We Are Not Alone (2022) - full transcript

Hey!
Here he is.

- Hey!
- Man of the moment.

How was it?

Yeah, good.

Great.
Bang-on, actually.

So, what did you say?

You know, sort of questions about jobs.

The job.
Answers from me.

A bit of back and forth.

- Yeah, you didn't go, did you?
- No, n... not entirely. No.

Stew.
Look, I lined you up for that one.



I'm sorry.
Just...

I don't think that local planning officer

is a natural career step for me.

You're a junior local planning officer.

Yeah, junior...
and I like that.

You know, there's no pressure or politics,

or your big meetings upstairs.

- Look, it's normal to fear change.
- I don't fear change.

Right, what are you having?

Just the usual.

Actually, do you know what?

I will go for a Scrumpy Pumpy, please.

Yeah?
For a change.

Are you sure?



It's eight per cent.

I'll just go with the mild.

Yeah.

- Right, then. Come on.
- What?

She might still be there.

No, but I don't want...

I don't want the bloody job.

- Come on!
- Robbie!

- It's more money.
- Yeah, it's more hassle.

You know,
can't we just grab some tins, go over to the castle?

No, we're not fifteen years old anymore.

Look,
you've got to start doing something with your life.

I know. I will.
But just not right now.

When, then?
What?

I don't know.
I'll just see what happens.

This is Clitheroe, Stew.

Nothing happens.

What the fuck?!

-- Subs originally ripped by TVC --
-- Subs corrected by darthfrede --

And with China finally surrendering,

all nations on Earth
are now formally under alien control.

...and an enlarged cranium,

suggesting superior intelligence and...

I just think we are where we are
and everyone just needs

to stop moaning and get on with it.

The time has come to
make peace with a new reality,

a new regime here in Great Britain.

Territory 78.

...is of course leading on from the rumours

that our Gu'un leaders may want to govern
from outside of London.

Most digital signals remain blocked.

We continue to broadcast
on the old analogue network.

Time to lay down our weapons,

dry our eyes, and...
get back to our lives.

Shit!

Freeze!

How is this a door?!

And how do you slow down a Nissan?

- Clitter-oh-ee.
- Clitter-oh-ee.

Clitheroe.

Yeah.

Look, you can't run the country from here.
It's too...

Why have you got your hands up?

Why have you got your hands up?

So you don't shoot me.

I thought it was a greeting.

No, it's all right.
We're not going to shoot you.

He's right.
That did it.

Well, thank you.

Look, you can't run the country from here.

There's no motorways, the internet is crap,
parking is a nightmare...

He's very whiny.
Can't we just shoot him a bit?

The thing is, Clithero...
oo...

Clitheroe.

...is the geographical centre
of the landmass.

I mean, you can't run an island territory

from down in one corner.

I mean,
imagine how disenfranchised the people over in...

- No.
- No. Well, you take my point.

Which is why we're moving Central Command
from Lon-don...

- Lon-don.
- ...to, well...

- ...here.
- Here.

Can you eat this?

I wouldn't.

Is that a no?

You run the country from the capital.

That's just how it works.

Understood.

Make a note...
Clitheroe is now the capital.

What?

No, t...
that's not what I mean.

He's right.

It's almost too spicy.

Is there anything else we should know?

...just stopped going to the office, really,

or, you know, they took up drink,
or drugs, or both, actually.

A lot went up to the hills.

I do wish
you'd all stop acting so surprised.

- Surprised?! You invaded our planet!
- Arrived.

We arrived at your planet.

- And to be fair, we were invited.
- No, you weren't.

You were sending out radio signals.

- And then there was that probe...
- Voyager.

Yes, I mean,
literally had a map of how to get here on the side.

So, you know, we pop round,

and next thing
you start firing things at us.

- You blew up New Zealand.
- Only the edges.

- That's where all the people were.
- Greetings!

Hello.

Hi...
Hi, June.

It's okay.
They're just...

There's been a change in management.

All right?

- Yep. There we go.
- Yeah, I've seen it...

