We're Not Married! (1952) - full transcript

In a field where they lay
keeping their sheep

On a cold winter's night

That was so deep

- Noel
- Well, what do you think?

I don't see how we can
do much better than that.

- Oh, come on. I'm tired shopping.
- Okay.

Born is the King of Israel

Say, I wish we had some rice.

- Why, you hungry?
- You know what I mean.

It's bad luck without rice.

Well, you don't have to worry about
the old shoes. I'm wearing them.



- Judge Bush?
- Uh, uh, yes.

Won't you come in?
It's pretty cold out tonight.

It sure is.

We, uh, we want to get married.

- Married? Really?
- You don't disapprove, I trust?

Oh, no, not at all.
I should say not.

They want you to marry them, Papa.

Oh, me?
Oh, yes, of course.

Well, come right in.
This is Mrs. Bush.

- How do you do, Mrs. Bush.
- Good evening.

- Merry Christmas to you.
- Thank you, Mrs. Bush. The same to you.

- Yes.
- Oh, look at the little cat. Hello.

- Let's see now. You said you want to get married.
- That's right.

- You mean now?
- Well, anytime within the next four or five minutes.



Oh, splendid. Now, if I could
just find those certificates I have.

I had them around here this morning.

- Um, what do you call them, dear?
- Licenses, Papa.

Oh, yes.

Here, I think these...
Yes, here it is.

Here's a brand-new pad...
"Marriage License. " Uh, one or two?

- Uh, two people, one marriage.
- Yeah.

- One, I think, Papa. It is one, isn't it?
- Well, don't you know?

- Uh, may I see?
- Yes, go ahead.

Yes, this is it.

- Yes. Yes, you see, there's a place for you...
- Yes.

and there's a place for him.

- Now, would you sit down here and fill it out, please?
- Oh, certainly.

- Now, here's a pen.
- Thank you very much.

That's all right.

I've got a little black book around here
somewhere that tells the whole thing.

I saw it around here
this morning somewhere.

- I beg your pardon, Judge.
- Yes?

May I ask you how long
you've been in this business?

- Oh, about, uh, three or four hours.
- Hours?

Yes. A man brought the letter
about 6:00, uh, 6:30, didn't he?

- 6:35 exactly.
- Oh, yes.

- Oh, it was like a beautiful Christmas present.
- Yes.

- Wasn't it, dear?
- Yes, indeed.

- What sort of letter?
- His appointment. He's just been appointed.

- This is his first marriage.
- Yes, my very first.

- Oh, say.
- Steve?

Yes?

- Age?
- Forty-four.

- Color?
- Pearl gray.

- Here it is.
- Oh.

Yes, this is it. Thank you, Mama.
Now we're all set.

See, signed by the governor.
Governor Bush is Judge Bush's nephew.

Really? But are you sure you know
how to marry people?

Well, it's, uh, it's all right here
in the book. What's to stop us?

I don't know.
What do you think, honey?

- You mean try another one?
- Why not?

Oh, no. Please.

What good would that do?
Everybody has the same book.

But they know where
to look in the book.

They don't have to go fumbling around through
the index to find out how to get started.

Please don't go. This is our first marriage.
And on Christmas Eve.

I believe it would break my heart
if we failed at it.

We're not blaming you, Mrs. Bush.
But we can't afford to take any chances.

If we're married by tomorrow, we have
a chance at a top radio program.

It's a breakfast show. And we'll be a fine,
wholesome, young American couple...

having a bit of good, clean, nauseating fun
over the bacon and eggs every morning.

- Oh.
- However revolting this may appear to you...

it means a very pretty penny to Miss,
uh, Goody Two-Shoes and to me.

And besides,
we love each other.

That's right too.

We naturally wouldn't want anything
fouled up right here at the post.

Who's gonna foul it up?
All I got to do is read it out of the book.

Well, I'm sorry, but this
is my first time out too.

And I think I'd rather have it handled by
somebody who's already up on the part.

- Wouldn't you, doll baby?
- Would you really like to see an old hand take charge here?

May I see the book?
Page 46.

- Uh, we'll need another witness too.
- Oh, that's right.

- It starts right about there.
- Yeah, I see.

- For Heaven's sake, you're right.
- Hey, you, take off your coat.

You're not being married
in a pool room.

- Say, how do you know so much about...
- Don't ask. You got the ring?

"My friends, we are gathered here
on this occasion... "

Hold it, Judge.
Wait till I give you the cue.

Oh, um, come along. Come along.
Right under here, huh?

Uh, you stay there, laughing boy.

All right now, "Silent Night. "

- Now all we need is...
- Silent night

Holy night

- Ready, White Fang?
- Ready, Panther Girl.

All is bright
Round yon...

Take it, Judge.

Dear Senator...

your appeal for a pardon
for your brother-in-law...

- Yes?
- Your Uncle Melvin's here.

Oh, really? Send him in.
Your grandfather's here.

- Hello, honey. How are you?
- Hi, Grandpa.

- How's Grandma?
- Oh, she's fine, I guess. I...

How are you, Uncle Melvin.
What brings you up here?

I don't know. Frank called me up
on the phone last night...

and told me
to be here at 11:00.

Yes?

- The attorney general's here.
- Send him in.

Here he is now.

How are you, Cousin Frank?

- You dope.
- You see, that's the way he was to me over the phone last night.

This is a letter to my office from
the attorney general's office in California.

There's a woman out there named
Gryce who sued for divorce last week...

on the grounds of mental cruelty.

Her husband refused to pass the salt.

She had two eyewitnesses to the charge,
and so the divorce was granted.

