What's Up, Tiger Lily? (1966) - full transcript

[ Speaking Japanese ]

Ladies and gentlemen...
what you have just seen

is an excerpt from a motion
picture that was made in Japan.

I'm sitting here chatting
with Woody Allen...

the author of this film.

Woody, is the word "author"
quite the correct word to use?

I mean... what exactly
did you do with that film?

Well, let me see if I can
explain it to you accurately...

They wanted, in Hollywood, to
make the definitive spy picture.

- Uh-huh.
- And...

they came to me to supervise
the project, you know?



Because... I think that, um,

If you know me at
all, you know that...

death is my bread,

and danger my butter.

Oh no, danger's my bread,
and death is my butter!

No, no, wait! Danger's my bread.

Death? No, death...

No, I'm sorry. Death is my... death
and danger are my various breads and...

- various butters.
- Uh-huh.

So...

we took a Japanese film...

Made in Japan, by Japanese
actors and actresses. We bought it.

And it's a great
film, beautiful color,

and there's raping, and
looting, and killing in it.



And I took out all the soundtrack.
I knocked out all their voices.

And I wrote a comedy...

I got together with some
actors and actresses,

and we put our comedy...

in where they were
formerly raping and looting.

And the result is a movie where
people are running around...

killing one another... and...

you know, doing all those
James Bondian things.

But, what's coming out of their
mouth is something wholly other.

I see... but, to
my recollection,

I've never heard of
that being done before.

Where the actors would be acting
one story and saying another?

It was actually, it was done
with "Gone with the Wind".

Not many people know that.
That was... those are Japanese...

people, actually... and we
dubbed in American voices on that.

With southern voices.

- Really?
- Um-hmm, oh yes.

Oh...

That was years ago
though, during the war...

there had been many
naval bases and things.

So, you know, it was kept quiet.

Yeah, well, be that as it may,

do you think we
could run this film now?

Sure. Watch this.

Let's get out of here.

I'll get the check...

Stick around, she's
just getting warmed up.

- Dance, mister?
- After you.

Name 3 presidents...

Roosevelt, McKinley...

Lincoln?

Saracen pig!

Spartan dog!

Take this!

And this!

Roman cow!

Russian snake!

Spanish fly!

Yeah, all right, talk!

Talk! Who sent you?

Who sent you?

Good one!

All right, talk!

Who sent you? Talk,
Anglosaxon Hun!

Who do you work for?

Nobody,

I freelance.

Beware...

of the man...

with...

with...

with...

with...

This thing has gotta
go off like clockwork.

I want you to follow
every move I make.

When I take a step,
you take a step.

Excellent!

Hey, over here! This way! Here!

Hey, he's jumping
on the wrong car!

Sure looks bad!

This is your warden speaking...

This is your warden speaking...

Do not try to escape.
You haven't got a chance!

We have the prison surrounded.

No one can get over the wall.

We'll have more reasons why
you'll never get away in a moment.

But first, here's Len
Maxwell with the weather.

Hi, folks, the weather...

Hey, what's going on up there?

- And now, back to your warden.
- Thank's very much, Len...

Have I said before
you cannot escape?

Hey, that's a rented car!

You can't get away!

Would you mind telling
me what this is all about?

An oriental.

Didn't you know?

I'm flabbergasted!

- Thank you for standing by.
- Standing by?

You're very kind to arrange my
escape and bring a car to pick me up.

Sweetheart... I hate to tell you
but you're talking to the wrong guy.

Then who are you?

Phil Moskowitz, loveable rogue.

First the jailbreak. Then
you try leaping from the car.

I think from here on in...

you'd better let me
handle the wheel.

- Finished?
- Not yet.

Hello!

This is your office calling...

I must inform you there's
been a daring jailbreak.

Be on the lookout for
an escaped prisoner.

Female.

Oh? Did you hear the one about the
cross-eyed snake who married a rope?

You had us worried.
What have you been up to?

Well, nothing much
really to report...

By the way, I was almost shot and
killed just before the opening credits.

We need them both...

Alive!

Hubba hubba.

I feel so refreshed! I managed
to find a woman's dress...

but I couldn't find a
stitch of underwear.

No underwear, huh?

