What We Do in the Shadows (2014) - full transcript

Follow the lives of Viago (Taika Waititi), Deacon (Jonathan Brugh), and Vladislav (Jemaine Clement) - three flatmates who are just trying to get by and overcome life's obstacles-like being immortal vampires who must feast on human blood. Hundreds of years old, the vampires are finding that beyond sunlight catastrophes, hitting the main artery, and not being able to get a sense of their wardrobe without a reflection-modern society has them struggling with the mundane like paying rent, keeping up with the chore wheel, trying to get into nightclubs, and overcoming flatmate conflicts.

[Clock chiming]

[Alarm beeping]

[Beeping stops]

[Coffin opens, creaking]

VIAGO: [German accent] So,
it's 6:00 p.m. in the nighttime,

which is when I wake up.

This is always really scary part
for me.

Yes! Nighttime.

So, now I'm going to wake up
my flatmates.

I really love
living in a flatting situation.

Wake up!

Wake up, everyone!

I like to hang out
with other vampires.

I like the company.



[ Knocking ]

I just really like having
a good time with my friends.


Hi. Hey.

- Deacon?
- [ Hisses]

How was your night last night?

[German accent] I transformed
into a dog and had sex.

VIAGO: Cool!

We're gonna have a little
flat meeting in the kitchen

in about 15 minutes, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Should I close this?
- Yes.

[ Door closes, knocking]


- [ Women moaning]
- VLADISLAV: [Hisses]

Sorry. Sorry!

[German accent] What?

- Hey.
- What time is it?

Um, we're going to have a flat
meeting in about 10 minutes.

- 20.
- Okay. Is there...

[Chicken clucking]

So, we're in Petyr's room.

I'm just going to wake him up.


[Singsongy voice] Petyr?


- [ Normal voice] Petyr, wake up.
- [ Hisses]

Hey, listen.

We're just having a flat meeting
upstairs in about 10 minutes.

You don't have to come,

but I thought I'd extend an
invitation to you just in case.


There's a lot of stuff on the
floor down here, Petyr, and...

- Like this... It seems...
- [ Clatter]

I don't... Aah!
It's a spinal column. Yuck!

And I was thinking maybe I just
should bring a broom down here

for you if you wanted to sweep
up some of the skeletons.

I don't know.
You know, maybe...

[ Hisses]


- I got you this chicken.
- [ Chicken clucking]

PETYR: [Hisses]

- VIAGO: [Sighs]
- Is Petyr coming?

- Should we wait?
- Petyr's... 8,000 years old.

We're not going to have Petyr
at the meeting.

Okay. So... wanted
to have a quick chat

about flat responsibilities
because, uh, guys,

I think that we're not
all pulling our weight here.

We're not just pointing
the finger at you, Deacon.

You're a cool guy, but
you're not pulling your weight

in the flat.

Well, I'm glad to hear
that I'm cool. [Chuckles]

No, that's not the point,

VIAGO: Yeah. It's not a flat
meeting about how cool you are.

- I do my flat chores.
- VLADISLAV: No, you don't!

VIAGO: This is why we're having
the flat meeting.

The point is, Deacon,

that you have not done
the dishes for five years.

VIAGO: Vladislav is right.

It's unacceptable to have
so many bloody dishes

all over this bench like that.

I'm so embarrassed
when people come over here.

What does it matter?!

You bring them over.
You kill them!

Vampires don't do dishes.

VIAGO: Deacon's like
the rebellious young vampire.

He's always doing crazy things,
saying crazy things.

He's just like
the young bad boy of the group.

Okay. So...

one day I was selling my wares,

and I walked past
this old creepy castle.

And I look at it and think...

..."Very old and creepy."

And then this creature
flies at me!

It dragged me
back to this dark dungeon

and bit into my neck.

And just at the point of death,

this creature forced me
to suck its foul blood.

And then, it opened its wings
like this

and hovered above me,

[Laughs evilly]

"Now you are vampire."

And it was Petyr.

And we're still friends today.

VIAGO: Vlad, you were great.

You put out the recycling,
which was really cool.

And the other day, I dragged
a man's body down the hallway

and noticed
that there was no dust.

Like, I kind of...
I kind of swept the hallway.

VIAGO: Vladislav is
just, like, this older vampire

who grew up
in the medieval times.

And, you know,
to be living this long

and to have seen
the things that he's seen

and still, like,
kind of have it together...


...I mean, hats off to him.

Bloody hell!


He's a really great guy.

A bit of a pervert.

He has some pretty old ideas
about things.

- We should get some slaves.
- Yes.

When I first became a vampire,
I was quite tyrannical.

I was known
for torturing a lot of people.

This is my torture chamber.

I don't come in here often

I tended to torture
when I was in a bad place.

My thing was, I would poke
someone with implements.

I was known
as Vladislav the Poker.

VIAGO: It's been like this
the whole time, okay? So...

Viago is a little... pedantic.

VIAGO: The washing
and the rubbish, I did that.

Deacon, on dishes,

and it's still hasn't moved
in five years.

He was an 18th-century dandy,
so he can be very fussy.

He nags and nags.

...the lounge the other day,

and there was blood
all over my nice antique couch.

Which one?
The red one?

Well, it's red now, yeah.

If you're going to eat a victim
on my nice clean couch,

put down some newspaper
on the floor and some towels.

It's not hard to do.

We're vampires!
We don't put down towels.

Some vampires do.

Well, not serious ones.

When you get four vampires
in a flat,

obviously there's going to be
a lot of tension.

There's tension
in any flatting situation.

It's settled, then.
We'll all do our jobs,

starting with
a certain Deacon...

- I will do my dishes!
- Good! Then do them!

[Both hissing]

This is bullshit.

[Vacuum cleaner runs]

♪ Don't sing
if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead,
you're dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

Well, I became a vampire
when I was 16.

That is why I always look 16.

In those days, of course,

life was tough
for a 16-year-old.

♪ You'll never get
a second chance ♪

♪ Plan all your moves
in advance ♪

♪ Stay dead,
stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ Stay dead
and out of this world ♪

VIAGO: Vampires have had
a pretty bad rap.

We're not these mopey old
creatures who live in castles.

And, well, some...
Most of us are.

A lot are, but...

there are also those of us
who like to flat together

in really small countries
like New Zealand.

♪ Don't ever talk
with your eyes ♪

♪ Be sure that you compromise ♪

♪ You're dead,
you're dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

I was a Nazi vampire.

[Hitler speaking German]

After the war,
which the Nazis lost...

I don't know if you know
that the Nazis lost that war.

If you were a Nazi,
after the war...

And if you were a vampire...

And if you were
a Nazi vampire...

no way.

I was out of there.

♪ Long gone,
long gone, lone gone ♪

♪ Long gone
and out of this world ♪

♪ When you smile
and it tears your face ♪

♪ It's time
for the inhuman race ♪

♪ You're down,
you're down, you're down ♪

♪ You're down
and out of this world ♪

Ja, I came to this country
for love.

Uh, there was a girl.
Human girl.


I thought she was fantastic.

She was absolutely amazing.

I was smitten.

Her family
emigrated to New Zealand.

And I thought, "You know what?

To hell with it.
I'm going to go.

I'm going to chase her
and tell her how I feel."

I told my servant Phillip,
"Send me to New Zealand."

He put the wrong postage
on my coffin.

So the whole journey
took about 18 months.

[Sea gulls crying,
foghorn blows]

And when I got here,
she had found someone else.

She had fallen in love.


she was married.

She gave me this
before she left.

There she is.

That's me.
I put myself in there, too.

She told me it was pure silver.

