What's My Name Again? (2023) - full transcript

In 1985, a seemingly quintessential Southern California teen's identity unravels as he's forced to choose one of his 3 fathers' last names before he comes of age.

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Back then,
I was searching for myself

and the three jokers
that call themselves my father.

That's Bo Baxter with the W.


Crushed it, Big Bax!

you look good.

I guess I still am.

The path isn't so clear

when the man of the house
and my mom's name

changed three times before
I got my driver's license.

All I wanted was one of the
families I saw on my TV screen.

Hey, hey, hey-o.

Come on, I'll give you plenty
of more yards come Monday.

-You okay, coach?
-You need a breather, BB.

I'll take a breather when
I get that letter in the mail.

-What was my time?
-Your time?

You keep swimming like that,

don't worry about
setting any records.

What are you talking about?
I was in the locker room

before Tony touched-- I blew
out so much water out of this--

That's my point exactly.

You wanna drift with
the Tonys of the world?

So be it.

You wanna hit your times,

you need to clear
that big head of yours

and whatever you're
fighting with in those stands.

Get dry and clear.

Full ride is on the line.

Welcome to mi casa.

The current residents are my
half-sister, Dee Dee Baxter,

mi madre, born Karen Williams,

to Olafsson, then Baxter,

and now her third husband's
last name, Humpton.

Hopefully Jimmy is
Karen's final victim.

"BB. BB,
you're gonna have to

make your head clear."

You got it, Bax.

Hey, Bo, I'm home!

Don't be chokin' your chicken,
I'm comin' in!

Howdy, space cowboy.

That'll be two bucks
for the grass, por favor.

Now come help me
unload the wagon.

What's the occasion?

Your birthday,
you numbskull.

I thought it was pretty clear.

Oh, tough titty says the kitty.

Mama likes to party.

Now get off your ass!

Are all my daddies
making an appearance?

You bet your
Speedo-tanned hiney.

You have one new message.

Hey, my son.
Do you wanna hit me back?

-Just call-- call-amundo.

- Delete.
- And, uh, you know--

Next message.

- Bax.
- Oh, delete.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

I hope he croaks
before the party tomorrow.

You know what?

Let him croak mid-party.

Just joshing.

At least they call.


At Least They Call:
A Memoir by Bo Baxter.

Those fruity fuckers
got one more chance to show up.

Either way,
I'm making a name for myself.

They can either take credit
from the front row

or read about it in The Tribune
like everyone else.

You've always been
a speedy swimmer.

Robert lasted
all of three seconds,

and he still won the race.


Does that mean you're
gonna be a big college boy?

Got some word
from the state coach.

You're better than that.

Your buds for brains dad
made it through state.

I committed to UCSD.
I'm staying in San Diego.

-Save the pep talk, Karen.

-Thanks for dinner, madre.
-Where are you going?


It's Friday night, boy.
What are you doing?

Studying our ceiling?

It's the only way
her parents will let me in.

Hold up a sec.

Another divorce?

Dee Dee?

Hey, it's the California
gas and electric man.

Yes, I'm getting a divorce.

Hey, mate. How's it hanging?

Well, my cock and my socks
would be knee-highs.

I'm home,
and I'm hungry!

He didn't feed you yet?
It's seven o'clock.

God, that man makes Jimmy
look like father of the year.

Ah, you can't do much damage
from 100 miles away.

Yeah, you can. Look at Bo.

Okay, wannabe-Madonna.

Do not call me that, Robert Jr.

Oh, sit down, shut up, and eat.
I have to talk to your brother.

- Okay.
- All right.

Hey, there, neighbor!


Who would have thought
I'd miss living on a street

with a bunch of fratties?

At least they knew
how to throw a good banger,

you know what I mean?


All right.

So, Scott and I got together
when you were three,

got married when you were four,

'cause we decided we were gonna
have your bitchy sister.

Maybe she was a mistake.

Those years are a bit of a blur,
if you catch my drift.

Anyhoo, we decided it would
be best if Scott adopted you.

He was already footing the bill.

-Yeah, I-- I-- I was there.
-Hold on to your nut huggers.

-I'm getting there.
-I'm just--

Just spill it, woman.

It's getting late.
Alea has a bedtime.


Jesus, Karen.

What? You know I get gassy
when I'm nervous!

Just stop stalling.

Ugh, I've waited 12 years.

I can wait one more day. Go.

Enjoy your last
Friday night of boyhood.


Wear a tiny raincoat!

I'm too young to be a grandma!

This place is for yuppies.

Bo, pay at the register.
It's about time.

I'm off the clock.

I'm just here
for some chump change,

-and, uh, some of these.
-You can grab it yourself.


You want my a.m. tomorrow?

That's my day of birth.

- Hmm.
- I mean, it's my party, but...

When do you want me there?

I'm in.
You can have my Sunday a.m.

The hangover shift.

Ah, special delivery.

Your lady's got the goods.

I mean, there is one thing
I'd like to unwrap.

You haven't earned it.

Get lost, twerps!

I'm about to lose my cool.

Sorry, Baba.

We just want a little privacy
from the girls.

Bo's opening
his birthday presents.

Just open the door, Alea.

Okay, okay.

Wasn't even locked.

Hi, Mr. Kai.

what's your family name again?

- Uh, it's Bax--
- I want to show you nothing.

What do you not see?

- What do I not--
- You do not see

the oil spew
that tainted my lovely drive,

because I did your job for you.

I checked your oil.

- Shit.
- You owe me $5.

- Dad.
- I'll move it right away, sir.

Keep the money.

My birthday gift to you.

You see, a man treats himself
as he treats his car.

You have 30 minutes, Miss Kai.

And consider the bed
to be the border.

Okay. Goodbye.

Should be calling me
Mr. Son in no time.

A man cares about
four things in this world:

his cars, his house,
his food, and his family.

In that order.

Oh, suck it up.

He could have brought you a mop
and put you to work.

Another daddy
down the drain.

He likes you enough
to tolerate your mom

asking if he rode
a camel to school,

calling him "Baghdaddy,"

and asking for a hookup
on oil prices, so...

He must really like you.

What is it?

Did something happen
with your dads?