I find that very interesting.

Don't excite yourself. I never
sleep with a man who owns a dress.

Me neither.

I feel the same way.

There's something I
really don't understand...

What's that?

- Who arranged my escape?
- Have you no idea?

I had an idea it was The
Mormon Tabernacle Choir...

But they have no motive.

While I was in jail, I
received a key and this note...

hidden in a package.

"Tonight 2 A.M.
Everything's O.K. for escape.

Car at west corner."

I think you must have
dropped on the wrong car.

Yes, I guess that
really explains it.

Well, enough of that.

Of what?

Would you like a drink? Would
you like to take another bath?

Would you like to see my collection
of off-color, Italian hand gestures?

Could I interest you in a
naked picture of Hugh Hefner?

I never saw anyone who
thought of sex so much.

You know, you're kinda
cute in your own way.

I could really fall for you...

Meet me in the bedroom in five
minutes and bring a cattle prod.

Saracen pig!

Spartan dog!

Take that!

Oh!

My leg!

Hey, what's going on here?

Where am I?

What are we doing here?

Just shut up and
get on your knees.

In a moment you'll see
a beautiful set of teeth.

And now, straight from
55 weeks on Broadway...

The mad Majah!

Good afternoon, I am the Grand
Exalted High Majah of Raspur...

a non-existent, but
real-sounding country.

Uh-huh.

Yes. We're on a waiting list.

As soon as there's an
opening on the map, we're next.

It's rough with a new country.

Do you realize the entire
population is still packed in crates?

Good luck. I'm sure you'll
get your country on the globe.

Thank you.

I'm hoping for something
between Spain and Greece.

It's really much warmer there.

I hope you make
it. I do, really.

And you will help me to do so.

You, Phil Moskowitz,
amiable zany, can help me.

Gangsters have stolen my
secret recipe for egg salad.

And not only that...

They kill, they maim,
and they call Information...

for numbers they could
easily look up in the book.

Here is their leader.

The recipe is being held in the
safe of this bozo, Shepard Wong.

By withholding the recipe...

he intends to keep us off
the globe. But I say to him...

Fat chance!

Wait a minute, how can
he keep you off the globe?

I don't understand.

It is written that he who makes the best
egg salad shall rule over heaven and earth.

Don't ask me why egg salad.

I've got enough aggravation.

This is Shepard Wong's home.

He lives in that piece of paper?

No, you idiot! He's
got a regular house!

I see...

Well.

Good afternoon, Mr. Moskowitz.

Oh, no! Not you again!

Yes, yes. This is Miss Teriyaki,
one of our top-secret agents.

Two years ago, on this very
spot, she disappeared forever.

But seriously, Phil,
this is my sister Suki.

A pleasure to meet you!

That's a very unusual
pin you're wearing.

If I remove it, one
of my parts falls off.

These are your 2 assistants.
They will do anything for you.

Anything?

Get the recipe, ass!

Don't look now, honey.
This is the obligatory scene...

the director always has to
walk through with his wife.

Egomaniac!

You're kinda cute.
You've got a great body.

I could tear your clothes off and make
violent love to you right here and now...

Ohh...

Well, I'll go along with that...

Look at the smoke
stack on that ship!

That's Shepard
Wong's gambling ship.

Oh, I hate him so very much!

He's one of the seven
worst people in the world.

Egad! Fuh! How do you like
that? I threw another crap.

Amazing streak of luck, sir!

Not luck. It's skill.

Sorry, but I must leave now.

So soon, sir?

Yes, you see,
someone's waiting for me.

You cash in my chips...

And now, goodbye.

You can't quit now,
sir. You're winning!

You're too far ahead...

Don't tell me what I can do...

or I'll have my
mustache eat your beard.

Well, it's a world.

You interrupt Shepard Wong?

That's a thing to do?

Fearful experience, sir...

He said his mustache
was gonna eat my beard!

I also think that he suspects
that you have the recipe.

Use any method you
can. But don't let him leave!

Here are your winnings, sir.

Thank you...

Thank you very much, and
here's a little something for yourself.

Can you spare us forty?

I'll just put all of my
earnings in this suitcase...

and close it with one
quick zip, like this.

Perfect!

