White Cargo (1973) - full transcript
David Jason's most famous film appearance of the 1970's was opposite Graham Chapman in 'The Odd Job' but five years earlier he played the lead role in this very low budget comedy. His character is a daydreamer but he manages to get caught up in an adventure involving the hugely underated Imogen Hassall. There is even an appearance from a pre Darth Vader Dave Prowse although his character closer resembles the one he played in 'Callan'.
(calming music)
(ominous music)
(alarm blaring)
(dog barking)
(train horn honking)
(guns firing)
- You, yes you turn around, make it slow.
Okay little man you better start talking.
- Morning?
- A comedian!
And what are you doing out
at this time, comedian?
- Pardon?
- I said what are you
doing out at this comedian?
- I'm just taking the dog
out for a walk, actually.
- Okay little man.
But just watch it eh?
- Watch what?
- [Albert Voiceover]
Control yourself Albert,
you've had enough excitement
and danger to last
for a while anyway, but
the time has come to take
things a bit more easily, you've had a go
poking your nose in, mind
you, did very well out of it
though didn't you, what are
you now, a civil servant?
Government employee, a
position of responsibility.
Funny thing, imagination,
I reckon mine must be more
developed than anyone
else's, because I use it more
I suppose, simple as that.
Why don't things work
out as simple as they do
in comics or books?
Funny thing, life, the
solution will seem easy,
all cut and dried and them
it all gets scrunched up.
First it was the accidents, calamities.
How did it happen?
Of course now I remember
how it all started.
Oh yeah it was that
night in the front room.
(foreboding music)
I must've been about 11 or 12.
That's right, Mom and Dad
weren't there, they'd left me
with a babysitter, huh,
babysitter at my age.
Chloe, that's right, she was about 19.
She read those silly
romantic books all the time,
hah, never took any notice of me anyway.
It was after that I realised
that girls weren't just boys
with longer hair and prettier legs.
I suppose I was a bit
frightened with my imagination,
I used to sort of stand outside
and never become involved.
Just a disinterested spectator,
nah, of course what really
frightened me was the
possibility that my imagination
would get me into some sort
of trouble, and what I didn't
know was that all it
required was the right set of
circumstances and a sort of
gunpowder to trigger it off.
Something that would
turn me into Superman.
Or SuperAlbert.
And I didn't know that this
gunpowder would prove to be,
well, an everyday commodity.
(guns firing)
It happened that morning,
a challenge came through
the letterbox, one of the chosen few.
Maybe the only one?
Well the only one in this
street anyway, nobody else
I knew fitted that description, virile.
What a marvellous word, there
was a ticket with the circular
for a place called The Red Mill.
The area wasn't quite the place I thought
a gentleman's club would be.
Well there seemed to be an
awful lot of funny places around
and all those girls, wonder
where they came from,
or go to for that matter, lots
of strange people about too,
I didn't know then that
there were two men sitting
at a nearby bar planning
an investigation connected
with the place that I
had a free ticket too.
Really it was their last
chance, they were the champion
bunglers of the civil service,
supposed to be inconspicuous.
With bowler hats in Soho?
- Good afternoon Mr. Parks.
(anticipatory music)
- Oh, oh I'm sorry I'm late boss.
- [Man] Oh, have I come
to the right place?
I was told to come out here.
- Dude, listen to that,
they're gonna lynch him
one of these days.
- He's a very intelligent
boy who will go far.
- Right, they chucked him
right through these doors
yesterday, that's about
as far as he's gonna go,
right on his head!
- I've told him to use
the cloche I gave him.
He won't listen, just won't
beat up a member of the audience
there's the old school boy, if
he wasn't the wife's brother.
- [Man] Hello sir, do come in.
- No sir, just, I'm just looking.
- Ah faint heart ne'er
went over naked ladies,
it's cold outside, come right through.
- Good afternoon sir,
and welcome to the famous
Red Mill Club, no need to
be shy sir, do stand up.
- I am standing up.
- Yeah well it certainly
tells me you must've received
one of our, oh yes,
you'll like it here son.
There's a lot of fine gentlemen
like yourself in there.
- Oh really.
- Oi, 50 pence.
- Oh...
- So what do they call him?
- Just a minute, it says
welcome to Woburn Abbey on this.
- We have a large organisation.
I'm off, gotta get the
next consignment ready.
- Mr. and Mrs. Ass,
(mumbling), but it was in July,
so when they arrived, Mr. and
Mrs. Ass, they called their,
oh no sir, I'm afraid you
will have to find a seat,
unless you want to come up on the stage
and take off all your clothes?
(hollering)
You'll love them dear, I had
them eating out of my hand.
- How many fingers you've got left?
- Oh, one...
(swanky music)
(applauding)
(anticipatory music)
- Thank you, you're fantastic.
(applauding)
(swanky music)
- [Albert] Oh, I'm sorry
I didn't mean to get your,
uhm, oh I'm sorry!
- Harry!
(hollering)
(whistling)
(applauding)
- Well?
- Fine, thanks.
- Don't look at me, has he come back yet?
- Don't know I'm not looking!
- Where's your standard issue mirror,
(mumbling) sneaking for?
- Hanging in your bathroom up.
- Oh yes.
- Where's yours?
- In your wife's compact.
- So that's why?
- Exactly!
- Ah you're hurting me!
- Peanut?
- Action stations!
- You brute!
Are you all right?
- No.
- If I catch you going through
the boss' desk again Stella,
I'll have your guts for garters.
- Thanks for your help,
but I wish you hadn't.
Oh come on, you're in a hell of a mess,
we'd better get you cleaned up.
- No thanks, that's very nice
of you, no, I'll be all right.
No, I really will, thank you very much.
- Harry you are rotten.
- What's that love?
- I wish you wouldn't do those blokes over
in the middle of my act,
what it must've looked like,
I dread to think.
- Well sorry that bloke was
making himself a nuisance
back there.
- Suppose there had
been someone out there,
fat chance I had ever been discovered.
- Sorry.
- You don't think!
- Think, think?
- What's all the ruckus about Harry?
- Well it's Desiree, she's upset.
- Oh for, I mean the
little guy and Stella.
- Oh I caught Stella going
through your desk back there,
didn't take nothing though.
- Well I never keep money
there, you know that
and so should she, let's
have a look at that desk.
Go and put some clothes on,
you'll catch a death of cold
or something.
- Do you know what I think?
- No.
- That must be the girl.
- What, that one in the club?
- I beg your pardon, oh yes.
You know what had me fooled?
- Well the enormous uh--
- Exactly the enormous confidence.
- Yes, there's that too.
- Why is she doing this?
- Well perhaps at heart she's
just a level below show-off.
- Are we talking about the same girl?
- No, I don't think we are.
- That girl, you numbskull.
(mumbling)
- Oh yummy.
- Oh yes.
- Fosdyke?
- Yes Chumley?
- The book.
- Precisely, the book.
- Come on, come on!
- Come on in.
What you say your name was?
- Albert, Albert Toddey.
- Well the bedroom's in there Albert.
- Is it?
- Yes, go and take your clothes
off and I'll be with you
in a second, tea or coffee.
- Uh tea, please.
- Here you, the bedroom.
You heard me, Mister, the bedroom, fast!
Oh Albert, you didn't
think I was talking to you.
