Weekend at Bernie's (1989) - full transcript

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh God.

Hiya, Richard
Hot enough for you?

Yeah.

Hey hey...

Hey, what are you doing?

You dummy, why don't you watch
where you're going?

Does this look like 10:00,
or does this look like 10:30?

-Morning, Richard!
-Good morning.

-You're a half hour late.
-Only a half hour?

I'm usually 45 minutes late.
I'm early today.



I see.

-You gonna join me today or what?
-Coming.

Give me your money and your wallets.

Aw, get your ass out of here.
It's too hot.

Color me old-fashioned Rich
but I just love the park on a Sunday.

I'd love it more if we didn't have
to work today. Come on, let's go.

Let me open that for you, all right?

[YELLING]

[KIDS HOLLERING]

Hot enough for you, Larry?

No, Harris, why don't you
turn up the heat?

OK. I'll tell the engineer.

Cheap bastards. Turn off
the air conditioning on the weekends.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]



-Let's go to the beach.
-No.

-We're gonna be here our whole lives.
-Yeah, I'm afraid so.

-I'm going to the beach!
-Give me those papers.

-The papers are going to the beach.
-We are not going to the beach.

You want these
You're coming to the beach.

-I guess we're going to the beach.
-Wilson at the five.

Oh, that was beautiful! Replay!

Give me those papers!

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

-Think it's safe to go in the water?
-No, better not.

-You just ate. You might get cramps.
-I'll risk it.

[RADIO ANNOUNCER] Before we
get back to you with more tunes

on that Labor Day Marathon

let's get the latest
from Weather Central.

-What is happening out there, buddy?
-[MAN 2] Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle,

as the Big Apple
becomes the Baked Apple. Ow!

You better believe that these are...

Oh Christ.
Will you shut that thing off?

...continues before Labor Day weekend.

It is gonna be the four "Hs,"
hot, humid, hazy, and horrible.

[SWITCHES OFF RADIO]

This sucks. I am so unhappy.

-We should be at a real beach.
-There are no more real beaches.

I mean we could go to Jones Beach
and float around in the hospital waste.

Then again Coney island's
always real nice.

We could go there and watch the fish
disintegrate in front of our eyes.

-Shit.
-Wait a minute.

Wait a goddamn...
Hold the phone, buddy! I got it!

I got the $2 million.
Where are your pages?

Get your pages.

Oh, my God! You are not
gonna believe what you see!

-OK.
-Turn to page 28.

Twenty-eight. Twenty-eight.

Twenty-eight. Twenty-eight.
Right after 27.

-Got it.
-All right? You got it?

I want you to turn to page 41 now.

-Forty-one! Forty-one!
-Forty-one!

-I got it.
-Check out line 18.

Line 18.

-OK
-Yeah.

-You see it?
-I see it.

-You see it
-What about it?

You're such a stupid piece of rat shit.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

-Watch your step!
-I'm being barbecued here!

[EXCLAIMING] All right. OK.
All right, buddy.

-I'm gonna explain it to you real slow.
-Good.

OK. there's more than one check issued
on the same life insurance policy claim.

One in December of '87 another
in April of '88, and two more in June.

-Making any sense
-Yeah, he died four times.

Yes. According to this
he died four times.

So somebody screwed up.
It wasn't us. Was it?

No. It wasn't us.

Don't you see
We just uncovered a $2 million error.

We're gonna be heroes.
We're going up the corporate ladder.

-This is good for me.
-Yes, this is good for you.

I think it's good for me, too.
It's good all over.

I'll tell Lomax first thing
in the morning.

-What page is it
-No, Larry. Let me tell him.

-We'll both tell him.
-OK. Great!

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

There's what's-her-name.

[CHUCKLES]

Stop staring at her.

You haven't shut up about her
for two months.

-Ask her out already, will you?
-No. I don't know what to say.

She's a summer intern.
She'll be gone in a week.

No, I've no idea what to say.

-Say "Hi I want to go out with you."
-I can't say that.

-Why not
-Have you got the time?

Because there are too
many people around.

It's New York City.
There are always too many people.

Excuse me, miss?

[PEOPLE GRUNTING]

Oh shit.

-Good weekend, Bob?
-[SNORTS]

-You gonna say something?
-Shut up.

-You're blowing it.
-Shut... [CLEARS THROAT]

Please, shut up, all right?

Thank you.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

OK. Try witty.

Say, "You know what would look
good on you?"

-"Me." Huh?
-Oh, please.

Richard, that is a very good line.

Enough, look, if I wanted
to talk to her, I'll talk to her.

-OK, talk to her.
-No, I don't... I can't...

-Would you talk to her?
-Would you stop?

-You want me to talk to her?
-Yes.

OK. Shut up.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Excuse me.

Uh...

My aunt is very sick.

What

Nothing.

Um...

Can't believe this. Jesus.

Now, don't flagellate yourself
over this, Richard.

It was a very good effort.
You'll get her next time.

Why did I just say that
Larry, I don't even have an aunt.

So what?

Anything going on?

There are these messages.

And you're late for
the creative sates meeting, Mr. Lomax.

-Excuse us, Mr. Lomax.
-Let me get that, sir.

-Sammy. Hank. How are you?
-Right. Richard Parker, sir.

-Larry Wilson.
-Whatever. [CHUCKLES]

There's nothing from a Doreena
a Martha, Judy?

-No.
-Well, that's their tough luck.

[LAUGHS]

-Excuse us, Mr. Lomax.
-What?

There's something
we would like to show you.

Wait. Shh... It's Monday morning.
After lunch right?

Quite a bit after lunch.

[WOMAN CHUCKLES]

-Uh...
-Shoo! Shoo!

Shoo!

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, I got it, François.

Two dollars.

[LARRY] Rich.

-Look at Lomax.
-God.

-[LARRY] Oh, my God. Look at her.
-[RICHARD] My God.

Jesus. That guy.

Beautiful apartment. House at the beach.

Babes. A boat. A car.

Do you know how much it costs
to park a car in Manhattan every month?

-More than my rent.
-Well, I mean, it's only fair.

His car is a bit bigger
than your apartment.

So my apartment is small. It's dark.

It's hot. It's in a high crime area.
Beats living with Mom and Dad.

All right. Enough. It's just until
I can afford something decent.

Something without
wall-to-wall cockroaches.

All I gotta do is just keep
setting my goals and working hard,

-I'll be fine.
-You're so naive.

-I'm sorry.
-Oh, excuse me!

[STAMMERING] Go ahead.

[QUIETLY] Oh, God.

I hope your aunt feels better.

-What
-I said...

She said
"I hope your aunt feels better."

My aunt? The sick aunt.
Yes, um, she's fine.

-They thought it was...
-Either get on the elevator or get off.

I'll be back.

And... I lose again.

I won. Lar, I have a date.

-You're kidding.
-No.

Gwen and I, Thursday night
8:00pm, dinner.

-Fabulous.
-It was the clumsy approach. It worked.

You're gonna want
to borrow my apartment.

Uh, no, but thank you. That's sweet.

But I can't do that to you. Thank you.

If she finds out you live with your
folks, you're gonna embarrass yourself.

Yeah, I know,
but I can't do that to you, Lar.

It's the cockroaches, isn't it?

-Well...
-They scatter when the lights go on.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

[WOMAN ON INTERCOM]
Mr. Parker, Mr. Lomax will see you now.

I feel lucky.

No. No, I only want the Maserati
if it comes in that jet black.

If you can't do it for me, I'll have
to take my business to another dealer.

Yeah.

So paint it! I mean how hard
can this whole thing be?

Right. [SIGHS]

All right. See, that's better.

See how easy it is
to do business with me? Mm-hm.

Yeah. No, no.
No trade. Strictly cash.

Right.

All right. Good.

[SNIFFS]

Gentlemen, what have you got for me?

