Weird Science (1985) - full transcript

This is so beautiful.

You know it, Gary.

Look at her.

Do you know what I would like to do?

Shower with them.

Then, bang!
We hit the city, baby, dead on.

For a little drinks,
a little nightlife, a little dancing.

Dancing.

We throw a huge party,
I mean, huge party.

Everybody's invited, women everywhere.

All these girls, they're all there.



- Naked bodies everywhere.
- Gary.

- They all know my name.
- Gary!

- What?
- Nobody likes us. Nobody.

Why are you messing with the fantasy?

We know about the reality.
Don't ruin the fantasy, OK?

And then, we're hip, man.
We're popular. We're revered.

- Man...
- We're studs.

When the smoke clears, right,

those two dames

fall amazingly, completely and totally
in love with us, Wyatt.

Check it out.

Yo! Check us out!

Look, we're sorry about...

♪ She's alive



- ♪ She's alive!
- ♪ Weird science

♪ Weird!

♪ Weird science

♪ Plastic tubes and pots and pans

♪ Bits and pieces and magic
From my hand

♪ We're making weird science

♪ Things I've never seen before
Behind bolted doors

♪ Talent and imagination

♪ My creation

♪ Is it real?

♪ It's my creation

♪ I do not know

♪ No hesitation,
No heart of gold

♪ Just flesh and blood

♪ I do not know,
I do not know

♪ From my heart and from my hand

♪ Why don't people understand
My intentions?

♪ Ooh, weird science

♪ Ooh! Ooh!

♪ Weird science

- ♪ Weird science
- ♪ Bits and pieces and bits and pieces

- ♪ And bits and pieces
- ♪ Science... ♪

'Down. Down, you fool.'

You know, this isn't very scary, Gary.

"I Spit On Your Grave" is scary.
This is, um...

It's very mild.
It's timid, you know.

The old stuff is more funny than scary.

I believe the word is "camp".
It's campy.

'The moon's rising.
We've no time to lose.'

You ever see "Dawn of the Dead"?
"Dawn of the Dead" scared me.

It really scared me.
I slept with my parents for a week, OK?

I had to call my grandmother
in the night

to discuss my childhood with her
for three hours.

I was really petrified.

'He's just resting,
waiting for a new life to come.'

That would've been so much cooler
if Dr. Frankenstein had made a girl.

Don't burn the butter, alright?
Ticks me off.

I mean... I personally would've
made a girl, you know.

They did make a girl,
"The Bride of Frankenstein".

- I think it was released in '35.
- It was '34, alright?

She was a scag, Wyatt,
she had, like, electric hair.

If they made her beautiful,
she wouldn't go out with the monster.

That's a good point.

'...his insane ambition
to create life.'

- Where'd your parents go, anyway?
- Cincinnati.

They're meeting the guy
that my sister wants to marry.

Chloe?
Who the hell would marry Chloe?

He's studying to be a vet.

Try not to make a mess in there, Gary.
The maid doesn't come till Monday.

I don't understand something, Wyatt.

How come your parents trust you?
They never let you do shit before.

Chet's coming home from college
for the weekend. They trust him.

He's in charge.

Chet? Oh, shit!

I can't believe this, Wyatt.

I really wish that you told me this
before I agreed to sleep over.

You know how I feel about Chet.
How do you put up with that guy?

If I don't,
he beats the shit out of me.

It's a habit he picked up
in military school.

How do you put up
with that putz?

What can I say?
He's very protective of me.

Nice relationship.

'...there you have his mad dream.

'Look! There's nothing to fear.

'Look... no blood, no decay,
just a few stitches.

'Go on. Fix the electrodes.

'You'll have plenty to be afraid of
before the night's over.

'The storm will be magnificent.

'All the electrical secrets of heaven.

'And this time we're ready.
Hey, Fritz?

'Let's have one final test.
Throw the switches.'

'Here in this machine,
I have discovered the great ray

'that first brought life into the world.

'And, look, here's the final touch.

'The brain you stole, Fritz.
Think of it.

'The brain of a dead man
waiting to live again

'in a body I made
with my own hands...'

- You know, that's not a bad idea.
- What?

'In 15 minutes,
the storm should be at its height...'

Making a girl.

Actually making a girl.

Just like Frankenstein.

Except cuter.

- You're serious.
- Yes.

Look me in the eyes.

Do I look serious?

- 'You're crazy!'
- 'Crazy, am I?

'We'll see whether I'm crazy or not.'

Gary Wallace, that's absolutely gross.
That's sick.

I'm not digging up dead girls. It's...

No, I'm not talking about digging up
a dead girl, Wyatt.

I'm talking about your system, idiot.
Your computer.

OK, you know how you're always talking
how you can simulate all that stuff

on your computer, you know?

What's the difference?
Why can't we simulate a girl?

I don't know.
I guess I could, but why?

It's two-dimensional on the screen.
It's not flesh and blood, Gary.

I know that, but we can use it, Wyatt.
We can ask it questions.

We can put it in real-life sexual situations
and see how it reacts.

Like real sick, demented shit.
You'd love it.

Well, what about your girl in, um...
Canada?

She lives in Canada. This girl has
no morals. I don't like that in a girl.

It's rough having those kind
of relationships. You'll see.

Anyway, get to work.

Very nice.

I'm telling you, Wyatt. If there's
one thing I know, it's female stats.

Anything bigger than a handful,
you're risking a sprained tongue.

You know, and...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Perfect.
- OK. Now what?

Should we give her a brain?

- Yeah. We can play chess with her.
- Chess?

Just give her a brain, OK?

OK, that's about all we can do
with my stuff.

I can't believe this shit.
I can't believe this.

Did you get a free toaster
with this, too?

Gary, it's smarter than you, OK?

