Which Is Witch (1949) - full transcript

An African witch doctor is cooking up a potion in his big black pot. He has the lizard tongue, fish eyes, gnats' eyebrows, jigger of xxx, bee-stingers, leopard spots and frogs' legs. But he throws a screaming tantrum when he discovers that he's out of rabbit. Meanwhile, Bugs Bunny decides to go to Kuka Munga (one mile) instead of Hubba Hubba (also one mile). He made a bad choice. He meets the witch doctor, who captures him and throws him into his pot. Bugs at first thinks the doc is offering him a hot bath. But when he smells himself cooking, he realizes the horrible truth. Bugs will have to disguise himself as a native female and battle an alligator before his latest adventure is over.

Where are you off to
in such a hurry?

Shopping. It's Dollar Day.

- Is that good?
- Marvellous. Everything's on sale.

You can pick up
some terrific bargains.

I suspected David
wasn't doing so well.

Darrin, and he's doing just fine.

Bargain hunting's a challenge.
It's fun.

It's a great pleasure
for mortal women.

Poor dears.

If you're not doing anything,
why don't you come along.

- We can have lunch.
- Well, it might be interesting...

to see how the other half
amuse themselves.

- Do you like it?
- Very nice.

This, darling, is
what I call a real bargain.

- Costs nothing.
- Try it my way, Mother.

It's the challenge
of the thing. You'll see.

I saw it first. Oh, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz.

It's not my colour anyway.

- All by yourself?
- Oh, no.

Well, Mother's around here

Well, happy hunting.

Look, Samantha.
Ninety percent off, over there.

- Mother.
- I should've thought of that...

- 30 minutes ago.
- How about this one?

Oh, Samantha, it's dull.
You've grown so conservative.

Well, it's reduced from 12.95 to 6.99.
That's a saving of...

Five dollars and 96 cents,
and so what?

So what?

I can enjoy another mortal pleasure.

When you've saved enough on bargains,
you're entitled to splurge.

Now, that's really fun.

- I'll never make it.
- Make what?

I have a fitting upstairs
this afternoon.

I can't do that and the marketing too.
And the chops are on special.

I'd love to help you Samantha. Chops.

Butcher haggling
just doesn't appeal to me.

But I could fill in
on the dress fitting, though.

- You don't mean...
- I do.

Oh, Mother, you wouldn't.

I mean, you couldn't, not here
in front of all these people.

You know how subtle I can be.

Well, what do you think?

I think my voice has changed.

Not even your dressmaker
will know for sure.

- Is that better?
- Much.

Where do I go?

Fourth floor.

Here we are.


Excuse me, do you have the time?

- One-thirty.
- Oh, that's exactly what I have.

May I buy you a drink to celebrate?

You should be ashamed
of yourself, sonny.

I saw the whole thing.

- What?
- I saw the whole thing, Mrs. Stephens.

Honestly, the nerve of some people.

Well, did you find your mother?

- Yes, I know exactly where she is.
- Good.

I'd like to meet her sometime.


That would be a thrill for you.
She's marvellous.

- A thoroughly fascinating woman.
- I guess.


Well, hello there.

- Hello.
- How've you been?

Just fine. And you?

Only fair, but now that I've met you...

things are bound to get
a whole lot better.

My name is Bob Frazer.
Robert E. Frazer Jr.

- I think I just met senior.
- Oh, yeah.

- How is old Ed?
- His watch works.

Otherwise he's a little rusty.

Crude too, I bet. Probably offered
to buy you a drink right off.

Of course, I would've said no...

even if I hadn't been going
for a dress fitting.

I'm terribly embarrassed.

I favour my mother's side
of the family.

Perhaps after your fitting, I could
buy you a cup of tea to make amends.

- Hello.
- You're under arrest...

- for not reading my latest novel.
- Bob, where you been?

I thought you'd drop by
the minute you hit town.

My publisher had other ideas.

I'm stuck here at Bridon's
department store autographing books.

Say no more. And you met
this beautiful young thing...

you're not coming by, right?

Affirmative, but don't fret.
If she has a friend, I'll fix you up.

Thanks, but I don't think
my wife would approve.

You took the plunge, poor old buddy?

Affirmative, and I want you to meet her.
Dinner tomorrow night?

Well, can I call you?

If I have any luck with this girl,
not until Friday.

Well, make it any time at all.
And bring her along.

- Thanks, old buddy. Talk to you.
- Bye.

Oh, it's stunning. Stunning.

- You really think so?
- Oh, yes. I only wish I had your figure.

So do I.

But the back, it's so conservative.

Well, I don't know. I suppose
it could be lowered a smidgen.

I think that would help.

And why don't we lower the front.
Say, two smidgens?

I'll get the seamstress.

I'm glad you're not one of these
women who dress for other women.

I take it you're a two-smidgen man.

I haven't found a thing,
but I see you have.

Yes, and I wasn't looking.

- She a friend of yours?
- I hope not.

You're my kind of girl.

I may pattern the heroine
of my next book after you.