- Well, yes.
- Have you got a dog?
- Uhm, no.
- Well don't bother.
They're more trouble than they're worth.
Oh dear, I think I need cigarette.
Have you seen my handbag?
- Uh no I don't think that I?
Oh, sorry.
- Would you like one?
- No thank you.
- Come on!
We've got to get you out of those clothes.
- What all of them?
- Yes of course.
You're soaked through, oh
Albert, you didn't imagine
that you?
- No, no, no, no.
- You've been watching too
many films, go and change
in the bedroom, wash your face
and we'll put your clothes
in the spin-dryer
- Oh, oh yes, thank you.
(swanky music)
What was happening at that club, Stella?
- Well it's a long story, something very
strange going on there.
- Strange?
- Yes, girls keep on
disappearing for one thing.
- Disappearing, where do they go?
- Well they just vanish,
working in the club one minute.
Gone the next!
It's a bit of a mystery,
they're never seen again.
- Hmm, they must all get
offers from that (mumbling).
- Perhaps.
- Stella is there
anything for me to put on.
- Yeah, but have you finished?
- No, nearly.
- There's a dressing gown
on the back of the door,
put your clothes in a
pile, and I'll collect 'em.
- All right.
(dog barking)
Hey why did that fella want your handbag?
- He wanted a book, he
didn't get it though.
- Why not?
- Yeah, that's funny.
Maybe he didn't know about the book.
- He wanted a book he didn't know about?
Well what was in it?
- Addresses, at least I think it's add...
- Well I don't think
you ought to be working
at a place where girls keep
disappearing and blokes
come out and knock you
on the head just because
they wanna borrow your address book,
why don't we go to the police?
I mean, you can't sit
here and let them get away
with it Stella, Stella?
Stella?
Stella?
(frolicking music)
Oh?
Telephone, telephone?
- I was right, it is him,
Clacton-on-Sea, 1944.
Don't you remember?
- Good day Madam.
- Good day.
- How are you?
- Not too bad.
Thank you.
- Good!
Locked yourself out love?
- [Albert] Uhm, no no it's all right,
I'm just polishing my knockers.
- [Man] Good I'll come
back and help you later.
- Yes you do that, oh my God.
- Well if the girl just ran into the flat,
who is the other girl in the car?
- I have a feeling that the
girl in the dressing gown
with the heavy makeup was in
fact, are you ready for this?
- Ready.
- The little chap at the club.
- Ready? Never!
- The little chap at the club.
There's only one way to find out.
- Oh dear.
- Disguise 47.
- Why don't we ever wear disguise 22.
- You know it doesn't suit me.
- But it's my favourite!
- Right now, let's have
a look at your knockers.
- I beg your pardon!
- [Man] Number please.
Hello, hello?
- Hello.
- Can I help you sir?
- I think Stella has been kidnapped.
- [Man] I beg your pardon sir, hello sir?
(foreboding music)
(doorbell buzzing)
- Good afternoon, Madam.
- Oh, no it's sir actually.
- [Left Man] Ha ha ha, the gas metre gov,
oh it's all right sir, I
know where it is, thank you.
- Larry?
- Yes?
- No I'm looking for Lauren's Frisbee.
- Well that's right?
- I'll do it.
- I'll do it!
I'm in charge and that's final.
- I don't know where the metre is.
- Oh I'll find it, gov.
- Look don't leave me on me own with...
- Oh sorry about this
woman's dressing gown,
I mean I don't usually walk around with...
- Well to each his own mate.
- [Albert] Excuse me, I have
to look up a telephone number.
Likely in the Yellow Pages.
- Ah there you are sir,
thank you very much,
sorry to disturb you.
- That's all right.
- Looking for a plumber mate?
- No, no, no, I'm looking for
an interpreter actually, Arab.
- Arab interpretor, well
there's a coincidence,
let me make a recommendation
sir, make a note of this.
Yes, the Eastern Import Company sir,
we use them all the
time, don't we Chumley?
- What for?
- We do don't you remember?
Here we are sir, Eastern
Import Company, South Road.
- South Road.
- West-W-3.
- West-W-3, thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
(frolicking music)
- Here now.
- Thank you.
Now, take that off it's mine!
Anyway this is our guest rag.
- Who is?
- Look this is no time to
make speeches, plan 47B.
- No!
- Pink alert!
- Really?
- Blue tiles.
- Is it that serious?
- In my opinion.
It's desperate, now I
move, you bring him to me,
and whatever you do, be forceful.
- But it's not my turn!
- Oh yes it is.
I was forceful yesterday.
- Were you, oh yeah, Thursday!
Be forceful, be forceful, be forceful...
Ah, welcome to our
friendly store, you are?
You're the wrong person.
- Yes, I'm often being mistook.
- I'm not surprised.
Just be forceful, peanut,
peanut, peanut, be forceful!
- Excuse me!
- Welcome to our friendly store,
you are the millionth customer.
- Just excuse me, yeah don't I know you?
- No, no, don't think so.
- Yeah, I thought you were on the gas?
- I thought you were on the game, you sir,
are our millionth customer,
and the manager would be
delighted if you'd come to his office,
just up this way sir.
- I was hoping to find
someone who might translate
something for me.
- Uhm, anything you want
sir, today, is your today!
Eastern Import is at your disposal.
- Yes? Ah splendid!
- Our millionth customer.
- Forgive me for not going out
by I haven't quite finished.
I'm sorry about this,
it's a temporary office,
but we find it such a convenience.
And now sir, may I extend to you on behalf
of the Eastern Import
Company, our very warmest
congratulations on being
our millionth customer.
- Oh, thank you very much
sir I'm very proud sir.
- Careful, he's easily flushed.
- And may I say, sir, I'd
like you to feel free,
to take advantage of any
of our specialised services
you feel you may need.
- Like translating?
- Ah!
- Oh I'm so sorry!
Was that your foot?
- Yes!
- I had a pain in the neck.
- Yeah well, actually I
would like some information.
- Anything.
- Just name it.
- I was hoping that somebody
could translate this for me.
(frolicking music)
(speaking foreign language)
- The Grange, Upper Woldingham.
- Ah, Grange, Upper Woldingham.
- Could I just check that
sir, we don't want to make
any mistakes doing, thank you.
(door knocking)
- Come on, come on hurry up.
- That's probably our millionth
and one customer, sir.
(toilet flushing)
- Well I'm quite satisfied, and you?
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
- Sorry.
- Saucebox!
- Wait a minute I've
lost it, who had it last?
Oh excuse me--
- Don't worry sir, that
translation is quite all right.
- Sir can I have the book back now please.
- Oh yes of course the
book, give him the book.
- I haven't got it.
- Perhaps you left it in the office sir,
why don't you go and get it.
- No, no no you had it last.
- I don't think so.
- Yes you had it.
I distinctly remember.
- No I didn't.
- It's in that pocket.
- No it isn't.
- Look!
- Oh, it is.
- That's right.
- Thank you.
- I think you ought to have
a third opinion on this sir.
Take it and get another opinion.
- Oh right.
- No, no, it's good.
(muttering)
Please let me have it!
Where is he, oh there!
- I think you'll find
something here Madam,
more to your liking, now?
- Where's the book?
- He's got it!
- Oh right, oh no!
- Yeah!