...but I think it's just another finger.

No, no, no.
I'm telling you...

it's the penis.

Then why was it pointing at me?

There you go.
Done.

Do you know what the round bits are for?

I heard if you give them a gentle squeeze...

Do we draw lots?

Yep, or there's always, I don't know...

rank.

Military rank or...?

I think Earth rank, now we're here.

You could still get your own territory,
you know,

if you'd just learn a little diplomacy.

Fuck diplomacy!

And there's the issue.

Morning.

You know the species.

Is there any way
to make large numbers of them

immediately like you?

Tea.

Thank you.

Tea?

Thank you.

Tea!

Tea.

T...
Thank you.

So, the sun is going to explode.

What?

Not now.
In about eight billion years.

But it will eventually expand
into a super-heated red giant

that will consume the Earth
in a gas-fuelled inferno

of competing nuclear reactions.

Jesus.

Yes, it's very upsetting.

And we know that, because that's
what happened to our planet, Gu'ua,

which is why we've spent several decades

searching other galaxies for a planet

with a breathable atmosphere,
and having finally found one,

well, long story short,
we're not going anywhere.

So, we're stuck with you.

Well, we could have just vaporised you all.

- Well, let's not...
- That got my vote.

The message is, "We come in peace."

Look, and we really do want

to rub along with you guys as best we can.

The problem is that as a species,
you're so...

- Simple.
- ...complicated.

Yes, very, very basic,

but at the same time, utterly baffling.

- Are we?
- Well, you're all terrified of death...

...yet your favoured mode of transport
literally pumps out poison.

So, to help you,

we dis-incentivised
the use of internal combustion engines...

The electric shocks?

And somehow we're the bad guys?!

People have got to get about.

Yes, that's it right there.

You're so desperate to live your lives

that you're prepared to die to do so.

Free country.

It's fascinating.

No concept of collective responsibility.

Or he might just be thick.

No, no.

I believe this is how they think,
and he's just saying it.

They didn't do that in Lon-don.

I can hear you.

I'd like to offer you a job as a consultant

to help us understand
the indigenous population.

No, no.

What you need is someone from London,
or upstairs.

- Or upstairs in London.
- No, no. We've tried that.

We've had quite enough of experts.

What we need is the common-sense outlook
of the man on the street,

just while we find our feet.

I really appreciate it,

but I just want to do my hours,
get my head down...

The paper!
The paper!

- Would you like the colourful paper?
- No, it's not a...

Christ, that's a lot!
It's not about the money.

It's...
It's about...

A dwelling, then.

We could give you a dwelling.

Since we arrived, some lovely domiciles have been...
vacated.

You mean like a house?
To keep?

To keep.
And for just a few weeks' work.

A couple of quick wins human-relations-wise

and you can go back to doing...
well, whatever it is you do.

Can I think about it?

Of course.

To thinking about it.

Yeah.
To thinking about it.

The milk is off!
The milk is so off!

There you go.

Cheers.

Thanks.

What's that?

I found it.
Out there.

It was Robbie's.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I bought him that belt.

Shit!

Okay, well, I mean, shouldn't...?
Maybe you should keep a hold of it.

No, no, no.
That's ancient history now.

He'd want you to have it.

Would he?

Well,
I know he'd rather not have been crushed to death

by a giant ball, but here we are.

They offered me a job.

- Who?
- The Blue Man Group.

I mean, after everything they've done?
No way.

Stewart...

Stewart, we all work for them now, right?

But we don't all get to make a difference.

What would he say?

Hello...!

S... Sugar!
Sorry. I didn't know it did pictures.

Got you, you bastard!

Was there something you wanted?

Yeah.

I'm in.

Actually, could I drive?

I think I'm getting the hang of it.

I know what I did that time.

Yeah.

What to have?
What to have?

It all just sounds so awful.

- Bap'n'brew.
- What?

Bap'n'brew.

Bap'n'brew.

Just four bacon butties and four teas to go,
please.

Thank you.

