Wedding Unplanned (2017) - full transcript
When she discovers a wedding planer's business card, Alexia instantly says, "YES" to Mathias unaware that it belongs to his mistress. The groom is now trapped between his bride, and his lover who in charge of his unwanted marriage.
WEDDING UNPLANNED
These guys are all shacked up.
The party sucks.
No. It's perfect.
What's that?
Proximity marketing.
It's spot-on our clientele
and we paid to get in.
"You Only Have One Most
Beautiful Day"? Who did this?
- Me. I think it looks pro.
- If you say.
The printer's a crook!
We don't need...
I always said, beware of midgets!
The shorter the babe,
the more demonic.
She's closer to hell.
Load of crap!
Do you tell your shrink that?
It's not crap!
And the prettier they are,
the crazier. It's scientific.
Look here. The vertical line
is the Insanity Axis.
All babes are nuts.
It goes from 5 to 10.
The horizontal line
is the Beauty Axis. Zero to 10.
But we don't hit on dogs,
so we start at 5.
And this is the Madness Index.
You want a Beauty Rating of 5 to 8,
to reach a Madness Index of 7.
They're pretty and crazy,
but within reason.
That's the "Hit Zone."
A Beauty Index above 8?
They're very beautiful
but very crazy.
Actresses, strippers,
girls with daddy hang-ups...
It's the "Danger Zone"!
- And pretty and not crazy?
- Unicorns.
- How's that?
- They don't exist.
You see,
that's a 4 who thinks she's a 9.
Come on!
No, I'm good.
I'll be back.
Oh, I see.
See you later, pal.
Looking for this?
Yes. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Looks like
we're from the same family.
Superman. Wonder Woman.
Actually, no.
Superman's cousin is Supergirl.
Wonder Woman is an Amazon.
No direct relation.
Cool. Glad to hear it.
It could've been awkward.
- This one's on me.
- No, I have to go.
I'm not asking you.
- Just one.
- Ok, one.
Maybe two.
Thinking of marriage?
Our agency takes care of everything.
- Let me try it on.
- Come here.
You're so pretty!
Hey there, you like me?
Thinking of marriage?
"The Big Day" organizes everything.
That's better!
I'm not going to eat you.
I'm leaving.
Cool.
Come here, I have a secret for you.
We said one shot. One.
Relax.
- No, this is no good.
- It's no good?
- Yes, it's very good but...
- But what?
- There's a frog watching us.
- Where?
Over here!
It was super... man.
Right, the costume.
It was wonder-ful...
woman.
You know, the costume.
Wonder Woman.
I know, lousy joke.
No, it was lousy.
See you maybe?
Sure, maybe.
You don't want my number?
Yeah sure, you have a number?
Of course you do.
I'll give it to you.
But only because you insist.
I even have a card.
My pleasure, Juliette.
Pleased to meet you...
Mathias.
My name is Mathias.
Pleased to meet you, Mathias.
Thank you.
France Info, it's 8:45 am...
I'm fed up!
I'm not your cleaning lady!
Mom! Answer me when I talk to you!
Shit!
Mom?
- Mom!
- Yes, sweetie?
What're you doing?
I was thinking.
Did you drink again?
Not at all.
I can't leave you alone one evening!
Next weekend,
you'll work with me!
- What'll I do?
- Anything!
Hurry,
you have a 10 am appointment.
I'm ready.
First you wash up.
I told you not to bring friends home.
He's not a friend. He's a neighbor.
- He lives in the building?
- Outside the building.
No.
You brought home a bum?
The poor man.
He's a sweetheart.
So I told him: "Come spend the night
at my daughter's place.
- There's lots of room."
- Oh yeah?
And he came. There you go.
You said that to him?
You get rid of him,
you wash up,
and get to the shrink's on time.
You can stay, pet, she's gone.
THE BIG DAY
- Hi, Lucie.
- Morning good, Juliette.
Some coffee to start you up?
- Why?
- To boost you. Give you some pops!
I'm fine, thanks.
Her accent kills me.
This can't go on.
The Durand-Martinez wedding...
- We got a honeymoon postcard.
- Damn well should!
Vintage champagne upgrade:
free of charge.
Ice cream cart: free.
I swear, you're so tight.
- No, I'm not.
- You kidding?
You turned down
a 2nd pair of glasses for 1 euro.
Our job is to find clients who pay,
not make friends!
You should get laid.
- What's that got...
- I'm serious.
When was the last time?
You're young, you're hot,
but you want love.
What you really need
is a nice hard cock...
Juliette, my son!
- What's he doing here?
- Teachers' strike.
- How nice.
- Yeah.
We get to babysit.
Keep playing, sweetie.
Oh, honey.
Did you get in late?
Yeah, kind of.
I bet you had an awful time with Ben.
I knew it!
He insisted that you stay again.
You wanted to go,
but you were stuck.
That's it.
You're too nice.
I had a great evening.
We laughed so hard with the girls.
And boy did we drink!
Indecent.
I'm all puffy this morning.
No.
- You look fine.
- This side.
- How are the girls?
- Great.
Except poor Sarah.
She has tendinitis.
At least three months
without Swedish gym classes!
That's tough.
Franck is taking her to Florence for
a romantic weekend as consolation.
Isn't that sweet?
Yeah, it's sweet.
- You want to go to Florence too?
- I didn't say that.
It's just that we don't do much
together anymore.
We just went
to the Maldives and New York.
I don't mean that. I'm talking
about projects as a couple.
You went "pfff."
I didn't go "pfff."
You just went "pfff."
You looked away and went "pfff."
It's like telling me
I'm a pain in the ass.
Want me to take this
to the cleaner's?
Sure, thanks.
Who's Juliette?
Who?
"Ju" what?
- How do you know her?
- I don't know.
- Her card's in your pocket.
- I don't know her.
You have her card
and you don't know her?
Maybe it got there accidentally.
Accidentally? You don't say?
Accidentally? Meaning?
Be more precise.
- Like this, all by itself?
- Yes.
- Mathias, be serious.
- Did I write anything on it?
Nothing at all.
Unless it's on a very illegible spot.
Like the tiny edges.
But no.
- So how do you know her?
- Maybe it's a girl...
She's a wedding planner.
And?
She plans weddings.
Oh my God.
A wedding planner?
We're getting married?
That's why you didn't want me
to see the card?
And I ruined your surprise!
Darling, yes, I do!
I do!
We're getting married!
How wonderful.
- I have to call Daddy right now.
- You sure?
No, wait...
Oh shit.
You never cheated on her before.
You're freaking out.
You're in the "Guilty Zone."
A normal guy gets a bouquet
of flowers, or a bottle of perfume.
Maybe a purse! He doesn't propose.
What'll you do next time?
Sign a 25-year home loan?
Have a baby?
There won't be a next time.
It won't happen again. I love her.
You really are a lobster.
A lobster?
Yes.
Scientifically, lobsters
are the most faithful crustaceans.
- Total fucking bores.
- Thanks.
We had to move on.
I know her family. Her dad's great.
It's been 5 years.
So you jump from the jail yard
into the dungeon.
Smart move.
It's about
the Wimbledon Hotel design.
I said I wasn't free.
- They made a better offer.
- No.
As you like.
Ben...
I want you as best man.
Will the uptight blond be there?
Anna? Yeah.
I'm happy for you, dude.
I'll take the other chick too.
You won't be seeing her again?
That's where it gets complicated.
Ready?
The Ricci-Djian wedding.
We'll skip the installation
and go to page 3.
Hello, Juliette? It's Mathias.
- Who?
- Superman.
Hey, Super... How are you?
I'm in a meeting,
can I call you back?
Sure, call me back. Really.
- Don't forget, ok?
- I won't.
Beginner's mistake.
He called in under 48 hours.
Besides, tonight I'm seeing William.
My English cutie.
Ok, back to business.
1:45 pm, the crew arrives.
2:00 pm on the dot, makeup.
2:30 pm,
David carries on with hair.
3:00 pm, photo shoot.
The groom will be stressed.
I'm so stressed.
Bring a gold reflector.
The bride's good profile
is her right.
Lucie, you keep the parents
out of my way for a good 2 hours.
Yoo-hoo!
We're having poverty with
the seating plan. I'm all mixed up!
Names are missing!
It can't be true.
Meanwhile,
Clarisse will help the bride relax.
And I'll brief the rest of the crew.
I want you on top of things: smiling,
dynamic and perfectly on tune.
One wrong move and you're fired.
Him again!
4:00 pm,
the bride enters the church.
4:45 pm,
end of the religious ceremony.
You may now kiss the bride.
5:00 pm, my mother starts off
the musical finale.
- What's she doing?
- No idea.
Go on.
Go on!
The music, goddammit.
Sorry, honey. The musical finale...
It's coming!
Hurry up!
- Are you drunk?
- No.
You have a bottle in your purse?
Let me see your purse!
That's enough, let me see.
Stop it!
Watch out!
Look at me! Look at me!
Oh no!
Look at me! Look at me!
Nothing's wrong! You're fine!
Everything's fine.
THE WORST WEDDING EVER
One million views
and our 3rd cancellation.
And the bride's father
refuses to pay up.
Chill.
40,000 up the ass!
I'm done with your mom!
Damn you!
You bring along your retarded kid.
My son is not retarded!
He's 10 and still believes in Santa.
Did Santa die?
Doesn't the kid ever go to school?
- Your appointment is here.
- Which one?
Hi.
Shit, he's in love.
Hello.
Please say nothing.
About what?
Alexia wanted me
to make the surprise bigger.
What surprise?
Surprise!
I bet you didn't expect to see me.
It must be 15 years.
Can you believe it?
Isn't this wild!
Yeah, wild.
He didn't know I knew you
when you discussed the wedding.
What wedding?
Ours, of course!
The one you're organizing.
Fabulous! Have a seat.
Lucie, can you take care of Thomas?
She's all shaken up.
You hide things from me?
People hide things from me too.
And I bet people hide things
from you!
- Everyone hides things.
- Surprise!
And what a surprise!
Juliette and I were best friends
when we were little.
Oh really?
Remember?
Yes.
How could anyone forget that biatch
Alexia Dufour?
Alexia.
She was top of the class,
had the latest Creeks fountain pen
and the prettiest house.
And she had real freckles.
Freckles were the fad.
And she had real braces.
That was the fad too.
That's pretty.
That's how I became
the laughing stock of the A-Girls.
The A-Girls were girls
whose names ended in "A."
Alexia.
Anna.
Johanna.
And that slut Sara.
Juliette stop wriggling around.
How do you say in English:
"I'm fine, thank you."
Give me your parent-teacher notebook.
Silence!
That's not how
a little girl from Neuilly talks.
Good thing she has the stomach flu.
She's so fat.
And that's how, thanks to Alexia,
I was lucky enough
to be baptized "The Fatty."
The boys refused to play kiss-tag
with the Fatty.
The Fatty wasn't invited
to birthday parties.
