We're Talkin' Serious Money (1992) - full transcript
Comedy about two misfit men who lose a borrowed ten grand from a mob kingpin and must flee from NY to LA, only to there get involved in a caper involving a video of Senators in compromising positions. Given a cool million for the video, they are then pursued for the money, which brings about a surprise ending to the film, as well as to their bungling adventures.
[♪♪♪]
[CASH REGISTER WHIRRING INTERMITTENTLY]
[CASH REGISTER RINGS]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Hiya, Charlie.
Hiya, doll.
Hey, Connie, when you get a minute.
Yeah, when I get a minute.
Guess where we was today.
Where?
Well, I finally got Sal to take that aptitude test
that I've been after him to take.
The one that tells you what careers you're best suited for.
He did very well.
So, what are you best suited for, Sal?
Let's order. Huh?
I mean, what were the results?
What did you have, Charlie?
I had tuna on toast.
What are you best suited for?
Tell him. Valerie.
They said, you know, 'cause he's so thorough,
you know the way he is...
That he would be good for a civil service job,
like a postal worker.
Wait a minute, Valerie. What?
Postal worker was only one of the careers on the list...
Yeah, yeah, honey, it was only one of the careers.
A mailman, Sal?
There were other careers on the list.
Yeah. Like what? Dog catcher?
Hey, hey, Charlie. I'm very proud of him.
I'm sorry.
What are the specials today?
Same as yesterday, they're up on the wall.
You know, not for nothing, Connie,
but every place else they change their specials every day.
This place always has the same specials.
If you have the same special every day,
it's not special, it's regular.
What're you gonna have? I just want coffee.
You should have something. No, I don't want anything, babe.
We didn't have lunch, you should eat a little something.
I don't want nothin'.
If I wanted something, I would order it.
All right, but you should have a little something.
Hm.
Okay.
I want a hamburger, very well done, side of slaw,
some pickles and a large glass of milk.
The lady will have a coffee. Decaf please, Connie.
What?
You know, you always do that.
Do what?
You pore over the menu for 10 minutes,
you ask what the specials are,
and you always order a hamburger and a glass of milk.
Yeah, so?
Why don't you order the burger as soon as you sit down?
You'll make everybody's life a lot simpler.
Excuse me, but exactly who's life am I complicating?
Everybody's, Sal,
'cause you do that kind of stuff with everything.
Am I right? I'm not getting involved.
Pardon me, Saint Charles, but the next time
you're three months overdue on your car payment,
call somebody else, because I don't want
to complicate your life anymore.
Now, you want to hear what my cousin had to say
or do you want to go on with this bullshit?
All right, already.
You know what bearer bonds are?
They're bonds.
That's, that's good so far.
But it's more than that, they're cashable bonds.
The bearer, that means the guy that's got 'em,
can turn 'em in for cash almost anywhere in the world.
Now my cousin tells me,
that they have these couriers running between brokerage houses
carryin' sacks of these things,
usually a couple of hundred grand worth.
A couple of hundred thousand. Are you serious? Yeah.
And we could wind up with 40, 50 cents on a dollar.
There's this guy that works at the same brokerage house
my cousin works at, and they've become sort of friends.
They went out with some girls,
had a few drinks, things like that.
Anyway, they start talkin'.
And my cousin tells me, that for a price,
this guy is willing to fake a heist.
He'll tell us when he expects to be carryin' a lot of bonds,
he'll meet us somewhere, he'll turn the bonds over to us,
and we tie him up, give him a little shot over the head
to convince everybody, and like that.
It's perfect.
I don't believe youse two.
Don't start, Valerie. Oh, me don't start?
We're talkin' business here.
[SCOFFS] Give me a break. You call this business?
This ain't business. I got a beauty parlor.
That's a business. Oh, boy.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
Don't apologize for me please.
We're talking here, all right!
What about? Your big deals? Yeah, that's right.
What about what we talked about today?
Didn't the test mean nothing to you?
Valerie, you wanted me to take the test. I took the test.
In the meanwhile, I got to make a living, don't I?
Doing what?
More of your bright ideas?
Like the shipment of panty hose from South Korea,
one-size fits-all,
only they don't fit nobody taller than four-foot-six.
Or like the truckload of frozen fish
that you was gonna sell to all the restaurants,
remember that bargain?
You kept it in the garage for three weeks
till it stunk to high heaven.
You still got clothes I can smell the fish on.
Let's see...the cigarettes from North Carolina...
the fireworks... Oh, yeah, and the best one ever,
the Saint Christopher medal, with the moving lips.
Heckle and Jeckle over here.
Why don't you boys get jobs?
Cut the crap and get a job.
You wouldn't have to work this hard.
What do you think?
How do we turn the bonds into cash?
See, here's where it gets a little tricky.
Not only do we have to find somebody to fence the bonds,
but we have to find someone
who'll front us 10 grand for the courier.
Why we got to front him, Sal?
Because that's the only way he'll do it.
This guy told my cousin that once he gives us the bonds,
he feels that he's gonna be watched,
and he doesn't want to be anywhere near us after that.
Well, fencing the bonds ain't no big deal,
but fronting the 10 grand, that's something else.
I thought about that.
Gino the "Grocer."
Yeah, why not?
Gino the "Grocer"?
Have you lost your mind?
Then if something goes wrong,
they can bury the two of you side by side.
Have you forgotten that he kills people?
Let us worry about that, Valerie.
That's a good 10 grand, all real bills,
and of course I hold you both
personally responsible for my money.
No problem, Gino. No sweat, Gino.
By noon tomorrow the whole thing is a done deal.
The bonds'll be in your hands and you're good for a hundred,
hundred-fifty thou.
A hundred, hundred and fifty thou...
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
So youse think you're ready to move up now, huh?
Become associates of ours?
[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]
You guys sold my daughter
a Saint Christopher medal with the, uh-- What, uh...
Moving lips.
Right.
You got any more of those?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[♪♪♪]
What happened? What're you doing here?
My cousin didn't show. What do you mean, didn't show?
He wasn't there. After a while, I went up to his office.
They said he didn't come in today.
So I called his house, and I get no answer.
What are you talkin' about, Sal?
I think he took off with the 10 G's, Charlie.
Took off? What do you mean took off?
He took off. He took the 10 grand, and he beat it.
What do you mean he beat it?
What do you mean what do I mean?
What part don't you understand?
He took the 10 grand and he's gone. That's it.
Nothing?
Nothing.
They weren't there?
They weren't there.
Did they call?
They didn't call?
They weren't there?
What are these two guys, crazy?
They must be crazy.
Am I an asshole?
Yes, I am!
I am a big asshole!
A fool that any dummy can come along
and take me for 10 grand!
Am I right?
Find them. Bring them here!
I want them! I want to look in their eyes.
I want to grab them around their throats
and hear them call for their mothers,
while I squeeze the life out of their miserable bodies!
You know, I think if we sat down
and calmly told him the truth, he'd understand.
What are you talking about, he's a wild animal!
What did you forget what he did to Fat Betty the bookie?
They found pieces this big, Sal. This big!
Relax, will ya?
I knew this would happen. I knew it.
How could I let you talk me into trusting a relative of yours?
Oh, wait a minute. First of all,
I didn't talk you into anything,
and second, he's only a third cousin on my mother's side.
If he's anywhere on your family tree he's gotta be a moron.
All right. What do you want to do, huh? What? What?
I don't know, but I don't think
we should be going back to the neighborhood.
Oh, shit. What? What's going on?
It's Frankie the Beast!
That's them!
Who? Them!
Who?
[TIRES SCREECHING]
You think he saw us?
No, he saw a parking space he wants!
[♪♪♪]
You happy now? I knew this would happen!
Why don't we try to talk to them?
Sal, please, use your head!
We'll tell them the truth!
Take a good look back there, Sal!
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Watch out!
[TRUCK HORN BLARES]
Oh, shit, that was close. I should be driving.
Yeah, wait, Sal, I'll pull over here.
Be careful, will you?
Oh, they're determined, Charlie. Quick, make a right.
If I make a right here, I'll dead-end into 23rd Avenue!
No, no, 23rd goes through down here!
Sal, I've been living around here all my life,
23rd dead-ends over here! And I'm telling you
it goes through down here. It don't!
Now it's too late! Would you listen to me?
I know what I'm talking about! Make a left!
It's one way! I screwed up, okay?
I screwed up. [HORNS HONKING]
Don't hit my car. Please, God, don't hit my car!
These guys got a lotta balls.
If I get one scratch on this car...
Yeah!
Unbelievable!
[YELLS]
[YELLS]
[GROANS]
We lost them! Charlie, we lost them!
[BOTH LAUGH]
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
They are really determined, Charlie.
Here they come again!
Bear left when we come to the el down here.
Forget it.
I'm telling you bear left, we'll lose them!
And I'm telling you to forget about it.
I already listened to you once! Oh.
You should've listened.
To you? Please.
We'll lose them now.
[BOTH YELL]
[SIGHS]
You see? What did I tell you... You should've listened.
No, not you. You're very stubborn, Charlie.
No!
My car!
Oh, shit, he hit me bad.
Let's get outta here, Charlie...
He mashed it, I can tell, he hit me bad.
It's only a material thing. Let's get the hell out of here!
[♪♪♪]
I'll destroy these two.
Hit it, Charlie.
[POLICE SIREN BLARING]
There they are!
This is great. This is all we need now.
Frankie.
Frankie!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Did we lose 'em?
Yeah.
What do we do now?
[♪♪♪]
STEWARDESS [OVER P.A.]: Ladies and gentlemen,
we'll be landing at Los Angeles International Airport
in approximately seven minutes.
Anybody picking us up at the airport?
They're supposed to have a nice track out here, Santa Anita.
Yeah, I know, the one with the flamingos.
No, that's Miami. They got no flamingos here.
What's the difference? Flamingos, no flamingos,
you're betting on horses. Who cares about flamingos.
What's the matter with you?
Oh, nothing. Just there's probably a dozen button men
on the street who would love to put one in my ear.
You know, you always look on the dark side of things, Sally.
Yeah, right.
I also feel bad about Valerie.
Why?
I left without saying goodbye,
Charlie.
So things cool down, you call her up.
That's not the same thing.
Hm. You've been going out with that girl a long time.
Since as long as I can remember.
Don't get me wrong, I love Valerie like she was my sister,
but I think she's a bit of a whacko.
She's not a whacko, she's independent.
Whatever, I just know I couldn't go
with a girl like that for such a long time.
You can't go out with any girl for a long time.
You never went out with any girl
more than six weeks since I know you.
I've been unlucky.
I haven't met the right girl, okay.
And I get bored quick. I'd hate to be you.
Yeah, but I'll tell you, ain't nothing like first times.
The first couple of dates, you get all dressed up,
you take her to the right places, spend a few dollars,
and then you give it to her. Oh, I love first times.
I hate first times.
Are you kidding?
Sometimes I get so excited I got to think about
the Yankee batting order while we're doing it.
What?
Or otherwise I'm over in 30 seconds.
You think about the Yankee batting order?
Not the current one, that's too easy.
Like I say to myself, while I got her here...
Yankees... 1980...
Lead off, Bucky Dent.
Then Mickey, that little guy...
Rivers, Mickey Rivers...
Oh, baby. Yeah, baby.
Craig. Craig Nettles, Yeah, baby. Oh, yeah.
Oh, baby, you know what Daddy likes. Yes. Oh...
Thurman Munson. Yes, Thurman.
Oh! Oh, God!
Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.
And, uh-- And, uh-- Chris. Chris.
Chris-- Chris-- Chris Chambers.
[PANTING, WHOOPING]
Woody! Woody Randolph.
Like that. It works.
Charlie,
you have a very unique way of dealing with life.
[CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY]
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER P.A.]
Hi, how ya doin'? I gotta question to ask you.
You see the number on this ticket.
Is it in some kind of numerical order from passenger
to passenger or from suitcase to suitcase?
I'll tell you why I'm asking. You won't believe this.
The last time I was in L.A.,
I had four bags. Four. Anyway, the airline, they lost one.
So then they call me-- that is the airline--
calls me and says that the number on my ticket was not
in the correct sequential order. I'm from New York City.
I don't know about the correct sequential order.
All I wanna know is where's my bag. Can you blame me?
[♪♪♪]
RECORDING [OVER P.A.]: The white zone is for immediate
loading and unloading of passengers only.
No parking.
The white zone is for immediate
loading and unloading...
Yeah, like, uh...
that.
If you don't find my bag, you're gonna send me a check, right?
That's right, sir.
If your bag is not found in 10 days,
you will receive monetary compensation,
$1200 is maximum.
I don't know where I'm gonna be in 10 days, so I'll call you.
I'll hold onto this. Sign here.
Oh, this is so aggravating.
[♪♪♪]
[GASPS] Sally Boy!
Oh, God, what a surprise!
[LAUGHING]
Look at you!
You're so handsome!
And Charlie! Hiya, Ro.
Michael! Michael!
Look who's here! Your Uncle Sal from New York.
Oh, God, New York! I can smell New York on you.
Wait a minute, Sally. Who died?
Is everything all right? Forget about it. Nobody died.
Everything is fine. Oh, thank God.
Because I thought all of a sudden, what's he doing here?
Everything's fine. Oh, come here.
Hey, Sally Boy! Hey, Mikey Boy!
[LAUGHTER]
This guy! Looks like a duke in here.
Hey Charliutz, I can't believe it.
Hiya. Doesn't he look great, Michael?
Yeah, Ro, he looks great. Get the camera, quick.
Come in, Sal, bring your stuff.
Oh, it's so good to see you. I got a nice room for you.
Michael, go buy cakes. I'll make some coffee.
[GROANS]
SAL: We left New York... [FEET POUNDING]
Stop running!
SAL: So without any decent work prospects in sight
we thought maybe it was time to give the West Coast a shot.
Just a whim. Here, come on, have some pastry.
It's not like New York, but it's fresh.
All right, enough with that camera now.
You told me take it out.
Showing up here without a call, just like you.
Put that back!
Put it down, I'll kill ya!
So Charlie, you like to drive? Yeah, you know.
I know this maniac here can drive all day and night.
He used to work for me when I had the cabs in New York.
I know. Tomorrow you both start driving
for Michael, you'll make money, get your own place and before
you know it, you're on your own two feet.
Probably put a guy out of work, but hey, what the hell.
We're family, right?
Until then, you'll both stay with us,
and I don't want to hear anything different.
Okay? SAL: Ro...
No, if I can't do for my big brother,
then who can I do for?
Mm...
Look how handsome he is, look.
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
[ROSE EXCLAIMING] [SAL LAUGHING]
SAL: So good to see you.
ROSE: Tomorrow I'm making eggplant.
SAL: Oh, my favorite! Oh!
[BOTH KISSING]
I ain't gonna be no limousine driver.
I hate shit like that.
Well, what are we gonna do? We got to make some money.
I know how to make money.
I don't have to be some ass-kissing limousine driver.
Oh, yeah? Well, what are you gonna do? What?
What? Same thing I did in New York.
You did shit in New York!
I did plenty in New York.
Like what?
What? How about the airline ticket thing.
Who's deal was that? Richie's.
Bullshit, that was my deal, man!
How about the credit card thing at the casinos in Puerto Rico.
Joey Eggs gave you that 'cause you were banging his sister,
and he wanted to get you out of town.
I don't believe you, man. You're so full of shit.
Hey, Charlie, please.
You don't want to drive, then don't drive.
But then you're going to sit at my sister's table
and eat her food?
Somehow, I don't feel any pangs of guilt.
Shut the lights.
Yeah, soon as I figure this out.
Are you comfortable, Prince Sal, Your Royal Highness?
[BED RATTLING]
Ow!
[SIGHS]
They ain't around.
You checked around?
I checked around. They ain't around.
[IN ITALIAN] [IN ITALIAN]
What about the cousin?
[IN ENGLISH] Can't find him either.
[IN ITALIAN]
So they're gone, and I'm out 10 grand.
Did you check with the girlfriend, Valerie?
[IN ENGLISH] I checked with everybody.
[IN ITALIAN]
Hey, you want I should wait
until you're done with your accoutrements?
[IN ENGLISH] I'm hungry, Gino.
And I'm out 10 grand!
Forget about the sandwich! Aldo, get out from behind there.
What do you think, 'cause it's a lousy 10 grand
it's not important? No.
This is number one now!
We're gonna find these assholes.
Your friend Charlie is some piece of work.
What is he, too good to be a driver?
I started as a cabbie. Twenty hours a day I drove.
How does he think you get all this?
You got to bust your balls in this world.
We weren't born with no silver spoons up our ass.
You tell him that. Here, take this baby.
And Sal, take it easy. It ain't a cab.
[AD LIBS' "BOY FROM NEW YORK CITY" PLAYING]
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Cool, cool kitty ♪
♪ Tell us about the boy From New York City ♪
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Come on, kitty ♪
♪ Tell us about the boy From New York City ♪
♪ He's kind of tall He's really fine ♪
♪ Someday I hope to make him Mine, all mine ♪
♪ And he's neat And oh, so sweet ♪
Did you bring in the left-over pastry?
What left-over pastry? From last night.
Charlie ate the last piece this morning.
That guy eats like he's going to the chair.
The last thing you need, Michael,
is another piece of pastry.
Where did you send Sal?
I told Patty to keep him in the Valley.
Only a stroonz could get lost in the Valley.
You got a Caddy, we can do business.
Seville. Tape deck, leather interior in a maroon.
Maroon, I don't know. What about burgundy?
Burgundy? Yeah.
Eighty-four dollars a day.
Eighty-four dollars?
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Cool, cool kitty ♪
♪ Tell us about the boy From New York City ♪
♪ He's really down ♪
♪ And he's no clown ♪
♪ He has the finest penthouse I've ever seen in town ♪
♪ And he's cute ♪
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Come on, kitty ♪
♪ Tell us about the boy From New York City ♪
♪ He can dance ♪
♪ And make romance ♪
♪ That's when I fell in love With just one glance ♪
♪ He was shy ♪
♪ And so was I ♪
♪ And now I know We'll never ever say goodbye ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-wee ♪
♪ You ought to come and see ♪
♪ He's the most ♪
♪ From coast to coast ♪
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Cool, cool kitty ♪
♪ Tell us about the boy From New York City ♪
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Come on, kitty ♪
WOMAN: Hi.
Hi.
Have you ever done this before?
Uh, no.
I have. This is my eighth time.
Your eighth time?
You've done this trip seven times before
and now you're gonna do it again? Yeah.
This must be one hell of a bus ride.
Well, I always seem to meet somebody nice.
Oh, yeah?
What's your name?
Amelia.
Oh, like the flower.
[CHUCKLES] I didn't know there was a flower named Amelia.
Oh, yeah, in Italy.
It grows in the shade on the hillsides,
and in the evenings the bouquet fills
all the surrounding villages like an aria at La Scala.
Excuse me, ma'am, but didn't you say this place
was on "Sepiliveeda"?
Sepulveda!
Yeah, right, Sepulveda.
Ooh!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[LADY EXCLAIMS] [THUMPS]
Oh, shit.
CHARLIE: Uh, Lou! Lou, Lou, Lou!
Ooh! What else?
Um-- Um-- Um--
Mickey Rivers. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh--
Um-- And Willy, baby. Willy, baby. Willy Randal.
Willy! Willy!
Charlie?
CHARLIE: Sal? Is that you? Yeah, it's me.
Don't come in here now, Sal. Don't come in here.
What are ya talkin' about, don't come in here?
What're you, crazy?
I told you not to come in.
What if I was my sister? What's the matter with you?
And who is this? I'm Amelia.
Well, come on, get dressed, the both of youse,
before somebody comes home.
If you want me to get dressed,
somebody's gonna have to untie me.
Look at yourself. One day in California.
My silk tie?
My $25 silk tie?
Come on, Charlie. There was nothing else.
Nothing else? Uh, excuse me.
Could I use the bathroom?
Yeah, go ahead, it's right down the hall.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
This is a nice girl. It was her idea.
Really?
So how was your day today, Salvatore?
Don't ask. Look at this.
Seriously Sal, come on, what are we gonna do?
I haven't mentioned this before,
but there's somebody out here we know.
Who? Marty the Greek.
Marty the Greek?
Yeah, you know him. I did a few things with him.
He's the guy that pulled the job at the wholesale candy place.
Oh, that guy.
Well, let's call him up, what the hell.
Whoa. Take it easy, Charlie.
He uses guns and stuff, remember? Not like what we do.
Sal, I got less than $60 in my pocket.
Let's see what he's up to.
Uh, how am I gonna get home?
Charlie, the king of kink over here will drive you home.
[♪♪♪]
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF, CLICKS AND SPUTTERS]
Looks like he's doing well.
Hey, don't start, all right?
I haven't seen this guy since he moved out here.
Must've hit it big.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
[PANTING] [MARTY LAUGHS]
Sally! Come on in.
Killer climb, ain't it?
Charlie.
Yeah, I remember. Hiya, Charlie.
How ya doin'?
I was making a protein drink. You fellas want some?
It's green, Marty.
Spirulina.
The fountain of youth.
Yeah, well, to tell you the truth, you look, uh...
good.
Tabernacle.
My body is my tabernacle.
Got a nice place here.
Yeah, nice place here, Marty.
You're sure you don't want any of this?
Yeah, I'm sure. Charlie?
No, thanks.
So how long you been in L.A.?
SAL: We got in yesterday.
You got something lined up out here, or what?
Yeah. We're checking out a few things.
Yeah? Heh.
What are you checking out?
A few things.
Heh. What's the matter there's nothing going on in New York?
We just had something going on,
but it didn't go according to plan.
You know how it is. Same old shit.
Harmony.
What?
In New York, it's all chaos,
that's why you can't get anything done.
But here, all things are in harmony.
Oh, boy.
You know, I might have something for you guys.
Like? Heh. Nothing major,
just something to put a few dollars in your pockets.
Heh. Like?
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Same old Sal.
Can you wait till tomorrow?
Let me check out a few things, huh?
Why don't you relax and have some trail mix.
So, uh, you hear from anybody in New York anymore?
What for?
I got a whole new life out here. Huh?
Come on, let's go sit out on the deck.
We'll relax in the sun and talk, huh? Come on.
Is there any shade out there, Marty?
I get headaches from this frigging sun,
all day long, you know.
So?
We break into some guy's office, and we take this envelope.
We don't do that shit.
Hey, I told you, remember?
That's the kind of stuff this guy is into.
You said you were hungry.
How much?
A grand each.
A lousy grand.
Wait, I'll call Michael.
I'm sure he's got a uniform that'll fit you.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to work.
What are you gonna do, eat them all?
Come on, Sal. One more.
There are other people here.
Hey, do you know how to do this?
Do what? Break in and everything?
SAL: What's to know?
[♪♪♪]
[ENGINE BACKFIRES]
That's the building.
What, are we going in the front door? No.
We go down the alley, up the fire escape,
to the second floor, we go right through the window.
Up the fire escape? Hey, Sal, come on.
Would you just please stop and come on.
I got to get on your shoulders.
Why don't I get on your shoulders?
Because you're taller than I am.
What, by an inch? Hey, every little bit helps.
