Whiffs (1975) - full transcript
A private applies to be a test subject for the military's new chemical weapons program. After many tests he decides to use his knowledge on chemical warfare to rob banks. He will need a partner, though.
[bugle call]
Attention!
Sit.
Good morning, gentlemen.
You men have been
carefully chosen
from many applicants
to advance your careers
in this top security
highly classified
and totally misunderstood
Department of the United States
Defense's effort.
You have all successfully
and without fear
of the unknown..
...courageously..
...subjected yourselves to tests
A common cold, polio,
diphtheria, the Hong-Kong flu
Montezuma's revenge, dysentery.
Oh, I can go on
and on and on.
Today you're moving up.
Graduating to a new level
in your careers.
The opportunity
to be part of the test
of chemical warfare's
newest gas developments.
You'll be able to prove..
[airplanes swooshing]
...Department of Defense
United States Army
Joint Chiefs of..
[swooshing]
[sighs]
That damned Air Force.
You are going to help prove to
the Department of the Defense
the United States Army,
the Joint Chiefs of Staffs
to the entire world..
...that we, the Chemical Corp
are the champions of
the only form of humane warfare.
We don't want to kill the enemy.
We just want to
make him a little sick.
Now, I want you to meet..
...a soldier of soldiers,
pride of the Chemical Corp.
This man has given
15 years of dedicated
unselfish, loyal service
to humanity.
Private Dudley Frapper.
[clapping]
[applause]
It is indeed a privilege
and a great honor to serve you
the United States Armed Forces
and our country, sir.
[applause]
And today, this man..
...will be the first
to participate
in the testing of the newest
and the most effective
gas ever created.
GZS-II.
Which some
irresponsible journalists
have already sarcastically
named"The Red Death."
But what we in
chemical warfare would prefer
to call"Happy Dreams."
So, today, Private Frapper
will once again
make his contribution.
'A giant contribution
to peace for all mankind.'
[applause]
[bangs]
[comical music]
[music continues]
[airplane swooshing]
[music continues]
[man sighing]
'Isn't that wonderful?
Look at that, it's perfect.'
- 'Perfect!'
- 'This is not to smile at.'
I'm smiling because
the test is a success.
It is not.
He should have
lost motor control
by the time he reached
the outer circle.
- He did!
- He did not.
I want another test.
Alright.
Frapper will be
ready in two days.
I don't know about Frapper.
He's getting
chemically imbalanced.
Developing certain immunities.
He doesn't look immune to me.
[Dudley groaning]
[coughing]
Excuse me, sir.
Then I, I lost..
...control of my elbow joints.
Couldn't raise my arms.
My knees went next.
[indistinct]
I was nauseous.
- Choking.
- Excellent.
'My vision was
all blurry, minimum.'
My nose was running.
[coughs]
You haven't eaten, private.
No appetite, ma'am.
Appetite is unimportant.
This is part of the chemical
experiment. Now eat.
My taste buds are shot.
Everything tastes
the same, flat.
Your vision was impaired,
partially blurring?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I was nearly unconscious.
And my body was twitching.
And then..
...a very peculiar
thing happened, sir.
- I got an erection.
- 'Good man.'
(Dudley)
'I-I haven't had any
one of those for two years'
due to the decontamination.
- Scrub team noticed it?
- I don't know.
Let me see if it's here.
What do you think
caused that, sir?
Well, that gas probably affected
your involuntary muscles
which controls
your blood vessels.
So, on a.. the condition
you described to me
was just a pack of
spongy tissue, that's all.
Spongy tissue?
[wheezing]
- Colonel Sir.
- How is Frapper?
Well? Good progress.
- Thank you, sir.
- Colonel.
Well, I hope his condition
is satisfactory?
Can we gas him tomorrow?
He's gas-able.
Uh-huh.
Sir.
I recommend that
Private Frapper not be used
for any test proboscis
for at least two weeks.
Give him a chance
to build up his strength.
Well, I suppose
we'll let Private Frapper
then decide when he's ready.
How did the...the film
on GZS test go, sir?
I loved it. I loved it.
He's the cream of
the Chemical Corp.
(Dudley)
'Oh, thank you, sir.
I love my work.'
It's challenging--
Now you talk about challenge.
There's another
experiment I need you on.
The new nerve gas variation.
The Pinto model?
Gran Torino.
Wow! I can..
...hardly wait to..
[wheezing]
...try that one, sir.
- Dudley. What do you say?
- Hey, there, Chops.
I didn't know
you were with me on this.
Yeah. How about that?
I thought you preferred
the bacterial archidose.
I...no,
I got sick and tired
of having the bubonic plague
all the time, you know.
What the hell is all this shit?
Oh, it's a combination
of a mustard gas
and a new nerve agent.
[ringing]
This is the skin test.
Oh.
[whirring]
[groans]
[whirring]
Oh.
[Dudley screams]
They're running
dysentery over in lab 12.
You should've
volunteered for it.
Oh, no kidding.
I didn't know that.
Damn it.
[groaning]
I'd love the dysentery test,
you know?
But, uh, the colonel
said that if I did this one
it would, uh, you know
speed up my, speed up my
speed up my p-parole.
Never did ask you
why they put you in prison?
Armed robbery.
'How much time did you get?'
Uh-uh, seven, seven the ten.
If they let me go
after this one
it'll mean I served four.
I sprained his neck.
What you think he'll do
when you get out?
I don't know.
How much longer are
you-you gonna be
in the army?
I've done 15 years already.
Another five, I'm eligible
to my retirement.
You-you, you gonna put up
this shit five more years?
More actually, you see..
I'm-I'm, I intend to be
a thirty-thirty year man.
Um, no..
It must be nice to be able
to...plan your life that away.
The army's been very good to me.
[mumbling]
Gives me a sense ofsecurity.
[mumbling]
Security?
You gotta be...
out of your freaking mind.
Think of..
[mumbling]
[groaning]
What kind of future is this?
Think of it..
...as acontribution
topeace
in theworld.
[comical music]
Order number one!
Ready!
Load!
Fire!
[explosion]
'Order number two.'
'Ready!'
'Load!'
'Fire!'
[explosion]
'Order number three.'
'Ready! Load!'
'Fire!'
[explosion]
[comical music]
(male #1)
'Shouldn't have been tipping
yet. The mask is defective.'
(male #2)
'It's not the mask,
it's Dudley Frapper.'
'He's ruining my tests.'
He's too unstable.
Frapper is stable.
I want him out
of the chemical program.
Now, he can cause millions
of dollars worth of mistakes.
Frapper does not
make mistakes.
Do you want to take
the responsibility?
Eh.
[groaning]
- Discharge?
- 'For medical reasons.'
What do you mean
medical re-reasons..
...sir?
Here's the medical report.
Reads like the kindest thing we
could do for you
would be
to put you to sleep.
But, sir, I don't
want a discharge.
I wish the Chemical Corps
had a thousand more like you.
[wheezing]
Only healthy.
Sir, transfer me
into another branch.
The Green Berets.
Frapper, when you are out,
you are out.
Out of the entire army.
Sir, I'm-I'm, I'm due for
my pension in five years, sir.
[grunts]
Couldn't you find me
a job on the base?
Anything, so I can hang around
for another five years.
The army, Frapper, is not
a place to hang around.
[coughing]
[Frapper wheezing]
[coughs]
Look, on the positive side..
Don't overlook
the tremendous contribution
you've made to this program.
You got any idea how many mice
and rats, birds, uh, guinea pigs
rabbits, monkeys, beagles..
...have been spared
because of you?
I couldn't even
approximate, sir.
The army doesn't approximate.
The army knows exactly.
And the army
shows it's appreciation
by taking care of it's own.
You may not be
getting a pension
but you're getting
something better.
Disability payments.
[clears throat]
I never..
...thought of myself
as being disabled, sir.
Then think disabled!
The adjudication committee
ruled you 30 percent disabled.
Every month
Dr. Sam is gonna
send you a whopping
cheque for $77.
That isn't very much, sir.
Frapper..
...you like spaghetti?
- I used to, sir.
- Mm-hmm.
Won't $77 each month
buy you one
hell of a lot of spaghetti?
More than I need, sir.
Get yourself a job,
the 77 is marinara sauce.
Sir, my 30 percent disability
takes into account
impaired vision, hearing, lungs.
- 'Things like that.'
- That's correct.
But does it take into
consideration my hair-loss, sir?
I don't see how
a couples of patches
of bare skull's
gonna disable you.
What I'm saying, sir,
is when I entered the service
I had a completely normal
healthy head of hair.
And due to service
connected activities
patches are falling out,
I have this permanent shock
I feel entitled to an additional
one percent disability.
Alright, the army will
provide you with GI-wig.
How about my loss
of appetite, sir?
Every food tastes the same.
How about one percent
for my taste buds?
Taste buds?
Hm.
Well, I have to
research that one.
It's due to biological
experiments, colonel.
I have suffered
from anthrax, malaria
blastomycosis,
cryptomycosis
'collar, glanders, rickets'
parrot fever, rabbit fever,
shingles, yellow jack, sheep--
'Okay, okay.'
Geez!
- How much you want for the lot?
- Twenty percent, sir.
I'm sure the navy
would give me twenty-five.
The army will give you ten.
Go fifteen.
Twelve is top.
You got yourself
a good deal, sir.
Alright, shall we add up
the package here?
Well, I have one more item, sir,
and it's a rather large one
which is not exactly
the best way to describe it.
What is the best way?
Impotent, sir.
What?
Impotence.
You oughta be ashamed
of yourself.
Trying to claim
a sexual disability!
I mean, if you had a shot off.
Or if you were a real stud
when you enlisted
I'd be the first to give you
a 100 percent disability.
For all I know, you're queer.
[Frapper wheezing]
Oh-oh-oh, I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Okay.
We'll accept it.
You had reasonable sexual
horse power when you enlisted
and somewhere along
the highway
of chemical and biological
warfare your crankshaft cracked.
So, put this package together,
uh, see what we got?
We're talking about..
...twelve percent
for that medley diseases.
One percent hair-loss.
Well, alright,
one for taste buds.
I'll give you..
...six for your dead dick.
'That's 20 percent.'
'And plus 30, that's up to
a grand total of 50 percent.'
That's a 149 smackers a month.
For a single guy?
Thank you, sir.
Uh, Frapper, how many times have
you been on the brink of death?
So many times, sir,
I stopped counting.
Uh-huh, and how many times
have we managed
to pull you out of it?
- A similar amount I think, sir.
- Uh-huh.
Personnel into the thousands.
Doctors, nurses,
decontamination crews
have saved your life
again and again and again.
Ad nauseam, you'd be
dead without them.
Frapper..
You owe us.
I agree, sir.
Your disability is hereby
readjusted to 40 percent
in their honor.
That's a $106 a month,
non-taxable.
Plus, permanent
out-patient status.
You'll be coming out on the base
every week for shots and study.
Plus, all medicine
and drugs.
Plus, burial allowances
and a grave-marker.
Plus, a GI-wig,
that will have every whore
in Salt Lake city
chasing after you.
Let's face it, soldier,
you've got it made.
[patriotic music]
Frapper..
I'm gonna miss you.
Oh, that's very gratifying, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Well, I'm gonna miss seeing
you out there, you know.
Out in the field and..
[laughs]
Well, a cloud of gas comes
and settles on you and you..
...you do that wonderful
little dance, you know.
[melancholic music]
Don't you feel
any bitterness?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess I'll know better
when I step outside the gates.
What kind of job
are you looking for?
Well, something
challenging and interesting.
I'm thinking of buying a van
and doing some hauling.
Well, I've got
a month's leave coming.
I hope you get settled.
Thanks, Scottie.
But I can handle that myself.
It was a terrific life.
I guess I am bitter.
What kind of work was it that
you did in the Chemical Corps?
Oh, it-it was
highly classified work.
I can't talk about it.
[wheezes]
Well, ah, if you want to find
the same kind of work here
you'll have to tell me
what it was.
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
My allegiance is to the US of A.
[wheezes]
'If you could just tell me
what openings you have'
I could tell you which one's..
[wheezes]
...I could fill.
[wheezes]
Why don't you fill out this
application form
over there at the table?
Over there?
[military music]
[grunting]
[coughing]
[Dudley mumbling]
[Dudley groaning]
What happened?
Jus-jus-just a slight ca-ca-case
of ma-ma-ma-malaria.
[groaning]
This is not my size.
You're hurting my little toe.
Please close your mouth.
[coughing]
Listen, you're spreading
germs all over the place.