No one played
on the trampoline with the Fatty.
Everyone said "no" to the Fatty.
And when I say everyone...
I mean everyone.
We looked at your site.
We want the same thing, only better.
- It's impossible.
- We want a château...
We're super full.
- Of what?
- Everything.
Juliette warned me she was busy.
Maybe she can recommend someone?
- Sure.
- No.
You can't do that.
What were the chances
of us running into each other?
I'm super happy to see you.
It's a sign. It's destiny.
Of course it is!
Destiny!
We'll ask your mom.
She has a real knack
for freeing up slots.
All we need is an advance.
Sure. How much? 5 or 10,000?
10,000 is fine.
Excuse us a second.
- Hurry up.
- We'll be right back.
What are you doing?
You want us to look like beggars?
Put on airs if you want,
I'm trying to keep us afloat
after your mother's bullshit. Ok?
We're flat broke.
What if we started by setting a date?
- Sure.
- Isn't this fast?
For the advance,
a wire transfer is easiest.
We want a château in Provence
to be close to Daddy.
Great surprise.
I called. You wouldn't answer.
- So what's the plan?
- What plan?
- The plan!
- Which plan?
I'm not marrying my ex-best-friend
and my latest fuck-buddy!
I'm really sorry.
The other night was a mistake.
It's not me.
I promise, it was you.
Very nice too.
- Really?
- Yes.
Look, I love Alexia.
This is going a bit faster
than I expected.
But like she said, it's a sign.
Destiny. I'm a lobster.
A lobster?
Hurray for destiny.
My job is making people happy.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
Some coffee?
Thank you.
I'm coming.
Planning a wedding
with your babe and your mistress?
You're my hero.
She's not my mistress.
- You know that Alexia knows?
- How's that?
They're all the same.
They won't admit they know.
If she finds out, she'd slit
my throat and drink my blood.
That's exactly what'll happen.
You're not ready
for the "Bullshitter Zone."
And don't let your stress show.
It'll be your downfall.
You're happy!
Smile, you're getting married!
Good luck, pal.
- Goodbye, Ben.
- Bye.
You see Juliette?
- Who?
- Juliette.
No.
Clarisse, get off my case.
Appearances count.
This chick farts
and her hair falls in place.
You spent 3,000 whoppers
on a Carolina Ritz coat!
I'll wear it once, return it
and get refunded. You taught me that.
Juliette!
You look great! I love the coat!
Oh, right. It's been
in the back of my closet for years.
Your collar was crooked.
You ok?
Great!
I'm happy, I'm getting married.
Maybe we should hurry.
Don't worry,
they won't leave without us.
Shit.
So tell me about you.
We've had no time to catch up.
I know nothing!
- You're not on Instagram.
- I don't have time.
You have several odd jobs?
No.
Are you married? A boyfriend?
Nope. No boyfriends for me.
Are you a lesbian?
Why would I be?
I don't know,
you're not bad-looking now.
Guys must come on to you.
You, for example.
As a guy, what do you think?
She's not bad, right?
Yes, yes.
You wouldn't say no!
I can find a woman "not bad,"
I mean pretty, without wanting sex.
See that?
If only all guys could be like him.
You said it.
I'll get some coffee.
- Tea with lemon?
- And hot milk.
But not too hot.
A Coke.
Diet?
No, a plain old Coke.
- The red can?
- Yes.
I'll be back.
It has tons of sugar.
Have a good day.
Ticket, please.
It's over there
with the young ladies.
Superman!
And Wonder Woman!
Please, don't.
I'm in a very complicated situation.
My future wife is with Wonder Woman.
Who's not my wife.
And so... it'd be cool
if I could count on your discretion.
You know, male solidarity.
Ok. Give me a kiss.
Excuse me?
A kiss or I spill the beans.
I want a château for sure.
- You listening to me?
- Yes.
I'd like a crown.
And a cape for Mathias.
A big cape.
You alright?
Just fine.
Great.
Was the bar closed?
Yes.
This château has a lovely terrace
for the wedding reception.
- There's enough room for...
- No way.
This one dates back to 1860...
No way!
It's so pretty here!
Look over there.
I love it!
But it's too big.
The kids will run around screaming.
I don't want a château after all.
It's commonplace.
You can drive.
What about a hot-air balloon?
A submarine?
A 100-year-old tree?
What? A 100-year-old tree?
A creek or a cave
in the Gorges du Verdon?
How about that?
A creek is a great idea, honey.
Remember the Gorges du Verdon?
I seem to remember being there.
I couldn't sit down for 3 days!
- We did a lot of canoeing.
- I see.
It's a real workout.
I was wondering, Mathias.
Do you prefer carriages or canoes?
Canoes. Stronger sensations.
But I want a secluded spot
with no tourists.
Obviously.
No dickheads.
Daddy!
How's the little lady of my life?
- Juliette?
- Hello.
Look how she's grown!
You look just like your mother.
Mathias!
Say there,
did you put on a few pounds?
It's your daughter's fault,
she's a gourmet cook. And the wine!
But I'll still beat you at tennis.
We couldn't finish our last match,
I had to stop.
- Because of the heat.
- That's right.
Once you hit a certain age...
you should be careful.
How old are you? 65 or 70?
62.
It's the gray.
I might have gray hair,
but I'm not losing it.
Alexia tells me everything.
I'm not losing my hair,
it's always been like this.
Gérard, it's the way my hair grows.
Daddy, if you knew
how he asked for my hand.
Right Mathias?
How about a drink to celebrate?
"My Prince will come,
but Daddy will always be my King."
That's stupid.
Princes and daddies don't exist.
All top-notch wines handed down
from my grandfather.
And I mean top-notch! Petrus 1929.
Cheval Blanc 1966.
Angelus 1958.
Must be worth a fortune.
Yes.
But I don't like to say how much,
it sounds pretentious.
That's wise.
600,000 euros.
I see!
And when will you drink them?
Not right away.
I've been waiting for years.
Dinner's ready. Can you help?
Sure.
Thank you.
That top is from H&M.
I don't know, I remove labels.
H&M is on my blog.
I love it, but only one piece
at a time. Otherwise it looks cheap.
How cool, a blog.
Is that a profession?
Of course.
How many clients do you have a year?
I don't count.
I have over 32,000 followers.
Can you imagine the stress?
Mathias knows, don't you?
One fashion faux-pas
and every press agent drops you.
It's a high-risk profession.
Totally. Imagine if I lost my phone.
- It's all over!
- You see?
Mathias, are you in fashion too?
No, I fool around
with old pieces of furniture.
Fool around!
He's an extraordinary craftsman.
Everyone in the world wants his work.
You're exaggerating.
You should come over.
Shouldn't she?
- We'll see.
- He made everything.
Oh, it's Ben.
What's up?
"Have you fucked again?"
Who's he talking about?
You, I mean us. Of course.
I told him sex was rare recently.
I gave you a blowjob last night.
Gérard, some wine to wash it down?
Sorry.
I'm done, you can come in.
Dental hygiene is important.
You a dentist too?
I wanted to say...
I know the situation...
isn't easy for you.
- But I wanted to apologize.
- Don't worry, it's cool.
Good night.
Oh shit. Juliette!
The handle!
- Juliette!
- Good night.
Open the door, dammit.
I need the handle!
Juliette, I said I'm sorry.
- "The Big Day."
- It's Juliette, is Clarisse there?
- We said white!
- No gray!
- Call me once you've agreed?
- We agree!
Gray-white. It's not as gay.
We wouldn't want people to know
you're gay at our wedding.
We want suits for our babies too.
Custom-made
to fit their personalities.
Stop it with that ball!
We'd like to marry them too.
- They're straight.
- Oh yeah?
You'll cut us a deal, right?
I'll think it over.
- Have a good day!
- Thank you.
Goodbye.
It's Juliette.
The two fags are penny-pinchers.
We need dough.
So I want you to sell your pals
the whole shebang!
The ice cream stand,
ponies for the kids, mariachis...
Ok, but I need directions
to the marvelous creek.
I can't find it.
You have an iPhone? You have a GPS?
Deal with it.
This way.
It's this way.
It's this way.
This way.
No, it's this way.
Say, Juliette,
would we happen to be lost?
Maybe.
There's no network here.
- Mathias, a snake!
- Oh shit.
- Do something!
- Ok, hang on.
Hurry up.
Shit, it's hot.
Thanks.
Here. Take this and this...
Shit!
You alright?
Great.
Here we are!
Falconers' Creek.
I knew it was here.
It's stunning.
This is the spot, there's no doubt.
It's gorgeous.
Signed and sealed!
The water is fantastic.
You like it?
Yes. But there's a problem.
What?
How am I supposed to get here
in a wedding gown?
I was going to get there.
The guests could arrive
from over here in decorated boats.
And you'll come from here,
in another boat.
Like everyone else?
No, not like everyone else.
We'll find something more spectacular.
On jet skis?
Water skis?
No.
On horseback!
No way.
A canoe with mariachis?
Paragliders!
But of course! That's a great idea.
We love flying.
We could take off from two cliffs
and meet here. Amazing!
In a wedding gown?
Sure.
And you have licenses?
Of course we do.
You've never flown?
I've jumped plenty of times.
There we go.
We'll need to check
the wind direction.
- Maybe do a trial run?
- Absolutely.
No problem, I'll book it.
We're moving along.
The creek, paragliders, it's fab!
Next stop!
Oh shit, a snake! A snake!
Juliette!
It's a branch.
Silly me, I thought it was a snake.
I'm so sorry.
Maybe it's still ok.
Thousands of followers are orphans.
I'll delete your contacts.
And you have 128 Go!
I can post even more photos.
Thanks, Juliette.
You're welcome.
Hey, Gabriel. It's Juliette.
How are you?
We'll be a bit early. Do you mind?
No, tonight I can't.
I'm with clients.
See you right away.
- This wine is fantastic, Gabriel.
- It's one of our best.
Cheers.
Pumpkin!
We love this wine!
Not bad.
I don't usually hit on dogs.
I'm talking about the wine.
Yeah, it's not bad.
It'll be perfect for the lunch.
It needs to be decanted.
You know about wine too.
You're the guy who knows everything.
Yes, everything.
Except how to make your hair
grow back.
That was low.
I'm not losing it.
I've always had a receding hairline.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a taboo subject. Taboo.
Ok, I'll shut up. No problem.
It's preferable.
So, about the wedding.
The meal, the wine...
What else? I didn't see
your parents on the list.
They won't be there.
No one from your family?
No.
Alexia's family is my family.
That's great.
Her dad's the best.
Yes.
She's lucky.
Where's your dad?
That's a good question.
Cheers.
Your account
is already in use.
Mom, it's me.
What are you doing
on my Facebook page?
Looking for a man.
With my photo?
Of course. It's easier.
Mom, stop it right now.
Hang on, I just received
a sweet little message.
I'm going to answer.
What's a disco stick?
What? Stop it right now!