Unfortunately, we vampires
cannot wear silver.

[ Breathes sharply]


[Blowing rapidly]

[ Breathes deeply]


That's about as long
as I can wear that.

[Trumpet playing sour notes]

[Dissonant music plays]

VLADISLAV: Tonight, we are going
out into Wellington central.

It is important
that we look good.

Yeah, it's really good.
Yeah. Like it?

One of the unfortunate things
about not having a reflection

is that you don't know
exactly what you look like.


Look! A ghost cup!

Floating all by itself!

We can give each other feedback

and help each other out
until we're looking great.

VIAGO: Yeah. Some of our clothes
are from victims.

You might bite someone,
and then you think,

Those are some nice pants!"

- Do I wear these?
- VLADISLAV: No. Change it.

When you're a vampire,
you become very sexy.

VLADISLAV: We are trying
to attract victims to us.

Not sure about the waistcoat.

I go for a look which I call
"dead but delicious."

We are the bait.

But we're also the trap.

Hello, ladies.


And voila. We are ready
to go into town and party.

- Vampire-style.
- Vampire-style.

DEACON: When we go into town,
we must try to blend in.

Just walking the streets.

Coming into town is really cool

because just
for one brief moment, I feel...

MAN: Homos!

♪ Hanging out in discotheques ♪

♪ Hanging out in bars ♪

The trouble
with being a vampire is,

you have to be invited in
to go in.

DEACON: We'd like to come
into the bar, please.

Invite us into the bar.

$5, you can walk in.

- Will you invite us in?!
- Could you just...

VLADISLAV: If the humans
found out what we were,

they would destroy us.

VIAGO: There are
between 60 and 70 vampires

in the Greater Wellington

- VLADISLAV: Obvious vampire.
- VIAGO: Julie.

How embarrassing.

He's, um, a guy I used to
work with when I was human.

- Really? Gone?
- Yeah, he's gone.

I've been draining him
all night.

I've been a very thirsty girl.

- VLADISLAV: Hey, guys.
- VIAGO: Being bitten

as a little boy
or a little girl,

you always going
to look the same age.

What are you doing tonight?

Are you going to kill
some perverts?

We're meeting a pedophile.

- Cool.
- GIRL: Yeah.

Let's just go to Big Kumara.

- Have a good night, guys!
- Yeah. You, too.

The Big Kumara
is vampire-owned-and-operated,

and so, we can always get in.

It's the hottest night spot
for vampires in Wellington.

- Come on in, guys. Come on in.
- Thank you. Thanks.

♪ ...sea ♪

♪ We'll find our feet ♪

Perhaps you could bring
some people to the house.

- Sure.
- Perhaps some virgins.

Virgins? Yep. Okay.

Any kind of preference
in terms of gender or...

- Maybe some ladies.
- Yep. Ladies.

Perhaps a guy-

JACKIE: One of each?

One of each would be cool.

JACKIE: My relationship
with Deacon is...

Well, I'm his familiar.
He's my master.

He tells me what to do.
I do it.

We have that kind of
master-servant relationship,

which works nicely actually.

Oh, it's a little bit of blood.

Um, my husband, he...
He's a hemophiliac.

- Oh, okay.
- You know?

- Someone that bleeds a lot.
- Yep.

Any kind of age range?

- Young.
- But not... not kids?

- Not kids.
- Okay.

18 to 30?

Definitely younger
than yourself.

Okay. So 18 to 30.

- Great.
- So, it's a dinner party?

- I'll be there.
- Yes. Dinner party.

- The guys will be there.
- Yes.

- We'll all be there.
- We will dress up...

- Okay. Great.
- ...and then eat them.

- Okay. Great.
- DEACON: Should be fun.

I was just wondering
if we could talk about the...

You wouldn't know
of a night dentist?

Because I have this thing here.

I was just wondering if we could
talk about the... the deal.

- Hmm?
- The deal.

- The dishes?
- No, no. The...

You know, the deal.

The deal is that he is going
to give me eternal life...

um, which is...

very exciting.

Well, I just feel like I've
kind of reached my potential,

and I wouldn't want
to kind of get any older

before kind of...

I just feel like I'm the best
version of myself that I can be.

It's just that it's been
4 1/2 years, and I just...

But it's doing your...
I'm doing your pot plants.

I'm doing your dry cleaning.
Now I'm doing your dishes.

- And the dentist?
- JACKIE: And the dentist.

And it's just taking
an awful long time,

- so I was just wondering...
- Be gone.


- See you later.
- Okay.

VIAGO: One of
the most unfortunate things

about being a vampire is that...

you have to drink human blood.

I like to make
a real evening of it.

It's lovely.

VIAGO: Play some music.
Maybe give them some nice wine.

It's their last moment alive,

so why not make it
a nice experience?

[Mandolin plays]


tell we what you do.
What do you...

I'm thinking about
going to uni, actually.

Oh, you are?
Put that under there.


University, ja?

Yeah. But after that,
I'm gonna travel.

Yeah. Really wanted
to go overseas for ages, so...

I'm saving up,
and I'm gonna go to Spain

and Italy and London and...


Okay. Excuse me.

- Just put that there.
- Oh.

Here we go.



VIAGO: Shit!


[ Spits, gargles]

Well, that didn't go so great.

Um, I hit the main artery.

So, yeah,
it's a real mess in there.


On the upside, I think
she had a really good time.

So, it's quite late,

and I've managed to find
a woman up watching television.

And she seems like
she'd be a good victim.

I'm just going to use hypnosis
on her.

See me.

See me.

She can't see me
from that angle.

VIAGO: Vladislav used to be
extremely powerful.

He could hypnotize
crowds of people.

DEACON: Great orgies.
20, 30 women.

VIAGO: He could turn
into all sorts of animals.

But now he never get
the faces right.

DEACON: He would kill anybody...
men, women, children.

Burning everything.

It was totally great.

But he suffered
a humiliating defeat

at the hands
of his archnemesis...

...The Beast.

And he's never been the same.

See me.

See me.

See me.

- See me.
- [ Door opens]

Would you like to come inside?

Mm. Mm.

[Knock on door]


- Jackie, welcome. Come in.
- Hello.

This is Nick.

- And Josephine.
- Nice house.

And this is Deacon,
my overseas friend from Europe.

Deacon and his friends
need victims.

Hi! Please come in.

They can't be people that...

I actually invest in or like

because, of course,
they will become victims.

Hi. Josephine?

No, I sat next to you
in English. Remember?

Um, you used to call me
The Ja-xocist?

No, you did.
No, you did. Yeah.

You started that.

You were the one
that started calling me that,

and then it kind of caught on.


[Laughing] Okay.
Bye, then. Bye.

She's in.

[ Big-band music plays ]

Do you like that, Nick?

Yep. It's choice.

I will go and prepare dinner.


Nick, are you a virgin at all?

Eh, What?

VLADISLAV: Doesn't seem like...
Are you a virgin?

- Yes.
- Um, no.

You were a virgin when
we were seeing each other.

Yeah. I was 12.

You said he was a virgin.

I think we drink virgin blood
because it sounds cool.

I think of it like this...

If you're going to eat
a sandwich,

you will just enjoy it more if
you knew no one had fucked it.

Let's concentrate
on Josephine, then.

Are you a virgin?

I'm not, no.

Okay, I'm really sorry,

because I totally
pinned her as a virgin.

She looks like a virgin.
She talks like a virgin.

I mean, who would have sex
with her? I wouldn't.

I would.


[ Man singing operatically]

Two dinners.
Two dinners! Yum.

DEACON: Nick...

do you like bisghetti?

Uh... yep.
I usually like it.