- The problem is, it's a lame idea, OK?
- It's not a lame idea.

The problem is your computer's a wimp
and we need a lot more power than this.

What do you suggest?

'We have code penetration,
we have program entry.

'I repeat, we have code penetration,
we have program entry.

'Activate LAN trace.'

We're in.

We're in trouble, Gary.

This is highly illegal.

Well, you need more input.
We got to fill this thing up with data.

We gotta make her
as real as possible, Wyatt.

I want her to live,
I want her to breathe.

I want her to aerobicize.

'It's live! All Dave, all night!

'We know what you need.
Only right here on Dave TV!'

Look at this. It's moving, it's working.
It's doing itself.

It's working by itself.

Gary?

By the way, why are we
wearing bras on our heads?

Ceremonial.

- You ready?
- Yeah. Let's go.

- Turn it off!
- It is off!

Hang up the phone!

- Wyatt, what's going on?
- I don't know!

- Well, unplug it!
- OK!

Oh, shit!

No! It was a birthday present!

Oh, shit!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, shit! We got to get this thing
out of your house!

You get it out! It was your idea!

This is all your fault, you son of a bitch!

Hit the lights out!
You get it out!

I'll get it out!

- Whoa!
- Aargh!

Ah, shit!

One, two, three.

'She's alive. Alive!'

So... what would you little maniacs
like to do first?

You guys created me.
I didn't come from anywhere.

Before you started messing around
with your computer, I didn't even exist.

By the way... you did an excellent job.
Thank you.

Hello?

Showering's real fun, isn't it?

If we're going to have
any kind of fun together,

you guys had better loosen up.

What are we going to do with her?

Look... we'll just go
with the situation, OK?

I'm sure by Sunday,
you'll think of something.

You're a very bright guy.
I have a lot of faith in you, OK?

- Alright?
- I'm just being practical.

Well, I know you are, OK?
And I appreciate it.

Let's go.

What are we going to do
about this mess?

Wyatt, you'll have plenty of time
to clean up tomorrow, OK?

OK, but don't get any B.O. on Chet's suit,
or he'll kill me.

- Where are we going, anyway?
- I dunno.

She said we're going to go downtown...
Oh, my God! Whose stuff is this?

- Is that your suit? Wait, is this yours?
- Oh, shit.

Holy shit!
Wyatt, what's going on here?

- Gary, I don't know!
- I don't know what's going on here!

You look good, though, alright?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- So, did you steal this car?
- No, I didn't steal the car.

How'd you get it?

I can get anything I want.

- And right now, I want to party.
- Party?

Yeah, and you better think up
a name for me, too.

What name do you want?

You guys created me,
you think of a name for me.

How about Lisa?

Why Lisa?

Why not?

- He used to like a girl named Lisa.
- Oh, yeah? Old girlfriend?

She kicked him in the nuts.

Will you shut up?

Look, Gary, it wasn't your fault.
All you said was hello to her.

Yeah, look, Wyatt, shut up!

Hey, guys, I like Lisa.
That'll do just fine.

OK, you guys ready to rock?

- Ready.
- Ready.

- Lisa?
- Yeah?

- I don't think we belong here.
- Don't be silly. It's a public place.

Look, I'm sure we'd both love to stay,
but we're not 21, so I think...

You're 21. You're 21.

Well, maybe you'd feel better
if you just got out there and mingled.

We don't mingle, OK?

Well, maybe you'd be comfortable
if I invited all these people

back to your house
and we could all mingle there.

- We'll mingle.
- We'll mingle.

Hi, dudes.

Well, goddamn!

Listening to this blues music
reminds me

of my own trials and tribulations
as a young guy and, uh...

You know, my folks, they really,
really dump on me. They really do.

So, you guys get along
with your parents?

I guess you guys moved out
by now though, huh?

- Uh, what's this, sir?
- Drink it.

Uh...

That's a very sweet thought of both
you gentlemen, but I really don't...

Until now.

See you guys
in the emergency room, huh?

Hello, pretty lady.
Tell me something.

What's a beautiful broad like you
doing with a malaka like this, huh?

It's purely sexual.

No shit.

She's into malakas, Dino.

She's into malakas!
Do you believe that?

You can say that again!

Fats, man...
let me tell you my story, man.

Last year, I was insane
for this crazy little 8th-grade bitch.

- OK?
- Crazy insane?

- Insane?
- Crazy?

I was nuts for the woman, man.

Now you gotta believe me,
I'm telling the truth here.

I'm speaking to you.
I mean, I was nuts for the girl.

And what did it to me
was these big titties she had.

For a 13-year-old girl, man!

She wouldn't have had to worry about
no titties for the rest of her life, boy.

You know, she was set
and she was looking good.

That's the truth, baby.

I called her every night
for, like, a month.

I mean, I'm talking devotion, man.

Every damn night?

Every night, Mitch.
I ain't playing with you.

On the telephone?

What's this boy talking about,
on the telephone, man?

Explain it to him.

Goddamn.
We know there's a telephone, boy!

- What the hell he think I'm doing?
- But he hung up on her.

Oh, you didn't hang up on her?
The chick with those big, big titties?

I hung up on the bitch.
Now here's the capper.

- You know what the bitch did to me?
- Lay it on me.

Check this shit out.
Listen to what she did to me. She...

She kneed you in the nuts and
called him faggot in front of everybody.

- She did what?
- Bitch kneed your nuts?

Bitch kneed my nuts!

Bitch. I'm not playing with you.
I ain't teasing, man.

- In the family jewels?
- In the family jewels, man.

- Worst pain there is.
- Broke my heart in two.

- She broke more than your heart.
- You're right there, baby.

You can forget that other one.

You got this fine jewel
sitting right over here by you.