(screaming)
(anticipatory music)
- Good Lord.
- Chumley!
Why did you let him get
that book you birdbrain?
- I got carried away you sparrow legs!
- Oh come on let's get out of here.
- I say, what on earth's going on here
what are you doing with this carpet?
- Ah well we'll offer it
to you, 1,50 pound a yard,
we're having a sale, good afternoon,
we're carpet salesmen,
our part makes your party.
- Nice one sir!
- It's not bad, what is it, 50 by 40?
- 51 by 41 actually.
- It's less usual.
- It's more carpet.
- Well in that case I think
we might as well have it.
Say have you got any more?
- Yes, well would you like you one?
- Carpets.
- [Both] No, yes, no, no!
(eerie music)
- Harry switch that organ grinder off,
I'm trying to think while I
work out your commissions.
See, Jim had a day out last week.
And Louitius was fined for pimping.
Bill--
(phone ringing)
Hello, oh yes sir, yes tomorrow for sure.
Six girls as we arranged.
I don't remember saying
anything about seven.
It's not that, but listen
I've got these ready
in the cellar, six beauties.
The best yet, oh you
won't be disappointed.
Oh there's no question
of cancelling our deal,
if you want seven you shall have them.
I've never disappointed
you yet have I, yes.
And may Allah do the same on you.
(frolicking music)
Hello boys, hello girl, Harry
can I have a word with you.
Not you Desiree.
I won't keep him long dear.
Harry, something's cropped
up, I'm afraid I must ask you
to do something for me.
I have a problem and, well
you're the only person
I can turn to.
We've known each other a
long time Harry and I know
that you've always looked up
to me as if I was a father.
Why don't you sit down Harry,
there's a draught in here,
I'll close those French windows.
(phone ringing)
- Shall I answer that, guv?
- Yes, but I'm not into anyone.
No not that one, sit
over there by the desk.
- Yes, no we're not in.
- Sit down.
Harry, there comes in a time
in every man's life, Harry,
when he has to give up
something he's fond of.
Kings give up their countries,
there was that bloke
who went to the guillotine.
What I'm asking you Harry
is a far, far better thing
than you have ever done before.
What do you think of
Desiree really, Harry?
- She's all right, why?
- They want her.
And that's all there is too
it, the decision has been made.
I'd like to give you a little something,
my way of thanks, Harry,
how about a tenner?
- Oh thank you very much Mr. Parks.
- So it's all right then?
- What is?
- Giving up Desiree for
tomorrow's consignment?
- Of course it's all right.
- It is?
Well let's make it a fiver shall we,
I'm a little short at the moment.
- Thank you.
- Is the van all right for the tomorrow?
- Yes I've had a word
with Jim, and he knows
the tools are in the front
because we don't want
any more trouble like we had last time.
So I've got the rest of
the night with Desiree?
(swanky music)
- Oh Harry!
(giggling)
Oh Harry you're so impulsive.
We are still going on holiday?
- Sure.
- It won't be too hot will it?
- What one?
- Where we're going.
- Oh, well no, no.
- Will it have those funny things on it?
- What funny things?
- You know.
Coves and grottos!
- Coves and grottos?
Oh you mean the seaside.
- I don't like all that sand and hot sun.
- Would you miss me if I was to go away.
- Of course, would you miss me?
- I will.
- I don't envy all those
girls downstairs, you know,
going on that long sea
trip, oh, and those camels.
- Well then, they get treated very well.
- Are you gonna do it or am I?
- Do what?
- I have to strip every
night with bright light
in front of me, I'm not
gonna stay in bed with you
with the lights on!
(frolicking music)
- Well Harry and his
good lady have retired to
their room and I'll trust
you'll do the same boys.
- [Man] Thanks for the offer Mr. Parks,
but I'm afraid it'll be a bit crowded.
- That Louitius.
(frolicking music)
(chattering)
- Spiritual power, love.
And (mumbling) Clark
Gable kisses (mumbling).
And it fades out (mumbling).
(frolicking music)
(gasping)
- Albert!
(anticipatory music)
(groaning)
- Thank you, now untie them.
(clock striking)
(swanky music)
(frolicking music)
- [Fosdyke] There was no need
to close the door Chumley.
- I didn't close the door.
- Don't argue with me.
- [Chumley] I didn't.
- Now go and see if
he's around the corner.
(frolicking music)
Good evening.
- Good evening.
- [Both] We are with the
Census Office in this area,
and we have to inform you
that are required by law!
- Excuse me.
- Granted, to--
- We can't both do it, can we?
- No exactly!
- [Both] To complete this
official statement...
- Excuse me.
To complete this official
statement as to the number
of persons--
- In this habitation as
of midnight, tonight.
- Did you have to come at midnight?
- Oh is it really that late?
- No, it's mid-afternoon and
there's an eclipse of the sun.
- Really?
- Come in.
(frolicking music)
There you are gentlemen,
I'm sorry to hurry you,
but I'm rather tired.
- Well personally, I'm not surprised, oh.
(frolicking music)
(giggling)
A very impressive list, Mr. Parks.
- I'm so glad you think
so, good night gentlemen.
- Just think, all these famous
people in this house here
tonight.
- What famous people?
- Look, Miss A. Welsh.
M. Brando.
- Look, F. Flintstone!
- [Both] Tom and...
- My second sense tells me something.
- What's that?
- Things are not what
they should be, Chummers.
- Fozzy, I'll buy you a peanut.
(frolicking music)
(car horn honking)
- Jim!
Well don't just stand
there, find out what it is.
- What a funny way to adjust a mirror.
What a funny way to adjust your dress.
- What is it?
- The horn is stuck Mr. Parks.
- How was it stuck?
- A bit of paper held it down.
- Census paper?
- What, no.
It's the cover of some comic, (mumbling).
- What have you got there?
- Oh it's a pair of trousers.
I found them by the van door.
- Well I don't think they'll fit you Jim,
but hold on them, the owner might turn up.
I'll tell you what, get
the shotgun and fire it out
into the bushes, you never
know what you might find.
- Chumley?
- Huh?
- Hey, what if it's the law?
- Oh forget it.
It's probably Big Joe's
mob again trying to get
in on the act, like a bunch
of school kids, never grow up.
- Chumley?
- Whoa, careful!
Yeah what?
- Come on!
(laughing)
- What's happened?
- Haven't got any trousers on.
(frolicking music)
(groaning)
(groaning)
(ominous music)
- That's a bit of a
hangout isn't he, eh, 007?
You should've stayed at home
sonny, where you belong.
Did you read your stars this morning?
- Huh?
- Did you?
- No.
- Did they tell you, you
were going on a long journey?
They should've done,
ever heard of (mumbling)?
- We can't send him Mr. Parks.
- Why not?
He'd make a lovely
eunuch, come on, get out.
Oh and you needn't think
that I've forgotten
about that book, Stella.
Jim couldn't find it when
he went back to your place.
Blackmail, sorry sweetheart,
you see, it isn't really mine.
Perhaps the rightful owner
can persuade you to tell us
where you put it,
tomorrow, pleasant dreams.
(ominous music)
- Oh Albert, you shouldnt've
come on your own.
- I'm sorry.
- It's not that.
Only I don't think there's much hope now.
- Well I'll tell him I've got
the book, it's in my trousers.
- No, don't tell him.