- Gryce?
- It was a routine, open-and-shut case...

until it turned out there was no record that
they'd ever been married in the first place.

I seem to remember
that name from someplace.

All this in spite of the fact
that both parties swore in court...

that they had been married
at Gretna Green in this state...

by oneJustice of the Peace Bush.

Oh, I remember. That was the fellow
that gave me the 20 bucks.

Do you remember the date?

Not offhand.
But I got it right here.

I can look it up for you.

I know it was one of
the first couples that I married.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, here it is.

December 27.
Just a couple of days after Christmas.

What about it?

When did you marry
your first couple?

Well, that was the day
I got the appointment.

Christmas Eve.

How many couples did
you marry in that week...

between Christmas Eve
and December 31?

I don't know. Let's see. $96 worth.
It's pretty good, huh?

- Not how much. How many?
- Oh. Oh, uh...

let's see now...
one, two, three, four, five, six.

- Six couples.
- That's it.

- In one week, he laid six time bombs.
- How do you mean?

He jumped the gun.
The appointment was forJanuary 1...

and this clown began marrying people
before he had the authority.

Well, I got the letter
that said I was appointed...

and I thought it meant right then.

Didn't you even read the letter?

Well, not all of it.

One down and five to go.

- What can we do about it?
- Nothing.

Just sit here and wait
for them to blow up.

Bang, bang, bang, bang... one after
the other all over the country...

until one day one of them
hits the newspapers.

And then it'll be the biggest scandal since
that mink coat got into the White House.

Well, can't we pass some kind of a law?

- What kind of a law?
- Why don't we just write and tell them?

- Write who?
- The couples.

- And tell them what?
- That they're not married. That's all.

- Just like that.
- Okay, if you want to dress it up a bit...

just say somebody gummed up
the works and it's a misdeal.

- And then what?
- And let them take it from there.

- What about that?
- Won't work.

- Why not?
- Too simple.

As a matter of fact, I think it's
pretty good. Let me have that book.

Anyway, it's better than sitting around
here with our fingers in our ears.

You can keep that book. I got it all
copied down in another book anyway.

Good luck to all of you.

We can scratch the Gryces, and we'll
have five left. So that's what we'll do.

A nice, quiet letter on the
governor's stationery to each couple...

explaining the situation
and letting them take it from there.

Take this, will you?

Uh, Dear Mr. and Mrs. Blank.

Due to a most lamentable
misunderstanding...

the ceremony that
joined you in marriage...

was performed by
Justice of the Peace...

Melvin Bush...

before the authorized date
of his appointment.

Accordingly, we're
compelled to inform you...

that you are not legally married.

- There's Mr. Gladwyn.
- Shall I?

- Go on.
- Mr. Gladwyn...

Mr. Gladwyn, I just want to tell you
what a great and wonderful thing...

you and Mrs. Gladwyn did for me.

My husband and I were... well, for a while,
there was a little situation.

You know how it is sometimes.

But we're both great admirers
of your program. We never miss it.

And in the end, the example
you set to everyone...

with your great love and happiness...

it brought us together again.

Are you insane?

Morning, Henry.

Thank you
very much indeed.

- Boy.
- We have a wonderful script this morning. Eight new sponsors.

When the revolution comes,
Mr. Graves, the first blow struck...

will be against programs that mention more
than 25 sponsors during the first 10 minutes.

Did you drop some flug in this cup?

No. But then, I didn't think of it.

What do you mean? That's McKeester's
Vita-Fresh, one of our own products.

I know. We're gonna be arrested yet
for hustling this laundry juice.

Say, what happened to that fella?
Remember the...

Remember the fella tried that
breakfast food we recommended?

Is his widow still kicking up a fuss?

No. We're okay there, I think. We gave her
two tickets to the Doodles Weaver Show.

You can't kid me.
With all this muck we're peddling...

Mrs. Gruesome and I are gonna
end up in an electric love seat yet.

- Who are the new chumps?
- Well, we have Primoff's Preshrunk Piccalilli.

- Preshrunk by whom?
- They wash it first in alum, stupid.

If you don't mind,
I wasn't speaking to you.

- Now listen, blubberhead...
- Please, kids, not today. You promised me.

Well, then, tell him
to keep his big bazoo shut.

I ask for very little on this program.

Simply that Mrs. Gladwyn drop dead.

- I've told you...
- You've got to stop it, I tell you.

I can't stand it any longer. If you've
got to fight, fight at home, not here.

We can't fight at home.
We don't speak there.

I'll say one thing about
our marriage...

if there's such a thing
as an "unjackpot," I've hit it.

I can't understand you two.

With the best Mr. and Mrs. program on
the air paying you 5,000 bucks a week...

why can't you figure out
a way to get along together?

Why, if it ever got out to
the papers the way you fight...

Who is the next on the list?

Next we have
Twombley's Miracle Skin Food.

- For those hungry little pores?
- It's the customary way.

I don't know how
other people feel about it...

but my pores are gonna eat
exactly what the rest of me eats.

I don't care
if they're starving, I am not...

May we have the next one?

Next we've got Pasternak's Factory
Tested Pussy-willow Mattresses.

Know 'em well.
They're stuffed with cat hair.

They're the kind they hang on walls in
insane asylums... And don't you say it!

Don't say what? I don't know
what on earth you're talking about!

- You were gonna make a crack.!
- I wasn't gonna say...

- You were gonna say something about where I came from.
- Ramona, my dear...

- he never opened his mouth.
- Well, he was going to. I know him.

He never muffed a line like that in his life.
He never misses an opportunity.

- Who's dead?
- This is more like it.

Well, what's it say?

- Oh, no.!
- Yes, yes.