-Richard?
-Well...

As you may or may not know, Mr. Lomax...

Larry and I have been reprogramming...

-Where is he going?
-I don't know.

What are we supposed to do here?

Bet that thing moves, huh Jesus.

-Put that back.
-It's a beautiful boat.

[DOOR OPENS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

You, um...

-...gentlemen were saying?
-Yes, well.

As you might have heard, Mr. Lomax...

Larry and I have been reprogramming
the accounts on the new computer system.

-Yeah, right.
-Thanks.

-And, uh...
-Sir, it's a very big job.

-A big job. We have been working hard.
-It's a very big job.

I've been at it for quite some time.
Weekends also.

-Weekends, late, and...
-Why don't you show him?

Thank you. We've come up
with something you should know about.

-You have them both there?
-Yes. Page 28 and 41.

-Forty-one.
-Forty-one.

You sure these figures are accurate?

-Yes.
-Positive.

Yes, sir Mr. Lomax.

Bernie.

Call me Bernie.

I mean, my father is Mr. Lomax, right?

[LAUGHS]

[AIL LAUGHING]

OK... Bernie.

Yes, yes, it's all there
in black and white.

We both worked on this one, Bern.

-"Ee."
-Hmm?

-"Bern-ee."
-Bernie.

-Mm-hm. Papers.
-Right here, Bernie.

If anything has to go,
I'm glad it's my vision...

and not the old joystick
you know what I mean?

That's computer ink, sir.

[DRY CHUCKLE]

Oh, no, you're wrong. Look.

You see, there are multiple
checks issued because

there were several
policies written. Huh?

You didn't take into consideration
that it's normal,

especially when using
a fluctuating COL index to combine...

Look here. A package
containing both short-term

and straight life policies
in an overall insurance portfolio.

No, you're wasting my time.

Richard worked on that part, sir.

That's true Mr. Lo... Bernie.

But if you were to look
at the back page,

where the policy indexes are,

you'll notice that
the remaining policies

are dated after
the policy holder died, Bernie.

You're right.

You're absolutely correct
gentlemen, this is good work.

-Very, very good work.
-[BOTH] thank you, Bernie.

I hate to say this, but Bernie,
it appears as if somebody's trying

to defraud the company.
Perhaps we should check back records.

Somebody tried to smoke it
past the wrong guy.

No smoking.

Gentlemen, how long have you two
been working here?

-Nineteen months and a week.
-I'm not really sure.

-A little longer, I think.
-Longer? I was here before you.

No, Richard. I trained you.

I came here in January,
you came the end of May.

-I trained you.
-Whatever!

What I'm saying is that
I think there is a big future here

for a couple of bright fellows
like yourselves.

-[BOTH LAUGH]
-thank you.

But I would like to go over these
numbers with you,

just to make sure
that you've gotten everything.

The only trouble is
if someone is trying to...

...like you said,
"smoke it past the wrong guy,"

I'd like to just keep it confidential.

I mean there's no sense sending up
a bunch of red flags.

[LARRY] Absolutely not, Bern.

If you would like, we'll work late.

-Yes, I mean we'll work weekends.
-Weekends are very good for me.

Weekends? Good idea.

Give us plenty of time together
no distractions.

It is Labor Day.

I got an idea.

How would you two like to come
to my house at the beach?

-Me
-Us?

Yeah. Hampton Island.

Ever been there?
Well, you'll love it.

When we're not working,
there are plenty of distractions.

There are women, swimming
boating, famous people.

Well

-Love to!
-OK.

Good! It's settled.

Oh, we're gonna have a good time
I guarantee.

I'll have my secretary
write down the directions,

-give you the ferry schedule.
-The ferry schedule?

It's the only way to get there,
unless you have a boat. I don't know.

[AIL LAUGHING]

I have never even been on a boat.

I was once on the Staten Island Ferry
with my folks...

Whatever. You come out Friday night,

you're gonna have a great time
I guarantee it.

I'll even drive you back to the city
myself on Monday. OK?

We don't know what to say, Bernie.

Hey. You don't have to say anything.

If you two uncovered
what I think you uncovered...

...old Bernie here owes you
both a great deal, I mean it sincerely.

Now, get out of here. Go on.

[CHUCKLES]

He loves us.

The man absolutely loves us!

You have to kill them, Vito.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Bernie, let me explain something to you.

We don't do that anymore.
We're a corporation now.

We're in the market. We invest.

Real estate. Car rentals.

-[MAN] Parking lots.
-Parking lots.

-[SIPS LOUDLY]
-Parking lots. That's good.

-I mean, I understand that, but...
-Didn't I order the walnut dressing?

-Yes, you did.
-Taste that.

Does that taste anything
like walnut dressing? Tell me.

[MAN] this is the raspberry vinaigrette.

[SPLUTTERS] Should I have Paulie go
and talk to the chef?

[GRUNTING]

This goddamn raspberry vinaigrette...

Vito...

[GROANING SPITTING] God!

[BERNIE] Excuse me, Vito.

[VOICE BREAKING] Vito!

I... I know how important
food is to you, I mean...

But we've got a problem here.

Bernie, I give problems.
I don't get problems. Hmm?

How do you propose to handle it?

Let's make it a murder-suicide job.
All right

OK, gentlemen?

I'll plant some money, fake a note
and they can take the rap and...

I mean, I won't even
have to change the books.

What do you think?

I like it. It's creative.

I'm a little rusty.
But it'll come back to me.

-[CACKLES]
-[CHUCKLING]

OK.

-Do it.
-This is good.

I mean this is really good. Good.

Um...

I think we're gonna have some fun.

I mean, real fun...
[LAUGHING]

I... I have to get going.

-I really do.
-What, no dessert?

They do a wonderful crème brûlée here.
It's delicious.

No, gentlemen, I really must be going.
Thanks for dinner, Vito.

I got to go powder my nose.

Forget the accident with the two guys.

Take care of Lomax.

He's getting too careless.

Too greedy.

Besides...

...he's screwing my girlfriend.

[EXCLAIMS]

But you said we were gonna
spend the weekend at the beach!

You heard the conversation.
What am I supposed to do about it?

-Bernie, Bernie...
-What?

I told Vito I was gonna spend
some time with my mother!

-Bernie, Bernie...
-Tina...

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie...

-I have to see you, Bernie.
-I know...

Whoa! Cut it out.

-What's wrong with you Wait a minute.
-What?

-I've got an idea.
-What?

You... 9:00 Friday night.
I'll be at the apartment.

Just use your key. All right?

[TINA] I'll wear something special.

[RICHARD] I bet you never had sweet
and sour matzo balls before.

[LAUGHING] No.

-I'm glad you finally asked me out.
-You are?

-[SIRENS WAILING]
-I wish you had asked me out sooner.

Today was my last day at work.
I'm going back to college.

[TRUCK RUMBLING]

We could still have
this weekend together, right?

I'm spending it with my folks.

-Are your folks in town?
-No.

No.

[TRUCK CLATTERING, BANGING]

Well, is this the intimate evening
I promised you, or what?

[LAUGHS]

You think there's anywhere we could go
where we could just sit and talk

and not have to scream
and get run over by garbage trucks?

-[MAN] Hey, want to throw her in?
-How you doing?

I'd invite you to my apartment,

-but I have five roommates.
-Five?

And they are all at home
doing their hair right now.

That's a lot of hair.
But it's clean. I like that.

It's either that
or living with my parents,

-and I don't think that's a good idea.
-No, I can't blame you.

Who'd want to live with their folks?
That's no good.

-Do you have any roommates?
-No. Roommates? No. None.

Why don't we go to your place?

Come on, baby. You're not a woman.
Are you? Tell me the truth.

[RICHARD WHISPERING] OK.

[EXHALES]

Wow.

Why are you tiptoeing?

