Welcome to Woop Woop (1997) - full transcript

(TRAFFIC NOISE)

("PERHAPS, PERHAPS,
PERHAPS" PLAYS)

(HORN BEEPS)

(HORN BEEPS)

Let's make this
snappy, Mr…Bojangles.

WOMAN: That's what we
came all the way up here for?

Jesus, I hope they
come in other colours.

- I don't know where to begin.
- Ladies?

They're gorgeous.

Penzance, Cochrane,

Buttercup, Pumpkin,
Lolly, Arthur.



- This one has your eyes.
- (GASPS) Oh, my God.

Pick one. Go ahead.

Gorgeous. Oh, Pumpkin!

Just pick one.
I don't wanna know.

You selling these parrots?

They're not parrots.
They're galahs.

Cacatua roseicapilla.

Genuine Australian
bush cockatoo.

You should let 'em loose.
It's gonna be Christmas.

You know, kid, you're not
making this any easier.

- What you got there, huh?
- Mmm!

Did I care to mention that
bird has a champion gene?

That is third generation
Australian bush cockatoo.

I wouldn't lie to you, ladies.



I love these birds.

$1,000. That's what we said.

(BOTH CONTINUE BARTERING)

(SQUAWKS)

Hey, Jerome.

Nice watch, hmm?

(CHUCKLES) How'd
you find me?

See that watch? Is
that attractive?

It's an attractive fucking watch.
That's an attractive fucking watch.

- What is that… gold plate?
- 18-carat gold.

18-carat, alright.

And you… stow, bitch
and co, alright?

Au revoir, see
you fucking later.

- Take your turkey with you.
- Sure.

Uh, it's been a pleasure doing
business with you, Mr Bojangles.

Lady, that's $1,000.
Merry Christmas.

- Maybe.
- (WHISPERS) Let's go!

I don't know, but I think it's gonna
clash with the Francis Bacon, honey.

No, honey, it's… Alright.

Plan A… you punched my
ticket, drilled a hole in my ass,

leave me in a pool of blood.

Plan B… you take the day
off, go back to Mr Gilbert.

You say, "Mr Gilbert,
Mr Sullivan says",

"'Oh, what a difference a day
makes, '" gives him 24 hours.

He's here tomorrow
with your 10 grand,

and a fucking Surrey
with the fringe on top.

I'm gonna go with Plan C.

What's Plan C?

Give that guinea motherfucker
a close fucking cash-in!

Hold it, Jim-Jam!

Now, who the fuck are you?

That is not a very bright way to
talk to a girl with a .45 in your face.

Oh, right. (LAUGHS)
That's funny.

Where'd you get that?

Now, you put him down…

…and you do like I tell you.

This your whore?

I am not a whore.

She's an exotic dancer.

Wh…what is that, huh?
Is that like a stripper?

I AM CLASSICALLY TRAINED!

(CLEARS THROAT)

- Cuff him.
- She's fucking kidding me, right?

Cuff him to the that
up-down-thingy-whatsit pipe there!

Oooh, fuck, you piss me off.

Hey, hey, don't…freak
out or anything, alright?

- Right?
- Sylvia, are you on drugs?

(GUNSHOT)

- Yeah.
- You… fuck!

YOU SHOT HIM! You
can't shoot these people!

This is America, Teddy. I can
shoot who the hell I like.

- You fuck! My shoe!
- You shot his fucking shoe!

These people are
friends of mine!

I'm a fucking friend
of his, alright?

(GUNSHOT)

I never really did
like your friends.

SHIT!

- Sylvia, this is totally unacceptable!
- Bad move, O.J.

They're gonna come after me!
They're gonna blow my head off!

Shut up! Take a holiday! Don't
be a prick all your life.

(LAUGHS)

(GUNSHOT)

Sylvia, do you know
who these people are?

Do you have any idea what they're gonna
do to me when they find out about…

- Fuck you!
- Do you have any fucking idea?!

Why are you screaming at me,
dumb-ass?! I'm doing it for you!

(GUNSHOT)

Hey, where are you going?

Hey, where are you going?

I could… I could use
a little help here!

Be realistic, Sylvia.

See, what's in it for me?

See, you do it once, people
expect you to do it all the time.

- Teddy! Where are you going?
- Australia! I'm following my birds!

(GUNSHOT)

(COCKATOO SCREECHES)

Sonofabitch!

Stop! Hey! Hey!

Hey, don't shoot those…

PUMPKIN!

(HORN BLARES)

Dammit.

(HORN STOPS)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(QUIETLY) Shit. I'm sorry.

This is gonna hurt me a lot
more than it's gonna hurt you.

(BIRDS CRY)

(COUGHS)

- G'day. Fill her up, mate?
- Sure.

To the brim?

You got a shower I could use?

Cost you 10 bucks.

That's criminal.

No, mate. That's the price.

BOTH: Hi.

Oh, you bastard!

Where are you, you cunt?

Nice watch.

Hey, I didn't see you there.

You wanna toss
me that towel?

Towel's extra.

I'll flip you for it.

- Fuck me dead!
- What?

- You're a seppo!
- A what?

You're a bloody Yank!

A 'seppo'?

Oh, outta sight!

(CLEARS THROAT)

You haven't been in Australia
long, have you, you mongrel?

How'd you guess?

"Oh, that" be Young Lionel.
What are you doing there?

- Bloke could do with a lift.
- You could ask!

I could break wind, but I won't.

Anyone else?

You want a bite?

It's a Cherry Ripe.

It's good.

Yeah, I wouldn't have anything to do with
a person who didn't like a Cherry Ripe.

Have you ever had
an Almond Joy?

I'm that way about
an Almond Joy.

