We'll Test It on Humans (2014) - full transcript
With the help of his fly-by-night, documentarian, step brother, a lab worker trying to regain his wife's affection, tests a potentially dangerous love drug on two unsuspecting New York City real estate agents.
(quirky instrumental music)
- Hey, made you a little
bit of coffee, babe.
- I'm quitting coffee.
We had this conversation yesterday.
- I know.
- Do you even listen to me when I talk?
- I just thought you
should wean yourself off.
I don't want you getting a headache.
- I'll be fine.
- Okay.
No more coffee for J-babe.
More coffee for E-babe.
What's wrong, honey?
- What's wrong, Ernie?
What's wrong is the
shitstorm that's going on
in the living room, right now, okay?
It's hard enough having to
clean up after one slob.
(spoon clattering)
- It hurts...
I mean, I feel, I feel upset when--
- Spit it out, Ernie!
- I left one spoon on the counter,
that doesn't make me a slob.
- Honestly, I don't have time
to talk about this right now
because I'm late for work.
Okay, when's he leaving?
- I don't know, I'll ask him today.
- No, I actually want
him out of here today.
Okay?
He smells like a fucking homeless person!
- He is a homeless person.
He's a beginning filmmaker.
- He's not a fucking filmmaker, Ernie!
He's an unemployable sociopath
who has stayed way beyond his welcome,
which he never should have
had in the first place!
No, it's time for the hobo to pick up
his shit and put it on a stick.
- He's my stepbrother, babe.
I can't just throw him out on the street.
- No?
Okay, I will.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I'll talk to him today.
- You better damn well believe you will!
- Now have you thought
about whether or not
you wanna go to therapy together, hon?
(door slamming)
(melancholy piano music)
- Morning, sunshine.
- What are you doing?
How many times have I told you,
it needs to be immaculate out here?
- Sorry, bro, I'm on major
surge of creative energy.
I told you, when I'm in the flow
I can't be bothered with mundane tasks.
- Yeah, that's great, but I've
told you several times now
and apparently you don't
wanna listen to me,
so really, you've left me no other choice.
I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to
put my foot down now, Kurt.
You're gonna have to find
a new place to crash.
(chuckles)
- Oh, you're serious, right?
You know, that's great,
maybe I could actually
put that in the credits of my film.
To my loving brother,
Ernie, who kicked me out
to sleep in a cold steel van
on the first frost of fall.
- No, I got a better idea.
I'll continue living in your filth
as my marriage continues to get destroyed
because of your dirty socks.
(laughs)
- Yeah, 'cause that's it right there.
That's the problem with your marriage.
It's my dirty socks.
- What are you doing?
You can't light that in here.
And since when do you smoke cigarettes?
- All the great directors smoke, bro.
- You're an idiot.
- Will you relax?
I don't inhale.
(Kurt coughing)
- You've never been in a relationship
that lasted more than a month.
You don't know how things
work in a marriage.
- I never wanted a relationship
lasting longer than a month.
But I'm pretty sure a husband acting like
a vagina isn't how things
should work in a marriage.
- Right, right.
Please, Kurt, please enlighten me
with your hard-earned marital truths.
- It shouldn't work.
Marriage is dead.
You can't expect to stay attracted
to the same person for years.
The chemistry runs out.
You should know this shit,
you're the fucking scientist.
- I'm a scientist's assistant.
And none of what you
just said is accurate.
- Okay, scientist or non-scientist
your marriage is a piece of shit.
I'm telling you, just fucking
cut your losses and move on.
Besides, you're gonna want to be single
when I blow up and I'm
a Hollywood baller, bro.
- Would you please shut up?
This is a serious issue in my life.
I mean, I've tried everything, you know?
I try to give her more space.
Try to be a better
listener, despite the fact
that she doesn't listen to
a single word that I say.
Even after I forgave her for the cheating.
- (scoffs) Enough, dude,
fucking enough, man.
Would you look at your life?
You're working 60 hours a week at
a shitty pharmaceutical job
just to pay the mortgage
on that shitty-ass apartment just
to keep living in this
shitty-ass marriage.
Dude, this thing is beyond repair.
- I know.
I know.
- Okay, good.
So what are you gonna do about it?
- I'm gonna drug her.
- What?
- You can't tell anyone this, Kurt.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Swear to me!
- Okay, I swear.
What the fuck are you gonna do?
Wait, you're not gonna
fucking kill her, right?
- No, no, geez, no!
(somber music)
Okay.
Okay.
So there's this new anti-depressant
that we're testing at work.
It's this huge medical breakthrough.
It's tailored, based on
your own specific DNA
to balance your own chemistry.
Anyways, they're currently
testing it on rats.
In one of the early tests
they screwed up the tests,
the scientists switched up the medication.
They gave Rat A's medication
to Rat B and vice versa.
Then the craziest thing happened.
The rats formed a temporary
bond to the other rat's DNA.
They started cuddling.
- [Kurt] Really?
- Yeah, they became like soulmates.
They made love all day long.
They remained completely monogamous,
which is totally un-ratlike.
The scientists even tried to get
these rats to have sex with some
of the other rats, but
they wouldn't do it.
They would only have sex
with their soulmate rat.
Till the effects of the drug wore off.
Then they went right
back to indiscriminately
having sex with all the other rats
and forgot completely
about their soulmate.
(laughs)
- I mean, that's cool, but
what does that have to do...
Oh, dude!
You're not gonna give Joan that shit?
- [Ernie] I don't know, maybe, I--
- Are you fucking crazy, man?
It's only been tested on rats!
- I don't know what else I can do!
- Who knows what the side effects are?
She could sprout a fucking
cock, for Christ's sakes.
You would never forgive yourself.
Man, she has got you more
fucked up than I thought.
- (sighing) Jesus.
- Although...
I suppose if someone were
to do something like this
you could test it on someone else first.
I mean, it's an anti-depressant, right?
So you could find some
really depressed loser.
You'd kind of be doing them a favor, huh?
- Right.
Right.
Right, I could just match him up
with a female test subject
to verify or nullify
the efficacy of the attraction
element of the drug.
At which point I'd discontinue testing
on the female subject to avoid
any potential harmful side effects.
While continuing testing
on the male subject
for the express purpose of
documenting the side effects.
I mean, obviously this would
be a very crude experiment,
but at least I'd have some form of data
that I could base my decision on.
- Oh, this is it.
- [Ernie] What?
- This is fucking it!
- [Ernie] What?
- I'm gonna film this.
(laughs)
This is my documentary masterpiece.
The real life Love Potion Number 9.
- Are you out of your mind?
You wouldn't be filming anything!
If I ever did something
like this and word got out
I'd spend the remainder
of my life in prison!
- Oh, okay.
I mean, I guess you
could pull off something
like this all on your own, right?
(laughs)
Ernie, you would crack
under the pressure, bro.
Okay, listen to me.
I'll do all the illegal shit.
I'll get the DNA samples.
I'll dose the subjects, all that shit.
You don't even have to appear in the film.
Just leave this to your baby brother, man.
I'll take my Oscar in prison if I have to.
Dude, this is gonna be
so much fucking fun.
(upbeat diabolical music)
- You know, Ern, if this guy's
as big a loser as you say he is,
then why would you use him as
a broker in the first place?
- We didn't.
Joan and I ditched him after he showed up
45 minutes late smelling like
he hadn't showered in a month.
- How do people get like that?
- I'll tell you how.
He pulled me aside afterwards,
told me he was in the middle of a divorce.
Said he came home from work early one day,
saw his wife in the
living room getting walked
around on a leash by some naked guy
with an erection in front of three
other naked guys also with erections.
Said he was walking
her from penis to penis
where she performed fellatio
on all the naked men.
- [Kurt] Damn!
- Said he hadn't seen her look
so happy since their wedding day.
(laughs)
- Why would he tell you
something like that?
- I got the sense he
had no one else to tell.
Anyways, if anyone
could use a little boost
from the medication it's Joe Dingleman.
Where the heck is he?
- We got here way too fucking
early, I told you that.
You know, that actually reminds me.
I'm gonna need some more of these GoPros
to rig the office with when
I break in tomorrow morning.
And, uh, you know, I could really
use one on the outside of the van.
It's gonna make all the action sequences
so much fucking cooler.
- Did the money fairy come
last night put a little cash
under your pillow for
you to buy these GoPros?
- Don't be a dick, Ernie.
You know that times are
tough for me right now,
and you know I'll pay you back for it.
- Yeah, right.
You still owe me the down
payment for race car classes.
And what action sequence?
We're shooting a friggin' documentary.
- Okay, you know this is not
just a frickin' documentary, Ern.
It's gonna put an epic spin on the genre.
It's gonna have a style
so completely unique
to who I am as an artist that every frame
is gonna be recognizably mine
like the swish symbol is to Nike.
Bingo.
- That's him.
- How did he get up there?
Why is he in his tighty-whities?
You said this is a real
estate office, right?
(slow quirky music)
(moaning and grunting)
(raunchy music)
- [Joe] Oh!
I was just searching for a
pet-friendly building in Chelsea.
- Pull your pants up, Joe.
Look at me, Joe.
Listen, I'm okay with you
crashing here at the office
for a little while until
you get back on your feet.
Okay?
And I know that a divorce can be
financially and emotionally devastating.
I want to try to help you
and I want to be your friend.
But I also don't want to
be your enabler, either.
But online pornography and masturbation
in the office--
- No, no, Buck, it wasn't.
- Not in the office, Joe.
- (laughs) Dude, we couldn't have scripted
this shit better if we tried.
He's a fucking star.
You know, I've got the perfect girl
that I can set him up with,
this recently divorced
piece of ass at my gym.
I'm definitely trying to bang her,
but for the sake of the
project I'm willing to defer.
- It needs to be someone he's in contact
with on a daily basis, Kurt.
Joe Dingleman doesn't exactly seem
like the type that goes to a gym.
- Okay, damn, um...
What about his boss?
That's awesome, we could see
if the drug is powerful enough
to make straights go gay
and gays go straight.
I mean, that's genius!
- We're not messing
with people's sexuality.
It's bad enough we're drugging
people without their consent.
It needs to be a woman.