Absolutely not.

What didn't they do?

Show up? Parent? Minimal effort?

Does it usually bother you?


Baghdaddy hasn't been to
a single one of my swim meets.

That's not the same.

Why not?

Because you have a dad, Alea.

A father who loves you.

Your mother,
all 25 of your siblings

under one fucking roof.

That's what they call a family.


Small one first.

You leave right now.

Happy early birthday, Bo.

Say hello to your mother
and your-- her husband.

I will. Thank you for having me.

Bye, Bo.

Good morning!

Good morning.

Bride of Frankenstein.
Why have you risen?

Oh, Jimmy woke my arse up.
Some grid emergency.

-So, whipped up your fave.
-Muchas gracias.

Cup of mud?

No, I'll get some on the way.

Cigarette? Reefer?

-You already on the sauce?
-I should be.

- Mom.
- Oh...

Do not exit the building!

There ain't no respect
for a single divorcée

with a bastard child
in this world.

Technically, you're a bastard.

My wittle bastard.

The point is,

I didn't wanna make that
decision for you.

What decision?

I wanted a bigger family,
and I loved Scott.

God knows why.

But I didn't know
what was gonna happen.

I wanted you to
have a say in your name.

I mean, you've become a Baxter,

but your roots
are still Olafsson.

You look just like
the gangly noid.

So, after Scott,

Robert and I sat down

and we filled out
the adoption paperwork.

I failed.

Take good care of him.

Instead of taking them
to the Superior Court,

I hid them.

Say something.

I did it for you, buddy.

The only thing you did for me
was forget to wear a raincoat.

I gave you a choice.

Dogshit! You forgot to file.

Do you know how many people wish

- they could choose who they are?
- You forgot to file.

-You forgot to file!
-Their name, their father.

I'll decide who the fuck
I'm gonna be after CIF.

Right now,
my team's counting on Bo Baxter,

-and so is my scholarship.
-Well, that's the thing.

Baz says you need to apply early
to get a scholarship,

and we need you
to get a scholarship.

I didn't go to college
because I couldn't afford it.

Well, that, and I got preggers,

and they kicked me
out of high school.

But I am not letting
that happen to my boy.

So decide who the hell you are
and show the whole damn world!

And do it quick, because
the apps are due next week.

You have to file
your name by Monday.

I just wanna wipe away
some of the mistakes I made

while you were growing up.

It'll be a fresh start, buddy.

So you can really
make a name for yourself.

I'd know.

I've had four.

All right...

what have I done to deserve
not being force-fed

your weekly disgustingly
detailed play-by-play?

Sounds like you miss it,
you little pervomaniac.

I didn't wanna hear
about it last weekend,

the weekend before that,

and I-- I don't wanna
hear about it now.

I'm just wondering if Alea's dad

-finally, uh, slapped on the--
-No, no. Don't get all dick-bent

just 'cause you didn't
get any last night,

last weekend, or ever.

I have a nice, straight dick.

And I get it.

- I get it, all right?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Who gave it to you?

I-- I'm no playboy.

I'm no playboy.

Um, that's for damn sure, Griff.

You're the first Tommy John
candidate from playing 5-1-1.

-Donna. Last summer.

-Last summer?
-Yeah, she wasn't on your radar.

-I met her in elementary school.

It wasn't worth
the announcement.

How did it go down?
Did you call her up?

"Hey, Donna, it's me, Griff,
from the third grade, remember?

You wanna, I don't know,
come over tonight

and swipe my V-card?"



I'm just fucking with you,

I fly, I buy. What do you want?

Uh, just go to 7-Eleven.
It's cheaper.

-What the fuck?
-Donut shop has better coffee.


I mean, Olafsson.

You sure, man?

The name on your coffee order
is muy importante.

Just put down "Kenny G."

She's kidding.

You are much more handsome
than the G-spot.

And, uh, you don't
look like you blow.


What is this?
The fucking donut shop duet?


We really need to know

what name you're
going with, man.


...I said Olafsson.

Son of Olaf it is.


Just give me my coffees.

One buck, my G.

Do you know how many people

wish they could choose
who they are?

You forgot to file!

Their name, their father?


Order's up.

Two coffees
for the son of Olaf.

You gonna rubberneck,

or are you gonna ride one
like you rode Donna?

I'm revving up.
I'm ready to-- ready to go.

-I'm ready to go.

Sick board.

Whoo. Let's get after it.

Watch out!

Where the fuck you going?



What do you think
you're doing, you fucker?

Don't think we'll be hitting
the surf parties any time soon.

Never really our scene.

You're gonna run out of options.

One day you're gonna end up

on the wrong end of a fist.

Or a set of steel bars.

He did save my faggy ass
from getting licked.

Griff, defending you
was just an excuse.

Let me guess.

Big, bad Bo
threw the first punch.

your order's ready.

Who's humpin'? Hello!

-Gettin' into porn, Bax?
-You know it, big Tone.

Harder, Humpton! Harder!

Fuck off, Tony.


-What's with aliens?
-I don't know.

Trying to secure
a stool at the Beachcomber?

Um, Legacy Gig.

"San Diego Gas and Electric"!


-Yeah. All right.

- Horchata?
- Gracias.

Can I get you
anything, amigo?



No. Yeah, no. Yeah.

You look like a class
that we've had before--

no, I mean...

You're the--
no, you're the wrong--

the wrong guy.

You're the wrong guy.
Clearly, you're-- you don't--

Okay. Let me know
if you need anything.

No, I'm okay.

- Okay.
- Yeah, I don't need anything.

I'll let you know.

Dude, are you high?

Hey, guys.

Want a hit?

Absolutely not, but puff harder.
We're running late.

Puff harder!

Wow. Okay.

Is this
all you listen to?

This is a family neighborhood.

Cut the hippie shit.

We're very sorry, sir.
We'll-- we'll keep it down.

Yeah, mister, we're not smoking.

I, uh-- my, uh--
my-- my-- my sock's on fire.

You gotta help me.

He's forcing me to suck on the--

Yo, cram it, dude.

What's your beef?

Karen smokes a doobie a day,
at least.

Yeah, she can handle it,
bitch boy.