Finish it.

What's a seppo?

- A septic tank.
- Hmm, a septic tank.

No, you drongo, a Yank.

What's your name?

Angie. (BURPS)

- Thanks, brother!
- Hey, did you lose your shoe?

Nah, brother, I found one.

Hey, Lionel…watch
out for the big red.

You wouldn't be able to
spare me $20, would ya?

$20?

I'll pay you back!

I could do that.
I could loan you $20.

But I'm not gonna do that.
And you wanna know why?

Because you're gonna owe me.
You're gonna be in my debt.

- You're never gonna see me again.
- It's gonna eat away at you.

It's always gonna be there.

(CHUCKLES) So, you mean,
what's in it for you?

You'll thank me for this.

Give him $10.

Thanks, brother.
I'll pay you back.

(FLIES BUZZ)

(PLAYS DIDGERIDOO)

- So, what's the big red?
- Weird Abo shit.

(REGGAE "I GOT
YOU, BABE" PLAYS)

Fuck me dead, what's
that when it's at home?

Stuff.

Yeah, I know what me Daddy-O
would say. I can just hear him.

All we get in Woop
Woop is that Rogersan.

- Who?
- Rogersan.

You know, Rogersan
Hammerstein?

You know.

(SINGS) ♪ I'm just a
girl who can't say no

♪ I'm in a terrible fix

♪ Fix… ♪ (GIGGLES)

(BOTH SING) ♪ There
is nothing like a dame

♪ Nothing in the world

♪ There is nothing you can name

♪ That is anything
like a dame… ♪

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Are you married?
- No.

Pull over.

You like me, don't ya?

Sure, I like you.

Say it.

I just said it.

No girlfriend?

No.

What happened?

Nothing happened,
that's what happened.

You wouldn't lie to me,
would you, Teddy boy?

- Me, lie?
- You cross your heart?

- (GASPS) And hope to die!
- Ripper! (LAUGHS)

("THERE IS NOTHING
LIKE A DAME" PLAYS)

- Sock it to me!
- Sock it to you?

Root me stupid! Fuck me dry!

Root you stupid! Fuck you dry!

Arggh! Give her the pork sauce!

(COUGHS)

(GIGGLES)

Oh, Angie.

(GIGGLES)

Come on, seppo.

(PLEADINGLY) Sock
it to me again.

Oh, nobody says
"sock it to me".

Nobody says "sock it to me" since
Sly and the Family Stone in 1972.

Come on, Teddy boy.

Part my beef curtains.

(GASPS) Oh, God.

(GIGGLES)

(GASPS AND MOANS)

Don't stop!

Oh, Angie.

Don't you like me anymore?

Sure, I like you.
Just give me a break.

No, you don't!

("I'M JUST A GIRL WHO
CAIN'T SAY NO" PLAYS)

ANGIE: I'm as happy
as a pig in shit.

My first boyfriend. You
never had a boyfriend before?

Nope.

Never. You're the first.

(GIGGLES) I'm the first?

Yep, just quietly.

When you grow up in Woop
Woop, it's against the rules!

There's only 50 people
there, and we're all family!

- You should've told me.
- What's the difference?

- You should've told me.
- What if I said? What if I told you?

"Look, Teddy, I've never
done this before. I'm a virgin."

What… are you saying you
wouldn't have done it?

- That's not the point.
- So, what's the point?

The point is you
should've told me.

No, the point is you poked me,
mate. You did me like a dinner.

You're gonna dump
me, aren't you?

I'm not gonna dump you.

Why am I gonna dump you?

You do it all the time. It's
written all over your face.

A man would have to be sick
in the head to dump you.

Men spend their entire lives
dreaming of a girl like you.

You can dump me when we
get to the sea, but not before.

You promise me you're not
gonna dump me till I see the sea?

You've never seen the sea?

Nah.

You grow up in Woop Woop…

I'm not gonna
dump you, Angie.

I wouldn't lie to you.
I'll show you the sea.

("BALI HA'I" PLAYS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, you've made me that
happy, Teddy. Honest.

I mean, shit, I've never
been this happy in my life.

Fuck me dead!

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

That's a lot of sea!

Teddy boy, your
luck's a-changing.

I'd fuck the man in the
moon for a Cherry Ripe!

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY)
(LAUGHS)

You love me, don't you?!

Sure, I do!

- Say it, then!
- Say what?

Say you love me!

I just said it! I love you!

(SCREAMS) I love you!
I love you! I love you!

- You mean it?
- Cross my heart.

- Hope to die?
- Hope to die.

- Happy ever after?
- Happy ever after!

(SCREAMS)

(ANGIE CACKLES)

(PIG GRUNTS)

(DISTORTED MUSIC FROM
"SOUTH PACIFIC" PLAYS)

(SHRIEKS)

- G'day, boofhead.
- Who are you?

I'm your Uncle Reg.

Angie?

She can't hear you, mate.

Angie!

Brought you a
couple of cold ones.

You can pay me back later.

Should keep your fluids up
until the drugs wear off.

Drugs?

I told her 200ml,
but you know Angie.

What drugs?

She never knows when
to call it a day.

Where am I?

You'll be a bit shady for a day or
two… that's par for the course.

Just go with the flow, man.
Lie back and cop it sweet.

Think about Peter,
Paul and Mary.

"Where am I?" See,
that's a question.

When I ask you a question, you're
supposed to give me an answer.

We call that talking.

You talk too much, mate.

Hey, where you going?

Hey.

Hey! Hey!

Wait. Wait!

WOMAN: This him?

Hey, what did I tell you?
He's a classic, isn't he?

(GIGGLES)

Welcome to Woop Woop.

(CHUCKLES)
(FARTS) Pardon.

