What is Art (2023) - full transcript

An anthological absurdist sketch comedy voyage that takes viewers on a trip through space, time, and really cool houses - all in search of the answer to the ultimate question: what is art?

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-[alarm blaring]
-[steam hissing]

[electricity buzzes]

[dramatic music playing]

[electronic music playing]

[German man] What is art?

Is it a painting on a wall
or a sculpture in a museum?

Or is it more?

Is it something greater
than all of us?

[monkey screeches]

[German man] Who makes art?

-[upbeat techno music playing]
-[motorcycle engine revving]

[German man]
Where does it come from?

[flute playing]

[German man]
What is its purpose?

Why are we compelled to create?

What is art?

-[music turns whimsical]
-[German man] Art is connection.

Art is passion.

Art is love.


-[waves crashing]
-[dramatic music plays]

Can perfection be obtained?

-Is it possible for us to find?
-[seagulls squawking]

[Chris] One Matt seeks
to find these answers.

Matt will search
for the perfect Matt

on this season of...

-The Mattchelor!
-[upbeat music playing]

[Chris] On this season...

Everybody, meet Matt.

[Matts cheer]

Hey, everyone. I'm here
to find my perfect Matt.

-Me too!

-That's me, that's me!

-[Angry Matt] Whoo! Yeah, baby.

Right here, Matt!
Right here, Matt.

All right...

-[Angry Matt] Come on, Matt!

-Come on, Matt!


Chris handsome. [chuckles]

That's my name.

-I know.
-I know.

-I know.
-[all] I'm the perfect Matt.

This is not gonna be easy.

Matt, I think it goes
without saying that--

May the best Matt win!

[all cheering]

This Matt has got it in the bag!

I have a perfect body,
I have a perfect mind.

It's not about winning.

[Party Matt]
Everybody's always like,

"I'm not here to make friends."
Who else you gonna drink with?

By yourself?

[all cheer]

[Matt] I did not expect
to connect so well

with so many of these Matts.

[Model Matt] You can't be
jealous in a game like this.

For this Matt on Matt getaway,
I choose...

Matt, Matt...

and Matt.

[confused muttering]


This is gonna be interesting.

-[Matts chattering]
-That's a good choice, Matt.

[chuckles] Yeah.
If only you were Matt Handsome.

[both laugh]

[Influencer Matt] At first,
I was like, 100 percent chance.

Now, I'm like,
hundred and one percent chance.

-[dramatic music playing]
-[seagulls squawking]

-[Chris] Things get spicy.
-[flame igniting]

Oh, I'm gonna hook up
with as many Matts as possible.

Let's neck.

Things get dicey.

-[Zumba Matt] Matt...
-[Angry Matt screaming]

...has serious anger problems.

-[bleep] you! [bleep] you!

What the [bleep]
did you just say to me?

[Musician Matt] He was running
all over the place

like a madman.

-[Angry Matt groans]
-[bleep] boinkin' it.

-Hey, hey! Whoa!
-[Matts scream]

[Model Matt]
Oh! Pretty good throw.

-Matt! Matt!

[Angry Matt]
Stop! Stop laughing!

Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!

[Party Matt]
I'm all fun and games until...

-You wanna go? [groans]
-...I'm not fun and games.

[indistinct clamoring]

[Influencer Matt] Matt, stop it,
stop that, stop that!


[indistinct clamoring]

And things get a little crazy.

[all] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

-Go! Go! Go!
-[rolls tongue]

[all] Go! Go! Go!

-[Matts cheering]
-[music builds]

-[music stops]
-[all breathing heavily]

[Musician Matt]
Yank my chain, baby. [exhales]

[birds chirping]

But there can only be
one perfect Matt.

-[whimsical music playing]
-[seagull squawking]

Matt, you know I played football
in high school, right?

I was quarterback.

I have to take a page out of one
of my favorite Matt's books,

Matt Saracen
from Friday Night Lights.

Blue 42! Blue 42!

-Matt, I love you!
-[clears throat]

Look, I just want you to know,
because we care about you,

that Matt and I
saw Matt and Matt

hooking up in the Matt tub.

Matt thinks Matt likes Matt
more than I like Matt,

and that's just
bloody ridiculous.

Who? Matt?

-[dramatic music playing]
-You're a liar and a snake,

and no one [bleep] trusts you!

I'm not even sure
your name's really Matt!

-Now, I know you're just

intimidated because
I'm a male model.

Oh, really? For what?

Creepy Music
Conductors Illustrated?

Yes, I've worked
with them before.

-[Matt] Stay with us, Matt!

My name's also Matt.

Oh, my God. [laughs]
I might be in love with Matt.

♪ Da, da, da, da
Che, che, che, che ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da
Che, che, che, che ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba
Che, che, che, che ♪

♪ There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes ♪

-I'm the king of this castle!
-[Musician Matt] Hey, Matt--

You're all down here,
and I'm, like, way up there!

Like up in the sky!
Like angels and [bleep].

[Model Matt] Angels and Demons
by Dan Brown?

-Hey, hey!

[Angry Matt] Don't [bleep]
bring up Dan Brown!

Stop fighting. Please
stop fighting, Mom and Dad.

Take one step closer. Do it.
I [bleep] dare you.

[Influencer Matt]
I'll [bleep] do it.

-Do it then.
-All right. Here I go.

-I dare you.
-I'm gonna do it.

-Take a step.
-[Influencer Matt steps forward]

-Do-- Take one more.
-I'm not moving

-any closer to you.
-Take one more step.

-You creep me the [bleep] out.
-Maybe I'll step towards you.

[Influencer Matt] Do it.
I [bleep] dare you.

How do I feel
that the other Matts don't know

that I'm here?
I... I think it's fine.

-Does anyone respect me?