Oh, I don't believe it.
Look.

Oh, it's like
a beautiful dream come true.

It's like sweet bells
across the countryside at twilight.

This is dreadful.
You'll have to get remarried at once.

I mean it!
This is a Mr. and Mrs. program.

You may not be happy, but, by Godfrey,
you're supposed to be married anyway.

Go away, little man, go away.

This news has unseated
this poor fellow's reason.

I'll have to see
Mr. Twitchell about this immediately.

What a glorious day it is, to be sure.

If there were birds this high, they'd be
singing away like a choir of Mario Lanzas.!

- Gladwyn. Let's get organized here.
- Yes, Mr. Twitchell?

What is all this nonsense about your
not wanting to get married again?

Well, it's true, sir. Heaven has finally
blessed our union with a little annulment.

Well, I'm afraid you'll
have to skip it this time.

We've got a nice set-up here, and if
you're not married, we're cooked.

They'd laugh us off the air
if our all-American couple...

blew a gasket in
the middle of the wheatcakes.

Check on a church or something for these
people to get married again right away.

- Congratulations, folks.
- Just a minute there.

- Yes?
- You're a little ahead of yourself, Mr. Twitchell.

- We're not getting married again.
- Why not?

Because Mrs. Gladwyn and I have built
too many of our hopes on this day...

to have our happiness destroyed
with the wave of a hand.

In addition to which,
I can't stand him.

What were you two doing before
we put this little bundle together?

Well, I was a news commentator with
a small, but highly regarded program...

The News Behind the News
Behind the News.

Two hundred a week tops.
And you?

I was the Blueberry Muffin girl
on WHAM.

One and a quarter at the outside.
And what are you getting here?

- Five thousand a week.
- See what I mean?

- You've forgotten one thing, haven't you, Mr. Twitchell?
- What's that?

- The contract.
- What contract?

A contract dated April 18 for five
straight years at five G's a week...

drawn up by the United States Broadcasting
Company and signed by Mr. and Mrs...

That's it.

Now I'll give you until noon to make up
your minds what you want to do next.

- You rockhead.
- Now just a minute...

You certainly handled
that one like a champion.

So why didn't you take over,
you're so smart?

You mean step in front
of Mr. Brains himself?

Yes. This is a free country.
We have free speech here.

- No one was holding his hand over your mouth.
- Steve, please, we're on.

Now you keep out of this! Who insisted
that we sign that contract Mr. and Mrs.?

I told you then we should
sign it individually. I told you...

What do you mean I insisted
upon signing it Mr. and Mrs?

It was your lawyer, that crook friend
of yours, who told me what to do.

I told you then it was
absolutely ridiculous...

Francis X. Moriarty is not a crook.

He's a very highly regarded Harvard man...

- and also one of the biggest mouthpieces in New York.
- You're on, honey.

- and also one of the biggest mouthpieces in New York.
- You're on, honey.

Holy Moses!

9:00 and a good good morning
to all America...

from that all-American couple,
The Glad Gladwyns.

From their cozy little nest
in the metropolis of dreams...

as American as mince pie
and sugar cookies...

Steve and Ramona Gladwyn bring you
at this hour every morning...

their own daily bag of fun,
gossip and helpful hints...

the latest from
the wonder world of New York.

So settle back for 15 minutes
of relaxation and diversion...

while we take you to the homey little
breakfast table of Steve and Ramona Gladwyn.

- Good morning, darling.
- Good morning, angel.

Oh, but you look so rested
this wonderful morning, sweetheart.

Yes, thanks to our luscious Pasternak
Factory Tested Pussy-willow Mattress...

the mattress that takes
all of the guesswork out of sleeping.

So soft, so restful.

And only $17.50
at Muckenfuss Brothers.

Yes. Only the hearts of
the tender pussy-willows are used.

- Breakfast ready, Macushla?
- Yes, Papa mia.

- Here's your coffee.
- Thank you, doll.

Ah, what coffee.
What aromatic fragrance. It must be...

- You're right, love.
- I knew it, I knew it.

Yes, it's McKeester's
Vita-fresh coffee...

the coffee with that locked-up goodness
for everybody, grind or drip.

Quick, precious, another cup.

There you are.

- Ahh. - Peach-fuzz, you've
spilled some on your vest.

Oh, goody. Now I can try some
of that little Panther Spot Remover.

No harsh rubbing.

Just spray a little Panther on
your vest and watch it eat the spot out.

And imagine, darling, a big,
two-ounce bottle for only $3.00.

Or if you are a messy eater, there's
the handy, economical 40-gallon vat.

Oh, darling, what juicy gossip
I have for our listeners this morning.

Stop, Ramona, don't you
dare move, Ramona.

- But, darling...
- What have you done to your hair?

That sheen, that brilliance.

Why, I did just what so many
society women are doing these days.

I went to Madame Yvonne's
Hairdo Heaven.

It is divine. Your head
looks like the back of a bunny.

Madame Yvonne uses
a sensational hair dressing.

It contains that new
mystery ingredient... chicken fat.

Chicken fat?

Ah, our canary... littleJascha.

My, but doesn't littleJascha
sound glorious this morning?

And I bet I just know
what he's saying too.

LittleJascha is saying, " Thanks.

"Gee willikers,
Mumsy and Dadsy...

"thanks for feeding me that swell
Dr. Groober's three-way birdseed...

that comes in 15 and 25-cent
packages tailored to fit the beak. "

- And what a happy little
birdkin he is, to be sure.

And why not, Sugar? Jascha knows that
the paper on the bottom of his cage...

is New York's leading daily...
The Morning Record.