[WHISPERING] Because, um...

Because...
the people who live downstairs,

they're very light sleepers.

They get angry when I walk.

[WHISPERS] Why are you whispering?

-Am I
-Yes.

I am. Um that's because of the walls.
They're too thin.

-Uh, make yourself at home.
-Thank you.

Look at this teak.
I mean, this whole apartment.

Sort of, uh, '60s style.

Yeah. I know. I've been meaning
to redo that for years.

No, I love it. I mean, it's very hip.

I think you've
done the place beautifully.

Well, I like it. It's home.

You know, it's a side of you
I never would've expected.

I'm very impressed.

-Are you?
-Yeah.

About what?

Well, this apartment
has got to be expensive.

So obviously you could have taken me

to some flash restaurant
instead of that... Mmm...

Is "dump" the word you're groping for?

-[LAUGHING]
-You didn't like Hymie's Hunan?

-It's a four-star dive.
-It was great. I loved it.

It's just that some men
would try to impress women by...

...by pretending to be
something they're not.

I absolutely agree. That's a terrible
way to begin a relationship.

Pretending to be something you're not.

Oh God.

You don't have to answer this
if you don't want to, but...

...how do you afford a place like this?

Oh... Well, I... I don't like to brag.

I just feel uncomfortable
showing off my money.

But I've made some wise investments.
I dabble in the stock market.

And of course my parents are...
were rather well off.

Do you want to sit?

-They passed away?
-Mmm.

-Yes.
-They must have been young.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I feel I can trust you.

They were in a train accident.

Yeah, I mean I don't know
what it was with trains,

but they just always
liked to travel in trains.

I'm sorry.

-How awful for you.
-Yeah.

You know, I always thought trains
were so much safer than planes.

Well, actually, a plane...

...fell on the train.

-[DOOR SLIDES OPEN]
-[MAN YAWNING]

-Richard.
-Gwen.

-Richard.
-Gwen.

Richard there's a man in his underwear
in your kitchen.

Shh... No, no, no.
He's... He's with me.

He's the... He's my...

My butter. But...

-You have a butler
-Yeah. Don't get him started.

He'll go away if you just be quiet.

Just pretend we're not here.

[GROANING]

Shh...

[RICHARD] Shh...

Oh. Oh.

Sorry. I didn't realize you had company.

-Good evening, young lady.
-That's all right, Monroe.

Yes will you please just go lay out
my navy blue suit for the morning?

-Please
-How about if I lay you out?

Very well.

"Monroe..."

You let your butler
talk to you like that?

Well, he is a vet.
He's got a steel plate in his head.

-It's...
-[DOOR SHUTS]

Gwen, it's not what you think.

Goodbye, Richard.

[GROANS]

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

I'll grab the bow line.

-Hey, Skeet. How're you doing?
-Hey, Mr. Lomax.

Here you go, my friend.
Buy yourself a girlfriend.

[LAUGHS]

-Where have you been, Candy?
-Oh, Bernie...

-Hey, Bernie. How about a drink?
-A little bit later.

-Yo, Bernie. The cocktail flag is up.
-A little bit later.

[MAN] Booze and women.
That's my lifestyle and I love it!

And I!

[HORN HONKING]

-George, how are you
-Nice to see you, Mr. Lomax.

What the hell are you doing here?
I fired you last week.

-I just want my 90 bucks, OK?
-Bullshit!

You drank my liquor
and the toilets still don't work.

-I don't want to see you.
-Ow! Come on, Lomax!

Get out of here!

You come here one more time
I'm gonna break your legs!

You son of a bitch.

[PHONE RINGING]

I'm sorry Mr. Lomax.

-I think she needs a little B-12.
-Whatever.

[BERNIE ON MACHINE]
This is your old friend, Bernie.

Leave a message,
I'll get right back to you.

-Goodbye, Mr. Lomax.
-Goodbye, Frank.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hey, Lomax. It's Paulie.
I just got to the island.

You're early.

Those two little schmucks aren't coming
until the 6:00 ferry,

-and I still have to plant the note.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah...

-So where's your house
-It's on the point, top of the dune.

Look, Paulie,
don't kill them while I'm around.

Bernie, we're on a phone here.

You're right. You're right.
OK, I'm sorry.

The point is, I just want to be
back in New York with an alibi, OK?

Yeah. Don't worry about it.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

Oh God!

[LARRY] Rich. It is leaving. Come on!

I told you we should've taken
a taxi from the station.

-There's another boat in a half hour.
-We'll miss the big parties.

Come on, Rich, we got it.

-Larry...
-Excuse me.

-Sorry.
-Coming through.

You're being ridiculous!
What are you doing?

We are not jumping on this boat!

Do you hear me? Listen to me, Larry
we're not jumping on this boat!

[GRUNTING]

-Jesus Christ! My elbow!
-Piece of cake!

Thanks pal. Huh?

Larry, this ferry isn't leaving.
It's docking.

-Oh, great, we're early.
-You schmuck.

[CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYING]

-What is your name?
-What is your name?

-Larry.
-Hi, Larry. I'm Michelle.

Come on! Lighten up there, Rich!
We're on our way!

I'm so depressed.
I made a fool out of myself last night.

-Of course you did, Rich.
-I think I should've stayed home.

What are you talking about We've been
summoned to the mountaintop here.

This is good for your career.

You know, by the time
this weekend is over,

I promise you won't even remember
what's-her-name's name.

-I'll get you a drink. Come on.
-Look, I'll see you later.

[WOMAN] Goodbye, young man.
Nice talking to you.

[CHUCKLING]

That is good. This is very good.

[EXCLAIMS]

-Oh... I didn't hear you come in.
-I know.

I'm real good at that.

I told you the guys
aren't here yet, didn't I?

I did. Good.

-Quite a shack you got here.
-Well, it's... it's home.

Ooh. Can I have a cigarette?

-Hmm
-Cigarette.

Sure.

Sure, sure, sure...

Ow! Ooh, what was...

Oh...

[GROANING]

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Quite a ride, huh, Bern?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[LARRY] Glorious day out, or what?

-Where's Bernie?
-I got it right here.

It says it's the last house
on the point, top o' the dune.

Pardon me monsignor sir could you
tell me where the top of the dune is?

-Bless you, my son.
-Thank you, father.

Look, we'll find it. OK.

-You know, it's an island, right?
-How hard can it be?

Excuse me. Is this the way to...

[HORN BLASTING]

Goodbye. Have a good one, now.

-Yo, is this Bernie Lomax's house?
-Sure is.

-Wow.
-Holy shit. Huh? Look at this.

[LAUGHS] Come on, Rich.

-Oh, beautiful.
-Oh, my God. He's got a pool.

He has got a goddamn pool at the beach.
It's heated.

I love this man.

Oh, this is inspiring.
Look at this view, huh?

-I am getting laid.
-Sure beats Coney Island.

What? Should we just walk in?

No we'll stand out here all weekend.
Come on, we're houseguests.

Hello! Bernie, we're here.

Amazing.

I'm home.

Excellent.

-Admit it. You're glad you came.
-OK, I admit it.

-We got three days of this ahead of us.
-Oh, yeah. This is something.

I mean a place like this
must go for what,

a mil six, a million seven?
Unfurnished.

-Good God! That's a Lichtenstein!
-What? Where?

Not the piano.
The painting. It's an original.

[LARRY] Of course it is.

Now all of this could be yours
if you set your goals and work hard.

My old man worked hard.
All they did was give him more work.

[SIGHS]

Bernie! Hey is Bernie around?

Hello. No, haven't seen him.
But we just got here.

We're gonna be here all weekend.
We are houseguests.

Tell him tawny borrowed his boat
to go skiing.

-Hi, Tawny. I'm horny.
-Oh, hi.

-Look don't forget to tell Bernie OK?
-OK.