Does... does anyone even know
that I'm here?

-[somber music playing]
-It'll be a long, hard road.

I'm done.

I'm a good Matt.
[sobs] I'm a really good Matt.

I can't do it. [sobs]
Please, can I just go home?

-[Matt] Matt?


I just don't think
you're Matt enough for me.

Maybe I can't just have Matt.
Maybe I need Matts.

Well, look, mate, is it Matt,
is it Matt, is it Matt,

or is it me?

All these other Matts
aren't here for you, mate!

-[sighs] And you are, Matt?
-I love you.

I don't think anyone
will ever be Matt enough

for you, Matt.

♪ Hold me now
I'm falling fast... ♪

This is the hardest decision
I've ever had to make

in my entire life.

♪ Hold me now I'm falling fast ♪

♪ Hold me, Matt
We were never meant to Matt ♪

-[Model Matt grunts]
-[Coach Matt grunts]

-[gentle upbeat music playing]
-[seagulls squawking]

Matt, will you stay...

and be my Matt?

-Of course I will, Matt.
-[Matt chuckles]

Matt. Will you stay
and be my Matt?

Nothing would give me
greater pleasures.

Will Matt find the perfect Matt?

Find out this summer,
on The Mattchelor,

only on The Churggman Network.

[upbeat retro music playing]

-[inspiring music playing]
-[wind howling]

[German man] Art is isolation.

-[German man] Art is obsession.

[Yeti grunts]

-[German man] Art is friends.

-[intense music playing]
-[bell dinging]

[PA announcer]
Attention. Passengers,

-the train is now departing.
-[train engine rumbling]

[PA announcer] Please make sure
all hands and legs are securely

-inside the carriage.
-[rail tracks rattling]

[PA announcer]
Thank you, and enjoy your day.

[train whistle hissing]

[intense music playing]

-[detective] I wake up.
-[train horn echoing]

[detective] Another night
on an endless track.

[suspenseful music playing]

[detective] Another walk
down the same corridors

in the same labyrinth
with no end in sight.

I check the pillow next to me.


As usual.

The loneliness blankets me
like a shawl

-that's too thin for the winter.
-[wind howling]

And it's always winter.

-I pour myself a drink...

...and stare at the TV.

[smacks lips]

I fell asleep
watching Friends again.

Friends. The only light
in the infinite darkness

that is my life.

The HD-DVD begs me to watch,
"The One Where Chandler

Takes A Bath."

-[train horn blaring]
-[detective] But I can't.

-[ominous music playing]
-[drink pouring]

[detective] I'm so alone.


I'll always be this alone.

The thought bangs
around my skull like a lunatic

in a padded cell.

Ha, ha. Hee, hee. I'm crazy.

[music turns dramatic]

[detective] Sometimes I think
what life might have been like

-if I had chosen another career.
-[ominous music playing]

Or been a likable person.

But that's the past.
That's all academic now.

And I never went to college.

[indistinct chatter over TV]


I only wish
I had someone to talk to.

Sure, I have Friends,
but I wish I had friends.

-I want my own Joey.

I want my own Monica.

I want my Ross
and Rachel moment.

[glass shattering]

[detective] I take a drink
and steel myself

for what I'm about to do.

This is my last chance
for happiness.

[suspenseful music playing]

This is my last chance

to develop social skills.

My one, final shot
at not being so alone.

I've been running
from people like phytoplankton

from a whale’s mouth,
because, let's be honest,

people are the worst.

arrogant, untrustworthy.

They always let me down.

Like an escalator
that just keeps going, going.

Down into nothing.
[voice echoes]

Which is what I feel. Nothing.

I think I might be
losing my mind.

-[bell dinging]
-[PA announcer] Next stop.

Straight jacket
and a padded cell.

[detective] Yeah, no.
I am definitely losing my mind.

And I can't have that.
I have to be sane.

I need to be sane.

I'm doing something that goes
against everything

I've ever stood for,
everything I've ever been.

I'm opening up my door...

and letting people inside.

-I'm throwing a dinner party.
-[dramatic music playing]

[detective] First things first.

-The guest list.
-[ominous music playing]

So many faces.

So many names.

So many real, different people
I know that definitely exist.

[train engine rumbling]

[detective] It's enough
to make my head spin...

like riding a roller coaster

-with too many loop-de-loops.
-[roller coaster rattling]

And I'm not tall enough to ride.

-[train engine rumbling]
-[railway tracks rattling]

[train horn blaring]

[detective] I decide
to start the way I always do.

-Diving in. Headfirst.
-[dramatic music playing]

-[detective] Christina.
-[indistinct chatter]

Cute little number.

A little stuck up,
and can be a little too loud,

but she's got her charms.

This party could use
a little life. She's in.

Bill. Straight-shooting Bill.

-Bill is a guy I like.
-[indistinct chatter]

[detective] Bill.
I just like saying his name.

He's definitely invited. Bill.

-Teresa. Generally unlikable...
-[indistinct chatter]

...reeks like a fish market
in Taipei,

but she goes to everything.
She's great at filling space.

[indistinct chatter]

-[detective] Patrick.

Nah. I could skip Patrick.

[glass shattering]

Which leads us to Kelsey.

Kelsey's the linchpin
of this whole operation.

Without her, the whole thing
could come tumbling down.

But wait a second.

She doesn't get along with Bill,
and I gotta have Bill.

You know what? They're adults.

They can be civil for two hours
while we have a nice dinner.

Ross and Rachel did it
when they broke up.

[music continues]

[glass shattering]

[detective] Yeah.
I'm liking the look of this.

Maybe I'm not a used-up
old bag of dust.

Or maybe I am.

Now onto dinner.

Thousands of ingredients,
thousands of combinations.