The Morning Record has 32 columnists,
28 pages of comics and no news.

Oh, excuse me, apple honey.

I have a letter here from Mrs. T.S. Button
of Moth Holes, Idaho.

Mrs. Button had a splitting
headache for 40 years...

till she heard of
Pepto-Bepto on our program.

Only Pepto-Bepto is
guaranteed to fizz twice...

once before you drink it
and once after.

Good morning, Mumsy and Dadsy.

Why, it's our little
three-year-old daughter Irene.

Irene, pet, I love the way
your tooth is shining this morning.

Yes. I brushed it with Dr. Pratt's
Homogenized Toothpaste.

And what does Dr. Pratt's
toothpaste do, baby?

Dr. Pratt's Homogenized Toothpaste...

gets into your mouth,
rolls up its sleeves...

and really does a job
on your filthy old fangs.

- Isn't she cute?
- Now run along to school, baby.

- Now, Papa, I want you to...
- Mama...

we don't have to send
their money back.

They're crazy about each other.

Yes, but I don't know if that's
the right way to look at it, Papa.

You can't just fool around
with people's lives like that.

This is a serious responsibility.

Now, if all these people
are not really married...

well, I don't know if it's
honest to keep their money.

Why should I send their money back when they're
just as happy as if they were really married?

- But that's not the point, Melvin.
- Now, look, Mama...

when these people get that
letter from the governor...

they'll have a choice
that other people never get.

Now, if they like each other,
all they got to do is to say yes again.

And if they don't, well, it's all over
and that's the end of it.

Who else ever got a second chance
like that for a few bucks?

- Well, if you say so.
- People that lucky ought to be sendingmemoney.

Well, that leaves four more couples
that you married that week.

- Well, who's next?
- Next...

Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson D. Norris
Senatobia, Mississippi.

Oh, yes. That was that cute, shy,
little girl and that jerk of a fella.

Why, he wasn't any jerk at all.

He just had a lot of foolish ideas about
who was gonna be boss in the house.

Yeah, that's what I said, a jerk.

But that little girl, wasn't she cute?

You remember how she blushed
about everything?

Mrs. Hattiesberg!

Mrs. Coldwater.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

the winner and new state champion...

Mrs. Senatobia!

- Like her?
- Boy, that's really something.

- My wife.
- Oh, I beg your pardon.

- Oh, that's all right. Keep looking.
- Much obliged.

Let's go.

Excuse me.

- Don't worry now, honey.
- Tell me, are you going to carry this idea out in other states?

Oh, definitely.
Definitely in other states. Yes.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, darling. Hi, sweetheart.

- I'll see you later.
- Come on, come on. The governor's waiting.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Now open your mouth.

Open your mouth.

That's a good boy.

Good? That good?

Yeah, told you Mommy would
be home soon. There she is now.

- Hiya, Mommy.
- Hiya, darling.

Make it snappy, will ya?

- Is she going out again?
- Yeah, we're going to that Legion party.

I want to get the Legion
to back us to Atlantic City.

But she's already been out all day.

Look, we got to get the financing done.
Now hurry her up, will you, please?

I cooked the supper already.

I'm terribly sorry, honey. It's very
important tonight. Is Bitsy all right?

He's all right.
I don't know whether I am or not.

- Don't you want your wife to go to Atlantic City?
- Well, sure, but...

All right.
Give her a break then, will ya?

We're up against
a tough proposition here.

It ain't like this Miss America business.
They're loaded.

They got the backing of everybody.

Pullman drawing rooms, hotel suites,
limousines... everything you can think of.

We're just getting started
with Mrs. America.

We got to hustle
for everything we get.

- Will Miss Mississippi really have a limousine?
- You bet your life she will.

If we get the backing of the Legion
tonight, we'll have one too.

What we got to do is to get this thing
set before the finals next Saturday.

If we haven't booked
a sponsor before then, we're dead.

We won't have enough money to take us
to Memphis, much less Atlantic City.

- How many rooms?
- How many rooms where?

- In Miss Mississippi's suite.
- Oh, two, three. I don't know.

- Both ways?
- Both ways what?

Miss Mississippi's drawing room.

Open your mouth!

Come on, open it. Come on.

Where's Mrs. Norris?
At the office?

Why don't you just deliver the mail
and save those jokes for your wife?

- Hiya, honey. How's Bitsy?
- Don't make any noise.

- No luck?
- We got half of it.

That's all they said they could afford.

We may have to take a swing
through that Delta country yet.

You still think you got a chance?

Oh, we'll make it all right.
No question about that.

Just that we'll have to
hustle a little harder, that's all.

He's asleep.
Did you give him the prune stuff?

Gave him the prune stuff,
washed the dishes...

mopped the kitchen,
darned three pair of socks.

- Oh, darling, I'm terribly sorry.
- Mm, I remember.

This seems like a lot of worry, but when
she's Mrs. America, you'll laugh at it.

She's gonna be one of the most
famous women in the United States...

and dough will roll in faster
than you can count it.

- How?
- Why, through personal appearances, of course.

Nightclubs, radio, movies,
things like that.

No nightclubs in Senatobia
that I know of.

Maybe not, but there are
plenty of them other places.

New York, Chicago, Hollywood.

London, Paris, Rome.

And all this time I'm supposed
to be hanging out the diapers?

Why, certainly not.
You'll be right with her.

- Is that really the way you figure it?
- Why, of course.

Well, I'm gonna be
with her, all right...

but it's not gonna be in New York
or Paris or any of those other places.

I'm gonna be with her
right here in Senatobia...

in this very house
where we are now.

And if there are any more diapers to
be hung out, she's gonna hang 'em.