Even so, Sal, if you're on my shoulders
or if I'm on your shoulders it's still the same thing.
No, it's not the same thing
because I will not be able to hold you up there.
Now come on, Charlie.
All right, take your shoes off.
What do I got to do that for?
'Cause you'll ruin my jacket
and I don't have any clothes out here.
Come on, Charlie, I'm not gonna stand around
in a dirty alley with just my socks on.
Bend down.
All right, all right.
Give me your handkerchief.
Give me your handkerchief.
[SIGHS]
Make sure you keep your feet on the handkerchiefs.
Just don't come up so fast, all right?
I don't want to break my ass here.
No, it's not gonna work. Not gonna work.
[WHISPERS] Shh! Shut up, will ya? Shut up. Come on.
We gotta get some leverage here.
Huh? Bend over.
Put this leg forward.
Okay.
Oh. You're standing on my pants! Shut up!
My pants! My good pants! Will you shut up?
[GROANS]
Slow now. Slow.
Higher.
Higher a little higher. There ain't no higher.
Stand on your toes.
[GRUNTS]
Whoa, whoa!
[WHISPERING] You happy now?
I ripped my pants. Look at my jacket.
My apologies.
Yeah, yeah.
[GRUNTS]
Come on.
What's the matter?
It's locked.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's that? A file.
Yeah, I know, but what are we gonna do with it?
Guys that do this have tools.
Maybe they file the lock.
See.
It's dark in here.
I'll turn a light on for you.
So, what are we looking for? A map.
A map?
[CHUCKLES] You looked pretty funny dangling out there, Sally.
[GROANS] Wha-- What?
CHARLIE: Who's that?
Shit. Hey, Sal, I'm outta here.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I knew we shouldn't trust this Marty.
This is serious. Come on. We gotta leave here Sal.
Wait, let's first get the thing.
What thing? This could be some kind of set-up.
There could be a hundred cops on their way here.
Come on, let's get the thing.
There may not be a thing!
Well, let's see. We're here.
All right, all right, but hurry up, will ya.
[WHISPERS] Come on!
I got it.
Good.
[SPUTTERING CAR APPROACHING]
All right, Marty, what the hell's going on?
You didn't say anything
about anybody being dead! Dead?
Hey, don't play stupid with us, all right.
Don't insult us.
I don't know what you're talking about, all right.
There was a guy in the office, dead,
sitting in a chair, dead.
What did he look like?
[SCOFFS] He was kinda pale.
Come on. Well, I don't know, he was fat.
Real thick glasses? Yeah.
He was dead? You sure?
Yeah. He was dead.
Well, I don't get it, what's the joke?
Did you get the envelope? Hey, we're pros.
We go out to get something, we get it.
Let me see it.
Hey, wait a second, Marty. Who was this guy?
A piece of shit. Nothing to worry about.
Forget about him. Oh, come on, Marty.
Don't worry about it, I'm telling you.
I'm worried! I was this close to the guy.
We may have left prints up there.
I don't want to be talking to any homicide guys!
He was my partner.
What? His partner gets whacked
and he laughs, I love this guy.
He was a greedy bastard. He was trying to cut me out!
Who whacked him? I don't know.
Maybe the same guys who wanted the envelope.
Well, must be some valuable envelope,
if a guy gets whacked for it. Hey, guys get whacked
for looking cross eyed at a guy. I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll double what I'm giving you because of all this shit.
[LAUGHS]
Happy?
You guys did a great job.
Call me tomorrow.
Hey, where are you going? Whoa, whoa!
Where's our money?
Protocol. Protocol your ass!
Don't give us any of your bullshit!
We're talking money now! Hey, hey.
Every deal has its stages. Take it easy.
Stage one, you get me the envelope.
Stage two, I give the envelope to the right people,
and they give me the money.
Stage three, I give you your cut.
And stage four, if you don't give us our money tomorrow,
we gonna pull your lungs out.
Come on, what's the matter with you?
You think I'd do that?
Somebody I've known from New York all these years?
Marty.
Remember what I said.
[♪♪♪]
Call me tomorrow.
Not too early.
Do you believe the balls on this guy not to have our money?
We were right not to trust this phony, Charlie,
and I think he's a fag too.
This horse's ass with his protein drinks and trail mix.
He was a scumbag back in New York,
that's probably why he moved out here.
We got this.
Sally...
A little insurance.
I slipped it out of the envelope.
What do you think is on it? I don't know,
but a guy got whacked for these.
Whatever is on it, they got to want it bad.
That was very smart, Sal. Huh?
Very smart. Uh-huh. Always thinkin'.
Very smart. Always thinkin'.
Uh-huh? Uh-huh?
[CHUCKLES]
VALERIE: What a picture.
Valerie...
What are you doing here?
Look at the two of you.
Charlie, you look like you've been rolling in the gutter.
How'd you know we were here?
Where else would you be, Sal?
You didn't tell nobody?
Oh, yeah, what do you take me for, a whacko, Charlie?
What about you, you got nothing to say to me?
You leave without saying nothing?
You don't call.
I-I was going to call, believe me, Val,
I was gonna call as soon as things cooled down a little.
You boys really out-did yourselves this time.
Don't you know you can never go home
until you straighten this out with Gino?
We're gonna straighten it out, Valerie.
We're gonna straighten it out. We're just working on that.
Right? Right.
How you gonna straighten it out, Sal?
Another one of your stupid scams?
Gee, Val, I was just gonna say how much I missed you.
Look, I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night.
So Val...
When did you get in?
Few hours ago.
You look good.
I heard you got a job. Yeah.
I hate it.
[SCOFFS] Figures.
That's not what I mean.
It's the kind of work-- it's just not me.
What is you, Sal?
Is it being chased around by Gino and that bunch?
You like that? Make you feel like a big man?
No, I hate that too.
And I'll be honest with you, Val, after that, this is it.
We get outta this one, no more deals.
Yeah, sure. No, no, I mean it this time.
I really do, I mean it.
All right, then what do you want to do?
Well, that's a problem.
I don't know.
Why don't you go to beauty school
and come to work with me at the salon?
Yeah, right, then I'll call myself Mr. Sal.
Come on, will ya?
[SIGHS]
Well, you better make up your mind soon, Sal, 'cause, uh...
I'm not gonna wait around forever.
Come on, Val. No.
I'm serious.
[SCOFFS] I'm not getting any younger, you know,
and neither are you, for that matter.
What are you talking about, you look great.
I'm not talking about how I look.
I'm talking about I wanna settle down.
I want a family. I want kids. Kids?
Oh, I don't know, Val. What is to know?
I mean, how can I do that? [SHUSHES]
How can I do that?
What do I got? I can't take care of myself,
how am I gonna raise a family?
You got a good brain.
When are you gonna wake up and use it?
You know, you are gonna lose me, Sal,
and I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.
Is that why you came all the way out here to tell me all of this?
No.
I came out--
I came out because I love you.
Really.
Yeah?
That's the only reason.
[♪♪♪]
You tired?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
No, I'm not that tired.
Wanna go inside?
Huh? What about Charlie?
We'll open the couch in the den.
Okay.
Val, did you skim the runny stuff
off the top of the eggs with the fork?
Yeah, Charlie.
And you made the yellow soft so I can dip with the toast?
Hey, you want to eat these eggs,
Charlie, or you want to wear 'em? Huh?
All right, all right.
Okay. Enjoy.
Here.
Good?
[DOOR SLAMS IN DISTANCE]
Charlie.
Charlie. I gotta talk to you minute.
When I'm done. Now, Charlie.
My eggs will get cold. Forget the eggs, we got to talk.
Excuse us, Val, we'll be only a minute.
[SHUSHES]
When you read the newspapers what do you read?
What? What do you read?
The results.
That's right, the horses. Now what do I read?
Sal. What do I read?
What do I know what you read?
The front page. News! That's what I read.
Is this what you brought me in here for?
If those eggs get cold, she's not gonna make me anymore.
Look at this--
headline story, four congressmen,
two state senators, a lot of big business guys,
all under investigation by the D.A.
for selling government contracts.
So that stuff goes on all the time.
They wanna indict these guys, Charlie,
but they can't. Insufficient evidence.
Of course, these guys are worse than mob guys.
Look at these pictures.
Last night, while you were sleeping.
I was in here looking at home movies.
I thought you were playing hide the salami.
Those guys...
are on this tape.
That tape? These guys?
What were they doing?
"Film at 11."
Is that the senator from the paper or what?
Huh? Yeah.
And?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
And what are they doing?
They're taking money.
They're taking money!
They're taking money, Charlie. And we got them on tape!
Do you have any idea how much these tapes are worth?
What are we gonna do, Sally? What are we gonna do?
We got these guys by the cajones, Charlie.
And that Marty, he was going to give us a lousy four grand.
Know how much he must be getting for a bag full of these?
This is the big one, Charlie.
Do you know the league we're in here?
Senators, Congressmen...
We're talking very serious money.
We're gonna ask for one million dollars.
One million.
One million dollars.
Let's call that worm, Marty. No, no.
We don't call him. We don't call nobody.
We just go over there.
We use the element of surprise.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[♪♪♪]
Here we go again with these stairs.
I don't know how much of a surprise this is gonna be, Sal,
it takes us a half an hour to get up there.
You get a thrombosis just goin' to see this guy.
Uh-oh.
[THUMPING]
Is he dead?
Yeah. But not from the fall.
Somebody put a bullet in his tabernacle.
[♪♪♪]
What do we do now?
I don't know, I gotta think. Slow down, will you?
The stiffs are piling up, Sal.
With Marty gone, who do we do business with?
We'll find our own contacts.
Now you please slow down, Charlie, nobody's--
[CAR HORN BLARING] Will you watch it!
Slow down, please. Nobody's chasing us!
We need distance, Sal. We need distance.
We got distance, Charlie.
Now, will you slow down, and let's find a phone booth.
Yes. I'd like to speak to Mr. Palmer, please.
Oh, he wouldn't know my name.
Just tell him I'm a friend of Senator Whitman
with whom he should speak.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm trying to get out from this sun,
but it don't stop.
Yes, Mr. Palmer.
Well, my name isn't important.
What is important is a little home movie
I have in my possession that I think you and your client,
Senator Whitman, would be very interested in.
Uh-huh.
Yes. Yes, sir.
Don't pull my chain, Mr. Palmer.
Why don't we meet in your office?
So let's say 9:00 tonight?
That's great. Thank you. Looking forward to it.
You didn't mention the money. You didn't ask about money.
That's because we're not making the exchange tonight.
Why not? Because if we make
the exchange tonight, they'll whack the both of us.
So, what do we do? We're gonna handle this
like the professionals that we are.
[♪♪♪]
It's time.
[BEEPS]
Sal. Are you sure that thing's gonna work?
Yeah, trust me on this, will you?
Me and Beansy used it when we were scalping tickets.
It works beautiful. Go ahead, try it.
Put your hand in your pocket and press the button.
[CLICKING AND BEEPING]
That's good.
I hear this go off while you're up there,
I'm on that phone.
You know, I don't understand why I gotta go in.
Because if we both go in then they got us.
They'll make us tell them where the tape is.
But if you only go in,
then I become your ace in the hole.
Anything goes wrong, you signal me.
I'll call the cops, they can kiss their videotape goodbye.
Yeah, but why me, Sal? Why am I going in?
Because now you got the thing on.
What do you want to do?
You want to take the time to switch now?
We don't have the time.
Why didn't you say something before?
Because I didn't think about it before.
Well, if you want me to go in, Charlie, I'll go in.
It doesn't make any difference to me.
No. I was just wondering.
I really didn't think about it, Charlie.
It just worked out that way.
Are you sure you don't want me to go up?
I said I'll go in, I'll go in.
Makes sense.