Fuck me dead!

(ANGIE SINGS)
♪ Getting to know you

♪ Getting to know all about you

♪ Getting to like you

♪ Getting to hope you like me… ♪

Tucker time! (GIGGLES)

Now, Reggie says you've gotta go a bit
easy, you being so crook and everything.

- Is coffee alright?
- Coffee's fine.

Coffee's pretty hard to
come by in Woop Woop.

I've been saving
this for three years!

And you know what I've
been saving it for?

For today, you drongo.

- My first brekkie with my new hubby.
- (CHOKES)

What?

It's Maxwell House.

Angie, I'm not your husband.

I saved you a bit of the cake!

It's lemon meringue.

I'm not sold on lemon
meringue myself.

I'm like you. I like chocolate.

Mmm.

Mmm…me Auntie… me
Auntie Di made it,

and she's famous for
her lemon meringue.

Angie, read my lips.
I'm not your husband.

We're not married.
There was no wedding.

Well, you wait till
you see the photos!

Now you get back down there.

Look, I know you don't
remember that much about it.

You were that crook we had to stick
you in the wheelbarrow for the vows.

- It was a beautiful day, Teddy.
- (GROANS)

It was the happiest day
of my life. (GIGGLES)

Now, where are those
fucking wedding photos?

"Cop it sweet and think
of Peter, Paul and Mary."

Ah! Got 'em. (GIGGLES)

Now, here we go.

Now this is me…yeah,
throwing the bouquet.

Oh, stand up, you duffer.

(GIGGLES) Whoa!
Head in the cake!

And there's Krystal, me sister.
There she is.

I'm going for a walk.

- What?
- A walk.

What do you want to
go for a walk for?

I hate you!

I make a home for you,
I cook you breakfast,

and what do you want to
go and spoil it all for?

(SOBS) It's my honeymoon!

WHAT honeymoon?

There isn't gonna be any honeymoon!
A honeymoon is totally unacceptable!

You whack me in the head,
you shoot me full of dope,

you toss me in a pig pen for a
week, and I wake up married!

I don't wanna marry you! I
don't wanna marry anyone!

- But you said.
- What?! What did I say?!

- You asked me.
- Well, I don't think so!

- On the beach, you said.
- I don't care what I said!

You said I was the girl of your
dreams. You said, "Happy ever after."

- "Happy ever after," you said.
- Forget what I said!

I didn't mean it. I'm a liar.

Ask anybody. I'm basically
rotten to the core.

Oops! (GIGGLES)
I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

(GROANS)

Oh, God. Ice. Get me some ice.

Ice? We got no ice!

Oh, man.

- What's that?
- Roo.

Kangaroo?

Yeah. I was gonna do it for your tea.
I was gonna do it in a pineapple glaze.

(MOANS)

- What… you don't like pineapple?
- (MOANS)

REGGIE: It's 11:57 and the
weather is fine and sunny.

Let's hear one for the
newly-weds, Ange and Boofhead.

Don't forget, Boof, you owe
me a couple of cold ones.

I like a man who
pays off his debts.

So, a couple of cold ones for Uncle
Reg, and a great big hot one for Ange.

Still 11:57 and the weather
is still fine and sunny.

Huh?

SONG: ♪ Getting to know you

♪ Getting to know all about you

♪ Getting to like you

(SINGS) ♪ Getting to
hope you like me

(COUGHS AND SPITS)

♪ Getting to know you

♪ Putting it my way, but nicely

♪ You are precisely

(SINGS) ♪ My cup of tea

♪ Getting to know you

♪ Getting to feel free and easy

♪ When I am with you

♪ Getting to know what to say

♪ Haven't you noticed

♪ Suddenly I'm bright and breezy

♪ Because of

(SINGS) ♪ All the
beautiful and new

(ALL SING) ♪ Things
I'm learning about you

♪ Day by day. ♪

Hey, mate! The boys would
like a word with you. (LAUGHS)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(CHUCKLES)

So, you're the dirty rat?

I guess.

You're the dirty rat's been
poking my little princess.

(CHUCKLES) I guess.

What do you mean, you guess? You
don't know if you've been poking her?

No, I… I know.

(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)

Good poke, is she?

No, no, no. You don't
have to answer that.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, well, personally I
can't see what she sees

in a hippie-looking numbat like you,
but I won't let that fuck me up.

I'll give you the benefit of
the doubt. (CHUCKLES)

Do the honours, Reg.

Hey! You're a rich
man, Boofhead.

United States of America. Gee.

Now, listen, your money's no good
to you here. No private property.

That's Ru… rule number one.

You come to live
in this community,

you donate all your capital and
other material assets to the town.

You're off the map, son!

As far as the seven o'clock news
goes, Woop Woop doesn't exist,

and that's the way we like it.

And that's the way
it's gonna stay.

Nobody leaves here
without my permission,

and that permission
is never given.

That's rule number two.

Any questions?

- Um…
- Huh? What?

What's he trying
to say, Moose?

I don't know, mate.

- It's just…me and Angie…
- Spit it out, Boof.

I never asked her to marry me.

You never asked her?

- You never popped the question?
- No.

- Are you suggesting she's a liar?
- No, no, what I'm suggesting…

Are you suggesting my
little princess is a liar?

That's what it sounds like to me.
What's it sound like to you, Reg?

He's saying she's a liar.

No… well, maybe if I
put it another way…

You poked her once, you poked her twice,
now you've gotta put your hand up.

You're a grown man, aren't
you? You're not a fucking grub.

Speak up, son, or we're not
gonna hit it off, you and me.

If we don't hit it off… and I
want to underline this in red…

if we don't see eye to eye, the
next thing you know… va fangula!