[railway tracks rattling]

[detective] My head is swimming
in a sea of confusion.

And I didn't bring my floaties.


I start to sweat
and I get that feeling

in the pit of my stomach.
Something's wrong.

[breathes heavily]

Something isn't right.

This choo-choo's
picking up speed.

[railway tracks rattling]

It's about to jump the rails.

[music intensifies]

[heartbeat increasing]

I reach for the emergency brake.

-[railway tracks screeching]
-[heartbeat decreasing]

-[gulps, sighs]
-[gentle music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

[detective] Then it hits me.

Recipes exist.

I could just cook something
that someone else

has figured out how to make.


People love recipes.

Why didn't I think of it sooner?

Maybe things are starting
to look up for me.

Maybe my luck's gonna change.

Maybe. [voice echoes] Maybe.

Maybe it's because I'm anxious
about the party,

or maybe
it's because I stayed up

too late watching Friends,
but I can't make sense

of anything.

[intense music playing]

[detective] The letters seem
to dance and wiggle their way

from each other
like cockroaches scuttering away

from light.

This is all too much for me.

I can't read the recipe,
and then it hits me

like the dog I hit
on my way home last night.

[dog whimpering]

[detective] I can't read at all.

The loneliness smacks into me
like a tsunami

hitting Fukushima,

causing nuclear meltdowns
of sorrow across the country

that is my heart.

-[somber music playing]
-[detective] It's pointless.


Nothing means anything at all.

I'm lost...

[lights slam on]

[detective] ...and found.

[uplifting music playing]

Why didn't I think of it before?

I know how to cook,
and I know how to cook well.

Hell, I'm a goddamned
master chef,

as long as it's frozen,
covered in plastic,

and a Stouffer's TV dinner.

Just when I thought
I booked a one-way ticket

on the Lonely Train
to Isolation Town,

I catch the Rainbow Line
right back to Happy Friend Land.

-[woman vocalizing]
-[ethereal music playing]

[detective] That's it.

I get off at Macaroni
and Beef station,

-and the grab the next train.
-[PA system chimes]

[PA announcer]
Non-stop service...


[PA announcer]
...to Flavorville.

[detective] Maybe this time,

things will be different.

Maybe this time,
things will actually work out.

My head clears
and I feel a warmth

in my stomach.

Things are starting
to make sense again.


I celebrate
with an episode of Friends.

[Joey over TV]
If I'm going to the movie,

and you're going to the movie,
why don't we just go together?

[audience laughing over TV]

[Joey over TV] Huh, how's that
for data reconfiguration?

-Huh, champ?
-[audience laughing over TV]

[ominous music playing]

Now to the final piece

-of the puzzle.
-[PA system chimes]

[PA announcer]
Last stop. The aesthetics.

This place is gonna look like

the Taj Mahal on Christmas.
And I'm fuckin' Santé Claus.

Presentation is key.

I want it to be upscale,
but not too elegant,

so the guests
don't feel underdressed.

It should look like Mecca
on All Saints Day,

but not Buckingham Palace
on the Fifth Night of Diwali.

Everything needs to be
in its perfect place.

The napkins need
to be just right.

Everybody loves pretty flowers.

Wine glasses and water glasses.
Cheers, mate.

Yeah, no, yeah. That could work.
That's pretty good.

Candles, for ambiance and aroma.

And last but not least,
the pièce de résistance.

Chairs. The best piece
of furniture for sitting.

[PA system chimes]

-[PA announcer] The train

is approaching
the final station.

And then it hits me like a fart

in a tiny elevator.

-I don't have enough chairs.
-[intense music playing]

[detective] I don't think
I have enough chairs!

Everything could be perfect
but if you don't have

a place to sit,
then the party's ruined.

Wait a... wait a minute,
maybe someone could just kneel,

or squat
near their place setting.

No, stupid!
They'll look so stupid!

I'm ruined. Undone by chairs.

If I had a sense of humor,
I'd be laughing, but I don't,

-so I'm crying.
-[train engine rumbling]

The world starts to fade away

and all I can see is chairs.

[echoing] Chairs.
Chairs everywhere.

Chairs. Chairs everywhere.

Chairs are the bane
of my existence.

Chairs. Am I a chair?
What's a chair? Chairs!

I don't have enough chairs!
What am I?

I don't have enough chairs!
Chairs. Chairs.

[PA announcer]
All passengers...

-[detective] Chairs.
-...must now exit the station.

[detective] Chairs.
Have you seen my chairs, Mommy?

-[chaotic chatter]
-[detective] Chairs.

Chairs. Chairs.

Could I have any more chairs?

Chairs everywhere.

Chairs that don't exist.

[train bell dinging]

[detective] Chairs I don't have.

Party's over. No one's coming.
No one's ever coming.

Despair's setting in.

-The world's getting dark.
-[somber music playing]

[detective] I guess this is it.
I guess this is how it ends.

[music fading]

-[doorbell ringing]
-[uplifting music playing]

-[indistinct chatter]
-[detective] It can't be.

They actually came!
There are people here to see me!

Who cares about chairs?
The chairs don't matter.

None of it matters.
What matters is the people.

What makes a party
is the people.

And there's some people
just outside my door.

Finally, some love.
Finally, some affection.

Finally, some friends.

I'm finally going
to have some fr--

-[music stops]
-[traffic rumbling]

[birds chirping]

[train engine rumbling]

Oh, yeah. That's right.

[dramatic music playing]

It all comes smashing into me

like a runaway freight train.

The memories,
they're uncompromising,

merciless. They flatten me
with their horrifying reality.

I've never had any friends.

The only friends I've ever had
is loneliness, despair,


-But wait a second.
-[music stops]

[detective] I do have Friends.