- What do you mean, Jeff?
- 'Cause you're not going anywhere anymore.

You have been scratched.

You are now the ex-Mrs. Mississippi.

What's he talking about?

- But what does it mean?
- Just what it says.

What I wired
the National Committee this afternoon.

But, Jeff...

That due to very
unusual circumstances...

our marriage wasn't legal...

and you are no longer
eligible for the contest.

You mean it means
we're not married anymore?

It does.

Darling, how wonderful!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the winner...

and new state champion...

Miss Mississippi!

Here, hold this, will ya?

Thank you.

- Do you know her?
- Yeah. My fianc?e.

- Oh, I beg your pardon.
- That's all right. Go ahead and look.

I got to get used to it sooner or later.

There's your mommy.

There's your mommy. Wave to
your mommy. Wave to your mommy.

That's it.
Wave to your mommy.

Well, I guess we can
send theirs back.

- Who's next?
- Next...

Mr. and Mrs. Hector C. Woodruff,
Lannhasset, Long Island, New York.

- Oh, I remember... a 10 and five ones.
- Now which were they?

Oh, don't you remember that gabby couple
that came down from New York?

- Talk, talk, talk all the time. Nothing but talk.
- Of course.

He helped her in, helped her out,
helped her back in the car...

hugging and kissing
and talking all the time.

Yakety-yak-yak-yak-yak.

- Hello, dear.
- Hi.

- Hello, Katie.
- Hi.

- Hot in town today?
- Terrible.

Madge called today.

From Peekskill.

What'd she have to say?

Oh, nothing much.

I spent a night in Peekskill once.

Book of the Month came today.

What was it?

- What was what?
- The book this month.

Oh. I don't know.
I haven't opened it yet.

Remember that?

What is it?

- Don't you remember that night in the Latin Quarter?
- No.

Sure you remember. The night
we got mixed up with all those Texans.

We all got higher
than kites, remember...

then we moved the party on up to
my place and kept it going for two days.

Don't you remember?

- No. And you know why not?
- Why?

That wasn't me
with you that night.

Oh. No?

I've never been in
the Latin Quarter in my life.

I could have sworn it was you.

Barbara, probably.

If it wasn't you,
I don't remember who it was.

Or that girl with those wonderful,
big gums. What was her name?

Why do you keep saying that? Her gums
weren't any bigger than anybody else's.

Or maybe it was Frankie.

I don't even know a Frankie.

Wasn't that her name? That fat one
you picked up at a bus stop.

Francesca.
And she wasn't fat either.

She looked like a bag
full of watermelons.

Cut it out, will ya?

Well, anyway...

that's the piece they
kept playing that night.

Where you going?

To get the book.

Monday?

I'll be there, baby.

Tuesday?

Look for me, sweet stuff.

Wednesday?

If I can wait.

Thursday?

Thursday.

Friday?

Friday.

Saturday?

Fat, my eye.

It's a big one this month.

What is that burning?

Just another one
of those sucker ideas.

- Well?
- Oh, I guess so.

- Who's next?
- Next...

Mr. and Mrs.
Frederic S. Melrose...

- Dallas, Texas.
- Ah, now there's a fellow I really liked.

- Twenty-five dollars.
- Yeah, he was a wonderful fellow.

He must be worth a zillion.

Freddie?

Darling, that place
you go to in New Orleans...

- That's right, New Orleans.
- Is it fun there?

Do you mean for me?

No. I mean nice restaurants
with music and dancing, like that.

Oh, I imagine so.
I never tried it myself.

- Now, don't you ever go out in the evenings?
- No.

But what do you do after you're
through with your business...

go straight back to the hotel?

As a rule, yes. Occasionally, I drop in
somewhere for a bowl of puffed rice first.

How would you like me to fly down
and join you there one night?

Maybe tonight. And we took a look around
the town together, just for the fun of it.

In-Indeed I would, poochy.

Uh, we-we might have
another shot at the rhumba, eh?

What time do you get through
with your business?

Oh, 9:30, 10:00, something like that.
I could meet you.

Wouldn't be necessary.

I'll have dinner on the plane, take a taxi
straight to the hotel. No trouble at all.

- What hotel is it?
- You know, the Calvin Coolidge, where I always stay.

All right then, it is a date.

Absolutely, and a jolly good one too.

Look here, do you think I should have a
cold bottle of the bubbly waiting for you?

That's the idea.

It'll be there. And more
where that came from.

- You won't change your mind, now will you?
- Don't be silly.

You just be there in the room,
you and the champagne.

And I'll take care of the rest of it.

- We-We'll be there, all right.
- Oh, yes.

And don't forget
to register for me.

Why, of course not.

I'm sorry I'm late.
Uh, is that the bedroom?

- Yes.
- Thank you.

You know, I'm so mad I could spit.

My watch stopped. I kept thinking
it looked mighty late to be 9:30.

I'm afraid we're a bit
at sixes and sevens, aren't we?

What do you mean,
sixes and sevens?

Well, uh, I'm afraid
you have the wrong room.

Oh, have I?

- Isn't this 907? Melrose?
- Yes.

- Well, that's my name...
- We're okay, honey.

- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, did you shut that door?

- What? Yes.
- Open it, will you?

- But I...
- Go ahead. Open it. They'll be here in a minute.

Oh, really?

Thanks.

- You Melrose?
- Yes. May I ask who you are?

And where is Mrs. Melrose?

She's not here.
I'm expecting her a little later.

- Getting ready to throw a big one, eh?
- Now look here, my good man...

- Who's the dame?
- I haven't the faintest idea.