We're gonna be
having an argument,

and one of us is gonna end
up being the injured party.

And you'd be the
favourite, Boofhead!

You'd be odds-on, son!

You'd be London to
a fucking brick!

Nice. Lovely.

Slam the bag, Reg.

OK!

I'll shout for the bar.
Let's get stuck into it.

(ALL CHEER)

("SHALL WE DANCE?" PLAYS)

Teddy, come here! (GIGGLES)

Daddy said you and him
got on like a house on fire.

- He said that?
- Yeah. I knew you would.

They all said you wouldn't
fit in, but I said,

"Just you wait. You don't
know my Teddy." (GIGGLES)

Angie, Angie, Angie.

I said, "Find yourself
some nice big dill, hey?"

"Someone who says he likes you
before he says he loves you.

"Come back with Chips
Rafferty," I said.

And what do you do?

You come back with
Victor fucking Mature!

(FARTS) Oh! Pardon me.

Mum's been off her
feed, haven't you, Mum?

Yeah. Excuse the breezes.

It's her plumbing. (GIGGLES)

Nothing another can of piss
won't put a dent in! (LAUGHS)

(ALL CHANT)
Daddy-O, Daddy-O!

No, no, no.

- Daddy-O! Daddy-O! Daddy-O!
- I'm too pissed!

Daddy-O! Daddy-O! Daddy-O!

Come on! Where are
me jumper cables?

(ALL CHEER)

Have a look at him.

Happy as a bastard
on Father's Day.

I love ya!

(ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD)

He's a top bloke,
Daddy-O, you know?

Stay on his right side and
you've got a friend for life.

But you gotta
stick to the rules.

What's rule number three?

Rule number three is you don't do
the dirty deed with your next of kin.

Daddy-O! Daddy-O! Daddy-O!

Oh, you wouldn't be dead
for quids, would ya?

Hey, you know that
Gary Larson cartoon?

The one with the two elks?

He's got that one elk, Vern, he's got,
like, a target right here on his chest.

And the other elk's saying,
"Bummer of a birthmark, Vern."

That's fucking funny, mate.

That's me.

I'm Vern. I'm the elk.

Well, you'd better keep
your shirt on, Vern.

We wouldn't wanna
see you get shot.

REGGIE ON SPEAKER: Hello,
universe. This is your Uncle Reggie.

Don't bother looking for
us on your radio dial,

- because you haven't got one.
- (LAUGHS)

MAN: You get used
to it after a while.

- What is it?
- Garbage.

The grounds too
rocky to dig a hole.

When it gets too bad, everyone
has a major moan and we torch it.

It's sort of a public holiday.

Garbage Day.

Everyone gets stuck into the piss
and Reggie puts on a bit of a feed.

You know Neil Diamond?

Neil Diamond?

Yeah, I was gonna ask you…
you know what he looks like?

- He looks like you.
- Far out!

See, people are always
telling me I look like him,

but the only pictures I've seen
of him, he looks like a dag.

REGGIE: Good morning,
Auntie Di. We're watching you.

- Who's that?
- Neil Diamond!

- That's how he looks?
- Like a dag.

Like you, only Jewish. And bald.

Unreal, orange peel.

REGGIE: And now it's time for
Uncle Reggie's weather report.

(STEAM WHISTLE BLOWS)

("HAPPY TALK" PLAYS)

REGGIE: Not far off
Dog Day, everyone.

Get armed and get dangerous.

(WOMEN SING) ♪ You've
got to have a dream

♪ If you don't have a dream

♪ How are you gonna have
a dream come true? ♪

Woof Woof! (LAUGHS)

Woof Woof from Woop Woop.

- What?
- Dog food, mate.

We chuck in a bit of chaff
and we call it Woof Woof.

It's $1.29 a can in
Balgowlah Heights.

(ALL LAUGH)

She's an artist, your missus.

A lot of them girls, they're just hackers,
but Ange, she was born with it.

I reckon she'd give old Jack
the Ripper a run for his money.

Outta sight, Ange. You
are a bloody natural!

Come and get 'em!

(CHAINSAW BUZZES)

(SCREAMS)

("MY FAVOURITE
THINGS" PLAYS)

(COUGHS)

You set me up.

I can't believe it.

You hear about stuff like this.

Some Fox TV show with
some crazy old Mormon

with 16 wives and a
bazooka in the barn.

You'd never dream it.

And all the time, I'm thinking,
"Smile for the camera, Teddy."

"You got a date with the best
fuck in the Southern Hemisphere."

And all the time
you're measuring me up.

You get to breeding age, you go
out and find yourself a stiff dick.

Any stiff dick will do.

Do you really mean that?

What?

"The best fuck in the
Southern Hemisphere."

Angie, I need rest.

- A little rest, or a big rest?
- Big.

Extreme…death.
Death would be great.

Have a look at this, mate.

(GRUNTS IN PAIN)
(GASPS AND GIGGLES)

Damien, I can see her n…n…

Norks, mate. Norks. Woof!

(PANTS)

Hey, Midget?

MAN: Oi! You!

(GASPS)
(GUNSHOT)

(GUNSHOTS)

Fuck me dead!

Run!

Jesus Christ!

(LAUGHS)

Don't kill him! Don't kill him!

Don't kill him yet!
I wanna watch!

I wanna watch! Don't kill him!

Get him down! Serve
you right, you bastard!

OK. Kill him.

Shoot him!

OK, knock off the shooting!

Who the bloody
hell is it, Moose?

Midget, mate.

(MOOSE LAUGHS)

(COCKS GUN) Don't
shoot the hairdresser!

Who'll do me bloody wigs?