- Well why not?
- Don't you understand,
we're all being sold as
entertainers to an Arabian oil state.
- Entertainer, he didn't
mean that bit about
me being an eunuch did he?
Well he's all right for
you, I mean you'll have
your singing and dancing
and I'll, I'll have nothing.
- Oh Albert!
(anticipatory Eastern music)
- Hold on a moment, Jim.
- What?
Here you are droopy drawers,
these should fit you
better than me.
- Oh what a night, that were
as we're never gonna see
each other ever again.
- It's a far, far better thing I do now,
then I've ever done before.
- Harry!
- Okay take 'em away!
- My public!
My career!
Harry you ruined me!
- You can always make a comeback.
- You nasty people, I won't
forget this, you right bastards!
- Well thanks son.
Okay move off, get the car.
- Okay.
(anticipatory Eastern music)
- I wonder where we're going.
- Down to the coast, then all
the way by sea I should think.
- Oh no!
- Why, what's the matter?
- I always get seasick.
- If I'd known I would've
brought my seasick tablets.
- Oh, don't worry, I'll try
and get some on the boat.
(frolicking music)
- I'm sorry but my
foot's my gone to sleep.
- That's a change from your brain.
Oh uh Miss Stella Lindsey?
- Yeah, who are you.
- I'm Fosdyke.
This is Chumley.
- Hey don't I know you two?
- Yes, Albert Chumley.
- Oh hello Albert Toddey.
- How do you do, this
is Mr. George Fosdyke.
Mr. Albert Toddey.
- Great pleasure, Mr. Toddey.
Miss Stella Lindsey, Mr. Albert Toddey.
Mr. Albert Toddey, Miss Stella Lindsey.
Chumley, you already know.
- Yes of course.
- (mumbling) exchange cards?
- Hand them one, Chumley.
- Yes of course, pleasure.
Peanut?
- No, no, no the card.
- Oh of course the card.
Yes here we are.
- Arthur Chumley, Home Office,
Immigration Department.
Something in pencil here, Gloria--
- Ah that's his.
- Yeah in code.
- Are you from Immigration?
- No, no, no, we're Special
Branch, The Investigators.
- Are you going to rescue us?
- Yes.
- What's the plan?
- Haven't the faintest idea.
- I thought as much.
Now you can forget about any
rescuing until we get the man
at the top.
- I had two lines in Pull
'Em Down Gently Tomorrow.
- Pull them down gently?
- Tomorrow?
- My first major movie.
(frolicking music)
- Headquarters could've
picked up Dudley weeks ago.
But that book proves that there's
a bigger operator somewhere.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh I'm sorry Albert, I
couldn't tell you before.
But I'm a policewoman, a copper.
- I thought you were a stripper!
- Well she's a sort of stripping copper.
- No, no, that sounds as
if she strips coppers,
she's a stripper copper.
- You mean she cops strippers?
- No no no, she copes with
strippers, cops, crooks.
- But she is a proper copper.
- Yes.
And considered the cropper
this copper would've gotten
if she's been caught
quipping about, crikey.
- Pardon?
- You mean she's a proper
copper, grieving about,
coping with strippers and copping crooks.
- Now will you listen all of you?
I think that the top
man is in this country.
Have you seen the book?
- No, but we read your report.
- Accounts, all in Arabic.
I think that Dudley finalises
the deal before the shipment
goes off, in which case we
can catch the lot of them,
together, now I suggest that
you stay hidden in here.
They will come and collect
us, you can find out
if there is a Mr. Big around,
and then go and get help.
Right, right?
- Just to get back at Flash Harry.
Do you know I had something
big in front of me.
- All right girls?
Okay Albert?
- Yes, except one thing.
- Hmm?
- Were you a copper before
you were a stripper.
Or were you a stripper
who became a copper?
- Ah we're here, hide, in the sacks.
- Take her off that chain, Jim.
Harry.
- Yes sir?
- Bring her into the
office, we'll find out
where that book is.
(foreboding music)
Sir there'll be a slight delay this month.
There's a little matter
we must attend to first.
(frolicking music)
Where is the book?
- I don't know.
(swanky music)
- Harry!
- Harry, see what he wants.
- Oi, Harry!
Yes you, come here!
- What you want?
- Come here.
- Get out there and took a look for Harry.
(anticipatory music)
Put a stop to it now, Louitius.
(anticipatory music)
You have meddled once too often, Toddey!
(gun fires)
(frolicking music)
- [Albert] Just tell the police
I've left them hanging about.
(frolicking music)
- Stella, I abhor violence.
That's why I'm going to
walk away and leave you to
our friend here, that is, if
you don't start cooperating.
(muttering)
(music drowning out speech)
- Harry, Harry!
(groaning)
- Harry for God's sake go
and see what's happening.
(mumbling)
- What's happening?
- I don't know.
They keep knocking themselves out.
- What should we do?
- Well I'll tell you what.
Get the rest of the girls here
and take these fellows back to the van
and put them on the
chain, there's one around
the corner, it's your boyfriend actually.
- Fantastic!
- Here have you see Chusdyke and Fumbley?
- No I didn't actually wonder.
- Right, go on.
(frolicking music)
- I wonder where they are?
- Here in my pocket.
- What?
- My peanuts.
Would you care for one?
- What do you think I am?
A bloody squirrel?
Right, fall out.
- Pardon?
- Fall out.
- Very well.
- I sentry guard here and you
take a roving patrol, roger?
- And out!
- Right, I'll finish
this once and for all.
(anticipatory music)
- Albert!
(screaming)
(screaming)
(rumbling)
- [Albert] I really don't
think this is a very good idea.
- The keys to the handcuffs.
- [Albert] I don't know why
it has to be, why can't you--
- Just keep them occupied, and
remember, Dudley's got a gun!
- Ah good, I could use some help.
(coughing)
(speaking foreign language)
Are you all right?
(coughing)
(speaking foreign language)
- What?
- (mumbling) that way (mumbling).
- You're probably right.
- Oh yes I know I'm right.
(rumbling)
(screaming)
- Albert, there you are!
- Whoa!
(frolicking music)
- Yes, yes, immediately please.
Inspector Randall?
(frolicking music)
(screaming)
- Well done.
Say what kind of stroke is that?
- Fatal I should think.
You're not going to let him drown are you?
- I couldn't if I wanted to,
it's only three foot deep.
He'll be all right when he stands up.
Yeah you know I've been thinking.
- Oh yes?
- About a reward.
- I'm afraid virtue has
to be its own reward
in a case like this.
- No no I wasn't thinking about
money, I was thinking about
something a little more substantial.
(laughing)
I was thinking about that you
might be able to fix me up
with some sort of employment.
(laughing)
Now I'm sure you'd be able to fix me up,
especially if I told your chief how you've
been handling this job.
- Peanut?
- No thanks.
I'm trying to give 'em up.
- I will, thanks.
Hmm, thanks.
(anticipatory music)
Yes all right well you leave it with me.
Okay, oh and Miss Fielding,
is there any chance
of a cup of coffee down here, thank you.
- [Albert Voiceover] And
that is how a young man with
ideas and imagination
came to be in the service
of Her Majesty.
The grateful government
bestowed on me a just reward.
Nice really, recognition
of my selfless valour.
Outstanding courage and ingenuity.