- You're a writer?
- You sound like my publisher.

I write historical romances
which the clever public ignores.

Careful, I may present you with
an autographed copy of Helen of Troy.

Oh, I read that.

Oh, well, I hope you won't
hold it against me.

It was very amusing.

Of course,
Helen was nothing like that.

She had a face that would've
sunk ships, not launched them.

And knock-kneed.

You must've loved studying history.

Living it was more fun.

Yes? Well...

Well, perhaps you could help me
with my research.

How are you on the Borgias?

The things I could tell you
about Lucrezia.

Well, I wish you would.

Let's have dinner and talk about it.

Well, why not.

- Hello.
- Hi, sweetheart. How are you?


You sound like you're working
and won't be home for dinner.

No, I'll be there.

I called to tell you
I got in touch with Bob Frazer.

- Do I know him?
- He's the writer, my old buddy.

- You remember, I told you about him.
- Oh, yes.

When he hit town,
he got involved with a raving beauty.

I asked him to bring her along,
but he had other ideas.

Good, the last thing we need
in this house is a raving beauty.

Correction, my love:
Another raving beauty.

That's sweet.

I tried to get in touch with you earlier.
Where were you?

I was shopping for bargains
with Mother.

Mother. Oh, that sounds like fun.

As a matter of fact, it was.

She's been very helpful
and sweet lately.

Wonderful hands, Samantha.

And the longest lifeline
I've ever seen.

It runs in the family.

- You should see my mother's.
- Shall we drink to her?

Well, why don't we.
She's a marvellous woman.

You're quite a woman, Samantha.

You combine the wisdom of the ages
with all that's modern and swinging.

If you're ever up against it, Bobby,
you can always write fortune cookies.


Now, don't blame me. My cookie said
to be more affectionate.

Mine says,
"Beware of chance meetings."

- Hello?
- Hi, sweetheart.

Bob just called.
He can't make it to dinner.

- Why not?
- He and this new girlfriend...

made a killing at the track.
They're going out to celebrate.

She's sensational.


- I don't know, I haven't seen her.
- But you think she's sensational?

Bob's been raving about her.
Besides, she sounds like my type.

Blond hair, green eyes,
crazy turned-up nose.

- Sounds like me.
- Exactly, that's my type.

- I'll see you tonight.
- Bye, sweetheart.

Guess who, darling.

- Stop that. What are you doing?
- Oh, sorry, wrong ear.

Say, what's the matter, honey? Did you
get out of bed on the wrong side?

Which side of the bed I get out on
is nobody's business but my husband's.

- Your who?
- My husband's.

If you don't leave me alone,
I'll report you to management.

You didn't tell me you were married.

Not that it would've made a difference,
but you should've told me, Samantha.

You know me?

Well, I thought I did.

I thought I knew all week,
ever since we met here a few days ago.

- We met here?
- Yes.

You were trying on that
marvellous dress with the...

Don't you think you ought to
explain a little?

Well, you see...

If you did know me,
it wasn't me you knew.

Darling, that doesn't
make any sense.

Yes, I...

I could explain all this to you, but it
would just be even more confusing.

Let's just pretend it never happened.


Wait! Samantha!


Mother, I want to talk to you.

What can I do for you, dear?

For a start, you can stop being me.

Well, I... Whatever do you mean?

Never mind the innocent act.

Your boyfriend just nuzzled
both my ears.

Oh, he is an affectionate rascal.

Mother, how could you?

Oh, it was easy.

And we did start out
to have such a nice rapport.

Well, it's over. A thing like this
could lead to complications.

Besides, it isn't fair to him.
Mortals are very vulnerable.

Now, I want your promise
that you'll never see him again.

- But we have a lunch date.
- Mother.

Well, I wouldn't have to eat.
I could just say goodbye.

No, Mother. Absolutely not.

Well, I don't see any harm in a simple,
"Goodbye, Bobby Frazer. It's been fun."

Bob Frazer!

I call him Bobby.

He's a writer. Have you heard of him?

Heard of him?
He's a friend of Darrin's.

Oh, dear.

That's a bit of sticky wicket, isn't it?


Oh, Mother, how could you have
picked him of all people?

I didn't pick him. He picked me.

I mean you, or us.

He's coming here for dinner tonight.

I could phone him
and discourage him.

He doesn't discourage easily, dear.

- Did you tell him you were married?
- Yes.

Well, it helps.

Helps what?

I'll simply keep my lunch date with him
and tell him I love my husband.

Or your husband, that is.
He'll behave himself.

- You think it'll work?
- It'll have to.

Unless you have a better idea.

- Only one.
- What's that?


I was afraid after that incident in the
store this morning you wouldn't come.

- What incident?
- When I kissed you on the ear.

How sweet.

At the time, you didn't think so.

I'm very unpredictable.
Don't let it bother you.

Bother me? It's driving me crazy.

Bobby, there's something
I have to say.

Oh, this business about
your husband again?


Darling, we're adults.
You don't have to draw me a picture.

I've written this scene
a hundred times.