Grab my socks.


Why do they call it
the devil's lettuce?

'Cause it's nutritious,
and it makes your eyes

as red as the devil's bum.

tell Karen we eloped to Mexico.

Like father, like son. Requests?

-Screwdriver, please.

You need a double, AK.

Baz wasn't right or wrong.

What could you
possibly be bragging about?

Bo Baxter tied for the record.

Yes, Bo Baxter, you did it.


Will you just spill already?

You blew up on me,
then blitzed,

and-- and now
you're beating people up again.

Something's up.

Daddy said it best.

What's my name again?

I think you're stoned.

I'm not stoned.

-For what?

I actually don't know
who the hell I'm gonna be.

Stop being so cryptic.

All right.

Karen never filed
Scott's adoption paperwork.

That means my government name
is still...

Olafsson or...


Or Baxter.

You don't have to
change the name, Bo.

-You just have to make it yours.
-It's not that simple.

It-- it is that simple.

You're right, Alea.

I'm pissed off
all the fucking time,

and I blew up.
You wanna know why?

Because you can use anger
like fucking fuel,

but you can't use sadness.

Look, I despise my dads

for what they did
to me and my mom.

But I fucking need them,
because I don't know

who the hell I am,

but I'm fighting for fucking
attention all the time,

trying to win
at every single thing I do

so that I can win them over.


You think the approval rating
would be higher with three dads?


They're so caught up
hating each other

and blaming Karen
for their shitty lives.

They pretend I didn't exist.

They just threw
the shit back on me.

I have to go in there
and confront my past 18 years.

My entire life.

And make a decision that's
gonna shape the rest of it.

I'm not just
choosing a name, Alea.

I'm deciding
who the fuck I'm gonna be.

I know exactly
what you're capable of.

That's why I'm with you, Bo,

but you gotta decide
who you are for yourself,

not for your fathers.

Or you're gonna end up
just like them.

Happy birthday, Boey!

Hello there.

Where's your plus one?

I'm his girlfriend,
don't mind me.

I meant Griff.

All right,
I am way too stoned for this.

Who's the baddie?

Sandy Bluffer.

Uh, old friend. Family friend.

All right, we used to
mess around back in the day.

Dated, prom, the whole shabang.

She works
at the pizza place

next to the record shop
and gas station.

She smells like pepperoni.

She's still
a bit sprung on me.

Alea doesn't need to know that.

Oh, you must be Sandy.

Are you dropping off
some pizzas?

Find me later, Boey.

I have something
extra special for you.

Hey. Sandy's like, level one.

I mean, you best get
your words about your woman,

because we want to make
a good impression.

Oh, yeah,
like you do with my dad?

Don't you
worry about me, birthday boy.

Hit me!

You got some.

You're breaking the law, G-Pa.

If he can fuck,
he can fight, he can drink.

Pour me a fucking drink.

Get your own.

That's my G-Pa,
Karen's dad.

A real crazy motherfucker.

Loves a birthday bash

or any excuse
to break out the booze locker

with his brother, Uncle.

Doesn't say much,
but he's got a hell of a riff

for every occasion.

Whether you like it or not.

The older,
not-so-wiser version of Karen

is my Aunt Kelly.

Rad, Uncle.


Nice of you to show up.


Those balls dropped yet?

I'll show you later, boys.

The cock-eyed dirt bag
is Old Rusty,

my mom's husband Jimmy's
high school bestie.

He's a beer delivery man.

Clearly that guy who gets
fucked up on his own supply.

So this is the lady lover, huh?

-Hi, Rusty. I'm Alea.


Whereabouts your family from?

Oh, nowhere.
AKA Rancho, San Diego.

Before that.

Just outside of Detroit.

-Before that.
-Lay off her, dude.

Whoa, okay,
can't a guy get to know a girl?

Old Rusty's busted again.

How old are you, darling?

You're seriously
barfing me out, Rust.

I'm 17 for three more months.

Oh, tough luck, Bax.

Jail bait now.

You should go
check in with Karen.

She's seriously
ticked you're late.

There's Dee Dee.

We're related.

The headbanger is Rebecca.

She's half of my cousins,
the Twisted Sisters.

I'm going.
Better be careful, Russ.

I'm old enough
to get to know your lady.

That's your man's fault.

Oh, my God!

Okay. All right. Okay.

-Hi, Mommy!

Son of a prick.

Sorry I'm late.

Clearly too busy
chiefin' the reefer.

You're bouncy, my lady.

Tall glass of vodka
with a sniff of OJ.

I asked for
a screwdriver, Griff,

not a midnight train
to blackout town.

-We missed you.
-Hello there, big boy.

You've met mi madre.

Karen Eileen Williams
Olafsson Baxter Humpton

or, uh, KEWOBH for short.

Don't play cards with her.
Especially 99.

Eh, G-Ma must have booted Kelly.

Taking her seat
is the lesser fun

of the Twisted Sisters, Rachel.

And that's Sandy. In 20 years.

Her identical twin mother,
Marsha Bluffer.

She also wants
my dick and balls.

Behind the pink binoculars
is our vodka pickled matriarch.

G-Ma's salty,
even when she's sweet.

The overjoyed biker chica

is Rusty's better,
uh, or worse half.

I don't know. She's Brenda.

Hello there, big boy.

Or should I say big man?

-Legal adult.

Big man.

Who's your new pal?

She's very tan.

It's Alea.

-I'm his girlf--
-Yeah. Did you see my Sandy?

She dolled herself all up
for your big day.

Would you quit
your huffing, Bluffer?

He doesn't wanna
date your daughter.

Now, sit down, honey.
I'll deal you in.

Um, I'll just watch.
I've never played 99 before.

Can you count?

Well, then you can play.

Park your tiny tush next to me.

Tits only, Bo.

Go, uh, save Jimmy
from your dads.

He's as bored as
a midget at a theme park.

You best not get me whipped.

I can still whip you.

How are you, G-Ma?

I'd be better if your cousin
played better than she looks.

What's 97 plus two, G-Ma?

I believe that's 99!

Cheap, cheap.

-Fork it over, Dorothy!

Oh, yeah, dude, it's--

-it's American ingenuity.