Go on, dude, go!
Did you invite friends over?
Not at all.
No, I'm at a friend's place.
See you, bye!
Gabriel, it's Juliette.
I'm coming.
Darling...
Would you play tennis with Daddy?
Pretty please!
Ok, fine.
Thank you.
And could you let him win?
I don't believe it.
Just a few games.
- Just a few little games!
- No way.
- Pretty please, do it for me.
- I won't be bribed.
For your little wife.
- Come on.
- You're a pain.
- I know.
- The All-Time Pain.
- Will you?
- Yes.
Thank you, darling.
- Don't you think he's sexy?
- Uh-huh.
Paragliding is booked at 2 pm.
We lucked out,
they had an available slot.
Go, Daddy!
Warm up.
It's only normal.
Right, Mathias?
Warm up, straight in the net!
- Let's cheer for Daddy.
- No, you go.
I'm working.
Go, Daddy!
Watch out,
this will be a fast one.
Give me a "D"! Give me an "A"!
Give me two "Ds"!
Give me a "Y"! Daddy!
Oh man, I'm K.O.
It doesn't show too much.
What doesn't show?
Here, look.
Are you fucking kidding me!
My two front teeth are broken
and it doesn't show?
I look like I got turkey slapped
by Iron Man!
We'll go back to Paris.
I'll go back. You stay here.
You can't go all alone.
I'll come with you.
Daddy, I'm not 4 years old.
I'll go to Paris and you and Juliette
test the paragliders.
Don't be silly.
What? Are you afraid?
I thought you'd done it before.
Yes, but...
Then there you go. It's settled.
- It's beautiful.
- Yeah.
Very beautiful.
And uh...
What's the altitude?
Around 3,000 feet.
Holy shit.
Not getting ready?
- You've never flown.
- Yes, I have.
Good.
The big accidents are with people
who've never flown.
The ones who pretend they have.
Upshot of the story? They faint
in midair and crash into the cliff.
Oh yeah?
It's a clean death. No pain.
They crash without feeling a thing.
That's cool.
As you know, the key is aerology.
- Aerobiology, I know.
- No, Aerology.
That's what I said.
If you know the troposphere
and stratosphere,
everything's cool.
- But that's not news to you.
- No.
You know, I was thinking.
I actually really like it up here.
So actually, I'm not going to jump.
The correct term is "fly."
I'm not going to fly.
I'll just enjoy the fabulous view.
Uh-huh.
- It's great.
- Even better from above.
I'll think about my life.
Introspection time?
Good idea.
- I'll sit here quietly.
- No, no.
- Can you get up, please?
- Sure.
I like it here! I swear I do!
I love it here!
I want to go back!
I want to go back to the cliff!
Mathias!
I can't hear you.
Take me back!
I want to go home!
Take me back!
Open your eyes!
Look at that.
- You feel better now?
- Of course.
I'm used to it.
You don't say?
Let's have some fun!
Stop it! You're crazy!
Oh my God!
Wasn't that fun?
You bastard!
You tried to kill me!
Get this goddamn thing off me.
Give me one second.
Shit.
- I'm leaving!
- You can't, you're tied up.
Leave me alone.
You're free.
Juliette.
Go to hell!
Well, I say.
What?
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
What's wrong?
How far would you go
to impress Alexia?
A new coat, a few white lies...
But jumping off a cliff? Hats off.
You have a call.
And so do I.
Hello there, sir.
How are you, sweetie?
I have the price
of a new car in my mouth.
And you, the big leap?
It was great.
No, I can't.
Because I'm working.
Are you sure? Come on!
No really, I can't.
Juliette's not driving you mad?
No, I'll survive. You know me.
Where are you? I hear noise.
- We went out for a drink.
- Oh, yeah?
That's great.
Can I call you back later?
Ok, see you soon.
I love you too.
It was Alexia.
It was Gabriel.
- You ok?
- Yes, of course.
You look a bit cold.
A little bit, yes.
Thanks.
Cheers.
To your first flight.
I've jumped before.
With your little footsies.
- Come on...
- Shhh.
Don't "shhh" me.
Let's steal a bottle.
- Of wine? No way.
- Come on.
- Why not?
- He counts them.
- I swear.
- Who cares?
Besides, the mojitos did me in.
- Want some water?
- I'm going to bed.
Good night.
Oh shit!
Damn.
- You're all wet!
- So are you.
Hush, he'll hear us.
No, it's ok.
Is someone there?
Shit!
Come here!
It won't shut!
- No!
- It's cool.
- What did you do?
- I don't know.
What did you do!
Thanks for coming so quickly, boys.
It's crazy,
robbing little old men.
You two didn't hear anything?
You sure sleep soundly.
You still have pillow marks.
Look, in my misfortune I was lucky.
The best bottle is unharmed.
- Wonderful.
- Cool.
What about you?
Anything planned for today?
We're going home.
We changed our tickets
to leave earlier.
And so we're leaving earlier.
Moreover, it's time to get going.
See you!
See you.
- We can talk.
- It can't happen again.
You're not that irresistible.
Very funny.
I've screwed up ever since I met you.
- It has to stop.
- I never asked to see you.
You didn't give me your card?
I didn't know
you were cheating on your chick!
Or that you'd propose like a coward
to avoid getting caught?
Or that you'd come to my office
to organize your wedding!
- Juliette!
- Go to hell!
You have my suitcase.
Thanks.
Carolina Ritz,
Rue Saint-Martin, please.
That's good.
- Hello, Mom?
- Yes, sweetie.
Where are you?
On my way to the shrink's.
Do you want me to come get you
or can you get home alone?
You're a darling, but don't bother.
I'll take the metro.
- Are you sure?
- Of course, sweetie.
You're so good to me.
It's only normal.
See you at home?
I didn't hear what you said?
I'll see you at home.
Can you hear me?
I hear you. Hang on a sec.
Stop here. I'll be right back.
I'm curious, what exactly
do you talk about with the shrink?
With my shrink? Oh, everything.
For example?
Sweetie, it's confidential.
I just got there
so I have to hang up.
Love you.
My daughter is worse than
the Gestapo! She's always on my ass.
More than you think.
- Juliette!
- Mom.
Gentlemen.
I see.
You lied. You're not in a taxi.
Bravo.
You disappoint me.
Lying to your mother
is not very nice.
- We'll leave you two alone.
- It's better.
Yes, I think so.
I bust my ass paying for a shrink
and you play hooky?
It's useless.
It's to recover
your driver's license and job!
- I'm done driving a taxi.
- And why is that?
Because if you drive a taxi,
you can't drink.
So you drink and I get to support you
for the rest of my life?
I'll die before you.
- You're going right now.
- Stop telling me what to do!
Damn you.
Stay with your friend.
Your best friend.
And be grateful.
Because Dad left all three of us.
You, me,
and your fucking bottle.
I took advantage
to set them straight.
It looks nice.
Kind of like Juliette.
- No?
- Uh-huh.
And these are only temporary.
Mine were kind of crooked.
Like a rodent.
Don't you think?
Uh-huh.
You don't give a shit.
That's not true.
You're right, it's much better.
I'm a superficial airhead,
is that it?
Not with those teeth.
I missed you.
Are you ok?
Of course.
I'm lying to Alexia.
I'm treating Juliette like shit.
- Will you see her again?
- No.
- So you're canceling the wedding?
- No.
- Then you'll see her again.
- Are you dumb?
I'll change wedding planners.
You're crazy!
Alexia will catch on for sure.
For starters,
you tone down the good looks.
It'll stop the other babe
from jumping on you.
After that,
prepare to stand by Alexia.
How's she going to feel
after 2 or 3 pregnancies?
Life will be
a struggle against fat!
Her inevitable physical decline
will demand support.
You're totally nuts.
We're not there yet.
You're exactly there, dude.
The next step,
if you don't get caught before...
is the "Baby Zone."
Should one of her girlfriends
get pregnant, you're really done for.
I don't know, it's too...
See what I mean?
No?
- Of course.
- It's too much.
And I'm sorry, it's not white.
It's plaster colored.
Wedding gowns are so commonplace.
- No?
- Yes.
But you'll regret not having one.
I promise you.
Add something original.
A fun accessory.
And you ask the guests
to do the same.
A kind of dress code.
Did anything happen
with you and Mathias?
Like what?
I don't know. He's acting so funny.
- Something's off.
- No, no.
He loves and adores you.
He talks about you all the time.
Really?
Yes.
Because as a wedding planner,
you should know.
Guys are wimps. They freak out.
So before getting married,
they sleep with any old slut.
You see?
But Mathias isn't like that.
No. Mathias isn't like that.
I'm glad we met again.
Me too.
We should go out one night.
A girl's night out. A sushi party.
Sure.
But if there is a slut...
they'll pay for it dearly.
You're with me, right?
Of course.
I want to change dresses.
- Now.
- Right away.
Where's the salesgirl?
You're very beautiful.
Thank you.
It was a wonderful day. Thank you.
Alexia.
We said no orange.
It's not orange,
it's reduced carrot juice.
Not orange-the-fruit.
Orange-the-color. Too 70's.
It's no good.
Yoo-hoo!
Yoo-hoo.
There's a slut.
It's fantastic here!
Delicious.
But it could use
a little carrot-flavored something.
Except we said no orange.
I said carrot, not orange.
I recall you saying "no orange."
"We" said.
You agreed at the time.
Most likely.
Johanna confirmed for tomorrow.
The girls are bringing
their photos for the slideshow.
Were you able to get some of yours?
Ben must have souvenirs.
All those orgies, all those girls.
Not nostalgic?
You're acting weird.
I'm weird?
- You're the one who's weird.
- Why?
That's for you to tell me.
Isn't he acting weird, Juliette?
Maybe.
Should I pick you up tomorrow?
No, thanks. She's pregnant
so I'll go over early to help her.
Pregnant with a baby?
No, a coupé convertible.
That's enough. What's her name?
- Who?
- The goddammed slut.
You're out of your mind.
Even Juliette agrees with me.
Juliette agrees?
It's true, you're acting weird.
- You don't wonder why?
- No.
No. Yes, yes!
I do know.
It's the...
the stress!
That's it.
Wedding stress is making him weird.
Right.
Are you standing up for him?
No.
Maybe it's you?
What were you doing
while I suffered at the dentist's?
Time for dessert!
- Calm down, what's wrong?
- I'm perfectly calm.
You're getting paranoid.
Paranoid my ass.
How long has it been going on?
What are you talking about?
Nothing's going on.
I'm coming.
I have to go.
My mother pulled one of her tricks.
Alexia, if anything had happened...
we wouldn't be here
discussing carrots and oranges.
Thank you.
Your mother was caught
in possession of cannabis.
She declared that her daughter,
Juliette Orlinski, that is you,
procured it for her. Is this correct?
Yes, of course.
I also supply her with her crack pipe,
her coke and her box wine.
Yes, she was drunk
when we brought her in.