No reason to put us both in jeopardy.
You remember what to tell them, right?
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
Charlie.
Charlie, if you walk like that,
they're gonna know you're wearing something.
Hey, you try walkin' with this friggin' thing on.
Just try walkin' normal, will you?
Looking for Palmer.
My name's Jacubick.
From now on, you deal with me.
[WHISTLING]
[BEEPS]
The tape shows Senator Whitman
and Senator Kopeck in a situation
that the D.A. would definitely find very interesting.
And how do I know that you actually have this video tape?
Check the date on the newspaper,
you'll see that picture was taken today.
What are the terms?
We want one--
One million dollars.
Small bills, no consecutive numbers.
[DEVICE BEEPING]
What's that sound?
What?
That sound.
What sound?
Hey, take it easy guys.
[SPITS] Come on!
[BEEPS ON]
Ooh!
You little turd.
You have the audacity to come in here with a recorder?
Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?
Sir. This isn't a recorder.
What is it?
Looks like a garage door opener.
That's what it is.
And you keep it taped to your leg, inside your pants?
I would imagine that would make
opening the garage rather difficult.
Yeah.
What is it?
What I said.
Do you want to leave here alive?
If anything happens to me,
that tape goes right to the D.A.
How do you want to make this trade?
What happened to you?
Just drive, get me outta here.
What happened? Look at your pants.
Don't ask me any more questions, okay?
Could we just go, please? Well, if you were in trouble,
why didn't you push the button?
[ENGINE STARTS]
Push the button?
Yeah, like we said.
I don't want to talk about this.
I almost got killed up there, Sal, all right?
Could we just drive?
[TIRES SCREECHING; BACKFIRES] SAL: What are you talkin' about?
CHARLIE: Ace in the hole, huh?
You were my ace in the hole? You should've been a mailman.
There were other careers on that list.
Yeah, like what? Electronics expert?
Hey, look, are they gonna be at the restaurant tomorrow night?
They'll be there. With the money?
With the money.
[PIANO PLAYING LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC WITHIN]
Charlie, go ahead, I'll meet you around back.
We're pros, remember?
Right, pros.
I'm a pro.
[SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING]
[PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING]
[♪♪♪]
[SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING]
[CROWD GASPING]
Oh, shit.
Sal!
Where are you, Sally? Where are you?
Sal!
Run, Charlie!
Run, Ch--!
[SILENCED GUNSHOTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
I'll give you each $100, if you get me outta here!
Well, jump in, homes.
I wouldn't know where to tell you to look
if I was gonna tell you anything,
and I ain't telling you shit.
You know if we don't find him before he disappears,
I'm gonna have to kill you.
He ain't disappearing.
What do you think he will do? He's gonna call.
You really believe that? Yeah, I believe that.
He wouldn't leave me here alone.
He's out there with one million dollars cash.
That don't matter.
We're like brothers, Charlie and me.
A million dollars cuts a lot of family ties.
He's probably bookin' himself on the next available flight.
You wouldn't understand.
If you were in his place,
would you call?
Yeah, I'd call.
I'll make you a little wager.
The switchboard opens at 9:00.
We'll give him to 9:15.
If he doesn't call,
you lose.
I want a ticket on the next plane out of the country.
Well, uh...
Our Carnival Special leaves at 9:30 for Rio de Janeiro.
But on that-- CHARLIE: No!
No sun!
Sir?
No more sun!
What else you got?
Well, our next international flight
leaves for Rome at 4:30 p.m. this evening.
Four-thirty?
Forget it. Give me the other one.
How will you be paying for that, sir?
Cash.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
[♪♪♪]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[RINGING]
Yes?
Let me speak to Sal.
I have to say I am very surprised.
I guess I over-estimated you.
Just put Sal on the phone, all right?
Hey, Charliutz. Heh.
Hey, man. I knew you'd call. I knew it.
Yeah, I'm callin', Sal.
I told this guy here, but he don't know, this guy.
He don't understand us. Heh.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
I'm fine. No problem, no problem.
All right, uh...
Put that scumbag back on the phone, will you?
Yeah, yeah. Uh...
Hey, Charlie.
What?
Charlie, uh...
Well, you know, uh...
What?
Well, you know what I mean-- I mean...
You know, all those years
we, we were together
and everything we went through...
What are you trying to say, Sal?
I-I love you, Charlie.
Now that makes me feel like I gotta say that too.
I mean, if you say it, it's only right that I say it.
Oh, no, no, man. You don't have to say it.
You don't have to say it.
Would you mind if I didn't?
I just don't feel up to it right now.
Yeah, yeah, I understand.
Here, I'll put this guy back on.
That was very touching.
You're lucky he's all right, and he better stay that way.
Very intimidating. Okay.
Now, here's what you do...
No! I ain't gonna do shit.
See, you're gonna listen to me,
because I'm givin' the orders now.
If you don't do exactly what I say,
or if anything happens to Sal,
I go right to the newspapers and TV
and I blow this whole thing wide open.
And if you don't believe me, you try me,
you white milk skinhead.
Okay, okay.
What did you have in mind?
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Fine.
But I must insist that you come alone,
for Sal's sake.
And remember to bring the tape...
and the money.
Where's Sal? What?
Where's Sal? I'm gonna go pick him up.
What do you mean you're gonna go pick him up? Where is he?
We'll be back in a little while. What did youse do?
You come in this house, I want to know what's going on here!
I'm not a kid here. Get in this house!
Did you get my Sally Boy in trouble?
No! Nobody's in trouble.
I don't know what you're talking about!
That hurt, Ro.
Look who came to see you,
all the way from the neighborhood.
[♪♪♪]
Hi, Gino.
Charlie.
Have a seat.
If you got Sally Boy in trouble, I'll kill you.
Go. Ow!
What's the matter, you don't like New York no more?
No...
You know, it's just one of them things.
One of them things, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
You like it out here?
Yeah, it's all right.
Tell you the truth,
this freakin' sun gives me headaches.
Oh. Well, Frankie and me were in Vegas,
and we're having a good time,
when we hear you boys are out here too.
So we said, "Hey, we're so close,
let's go say hello to our dear friends Charlie and Sal."
Gino, we're working on a new deal,
very serious money.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Sal is with the people right now.
I'm to go meet 'em, and when it's done,
you're gonna have your money.
And Gino...
we're ready to double your end.
How about that, huh? Double? Me.
[GINO LAUGHS]
You know, right now I should stab you in the eyes
and hang you from a freakin' palm tree.
I just need a few more hours, that's all I need.
A few more hours, and I'll have your money.
What could it hurt?
Tell me something, Charlie.
If Frankie and me didn't show up here today,
and you made your big deal,
would you have come back to New York
and paid me my money?
Absolutely.
We got a plane out of here at 10:00 tonight.
I give you that much time.
So either I leave here with my money,
or I leave you here dead.
Okay?
Okay.
Now, go do your deal.
Oh, and Charlie.
I'd like Frankie here to keep you company.
Oh, come on, Gino. I gotta move around.
Hey...
It's not that I don't trust you,
but after all,
this is the business we're in.
Val...
could I talk to you for a minute? Inside.
Yeah. Yeah.
Bedroom.
Frankie, I'd like to talk to Val alone,
if you don't mind, just for a minute.
I'll be right out here.
So, what's with Sal? Is he all right?
I'm not gonna shit you. Right now, he's okay,
but we're in a little bit of trouble.
Oh, youse two!
Please, Val, I need your help.
To do what, Charlie?
I think I got a way out of this.
But first got to get rid of this chooch.
Oh, God, Charlie.
Not for nothing, but have you guys got a taste for a slice?
I don't know, but I got this yen for a slice.
Extra cheese, maybe with a little pepperoni.
I haven't had a decent slice since we've been here.
You guys know a good place, no problem, I'm buying.
I don't hold no grudges. Life is short, you know what I mean?
Shit like that just eats away at you.
You guys got a job to do and that's that.
You know, I hate the hump in the middle.
You think we could switch around?
No, huh? Well, what the hell?
Hey, you ever been to New York?
I tell you what. I got these great St. Christopher medals.
You're not gonna believe this.
But the lips, they actually move.
It's like a miracle. You look at him,
he talks to you, you talk to him.
You ask him for a favor.
If you're good, you get it, if not, who knows what.
You guys want some nice silk ties? By the gross.
[♪♪♪]
How much longer?
Not too long.
These people are gonna be there?
Yeah.
Here we are.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[CAR RUMBLES, BACKFIRES]
MAN: Whoa!
Nice wheels, man.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
[POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[PINBALL MACHINE RINGING]
This is the place? Yeah.
♪ Turn on my favorite toy ♪
Now, where're you going?
To the bathroom. You want to come?
Leave the car keys and the briefcase.
Here's the keys, but this goes where I go.
MAN 1: Bobby's outside, you know.
MAN 2: So? MAN 1: So...
MAN 2: Who's he with?
MAN 1: I think he's with Chaz.
MAN 2: Ugh! He can have him.
MAN 1: Heh, I'd take him. MAN 2: I know you would.
MAN 2: How's Bobby look? MAN 1: Delicious, as usual.
MAN 2: Well, I'm not going over to him.
MAN 1: You should. He still likes you.
Hey, guys. I'm in a jam over here.
Maybe you could help me out.
I need a ride. What do you say?
I mean, I could give you a few dollars.
It's my ex-lover.
He's sitting out at the bar. He's a crazy man.
He's trying to get me to go home with him,
but I know if I do, he'll beat the hell outta me.
What a shit.
The last time, he almost killed me.
Let me take a look at this jerk.
[POP MUSIC CONTINUES]
How much?
How about a hundred?
You got it, sweetheart.
[♪♪♪]
Hey!
[YELLS]
[GRUNTING]
FISHERMAN 1: Having any luck?
FISHERMAN 2: No, nothing yet. You?
FISHERMAN 1: Little ones.
[REEL WHIRRING]
Where's Sal?
Did you bring everything? Yeah.
Let's see the tape.
After I see Sal.
Okay?
First he walks out of here. You've seen him.
He walks or no deal.
CHARLIE: Go ahead, Sal.
Go!
I've dealt with guys like you before.
You're an amateur, a two-bit hustler.
You risked your life.
You threw away a million dollars.
I think you're too stupid to realize what you've done.
You had the chance of a lifetime.
And you blew it.
You're small change.
Okay, let's have it.
I ain't got it.
What?
I ain't got the tape.
And you know something else?
I ain't got the money either.
It's empty.
You dumb fuck.
Get him!
Stay where you are! FBI.
Hold it! FBI! Move it, move it.
[GROANS]
[POLICE SIREN WAILING]
Police!
Charlie!
Charlie!
[YELLS]
AGENT: Hold it.
Bring it down.
Bring it down.
Charlie.
Charlie. Charlie, you all right? Oh, yeah!
You? [GRUNTS]
What the hell happened?
I had Valerie
call the feds.
She showed 'em the tape.
She told the whole deal.
What happens to us?
Nothing! I had her give 'em the money too.
We'll probably get a friggin medal.
You gave them the money?
But only two hundred and fifty thou.
Well, what about the rest?
Oh, uh, unfortunately, Gino showed up this morning.
Gino? Holy shit. I had to pay him off, Sal.
I had to pay him double. Double, Charlie?
Another two hundred and fifty thou.
Oh.
So where's the rest?
[LAUGHING] Charlie, you got it?
You got it, Charlie!
[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER]
Come here, Sal!
You got it!
[LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
[ALL WHOOPING]
[UPBEAT TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]
Hold it! Hold it! I've got a toast!
[CHEERING]
Here we go, madame and monsieur.
To Valerie and Sal.
What can I say,
better late than never...
You said it. You said it.
But also...