Where do I start
with these jokers?

These are mis padres.

I've got a full bullpen.

The gangly noid is my blood.

Robert Olafsson.

The guilt-stricken
porn-stashe-wearing one?

Yeah, that's my stepdaddy,
Scott Baxter.

And to round it out,

the jolly jackass
is our reliever.

Jimmy Humpton.

Hey, uh, how many
illegitimate fathers

does it take
to burn the burgers?

Fuck off.

Are you ignoring me?


Who else knows about this?

Just you and I, buddy boy.

Let's keep it that way.

So, what will I be calling you?

Bo Cleaver? Bo Buffet?

Just Bo, like Bono?

It's been four hours.

Well, you have
all three of them in one place.

As good a day as any
to figure out

which daddy you like best.

What does Alea think?

Probably wants you
to take her name.

It's actually kind of perfect.

Kai means wave.

Do you wear a towel
on your head?

Hey, anything's better
than B-B-Baxter.

He's a rich fucker now.

Of course
he struck gold and shit

after I dumped his ass.

But really, what'd she say?

She's one of them smarties.

Pretty sure she
intentionally lost at 99

because she couldn't
handle G-Ma's smack.

She said keep it.

I'm already making
a name for myself.

Maybe not so smart after all.


I haven't told him.

I love that little homo.

- He's no homo.
- Yeah.

And I have perfectly taut,
symmetrical buns.

N-- no.

No, no, absolute--
no, absolutely not.

Why not?

I don't need you
to sleep with her, okay?

Just turn up the flirt a little
and keep her away from my man.

You're a fresh catch.
It shouldn't be too difficult.

Look, I wanna help you out.
I do.

I know how clingy
she gets with Bo.

But I know too much.

Uh, he-- he is no gentleman

when it comes
to bedtime stories.

Does he tell you about us?

That mother of hers
has a stick up her snatch...

but I think she's a keeper.

You should hear
what they say about you.

Just don't do anything
your daddies would do.

Oh, words I live by.

I've been thinking...

Oh, no.

You know
I can't keep a secret,

and I've held it in
for 12 years.

-I'm about to explode.


They deserve to know.

Scott's gonna be the one
doing the exploding,

and Robert's gonna think
it's the motherfucking universe

trying to bring me back to him!

Maybe it is.

I mean, might as well see
what they have to say.

This could bring you
closer to them.

You know how important
that family tree is to Robert,

and the best damn day
of Scott's life

was when he got his son,
or thought he did.

Absolutely not, Karen.

Trust me on this.
This is a bad idea.

Terrible idea.

Won't say another word.

Say swear.

Pig in a poke.

You still have to talk to them

or else they'll come
bitching to me about it.

Oh. Wouldn't wanna
ruin your special day.

Three in a row! Chug, sucker!

- Why is it always me?
- She's a freak of nature.

I mean, you should see her
when the sun goes down.

- Gag me with a spoon.
- Go play with your friends.

Oh, wait.

All right, watch and learn.

I get to make one more rule.

I hate the rules.

'cause you can't remember them.

I remember
you're a bitch, Becca.

Take it easy, Twisted Sisters.

Okay, got it.

Rule number two.
You can't say any names.

Darn, it looks like
I have to kiss you now, Sandy.


Rock my world, Griff.


Hey, Griffy!

Was that your first kiss, Griff?

Not a chance.

Those are the lushest lips
I've ever locked.

Yeah, sure looked like it.

Please tell us.
What did you taste?

Yeah. You weren't kidding.

Parmesan and pepperoni.

He used to love my flavor.

All right,
let's play some quarters.

- Any other rules?
- Yes.

If you miss, you have to
kiss the person to your left.


Drink, pizza breath.
Not you, him.

Ah, let me get here,
you amateurs!

In my day, they called me Swish!

Ah. Well, what are we doing?

Are we playing quarters

or are we playing
spin the bottle?

Ah, you're so luscious,
you're so luscious.

Give me a coin.

If you miss, you have to kiss
the person to your left.

All right. Okay, okay.

Grow up, Jim.

And drink.
And you can't say any names.

Oh, twist my arm. Okay. Wait.

Can I grab word, Jimbo?
Just a quickie.

Just a quickie?
Just a quickie?



Swish is back, baby!

Attaboy, Jimmy!

We kiss again?

This is quick.
You gotta be snoring by now.

So, Karen--

You ever seen a baby pigeon?

I mean,
now that I think about it,

I haven't, but--

I have never seen a baby pigeon,

which means that either
the pigeons, they come out,

you know, full bird.

Or pigeon parents,

they do the nasty,
they lay the egg,

and they take off.

Leave the poor little pidgies
to fend for themselves.

It's kind of what it was like
in my growing up days, you know?

Similar program with my...


I mean, I turned out all right.

Your mom didn't take off, so...

She just fucking swore-

No, no, no.
She told me years ago, mate.

Come on. Years.

Hey, shit.

I thought one was tough.

You got more daddies than
a whore on nickel night.

Just keep it between us.

Who's the sailor, mate?

Loose lips eat dicks.


So what's the play?

Keep Scott's name
or take Robert's?

That's lose and loser
if you're asking me.


You know, I am...

I am beginning to understand

why grandparents are so
supportive of their kids' kids.

You know?

I know that
I am not your gramps,

and I'm-- I'm not your padre.

But, you know, I've been...

I've been trying
to right some wrongs.

You know?

Uh, I-- I know that you were...

two pubes away from being a man
when I showed up...

but you can take my name.

If you wanna stick it to 'em.

That'd be worse for your kids
than my dad's.

I mean, your name's Humpton.

Jimmy doesn't wear a jimmy,
but he humps a ton.

Dude! That's my mom.

Your mom's a dandy lady.

She falls for dopes,

but she's a dandy lady.

All she gives a damn about
is having a good time

and her nest.

she even takes care of her exes.

Your mom will know
what's best, mate.

Just like always.

I hope you like your weenies big

and your buns hard!

I know Karen does.

You've got as
much meat in your pants

as a veg restaurant!

Come check my veg wrap.

Hey, mate, wanna smell?
Check that out.