I think she still is.
My daughter's gonna
take me far away from your ugly face.
I can't cope.
What are we looking at?
A killer headache and a nice big fine.
She said you'd pay.
Oh yeah? Well, keep her here
for as long as possible.
My Juliette and me are gonna split.
Juliette.
Did she leave?
Yeah, she left.
Hey, dude.
What's wrong? You get caught?
Almost. Alexia and I fought.
Oh shit.
- Her girlfriend is pregnant.
- Oh shit!
She wants a 2-bedroom
apartment now.
Oh shit.
- Cool hair-do.
- It's my weekend.
Lola, come say hello
to Uncle Mat.
Hello, Uncle Mat.
Hello, Lola.
We need to talk so what'll you do?
- Wash the dishes and straighten up.
- That's my girl.
Go on. You see my new TV?
Just like seeing the game live.
I've thought it over.
You can still make it right.
You're smack in the "Player Zone."
"Player Zone"?
Where do you get this crap?
It's not crap.
In a nutshell, look.
15 years old. 30 years old.
Girls. From age 15 to 30,
their sensual power only increases.
They have tight asses
and firm breasts.
After 30, their decline starts.
It's cellulite vs. young hotties.
The red marker is us dudes.
We're the opposite.
We start low:
puberty, zits, no dough.
We get burned
by guys 30 and over with careers.
But when we hit 30,
we enter the "Player Zone."
And it lasts 20 years, dude.
Chicks like Alexia, they know this.
So they want to trap us
in the "Marriage Zone" where...
Knock it off.
Can't you see I'm down?
It's because you're assfucked.
You're assfucked.
You're assfucked.
What do you mean?
You're asphyxiated by Alexia.
Ah, I get it. Assfuck. Asphyxiate.
What did you do?
My plasma screen!
I love you, Daddy.
Sorry.
Wait for me!
Wait for me!
Hot damn.
The A-Girls sure have aged.
Juliette!
You've changed so much!
You're beautiful now.
Take a selfie.
No, thanks.
You're living
in your parents' home?
It was simpler.
- Want a drink?
- Yes, please.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
I don't know what came over me.
I guess the wedding stresses me too.
Besides, you're not Mathias' type.
- Is she?
- No way.
Don't take it badly.
You'll see,
we found tons of pictures.
You're the most beautiful baby
in the whole world.
You're in top form!
Not really. The nanny was late,
I had to babysit.
Just awful. Thank God she slept.
Can you imagine moms
without nannies?
Or husbands?
I don't know how they do it.
What a nightmare!
How do single moms do it?
Sweetheart!
Go put on the pretty dress we bought.
It's almost 4 o'clock.
- Your girlfriends will be here soon.
- No, they're not coming.
I didn't give them the invitations.
Why not?
I don't want them
to see that we're poor.
I think you can go now.
Alexia, please bring some ice cubes.
We need help
for the bachelorette party.
We have zero ideas.
I'll find something.
I'll go through the photos.
You're not staying for lunch?
I have a package to pick up.
Thank you for your welcome.
See you soon.
- You ok?
- I'm fine. And you?
I'm good.
I've told you not
to ask friends over.
This isn't the Salvation Army.
I'm Marie.
Juliette's big sister.
My pleasure.
Hi, how are you?
I brought you the photos.
Great. I'll be able
to finish the slide show.
Great.
You have time for coffee?
Or a non-Diet Coke?
Sure.
But we have coffee here.
And non-Diet Coke.
That's ok.
I'll go put on my shoes.
Good idea.
Are you sure? It's a pity.
Have a good day.
- Goodbye.
- Mom, that's enough.
Be seeing you.
I'll wait here.
See you soon!
- Look how cute.
- Nice part in the hair.
You almost look like a sweet guy.
The smile is forced.
Is that Ben?
Was that the school play?
Check out that look!
Not that one.
It's fabulous.
Pretty please!
And it's gone!
I bet there are others.
You want it?
- Want me to sign it for you?
- Yes.
It's you? It's not your sister
or your female cousin?
- It's you?
- Yes, I confess.
That's you and Alexia.
You and Alexia.
You and Alex...
That was my choirboy period.
This is my place.
- I know.
- I know you know.
Goodnight.
I'm sorry, this is bullshit.
Sorry, good evening.
Sorry.
I can't stop thinking about you.
It's unbearable.
I try to get you off my mind,
but I can't even delete your SMS.
And what did it say?
It's absurd.
You sent me the address
for my fitting.
When the phone rings,
I hope it's you.
Every brunette I see, it's you.
Wait a minute.
So it's not bullshit.
What's going on between us
is not bullshit.
It's just bad timing.
How about a derby for him?
- Wouldn't you love a derby, sweets?
- Yes, you'd like that.
Juliette, what's this?
You're not doing
Mathias and Alexia's wedding?
Are you crazy? It's tomorrow.
It's too hard for me.
We need this wedding!
I won't lose money again
because of you.
We have employees.
And I have a kid to feed.
You have a meeting
for the menus with Lucie.
I'll take care of the suits.
So we are doing this wedding.
You do it alone.
Lucie or my mother will help you.
But I can't.
What's she doing here?
We said no more of her.
Or my son!
I play by the rules.
My son is waiting downstairs
like a good boy.
I'm coming, sweetie!
I think this agency is reliable.
And you should too.
We're leaving.
She's not hurting anyone.
These dogs are a pain.
- I really like the derby.
- I love it.
I'll drop her off.
Mom, we're leaving.
We're going to the shrink's
right now.
- Juliette, we're waiting for you.
- How are you?
Is there a problem?
In fact, uh...
I can't come to your bachelorette
party or finalize the wedding.
But Clarisse will take over.
But why?
Why?
It's complicated.
It's because
I can't leave my mother alone.
That's why?
She's more than welcome.
No, she can't.
Yes, I can.
- No.
- Yes, I can.
Hurry, we'll be late.
She'll go with Clarisse.
Can't I?
Juliette!
ALEXIA'S BACHELORETTE PARTY
Destination: Southern France!
For your wedding!
Go, Juliette!
You'll have to choose
between the two.
I'll take both.
This-this-this...
This one's on me.
I'm not asking you.
Not asking you...
Not asking you...
Did you do coke?
Are you crazy? You know I hate coke.
But I love the smell.
Want some?
He doesn't fit.
Shit, I can't get him in!
He doesn't fit.
This is it.
The Big Day.
Yep.
Thanks, Juliette.
- Thanks for everything.
- Don't thank me.
Why not?
You went all out
to organize a fabulous party for me.
It wasn't even in the contract.
It's my job, I promise you.
And you know...
as kids, we might've thought
you were odd...
but you're the only one
who's made it on her own.
Without clinging onto a father
or a husband.
You're not simply
someone's daughter or wife.
You're you. And you're free.
We'd give anything to be you.
No way!
- Is that breakfast?
- Yep.
I'm coming.
- Hello!
- Good morning, ladies.
- This looks good!
- It is good.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Gérard!
Hello, Gérard.
You alright?
Just fine.
Your hair is different.
I had it cut. Is it too short?
Not at all.
The color looks great.
Here you are, miss.
Thank you.
Are you ok?
It's the stress.
Mom, stop that stupid game noise.
Chill. You're busting my balls.
I'll play this.
I want to see Alexia!
No, not right now.
- Really.
- I'll take care of it.
Mathias, I said you can't go in.
- Let me in.
- What's going on?
I'm not getting married.
P.M.S.S.
What?
Pre-Marital Stress Syndrome.
It's normal.
I'm not stressed, I need to see Alexia.
We're calling it off.
You don't dump the bride
on the Big Day.
I think about you all the time.
We've done this scene.
I might be a lobster,
but I've found my unicorn.
You've gone off the deep end.
Alexia is a great girl.
You can't do this. I can't.
And you love her.
That's why I owe her the truth.
It's too late.
It's bad timing, you said it.
We're about to change the timing.
Shit.
Where is she?
Where is she!
She didn't want you to see her dress.
You see, it's too late.
I'm calling her.
This can't be true!
I'll find a way. I'll see you there.
Shit! Goddamned new shoes!
He's uptight.
A little.
You know what?
This wedding screws up, I'm done.
I'll do like you,
find a fuck buddy and enjoy life.
How you are ok?
You got screaming faces.
Not too top-hop.
There's a problem.
Look!
So keep your mouth shut and smile.
Alexia!
I need to talk to you.
We need to talk.
- We need to talk.
- Later.
Very well.
We shall now pronounce
the wedding vows.
Alexia Mélanie Fleur Dufour,
do you take Mathias Laurent
to be your husband,
to love and to cherish,
till death do you part?
No.
I'm sorry, but I can't get married.
Not for the wrong reasons.
Because I'm the right age,
or to be like
all those girls who pretend
they're fulfilled when they're not.
It's not me.
It's no longer me. I won't be happy.
I need to find happiness on my own.
I need to find myself.
I need time,
to take an inner journey.
Do you understand?
My head is a mess.
It's... I'm in panic mode.
I need to become a woman,
before becoming someone's wife.
And I need to walk this path alone.
There.
Pumpkin?
Knock-knock?
He's in shock.
No, just surprised.
Why didn't you tell me before?
Because I wasn't sure.
And I didn't want to hurt you.
- Hurt me?
- Yes.
You know
what I've been through?
I can't sleep.
I'm losing my hair, look!
Yeah, yeah.
You agree, I'm losing my hair?
Because I didn't want to hurt you
like a bastard!
I'm lost. You were about to say
"I do but I don't"?
Don't you get it?
No, explain.
I'm just an airhead!
I was going to say "no"!
I tried to talk to you,
but you were
too focused on you to listen!
Could we...
Shut up!
You asked for my hand!
Why did you go see Juliette?
No.
No.
Yep, he's fucking Juliette.
I'm not fucking her. I love her.
And he got caught!
Children, please...
Children...
I don't know how to swim!
You're the slut?
Good luck, Juliette.
Come on, let's go!
Where's my girl?
Where's my baby girl?
Hello.
She'll pay for this!
It's the "Chaos Zone."
Say there,
what are you doing tonight?
Christ, what waste.
- Everything was so pretty.
- Why are you sad?
You're a cutie-pie.
It's not a waste, look.
Oh shit.
It didn't go so bad after all.
No.
Did you mean
what you said down there?
Help!
Grab on here.
Here!
Shit, not my hair!
Come on, help me!
Shit!
Fuck!
My hair!
You feel a draft?
Yes, it's the wind.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
Come here.
- What are you looking at?
- You!
You're so handsome.
Like this.
I'm Marie. Juliette's big sister.
Cut, please.
Cut.
They killed my babies.
Now isn't that funny.
We want suits for our babies too.
Custom-made
to fit their personalities.
Nothing faggy-looking.
They're straight.
Black leather and studs.
You may now kiss the bride.
They'll pay for it dearly.
- Sushi, good idea.
- You see?
I don't have much free time but...