Please cover your mouth.
[coughing]
Ooh...eh..
Let-let go.
- Shoo.
- It's over. It's okay.
[coughing]
[groaning]
(man on radio)
'This is KOSL FM,
Salt Lake City.'
["Now That We're In Love"]
* Now that we're in love *
* The world's a lovelier place *
* Now that we're in love *
* It has a smile
on it's face *
[engine revving]
* Every night *
* Each day is Valentine's Day *
Well done.
Take care of yourself.
And, uh, you'll have
to lay off dairy.
Dudley, one before breakfast
and one after dinner.
* You sigh and violins play *
* Now that you're *
Got to get
your case reviewed.
I mean, you
can't even hold a job.
They're going to pay
for what they've done to you.
Boy, guess they're more bitter
about this than me.
I've been on the verge
of death so many times
I learn to take it
as it comes.
Well, don't.
There's taking,
and then there's taking.
And they are taking
advantage of you.
If they don't give you
what you deserve
you mustdemandit.
Oh, you know me.
I'm not that kind of person.
* Shangri-La, Eden *
* Yes heaven and paradise too *
I have a pass
for this weekend.
And I'm gonna be bringing
something very special.
And I'm sure..
Lieutenant Hallam,
you're needed.
You're due for an upswing.
[knock on door]
(Dudley)
'Advance and be recognized!'
Oh!
Ooh!
You're recognized.
Guess what.
What?
Ta-dah!
- For me?
- For you.
N2O?
Nitrogen Monoxide?
L-laughing gas.
What's the matter?
My condition isn't funny enough?
"The Dental Journal"
says that in some cases
it stimulates
sexual hallucinations.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
I don't want
a sexual hallucination.
I want a hard-on.
[moaning]
I sure miss those gases.
I just want you to relax.
Don't breathe
too heavily
or you'll pass out.
You didn't take any.
I don't wanna waste any on me.
Ooh-oo-ooh!
[chuckling]
Oh, it's goodie!
Ha ha ha! Oh.
Oh, if I could
just get it all together
I would give it..
...all...to you.
Please take some.
- Please.
- Alright.
'I'm so relaxed and loose'
I just want you to feel like me.
[laughing]
How much..
[chuckles]
...passionate now?
Passionate?
I am passionate.
God, honey, I got a hot
news flash for you.
I got news coming over the wire.
This stuff doesn't work.
This doesn't do nothing.
[chuckles]
[blows raspberry]
[laughing]
Aah!
Ah, I'm gonna-you..
...get some of this is in.
- Scottie, you..
- No.
...you get yourself
all gassed up too--
No, no.
Come on, come on, come on.
- No, I'm going to bed.
- Come on.
- Oh.
- Come on, come on.
No more. No!
No.
[chuckling]
I still love you.
[solemn music]
(Phil)
'Closin' up.'
Time for a fast one?
If you'll gulp it down.
Yeah.
Uh..
What do you have
for somebody who's, uh..
[wheezes]
...not supposed to drink?
I got a door and a steel toe
in my shoe.
Can I please have
a glass of water?
It's..
Drink up!
Okay.
[cash register dings]
Chops?
Chops.
Well, do you have to yell
my name so loud?
- How are you?
- I'm fine. Tops, tops.
Where's your uniform?
Oh, I'm out.
Medical discharge.
- You got a job?
- No.
You got one?
Yeah, well, sort of.
You glad you're out?
Sure.
Only thing is, I'm having
a little difficult time
trying to get myself
together, you know?
Yeah, I know the feeling.
I've been betrayed by the army
and rejected by civilian life
among other personal problems.
Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that, Dudley.
But look, I don't wanna
talk to you anymore.
Now, will you take off?
Why not?
Uh, in police terms,
there's a robbery in progress.
Are you a cop?
No, I'm the perpetrator.
Now, will you get outta here?
I don't want you
to get in any trouble.
Chops, don't do it.
I can't help it.
I'm all keyed up.
Hey, it's gulp time.
You too, Mac.
Don't make me throw you out.
Oh, why don't you shut up,
you big bully.
Who the hell do you
think you are, anyway?
- Don't.
- Huh?
You wanna throw me out
from over here?
Or you want me to jump over
so you can try to throw me
out from over there?
Decisions, decisions.
- Chops, don't.
- Na, don't worry about it.
He's gonna shit in his pants
when he sees this.
Alright, come on.
Face down on the ground.
Hands behind your head.
Wow! Look at that thing go.
That gun could have gone off.
It could have hurt somebody.
Don't you know
anything about guns?
- Now get out!
- I was only kidding.
What's the matter with you?
Don't be so stupid.
Sir, wait. He didn't mean that.
This man is an actor.
He's with the Royal Salt Lake
City Shakespeare Company.
And he's just getting
into his character for his role
in the "Merry Wives Of Windsor,"
which is a funny play.
'And it's dirty, it's dirty.'
Would you like some
passes for the wife and kids?
I just want one pass,
at his head.
Now, wait,
I was only kidding.
Look, he's telling you
the truth.
You see this guy Winsom..
Louie Winsom
from the Delancey Street.
Anyway, he's kind
of a Robin Hood, you know?
He's an ex-con
and he gets parole.
And he winds up in his barn,
where he meets
a lot of strange people.
'Anyway, he meets the servant
with a wife. I forget his name.'
Who introduces to
all the other wives.
And that's how they become
"The Merry Wives of Windsor."
[grunting]
- Yeah, yeah!
- Ow!
You hissing me
or blowing your schnoz.
[mumbles]
I was blowing my schnoz..
Wait a minute, why can't we
sit and talk this over?
Come on.
[laughing]
[laughing]
You silly ass.
[laughing]
Hissing me.
[laughing]
What the hell
are you doing?
Just telling my friend
blow his nose.
I'm gonna blow
his nose with this.
[all laughing]
[comical music]
You crazy guys!
[laughing]
Hissing me.
[laughing]
Crazy.
[mumbling]
[snoring]
What the hell is that stuff?
[mumbling]
Anesthetic, he'll wake up..
Oh, terrific.
[snoring continues]
What are you doing?
[laughs]
[cash register dings]
I'm completing
a very smooth robbery.
Oh!
Armed robbery.
[snoring]
Sixty three clams.
We made a killing.
Listen, you know?
I owe you.
Now, because
if it wasn't for you
that guy would
have messed me up.
So we're gonna split this.
Thirty-one for me.
Thirty-one for you. Okay?
And one dollar for the coffee,
donuts and a tip.
What.. well, come on.
Take it,
don't stare at it.
I mean, you need
it as bad as I do, right?
Right.
I'll never forget
that bartender's laugh
for the rest of my life.
[chuckles]
I can't wait to tell the guys
in San Quentin about this one.
Hope that's not too soon.
Hey, Dud. You think you can get
any more of that gas?
I can get anything
I wanted dug up.
You know, I-I was just thinking
that maybe we could pull
another job with it, you know?
Look at this.
But that's not really
the right gas, is it?
It just knocks out
one person at a time.
Well, how about a gas
that knocks out
a couple of people
at the same time?
It depends how fast
you wanna knock 'em out.
Well, knock 'em out fast.
I mean, the worse
that can happen
is they'd throw up, right?
I mean,
what's wrong with that?
You gotta know
what you're doing
when you're working with gas.
Dudley, you're talking
to a two-man operation here.
One handles the gas,
the other one handles the money.
I like it, it's beautiful,
it's perfect.
And it works.
Wait a minute. I'm a veteran.
I'm not a crook.
Oh, is that what
you think I am? A crook?
A guy who is gassed with you,
who is diseased with you.
I'm sorry. All I want to do
is an earn an honest living.
Of course you do
and so do I.
But they won't let you.
Dudley, Dudley,
the army is screwing you.
Everybody is screwing you.
So how about screwing
them back?
You're the second person
who said that to me.
I mean, we're not gonna mow 'em
down like Barney and Clyde.
We're just gonna hit 'em with
some poison gas, that's all.
Look, Dudley.
I know how you feel
about pleasin' humanity
and-and-and that-and that
chemical warfare shit.
But this will give
you a chance to prove it works.
Well, I wouldn't wanna see
anybody hurt
or permanently injured.
That's the beauty of gas.
No guns, no violence.
No guns, no violence?
Or else I won't do it.
Okay.
Non-violent crime has just
taken a big step forward.
Okay.
They were a couple
of sick-looking punks.
Oh, there's all kinds of sick.
Let's narrow it down.
Sick in the head,
or sick in the body?
Or is that too narrow for you?
Head. They were kinda crazy.
Oh, wait a minute.
There's a whole
wide range of crazy.
If I had an hour,
I could present you
with a whole list
of crazinesses.
Maybe you can
save me some time.
Everything they did
seemed funny.
Never laughed so hard
in my life.
Pair of jokers, huh?
Gonna put that through
the computer.
Hoods with a sense of humor.
Got pains in my chest
and side.
They roughed you up?
From laughing.
One of them was hissing me.
- Hissing?
- Yeah. Right in my ear.
What a silly guy.
Oh, hissing
is a whole other field.
So vast,
that it hasn't been explored.
Shall we?
Hiss.
Hiss.
No. Like this.
- Hiss.
- Hiss.
It ain't as funny
when you do it.
["Now That We're In Love"]
* Suddenly in Disneyland *
* Now that we're in love *
[dramatic music]
- All clear, George.
- Okay, Dudley.
[tires screeching]
[indistinct chatter]
[coughing]
[dramatic music]
[groans]
Service is lousy.
[dramatic music]
[coughing]
Hey, don't let anybody leave
without paying the check.
[coughing continues]
[whistling]
Come on, let's go, let's go.
(Chops)
'Twenty seven, twenty eight,
twenty nine, thirty'
'thirty one,
thirty twodollars!'
[laughing]
Hey, Dud.
How about this one
for a big number, huh?
Let's see, $5382.
Half of that comes to, half of
that comes to, uh, 5000..
I almost breathe some
of the gas in my lungs.
I wretched in my mask,
it felt good.
Uh, well-well, anyway
this is what I call
a big haul.
I love gas.
I love gas, you love gas.
Everybody's got gas.
Do you realize
that we have successfully
launched a gas attack
which no army
has accomplished
since World War I.
I'd follow you through
this kind of combat, anytime.
Hey, why don't we
declare war on a bank?
War?
Wars have been lost
because commanders
have chosen the wrong time
and place to fight.
I shall pick
the proper battleground for us.
[coughing]
Now, if anyone saw anything
out of the ordinary.
Please, speak up.
Sir.
Sir, look, I-I know this
is gonna sound crazy.
Yeah.
But I can swear I saw
a couple ofmonsters.
They were sitting
right back there.
They had big round glassy eyes
with the big fat snouts.
And the snouts,
they were like..
they were like,
tin cans.
I wish I had a stenographer
to get this accurately.
This is a major break
in the case.
Glass eyes and metal snouts.
There's nothing
like a positive identification.
I'll put out an all-points
bulletin right away.
Glass eyes and metal snouts.
How come you haven't pumped her
in the stomach so far?
Because we're not treating her
for food poisoning
it's the respiratory system.
They're suffering
from gas poisoning.
You mean the kind in here?
I mean the kind you fellows use
for riot control, uh..
...an incapacitator.
Sir, could it be that you
didn't actually see monsters?
Could it be that
you saw gas masks?
Round glass eyes
and a tin snout.
- Hmm?
- Definitelymonsters.
Colonel Lockyer will be
with you in a minute.
- Please be seated.
- Thank you.
[distant chanting]
[door opens]
- Morning, sir.
- Morning, colonel.
I'm Detective Sgt. Poultry.
Nice to see you.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
Well, what can
I do for you, sir?
Colonel, there's a case
I'm working on.
Night before last,
a Salt Lake City restaurant
was robbed of payroll
and proceeds.
Customers and personnel
were overcome
by what doctors describe
as a form of poison gas.
No-no, don't say poison.
That sounds terrible.
Well, according to a description
by a bad witness
the job was pulled off
by two men wearing gas masks.
- Gas masks?
- 'Mm-hmm.'
The gas was colorless, odorless
tasteless, invisible.
'All of a sudden,
people started'
'sort of losing
their coordination.'
'Shaking, trembling,
passing out.'
Remarkable.
What about casualty recovery?
- A hundred percent.
- Ooh, bravo!
That's sound like a
tactically perfect operation.
I'd put those men up
for a special citation.
I'd like to give them
a citation too.
That's why I need your help.
Colonel, can we start
with the list of your men
who had passes that night?
Detective Sgt. Poultry.