Tawny, you wouldn't happen to know
where Bernie is would you?

He's probably making the rounds.
Everybody parties from house to house,

but they always end up here. Bye!

-And you didn't want to come.
-I was wrong. I admit it, I was wrong.

Oh, my God.

Nothing but champagne and caviar.
Pierre Jouët.

This guy is my idol.

-Hey don't open that.
-Why not?

We're houseguests, come on.
You want some?

No, thanks. This is strange.
Where's our host?

You heard Tawny.
He's out partying. Come on.

Let's check out
the rest of this joint, huh?

This is fabulous.

-Lar, I found him. Mr. Lomax.
-Hmm?

Bernie! How are you doing Great place.

I hope you don't mind but we just
walked in. We didn't know that you...

Bernie

Shh, shh he's sleeping.

-Yeah
-Wow.

Not even dark out
and he's out of his skull.

He's been working awfully hard
you know.

Bern

-Mr. Lomax...
-Bernie.

Don't slap him. That's your boss.

I know. He's meditating.

No, he's not. He's, like, dead, man.
Come on, let's walk him around.

-We'll get the blood circulating.
-Here we go, up.

There we go. OK, this way.
This way, Richard.

Here we go.

That's it. Move those feet, Bernie.
That's a boy.

-Here you go.
-Get him up.

Carry your weight, here, Richard.

Come on, Bernie.

-Move those feet.
-He's giving me a hernia.

I'm losing him. Put him on the couch.

We can't just leave him like this
you know.

Come on, Bernie. Come on.

[BOTH PANTING]

Get your hand off me, Bernie.

I'll make the coffee.

Don't you worry, Mr. Lomax, we'll make
you some coffee, fix you right up.

Tell you what, let's just make you
a little more comfy.

That is better. There you go.

You're dropping things
right out of your pocket here.

-Larry!
-Yes?

You want to come in here
for a minute, huh

-Yeah, look, Rich, is instant OK?
-That's fine.

-Good. What
-Look what I found in his pocket.

Wow. Jesus.

I never knew he was into the drug scene.

God. Look how much is here!

This is not recreational.
This is a career.

This man needs some help.
You know that?

If he's not careful
he's gonna wake up one morning dead.

I watch 20/20. I know the statistics.

I read.

[GROANS]

-What
-Larry, Lomax is dead.

He can't be.

[GROANS]

Why do these things
always happen to me?

What kind of a host invites you to his
house for the weekend and dies on you?

Why would he do this, huh?
I mean, he had everything.

A house. Cars. Women.

This is tragic.

I don't understand why he couldn't wait
until Monday to kill himself.

Look, we have to call the police.

And how am I going to get back
to the city? He promised me a ride.

Knock it off, Larry.
Who cares about a ride?

We're talking death here.

I mean, this is just my luck.

I finally catch a break at the office,

finally see some tight
at the end of the tunnel and wham! Gone!

Wait a minute.
What am I going to tell them, huh?

They might think
we had something to do with it.

You know, I told everyone we were going
to Bernie's house for the weekend.

They were so jealous.
I mean, I loved it.

-Now what am I gonna tell them?
-I don't know.

[VOICES APPROACHING]

[MAN] Bernie, you should've
been on the court.

-What a great day.
-[WOMAN] Do you see him?

[MAN 2] Where are you?

Bernie!

[SLURRING] Bernie, baby,
get off your ass. It's party time!

You should have been out there
sailing with us today.

The sun was fabulous the wind was
fabulous, we had a great time.

-Oh, hi, guys.
-Hi.

Love you, darling, just love you.
You know, you could use a little sun.

We're going again tomorrow
if you want to go.

Lie on the deck, catch those rays.
Don't worry. I'll help myself.

Um... He's dead.

That's the idea, isn't it Cheers.

-Hi, Bern!
-Hey, Bernie.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

Hi, Bernie.

Hey, dude. You need to pump some iron.

So, Bernie. What about your Porsche?
Had a chance to think about my offer?

You know $30000 is a more than
decent price for that car.

You just think about it, take your time
don't rush into anything. See you later.

-[LAUGHTER]
-[CORKS POPPING]

Excuse me.

[WOMAN] Harvey,
you promised me a review

on the front page
of the Sunday Times book section.

I know, Alice, but he won't bend on it.

He says there's no interest
in the subject matter.

-No interest in the...
-Pardon me. What's the book about?

Whether Sherlock Holmes
and Dr. Watson were secretly married.

-Eyes, nose, and breasts.
-How much?

A little tuck here,
little sand there, a little lift there.

-Do I need that much?
-These people.

Where did all these people come from?

Floating party. Happens every weekend.

-Like a drink?
-No, thanks.

Yeah, I'd love some champagne, thanks.

[MAN] Hey, Bernie. What a radical party.

Got to move your workout
to late tomorrow afternoon, B.

Liza's maid is over for the weekend,
and I had to give her your regular time.

[LAUGHS]

-Thanks, Klaus. I got it.
-See you, Bern.

Ahhh...

Feels good, eh, Bern?
You're really loose.

Never seen you this relaxed before.
Keep it up.

I've got to go. Duty calls. [LAUGHS]

Hey babe.

Hi, Bernie. I hear you
got something for me.

A little present?

Playing games, are we?

It's gotta be in here somewhere.

I think I found something.

Thanks a lot, Bernie.

Doesn't anyone realize he's dead?

OK, Bernie, I'm gonna shoot the wad.

I can't believe I'm doing this.
I'm gonna go $40,000.

No? You'll be begging me.

We have to call the police.

Oh, hi. Here.

-Some of the biggest producers.
-Yeah?

Mm-hm. Loved my record.

-Hello, is this the police Yes...
-rich, I got an idea.

Now, I know it's gonna sound funny
but just hear me out.

No, Larry, why is the hair on the back
of my neck starting to stand up?

OK, now, we could call the police,
we could do that,

but you know where we'd be
spending our weekend...

in some hot police station answering
questions we don't know the answers to.

Now, obviously Bernie felt
he owed us something here,

some small, little favor for discovering
those mistakes at the company.

That's why he invited us out here
for the weekend in the first place.

Seems to me,
it'd be almost disrespectful

not to grant him his final wish.

All I'm saying is,
why don't we just pretend he didn't die?

Just for a bit?

[FORCED LAUGHTER]

I don't believe I'm hearing this.

No, Richard, I loved that man.
He loved me.

I know he loved you.

He'd want this.

I mean, he would really want this.

Yes, operator, can you get me
the police, please? Thank you.

Incidentally, you're
a disgusting human being.

Gwen.

-Well, hello, Gwen.
-Wayne. Hi.

[MAN ON PHONE]
Hampton Bay Police Department.

-Hello? Hello?
-Um...

It's amazing.

-Hello, this is the police department.
-I'll call the police.

No, you know, you were right.
Bernie would have wanted it this way.

No, Richard, I think
we should call the police.

Larry, just give me ten minutes, OK?

Take 20.

-Hi.
-Hi, Freda.

Darling, you look wonderful.

Forty-five thousand.

Plus free tennis lessons.
That's it, take it or leave it.

Bernie

Bernie

Is this guy a tough
negotiator or what, huh? [LAUGHS]

Keep the piece of shit.

Oh, what a bash.

Oh! Bernie, you animal.
You're insatiable.

-You slay me, Bernie.
-Bernie, I've got to talk to you.

Uh, Bernie is a little wasted right now.

Hi. Wait. OK.

I can't blame you if you
never want to speak to me again.

If I were you, I wouldn't want
to speak to me, either.

But I just want to tell you I'm sorry
for being such a jerk last night.

I don't know what got into me.
I hope you can forgive me.

It was kind of funny, seeing your father
in his underwear and everything.

-So you do forgive me?
-No, but it was kind of funny.