- I doubt it.
- Your marriage didn't work out.

You don't know what you saw in him.
You didn't want to tell me.

You were afraid how I'd take it.
Now, isn't that true?

Not exactly.

Now, please, don't feel guilty.

We've just had
four marvellous days together.

Tonight, I'll introduce you
to Darrin Stephens.

I'm dying for you two to meet.

- Oh, I'll be there.
- Good.

With Darrin. He's my husband.

Boy, there's a weird echo
in this place.

I thought you said Darrin
was your husband.

I did.

Ours is just an innocent little flirtation,
but it's gone far enough.

I only kept this luncheon date
to explain things...

and urge you not to mention
any of this to my husband.

- On one condition.
- Anything.

Look me in the eyes and tell me
that Darrin Stephens...

is the most wonderful man
in the world.

Please, not while I'm eating.

Could you rephrase that?

Tell me I don't mean anything to you,
that you love him.

- Who?
- Your husband.

- Must I?
- "I love Darrin Stephens." Say it.



Darrin Stephens.

Not very convincing.

Promise you won't
say anything tonight.

Not a word.

- Abner, come here.
- What is it?

That man, he's at their front door
with flowers.

Well, maybe he's a florist.

Honey, you're gonna love this guy.

- Hi, old buddy.
- Bob!

- I finally made it.
- Well, come on in, come on in.

Gee, it's good to see you.

I'd like you to meet my wife.
Sam, Bob. Bob, Sam.

It's funny, I feel like
I already know you.

Oh, how nice. Excuse me.

I think I'll go put these in water.

How about a drink?

- We've got catching up to do.
- Yeah, I'll say.

How would you feel if I invited
one of my boyfriends to dinner?

Fine, just make sure
he can play pinochle.

What do you think of her?
Isn't she something?

She certainly is.

Darrin, I promised
I wouldn't do this...

but it's important.
I've got to talk to you privately.

Well, talk.

Oh, well, I don't quite know
how to say it.

I guess the best thing
is to come out with it.

The girl I met...

- the one I was telling you about?
- Yeah.

- I think I'm falling in love with her.
- Well, Bob, that's wonderful.

Yes, but the problem is,
she's married.

That makes it rough.

Worse yet, I know her husband.

Oh, he's a great guy.

- Does he know what's been going on?
- No.

- I think I should tell him. Don't you?
- By all means.

Oh, I'm so glad
you feel this way, Darrin.

You see, the girl I'm in love with
is Samantha, so...

So I'm telling you.

What's so funny?

You are, you dog.
You haven't changed a bit.

You're still pulling the same old
corny practical jokes.

I'm not joking.
I've been dating your wife all week.

That's great, I hope you enjoyed it.

Honey, why didn't you tell me
about you and Bob?

- He told you?
- I'm sorry, darling, I had to.

- Darling?
- Darrin, I'll explain later.

You'll explain now.

- Don't bully her.
- Stay out of this!

It wasn't Bob's fault, it was Mother's.

Nobody thinks less of your mother
than I do, but don't hang this on her.

- How did your mother...?
- Why don't you shut up.

- With magic.
- I think we better talk.

Come on, this way. Excuse us.

All right, explain yourself.

- You won't like it, Darrin.
- I want the whole story, straight.

I had to be in two places at once...

so Mother volunteered
to double for me.

That's when she met Bob.

She met Bob?

Then it really is Endora?

- Afraid so, darling.
- This is ridiculous.

How am I going to tell him he's
fallen in love with my mother-in-law?


did you decide anything?

Bob, it's all straightened out.

You mind telling me how? After all,
I got a pretty important stake in this.

Well, it was all a joke.

A joke? What was so funny
about Staten Island?

- Staten Island?
- I wouldn't know.

Oh, well, then who would?

I would, Bobby.

Talk about putting somebody on.

Identical twins. I should've guessed.

Of course you should.

Anyone can see I'm much prettier.

I better start dinner.

Need help?


Oh, I've got to hand it to you,
old buddy.

When you arrange a double date,
you really arrange a double date.

Goodbye, Darrin, it's been great.
Thanks a lot for dinner.

- Well, come again, any time.
- Well, how about tomorrow?

That's not such a good idea.

No, tomorrow is bad for us.

Me too. I'm flying up to Boston
in the morning.

He flies too.

Isn't that marvellous? Good night.


They're leaving together.

- Who?
- Mrs. Stephens and that man.

It's one thing to neck
in a restaurant...

but when she brings it
into her home...

- Gladys, will you stop?
- That woman is shameless.

- I'm gonna do something.
- I'm going to bed.

If I ran around like that,
wouldn't you want to be told?

Yes, and soon.

I've known Bob since college,
and I've never seen him fall like that.

I guess she's his type.

Did your mother promise
to give up her masquerade?

- Can you trust her?
- She gave me her solemn oath.

I just hope it doesn't
break Bob's heart.

He'll get over it.

Mr. Stephens, your wife has...

Your wife.

Your wife. Your wife.

I guess it was nothing important.