But be better if it was warm.

So, this is my favorite trick.

We present our guest
with a plate of bisghetti.

And then, I will say, "Why don't
you eat some bisghetti?

Please, Nick...

eat some bisghetti.

I didn't realize you enjoyed
eating worms... Nick.

- No. No.
- They are worms.

There's worms
moving around on my plate.

VLADISLAV: It is worm-like.

This is merely bisghetti!

DEACON: We stole that idea
from "The Lost Boys."

But I put a nice twist on it.

Nick... how does it feel
to have a snake for a penis?

VIAGO: [Laughs]

my penis has disappeared.

There's a cobra snake.

No one's gonna mistake your
penis for a cobra, Nick, okay?

What did you put
in my spaghetti?

It is just a normal penis.

I'm out. I'm out.

do you like bisghetti?

Look, these freaks
spike my spaghetti,

make my cock turn into a snake.

This is not cool.
Not cool.

[ Door rattles]

You don't think this is weird?

[ Door rattles]

For fuck's sakes.

[ Door rattles]


- Jackie!
- [ Pounding on window]

- Sorry, Nick.
- NICK: What are you doing?!


- Oh!

[Dissonant music plays]

Shit! Shit!

[ Bat screeching ]

VLADISLAV: [ Yowling ]

What the fuck?


Nah. Nah.

VIAGO: [Hisses]


[ Hisses]

[Growls, pounding on door]

- Fuck off.
- [ Pounding stops]

Where am I?

[Dissonant music plays]

[ Hisses]



[Vampires hissing]



Fuck! Aah!

[Vampires hissing]



[ Hisses]

Aw, no.
Petyr got him.

VLADISLAV: Poor guy.

DEACON: Who let Petyr out?

[ Slow music plays ]

NICK: Hey, guys.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

What are you doing, Nick?

- [ Record scratches ]
- Come into the house.

Hi. My name is Nick.
Hey, guys.

I've been a vampire
for two months.

Probably, I reckon, the best
thing about being a vampire

is flying.

Like, I've always wanted to.

I think everyone
has always wanted to fly.

And now I can do it.


Nick, why don't you use
the front door?

Why would I?
I'm flying.

Petyr bit me.

Sucked all my blood out.

I woke up in his basement,
and he offered me some blood.

I just thought
it was something...

some German thing
that these guys do.

The transition into becoming
a vampire was pretty hard.

I looked like shit
to start off with.

Like, I had
a massive gash on my neck.

Like, you could see
the inside of my neck.

I had blood all over my top.

And then I came home,
and I was sweating.

I was either really hot
or really cold.

It was like a hangover times 10,
I reckon.

It was really bad.

It was quite similar
to having the flu...

except the only difference
would probably be

that my eyes bleed heaps.

Are you guys not cold?

I don't know.
I can't explain it.

Like it was just, yeah.
Just real hot and cold

and like bloody eyes
and flying and stuff.

DEACON: The neighbors can see
you flying around the house.

You want to draw attention
to this house, hmm?

You've got a whole documentary
crew following you around.

I'm doing an erotic dance
for my friends,

and you ruined it.

I was in the zone.
My friends are loving it.

I love it. I saw the end of it.
It looked great.

I don't know
if I'm accepted yet.

But... I don't know.
I think it's getting there.

I know they're old and stuff,

but they're quite naive
when it comes to the real world.

So... I don't know.

It would be cool
to just hang out with them.

They can teach me some stuff.

I can probably teach them
a few things.

[ Record scratching ]

[ Big-band music plays ]

[Music stops]

At the start, it was like,
"Oh no. Like, I'm... I'm dead."

It's kind of affected my
friendship with normal people...

my family and stuff.

But the way I see it,
I've got a whole new family.

They accept me for who I am.

And I accept them
for who they are...

[Imitating video-game beeping]

...even though
one of them killed me.

Where should we go tonight?

Let's go to the Big Kumara.

Why don't we go
to Boogie Wonderland?

We never get
into Boogie Wonderland.

No. My friend Richard's
the bouncer.

- He can get us in.
- VIAGO: What? Really?

NICK: He'll invite us in.

- Stu's keen. Stu loves it.
- Who? Is that Stu?

Uh, this is my friend Stu.

- Hey.
- Hey.

He works in computers and stuff.

Originally he went out
with my sister.

And then they broke up.

I didn't really get into it,

It's got nothing to do with me.

And he can't hear me.

Yeah. So, basically, Stu
doesn't know that I'm a vampire.

And he doesn't know
that my friends are vampires.

He just thinks that I've just
met some colorful friends.

This is jasmine.

I brought him 'round
to the house,

and they all thought
I'd brought, like, a meal

for everyone.

It just like...
It really, really sucks

that I can't eat him.

I just want to like ahhh.

Look at it.
He's the reddest guy I know.

But... You can hear me.

Yeah. You like computer-based
stuff, eh, mainly?

- Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Geodatabases. Yeah.
- Yeah. Like computers mainly.

Let's have a vote for Boogie
Wonderland or The Big Kumara.

Big Kumara!

- NICK: Right.
- [ Sarcastically] Great.

NICK: Careful, Stu.
Hurry up.

DEACON: I don't think Nick

should have been turned
into a vampire.

He's such a dick.

How are you, brother?
Looking great, man.

Gentlemen, you are most welcome.

[ Laughter]

[Dance music plays]

We're in Boogie Wonderland!

So, here we are
at Boogie Wonderland,

and it is so much fun.

They have an electric floor.

This is amazing!

I'm just so happy to be here.

This is pretty cheesy.

Also, did you see
the jacket he wore?

He's wearing
the same jacket as me.

- It's not exactly the same.
- It's pretty close.

♪ Cool vibe ♪

♪ Cool vibe ♪

NICK: What?
Of course not.

I'm just loving being a vampire
at the moment.

♪ Cool vibe ♪

- [ Screaming]
- ♪ Cool vibe ♪

NICK: Over there
is the Fat Ladies Arms.

Uh, On Wednesdays, they do like
a "Fear Factor" competition.

You can win like T-shirts
and hats and spot prizes.

I can smell werewolves.

VLADISLAV: Okay, we're
just about to walk past

some werewolves,
so some shit might go down.

DEACON: Look out, guys.
Don't catch fleas.

- ANTON: What's that, mate?
- VIAGO: Deacon.

- Sorry. What?
- Keep going. Keep walking.

ANTON: What?
We heard that, mate.

We've got sensitive hearing.

- DEACON: Have you?
- ANTON: Yeah.

What are you filming?
It's a music video, is it?

- We don't want any trouble.
- I do.

- CLIFTON: Why did you start it?
- Have I got your hackles up?

Huh? Why don't you girls
smell your own crotches, huh?

- Come on, Deacon. Stop it.
- What are you talking about?

We don't smell our own crotches.
We smell each other's crotches.

And it's a form of greeting.

You're on camera, mate.

- Don't do it.
- What?

It's okay,
'cause I know this guy.

It's Count Fag-ula.

[ Laughter]

ANTON: Hey, hey, hey.
Don't swear.

- Sorry. They... They...
- We're werewolves.

- Not swear-wolves.
- What are we?

TOGETHER: We're werewolves,
not swear-wolves.

"Faggot's" not a swear word.

- That's a very offensive word
to call people.

Well, unless you're talking
about a bundle of sticks.

Chase this bundle of sticks...

Don't get it!
Nathan, it's not real.

He's just gonna take off
his gloves.

Aah! Shit, man!
The fuck you do that for?

Hey! Don't swear.

We're gonna lose it.
We're gonna lose it.

- DION: [Snarls]
- ANTON: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey.