Plus an ability to keep
me mouth shut of course.
- Morning Albert.
- Oh good morning Stella.
- Thanks for looking after Mister.
- That's all right.
- You really are SuperAlbert.
(cheerful music)
(ominous music)
(alarm blaring)
(dog barking)
(train horn honking)
(guns firing)
- You, yes you turn around, make it slow.
Okay little man you better start talking.
- Morning?
- A comedian!
And what are you doing out
at this time, comedian?
- Pardon?
- I said what are you
doing out at this comedian?
- I'm just taking the dog
out for a walk, actually.
- Okay little man.
But just watch it eh?
- Watch what?
- [Albert Voiceover]
Control yourself Albert,
you've had enough excitement
and danger to last
for a while anyway, but
the time has come to take
things a bit more easily, you've had a go
poking your nose in, mind
you, did very well out of it
though didn't you, what are
you now, a civil servant?
Government employee, a
position of responsibility.
Funny thing, imagination,
I reckon mine must be more
developed than anyone
else's, because I use it more
I suppose, simple as that.
Why don't things work
out as simple as they do
in comics or books?
Funny thing, life, the
solution will seem easy,
all cut and dried and them
it all gets scrunched up.
First it was the accidents, calamities.
How did it happen?
Of course now I remember
how it all started.
Oh yeah it was that
night in the front room.
(foreboding music)
I must've been about 11 or 12.
That's right, Mom and Dad
weren't there, they'd left me
with a babysitter, huh,
babysitter at my age.
Chloe, that's right, she was about 19.
She read those silly
romantic books all the time,
hah, never took any notice of me anyway.
It was after that I realised
that girls weren't just boys
with longer hair and prettier legs.
I suppose I was a bit
frightened with my imagination,
I used to sort of stand outside
and never become involved.
Just a disinterested spectator,
nah, of course what really
frightened me was the
possibility that my imagination
would get me into some sort
of trouble, and what I didn't
know was that all it
required was the right set of
circumstances and a sort of
gunpowder to trigger it off.
Something that would
turn me into Superman.
Or SuperAlbert.
And I didn't know that this
gunpowder would prove to be,
well, an everyday commodity.
(guns firing)
It happened that morning,
a challenge came through
the letterbox, one of the chosen few.
Maybe the only one?
Well the only one in this
street anyway, nobody else
I knew fitted that description, virile.
What a marvellous word, there
was a ticket with the circular
for a place called The Red Mill.
The area wasn't quite the place I thought
a gentleman's club would be.
Well there seemed to be an
awful lot of funny places around
and all those girls, wonder
where they came from,
or go to for that matter, lots
of strange people about too,
I didn't know then that
there were two men sitting
at a nearby bar planning
an investigation connected
with the place that I
had a free ticket too.
Really it was their last
chance, they were the champion
bunglers of the civil service,
supposed to be inconspicuous.
With bowler hats in Soho?
- Good afternoon Mr. Parks.
(anticipatory music)
- Oh, oh I'm sorry I'm late boss.
- [Man] Oh, have I come
to the right place?
I was told to come out here.
- Dude, listen to that,
they're gonna lynch him
one of these days.
- He's a very intelligent
boy who will go far.
- Right, they chucked him
right through these doors
yesterday, that's about
as far as he's gonna go,
right on his head!
- I've told him to use
the cloche I gave him.
He won't listen, just won't
beat up a member of the audience
there's the old school boy, if
he wasn't the wife's brother.
- [Man] Hello sir, do come in.
- No sir, just, I'm just looking.
- Ah faint heart ne'er
went over naked ladies,
it's cold outside, come right through.
- Good afternoon sir,
and welcome to the famous
Red Mill Club, no need to
be shy sir, do stand up.
- I am standing up.
- Yeah well it certainly
tells me you must've received
one of our, oh yes,
you'll like it here son.
There's a lot of fine gentlemen
like yourself in there.
- Oh really.
- Oi, 50 pence.
- Oh...
- So what do they call him?
- Just a minute, it says
welcome to Woburn Abbey on this.
- We have a large organisation.
I'm off, gotta get the
next consignment ready.
- Mr. and Mrs. Ass,
(mumbling), but it was in July,
so when they arrived, Mr. and
Mrs. Ass, they called their,
oh no sir, I'm afraid you
will have to find a seat,
unless you want to come up on the stage
and take off all your clothes?
(hollering)
You'll love them dear, I had
them eating out of my hand.
- How many fingers you've got left?
- Oh, one...
(swanky music)
(applauding)
(anticipatory music)
- Thank you, you're fantastic.
(applauding)
(swanky music)
- [Albert] Oh, I'm sorry
I didn't mean to get your,
uhm, oh I'm sorry!
- Harry!
(hollering)
(whistling)
(applauding)
- Well?
- Fine, thanks.
- Don't look at me, has he come back yet?
- Don't know I'm not looking!
- Where's your standard issue mirror,
(mumbling) sneaking for?
- Hanging in your bathroom up.
- Oh yes.
- Where's yours?
- In your wife's compact.
- So that's why?
- Exactly!
- Ah you're hurting me!
- Peanut?
- Action stations!
- You brute!
Are you all right?
- No.
- If I catch you going through
the boss' desk again Stella,
I'll have your guts for garters.
- Thanks for your help,
but I wish you hadn't.
Oh come on, you're in a hell of a mess,
we'd better get you cleaned up.
- No thanks, that's very nice
of you, no, I'll be all right.
No, I really will, thank you very much.
- Harry you are rotten.
- What's that love?
- I wish you wouldn't do those blokes over
in the middle of my act,
what it must've looked like,
I dread to think.
- Well sorry that bloke was
making himself a nuisance
back there.
- Suppose there had
been someone out there,
fat chance I had ever been discovered.
- Sorry.
- You don't think!
- Think, think?
- What's all the ruckus about Harry?
- Well it's Desiree, she's upset.
- Oh for, I mean the
little guy and Stella.
- Oh I caught Stella going
through your desk back there,
didn't take nothing though.
- Well I never keep money
there, you know that
and so should she, let's
have a look at that desk.
Go and put some clothes on,
you'll catch a death of cold
or something.
- Do you know what I think?
- No.
- That must be the girl.
- What, that one in the club?
- I beg your pardon, oh yes.
You know what had me fooled?
- Well the enormous uh--
- Exactly the enormous confidence.
- Yes, there's that too.
- Why is she doing this?
- Well perhaps at heart she's
just a level below show-off.
- Are we talking about the same girl?
- No, I don't think we are.
- That girl, you numbskull.
(mumbling)
- Oh yummy.
- Oh yes.
- Fosdyke?
- Yes Chumley?
- The book.
- Precisely, the book.
- Come on, come on!
- Come on in.
What you say your name was?
- Albert, Albert Toddey.
- Well the bedroom's in there Albert.
- Is it?
- Yes, go and take your clothes
off and I'll be with you
in a second, tea or coffee.
- Uh tea, please.
- Here you, the bedroom.
You heard me, Mister, the bedroom, fast!
Oh Albert, you didn't
think I was talking to you.
- Well, yes.
- Have you got a dog?
- Uhm, no.
- Well don't bother.
They're more trouble than they're worth.
Oh dear, I think I need cigarette.
Have you seen my handbag?
- Uh no I don't think that I?