-[audience laughing]
-"The chef's mahi-mahi

-was awful-awful," is bad press?
-[audience laughing]

I didn't write it.

[instrumental cover of
"I'll Be There For You" playing]

[eerie music playing]

[German man] Art is fear.

-Art is loss.
-[woman sobs]

[baby cries, snarls]

-[German man] Art is pain.
-[dramatic music playing]

-[sharp piano notes echo]
-[paint splatters]

-[upbeat music playing]
-Welcome to Numbnutz!

The hidden camera prank show
where the joke's on you!

Today we’ll be playing,
"Mother, May I?"

The game
where you gotta convince

a random stranger

-to be your mother.
-[baby laughing]

[all] "Numbnutz!"

-[gun cocking]

[all laugh]

Yeah, this guy here,
he doesn't have a mother.

No, he doesn't know his mom.

Yeah, yeah. She died in
a drunk driving accident.

I'm never gonna hear

-the end of it.
-[car crashing]

-Really funny guys.
-All right, all right.

-Get some new material.
-I gotta take a shit.

[whimsical music playing]

[Laird] What do you guys think?

-These three here?
-[Wingman] Oh, yeah.

-Go to those three.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Laird] Yeah, these three here.
They're gonna get it.

Sit down with them.
Right... right next 'em.

-[Numbnutz crew exclaiming]

-[Buzz] Look at that.

[all exclaim in surprise, laugh]

[Laird] Mommy.

Look at Laird go.

-Look at him go.

-[Laird] Momma. Mom... Mommy.
-I don't understand.

-What is this?

Oh, oh. That's brilliant!

[Veronica] Are you looking
for your mom?

-Uh. Mommy, Mommy.
-He's not gonna cross...

-I don't know, I don't know!
-...the finish line.

Mommy, Mommy, Momma.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.

-[Buzz] No, they walked away.

-[Wingman] Laird couldn't do it.
-[buzzer blares]

-You failed big time, buddy!
-Oh. [laughs]

-Hey, Laird.
-Uh. Yeah, yeah.

Laird, you were good,
but I'm gonna do better!

[Buzz] What do you think, boys?
Is he gonna do it?

[Lapdog] Nah,
he doesn't got the guts.

-Oh! It's adorable!
-I know.

People think you can't walk cats
but you totally can.

[Buzz] Yeah, right here.
These two right here. These two.

Hey, they'll never know
what hit 'em!

-So funny.
-[in kids voice] Hey, Momma?

-[Numbnutz crew chuckling]
-Are you talking to us?

-Hey, Momma.

Can I go outside
and play, Momma?

-What is your problem? Stop.
-We are outside.

Momma! I did all
my social studies homework...

-Leave us alone. Stop!

Now, this is classic

-"Mother, May I?"
-[both laugh]

-Momma, come on, Momma!


...let me go outside and play--

-[all scream, exclaim]
-[Wingman screams]

[rock music playing]

-That's what you get you--

[indistinct clamoring]

Your own mother
doesn't even love you!

It hurts so bad.
It fuckin' burns!

Seems like every time
he does something

he ends up getting
pepper sprayed like that.


At least he has a mother!

[all] Oh!

Somebody give me some water
or some fucking milk,

or something.

[Buzz] He looks like
he's in real pain.

Pour some milk in my eyes.
Where are you guys?

[Laird] Hey, guys.
No one should help him.

Where are you, guys?

[Lapdog] You're on your own,
Wingman. You little baby boy.

[Buzz] Yeah, why don't you cry
to your mommy now, huh?

Cry to your little mommy.

-[imitates baby crying]
-[baby crying]

[Lapdog] Zero!
There's a goose egg.

-[upbeat music playing]

-[sobs] Mommy?
-Oh! The crybaby approach.

Oh, I've seen this back in 2004.

-[Wingman chuckling]

[Lapdog] Not gonna work.
Not gonna work.

[Buzz] Will you be my mommy?

-[Numbnutz crew laughing]

[Laird] Oh, here comes a lady.
Here comes a lady.

-Hey, there.
-[Buzz sobs]

-She's stopping!

-[Buzz] Will you be my mommy?
-[Numbnutz crew laughing]

She's actually doing it!

[Laird] Oh,
she's giving him a hug!

[Lapdog] She's givin'--

She's givin' him a hug!

-I'll be your mommy.

[all laugh]

-[Buzz sobs]
-I will be the best mommy.

[Wingman] Hey,
this is the first time

-a lady touched Buzz.
-I really love you, Mommy.

I am gonna love you a lot.

[Laird] Well, hey, it looks like

-Buzz took this one, huh?
-[rock music playing]

That lady wanted to do
more than be his mother.

[all] Oh!

-They're talking about sex.
-[female voice moaning]

Hang on a second though, guys,
because we still got one to go.

-And we know who that is.
-Ding, ding, ding!

[Wingman] Let's see
what Lapdog can do.

[Buzz] Let's see what he can do.

[Laird] Oh, is she
reading a book?

-Who reads anymore?

I... I know this is
gonna sound weird,

but I think you're my mother.

-[all chuckle]
-What did you just say to me?

Oh, she doesn't like it.
She doesn't like it.

[indistinct chatter]

-Mom... Mommy. Mommy.
-Oh, look at Lapdog go.

-Just nasty.

Baby needs his bottle,
Mommy. Come on.

-Oh! Baby.
-Give me a little taste, Mommy.

Yeah, give me a little taste.
Right there, huh?



[gasps, groans]

[breathes heavily]


-[panting] Oh, my God.
-[intense music playing]

-[Daisy] You didn't want this?
-What did you do?

Oh, my God. What did you...
[breathes heavily, groans]

-[Daisy] Relax. [shushes]
-[breathes heavily]

-[Daisy laughing]
-[Lapdog groans, screams]

-[flesh squelching]
-[Lapdog groans, screams]

Oh, my God! [groans]

-[breathes heavily]

Nobody calls me "Mommy."

