERYBODY,

MOVE YOUR FEET

AND FEEL UNITED ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

[all laughing]

♪ MOVE YOUR FEET

AND FEEL UNITED ♪

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

OK, 2ND CHANGES,

EVERYBODY!

GO! GO! GO! NOW!

THIS'LL BE

A NICE LITTLE TREAT.

♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪

[all laughing]

♪ DON'T STOP,

DON'T STOP THE BEAT ♪

♪ I CAN'T STOP,

CAN'T STOP THE BEAT ♪

[all continue laughing]

♪ EVERYBODY,

MOVE YOUR FEET ♪

MY GOD! WHAT'S HAPPENING?

♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

THAT'S NOT MINE!

(Kevin)

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

ALL RIGHT, BRO.

I'M SORRY!

OH!

[all gasp]

JUST GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

IT'LL BE OK.

[screaming]

I'M SO SORRY. OH MY GOD!

I'M SO SORRY!

I'M SO SORRY. OH!

COME HERE! I GOT YOU!

I GOT YOU! I GOT YOU!

OH! OH!

HERE WE GO. UP!

[screaming]

OH, MY GOD!

I HOPE SHE'S OK.

[whining]

I'M RUINED.

LOOKS LIKE SOME

PEOPLE JUST DON'T

KNOW WHEN TO QUIT.

COME ON, GIRLS.

HELP ME.

I GOT YOU.

[all screaming]

KAREN,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LOOK, SOMEONE HAS GOT TO

GIVE THOSE GIRLS

A TASTE

OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE.

[screaming]

[all gasp]

[both screaming]

[all gasp]

SO REVOLUTIONARY!

IT'S SO BOLD AND SO...

SO BRILLIANT!

[both screaming]

YES!

YES!

NO! EVERYBODY,

THEY'RE IMPOSTORS!

[all gasp]

(woman)

OH, MY GOD!

HIT THE LIGHTS.

♪[music playing]

MARCUS!

BRITTANY!

WHERE'S BRITTANY?

[all cheering]

BRITTANY!

WHERE ARE YOU?

BRITTANY!

TIFFANY!

GET DOWN!

[crowd screaming]

[grunting]

I TOLD YOU

YOU WERE GOING

TO REGRET IT.

YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH!

COME ON.

[screaming]

YOU RUN AND I'LL SHOOT YOU.

COME ON. COME ON.

[grunting]

MY TURN.

MAMA?

[yelling]

GIRL, WE GONNA

NEED SOME BACKUP.

KEISHA? HEY!

GIRL, CALL NAYNAY

AND LAQUANDA.

TELL THEM TO

BRING THE VASELINE

AND THE STRAIGHT RAZORS.

THESE BITCHES

ON SOME OTHER SHIT!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

DON'T TOUCH MY DRESS!

VANDERGELD'S GOT TIFFANY!

WHAT? NO ONE MESSES

WITH MY QUEEN!

MARCUS! ARE YOU OK?

NO.

WHAT'S WRONG?

THESE DAMN G-STRINGS

ARE KILLING ME!

[groaning]

(Harper)

FREEZE!

F.B.I.

YOU GUYS

TAKE CARE OF THOSE TWO.

WE'RE GOING

AFTER VANDERGELD.

COPELAND!

YOU'RE GOING TO NEED THIS.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

[women screaming]

F.B.I.! FREEZE!

(Heather)

DADDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HEATHER, WHY DON'T YOU

TAKE YOUR MOTHER

AND YOUR SISTER

AND GO ON HOME?

DADDY, WHY ARE YOU

DOING THIS?

DADDY DIDN'T TELL YOU?

HE'S BROKE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BROKE?

LIKE MARTHA STEWART BROKE

OR M.C. HAMMER BROKE?

M.C. HAMMER BROKE!

[screaming]

NO!

I'VE BEEN FUNNELING MONEY

OUT OF THE CHARITY

INTO A PRIVATE ACCOUNT,

JUST TO GET US BY!

ARE YOU FILMING THIS?

ARE YOU FILMING THIS?

I'LL GIVE YOU

SOMETHING TO SHOOT!

[all screaming]

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

I CAN'T DO THAT.

[yelling]

NO!

DROP IT!