Oh, shit.
I've still got my glasses.

- [ Snarling]
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- [ Snarling ]

Oh! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Do the breathing!
Do the breathing!

- WEREWOLF: Do the breathing.
- Count to 10, mate. All right.

- Come on.
- WEREWOLF: Hold it.

Count to 10, human again.

It's all right.
It's not full moon.

Thanks a lot, guys.
Enjoy your night.

You should be ashamed
of yourselves, man.

We didn't want this to happen.

[Vampires hissing]

[Werewolves howling ]

- ANTON: Come on, guys.

Say it!
Don't spray it, bitch!

ANTON: Clifton!

- Why you swearing all the time?!
- CLIFTON: Well, he riled me up.

- Were they actually werewolves?
- VIAGO: Ja.

Are you okay, Stu?

[ Indistinct conversation]

NICK: I just don't really know
how to approach this,

'cause I never done it before.

Um, and he is a good friend.

And I don't want to...

I don't want to break
that friendship, but...

then again, what do you do

when someone tells you
that they're a vampire?

I'm expecting him to be angry.
He might be scared.

I'm expecting a lot of things
to bubble to the surface.

You probably noticed
there's been...

I've been going through
a few changes lately.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?


Like, I don't show up
for lunch anymore.

- Yeah.
- And how I've changed

all our tennis games
to nighttime tennis games.


And how you went
from beating me every time

and how I've won the last three.

STU: Yeah.

So... the reason
I brought you here...

is to tell you that...

I'm a vampire.

Stu took it pretty well.

He's definitely my best mate.

And I'm not gonna eat him.

If they ever offer you
spaghetti, um...

you shouldn't eat it.

I think
they offered me biscotti.

Vampire mates
don't eat human mates.

And no matter
how much I wanted to eat him,

I'll never eat him
'cause he's my mate.

- Eh, Stu?
- Yeah.


VIAGO: Stu is great.

We really like him.

At first, I wanted to kill him.

But now I'm glad I spent
the time to get to know him.

VIAGO: Ja, of course
he looks delicious

with his big red cheeks.

But we've all got an agreement
that we're not going to eat Stu.

- Right?
- Right.

The guys upstairs,
they're loving him.

At the start, they were a bit,

"Who's this human you're
bringing into the house?"

But it took them
literally two minutes,

and they like him more
than they like me, I reckon.

I'm knitting a scarf for Stu.

Try and attack.
Use your legs.


- Step back and block. Ha.
- Okay.

- And punching high.
- Yep.

- Hi.
- Yep.

What I'm trying to say is...

'cause I know that you...
you turned me into a vampire.

Maybe don't do that to him.

He's a... vegetarian.

Last thing he'd want to
is eat a live being

- or eat blood or eat meat.
- [ Grunts]

- I am controlling this.
- Get it! Get it!

VIAGO: It's quite amazing
to see how far technology

can go forward
if you're not paying attention.

[Cellphone beeping]

"One message received."

"There is a crucifix
behind you."

- VIAGO: [Giggling]
- So, down on that one.

Like, halfway down
will focus it.

- Maybe smile.
- [ Camera shutter clicks]

♪ Gloria ♪

♪ Gloria ♪

Anything you want to find,
you write it into this.

I lost a really nice silk scarf
in about 1912.

Yes. Now Google it.

Stu is the first human friend

that I've had for long time.

With humans,
there's a tendency to die.


We can look at her photos.

- Oh, yes.
- Or we could poke her.


Can we see a movie of a sunrise?

- Oh, Shit!
- VLADISLAV: Oh! Nice.

If we push "images," than we
can see pictures of virgins.

- Oh, yes
- Ja, ja.

STU: Whoops.

VLADISLAV: I don't think she's
a virgin if she's doing that.

[ Choir singing operatically ]

[ Record scratching ]

[ Music continues ]

VIAGO: There he is, yeah.

This is my old servant, Phillip.

- So, we're gonna call him.
- Ja.

And maximize the screen.

[Computer beeping]

VIAGO: [Gasps]
My God, that's him. that's him.

That's him.
That's Phillip. That's Phillip.

He looks so old.

[ Speaking German ]

VIAGO: [Laughs]


STU: Oh. Just click that.
Yeah. That one.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

...data about where things are.

Like Google Map stuff?

Kind of like Google Maps,

but, like, more layers
of information.

The movie "Twilight"...
Have you seen it?

- WOMAN: Yeah.
- Okay.

I'm the main guy in "Twilight."

You know the main guy?

That's me. There's cameras
following me around.

They could have chosen anyone.

VLADISLAV: How many people
have you told you're a vampire?

- Not many.
- I heard that girl

talking about it.

She said you're a vampire.

Yeah. I told her.

- VIAGO: Who else?
- Who did you tell?

Uh, I told her hot friend.

You can't tell everyone that
you're [Whispering] a vampire.

- VIAGO: Who's that guy?
- I don't know, but I trust him.


- You can't tell everyone.
- All right. I won't.

- I'm a vampire!
- [ Crowd cheering]


Yeah, I've got a bit
of an eye condition.

What's wrong with them?

Uh, vampire eyes.
Can't go into the sun.

WOMAN: Oh, my God.
Are they your fangs?

For real?

For real real.

Too real, real.

I'm a vampire, though.

- You're a vampire?
- Yeah.

- I'm a vampire hunter, man.
- [ Laughs] No, you're not.

- I am.
- Fucking piece of shit.

I'll Skype you.

I can float.
I can transform into stuff.

- Same.
- No, you can't.

I'll show you. Whoo!

You show me. Show me some
of your vampire stuff.

What have I got?

[ Hisses]

Don't lie
about transforming into shit.

- "Twilight"!
- Shut up, Nick!

You're not "Twilight."

- What's your problem?
- You are my problem.

Telling the world
that we are vampires.

And I'll tell the whole world
that you're an asshole now.

Shut up!

- You shut up!
- VIAGO: Guys!

- You shut up!
- No. You shut up!

- No. You shut up!
- You shut up!

- I'm Dracula, man!
- You're not Dracula!

You don't even know
who Dracula is!

You idiot!

[ Bat screeching ]


- Ooh, bat fight!
- Bat fight! Oh, ja, ja!



[ Bat screeching ]

Aw, Deacon!

That wasn't fair, man.

My fucking jacket, man!

I don't care
about your stupid jacket.

- VIAGO: Deacon!
- STU: You okay, man?

- Hey, Stu.
- Mm-hmm?

How's your worms?

- What?
- You're eating worms.

Can you do that shit
where you turn it into worms?

- No.
- It doesn't work on chips.

Only works on things
that already look like worms.

Maybe noodles.
Do you want some noodles?

But he knows now.

Oh, no.
I wouldn't eat that.


Are you okay, Nick?

NICK: [Grunts]

All right?

He ate a chip.

I can't eat solids now.

What, I can't sunbathe.
I can't watch daytime TV.

I can if... Oh, yeah.
I guess I could.

More then anything,
it's just the chips.

It's my favorite food.
I can't eat chips.

I don't... It's just I hate...

I'll say it.
I'm over being a vampire.

It's shit.

So don't believe the hype.

[Wings flapping]

[ Electricity crackles,
bat screeches ]

[Thud, car alarm blares]

- DEACON: Jackie?!
- [ Knocking ]

Jackie, can I come in, please?

- JACKIE: Okay. Off to bed, guys.
- Hello, children!

- Don't look at the man.
- Hey, little children.

Natasha, don't look at the man.

I was going to bite you tonight.

- Really?
- But now I can't

because there's this Nick
being a vampire.

Sorry. I thought
you killed him two months ago.