-[Lapdog] Oh, my God. [screams]
-[Daisy laughing]

[Lapdog screams, whimpers]
Nobody calls you...

[screams in agony]

I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm going after him!

[screaming] Ah, my guts!
Ah, my guts!

Shit, shit! What the fuck!

-Somebody call a doctor.
-What the fuck!

Somebody! Somebody call

-the fucking doctor.
-I want my mom!

-Oh, my God! No, no, no.
-I want my mom!

All right, just gonna
put it back in here.

-I want my mom!
-Put it back! Oh, fuck!

-Fuck! Somebody! Somebody! Help!
-I want my mommy! [screams]

-[ominous music playing]
-[chokes, gasps]



[screams] Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!



[skull cracking]

[screams furiously]


Oh, hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

-No, no! No, no!

It's a prank show!

-It's a prank show!

It's a hidden camera prank show!

-A prank show?
-There's a camera over there.

-There's one over there.

-Huh? [pants]
-It's a prank show.

-A prank show?
-[music fading]

Oh, my God!
Wait, is this Numbnutz?

-Yeah. Yeah, it's Numbnutz.
-Oh, my God, you're Laird!

-I'm Laird!
-Oh, and that's Buzz!


[chuckling] Oh, my God!
I'm a huge fan!

-Oh, come here.

-Come here.

I can't believe
I'm meeting Laird.

[both chuckle]

Here's a hidden camera
right there!

-Right there!
-Oh, my God.

[chuckles] Numbnutz!


-[wheezing] Numbnutz!
-[blood sputters]

Hey, let's do it together.


[both] Numbnutz!

-[gun cocking]

-[techno music playing]
-[choral grunting]

-[German man] Art is struggle.
-[warriors grunting]

[German man] Art is conflict.

[warrior screaming]

-[German man] Art is war.
-[warrior groans]

[suspenseful music playing]

A time of war.

[war drums beating]

It has been fifty years
since the death of the shogun.

In the ensuing chaos,

the ruthless Okabe clan
seized the throne.

All were swept away in
the tide of their ruinous will.

But now whispers on the wind
carry the sound of hope...

...to those that would listen...

-[war drums slow down]
-[ominous music playing]

[water burbling]

-[music continues]
-[wind howling softly]

[music builds]

-[breathes heavily]
-[music fades]

[Okabe speaking Japanese]
Kuranaga Shizuka.


The Girl Who Crawled From Fire!

You have finally come.

So I have.

You have defeated my armies...

vanquished my navies...

eradicated my cavalry...

and burned my fortresses
to the ground.

[insects buzzing]

[Okabe] You even bested
my personal guards,

the Silent Wind.

They were

the most skilled swordsmen
in the entire realm.

Less skilled than me, it seems.

[Okabe scoffs]

Very good.

You exceed my expectations.


Kuranaga Shizuka,
Destroyer of the Okabe Clan...

What happens now?

-[breathes heavily]
-[dramatic music plays]

Now I kill you, and avenge
the husband you hanged...

the son you drowned,

and the daughter
you burned alive!

-[music intensifies]
-[water splashes]

[fire roars, crackles]

[Kuranaga] And also...

for my neighbor Kyle!

-[imitates gunshots]

[music stops]




[continues laughing]

[music resumes, builds]

-[sword slashing]
-[music concludes]

Kyle was a great neighbor

and it was a shame
I had to kill him.

if you intend to kill me,

I intend to defend myself.

You think so little of me.

-[katana whooshes]
-[tense music playing]

You have defeated all
the best swordsmen in the realm.

Except one.

And he stands before you.

Enough talk.

[music intensifies]

[katanas clanking]

[Okabe and Kuranaga
exchanging blows]

-[Kuranaga grunts repeatedly]
-[Okabe groans repeatedly]

-[Okabe groans]

[birds chirping]

-[Kuranaga grunts]
-[Okabe groans]


-[Okabe groans]

[grunts, groans]

[pants, groans]

-[Kuranaga grunts]

-[suspenseful music playing]

-[Kuranaga grunts]

-[Kuranaga grunts]

[music turns ominous]


-[music crescendos, fades]
-[Okabe groans]

-[groaning echoes]
-[somber music playing]

Do you hear that, Okabe?

that humming in your ears?

those are the voices
of the dead.

-They lend me their power...
-[punches landing repeatedly]

[Kuranaga] ...to erase
your balls from existence!

-[Okabe groans]

-[music concludes]
-[Okabe screams, whimpers]


My... My...


[breathes heavily]



[tense music playing]

[loud war drumbeat]

-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat music playing]

[German man, in English]
Art has no rules.

-[crowd exclaim, cheers]
-[head groans] Hmm?

[German man] Art is fleeting.

-Art is chaos.
-[wind blows]

-[wind whooshing]
-[eerie music plays]

-[music fades]
-[wind blows]

[eerie croaking]

[techno music
slowly starts playing]

[wind howling]

[music grows louder]

-[music crescendos, stops]
-[lights slamming on]


Are you tired of your ketchup
being high in calorie

and low in flavor?

It's always high in calorie
and low in flavor.

Does your organic ketchup
leave you broke at the bank?

My accounts have run dry.

And you,
are you sick of eating ketchup

that's pumped full
of GMOs and chemicals

that are known to cause cancer?

[Chab] He's right.
I do have cancer.

-[upbeat music plays]
-Well, say no more!

From the makers of
"I Can't Believe

It's Not Butter!"
comes our newest product,

"You've Got To Be
Pulling My Leg,

This Isn't Ketchup?"

Low in calorie and cost!
High in flavor! Organic.