Every time some civilian
walks through the street
with smelly feet
we're accused of letting go,
with some poison gas.
[intense music]
That's it.
Uh-huh.
There's a bank down there?
There's two banks
down there.
Two! Mmm, nice to have a choice.
We take them both.
How are we gonna do that?
By launching a gas attack
on the entire city.
[dramatic music]
Listen, what I wanna know
is where are all the cops
gonna be while
we're robbing the joint?
All over. Either
unconscious or sick
they should
be absolutely defenseless.
We oughta be able to walk in
and walk right out again.
Well, uh, you think
maybe we oughta go in
and cash a big billion
to case the joint?
Sure.
Yeah.
You, uh, you got
any money on you?
[Dudley coughs]
Good morning.
[coughing]
[wheezing]
I want a change of $20.
- Are you alright?
- Yes, yes.
Can I help you, sir?
Glass of water, please.
[coughing]
Okay.
Okay, now I've got everything
up to this point.
But what I wanna know is, how
the hell are we gonna attack
the whole city?
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
(Chops)
'Kill many bugs today?'
Yeah.
Thousands.
Maybe, a million.
Maybe millions.
Beautiful.
Now, aren't you gonna
ask me about, uh..
the poison that is gonna
be consumed by the people
who eat the crop,
that I dusted?
Well, we're not really
interested in knowing that.
Aren't you a couple of 'em
organic food freaks?
No, not us.
We eat anything.
And in lousy restaurants, too.
(Dudley)
'We happened to see you dusting'
'a field a few miles
from here.'
It was just great.
I especially love
the way you,pull up
before the end
of each round.
That's great.
No, no, we're not here
to criticize you.
We're your fans.
Oh.
Well, uh..
Thanks.
Gee, you know, I'm sorry
I jumped down on you.
You know, but..
I tell ya, I'm so used to those
organic ecology freaks
coming around here jeering me.
You know, they picketed
my runway one day.
Signs, and all.
It didn't stop me.
When I do a job
I do a job.
I mean, I never overlap a row.
I'm always correct, precise,
and on target, gentlemen.
That's our man.
Yeah.
[laughing]
Name's Dusty.
Guess, you wonder where I got
that nickname from, eh.
I'll have to think about that.
Uh, Dusty, I'm George Smith.
This is my associate
John Jones.
Hey, Dusty.
Guess how we got our names.
[laughing]
All kidding aside, Dusty
uh, we're executives
for "Killz-All" products.
A subsidiary of
one of the nation's
leading chemical houses.
- Insecticides, pesticides.
- Bed bugs, roaches.
- 'Herbicide.'
- And Silverfish too.
We've landed a whopping
new contract.
A lot of money to it.
(Dudley)
'From the city of Tuela'
'we are gonna spray
the whole city'
'with a newly developed
insecticide.'
'It'll be a one shot
all-purpose deal'
'and we want you.'
Well, we'll give you
a cash retainer now
'and I'd like to check out
your airplane'
'to see what modifications
might be necessary'
which, naturally, we'll pay for.
Oh, cash.
Uh, uh..
You could paint, uh, "Killz-All"
all over the wings
and the fuselage.
Uh, if you wanna.
I mean, it's good advertising.
It's a wonderful idea.
That.. we'll pay extra
for that too.
I think we better take that up
with our Advertising Manager.
No, I don't think
he's gonna like that.
I mean, he goes for jingles.
[metal thunks]
Come back again in two weeks.
Cancel it.
I'm leaving town.
Oh?
When?
In about a week..
...for permanent.
Are you telling me
that this is the last time
I'm gonna see you?
I'm afraid so.
I'm gonna be very busy.
Very busy?
Busy at what?
Doing a lot of things.
Working.
Planning on how to make good use
out of my practical knowledge.
You'd be proud of me if you knew
the extent of my activities.
I've always been proud of you.
Please, don't
say things like that.
It's hard enough
to say goodbye.
Well, then,
don't say goodbye.
Look, I love you,
I believe in you.
You don't have anything
to prove to me.
We have a future together
if you want it.
Look, I know you have
more to offer me
than anything I could plan.
I'm just committed and I have
to follow through with that.
[door opens]
See all these bombs
under my ship?
Reminds me of World War II.
Oh, I can't wait until
I get over the target.
Gives me chills.
Oh, how come all these tanks
are from the army?
Oh, it's part of a
big surplus deal we made.
We haven't had a chance
to repaint them
and put our own trademark art.
Yeah, you see, our trademark
is a roach lying on it's back
with it's legs going like that.
What's this?
This is to protect you from
the insecticides, just in case.
You're gonna have to wear
a gas mask too. Strict rules.
Ow!
Company policy.
We take every precaution.
It'll give you immunity,
in case you have any problems.
Now, here's the balance
of your payment.
If you'd just
sign this receipt.
I like doing business
with you fellas.
Don't worry, there'll be more.
The war has only just started.
Right.
Tally-ho.
Tally-ho.
Chops, don't forget
to set the timers.
Oh, yeah.
(Chops)
'Are you sure this will
cut off Tuela?'
Stop worrying.
It's just two roads
to Tuela, right?
- Let's get to the other one.
- Right.
[tires screeching]
[timer ticking]
All set, Dudley.
Finished over here.
That's it. They're set
to go off
in sequence
every 15 minutes.
It should make
the road impassable
for at least two hours.
Oh, well.
Nobody's ever pulled off
a job like this.
Well, I hope it
makes you a big man
in Sing Sing,
if that's what you want.
[Chops laughing]
(Chops)
'Are you kidding? It'll make me
a big man in any prison.'
'I can't lose.'
[timer ticking]
[airplane engine droning]
* There's nothing that can
wake me like the ol' wild blue *
* Especially when I got a job *
* Killing bugs to do *
* So make some room and watch
this black boy fly *
* All you little bugs *
* You rotten little bugs *
* If you take a whiff
you go die **
Well, this is it.
Good luck, Chops.
[sniffs]
Yeah. Good luck, Dud.
[wincing]
Listen, I don't wanna
get sentimental, but..
I just want you to know
that if it wasn't for you..
...I'd be getting a hernia
heisting TV sets.
Look, Chops,
you have given me ambition.
A reason to live,
a chance to prove myself.
I almost feel like a..
...human being again.
Over the top.
Yeah.
Over the top.
Did you go to the bathroom?
- Oh.
- You forgot?
I'm too nervous.
[timer ticking]
[intense music]
[timer ticking]
Perfect timing, right?
[car engine revving]
[tires screeching]
- It works.
- Of course, it works.
(Dusty)
'Well, that's my signal.'
Over target.
(Dusty)
'Come on, mother.'
'Let's sell that bug juice.'
'Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones'
'are gonna learn'
'just what precision
is all about.'
''Cause here come
The Fumigator.'
[airplane engine droning]
Let's go.
(Dusty)
'Take this, you ecology freaks.'
'I'm spraying this shit
on everything that tweeks.'
[pedestrians coughing]
[telephone ringing]
[dramatic music]
[coughing continues]
[sirens wailing]
- What's goin' on here?
- I don't know.
Must be spraying for insects
or something, there's a..
...pile of it all
over the road down here.
[coughing]
State five to Tuela PD.
'State five to Tuela PD.'
Tue PD to State five.
We weren't notified you were
delousing the city today.
The only time we delouse
this city is on Election Day.
'Then what's that white stuff'
'that airplane's spraying
all over the city.'
(Tuela PD)
'What airplane?'
(Tuela PD)
'What white stuff?'
[aircraft engine droning]
[coughing and wheezing]
Tue PD, Tue..
'...feel dizzy..'
[switches flicked]
State five to zero zero.
State five to zero zero.
(female over radio)
'Zero zero to State five. Over.'
(State five)
'This aircraft's layin' a cloud
of white mist or something'
'all over the city.'
'Police radio is out.'
'The last thing they said'
'it was making everybody dizzy.'
This is
Detective Sergeant Poultry.
What is this white mist
you're talkin' about?
Officer, it's some kind of cloud
this airplane's
layin' all over Tuela.
There's a big yellow cloud
of it up here on the hill.
We can't get through it.
- What is your location?
- Couple of miles east Tuela.
(Dudley)
This is incredible, Chop.
People's respiratory systems
'should neutralize the effects
of the gas within an hour.'
(Chops)
'Oh, wow, Dud,
look at that guy go.'
(Chops)
'Ha ha. It's like old times.'
[tires screeching]
(Dudley)
I hope these people don't
bruise themselves too badly.
Oh, come now!
You're putting me on.
[laughs]
Hey, hey, what is it?
Russian or Chinese?
Maybe it's from
outer space, huh?
I wouldn't kid you, Colonel.
You mean, there's an
honest to goodness gas attack?
And I'm sure it's the same guys
who pulled the restaurant job.
'I'm on my way there now.'
I'll mobilize a special unit.
And an attack force.
We'll be rolling in five
minutes. See you there.
[comical music]
(Dudley)
Folks, folks,
we're medical men.
We're here to help you.
- 'Let's go!'
- Come here, come here.
(Dudley)
Come here. Swallow this.
(Dudley)
You'll be alright.
- For cryin' out loud!
- Bye.
(Chops)
This is not time to play
Florence Nightingale.
[tires screeching]
[bugle call]
- Hut!
- Oh, let's go, let's go.
- Let's go!
- Get your vehicles rollin'!
Get movin',
it's a sneak attack!
'Start your engines.'
Go, go, go, go!
Let's go!
[indistinct chatter]
[honking]
[clamor]
Oh, no!
Come on..
get your wheels movin'.
'I'm goin', I'm goin'.'
[indistinct shouting]
'Don't bump me!
Oh, shit.'
What's wrong, goddamn it?
Alright, let's go,
let's go, let's go.
Get your vehicles movin'.
Get movin',
it's a sneak attack.
Go, go, go, go!
Let's go!
Coming, sir.
Uh, my zipper's caught.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on!
Hurry up!
Move it!
(Lockyer)
What the hell
is that duck doin' here?
Get it the hell out of here!
We're not going to the beach!
Sheesh.
Get this vehicle
out of here. Move it.
Let's move out! Move out!
[blowing whistle]
(Lockyer)
Get that civilian
jalopy off the road.
(Lockyer)
Military vehicles
have the right of way.
Who do you
think you are?
[Lockyer shouting]
(Lockyer)
Get off the road!
[siren wailing]
(Chops)
Now remember, Dud,
this is my department.
Don't worry about nothin'.
Okay? Now just remember,
urgency, urgency.
(Chops)
We go in there, get the loot,
and get the hell out fast.
- Alright?
- Alright.
(Chops)
Now, wait a minute,
don't go in. Wait for me.
Now, Dudley, look.
The bank dick.
How come he's not gassed?
He's stuck in an air pocket
between the two doors.
The gas hasn't
gotten to him yet.
Yeah, but he's seen us.
He's gonna ruin everything.
That bastard will squeal on us.
Look, there's no way
that he can identify us.
What we have to do
is get the doors open
so the gas will
get to him and knock him out.
Open up. Open up.
Who are you?
What do you want?
We're from the gas company.
Yeah and we came
to fix your leak.
We have to do it right away.
Yeah, we think the
leak is in the vault.
I haven't got a mask.
It's okay. We're fast workers.
You don't need a mask.
(Dudley)
Just hurry up, open the door
before it's too late.
- Come on.
- Terrific.
Attaboy.
You're a good man.
Breathe deeply.
[all coughing]
(Dudley)
The vault's over there.
(Dudley)
Ladies and gentlemen, stay calm.
(Dudley)
This is just a rehearsal.
(Chops)
My money!
(Dudley)
'Calm, cool and collected.'
- We did it. We did it.
- Swallow this.
(Dudley)
Compliments of the gas company.
Didn't I tell
you I knew my craft?
Nobody would give me any credit.
- Yeah!
- We did it!
We robbed two banks
within minutes of each other.
It's a first.
Nobody will ever believe it.
When I woke up this morning
I was a nobody,
and now look at me.
Wait till I tell the guys
at Attica and-and Leavenworth.
(Chops)
I'll be a star.
They'll put me in a library.
I'm very happy for you.
Oh! My helmet.
[siren wailing]
[door opens]
[people coughing]
[coughing]
[airplane engine droning]
(Lockyer)
Prepare to sling masks.
Prepare to sling mask.
(Lockyer)
Defuse that bomb..
[blowing whistle]
'Defuse that bomb.
On the double.'
Get those civilians to the rear.
This is it. Let's go. Let's go.
(Lockyer)
Get those vehicles
out of here. Get 'em back.