REGGIE: It's all over bar the
shouting. Thank you, ball boys.

A terrible waste of human life.

Thank you, everybody.
That's all for tonight.

The entertainment's now over.

You can all go back to
your homes and beds.

- Who was that?
- Midget, Krystal's dickhead husband.

They shot him in the back.

Serves him right.
He knows the rules.

(DOG BARKS)
Is that your dog?

I'm not having a dog in the
house, I'm telling you that now.

Come on, you bastard, get
out! Come on, out you go!

("CHOP SUEY" PLAYS)

(STEAM WHISTLE BLOWS)

Goodness gracious.

Looks like you might've
hit a roo or something.

- I swerved.
- Oh, big mistake.

Youse all do it.
You never listen.

The only good
roo is a dead roo.

You see a roo jump
out, va fangula!

Foot to the floor.
First rule of the road.

That's what, uh…that's
what your bar's for.

That's your roo bar.

So, what happened
here, exactly?

You reckon you can fix it?

What's in it for me?

Oh, 10 marbles a week,

and, uh…any time you wanna start
her up, come and see your daddy.

Well? What do you reckon?

Fuck me dead.

(GUNSHOT, GLASS BREAKS)

("GRANT AVENUE" FROM
"FLOWER DRUM SONG" PLAYS)

Now, there are three rules to
maintaining a happy chainsaw.

Now, can you remember
what they are?

Can you tell me…
(GUNSHOT)

(ALL SHRIEK) Jamie! Kevin!
You come back here!

Bastard!

You bloody mongrel!

(GUNSHOT)

Rack off!

Hey! Hey, that's my dog!

It's Dog Day!

Look, I don't care what
day it is. Fuck Dog Day.

You pop that dog, I'm personally
gonna haunt your dreams.

You'll never get a night's
rest for the rest of your life.

I'll shoot you if you like, cry like
a baby, say it was an accident.

Oh, tough guy.

OK, tough guy,
talk tough to me.

Hey, you alright?

(PIG GRUNTS)

(PIG GRUNTS)

Come on, guys. Find
the lady. Find the lady.

Alright. Follow her.
Follow her. Follow her.

Place your bets.

That's a big bet.

I'm a big girl.

Merry Christmas.

(ANGIE SINGS) ♪ Jingle bells
Jingle all the way

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh

♪ Hey!
Jingle bells… ♪

Merry fucking Christmas, you
beautiful bunch of bastards!

Ho ho ho bloody ho!

♪ Jingle all the way… ♪

Oh, gee. You shouldn't have.

Look, it's about these
pineapple chunks, Daddy-O.

Oh, that's Reggie's
department, love.

I kinda like those
pineapple chunks myself.

- Hey, Reg?
- Everybody's sick of 'em.

I could try and
organise some cherries.

- Are they nice?
- Oh, cherries are great, Pat.

Pitted cherries,
they're all the go.

- Oh!
- Oh, yeah?

Well, what about
me Marlboros?

- You on about that again?
- Too right I am.

How long are you
gonna go on about that?

Until I get me Marlboros.

Look, everyone in town gets
202 of Champion Ruby per week.

Jesus, Reggie. I'm not
asking for the fucking moon.

All I want is some filter tips.

- Now, now.
- Blow it out your arse.

SHUT UP!

- Goodwill to all men, eh, Reg?
- Yeah.

Alright.

Ah! Very good, Duffy.

There you go.

What?

Filthy little bastard.

Duffy! Are you out there?

Don't go in there, Duffy.

You value your ass.

Hey, Duff!

Duffy, you stinking little fucking mole,
don't make me come and get ya!

If you value my opinion,
Duffy, don't go in there.

Go on, mate.

10, 9, 8…

- 7, 6…
- DUFFY!

Good boy, Duffy.

I've been hearing some horrible
things about you, Duffy.

You know what horrible things
I'm talking about, don't you, eh?

Eh?

Laverne, where are you?

You want Laverne to tell everybody
the horrible things I've been hearing?

- No, Daddy.
- No, Daddy.

Moose, he's your boy.

He knows the rules.

The rules. There's
gotta be RULES, Duffy!

What do you do
when you crack a fat?

- I beat my meat.
- You beat your meat, don't you?

You flog your log!

You wank your shank!

You pull your pud!

But what do YOU do?

You go and root in the Ute!

The next thing you know, your
little cousin Laverne's up the spout!

- THEN what've we got, Duffy?
- Runts.

- Runts! What do we do with runts?
- Strangle 'em at birth.

We strangle them at birth!

You oversexed little maggot.

Hey! You wanna kill him?

You see that, all of Youse?

That's what you
get when you start

rooting your little cousins and
your brothers and your sisters!

You're gonna end
up bloody runts!

- Well, how about a nice carol?
- What?

- A nice carol?
- Oh, beauty.

(SINGS) ♪ Good King
Wenceslaus looked out

(ALL SING) ♪ On the
feast of Stephen

♪ Whilst the snow
lay round about

♪ Clean and crisp and even

♪ Brightly shone the
moon that night

♪ Though the frost was cruel… ♪

Excuse me!

Excuse me, I've got an
announcement to make!

Now, Mum keeps saying
I've been eating like a pig.

Which I have too. I'm
terrible. (GIGGLES)

It's 'cause I'm eating for two.

Fuck me dead!
She's up the duff!

ALL: Aww.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, bloody marvellous.
I'll shout for the bar!

(ALL CHEER)

What exactly do you mean?

Well, what do you think I mean,
Teddy? I'm dropping a sprog!

I'm having a fucking baby!

You lied to me.

You could say you
were pleased.

Pleased?! Pleased?!

- You're gonna be a father, Daddy!
- I don't wanna be a father!