I wish you happiness.
And children.
And may the sparkle I see in both your eyes today
last forever.
Ah, salute!
Sal!
I can say it now.
I love you, Sal.
[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[♪♪♪]
[CASH REGISTER WHIRRING INTERMITTENTLY]
[CASH REGISTER RINGS]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Hiya, Charlie.
Hiya, doll.
Hey, Connie, when you get a minute.
Yeah, when I get a minute.
Guess where we was today.
Where?
Well, I finally got Sal to take that aptitude test
that I've been after him to take.
The one that tells you what careers you're best suited for.
He did very well.
So, what are you best suited for, Sal?
Let's order. Huh?
I mean, what were the results?
What did you have, Charlie?
I had tuna on toast.
What are you best suited for?
Tell him. Valerie.
They said, you know, 'cause he's so thorough,
you know the way he is...
That he would be good for a civil service job,
like a postal worker.
Wait a minute, Valerie. What?
Postal worker was only one of the careers on the list...
Yeah, yeah, honey, it was only one of the careers.
A mailman, Sal?
There were other careers on the list.
Yeah. Like what? Dog catcher?
Hey, hey, Charlie. I'm very proud of him.
I'm sorry.
What are the specials today?
Same as yesterday, they're up on the wall.
You know, not for nothing, Connie,
but every place else they change their specials every day.
This place always has the same specials.
If you have the same special every day,
it's not special, it's regular.
What're you gonna have? I just want coffee.
You should have something. No, I don't want anything, babe.
We didn't have lunch, you should eat a little something.
I don't want nothin'.
If I wanted something, I would order it.
All right, but you should have a little something.
Hm.
Okay.
I want a hamburger, very well done, side of slaw,
some pickles and a large glass of milk.
The lady will have a coffee. Decaf please, Connie.
What?
You know, you always do that.
Do what?
You pore over the menu for 10 minutes,
you ask what the specials are,
and you always order a hamburger and a glass of milk.
Yeah, so?
Why don't you order the burger as soon as you sit down?
You'll make everybody's life a lot simpler.
Excuse me, but exactly who's life am I complicating?
Everybody's, Sal,
'cause you do that kind of stuff with everything.
Am I right? I'm not getting involved.
Pardon me, Saint Charles, but the next time
you're three months overdue on your car payment,
call somebody else, because I don't want
to complicate your life anymore.
Now, you want to hear what my cousin had to say
or do you want to go on with this bullshit?
All right, already.
You know what bearer bonds are?
They're bonds.
That's, that's good so far.
But it's more than that, they're cashable bonds.
The bearer, that means the guy that's got 'em,
can turn 'em in for cash almost anywhere in the world.
Now my cousin tells me,
that they have these couriers running between brokerage houses
carryin' sacks of these things,
usually a couple of hundred grand worth.
A couple of hundred thousand. Are you serious? Yeah.
And we could wind up with 40, 50 cents on a dollar.
There's this guy that works at the same brokerage house
my cousin works at, and they've become sort of friends.
They went out with some girls,
had a few drinks, things like that.
Anyway, they start talkin'.
And my cousin tells me, that for a price,
this guy is willing to fake a heist.
He'll tell us when he expects to be carryin' a lot of bonds,
he'll meet us somewhere, he'll turn the bonds over to us,
and we tie him up, give him a little shot over the head
to convince everybody, and like that.
It's perfect.
I don't believe youse two.
Don't start, Valerie. Oh, me don't start?
We're talkin' business here.
[SCOFFS] Give me a break. You call this business?
This ain't business. I got a beauty parlor.
That's a business. Oh, boy.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
Don't apologize for me please.
We're talking here, all right!
What about? Your big deals? Yeah, that's right.
What about what we talked about today?
Didn't the test mean nothing to you?
Valerie, you wanted me to take the test. I took the test.
In the meanwhile, I got to make a living, don't I?
Doing what?
More of your bright ideas?
Like the shipment of panty hose from South Korea,
one-size fits-all,
only they don't fit nobody taller than four-foot-six.
Or like the truckload of frozen fish
that you was gonna sell to all the restaurants,
remember that bargain?
You kept it in the garage for three weeks
till it stunk to high heaven.
You still got clothes I can smell the fish on.
Let's see...the cigarettes from North Carolina...
the fireworks... Oh, yeah, and the best one ever,
the Saint Christopher medal, with the moving lips.
Heckle and Jeckle over here.
Why don't you boys get jobs?
Cut the crap and get a job.
You wouldn't have to work this hard.
What do you think?
How do we turn the bonds into cash?
See, here's where it gets a little tricky.
Not only do we have to find somebody to fence the bonds,
but we have to find someone
who'll front us 10 grand for the courier.
Why we got to front him, Sal?
Because that's the only way he'll do it.
This guy told my cousin that once he gives us the bonds,
he feels that he's gonna be watched,
and he doesn't want to be anywhere near us after that.
Well, fencing the bonds ain't no big deal,
but fronting the 10 grand, that's something else.
I thought about that.
Gino the "Grocer."
Yeah, why not?
Gino the "Grocer"?
Have you lost your mind?
Then if something goes wrong,
they can bury the two of you side by side.
Have you forgotten that he kills people?
Let us worry about that, Valerie.
That's a good 10 grand, all real bills,
and of course I hold you both
personally responsible for my money.
No problem, Gino. No sweat, Gino.
By noon tomorrow the whole thing is a done deal.
The bonds'll be in your hands and you're good for a hundred,
hundred-fifty thou.
A hundred, hundred and fifty thou...
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
So youse think you're ready to move up now, huh?
Become associates of ours?
[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]
You guys sold my daughter
a Saint Christopher medal with the, uh-- What, uh...
Moving lips.
Right.
You got any more of those?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[♪♪♪]
What happened? What're you doing here?
My cousin didn't show. What do you mean, didn't show?
He wasn't there. After a while, I went up to his office.
They said he didn't come in today.
So I called his house, and I get no answer.
What are you talkin' about, Sal?
I think he took off with the 10 G's, Charlie.
Took off? What do you mean took off?
He took off. He took the 10 grand, and he beat it.
What do you mean he beat it?
What do you mean what do I mean?
What part don't you understand?
He took the 10 grand and he's gone. That's it.
Nothing?
Nothing.
They weren't there?
They weren't there.
Did they call?
They didn't call?
They weren't there?
What are these two guys, crazy?
They must be crazy.
Am I an asshole?
Yes, I am!
I am a big asshole!
A fool that any dummy can come along
and take me for 10 grand!
Am I right?
Find them. Bring them here!
I want them! I want to look in their eyes.
I want to grab them around their throats
and hear them call for their mothers,
while I squeeze the life out of their miserable bodies!
You know, I think if we sat down
and calmly told him the truth, he'd understand.
What are you talking about, he's a wild animal!
What did you forget what he did to Fat Betty the bookie?
They found pieces this big, Sal. This big!
Relax, will ya?
I knew this would happen. I knew it.
How could I let you talk me into trusting a relative of yours?
Oh, wait a minute. First of all,
I didn't talk you into anything,
and second, he's only a third cousin on my mother's side.
If he's anywhere on your family tree he's gotta be a moron.
All right. What do you want to do, huh? What? What?
I don't know, but I don't think
we should be going back to the neighborhood.
Oh, shit. What? What's going on?
It's Frankie the Beast!
That's them!
Who? Them!
Who?
[TIRES SCREECHING]
You think he saw us?
No, he saw a parking space he wants!
[♪♪♪]
You happy now? I knew this would happen!
Why don't we try to talk to them?
Sal, please, use your head!
We'll tell them the truth!
Take a good look back there, Sal!
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Watch out!
[TRUCK HORN BLARES]
Oh, shit, that was close. I should be driving.
Yeah, wait, Sal, I'll pull over here.
Be careful, will you?
Oh, they're determined, Charlie. Quick, make a right.
If I make a right here, I'll dead-end into 23rd Avenue!
No, no, 23rd goes through down here!
Sal, I've been living around here all my life,
23rd dead-ends over here! And I'm telling you
it goes through down here. It don't!
Now it's too late! Would you listen to me?
I know what I'm talking about! Make a left!
It's one way! I screwed up, okay?
I screwed up. [HORNS HONKING]
Don't hit my car. Please, God, don't hit my car!
These guys got a lotta balls.
If I get one scratch on this car...
Yeah!
Unbelievable!
[YELLS]
[YELLS]
[GROANS]
We lost them! Charlie, we lost them!
[BOTH LAUGH]
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
They are really determined, Charlie.
Here they come again!
Bear left when we come to the el down here.
Forget it.
I'm telling you bear left, we'll lose them!
And I'm telling you to forget about it.
I already listened to you once! Oh.
You should've listened.
To you? Please.
We'll lose them now.
[BOTH YELL]
[SIGHS]
You see? What did I tell you... You should've listened.
No, not you. You're very stubborn, Charlie.
No!
My car!
Oh, shit, he hit me bad.
Let's get outta here, Charlie...
He mashed it, I can tell, he hit me bad.
It's only a material thing. Let's get the hell out of here!
[♪♪♪]
I'll destroy these two.
Hit it, Charlie.
[POLICE SIREN BLARING]
There they are!
This is great. This is all we need now.
Frankie.
Frankie!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Did we lose 'em?
Yeah.
What do we do now?
[♪♪♪]
STEWARDESS [OVER P.A.]: Ladies and gentlemen,
we'll be landing at Los Angeles International Airport
in approximately seven minutes.
Anybody picking us up at the airport?
They're supposed to have a nice track out here, Santa Anita.
Yeah, I know, the one with the flamingos.
No, that's Miami. They got no flamingos here.
What's the difference? Flamingos, no flamingos,
you're betting on horses. Who cares about flamingos.
What's the matter with you?
Oh, nothing. Just there's probably a dozen button men
on the street who would love to put one in my ear.
You know, you always look on the dark side of things, Sally.
Yeah, right.
I also feel bad about Valerie.
Why?
I left without saying goodbye,
Charlie.
So things cool down, you call her up.
That's not the same thing.
Hm. You've been going out with that girl a long time.
Since as long as I can remember.
Don't get me wrong, I love Valerie like she was my sister,
but I think she's a bit of a whacko.
She's not a whacko, she's independent.
Whatever, I just know I couldn't go
with a girl like that for such a long time.
You can't go out with any girl for a long time.
You never went out with any girl
more than six weeks since I know you.
I've been unlucky.
I haven't met the right girl, okay.
And I get bored quick. I'd hate to be you.
Yeah, but I'll tell you, ain't nothing like first times.
The first couple of dates, you get all dressed up,
you take her to the right places, spend a few dollars,
and then you give it to her. Oh, I love first times.
I hate first times.
Are you kidding?
Sometimes I get so excited I got to think about
the Yankee batting order while we're doing it.
What?
Or otherwise I'm over in 30 seconds.
You think about the Yankee batting order?
Not the current one, that's too easy.
Like I say to myself, while I got her here...
Yankees... 1980...
Lead off, Bucky Dent.
Then Mickey, that little guy...
Rivers, Mickey Rivers...
Oh, baby. Yeah, baby.
Craig. Craig Nettles, Yeah, baby. Oh, yeah.
Oh, baby, you know what Daddy likes. Yes. Oh...
Thurman Munson. Yes, Thurman.
Oh! Oh, God!
Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.
And, uh-- And, uh-- Chris. Chris.
Chris-- Chris-- Chris Chambers.
[PANTING, WHOOPING]
Woody! Woody Randolph.
Like that. It works.
Charlie,
you have a very unique way of dealing with life.
[CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY]
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER P.A.]
Hi, how ya doin'? I gotta question to ask you.
You see the number on this ticket.
Is it in some kind of numerical order from passenger
to passenger or from suitcase to suitcase?