Come on, get out, girls.
Come on.
Move it.
(Lockyer)
Get 'em out,
get 'em out, move it out.
Turn the vehicle around.
- Let's go.
- Let's move, let's move.
- Come on.
- On the double, men.
On the double, on the double.
Lieutenant, lieutenant,
bring the glasses quickly.
[dramatic music]
[dramatic music]
The town's under siege.
- Men! Attention, men.
- Colonel?
The city of Tuela
is under siege.
For the first time
in almost 60 years
a gas attack has been carried
out against a populated area.
Colonel?
Evacuate that casualty.
When we move down
into that no man's land
remember, the eyes..
the eyes of the War Department,
the Department of the Army
the joint Chiefs of Staff and
hopefully some local TV station
will be on us.
Today, men, on this battlefield
we will prove the
cause of chemical warfare.
Colonel, if you've finished
with The Gettysburg Address
can we step on the gas?
This town is being looted.
Right! Decon unit forward.
Decon unit, let's go.
Let's get that pressure on.
Move it, move it.
Let's move it.
That's it, we're coming through.
Come on, on the double.
That's it, stop here.
Right over there.
(Dusty)
'All through for the day.'
'So you bugs can go
on your dead ass way.'
'What's all that movin'
around down there?'
'I'd better go down
and see what's happenin'.'
Sir! Unidentified aircraft
approaching at 2 o'clock.
Range 2600, give or take
a couple of hundred yards.
It's a surplus primary trainer.
'And the thing's
hanging under the wings.'
It's the army.
What the hell
is going on down there?
We're under attack!
Take cover.
Take cover. Take cover.
[military music]
- Prepare for air attack.
- Prepare for air attack.
'What the hell all
those folks runnin' around for?'
'Must be an accident.'
- Commence firing.
- Commence firing.
[gunshots]
What you shootin' me for?
[gunshots]
- Run for your lives!
- Run for your lives.
What the hell
kind of a command is that?
'Run for your lives.'
[explosion]
- Sling masks!
- Sling masks.
- 'Sling masks.'
- Sling masks.
- Sling masks!
- Sling mask.
Sling what?
- Sling masks!
- Where's your mask?
I lost it at the
last peace demonstration.
Sergeant, get him a mask.
Yes, sir.
Decon unit! On that farm.
'Decon unit, on that farm!'
'On the double out there.'
(Lockyer)
Get rid of that cloud.
'Defuse that cloud.'
'Hustle it up, men.'
- Casualties!
- Casualties!
(Lockyer)
'Get those casualties
into the hospital, men.'
You'll be okay.
(Lockyer)
This is war! Not maneuvers.
Hustle it up, men.
- Unsling masks!
- Unsling masks.
- 'Unsling masks.'
- 'Unsling masks.'
Unsling mask!
Unsling mask.
Well, this mask
is making me sick!
Keep your mask on until
we get past the road block.
It's a green van.
[coughs]
A green van.
Heading south.
Sir, the road ahead is clear.
I have a report that the enemy
is headed this way
in a green van.
Let's move out!
Move out!
[blows whistle]
- Hut!
- Move out!
Move out!
[blows whistle]
Let's get rolling, men.
- Forward, ho!
- Hey, wait for me.
Forward, ho!
[jeep sputters]
(Chops)
'Hey, Dud, look,
the army!'
Hey, that's my old outfit.
(Dudley)
There's Scottie!
Hold it! Hold it! Fall back!
Turn around! Turn around!
[blowing whistle]
Turn around. Turn around.
[indistinct chatter]
[blowing whistles]
[indistinct chatter]
What's going on here?
Fall in! Defensive formation.
Vehicle, fall in!
The town is being ripped off.
[engine revving]
Uh-oh, we're in trouble, Dud.
(Chops)
'They're on our tail.'
'Alright, now, don't panic.
Don't get panicky.'
'Now, this is what
we're gonna do.'
We stop the van, we get out with
our hands up high, very high.
Or behind your head.
Which ever you prefer.
We lie down on the ground
and let them take
it from there.
Okay?
Soldiers
don't surrender that way.
Well, you surrender your way,
I'm gonna surrender mine.
- Come on, step on it.
- What are you doing?
Come on, just keep
your foot on the gas.
You'll get out of this.
(Chops)
'Dudley, let me surrender.'
(Dudley)
'Turn, turn, turn.'
Follow left!
Ho-ho!
[bugle call]
That's Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones.
'I wonder why the Army
is chasing them?'
- Now, what are you doing?
- I've got an idea.
You head into that canyon.
I got something
that'll stop 'em.
'I hope you know
what you're doing.'
[instrumental music]
Smoke screen.
[music continues]
Pull up! Pull up!
[coughing]
Call 'em halt!
- Back up!
- Yes, sir.
[blowing whistle]
Retreat!
I didn't say "Retreat".
- I said back up!
- Sorry, sir.
Alright, just back up!
Deploy on the left flank.
[coughing]
I'm gassed. I'm gassed.
Colonel, am I gassed?
No, no. Not yet.
[coughing]
[metal clanking]
(Chops)
'Dudley, we're trapped.'
Oh, we're trapped!
'Our backs are to the wall.
There's no way out.'
It's gonna be
a classic surrender.
Yeah, well,
I will never surrender.
They'll have to capture
me first.
So, let them catch you.
I'm fed up with this shit.
Hey, come on, give me a hand.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna lay a smoke screen.
It'll give us more time.
[sighing]
Yeah, well, that's all
they're gonna get.
Lots of time.
This is
our most defensible position.
I'd rather be under the truck.
It won't work.
You sit one
of them down over there.
Dudley, I think the gas
has affected your brain.
- Over there.
- Over here?
Yeah, right over there.
[panting]
I have the right
to remain silent.
I have the right to be
represented by counsel.
And I have the right
to appear before a magistrate.
[horn honking]
[blowing whistle]
[explosion]
[explosion]
(Lockyer)
'He's up there waiting for me.'
Waiting for me
to make the first move.
Alright, I'll fool him.
I'm gonna make
my second move first.
'Prepare for a mortar attack.'
[indistinct chatter]
Prepare for muzzle
mortar attack!
Get out of that vehicle!
Come on, out!
Get out of that truck!
[indistinct chatter]
[blowing whistle]
Alright, zero in
up on that area up there.
Yes, sir.
[engine revving]
Dudley, here comes
the pride of kill zone!
[instrumental music]
What is he doing coming here?
Go back!
Go back!
Oh-ho, that's all we need.
The schmuck is gonna gas us.
Get out of here, Dusty!
Go back!
Dusty, go back!
You're not supposed
to land here now.
We're under attack.
Go back, Dusty!
Dusty, get the plane
back up in the air.
- Dusty, get out of here!
- Get out of here, Dusty.
Gentleman, there are lot of
details I can't piece together.
Like did we do
such a good job over Tooele
that the army wants us to help
them with the maneuvers?
I mean is that a clear
representation
of what I saw from the air?
Yeah, that's fair, Dusty.
But get it up!
Then why did they shoot
holes in my wings?
'Well, you see there's a lot
of top secret classified'
equipment
in this operation, right.
And the army got a little,
uh, sensitive about it. Okay?
Oh! But, y-you're pleased
with my work?
'Oh, you deserves
an oak leaf cluster, Dusty.'
Will you give him
a fig leaf and tell him
to get the hell
out of here already.
Get the plane up.
Now, wait a minute.
Sir, mortar unit ready
to receive range
and type of projectile
information.
Good.
- Wind, nine mile..
- Geez! Don't ever do that.
Use the wind instrument.
Stop showing off.
[instrumental music]
On target, sir.
I don't see a thing.
Very good.
We're using
a new nerves gas, GZS II.
It penetrates the gas mask
but it doesn't kill.
You sure I can't work
with you in this job?
Yeah, I'm sure.
It's just not your thing.
Next time, we'll all be
together. Alright?
Wait a second. Wait a minute.
I wanna give you
something to pay for the..
...the holes in your wings.
- Just wait a minute.
- What?
Pay him?
What do you mean "Pay him?"
Fire for effect.
Command, sergeant.
[blows whistle]
Here, this will take
care of everything.
Now, get out of here!
[explosion]
I'm getting
the hell out of here.
[explosion]
Oh! GZS II.
I got the antidote.
Chops!
- Chops!
- I'm here.
Hands against the van,
feet spread apart.
Here, take this pill.
It'll make you immune.
- What?
- And put your gas mask on.
[explosion]
Oh, shit.
Where you going?
Stay where you are.
Dusty!
Dusty!
Here, take one of these.
And put your gas mask on.
This is part of the maneuver.
[explosion]
I got an idea.
Dusty, you can work
with us in this job.
I'm with you.
What do you want me to do?
Cease fire!
Cease fire!
[indistinct chatter]
Prepare to advance
through a smoke screen.
Forward march!
Wing masks! Forward march.
[indistinct]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[blowing whistle]
Over the top, men.
Which top?
Top of the hill, I guess.
[engine revving]
[music continues]
Fish tail it
back and forth like that.
So we cover everything.
- 'How am I doing?'
- That's great.
You make beautiful wind.
'Ha ha ha.
Look at that.'
[Dudley laughing]
Hold it!
Hey, we've got a team.
What a team!
I had the same idea.
You're terrific.
[music continues]
Damn civilians,
always in the way.
Is that man retreating?
You're damn right.
GZS II.
You gave us
the wrong wind direction.
No, sir. They must be
blowing it back at our faces.
Am I gassed?
- Am I gassed?
- You are now.
And so am I.
[groaning]
- We've beaten them, Chops.
- Yeah.
Look at that. Look at that.
We can walk right through 'em.
Why walk...when we can fly?
[laughing]
Yeah!
Dusty, how'd you like
to do a job with us in Mexico?
Yeah, it's infested down there.
Okay.
Here, take this.
How do we do this now?
Hey, look...you hang on
to one wing.
You hang on to the other.
Okay.
Hang out my ass,
where is my parachute?
Alright, let's go.
[engine revving]
Don't worry, I'll get this old
mother off the ground!
Oh, my god, I can't believe it.
Hallelujah!
Dusty, let me off.
Something wonderful is happening
and I need a medical opinion.
What's the matter?
You're gettin' shot?
No. Something just came up.
Understand?
I'll see you in Mexico.
Scottie..
Scottie..
Where are you?
Scottie.
Scottie.
Where are you?
Scottie.
Scottie.
Scottie.
[coughing]
Scottie.
- Scottie.
- You! You robbed that town.
Yeah, yeah, but that's
not the point, now.
Scottie, I have to see you
privately right away.
Scottie, everything
we ever dreamed
about is coming true right now.
Ooh!
Quick! In the Med-Evac unit.
Ooh.
Wait a minute!
What am I doing?
Look, you were sensational.
But what you did was wrong.
Oh, God please, don't start
moralizing in a time like this.
Will you?
I'm not going
in there until you promise
to give back the money.
I mean it.
As much as I want you.
Boy, this is gonna go
down as the most
expensive bang in history.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Anything you say. Okay.
'Okay, let's go.'
Whoo! Come on.
I think it was the combination
of GZS II and the antidote.
Dudley, shut up.
Oh, my God.
May I help you with your pants?
Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
Do you have to take that off?
Just get your pants down.
I know, I know, I know.
Hey, there you go.
Wait. My boots..
No, leave your boots on.
[Scottie moaning]
[instrumental music]
[door squeaking]
Ooh!
[chuckling]
I'll see you in Mexico.
I'll be there.
[tongue clicking]
Ooh.
[chuckling]
Ooh.
Keep the money.
- Um-hmm?
- Hm.
[instrumental music]
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
Colonel.
You can cancel that six
percent disability, sir.
From my dead dick.
* There's nothing in the world *
* That can't be done *
* No war in the world *
* That can't be won *
* You can cut your problems *
* Right in half *
* If you do it
without the army *
* And the joint *
* Chiefs *
* Of staff *
* You'll find
you've more than got *
* A fighting chance *
* If you don't report them *
* In advance *
* No way you can lose *
* And life's a laugh *
* If you do it
without the army *
* And the joint *
* Chiefs *
* Of staff *
* To succeed *
* To succeed *
* The cooperation
is the main thing *
* You don't need *
* They will seek your name *
* And autograph *
* If you do it
without the army *
* And the joint *
* Chiefs *
* Of staff *
* Hip hurrah *
* Hip hurrah *
* If you come a blame *
* You simply blame the CIA *
* You can take
the foul ups and the gap *
* If you simply carry on *
* Without the Pentagon *
* If you do it
without the army *
* And your joint *
* Chiefs *
* Of staff **
Attention!