You'll free up a slot for me.
She's gonna take me
far away from your ugly face.
Subtitles: Julie Meyer
Subtitling: Eclair Media
These guys are all shacked up.
The party sucks.
No. It's perfect.
What's that?
Proximity marketing.
It's spot-on our clientele
and we paid to get in.
"You Only Have One Most
Beautiful Day"? Who did this?
- Me. I think it looks pro.
- If you say.
The printer's a crook!
We don't need...
I always said, beware of midgets!
The shorter the babe,
the more demonic.
She's closer to hell.
Load of crap!
Do you tell your shrink that?
It's not crap!
And the prettier they are,
the crazier. It's scientific.
Look here. The vertical line
is the Insanity Axis.
All babes are nuts.
It goes from 5 to 10.
The horizontal line
is the Beauty Axis. Zero to 10.
But we don't hit on dogs,
so we start at 5.
And this is the Madness Index.
You want a Beauty Rating of 5 to 8,
to reach a Madness Index of 7.
They're pretty and crazy,
but within reason.
That's the "Hit Zone."
A Beauty Index above 8?
They're very beautiful
but very crazy.
Actresses, strippers,
girls with daddy hang-ups...
It's the "Danger Zone"!
- And pretty and not crazy?
- Unicorns.
- How's that?
- They don't exist.
You see,
that's a 4 who thinks she's a 9.
Come on!
No, I'm good.
I'll be back.
Oh, I see.
See you later, pal.
Looking for this?
Yes. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Looks like
we're from the same family.
Superman. Wonder Woman.
Actually, no.
Superman's cousin is Supergirl.
Wonder Woman is an Amazon.
No direct relation.
Cool. Glad to hear it.
It could've been awkward.
- This one's on me.
- No, I have to go.
I'm not asking you.
- Just one.
- Ok, one.
Maybe two.
Thinking of marriage?
Our agency takes care of everything.
- Let me try it on.
- Come here.
You're so pretty!
Hey there, you like me?
Thinking of marriage?
"The Big Day" organizes everything.
That's better!
I'm not going to eat you.
I'm leaving.
Cool.
Come here, I have a secret for you.
We said one shot. One.
Relax.
- No, this is no good.
- It's no good?
- Yes, it's very good but...
- But what?
- There's a frog watching us.
- Where?
Over here!
It was super... man.
Right, the costume.
It was wonder-ful...
woman.
You know, the costume.
Wonder Woman.
I know, lousy joke.
No, it was lousy.
See you maybe?
Sure, maybe.
You don't want my number?
Yeah sure, you have a number?
Of course you do.
I'll give it to you.
But only because you insist.
I even have a card.
My pleasure, Juliette.
Pleased to meet you...
Mathias.
My name is Mathias.
Pleased to meet you, Mathias.
Thank you.
France Info, it's 8:45 am...
I'm fed up!
I'm not your cleaning lady!
Mom! Answer me when I talk to you!
Shit!
Mom?
- Mom!
- Yes, sweetie?
What're you doing?
I was thinking.
Did you drink again?
Not at all.
I can't leave you alone one evening!
Next weekend,
you'll work with me!
- What'll I do?
- Anything!
Hurry,
you have a 10 am appointment.
I'm ready.
First you wash up.
I told you not to bring friends home.
He's not a friend. He's a neighbor.
- He lives in the building?
- Outside the building.
No.
You brought home a bum?
The poor man.
He's a sweetheart.
So I told him: "Come spend the night
at my daughter's place.
- There's lots of room."
- Oh yeah?
And he came. There you go.
You said that to him?
You get rid of him,
you wash up,
and get to the shrink's on time.
You can stay, pet, she's gone.
THE BIG DAY
- Hi, Lucie.
- Morning good, Juliette.
Some coffee to start you up?
- Why?
- To boost you. Give you some pops!
I'm fine, thanks.
Her accent kills me.
This can't go on.
The Durand-Martinez wedding...
- We got a honeymoon postcard.
- Damn well should!
Vintage champagne upgrade:
free of charge.
Ice cream cart: free.
I swear, you're so tight.
- No, I'm not.
- You kidding?
You turned down
a 2nd pair of glasses for 1 euro.
Our job is to find clients who pay,
not make friends!
You should get laid.
- What's that got...
- I'm serious.
When was the last time?
You're young, you're hot,
but you want love.
What you really need
is a nice hard cock...
Juliette, my son!
- What's he doing here?
- Teachers' strike.
- How nice.
- Yeah.
We get to babysit.
Keep playing, sweetie.
Oh, honey.
Did you get in late?
Yeah, kind of.
I bet you had an awful time with Ben.
I knew it!
He insisted that you stay again.
You wanted to go,
but you were stuck.
That's it.
You're too nice.
I had a great evening.
We laughed so hard with the girls.
And boy did we drink!
Indecent.
I'm all puffy this morning.
No.
- You look fine.
- This side.
- How are the girls?
- Great.
Except poor Sarah.
She has tendinitis.
At least three months
without Swedish gym classes!
That's tough.
Franck is taking her to Florence for
a romantic weekend as consolation.
Isn't that sweet?
Yeah, it's sweet.
- You want to go to Florence too?
- I didn't say that.
It's just that we don't do much
together anymore.
We just went
to the Maldives and New York.
I don't mean that. I'm talking
about projects as a couple.
You went "pfff."
I didn't go "pfff."
You just went "pfff."
You looked away and went "pfff."
It's like telling me
I'm a pain in the ass.
Want me to take this
to the cleaner's?
Sure, thanks.
Who's Juliette?
Who?
"Ju" what?
- How do you know her?
- I don't know.
- Her card's in your pocket.
- I don't know her.
You have her card
and you don't know her?
Maybe it got there accidentally.
Accidentally? You don't say?
Accidentally? Meaning?
Be more precise.
- Like this, all by itself?
- Yes.
- Mathias, be serious.
- Did I write anything on it?
Nothing at all.
Unless it's on a very illegible spot.
Like the tiny edges.
But no.
- So how do you know her?
- Maybe it's a girl...
She's a wedding planner.
And?
She plans weddings.
Oh my God.
A wedding planner?
We're getting married?
That's why you didn't want me
to see the card?
And I ruined your surprise!
Darling, yes, I do!
I do!
We're getting married!
How wonderful.
- I have to call Daddy right now.
- You sure?
No, wait...
Oh shit.
You never cheated on her before.
You're freaking out.
You're in the "Guilty Zone."
A normal guy gets a bouquet
of flowers, or a bottle of perfume.
Maybe a purse! He doesn't propose.
What'll you do next time?
Sign a 25-year home loan?
Have a baby?
There won't be a next time.
It won't happen again. I love her.
You really are a lobster.
A lobster?
Yes.
Scientifically, lobsters
are the most faithful crustaceans.
- Total fucking bores.
- Thanks.
We had to move on.
I know her family. Her dad's great.
It's been 5 years.
So you jump from the jail yard
into the dungeon.
Smart move.
It's about
the Wimbledon Hotel design.
I said I wasn't free.
- They made a better offer.
- No.
As you like.
Ben...
I want you as best man.
Will the uptight blond be there?
Anna? Yeah.
I'm happy for you, dude.
I'll take the other chick too.
You won't be seeing her again?
That's where it gets complicated.
Ready?
The Ricci-Djian wedding.
We'll skip the installation
and go to page 3.
Hello, Juliette? It's Mathias.
- Who?
- Superman.
Hey, Super... How are you?
I'm in a meeting,
can I call you back?
Sure, call me back. Really.
- Don't forget, ok?
- I won't.
Beginner's mistake.
He called in under 48 hours.
Besides, tonight I'm seeing William.
My English cutie.
Ok, back to business.
1:45 pm, the crew arrives.
2:00 pm on the dot, makeup.
2:30 pm,
David carries on with hair.
3:00 pm, photo shoot.
The groom will be stressed.
I'm so stressed.
Bring a gold reflector.
The bride's good profile
is her right.
Lucie, you keep the parents
out of my way for a good 2 hours.
Yoo-hoo!
We're having poverty with
the seating plan. I'm all mixed up!
Names are missing!
It can't be true.
Meanwhile,
Clarisse will help the bride relax.
And I'll brief the rest of the crew.
I want you on top of things: smiling,
dynamic and perfectly on tune.
One wrong move and you're fired.
Him again!
4:00 pm,
the bride enters the church.
4:45 pm,
end of the religious ceremony.
You may now kiss the bride.
5:00 pm, my mother starts off
the musical finale.
- What's she doing?
- No idea.
Go on.
Go on!
The music, goddammit.
Sorry, honey. The musical finale...
It's coming!
Hurry up!
- Are you drunk?
- No.
You have a bottle in your purse?
Let me see your purse!
That's enough, let me see.
Stop it!
Watch out!
Look at me! Look at me!
Oh no!
Look at me! Look at me!
Nothing's wrong! You're fine!
Everything's fine.
THE WORST WEDDING EVER
One million views
and our 3rd cancellation.
And the bride's father
refuses to pay up.
Chill.
40,000 up the ass!
I'm done with your mom!
Damn you!
You bring along your retarded kid.
My son is not retarded!
He's 10 and still believes in Santa.
Did Santa die?
Doesn't the kid ever go to school?
- Your appointment is here.
- Which one?
Hi.
Shit, he's in love.
Hello.
Please say nothing.
About what?
Alexia wanted me
to make the surprise bigger.
What surprise?
Surprise!
I bet you didn't expect to see me.
It must be 15 years.
Can you believe it?
Isn't this wild!
Yeah, wild.
He didn't know I knew you
when you discussed the wedding.
What wedding?
Ours, of course!
The one you're organizing.
Fabulous! Have a seat.
Lucie, can you take care of Thomas?
She's all shaken up.
You hide things from me?
People hide things from me too.
And I bet people hide things
from you!
- Everyone hides things.
- Surprise!
And what a surprise!
Juliette and I were best friends
when we were little.
Oh really?
Remember?
Yes.
How could anyone forget that biatch
Alexia Dufour?
Alexia.
She was top of the class,
had the latest Creeks fountain pen
and the prettiest house.
And she had real freckles.
Freckles were the fad.
And she had real braces.
That was the fad too.
That's pretty.
That's how I became
the laughing stock of the A-Girls.
The A-Girls were girls
whose names ended in "A."
Alexia.
Anna.
Johanna.
And that slut Sara.
Juliette stop wriggling around.
How do you say in English:
"I'm fine, thank you."
Give me your parent-teacher notebook.
Silence!
That's not how
a little girl from Neuilly talks.
Good thing she has the stomach flu.
She's so fat.
And that's how, thanks to Alexia,
I was lucky enough
to be baptized "The Fatty."
The boys refused to play kiss-tag
with the Fatty.
The Fatty wasn't invited
to birthday parties.
No one played
on the trampoline with the Fatty.
Everyone said "no" to the Fatty.
And when I say everyone...
I mean everyone.