You can't leave now, sir...

Why not?

I have everything
I need right here.

But we have women on board.

Answer for yourself
the question...

Is it true what they
say about oriental girls?

Don't mind if I do...

Lead the way.

I've seen better boats than
this in a plastic hobby kit.

Oh, you're a camp.

Watch this...

Hello.

How'd you do?

Hi there.

Hello.

Mom!

What are you doing here, Mother?

You never write.

So when I didn't hear from you, I
decided to take an ocean cruise.

Oh! This is really your mother?

Yes it is, isn't she sweet?

Mother and I have
always been very close.

And the best thing about her
is... She takes a good punch!

He hit her, boss!

That's the way
to treat a mother?

So you took our picture with that.
You had a hidden camera, I saw it.

I want some of them.

- How many do you want?
- Two 8 x 10's.

Yes, I took your picture with
the camera hidden in that case...

the one I threw overboard.

Now, let's stop kidding each other.
You have the recipe and I want it.

What recipe?

You know, the recipe
for the great egg salad.

A salad so delicious
you could plotz!

I spit on your recipe!

The jokes on you! I threw the
suitcase overboard to my henchman.

He's right out there!

Hey, boss! Hey, boss!

Hey, boss, I got the bag!

Oh, I'm such a
terrific henchman!

That's a very special camera.

It takes pictures of you
with all your clothes on...

but when they're developed,
you come out naked!

You lay one single
finger on me...

and I'll peddle them in
every schoolyard in town.

So you see, you'd better
not mess around with me...

unless you're all completely
unashamed of your bodies.

Why, you...

You win this round...

But we shall meet
again, Wing Fat.

Not if I see you first.
And now I'm going home...

develop those pictures and have
a few laughs at your chubby thighs.

You'll never get that recipe!

We shall see, Shepard Wong!

Hey, taxi!

Kidnap us, please,
and step on it!

- Did you say "kidnap"?
- Yes, that's right.

All right, but first it's time
for a little sight-seeing.

Coming up on your
right, is the world renown

factory where the broken
Japanese toys are made...

Act casual when
I tell you this...

Go ahead.

See that driver up there?

Don't look now, but I
think he's a fruitcake.

What'd you say, Mac?

I didn't mean it.

You must be very quick
on the draw, with a gun.

What gave you that idea?

'Cause you have very fast hands.

You were right in
your original thought...

I am a little weird.

Hello my friend, are you
ready for the big event?

Look who came to see you!

Good evening.

It's all set.

- A cobra...
- I don't like snakes.

Stop pampering them so
much. For crying out loud!

Don't say anything
to upset my snake!

This is the most
important day of his life.

It's his wedding night
and he's very nervous.

He's been looking
forward to this...

For a very long time!

He's going to marry a chicken.

Here she is!

Here comes the bride!

I always cry at weddings!

Shepard Wong has
really got us now.

Not Wong!

You misunderstand.

I have invited you here.

Not Wong!

I am Wing Fat.

Wong is my competitor.

Well, 2 Wongs
don't make a Wright.

For that joke you
should only drop dead.

You are Phil Moskowitz.

I too, am out after
the great recipe.

I want the map that you
made of Wong's house...

and the specifications
of the safe.

Never, not on your [??]!

My men can make you talk.

For your own sake...

Two Wongs don't
make a Wright... Yuck!

♪ Nobody knows
the trouble I've seen ♪

♪ Nobody knows my sorrow ♪

♪ Nobody knows
the trouble I've seen ♪

Shall I connect both
of you to this wire?

We can fry them this way, too.

You're gonna tell us the
plans, or where the map is, huh?

What do you want
the plans for, anyway?

To steal the recipe for Wong...

and sell it back to him.
That's how I make my living.

All right, let's
start with the girl.

Wait!

No threat will
ever make me tell...

that the plans
are in her hairpin.

You idiot! I can't
take you anywhere!

I don't see any plans
here, just some cooties.

You fool, it's on the back!

I can't read this,
it's too small.

Well, I just happen to
have a magnifying glass

in my hand right here
for your pleasure, boss.

We're convinced the
recipe's in Wong's safe.

What are you telling him
all those things for, huh?

That won't do them any good, they'll
need a professional safe cracker.