A heterosexual woman.
- Bingo.
- That's not bad.
- She's perfect, bro.
She works with him, beautiful
smile, vibrant energy.
This girl wouldn't fuck Joe Dingleman
if the future of humanity depended on it.
You know, I'm telling you, this is
the synchronicity of the universe, bro.
When you're on a creative
endeavor like this
God reaches down from
heaven and he delivers.
Now it's just time to get some samples,
brew us up some love brew
and get these two lovebirds hitched.
Boom!
(techno music)
- Alright, Ernie, hit record, would you?
Is the red light on?
- Yeah.
- Then why didn't you say action?
- Action!
- Alright, wish me luck.
- Wait, do you have the mugs?
- Oh, shoot, okay.
Here they are.
Alright, I'm going in.
- Whoa, hold on.
My DNA, for Joan.
If, God willing, this
experiment's successful.
(suspenseful techno music)
- Hey, what's going on?
- [Kurt] I got bit by one of the rats.
Can I get rabies?
- You'll be fine!
Did you start making the medication?
- [Kurt] No, this shit fucking hurts, bro!
- Yeah, well, you shouldn't have
been playing with the rats, Kurt.
Get to work!
Security could be coming any second.
- [Kurt] Okay, are you sure I
don't need medical attention?
- You'll be fine.
Hurry up!
Come on, what are you doing?
I should have just done it myself.
I knew he'd screw it up.
(alarm blaring)
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
(gun firing)
Come on, come on, Kurt!
(tires screeching)
- Whoo, yeah motherfucker, go, go, go!
- Where's the camera, what did you do?
- Dude, we got Love Potion
Number 10 is what happened!
Hit it, son! (laughs)
This footage is gonna be
so fucking awesome, bro.
We got a shootout scene.
- What, what do you mean shootout scene?
- The security guard, he popped off
a couple rounds as he chased me out.
But don't worry, I was
too nimble for his ass.
The production value of
this film just tripled.
We can probably get foreign presales now.
- Screw the movie!
Did the guard see you?
- Don't worry, bro.
I had on my fucking mask. (laughs)
Alright, dude, here we go it's
time to see some movie magic.
Come on, baby, come on.
It's blacked out.
Why is it blacked out?
- Did you forget to take the lens cap off?
- Oh, shit!
- Idiot.
- You know, how the, how was I supposed
to know that the lens cap was on?
It was on my head, you
should have checked!
You were the one that hit record!
- [Ernie] The audio's fine,
you can use subtitles.
- You know what, Ernie?
If you don't start showing
some more commitment
to this film I swear to
you, I'm gonna fucking walk!
(tense music)
- [Co-Worker] Good morning, Liz.
- Good morning.
Is it just my driver?
The guy shows up 45 minutes late.
I almost missed my closing
on my house in the Hamptons!
- That sucks.
- [Joe] Hey.
- Yeah, okay dude, she got the mug, bingo.
- And you put in enough?
- Yeah, it's a single drop, relax.
Here we go, okay.
She's going for the coffee.
Okay, fill 'er up, baby,
that's it. (laughs)
The lady likes cream, does she?
Hey, cream and sugar.
Oh, there she goes, bingo.
Eagle's in the nest, bro.
Oh.
- [Ernie] What the heck is that?
- That looks like a wedding band.
- No kidding it's a wedding band, Kurt!
This needs to stop right now!
- Okay, okay, it's too late.
I mean, she already ingested the potion.
The train left the
station, but this game's--
- Oh, no, no, no!
- Calm down!
- This is bad, okay, this is very bad!
- Calm down, Ernie, we don't even know
if this stuff's gonna work.
Just 'cause it worked on rats, right?
- [Ernie] Just because it worked on rats,
like that means anything!
- Ernie, wait!
Okay, okay, wait, stop!
Okay, wait, stop!
What are you doing?
- Breaking up a family right now, Kurt!
- Okay, so what are you gonna do?
Go up in the office and
say we illegally broke in
and we're drugging some of the employees?
I admit, yes, we made
a mistake in casting,
but at this point, the damage is done.
Besides, if we both go to prison right now
these two test subjects
carry on doing whatever
it is that they're gonna be doing anyway.
So I say we just get back in the van.
(quirky suspenseful music)
- Oh, shit!
Did you see that?
- She smiled at him, big deal.
- Come on, dude, she gave
him the Bambi fuck-me eyes.
(cell phone ringing)
(sighing)
- Hey babe, listen, good news.
That client canceled my dinner plans,
so I'm gonna be coming home early.
And just fair warning,
I'm feeling pretty randy.
So be prepared to be ravished.
Okay?
Listen, I was actually thinking tonight
might be the night to, uh,
try and spice things up
a little bit like we talked about.
Maybe try a little of
that back door action,
you know, if you're up for it?
Anyway, I am starving so if you could
maybe swing by Lombardi's,
pick us up a pizza for tonight?
Okay, I'll see you in bit, love you, bye.
(tense music)
- Just wanted to borrow your stapler.
- Oh, uh, yeah, just
don't forget to return it.
- Okay.
(door opening)
- Afternoon, guys.
- [Joe] Hey, Buck.
- I don't feel very good
so I'm gonna go home.
- [Buck] You okay?
- [Liz] Yeah.
- Okay, hope you feel better.
(romantic music)
- Some bubbly for the lady?
(glasses clinking)
Are you alright, babe?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
Work's just a little crazy.
- I could give you some massage action.
Relax you a little bit, huh?
- [Liz] I need to go to the bathroom.
- Hey, Joan, it's me.
Listen, I've left you
several messages today.
I don't know if you're getting them.
I don't know if your phone's on.
Call me.
I'm starting to worry a little.
Alright, bye.
(crowd chattering)
- You think she's fucking someone else?
- Do you always have to be so blunt?
- I'm sorry.
Do you think she's having
sex with someone else?
- I don't know what she's doing.
But I do know that it ends
today with this lady, okay?
We dodged the bullet karmically.
We didn't destroy this woman's marriage.
Tomorrow we're finding somebody else.
- There is no one else.
You know that.
This guy's a total loner.
We've been tracking him for three days,
he's had a total of zero
personal interactions
with anybody outside of work.
- Okay, then we'll replace him, too.
- No fucking way, man!
I'm not throwing away all the awesome
footage we already have!
(cell phone ringing)
Ernie, we cast these roles perfectly.
- Shut up.
It's Joan.
Hey!
What's going on?
Where are you?
What do you mean it doesn't matter?
It matters to me.
I'm your husband, okay,
and I think I'm enti--
Well, I wanna talk about it, okay?
I definitely wanna talk about it and--
Look, Joan, I wanna go to therpay, okay?
We need therapy and we need--
Listen to me, we need to
learn how to communicate.
Joan?
Hello?
Joan?
(tinkling music)
- Joan?
Joan.
(Joan crying)
What's going on?
- He hurt me again.
- Who?
- My boss.
I went to his place after dinner
and I told him I couldn't and he just,
he wouldn't stop and he kept trying
and then he grabbed my wrist and--
The whole time I was
there I kept thinking,
what am I doing with this
terrible, awful jerk,
when I am married to such
a loving, decent man?
I'm so sorry, Ernie.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Women are attracted to powerful men.
I'm just glad you're okay.
- [Joan] I wanna go to therapy.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I wanna understand your feelings
and mine and how we relate.
- Yeah?
- I wanna grow together, Ernie.
- Oh, so do I.
Maybe someday I can become the
type of guy you can respect.
A strong type of guy that maybe
you'd want to start a family with.
- Why are saying that, Ernie?
- No, it's okay.
I know that's why you don't
bring up having children anymore.
- Stop saying that.
That's not true.
We could have kids or not have kids.
I don't care, as long as I have you.
Not some future you, this you.
The one who needs me
to be able to survive.
I'm sorry, Ernie, I'm
sorry I've been so cruel.
I'm sorry I made you kick out Kurt.
He's an amazing artist.
I'm sorry I've been
sexually repulsed by you
and I'm sorry I've been faking orgasms
since after we got married.
Therapy or no therapy, I love you.
Just the way you are.
Are, are,
are, are, are, are. (alarm beeping)
- Wake up, wake up.
(Kurt groaning)
We need to get started now.
If we're gonna get them
their medication on time.
- He's back.
The kid is back.
(somber music)
(Kurt chattering)
(techno music)
(Joe groaning)
- Look at that dude.
It's working. (laughs)
- Nothing's even happening,
he's just returning her stapler.
- No, it's working!
- Oh, hey.
- I was just...
I wanted to return this to you.
- Thanks.
(Joe moaning)
- It's so tense, oh, my God.
- We're so busy sometimes we
barely have time to say--
- Hi.
(both laughing)
I gotta go see my friends.
(tense music)
- Hey, there!
Oh, my gosh.
- Joe!
Wait.
- Central Park.
- The lovefest has officially begun.
Follow that cab, big bro.
(tires screeching)
- I, uh, like pigeons.
- Me too.
- Pigeon droppings used to be considered
a semi-precious commodity.
- Really?
- In ancient Egypt it
was highly prized manure.
And for centuries in London it was
declared property of the Crown.
Used to be a critical
ingredient in making gun powder.
- That's amazing.
(both breathing heavily)
- What are you doing?
They're getting away!
What the heck is that?
- What does it look like?
It's a GoPro helicopter cam.
We can track Dingleman from
a mile away with this puppy.
- Where's my credit card, Kurt?
- Relax, it's in my wallet.
But don't worry, I'll return it
after we wrap up principal photography.
- Yeah, you better believe you will.
- Hey, it's the least you could do
seeing as you ruined the shootout scene.
Where'd they go?
- Let's go, let's go this way.
Come on!
- See that big guy over there?
I named him Buster.
He always chases Connie around.
But then you have Larry.
See the one with the missing toes?
He's a real ladies man.
He just hops from one to the next.
- Maybe we have a lot in common.
- Who, you and me?
- Humans and pigeons.
- Oh.
(Joe groaning)
(frantic strings music)
- There they are.
- [Kurt] (laughs) This is sweet!
(helicopter whirring)
- You know we're gonna
fry in hell for this.
- Hell's a place for people
that don't follow their dreams.