Sit.
Good morning, gentlemen.
You men have been
carefully chosen
from many applicants
to advance your careers
in this top security
highly classified
and totally misunderstood
Department of the United States
Defense's effort.
You have all successfully
and without fear
of the unknown..
...courageously..
...subjected yourselves to tests
A common cold, polio,
diphtheria, the Hong-Kong flu
Montezuma's revenge, dysentery.
Oh, I can go on
and on and on.
Today you're moving up.
Graduating to a new level
in your careers.
The opportunity
to be part of the test
of chemical warfare's
newest gas developments.
You'll be able to prove..
[airplanes swooshing]
...Department of Defense
United States Army
Joint Chiefs of..
[swooshing]
[sighs]
That damned Air Force.
You are going to help prove to
the Department of the Defense
the United States Army,
the Joint Chiefs of Staffs
to the entire world..
...that we, the Chemical Corp
are the champions of
the only form of humane warfare.
We don't want to kill the enemy.
We just want to
make him a little sick.
Now, I want you to meet..
...a soldier of soldiers,
pride of the Chemical Corp.
This man has given
15 years of dedicated
unselfish, loyal service
to humanity.
Private Dudley Frapper.
[clapping]
[applause]
It is indeed a privilege
and a great honor to serve you
the United States Armed Forces
and our country, sir.
[applause]
And today, this man..
...will be the first
to participate
in the testing of the newest
and the most effective
gas ever created.
GZS-II.
Which some
irresponsible journalists
have already sarcastically
named"The Red Death."
But what we in
chemical warfare would prefer
to call"Happy Dreams."
So, today, Private Frapper
will once again
make his contribution.
'A giant contribution
to peace for all mankind.'
[applause]
[bangs]
[comical music]
[music continues]
[airplane swooshing]
[music continues]
[man sighing]
'Isn't that wonderful?
Look at that, it's perfect.'
- 'Perfect!'
- 'This is not to smile at.'
I'm smiling because
the test is a success.
It is not.
He should have
lost motor control
by the time he reached
the outer circle.
- He did!
- He did not.
I want another test.
Alright.
Frapper will be
ready in two days.
I don't know about Frapper.
He's getting
chemically imbalanced.
Developing certain immunities.
He doesn't look immune to me.
[Dudley groaning]
[coughing]
Excuse me, sir.
Then I, I lost..
...control of my elbow joints.
Couldn't raise my arms.
My knees went next.
[indistinct]
I was nauseous.
- Choking.
- Excellent.
'My vision was
all blurry, minimum.'
My nose was running.
[coughs]
You haven't eaten, private.
No appetite, ma'am.
Appetite is unimportant.
This is part of the chemical
experiment. Now eat.
My taste buds are shot.
Everything tastes
the same, flat.
Your vision was impaired,
partially blurring?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I was nearly unconscious.
And my body was twitching.
And then..
...a very peculiar
thing happened, sir.
- I got an erection.
- 'Good man.'
(Dudley)
'I-I haven't had any
one of those for two years'
due to the decontamination.
- Scrub team noticed it?
- I don't know.
Let me see if it's here.
What do you think
caused that, sir?
Well, that gas probably affected
your involuntary muscles
which controls
your blood vessels.
So, on a.. the condition
you described to me
was just a pack of
spongy tissue, that's all.
Spongy tissue?
[wheezing]
- Colonel Sir.
- How is Frapper?
Well? Good progress.
- Thank you, sir.
- Colonel.
Well, I hope his condition
is satisfactory?
Can we gas him tomorrow?
He's gas-able.
Uh-huh.
Sir.
I recommend that
Private Frapper not be used
for any test proboscis
for at least two weeks.
Give him a chance
to build up his strength.
Well, I suppose
we'll let Private Frapper
then decide when he's ready.
How did the...the film
on GZS test go, sir?
I loved it. I loved it.
He's the cream of
the Chemical Corp.
(Dudley)
'Oh, thank you, sir.
I love my work.'
It's challenging--
Now you talk about challenge.
There's another
experiment I need you on.
The new nerve gas variation.
The Pinto model?
Gran Torino.
Wow! I can..
...hardly wait to..
[wheezing]
...try that one, sir.
- Dudley. What do you say?
- Hey, there, Chops.
I didn't know
you were with me on this.
Yeah. How about that?
I thought you preferred
the bacterial archidose.
I...no,
I got sick and tired
of having the bubonic plague
all the time, you know.
What the hell is all this shit?
Oh, it's a combination
of a mustard gas
and a new nerve agent.
[ringing]
This is the skin test.
Oh.
[whirring]
[groans]
[whirring]
Oh.
[Dudley screams]
They're running
dysentery over in lab 12.
You should've
volunteered for it.
Oh, no kidding.
I didn't know that.
Damn it.
[groaning]
I'd love the dysentery test,
you know?
But, uh, the colonel
said that if I did this one
it would, uh, you know
speed up my, speed up my
speed up my p-parole.
Never did ask you
why they put you in prison?
Armed robbery.
'How much time did you get?'
Uh-uh, seven, seven the ten.
If they let me go
after this one
it'll mean I served four.
I sprained his neck.
What you think he'll do
when you get out?
I don't know.
How much longer are
you-you gonna be
in the army?
I've done 15 years already.
Another five, I'm eligible
to my retirement.
You-you, you gonna put up
this shit five more years?
More actually, you see..
I'm-I'm, I intend to be
a thirty-thirty year man.
Um, no..
It must be nice to be able
to...plan your life that away.
The army's been very good to me.
[mumbling]
Gives me a sense ofsecurity.
[mumbling]
Security?
You gotta be...
out of your freaking mind.
Think of..
[mumbling]
[groaning]
What kind of future is this?
Think of it..
...as acontribution
topeace
in theworld.
[comical music]
Order number one!
Ready!
Load!
Fire!
[explosion]
'Order number two.'
'Ready!'
'Load!'
'Fire!'
[explosion]
'Order number three.'
'Ready! Load!'
'Fire!'
[explosion]
[comical music]
(male #1)
'Shouldn't have been tipping
yet. The mask is defective.'
(male #2)
'It's not the mask,
it's Dudley Frapper.'
'He's ruining my tests.'
He's too unstable.
Frapper is stable.
I want him out
of the chemical program.
Now, he can cause millions
of dollars worth of mistakes.
Frapper does not
make mistakes.
Do you want to take
the responsibility?
Eh.
[groaning]
- Discharge?
- 'For medical reasons.'
What do you mean
medical re-reasons..
...sir?
Here's the medical report.
Reads like the kindest thing we
could do for you
would be
to put you to sleep.
But, sir, I don't
want a discharge.
I wish the Chemical Corps
had a thousand more like you.
[wheezing]
Only healthy.
Sir, transfer me
into another branch.
The Green Berets.
Frapper, when you are out,
you are out.
Out of the entire army.
Sir, I'm-I'm, I'm due for
my pension in five years, sir.
[grunts]
Couldn't you find me
a job on the base?
Anything, so I can hang around
for another five years.
The army, Frapper, is not
a place to hang around.
[coughing]
[Frapper wheezing]
[coughs]
Look, on the positive side..
Don't overlook
the tremendous contribution
you've made to this program.
You got any idea how many mice
and rats, birds, uh, guinea pigs
rabbits, monkeys, beagles..
...have been spared
because of you?
I couldn't even
approximate, sir.
The army doesn't approximate.
The army knows exactly.
And the army
shows it's appreciation
by taking care of it's own.
You may not be
getting a pension
but you're getting
something better.
Disability payments.
[clears throat]
I never..
...thought of myself
as being disabled, sir.
Then think disabled!
The adjudication committee
ruled you 30 percent disabled.
Every month
Dr. Sam is gonna
send you a whopping
cheque for $77.
That isn't very much, sir.
Frapper..
...you like spaghetti?
- I used to, sir.
- Mm-hmm.
Won't $77 each month
buy you one
hell of a lot of spaghetti?
More than I need, sir.
Get yourself a job,
the 77 is marinara sauce.
Sir, my 30 percent disability
takes into account
impaired vision, hearing, lungs.
- 'Things like that.'
- That's correct.
But does it take into
consideration my hair-loss, sir?
I don't see how
a couples of patches
of bare skull's
gonna disable you.
What I'm saying, sir,
is when I entered the service
I had a completely normal
healthy head of hair.
And due to service
connected activities
patches are falling out,
I have this permanent shock
I feel entitled to an additional
one percent disability.
Alright, the army will
provide you with GI-wig.
How about my loss
of appetite, sir?
Every food tastes the same.
How about one percent
for my taste buds?
Taste buds?
Hm.
Well, I have to
research that one.
It's due to biological
experiments, colonel.
I have suffered
from anthrax, malaria
blastomycosis,
cryptomycosis
'collar, glanders, rickets'
parrot fever, rabbit fever,
shingles, yellow jack, sheep--
'Okay, okay.'
Geez!
- How much you want for the lot?
- Twenty percent, sir.
I'm sure the navy
would give me twenty-five.
The army will give you ten.
Go fifteen.
Twelve is top.
You got yourself
a good deal, sir.
Alright, shall we add up
the package here?
Well, I have one more item, sir,
and it's a rather large one
which is not exactly
the best way to describe it.
What is the best way?
Impotent, sir.
What?
Impotence.
You oughta be ashamed
of yourself.
Trying to claim
a sexual disability!
I mean, if you had a shot off.
Or if you were a real stud
when you enlisted
I'd be the first to give you
a 100 percent disability.
For all I know, you're queer.
[Frapper wheezing]
Oh-oh-oh, I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Okay.
We'll accept it.
You had reasonable sexual
horse power when you enlisted
and somewhere along
the highway
of chemical and biological
warfare your crankshaft cracked.
So, put this package together,
uh, see what we got?
We're talking about..
...twelve percent
for that medley diseases.
One percent hair-loss.
Well, alright,
one for taste buds.
I'll give you..
...six for your dead dick.
'That's 20 percent.'
'And plus 30, that's up to
a grand total of 50 percent.'
That's a 149 smackers a month.
For a single guy?
Thank you, sir.
Uh, Frapper, how many times have
you been on the brink of death?
So many times, sir,
I stopped counting.
Uh-huh, and how many times
have we managed
to pull you out of it?
- A similar amount I think, sir.
- Uh-huh.
Personnel into the thousands.
Doctors, nurses,
decontamination crews
have saved your life
again and again and again.
Ad nauseam, you'd be
dead without them.
Frapper..
You owe us.
I agree, sir.
Your disability is hereby
readjusted to 40 percent
in their honor.
That's a $106 a month,
non-taxable.
Plus, permanent
out-patient status.
You'll be coming out on the base
every week for shots and study.
Plus, all medicine
and drugs.
Plus, burial allowances
and a grave-marker.
Plus, a GI-wig,
that will have every whore
in Salt Lake city
chasing after you.
Let's face it, soldier,
you've got it made.
[patriotic music]
Frapper..
I'm gonna miss you.
Oh, that's very gratifying, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Well, I'm gonna miss seeing
you out there, you know.
Out in the field and..
[laughs]
Well, a cloud of gas comes
and settles on you and you..
...you do that wonderful
little dance, you know.
[melancholic music]
Don't you feel
any bitterness?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess I'll know better
when I step outside the gates.
What kind of job
are you looking for?
Well, something
challenging and interesting.
I'm thinking of buying a van
and doing some hauling.
Well, I've got
a month's leave coming.
I hope you get settled.
Thanks, Scottie.
But I can handle that myself.
It was a terrific life.
I guess I am bitter.
What kind of work was it that
you did in the Chemical Corps?
Oh, it-it was
highly classified work.
I can't talk about it.
[wheezes]
Well, ah, if you want to find
the same kind of work here
you'll have to tell me
what it was.
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
My allegiance is to the US of A.
[wheezes]
'If you could just tell me
what openings you have'
I could tell you which one's..
[wheezes]
...I could fill.
[wheezes]
Why don't you fill out this
application form
over there at the table?
Over there?
[military music]
[grunting]
[coughing]
[Dudley mumbling]
[Dudley groaning]
What happened?
Jus-jus-just a slight ca-ca-case
of ma-ma-ma-malaria.
[groaning]
This is not my size.
You're hurting my little toe.
Please close your mouth.
[coughing]
Listen, you're spreading
germs all over the place.
Please cover your mouth.
[coughing]
Ooh...eh..
Let-let go.
- Shoo.