No, I didn't
No. He's a vampire.

What do you mean?

He jumped
in front of your place.

All I'm saying is that, um...

you know, if I had a penis,
I would have been...

I would have been bitten
years ago.

I may have to penalize you.

Perhaps another couple of years.

Perhaps 10 years.

Like one big circle,
just biting each other's dicks.

You know, they don't even wear
shirts, They wear blouses.

It's just this big
homoerotic dick-biting club,

and I'm stuck here,
ironing their fucking frills!

Also, clean the bathroom,

There's blood everywhere.
It is gruesome.

Okay. [Clears throat]
See you tomorrow.

Off to bed, please.

VIAGO: Katherine.

She was so charming and nice.

She was everything I wanted.

Unfortunately, ja,
she was married.

Sure, I wanted to kill the guy.

I thought about
chopping his head off...

draining him of every drop
of blood that he had.

Who wouldn't?

But then, I also saw
how happy she was.

And that made me kind of happy.

And I didn't want to ruin it
for her, so...

I did the honorable thing,

and I just stepped back
and let her live her life.



PETYR: [Screeches]

VIAGO: Petyr's room!

- PETYR: [Screaming]
- VIAGO: Petyr!

- DEACON: Petyr!
- VIAGO: Oh, where is it?


- DEACON: Petyr!
- VIAGO: Petyr!

- PETYR: [Screaming]
- VIAGO: Petyr! Get water!

- PETYR: [Screams]
- VIAGO: Aah!

- Get out of the sunlight!
- DEACON: Water! Get water!

VIAGO: Petyr, get away
from the sunlight!

Get in the shadows!

- Get out of the sunlight!
- VLADISLAV: [Screaming]

Get out of my way!

- PETYR: [Screams]
- DEACON: I'm going in!

- I'm coming, Petyr!
- Deacon, no! It's sunlight!

I'm coming for you!

It's sunlight out there!

It's sunlight!
It's sunlight!

[Breathing heavily]

I was too late.

VIAGO: [Crying]

Turn that thing off.

Our friend had just been killed
in a fatal sunlight accident.

DEACON: So, this is
what I think happened.

The vampire hunter has broken
through the window here.

Has impacted the table,
breaking the table leg.

Then he has come this way...

towards the tomb.


Cover the crucifix!


And then
Petyr has burst from the tomb,

pushed the tomb lid
onto the vampire hunter.

And then the sunlight
has come through here

and burned Petyr alive.

I think this is just a table
leg, which is sanded down.

Do you think
he hand-sanded that?

Image that stuck in your...


VIAGO: It's quite shocking
down here, Nick.

Here's our sweet Petyr.

- NICK: Fuck, yeah.
- VIAGO: Burnt to a sizzle.

I can't figure out this.

- This is the vampire hunter.
- Oh, who's this guy?

Look at his bloody head on
back to front.

Twist it the other way.
The other way.

- This way.
- VIAGO: See who this guy is.


- Hmm. Typical macho type.
- VIAGO: Yuck.

- VLADISLAV: Hideous.
- NICK: Oh, shit.

I know that guy actually.

VLADISLAV: You know him?

- Yeah.
- VIAGO: What?

I saw him
the other night in town.

- Told him I was a vampire.
- VIAGO: What?!

I thought he was joking.
He said he was a vampire hunter.

You let a vampire hunter
into our house?

I didn't let him in.
I just gave him my e-mail.

VIAGO: Nick!

I will tear out your tongue
and shove it down your ass!

VIAGO: Guys!

[indistinct shouting]

I'm gonna kill you!

- [Door opens]
- [Growls]

Tear out your tongue!

You killed Petyr
with your big mouth!

NICK: It was a mistake!

- Get up.
- NICK: Take a breath.

Get up and stand on this ceiling
like a man.


- [ Hisses]
- We can talk about this, okay?

- We can talk about it.
- I'm gonna kill you!

I'm already dead!

Stu, stay back!

DEACON: [Growls]

- [ Knock on door]
- VLADISLAV: Shh, shh, shh!

- There's someone at the door.
- Shh.

I'll go. I'll go.

DEACON: [Hisses]

Oh, shit.

- Yeah, good evening, sir.
- Hello, police.

Hi. I'm Constable O'Leary.
This is Constable Minogue.

We're just responding
to a report

of a possible forced entry

and also a rather large amount
of shrieking.

Just, um, wondering
if maybe we could come in,

just have a wee look around?


What's with the fellow?
What's with the camera?

Yeah, we're obviously just here
'cause there was a phone call

from a member of the public
about a bit of disturbance.

Um, some loud noises.

Possibly a forced entry,
wasn't there?

And, also,
maybe a bit of smoke coming out.

So we're just
checking over the scene,

making sure everything's, you
know, aboveboard, so to speak,

and making sure no one's in
danger, that kind of thing.

We might go up
and have a wee look up there,

if that's all right with you.

Come on, mate.
You lead the way.



Smells a bit weird in here,
too, mate.

- Yeah.
- What do you call that?


You will not notice
anything out of the ordinary.

- DEACON: [Growls]
- No. We certainly hope not.

Let's just keep going up.

Yeah. Hi, there, guys.
How are you?

- Hello.
- MINOGUE: Hey, fellas.

O'LEARY: ls this the room
we've heard all the shouting

- coming from?
- DEACON: That was me.

Yeah, okay. We've had
a couple reports, okay?

There's couple people
not that happy

- about the level of noise here.
- Okay. The neighbors?

You've got neighbors
on either side.

[Whispering] Really nervous.
I've hypnotized those cops.

I'm not a great hypnotizer,
so it could wear off any second.

I really hope that those guys
don't kill those police

because it will mean
more police will come.

Possibly even Christians,

which is totally the last thing
we need in this house.

I can see
you're having a good time.

End of the day,
we got to keep the peace, okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

See what I'm seeing?

What's that, Minogue?

You're joking.

Not a smoke alarm in sight.

No smoke detectors, mate.

Rule number one...
smoke detectors.

- Okay.
- O'LEARY: Rule number 2...

maybe not
so many barbecues inside.

- MINOGUE: Sort it out, fellas.
- Okay.

Barbecue smells really strong
down here, doesn't it?

- What kind of marinade?
- Yeah.

O'LEARY: Who's this guy?

Um... it's a friend
who came to our party.

Mate, are you right?

- He's drunk.
- That's what I thought.

- Drunk guy.
- Yeah.

Look, you can't just leave him
down here like that, okay?

This guy's
not having a good time.

He's gonna feel terrible
tomorrow morning.

Well, he's soul is in hell.

Well, I don't know
where's his soul is,

but all I'm saying is,
"Where's his blanket?"

There's a big slab of concrete
on him. Could move that.

O'LEARY: That's definitely not
gonna be comfortable.

- Anything else in here, Minogue?
- No. I think I've seen enough.

- Okay.
- Hang on a minute.

What have we got here?

- O'LEARY: What is that?
- VIAGO: This?

- This.
- Oh. This.

You can see it as clearly
as I can.

Adhesive, mate.
That's a flammable.

Then you got a lamp
on top of that.

Directly underneath
the power source.

- That is quite bad, guys.
- It's very bad.

And no smoke detectors again,
are there?

- No.
- Yes, there are.

- Yes, there are.
I see them, yeah. That's good.

Lots to think about, guys.

Lots to think about.

- Next flat meeting, ja?
- Yeah. Good thinking.

That's the thing. Just have
a bit of dialogue about it.

They've got a really good point.

Let's kill them.

Well, let's just see what
other safety points they have,

and then maybe we'll kill them.