- Yeah.
- Ain't that the truth, baby?

- That's the plain truth...
- Uh-oh, there he goes!

- Party's over.
- Party's over, said the girl.

I'm gonna get out of here. I got money
for you right here. $50 for you.

- I got $500 that boy won't make it.
- I bet he's gonna make it.

♪ Ooh, baby,
Baby, you know I love you

You know, I really shouldn't be driving.

Hey, listen, I appreciate it. You know,
I really just don't feel like driving.

OK, forget it. I'll drive.
Give me the keys!

Give me the keys!

Is he going to be all right?

I don't know. I warned him
about that Blind Dog bourbon.

Hey, he don't even have
his license, Lisa.

He's not lying.
I don't even have a learner's permit.

Hey, let's scout another party, man.

What are you gonna tell Chet
about me?

Nothing.

Nothing?

That's not very realistic, Wyatt.

Look, I don't know. I'm just trying
to concentrate on the road.

You better concentrate a little harder.
You're about to run a red light.

Oh, shit!

I hate that boy!
I always hated that shit!

I never listen to him!
I hate this car! I hate it!

Are you OK?

Well, my nuts are halfway up my ass,
but other than that, I'm perfect!

You better think of what
you're going to do about Chet.

He's one serious idiot.

You're stewed, butt wad!

Who, me?

Know what time it is?

Um... 2:00?

Time to pay the fiddler.

Um... I was kind of counting on you
to be human about this.

Here's the bottom line, Wyatt.

I'm telling Mom and Dad everything.

I'm even considering
making up some shit.

Alright, Chet, name your price.

$175 and zero cents, cash.

New bills, crisp and clean,
in my wallet by 7:00 a.m.

Thank you.

Hey, what are big brothers for?

See you upstairs.

- I don't need you.
- Shh!

The boozehounds return.

What a joke!

Hi, girls.

Feeling kind of queasy?

How about...
a nice greasy pork sandwich

served in a dirty ashtray?

He pukes, you die.

He's not laughing at you, Chet.
It's just...

Yes, I am.

Did you tell Chet about...? Did he tell you
about the woman we made tonight?

He's obviously had it.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.

- No shit?
- No shit, Chet. No shit.

You two donkey dicks
couldn't get laid in a morgue.

You're right.
You are absolutely right.

- You're absolutely right, Chet...
- Get him outta here.

- What?
- Come on.

Cold-blooded shit he is.
He's an asshole.

Look at his haircut. Anybody with a haircut
like that you know is an asshole...

Psst! Lisa.

Where are you?

I'm right behind you.

Surprise!

I'm not going to hurt you,
you silly thing.

I mean, your lips.
They feel like rigor mortis has set in.

Why don't you try and relax a little bit?
I'm only kissing you.

I wasn't expecting you to kiss me.
I was just...

That was better.

Want to try it again?

If you don't mind.
I mean, yes, please, ma'am.

- You sure you're only 15?
- I'll be 16 in June.

You made me.

You control me.

What's on your mind?
What are you thinking about, huh?

Um...

Women's gymnastics.

Well, I don't know.
I'll do my best.

Good.

Wyatt, Wyatt, Wyatt, where are you?

- I'm right here, Gary.
- Wyatt, what happened?

I don't know.

I think it was a dream.

What?

Everything. Last night. Lisa.

The whole thing,
it had to be a dream.

It can't be a dream, Wyatt.
We were both in it.

How can two people
have the same dream?

There's no other explanation.
It had to be a dream.

Wait, let's analyze this.
Alright, in your dream...

did I get up in the middle of the night
and yak in your sink?

Didn't throw up. No. Nothing.
You didn't see anything.

Maybe it was a dream, you know.

A very weird, bizarre, vivid...

...erotic, wet, detailed dream.

Maybe we have malaria.

Shit.

Gary! Wyatt! Breakfast!

Look, I don't have the kind of bucks
it would take to pay Chet off about this.

Yo, Wyatt! Coffee!

You can't live in fear of Chet
for the rest of your life.

Why not? Just please...

I don't know, Wyatt. I mean,
it's seriously affecting your sex life.

Ten seconds into my gymnastics routine,
you passed out.

You slept.

I did my toes.

By the way, you're very cute.

We'll try it again
some other time, OK?

- Good morning, turd brain.
- Hi, Chet.

- You spit in this?
- Not that I'm aware of, no.

Hey, that looks pretty good.

Now make yourself one, dick weed.

I like your panties.

It's a joke, Chet. You know, it's all...

That's not a joke!
That is a severe behavioral disorder.

Those are women's underpants!

The next thing you know,
you'll be wearing a bra on your head.

The old man's gonna have a stroke
on this one for sure.

Alright, Chet. How much?

How much?

Oh, this goes way beyond payment, pal.

Come on, Chet. Please?

Well...

Your VCR should cover it.

For openers.

Thank you.

For Christ's sakes,
will you cover yourself?

You guys looking for something
for your mom?

I really don't think so... Sue.

You guys have, uh... girlfriends?

You know, Sue,
one does really not refer

to a 23-year-old woman as a girlfriend.

- A mistress, Gar.
- Mistress.

- Lover.
- Sexpot.

She's a sexpot is what she is.

You guys are the ones that got beat up
at the homecoming game, right?

Hmm...

Uh... Susan, do you think you could
wrap up a bottle of this scent for me?

- I like this.
- Um... two.

And why don't you set yourself up
with one of them, too.

Set yourself up.
That's three scents, please.

- If you were a 15-year-old boy...
- Hmm...

- ...would these turn you on?
- Hmm...?

I think so, too. I'll take them.

Uh... do you have a bra
to match that?

Something in leather or rubber,
or barb wire?