[all screaming]

I GOT YOU, MAN.

HEY, WE'RE GONNA GET

THAT STAIN OUT.

DON'T EVEN WORRY.

[screaming]

DON'T MOVE!

WARREN VANDERGELD,

YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!

HEY, I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU,

I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DID.

THAT WAS

REAL BRAVE OF YOU.

I HAD NO CHOICE.

I COULDN'T LET THEM TAKE

MY ONE TRUE LOVE AWAY.

[laughs]

HEY, DUDE. I AIN'T

WHAT YOU THINK I AM.

BABY, WE ALL GOT SECRETS.

THAT'S OK.

ARE YOU TELLING ME

THAT YOU ARE NOT...

YEAH. I'M NOT A WOMAN.

WHITE?

OH, THE DECEPTION!

THE BETRAYAL, MAN!

YOU DECEIVED ME!

CALM DOWN.

I'M A F.B.I. AGENT.

I WAS UNCOVERING A S--

NEGRO, PLEASE!

DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL YOU

THIS WAS AN ALL-WHITE

PARTY, HUH?

SOMEONE GET THIS

JIGABOO AWAY FROM ME!

ARE YOU OK?

YES, I'M FINE.

THANK YOU.

SO, DO I GET TO

SEE MY KNIGHT

IN SHINING ARMOR?

WELL...

GET A LEG!

[grunting]

GET OFF ME!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M GOING TO LET YOU HAVE IT!

YOU AIN'T NEVER

MET NOBODY LIKE ME!

IT'S ME!

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU

MESSING WITH! MY NAME'S GINA!

IT'S ME!

IT'S ME. IT'S ME.

[all gasp]

KEVIN?

LATRELL?

(Marcus)

GINA!

MARCUS?

OH, THIS IS SOME

JERRY SPRINGER SHIT!

[police radio chattering]

(Chief)

ONCE AGAIN, YOU GUYS

MANAGED TO DO EVERYTHING

I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO.

YOU CAUSED OVER

$250,000 WORTH OF DAMAGE.

2 PEOPLE WERE SHOT.

BUT AT LEAST YOU, UH, GOT

THE RIGHT GUY. GOOD WORK.

THANKS A LOT, CHIEF.

BUT WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT

WITHOUT GOMEZ AND HARPER.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU ALL

IN THE OFFICE TOMORROW.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, GOOD WORK, GUYS.

WHO WILL BE FEATURED

ON THE COVER

OF HAMPTONS MAGAZINE?

ALL RIGHT, I GOT

TO GO TAKE CARE

OF SOME BUSINESS. UM...

SEE YOU GUYS ON MONDAY.

SO, WHO DO YOU THINK

WORE THOSE PANTIES

YOU WERE SNIFFING?

KEVIN OR MARCUS?

GOMEZ, I TOLD YOU.

I WAS LOOKING FOR D.N.A.

OH, YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU

LAUGHING AT, "DENZEL"?

[in high-pitched voice]

"OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL

CHOCOLATE MAN!"

YOU GUYS GOT

SOME WORK TO DO?

I'M DENISE PORTER.

GOOD NIGHT.

DENISE.

HI.

I'M KEVIN COPELAND.

I'M AN F.B.I. AGENT.

I MAKE $30,000,

A YEAR AFTER TAXES.

I DON'T DRIVE A BENTLEY,

AND I DON'T HAVE

A HOUSE ON A HILL.

BUT I'D REALLY, REALLY,

REALLY LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

ANY MAN

WHO WOULD JUMP IN FRONT

OF A BULLET FOR ME

CAN DEFINITELY

TAKE ME ON A DATE.

BABY?

COME ON, GIRL, LET'S GO.

WAIT, COULD I JUST PLEASE--

MARCUS, I HAVE NOTHING

MORE TO SAY TO YOU.

I KNOW.

JUST LISTEN TO ME, PLEASE.

GINA, I--I LIED TO YOU,

I'VE HID THINGS FROM YOU,

BUT I HAVE NEVER

CHEATED ON YOU.

BUT I AM GUILTY.

I'M GUILTY OF PAYING

MORE ATTENTION TO MY JOB

THAN I DO MY WIFE.