-Smell. Come here, come here.
-Dude, get--

-Come here. Come here.
-Get out of here!

Fucking coward.

It says auto focus.

Why do I need a lens
if I got auto focus?

Man, you're not an artist.

Well, why would you
watch it swim?

Just wanted to thank
all of our beautiful friends

and family for being here

to celebrate our Bo boy.

Yeah, Bo!

Even you, Scott.

You can finally share
a legal cocktail.

In Mexico.

He's officially a man,

but he's been
the man of the house

since he was yay high.

Yeah, well, you were all over
my manhood last night, so.

Jesus, Jimmy.

You know, we started
renting this house

when I was still in school, son.

before I bought it.

-Shut the fuck up!
-Shut the front door, Scott!

Hang on a second.

I took Bo down to the Comber
for his 21st, like...

two years ago.

You really are one short
in a six pack, aren't you?

You took me because
I got my driver's license

and you needed a DD.

That was
a hell of a day.

You rode on top of the Beetle
from the DMV

all the way to Mission Bar.

Yeah, and then you
yarfed in your beer glass

and gave it back to Sheila.

And then--
and then ordered another round.

And then I picked
your drunk ass up

-from the drunk tank.
-Thank you, Mom.

-That was his birthday.

His was the TJ drunk tank,
and I was in it.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

It cost me a month's pay
to get her out of there.


Brenda flashed the guards.

Cowabunga, baby.

Them's my girls.


We've had some good times,
haven't we?

Very questionable for
a mother and son, but...

good times indeed.

I love you, big buddy.

You're the best friend
I always needed.

Come here.

Get a room.

Get a job.

Here we go.

So I-- I told Bo--

Oh, you're as dumb
as they come, Humpton.

Now he'll trusts me
as much as he trust--

I told him to listen
to his dandy lady.

Oh, you're a good boy.

Can I sleep in your bed tonight?

So what do you think?

Anything but
that dicknose's name.

The nerve he has bringing
his blow-up bimbo to my party!

She looks kind of
like a younger you, yeah.

Except for the booze
and the babies.

Scott does know
how to pick them.

- That he do.
- She's quite a looker.

You're into hookers.


You want me to toss Scott's ass?

- Like a salad?
- I'd pay to see that.

How much are you gonna pay?

How much you got?
I'll give you a discount.

I'll give it cheap, real cheap.
Come on.

It was on the pump this morning.

It was, huh?

I saw it from my front porch.

Some of my favorite editions
from '84.

Tuck those away. They're gonna
be worth some coin someday.

What? What was this?

Some words that
might help you out.

With what? When did you
write a self-help book?

I've been shooting
the pier long before

I ever laid you on a board, son.

Guy had it coming.


will solve nothing.

It doesn't build anything,

and it can cost you...

the rest of your--

And what chapter
am I gonna find that gem?


I might be naive, but peace,
joy, and enlightenment

isn't gonna stop my buddy
from getting double-teamed.

The PB is full of wasteoids
these days.

If you want a spot
in the lineup,

you're gonna have to
fight for it.

You don't own real estate
in the Pacific, son.

And you're college bound.

Being a brute may get you in,

but it's not gonna
serve you once you're out.


Okay, teach.

You know why subs
never teach real lessons?

Uh, because they called out
very last minute,

and they didn't have time
to give the teacher--

The kids won't listen.

The subs didn't put in the time
to earn their respect.

He has a half day, madre.

And he's dropping you at home?

That's what the man said.

- Use the phone at--
- I know the drill.

Are you seeing this?

You're as sharp
as you are sexy.

You're welcome.

Hey, Dad, you see
Tony's bomb last night?

Bax, toss your old man
a cold one.

Hi, Scott. How are you?


What are you, a law-abiding
citizen all of a sudden?

Looks like you got a can
in your hand to me.

Can't drink
that light piss anyway.

Dee Dee, grab your old man
a banquet beer from the fridge.

Wait, I need a refill.

So, how's the shit business
these days?

Your mother's
in the talking shit business.

I'm rich off manure.

You can pay for my school?

I taught your ass to swim
and that better pay off.

I drew up
some PBS.

My boy.
Give me that CIF color.

I feel unbeatable.

Gotta be
the new weight program.

-Baz is pushing me.
-Just like I told him.

He said you've been over revving
six gear.

-Who said?
-Baz said.

- You talked to my coach?
- He answers when I call.

It would have been easier
just to show up

-for the 21 second race.
-Tell that to my boss.

-You have your own business.
-21 seconds.

Sub 22 fucking seconds.

If I had me to coach me,
I'd have been a legend.

You're a legend to me, old man.

Happy birthday to you, Bo.

Linda, can you give us
a fucking minute?

Talking to Bax.

Looks like he has other things
on his mind.

Oh, God! Oh!

Thanks for coming, Linda.

My pleasure.

And Scottie boy,
I'm about to become a man.

How about we cut it out
with the nicknames?

Call me Bo.

What are you doing up here?

If we hurry up we can catch
the last inning.

You didn't see shit.

It won't happen again.

Bax, can we please
keep this between us?

Yeah, it won't
ever happen again.

You have my word.

Fuck you
and your fucking word, Scott.

This is my goddamn house.
Keep your mouth shut.


Poor little buddy.

He's been searching
for Ward Cleaver

in anyone over 30
with a set of huevos.

Not gonna find 'em here.

It's not about me
having my huevos scrambled,

'cause you were the one
that told me

to get my tubes tied.

No speaking while he opens!

Oh, you're fine.

Rebecca, zip it
or I'll hog tie you

and throw you
in the basement.

One for me, please.

Thanks, mom, I totally needed

nine identical pairs
of tighty whities.

One for each day of the week
and two just--

Around the world!

Come on.

The one by your left foot
is from your G-Pa and I.

Every man needs a suit.

You go ahead and try that on.

I mean, shit, my muscle,

back in my fighting days,

I was built
like a brick shithouse.

Thanks G-Pa,
it really means a lot.

You keep making me proud.

I'll just go fuck myself.

That's beautiful, Daddy-o.

And you too, Mom.

All right.
Who's gonna top that?

My gift's private.

Is Sandy giving Bo the clap?

The clap is not as fun
as it sounds.