- Not the missus?
- Certainly not. This young woman just walked in here.

- I never saw her before...
- You guys get that?

- Got it.
- That's all, pal. Good night.

- Now look here. I demand an explanation of this.!
- Good night.

Good night, Mr. Melrose.

Good night.

- Yes?
- Mrs. Melrose is here.

Is she alone?

No, sir.

Tell them to come in, please.

Good morning, uh, Eve.

- This is my attorney, Mr. Stone.
- How do you do?

- We're not liable to be interrupted here, are we?
- No, I'm afraid not.

- You met Mr. Magnus, I believe.
- Oh, yes, of course...

Oh, you. Now see here,
uh, uh, this man...

Uh, just a moment, please.

Sit down, Mrs. Melrose.

- I understand you're not contesting the divorce action.
- No, but...

You're smart. Because I hate to think
of the job we could do on you...

if you tried to get tough about it.

Now look here.
That's not it, at all.

I'm not opposing Mrs. Melrose's
action for divorce...

for the simple reason that I have no wish
to hold her against her will.

If I had suspected
for one moment that she...

no longer loved me...

Okay, then, we can get
to the meat and potatoes.

You know what a property
settlement is, don't you?

- Why, of course.
- Uh, sit down, will you?

And you know about the community
property law we've got in this state?

In a sense.

Well, the sense in this case is that Mrs.
Melrose is already entitled, under the law...

to 50% of the estate.

- Fifty percent?
- One half of the total.

So that part of it we don't
even have to discuss.

Well, look here, th-that
doesn't seem quite fair to me.

Uh, well, does it to you?

Yes, but think ofhow
it simplifies the situation.

- How do you mean?
- With that much of it settled...

all we have to discuss now is
how much of your half she wants.

My half? Look here, I think I'd better
get my lawyer, Mr. Longstreet.

You may take my word for
it that you'll be very sorry if you do.

I've got a list of
your assets here somewhere.

Mrs. Melrose has had some difficulty
in locating some of the items...

but the law takes a very stern
view of concealed assets.

So I'm sure we can count on
your cooperation in completing it.

Now see here. If you think
I'm going to give Mrs. Melrose...

one cent more
than she's entitled to...

y- you're wasting your time.

- You're not?
- I am not. And that's final.

Mr. Melrose, I had hoped we could
all be spared this embarrassment...

but if you're going to be
unreasonable about this...

I have no course but to remind you that there
are laws in this country... criminal laws...

against the kind of entertainment you
have permitted yourself on business trips.

- Do I make myself clear?
- Criminal laws?

Entirely aside from the divorce action,
there are aspects of this case...

that would be of the greatest interest
to the district attorney...

if we chose to call
his attention to them.

You-You wouldn't dare do that.
This was obviously a frame-up.

I... I never saw that
hotel woman in my life.

Would you like to explain that
to a judge and jury?

Well, I...
I most certainly would.

You tell them that,
we'll show them this.

Well, you can bet your...

Is that your handwriting or not?

Well, let's see what we have here.

First, of course,
is the Willow Avenue house.

I'd better keep that to live in.

- Yes. And contents, of course.
- Of course.

Uh, we'll send you your clothes.

Next is the checking account
at the Seventh National Bank.

I'll need that, too,
for running expenses.

Yes, we'd better slap
a court order on that one immediately...

before he writes any more checks.

But I-I'm a little short already.

Next looks like the jackpot...
the AT&T stock.

You really went to town on that one,
didn't you? 30,000 shares.

That's the one
I'mreallyinterested in.

It's blackmail.
That's all it is. It's blackmail!

Please, Mr. Melrose,
Mrs. Melrose is still your wife.

Next, we have two cars...
one limousine and one jeep.

- I'll take the limousine.
- A very wise choice.

Government bonds to
the value of, let's see now...

uh, $1,000... 11...

Oh, uh, yes?

- The Polhausers are here.
- Oh, I'll be right out.

- Oh, send them away.
- Oh, I'll-I'll see them outside.

Will you excuse me, please?

Uh, excuse me.

Get Mr. Longstreet
on the phone, quickly.

Tropic-45267?

Mr. Melrose
for Mr. Longstreet, please.

Oh, would you try to locate him?
It's very important.

He's out of his office.
I'm waiting.

Oh, would you like to see the mail?

This one looks important.
From the governor's office.

Thank you. I'll wait.

Mr. Longstreet on the phone.

I don't need him now.

What... Oh! Oh!

Oh, uh, permit me.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, shall we proceed?

Oh, thanks.

Now then, government bonds
to the value of 125,000.

228,000.

- 228,000?
- That's right.

- Thank you.
- Not at all.

Next, we have a one-third interest in
the Melrose Production Corporation...

with an estimated value of $100,000.

I'd venture to say that that valuation...

would come closer to, uh, $300,000.

300,000?

I should think so,
give or take a few thousand.

- Thank you.
- Not at all.

Next, 500 shares Metropolitan
Concrete Corporation with...

Eight hundred.

- What is this?
- I beg your pardon?

What is this, all of a sudden
you're so cooperative?

Well, didn't you tell me...

that it's illegal to conceal assets?

Oh, yes. Of course.

I see.

Now, uh, if you will permit me
to have a look at this list...

I think I might be able to save
all of us a bit of time.

Let me see here.

Ah, very good.

Very good indeed.

Oh, this one's a bit short...
a few thousand.

Uh, I'm afraid she's under
on Consolidated...

but only a few thousand dollars.

Well, as far as I can see,
she has overlooked...

only two items of any
consequence whatsoever.

- There is the, uh, safe deposit box...
- Where?

Hmm? Uh, Title Trust.