A professional safe cracker?

And I can provide one.

Really?

And she's beautiful.

Cut these ropes...

and you and I will
form a partnership.

Then we can help each other.

Great tackles, Penkowski...

Good pass, Donbronovich...

We're ahead 2 touchdowns...

and it's only half-time.

Didn't I tell you, boss?

These new uniforms
really fooled them.

There's the whistle.

Get out there and beat SMU!

Come on, Matilda, let's
really go through 'em this time!

You're the new quarterback.

The coach wants to
see you, but remember...

No hickeys...

Approach me.

What in the world is keeping
that safe-cracking girl of yours?

She'll get in touch with us as
soon as she can find the safe.

Get in touch how?

She's wearing a micro-talkie.

Micro-talkie?

You mean she's
wearing a transmitter?

- It's on her all the time...
- Almost.

I want to thank you... for
clearing up my sinuses.

It was glorious!

Would you like to... see
it again on instant replay?

Now that I've given you my
all, I want something from you.

What is it?

I haven't had a good
egg-salad sandwich in years...

I mean, a really good one.
You know what I mean?

You want egg salad, I'll give you egg
salad! Did you bring the mayonnaise?

Mayonnaise?

I told you to take a jar!

Boy, is he weird...!

Never mind, if there's none on
board, forget it. We'll use Miracle Whip.

Hello there. How
are you? Hello...

[??]

Hello there, turn around.
Just stole your money.

Woody, because this story
is a little bit difficult to follow...

Would you give the audience and myself
a brief run-down on what's gone on so far?

No.

Hey, Saul, what
time's the mutiny?

Whenever you come,
we'll start, that's all.

Hello? Hello?

This is agent 5.

I'm aboard Shepard Wong's ship.

Have located safe below.

Bring plenty of dynamite.
It's a big mother.

Hey, give me that!

What are you up to?

What have we here?

It's Suki, she's found the safe!

Guess we'll have to
start all over again.

We have only 2 days!

We can't possibly sneak
on board with sailors...

and guards...

everywhere, all over the ship.

What are we gonna do?

Leave it to me.

Come on! Wake up!

I made her drink a lot of water.

- That's torture?
- There's no John in here.

That's tough on her.

And she was the best
quarterback I ever had...

Hello, hello. Nice day!

Seriously, I'm from
the quarantine office...

and I'm here to
examine the ship.

We're gonna fumigate this boat.

No one is allowed back
aboard 'til I give the all-clear.

If you inhale this gas, you'll be
dead so fast it won't even be funny.

And now if you'll excuse me...

Okay, babies, we're
gonna split now...

Sneezy, Sleepy, Doc...

Grumpy, Happy, Bashful...

Dopey, Snow White...

Snow White?

Yeah, he too much.
Someday his prince will come.

Cool it! There's
somebody coming.

Okay, okay, gather 'round...

Hey, you guys, you wanna buy
a copy of "Mohammed Speaks"?

No, no, I subscribe.
Leave me alone.

Let's go.

What about the girl?

Well, we can take her
with us if you want to...

but you wouldn't really know
what to do with a girl, would you?

Oh. Hey, you!

Fumigator man!
Everyone's off the ship.

Oh... are you sure? You
sure there's no one left?

Yes, there's no one left,
except maybe the rats.

You're absolutely positive?

Hey! What are you
doing back there?

Make pretty smoke!

Suki! Where are you?

[??]

Oh, this must me it.

No, that wasn't it.

Suki?

Phil!

Help me!

- Phil!
- Suki?

- Phil!
- Suki?

- Phil!
- Suki?

- Suki!
- Suki?

- Suki! - Phil?
- Suki?

- Suki?
- Phil!

- Suki?
- Phil!

- Phil!
- Suki?

- Suki?
- Phil!

Jeez.

Don't make a move, my darling.
I'll be right back with the dynamite.

I can't break the door
down because of my bursitis.

Yeah, get the dynamite...

And could you also
bring me a regular coffee...

and a toasted corn muffin?

Wing Fat! Wing Fat! Wing Fat.

Hey! Give me some
of the dynamite...

I got the dynamite.

I'll be right in, my dearest.

Oh, thank God!