- It's over. It's okay.
[coughing]
[groaning]
(man on radio)
'This is KOSL FM,
Salt Lake City.'
["Now That We're In Love"]
* Now that we're in love *
* The world's a lovelier place *
* Now that we're in love *
* It has a smile
on it's face *
[engine revving]
* Every night *
* Each day is Valentine's Day *
Well done.
Take care of yourself.
And, uh, you'll have
to lay off dairy.
Dudley, one before breakfast
and one after dinner.
* You sigh and violins play *
* Now that you're *
Got to get
your case reviewed.
I mean, you
can't even hold a job.
They're going to pay
for what they've done to you.
Boy, guess they're more bitter
about this than me.
I've been on the verge
of death so many times
I learn to take it
as it comes.
Well, don't.
There's taking,
and then there's taking.
And they are taking
advantage of you.
If they don't give you
what you deserve
you mustdemandit.
Oh, you know me.
I'm not that kind of person.
* Shangri-La, Eden *
* Yes heaven and paradise too *
I have a pass
for this weekend.
And I'm gonna be bringing
something very special.
And I'm sure..
Lieutenant Hallam,
you're needed.
You're due for an upswing.
[knock on door]
(Dudley)
'Advance and be recognized!'
Oh!
Ooh!
You're recognized.
Guess what.
What?
Ta-dah!
- For me?
- For you.
N2O?
Nitrogen Monoxide?
L-laughing gas.
What's the matter?
My condition isn't funny enough?
"The Dental Journal"
says that in some cases
it stimulates
sexual hallucinations.
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
I don't want
a sexual hallucination.
I want a hard-on.
[moaning]
I sure miss those gases.
I just want you to relax.
Don't breathe
too heavily
or you'll pass out.
You didn't take any.
I don't wanna waste any on me.
Ooh-oo-ooh!
[chuckling]
Oh, it's goodie!
Ha ha ha! Oh.
Oh, if I could
just get it all together
I would give it..
...all...to you.
Please take some.
- Please.
- Alright.
'I'm so relaxed and loose'
I just want you to feel like me.
[laughing]
How much..
[chuckles]
...passionate now?
Passionate?
I am passionate.
God, honey, I got a hot
news flash for you.
I got news coming over the wire.
This stuff doesn't work.
This doesn't do nothing.
[chuckles]
[blows raspberry]
[laughing]
Aah!
Ah, I'm gonna-you..
...get some of this is in.
- Scottie, you..
- No.
...you get yourself
all gassed up too--
No, no.
Come on, come on, come on.
- No, I'm going to bed.
- Come on.
- Oh.
- Come on, come on.
No more. No!
No.
[chuckling]
I still love you.
[solemn music]
(Phil)
'Closin' up.'
Time for a fast one?
If you'll gulp it down.
Yeah.
Uh..
What do you have
for somebody who's, uh..
[wheezes]
...not supposed to drink?
I got a door and a steel toe
in my shoe.
Can I please have
a glass of water?
It's..
Drink up!
Okay.
[cash register dings]
Chops?
Chops.
Well, do you have to yell
my name so loud?
- How are you?
- I'm fine. Tops, tops.
Where's your uniform?
Oh, I'm out.
Medical discharge.
- You got a job?
- No.
You got one?
Yeah, well, sort of.
You glad you're out?
Sure.
Only thing is, I'm having
a little difficult time
trying to get myself
together, you know?
Yeah, I know the feeling.
I've been betrayed by the army
and rejected by civilian life
among other personal problems.
Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that, Dudley.
But look, I don't wanna
talk to you anymore.
Now, will you take off?
Why not?
Uh, in police terms,
there's a robbery in progress.
Are you a cop?
No, I'm the perpetrator.
Now, will you get outta here?
I don't want you
to get in any trouble.
Chops, don't do it.
I can't help it.
I'm all keyed up.
Hey, it's gulp time.
You too, Mac.
Don't make me throw you out.
Oh, why don't you shut up,
you big bully.
Who the hell do you
think you are, anyway?
- Don't.
- Huh?
You wanna throw me out
from over here?
Or you want me to jump over
so you can try to throw me
out from over there?
Decisions, decisions.
- Chops, don't.
- Na, don't worry about it.
He's gonna shit in his pants
when he sees this.
Alright, come on.
Face down on the ground.
Hands behind your head.
Wow! Look at that thing go.
That gun could have gone off.
It could have hurt somebody.
Don't you know
anything about guns?
- Now get out!
- I was only kidding.
What's the matter with you?
Don't be so stupid.
Sir, wait. He didn't mean that.
This man is an actor.
He's with the Royal Salt Lake
City Shakespeare Company.
And he's just getting
into his character for his role
in the "Merry Wives Of Windsor,"
which is a funny play.
'And it's dirty, it's dirty.'
Would you like some
passes for the wife and kids?
I just want one pass,
at his head.
Now, wait,
I was only kidding.
Look, he's telling you
the truth.
You see this guy Winsom..
Louie Winsom
from the Delancey Street.
Anyway, he's kind
of a Robin Hood, you know?
He's an ex-con
and he gets parole.
And he winds up in his barn,
where he meets
a lot of strange people.
'Anyway, he meets the servant
with a wife. I forget his name.'
Who introduces to
all the other wives.
And that's how they become
"The Merry Wives of Windsor."
[grunting]
- Yeah, yeah!
- Ow!
You hissing me
or blowing your schnoz.
[mumbles]
I was blowing my schnoz..
Wait a minute, why can't we
sit and talk this over?
Come on.
[laughing]
[laughing]
You silly ass.
[laughing]
Hissing me.
[laughing]
What the hell
are you doing?
Just telling my friend
blow his nose.
I'm gonna blow
his nose with this.
[all laughing]
[comical music]
You crazy guys!
[laughing]
Hissing me.
[laughing]
Crazy.
[mumbling]
[snoring]
What the hell is that stuff?
[mumbling]
Anesthetic, he'll wake up..
Oh, terrific.
[snoring continues]
What are you doing?
[laughs]
[cash register dings]
I'm completing
a very smooth robbery.
Oh!
Armed robbery.
[snoring]
Sixty three clams.
We made a killing.
Listen, you know?
I owe you.
Now, because
if it wasn't for you
that guy would
have messed me up.
So we're gonna split this.
Thirty-one for me.
Thirty-one for you. Okay?
And one dollar for the coffee,
donuts and a tip.
What.. well, come on.
Take it,
don't stare at it.
I mean, you need
it as bad as I do, right?
Right.
I'll never forget
that bartender's laugh
for the rest of my life.
[chuckles]
I can't wait to tell the guys
in San Quentin about this one.
Hope that's not too soon.
Hey, Dud. You think you can get
any more of that gas?
I can get anything
I wanted dug up.
You know, I-I was just thinking
that maybe we could pull
another job with it, you know?
Look at this.
But that's not really
the right gas, is it?
It just knocks out
one person at a time.
Well, how about a gas
that knocks out
a couple of people
at the same time?
It depends how fast
you wanna knock 'em out.
Well, knock 'em out fast.
I mean, the worse
that can happen
is they'd throw up, right?
I mean,
what's wrong with that?
You gotta know
what you're doing
when you're working with gas.
Dudley, you're talking
to a two-man operation here.
One handles the gas,
the other one handles the money.
I like it, it's beautiful,
it's perfect.
And it works.
Wait a minute. I'm a veteran.
I'm not a crook.
Oh, is that what
you think I am? A crook?
A guy who is gassed with you,
who is diseased with you.
I'm sorry. All I want to do
is an earn an honest living.
Of course you do
and so do I.
But they won't let you.
Dudley, Dudley,
the army is screwing you.
Everybody is screwing you.
So how about screwing
them back?
You're the second person
who said that to me.
I mean, we're not gonna mow 'em
down like Barney and Clyde.
We're just gonna hit 'em with
some poison gas, that's all.
Look, Dudley.
I know how you feel
about pleasin' humanity
and-and-and that-and that
chemical warfare shit.
But this will give
you a chance to prove it works.
Well, I wouldn't wanna see
anybody hurt
or permanently injured.
That's the beauty of gas.
No guns, no violence.
No guns, no violence?
Or else I won't do it.
Okay.
Non-violent crime has just
taken a big step forward.
Okay.
They were a couple
of sick-looking punks.
Oh, there's all kinds of sick.
Let's narrow it down.
Sick in the head,
or sick in the body?
Or is that too narrow for you?
Head. They were kinda crazy.
Oh, wait a minute.
There's a whole
wide range of crazy.
If I had an hour,
I could present you
with a whole list
of crazinesses.
Maybe you can
save me some time.
Everything they did
seemed funny.
Never laughed so hard
in my life.
Pair of jokers, huh?
Gonna put that through
the computer.
Hoods with a sense of humor.
Got pains in my chest
and side.
They roughed you up?
From laughing.
One of them was hissing me.
- Hissing?
- Yeah. Right in my ear.
What a silly guy.
Oh, hissing
is a whole other field.
So vast,
that it hasn't been explored.
Shall we?
Hiss.
Hiss.
No. Like this.
- Hiss.
- Hiss.
It ain't as funny
when you do it.
["Now That We're In Love"]
* Suddenly in Disneyland *
* Now that we're in love *
[dramatic music]
- All clear, George.
- Okay, Dudley.
[tires screeching]
[indistinct chatter]
[coughing]
[dramatic music]
[groans]
Service is lousy.
[dramatic music]
[coughing]
Hey, don't let anybody leave
without paying the check.
[coughing continues]
[whistling]
Come on, let's go, let's go.
(Chops)
'Twenty seven, twenty eight,
twenty nine, thirty'
'thirty one,
thirty twodollars!'
[laughing]
Hey, Dud.
How about this one
for a big number, huh?
Let's see, $5382.
Half of that comes to, half of
that comes to, uh, 5000..
I almost breathe some
of the gas in my lungs.
I wretched in my mask,
it felt good.
Uh, well-well, anyway
this is what I call
a big haul.
I love gas.
I love gas, you love gas.
Everybody's got gas.
Do you realize
that we have successfully
launched a gas attack
which no army
has accomplished
since World War I.
I'd follow you through
this kind of combat, anytime.
Hey, why don't we
declare war on a bank?
War?
Wars have been lost
because commanders
have chosen the wrong time
and place to fight.
I shall pick
the proper battleground for us.
[coughing]
Now, if anyone saw anything
out of the ordinary.
Please, speak up.
Sir.
Sir, look, I-I know this
is gonna sound crazy.
Yeah.
But I can swear I saw
a couple ofmonsters.
They were sitting
right back there.
They had big round glassy eyes
with the big fat snouts.
And the snouts,
they were like..
they were like,
tin cans.
I wish I had a stenographer
to get this accurately.
This is a major break
in the case.
Glass eyes and metal snouts.
There's nothing
like a positive identification.
I'll put out an all-points
bulletin right away.
Glass eyes and metal snouts.
How come you haven't pumped her
in the stomach so far?
Because we're not treating her
for food poisoning
it's the respiratory system.
They're suffering
from gas poisoning.
You mean the kind in here?
I mean the kind you fellows use
for riot control, uh..
...an incapacitator.
Sir, could it be that you
didn't actually see monsters?
Could it be that
you saw gas masks?
Round glass eyes
and a tin snout.
- Hmm?
- Definitelymonsters.
Colonel Lockyer will be
with you in a minute.
- Please be seated.
- Thank you.
[distant chanting]
[door opens]
- Morning, sir.
- Morning, colonel.
I'm Detective Sgt. Poultry.
Nice to see you.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.
Well, what can
I do for you, sir?
Colonel, there's a case
I'm working on.
Night before last,
a Salt Lake City restaurant
was robbed of payroll
and proceeds.
Customers and personnel
were overcome
by what doctors describe
as a form of poison gas.
No-no, don't say poison.
That sounds terrible.
Well, according to a description
by a bad witness
the job was pulled off
by two men wearing gas masks.
- Gas masks?
- 'Mm-hmm.'
The gas was colorless, odorless
tasteless, invisible.
'All of a sudden,
people started'
'sort of losing
their coordination.'
'Shaking, trembling,
passing out.'
Remarkable.
What about casualty recovery?
- A hundred percent.
- Ooh, bravo!
That's sound like a
tactically perfect operation.
I'd put those men up
for a special citation.
I'd like to give them
a citation too.
That's why I need your help.
Colonel, can we start
with the list of your men
who had passes that night?
Detective Sgt. Poultry.
Every time some civilian
walks through the street
with smelly feet
we're accused of letting go,
with some poison gas.