Oh, sorry.
- Would you like one?
- No thank you.
- Come on!
We've got to get you out of those clothes.
- What all of them?
- Yes of course.
You're soaked through, oh
Albert, you didn't imagine
that you?
- No, no, no, no.
- You've been watching too
many films, go and change
in the bedroom, wash your face
and we'll put your clothes
in the spin-dryer
- Oh, oh yes, thank you.
(swanky music)
What was happening at that club, Stella?
- Well it's a long story, something very
strange going on there.
- Strange?
- Yes, girls keep on
disappearing for one thing.
- Disappearing, where do they go?
- Well they just vanish,
working in the club one minute.
Gone the next!
It's a bit of a mystery,
they're never seen again.
- Hmm, they must all get
offers from that (mumbling).
- Perhaps.
- Stella is there
anything for me to put on.
- Yeah, but have you finished?
- No, nearly.
- There's a dressing gown
on the back of the door,
put your clothes in a
pile, and I'll collect 'em.
- All right.
(dog barking)
Hey why did that fella want your handbag?
- He wanted a book, he
didn't get it though.
- Why not?
- Yeah, that's funny.
Maybe he didn't know about the book.
- He wanted a book he didn't know about?
Well what was in it?
- Addresses, at least I think it's add...
- Well I don't think
you ought to be working
at a place where girls keep
disappearing and blokes
come out and knock you
on the head just because
they wanna borrow your address book,
why don't we go to the police?
I mean, you can't sit
here and let them get away
with it Stella, Stella?
Stella?
Stella?
(frolicking music)
Oh?
Telephone, telephone?
- I was right, it is him,
Clacton-on-Sea, 1944.
Don't you remember?
- Good day Madam.
- Good day.
- How are you?
- Not too bad.
Thank you.
- Good!
Locked yourself out love?
- [Albert] Uhm, no no it's all right,
I'm just polishing my knockers.
- [Man] Good I'll come
back and help you later.
- Yes you do that, oh my God.
- Well if the girl just ran into the flat,
who is the other girl in the car?
- I have a feeling that the
girl in the dressing gown
with the heavy makeup was in
fact, are you ready for this?
- Ready.
- The little chap at the club.
- Ready? Never!
- The little chap at the club.
There's only one way to find out.
- Oh dear.
- Disguise 47.
- Why don't we ever wear disguise 22.
- You know it doesn't suit me.
- But it's my favourite!
- Right now, let's have
a look at your knockers.
- I beg your pardon!
- [Man] Number please.
Hello, hello?
- Hello.
- Can I help you sir?
- I think Stella has been kidnapped.
- [Man] I beg your pardon sir, hello sir?
(foreboding music)
(doorbell buzzing)
- Good afternoon, Madam.
- Oh, no it's sir actually.
- [Left Man] Ha ha ha, the gas metre gov,
oh it's all right sir, I
know where it is, thank you.
- Larry?
- Yes?
- No I'm looking for Lauren's Frisbee.
- Well that's right?
- I'll do it.
- I'll do it!
I'm in charge and that's final.
- I don't know where the metre is.
- Oh I'll find it, gov.
- Look don't leave me on me own with...
- Oh sorry about this
woman's dressing gown,
I mean I don't usually walk around with...
- Well to each his own mate.
- [Albert] Excuse me, I have
to look up a telephone number.
Likely in the Yellow Pages.
- Ah there you are sir,
thank you very much,
sorry to disturb you.
- That's all right.
- Looking for a plumber mate?
- No, no, no, I'm looking for
an interpreter actually, Arab.
- Arab interpretor, well
there's a coincidence,
let me make a recommendation
sir, make a note of this.
Yes, the Eastern Import Company sir,
we use them all the
time, don't we Chumley?
- What for?
- We do don't you remember?
Here we are sir, Eastern
Import Company, South Road.
- South Road.
- West-W-3.
- West-W-3, thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
(frolicking music)
- Here now.
- Thank you.
Now, take that off it's mine!
Anyway this is our guest rag.
- Who is?
- Look this is no time to
make speeches, plan 47B.
- No!
- Pink alert!
- Really?
- Blue tiles.
- Is it that serious?
- In my opinion.
It's desperate, now I
move, you bring him to me,
and whatever you do, be forceful.
- But it's not my turn!
- Oh yes it is.
I was forceful yesterday.
- Were you, oh yeah, Thursday!
Be forceful, be forceful, be forceful...
Ah, welcome to our
friendly store, you are?
You're the wrong person.
- Yes, I'm often being mistook.
- I'm not surprised.
Just be forceful, peanut,
peanut, peanut, be forceful!
- Excuse me!
- Welcome to our friendly store,
you are the millionth customer.
- Just excuse me, yeah don't I know you?
- No, no, don't think so.
- Yeah, I thought you were on the gas?
- I thought you were on the game, you sir,
are our millionth customer,
and the manager would be
delighted if you'd come to his office,
just up this way sir.
- I was hoping to find
someone who might translate
something for me.
- Uhm, anything you want
sir, today, is your today!
Eastern Import is at your disposal.
- Yes? Ah splendid!
- Our millionth customer.
- Forgive me for not going out
by I haven't quite finished.
I'm sorry about this,
it's a temporary office,
but we find it such a convenience.
And now sir, may I extend to you on behalf
of the Eastern Import
Company, our very warmest
congratulations on being
our millionth customer.
- Oh, thank you very much
sir I'm very proud sir.
- Careful, he's easily flushed.
- And may I say, sir, I'd
like you to feel free,
to take advantage of any
of our specialised services
you feel you may need.
- Like translating?
- Ah!
- Oh I'm so sorry!
Was that your foot?
- Yes!
- I had a pain in the neck.
- Yeah well, actually I
would like some information.
- Anything.
- Just name it.
- I was hoping that somebody
could translate this for me.
(frolicking music)
(speaking foreign language)
- The Grange, Upper Woldingham.
- Ah, Grange, Upper Woldingham.
- Could I just check that
sir, we don't want to make
any mistakes doing, thank you.
(door knocking)
- Come on, come on hurry up.
- That's probably our millionth
and one customer, sir.
(toilet flushing)
- Well I'm quite satisfied, and you?
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
- Sorry.
- Saucebox!
- Wait a minute I've
lost it, who had it last?
Oh excuse me--
- Don't worry sir, that
translation is quite all right.
- Sir can I have the book back now please.
- Oh yes of course the
book, give him the book.
- I haven't got it.
- Perhaps you left it in the office sir,
why don't you go and get it.
- No, no no you had it last.
- I don't think so.
- Yes you had it.
I distinctly remember.
- No I didn't.
- It's in that pocket.
- No it isn't.
- Look!
- Oh, it is.
- That's right.
- Thank you.
- I think you ought to have
a third opinion on this sir.
Take it and get another opinion.
- Oh right.
- No, no, it's good.
(muttering)
Please let me have it!
Where is he, oh there!
- I think you'll find
something here Madam,
more to your liking, now?
- Where's the book?
- He's got it!
- Oh right, oh no!
- Yeah!
(screaming)
(anticipatory music)
- Good Lord.
- Chumley!
Why did you let him get
that book you birdbrain?
- I got carried away you sparrow legs!
- Oh come on let's get out of here.
- I say, what on earth's going on here
what are you doing with this carpet?