Give me a break.

Check it out. Check it out.

What?

Five bucks?

Finsky.

Max, what are you gonna do?

- You know what, Gar?
- Hmm?

For the first time in my life,
I don't feel like a total dick.

Yeah, me either.

Sorry, boys.
Momentary loss of motor nerves.

Getting tired of this? We're not.
But I'll tell you, there is a cure.

Rumor has it,
there's a big white sale going on.

- At Towel World!
- Towel World!

- We're not impressed.
- No.

Can I have some of that, please?

You know I'm getting
really bored of their shit.

- Well, do you wanna dump them?
- I don't know.

We have been with them three months.
We've been to the parties, met the people.

We won't go to any more parties
and we won't meet any more people.

We'll go into a social coma.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

We're sorry.

- Wanna give them another chance?
- OK.

- Will you forgive us?
- Please.

Oh, you guys.

What are we gonna do with you?

♪ Whoo!

♪ Pretty woman,
walking down the street

♪ Pretty woman,
the kind I like to meet

♪ Pretty woman

♪ I don't believe you,
it must be true

- ♪ No one can look as good as you...
- Who was that girl?

- Excuse me!
- Get outta my way!

We got her, we got her,
we got her.

♪ Pretty woman,
won't you pardon me?

♪ Pretty woman,
I couldn't help but see

Hey!

♪ Oh, you look lovely as can be... ♪

Hey!

Hi.

- That's Ian.
- This is Max.

We call him Mad Max.

- We saw you on the escalator.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you were looking at us, right?

Yeah.

- So what are you doing?
- Nothing. I'm waiting for my ride.

Lis, come on, hon. We're running late.

Honey, move.

Speak to you later.

She likes the rough stuff.
What can I do, you know?

By the way, there's a party
tonight at Wyatt's house.

You can find his name in
the students' directory under Donnelly.

Pass the word around.

Party?

Don't ask.

Wyatt, you're gonna have a heart attack
by the time you're 40

if you don't learn to relax.

Have you tried inversion boots?

Lisa, you don't understand my parents.

What's there to understand?

They're oppressive, meddlesome,
difficult, demanding and totally bizarre.

I mean, they're normal parents.

Now stop worrying
and go and get dressed.

Lisa, I created you.

Why do you do insist
on doing things I don't want?

Honey buns, you want to party so badly,
you could bottle it.

I mean, you and Gary,
you want friends, you want popularity,

you want all that stuff, right?

Well, I've thought about it, sure, but...

So I'm giving it to you.

Thank you, really, thank you.

But I don't want it in my house.

If you want to be a party animal,
you have to learn to live in the jungle.

Now stop worrying
and go and get dressed.

I'm going to go and pick up Gary.

I can't wait to meet his parents.

Do you go to Gary's school?

Do I look like I'm in high school?

No.

Well, what it is, Dad, she's a foreign
exchange student, you know,

and they have, like, a different
educational system around the world.

You look very, er...

...mature.

Doesn't she? That's funny you say that
cos I was thinking the same thing.

And what happened was that, uh...

So what do you do for a living, Al?

I'm an independent businessman.

Al... Dad... My dad's a plumber.
And he's into plumbing.

And, well, I guess you plumb,
right, Dad?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I, uh...

- I think it's time to go. You ready?
- Where do you think you're going?

- To a party.
- To a movie.

Movie party is what it is, folks.

- We're going to a movie party.
- Such a little liar.

No, I've whipped up this nasty little
soirée over at his friend Wyatt's house.

- "Soir" what?
- Soirée, honey. I think that means party.

Party.

You know, there's going to be
sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll,

chips, dips, chains, whips...

You know, your basic
high school orgy type of thing.

I mean, I'm not talking
candle wax on the nipples

or witchcraft or anything like that.

No, no, no, no,
just a couple of hundred kids

running around in their underwear
acting like complete animals.

Alright, goddamn it! I've heard enough!

- Gary, you get to your room!
- Yes, sir!

No, it's OK. Just sit here.
I'll take care of this.

Girlie, you get the hell outta here
before I throw you out.

Don't threaten me, Al!

You're out of shape.
I'll kick your arse.

I'm going to make
this real easy for you.

I'm taking Gary to a party.

Over my dead body.

He's a good kid. He studies hard.
You've got no complaints.

If anybody should be bitching,
it should be Gary.

You ever compliment him
on his grades?

You ever compliment him
on anything?

Hey! Hey!
Look, Ma, compliments embarrass me.

- Dad, you know...
- Shut up!

Have you ever wondered how sad it is

that your son's only sexual outlet

is tossing off to magazines
in the bathroom?

Oh, Gary!

Ma, I never tossed off to anything!

- You told me you were combing your hair!
- But I was! I was! Mom!

- Gary, shut up!
- The water's running all day long...

- Shut up!
- I've never tossed off!

- I've never tossed off!
- And you wouldn't tell your own mother!

Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

This guy deserves a party.

Look, I don't know who you are,

what you are,
or where you came from,

but I'm not taking any more of this.

Dial the police, Lucy.
Dial the damn police and give me the phone.

The phone...
I'm going to get the...

- Give me the phone.
- I'm trying to... Well, here it is.

Jesus, God. Oh, Christ.

Oh, Lord God.

Oh... Uh-oh...

Go ahead...

Make your day?

I'm really sorry it has to come to this.

Come to what?

If you don't cheer up,
I'll blow your face off.

Oh, come on, don't be such an old lady.
Everything's cool.

Everything's cool!
Everything's cool.

Yeah, yeah.
My dad's going to castrate me.

And my mother almost had,
like, a cardiac arrest.

My parents'll never let me in the house,
and if they do, I'll be grounded till I'm 45.

Other than that, everything's great.
Everything's just really cool.