Should be a goodly sum
there, you know.

Oh, quite, you know.

Then there's my interest
in that Florida hotel.

Suppose I jot them both down.

- This, of course, is round numbers.
- Yeah.

Now will you sign that?

- Oh, uh, uh, thank you.
- Oh, yes.

Thank you so much. I...
Why not sign it?

It's quite accurate now.
There.

I'll have the contract drawn up
and ready for you this afternoon.

Whenever you say.

All right then. Let's go.

- Eve, this is the end, I suppose.
- It is.

Then might I have, perhaps, just one or
two moments with you before you go?

Sure.

Good day.

I'm afraid I have a confession
to make to you, my dear.

- Yes?
- In my distress over this wretched business...

in my resentment, actually...

I've been tempted to hold
out of this settlement...

what is probably the most valuable
of all our joint assets.

But now, in these, our last
few moments together...

I find... I can't.

I don't think my conscience would
give me another day's peace...

if I were to try
to withhold from you...

It's just a few simple words...

on a simple sheet of paper...

but take it, my dear,
and bless you.

Oh, no.! No.!

Miss O'Brien?

- Yes, sir?
- Are the two gentlemen still there?

- Yes, sir.
- Please tell them for me...

that they may drop in any time now
and pick up their client.

Yes, sir.

- Any more?
- One more.

Mr. and Mrs. Wilson Boswell Fisher,
Richmond, Virginia.

Uh, that was the couple whose fathers
came chasing after them.

He was going in the army,
and she was that cute little steno...

Oh...

All right, break it up.

Come on.
Get the lead out.

- Oh, honey, dear.
- Everybody aboard.

All right, Fisher, let's get rolling.

Well, come on!

Did you tell her what time?

Sure. I told her last night.
I'll have to write to her.

Willie!

There she is!
Hey, Patsy! Patsy!

Willie, the doctor says we are! Willie!

I'll write all about it!

- What did she say?
- She said the doctor says you are.

- Are what?
- What do you think are what?

No!

Sarge, can you step back
to the smoker for just a second?

- What is it?
- Willie Fisher's in something of a situation.

I could've sworn it.

- What's the trouble?
- Willie's gonna have a baby.

Oh, yeah?

All I know is she was going
to the doctor this morning...

and that's what she hollered
to me in front of everybody.

No matter where you hear it,
it's always a surprise.

But it looks like they got a little
complication here. Show him the letter.

Oh, on top of everything else,
I gotta get this.

- Well!
- That's the way I figure it too.

- Looks like you hit the jackpot.
- What do you mean?

If this was on the level, you don't
have to pay this dame a nickel.

Who's talking about nickels?
This is serious stuff!

Somebody's trying to throw
a curve at my kid!

- How do you mean?
- It's like this, Sarge.

If he ain't married, like it says
in the letter, how about the kid?

Will he be what they say... legitimate?

Oh.

What I mean...
We're headed for overseas...

and I can figure on marrying
again when I get back.

But what if I don't get back?

What about the kid then?

- Will he be... all right?
- No.

But it's not our fault, Sarge! It's their fault!
If they don't know how to run their business...

The law don't care whose fault it is.

If you ain't married
when the kid is born, it's a foul ball.

But what can he do?
He don't want to leave no foul ball.

Marry her again, I guess,
if that's the way he sees it.

But how? We gonna get
some leave before we sail?

Nope. We're going aboard tomorrow
afternoon and sail tomorrow night.

But in a case like this,
couldn't you explain it to the C.O.?

What's he got to do with it?
This is orders from the old man.

There's only one thing
I can think of for you to do.

- What's that?
- Try not to get shot.

What's the matter with him?
Who don't try not to get shot?

Looks like we're coming to a town.

- This is awful.
- He could be wrong too, remember.

No, no. That's the way
it looks to me too.

I can't have people
pointing the finger at my kid.

I gotta do something
about it, Pinky.

- This is the kind of a thing
can ruin his whole life.

- Well, look. He ain't even born yet.
- Born or no born...

- Take care of my stuff, will you, Pinky?
- What are you gonna do?

- I'll see you on the boat.
- You're crazy. They'll stick you in Leavenworth.

Ain't nobody gonna point
the finger at my kid!

Wait a minute, Willie!
You crazy nut!

Hello, airport? What time's
the next plane to the port?

No space? I've gotta have space!
I've gotta get the...

Oh. Okay.
Well, thanks anyway.

Where's the marriage
license bureau?

Down at the end of the corridor,
turn to your right.

- Hi. How late are you open?
- Five o'clock.

Five o'clock. Thank you.

Cuddles, Cuddles

I forget all my troubles

When I'm with Cuddles

Cuddles, Cuddles

I forget all my...

You on the lam or somethin'

Cuddles, Cuddles

Hey, Patsy!

Patsy.!

Cuddles, Cuddles

I forget...

- How about a cup of java?
- Okay.

- You after some guy?
- Why?

Take a look in yonder.

What's he look like?

Patsy.! Hey, Patsy.!
Come here, quick.!

- What on earth is it, Willie?
- Hurry. It closes at 5:00.

What is it?

What is it, Willie?

We got a kid comin',
and we ain't married.

That blubberhead that married us didn't
have his commission or something.

- Who says so?
- The government says so. They wrote me a letter.

If we're not married
when the kid is born...

Listen, mister, me and my wife have gotta
get a license. We've gotta get married.

- We're closed. It's after 5:00.
- We gotta have that license!

I'm sailin' tonight,
and we've gotta be married.

This kid's gonna have a baby, and I'm
not gonna leave her here not married.

- Come on, will ya?
- Well, I'd certainly like to do whatever I could.