I'll tell you why I'm asking. You won't believe this.
The last time I was in L.A.,
I had four bags. Four. Anyway, the airline, they lost one.
So then they call me-- that is the airline--
calls me and says that the number on my ticket was not
in the correct sequential order. I'm from New York City.
I don't know about the correct sequential order.
All I wanna know is where's my bag. Can you blame me?
[♪♪♪]
RECORDING [OVER P.A.]: The white zone is for immediate
loading and unloading of passengers only.
No parking.
The white zone is for immediate
loading and unloading...
Yeah, like, uh...
that.
If you don't find my bag, you're gonna send me a check, right?
That's right, sir.
If your bag is not found in 10 days,
you will receive monetary compensation,
$1200 is maximum.
I don't know where I'm gonna be in 10 days, so I'll call you.
I'll hold onto this. Sign here.
Oh, this is so aggravating.
[♪♪♪]
[GASPS] Sally Boy!
Oh, God, what a surprise!
[LAUGHING]
Look at you!
You're so handsome!
And Charlie! Hiya, Ro.
Michael! Michael!
Look who's here! Your Uncle Sal from New York.
Oh, God, New York! I can smell New York on you.
Wait a minute, Sally. Who died?
Is everything all right? Forget about it. Nobody died.
Everything is fine. Oh, thank God.
Because I thought all of a sudden, what's he doing here?
Everything's fine. Oh, come here.
Hey, Sally Boy! Hey, Mikey Boy!
[LAUGHTER]
This guy! Looks like a duke in here.
Hey Charliutz, I can't believe it.
Hiya. Doesn't he look great, Michael?
Yeah, Ro, he looks great. Get the camera, quick.
Come in, Sal, bring your stuff.
Oh, it's so good to see you. I got a nice room for you.
Michael, go buy cakes. I'll make some coffee.
[GROANS]
SAL: We left New York... [FEET POUNDING]
Stop running!
SAL: So without any decent work prospects in sight
we thought maybe it was time to give the West Coast a shot.
Just a whim. Here, come on, have some pastry.
It's not like New York, but it's fresh.
All right, enough with that camera now.
You told me take it out.
Showing up here without a call, just like you.
Put that back!
Put it down, I'll kill ya!
So Charlie, you like to drive? Yeah, you know.
I know this maniac here can drive all day and night.
He used to work for me when I had the cabs in New York.
I know. Tomorrow you both start driving
for Michael, you'll make money, get your own place and before
you know it, you're on your own two feet.
Probably put a guy out of work, but hey, what the hell.
We're family, right?
Until then, you'll both stay with us,
and I don't want to hear anything different.
Okay? SAL: Ro...
No, if I can't do for my big brother,
then who can I do for?
Mm...
Look how handsome he is, look.
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
[ROSE EXCLAIMING] [SAL LAUGHING]
SAL: So good to see you.
ROSE: Tomorrow I'm making eggplant.
SAL: Oh, my favorite! Oh!
[BOTH KISSING]
I ain't gonna be no limousine driver.
I hate shit like that.
Well, what are we gonna do? We got to make some money.
I know how to make money.
I don't have to be some ass-kissing limousine driver.
Oh, yeah? Well, what are you gonna do? What?
What? Same thing I did in New York.
You did shit in New York!
I did plenty in New York.
Like what?
What? How about the airline ticket thing.
Who's deal was that? Richie's.
Bullshit, that was my deal, man!
How about the credit card thing at the casinos in Puerto Rico.
Joey Eggs gave you that 'cause you were banging his sister,
and he wanted to get you out of town.
I don't believe you, man. You're so full of shit.
Hey, Charlie, please.
You don't want to drive, then don't drive.
But then you're going to sit at my sister's table
and eat her food?
Somehow, I don't feel any pangs of guilt.
Shut the lights.
Yeah, soon as I figure this out.
Are you comfortable, Prince Sal, Your Royal Highness?
[BED RATTLING]
Ow!
[SIGHS]
They ain't around.
You checked around?
I checked around. They ain't around.
[IN ITALIAN] [IN ITALIAN]
What about the cousin?
[IN ENGLISH] Can't find him either.
[IN ITALIAN]
So they're gone, and I'm out 10 grand.
Did you check with the girlfriend, Valerie?
[IN ENGLISH] I checked with everybody.
[IN ITALIAN]
Hey, you want I should wait
until you're done with your accoutrements?
[IN ENGLISH] I'm hungry, Gino.
And I'm out 10 grand!
Forget about the sandwich! Aldo, get out from behind there.
What do you think, 'cause it's a lousy 10 grand
it's not important? No.
This is number one now!
We're gonna find these assholes.
Your friend Charlie is some piece of work.
What is he, too good to be a driver?
I started as a cabbie. Twenty hours a day I drove.
How does he think you get all this?
You got to bust your balls in this world.
We weren't born with no silver spoons up our ass.
You tell him that. Here, take this baby.
And Sal, take it easy. It ain't a cab.
[AD LIBS' "BOY FROM NEW YORK CITY" PLAYING]
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Cool, cool kitty ♪
♪ Tell us about the boy From New York City ♪
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Come on, kitty ♪
♪ Tell us about the boy From New York City ♪
♪ He's kind of tall He's really fine ♪
♪ Someday I hope to make him Mine, all mine ♪
♪ And he's neat And oh, so sweet ♪
Did you bring in the left-over pastry?
What left-over pastry? From last night.
Charlie ate the last piece this morning.
That guy eats like he's going to the chair.
The last thing you need, Michael,
is another piece of pastry.
Where did you send Sal?
I told Patty to keep him in the Valley.
Only a stroonz could get lost in the Valley.
You got a Caddy, we can do business.
Seville. Tape deck, leather interior in a maroon.
Maroon, I don't know. What about burgundy?
Burgundy? Yeah.
Eighty-four dollars a day.
Eighty-four dollars?
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Cool, cool kitty ♪
♪ Tell us about the boy From New York City ♪
♪ He's really down ♪
♪ And he's no clown ♪
♪ He has the finest penthouse I've ever seen in town ♪
♪ And he's cute ♪
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Come on, kitty ♪
♪ Tell us about the boy From New York City ♪
♪ He can dance ♪
♪ And make romance ♪
♪ That's when I fell in love With just one glance ♪
♪ He was shy ♪
♪ And so was I ♪
♪ And now I know We'll never ever say goodbye ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-wee ♪
♪ You ought to come and see ♪
♪ He's the most ♪
♪ From coast to coast ♪
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Cool, cool kitty ♪
♪ Tell us about the boy From New York City ♪
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah Come on, kitty ♪
WOMAN: Hi.
Hi.
Have you ever done this before?
Uh, no.
I have. This is my eighth time.
Your eighth time?
You've done this trip seven times before
and now you're gonna do it again? Yeah.
This must be one hell of a bus ride.
Well, I always seem to meet somebody nice.
Oh, yeah?
What's your name?
Amelia.
Oh, like the flower.
[CHUCKLES] I didn't know there was a flower named Amelia.
Oh, yeah, in Italy.
It grows in the shade on the hillsides,
and in the evenings the bouquet fills
all the surrounding villages like an aria at La Scala.
Excuse me, ma'am, but didn't you say this place
was on "Sepiliveeda"?
Sepulveda!
Yeah, right, Sepulveda.
Ooh!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[LADY EXCLAIMS] [THUMPS]
Oh, shit.
CHARLIE: Uh, Lou! Lou, Lou, Lou!
Ooh! What else?
Um-- Um-- Um--
Mickey Rivers. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh--
Um-- And Willy, baby. Willy, baby. Willy Randal.
Willy! Willy!
Charlie?
CHARLIE: Sal? Is that you? Yeah, it's me.
Don't come in here now, Sal. Don't come in here.
What are ya talkin' about, don't come in here?
What're you, crazy?
I told you not to come in.
What if I was my sister? What's the matter with you?
And who is this? I'm Amelia.
Well, come on, get dressed, the both of youse,
before somebody comes home.
If you want me to get dressed,
somebody's gonna have to untie me.
Look at yourself. One day in California.
My silk tie?
My $25 silk tie?
Come on, Charlie. There was nothing else.
Nothing else? Uh, excuse me.
Could I use the bathroom?
Yeah, go ahead, it's right down the hall.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
This is a nice girl. It was her idea.
Really?
So how was your day today, Salvatore?
Don't ask. Look at this.
Seriously Sal, come on, what are we gonna do?
I haven't mentioned this before,
but there's somebody out here we know.
Who? Marty the Greek.
Marty the Greek?
Yeah, you know him. I did a few things with him.
He's the guy that pulled the job at the wholesale candy place.
Oh, that guy.
Well, let's call him up, what the hell.
Whoa. Take it easy, Charlie.
He uses guns and stuff, remember? Not like what we do.
Sal, I got less than $60 in my pocket.
Let's see what he's up to.
Uh, how am I gonna get home?
Charlie, the king of kink over here will drive you home.
[♪♪♪]
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF, CLICKS AND SPUTTERS]
Looks like he's doing well.
Hey, don't start, all right?
I haven't seen this guy since he moved out here.
Must've hit it big.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
[PANTING] [MARTY LAUGHS]
Sally! Come on in.
Killer climb, ain't it?
Charlie.
Yeah, I remember. Hiya, Charlie.
How ya doin'?
I was making a protein drink. You fellas want some?
It's green, Marty.
Spirulina.
The fountain of youth.
Yeah, well, to tell you the truth, you look, uh...
good.
Tabernacle.
My body is my tabernacle.
Got a nice place here.
Yeah, nice place here, Marty.
You're sure you don't want any of this?
Yeah, I'm sure. Charlie?
No, thanks.
So how long you been in L.A.?
SAL: We got in yesterday.
You got something lined up out here, or what?
Yeah. We're checking out a few things.
Yeah? Heh.
What are you checking out?
A few things.
Heh. What's the matter there's nothing going on in New York?
We just had something going on,
but it didn't go according to plan.
You know how it is. Same old shit.
Harmony.
What?
In New York, it's all chaos,
that's why you can't get anything done.
But here, all things are in harmony.
Oh, boy.
You know, I might have something for you guys.
Like? Heh. Nothing major,
just something to put a few dollars in your pockets.
Heh. Like?
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Same old Sal.
Can you wait till tomorrow?
Let me check out a few things, huh?
Why don't you relax and have some trail mix.
So, uh, you hear from anybody in New York anymore?
What for?
I got a whole new life out here. Huh?
Come on, let's go sit out on the deck.
We'll relax in the sun and talk, huh? Come on.
Is there any shade out there, Marty?
I get headaches from this frigging sun,
all day long, you know.
So?
We break into some guy's office, and we take this envelope.
We don't do that shit.
Hey, I told you, remember?
That's the kind of stuff this guy is into.
You said you were hungry.
How much?
A grand each.
A lousy grand.
Wait, I'll call Michael.
I'm sure he's got a uniform that'll fit you.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to work.
What are you gonna do, eat them all?
Come on, Sal. One more.
There are other people here.
Hey, do you know how to do this?
Do what? Break in and everything?
SAL: What's to know?
[♪♪♪]
[ENGINE BACKFIRES]
That's the building.
What, are we going in the front door? No.
We go down the alley, up the fire escape,
to the second floor, we go right through the window.
Up the fire escape? Hey, Sal, come on.
Would you just please stop and come on.
I got to get on your shoulders.
Why don't I get on your shoulders?
Because you're taller than I am.
What, by an inch? Hey, every little bit helps.
Even so, Sal, if you're on my shoulders
or if I'm on your shoulders it's still the same thing.
No, it's not the same thing
because I will not be able to hold you up there.
Now come on, Charlie.
All right, take your shoes off.