I mean, you know, it couldn't be better.

Listen, trust me for once, will you?

They don't know what happened.

Did you think Gary was acting
a little strangely this evening?

Gary?

Who's Gary?

Lisa, you have to promise me

that things aren't gonna
get out of control.

Wyatt, don't worry.
You're just having a few friends over.

I don't have any friends, Lisa.

He doesn't.

Boy ain't lying.

You do now.

Hi.

Hi!

Party!

Party! Party! Party! Party!

Party! Party! Party! Party!

♪ Standin' there by the window

♪ Starin' out at the night

♪ You've got so many troubles

♪ On your nervous mind

♪ But don't worry, baby

♪ It's gonna work out fine

♪ You hear the sound of footsteps

♪ Stealing across the floor

♪ You picked up the receiver...

Yo!

Who's here? How you doing?
How you doing?

- Where's the bar?
- Bar!

Do you think
they'll embarrass us tonight?

Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Caviar?

If Max and Ian see her,
it is all over for us.

- How's your stomach?
- It's a little better.

If you're gonna float an air biscuit,
let me know, OK?

Float a what?

If you're gonna fart,
if you're gonna squeeze cheese,

let me know, OK?
I'll hit the fan.

I'm sorry, Gary,
it's just I suffer pain and discomfort

due to occasional stomach upset.

You know, I can't believe this, Wyatt.
I'm so disappointed in us.

All we ever do is sit around
and talk about how great it would be

if we went to parties, right?

And now it's our party, and there are
hundreds of people here having a great time,

and we're in the john.
we're in the john!

- I can't believe it.
- Gary, you're just as uptight as I am.

Let me tell you something.
Nobody can be as uptight as you, OK?

Nobody.
Your middle name is tense, OK?

Wyatt "Tense Up" Donnelly.

- Alright, this is true. This is true.
- It's true.

But... it's not that bad.
I mean, we can hear the music.

We can dance, so that's great.

If we put our noses to the door,
maybe we can smell the food.

Hey, brother!

What's happening, my main man?

Right on!

- Scotch.
- Straight up?

Ah, give me the whole bottle.

Tell you what... you bend over
and I'll shove it straight up your ass.

On the rocks is fine.

Yeah, that's what I thought
you were gonna say, you jive turkey.

There she is.

You deal with the drinks.
I'll kill the girls.

- Hi.
- Hi!

OK, OK, OK...

- Did we see you at the mall today?
- Yes.

Oh, yeah!

It's alright... Um...

- What are you doing here?
- I'm living here now.

I'm Wyatt and Gary's girlfriend.

No!

Ah! OK...
We're Wyatt's friends.

Er... can we come to the party
or should we just bail?

Bail!

- No, no, come in, come on.
- Really?

Oh, thank you.

Gary and Wyatt are around here
someplace.

I wonder if Lisa's having a good time.

Lisa could have a good time
at an insurance seminar, Wyatt.

You know,
the thing that really galls me

is that she's ours
and we can't get close to her.

Hit the fan.

This is, like, the best party
I've ever been to.

I know. It's great!

Do you know whose house this is?

I don't know. I think it might be
that girl with the English accent.

Did you notice that girl doesn't have a zit
on her whole body? Did you notice that?

- I know. She has, like, zero fat.
- And she's so relaxed.

- She burped and it was, like, charming.
- Charming.

Yeah!

Shit.

- Ah, yeah.
- The bathroom.

- Ladies.
- Hi.

Hi.

I can't believe you! I cannot...

You're dropping wolf bait
and there are chicks outside!

Light a match or something!
Light a fire, I don't know.

Hi.

Hi.

We're sorry. We thought
there were just girls in there.

- I'm sorry.
- It's just us dudes, you know.

What are you doing here?

Gary was just taking a shit!

No, what I meant was...

No, no, what I meant was,
what are you doing at the party?

- Oh, it's my house.
- This is your party?

Yeah, well, you know,
we like to do this about once a week,

throw little gatherings here,
little get-togethers, that kind of thing.

- Haven't you guys been by?
- No.

No? How the heck did we miss
these two, Wyatt?

I don't know.
So many people, so many parties.

So many people, you know,
and so many parties, you lose track...

Um... would you mind if I came in
and checked my face?

What's wrong with your face?

Can we come in?

- Come on in.
- Sure, yeah. OK. Be our guests.

- Thanks, guys.
- Come on in.

Well, um...

We've seen you guys at school,
but we've never met.

- You're Hilly.
- You're Deb.

- How you doing?
- Deb.

- Hi. I'm Gary.
- I'm Wyatt.

Well, what have you guys been doing?

This is a wild crowd. I didn't know
you guys had so many friends.

- Yeah, neither did we.
- Neither did we.

Uh, who's the girl with the accent?
I thought that this was her party, but...

You mean the real sensuous, exotic,
sexy, mature, sex symbol type?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

She's with us.

She's with you guys?

Come on, Lisa. Why not?

Because I belong to Gary and Wyatt.

Belong? What? They make you
in the garage with power tools?

They own you? Control you?

- Seriously?
- Seriously.

They're toads.

Do I look like I'd go out
with two toads?

You do. It's true.

I think Gary and Wyatt are gonna force
everyone to redefine their terms.

And you're completely loyal to them?

I do whatever they say.

Hi.

Could you excuse us
for a minute, please?

Ah, that's no problem.
Yeah, we'll be in here.

Yeah.

OK, fine.

I could be wrong, but I think
these ladies are stoked for us, Wyatt.

- I got that feeling myself.
- What do we do?

- I don't know.
- Should we go for it?

- What about Lisa?
- She did say we should party.

Let's get it on with these two,
score points and go back to Lisa.

This is like a dream come true.