I'll never lie again. Honest.

So what are you doing here?

Well, Mr. Lomax invited me
and my friend Larry for the weekend.

-Oh, moving up in the company?
-Yeah.

[MAN] I saw this great play.
Yeah, it's called...

You're on your own for a minute here.

Great writer.

Well, hello.

I'm Larry.

Fuck off, Larry.

OK.

Oh, by the way, how's your aunt?

-Who
-Your aunt?

-Oh, she passed away.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, it's all right.

Didn't you say you'd be spending
this weekend with your parents?

Yes, I did. I am.

-They have a house here.
-Great.

There's Bernie. I wanted to thank him
for my summer job.

I'll be right back.

No!

What

Nothing.

Go see Bernie about it. Go see Bernie.

-Oh, Gwen, darling, how are you?
-Fine, thank you.

Have I ever told you
I never liked the name Gwen on you?

To me you'll always be Vanessa.

Her father and I,
we went to Harvard together.

You're probably right.
Oh, Bernie...

[LARRY] Here we go, sugar
move it over, OK, baby?

Asshole!

I don't understand why
we have to move him.

Oh, don't ask me any questions, Lar.
Just move him.

Here we go. Ready?

I can't believe I'm touching
a dead body.

He was your boss.
Come on, let's go. Whoa!

[LAUGHTER]

-Ha, ha! What a kidder.
-Bernie, you had a little too much.

Come on, you had too much again
you big knucklehead.

Come on, let's go.

Come on. He is crazy.

Here we go. Walk it off, big guy.

Nice outfit.

Look even nicer
crumpled up on my floor in the morning.

-[GIGGLING]
-[GWEN GROANS]

-Polyester doesn't crumple.
-[BOTH GUFFAWING]

-Here we go. That's it, Bernie.
-Hi, Bernie.

-[MAN] Just like last week, huh?
-Come on.

Bernie! Bernie All right. OK.

Look me in the eye. Fifty thousand.

Yes, yes, yes! I knew it!
Thank you, Bernie!

Thank you so much.
This guy is like family.

You're beautiful!

Grab him. Larry. Larry!
Bernie...

-Jesus.
-Oh, God.

-Hi, boys. Great view.
-Hello, there. How are you?

I give it an 8.3.

Um, Larry, we can't just
leave him there, you know.

Richard...

Girl. Beach. Sand. Surf. Moonlight.

You ever see Here to Eternity, Rich?

You're right. We better get him.

-Thirty minutes. Then we call the cops.
-Not a second more.

Ladies, how are you?

[WAVES RUMBLING]

Hi.

Are we allowed to talk or anything?

Why did you leave the party?

I just don't feel comfortable
with most of those people.

I don't really know any of those people.
I just know... knew... know... Bernie.

[GWEN] Besides, I figure
I can thank Bernie tomorrow.

You know, when there's more privacy.

Uh-huh. Where are we going?

There's a beautiful view from up there.

Oh, great.

[HINGES CREAKING]

Ever been in a lighthouse before?

No, this is my first time.
This is great.

Does anybody live up there?
A lighthouse keeper or someone?

No, it's all automated now. Come on.

That kind of takes some
of the romance out of it.

Does it?

-[LAUGHING] You all right?
-Oh, yeah.

[SIGHS]

-You're right. This is beautiful.
-Yeah.

My God, you can see
the whole island from up here.

You know, I've always wondered
how these things work.

-Richard, don't.
-[YELLS]

-I can't see!
-Watch out for the trap...

[YELLING]

...door.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, my God.

Oh... Ow... Oh...

-that one works.
-Richard? Richard.

-Are you OK?
-Oh, fine, yeah.

-Are you sure
-I fell down a couple of stairs.

-Anything broken?
-Nothing's broken.

-Are you sure
-A little pain, but I'm all right.

-I'm fine. How are you?
-I'm good.

Here. Hold on.

The good news is, I can see again.

[LAUGHING]

-I'm so sorry, Richard.
-No, it's OK, really.

I've always wanted a limp.

I must thank you.
This has been a great date.

I hope my major medical covers it.

-[GWEN LAUGHING]
-What?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh...

...but the look on your face
when you fell through the trapdoor.

I think I've got a cracked rib.

-Do you want to sit down?
-No.

No I better not. The way things are
going, I'm gonna break my ass.

-You'll be OK.
-OK.

-[LAUGHS]
-OK.

I've had a crush on you
since the first day I saw you at work.

I'm crazy about you.

This is so right.

Oh my God.
This can't be happening to me.

It's happening to both of us.
You're right. It's so right.

No. this isn't right, it's all wrong.
Not here in the sand.

-What
-You deserve more than this.

You need music, flowers, candies.
You need...

-You need to get out of here.
-Oh! Are you kidding me?

No, I'm very serious.
You could catch a cold.

-Where do you live?
-Dune Walk.

[WHIMPERS]

Larry! Larry!

Larry!

Oh, my God are you dead, too?

Mister? Hello?

Oh, Jesus. What is it with this place?

Larry! Hello?

Hey! How are you? Party's over.
You have to go home now.

-Where's Bernie?
-He's swimming.

I had a wonderful time.
I'm sorry I had to leave so early.

Have fun. See you at the next one.

Larry! Larry!

Larry! Larry are you in there?

-Come on out, Lar. Right now.
-[LARRY] Go away.

I need to talk to you!

Can you just give me 30 seconds?

Bernie is waiting for us.

Look, Bernie
isn't going anywhere, OK?

I need you, Lar.
Bernie, he needs you, too.

[LARRY] Unbelievable.

How am I supposed to know that
the tide is gonna come up that high?

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't understand why
this is becoming all my fault.

-[TINA] Bernie!
-Shit.

-Did you invite somebody over?
-Of course not.

Well, somebody's here.

Let's just shove him in the bedroom
we'll say he's steeping.

Bernie, you cheat!

You liar!

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

[TINA] Bernie, open up.

Damn you, Bernie.

Don't do this to me! Bernie!

Bernie!

Where the hell are you,
you son of a bitch?

I got you now, you two-timing bastard!

Who the hell are you Where's Bernie?

We're Bernie's houseguests.
Who are you?

I'm his woman.

And I'll kill him
if he's cheating on me.

Where the hell is he And don't try
to cover up for him, either.

-He's not here.
-Haven't seen him.

I don't believe you.

I don't... I...
I'm gonna tear this place apart.

[CLATTERING]

-That's his woman?
-I guess so.

[CLATTERING CONTINUES]

-Where the hell is he?
-He's in the bedroom.

Is that so?

Well, he better be alone.

-[CRASHING]
-Oh!

-God damn it.
-Fun while it lasted, huh?

What difference does it make?
We might as well get this over with.

You know, this is good. She discovers
the body, she calls the police.

Fix me a drink, will you?

Oh, I hate it when they scream.

[GIGGLING]

[TINA] Oh, no!

[TINA GASPING]

What gives? She has been up there,
what, ten, 15 minutes?

I don't get it.

[HUMMING HAPPILY]

[SIGHS]

Got a little scotch?

Sure.

-Did everything go OK up there?
-Never been better.

Oh, good.

How do you like that?

The guy gets laid more dead
than I do alive.

No, she couldn't have.

He couldn't have.

I get yelled at when I just lay there.

[EXHALES]

[HUMMING]

[GIGGLES]

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[BOAT HORN BLOWING]

Vito, I'm telling you, Lomax is alive.

She was with him for at least
a half an hour... in the bedroom.

[VITO] Bedroom? What were they
doing in the bedroom?

I'd rather not say.

What the hell happened to Paulie?

Yeah, maybe Paulie
is rustier than we thought.

-Well...
-What a night.

Great, isn't it? It isn't over yet.

Oh, it is for me. I'm dead.
No offense, Bernie.

I just gotta lie down for a minute.