Let's go upstairs.


What is that? I can't see.

They're drinking coins
for the Beachcomber.

-Yeah, baby!
-Here we go.

That's lovely, Jimmy.

A thoughtful present
for an 18-year-old.

Well, thank you, G-Ma.
I thought you'd appreciate it.

Nobody likes getting lubed up
more than you do.

I've been saving those

for longer
than you've been alive.


I've been stealing those
for longer

than you've been alive.

He's got more Comber coin
than real coin,

- that's for dang sure.
- Yeah.

Well, I say
we ram this popsicle stand

and go to the beach!

Drinks on me!
Me's on drink!

-Drinks on--
-Sit down, Stooges.

-Damn it.
-Scott. You're up next.


- Earth to oblong schnoz?
- What?

Do you have a present
for your son?

-Yup. Here it is.

It's from your sister and I.

Eat the apple.

On your mark.

That's my boy!


For when you go off
to college.

I guess I'll kind of
sort of miss you.

And that's all she wrote.

Hope you got everything
you ever dreamed of, buddy boy.

Now, Jimmy,
turn on the tunes,

and someone pour Mama
another drink.

Yeah, Mama. Yeah, okay.

Did Bluffer
just deflower baby boy?

Dance with me, old man.

Cut it out, Bax.



What's that supposed to mean?

It means that if I were Bo,
I would be relieved

that you were sticking it
in a blow-up doll,

and that I didn't have
to take your last name.

Have another drink,
Humpty Dummy.

-Awesome idea.
-Jimmy, shut your yap hole.


Keep him on a short leash,

I might be drunk,

but you have a dick for a nose.

You have a problem with me,
we can head outside

- and handle it.
- All right,.

Your family's gnarly.
I love it.

Let's lower our voices
and conversate.

Anger is like--

Nobody ever knows

what the heck
you're talking about, Olafsson.

Turn down the music.
I can't hear shit.

Man, both of your daddies
are duds.

Just take my name.

I'll walk you out.

Wait a second, son.

What's all this
name stuff about?

He didn't tell you either!

I must be
the number one daddy on the--

Take it easy, sailor.

It's nothing, Olaf.
I'll tell you about it later.

Sure sounds like something.


It's nothing.
We'll talk about it later.

Uh, it's something,
actually, because, uh,

you were never actually
his daddy.


You translate for your moron.

I'm choosing a fucking name!


I raised that boy.

You gave him some food,
a bed,

and trained him up
like a canine.

A-- a-- and what exactly
did you do, Roberto?

You-- you drop off
some used cartoons

and some papier-mâché?

What is that, man?
Is that parenthood by osmosis?

What have I ever done
to disrespect you?

You walked out on my girl

and my best friend,
man, that's what.

Oh, you should be thanking him,
you nimrod.

Hey, you're right.
Thanks, nimrod.

You too, dicknose.

I thought
I was your best friend.

What fucking name
are you choosing, Bo?

Say it right here, right now.

Be a coward like
the rest of your bloodline.

Not another step,
you money grubbing,

socially awkward,
two-timing son of a bitch.

If it weren't
for my granddaughter,

you wouldn't be allowed
100 miles within this house.

Tell him, gramps.

I've had enough
of your drunken dribble

for a lifetime!

Oh, shit!

Get him, Jim!-

No, no, no, no, no, no!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, I don't care if you crack
each other's nuts all night,

just don't do it
in my house.

fight it out,
don't fight it out!

Zip it up, dolt!

Come and get me!

Scott, you put
your filthy paws on my grandpa,

I'm gonna give you
a new fucking nose job.

All right,
it's time to split.

Jimmy's right for the first time
in his fucking life.

Get out, Baxter Bo!

Slow up, son.

Talk to your father.

He'll talk to you tomorrow, Rob.

Make good choices.

Why didn't you tell me?

You can't even solve
your own problems.


What is that supposed to mean?


How about you stop lying
to yourself, for starters?

Yeah. Get real.

The only one
lying to themselves is you.

You do everything you can
to push away your dads

and blame
on your daddy issues.

Says the fucking guy
who hasn't said

more than one word
other than "Yes, sir, no, sir"

since the eighth grade.

All my dad and I have in common
is our last name.

He'd trade me
for someone like you

like I was a fucking pink slip.

You have three dads
that are willing to show up,

deal with each other's baggage
just to see you.

of what they call you.

Why don't we take a chill pill
and go to the beach?

Fuck the chill pill.

I nearly wet myself!

You shouldn't be walking
in the middle of the street.

And you shouldn't be riding
on the roof

or letting Rusty drive blind.

Rusty don't get drunk on beer.

That's true.
It's a real gift.

Glad to see
you got out of dodge, mate.

Or should I say

young Humpton?

Fair enough. Fair enough.

We're on our way to the Comber
to wash off that shitshow,

and it looks like you guys
need to do the same.

Come on. All aboard.

You think we can spend 20 years
of collecting in one night?

I-- I am not going
to the Comber,

that place
is full of crusty reefs.

Oh, come on, kid.

Put that coin to good use!

All yours.


Ah, stop here!

That port has got more firepower
than we had in Nam.

You were a line cook in Nam.

- Fuck you.
- But truth.

Hop out before these mutts
start sniffing up my ass.

Ol' Rusty may be a bit rusty.

If you make it home tonight

tell Mom we headed south.

I will do my best.

What do loose lips eat again?

There's a great donkey show

across the street
from Rose's.

-Donkey show?
-You are sick geezer, Rusty.

-Everybody's got to see it once.

That sound...

will change you.

Adios, amigos!

Steer clear of Rose's and, um,

I'm sorry that I embarrassed
your stepdad.

And only because
it's your birthday!

Feliz cumpleaños, papi!

Feliz cumpleaños, papi!

Feliz cumpleaños, papi!-

Jimmy is an idiot,
but you gotta love him.

I've seen his bum more
than I've seen a woman's.

Dude, I would not mention
that to Sandy.

this place
is called the Tequila Garden,

for fuck's sake.

The name's in English.

And the customers
are gringos like you.

And the tequila?
Mmm, let me see.

Mm. Es mierda.

You want your booze
with no rules?