I'll be all right.

Suki, Suki, are you all right?

People from the quarantine office
are fumigating the ship now, sir.

Then, you mean,
everyone's off the ship?

Except girl, she dead, I
kill her with pretty smoke.

I didn't order any fumigation!
It's Wing fool, you Fat!

I mean, Wing Fat, you fool!

He's after the recipe!

Back to the ship!

Listen to me, we have no time!

- Blow it up!
- Are you kidding?

The recipe will
be blown up, too!

Suki, what's the matter?

- Steady, Suki, are you all right?
- I'll be fine.

Hey, boss, you're still
carsick back there?

Hurry up, will ya, I'm
the one sitting next to him!

- Hurry! Time and tide wait for no man.
- Aw, shut up...

What's the matter?

Can I be excused? I
have to go to the bathroom.

- In the middle of a robbery?!
- Yes!

Well, if you must, you must.

And here's a tip
for the attendant...

- You wanna come with me, Teri?
- You're gonna have to hang on.

It'll only be a minute.

I'm so nauseous. How
soon are we gonna be there?

What's the matter?

It's the mask...
I can't breathe!

No, leave the mask on, you
won't be able to breathe without it!

Stick it out! We are
a team. Remember...

Love has found me, and I
have found the way, and if...

All right-all right,
chill, chill. I won't sing.

Men, there's a mouse on board!

I was only foolin'...

- Drill this last little thing...
- That's great, that should be the last one...

I'll just give it a little
tap with the hammer...

Give it a tap.

Great! It fell right out.

I'll just put my hand
in and reach up there...

Yes, reach up
and open the lock...

Wait, wait, OK...

- You got it?
- Yes, I got it, I got it...

Great!

- Great, that should do it.
- Open it!

- At last!
- Open the door!

Oh, no! This is ridiculous!

Who do they think we
are? Do we have all day?

What's the matter,
Suki? Remember...

Love has found me...

No, no, that's okay.

This is 20...

This is 30...

- Go ahead.
- 40...

50...

- More.
- 60?

Is he gonna go through
the whole alphabet?

- Now go right to 40.
- 40?

I ain't talking for
my health, Jack.

Okay... There, I got it.

Now go right to 90.

And right to 90.
There, is that it?

I think that's it.

Is this the
combination? It is open?

Yeah, it's open.

Here we go, folks...

Don't worry, it's
just as record.

It's part of alarm system.

Oh, there it is!

The recipe! Give it to me.

- Yes, this is it.
- Right.

We've done it.

And now...

Now, I'd like to take
this opportunity to do

my impersonations of
some famous movie stars.

Mr. James Cagney...

"You dirty rat, you're the
guy that gave it to my sister!"

"And now I'm gonna give it
to your sister, you dirty rat!"

That was wonderful,
now do Claude Rains.

Don't tell me who to do!
I don't do Claude Rains.

Hey, that was really terrific!

How do you do those things so
true to life? I don't know how you do it.

I'm not through yet, Buster...

Listen, we'd love to hear more.
But honestly, we have no time.

If I know Shepard
Wong, he'll try to stop us.

And we've got to
decode this recipe.

Wait, wait!

Hold it! Hold it!

Here, let's get organized.

All right, gentlemen, I
want you to settle down.

I have a few instructions
for you, I want you to

listen carefully, and
I want you to cool it.

This fellow over here, in the yellow
smock, is the brains of our organization...

and over here is our
leader, this grease-ball.

Okay, yellow smock, say a
few words, and be quick about it.

Make sure all W2
forms are filled out.

All right, that's enough...

You fellas go forward, others
go aft, I want you to shoot to kill.

All right, men, we're on water.

I don't want any of you walking
too far to the left or to the right.

Remember the training films
we saw about how people sink.

Now, go!

And now, for you entertainment
pleasure, WC Fields...

"Yes, yes, I'll never forget the
time I was in the Himalayas...

in search of a great
Civet cat, there we were..."

You're not laughing.

What?

I hate you people!

That was the first time I've
done those impressions...

without getting a
tremendous round of applause.

Yeah! Let's hear it for him!

Let's really hear it
for him, come on!

Dammit! Truce? Truce?