I'M GUILTY

OF NOT APPRECIATING

ALL THE LITTLE THINGS

YOU DO FOR ME.

LIKE GETTING YOUR HAIR DONE.

WEARING THAT SWEET-SMELLING

CHANEL COLOGNE I LOVE SO MUCH.

BUT MY BIGGEST CRIME

IS THAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU

I LOVED YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY.

OH! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO

LET HIM OFF THAT EASY.

WILL YOU SHUT UP?

OK.

[sighs]

I LOVE YOU.

A WHEELCHAIR?

YES, BUT THE FEELING

WILL COME BACK,

I PROMISE.

♪ MAKING MY WAY DOWNTOWN,

WALKING FAST ♪

♪ FACES PASS

AND I'M HOMEBOUND ♪

BACKUP, TONY.

♪[Tony humming]

HEY, GIRLS.

HEY.

HI.

SO YOU GUYS WERE

PRETENDING TO BE THEM

THE ENTIRE TIME?

YES, WE WERE.

BUT WE WAS ONLY

DOING OUR JOB.

I HOPE YOU GUYS AREN'T

TOO PISSED OFF AT US.

WE'RE SO BUMMED!

WE LIKED BRITTANY

AND TIFFANY, LIKE,

SO MUCH MORE

WHEN YOU WERE THEM.

SO MUCH MORE!

SO I GUESS

THIS MEANS WE WON'T BE

HANGING OUT ANYMORE?

OH, DON'T SAY THAT.

OF COURSE WE WILL.

WE'LL HANG OUT.

YEAH. WE'LL ALL

GET TOGETHER AND

WE'RE GONNA GO

(all)

SHOPPING!

♪[Hey, Ms. Wilson by

The Penfifteen Club playing]

♪ OH, MY, LOOKY THERE ♪

♪ STONE-COLD FOXY,

PLATINUM HAIR ♪

♪ SHORT SKIRT, BARELY THERE ♪

♪ MAKE A CHICK WANNA HATE,

MAKE A BOY WANNA STARE ♪

♪ WELL, MS. WILSON YOU MUST BE

WORTH A TRILLION BUCKS ♪

♪ GET THE FEELIN' THAT

YOU DON'T REALLY GIVE A ♪

♪ MS. WILSON, I LIKE THE WAY

YOU PUSH AND GLIDE ♪

♪ ROLLER SKATES ON

A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, WHOO! ♪

♪ BREEZE BY, VELVET ROPES ♪

♪ SKI THIS TOWN

LIKE A BUNNY SLOPE ♪

♪ OH, MY, THERE SHE GOES ♪

♪ A LONG MONEY GIRL

IN HER SHORT MONEY CLOTHES ♪

♪ WELL, MS. WILSON YOU MUST BE

WORTH A TRILLION BUCKS ♪

♪ WAS IT YOU WITH YOUR BUNNY

ALL UP IN THE CLUB? ♪

♪ MS. WILSON I LIKE THE WAY

YOU PUSH AND GLIDE ♪

♪ ROLLER SKATES ON

A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, COME ON ♪

♪ MS. WILSON ♪

♪[White Girls

by Mighty Casey playing]

♪ WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ SUZIE, JANET, KAREN ♪

♪ GOING THROUGH MY MIND ♪

♪ SARAH, JESS, AND JUDY TOO ♪

♪ WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ JULIE, BETH, AND SHARON ♪

♪ HELP ME UNWIND ♪

♪ THE MORE I SEE,

THE MORE I DO ♪

♪ DON'T TELL

MINISTER FARRAKHAN ♪

♪ HE DON'T WANT TO KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ WON'T GO AWAY ♪

♪ THERE'S ONE THING

I KNOW ABOUT,

AND THAT'S MISCEGENATION ♪

♪ TICKET TO RIDE,

WHITE GIRL HIGHWAY ♪

♪ TELL ALL THE WHITE GIRLS

THEY COULD SWING MY WAY ♪

♪ WHAT UP, BABY GIRL?

HOW YOU DOIN',

IS YOU SINGLE? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU EVER MESSED WITH

A LIGHT-SKINNED MANDINGO? ♪

♪ AND I COULD GIVE A DAMN WHAT

ALL MY FRIENDS SAY TO ME ♪

♪ YOU AND ME BABY COULD START

MAKING UP FOR SLAVERY ♪

♪ GIRL, I'M JUST PLAYIN',

I GOT A WHITE MOM ♪

♪ YOU GOT ANY BLACK IN YOU?