You guys are in the right spot.

You want authentic Tijuana
then head down to Calle la Rosa

where you get your donkey kicked
and your chicken stolen.

Sounds like my kind of party.

Muchas gracias.

I mean, thank-- thanks.
Don't mind the birthday boy.

He just got some chonies
and some fake money.


Do you take dollars?

Another problem solved.

To dancing
till the sun comes up.

To taking the name
of our fathers and nothing else.

I like my dad and his name.

The bar isn't going anywhere.

I want to dance.

Hey. What's got
your chonies up in a bunch?

Dad fights stepdad.
Typical birthday bash.

Is that funny?

You gonna handle your booze

the same way that you couldn't
handle your daddy issues?

I can handle my booze.

Uno mas.


Your gringo problems
mean nada in Mexico.


And your tiny dancer...

if I were you,

I would get down
on both of my knees and pray.

I'll be at the bar.

You dragged me down here.
Now get up and twirl me.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to make this
a night we won't forget.

For the right reason.

With me, Alea?

Hmm. Experimenting.

Proving to Baghdaddy that
women can think for themselves.

Your dad knows a clunker
from a corvette.

Just stay clear of my shit show
when you still can.

I could if I wanted to.

But I want you.

I want us.

You are the one and only.

It only takes one.

But seriously,
give props where they're due.

Karen might not be
in line for sainthood,

but she's always there for you.

You're one of the smart ones.

Nothing else matters
when I'm with you.

I know...

exactly who
and where I wanna be.

And where's that?

Oh, no,
desperation station.


This is the exact spot
I met you.

Alea Kai, I wanna build
my family around you.

Will you marry me?

- I love you.
- You do?

But I can't.

No, we're not like--

- Just let him-- just let him be.
- beer.

He had seven beers.

He's gonna
pick a fight with someone

and this time
he's not going to win!

Fuck, fuck,
you're right. Fuck.

He's a big dick
and he's looking for something

to fucking-- Let's go.

Oh, I am in pain.

Deep physical
and emotional pain.

I'll never be the same.

Just go home.

You took off.

I didn't need a psychic
to read your mind.

I'm 17, Bo.

Yeah, I want to get engaged

but not like that,

drunk and desperate
in a shitty underage bar?

I am bet--

we are better than that.

Haven't you learned anything
from your parents?

I'm better off alone.

Clutch, then we can bounce.

Let's dial Karen and go to bed.

Karen, yes.

Brenda flashed the guards.

That's my girls.

Yes. My girls.

Mr. Officer.

We need to get
the frick out of Tijuana.

Rough night.

I'm sorry.

-Super, super sorry.
-You're what?

That's 100% the first time

you've ever said sorry
to anyone.

It's been thrown at me
so many times, it...

it's kind of lost its meaning.

You two...

you mean a lot.

More importantly...

is Brenda hotter than me?

I don't even think Brenda's
cannons are taking out that guy.

And what the H
did you say, Griff?

Actually, What did you say?

Uh, are you two fiancés
or what?

What's gonna happen?
What's going on?

Alea, it's...

tradition in my family

to make impulsive
lifelong commitments

without considering
the consequences.

We'll call it pre-engaged.

And don't get down
on one knee again

until you have something
to slide on this finger.

Okay, I got-- I have a tight,
little furry ring.

You can slide your finger
right in it,

but we just got to
get rid of Griff.


I mean, guys, seriously, thi--
this was one for the memoir.

-My dads finally fought...

I'm engaging the love
of my life...

and my papi chulo
saw his first ass.

Lady's ass.

I'm gonna go grab a cab.

What are you staring at?

Hey, hey, back up, boy.

Yeah, don't tell Alea.

Dude, how bad was it with Bluff?

You didn't stuff the Bluff,
did you?

She wanted--
she wanted your attention.

I wanted her to...

...to swipe my V-card.


Like, classic he said,
she said

around the ru--
rumor mill and...

soon enough,

I'm the straightest guy
at Crawford High.

Come on.

You're my best pal.

Later, O'Humptons.

Sit down.

or the thought of marrying me?

I'm so fucking stupid.

Karen married Robert
in TJ at 18.

Your dads' mistakes
are theirs, Bo,

not yours.

When you commit to something,
you commit.

Even if it's trying to kiss
your best friend.

I did not mean
for you to see that.

Let's get you home.

I'm gonna need
my future daddy in law.

you need some mouthwash.

I'd sooner kiss pizza breath!

I meant Griff.

No, no!

You're a real
positive influence.

I have been up
all goddamn night,

you son of a whore!

That came out wrong.

Where have you been?

Am I seeing things?

Call me, Karen.
It'll piss off your ex.

What? She's sweet.

You went to TJ without me
and you left me here

to clean up
after your dicks for dads?

I wanted to party.

What is it
with the men in my life?

They leave me
when I need them most.

Your manchild of a husband
was supposed to tell you

where we were.

to hold his tongue

or find his way home.

I had to tell him.

You just seemed so lost,

and I thought a father's
perspective would help.

When have I ever had
a father's perspective?

You have had many
a father's perspective--

Well, I needed yours.

You haven't asked me for advice
since you were in diapers!

Because you turn it into
a jab or a joke.

You got dealt a hand of jokers.

I'm sorry for that.

I fall fast and I fall hard
and I forget quick

and I learn fucking slow,
but I have tried, Bo.

I have done my damnedest
to protect you and your sister

and to give us
a somewhat normal life.

That's why I kept
those jokers around.

I should have told you,
but every passing day

I got more and more nervous

and started to
question my decision,

every decision
I have ever made for you.

There's no manual
to this parenting thing.

I started
when I was 17 years old

with little support
from your grandparents

or the dopey kid
that stuck you in my belly.

You get pissed off and swim,
surf, or draw it out.

I choose to laugh it all off.

I'm sorry.

I don't know how you turned out

even halfway sane
in the membrane.

I still want to
leave it to Beaver.

Have you made your decision?

I think so.

All it took
was a one night stint

in a TJ drunk tank

and Griff finally accepting
who he is.

I knew it!

-Keep it between us.
-Oh, I can keep a secret.

So tell me.