- That's totally unacceptable!
- You lied to me!

- Ah, just quietly.
- No, you said you were on the pill!

I'm a woman in love,
Teddy. I can't help myself!

You can't get away with this.

You're gonna prove me wrong,
aren't you, Boofhead!

You're gonna make
me proud of you!

You're gonna make soil
myself, I'm that proud.

Am I right, my son?

("THE SOUND OF
MUSIC' PLAYS)

ANGIE: I love you, Teddy.

(SOBS AND VOMITS)

(BARKS)

(SINGS) ♪ The hills are alive

♪ With the sound of music… ♪
(ALL PROTEST)

♪ With songs they have sung

♪ For a thousand years

♪ The hills fill my heart… ♪
What's he doing here?

You don't bring the dog to the
fucking pictures! Get rid of it.

- Go. Go. GO!
- (BARKS)

♪ My heart wants to beat like
the wings of the birds that rise

♪ From the lake to the trees

♪ My heart wants to sigh
like a chime that flies

♪ From a church on a breeze… ♪

(WHISPERS) I gotta
go to the bathroom.

Ones or twos?

DADDY-O: Here we go.
Go for it! Go for it!

(ALL SING) ♪ Doh, a
deer, a female deer

♪ Ray, a drop of golden sun

♪ Me, a name I call myself

♪ Fah, a long, long way to run

♪ Soh, a needle pulling thread

♪ Lah, a note to follow soh… ♪

Look at the full-fonlvard! In
the fucking back, you moron!

He couldn't get a
jump in a brothel!

What we need is another
Cazaly. That's what we need.

(DING!)

Wiener schnitzels with
an egg on the top.

JULIE ANDREWS:
I couldn't stay.

I knew that here I'd be
away from it, I'd be…safe.

(MAN WHISPERS) Shh!
Shut up! Here she comes!

Here it comes. Here it comes.

- What is it you can't face?
- ALL: What is it, you cunt face?

(ALL CHEER)

What'd I miss?

"What is it, you cunt face?"

REGGIE ON SPEAKER: It's time now
for Radio Woop Woop traffic report,

and there's an old trolley
that's blocking the pathway

between the
school and the pub.

So stay away from there

until the bastard who did
this is caught and punished.

Tell you what, Boofhead… I think
you're gonna need a bigger bus.

What's the 'big red'?

Yo, Duffy! You
hear people talking.

"Did you see the big red?
Watch out for the big red."

"The big red's gonna get you."

It's a big red roo, mate.

("THE LONELY
GOATHERD" PLAYS)

Wow.

The Abos reckon there's a big red
roo… 20ft tall, carries off kids and that.

They reckon it can kill
a man in one punch.

They're full of far-out shit
like that. They're Abos.

Well?

How's she coming
along, Boofhead?

Eh?

Shit.

Well, fuck me dead.

Is he a fucking genius?!

He's a fucking…fucking genius!

You could've told me!

Boofhead, to be honest with you,
I never thought you'd crack it.

Hey, Reg! Give the Boofhead
here a 20-marble bonus.

We got a genius in the family!

Hey, listen, mate… have you got
another trick up your sleeve?

(ALL EXCLAIM)

All I need now is a volunteer.

I need a beautiful young lady
to accompany me on stage.

I'm pregnant, aren't I?

A thin, beautiful
young lady, please!

I'm getting lonely up here.

Ah! A beautiful young lady.

Step right up.

Step in the box. Feet first.

Trust me.

(ALL GASP)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, wait a minute!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(ALL CHEER)

("IT MIGHT AS WELL
BE SPRING" PLAYS)

TEDDY: I don't fit in here.

Bottom of my heart, this
is totally unacceptable.

I mean, look…
these used to be white.

You talk too much.
Anyone ever tell you that?

My mother.

Yeah, how you talk too
much for your own good?

- Story of my life.
- There you go again.

You know, you don't fit in
here any more than I do.

What makes you so sure?

I'm a good judge of character.

You making me an offer?

No, but I'd be happy to.

This stuff might work
where you come from,

but I tell you, it's not
gonna work here.

That's too bad. You change
your mind, you let me know.

You know, you might
be the last one to know.

Why is that?

Because I'm a good
judge of character too.

MAN: TEDDY!

- Mr Bojangles!
- What?

Mate, Duffy says you'd better
come and have a look at…

(SPLUTTERS)

You reckon you can put
it back together again?

Why?

Why? 'Cause you're a fucking
genius, that's why, son.

Why'd you kill the dog?

Eh? Oh, that wasn't me.
No, that was young Leon.

He shot the dog.

- It was Dog Day, wasn't it?
- It wasn't Dog Day.

Dog Day was last week.

Oh…well, you know Leon.

These young boys,
they love their sport.

It's Dog Day every day.

What are Youse all fucking
looking like that for?

Got it! You're out, you bludger!

(ALL CHEER)

You mongrel.

DADDY-O!

You're not a well man, Daddy-O.
You're sick in the head.

Tell him. Tell him
what you saw, Duffy.

What did you see, Duffy?

Duffy?

Everybody's getting on Big Pat
about the pineapple chunks.

MAN: Bloody right.

And all the time, you,
Reggie, and my man Moose

are up there in the
Founding Fathers Club

eating wiener schnitzel and
watching the game on TV.

Is that what you saw,
Duffy… wiener schnitzel?

Tell him.

Tell him about the Marlboros.

(WHISPERS) Go ahead, Duffy.

- Tell 'em what you saw.
- Nothing.

He's scared.

And you're not, eh?

What are you gonna do,
Daddy-O… shoot me in the back?

What… are you fucking stupid?

You've got pretty sizeable
balls, young man…

…for a Yank.