[intense music]
That's it.
Uh-huh.
There's a bank down there?
There's two banks
down there.
Two! Mmm, nice to have a choice.
We take them both.
How are we gonna do that?
By launching a gas attack
on the entire city.
[dramatic music]
Listen, what I wanna know
is where are all the cops
gonna be while
we're robbing the joint?
All over. Either
unconscious or sick
they should
be absolutely defenseless.
We oughta be able to walk in
and walk right out again.
Well, uh, you think
maybe we oughta go in
and cash a big billion
to case the joint?
Sure.
Yeah.
You, uh, you got
any money on you?
[Dudley coughs]
Good morning.
[coughing]
[wheezing]
I want a change of $20.
- Are you alright?
- Yes, yes.
Can I help you, sir?
Glass of water, please.
[coughing]
Okay.
Okay, now I've got everything
up to this point.
But what I wanna know is, how
the hell are we gonna attack
the whole city?
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
(Chops)
'Kill many bugs today?'
Yeah.
Thousands.
Maybe, a million.
Maybe millions.
Beautiful.
Now, aren't you gonna
ask me about, uh..
the poison that is gonna
be consumed by the people
who eat the crop,
that I dusted?
Well, we're not really
interested in knowing that.
Aren't you a couple of 'em
organic food freaks?
No, not us.
We eat anything.
And in lousy restaurants, too.
(Dudley)
'We happened to see you dusting'
'a field a few miles
from here.'
It was just great.
I especially love
the way you,pull up
before the end
of each round.
That's great.
No, no, we're not here
to criticize you.
We're your fans.
Oh.
Well, uh..
Thanks.
Gee, you know, I'm sorry
I jumped down on you.
You know, but..
I tell ya, I'm so used to those
organic ecology freaks
coming around here jeering me.
You know, they picketed
my runway one day.
Signs, and all.
It didn't stop me.
When I do a job
I do a job.
I mean, I never overlap a row.
I'm always correct, precise,
and on target, gentlemen.
That's our man.
Yeah.
[laughing]
Name's Dusty.
Guess, you wonder where I got
that nickname from, eh.
I'll have to think about that.
Uh, Dusty, I'm George Smith.
This is my associate
John Jones.
Hey, Dusty.
Guess how we got our names.
[laughing]
All kidding aside, Dusty
uh, we're executives
for "Killz-All" products.
A subsidiary of
one of the nation's
leading chemical houses.
- Insecticides, pesticides.
- Bed bugs, roaches.
- 'Herbicide.'
- And Silverfish too.
We've landed a whopping
new contract.
A lot of money to it.
(Dudley)
'From the city of Tuela'
'we are gonna spray
the whole city'
'with a newly developed
insecticide.'
'It'll be a one shot
all-purpose deal'
'and we want you.'
Well, we'll give you
a cash retainer now
'and I'd like to check out
your airplane'
'to see what modifications
might be necessary'
which, naturally, we'll pay for.
Oh, cash.
Uh, uh..
You could paint, uh, "Killz-All"
all over the wings
and the fuselage.
Uh, if you wanna.
I mean, it's good advertising.
It's a wonderful idea.
That.. we'll pay extra
for that too.
I think we better take that up
with our Advertising Manager.
No, I don't think
he's gonna like that.
I mean, he goes for jingles.
[metal thunks]
Come back again in two weeks.
Cancel it.
I'm leaving town.
Oh?
When?
In about a week..
...for permanent.
Are you telling me
that this is the last time
I'm gonna see you?
I'm afraid so.
I'm gonna be very busy.
Very busy?
Busy at what?
Doing a lot of things.
Working.
Planning on how to make good use
out of my practical knowledge.
You'd be proud of me if you knew
the extent of my activities.
I've always been proud of you.
Please, don't
say things like that.
It's hard enough
to say goodbye.
Well, then,
don't say goodbye.
Look, I love you,
I believe in you.
You don't have anything
to prove to me.
We have a future together
if you want it.
Look, I know you have
more to offer me
than anything I could plan.
I'm just committed and I have
to follow through with that.
[door opens]
See all these bombs
under my ship?
Reminds me of World War II.
Oh, I can't wait until
I get over the target.
Gives me chills.
Oh, how come all these tanks
are from the army?
Oh, it's part of a
big surplus deal we made.
We haven't had a chance
to repaint them
and put our own trademark art.
Yeah, you see, our trademark
is a roach lying on it's back
with it's legs going like that.
What's this?
This is to protect you from
the insecticides, just in case.
You're gonna have to wear
a gas mask too. Strict rules.
Ow!
Company policy.
We take every precaution.
It'll give you immunity,
in case you have any problems.
Now, here's the balance
of your payment.
If you'd just
sign this receipt.
I like doing business
with you fellas.
Don't worry, there'll be more.
The war has only just started.
Right.
Tally-ho.
Tally-ho.
Chops, don't forget
to set the timers.
Oh, yeah.
(Chops)
'Are you sure this will
cut off Tuela?'
Stop worrying.
It's just two roads
to Tuela, right?
- Let's get to the other one.
- Right.
[tires screeching]
[timer ticking]
All set, Dudley.
Finished over here.
That's it. They're set
to go off
in sequence
every 15 minutes.
It should make
the road impassable
for at least two hours.
Oh, well.
Nobody's ever pulled off
a job like this.
Well, I hope it
makes you a big man
in Sing Sing,
if that's what you want.
[Chops laughing]
(Chops)
'Are you kidding? It'll make me
a big man in any prison.'
'I can't lose.'
[timer ticking]
[airplane engine droning]
* There's nothing that can
wake me like the ol' wild blue *
* Especially when I got a job *
* Killing bugs to do *
* So make some room and watch
this black boy fly *
* All you little bugs *
* You rotten little bugs *
* If you take a whiff
you go die **
Well, this is it.
Good luck, Chops.
[sniffs]
Yeah. Good luck, Dud.
[wincing]
Listen, I don't wanna
get sentimental, but..
I just want you to know
that if it wasn't for you..
...I'd be getting a hernia
heisting TV sets.
Look, Chops,
you have given me ambition.
A reason to live,
a chance to prove myself.
I almost feel like a..
...human being again.
Over the top.
Yeah.
Over the top.
Did you go to the bathroom?
- Oh.
- You forgot?
I'm too nervous.
[timer ticking]
[intense music]
[timer ticking]
Perfect timing, right?
[car engine revving]
[tires screeching]
- It works.
- Of course, it works.
(Dusty)
'Well, that's my signal.'
Over target.
(Dusty)
'Come on, mother.'
'Let's sell that bug juice.'
'Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones'
'are gonna learn'
'just what precision
is all about.'
''Cause here come
The Fumigator.'
[airplane engine droning]
Let's go.
(Dusty)
'Take this, you ecology freaks.'
'I'm spraying this shit
on everything that tweeks.'
[pedestrians coughing]
[telephone ringing]
[dramatic music]
[coughing continues]
[sirens wailing]
- What's goin' on here?
- I don't know.
Must be spraying for insects
or something, there's a..
...pile of it all
over the road down here.
[coughing]
State five to Tuela PD.
'State five to Tuela PD.'
Tue PD to State five.
We weren't notified you were
delousing the city today.
The only time we delouse
this city is on Election Day.
'Then what's that white stuff'
'that airplane's spraying
all over the city.'
(Tuela PD)
'What airplane?'
(Tuela PD)
'What white stuff?'
[aircraft engine droning]
[coughing and wheezing]
Tue PD, Tue..
'...feel dizzy..'
[switches flicked]
State five to zero zero.
State five to zero zero.
(female over radio)
'Zero zero to State five. Over.'
(State five)
'This aircraft's layin' a cloud
of white mist or something'
'all over the city.'
'Police radio is out.'
'The last thing they said'
'it was making everybody dizzy.'
This is
Detective Sergeant Poultry.
What is this white mist
you're talkin' about?
Officer, it's some kind of cloud
this airplane's
layin' all over Tuela.
There's a big yellow cloud
of it up here on the hill.
We can't get through it.
- What is your location?
- Couple of miles east Tuela.
(Dudley)
This is incredible, Chop.
People's respiratory systems
'should neutralize the effects
of the gas within an hour.'
(Chops)
'Oh, wow, Dud,
look at that guy go.'
(Chops)
'Ha ha. It's like old times.'
[tires screeching]
(Dudley)
I hope these people don't
bruise themselves too badly.
Oh, come now!
You're putting me on.
[laughs]
Hey, hey, what is it?
Russian or Chinese?
Maybe it's from
outer space, huh?
I wouldn't kid you, Colonel.
You mean, there's an
honest to goodness gas attack?
And I'm sure it's the same guys
who pulled the restaurant job.
'I'm on my way there now.'
I'll mobilize a special unit.
And an attack force.
We'll be rolling in five
minutes. See you there.
[comical music]
(Dudley)
Folks, folks,
we're medical men.
We're here to help you.
- 'Let's go!'
- Come here, come here.
(Dudley)
Come here. Swallow this.
(Dudley)
You'll be alright.
- For cryin' out loud!
- Bye.
(Chops)
This is not time to play
Florence Nightingale.
[tires screeching]
[bugle call]
- Hut!
- Oh, let's go, let's go.
- Let's go!
- Get your vehicles rollin'!
Get movin',
it's a sneak attack!
'Start your engines.'
Go, go, go, go!
Let's go!
[indistinct chatter]
[honking]
[clamor]
Oh, no!
Come on..
get your wheels movin'.
'I'm goin', I'm goin'.'
[indistinct shouting]
'Don't bump me!
Oh, shit.'
What's wrong, goddamn it?
Alright, let's go,
let's go, let's go.
Get your vehicles movin'.
Get movin',
it's a sneak attack.
Go, go, go, go!
Let's go!
Coming, sir.
Uh, my zipper's caught.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on!
Hurry up!
Move it!
(Lockyer)
What the hell
is that duck doin' here?
Get it the hell out of here!
We're not going to the beach!
Sheesh.
Get this vehicle
out of here. Move it.
Let's move out! Move out!
[blowing whistle]
(Lockyer)
Get that civilian
jalopy off the road.
(Lockyer)
Military vehicles
have the right of way.
Who do you
think you are?
[Lockyer shouting]
(Lockyer)
Get off the road!
[siren wailing]
(Chops)
Now remember, Dud,
this is my department.
Don't worry about nothin'.
Okay? Now just remember,
urgency, urgency.
(Chops)
We go in there, get the loot,
and get the hell out fast.
- Alright?
- Alright.
(Chops)
Now, wait a minute,
don't go in. Wait for me.
Now, Dudley, look.
The bank dick.
How come he's not gassed?
He's stuck in an air pocket
between the two doors.
The gas hasn't
gotten to him yet.
Yeah, but he's seen us.
He's gonna ruin everything.
That bastard will squeal on us.
Look, there's no way
that he can identify us.
What we have to do
is get the doors open
so the gas will
get to him and knock him out.
Open up. Open up.
Who are you?
What do you want?
We're from the gas company.
Yeah and we came
to fix your leak.
We have to do it right away.
Yeah, we think the
leak is in the vault.
I haven't got a mask.
It's okay. We're fast workers.
You don't need a mask.
(Dudley)
Just hurry up, open the door
before it's too late.
- Come on.
- Terrific.
Attaboy.
You're a good man.
Breathe deeply.
[all coughing]
(Dudley)
The vault's over there.
(Dudley)
Ladies and gentlemen, stay calm.
(Dudley)
This is just a rehearsal.
(Chops)
My money!
(Dudley)
'Calm, cool and collected.'
- We did it. We did it.
- Swallow this.
(Dudley)
Compliments of the gas company.
Didn't I tell
you I knew my craft?
Nobody would give me any credit.
- Yeah!
- We did it!
We robbed two banks
within minutes of each other.
It's a first.
Nobody will ever believe it.
When I woke up this morning
I was a nobody,
and now look at me.
Wait till I tell the guys
at Attica and-and Leavenworth.
(Chops)
I'll be a star.
They'll put me in a library.
I'm very happy for you.
Oh! My helmet.
[siren wailing]
[door opens]
[people coughing]
[coughing]
[airplane engine droning]
(Lockyer)
Prepare to sling masks.
Prepare to sling mask.
(Lockyer)
Defuse that bomb..
[blowing whistle]
'Defuse that bomb.
On the double.'
Get those civilians to the rear.
This is it. Let's go. Let's go.
(Lockyer)
Get those vehicles
out of here. Get 'em back.
Come on, get out, girls.
Come on.
Move it.