We looked at your site.
We want the same thing, only better.
- It's impossible.
- We want a château...
We're super full.
- Of what?
- Everything.
Juliette warned me she was busy.
Maybe she can recommend someone?
- Sure.
- No.
You can't do that.
What were the chances
of us running into each other?
I'm super happy to see you.
It's a sign. It's destiny.
Of course it is!
Destiny!
We'll ask your mom.
She has a real knack
for freeing up slots.
All we need is an advance.
Sure. How much? 5 or 10,000?
10,000 is fine.
Excuse us a second.
- Hurry up.
- We'll be right back.
What are you doing?
You want us to look like beggars?
Put on airs if you want,
I'm trying to keep us afloat
after your mother's bullshit. Ok?
We're flat broke.
What if we started by setting a date?
- Sure.
- Isn't this fast?
For the advance,
a wire transfer is easiest.
We want a château in Provence
to be close to Daddy.
Great surprise.
I called. You wouldn't answer.
- So what's the plan?
- What plan?
- The plan!
- Which plan?
I'm not marrying my ex-best-friend
and my latest fuck-buddy!
I'm really sorry.
The other night was a mistake.
It's not me.
I promise, it was you.
Very nice too.
- Really?
- Yes.
Look, I love Alexia.
This is going a bit faster
than I expected.
But like she said, it's a sign.
Destiny. I'm a lobster.
A lobster?
Hurray for destiny.
My job is making people happy.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
Some coffee?
Thank you.
I'm coming.
Planning a wedding
with your babe and your mistress?
You're my hero.
She's not my mistress.
- You know that Alexia knows?
- How's that?
They're all the same.
They won't admit they know.
If she finds out, she'd slit
my throat and drink my blood.
That's exactly what'll happen.
You're not ready
for the "Bullshitter Zone."
And don't let your stress show.
It'll be your downfall.
You're happy!
Smile, you're getting married!
Good luck, pal.
- Goodbye, Ben.
- Bye.
You see Juliette?
- Who?
- Juliette.
No.
Clarisse, get off my case.
Appearances count.
This chick farts
and her hair falls in place.
You spent 3,000 whoppers
on a Carolina Ritz coat!
I'll wear it once, return it
and get refunded. You taught me that.
Juliette!
You look great! I love the coat!
Oh, right. It's been
in the back of my closet for years.
Your collar was crooked.
You ok?
Great!
I'm happy, I'm getting married.
Maybe we should hurry.
Don't worry,
they won't leave without us.
Shit.
So tell me about you.
We've had no time to catch up.
I know nothing!
- You're not on Instagram.
- I don't have time.
You have several odd jobs?
No.
Are you married? A boyfriend?
Nope. No boyfriends for me.
Are you a lesbian?
Why would I be?
I don't know,
you're not bad-looking now.
Guys must come on to you.
You, for example.
As a guy, what do you think?
She's not bad, right?
Yes, yes.
You wouldn't say no!
I can find a woman "not bad,"
I mean pretty, without wanting sex.
See that?
If only all guys could be like him.
You said it.
I'll get some coffee.
- Tea with lemon?
- And hot milk.
But not too hot.
A Coke.
Diet?
No, a plain old Coke.
- The red can?
- Yes.
I'll be back.
It has tons of sugar.
Have a good day.
Ticket, please.
It's over there
with the young ladies.
Superman!
And Wonder Woman!
Please, don't.
I'm in a very complicated situation.
My future wife is with Wonder Woman.
Who's not my wife.
And so... it'd be cool
if I could count on your discretion.
You know, male solidarity.
Ok. Give me a kiss.
Excuse me?
A kiss or I spill the beans.
I want a château for sure.
- You listening to me?
- Yes.
I'd like a crown.
And a cape for Mathias.
A big cape.
You alright?
Just fine.
Great.
Was the bar closed?
Yes.
This château has a lovely terrace
for the wedding reception.
- There's enough room for...
- No way.
This one dates back to 1860...
No way!
It's so pretty here!
Look over there.
I love it!
But it's too big.
The kids will run around screaming.
I don't want a château after all.
It's commonplace.
You can drive.
What about a hot-air balloon?
A submarine?
A 100-year-old tree?
What? A 100-year-old tree?
A creek or a cave
in the Gorges du Verdon?
How about that?
A creek is a great idea, honey.
Remember the Gorges du Verdon?
I seem to remember being there.
I couldn't sit down for 3 days!
- We did a lot of canoeing.
- I see.
It's a real workout.
I was wondering, Mathias.
Do you prefer carriages or canoes?
Canoes. Stronger sensations.
But I want a secluded spot
with no tourists.
Obviously.
No dickheads.
Daddy!
How's the little lady of my life?
- Juliette?
- Hello.
Look how she's grown!
You look just like your mother.
Mathias!
Say there,
did you put on a few pounds?
It's your daughter's fault,
she's a gourmet cook. And the wine!
But I'll still beat you at tennis.
We couldn't finish our last match,
I had to stop.
- Because of the heat.
- That's right.
Once you hit a certain age...
you should be careful.
How old are you? 65 or 70?
62.
It's the gray.
I might have gray hair,
but I'm not losing it.
Alexia tells me everything.
I'm not losing my hair,
it's always been like this.
Gérard, it's the way my hair grows.
Daddy, if you knew
how he asked for my hand.
Right Mathias?
How about a drink to celebrate?
"My Prince will come,
but Daddy will always be my King."
That's stupid.
Princes and daddies don't exist.
All top-notch wines handed down
from my grandfather.
And I mean top-notch! Petrus 1929.
Cheval Blanc 1966.
Angelus 1958.
Must be worth a fortune.
Yes.
But I don't like to say how much,
it sounds pretentious.
That's wise.
600,000 euros.
I see!
And when will you drink them?
Not right away.
I've been waiting for years.
Dinner's ready. Can you help?
Sure.
Thank you.
That top is from H&M.
I don't know, I remove labels.
H&M is on my blog.
I love it, but only one piece
at a time. Otherwise it looks cheap.
How cool, a blog.
Is that a profession?
Of course.
How many clients do you have a year?
I don't count.
I have over 32,000 followers.
Can you imagine the stress?
Mathias knows, don't you?
One fashion faux-pas
and every press agent drops you.
It's a high-risk profession.
Totally. Imagine if I lost my phone.
- It's all over!
- You see?
Mathias, are you in fashion too?
No, I fool around
with old pieces of furniture.
Fool around!
He's an extraordinary craftsman.
Everyone in the world wants his work.
You're exaggerating.
You should come over.
Shouldn't she?
- We'll see.
- He made everything.
Oh, it's Ben.
What's up?
"Have you fucked again?"
Who's he talking about?
You, I mean us. Of course.
I told him sex was rare recently.
I gave you a blowjob last night.
Gérard, some wine to wash it down?
Sorry.
I'm done, you can come in.
Dental hygiene is important.
You a dentist too?
I wanted to say...
I know the situation...
isn't easy for you.
- But I wanted to apologize.
- Don't worry, it's cool.
Good night.
Oh shit. Juliette!
The handle!
- Juliette!
- Good night.
Open the door, dammit.
I need the handle!
Juliette, I said I'm sorry.
- "The Big Day."
- It's Juliette, is Clarisse there?
- We said white!
- No gray!
- Call me once you've agreed?
- We agree!
Gray-white. It's not as gay.
We wouldn't want people to know
you're gay at our wedding.
We want suits for our babies too.
Custom-made
to fit their personalities.
Stop it with that ball!
We'd like to marry them too.
- They're straight.
- Oh yeah?
You'll cut us a deal, right?
I'll think it over.
- Have a good day!
- Thank you.
Goodbye.
It's Juliette.
The two fags are penny-pinchers.
We need dough.
So I want you to sell your pals
the whole shebang!
The ice cream stand,
ponies for the kids, mariachis...
Ok, but I need directions
to the marvelous creek.
I can't find it.
You have an iPhone? You have a GPS?
Deal with it.
This way.
It's this way.
It's this way.
This way.
No, it's this way.
Say, Juliette,
would we happen to be lost?
Maybe.
There's no network here.
- Mathias, a snake!
- Oh shit.
- Do something!
- Ok, hang on.
Hurry up.
Shit, it's hot.
Thanks.
Here. Take this and this...
Shit!
You alright?
Great.
Here we are!
Falconers' Creek.
I knew it was here.
It's stunning.
This is the spot, there's no doubt.
It's gorgeous.
Signed and sealed!
The water is fantastic.
You like it?
Yes. But there's a problem.
What?
How am I supposed to get here
in a wedding gown?
I was going to get there.
The guests could arrive
from over here in decorated boats.
And you'll come from here,
in another boat.
Like everyone else?
No, not like everyone else.
We'll find something more spectacular.
On jet skis?
Water skis?
No.
On horseback!
No way.
A canoe with mariachis?
Paragliders!
But of course! That's a great idea.
We love flying.
We could take off from two cliffs
and meet here. Amazing!
In a wedding gown?
Sure.
And you have licenses?
Of course we do.
You've never flown?
I've jumped plenty of times.
There we go.
We'll need to check
the wind direction.
- Maybe do a trial run?
- Absolutely.
No problem, I'll book it.
We're moving along.
The creek, paragliders, it's fab!
Next stop!
Oh shit, a snake! A snake!
Juliette!
It's a branch.
Silly me, I thought it was a snake.
I'm so sorry.
Maybe it's still ok.
Thousands of followers are orphans.
I'll delete your contacts.
And you have 128 Go!
I can post even more photos.
Thanks, Juliette.
You're welcome.
Hey, Gabriel. It's Juliette.
How are you?
We'll be a bit early. Do you mind?
No, tonight I can't.
I'm with clients.
See you right away.
- This wine is fantastic, Gabriel.
- It's one of our best.
Cheers.
Pumpkin!
We love this wine!
Not bad.
I don't usually hit on dogs.
I'm talking about the wine.
Yeah, it's not bad.
It'll be perfect for the lunch.
It needs to be decanted.
You know about wine too.
You're the guy who knows everything.
Yes, everything.
Except how to make your hair
grow back.
That was low.
I'm not losing it.
I've always had a receding hairline.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a taboo subject. Taboo.
Ok, I'll shut up. No problem.
It's preferable.
So, about the wedding.
The meal, the wine...
What else? I didn't see
your parents on the list.
They won't be there.
No one from your family?
No.
Alexia's family is my family.
That's great.
Her dad's the best.
Yes.
She's lucky.
Where's your dad?
That's a good question.
Cheers.
Your account
is already in use.
Mom, it's me.
What are you doing
on my Facebook page?
Looking for a man.
With my photo?
Of course. It's easier.
Mom, stop it right now.
Hang on, I just received
a sweet little message.
I'm going to answer.
What's a disco stick?
What? Stop it right now!
Go on, dude, go!
Did you invite friends over?
Not at all.
No, I'm at a friend's place.
See you, bye!