We're making a fucking movie, bro.
(Liz moaning)
- [Liz] We can't!
- [Joe] Just the tip.
- [Liz] Okay!
(both moaning)
- That's it, no more testing on the lady.
From this point forward,
we're testing strictly
on Joe and only for side effects.
- [Kurt] Are you crazy?
You can't cut her off from him.
You could ruin Dingleman's relationships
with women for the rest of his life.
He'll be a serial stalker at best,
full fledged rapist at worst.
No, we continue dosing both of them.
- No, no, no, absolutely not!
We're gonna be monitoring him very closely
just in case anything goes
wrong and he gets creepy.
- [Kurt] Okay, only if
the helicopter stays
and I get a 360 swivel cam.
- [Ernie] Fine.
- Dude, this helicopter
footage is fucking sick.
Look at this shit, bro!
- Great.
- Come on, man, can't you
get excited about anything?
What is it now, Ern?
- I don't know, maybe
it's just that my wife
has gone missing for the past 36 hours
and she hasn't thought
to as much as give me
a call or text me her whereabouts.
- I guess I forgot about that.
- Yeah, somehow I didn't.
(door opening)
Shit!
Hey.
Wait, Joan.
What's going on?
- Why don't you tell me?
- Tell you what?
I'm worried sick, I haven't
seen you in a day and a half.
Why didn't you call?
- Okay, so now you're my fucking
probation officer, Ernie?
- What?
- Look, I think it's time we start
talking about where this is going.
- Where what's going?
- [Joan] Our marriage, Ernie.
- Our marriage?
Our marriage is going
until we're old and gray.
You're the woman of my dreams
and that's not gonna change.
But we need to be open and
honest with each other--
- Honest?
Honest, Ernie?
You told me you were gonna
get the pig out of the house.
You call that honest?
- Geez, Joan, we'll get to that.
Can you please tell me where you've been?
- Okay, fine, you wanna
know where I've been?
Fine, fine, I'll tell you where I've been.
Last night my boss, he took
me out to dinner after work.
He called his wife and told her
he was going out of town for business.
From there we went to the W Hotel
where we basically
fucked nonstop for a day
and a half only stopping to eat and shit.
You want honesty, Ernie?
How's that for honesty?
At least someone's being
honest in this marriage.
- Okay.
Okay.
Well, thank you for being honest.
- Really?
Really?
That is your response to
me committing adultery?
- [Ernie] What do you want me to say?
- I want you to be a man!
I want you to show some emotion!
Maybe get a little bit
angry at some other guy,
maybe fucking your wife!
- Oh, yeah, I'm really
angry right now, okay?
I don't know how that's
gonna solve anything, though.
I mean, if we could have just
gone to therapy like I said!
(Joan screaming)
- I didn't fuck my boss!
I was at my mom's house last night!
I wanted one night out
of this fucking shithole!
(door slamming)
- That didn't sound great.
- Morning, sweetie.
Okay, so how long am I
supposed to put up with this routine?
You're on, like, a
different planet right now.
Okay, and, uh,
you have B.O.
Are you even aware of that?
Okay.
My wife is just ignoring my existence
like some smelly little space cadet,
but apparently I'm just
imagining all of this.
So, yeah, nothing's the matter.
Everything's fine, right?
Oh, and by the way, I know
you probably can't smell this,
but the place smells like
shit because the garbage
hasn't been taken out
for four fucking days!
Okay, and your mother's baked ham
that was sent to us from Fresh Direct
is stinking up the goddamn apartment!
So, how about we get in there,
we get your gloves on and
we clean the place up?
Unbelievable, unbelievable!
Where are my shoes?
I've got a pile of shoes here.
I have no idea which shoes are mine.
It's shoes everywhere!
I don't even, is this a linoleum floor?
I don't even know!
Got fucking shoes everywhere!
(upbeat rock music)
- So we're currently monitoring
Joe for side effects.
So far, so good.
As a side note, Ernie and I have been
having some creative differences,
which I ultimately feel could ruin
the direction of the narrative.
So, unbeknownst to Ernie, I've
decided to keep dosing Liz.
Because at this point I'm
not even through Act Two
and whether Ernie likes it or not,
I can't afford to finish this
movie without my leading lady.
(laughs)
- They can send a man to the moon,
but they can't make a printer
to print black and white
when one of the colors runs out.
Unbelievable.
(moaning)
What the fuck?
What are you?
Pull your pants up!
- [Joe] Buck, I'm sorry!
- And when you're through getting dressed,
I want you to pack up all your belongings
and never come back here again.
Okay?
(comical music)
- How's he doing?
You noticed anything?
- Hey look, Ernie, I
knew you're gonna be mad,
I just, I thought if we
lost the love element
we would lose our audience.
- I can understand this from him,
but from you, a married woman?
Having sex in a supply closet
with this perverted miscreant?
- [Ernie] Son of a bitch!
(grunting)
- What the hell are you doing?
- My marriage may be
ruined, but I'm not gonna
be responsible for ruining someone else's!
- Yeah, well, this was
all your idea, Ernie.
Never forget that!
- This film is over.
I'm testing Joan now for side effects
and I'm doing it alone.
- Well, you can't make
me not shoot my film.
I'll shoot anything I want
including you, asshole!
(Kurt laughs)
(camera thudding)
Oh, God!
- Good luck shooting your
film now, you psycho!
- Well, good luck returning
this camera, dickface!
- I want you out of my home!
Okay, you're not welcome there anymore!
And this time I mean it!
(door slamming)
- Come on, Ernie!
Come on, man, I'd be homeless!
Come on!
Shit.
Good luck tracking Dingleman
without a car, asshole.
- Taxi!
(banging)
Taxi!
- [Kurt] Joe, good old, Joe.
His life was as exciting
as it's ever been.
Thanks to our film project, Joe Dingleman
has found love of the highest caliber.
He was now living in
a squat on 13th Street
and Broadway with an
amazing woman in his life.
Things never looked brighter.
Maybe the Beatles were
really right after all.
Maybe love is all we truly need.
(playful music)
(crowd chattering)
- Hey, dude, don't just stand there!
Dude, you're standing in my shot!
Hey, pal.
Can you move out of the way?
You're standing in the shot.
I'm just trying to make a movie here.
- Gimme a smoke.
- Gimme a buck.
But seriously, can you
move out of the way, okay?
- Can I get a light?
So you're making a movie
with a fucking webcam?
- That's not a webcam, that's a GoPro.
And I'm shooting a
documentary and it's just one
of the cameras I'm
supplementing with, yes.
- What kind of shitty
documentary are you gonna make
with a shitty little camera like that?
- Shitty documentary?
I've got aerial footage
from a fucking helicopter!
I've got a live shootout scene.
But best of all, I got my hands on
this untested pharmaceutical drug
that makes roofies look like M&M's.
- Hey, could I see some footage?
- What, so now you're interested?
- Yeah, well, I know guys who
invest in movies all the time.
It's any good, maybe I could help you out.
- Alright, you wanna see something?
Check out this.
This smokin' hot piece
of ass, she's married
and she's banging this
homeless, smelly guy.
That's how powerful this shit is, man.
(Joe and Liz moaning)
(punching)
(thudding)
(tires screeching)
(dramatic music)
- Joe?
(ominous music)
- You're an evil man.
You messed with my family.
And I'm gonna hurt you in ways
you never imagined you
could be hurt before.
(exhaling)
Now, I want you to tell me
who your insider friend is.
And maybe then I'll
consider sparing your life.
- I'm not telling you shit.
- Well then, I guess I'll just have
to figure out some
creative ways to extract
that information from you then, huh?
(exhaling) Oh, boy, this is gonna be fun.
(Joe coughing)
♪ Let it shine ♪
♪ Let it shine ♪
(both coughing)
- [Liz] You okay, babe?
(dramatic music)
- Kurt, you're killing them Kurt.
The experiment is over.
You've gone too far.
- Does somebody have water?
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Are you alright?
(melancholy music)
- Hey, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, you tryin' to ruin
my fucking night, huh?
Hey, no, it's my kid's birthday
and the cops are gonna want my testimony
which will invariably drag on till
the wee fucking hours,
like it always does!
So if you're gonna jump, you do me a favor
and you wait till my shift is over
in the next 20 minutes, okay?
(thunder rumbling)
(rain splattering)
Yeah, yeah, okay good!
Thank you!
And look, not for
nothin', I don't know you,
and quite frankly, I don't
give a shit what you do,
but if you want my little two cents,
here's my little nugget.
In my estimation, most of the ones
that take the deep dip here,
they're the ones that aren't strong enough
to go after what they want in this world.
They bought into some
bullshit they were fed
in school or church, or by their mothers
about some Golden Rule
philosophy bullshit.
You think God gives a shit
about what you do, huh?
He don't fucking care!
God don't give a fuck about you!
That's why you gotta reach in
there and take it like a man!
Take it!
Judging by the looks of you, my guess is
you're just like one
of those pussy dipshits
who's gonna take the plunge.
So, sayonara, guy!
Just wait 20 minutes.
(Kurt sobbing)
- Come on, man.
You can let me go.
- Shut up.
- Come on, man.
- Shut up.
- Please, don't hurt me.
- Shut the fuck up!
I'm thinking you must be hungry.
I'll tell you what.
I'm thinking we kill two
birds with one stone.
I'm gonna go upstairs.
I'm gonna make a very generous offering
to the porcelain goddess.
And then when I'm through
you can dine on my deuce.
- Oh, God.
(yelling)
(grunting)
(suspenseful music)
If you love me you'll set me free.
- [Ernie] You need some help packing?
(ominous music)
(door opening)
(Kurt whimpering)
- No.
(crying)
No.
- Bon appetit, fucko.
- I knew you'd come around.
- So you ready to tell me who
your insider friend is yet?
(Kurt crying)
Still nothing, huh?
You must really like your breakfast then.
That's alright.
Plenty more where that came from.
I feel a new batch coming on.
(tender music)
Why you looking at me like that?
- [Kurt] Like what?
- It's the beauty in...
There's something in your eyes.
What the fuck am I saying?
- [Kurt] It's okay, man.
Everything's cool.
- I'm f--
I never felt this before.