- Ah well we'll offer it
to you, 1,50 pound a yard,
we're having a sale, good afternoon,
we're carpet salesmen,
our part makes your party.
- Nice one sir!
- It's not bad, what is it, 50 by 40?
- 51 by 41 actually.
- It's less usual.
- It's more carpet.
- Well in that case I think
we might as well have it.
Say have you got any more?
- Yes, well would you like you one?
- Carpets.
- [Both] No, yes, no, no!
(eerie music)
- Harry switch that organ grinder off,
I'm trying to think while I
work out your commissions.
See, Jim had a day out last week.
And Louitius was fined for pimping.
Bill--
(phone ringing)
Hello, oh yes sir, yes tomorrow for sure.
Six girls as we arranged.
I don't remember saying
anything about seven.
It's not that, but listen
I've got these ready
in the cellar, six beauties.
The best yet, oh you
won't be disappointed.
Oh there's no question
of cancelling our deal,
if you want seven you shall have them.
I've never disappointed
you yet have I, yes.
And may Allah do the same on you.
(frolicking music)
Hello boys, hello girl, Harry
can I have a word with you.
Not you Desiree.
I won't keep him long dear.
Harry, something's cropped
up, I'm afraid I must ask you
to do something for me.
I have a problem and, well
you're the only person
I can turn to.
We've known each other a
long time Harry and I know
that you've always looked up
to me as if I was a father.
Why don't you sit down Harry,
there's a draught in here,
I'll close those French windows.
(phone ringing)
- Shall I answer that, guv?
- Yes, but I'm not into anyone.
No not that one, sit
over there by the desk.
- Yes, no we're not in.
- Sit down.
Harry, there comes in a time
in every man's life, Harry,
when he has to give up
something he's fond of.
Kings give up their countries,
there was that bloke
who went to the guillotine.
What I'm asking you Harry
is a far, far better thing
than you have ever done before.
What do you think of
Desiree really, Harry?
- She's all right, why?
- They want her.
And that's all there is too
it, the decision has been made.
I'd like to give you a little something,
my way of thanks, Harry,
how about a tenner?
- Oh thank you very much Mr. Parks.
- So it's all right then?
- What is?
- Giving up Desiree for
tomorrow's consignment?
- Of course it's all right.
- It is?
Well let's make it a fiver shall we,
I'm a little short at the moment.
- Thank you.
- Is the van all right for the tomorrow?
- Yes I've had a word
with Jim, and he knows
the tools are in the front
because we don't want
any more trouble like we had last time.
So I've got the rest of
the night with Desiree?
(swanky music)
- Oh Harry!
(giggling)
Oh Harry you're so impulsive.
We are still going on holiday?
- Sure.
- It won't be too hot will it?
- What one?
- Where we're going.
- Oh, well no, no.
- Will it have those funny things on it?
- What funny things?
- You know.
Coves and grottos!
- Coves and grottos?
Oh you mean the seaside.
- I don't like all that sand and hot sun.
- Would you miss me if I was to go away.
- Of course, would you miss me?
- I will.
- I don't envy all those
girls downstairs, you know,
going on that long sea
trip, oh, and those camels.
- Well then, they get treated very well.
- Are you gonna do it or am I?
- Do what?
- I have to strip every
night with bright light
in front of me, I'm not
gonna stay in bed with you
with the lights on!
(frolicking music)
- Well Harry and his
good lady have retired to
their room and I'll trust
you'll do the same boys.
- [Man] Thanks for the offer Mr. Parks,
but I'm afraid it'll be a bit crowded.
- That Louitius.
(frolicking music)
(chattering)
- Spiritual power, love.
And (mumbling) Clark
Gable kisses (mumbling).
And it fades out (mumbling).
(frolicking music)
(gasping)
- Albert!
(anticipatory music)
(groaning)
- Thank you, now untie them.
(clock striking)
(swanky music)
(frolicking music)
- [Fosdyke] There was no need
to close the door Chumley.
- I didn't close the door.
- Don't argue with me.
- [Chumley] I didn't.
- Now go and see if
he's around the corner.
(frolicking music)
Good evening.
- Good evening.
- [Both] We are with the
Census Office in this area,
and we have to inform you
that are required by law!
- Excuse me.
- Granted, to--
- We can't both do it, can we?
- No exactly!
- [Both] To complete this
official statement...
- Excuse me.
To complete this official
statement as to the number
of persons--
- In this habitation as
of midnight, tonight.
- Did you have to come at midnight?
- Oh is it really that late?
- No, it's mid-afternoon and
there's an eclipse of the sun.
- Really?
- Come in.
(frolicking music)
There you are gentlemen,
I'm sorry to hurry you,
but I'm rather tired.
- Well personally, I'm not surprised, oh.
(frolicking music)
(giggling)
A very impressive list, Mr. Parks.
- I'm so glad you think
so, good night gentlemen.
- Just think, all these famous
people in this house here
tonight.
- What famous people?
- Look, Miss A. Welsh.
M. Brando.
- Look, F. Flintstone!
- [Both] Tom and...
- My second sense tells me something.
- What's that?
- Things are not what
they should be, Chummers.
- Fozzy, I'll buy you a peanut.
(frolicking music)
(car horn honking)
- Jim!
Well don't just stand
there, find out what it is.
- What a funny way to adjust a mirror.
What a funny way to adjust your dress.
- What is it?
- The horn is stuck Mr. Parks.
- How was it stuck?
- A bit of paper held it down.
- Census paper?
- What, no.
It's the cover of some comic, (mumbling).
- What have you got there?
- Oh it's a pair of trousers.
I found them by the van door.
- Well I don't think they'll fit you Jim,
but hold on them, the owner might turn up.
I'll tell you what, get
the shotgun and fire it out
into the bushes, you never
know what you might find.
- Chumley?
- Huh?
- Hey, what if it's the law?
- Oh forget it.
It's probably Big Joe's
mob again trying to get
in on the act, like a bunch
of school kids, never grow up.
- Chumley?
- Whoa, careful!
Yeah what?
- Come on!
(laughing)
- What's happened?
- Haven't got any trousers on.
(frolicking music)
(groaning)
(groaning)
(ominous music)
- That's a bit of a
hangout isn't he, eh, 007?
You should've stayed at home
sonny, where you belong.
Did you read your stars this morning?
- Huh?
- Did you?
- No.
- Did they tell you, you
were going on a long journey?
They should've done,
ever heard of (mumbling)?
- We can't send him Mr. Parks.
- Why not?
He'd make a lovely
eunuch, come on, get out.
Oh and you needn't think
that I've forgotten
about that book, Stella.
Jim couldn't find it when
he went back to your place.
Blackmail, sorry sweetheart,
you see, it isn't really mine.
Perhaps the rightful owner
can persuade you to tell us
where you put it,
tomorrow, pleasant dreams.
(ominous music)
- Oh Albert, you shouldnt've
come on your own.
- I'm sorry.
- It's not that.
Only I don't think there's much hope now.
- Well I'll tell him I've got
the book, it's in my trousers.
- No, don't tell him.
- Well why not?
- Don't you understand,
we're all being sold as
entertainers to an Arabian oil state.
- Entertainer, he didn't
mean that bit about
me being an eunuch did he?