I call into session this trial
of Nick of Wellington.

VIAGO: [Clears throat]

VLADISLAV: Read the charges.

"Problems we have with Nick."

Number one... You brought
a human into our house,

which is a big no-no
in the vampire world.

- Stu is okay, though.
- Yeah. Stu is fine.

So I guess we'll just
cross that one out.


- Thank you, Stu.
- VLADISLAV: Thank you, Stu.

So... the new number one...

Nick's been telling people
he's a vampire.

That, in turn, resulted
in an unwanted visit

from a vampire hunter.

Crime number two...
This is quite a biggie, Nick...

the vampire hunter
who killed Petyr.


That actually should have been
crime number one,

but we wanted to build up
to that.

Number three...
Deacon doesn't like

that you wear
the same jacket as him.

And he would like you to find
your own original style.

For these crimes of which
we, the vampire council,

find you guilty,

you should be banished
from our flat indefinitely.

- Indefinitely.
- Indefinitely.

- So I can come back one day?
- DEACON: No, no.

"Indefinitely" means
there is no end.

I thought it was like...

"Indefinite" means
that it's not a definite thing.

- It can be changed.
- Yes, but it's long.

Could be tomorrow.
Could be six months.

It is not tomorrow!

Forget about it.
You're banished.

You're banished.

But, Stu,
you can visit if you like.

Thank you.

DEACON: For your crimes...

you will be made to suffer
the Procession of Shame.

I asked them, Nick.

I asked them
not to pass that sentence.

We should do this immediately,
in my opinion.

You didn't ask. You didn't ask.
You were saying yes.

VIAGO: [ Breathes deeply]

I didn't, but I still think
it's quite extreme.

Let us do
the Procession of Shame now.

- Shame.
- Shame, shame.

- Shame.
- Shame!

- Shame!
- Bad vampire!


Shall we go, Stu?

[Whispering] Bye, Stu.

[ Gate creaks]

That was a shame.


So, today we have an invitation

to the big event of the year.

VIAGO: Breaking it open.

They have burnt the edges.

VIAGO: Like a treasure map
or something.

very authentic, doesn't it?

"Dearly departed..."

That's us.

"The Wellington
Vampire Association

in conjunction with the
Lower Hutt Vampire Witch Club

and the Karori Zombie Society

invite you to attend
The Unholy Masquerade

on the night of the 6th of June
starting at 6:00 p.m."

- 666.
- Oh, yeah.

The Unholy Masquerade,
of course, is a great time

for the undead community
of Wellington.

There's zombies there,
vampires, banshees...

all having a dance together.

It's always a big deal for me.
Love it.

One year I went
to The Unholy Masquerade

dressed as Whoopi Goldberg
from "Sister Act 1"

and "Sister Act 2:
Back in the Habit."

Didn't go down so well
because she was a nun.


Vampires don't like nuns.

VLADISLAV: Of course, the big
deal of The Unholy Masquerade

is every year they
announce the guest of honor.

And, um...

I don't know if I should be
saying this, but...

I heard a little rumor that
the guest of honor this year

might be me.

DEACON: The location...

Oh, yeah. Where is it?

- Oh, the location.
- The Cathedral of Despair.

And the guest of honor
will be...

Who is it? Show me.

[ Breathes deeply]


[ Breathes deeply]

Okay. Okay.

- Okay, that's fine. That's fine.
- Okay?

VLADISLAV: [Screams]
I can't believe it!


Uh, Vladislav has just had
a reaction to the information

that the guest of honor
will be, um...

- VLADISLAV: [Screaming]
- ...The Beast.

The darkest part of my mind
is reserved for The Beast.

We could tell you a thing
or two about The Beast.

You should pray that you
never have to see The Beast.

This one is called "The Beast."

And I said, "Get you hands
off my balls, Beast!"

He may have told you
some stories

about his great battle
with The Beast.

Yeah. "Oh, I fought The Beast
on a cliff."

"Oh, I fought The Beast
in a swamp."

DEACON: Mm-hmm.

"One time I fought The Beast
in the toilets of a nightclub."

Difficult battle.

I hope you never see The Beast.

The Beast.

You can't go to the ball
as Blade.

He's a vampire hunter.

VIAGO: Yeah, but vampires
love Wesley Snipes.

No. It's inappropriate.

Okay, Vlad.
The green jodhpurs

or the black leather
with the dragon belt?

VLADISLAV: Just wear the pants
you're going to wear.

Which pants do you want to wear?

Just look at the pants, Vlad.
Turn around and look at them.

They're just pants!

- Shit, man.
- Holy shit!

Oh, you look terrible.

The black pants.

Thank you.
Get dressed.

I don't know
if I feel up to it, really.

You don't look that great, but
if you eat someone on the way

and rejuvenate a little bit...

You could probably wear
a mask or something.

Just leave me to do
my dark bidding on the Internet!

What are you bidding on?

I'm bidding on a table.

- Are you coming or not?
- Not.

VIAGO: I'm gonna go change.
We're leaving in 10 minutes.

- [ Sighs]
- VLADISLAV: Have a good time.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

- Hello.
- Hi.

We tend to often...
without getting into that...

kind of [Moaning] stuff,
which I'm really sick of that,

but, you know, it's just,

it's harder for us
to actually chase people down.

Can I introduce Gary and Alicia?

- [ Gary and Alicia groaning]
- Hi. How are you?

- Hi.
- [ Groaning continues]

Less groaning.
Less groaning, guys.

So, we're
at The Unholy Masquerade.

It's great.

This is my mask...

which I made for the occasion.

- Ah!
- Hey.'

- [Laughs]
- DEACON: Jackie.


- This is an undead party.
- Yeah, I'm a vampire.

- You'll have your...
- I'm a vampire.

I'm a vampire.

- Great.
- Yeah, yeah.

So, um, who bit you?

Oh, Nick.

- Oh, great. Right.
- Yeah.

- DEACON: Okay.
- Deacon!

Pretty rude,
because she was my servant.

She was
a pretty useless servant.

Yes, but, still, I would have
appreciated if you'd asked.

How's Stu?

He's good.
He's here.

- Oh, he's here?
- DEACON: Stu!

- NICK: Stu!
- VIAGO: Hi!

- DEACON: Hey, hey!
- How are you?

Nice to see you.
Group hug.


Has anyone looked at you like
they want to eat you at all?

- Uh, no.
- [ Microphone feedback]

Can you hear me at the back?

On behalf of
the Wellington Vampire Society,

the Lower Hutt
Vampire and Witch Club,

and the Karori Zombie Society,
we welcome you here tonight.

We're raffling a live meat pack
this year.

You can inspect the prize
over here to my left.

It's a wonderful prize.

Tickets are only $10 each
or $45 for a book of five.

Now, without further adieu,
it's my very great pleasure

to introduce to you
this year's guest of honor...

Pauline Ivanovich!

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- That's The Beast.

PAULINE: Thank you.

The Beast is the name I give
to my ex-girlfriend Pauline.

She prefers Pauline.

We had
a very intense relationship.

We were very sexually explosive.

Last time I saw her, she impaled
me and called me an asshole.

She said all kinds of things
that really hurt me.

And all this while
I was impaled on a lamppost!

Well, everyone,
I will be mingling around,

and I really hope that...

I will meet...

- all of you.
- [ Laughter, applause]

[Up-tempo music plays]


That's the new guy.

Do you know
what kind of vampire he is...

- if he is a vampire?
- DEACON: Did you see his face?

PAULINE: Hello. Oh.

Oh, oh.

- Hello!
- VIAGO: Hi. How are you?

- This is Deacon.
- Hello, Deacon.