- Can you unrope me?
I really need some fresh air.
- You're so beautiful!
- Maybe you could untie me so
I could get more comfortable, huh?
Besides, we should get
your wife some medication.
It's an anti-depressant so you have
to gradually decrease otherwise
she's gonna get withdrawal symptoms.
No.
I just need some fresh air, okay?
- Beautiful.
- No.
No.
(Kurt crying)
His name is Ernie!
- [Jake] I don't even care anymore.
Just kiss me.
- Ernie Mills! (screaming)
(crying)
- I haven't heard either
one of us cough lately.
I think we beat it, whatever it was, babe.
(chuckling)
- Yeah.
- Are you okay, babe?
- I don't feel good.
My stomach hurts.
- Oh, I have some Pepto.
I also have gastrointestinal issues.
Sometimes it can be quite turbulent.
There was this one time that I...
- I gotta go to the bathroom.
- Okay, babe.
I'll be right here, babe.
- Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
(crying)
(groaning)
(horns honking)
- I just did your laundry because
I was so in love with you.
And I found this.
You sick fucking psycho.
- I just wanted you to let me go.
- Ernie Mills, hmm?
(laughs)
Yeah, I'm gonna pay a little visit
to your good friend Ernie fucking Mills.
And after I cut him up
into tiny little pieces
I'm gonna come back
here and make you choke
on his tiny little dead fucking
dick, you piece of shit.
You wait right fucking here.
- No!
(grunting)
(television chattering)
- I want ice cream.
- J-babes, we said no more desserts.
- Oh!
- Besides, I need to start
researching grad schools.
- Mm-mm!
- J-babes, we're gonna get fat.
- No we won't.
It just means there'll be more
E-babes for J-babe to love.
(laughs)
Fudge mocha brownie?
Chocolate chip cookie dough?
- Cookie dough.
- Yeah, score!
Alright, I'll miss you.
- Hurry back.
- [Joan] (giggles) I will!
(Joan coughing)
(door opening)
- Hey, babe.
I'm making us some PB and J's.
We gotta start a diet Monday.
(footsteps clomping)
- Hi, Ernie.
I'd fucking love some PB and J.
- Please, please, don't hurt me.
Please just take anything you want.
Just don't hurt me.
- Oh yeah, this makes
perfect fucking sense.
Look at yourself, Ernie.
You're a pathetic piece of shit.
So what woman in her
right mind would ever,
ever, ever, ever, wanna
fucking be with you?
- Who are you?
How do you know my name?
- It's okay, I'm the one asking
the questions tonight, okay?
Thank you, though.
Hey, I'm curious, Ern.
How's the marriage going?
You happy?
- Yeah, it's good.
It's good.
- That's fucking great, man.
That's great fucking news.
I'm really happy to hear that.
'Cause you know what the most
important thing in your life is?
It's your woman.
It's your woman.
If your home life isn't straight
nothing else in your life
is gonna be straight.
Wouldn't you agree?
- Yeah.
- Oh, you wanna know
what's going on with me?
My wife left me for some reason.
- [Ernie] I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
Yeah, the love of my life, she just up
and fucking left me for some
fucking degenerate loser.
One minute we're talking about having kids
and starting our lives.
The next minute she's with some
fucking weak little fucking turd of a man.
Now, can you believe that?
Can you fucking believe that?
(laughs)
- [Ernie] I'm sorry, really.
- You take your sorries and shove 'em
up your ass, you piece of shit.
(Ernie cowering)
You know what's funny, Ern?
I bought this gun to protect
against home invasion.
(laughs)
I never in a million years thought
that I would actually use it someday.
Look at me you fucking piece of shit.
You took everything from me.
You took everything from me.
Everything I fucking care about.
Look at me!
- Please, don't!
- I am gonna blast your
fucking little face
off your fucking miserable little
head you fucking piece of shit.
Vaya con dios,
motherfucker.
- No, no, please.
Please, please.
(screaming)
(cracking)
(thudding)
- Can you believe the majors never took me
out of the farm leagues
with a swing like that?
- What the heck is going on?
- It's a long story and
nobody needs to know about it.
All I can say is the God for the
rope escaping classes
in my magician training.
- Who is he?
And why is he not moving?
- He's our leading lady's husband
and he's not moving 'cause
(ominous music)
he's dead.
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
- Will you give it a rest, Ernie?
We gotta get him cleaned up.
You have any trash bags?
(frantic music)
Come on, get his head.
Get his legs.
- [Ernie] Let's go, Joan's
gonna be back any second.
- Babe?
I went to three different delis and nobody
had any chocolate chip cookie dough.
So, chocolate chip mocha fudge
brownie is what we've got.
Ernie, where are you?
- [Ernie] Uh, just in the bathroom, babe!
- Can you hurry up 'cause I
have to pee really, really bad.
- No, no!
I blew it up real bad.
- (laughs) Okay.
Okay, I'll just make the ice cream.
You want some sprinkles?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'll have sprinkles.
Do we have any hot fudge, honey?
- [Joan] Let me check.
No, babe, I think we
used it all last weekend.
- Oh, no.
- [Joan] Yeah.
- Well, can you give me extra sprinkles?
- [Joan] Yeah, extra
sprinkles for you, E-babes.
- Okay.
- [Joan] Comin' right up.
(body thudding)
- Okay.
Honey, they called me into work.
I need to go.
I'll be back real soon, honey!
- What?
Ernie?
Ernie!
Well...
I can't eat the ice
cream without my E-babes.
(thudding)
- It's all over now.
- Yeah, we've killed a man.
We've made a woman a widow.
And we've broken another man's heart.
I hope it would be.
- Hey, don't forget you
got what you wanted.
You got your marriage back.
Hey, you know, put a move on it, Ernie.
I don't wanna be here all night.
It's gotta be three feet deep.
- Yeah, well, you could help!
- Actually, no, I can't.
Because I have a bad back because
I sleep in a cold steel van.
Maybe if you give me a
couple hundred bucks.
If I sleep in that van one more night
I'm gonna need back surgery.
(Ernie panting)
(ominous music)
- Six months and we can't even
get a proper diagnosis, honey.
All these specialists.
What the heck do they even
specialize in anyways?
(Joan wheezing)
You think they'd at
least be able to give us
some type of medication
to mitigate the symptoms.
(Joan sighing)
- [Kurt] Okay, keep your
eyes closed, Ernie, okay?
Alright, come on in.
Okay, so you remember that druggie kid
that we grew up with,
Danny Henderson, right?
- [Ernie] Yeah.
- [Kurt] Remember, he
was the one that ate 12
of his own $1 dollar bills for
$15 bucks in the 8th grade?
- [Ernie] Yeah.
- (laughs) Well, it turns
out that that little shit
has been living rent-free
for the past 12 years.
Like a squatter, you know.
He's been putting all
his money into crank.
- Okay.
- Well, he OD'd on
Tuesday and he's dead now.
- What?
Jesus, that's terrible!
- Yeah, well, not for me it's not.
Say hello to my new kick
ass bachelor pad, bro!
(laughs)
I mean, ladies have mad respect
for a guy with his own crib.
I'm gonna be banging like a
fucking bonobo up in here!
- Great.
- Oh, come on, man!
Can't you get excited
for me about anything?
- I said it's great.
Look, can we please, can we
talk about the issue at hand?
- Okay, well, I gave you
my opinion six months ago
before we started shooting the damn film.
- Yeah, well that was then.
I need your help now.
- Okay, can you look at
me with a straight face
and say that you're actually
happier with this sickly,
doped up lovey-dovey version of your wife?
- My life is hell without her, Kurt!
- Okay, well, by the looks of you, man,
it's more hell with her, but whatever.
- I don't know, just give me something.
You're the one with all the ideas.
- Are you fucking serious?
She looks like a fucking corpse, man!
You're gonna kill her!
- I mean, I thought there would
be some minor side effects, you know.
Jesus!
I just, I don't know what
I would do without her.
- Okay, man, I'll tell you
what you do without her.
Yeah, you're gonna go
into a fucking tailspin
and it's gonna seem like an endless amount
of pain for an endless amount of time.
But if you just ride it
out and you don't medicate
yourself on cheap drugs
or internet or whatever,
you might come to the realization that
you let someone else be
the star of your movie.
At which point if you
reach into your vagina
and pull out your retracted penis
you might start really doing something
that you actually want
to do with your life!
And you might also come to the realization
that drugging someone with a dangerous
pharmaceutical drug to keep them
loving you is absolutely fucking insane.
Okay, now finish your beer and
get the fuck outta here, man.
I got an early morning tomorrow.
- Since when do you have early mornings?
- Dude, I didn't tell you?
I started taking skeet
shooting lessons, bro.
And I'm fucking sick.
My instructor says that if I just
put in three or four hours for a week
for the next six months I can qualify
for the Olympics in 2016.
- What about your documentary?
- I lost the footage when
the van got impounded.
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole
wide world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me, brother ♪
♪ In his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me, brother ♪
♪ In his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole
wide world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me, brother ♪
♪ In his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me, brother ♪
♪ In his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me, brother ♪
♪ In his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me in his hands ♪
(wheezing)
- You feeling any better, babe?
- I love you.
- Not as much as I love you.
(Joan moaning)
(ominous music)
(Ernie crying)
(upbeat rock music)
- Ernie?
- Ernie?
- Ernie?
- Got it?
- Yeah, got it.
(dishes tinkling)
- Mr. Baldwin?
(dishes clattering)
Detective Denton and my
partner here, Detective Torres.
- We're bringing you downtown.
You're coming with us.
- I gotta pee.
- Oh, please, be my guest.
- Yeah, go to the bathroom.
- [Torres] Go ahead.
- [Denton] Make it quick.
- [Torres] Oh, there he goes.
- [Denton] He's leaving
out the fucking window.
(laughs)
Look at him go.
He's fucking, he's...
- Joan, what is this?
- Just sign the papers, Ernie.
- Okay.
(sighing)
Who's this?
- I'm Dan.
- Joan.
Joan!
- Bye, Ernie.
- Joan!
Joan, it's me!
Joan!
- So, I have two one bedrooms
we could take a look at.
- Hi!