Gabriel, it's Juliette.
I'm coming.
Darling...
Would you play tennis with Daddy?
Pretty please!
Ok, fine.
Thank you.
And could you let him win?
I don't believe it.
Just a few games.
- Just a few little games!
- No way.
- Pretty please, do it for me.
- I won't be bribed.
For your little wife.
- Come on.
- You're a pain.
- I know.
- The All-Time Pain.
- Will you?
- Yes.
Thank you, darling.
- Don't you think he's sexy?
- Uh-huh.
Paragliding is booked at 2 pm.
We lucked out,
they had an available slot.
Go, Daddy!
Warm up.
It's only normal.
Right, Mathias?
Warm up, straight in the net!
- Let's cheer for Daddy.
- No, you go.
I'm working.
Go, Daddy!
Watch out,
this will be a fast one.
Give me a "D"! Give me an "A"!
Give me two "Ds"!
Give me a "Y"! Daddy!
Oh man, I'm K.O.
It doesn't show too much.
What doesn't show?
Here, look.
Are you fucking kidding me!
My two front teeth are broken
and it doesn't show?
I look like I got turkey slapped
by Iron Man!
We'll go back to Paris.
I'll go back. You stay here.
You can't go all alone.
I'll come with you.
Daddy, I'm not 4 years old.
I'll go to Paris and you and Juliette
test the paragliders.
Don't be silly.
What? Are you afraid?
I thought you'd done it before.
Yes, but...
Then there you go. It's settled.
- It's beautiful.
- Yeah.
Very beautiful.
And uh...
What's the altitude?
Around 3,000 feet.
Holy shit.
Not getting ready?
- You've never flown.
- Yes, I have.
Good.
The big accidents are with people
who've never flown.
The ones who pretend they have.
Upshot of the story? They faint
in midair and crash into the cliff.
Oh yeah?
It's a clean death. No pain.
They crash without feeling a thing.
That's cool.
As you know, the key is aerology.
- Aerobiology, I know.
- No, Aerology.
That's what I said.
If you know the troposphere
and stratosphere,
everything's cool.
- But that's not news to you.
- No.
You know, I was thinking.
I actually really like it up here.
So actually, I'm not going to jump.
The correct term is "fly."
I'm not going to fly.
I'll just enjoy the fabulous view.
Uh-huh.
- It's great.
- Even better from above.
I'll think about my life.
Introspection time?
Good idea.
- I'll sit here quietly.
- No, no.
- Can you get up, please?
- Sure.
I like it here! I swear I do!
I love it here!
I want to go back!
I want to go back to the cliff!
Mathias!
I can't hear you.
Take me back!
I want to go home!
Take me back!
Open your eyes!
Look at that.
- You feel better now?
- Of course.
I'm used to it.
You don't say?
Let's have some fun!
Stop it! You're crazy!
Oh my God!
Wasn't that fun?
You bastard!
You tried to kill me!
Get this goddamn thing off me.
Give me one second.
Shit.
- I'm leaving!
- You can't, you're tied up.
Leave me alone.
You're free.
Juliette.
Go to hell!
Well, I say.
What?
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
What's wrong?
How far would you go
to impress Alexia?
A new coat, a few white lies...
But jumping off a cliff? Hats off.
You have a call.
And so do I.
Hello there, sir.
How are you, sweetie?
I have the price
of a new car in my mouth.
And you, the big leap?
It was great.
No, I can't.
Because I'm working.
Are you sure? Come on!
No really, I can't.
Juliette's not driving you mad?
No, I'll survive. You know me.
Where are you? I hear noise.
- We went out for a drink.
- Oh, yeah?
That's great.
Can I call you back later?
Ok, see you soon.
I love you too.
It was Alexia.
It was Gabriel.
- You ok?
- Yes, of course.
You look a bit cold.
A little bit, yes.
Thanks.
Cheers.
To your first flight.
I've jumped before.
With your little footsies.
- Come on...
- Shhh.
Don't "shhh" me.
Let's steal a bottle.
- Of wine? No way.
- Come on.
- Why not?
- He counts them.
- I swear.
- Who cares?
Besides, the mojitos did me in.
- Want some water?
- I'm going to bed.
Good night.
Oh shit!
Damn.
- You're all wet!
- So are you.
Hush, he'll hear us.
No, it's ok.
Is someone there?
Shit!
Come here!
It won't shut!
- No!
- It's cool.
- What did you do?
- I don't know.
What did you do!
Thanks for coming so quickly, boys.
It's crazy,
robbing little old men.
You two didn't hear anything?
You sure sleep soundly.
You still have pillow marks.
Look, in my misfortune I was lucky.
The best bottle is unharmed.
- Wonderful.
- Cool.
What about you?
Anything planned for today?
We're going home.
We changed our tickets
to leave earlier.
And so we're leaving earlier.
Moreover, it's time to get going.
See you!
See you.
- We can talk.
- It can't happen again.
You're not that irresistible.
Very funny.
I've screwed up ever since I met you.
- It has to stop.
- I never asked to see you.
You didn't give me your card?
I didn't know
you were cheating on your chick!
Or that you'd propose like a coward
to avoid getting caught?
Or that you'd come to my office
to organize your wedding!
- Juliette!
- Go to hell!
You have my suitcase.
Thanks.
Carolina Ritz,
Rue Saint-Martin, please.
That's good.
- Hello, Mom?
- Yes, sweetie.
Where are you?
On my way to the shrink's.
Do you want me to come get you
or can you get home alone?
You're a darling, but don't bother.
I'll take the metro.
- Are you sure?
- Of course, sweetie.
You're so good to me.
It's only normal.
See you at home?
I didn't hear what you said?
I'll see you at home.
Can you hear me?
I hear you. Hang on a sec.
Stop here. I'll be right back.
I'm curious, what exactly
do you talk about with the shrink?
With my shrink? Oh, everything.
For example?
Sweetie, it's confidential.
I just got there
so I have to hang up.
Love you.
My daughter is worse than
the Gestapo! She's always on my ass.
More than you think.
- Juliette!
- Mom.
Gentlemen.
I see.
You lied. You're not in a taxi.
Bravo.
You disappoint me.
Lying to your mother
is not very nice.
- We'll leave you two alone.
- It's better.
Yes, I think so.
I bust my ass paying for a shrink
and you play hooky?
It's useless.
It's to recover
your driver's license and job!
- I'm done driving a taxi.
- And why is that?
Because if you drive a taxi,
you can't drink.
So you drink and I get to support you
for the rest of my life?
I'll die before you.
- You're going right now.
- Stop telling me what to do!
Damn you.
Stay with your friend.
Your best friend.
And be grateful.
Because Dad left all three of us.
You, me,
and your fucking bottle.
I took advantage
to set them straight.
It looks nice.
Kind of like Juliette.
- No?
- Uh-huh.
And these are only temporary.
Mine were kind of crooked.
Like a rodent.
Don't you think?
Uh-huh.
You don't give a shit.
That's not true.
You're right, it's much better.
I'm a superficial airhead,
is that it?
Not with those teeth.
I missed you.
Are you ok?
Of course.
I'm lying to Alexia.
I'm treating Juliette like shit.
- Will you see her again?
- No.
- So you're canceling the wedding?
- No.
- Then you'll see her again.
- Are you dumb?
I'll change wedding planners.
You're crazy!
Alexia will catch on for sure.
For starters,
you tone down the good looks.
It'll stop the other babe
from jumping on you.
After that,
prepare to stand by Alexia.
How's she going to feel
after 2 or 3 pregnancies?
Life will be
a struggle against fat!
Her inevitable physical decline
will demand support.
You're totally nuts.
We're not there yet.
You're exactly there, dude.
The next step,
if you don't get caught before...
is the "Baby Zone."
Should one of her girlfriends
get pregnant, you're really done for.
I don't know, it's too...
See what I mean?
No?
- Of course.
- It's too much.
And I'm sorry, it's not white.
It's plaster colored.
Wedding gowns are so commonplace.
- No?
- Yes.
But you'll regret not having one.
I promise you.
Add something original.
A fun accessory.
And you ask the guests
to do the same.
A kind of dress code.
Did anything happen
with you and Mathias?
Like what?
I don't know. He's acting so funny.
- Something's off.
- No, no.
He loves and adores you.
He talks about you all the time.
Really?
Yes.
Because as a wedding planner,
you should know.
Guys are wimps. They freak out.
So before getting married,
they sleep with any old slut.
You see?
But Mathias isn't like that.
No. Mathias isn't like that.
I'm glad we met again.
Me too.
We should go out one night.
A girl's night out. A sushi party.
Sure.
But if there is a slut...
they'll pay for it dearly.
You're with me, right?
Of course.
I want to change dresses.
- Now.
- Right away.
Where's the salesgirl?
You're very beautiful.
Thank you.
It was a wonderful day. Thank you.
Alexia.
We said no orange.
It's not orange,
it's reduced carrot juice.
Not orange-the-fruit.
Orange-the-color. Too 70's.
It's no good.
Yoo-hoo!
Yoo-hoo.
There's a slut.
It's fantastic here!
Delicious.
But it could use
a little carrot-flavored something.
Except we said no orange.
I said carrot, not orange.
I recall you saying "no orange."
"We" said.
You agreed at the time.
Most likely.
Johanna confirmed for tomorrow.
The girls are bringing
their photos for the slideshow.
Were you able to get some of yours?
Ben must have souvenirs.
All those orgies, all those girls.
Not nostalgic?
You're acting weird.
I'm weird?
- You're the one who's weird.
- Why?
That's for you to tell me.
Isn't he acting weird, Juliette?
Maybe.
Should I pick you up tomorrow?
No, thanks. She's pregnant
so I'll go over early to help her.
Pregnant with a baby?
No, a coupé convertible.
That's enough. What's her name?
- Who?
- The goddammed slut.
You're out of your mind.
Even Juliette agrees with me.
Juliette agrees?
It's true, you're acting weird.
- You don't wonder why?
- No.
No. Yes, yes!
I do know.
It's the...
the stress!
That's it.
Wedding stress is making him weird.
Right.
Are you standing up for him?
No.
Maybe it's you?
What were you doing
while I suffered at the dentist's?
Time for dessert!
- Calm down, what's wrong?
- I'm perfectly calm.
You're getting paranoid.
Paranoid my ass.
How long has it been going on?
What are you talking about?
Nothing's going on.
I'm coming.
I have to go.
My mother pulled one of her tricks.
Alexia, if anything had happened...
we wouldn't be here
discussing carrots and oranges.
Thank you.
Your mother was caught
in possession of cannabis.
She declared that her daughter,
Juliette Orlinski, that is you,
procured it for her. Is this correct?
Yes, of course.
I also supply her with her crack pipe,
her coke and her box wine.
Yes, she was drunk
when we brought her in.
I think she still is.
My daughter's gonna
take me far away from your ugly face.
I can't cope.
What are we looking at?
A killer headache and a nice big fine.