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME? ♪

♪ OH, WORD, YOU LIKE

MY SONGS THAT BE PLAYING

ON THE RADIO? ♪

♪ WELL YOU KNOW THE SINCEREST

FORM OF FLATTERY'S ♪

♪ I AIN'T A PICKY GUY

SO I REALLY DON'T CARE ♪

♪ IF YOU A HIPPY WHITE CHICK

WHO GOT UNDERARM HAIR ♪

♪ OR A GHETTO WHITE CHICK

WHO BE TRYING TO ACT BLACK ♪

♪ WITH YOUR NAME ON A CHAIN

AND YOUR HAIR SLICKED BACK ♪

♪ YOU COULD BE FROM ANYWHERE,

MAINE DOWN TO MALIBU ♪

♪ CROSS A TRAILER PARK

ON THE WAY TO PARK AVENUE ♪

♪ SEE ME WITH A BLACK GIRL

YOU GOT THE WRONG MAN ♪

♪ OR MIGHT HAVE JUST BEEN

A WHITE GIRL WITH A TAN ♪

♪ AND SISTERS DON'T GET MAD

'CAUSE I'M OUT,

WHITE CHICKS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE ALL LOOK THE SAME

WHEN YOU TURN OFF

THE LIGHT SWITCH ♪

♪ SEE BACK IN THE DAY,

I WAS GETTING NO PLAY ♪

♪ THEN I WENT

THE WHITE GIRL WAY

LIKE O. J. ♪

♪ SO YOU CAN FORNICATE,

BUT I'M SORRY O'SHEA ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I GOT MY WHITE GIRL

AND EVERYTHING'S OK ♪

♪ WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ SUZIE, JANET, KAREN ♪

♪ GOING THROUGH MY MIND ♪

♪ SARAH, JESS, AND JUDY TOO ♪

♪ WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ JULIE, BETH, AND SHARON ♪

♪ HELP ME UNWIND ♪

♪ THE MORE I SEE,

THE MORE I DO ♪

♪ DON'T TELL

MINISTER FARRAKHAN ♪

♪ HE DON'T WANT TO KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ SUZIE, JANET, KAREN ♪

♪ GOING THROUGH MY MIND ♪

♪ SARAH, JESS, AND JUDY, TOO ♪

♪ WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ JULIE, BETH, AND SHARON ♪

♪ HELP ME UNWIND ♪

♪ THE MORE I SEE,

THE MORE I DO ♪

♪ WHETHER SHORT OR TALL,

WHETHER BLONDE OR BRUNETTE ♪

♪ I AIN'T MET A WHITE GIRL

WHO I WOULDN'T DO YET ♪

♪ FOR THOSE WHO'S

GETTING FURIOUS,

PLEASE DON'T TAKE ME SERIOUS ♪

♪ I'M JUST WILIN' OUT

LIKE EDDIE MURPHY

IN DELIRIOUS ♪

♪ BUT IF YOU TOOK OFFENSE

AND YOU'RE BLACK

OR YOU'RE WHITE ♪

♪ I'M GLAD YOU DID, SUCKER,

'CAUSE YOU WAY TOO UPTIGHT ♪

♪ WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ JULIE, BETH, AND SHARON ♪

♪ HELP ME UNWIND ♪

♪ THE MORE I SEE,

THE MORE I DO ♪

♪ DON'T TELL

MINISTER FARRAKHAN ♪

♪ HE DON'T WANT TO KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ WON'T GO AWAY ♪

♪ WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ JULIE, BETH, AND SHARON ♪

♪ HELP ME UNWIND ♪

♪ THE MORE I SEE,

THE MORE I DO ♪

♪ DON'T TELL

MINISTER FARRAKHAN ♪

♪ HE DON'T WANT TO KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ WON'T GO AWAY ♪

♪ DON'T TELL

MINISTER FARRAKHAN ♪

♪ HE DON'T WANT TO KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WHITE GIRLS ♪

♪ WON'T GO AWAY ♪