- Whoa.
- Whoa, wow.
- Nice to see you.
I'm back!
(Kurt grunting)
- Hey, made you a little
bit of coffee, babe.
- I'm quitting coffee.
We had this conversation yesterday.
- I know.
- Do you even listen to me when I talk?
- I just thought you
should wean yourself off.
I don't want you getting a headache.
- I'll be fine.
- Okay.
No more coffee for J-babe.
More coffee for E-babe.
What's wrong, honey?
- What's wrong, Ernie?
What's wrong is the
shitstorm that's going on
in the living room, right now, okay?
It's hard enough having to
clean up after one slob.
(spoon clattering)
- It hurts...
I mean, I feel, I feel upset when--
- Spit it out, Ernie!
- I left one spoon on the counter,
that doesn't make me a slob.
- Honestly, I don't have time
to talk about this right now
because I'm late for work.
Okay, when's he leaving?
- I don't know, I'll ask him today.
- No, I actually want
him out of here today.
Okay?
He smells like a fucking homeless person!
- He is a homeless person.
He's a beginning filmmaker.
- He's not a fucking filmmaker, Ernie!
He's an unemployable sociopath
who has stayed way beyond his welcome,
which he never should have
had in the first place!
No, it's time for the hobo to pick up
his shit and put it on a stick.
- He's my stepbrother, babe.
I can't just throw him out on the street.
- No?
Okay, I will.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I'll talk to him today.
- You better damn well believe you will!
- Now have you thought
about whether or not
you wanna go to therapy together, hon?
(door slamming)
(melancholy piano music)
- Morning, sunshine.
- What are you doing?
How many times have I told you,
it needs to be immaculate out here?
- Sorry, bro, I'm on major
surge of creative energy.
I told you, when I'm in the flow
I can't be bothered with mundane tasks.
- Yeah, that's great, but I've
told you several times now
and apparently you don't
wanna listen to me,
so really, you've left me no other choice.
I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to
put my foot down now, Kurt.
You're gonna have to find
a new place to crash.
(chuckles)
- Oh, you're serious, right?
You know, that's great,
maybe I could actually
put that in the credits of my film.
To my loving brother,
Ernie, who kicked me out
to sleep in a cold steel van
on the first frost of fall.
- No, I got a better idea.
I'll continue living in your filth
as my marriage continues to get destroyed
because of your dirty socks.
(laughs)
- Yeah, 'cause that's it right there.
That's the problem with your marriage.
It's my dirty socks.
- What are you doing?
You can't light that in here.
And since when do you smoke cigarettes?
- All the great directors smoke, bro.
- You're an idiot.
- Will you relax?
I don't inhale.
(Kurt coughing)
- You've never been in a relationship
that lasted more than a month.
You don't know how things
work in a marriage.
- I never wanted a relationship
lasting longer than a month.
But I'm pretty sure a husband acting like
a vagina isn't how things
should work in a marriage.
- Right, right.
Please, Kurt, please enlighten me
with your hard-earned marital truths.
- It shouldn't work.
Marriage is dead.
You can't expect to stay attracted
to the same person for years.
The chemistry runs out.
You should know this shit,
you're the fucking scientist.
- I'm a scientist's assistant.
And none of what you
just said is accurate.
- Okay, scientist or non-scientist
your marriage is a piece of shit.
I'm telling you, just fucking
cut your losses and move on.
Besides, you're gonna want to be single
when I blow up and I'm
a Hollywood baller, bro.
- Would you please shut up?
This is a serious issue in my life.
I mean, I've tried everything, you know?
I try to give her more space.
Try to be a better
listener, despite the fact
that she doesn't listen to
a single word that I say.
Even after I forgave her for the cheating.
- (scoffs) Enough, dude,
fucking enough, man.
Would you look at your life?
You're working 60 hours a week at
a shitty pharmaceutical job
just to pay the mortgage
on that shitty-ass apartment just
to keep living in this
shitty-ass marriage.
Dude, this thing is beyond repair.
- I know.
I know.
- Okay, good.
So what are you gonna do about it?
- I'm gonna drug her.
- What?
- You can't tell anyone this, Kurt.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Swear to me!
- Okay, I swear.
What the fuck are you gonna do?
Wait, you're not gonna
fucking kill her, right?
- No, no, geez, no!
(somber music)
Okay.
Okay.
So there's this new anti-depressant
that we're testing at work.
It's this huge medical breakthrough.
It's tailored, based on
your own specific DNA
to balance your own chemistry.
Anyways, they're currently
testing it on rats.
In one of the early tests
they screwed up the tests,
the scientists switched up the medication.
They gave Rat A's medication
to Rat B and vice versa.
Then the craziest thing happened.
The rats formed a temporary
bond to the other rat's DNA.
They started cuddling.
- [Kurt] Really?
- Yeah, they became like soulmates.
They made love all day long.
They remained completely monogamous,
which is totally un-ratlike.
The scientists even tried to get
these rats to have sex with some
of the other rats, but
they wouldn't do it.
They would only have sex
with their soulmate rat.
Till the effects of the drug wore off.
Then they went right
back to indiscriminately
having sex with all the other rats
and forgot completely
about their soulmate.
(laughs)
- I mean, that's cool, but
what does that have to do...
Oh, dude!
You're not gonna give Joan that shit?
- [Ernie] I don't know, maybe, I--
- Are you fucking crazy, man?
It's only been tested on rats!
- I don't know what else I can do!
- Who knows what the side effects are?
She could sprout a fucking
cock, for Christ's sakes.
You would never forgive yourself.
Man, she has got you more
fucked up than I thought.
- (sighing) Jesus.
- Although...
I suppose if someone were
to do something like this
you could test it on someone else first.
I mean, it's an anti-depressant, right?
So you could find some
really depressed loser.
You'd kind of be doing them a favor, huh?
- Right.
Right.
Right, I could just match him up
with a female test subject
to verify or nullify
the efficacy of the attraction
element of the drug.
At which point I'd discontinue testing
on the female subject to avoid
any potential harmful side effects.
While continuing testing
on the male subject
for the express purpose of
documenting the side effects.
I mean, obviously this would
be a very crude experiment,
but at least I'd have some form of data
that I could base my decision on.
- Oh, this is it.
- [Ernie] What?
- This is fucking it!
- [Ernie] What?
- I'm gonna film this.
(laughs)
This is my documentary masterpiece.
The real life Love Potion Number 9.
- Are you out of your mind?
You wouldn't be filming anything!
If I ever did something
like this and word got out
I'd spend the remainder
of my life in prison!
- Oh, okay.
I mean, I guess you
could pull off something
like this all on your own, right?
(laughs)
Ernie, you would crack
under the pressure, bro.
Okay, listen to me.
I'll do all the illegal shit.
I'll get the DNA samples.
I'll dose the subjects, all that shit.
You don't even have to appear in the film.
Just leave this to your baby brother, man.
I'll take my Oscar in prison if I have to.
Dude, this is gonna be
so much fucking fun.
(upbeat diabolical music)
- You know, Ern, if this guy's
as big a loser as you say he is,
then why would you use him as
a broker in the first place?
- We didn't.
Joan and I ditched him after he showed up
45 minutes late smelling like
he hadn't showered in a month.
- How do people get like that?
- I'll tell you how.
He pulled me aside afterwards,
told me he was in the middle of a divorce.
Said he came home from work early one day,
saw his wife in the
living room getting walked
around on a leash by some naked guy
with an erection in front of three
other naked guys also with erections.
Said he was walking
her from penis to penis
where she performed fellatio
on all the naked men.
- [Kurt] Damn!
- Said he hadn't seen her look
so happy since their wedding day.
(laughs)
- Why would he tell you
something like that?
- I got the sense he
had no one else to tell.
Anyways, if anyone
could use a little boost
from the medication it's Joe Dingleman.
Where the heck is he?
- We got here way too fucking
early, I told you that.
You know, that actually reminds me.
I'm gonna need some more of these GoPros
to rig the office with when
I break in tomorrow morning.
And, uh, you know, I could really
use one on the outside of the van.
It's gonna make all the action sequences
so much fucking cooler.
- Did the money fairy come
last night put a little cash
under your pillow for
you to buy these GoPros?
- Don't be a dick, Ernie.
You know that times are
tough for me right now,
and you know I'll pay you back for it.
- Yeah, right.
You still owe me the down
payment for race car classes.
And what action sequence?
We're shooting a friggin' documentary.
- Okay, you know this is not
just a frickin' documentary, Ern.
It's gonna put an epic spin on the genre.
It's gonna have a style
so completely unique
to who I am as an artist that every frame
is gonna be recognizably mine
like the swish symbol is to Nike.
Bingo.
- That's him.
- How did he get up there?
Why is he in his tighty-whities?
You said this is a real
estate office, right?
(slow quirky music)
(moaning and grunting)
(raunchy music)
- [Joe] Oh!
I was just searching for a
pet-friendly building in Chelsea.
- Pull your pants up, Joe.
Look at me, Joe.
Listen, I'm okay with you
crashing here at the office
for a little while until
you get back on your feet.
Okay?
And I know that a divorce can be
financially and emotionally devastating.
I want to try to help you
and I want to be your friend.
But I also don't want to
be your enabler, either.
But online pornography and masturbation
in the office--
- No, no, Buck, it wasn't.
- Not in the office, Joe.
- (laughs) Dude, we couldn't have scripted
this shit better if we tried.
He's a fucking star.
You know, I've got the perfect girl
that I can set him up with,
this recently divorced
piece of ass at my gym.
I'm definitely trying to bang her,
but for the sake of the
project I'm willing to defer.
- It needs to be someone he's in contact
with on a daily basis, Kurt.
Joe Dingleman doesn't exactly seem
like the type that goes to a gym.
- Okay, damn, um...
What about his boss?
That's awesome, we could see
if the drug is powerful enough
to make straights go gay
and gays go straight.
I mean, that's genius!
- We're not messing
with people's sexuality.
It's bad enough we're drugging
people without their consent.
It needs to be a woman.
A heterosexual woman.
- Bingo.
- That's not bad.
- She's perfect, bro.
She works with him, beautiful
smile, vibrant energy.