She said you'd pay.
Oh yeah? Well, keep her here
for as long as possible.
My Juliette and me are gonna split.
Juliette.
Did she leave?
Yeah, she left.
Hey, dude.
What's wrong? You get caught?
Almost. Alexia and I fought.
Oh shit.
- Her girlfriend is pregnant.
- Oh shit!
She wants a 2-bedroom
apartment now.
Oh shit.
- Cool hair-do.
- It's my weekend.
Lola, come say hello
to Uncle Mat.
Hello, Uncle Mat.
Hello, Lola.
We need to talk so what'll you do?
- Wash the dishes and straighten up.
- That's my girl.
Go on. You see my new TV?
Just like seeing the game live.
I've thought it over.
You can still make it right.
You're smack in the "Player Zone."
"Player Zone"?
Where do you get this crap?
It's not crap.
In a nutshell, look.
15 years old. 30 years old.
Girls. From age 15 to 30,
their sensual power only increases.
They have tight asses
and firm breasts.
After 30, their decline starts.
It's cellulite vs. young hotties.
The red marker is us dudes.
We're the opposite.
We start low:
puberty, zits, no dough.
We get burned
by guys 30 and over with careers.
But when we hit 30,
we enter the "Player Zone."
And it lasts 20 years, dude.
Chicks like Alexia, they know this.
So they want to trap us
in the "Marriage Zone" where...
Knock it off.
Can't you see I'm down?
It's because you're assfucked.
You're assfucked.
You're assfucked.
What do you mean?
You're asphyxiated by Alexia.
Ah, I get it. Assfuck. Asphyxiate.
What did you do?
My plasma screen!
I love you, Daddy.
Sorry.
Wait for me!
Wait for me!
Hot damn.
The A-Girls sure have aged.
Juliette!
You've changed so much!
You're beautiful now.
Take a selfie.
No, thanks.
You're living
in your parents' home?
It was simpler.
- Want a drink?
- Yes, please.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
I don't know what came over me.
I guess the wedding stresses me too.
Besides, you're not Mathias' type.
- Is she?
- No way.
Don't take it badly.
You'll see,
we found tons of pictures.
You're the most beautiful baby
in the whole world.
You're in top form!
Not really. The nanny was late,
I had to babysit.
Just awful. Thank God she slept.
Can you imagine moms
without nannies?
Or husbands?
I don't know how they do it.
What a nightmare!
How do single moms do it?
Sweetheart!
Go put on the pretty dress we bought.
It's almost 4 o'clock.
- Your girlfriends will be here soon.
- No, they're not coming.
I didn't give them the invitations.
Why not?
I don't want them
to see that we're poor.
I think you can go now.
Alexia, please bring some ice cubes.
We need help
for the bachelorette party.
We have zero ideas.
I'll find something.
I'll go through the photos.
You're not staying for lunch?
I have a package to pick up.
Thank you for your welcome.
See you soon.
- You ok?
- I'm fine. And you?
I'm good.
I've told you not
to ask friends over.
This isn't the Salvation Army.
I'm Marie.
Juliette's big sister.
My pleasure.
Hi, how are you?
I brought you the photos.
Great. I'll be able
to finish the slide show.
Great.
You have time for coffee?
Or a non-Diet Coke?
Sure.
But we have coffee here.
And non-Diet Coke.
That's ok.
I'll go put on my shoes.
Good idea.
Are you sure? It's a pity.
Have a good day.
- Goodbye.
- Mom, that's enough.
Be seeing you.
I'll wait here.
See you soon!
- Look how cute.
- Nice part in the hair.
You almost look like a sweet guy.
The smile is forced.
Is that Ben?
Was that the school play?
Check out that look!
Not that one.
It's fabulous.
Pretty please!
And it's gone!
I bet there are others.
You want it?
- Want me to sign it for you?
- Yes.
It's you? It's not your sister
or your female cousin?
- It's you?
- Yes, I confess.
That's you and Alexia.
You and Alexia.
You and Alex...
That was my choirboy period.
This is my place.
- I know.
- I know you know.
Goodnight.
I'm sorry, this is bullshit.
Sorry, good evening.
Sorry.
I can't stop thinking about you.
It's unbearable.
I try to get you off my mind,
but I can't even delete your SMS.
And what did it say?
It's absurd.
You sent me the address
for my fitting.
When the phone rings,
I hope it's you.
Every brunette I see, it's you.
Wait a minute.
So it's not bullshit.
What's going on between us
is not bullshit.
It's just bad timing.
How about a derby for him?
- Wouldn't you love a derby, sweets?
- Yes, you'd like that.
Juliette, what's this?
You're not doing
Mathias and Alexia's wedding?
Are you crazy? It's tomorrow.
It's too hard for me.
We need this wedding!
I won't lose money again
because of you.
We have employees.
And I have a kid to feed.
You have a meeting
for the menus with Lucie.
I'll take care of the suits.
So we are doing this wedding.
You do it alone.
Lucie or my mother will help you.
But I can't.
What's she doing here?
We said no more of her.
Or my son!
I play by the rules.
My son is waiting downstairs
like a good boy.
I'm coming, sweetie!
I think this agency is reliable.
And you should too.
We're leaving.
She's not hurting anyone.
These dogs are a pain.
- I really like the derby.
- I love it.
I'll drop her off.
Mom, we're leaving.
We're going to the shrink's
right now.
- Juliette, we're waiting for you.
- How are you?
Is there a problem?
In fact, uh...
I can't come to your bachelorette
party or finalize the wedding.
But Clarisse will take over.
But why?
Why?
It's complicated.
It's because
I can't leave my mother alone.
That's why?
She's more than welcome.
No, she can't.
Yes, I can.
- No.
- Yes, I can.
Hurry, we'll be late.
She'll go with Clarisse.
Can't I?
Juliette!
ALEXIA'S BACHELORETTE PARTY
Destination: Southern France!
For your wedding!
Go, Juliette!
You'll have to choose
between the two.
I'll take both.
This-this-this...
This one's on me.
I'm not asking you.
Not asking you...
Not asking you...
Did you do coke?
Are you crazy? You know I hate coke.
But I love the smell.
Want some?
He doesn't fit.
Shit, I can't get him in!
He doesn't fit.
This is it.
The Big Day.
Yep.
Thanks, Juliette.
- Thanks for everything.
- Don't thank me.
Why not?
You went all out
to organize a fabulous party for me.
It wasn't even in the contract.
It's my job, I promise you.
And you know...
as kids, we might've thought
you were odd...
but you're the only one
who's made it on her own.
Without clinging onto a father
or a husband.
You're not simply
someone's daughter or wife.
You're you. And you're free.
We'd give anything to be you.
No way!
- Is that breakfast?
- Yep.
I'm coming.
- Hello!
- Good morning, ladies.
- This looks good!
- It is good.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Gérard!
Hello, Gérard.
You alright?
Just fine.
Your hair is different.
I had it cut. Is it too short?
Not at all.
The color looks great.
Here you are, miss.
Thank you.
Are you ok?
It's the stress.
Mom, stop that stupid game noise.
Chill. You're busting my balls.
I'll play this.
I want to see Alexia!
No, not right now.
- Really.
- I'll take care of it.
Mathias, I said you can't go in.
- Let me in.
- What's going on?
I'm not getting married.
P.M.S.S.
What?
Pre-Marital Stress Syndrome.
It's normal.
I'm not stressed, I need to see Alexia.
We're calling it off.
You don't dump the bride
on the Big Day.
I think about you all the time.
We've done this scene.
I might be a lobster,
but I've found my unicorn.
You've gone off the deep end.
Alexia is a great girl.
You can't do this. I can't.
And you love her.
That's why I owe her the truth.
It's too late.
It's bad timing, you said it.
We're about to change the timing.
Shit.
Where is she?
Where is she!
She didn't want you to see her dress.
You see, it's too late.
I'm calling her.
This can't be true!
I'll find a way. I'll see you there.
Shit! Goddamned new shoes!
He's uptight.
A little.
You know what?
This wedding screws up, I'm done.
I'll do like you,
find a fuck buddy and enjoy life.
How you are ok?
You got screaming faces.
Not too top-hop.
There's a problem.
Look!
So keep your mouth shut and smile.
Alexia!
I need to talk to you.
We need to talk.
- We need to talk.
- Later.
Very well.
We shall now pronounce
the wedding vows.
Alexia Mélanie Fleur Dufour,
do you take Mathias Laurent
to be your husband,
to love and to cherish,
till death do you part?
No.
I'm sorry, but I can't get married.
Not for the wrong reasons.
Because I'm the right age,
or to be like
all those girls who pretend
they're fulfilled when they're not.
It's not me.
It's no longer me. I won't be happy.
I need to find happiness on my own.
I need to find myself.
I need time,
to take an inner journey.
Do you understand?
My head is a mess.
It's... I'm in panic mode.
I need to become a woman,
before becoming someone's wife.
And I need to walk this path alone.
There.
Pumpkin?
Knock-knock?
He's in shock.
No, just surprised.
Why didn't you tell me before?
Because I wasn't sure.
And I didn't want to hurt you.
- Hurt me?
- Yes.
You know
what I've been through?
I can't sleep.
I'm losing my hair, look!
Yeah, yeah.
You agree, I'm losing my hair?
Because I didn't want to hurt you
like a bastard!
I'm lost. You were about to say
"I do but I don't"?
Don't you get it?
No, explain.
I'm just an airhead!
I was going to say "no"!
I tried to talk to you,
but you were
too focused on you to listen!
Could we...
Shut up!
You asked for my hand!
Why did you go see Juliette?
No.
No.
Yep, he's fucking Juliette.
I'm not fucking her. I love her.
And he got caught!
Children, please...
Children...
I don't know how to swim!
You're the slut?
Good luck, Juliette.
Come on, let's go!
Where's my girl?
Where's my baby girl?
Hello.
She'll pay for this!
It's the "Chaos Zone."
Say there,
what are you doing tonight?
Christ, what waste.
- Everything was so pretty.
- Why are you sad?
You're a cutie-pie.
It's not a waste, look.
Oh shit.
It didn't go so bad after all.
No.
Did you mean
what you said down there?
Help!
Grab on here.
Here!
Shit, not my hair!
Come on, help me!
Shit!
Fuck!
My hair!
You feel a draft?
Yes, it's the wind.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
Come here.
- What are you looking at?
- You!
You're so handsome.
Like this.
I'm Marie. Juliette's big sister.
Cut, please.
Cut.
They killed my babies.
Now isn't that funny.
We want suits for our babies too.
Custom-made
to fit their personalities.
Nothing faggy-looking.
They're straight.
Black leather and studs.
You may now kiss the bride.
They'll pay for it dearly.
- Sushi, good idea.
- You see?
I don't have much free time but...
You'll free up a slot for me.
She's gonna take me
far away from your ugly face.
Subtitles: Julie Meyer
Subtitling: Eclair Media