Suit yourself. Whatever you like.
I'm going on to find the next party.

OK. Just wake me up when you get back.

-OK, sure. Whatever you like.
-Because I got to call the cops.

-Of course you do. In the morning.
-When I have a clear head.

OK. Good night, buddy.

Don't forget to... wake me up.

I made these a little sweeter this time.
OK, Bernie?

God, it's glorious out, huh?

Here we go, my friend.

This should do it.

OK. How did you do here?

Ooh, Oriental?
Ouch, I think I own that one.

With hotel... Oh, five-fifty.

Give me six we'll call it square.

Hey, Bernie, Larry.

Great party last night, Bernie.
Your best ever.

Ladies! Hello. How are you today?

-Great.
-Fine.

-Are we doing it again today?
-Oh, absolutely. You know we are.

-Great. We'll see you later, guys.
-Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, ladies. We'll see you later.

-[LAUGHING]
-[FLY BUZZING]

Is this great or what?

OK, coming out. My turn.
Shooter now.

Yes! Free parking.
Five hundred for me.

Bastard!

[LARRY] I own it. OK, that is 24...

I own them all, $46, my friend.
Call it 50.

Thank you. My turn. Here we go.

Lucky seven coming out.

Shit.

One more you get out of jail free.
All right. Fine. Your turn. I'll roll.

Here we go. Coming out.

Ah! Community Chest.

"Second prize in a beauty contest."

-What are you doing?
-Playing Monopoly. You want to play?

-No.
-Here we go.

-How did he get down here?
-He walked.

-He walked
-Say good morning.

Oh, God. You're just a sick man, Larry.

-What time is it?
-It's 11:30.

-11:30
-Uh-huh.

You let me sleep till 11:30 I have...

-When did you get a Rolex?
-Oh, this.

Uh...

-Good God!
-He didn't need it anymore.

That's it. That's it.
We're gonna go to jail.

They're gonna arrest us.
I'm catting the cops.

You know I wanted to
call them yesterday, my friend.

He's very upset. Richard, look.

Let me just say one thing here.

There is no reason
to get pissy about this.

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Hello. Hello?

-Richard
-Ooh, it's for you.

-Gwen.
-Hi.

What are you doing here?

Uh...

I just came by to talk to Bernie.

I didn't get
a chance to last night, so...

Oh, no you don't. Bernie and I
are in a very big business meeting.

-Now
-Yes.

Bernie has such little time,
so can you come back later?

Wait a minute.
What happened to Mr. Romantic?

-Candlelight? Flowers?
-Yeah, yeah, I know.

But Bernie is tied up right now.

-It's a bad time.
-What is going on, Richard?

OK. I'll tell you.

I probably shouldn't,
I know I shouldn't, but...

At this point, why not Mr. Lomax is...

Mr. Lomax is...

...my boss. I work for him
at the insurance company. Anyway...

[FOOTSTEPS ON DECK]

[LARRY] Oh, Bernie,
you're starting to peel.

Better get you out of the sun, huh?

Here we go.

And we were really looking forward
to coming out here...

...when we got here, Mr. Lomax...

Bernie was...

...dead.

-Dead.
-Mmm.

Like your said your
mother and father were dead.

-And your aunt, she's dead, too?
-Different kind of dead.

[YELPING]

You son of a bitch. I got you.

Then how come I saw Bernie
with you and your friend at the party?

Because...

You don't believe me?

OK, I'm gonna prove it to you.
Come on.

-Richard...
-This is not gonna be fun.

[PANTING]

Ah.

I know you think I'm crazy, but...

-Uh... uh...
-Mm-hm.

Well

-Where's Bernie?
-Oh, hello!

-Bernie. Where's Bernie?
-He went for more daiquiri mix.

No, he didn't!
No, he didn't.

Richard, I don't know what
this game is you're playing,

but this is ridiculous.
I'm out of here.

Gwen, I'm not playing
any games with you.

I'm telling you the truth!
Bernie's here.

[FLY BUZZING]

Where is Bernie Hmm?

What, you bastard,
did you do with Bernie?

I'm phoning the police.

There's no dial tone.
With 97 buttons...

[PAULIE ON MACHINE]
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's your house?

[BERNIE] It's on the point,
top of the dune.

Where is the off button?

[BERNIE] Look, Paulie, just
don't kill them while I'm around.

[PAULIE] Bernie,
we're on a phone here.

[BERNIE] You're right.

-Play that back.
-I just got it stopped.

Richard, play it back, please.

Hey, Lomax, it's Paulie.
I just got to the island.

[BERNIE] You're early.

Those two little schmucks
aren't coming until the 6:00 ferry

-and I still have to plant the note.
-[PAULIE] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-So where's your house?
-It's on the point, top of the dune.

Look, Paulie...

-don't kill them while I'm around.
-Bernie, we're on the phone here.

[BERNIE] You're right, you're right.
OK, I'm sorry.

Look, the point is, I just want to be
back in New York with an alibi, OK?

[PAULIE] Yeah, don't worry about it.

-[DIAL TONE]
-[BEEPS]

We were on the 6:00 ferry.

And we're two schmucks.

-Kill us
-Lomax?

Bernie is gonna have us killed?

Kill us?

-Why?
-I don't know. I...

Unless he's the one who's been
stealing from the company.

Son of a bitch. He's gonna kill me!

I liked the guy.

OK. OK.
He said something about a note, right?

-I know, Richard.
-Let's find it.

Bernie, you lying swine.

-Holy crap!
-What?

Larry...

-There's a $100,000 here, easy.
-This is the note. Listen.

"Richard Parker and I
stole this money from the company..."

"...to pay for my sex change operation."

-What?
-That's what it says.

"Now he tells me he loves someone else.

I can't live with that,
and neither will he."

It's got my name on it.

Oh God.

Son of a bitch. It's not bad enough
that he's trying to kill me,

now he's turning me into a drag queen.

Why couldn't he say you were
gonna have a sex change operation?

-It doesn't matter.
-It does matter, Richard.

-I've a reputation to protect here.
-For Christ's sakes, Larry!

No one is going
to have a sex change operation.

Oh, yeah.
I got to call the cops.

-[WOMAN] Operator.
-Operator, the police, please.

You mean Ed?
He's out on the beach somewhere.

When do you expect Ed back,
because it's a bit of an emergency.

I don't know. Wanna leave a message?

-Yeah. Help!
-OK...

Let's get out of here.

We have to get off this island,
and maybe not get killed doing it.

-Wait a minute.
-Tell me you have a brilliant idea.

-I have an idea.
-What is it?

Lomax told whoever he was talking to
not to kill us if he's around, right?

Yeah, but Lomax is dead.
He's not around anybody anymore.

I know that. You know that.

-Nobody else knows that. Huh?
-Ahh! Where's Bernie?

Right there.

There's no Bernie.

He's gotta to be, Rich.
I dumped him here myself.

Where is he?

-Larry.
-What?

-Excuse me.
-Hey, kid.

-What are you doing?
-What do you want?

-You little brat!
-What are you doing?

Get out of there.

-What the hell are you doing?
-You can't do that.

This is private property.

-You're talking to me?
-[RICHARD] Yeah.

-Well, shut up.
-Who are you... You lousy...

You better be gone
by the time we get there.

-Scram! Get out of here!
-You little bastard.

How'd you like to kiss this?

-We have bigger problems.
-Kiss my ass.

-What kind of home training is that?
-He buried all of Bernie.

-Jesus.
-Come on.

[GRUNTING]

Jesus.

Come on.

Good thing for you, you're dead, pal.

I actually felt sorry for you,
you rat shit.

He looks good enough. Let's go.

-Uh-oh. Larry.
-What?

Jesus.
I never knew he wore a toupee.

How do you like that?
You can hardly tell.