Greetings.

Greetings.

Well, this is nice.

Sorry, can you tell...?

Actually, I don't know any of your names.

Yes. Well,
we tend not to use our names down here on Earth.

I mean, there's an issue, you see.

The resonant frequency of our native tongue

combined with the atmospheric pressure

of your planet means that
if we say our Gu'un names out loud,

you'd...
well...

You'd shit yourself.

Sorry?

Physically.

You would void your bowels,
violently and comprehensively.

But you may refer to us by rank.

Sector Premier, Sector Sub-commander,

underling, third-class.

Right.

It's just that, you know,
if you guys want to fit in,

maybe you should get something
a bit more normal.

You know, human.

Yes.
Wonderful idea.

Humans, tell me, what names do you go by?

- Tracy.
- Peter.

What lovely noises.

Tracy and Peter.

Tracy, Peter, Trace, Peter,
Tra, Peter, Tra...

- Trater. I shall be Trater.
- That... That has another meaning.

Thank you.

You!

Name!

Gordon.

I am Gordan!

Okay.

Yeah, great.
And then you can be...

Greggs.

Great.
Yeah. Greg.

- Greg...
- Greggs.

It's not...
It's not really a name.

It is.

I've seen it everywhere.

Okay. Right. Yeah, so...
Greggs, Trater...

and Gordon.

Gor-dan!

Four baps to go.

I'm quite full, actually.

Oh, dear.

- Cheers.
- Thank you.

After you, Gordan.

- No, no. You first, Trater.
- Trater!

Not their real names.
Their real names are...

- You all right?
- Yep.

Yeah.
I'm fine.

Another one?

Would you like a purple one?

See?
You all love it.

Money?
Of course we do.

Exactly!

So let's just print loads of it,
give everyone lots and lots.

Everybody loves us,

and we all live together
in peace and harmony.

And that's lunch.

Wait.
Wait.

I don't know what it is,
but there's some reason...

I think I read somewhere

or I saw something about
why that doesn't work.

I think you always have to take money
from somewhere else.

You can't just...
make it.

Well, where do you get it from?

I think there's, like, a...
a pot.

A pot?

Do you know who you should talk to?
The...

What's his name?
The Chancellor.

He's...

Unavailable.

The numbers.
Didn't we find some numbers?

There.
The numbers.

So, what do you think?

Me? I don't know.
I'm not an accountant.

Well, speaking as our man on the street,

I mean,
if we have to get this money from somewhere,

what here don't you need?

That's a big number.
What's "nhssss"?

- NHS... Not that.
- What about that one? That's huge.

Wrong column.
That's national debt.

That feels like a problem.

Well, I suppose now you lot are in charge of...
everywhere,

there's always a...

Right.
That should do it.

So, internet is back on?

Is it?
Well done.

You mean what I was doing?
Intranet. Completely different.

I've basically patched their servers
into ours,

so you can talk to the other Smurfs.

Right, budge up.

Now, for video calls,

you need to keep an eye on the Wi-Fi
'cos our routers are horseshit.

There's no signal down there,

none in that corner, and none down there.

I've been trying to get
high-speed fibre in here for years,

but there's never the budget.

Well, we'll see what we can do.

Yeah, good luck with that.

- Well, we're in charge now, so...
- Heard it all before.

No, we literally run the entire world.

If you say so, hon'.

Now you're connected.
Try not to break it.

We're having trouble
fully charging our pulse weapons.

- We can only get about 240V.
- That's all there is.

You're not on Krypton anymore, dude.

She does know we're in charge, yes?

Yeah.
She just... She works in IT.

- Strozvicha.
- Hey, guys!

- Good to see you.
- Hello!

- Sorry. That's a local greeting.
- It's not.

- Hey, how's things over there in 88?
- 78. Territory 78.

Purely in terms of landmass,
which I do wonder,

is that really the best way
to structure the hierarchy of...?

- Hey, I mean, it keeps things simple.
- It's numbers. Just numbers.