How about if we see if we can score
with these two in case we can't later?

- Sounds good.
- But we gotta give Lisa a shot.

I don't wanna hurt her feelings. The girls
want a long, lean bone job from me.

- Ready to party down?
- 10-4.

- Let's break.
- Break.

Those guys are weird,
but they're kind of cute.

- Hi.
- Hi!

And where did you two disappear to?

- Nowhere. We were in the kitchen.
- We were in the bathroom.

- Eating.
- Doing our hair.

Have you met Gary and Wyatt?

- Yeah.
- No.

Sort of.

If you get the chance... shower with them.

I did. It's a mind scrambler!

Oh! Hurts so good.

She took a shower with them.

- I have a wonderful idea, Henry.
- Hmm?

After dinner, why don't we stop by
and visit with Wyatt?

I hate to think of his being
alone at home tonight.

- Doesn't he have anything to read?
- Well, I don't know, dear.

But you know nothing's
more important to a teenage boy

than his grandparents.

- We'll drop by.
- Oh, good.

I'd like to open up by apologizing
for the Icee today at the mall.

It was very immature, and I'm sorry.

- And, uh...
- It was just, like, tomfoolery.

But we are sorry.

- It happened.
- Yeah.

So what's the deal with Lisa?
You know, can we borrow her?

Uh... we can't do that, guys,

because common decency
prohibits us, we can't.

It's not cool.

- Well, she said it was cool.
- Yeah.

We can't take advantage
of her loyalty. Sorry, guys.

Man, but that's really selfish.
That hurts, you know.

Ian, uh...

Just forget it, guys,
cos we can't do it, you know?

Ah, come on.
Quit being such pricks.

Hey, come on.

Regardless of what
she may have told you,

our feelings for Lisa run very deep.

It's, like, emotions.
Heavy, heavy emotions.

Our feelings for Deb and Hilly run
as deep as yours do for Lisa.

And it's respect.

It's like the time
we spent together, you know.

And a couple of guys like you
deserve them.

See, we like your style.
So we wanna make a deal with you.

You let us have a crack at Lisa,

and then we'll let you have
Deb and Hilly.

Can you guys keep a secret?

- Sure.
- Secret?

- Look again. It's Gary.
- No, no.

It's our boy, Gary.

He's our 16-year-old boy.

I don't know what the hell
you're talking about, Lucy.

And I want you to shut up.

I feel like an asshole.
This had better work.

This is just the blueprint.
OK, now look. You like it?

Bigger tits.

Go, go, go, go!

Give him the knee-shooters.
I don't care.

'We have code penetration again.
What the hell's going on in here?'

Excuse me, Arthur.

- It's Art.
- Excuse me, Art.

Oh, shit.

♪ Weird

♪ Weird science

- 'Where's Eddie?'
- 'Eddie's down in the lab.

'He and Grandpa are working
on a new project.'

'Another invention?'

'It's got something to do with a robot.'

Wyatt, what's going on?
Turn this thing off!

You're gonna love it!
How you doing?

I'm shitting in my pants!

It worked.

You had to be big shots, didn't you?
You had to show off.

When are you going to learn
people will like you for what you are,

not for what you can give them?

In your race for power and glory,

you forgot one small detail.

We forgot to hook up the doll.

You forgot to hook up the doll.

Something's going on here, Carmen.

I have a feeling we're not
going to approve, Henry.

A missile! A missile!

A missile in my house, Gary!

- Yeah, this puppy's for real, alright.
- It was an accident. Simple, you know...

Accident, my ass, Gary!

My parents are coming home.
Chet's coming home.

- They're gonna freak out!
- They're gonna shit eggrolls.

Get out! Get out! Scat!

Out of here,
you disgusting tramps!

You, you, you hosers!

Out! Out! Out!

My God, cut that out, would you?

You ought to know better
than to walk into somebody's house

and start hitting people
with your Rex Harrison hat!

This is my daughter's home.
Who the hell are you?

Well, I'm a very dear, close
personal friend of your grandson's.

Henry, call the police.

I will.
I'll have you incarcerated.

Here's the deal, folks.

Gary and Wyatt,
they created me on their computer.

I'm not going to stand here
and listen to this baloney.

He won't, you know.
He doesn't stand for baloney.

Would you mind waiting here?
I won't be a moment.

Have you ever?

Never.

Excuse me, guys.
Wyatt, your grandparents are downstairs.

OK. Thanks, Lis.

- Lisa!
- Yes?

Where are my grandparents?

- Wyatt, your kitchen is blue.
- You want to try one?

Where are my grandparents, Lisa?

They're all taken care of, OK?

You're going to love this one.

- Are they all right?
- They're fine.

In fact, they're better than fine.
They're not aging anymore.

See? They're smiling.

Uh... Lisa, if any more
of his relatives drop by,

we'll be upstairs in the bathroom, OK?

That's pretty sick, Lis.

Those guys really need
some self-confidence.

A challenge. Something that'll bring out
their inner strength and courage.

I'm so bloody clever.

Now!

This Bud's for you.

- This party's lame, Max.
- What about the girls?

Girls, shmirls!

Lisa! What's going on?

Aargh!

Gary! Gary, Gary...

Gary, listen to me.

There are motorcycles
in my house!

Wyatt, there are killer mutants
in your house, OK?

Screw the house.

Guys, you have uninvited guests.

I think you better come out
and ask them to leave.

They're getting pretty rowdy.

This is an excellent chance for you
to prove your bravery and courage.

Those are outdated concepts, alright?
Excuse us.

Don't let John Wayne hear you say that.

The man is dead, Lisa, OK?

Well, so are you,
if you don't deal with this situation.

No, thanks.

Gary, do you feel
like a chicken?