- This is Stu, our friend.
- Stu?

G'day, Stu.
How are you, mate?

- Good. Hi. Stu.
- Julian.

You've got
really warm hands, Stu.

Are you a demon?

No, he's not a demon.

I'm a software analyst.

- Stu, Stu...
- A male witch?

- It's kind of technical.
- You're a male witch.

You should go dance, uh,
with anyone.

- Sure.
- Okay. Take your time.

I like Stu.

He's not vampire.
So, what, he's a zombie or...

- Male witch?
- He's not... He's not, uh...

He's neither. He's, uh...
He's more of a human.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Nick, hey.

Um, Nick...

Do you mind if Stu is killed?

Uh, I don't feel that good
about it.

Can... Can I just ask you a,
you know, like, a...

- ...a personal question?
- Sure.

Are you... Are you, um...

Are you... Are you predeceased?


If anyone's gonna eat him,
it's gonna be us,

but we're not...
We're past that.

They can just
go fuck themselves.

It is your fault, okay?

You brought a human
into this den of vampiressness.

That's not helping.
Yes, you did.

My plus-one.

Lovely talking to you.
I've got to shoot off now.

See you later on.

[Sniffs, groans]

As soon as one vampire takes
a bite, it's a blood frenzy!

- We've got to get him out.
- Follow me, follow me.

Excuse me.
Sorry, guys.

Okay, Stu. Put that
over your bloody red face.

Just going out.
Oh, hey!

- Okay. Not that way.
- This way. This way.

Is there another way?

- PAULINE: [Laughs]
- Not this way.

- Back away from the vampires.
- Guys...

Excuse me, everyone.

Can I have your attention,

Some of the vampires
forget Unholy Masquerade rules.

- They brought a human.
- [ Crowd murmuring]

And they don't let us
to feast on him.

[Hisses, laughs]

This was
a total misunderstanding.

There was on the invitation...

And this actually pertains
to you.

The invitation,
it said "plus one,"

but it did not specify
if it could be a human

- or if it could be werewolf...
- Your admin sucks.

Yeah, but he could be a vampire
hunter for all we know.

He could texting his mates,

"I've got them all
in the one place.

Come on over.
We'll have a vampire barbecue"!

Well, he's not.
He's not doing that.

How do we know that?

He's wearing a bow tie.
Look at him.

- Tell them what you do.
- PAULINE: Come on, Stu.

Tell us what you do.
Come on.

Tell them what you do, Stu.

- Hi. My name is Stu.
- Don't fuck it up, man.

- PAULINE: I can't hear, Stu.
- Louder, louder.

Hi. My name is Stu.
Um, I work in...

- I can't hear.
- Stu, they can't hear you.

- They cannot hear you.
- Hi. My name's Stu.

I'm a software analyst.

I work for a geographic
information systems company.

What is it?

STU: I work for a company
that does...

Basically we take, like,
business requirements

from organizations.

And we analyze, um,
those requirements,

and then we build software
to fit those requirements.

He is a virgin.
He is a virgin.

I can smell a virgin
at 1,000 paces.

Go on, then. Go 1,000 paces
away and smell yourself.

- [ Crowd hisses]
- I can't wait anymore.

[Hissing continues]


[ Hisses]

There shall be
no eating of the human.

Who are you all of a sudden?

You have forgotten
your former lover so quickly.


No. Not Georgie.

Like 5 years after.

Wait a minute.

Just one moment.


No, I've got it. That's got it.
Takes away from...


Hello, Beast.

Hello, asshole.

- Hey, don't call me asshole!
- Don't call me Beast.

- This is Vladislav.
- Just absolutely the same.

This is my ex-boyfriend.
The one who fucked that witch.

All right. That's old business.
That's personal business.

- Nice to meet you, asshole.
- This is my lover.

You will not feast on the blood
of the human known as Stu.

This is human,
and this is the rules,

and what is cameras doing here?

One. Then another one.
What is this?

We're making a documentary on...

JULIAN: This is
a private secret society, mate.

You don't go bringing your
bloody cameras into everything.

You will not eat Stu, and
you will not eat the camera guy.

- Maybe one camera guy...
- I'm up to about bloody here

with you at the moment...

and all your mates behind there,
whoever the hell they are.

We're gonna eat the human being.

And there's nothing
you can do about it, all right?

Now back off
and let my missus get her way.

Oh, there's nothing
I can do about it?

- JULIUS: That's right, mate.
- Well, what about this?!

PAULINE: Rip his head off.
Rip his head off.

[indistinct shouting]

VIAGO: Vampire fight!

Get him, Vladislav!

[ Hisses]

PAULINE: Rip his head off!

VIAGO: He's killing him!
He's killing him!

It is forbidden for vampires
[Grunts] to kill vampires.

- [Thud]
- Aah!


- What the fuck?!
- PAULINE: Bloody hell!

- What? What?
- JULIAN: [Grunts]

Are you okay, love?
Get out!

- We should probably go, Stu.
- JULIAN: [Grunts]

It was great to see you,

Asshole! Bastards!


- He's a murderer!
- That was great...

how we both, together,
equally destroyed that guy.

Yeah, yeah. But it was more Stu
with the giant stick.

I hope this doesn't make it
awkward for you and The Beast.

No. I think it's opened up
new possibilities.

Oh, no.

- [ Chuckles] Here we go again.
- Here we go again.

♪ Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu ♪

♪ Stu, Stu, Stu ♪

♪ Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu ♪

♪ Stu, Stu ♪

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stop, stop. Listen, listen!

Do you smell that?


This way.


ANTON: Oh, no.

DEACON: Look what the cat
dragged in, huh?

CLIFTON: Piss off.

ANTON: Keep walking.
Don't hassle us tonight.

There has been no hassle here.

Well, let it stay that way.

Keep chaining yourselves up!

Guys, where's
your tracksuit pants?

It was washing night.

My missus couldn't wash them,

'cause there was
too much blood on them.

When your legs expand,
they grow into the tracksuit.


Those jeans
are gonna rip completely.

You've lost all those trousers,

that tree's far too thin!

Look at it!
It's like a branch!

You know how big you get
when you transform!

That's the wrong tree for you.

- Anton, I've...
- Oh, no.

You've forgot the combination.

Why did you get
a combination lock?

I lost my key last time.

Okay. Well,
it's probably four zeros.

That's the factory setting,
is it?

- Fuck off to a tree.

- Werewolves, not swear-wolves.
- ANTON: Yeah, I know.

But on transformation nights,
it's all right, all right?

- I'm getting stressed out.
- I was just reminding you.

ANTON: Stop talking and chain
yourself up, you dickhead!

Honestly, we're transforming.

VLADISLAV: All right.
We'll keep walking.

Yeah, keep walking. By the way,
I find that offensive!

Is that fur?

Ah, for crying out loud.

Don't look at the fur, everyone!
Get back to your trees, okay?

- That's disgusting, man.
- VLADISLAV: You're wearing fur.

- Yeah, but that's not real fur.
- Oh, shit!

- [ Werewolves snarling]
- Right.

Honestly, get out of here.
Take your humans!

That guy in the bow tie,
he's gonna go first!

- I'd better take Stu home.
- ANTON: Get out of here! Quick!

Take all your clothes off
that you want to keep, everyone!

Get that
Army surplus jacket off.

You've only just bought that,


Get that camera out of my face!

Guys, guys, guys!
Let's go! Let's go! Come on!

- [ Growls]
- VIAGO: Run, Stu, run! No!

Let's go! Let's go!

[Werewolves growling ]

[indistinct shouting]

- Shit!
- I got one!