Right. Yes.
It's just there was some talk here

of some kind of a special relationship.

Hadn't heard that.

Well, I mean, it's probably just...

So, what do you want talk about?

Well, in a word, missiles.
Did you find one of these things?

You know, we did.

- Where the hell did I put it?
- Da, for the nuclears...

Cory?
Thank you.

That's what's in there?
You gave him that?

It's only nuclear.

It's not like it's a particle disrupter.

Thanks, buddy.
Look at that.

Yes,
I think there is still a few left in barrel.

Yes. These missile things
cost an awful lot of the colourful paper.

- What?! For this?!
- But are... are just nuclears.

Well,
paper we could all be spending elsewhere.

So, I was thinking,

since we collectively
run the whole planet now,

do we really need them, nuclear missiles?

- Yes, good point.
- You know, that's a great point.

- I don't know that we do.
- So we could just get rid of them?

- Absolutely.
- Hey, why not?

What you say you guys get rid of yours,

and then once that's done,
we'll get rid of ours.

Yes.
And then us.

Yeah.
Or you two first, and then us.

It doesn't matter.

You know, whoever first,
and then whoever next,

and then, you know, us.

Yeah, we'll hammer out the details.

Great.
Well, good to talk to you.

See you later, alligator.

Cory taught me that.

Well, I'd say this calls for a celebration.

- Teas all around?
- Or something stronger.

I'll leave out the bovine mammary excretion.

Is that what that was?

- Sorry, what are we celebrating?
- The colourful paper.

- Did you not hear?
- Yeah, but nothing was decided.

They just sort of, like, fobbed you off.
There's still no money.

Where's the money?

Well, you tell us.

It was your idea.

No, it was her idea.
I just tried to make it work.

Well, if there are other ideas...

Yes, you wanted the job.

No, I didn't.

Well,
you've taken the house and the colourful paper,

so I'd say
you're very much part of the team.

It's only one little thing, Stewart.

We just want all humans to like us.

So, come on.

What's your big idea?

Okay, okay.

We've all had a really long day,

and I think we all need to shed our skins,

so let's pick this up in the morning

when I'm sure Stewart here
will be brimming with inspiration.

Of course.
Of course!

Very open to that idea.

Wide open.

Like my airlock door.

Sleep well.

- What's wrong?
- What are you...?

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing in my house?

Gordan told me to keep an eye...
keep... you company.

So...

Housemates.

- What's that?
- Leave it!

Are you joking?

Have you not got anything smaller, Stewart?

No.

You know, for a bloke with a wallet full of fifties,
you don't seem too happy.

You don't want to talk to him.

He's thrown in with that lot.
Bloody collaborator!

I will speak to who I want, Steven Parry.

I should have just said no,
kept my head down.

Now this lot think I'm a scab
and the other lot think I'm useless.

Well, you are.

Well, yeah,
but I've never really had a species look down on me

as a whole, you know?

It doesn't feel great.

Sorry, mate.

Just ignore him.

They're just bored...

because they can't
bury their heads in Instagram.

Of course.

Thank you.

- What?
- I'm going to buy you a drink.

- I'm going to get everyone a drink.
- Get lost, scab!

Your money is no good here!

Shithouse!

Three pints of bitter
and six bags of Wotsits.

And some chilli peanuts.

We blow up the Internet.

I love it.
Let's go.

No.
I mean, not literally blow it up.

- I mean, we post a video...
- No.

- ...across social media...
- No.

- ...on the internet.
- No!

No, no, no, no.
We are not turning that back on.

Why?

Because you have to control
the flow of information.

Yeah, but you're not.

There's gossip and radio,
and most of the telly is back on.

- Now, look...
- Let him speak. Let him speak.

Look, you turn the internet back on

and you can use it
to get your message out there.

You could have your own channel,
or personal accounts, you know,

show people what you're really like.

You could have one, you could have one.

He could have a YouTube channel.

Okay, you get the idea.

But trust me, people miss the web.
You know, really.

Just switching it back on makes you look good,
you know?