Wyatt, if I could shoot an egg
out my ass right now, I would.

What about all these people?
Will they think we're cowards?

I don't know.

Look, we can deal with shame, OK?
Death is a much deeper issue.

Uh... we're going to get you guys
some drinks.

You look like a Scotch man.
You want some...

- We're gonna get some stuff...
- Ah!

Is this your party?

Uh...

- Well, yeah kind of.
- I don't know if you can call it a party.

It's just a few friends.

How come...

...two unpopular dicks like you

is having a party?

I don't know. I mean, I guess I was
just asking myself that very question.

- And I'm like dicks, sometimes...
- Look, we're very sorry.

How would you like
all your friends here to know...

...that you wear a bra on your head?

Tossed off into any good books lately,
have we?

You two can't even take a shower

with a beautiful woman

without wearing your jeans!

You!

Come here!

Now!

- Prepare to die, Wyatt.
- Gary, I can't wait to die.

- We are gonna kick...
- Ass.

OK. This is war.

Hands off the girls. Let's leave
the girls out of this. Hands off.

I said hands off! Now!

Why don't you shut up, bitch?

And as for your ugly ass,
let me tell you something.

You don't come into my friend's house
with your faggot friends,

driving your motorbikes
all over his floors,

breaking windows, making a mess,
stinking up the place.

And believe me, you do stink.

And here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna let go of the girls,

and you're going to apologize
to all these people.

And you're gonna get on your bikes
and pedal your ugly asses out of here.

So now, we're gentlemen,
so we're gonna give you a choice.

Yeah, you can leave in peace...

Or you can stay and die.

Choice is yours.

Get out of here.

Beg your pardon.
You have a lovely home.

Terribly sorry.
Call me. We'll have lunch.

Can we keep this between us?

I'd hate to lose my teaching job.

God bless you.

I can't believe... You know...
Is everyone alright? I just want to know.

This is so exciting.
You know, we're heroes.

These guys came into your house
and we showed them down.

I can't believe this. Know what we did?
You and me saved all these people, Wyatt.

You don't understand that.
We're heroes.

This could mean a guest shot on
Phil Donahue. But this is exciting, man!

- Gary!
- What?

- Where the hell did you get that thing?
- Squirt gun, man. That's it.

That's my boys.

What a weird night, huh?

You really weren't afraid of those guys?

I was scared.
But what could I do?

It's probably a good idea for me not
to ask too many questions about tonight.

Probably.

This is a sort of a night of weird shit.

I was wondering if I can ask you
something kind of strange?

Would you kiss me?

What about Ian?

We all make mistakes.

- OK.
- OK...

Where do you want it?

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

How do you feel about Lisa?

I love her.

That's what I figured.

But, um...

...I mean, it's definitely
a different kind of love, you know.

It's... it's more sisterly, you know,

like big sisterly, kind of.

But she's so beautiful.

Yeah, she's really beautiful.

And her body is...

It's gorgeous.

It's a nice figure.

So...

I mean, what would I be
compared to her?

Deb, Lisa is everything
I ever wanted in a girl...

...before I knew what I wanted.

I know that if I could do it again...
I'd make her just like you.

Honest.

Dead honest.
I'm like... I... You know, I...

I gotta tell you cos I'm really honest
when I say that.

I'm so very honest. I mean that.

What the hell?

That little bastard. That little...

Please don't let him
have messed up my room.

If my room's OK,
I won't kill him, I promise.

I'll just hurt him real bad.

Freeze.

Chet!

Where's my brother?

Ow!

Uhh... I don't know.

You're dead meat, pilgrim.

Um...

Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet, Chet,
that's her nose. Come on.

Now, look, she has nothing to do with it.

OK. You die.

She walks out of here with a severe limp.

Aargh.

I'll be back.

That's Wyatt's older brother, Chet.
He's kind of an asshole.

Oh, hi, Chet.

What the hell is going on
around here?

Chet, I'm sorry, it was an accident.

An accident? An accident?

Do you realize it's snowing
in my room, goddamn it?

Some real weird shit happened, Chet.
Some real weird...

You don't have to be a genius
to figure that out, monkey dick.

- Start talking, little man.
- Look, Chet, it's a real long story.

Gary and I were messing around
with the computer Friday night,

and we decided to make a woman, and
she went crazy and messed up the house.

Don't smart-mouth me,
you wormy little shit!

Why don't you just leave him alone?

Stay out of this, bimbo.
This is a family matter.

Chet, just let me find Lisa.
She can explain everything.

She'll clear everything up, Chet.
I swear. Chet.

You can have my college money
and my social security, Chet.

Chet...

So, you guys think you can
pull one over on me, huh?

Huh?

You got everybody synched
to the same bullshit story.

This isn't bullshit.
This is a Pershing missile, Chip.

It's Chet.

My name is Chet.

And I didn't think
it was a whale's dick, honey.

Hi, Nanny. Hi, Grampy.

I'm not a moron, you know. I...

Was that my grandparents?

- Are they dead?
- Oh, no, they're just resting.

What are they doing in here?

I put them in there.

I didn't want the boys
to get into trouble.

And quite frankly, they weren't
having a very good time at the party.

Not having a good time?

Do you think they're having a good time
being catatonic in a closet?

Do you have any idea
how disrespectful that is?

Boy, I wouldn't give a squirt of piss
for your ass right now.

OK, that's quite enough.
You guys get the girls home.

Wyatt, take the Porsche.
Gary, you take the Ferrari.

The Ferrari?

I want to be alone with Chet here.

- Good to see you again, Chet.
- Get out of here!

Come on,
take your little hussies home!

Their parents are probably
worried sick.

Lady, I want to get
to the bottom of this, A.S.A.F.P.

Oh, so do I.