GMO, and most importantly,

-cancer free.
-[audience gasps, cheers]

That's right! That is right!

Ya gotta be pulling my leg!
Ya gotta be pulling my leg!

Ya gotta be pulling my leg!
Ya gotta be pulling my leg!

Ya gotta be pulling my leg!
This isn't ketchup?

Come on, pull it! Pull it!
Ya gotta be pulling it!

What the heck? [chuckles]
I mean, come on! It's not!

It's not even--

[audience cheers]

[music concludes]

[audience applauding]

[bottle sputters]

-[drumroll plays]
-[audience member coughs]

Mm. Tha-- Mm.

You gotta be pulling my leg.
This isn't ketchup?

-[upbeat music resumes]
-[audience laughs, cheers]

-[applause continues]
-[cookware rattles]

[music fades]

[cookware rattling chaotically]

[pot clanking]

You're dog gone right, Betsy!

-[upbeat music playing]

[clicks tongue, whispers]
Get. Get.

[clicks tongue, whispers]
Get off the stage. Hey!

[snaps fingers]


Now, don't you dare take
another bite

of that hot dog, Betsy!

Because what's a hot dog
without ketchup's best friend?


-Nope. That's not right.

-[chuckles] You.



-That's right!
-[audience exclaiming]

And it's your lucky day, people,
because there's still more!

From the makers of

"I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter!"

and "You've Got To Be
Pulling My Leg,

This Isn't Ketchup?"
comes our newest product!

-[music stops]
-[drumroll plays]

"I Firmly Believe
That This Is Mustard,

And Yet
I Am Horribly Mistaken!"

-[audience laughs]
-[upbeat music resumes]

-[sensual music playing]

[audience cheering]

[Valentin] Ooh!

[smacks lips]

I firmly believe this is mustard
and yet, I'm horribly mistaken.

[whispers] You get it.

[mustard squelching]



[moans, chuckles] Ooh! Yeah!

-Ooh! [breathes heavily]
-[breathes heavily]

-[Rock Hard Rex smacks lips]
-[Valentin breathes heavy]

You absolutely are,
Rock Hard Rex!

[upbeat music playing]

Why don't you go ahead
and pop down

some of those
doinker dogs there, Valentin.

I think I can take it from here.

Oh, and Rex...

-...betcha they can use

some of those buns
over there as well. [chuckles]

[inhales, sighs]

[audience murmuring excitedly]

Can you feel it?

[audience member 1] Uh. Yeah.

Can you feel it?

[audience members] Yes.

Can you feel it?

-[audience member 2] Yes.
-Can all of you feel it?

-[audience cheering]
-Can you feel it?

Let me hear it from the back!

-Can you feel it?
-[audience member 3] Amen!

You can feel it,
you can feel it,

you can feel it
'cause it's here tonight!

-[audience member 4] I feel it!
-[audience member 5] Yeah!

That's right.
It is here tonight!

-[audience cheering, applauding]
-We are not done yet, people,

because there's still even more!

-That's right!
-[audience cheers]

From the makers

of "I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter!"

and "Are You Pulling My Leg,
This Isn't Ketchup?"

Are you pullin' my leg?

And of course,

-"I Firmly Believe..."
-[Chab breathes heavily]

"...That This Is Mustard,

And Yet
I Am Horribly Mistaken!"

-[breathes heavily]
-[music turns eerie]

Comes our newest product.

"Shut The Fuck Up,

Are You Telling Me

That This Shit

Isn't Ranch?"

[voice echoing]
Ranch. Ranch. Ranch.

[breathes deeply, chuckles]

-[upbeat music resumes]

[music concludes]

-Oh. [chuckles]
-[whispers] That's right.

Shut the fuck up!

Are you telling me
that this shit isn't ranch?

-[audience cheers]
-[Grandma] What? I'm very old!

-Shut the fuck up!

Are you telling me
that this shit isn't ranch?

This is not ranch!

And it's good
for your bodies and hearts,

and little souls.

It's great to see ya
back in the saddle, Grammy.

-[audience laughing, applauding]

[upbeat music playing]


-[audience laughs]

-Why don't you and, uh...

-...Billy here, go tell...

Help Tarry toss his salad!

-All right.

All right. Thank you.


-Tarry, salad help is coming!
-[sighs, chuckles]

But hold those chompers,
you little wily rabbits,

because there's still even more!
There's still more!

[chuckles] There is still more.
There's still more!

From the makers of
"I Can't Believe

It's Not Butter!"
and "You've Got To Be

Pulling My Leg,
This Isn't Ketchup?"

and "I Firmly Believe
This Is Mustard,

And Yet
I Am Horribly Mistaken!"

and "Shut The Fuck Up,
Are You Telling Me This Shit..."

[audio glitches]

"...Isn't Ranch?" C... comes,
our newest product--

[audio glitches]


[speaking in reverse]

[speaking normally]
Shut the fuck up!

[audio glitches]

[breathes heavily]

-[static screeching]

[electric wobbling]

-[electric buzzing]
-[grunting distortedly]

[speaking normally]
Our newest product...

"I Refuse To Believe
That This Condiment

Is Not Barbecue Sauce,
And I Have Been Summarily Flayed

-For My Apostasy." [chuckles]
-[audience laughs]

[audience applauding, cheering]

[munches] Mm.

I refuse to believe
this is not barbecue sauce,

and I have been summarily flayed
for my apostasy.

Oh, yeah!

-[upbeat music playing]
-[audience laughing, cheering]

[glass shattering]

Oh... [laughs]

[applause continues]

Guess what?

Guess what? Whoo! [chuckles]

Whoo! [laughs]

There's still more!
There's still more.

There's still...
there's still even more!

-There's still even more!
-[music turns ominous]

Oh, there's still more of it!