This girl wouldn't fuck Joe Dingleman
if the future of humanity depended on it.
You know, I'm telling you, this is
the synchronicity of the universe, bro.
When you're on a creative
endeavor like this
God reaches down from
heaven and he delivers.
Now it's just time to get some samples,
brew us up some love brew
and get these two lovebirds hitched.
Boom!
(techno music)
- Alright, Ernie, hit record, would you?
Is the red light on?
- Yeah.
- Then why didn't you say action?
- Action!
- Alright, wish me luck.
- Wait, do you have the mugs?
- Oh, shoot, okay.
Here they are.
Alright, I'm going in.
- Whoa, hold on.
My DNA, for Joan.
If, God willing, this
experiment's successful.
(suspenseful techno music)
- Hey, what's going on?
- [Kurt] I got bit by one of the rats.
Can I get rabies?
- You'll be fine!
Did you start making the medication?
- [Kurt] No, this shit fucking hurts, bro!
- Yeah, well, you shouldn't have
been playing with the rats, Kurt.
Get to work!
Security could be coming any second.
- [Kurt] Okay, are you sure I
don't need medical attention?
- You'll be fine.
Hurry up!
Come on, what are you doing?
I should have just done it myself.
I knew he'd screw it up.
(alarm blaring)
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
(gun firing)
Come on, come on, Kurt!
(tires screeching)
- Whoo, yeah motherfucker, go, go, go!
- Where's the camera, what did you do?
- Dude, we got Love Potion
Number 10 is what happened!
Hit it, son! (laughs)
This footage is gonna be
so fucking awesome, bro.
We got a shootout scene.
- What, what do you mean shootout scene?
- The security guard, he popped off
a couple rounds as he chased me out.
But don't worry, I was
too nimble for his ass.
The production value of
this film just tripled.
We can probably get foreign presales now.
- Screw the movie!
Did the guard see you?
- Don't worry, bro.
I had on my fucking mask. (laughs)
Alright, dude, here we go it's
time to see some movie magic.
Come on, baby, come on.
It's blacked out.
Why is it blacked out?
- Did you forget to take the lens cap off?
- Oh, shit!
- Idiot.
- You know, how the, how was I supposed
to know that the lens cap was on?
It was on my head, you
should have checked!
You were the one that hit record!
- [Ernie] The audio's fine,
you can use subtitles.
- You know what, Ernie?
If you don't start showing
some more commitment
to this film I swear to
you, I'm gonna fucking walk!
(tense music)
- [Co-Worker] Good morning, Liz.
- Good morning.
Is it just my driver?
The guy shows up 45 minutes late.
I almost missed my closing
on my house in the Hamptons!
- That sucks.
- [Joe] Hey.
- Yeah, okay dude, she got the mug, bingo.
- And you put in enough?
- Yeah, it's a single drop, relax.
Here we go, okay.
She's going for the coffee.
Okay, fill 'er up, baby,
that's it. (laughs)
The lady likes cream, does she?
Hey, cream and sugar.
Oh, there she goes, bingo.
Eagle's in the nest, bro.
Oh.
- [Ernie] What the heck is that?
- That looks like a wedding band.
- No kidding it's a wedding band, Kurt!
This needs to stop right now!
- Okay, okay, it's too late.
I mean, she already ingested the potion.
The train left the
station, but this game's--
- Oh, no, no, no!
- Calm down!
- This is bad, okay, this is very bad!
- Calm down, Ernie, we don't even know
if this stuff's gonna work.
Just 'cause it worked on rats, right?
- [Ernie] Just because it worked on rats,
like that means anything!
- Ernie, wait!
Okay, okay, wait, stop!
Okay, wait, stop!
What are you doing?
- Breaking up a family right now, Kurt!
- Okay, so what are you gonna do?
Go up in the office and
say we illegally broke in
and we're drugging some of the employees?
I admit, yes, we made
a mistake in casting,
but at this point, the damage is done.
Besides, if we both go to prison right now
these two test subjects
carry on doing whatever
it is that they're gonna be doing anyway.
So I say we just get back in the van.
(quirky suspenseful music)
- Oh, shit!
Did you see that?
- She smiled at him, big deal.
- Come on, dude, she gave
him the Bambi fuck-me eyes.
(cell phone ringing)
(sighing)
- Hey babe, listen, good news.
That client canceled my dinner plans,
so I'm gonna be coming home early.
And just fair warning,
I'm feeling pretty randy.
So be prepared to be ravished.
Okay?
Listen, I was actually thinking tonight
might be the night to, uh,
try and spice things up
a little bit like we talked about.
Maybe try a little of
that back door action,
you know, if you're up for it?
Anyway, I am starving so if you could
maybe swing by Lombardi's,
pick us up a pizza for tonight?
Okay, I'll see you in bit, love you, bye.
(tense music)
- Just wanted to borrow your stapler.
- Oh, uh, yeah, just
don't forget to return it.
- Okay.
(door opening)
- Afternoon, guys.
- [Joe] Hey, Buck.
- I don't feel very good
so I'm gonna go home.
- [Buck] You okay?
- [Liz] Yeah.
- Okay, hope you feel better.
(romantic music)
- Some bubbly for the lady?
(glasses clinking)
Are you alright, babe?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
Work's just a little crazy.
- I could give you some massage action.
Relax you a little bit, huh?
- [Liz] I need to go to the bathroom.
- Hey, Joan, it's me.
Listen, I've left you
several messages today.
I don't know if you're getting them.
I don't know if your phone's on.
Call me.
I'm starting to worry a little.
Alright, bye.
(crowd chattering)
- You think she's fucking someone else?
- Do you always have to be so blunt?
- I'm sorry.
Do you think she's having
sex with someone else?
- I don't know what she's doing.
But I do know that it ends
today with this lady, okay?
We dodged the bullet karmically.
We didn't destroy this woman's marriage.
Tomorrow we're finding somebody else.
- There is no one else.
You know that.
This guy's a total loner.
We've been tracking him for three days,
he's had a total of zero
personal interactions
with anybody outside of work.
- Okay, then we'll replace him, too.
- No fucking way, man!
I'm not throwing away all the awesome
footage we already have!
(cell phone ringing)
Ernie, we cast these roles perfectly.
- Shut up.
It's Joan.
Hey!
What's going on?
Where are you?
What do you mean it doesn't matter?
It matters to me.
I'm your husband, okay,
and I think I'm enti--
Well, I wanna talk about it, okay?
I definitely wanna talk about it and--
Look, Joan, I wanna go to therpay, okay?
We need therapy and we need--
Listen to me, we need to
learn how to communicate.
Joan?
Hello?
Joan?
(tinkling music)
- Joan?
Joan.
(Joan crying)
What's going on?
- He hurt me again.
- Who?
- My boss.
I went to his place after dinner
and I told him I couldn't and he just,
he wouldn't stop and he kept trying
and then he grabbed my wrist and--
The whole time I was
there I kept thinking,
what am I doing with this
terrible, awful jerk,
when I am married to such
a loving, decent man?
I'm so sorry, Ernie.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Women are attracted to powerful men.
I'm just glad you're okay.
- [Joan] I wanna go to therapy.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I wanna understand your feelings
and mine and how we relate.
- Yeah?
- I wanna grow together, Ernie.
- Oh, so do I.
Maybe someday I can become the
type of guy you can respect.
A strong type of guy that maybe
you'd want to start a family with.
- Why are saying that, Ernie?
- No, it's okay.
I know that's why you don't
bring up having children anymore.
- Stop saying that.
That's not true.
We could have kids or not have kids.
I don't care, as long as I have you.
Not some future you, this you.
The one who needs me
to be able to survive.
I'm sorry, Ernie, I'm
sorry I've been so cruel.
I'm sorry I made you kick out Kurt.
He's an amazing artist.
I'm sorry I've been
sexually repulsed by you
and I'm sorry I've been faking orgasms
since after we got married.
Therapy or no therapy, I love you.
Just the way you are.
Are, are,
are, are, are, are. (alarm beeping)
- Wake up, wake up.
(Kurt groaning)
We need to get started now.
If we're gonna get them
their medication on time.
- He's back.
The kid is back.
(somber music)
(Kurt chattering)
(techno music)
(Joe groaning)
- Look at that dude.
It's working. (laughs)
- Nothing's even happening,
he's just returning her stapler.
- No, it's working!
- Oh, hey.
- I was just...
I wanted to return this to you.
- Thanks.
(Joe moaning)
- It's so tense, oh, my God.
- We're so busy sometimes we
barely have time to say--
- Hi.
(both laughing)
I gotta go see my friends.
(tense music)
- Hey, there!
Oh, my gosh.
- Joe!
Wait.
- Central Park.
- The lovefest has officially begun.
Follow that cab, big bro.
(tires screeching)
- I, uh, like pigeons.
- Me too.
- Pigeon droppings used to be considered
a semi-precious commodity.
- Really?
- In ancient Egypt it
was highly prized manure.
And for centuries in London it was
declared property of the Crown.
Used to be a critical
ingredient in making gun powder.
- That's amazing.
(both breathing heavily)
- What are you doing?
They're getting away!
What the heck is that?
- What does it look like?
It's a GoPro helicopter cam.
We can track Dingleman from
a mile away with this puppy.
- Where's my credit card, Kurt?
- Relax, it's in my wallet.
But don't worry, I'll return it
after we wrap up principal photography.
- Yeah, you better believe you will.
- Hey, it's the least you could do
seeing as you ruined the shootout scene.
Where'd they go?
- Let's go, let's go this way.
Come on!
- See that big guy over there?
I named him Buster.
He always chases Connie around.
But then you have Larry.
See the one with the missing toes?
He's a real ladies man.
He just hops from one to the next.
- Maybe we have a lot in common.
- Who, you and me?
- Humans and pigeons.
- Oh.
(Joe groaning)
(frantic strings music)
- There they are.
- [Kurt] (laughs) This is sweet!
(helicopter whirring)
- You know we're gonna
fry in hell for this.
- Hell's a place for people
that don't follow their dreams.
We're making a fucking movie, bro.
(Liz moaning)
- [Liz] We can't!
- [Joe] Just the tip.
- [Liz] Okay!