What do I got to do that for?
'Cause you'll ruin my jacket
and I don't have any clothes out here.
Come on, Charlie, I'm not gonna stand around
in a dirty alley with just my socks on.
Bend down.
All right, all right.
Give me your handkerchief.
Give me your handkerchief.
[SIGHS]
Make sure you keep your feet on the handkerchiefs.
Just don't come up so fast, all right?
I don't want to break my ass here.
No, it's not gonna work. Not gonna work.
[WHISPERS] Shh! Shut up, will ya? Shut up. Come on.
We gotta get some leverage here.
Huh? Bend over.
Put this leg forward.
Okay.
Oh. You're standing on my pants! Shut up!
My pants! My good pants! Will you shut up?
[GROANS]
Slow now. Slow.
Higher.
Higher a little higher. There ain't no higher.
Stand on your toes.
[GRUNTS]
Whoa, whoa!
[WHISPERING] You happy now?
I ripped my pants. Look at my jacket.
My apologies.
Yeah, yeah.
[GRUNTS]
Come on.
What's the matter?
It's locked.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's that? A file.
Yeah, I know, but what are we gonna do with it?
Guys that do this have tools.
Maybe they file the lock.
See.
It's dark in here.
I'll turn a light on for you.
So, what are we looking for? A map.
A map?
[CHUCKLES] You looked pretty funny dangling out there, Sally.
[GROANS] Wha-- What?
CHARLIE: Who's that?
Shit. Hey, Sal, I'm outta here.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I knew we shouldn't trust this Marty.
This is serious. Come on. We gotta leave here Sal.
Wait, let's first get the thing.
What thing? This could be some kind of set-up.
There could be a hundred cops on their way here.
Come on, let's get the thing.
There may not be a thing!
Well, let's see. We're here.
All right, all right, but hurry up, will ya.
[WHISPERS] Come on!
I got it.
Good.
[SPUTTERING CAR APPROACHING]
All right, Marty, what the hell's going on?
You didn't say anything
about anybody being dead! Dead?
Hey, don't play stupid with us, all right.
Don't insult us.
I don't know what you're talking about, all right.
There was a guy in the office, dead,
sitting in a chair, dead.
What did he look like?
[SCOFFS] He was kinda pale.
Come on. Well, I don't know, he was fat.
Real thick glasses? Yeah.
He was dead? You sure?
Yeah. He was dead.
Well, I don't get it, what's the joke?
Did you get the envelope? Hey, we're pros.
We go out to get something, we get it.
Let me see it.
Hey, wait a second, Marty. Who was this guy?
A piece of shit. Nothing to worry about.
Forget about him. Oh, come on, Marty.
Don't worry about it, I'm telling you.
I'm worried! I was this close to the guy.
We may have left prints up there.
I don't want to be talking to any homicide guys!
He was my partner.
What? His partner gets whacked
and he laughs, I love this guy.
He was a greedy bastard. He was trying to cut me out!
Who whacked him? I don't know.
Maybe the same guys who wanted the envelope.
Well, must be some valuable envelope,
if a guy gets whacked for it. Hey, guys get whacked
for looking cross eyed at a guy. I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll double what I'm giving you because of all this shit.
[LAUGHS]
Happy?
You guys did a great job.
Call me tomorrow.
Hey, where are you going? Whoa, whoa!
Where's our money?
Protocol. Protocol your ass!
Don't give us any of your bullshit!
We're talking money now! Hey, hey.
Every deal has its stages. Take it easy.
Stage one, you get me the envelope.
Stage two, I give the envelope to the right people,
and they give me the money.
Stage three, I give you your cut.
And stage four, if you don't give us our money tomorrow,
we gonna pull your lungs out.
Come on, what's the matter with you?
You think I'd do that?
Somebody I've known from New York all these years?
Marty.
Remember what I said.
[♪♪♪]
Call me tomorrow.
Not too early.
Do you believe the balls on this guy not to have our money?
We were right not to trust this phony, Charlie,
and I think he's a fag too.
This horse's ass with his protein drinks and trail mix.
He was a scumbag back in New York,
that's probably why he moved out here.
We got this.
Sally...
A little insurance.
I slipped it out of the envelope.
What do you think is on it? I don't know,
but a guy got whacked for these.
Whatever is on it, they got to want it bad.
That was very smart, Sal. Huh?
Very smart. Uh-huh. Always thinkin'.
Very smart. Always thinkin'.
Uh-huh? Uh-huh?
[CHUCKLES]
VALERIE: What a picture.
Valerie...
What are you doing here?
Look at the two of you.
Charlie, you look like you've been rolling in the gutter.
How'd you know we were here?
Where else would you be, Sal?
You didn't tell nobody?
Oh, yeah, what do you take me for, a whacko, Charlie?
What about you, you got nothing to say to me?
You leave without saying nothing?
You don't call.
I-I was going to call, believe me, Val,
I was gonna call as soon as things cooled down a little.
You boys really out-did yourselves this time.
Don't you know you can never go home
until you straighten this out with Gino?
We're gonna straighten it out, Valerie.
We're gonna straighten it out. We're just working on that.
Right? Right.
How you gonna straighten it out, Sal?
Another one of your stupid scams?
Gee, Val, I was just gonna say how much I missed you.
Look, I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night.
So Val...
When did you get in?
Few hours ago.
You look good.
I heard you got a job. Yeah.
I hate it.
[SCOFFS] Figures.
That's not what I mean.
It's the kind of work-- it's just not me.
What is you, Sal?
Is it being chased around by Gino and that bunch?
You like that? Make you feel like a big man?
No, I hate that too.
And I'll be honest with you, Val, after that, this is it.
We get outta this one, no more deals.
Yeah, sure. No, no, I mean it this time.
I really do, I mean it.
All right, then what do you want to do?
Well, that's a problem.
I don't know.
Why don't you go to beauty school
and come to work with me at the salon?
Yeah, right, then I'll call myself Mr. Sal.
Come on, will ya?
[SIGHS]
Well, you better make up your mind soon, Sal, 'cause, uh...
I'm not gonna wait around forever.
Come on, Val. No.
I'm serious.
[SCOFFS] I'm not getting any younger, you know,
and neither are you, for that matter.
What are you talking about, you look great.
I'm not talking about how I look.
I'm talking about I wanna settle down.
I want a family. I want kids. Kids?
Oh, I don't know, Val. What is to know?
I mean, how can I do that? [SHUSHES]
How can I do that?
What do I got? I can't take care of myself,
how am I gonna raise a family?
You got a good brain.
When are you gonna wake up and use it?
You know, you are gonna lose me, Sal,
and I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.
Is that why you came all the way out here to tell me all of this?
No.
I came out--
I came out because I love you.
Really.
Yeah?
That's the only reason.
[♪♪♪]
You tired?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
No, I'm not that tired.
Wanna go inside?
Huh? What about Charlie?
We'll open the couch in the den.
Okay.
Val, did you skim the runny stuff
off the top of the eggs with the fork?
Yeah, Charlie.
And you made the yellow soft so I can dip with the toast?
Hey, you want to eat these eggs,
Charlie, or you want to wear 'em? Huh?
All right, all right.
Okay. Enjoy.
Here.
Good?
[DOOR SLAMS IN DISTANCE]
Charlie.
Charlie. I gotta talk to you minute.
When I'm done. Now, Charlie.
My eggs will get cold. Forget the eggs, we got to talk.
Excuse us, Val, we'll be only a minute.
[SHUSHES]
When you read the newspapers what do you read?
What? What do you read?
The results.
That's right, the horses. Now what do I read?
Sal. What do I read?
What do I know what you read?
The front page. News! That's what I read.
Is this what you brought me in here for?
If those eggs get cold, she's not gonna make me anymore.
Look at this--
headline story, four congressmen,
two state senators, a lot of big business guys,
all under investigation by the D.A.
for selling government contracts.
So that stuff goes on all the time.
They wanna indict these guys, Charlie,
but they can't. Insufficient evidence.
Of course, these guys are worse than mob guys.
Look at these pictures.
Last night, while you were sleeping.
I was in here looking at home movies.
I thought you were playing hide the salami.
Those guys...
are on this tape.
That tape? These guys?
What were they doing?
"Film at 11."
Is that the senator from the paper or what?
Huh? Yeah.
And?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
And what are they doing?
They're taking money.
They're taking money!
They're taking money, Charlie. And we got them on tape!
Do you have any idea how much these tapes are worth?
What are we gonna do, Sally? What are we gonna do?
We got these guys by the cajones, Charlie.
And that Marty, he was going to give us a lousy four grand.
Know how much he must be getting for a bag full of these?
This is the big one, Charlie.
Do you know the league we're in here?
Senators, Congressmen...
We're talking very serious money.
We're gonna ask for one million dollars.
One million.
One million dollars.
Let's call that worm, Marty. No, no.
We don't call him. We don't call nobody.
We just go over there.
We use the element of surprise.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[♪♪♪]
Here we go again with these stairs.
I don't know how much of a surprise this is gonna be, Sal,
it takes us a half an hour to get up there.
You get a thrombosis just goin' to see this guy.
Uh-oh.
[THUMPING]
Is he dead?
Yeah. But not from the fall.
Somebody put a bullet in his tabernacle.
[♪♪♪]
What do we do now?
I don't know, I gotta think. Slow down, will you?
The stiffs are piling up, Sal.
With Marty gone, who do we do business with?
We'll find our own contacts.
Now you please slow down, Charlie, nobody's--
[CAR HORN BLARING] Will you watch it!
Slow down, please. Nobody's chasing us!
We need distance, Sal. We need distance.
We got distance, Charlie.
Now, will you slow down, and let's find a phone booth.
Yes. I'd like to speak to Mr. Palmer, please.
Oh, he wouldn't know my name.
Just tell him I'm a friend of Senator Whitman
with whom he should speak.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm trying to get out from this sun,
but it don't stop.
Yes, Mr. Palmer.
Well, my name isn't important.
What is important is a little home movie
I have in my possession that I think you and your client,
Senator Whitman, would be very interested in.
Uh-huh.
Yes. Yes, sir.
Don't pull my chain, Mr. Palmer.
Why don't we meet in your office?
So let's say 9:00 tonight?
That's great. Thank you. Looking forward to it.
You didn't mention the money. You didn't ask about money.
That's because we're not making the exchange tonight.
Why not? Because if we make
the exchange tonight, they'll whack the both of us.
So, what do we do? We're gonna handle this
like the professionals that we are.
[♪♪♪]
It's time.
[BEEPS]
Sal. Are you sure that thing's gonna work?
Yeah, trust me on this, will you?
Me and Beansy used it when we were scalping tickets.
It works beautiful. Go ahead, try it.
Put your hand in your pocket and press the button.
[CLICKING AND BEEPING]
That's good.
I hear this go off while you're up there,
I'm on that phone.
You know, I don't understand why I gotta go in.
Because if we both go in then they got us.
They'll make us tell them where the tape is.
But if you only go in,
then I become your ace in the hole.
Anything goes wrong, you signal me.
I'll call the cops, they can kiss their videotape goodbye.
Yeah, but why me, Sal? Why am I going in?
Because now you got the thing on.
What do you want to do?
You want to take the time to switch now?
We don't have the time.
Why didn't you say something before?
Because I didn't think about it before.
Well, if you want me to go in, Charlie, I'll go in.
It doesn't make any difference to me.
No. I was just wondering.
I really didn't think about it, Charlie.
It just worked out that way.
Are you sure you don't want me to go up?
I said I'll go in, I'll go in.
Makes sense.
No reason to put us both in jeopardy.
You remember what to tell them, right?
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
Charlie.
Charlie, if you walk like that,
they're gonna know you're wearing something.