That's his punishment,
looks like this is ours!

[laughs maniacally]

[audience cheering]

[continues laughing maniacally]

[pained and blissful laughter]

[distorted screaming
and laughter]

[distorted screaming echoing]

[distorted laughter continues]

You got it?

You want a present? Here ya go!

[pained and blissful laughter]

[frantic clamoring]

[music crescendos]

[in sinister voice] But wait.
Don't go anywhere.

-[bones crackling]
-[whimpers, groans]

-[loud thud]

-[audience gasps]
-[man groaning]

[hosts in unison, distorted]
Stay right where you're seated!

Can anyone guess why?

We said, can anyone guess why?

[frantic techno music playing]

Because there's still even more!


[indistinct clamoring]


[groans deliriously]

[chuckles deliriously]

[whimpers in confusion]



[cackles maniacally]

-[delirious moaning]


[woman moaning]


-[delirious howling]

-[glass shattering]
-Right here! Sent to you by God!

[indistinct chatter]

You're gonna eat this shit!


[indistinct clamoring]

There's more!
[voice echoing] There's more!

[voice echoing] There's more!

[screams in pain and in bliss]

[hosts in unison, distorted]
From the makers of

"I Can't Believe

It's Not Butter!"
and "You've Got To Be

Pulling My Leg,
This Isn't Ketchup?"

and "I Firmly Believe
That This Is Mustard,

And Yet
I Am Horribly Mistaken!"

and "Shut The Fuck Up,
Are You Telling Me This Shit

Isn't Ranch?"

and "I Refuse To Believe
That This Condiment

Is Not Barbecue Sauce,
And I Have Been Summarily Flayed

For My Apostasy"
comes our newest product,

"I, Your Humble
Condiment Partaker

Have Assigned
Negligible Probability

To The Substance
In This Container

Not Being Worcester Sauce
And Have Since Become

Rudely Awakened To This Delusion
By Divine Intervention."

-[music stops abruptly]
-[grunts, breathes heavily]

Buy this product
or I'm gonna kill him!

[all in unison, distorted]
Buy it! Buy it! Buy it!

-[upbeat music playing over TV]
-[man munching]



-[TV switching off]
-[sighs, breathes deeply]

[groans, exhales]


[coughs, groans]

[breathes deeply]

[groans, sniffles]

[exhales, sniffles]

-[crickets chirping]

[microwave beeps, whirs]

-[upbeat music playing over TV]
-[Bob] But wait...



[all cackle sinisterly]

[TV powering down]

[dramatic music playing]

[German man]
What we are discovering

is art is undefinable.

Art is constantly moving
through the cosmos,

ever changing,
flying through time

with no bounds to reality
or anything us humans

-can perceive.
-[music turns uplifting]

[German man] If you stare
into space and wave,

you will ultimately
find yourself waving back.

When you behold yourself
in the wonders of the universe,

you will easily find
that art is a really cool house.

[lively tropical music playing]

-[music concluding]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

-[in Spanish] Cheers.


Cheers, guys.

[Brad and Charles] Cheers.

[all] Cheers.

[all slurp]

[smacks lips, sighs]



-[Brad munches]


[Charles] You know what? Cheers!

-[audience laughing]

[cheerful music playing]

[all slurp]

[slurps, gulps] Hmm.


-Thanks for inviting us, Travis.
-Oh, stop!

Yeah, man, dude,
this house is rad.

[Travis] Thanks, guys.

It means a lot to Donovan and I

that you guys
could be here today.

Of course. You know...

I've never actually met
your brother before.

Yeah, now that I think of it,

I've known you for a long time
and neither have I.

-[audience cheering, applauding]

[breathes heavily, grunts]

[audience laughing]

[funky music plays]

[smacks lips, grunts]

Guys... this is my brother,

-What the fuck...
-It's a fucking baby.

[funky music plays]

[audience laughing]

[speaks Spanish]

Donovan, can you get us another
bottle of wine, please?

Maybe... Maybe a malbec?
Guys, a malbec's okay?

-[funky music plays]
-Maybe a sparkling white?

-[audience laughing]
-No? Let's go with a malbec.

Donovan, we're gonna go
with the malbec!

-Thanks, brother.
-That's... your brother?

Yeah, is he one
of those Bohemians? An artist?

Look guys.
I know this might be weird.

Donovan just never learned to do

the things other babies learn
to do.

Like walk, or talk or go
to the bathroom in a toilet.

And it's not like my parents
and I didn't try.

We did... It just...

-[sentimental music playing]
-Nothing ever stuck...

-[audience] Aw!
-And now...

-Dude, dude, it's cool, dude.

-Total fresco.


Yeah, dude,
I think it's really cool

that you take care
of your brother.

Thank you, guys.
Seriously. Thank you.

-[Donovan grunts]

And thank you, Donovan!

-[audience laughing, applauding]
-[Brad chuckles]

-[upbeat music playing]

[Travis] Thank you, brother.
Oh! He got the pinot noir!

Not what I asked for,
but that's okay.

Thank you, buddy.
I appreciate it.

-Fill me up, baby!

Hey, do you have any more
of that cheese?

[in English]
♪ Living the island lifestyle ♪

[audience cheering, applauding]

♪ A cool breeze with some lime ♪

♪ Three best friends
And a man-baby ♪

♪ Bringing them more wine ♪

[music concludes]

[in Spanish] Yeah,
it's in the fridge.

-I'll have one.
-Thank you.


[Charles] Smells incredible!

I'd like to propose a toast.

To our dear,
dear friend, Travis.

[scoffs] Oh.

-To Donovan!
-To Donovan!

[Brad] To Donovan!

-[both] To Donovan!
-[glasses clinking]

-[suspenseful music playing]
-[audience murmuring, gasping]

[Brad] Guys!
Donovan's standing up!