Well he's all right for
you, I mean you'll have
your singing and dancing
and I'll, I'll have nothing.
- Oh Albert!
(anticipatory Eastern music)
- Hold on a moment, Jim.
- What?
Here you are droopy drawers,
these should fit you
better than me.
- Oh what a night, that were
as we're never gonna see
each other ever again.
- It's a far, far better thing I do now,
then I've ever done before.
- Harry!
- Okay take 'em away!
- My public!
My career!
Harry you ruined me!
- You can always make a comeback.
- You nasty people, I won't
forget this, you right bastards!
- Well thanks son.
Okay move off, get the car.
- Okay.
(anticipatory Eastern music)
- I wonder where we're going.
- Down to the coast, then all
the way by sea I should think.
- Oh no!
- Why, what's the matter?
- I always get seasick.
- If I'd known I would've
brought my seasick tablets.
- Oh, don't worry, I'll try
and get some on the boat.
(frolicking music)
- I'm sorry but my
foot's my gone to sleep.
- That's a change from your brain.
Oh uh Miss Stella Lindsey?
- Yeah, who are you.
- I'm Fosdyke.
This is Chumley.
- Hey don't I know you two?
- Yes, Albert Chumley.
- Oh hello Albert Toddey.
- How do you do, this
is Mr. George Fosdyke.
Mr. Albert Toddey.
- Great pleasure, Mr. Toddey.
Miss Stella Lindsey, Mr. Albert Toddey.
Mr. Albert Toddey, Miss Stella Lindsey.
Chumley, you already know.
- Yes of course.
- (mumbling) exchange cards?
- Hand them one, Chumley.
- Yes of course, pleasure.
Peanut?
- No, no, no the card.
- Oh of course the card.
Yes here we are.
- Arthur Chumley, Home Office,
Immigration Department.
Something in pencil here, Gloria--
- Ah that's his.
- Yeah in code.
- Are you from Immigration?
- No, no, no, we're Special
Branch, The Investigators.
- Are you going to rescue us?
- Yes.
- What's the plan?
- Haven't the faintest idea.
- I thought as much.
Now you can forget about any
rescuing until we get the man
at the top.
- I had two lines in Pull
'Em Down Gently Tomorrow.
- Pull them down gently?
- Tomorrow?
- My first major movie.
(frolicking music)
- Headquarters could've
picked up Dudley weeks ago.
But that book proves that there's
a bigger operator somewhere.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh I'm sorry Albert, I
couldn't tell you before.
But I'm a policewoman, a copper.
- I thought you were a stripper!
- Well she's a sort of stripping copper.
- No, no, that sounds as
if she strips coppers,
she's a stripper copper.
- You mean she cops strippers?
- No no no, she copes with
strippers, cops, crooks.
- But she is a proper copper.
- Yes.
And considered the cropper
this copper would've gotten
if she's been caught
quipping about, crikey.
- Pardon?
- You mean she's a proper
copper, grieving about,
coping with strippers and copping crooks.
- Now will you listen all of you?
I think that the top
man is in this country.
Have you seen the book?
- No, but we read your report.
- Accounts, all in Arabic.
I think that Dudley finalises
the deal before the shipment
goes off, in which case we
can catch the lot of them,
together, now I suggest that
you stay hidden in here.
They will come and collect
us, you can find out
if there is a Mr. Big around,
and then go and get help.
Right, right?
- Just to get back at Flash Harry.
Do you know I had something
big in front of me.
- All right girls?
Okay Albert?
- Yes, except one thing.
- Hmm?
- Were you a copper before
you were a stripper.
Or were you a stripper
who became a copper?
- Ah we're here, hide, in the sacks.
- Take her off that chain, Jim.
Harry.
- Yes sir?
- Bring her into the
office, we'll find out
where that book is.
(foreboding music)
Sir there'll be a slight delay this month.
There's a little matter
we must attend to first.
(frolicking music)
Where is the book?
- I don't know.
(swanky music)
- Harry!
- Harry, see what he wants.
- Oi, Harry!
Yes you, come here!
- What you want?
- Come here.
- Get out there and took a look for Harry.
(anticipatory music)
Put a stop to it now, Louitius.
(anticipatory music)
You have meddled once too often, Toddey!
(gun fires)
(frolicking music)
- [Albert] Just tell the police
I've left them hanging about.
(frolicking music)
- Stella, I abhor violence.
That's why I'm going to
walk away and leave you to
our friend here, that is, if
you don't start cooperating.
(muttering)
(music drowning out speech)
- Harry, Harry!
(groaning)
- Harry for God's sake go
and see what's happening.
(mumbling)
- What's happening?
- I don't know.
They keep knocking themselves out.
- What should we do?
- Well I'll tell you what.
Get the rest of the girls here
and take these fellows back to the van
and put them on the
chain, there's one around
the corner, it's your boyfriend actually.
- Fantastic!
- Here have you see Chusdyke and Fumbley?
- No I didn't actually wonder.
- Right, go on.
(frolicking music)
- I wonder where they are?
- Here in my pocket.
- What?
- My peanuts.
Would you care for one?
- What do you think I am?
A bloody squirrel?
Right, fall out.
- Pardon?
- Fall out.
- Very well.
- I sentry guard here and you
take a roving patrol, roger?
- And out!
- Right, I'll finish
this once and for all.
(anticipatory music)
- Albert!
(screaming)
(screaming)
(rumbling)
- [Albert] I really don't
think this is a very good idea.
- The keys to the handcuffs.
- [Albert] I don't know why
it has to be, why can't you--
- Just keep them occupied, and
remember, Dudley's got a gun!
- Ah good, I could use some help.
(coughing)
(speaking foreign language)
Are you all right?
(coughing)
(speaking foreign language)
- What?
- (mumbling) that way (mumbling).
- You're probably right.
- Oh yes I know I'm right.
(rumbling)
(screaming)
- Albert, there you are!
- Whoa!
(frolicking music)
- Yes, yes, immediately please.
Inspector Randall?
(frolicking music)
(screaming)
- Well done.
Say what kind of stroke is that?
- Fatal I should think.
You're not going to let him drown are you?
- I couldn't if I wanted to,
it's only three foot deep.
He'll be all right when he stands up.
Yeah you know I've been thinking.
- Oh yes?
- About a reward.
- I'm afraid virtue has
to be its own reward
in a case like this.
- No no I wasn't thinking about
money, I was thinking about
something a little more substantial.
(laughing)
I was thinking about that you
might be able to fix me up
with some sort of employment.
(laughing)
Now I'm sure you'd be able to fix me up,
especially if I told your chief how you've
been handling this job.
- Peanut?
- No thanks.
I'm trying to give 'em up.
- I will, thanks.
Hmm, thanks.
(anticipatory music)
Yes all right well you leave it with me.
Okay, oh and Miss Fielding,
is there any chance
of a cup of coffee down here, thank you.
- [Albert Voiceover] And
that is how a young man with
ideas and imagination
came to be in the service
of Her Majesty.
The grateful government
bestowed on me a just reward.
Nice really, recognition
of my selfless valour.
Outstanding courage and ingenuity.
Plus an ability to keep
me mouth shut of course.
- Morning Albert.
- Oh good morning Stella.
- Thanks for looking after Mister.
- That's all right.
- You really are SuperAlbert.
(cheerful music)