And plus, it's free.
You can do it today.

You wanted an easy win.
This is it.

I would like to go on the record
as saying this is a terrible idea.

Okay.

But the record is just becoming
you saying that about things.

- What?
- Nothing. Nothing.

Think I was just expecting something
a bit more hi-tech.

No.
We like to keep the interface simple.

That does all the hard work.

If you say so.

Sorry?

Well, it's not exactly high-spec.

Well, it's about ten times more powerful

than the computers on Earth,

and I mean...
all computers on Earth combined, so...

Will it run Call Of Duty?
Of course it won't run Call Of Duty.

It's not designed to run Call Of Duty.

What's Call Of Duty?

It's a first-person warfare simulation game.

Well, these helped us take over your planet,

so we won an actual war,
an interplanetary war, using this.

Just saying.
The graphics card is not great.

So, flick of a switch

and we're going to have something
up in the socials in no time.

Gordan, authenticate the order.

What the...?

Problem?

Password?

Oh, yeah.
I set you up with network logins, for security.

Security?

Our login is our DNA.

Exactly.

You just needed something a bit more secure.

Trater. So...
Your password is capital J, seven, four...

You should write this down.

...ampersand, nine, underscore...

Was that an upper case "I"
or a lower case "l"?

How did you get to the moon?

Oh, yeah!

What is that?

Okay, can I get some levels?

Just say some words.

- Violin.
- All right.

Cat.
Bermuda.

Marmalade.

Mate...

- Hermit crab.
- I'm okay.

- My foot!
- Jesus.

Is he all right?

Yes, knowing our luck.

Okay, so, are we good to go?

I mean, once we've, you know...

- Yeah, I think we're...
- ...tidied all this up.

Good when you are.

So, whilst the low-orbit super weapon

is still in a constant state of readiness

and trained on all of you all of the time,

we want you to think of us as your friends.

And that, for now, is that.

For now.

So, it's goodnight from all of us
at Central Command,

or as we say on my planet...

Well, they've already translated it.

So, goodnight.

- Well, I think that broadly worked.
- It works. Disseminate it.

Yeah. Yeah. Or...
Was it not just a bit long?

And again, the thing with the hands...

- Disseminate it.
- Yeah.

It's my mother's birthday today.

- How old is she?
- One and a half aeons.

1.5.
That's a good innings.

Bloody black spots.

- Is she celebrating at all, or...?
- Good grief, no.

Hey!
It's uploading.

Now we just...
wait.

Well, a good day, I'd say, all in all.

Well done, Stewart.

The drinks got on me, as I believe you say.

Thank you.

Actually, you haven't got anything smaller?

A tenner for two drinks.
One is for you.

- Keep the change.
- You seem jolly.

Yeah, a better day.
A bit better, I think.

- I saw the video.
- Yeah.

Didn't go exactly to plan, but...

It didn't look planned.

No.
No.

But, you know,
if it gets the message out there...

- ...then that's really what it's about.
- Behind that, were you?

Yeah.
But not... not...

Brilliant.

Seriously, just brilliant.

Yeah.

Yeah.
Thanks. Great.

Man of the moment?

Yeah, I'm a pretty big deal.

Well,
then maybe I should be buying you a drink.

- Seriously?
- What?

I mean,
it's just that I've been coming here for nine years...

five if you're the police...

and you've never once given me a free beer.

Well, it may be...
I'm starting to see you in a different light...

Stewart Connelly.

Are you coming up?

I don't know. You've had a drink.
Maybe I shouldn't.

All right, I'll put this another way, right?

You're coming up.

- Okay, yeah. Great. Yeah, great.
- Yeah?

Yeah.
Come on, then.

- Fuck.
- Come on.

Sorry.

Come here.

Let me just...
I've always liked you, Elodie.

- Yeah.
- Even in primary school.

Yeah.

What the hell is going on?

We'd like a word with you, Stew.

Sorry.

The AAA.

"Yay, yay, yay"?

No, the AAA...
Anti-Alien Alliance.