- All right, then let's have it.
- There's an application.

I know. Where's the pen?
Oh. Come here, honey.

Groom's name. Age.

Color. Occupation.

What about that one?
Number six?

"Singled, widowed or divorced?
Check one. "

Gee whiz.

I think it's single.

What about the other time?

Well, you can fix it up down here
where it says, "Number this marriage. "

- First.
- No, second.

- That'll fix it, won't it?
- Well, it'll either fix it or us.

- Still two bucks, I reckon.
- That's right. Thank you very much.

You got the book to marry us?

Oh, no. I can't marry you.
I'm not allowed to.

But who marries us?

There's a justice of the peace right across
the street, next to the lunch room.

- Is he open?
- Oh, yes.

He's been giving 24-hour service
ever since we got the naval base here.

- Next to the lunch room, did you say?
- That's right.

If he's not in his office,
look in the lunch room.

- He may be having a cup of coffee.
- Thanks. Thanks very much.

- I can't tell you how much we really appreciate this.
- I told him all that, honey.

All I need now is to get picked up
by those M.P. baboons.

There they are.

See thatJ.P.'s office over there?

- Yes.
- We gotta get over there fast.

I got it. You cross over
and swing it a little.

- What?
- Just a little so those apes will keep their eyes on you.

- Understand?
- All right, but what are you gonna do?

I'll meet you over there. Just give me a
second to get started, then you take off.

Not too much, you understand.

I understand.

- Well, hiya, Vic.
- Hi, Ned.

- After somebody?
- Yeah, some guy without a pass, I guess.

All right. Where's the judge?

Oh. Come on.

Judge?

It's the star drive. Fix it.

So long, Judge.

- Be seeing you, Judge.
- Good afternoon.

You got a commission that says
you have the right to marry people?

- Why, of course...
- Let me see it.

Certainly. There it is.

Nothing personal. It's just that
I took a guy's word for it once.

- Where's the date?
- Right there.

Thanks. Okay.
We want to get married.

- Uh, have you a marriage license?
- Yeah. Right here, sir.

Come here, honey.

A physical report?

- A physical what?
- You'll have to have a physical report too.

- Is that the law?
- In this state it is.

But what about I'm the army?
Ain't that physical enough?

I'm afraid not. But it's a very simple matter.
Any physician can fix you up.

- There's one around...
- Willie! Willie, we just can't do it.

- What do you mean?
- We can't do it because we're gonna have a baby.

But I...

Not after we wrote that we
were single. Don't you see?

Oh, yeah. Uh, look, Judge.

Mrs. Fisher and I are in
a little sort of a situation here.

Uh, couldn't you just skip it,
just this once? For a sawbuck, maybe?

- Don't be ridiculous.
- But the fact is, if she went to a physician...

I just won't do it, that's all!

I simply won't do it!

I'd rather take a chance, Willie!

I can't understand what
she's so worried about.

- It's only a blood test.
- You mean, just a jab in the thumb?

- That's all.
- Okay. Where's the nearest doctor?

Just a couple of doors from here,
on the other side of the lunch room.

Ain't there anyplace in this town
that ain't next door to that lunch room?

- Come on, honey.
- But they'll catch us!

Don't argue!
I'm gonna be hung as it is.

- Is the doc in?
- Have you an appointment?

No, but we want a physical report
to be married right away.

Will you sit down?
He'll be free in just a moment.

Way over.

He said it's just a blood test.

All they do is jab you in the thumb.

On my desk.

Yes, sir, he's a nice fellow.

I've always liked him.

- Well, Doc, we'll be seeing you.
- Drop in again, both of you.

You got a pass, soldier?

Which was it?
Your husband or your boyfriend?

- Both.
- On the same ship?

What business is it of yours?

None, of course. But there might be
something I could do for you.

Aren't you a little old
for this kind of cruising?

A little old, for one thing.
And for another, I'm a chaplain.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't see your cross.

That's all right.
It's rather flattering, in fact.

Now, now do you feel
like talking about it a bit?

What's the use now?

Well, how can we tell until
I know what the problem is?

It's not use now.
It's too late.

But, oh, Padre, how we
could've used you two hours ago.

Come on.

Already?

They're gonna put you on
for the floor show.

- Standing by, sir.
- Okay.

Come on! Come on!

All right, Fisher,
over here. Sit down.

All set?

Go ahead, sir.

- Willie?
- Yes, sir?

- Sit down. That's coming from the speaker.
- Yes, sir.

- Dearly beloved...
- Attention.

we are gathered together here in the sight
of God and in the face of this company...

tojoin together this man and
this woman in holy matrimony.

Patricia Reynolds...

wilt thou have this man
for thy wedded husband?

I will.

Wilson Boswell Fisher...

wilt thou have this woman
for thy wedded wife?

Are you sure this is legal, sir?

Answer the man, you jughead!

I will. Really.

Therefore, as a minister
of the gospel ofJesus Christ...

and with the authority
conferred upon me...

I pronounce that
they are man and wife.

May I?

- Hiya, honey.
- Hi, baby doll.

That's all, I'm afraid, dear.

Okay, sir.

Good night, Daddy.

I forget all my trouble

Wilt thou love her, comfort her,
honor and keep her...

in sickness and in health...

All right now, hold it,
everybody, please!

Thank you.

- Ohh.
- Now what?

No rice again.

- Come on.
- Just a minute.

Pardon me, could you spare...
could you spare a little of that rice?

Sure!

Will you join me?

I'd love to.

Do you mind
if I bring a friend?

No! No!

- Okay, Panther Girl?
- Okay, White Fang.