Who cares? What are we gonna do about
it? We can't take him out like this.

The killer might not know
it's Bernie and shoot us.

[BANGING]

So long, Lar,
it has been fun but... not really.

Goodbye, Rich.

Hail Mary, full of grace
the Lord is...

Jesus.

Hail Mary, full of grace
the Lord is...

[BANGING]

[GIGGLING]

-You little bastard.
-[SHRIEKS]

-Get back here you little monster.
-Never mind him.

I'm gonna rip your gums out!

-I'm gonna get that little kid.
-What are we gonna do with Bernie?

Ah!

-Oh, boy.
-[CLATTERING]

Come on Bernie. Up.

Put it on him. Put it on him. Huh?

Oh. Brilliant.

-Sambuca on the rocks.
-Yes, sir.

[MUTTERS IN ITALIAN]

OK! Here we go. Ready. Up.

You take him down. I'll get the cart.

Hey, Bernie! Bernie! Hey!

Bernie, wait a minute.

-That guy talking to us
-Who cares? Get out of here.

Bernie, I've got to talk to you.

Bernie! Bernie, come on!

-[MAN] Hey, Bernie. Looking good.
-Hi.

-[WOMAN] Hi Bernie.
-Hello.

-[MAN 2] Great party last night, Bern.
-How are you?

Bernie, I've got to talk to you!

-Jesus. He's behind us.
-Hmm?

Shit! Is that the killer?

How do I know, Richard?
Should I stop and ask him?

No. Just drive. Just go.

Bernie, I gotta talk to you!

-Doesn't this thing go any faster?
-This is it.

[MAN] We gotta talk! Bernie!

-What about our arrangement?
-Come on, Larry. Move it!

Hey, Bernie. The Maserati.
I painted it black for you.

Bernie! The Maserati!

Huh? [LAUGHING]

[HORN BLOWING]

[RICHARD] Ferry's gonna leave.

Hold it! Wait! Stop this for a second.

Let's go.

Rich! Grab him. Grab a leg.

Wait, wait, wait!
We can't just drag him in.

-He's got to look like he's alive.
-OK, OK, OK...

Idea.

OK!

Your right leg on three, ready?
Here we go. One, two, three, go.

-Hold the boat!
-Got it? Hold the boat.

Hold that boat.

Hold it.

-Hi, Bern.
-How are you doing?

[BOTH] Hold the boat!

[LARRY] Hold the boat, please.

[RICHARD] Hold on. We'll be right there.

[LARRY] We're coming.

[WHIMPERING]

[BOTH YELLING]

Come on, Bern.

[RICHARD] Hold it. Hold the boat.

Shit! What do we do?

Stop the boat!
Stop the boat!

Look at this fool.
He wants to get off, we want to get on.

I'm gonna kill you.

-What?
-That's right, the good news is,

you don't have to worry
about anybody else murdering you,

because I'm gonna do it.
This was all your fault.

-We'll die on this crummy island.
-Let me remind you, pal,

you're the one who did the extra work
on the goddamn computer.

[RICHARD] Schmuck, if it wasn't for me
you'd be fired six months ago.

You can't even work the coffee machine.

"Come on, Larry, a little
brown-nosing, ass kissing,

to work our way
up that corporate ladder."

Why can't you be a lazy shit like I am?

[PAULIE] Somebody...
Somebody talk to the captain!

-Well...
-OK.

-Let's go.
-I'm sorry.

[PAULIE] Please.

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Somebody talk to the captain!

-I'm sorry, but we're still gonna die.
-Not as long as Bernie's with us.

Great, I hope the killer
keeps that in mind.

Larry, please tell me
how we're gonna get off this island.

-We got a boat.
-What boat?

Lomax's boat.

-Tawny brought the keys back, remember?
-Right. OK.

You go and get 'em,
I'll stay here with Bernie.

I ain't going anywhere without Bernie.

You go back, get the keys.
I'll stay with Bernie.

OK, we'll all go back to the house.
We'll all get the goddamn keys.

-We'll all stay with Bernie.
-Fine.

Hurry up.

Move it.

Hold it, hold up.

OK. The keys.

-Here they are.
-Got it. Let's go.

Oh, my God, Richard!

-Oh, my God, oh, my God.
-It's the killer.

-Get the door.
-Shh. Shh...

[WHISPERING] Quiet.

-[LARRY] Lock it.
-[RICHARD] I can't lock it.

All I got it the key to the boat.

-Kitchen.
-No, no, no, there's no door.

-Back door.
-OK.

[BOTH YELLING]

OK, don't panic. Don't panic.

Do something, Rich.

I got Bernie you get the guy.

Do something, Rich.

Get him, Rich.

You in here, Lomax? You little bastard.

You jerk.

Kick me in the ass.

It's my turn now. [GRUNTS]

Got him, Lar.

There's another one.

He's got a knife.

Mr. Lomax?

-What the hell?
-[YELLS]

-You can come out now, Rambo.
-You sure, Rich?

Good job.

-Two killers.
-Hey, anybody could be the killer.

Jesus, we gotta get rid of them.

Yeah, let's shove 'em
in the kitchen pantry.

I don't know why
I have to carry the heavy guy.

OK, got it?

-Yeah.
-Get his legs.

-Hey, hey, Larry, let me out!
-Whew!

OK.

Here comes Bernie.

-Hey, hey, hey!
-Coming through!

-There it is. Stop.
-[BRAKES SQUEALING]

-OK, OK...
-[MAN] Hi, guys.

OK, ready? On three, here we go.
One, two, three.

Let's go.

-[LAUGHING]
-OK. Untie us.

OK

-Give me the keys.
-Have you ever driven a boat before?

I was born on a boat.

This is a fancy boat.

OK. All right.

-Push something.
-I am, Richard.

-Nothing's happening.
-I know.

-Push something else.
-Something's happening.

Something's definitely
happening here.

[SCREAMS]

Wait a minute, hold on.

Are you trying to give me
a heart attack?

OK. OK.

-I know it's here.
-Just keep pressing those buttons.

-[ALARM BLASTING]
-I'm pressing. I pressed that button.

-Nothing is happening, Larry.
-I know that.

-Did you try the key
-Don't insult my intelligence.

-Try the key again.
-Fine.

-[ENGINE STARTS]
-See that?

-Here we go!
-We're going homer.

-Give it some gas now.
-Giving it gas.

-Gas.
-Gas.

-Nothing's happening.
-More gas.

-More gas.
-A little more gas.

We're not moving. Why aren't we moving?

-I don't know.
-That's all we got.

Larry you said you've
done this before.

[LARRY] It's different than my boat, OK?

[BOTH HOLLERING]

Ugh.

-[LARRY] Don't panic. Don't panic.
-Stop the boat, Larry!

-[YELLING]
-Whoa, stop!

[BOTH HOLLERING]

Back it up.

[LARRY] We got it.

-What's going on?
-That's illegal.

-What you're doing is illegal.
-You have a nice day now, OK!

Are you nuts?

-Got it now. Moving forward. Hold on.
-Oh, shit!

Hey! Larry! Larry!

Sorry, Rich. Coming back.

Coming around.

Why is this happening to me?

Coming back.

[LAUGHING]

-[LARRY] Here we are.
-Stop the boat. Idiot.

Stop the boat!

-Where... Where are the brakes?
-Boats don't have brakes, captain.

You're kidding. How do they stop?

Throw the anchor.
The anchor, throw it.

-[MAN] they're headed for us.
-Here we go.

-Whatever you're doing don't.
-[SHRIEKING]

Sorry.

You broke my watch.
You broke my watch, Larry.

-[PEOPLE WHOOPING]
-Mine still works.

You better put that thing
back on the dead body.

Drive the boat, Richard.

The cops are gonna take
our fat heads to jail.

My God. Look at them.

Ladies, how are you?