-[audience cheering, applauding]

-Come on, buddy.
-[Travis] Oh, my God!

-Donovan, come on, man!
-Go, buddy! Go!

-Walk! Come on!
-Do it!

[Travis] Come on, you got it!

-[all groan]
-[audience groaning]

Has he ever done that before?

[Travis] No,
he has never done this!

-He's standing up again!

[Travis] Yes, Donovan!
You can do it! You can do it!

Get those feet dancing baby man!

-[all groan]
-[audience] Ah!

[Charles] Uh oh, guys,
he's on his back.

Should we flip him over?

-[suspenseful music playing]

I think it's time he does
this on his own.

[grunts, groans]

Come on.

[grunts, fusses]

Oh, no...

[whimpers, grunts]

Hey. He's standing up again!

-[Brad] Come on, buddy.
-[Charles] Come on, Donovan!

[all shouting encouragement]

Come on, brother! Come to me!

You got it!

Nice and easy now!

-[Charles] Come to me!
-[Brad] Come on, Donovan!

-[Charles] Come on!
-[Travis] You got it!

[Brad] Come on!

Walk you baby-man, walk!

-Walk, damn you!
-Almost there!

-[all cheer]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

[in English] Buddy!

[Charles in Spanish]

That's my brother!

[cheerful music playing]

[in English] ♪ Donovan
Yes, you did it ♪

♪ You took your first steps ♪

♪ Look at the house
You live in ♪

-♪ It's one pretty cool house ♪
-[music concludes]

[in Spanish] Seriously, guys,
it means a lot to me

that you guys were here
for this special moment.

Of course, man,
that was amazing!

Yeah, seeing a grown man learn
to walk is really inspiring.

Just goes to show...

if you set your mind
to anything...

-you can do anything.
-You can do anything.

And you know what
I'm going to do? A toast.

-A toast. A toast.
-[Brad and Travis] A toast.

What are we toasting
to this time?

To Donovan!

-[liquid burbling]
-To Donovan!

-[stomach rumbling]
-[Donovan groans, farts]

-[all chuckle]
-[groaning and farting continue]

-[cheery music playing]
-[speaks Spanish]

That's my brother.

-Oh... [chuckles]
-[Donovan groans]

-[Donovan farting]
-[all laughing]

-He is just too much!
-Classic Donovan!

-[Donovan farting]

-[all laugh]
-Oh, Donovan!

[in English] ♪ Oh, look at
All that shit, yeah ♪

♪ Donovan, you dog ♪

♪ You got to fight
For love, yeah ♪

♪ Look at that house ♪

[music fades]

And that's the story
of how I took my first steps.

[computers beeping]

It was a different time then,

-[children whimper]
-A simpler time indeed.

Filled with lollipops
and... [farts, groans]

-[children whimper]
-[groaning] I'm so sorry.

[farts, groans]

-[children whimper]

[groaning] I can't stop
shitting everywhere!

[ethereal music playing]

[crowd cheering, applauding]

[German man] So, what is art?

I guess we'll never know.

[crowd cheering]

[music fading]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ I used to go by another name
But that was many moons ago ♪

♪ Way before
The whole world changed ♪

♪ Now, I run
The streets of Chicago ♪

-♪ All the others can't know ♪
-♪ What can't they know? ♪

-♪ Oh, it's a game of chance ♪
-♪ Chance, baby ♪

♪ 'Cause if they looked inside
They would know ♪

♪ I'm more than a dauntless ♪

♪ I'm just one man
Split into four ♪

♪ I'm a divergent, baby
Don't need no saving ♪

♪ Divergent, baby
Always misbehaving ♪

♪ I'm just one man
But I know you want more ♪

♪ My friends call me Tobias
But you can call me Four ♪

That's right. This is Four

from the Divergent series.

Oh, you haven't heard
of the Divergent series

by Veronica Roth,
you fucking idiot?

Directed by the Neil Burger.

Well, let me
lay it down for you.

♪ Well, you see, in the future ♪

♪ Factions are
Where you belong ♪

♪ Where you belong ♪

♪ If you don't fit
Into one, yeah ♪

♪ It'll be your swan song ♪

-♪ You see I fit into the mold ♪
-♪ What a bad-ass boy ♪

♪ According
To an aptitude test ♪

♪ And for some reason
That makes me dangerous ♪

♪ And they want me dead
And also I love trains ♪

[Four] I love hopping
from train to train.

♪ I'm a divergent, baby
Don't need no saving ♪

♪ Divergent, baby
Always misbehaving ♪

♪ I'm just one man
But I know you want more ♪

♪ My friends call me Tobias
But you can call me Four ♪

[Four] So, I hope that clears
everything up for you.

And if it doesn't, I think I got
another trick up my sleeve.

It goes a little
something like this.

[funky saxophone plays]

-♪ Choo-choo! Come on, baby ♪
-♪ Choo-choo! Come on, baby ♪

-♪ Choo-choo! No misbehaving ♪
-♪ Choo-choo! No misbehaving ♪

-♪ Choo-choo! Come on, baby ♪
-♪ Choo-choo! Come on, baby ♪

-♪ Choo-choo! No misbehaving ♪
-♪ Choo-choo! No misbehaving ♪

-♪ Choo-choo! ♪
-♪ Choo-choo! ♪

♪ I'm a divergent
Baby, don't need no saving ♪

♪ Divergent, baby
Always misbehaving ♪

♪ I'm just one man
But I know you want more ♪

♪ My friends call me Tobias
But you can call me Four ♪

♪ I'm a divergent, baby, yeah ♪

[Four] That's right, baby.
Now, you know the deal.

Also, there's other characters,
and plot and stuff.

[music concluding]