Hey, you try walkin' with this friggin' thing on.
Just try walkin' normal, will you?
Looking for Palmer.
My name's Jacubick.
From now on, you deal with me.
[WHISTLING]
[BEEPS]
The tape shows Senator Whitman
and Senator Kopeck in a situation
that the D.A. would definitely find very interesting.
And how do I know that you actually have this video tape?
Check the date on the newspaper,
you'll see that picture was taken today.
What are the terms?
We want one--
One million dollars.
Small bills, no consecutive numbers.
[DEVICE BEEPING]
What's that sound?
What?
That sound.
What sound?
Hey, take it easy guys.
[SPITS] Come on!
[BEEPS ON]
Ooh!
You little turd.
You have the audacity to come in here with a recorder?
Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?
Sir. This isn't a recorder.
What is it?
Looks like a garage door opener.
That's what it is.
And you keep it taped to your leg, inside your pants?
I would imagine that would make
opening the garage rather difficult.
Yeah.
What is it?
What I said.
Do you want to leave here alive?
If anything happens to me,
that tape goes right to the D.A.
How do you want to make this trade?
What happened to you?
Just drive, get me outta here.
What happened? Look at your pants.
Don't ask me any more questions, okay?
Could we just go, please? Well, if you were in trouble,
why didn't you push the button?
[ENGINE STARTS]
Push the button?
Yeah, like we said.
I don't want to talk about this.
I almost got killed up there, Sal, all right?
Could we just drive?
[TIRES SCREECHING; BACKFIRES] SAL: What are you talkin' about?
CHARLIE: Ace in the hole, huh?
You were my ace in the hole? You should've been a mailman.
There were other careers on that list.
Yeah, like what? Electronics expert?
Hey, look, are they gonna be at the restaurant tomorrow night?
They'll be there. With the money?
With the money.
[PIANO PLAYING LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC WITHIN]
Charlie, go ahead, I'll meet you around back.
We're pros, remember?
Right, pros.
I'm a pro.
[SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING]
[PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING]
[♪♪♪]
[SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING]
[CROWD GASPING]
Oh, shit.
Sal!
Where are you, Sally? Where are you?
Sal!
Run, Charlie!
Run, Ch--!
[SILENCED GUNSHOTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
I'll give you each $100, if you get me outta here!
Well, jump in, homes.
I wouldn't know where to tell you to look
if I was gonna tell you anything,
and I ain't telling you shit.
You know if we don't find him before he disappears,
I'm gonna have to kill you.
He ain't disappearing.
What do you think he will do? He's gonna call.
You really believe that? Yeah, I believe that.
He wouldn't leave me here alone.
He's out there with one million dollars cash.
That don't matter.
We're like brothers, Charlie and me.
A million dollars cuts a lot of family ties.
He's probably bookin' himself on the next available flight.
You wouldn't understand.
If you were in his place,
would you call?
Yeah, I'd call.
I'll make you a little wager.
The switchboard opens at 9:00.
We'll give him to 9:15.
If he doesn't call,
you lose.
I want a ticket on the next plane out of the country.
Well, uh...
Our Carnival Special leaves at 9:30 for Rio de Janeiro.
But on that-- CHARLIE: No!
No sun!
Sir?
No more sun!
What else you got?
Well, our next international flight
leaves for Rome at 4:30 p.m. this evening.
Four-thirty?
Forget it. Give me the other one.
How will you be paying for that, sir?
Cash.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
[♪♪♪]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[RINGING]
Yes?
Let me speak to Sal.
I have to say I am very surprised.
I guess I over-estimated you.
Just put Sal on the phone, all right?
Hey, Charliutz. Heh.
Hey, man. I knew you'd call. I knew it.
Yeah, I'm callin', Sal.
I told this guy here, but he don't know, this guy.
He don't understand us. Heh.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
I'm fine. No problem, no problem.
All right, uh...
Put that scumbag back on the phone, will you?
Yeah, yeah. Uh...
Hey, Charlie.
What?
Charlie, uh...
Well, you know, uh...
What?
Well, you know what I mean-- I mean...
You know, all those years
we, we were together
and everything we went through...
What are you trying to say, Sal?
I-I love you, Charlie.
Now that makes me feel like I gotta say that too.
I mean, if you say it, it's only right that I say it.
Oh, no, no, man. You don't have to say it.
You don't have to say it.
Would you mind if I didn't?
I just don't feel up to it right now.
Yeah, yeah, I understand.
Here, I'll put this guy back on.
That was very touching.
You're lucky he's all right, and he better stay that way.
Very intimidating. Okay.
Now, here's what you do...
No! I ain't gonna do shit.
See, you're gonna listen to me,
because I'm givin' the orders now.
If you don't do exactly what I say,
or if anything happens to Sal,
I go right to the newspapers and TV
and I blow this whole thing wide open.
And if you don't believe me, you try me,
you white milk skinhead.
Okay, okay.
What did you have in mind?
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Fine.
But I must insist that you come alone,
for Sal's sake.
And remember to bring the tape...
and the money.
Where's Sal? What?
Where's Sal? I'm gonna go pick him up.
What do you mean you're gonna go pick him up? Where is he?
We'll be back in a little while. What did youse do?
You come in this house, I want to know what's going on here!
I'm not a kid here. Get in this house!
Did you get my Sally Boy in trouble?
No! Nobody's in trouble.
I don't know what you're talking about!
That hurt, Ro.
Look who came to see you,
all the way from the neighborhood.
[♪♪♪]
Hi, Gino.
Charlie.
Have a seat.
If you got Sally Boy in trouble, I'll kill you.
Go. Ow!
What's the matter, you don't like New York no more?
No...
You know, it's just one of them things.
One of them things, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
You like it out here?
Yeah, it's all right.
Tell you the truth,
this freakin' sun gives me headaches.
Oh. Well, Frankie and me were in Vegas,
and we're having a good time,
when we hear you boys are out here too.
So we said, "Hey, we're so close,
let's go say hello to our dear friends Charlie and Sal."
Gino, we're working on a new deal,
very serious money.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Sal is with the people right now.
I'm to go meet 'em, and when it's done,
you're gonna have your money.
And Gino...
we're ready to double your end.
How about that, huh? Double? Me.
[GINO LAUGHS]
You know, right now I should stab you in the eyes
and hang you from a freakin' palm tree.
I just need a few more hours, that's all I need.
A few more hours, and I'll have your money.
What could it hurt?
Tell me something, Charlie.
If Frankie and me didn't show up here today,
and you made your big deal,
would you have come back to New York
and paid me my money?
Absolutely.
We got a plane out of here at 10:00 tonight.
I give you that much time.
So either I leave here with my money,
or I leave you here dead.
Okay?
Okay.
Now, go do your deal.
Oh, and Charlie.
I'd like Frankie here to keep you company.
Oh, come on, Gino. I gotta move around.
Hey...
It's not that I don't trust you,
but after all,
this is the business we're in.
Val...
could I talk to you for a minute? Inside.
Yeah. Yeah.
Bedroom.
Frankie, I'd like to talk to Val alone,
if you don't mind, just for a minute.
I'll be right out here.
So, what's with Sal? Is he all right?
I'm not gonna shit you. Right now, he's okay,
but we're in a little bit of trouble.
Oh, youse two!
Please, Val, I need your help.
To do what, Charlie?
I think I got a way out of this.
But first got to get rid of this chooch.
Oh, God, Charlie.
Not for nothing, but have you guys got a taste for a slice?
I don't know, but I got this yen for a slice.
Extra cheese, maybe with a little pepperoni.
I haven't had a decent slice since we've been here.
You guys know a good place, no problem, I'm buying.
I don't hold no grudges. Life is short, you know what I mean?
Shit like that just eats away at you.
You guys got a job to do and that's that.
You know, I hate the hump in the middle.
You think we could switch around?
No, huh? Well, what the hell?
Hey, you ever been to New York?
I tell you what. I got these great St. Christopher medals.
You're not gonna believe this.
But the lips, they actually move.
It's like a miracle. You look at him,
he talks to you, you talk to him.
You ask him for a favor.
If you're good, you get it, if not, who knows what.
You guys want some nice silk ties? By the gross.
[♪♪♪]
How much longer?
Not too long.
These people are gonna be there?
Yeah.
Here we are.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[CAR RUMBLES, BACKFIRES]
MAN: Whoa!
Nice wheels, man.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
[POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[PINBALL MACHINE RINGING]
This is the place? Yeah.
♪ Turn on my favorite toy ♪
Now, where're you going?
To the bathroom. You want to come?
Leave the car keys and the briefcase.
Here's the keys, but this goes where I go.
MAN 1: Bobby's outside, you know.
MAN 2: So? MAN 1: So...
MAN 2: Who's he with?
MAN 1: I think he's with Chaz.
MAN 2: Ugh! He can have him.
MAN 1: Heh, I'd take him. MAN 2: I know you would.
MAN 2: How's Bobby look? MAN 1: Delicious, as usual.
MAN 2: Well, I'm not going over to him.
MAN 1: You should. He still likes you.
Hey, guys. I'm in a jam over here.
Maybe you could help me out.
I need a ride. What do you say?
I mean, I could give you a few dollars.
It's my ex-lover.
He's sitting out at the bar. He's a crazy man.
He's trying to get me to go home with him,
but I know if I do, he'll beat the hell outta me.
What a shit.
The last time, he almost killed me.
Let me take a look at this jerk.
[POP MUSIC CONTINUES]
How much?
How about a hundred?
You got it, sweetheart.
[♪♪♪]
Hey!
[YELLS]
[GRUNTING]
FISHERMAN 1: Having any luck?
FISHERMAN 2: No, nothing yet. You?
FISHERMAN 1: Little ones.
[REEL WHIRRING]
Where's Sal?
Did you bring everything? Yeah.
Let's see the tape.
After I see Sal.
Okay?
First he walks out of here. You've seen him.
He walks or no deal.
CHARLIE: Go ahead, Sal.
Go!
I've dealt with guys like you before.
You're an amateur, a two-bit hustler.
You risked your life.
You threw away a million dollars.
I think you're too stupid to realize what you've done.
You had the chance of a lifetime.
And you blew it.
You're small change.
Okay, let's have it.
I ain't got it.
What?
I ain't got the tape.
And you know something else?
I ain't got the money either.
It's empty.
You dumb fuck.
Get him!
Stay where you are! FBI.
Hold it! FBI! Move it, move it.
[GROANS]
[POLICE SIREN WAILING]
Police!
Charlie!
Charlie!
[YELLS]
AGENT: Hold it.
Bring it down.
Bring it down.
Charlie.
Charlie. Charlie, you all right? Oh, yeah!
You? [GRUNTS]
What the hell happened?
I had Valerie
call the feds.
She showed 'em the tape.
She told the whole deal.
What happens to us?
Nothing! I had her give 'em the money too.
We'll probably get a friggin medal.
You gave them the money?
But only two hundred and fifty thou.
Well, what about the rest?
Oh, uh, unfortunately, Gino showed up this morning.
Gino? Holy shit. I had to pay him off, Sal.
I had to pay him double. Double, Charlie?
Another two hundred and fifty thou.
Oh.
So where's the rest?
[LAUGHING] Charlie, you got it?
You got it, Charlie!
[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER]
Come here, Sal!
You got it!
[LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
[ALL WHOOPING]
[UPBEAT TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]
Hold it! Hold it! I've got a toast!
[CHEERING]
Here we go, madame and monsieur.
To Valerie and Sal.
What can I say,
better late than never...
You said it. You said it.
But also...
I wish you happiness.
And children.
And may the sparkle I see in both your eyes today
last forever.
Ah, salute!
Sal!
I can say it now.
I love you, Sal.
[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[♪♪♪]