Hello, Betty.

God! Just once,
I'd like a woman like that.

Let's party.

[BOAT HORN BLARING]

[YELLING]

Turn the boat!
Turn the boat!

Watch the fishermen! Fishermen!

[YELLING]

[MEN SHOUTING]

-Watch the wake!
-Duck!

Watch the wake, Richard!

[BOTH YELLING]

This is tougher than it looks.

You're doing very well, Richard.

-Sorry I snapped at you.
-No, it's OK.

I've never been chased by a killer
before, you know?

It's all right. You're doing very well.

-[HORN TOOTING]
-[CHEERING]

-Why is everybody waving at us?
-I'm popular.

-I see.
-[MAN] Hey, Bernie, showing off again?

Oh, God. What the hell are those things?

[LARRY] those are obviously
channel markers, Richard.

Obviously. OK wise ass do you know
what side I'm supposed to pass on?

That I don't know. Just stay close.
What else can happen here?

Oh, I've got no idea.

-Serpentine.
-Is that close enough?

[MARKER CLANGS]

-Do you hear something?
-Uh-uh.

[CLANGING]

-There it is again.
-Yeah.

-[RICHARD] I wonder what that is?
-[LARRY] What is that?

[CLANGING]

[CLANGING]

-Man overboard.
-What?

-Stop the boat.
-Oh... Bernie!

He's got nice form.

I don't know.

-I'm trying to drive a boat.
-You're doing well.

Trying to get us
off this island of hell.

You had maybe one job to do.
Watch a dead body.

-Well, let's not argue about it.
-Jesus.

-You were the one who tied him up.
-Don't blame this all on me.

-Oh, my God.
-What?

You've lost my sunglasses.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoa!

-[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
-What are you doing?

I haven't got a clue.

-I don't believe this.
-What?

Lar... we're out of gas.

[RICHARD] Paddling...
in the Atlantic Ocean...

-...on a dead body.
-Rich, I'm getting swimmer's ear.

This is now the perfect weekend.

It started when I almost broke my leg
jumping on a moving ferry.

I get to this beautiful beach
and my host... Sorry, he's dead.

Where's the... Oh! Hampton Island.

Checkers. Excuse me, sir.
Is this your launch?

-Come on, let's go.
-Don't rush.

Come on, come on.
Can you put a tittle snap in it, fellas?

OK, Cappy.

Whoa.

[MAN] Hold on, you damn fool.

[RICHARD] I fell down a lighthouse.
I had a corpse wash up...

-Hi, guys!
-...next to me on the shore.

And then I find out that my dead boss

is not only a thief,
he wants to kill me.

[RICHARD] I almost drown.

The girl of my dreams
now thinks I'm a raving lunatic.

[LARRY] You mean what's-her-name?

[RICHARD] And, now, we're going back
to the house of death.

-Great weekend, huh?
-Great weekend!

Just get here as fast as you can.
Thanks, Ed.

Police is on the way.

Can just lock ourselves in
until they get here?

I hate it when he
stares at me like that.

Let's go.

OK, put him in his bathroom.

-Bernie's picked up a little weight.
-What do you expect?

He's been soaking in the ocean
for two hours.

[LARRY] Made a damn good
float though, huh?

Richard?

Richard, are you in here?

Richard?

Richard?

[BOTH] Gwen! It's Gwen.

Hi, Gwen.

You know, you've got to be
the weirdest guy I've ever met.

-You told me Bernie was dead, right?
-[RICHARD STAMMERING]

I just saw you with him.
What's your explanation this time?

Gwen! I don't mean to be rude
but get the hell out of here.

No, I'm not going anywhere
until you tell me what is going on.

Listen to me! You're in danger here,

-leave unless you want to get shot.
-Oh, God, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Look honey Lomax is dead
somebody is trying to kill us.

Can we stay at your house
until the cops come or what?

It's just Bernie.

[WHIMPERS]

Shh. Gwen... listen to me.

We didn't do this to him.
Do we look like we could kill someone?

Listen, honey, have a drink, relax.
You'll be fine.

Let me rephrase that.
Do I look like I could kill someone?

-[MAN] What is going on in there?
-[THUMPING]

-Which one of you bastards hit me?
-Son of a bitch.

-[BOTH YELLING]
-You want to get your butt kicked?

-I can explain.
-[PAULIE YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[GUN FIRING]

[PANTING]

Company.

I didn't see anything.
I was looking at my watch.

I'm blind.

[GUN CLICKS]

It's empty.

That's right. But this ain't.

[CACKLING]

-[SHRIEKING]
-[LARRY] Let's go!

Run! Move it! This way!

[GUN BLASTING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

-It's locked!
-Mister, what are you doing?

-We're friends of Bernie's.
-I hate Bernie's friends.

[FRENETIC CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

-Aah!
-This way.

To the bedroom.
Up here, come on!

-[LARRY] Come on, let's go.
-[RICHARD] Up, up, up!

[PAULIE] You're dead meat
you little bastards.

-[GUN FIRES]
-Aah!

-[PAULIE] Now I'm really mad!
-[LARRY] Wait.

-[RICHARD] What
-You take Gwen, you go hide...

I'll let him chase me,
you try and call the cops, OK?

OK? that's it? No arguments?

[PAULIE] I'll get youse, one by one!

There's no place to hide!

I'm gonna die.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

-[GRUNTS]
-[MUSIC HIT CRESCENDO]

-You kicked me you bastard!
-[FIRES GUN]

-[GUN CLICKING]
-[PAULIE] Shit! Out of bullets.

[BULLETS RATTLING IN POCKET]

[MUSIC SLOWS AND DIES]

[MUSIC RESUMES]

-Sit the hell down!
-[GRUNTS]

-Hang on, Lar!
-I got him, Rich!

-Coming! Coming!
-I got him.

[TEETH GNASHING]

Get off.

-Hang on, Lar.
-I got him, rich, I got him.

Stand up. Fight like a man.
Come on. Put them up, you chicken.

Watch this, Richard.

-[GROANS]
-[MUSIC SUBSIDES]

[SIGHS]

-[RICHARD] All right, Lar.
-Huh? [LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[LARRY] Fists of steel.

[PAULIE WHIMPERS]
Bernie? Bernie, let go of me.

I always liked you, Bernie.

Bernie!

-I got it, thanks.
-[LARRY] No, no, just a little closer.

Just get the two of us.
Get the handshake in, OK?

Wait a minute. I think I blinked. Did I
blink? I think I blinked a second there.

-He blinked.
-He blinked. I saw him.

Make sure he's wrapped up good.

Wait a minute.

[BABBLING] I didn't kill him.
He's not dead.

I tried to kill him.

-Look at him. He's alive.
-[MAN] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-He's not dead. He's alive.
-Move it.

[PAULIE] That man is alive!

[LARRY] Well, now what?

[RICHARD] Now I'm gonna take a week off.

You're taking a vacation?
The man who won't take a coffee break?

Gwen invited me to stay with her.
What am I gonna say?

You're kidding me. You invited him?
You fool. That's fabulous.

You deserve it, Richard.
The company owes you.

Just a couple of days
until Gwen leaves for school.

There's plenty of room
if you want to stay, Lar.

Me? Oh, no, thanks.
I'll just tough it out here at Bernie's.

I hear the party Saturday night is
better than Friday, actually.

Hey what's going on?
What's happened?

[MAN] Didn't you hear?
Bernie Lomax got killed.

-[WOMAN] No.
-[MAN] Yeah.

-Did you go to that party last night?
-[WOMAN] No.

Lawrence, you done real good.
I'm proud of you.

Yeah, I did OK huh? Surprised myself.

You did great, Rich.

Oh, hi, Bernie.
See you at the party tonight.

What

[BOTH] What did she say?

[ALL YELLING]

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, mister can I bury you?

Great!