But first, I'd like to...
butter your muffin.

Why do you have
to be such a wanker?

Because I get off on it.

Now I want you to promise
that you'll keep your big mouth shut

about everything that has happened
here this weekend.

And I want you to treat Wyatt and Gary
with dignity and respect.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, really.

I can be a real serious bitch
if I don't get what I want.

Ooh, hit me with your best shot.

How fast are you going?

About 35.

- Wait. This can't be right.
- Are you looking at the RPMs?

No, I think I'm looking
at about fifty tickets.

Bye!

Goddamn train!

Oh, my. Phew!

That was great!

You son of a bitch!

Al! Al! Al, that was Gary!

Who is this Gary character?

I had a really great time last night.

I'll probably be grounded
for a month or so, but...

I'll wait for you.

Hilly!

I love you!

Alright!

I want to thank you for a great night.

Same here.

Deb, I have kind of a confession
to make.

I'm really not this cool.

That's not my car.

This is not my suit.

I mean, none of those people
were my friends.

Why are you telling me all of this?

Because I want you to like me
for what I am.

Whatever you are, I like it.

Well, um,
I'd better get going, cos, um...

...Wyatt and I still have to deal with Chet.

Quit screwing around!

This ain't funny, you stupid bitch!

Oh, now careful, Chet.
Don't make me angry.

Sorry.

That's better.

Would you please turn me
back to normal, please?

I haven't done anything to you.

No, but you've done plenty
to your brother.

- Like what?
- Well, let me see...

You've nagged him, harassed him,
suppressed him,

kept him in fear of you,
extorted money from him.

It's done out of love.

Just for that, I ought to give you
a set of elephant balls.

Give me your word that
you'll leave Wyatt and Gary alone,

and I'll change you back.

Oh, all right.

Shake on it, huh?

No, thanks. I'd rather not.

Wait! Where are you going?

Well, I have to go and get changed.

- What about me?
- What about you? You'll be fine.

It just takes a little while
for the effect to wear off, OK?

Well?

I'm in love.

- It's great, isn't it?
- The best.

You know, I'll tell you, Wyatt,

I think things are turning
around for us.

I mean it.

OK, what about Lisa?

Well, I think we're gonna have
to have a talk with her.

Think she'll understand?

I think so. I mean, uh...

I sure as hell wouldn't want
to date you.

You're not my type, you know.

Chet?

Chet?

Hi, dudes!

I'm sorry, Wyatt.

I'm sorry for being such a shit to you
all these years.

And, gee, well,
I want you to know that...

...I love you.

That's nasty, Wyatt.

That's Chet, Gary.

Hey, hey, huh...

Hmm!

Oh, my God!

Lisa?

In here!

- Lisa?
- Yeah?

- You saw Chet?
- Yes, I did.

You responsible?

Yes, I am.

Lisa, we can't have him like that.

It'd ruin Christmas.

Listen, he's gonna be fine
in half an hour.

He's not going to spoil Christmas.

And he's not going to bug you
anymore, either.

Um...

Lisa, we have to have a talk with you.

What's on your mind?

I really don't know
how to say this to you.

You guys found girlfriends, right?

Fell in love with the two girls,
and they fell in love with you.

That's all I ever wanted for you.

You're not hurt?

Yeah, sure I'm hurt.

But I wouldn't change it.

I'm really just getting off
seeing you two guys straightened out.

I have to go.

Oh...

I've had a wonderful time.

Lisa...

Bye.

Boys?

We're home!

- Hi, Mr. Donnelly. How are you?
- Hi, honey.

- Dad, hi.
- No, no, no, no. Like a man.

So, what
did you guys do this weekend?

- Not much.
- Just hung around the house, you know.

Daddy had this crazy notion

you guys might throw a party
or do something nutty.

- Ha-ha!
- Shit.

- Not us.
- Not here.

No way.

Shh, shh!

OK... drop and give me twenty.

♪ She's alive!

- ♪ Alive!
- ♪ Weird science

♪ Weird science

♪ Plastic tubes and pots and pans

♪ Bits and pieces
and magic from my hand

- ♪ We're making weird science
- ♪ Ooh!

♪ Plastic tubes and pots and pans

♪ Bits and pieces
and bits and pieces and bits...

♪ My creation

♪ Is it real?

♪ It's my creation,
Ooh, my creation

♪ It's my creation...

♪ Weird!

♪ Ooh!

- ♪ Weird science
- ♪ Ooh!

♪ Magic and technology

♪ Voodoo dolls and chants,
electricity

♪ We're making weird science

♪ Fantasy and microchips

♪ Bits and pieces
and bits and pieces and bits...

♪ My creation

♪ Is it real?

♪ It's my creation, I do not know

♪ No hesitation

♪ No heart of gold

♪ Just flesh and blood

♪ I do not know, I do not know!

♪ From my heart and from my hand

♪ Why don't people understand
my intentions?

♪ Ooh! Weird science

♪ Ooh! Ooh!

♪ Weird science

♪ Magic and technology

♪ Voodoo dolls and chants

♪ Weird science

♪ Things we've never seen before

♪ Behind bolted doors

♪ Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Weird science

♪ Ooh!

♪ Weird!

♪ Weird science

♪ Weird science

♪ Ooh!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

♪ Bits and pieces,
Bits and pieces

♪ Weird science

♪ My creation

♪ Is it real?

♪ It's my creation,
I do not know

♪ Ooh, my creation

♪ Is it real?

♪ Just flesh and blood,
Just flesh and blood

♪ Just flesh and blood

- ♪ Weird science
- ♪ Weird science

- ♪ Weird science
- ♪ Weird science

- ♪ Weird science
- ♪ Weird science

♪ Weird, weird, weird, weird science... ♪