What's that?

It's our logo.

It's like an alien
but it's also got three As on it.

- There's only two.
- No, no.

There's a little one
where the big ones intersect.

- I don't think it work...
- It works!

Christ!

Anyway,
sorry about all the cloak-and-dagger stuff,

but we had to get you alone.

- So, what, you were just pretending to drink?
- No.

You just have a very low tolerance.

She's just a concerned human.
We all are.

- Yeah.
- That's right.

Those bastards killed a lot of people.

They blew up my country.

They murdered my nan.

My nan's sister.

- Your great aunt?
- No!

Why do people keep saying that?

Right, my great-grandmother is my nan's mum,

so why would her sister be my great aunt?

No, just shut up!

Christ!

The point is, we're fighting back.

Now, we need a man on the inside.
Or a woman. Or a woman.

But it just so happens you're a man...

as we saw.

Though, to be clear,
we are an equal-opportunities militia.

Look, I'm sure you're a great resistance,

doing some great resisting...

but I just don't want to get involved.

No, no.

You already are, mate.

No, the job is temporary.
I was blackmailed.

Well, I wasn't blackmailed.

I mean the video.

You already struck the first blow.

That bit when the light came down,
I pissed myself.

What?

- Yeah.
- So good.

Fuck.

Fuck.
I've uploaded the wrong file.

Shit.
I've got to go. I've got to go.

Can someone give me a lift?

Okay.

Yeah, here's fine.
Yeah.

Here's fine. I'll just get off.
Yeah. Here's fine.

Yeah, thanks.
Yeah.

We'll be in touch.

Don't.
There's no point, so...

Yeah. No, thank you.
Psycho.

Hey, come on.
That's it. You've got this.

There we are.

Greggs!

There's been...

I think I'm going to take a break.

you know, for a bit,
just get away for a few...

We'd like to have a word with you.

It's all very well saying...
whatever it is you are saying,

but you have humiliated us,

and we really can't have that, can we?

What is he saying?

I think he's saying "accident."

Or "excellent."

I don't think he'd be saying "excellent."

He is, like all of them,
saying whatever he thinks

will stop me pressing "eject,"
which is futile.

You played us for fools, Stewart.

This cannot stand.

What?

Right.

Let's do this, shall we?

Are we absolutely sure about this?

I mean, it's just, up to this point,

Stewart seems to have been
a pretty standout specimen.

I like you, too.

He's undermined your command.
We must be emphatic in our response.

Yes, true.

I might just turn around, though.

Yeah.
Likes.

What?

I think people like it.

"TBH, they seem like a bit of a laugh, LOL."

"Perhaps they not all W@nkers."

- "...nkers"?
- Look, the number's going up.

Why would anyone like this?

They're mostly stupid, the people,

and this makes us look stupid,

so maybe it's somehow helps us seem more...
human.

Perhaps...

Perhaps he's still useful after all.

Does anybody want that, or...?

Is there a way to have the frothy one

without anything issued from
the teat of a living mammal?

- Oat milk.
- Oat. Yes, please.

And a bap.

Tell me about stil-ton.

What is wrong with them?

Morning.

- You look a bit peaky.
- Yeah. Got a hangover, so...

Also, someone tried to flush me into space.

Different trousers?

Yeah.

Someone tried to flush me into space.

There you are.

It would appear we have gone "viral."

That's TikTok, Insta, Facebook,
top trend on Twitter.

- YouTube's at 18.9 and counting.
- So, that's good?

Well, it's no Gangnam Style,
but a solid Charlie Bit My Finger.

It's good.

Your Majesty.

Okay.

Someone from ITV.

Is that...?
Is that good?

Bits of it.

We are live, ladies and gentlemen!

That's right, we are back,

and tonight we have our first guest
from an entirely different species.

Well,
at least since Nicolas Cage came on the show.

So...
have you travelled far?

Right.
We all good in here?

Everyone knows the running order, yeah?

Your lot, are they okay?

I'm not...
We're not...