I suppose you could verify
that, couldn't you, Angie…

the sizeableness of his balls?

Relative to the
average man, that is.

At a pinch.

You see that mine
over there, son?

That's the old CMG
asbestos mine.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

My father died in that
mine. Reggie's father.

Fire underground.
Terrible thing.

Burned for 40 days.

Is that correct, teacher?

- '79?
- That's correct.

That's when they give this
land back to the Abos.

Abos are pretty thin on the ground…
you might have noticed that.

But this is Abo land!
They didn't want it.

A couple of hundred
people. Two generations.

But some Richard Cranium on
the 21st floor in Martin Place

snaps his fingers and it's gone!

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

They got a rubber, and
they rubbed it off the map.

We kicked up a bit of a
stink, didn't we, Moose?

Made the papers
for a week or two.

"Life's too short for some shit of a
place in the dead heart of Australia."

"I'll call you back."

They gave us a few bucks
and they told us to piss off.

They put us on a truck, me and
Ginge and the kids. Moose and Pat.

Couple of dozen people,
all that was left…

they put us on a semi,
drove us to Fremantle.

But we didn't buy it,
did we, Ginge? No.

The big, bad world.

Didn't sit right.

Sydney. Fremantle.
Too many red lights.

Too many pollies. Too many
reffos. Too much fucking chaos.

What do you think we did?

Came back.

We came back, didn't we?

It's not much, is it?

It's too fucking dry!
Too fucking hot!

Too many bloody
flies! But it's ours!

You might think that
doesn't amount to much.

But it's fair dinkum.
It's WOOP WOOP!

I think that's worth fighting for.

Hands up all of Youse who
thinks that's worth a fight!

CROWD: Yeah!

Didn't see you there.

That was a really brave thing to do, you
know, calling Daddy-O's bluff like that.

I wouldn't have thought
you had it in you.

(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, sure.

Well, it wasn't real
clever, but it was brave.

Isn't that so often the way?

REGGIE ON SPEAKER: Well,
the weather is fine and sunny.

Pictures, tonight?

(ALL SING) ♪ There is
nothing like a dame

♪ Nothing in the world… ♪

Jerry Garcia's seeds, man.

♪ That is anything like a dame

♪ Nothing else is
built the same… ♪

(COUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Hey, bloody good shit, eh?

(MAN SINGS) ♪ Like
the silhouette of a dame… ♪

Silly poofter.

(MAN SINGS) ♪ …like
the frame of a dame… ♪

Come in!

Just help yourself.

Not to miss anything.
Not to let anything good…

BOTH: Pass by.

(MAN SINGS) ♪ Some
enchanted evening

(ALL SING) ♪ You
may see a stranger

♪ You may see a stranger

♪ Across a crowded room

♪ And somehow you know

♪ You know even then

♪ That somewhere
you'll see her again… ♪

MAN: Again and again
and again and again.

So, how do you do this?

Reggie. He's got a soft spot for me
after what happened to Midget.

Tell me about Midget.

Do I have to?

No. I'm just curious.

Did you bang him with 250ml of
Thorazine or was he a volunteer?

I met him in Kununurra.
He was a hairdresser.

See, I always wanted to have
my hair cut like Elizabeth Taylor.

You know, like in 'Cleopatra'.

You should have seen
it. It was a shocker.

He was a hairdresser.

Yeah, I know. You should have
seen him do Barbra Streisand.

It was such a hoot.

So why was he climbing a rock
face at 2am in the morning?

I know how it looks.
I don't blame you.

Daddy-O's losing the plot. You
heard him. He just loves this place.

He's a romantic at heart.

He shot your husband.

Well, he knew the rules.

Krystal, you give
a thing a name.

He shot him in the back and
he minced him up for dog food.

What's going on?!

- Nothing.
- Shut up, you fucking wombat!

Has he been putting
the hard word on you?

She's my sister, Teddy. She's
a widow and she's in mourning.

I take my eyes off
you for five minutes!

- Please, Angie, don't get so angry.
- Yeah, Angie, don't get angry.

- I know what you're up to.
- You do?

What, you think I don't
know? You think I'm blind?!

Honey, what are
you talking about?

And I'll tell you this for
nothing, you big nought.

You think you can
cut my lunch?!

You know, you shouldn't get drunk
all the time… you being pregnant.

He wouldn't touch
you with a 40ft pole.

And you shouldn't
smoke so much.

And you know why?
You're a dry sandwich.

You couldn't get a fuck
in a Frankfurt factory.

Yeah. You're going to
the grave unopened.

(SCREAMS) TEDDY!

You know how to
hot-wire a 40-tonne truck?

Nope, but I know
how to drive one.

Come on! Get out of here,
you dumb bastard! Go on, get!

(MIMES) ♪ I'm gonna wash
that man right out of my hair

(ALL SING) ♪ I'm gonna wash
that man right out of my hair

♪ I'm gonna wash that man
right out of my hair

(MIMES) ♪ And send
him on his way… ♪

You get the picture?

- Alright, Herbie, I'm ready for him.
- Alright.

Come on, mate. Come
here. Lovely! Lovely!

(COUGHS)

Oh, fuck!

Look out. I'm a doctor.

Oh, Ginge. She'll be alright.

Nothing another can of piss
won't put a dent in, eh?

(GURGLES)

- G'day, Reggie.
- Hi, love.

Have you got an appointment?

Oh, no, mate. I just
need a hand, you know.

I'm not sleeping.
I'm worried sick.

- I'm worried about your dad.
- Dad?

How about Mum? It's
doing my head in.

He's been going a bit
far lately, I reckon.

He's blind to things
sometimes, you know.