(both moaning)
- That's it, no more testing on the lady.
From this point forward,
we're testing strictly
on Joe and only for side effects.
- [Kurt] Are you crazy?
You can't cut her off from him.
You could ruin Dingleman's relationships
with women for the rest of his life.
He'll be a serial stalker at best,
full fledged rapist at worst.
No, we continue dosing both of them.
- No, no, no, absolutely not!
We're gonna be monitoring him very closely
just in case anything goes
wrong and he gets creepy.
- [Kurt] Okay, only if
the helicopter stays
and I get a 360 swivel cam.
- [Ernie] Fine.
- Dude, this helicopter
footage is fucking sick.
Look at this shit, bro!
- Great.
- Come on, man, can't you
get excited about anything?
What is it now, Ern?
- I don't know, maybe
it's just that my wife
has gone missing for the past 36 hours
and she hasn't thought
to as much as give me
a call or text me her whereabouts.
- I guess I forgot about that.
- Yeah, somehow I didn't.
(door opening)
Shit!
Hey.
Wait, Joan.
What's going on?
- Why don't you tell me?
- Tell you what?
I'm worried sick, I haven't
seen you in a day and a half.
Why didn't you call?
- Okay, so now you're my fucking
probation officer, Ernie?
- What?
- Look, I think it's time we start
talking about where this is going.
- Where what's going?
- [Joan] Our marriage, Ernie.
- Our marriage?
Our marriage is going
until we're old and gray.
You're the woman of my dreams
and that's not gonna change.
But we need to be open and
honest with each other--
- Honest?
Honest, Ernie?
You told me you were gonna
get the pig out of the house.
You call that honest?
- Geez, Joan, we'll get to that.
Can you please tell me where you've been?
- Okay, fine, you wanna
know where I've been?
Fine, fine, I'll tell you where I've been.
Last night my boss, he took
me out to dinner after work.
He called his wife and told her
he was going out of town for business.
From there we went to the W Hotel
where we basically
fucked nonstop for a day
and a half only stopping to eat and shit.
You want honesty, Ernie?
How's that for honesty?
At least someone's being
honest in this marriage.
- Okay.
Okay.
Well, thank you for being honest.
- Really?
Really?
That is your response to
me committing adultery?
- [Ernie] What do you want me to say?
- I want you to be a man!
I want you to show some emotion!
Maybe get a little bit
angry at some other guy,
maybe fucking your wife!
- Oh, yeah, I'm really
angry right now, okay?
I don't know how that's
gonna solve anything, though.
I mean, if we could have just
gone to therapy like I said!
(Joan screaming)
- I didn't fuck my boss!
I was at my mom's house last night!
I wanted one night out
of this fucking shithole!
(door slamming)
- That didn't sound great.
- Morning, sweetie.
Okay, so how long am I
supposed to put up with this routine?
You're on, like, a
different planet right now.
Okay, and, uh,
you have B.O.
Are you even aware of that?
Okay.
My wife is just ignoring my existence
like some smelly little space cadet,
but apparently I'm just
imagining all of this.
So, yeah, nothing's the matter.
Everything's fine, right?
Oh, and by the way, I know
you probably can't smell this,
but the place smells like
shit because the garbage
hasn't been taken out
for four fucking days!
Okay, and your mother's baked ham
that was sent to us from Fresh Direct
is stinking up the goddamn apartment!
So, how about we get in there,
we get your gloves on and
we clean the place up?
Unbelievable, unbelievable!
Where are my shoes?
I've got a pile of shoes here.
I have no idea which shoes are mine.
It's shoes everywhere!
I don't even, is this a linoleum floor?
I don't even know!
Got fucking shoes everywhere!
(upbeat rock music)
- So we're currently monitoring
Joe for side effects.
So far, so good.
As a side note, Ernie and I have been
having some creative differences,
which I ultimately feel could ruin
the direction of the narrative.
So, unbeknownst to Ernie, I've
decided to keep dosing Liz.
Because at this point I'm
not even through Act Two
and whether Ernie likes it or not,
I can't afford to finish this
movie without my leading lady.
(laughs)
- They can send a man to the moon,
but they can't make a printer
to print black and white
when one of the colors runs out.
Unbelievable.
(moaning)
What the fuck?
What are you?
Pull your pants up!
- [Joe] Buck, I'm sorry!
- And when you're through getting dressed,
I want you to pack up all your belongings
and never come back here again.
Okay?
(comical music)
- How's he doing?
You noticed anything?
- Hey look, Ernie, I
knew you're gonna be mad,
I just, I thought if we
lost the love element
we would lose our audience.
- I can understand this from him,
but from you, a married woman?
Having sex in a supply closet
with this perverted miscreant?
- [Ernie] Son of a bitch!
(grunting)
- What the hell are you doing?
- My marriage may be
ruined, but I'm not gonna
be responsible for ruining someone else's!
- Yeah, well, this was
all your idea, Ernie.
Never forget that!
- This film is over.
I'm testing Joan now for side effects
and I'm doing it alone.
- Well, you can't make
me not shoot my film.
I'll shoot anything I want
including you, asshole!
(Kurt laughs)
(camera thudding)
Oh, God!
- Good luck shooting your
film now, you psycho!
- Well, good luck returning
this camera, dickface!
- I want you out of my home!
Okay, you're not welcome there anymore!
And this time I mean it!
(door slamming)
- Come on, Ernie!
Come on, man, I'd be homeless!
Come on!
Shit.
Good luck tracking Dingleman
without a car, asshole.
- Taxi!
(banging)
Taxi!
- [Kurt] Joe, good old, Joe.
His life was as exciting
as it's ever been.
Thanks to our film project, Joe Dingleman
has found love of the highest caliber.
He was now living in
a squat on 13th Street
and Broadway with an
amazing woman in his life.
Things never looked brighter.
Maybe the Beatles were
really right after all.
Maybe love is all we truly need.
(playful music)
(crowd chattering)
- Hey, dude, don't just stand there!
Dude, you're standing in my shot!
Hey, pal.
Can you move out of the way?
You're standing in the shot.
I'm just trying to make a movie here.
- Gimme a smoke.
- Gimme a buck.
But seriously, can you
move out of the way, okay?
- Can I get a light?
So you're making a movie
with a fucking webcam?
- That's not a webcam, that's a GoPro.
And I'm shooting a
documentary and it's just one
of the cameras I'm
supplementing with, yes.
- What kind of shitty
documentary are you gonna make
with a shitty little camera like that?
- Shitty documentary?
I've got aerial footage
from a fucking helicopter!
I've got a live shootout scene.
But best of all, I got my hands on
this untested pharmaceutical drug
that makes roofies look like M&M's.
- Hey, could I see some footage?
- What, so now you're interested?
- Yeah, well, I know guys who
invest in movies all the time.
It's any good, maybe I could help you out.
- Alright, you wanna see something?
Check out this.
This smokin' hot piece
of ass, she's married
and she's banging this
homeless, smelly guy.
That's how powerful this shit is, man.
(Joe and Liz moaning)
(punching)
(thudding)
(tires screeching)
(dramatic music)
- Joe?
(ominous music)
- You're an evil man.
You messed with my family.
And I'm gonna hurt you in ways
you never imagined you
could be hurt before.
(exhaling)
Now, I want you to tell me
who your insider friend is.
And maybe then I'll
consider sparing your life.
- I'm not telling you shit.
- Well then, I guess I'll just have
to figure out some
creative ways to extract
that information from you then, huh?
(exhaling) Oh, boy, this is gonna be fun.
(Joe coughing)
♪ Let it shine ♪
♪ Let it shine ♪
(both coughing)
- [Liz] You okay, babe?
(dramatic music)
- Kurt, you're killing them Kurt.
The experiment is over.
You've gone too far.
- Does somebody have water?
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Are you alright?
(melancholy music)
- Hey, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, you tryin' to ruin
my fucking night, huh?
Hey, no, it's my kid's birthday
and the cops are gonna want my testimony
which will invariably drag on till
the wee fucking hours,
like it always does!
So if you're gonna jump, you do me a favor
and you wait till my shift is over
in the next 20 minutes, okay?
(thunder rumbling)
(rain splattering)
Yeah, yeah, okay good!
Thank you!
And look, not for
nothin', I don't know you,
and quite frankly, I don't
give a shit what you do,
but if you want my little two cents,
here's my little nugget.
In my estimation, most of the ones
that take the deep dip here,
they're the ones that aren't strong enough
to go after what they want in this world.
They bought into some
bullshit they were fed
in school or church, or by their mothers
about some Golden Rule
philosophy bullshit.
You think God gives a shit
about what you do, huh?
He don't fucking care!
God don't give a fuck about you!
That's why you gotta reach in
there and take it like a man!
Take it!
Judging by the looks of you, my guess is
you're just like one
of those pussy dipshits
who's gonna take the plunge.
So, sayonara, guy!
Just wait 20 minutes.
(Kurt sobbing)
- Come on, man.
You can let me go.
- Shut up.
- Come on, man.
- Shut up.
- Please, don't hurt me.
- Shut the fuck up!
I'm thinking you must be hungry.
I'll tell you what.
I'm thinking we kill two
birds with one stone.
I'm gonna go upstairs.
I'm gonna make a very generous offering
to the porcelain goddess.
And then when I'm through
you can dine on my deuce.
- Oh, God.
(yelling)
(grunting)
(suspenseful music)
If you love me you'll set me free.
- [Ernie] You need some help packing?
(ominous music)
(door opening)
(Kurt whimpering)
- No.
(crying)
No.
- Bon appetit, fucko.
- I knew you'd come around.
- So you ready to tell me who
your insider friend is yet?
(Kurt crying)
Still nothing, huh?
You must really like your breakfast then.
That's alright.
Plenty more where that came from.
I feel a new batch coming on.
(tender music)
Why you looking at me like that?
- [Kurt] Like what?
- It's the beauty in...
There's something in your eyes.
What the fuck am I saying?
- [Kurt] It's okay, man.
Everything's cool.
- I'm f--
I never felt this before.
- Can you unrope me?
I really need some fresh air.
- You're so beautiful!
- Maybe you could untie me so
I could get more comfortable, huh?