-Are you pulling my leg?

I had all my money
on Robert Dicknose the second.

It's the only name
that deserves to be carried on.

Bloody Sunday.

Oi, wake up.

This must be my nightmare.

You want some milk
with your jelly filled doughnut?

And jealousy.

That's exactly
what I'm going through.

Yeah, well, get over it.
We're an item now.

Oh, you must be
a freak behind the teeth.

He's actually a premium upgrade,
diesel boy.

-You working today?
-Yeah, why?

Could you go get your new beau
and I a slice of 'za?

We could use some guy time.

-The usual?
-Yes. Thank you.

I'm all good, babe.

-Are you sure, babe?
-Totally, babe.

Come here, come here.

Explain yourself,
Rock Hudson.

I don't know.
What can I say?


that bum.


she doesn't know that you know
that we didn't do it,

so-- so don't blow my cover.

No, we're not.

For real, buddy,
you told me that

you were light in your loafers
about two and a half hours ago--

Keep it down, dude.

And so what if I am?

It doesn't change anything.

Listen, I know that
you haven't been down there yet,

but, Sandy,
she has a vagina.

Yeah, I know.

I could have sworn
I saw a bulge in that bikini.

I could have sworn.

What do you expect?

We walk around
Crawford High with--

with the-- with some--
with a twinkie on my arm?


It's like a skinny gay or a gay
that looks more like a--

more like a--
something like that.

It doesn't matter.

You may-- you may not
give a shit who I do,

but the rest of the school,
the town...

I don't-- and most
of the fucking world does.

I'm quite content
being the guys.

Or fucking guys
without a clique.

Or would you rather be the guys
that play with each other's...

bums? I--

That's one way to get up

and forget about you
and your last name.

Well, Sandy's a short term fix.

-Eventually you're gonna have--
-To be gay.

But I'm not-- I'm not dumb.

As soon as she realizes that

you're not
a jelly filled doughnut,

she's gone.

Until then
I'll be there for you, man.

You have never winked at me.

Not once.
Just because I'm game--

Oh, shoot.

-Heyyo, Roberto.

Yeah, I should go and--

But like I was--
but like I said,

-I'm game for the plan.
-The plan. Yeah.

Yeah, the thing that
we were just talking about.

The thing.

The thing we were just
talking about right before...

Robert walked in.

I was just
in the neighborhood.

No, it's groovy, man.

I was just about to meet Sandy
for some 'za.

Oh, my God.

Hey, speaking
of the little pepperoncini.

Oh, that's so cute, babe.

Hey, Robert, how are you?

That smells nice.

All yours.

the pizza doesn't sell itself.

Thanks for lunch.

You-- you two have fun.


What? You want your book back

or do I owe you diaper money
from 1969?

Do I need a reason
to drop in on my kin?

Usually you need
a pretty damn good one.


then sell me something.

You know, I made up my mind.

I'm not here to win
the Olafsson name back.

You already have my name.

You forget what Bo's short for?

About as short
as the time we spent together.

Your childhood has been...


What the fuck
has you so confused?

That anger is the punishment

you give yourself
for others' mistakes.

Let it out, Robert.

Once and for all.

Let me clear some things up
for you, Confucius.

All right? Your mistakes.

You bailed on Karen,
you bailed on me.

All right, to this day
we let you mope around

and feel sorry for yourself.

It's fucking pathetic.

Have you ever
fought for anything?


Sign it.

You're a soft as putty quitter.

Your sport, your art,

your wives,
and your fucking namesake.

The jealousy that I felt...

feeling like
you lost your wife

and your boy
to a lesser man.

It's blinding.

But sometimes...

sacrifice is the ultimate gift.

A steady paycheck
over sport and my art.

Letting Scott sub...

so that Karen
didn't have to raise you alone.

Did you sign the papers?

You already know
the answer to that.

I needed to know
who was telling the truth.

What you needed
was a real family.

Just because my branch has
a different name doesn't mean

it's not a part
of the same tree.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I didn't think
you were half or...

or a third of the story.

Could we paddle out some time?

I'm there.

You have one new message.

Hi, there.
This is Coach Carl Morgan

calling with a message for Bo.

I'm gonna be attending
the CF southern section finals

and I'm really looking forward
to seeing you swim.

I'll drop a line afterwards
and looking forward

to seeing you break
your own record.

It's Scott.

If you got something
you need to tell me,

call me back or come find me.

Far out, right?

That should be
some motivation.

is not accepting a C student

no matter how fast you swim.

I mean,
I know what'll make me study.

And what's that?

I'm not 18 till midnight,

you still owe me
a tutoring session with rewards

when I get it right.

And when you get it wrong?

You know I don't like that.

-Okay, you can pay me or--
-I made a decision.

I'm sticking to SDSU.

UCLA is one of the best schools
in the country, Bo.

We-- we had a plan.

Plans change.
Something better came up.

You need to do
what's best for you.

Don't you worry. I will.


Attention, swimmers.
Please clear the pool.

We'll be starting
in 15 minutes

with this 200 meter
medley relay.

So grab a drink,
maybe a snack and find a seat.

You're not gonna want
to miss this one, folks.

Looks like you got
some fans in the stands.

-Had to put on a show.
-No kidding.

All right,
ladies and gentlemen,

the moment we've all been
waiting for,

the 50-yard freestyle final!

You look ridiculous
in that fuckin' swimsuit!

In lane three,
we're gonna have

our current San Diego
section record holder,

Bo Baxter.

Uh, hold on, folks.
Actually, correction.

It's gonna be
Bo Williams in lane three today.

Actually, Bo Williams.

All right! Come on!


All right, swimmers.

On your marks.

Eat the apple!

Get set.

That sure makes a statement.

I'm just doing
what's best for us.

The fastest swimmer

in the history
of San Diego county.

Guess I finally
ate that apple, huh?

I still have no fucking clue
what that means.


I could, um...

I could be
a better communicator.

All those things you said
on the answering machine...


They're probably true.

It doesn't mean
I'm not, um...

doesn't mean
I'm not proud of you, Robert.

Call me Bax, pops.

Karen used to say...

"If you can't ditch
the family skeletons...

you may as well dance
with them.