Blind? He's not blind, mate. He
just looks the other way. Thanks.

Take them all at once.

You're the biggest wanker.

You've been wanking all
your life, haven't you?

- Haven't you?
- Yes.

What the bloody hell do
you think you're doing?!

You add a little salt. You stimulate
the enzymes. Gives it good head.

We all like a good head.

Give us a go at that.

Mmm!

Well, I'll be buggered.

It's good.

Hey, give us a go,
you boofhead.

("THE GENTLEMAN IS
A DOPE" PLAYS)

Krystal!

Krystal!

(COUGHS WEAKLY)

Is that you, Boofhead?

It's me plumbing, Teddy.

I heard.

Hey, you done a great
job on the vee-dub…

everyone says,
except Daddy-O.

But Daddy-O won't live forever.

You got a big future
in this town…

…Teddy-O.

- Thanks.
- (COUGHS)

(WHISPERS) Give her a kiss.

(MOUTHS)

(WHISPERS)

(FARTS) Pardon me.

ALL: Eugh!

Fogged my glasses.

They drank it.
Daddy drank two.

He's tough, though. I don't know
how long he's gonna stay down.

She's my mother, Teddy.

I got the keys!

She's my mother. She's dying.
What do you expect me to do?

It's now or never. We're never
gonna get this chance again.

You go.

What about you?

Just go. There's
nothing in this for you.

(SIGHS)

Quit your snoring, Ginger. Jeez!

(COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS)

(COCKATOOS SQUAWK)

G'day, Ginger. This
one's for you, mate.

("HELLO, YOUNG
LOVERS" PLAYS)

Dad?

She's a real good sort,
your mum. Yeah.

Prize-winner in her day.

Daddy?

You know that… (COUGHS PROFUSELY)
…hack of hers all the time?

That's that bloody asbestos.

It's nothing. She'll
get over that.

Yeah.

Look at me! Never
did me any harm.

(WHISPERS) Dad.

(SHOUTS) What the bloody
hell do you want, Krystal?!

She's gone.

What, are you still
here, are you?

To Ginger.

There, get your jacket on.

That's it. Now…

Come on, Daddy. Come on. Come on!
Come on. Come on. We gotta go.

("YOU'LL NEVER
WALK ALONE" PLAYS)

(SOBS AND WHISPERS
INAUDIBLY)

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Pardon me.

I'm out of here, you
mongrel. Shit, my watch died.

- Teddy?
- (GASPS)

Where have you been,
you naughty boy?

Hmm?

Reggie reckons it's twins.

Wouldn't that be too much?

I've been trying to
think of some names.

How about Sonny and Cher?

Here. You feel 'em?

Oooh, you're a naughty girl.

I'm a naughty girl. I'm
a naughty, naughty girl.

Naughty, naughty girls need
to be tied up…and spanked.

Oh, Teddy. Pump
my spam castanets.

Teddy?

You got me, Duff. All
you got to do is whistle.

(LAUGHS) You know me, mate.

I couldn't whistle if
my arse was on fire.

("CLIMB EV'RY
MOUNTAIN" PLAYS)

TEDDY: You got a big
future in this town, Duffy-O!

(SCREAMS)

Hi.

DADDY!

If we get out of here…
if I ever get this rig to shift…

I got a couple of
things in the pipeline,

something maybe you
might be interested in.

Is that an offer?

Most definitely.

(ENGINE STARTS)

What the bloody hell do
you think you're doing?!

He's mine! I found him!

Not for long, the
bastard! Get in, princess.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You look sad.

It's my face. I have a sad face.
Whole family's the same… sad sacks.

This is the world's
greatest illusion.

But don't you feel
sad about the baby?

No, I don't feel sad
about the baby.

Well, I do. I feel awful.

She's not pregnant.
You feel better now?

She just said that to
attract my attention.

But how do you know
she's not pregnant?

(SIGHS) She told your mom.

Hah! What a girl.

(GUNSHOT)

(SCREAMS)
Get down! Get down!

Come on, Daddy-O! Come on!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, fuck it!

I got you, Boofhead. I'm up
your arse, you little bastard!

I was good to you! I took you in! I
could have squashed you like a grub!

Well, you know something?
I've had a gutful!

You're gonna shoot me… the
father of Angie's unborn child?!

Shoot the fucker, Dad!

Oh, fuck it!

(SCREAMS)

- You bastard!
- Angie, please, sit down!

I'll get you, you bloody Yank!

Angie, SIT DOWN!

You poofter!

Get a hold of him, Ange!

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

("MY FAVOURITE
THINGS" PLAYS)

Hit 'em! Hit 'em!

Whoo! Hit 'em!

I'll get him!

Krystal, get FUCKED!

No, stop! I'm gonna
squash them!

I'm up your ass, Daddy-O!

KRYSTAL!
Hit 'em! Hit 'em!

(THUMPING)

(GASPS)

Daddy-O! Daddy, look!

(ABORIGINAL MUSIC,
MAN CHANTS)

Is that…?

What is it?

Va fangula!

First rule of the road.

Where'd they go?
Where'd they go?

(SCREAMS)

Did you see that?

No.

(GUNSHOT)

Fuck me dead.

(SOBS PATHETICALLY)

("CLIMB EV'RY
MOUNTAIN" PLAYS)

(PLAYS DIDGERIDOO)

(SQUAWKS)

(TECHNO VERSION OF "YOU'LL
NEVER WALK ALONE" PLAYS)

(BELL RINGS)

G'day, can I help you?

("I GOT YOU, BABE" PLAYS)

TEDDY!

Morning, Elliot. What?

Meet Sonny and Cher.

BOTH: G'day, Dad.

(SQUAWKS)