Yes, I guess so.
Here, help her up.

Let's get out of here. Let's
go down the passageway.

Watch out. You don't know
where they'll come from.

They'll either come from the
left, or the right... or the right.

- Did you see where they went?
- No, no.

Saracen dog!

Spartan pig!

What's going on?

I think we're winning, chief!

All right, men, follow me...

Creep!

What's the matter with them?

These two have been
overcome by too much gas.

I caught 'em below
carrying on in poor taste.

They offend my sensibilities!
Get them off the ship!

You're useless now.
Wait for us on the launch.

Just a second...

I don't think I ever
saw you two before...

Shepard Wong...

You'd never guess
I have no pants on!

I'll take care of him myself!

You watch the porthole.

You go that way. Come on!

Are you ready yet?

What are you doing down there?

I'm selecting an
appropriate mustache.

It's a good thing I
save all my old shaves.

Let's go!

What's that?

There's something's coming out!

What do you think
you're doing, young man?

I'm a government official. I
came here to fumigate the ship.

Good acting! I think
we got 'em fooled.

Bring 'em over here...

Keep walking until we're
right on top of the water.

If we can walk on the water,
they wouldn't dare shoot at us.

It's Wing!

What...?

You let them get
away, you idiot!

Take a clout... and
a hit... and a smash!

If this really is code,
what does it say?

What does this mean?

What do you these
holes in this paper say?

Something about...
hard-boiled eggs.

Are you pulling my leg?

Well, if you don't believe
me, why don't you test me?

Test you, how?

Shepard Wong's ship... it's
supposed to leave tomorrow.

But if this recipe means so much
to Wong, he won't leave, will he?

I don't know why, but you
got a better bandage than I did!

They got away...

You think that's bad? They
give you a great bandage...

and then they make me wear my
coat over it, so no one can see it!

Will you two stop arguing
about your bandages, look at me!

I didn't get any bandage at all!

Hey, boss!

Boss.

Shepard Wong's ship
is not leaving tomorrow.

Because Wong
definitely needs the recipe.

- And he needs it badly.
- How badly?

- Do you still have to go?
- Uh-huh.

And he needs it for a
very special reason...

I'll ask Phil.

- We'll see about that...
- It's for you!

All right.

Put him through.

It's Wong.

Well, he certainly
didn't waste any time.

- Phil, she really has to go...
- Pull yourself together!

Um-hm, okay.

Shepard Wong wants a meeting.

- Wong's desperate for that recipe.
- Why?

Well, I didn't tell you this before,
but he's an egg salad addict.

You mean he's hooked on it?

He's hooked, he's got
a chicken on his back.

Yeah, well, too bad for him.

- What'll we do now?
- Let's go and decode the recipe.

I wonder if this turns it on...

Come on! Let's get on with it.

I'm going to decode
some ancient erotic poetry.

"There once was a
man from Nantucket...

- whose..."
- You're putting me on!

How do I know if I decode
this, you won't kill me?

Kill you?

Take a look at this...

Is this the body of a killer?

You call that a body?

Take a look at this!

Hold it a minute... I only came
in here to decode the recipe.

Hey, look at this!

"Take 2 chopped hard-boiled
eggs, 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise...

Add a pinch of salt..."

We did it! You are
super, Phil, old sport!

You are beautiful!
I think I love you!

Hold it, my pants
are falling down...

Now we get to the telescope...

That's good.

Now a box seat,
a soda box seat...

That was a good one.

Oh, my throat! This Peter
Lorre imitation is killing me!

Everybody shows up
when we have girls to tie up.

All right, Wong...

This is so important,

I'm not gonna use my own voice.

Inchi's a ventriloquist, and
he's gonna do the talking for me.

Hello, Wong?

Now, listen to me...

I want you to meet
me aboard ship at 4 am.

Don't bring any of your hoods,
and I won't bring any of mine.

I got the recipe...

I want you to bring a
million dollars in cash...

and no pennies.

How'd you like that?
He's great, isn't he?

Catch him next Sunday
night on the Sullivan show.

How was I, boss?

Had a little trouble with the M's
and P's, but otherwise great, eh?

Very good. Keep this up and we're
going to get you your own dummy.

And so, my dear friends...