Besides, we should get
your wife some medication.
It's an anti-depressant so you have
to gradually decrease otherwise
she's gonna get withdrawal symptoms.
No.
I just need some fresh air, okay?
- Beautiful.
- No.
No.
(Kurt crying)
His name is Ernie!
- [Jake] I don't even care anymore.
Just kiss me.
- Ernie Mills! (screaming)
(crying)
- I haven't heard either
one of us cough lately.
I think we beat it, whatever it was, babe.
(chuckling)
- Yeah.
- Are you okay, babe?
- I don't feel good.
My stomach hurts.
- Oh, I have some Pepto.
I also have gastrointestinal issues.
Sometimes it can be quite turbulent.
There was this one time that I...
- I gotta go to the bathroom.
- Okay, babe.
I'll be right here, babe.
- Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
(crying)
(groaning)
(horns honking)
- I just did your laundry because
I was so in love with you.
And I found this.
You sick fucking psycho.
- I just wanted you to let me go.
- Ernie Mills, hmm?
(laughs)
Yeah, I'm gonna pay a little visit
to your good friend Ernie fucking Mills.
And after I cut him up
into tiny little pieces
I'm gonna come back
here and make you choke
on his tiny little dead fucking
dick, you piece of shit.
You wait right fucking here.
- No!
(grunting)
(television chattering)
- I want ice cream.
- J-babes, we said no more desserts.
- Oh!
- Besides, I need to start
researching grad schools.
- Mm-mm!
- J-babes, we're gonna get fat.
- No we won't.
It just means there'll be more
E-babes for J-babe to love.
(laughs)
Fudge mocha brownie?
Chocolate chip cookie dough?
- Cookie dough.
- Yeah, score!
Alright, I'll miss you.
- Hurry back.
- [Joan] (giggles) I will!
(Joan coughing)
(door opening)
- Hey, babe.
I'm making us some PB and J's.
We gotta start a diet Monday.
(footsteps clomping)
- Hi, Ernie.
I'd fucking love some PB and J.
- Please, please, don't hurt me.
Please just take anything you want.
Just don't hurt me.
- Oh yeah, this makes
perfect fucking sense.
Look at yourself, Ernie.
You're a pathetic piece of shit.
So what woman in her
right mind would ever,
ever, ever, ever, wanna
fucking be with you?
- Who are you?
How do you know my name?
- It's okay, I'm the one asking
the questions tonight, okay?
Thank you, though.
Hey, I'm curious, Ern.
How's the marriage going?
You happy?
- Yeah, it's good.
It's good.
- That's fucking great, man.
That's great fucking news.
I'm really happy to hear that.
'Cause you know what the most
important thing in your life is?
It's your woman.
It's your woman.
If your home life isn't straight
nothing else in your life
is gonna be straight.
Wouldn't you agree?
- Yeah.
- Oh, you wanna know
what's going on with me?
My wife left me for some reason.
- [Ernie] I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
Yeah, the love of my life, she just up
and fucking left me for some
fucking degenerate loser.
One minute we're talking about having kids
and starting our lives.
The next minute she's with some
fucking weak little fucking turd of a man.
Now, can you believe that?
Can you fucking believe that?
(laughs)
- [Ernie] I'm sorry, really.
- You take your sorries and shove 'em
up your ass, you piece of shit.
(Ernie cowering)
You know what's funny, Ern?
I bought this gun to protect
against home invasion.
(laughs)
I never in a million years thought
that I would actually use it someday.
Look at me you fucking piece of shit.
You took everything from me.
You took everything from me.
Everything I fucking care about.
Look at me!
- Please, don't!
- I am gonna blast your
fucking little face
off your fucking miserable little
head you fucking piece of shit.
Vaya con dios,
motherfucker.
- No, no, please.
Please, please.
(screaming)
(cracking)
(thudding)
- Can you believe the majors never took me
out of the farm leagues
with a swing like that?
- What the heck is going on?
- It's a long story and
nobody needs to know about it.
All I can say is the God for the
rope escaping classes
in my magician training.
- Who is he?
And why is he not moving?
- He's our leading lady's husband
and he's not moving 'cause
(ominous music)
he's dead.
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
- Will you give it a rest, Ernie?
We gotta get him cleaned up.
You have any trash bags?
(frantic music)
Come on, get his head.
Get his legs.
- [Ernie] Let's go, Joan's
gonna be back any second.
- Babe?
I went to three different delis and nobody
had any chocolate chip cookie dough.
So, chocolate chip mocha fudge
brownie is what we've got.
Ernie, where are you?
- [Ernie] Uh, just in the bathroom, babe!
- Can you hurry up 'cause I
have to pee really, really bad.
- No, no!
I blew it up real bad.
- (laughs) Okay.
Okay, I'll just make the ice cream.
You want some sprinkles?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'll have sprinkles.
Do we have any hot fudge, honey?
- [Joan] Let me check.
No, babe, I think we
used it all last weekend.
- Oh, no.
- [Joan] Yeah.
- Well, can you give me extra sprinkles?
- [Joan] Yeah, extra
sprinkles for you, E-babes.
- Okay.
- [Joan] Comin' right up.
(body thudding)
- Okay.
Honey, they called me into work.
I need to go.
I'll be back real soon, honey!
- What?
Ernie?
Ernie!
Well...
I can't eat the ice
cream without my E-babes.
(thudding)
- It's all over now.
- Yeah, we've killed a man.
We've made a woman a widow.
And we've broken another man's heart.
I hope it would be.
- Hey, don't forget you
got what you wanted.
You got your marriage back.
Hey, you know, put a move on it, Ernie.
I don't wanna be here all night.
It's gotta be three feet deep.
- Yeah, well, you could help!
- Actually, no, I can't.
Because I have a bad back because
I sleep in a cold steel van.
Maybe if you give me a
couple hundred bucks.
If I sleep in that van one more night
I'm gonna need back surgery.
(Ernie panting)
(ominous music)
- Six months and we can't even
get a proper diagnosis, honey.
All these specialists.
What the heck do they even
specialize in anyways?
(Joan wheezing)
You think they'd at
least be able to give us
some type of medication
to mitigate the symptoms.
(Joan sighing)
- [Kurt] Okay, keep your
eyes closed, Ernie, okay?
Alright, come on in.
Okay, so you remember that druggie kid
that we grew up with,
Danny Henderson, right?
- [Ernie] Yeah.
- [Kurt] Remember, he
was the one that ate 12
of his own $1 dollar bills for
$15 bucks in the 8th grade?
- [Ernie] Yeah.
- (laughs) Well, it turns
out that that little shit
has been living rent-free
for the past 12 years.
Like a squatter, you know.
He's been putting all
his money into crank.
- Okay.
- Well, he OD'd on
Tuesday and he's dead now.
- What?
Jesus, that's terrible!
- Yeah, well, not for me it's not.
Say hello to my new kick
ass bachelor pad, bro!
(laughs)
I mean, ladies have mad respect
for a guy with his own crib.
I'm gonna be banging like a
fucking bonobo up in here!
- Great.
- Oh, come on, man!
Can't you get excited
for me about anything?
- I said it's great.
Look, can we please, can we
talk about the issue at hand?
- Okay, well, I gave you
my opinion six months ago
before we started shooting the damn film.
- Yeah, well that was then.
I need your help now.
- Okay, can you look at
me with a straight face
and say that you're actually
happier with this sickly,
doped up lovey-dovey version of your wife?
- My life is hell without her, Kurt!
- Okay, well, by the looks of you, man,
it's more hell with her, but whatever.
- I don't know, just give me something.
You're the one with all the ideas.
- Are you fucking serious?
She looks like a fucking corpse, man!
You're gonna kill her!
- I mean, I thought there would
be some minor side effects, you know.
Jesus!
I just, I don't know what
I would do without her.
- Okay, man, I'll tell you
what you do without her.
Yeah, you're gonna go
into a fucking tailspin
and it's gonna seem like an endless amount
of pain for an endless amount of time.
But if you just ride it
out and you don't medicate
yourself on cheap drugs
or internet or whatever,
you might come to the realization that
you let someone else be
the star of your movie.
At which point if you
reach into your vagina
and pull out your retracted penis
you might start really doing something
that you actually want
to do with your life!
And you might also come to the realization
that drugging someone with a dangerous
pharmaceutical drug to keep them
loving you is absolutely fucking insane.
Okay, now finish your beer and
get the fuck outta here, man.
I got an early morning tomorrow.
- Since when do you have early mornings?
- Dude, I didn't tell you?
I started taking skeet
shooting lessons, bro.
And I'm fucking sick.
My instructor says that if I just
put in three or four hours for a week
for the next six months I can qualify
for the Olympics in 2016.
- What about your documentary?
- I lost the footage when
the van got impounded.
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole
wide world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me, brother ♪
♪ In his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me, brother ♪
♪ In his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got the whole
wide world in his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me, brother ♪
♪ In his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me, brother ♪
♪ In his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me, brother ♪
♪ In his hands ♪
♪ He's got you and me in his hands ♪
(wheezing)
- You feeling any better, babe?
- I love you.
- Not as much as I love you.
(Joan moaning)
(ominous music)
(Ernie crying)
(upbeat rock music)
- Ernie?
- Ernie?
- Ernie?
- Got it?
- Yeah, got it.
(dishes tinkling)
- Mr. Baldwin?
(dishes clattering)
Detective Denton and my
partner here, Detective Torres.
- We're bringing you downtown.
You're coming with us.
- I gotta pee.
- Oh, please, be my guest.
- Yeah, go to the bathroom.
- [Torres] Go ahead.
- [Denton] Make it quick.
- [Torres] Oh, there he goes.
- [Denton] He's leaving
out the fucking window.
(laughs)
Look at him go.
He's fucking, he's...
- Joan, what is this?
- Just sign the papers, Ernie.
- Okay.
(sighing)
Who's this?
- I'm Dan.
- Joan.
Joan!
- Bye, Ernie.
- Joan!
Joan, it's me!
Joan!
- So, I have two one bedrooms
we could take a look at.
- Hi!
- Whoa.
- Whoa, wow.
- Nice to see you.
I'm back!
(Kurt grunting)