- CAMERAMAN: [Panting]
- [ Rapid footsteps]

- [ Growls]
- CAMERAMAN: [Screams]

My leg! My leg!

[Werewolf snarling]

Oh, God!
Stu! Stu!

- STU: [Screams]
- NICK: Stu!

- [ Screams]
- NICK: Stu!

STU: Aah! Aah!
Get away!

Stu, you all right?!

- STU: [Screaming]
- NICK: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!


- Stu!
- STU: [Breathing heavily]

Fuck off, asshole!

- Fuck off!
- [ Growls]

Fuck off!
Get off, dick!

Oi! Assholes!

STU: [Screams]

NICK: No, no, no, no!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

DEACON: Stupid werewolves!
Look away, Nick!

Don't look at the blood!

Stu! Stu!

He's really good dude!
Leave him alone!

DEACON: It's too late for him!
Don't look at the blood, Nick!

NICK: Stu!

[Werewolves howling ]

There he is.

He's probably still
a little upset,

having seen his best friend
disemboweled by werewolves.


I found you.

Whoa. [Sniffles]

That was pretty full-on, eh?

But this is what happens
when you're a vampire.

You have to watch everyone die.

Your mother and father.

All your friends.

Sometimes brutal.

Like slipping and falling
onto a giant spike.

Or falling asleep
in an autumn pile of leaves

and having some of them
block your windpipe.

Or making the simple mistake

of fashioning a mask
out of crackers

and being attacked by ducks...



Or simply dying of old age.

But even old age is brutal.

Watching your friends grow old.

They can't piss.

And they say stupid things,
and their brains go,

and they can't
remember anything.

And then, one day, they can't
even remember who you are.

And you wish they were dead.

And then they do die.

NICK: [Sighs]


If I know Stu, this was probably
the way he wanted to go...

disemboweled by werewolves.

Blood and guts
splayed onto the trees.

His face torn to shreds.


I hope I made you feel better.

[ Radio chatter]

O'LEARY: Uh, well, from what we
can see and what we can gather,

it looks like there's been
a bit of a dog attack.

That's really what happens,
when you get, you know...

dangerous dogs out on the
streets, not being looked after.

This is not good.

Not good at all.

There's nicer ways
to go than being torn apart

by what looks like
a pack of dogs,

- more than just one.
- O'LEARY: I'd say so.

These attacks have been
happening more, more frequent.

They're happening
on a monthly basis,

and it's just no good
for anybody, okay?

Especially not the dogs.
Certainly not the community.

I've got the bastard.

- One of them here, eh?
- Geez.

And that's what I'm
talking about. Look at it.

End of the day, this dog
is gonna have to be put down.

- What a shame.
- [ Dog whines]

MINOGUE: Look What you did.

He's got the scent again,
hasn't he?

He wants to go again.
He's not finished.

VIAGO: They say that vampires'
hearts are cold and dead.

Definitely dead.

NICK: Bye, Stu.

He would have loved this scarf.

It's lovely loose knit.

But I don't know.

I think I still feel things
inside it.



Deacon, wakey, wakey.

- Viago.
- You were asleep in here.

The curtain's open.
It's nearly morning.

You want to get sizzled
to a crisp?

- What?
- You know,

you've got to think
a little bit about these things.

Okay. Sorry, Viago.

It's okay.
Night, night. Okay.

DEACON: [Grunts]

Received at 4:20 a.m.

[Knock on door]



- DEACON: Stu?!
- Hey, Deacon.

- DEACON: Stu!
- How's it?

- DEACON: [Laughs]
- Good to see you.

- Look at his face.
- I saw them tear you to shreds.

- Look. He looks like Seal.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- They didn't kill me.
- It looks cool.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Meet some of our friends.


- Deacon. Hi. Anton.
- Anton.


I must have blacked out.

And then,
I remember an ambulance.

MINOGUE: He's going into shock!
O'Leary! O'Leary!

- O'LEARY: Yeah, coming!
- STU: [Growling]

- Calm down, mate.
- Calm down. Grab his legs!

- Hang on.
- Looks like rabies, doesn't it?

And I don't know how long after
that was, but I, like, woke up.

And it was daytime.

[Dramatic music plays]

And I couldn't find my clothes.

Those werewolves guys
eventually found me.

And they had some...
They, like, lent me some pants.

So, yeah, those guys
have been supporting me,

'cause I was quite confused.

Yeah, these are the guys
who turned me into a werewolf.

Did you knit your own jersey?

- Yes.
- CLIFTON: Oh, yeah?

I knit.

- Is that the moon or...
- Yes.

Hopefully, we won't,
you know [Growls]

[ Laughter]

Ah, this is a nice place.

DEACON: Please don't, uh...

Don't lick anything
or pee on anything.

[ Laughter]

We were worried at first.

We thought, "Ooh, they're just
going to urinate on everything."

But they actually are
really polite and pretty clean.

There was obviously
the werewolf smell,

which permeated the entire house
for the first half an hour.

But we opened some windows
and got rid of that.

When Stu first suggested
the idea, I thought, "No way."

You know... walking into the
vampires' den, that's ludicrous.

WEREWOLF: That's my hand.

ANTON: But I thought,
"Well, we'll give it a shot."

I'm the alpha male,
so I made the call.

- I'm the alpha male.
- Yes.

So, generally, all
the other guys follow me.

- To Stu!
- To Stu!

Thanks, guys.

What have you done to your face?

I got attacked
by some werewolves.

Oh. I met a werewolf.
Seemed a very nice person.

So, Katherine's a vampire now.

- Yes.
- We decide to get together.

We just thought,
"To hell with it, you know.

What have we got to lose?"

KATHERINE: I was just sitting,
doing nothing,

and he came floating in
and over to me,

and I recognized him.

It was wonderful.

That's right.
I bit you on the neck.

[ Laughing ]
That's right.

VIAGO: Yeah.

And I don't mind
being a vampire.

I'm enjoying it.

VIAGO: Some people freak out
a bit about the age difference.

Uh, they think,
"What's this 96-year-old lady

doing with a guy
four times her age?"

- And, you know, I don't care.
- It doesn't make any difference.

No. They can call me
Cradle-snatcher. Who cares?

I decided to bite her, and
we're gonna be together forever.

- Wonderful.
- Yeah.

[Man singing in native language]

VLADISLAV: Pauline and I
are tentatively back together.

But it's not long
before you remember why it was

you broke up in the first place.


Start in our bedroom.

I need that totally boarded up
or blacked out somehow.

My husband is my familiar.

So there has been
a dynamic shift there.

You could buy a Bedazzler.
So write that down.

That's B-E-D...

I feel like
I'm who I really need to be now.

- I love you.
- Mm. I love you, too.


But I am your master.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah, these guys have to laugh
at my jokes, right, guys?

- [ Laughter]

That is a good one.

I always look 'round to
make sure they're all laughing.

Like, if I see one of them
is not quite laughing,

I'll be, "Hey! You laughing?"

And then, often,
I'll test you, eh?

What are you laughing at,

- Eh?
- What are you laughing at now?

- Just then?
- Yeah, yeah. But what?

Oh, I don't know.

Ah, test failed!
Test failed!

Yeah. Eh? Eh?
You're laughing now.

What are you laughing at now,

- I don't know 'cause...
- Ah. Another failure!

[ Laughter]

What are you laughing at, Stu?

Oh, I was laughing
with the group.

Yep, that's good.
That's good.

Yeah. See? Yeah.

Just pay attention.
Pay attention.

- Laugh with the group.
- Laugh with the group.

You will not remember
the last hour and a half

of what you have just seen.

You will forget
the contents of this movie.

[Fingers snap]