No, we're fine.
Thank you.

Actually, can I just check?

Am I right in thinking I'm on after...

Wet Pocket feat. EZ Rydas?

You?

Look, the booking was only for
the one actually in the video.

Yes, that's me.

No, the other one.

Surely it's still good for PR.

- Have you even met him?
- No, we're not the enemy.

- Right. We're rulers.
- Yes.

Well, no, we're in charge.
Not... Not rulers.

I mean, we're not overlords.

Well, we are, but it's a partnership.

Right.

Yeah. Equal partners.
Well, not equal.

We've got the big gun.

- But don't mention the gun.
- Right.

- I think underline...
- Now, you listen to me.

You screw this up...

- ...and I'll make you wish you'd never been hatched.
- ...and a fresh approach...

- I don't care...
- ...to all the things they do that are so stupid.

But don't say "stupid."
Don't call them stupid.

- ...through a black hole, time itself will be sucked...
- Maybe unevolved.

- ...out of your anus...
- No. Backward. Oh, no.

- ...inside out, again and again...
- Focus on progress.

I think you should just be yourself,
you know?

They're just...
people.

Just picture everyone naked.
I think that's what they say.

Okay, we're three minutes out,

so if you could all just
leave him to make-up.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You got this, mate.

Thanks...

mate.

So, it's safe to say
you've had a very interesting week...

- ...have you not?
- Yes.

No.

Have I not?

No, I have.

Can you repeat the question?

I'm just saying that your face
has been everywhere this week

with that incredible clip.

Ladies and gentlemen,
have you seen the video?

Yeah!

What we all want to know is,
how did that come about?

I shot myself in the foot.

What are the chances?

Well, I've shot a lot of things before,

but never me.

Mainly people.

When we arrived,
I shot quite a lot of people.

Right.

Yeah, about that,

do you think the video
has changed public perceptions

of you as a species?

I suppose it's made us seem less scary and...
more stupid.

Not stupid.

No. No, we can be stupid.
We shouldn't call you stupid.

You're backward.

You should be naked.

Can I see you naked?

I've got a gun.
Don't mention the gun.

Shit.
Left it on my desk.

That's all we have time for,
ladies and gentlemen.

Let's all give it up for Greggs...
here.

Yeah.

Is that your real name?

No.
No.

Actually, my real name is...

- No!
- No!

I mean, what the hell?!

I know... I know...
It was... It was non-ideal.

You made us look like big bag of cocks.

Yes, I know.

It reflects on us all,
and it has been dealt with.

But it keeps happening!

Well, I mean, we felt that...
I mean, what we thought...

What we felt...
PR...

I think what Premier Trater is trying to say

is we greatly regret this sorry episode

and are placing tighter controls
on the dissemination of information

and, well, everything.

Well, starting...

Now!

Right now.

It wasn't his fault.

I know, but we can't look weak.

Where there is weakness,
there will be people to exploit it.

But we've already won, remember?

Have we?

What's that?

Is that...?
Is that two As?

I'm not sure, but it's everywhere.

Best guess, rebels.

- But what do they want?
- To take back control.

Jesus Christ!

- How did you get in?
- Back window. It was open.

- No, it wasn't. I broke in.
- Hey?

- Sorry.
- Right.

Apparently, we smashed the window.

- Hey?
- I broke a vase.

And we broke a vase.

I did say we should wait in the van.

- What do you want?
- Information.

Rumour has it you've been to the mothership.

Yeah,
they were going to throw me out of it...

- ...if that's what you mean.
- Yeah, but you've seen the inside.

- Yeah, of an airlock!
- They'll have plans.

What did you say, pantsuit?

They'll have floor plans to the mothership

saved in their system.

He has access to the system.

I recognise you.

Were you in Line Of Duty?

I...

I was the Minister for Defence.

That's right.
In Line Of Duty.

In the government.

Yeah, well, not anymore.
You're just here to observe, so pipe down!

But, yeah,
you will need to get us those plans.

How?

Why?