Now I have Shepard
Wong right where I wanted.

Why the look of consternation?

I thought you said you loved
me. How come we're tied up?

I love you in my own way.

Shepard Wong will
pay me a cool million.

All the money he has in
the world for this recipe.

That poor, unfortunate
egg salad junkie...

And that leaves
only you suckers...

Here's to you, my friends.
I wish you good luck!

You should live and be well.

You and each of your partners
will be put into an empty drum...

which will then be filled
with fat Lithuanian midgets.

And then, you will be
dropped into the ocean.

You'll be seeing
a lot this water.

But first, my friend would like
to give his cobra some exercise.

Exercises which you
will enjoy, I'm sure...

Are you ready yet?

Will you excuse me
now, and no hard feelings?

Wing, do you think I'll win an
award for my acting in this picture?

Egomaniac!

This iron pipe will
make a nice award.

You are the worst
actor I've ever seen!

This is for Sonny Tufts!

This is for John Wayne!

And this is for the
owner of this theater!

Gee, boss, you really
know how to hurt a guy!

And now my cobra
can have some fun!

He likes to listen to the radio.

- Is that the Living End?
- No, it's the Lovin' Spoonful.

She dropped her hairpin!

Let it go, and get us
out of this damn cellar!

What do you think I'm doing?

Suki, Suki... Wake up!

All right, you burn to
death like my cobra!

Oh, you snake!
You killed my cobra!

You, you, you beast, you!

My snake! Where am I
going to get a long, thin coffin?

You killed a newlywed.

Somewhere, there's a female
chicken crying her eyes out!

Hey, what are you
doing there, anyway, huh?

Huh?

Have you got the money?

What about the recipe?

Here it is.

- Are you Chinese?
- No, I'm Japanese.

- Are you sure you're not Chinese?
- Yes, I'm sure.

Aw, come on, you're Chinese...

- Okay, I'm Chinese.
- You know, you don't look Chinese.

Take 3 giant
steps backwards...

1...

2...

3.

Thanks for the recipe.

You didn't say "mother, may I".

I'm dying! Call my rabbi!

Well, my dear friend, the
chicken is off your back.

Speaking of games,
it's not real money...

It's Monopoly money!

Monopoly money?

I think I know another game...

Another game?

What's it called?

It's called "kick the can"!

Damn it!

But I still have the recipe.

You think of
everything, don't you?

- Throw the light on him.
- Okay, boss...

I've enjoyed our short
partnership, but it's over.

Throw me the recipe!

The Raspur government
will pay dearly for this.

You'll never find them, jerk!
They're not on the map yet!

Hey, boss!

- What happened to Cobra Man?
- They killed him, and the cobra too.

Dirty rat!

Yeah, but he won't be
killing anybody, anymore.

That the gun he's
got, it's Cobra Man's.

He's got no bullets in it!

No bullets?

No bullets!?

Ah, but if all of you in the
audience who believe in fairies...

will clap your hands...

then my gun will be
magically filled with bullets.

- I don't believe in fairies.
- Don't clap, idiot!

Now, if enough of you
clapped your hands...

or at least if some of
you are true fairy lovers...

my gun should work.

Saracen pig!

Now who believes in fairies?

All right, we'll get rid of him!

Russian snake!

Roman cow!

Phil!

Here's a gun!

- Thank you!
- If you live, call us!

Hang around, I'm gonna
shoot 4 guys with 3 bullets.

1...

2...

1...

2...

Oh, am I exhausted!

Boy, I'm at great piece!

Gee, I wish Phil would get here!

It's getting awfully late!

Here's Phil! Bringing with him the
constant promise of joy and fulfillment...

in its most primitive form.

I hope he brought the vibrator!

What do you want?

From Mr. Moskowitz's doctor.

He must be sick...

"Moskowitz suffered mental
breakdown from strain...

Is convinced he
is a Pan-Am jet."

What does this mean?

He thinks he's an aeroplane!

Ridiculous!

A Pan-Am jet...!

I'm almost to the
end of the runway...

Here I go... Up into the air!

Just listen to my motors...!

Love has found me, and
I have found the way...

and if I shouldn't...

I promised I'd put
her in the film...

Somewhere.