(Lockyer)
Get 'em out,
get 'em out, move it out.
Turn the vehicle around.
- Let's go.
- Let's move, let's move.
- Come on.
- On the double, men.
On the double, on the double.
Lieutenant, lieutenant,
bring the glasses quickly.
[dramatic music]
[dramatic music]
The town's under siege.
- Men! Attention, men.
- Colonel?
The city of Tuela
is under siege.
For the first time
in almost 60 years
a gas attack has been carried
out against a populated area.
Colonel?
Evacuate that casualty.
When we move down
into that no man's land
remember, the eyes..
the eyes of the War Department,
the Department of the Army
the joint Chiefs of Staff and
hopefully some local TV station
will be on us.
Today, men, on this battlefield
we will prove the
cause of chemical warfare.
Colonel, if you've finished
with The Gettysburg Address
can we step on the gas?
This town is being looted.
Right! Decon unit forward.
Decon unit, let's go.
Let's get that pressure on.
Move it, move it.
Let's move it.
That's it, we're coming through.
Come on, on the double.
That's it, stop here.
Right over there.
(Dusty)
'All through for the day.'
'So you bugs can go
on your dead ass way.'
'What's all that movin'
around down there?'
'I'd better go down
and see what's happenin'.'
Sir! Unidentified aircraft
approaching at 2 o'clock.
Range 2600, give or take
a couple of hundred yards.
It's a surplus primary trainer.
'And the thing's
hanging under the wings.'
It's the army.
What the hell
is going on down there?
We're under attack!
Take cover.
Take cover. Take cover.
[military music]
- Prepare for air attack.
- Prepare for air attack.
'What the hell all
those folks runnin' around for?'
'Must be an accident.'
- Commence firing.
- Commence firing.
[gunshots]
What you shootin' me for?
[gunshots]
- Run for your lives!
- Run for your lives.
What the hell
kind of a command is that?
'Run for your lives.'
[explosion]
- Sling masks!
- Sling masks.
- 'Sling masks.'
- Sling masks.
- Sling masks!
- Sling mask.
Sling what?
- Sling masks!
- Where's your mask?
I lost it at the
last peace demonstration.
Sergeant, get him a mask.
Yes, sir.
Decon unit! On that farm.
'Decon unit, on that farm!'
'On the double out there.'
(Lockyer)
Get rid of that cloud.
'Defuse that cloud.'
'Hustle it up, men.'
- Casualties!
- Casualties!
(Lockyer)
'Get those casualties
into the hospital, men.'
You'll be okay.
(Lockyer)
This is war! Not maneuvers.
Hustle it up, men.
- Unsling masks!
- Unsling masks.
- 'Unsling masks.'
- 'Unsling masks.'
Unsling mask!
Unsling mask.
Well, this mask
is making me sick!
Keep your mask on until
we get past the road block.
It's a green van.
[coughs]
A green van.
Heading south.
Sir, the road ahead is clear.
I have a report that the enemy
is headed this way
in a green van.
Let's move out!
Move out!
[blows whistle]
- Hut!
- Move out!
Move out!
[blows whistle]
Let's get rolling, men.
- Forward, ho!
- Hey, wait for me.
Forward, ho!
[jeep sputters]
(Chops)
'Hey, Dud, look,
the army!'
Hey, that's my old outfit.
(Dudley)
There's Scottie!
Hold it! Hold it! Fall back!
Turn around! Turn around!
[blowing whistle]
Turn around. Turn around.
[indistinct chatter]
[blowing whistles]
[indistinct chatter]
What's going on here?
Fall in! Defensive formation.
Vehicle, fall in!
The town is being ripped off.
[engine revving]
Uh-oh, we're in trouble, Dud.
(Chops)
'They're on our tail.'
'Alright, now, don't panic.
Don't get panicky.'
'Now, this is what
we're gonna do.'
We stop the van, we get out with
our hands up high, very high.
Or behind your head.
Which ever you prefer.
We lie down on the ground
and let them take
it from there.
Okay?
Soldiers
don't surrender that way.
Well, you surrender your way,
I'm gonna surrender mine.
- Come on, step on it.
- What are you doing?
Come on, just keep
your foot on the gas.
You'll get out of this.
(Chops)
'Dudley, let me surrender.'
(Dudley)
'Turn, turn, turn.'
Follow left!
Ho-ho!
[bugle call]
That's Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones.
'I wonder why the Army
is chasing them?'
- Now, what are you doing?
- I've got an idea.
You head into that canyon.
I got something
that'll stop 'em.
'I hope you know
what you're doing.'
[instrumental music]
Smoke screen.
[music continues]
Pull up! Pull up!
[coughing]
Call 'em halt!
- Back up!
- Yes, sir.
[blowing whistle]
Retreat!
I didn't say "Retreat".
- I said back up!
- Sorry, sir.
Alright, just back up!
Deploy on the left flank.
[coughing]
I'm gassed. I'm gassed.
Colonel, am I gassed?
No, no. Not yet.
[coughing]
[metal clanking]
(Chops)
'Dudley, we're trapped.'
Oh, we're trapped!
'Our backs are to the wall.
There's no way out.'
It's gonna be
a classic surrender.
Yeah, well,
I will never surrender.
They'll have to capture
me first.
So, let them catch you.
I'm fed up with this shit.
Hey, come on, give me a hand.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna lay a smoke screen.
It'll give us more time.
[sighing]
Yeah, well, that's all
they're gonna get.
Lots of time.
This is
our most defensible position.
I'd rather be under the truck.
It won't work.
You sit one
of them down over there.
Dudley, I think the gas
has affected your brain.
- Over there.
- Over here?
Yeah, right over there.
[panting]
I have the right
to remain silent.
I have the right to be
represented by counsel.
And I have the right
to appear before a magistrate.
[horn honking]
[blowing whistle]
[explosion]
[explosion]
(Lockyer)
'He's up there waiting for me.'
Waiting for me
to make the first move.
Alright, I'll fool him.
I'm gonna make
my second move first.
'Prepare for a mortar attack.'
[indistinct chatter]
Prepare for muzzle
mortar attack!
Get out of that vehicle!
Come on, out!
Get out of that truck!
[indistinct chatter]
[blowing whistle]
Alright, zero in
up on that area up there.
Yes, sir.
[engine revving]
Dudley, here comes
the pride of kill zone!
[instrumental music]
What is he doing coming here?
Go back!
Go back!
Oh-ho, that's all we need.
The schmuck is gonna gas us.
Get out of here, Dusty!
Go back!
Dusty, go back!
You're not supposed
to land here now.
We're under attack.
Go back, Dusty!
Dusty, get the plane
back up in the air.
- Dusty, get out of here!
- Get out of here, Dusty.
Gentleman, there are lot of
details I can't piece together.
Like did we do
such a good job over Tooele
that the army wants us to help
them with the maneuvers?
I mean is that a clear
representation
of what I saw from the air?
Yeah, that's fair, Dusty.
But get it up!
Then why did they shoot
holes in my wings?
'Well, you see there's a lot
of top secret classified'
equipment
in this operation, right.
And the army got a little,
uh, sensitive about it. Okay?
Oh! But, y-you're pleased
with my work?
'Oh, you deserves
an oak leaf cluster, Dusty.'
Will you give him
a fig leaf and tell him
to get the hell
out of here already.
Get the plane up.
Now, wait a minute.
Sir, mortar unit ready
to receive range
and type of projectile
information.
Good.
- Wind, nine mile..
- Geez! Don't ever do that.
Use the wind instrument.
Stop showing off.
[instrumental music]
On target, sir.
I don't see a thing.
Very good.
We're using
a new nerves gas, GZS II.
It penetrates the gas mask
but it doesn't kill.
You sure I can't work
with you in this job?
Yeah, I'm sure.
It's just not your thing.
Next time, we'll all be
together. Alright?
Wait a second. Wait a minute.
I wanna give you
something to pay for the..
...the holes in your wings.
- Just wait a minute.
- What?
Pay him?
What do you mean "Pay him?"
Fire for effect.
Command, sergeant.
[blows whistle]
Here, this will take
care of everything.
Now, get out of here!
[explosion]
I'm getting
the hell out of here.
[explosion]
Oh! GZS II.
I got the antidote.
Chops!
- Chops!
- I'm here.
Hands against the van,
feet spread apart.
Here, take this pill.
It'll make you immune.
- What?
- And put your gas mask on.
[explosion]
Oh, shit.
Where you going?
Stay where you are.
Dusty!
Dusty!
Here, take one of these.
And put your gas mask on.
This is part of the maneuver.
[explosion]
I got an idea.
Dusty, you can work
with us in this job.
I'm with you.
What do you want me to do?
Cease fire!
Cease fire!
[indistinct chatter]
Prepare to advance
through a smoke screen.
Forward march!
Wing masks! Forward march.
[indistinct]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[blowing whistle]
Over the top, men.
Which top?
Top of the hill, I guess.
[engine revving]
[music continues]
Fish tail it
back and forth like that.
So we cover everything.
- 'How am I doing?'
- That's great.
You make beautiful wind.
'Ha ha ha.
Look at that.'
[Dudley laughing]
Hold it!
Hey, we've got a team.
What a team!
I had the same idea.
You're terrific.
[music continues]
Damn civilians,
always in the way.
Is that man retreating?
You're damn right.
GZS II.
You gave us
the wrong wind direction.
No, sir. They must be
blowing it back at our faces.
Am I gassed?
- Am I gassed?
- You are now.
And so am I.
[groaning]
- We've beaten them, Chops.
- Yeah.
Look at that. Look at that.
We can walk right through 'em.
Why walk...when we can fly?
[laughing]
Yeah!
Dusty, how'd you like
to do a job with us in Mexico?
Yeah, it's infested down there.
Okay.
Here, take this.
How do we do this now?
Hey, look...you hang on
to one wing.
You hang on to the other.
Okay.
Hang out my ass,
where is my parachute?
Alright, let's go.
[engine revving]
Don't worry, I'll get this old
mother off the ground!
Oh, my god, I can't believe it.
Hallelujah!
Dusty, let me off.
Something wonderful is happening
and I need a medical opinion.
What's the matter?
You're gettin' shot?
No. Something just came up.
Understand?
I'll see you in Mexico.
Scottie..
Scottie..
Where are you?
Scottie.
Scottie.
Where are you?
Scottie.
Scottie.
Scottie.
[coughing]
Scottie.
- Scottie.
- You! You robbed that town.
Yeah, yeah, but that's
not the point, now.
Scottie, I have to see you
privately right away.
Scottie, everything
we ever dreamed
about is coming true right now.
Ooh!
Quick! In the Med-Evac unit.
Ooh.
Wait a minute!
What am I doing?
Look, you were sensational.
But what you did was wrong.
Oh, God please, don't start
moralizing in a time like this.
Will you?
I'm not going
in there until you promise
to give back the money.
I mean it.
As much as I want you.
Boy, this is gonna go
down as the most
expensive bang in history.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Anything you say. Okay.
'Okay, let's go.'
Whoo! Come on.
I think it was the combination
of GZS II and the antidote.
Dudley, shut up.
Oh, my God.
May I help you with your pants?
Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
Do you have to take that off?
Just get your pants down.
I know, I know, I know.
Hey, there you go.
Wait. My boots..
No, leave your boots on.
[Scottie moaning]
[instrumental music]
[door squeaking]
Ooh!
[chuckling]
I'll see you in Mexico.
I'll be there.
[tongue clicking]
Ooh.
[chuckling]
Ooh.
Keep the money.
- Um-hmm?
- Hm.
[instrumental music]
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
Colonel.
You can cancel that six
percent disability, sir.
From my dead dick.
* There's nothing in the world *
* That can't be done *
* No war in the world *
* That can't be won *
* You can cut your problems *
* Right in half *
* If you do it
without the army *
* And the joint *
* Chiefs *
* Of staff *
* You'll find
you've more than got *
* A fighting chance *
* If you don't report them *
* In advance *
* No way you can lose *
* And life's a laugh *
* If you do it
without the army *
* And the joint *
* Chiefs *
* Of staff *
* To succeed *
* To succeed *
* The cooperation
is the main thing *
* You don't need *
* They will seek your name *
* And autograph *
* If you do it
without the army *
* And the joint *
* Chiefs *
* Of staff *
* Hip hurrah *
* Hip hurrah *
* If you come a blame *
* You simply blame the CIA *
* You can take
the foul ups and the gap *
* If you simply carry on *
* Without the Pentagon *
* If you do it
without the army *
* And your joint *
* Chiefs *
* Of staff **