Because if we can get
a complete technical readout of the ship,

we may be able to find a weakness...
and exploit it.

There might be a small thermal exhaust port

that leads directly to the reactor core.

A precise strike
could start a chain reaction.

- Isn't that the plan from Star Wars?
- I don't think so.

It sounds really similar.
It definitely is.

Well, I...
I haven't seen Star Wars, so it can't be.

All I know is we've got to
show these blue bastards

that they can't just waltz in here
and make themselves at home!

Hello? Don't mind me.
Just going to my room.

What a day, Stewart. Honestly.
It dragged and dragged.

Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi.

It's not...
It's not what it looks like.

They moved...
They moved him in, so I didn't have a choice.

Sorry.

Me again.
Hello.

Stewart, sorry.

Who's this?

This is...

These are mates.

Mates?
Cool!

Hello.
I'm... I'm Greggs.

I'm...
I'm Stewart's mate.

W... Wade.
Wayne!

No, no. Dan. Dan.
Yeah, Dan.

Dan. Danny.
Daniel. Daniel.

- Anyway, we should be heading...
- No, don't be daft!

- No. No, no, no, no. Stay! Stay!
- No, really...

No, no, no, no.
You must... You must have a drink.

We're all...
We're all mates here.

I think I've got a bottle of
Arcalien still somewhere.

- No, really, we should be...
- Oh, no. Shush.

No, really...
We should be...

No, no, no, no, no!

He's living in the bloody house!

Don't.
Don't.

- Oh, no.
- Honestly, we need to be... We...

- Come on. Just one.
- No, no...

We like one each.

- Yeah.
- Really?

No, no.
Honestly...

Honestly...
Trust me.

One each.

Stew? Stewart?
Your funeral.

- No. I'm not...
- Okay. Okay.

- Well, right... To mates.
- To mates.

- That's...
- Oh, no...

What did you do?

There's no music.

- What is this stuff?
- I'm not talking to you.

Why?
'Cos of your stiffy?

No.
Because you lied.

I did what I had to do.
The world's changed, Stewart.

We've been invaded by aliens.

I didn't spot that.

It's just they're...
they're trying to live alongside us peacefully.

- So why are they in charge, then?
- I don't know.

But we are where we are,
and there's no point crying about it.

We're not crying about it.

- We're fighting back.
- Well, leave me out of it.

- I don't want to take sides.
- It's not about taking sides.

It's about standing up for what's right,

and if you can't see that,

then I have to wonder whose side you're on.

I wouldn't...

I own a pub, Stewart.
I think I can handle it.

Come on, dance with me!

- There's no music. There isn't any music.
- Dance with me!

- Come dance with me!
- There isn't any music.

Fine.

I think she wants to be mates.

Not mates like we're mates,
but, like, mate-mates.

She wants you to spray her eggs...

All right.
Yeah, yeah.

Is this stuff okay for humans to drink?

What?

Can you please put that somewhere safe?

Yes, I know...
Gordan. Overreaction.

Just relax, man.
Relax.

It's all good.
Forget what I said before.

Forget it.
Forget all about it.

You know...

- Gone.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Thank God, that's good.

Until tomorrow,
when you're going to give me those plans!

Your little blue friend there
is going to learn all about

the sort of people
that you like to pwarty...

party with.

"Pwarty with"?
Party with. Party with. Party with!

But not for now.
Not for now.

No, no, no, no, no.
Enjoy the night.

Have a drink. Go crazy.
All right?

I don't think I'm going to have a drink.

You should really try
some of that alien shit.

Really messes with your concept of time.

Fuck.

Am I already here?

Yeah.

When did we get chips?

What are you doing here?!

We should get chips!

Surprise!

Right.
My turn.

This is a Territory 78 announcement.

Entry only given by DNA...

Halt!
Who goes there?

- "Who goes there"?
- That is what they say.

- That is what they say.
- Never heard one say that.

Sorry, what's going on here?

New security protocols.
Gordan's orders.

There's a list and everything.

- What, seriously?
- Yeah.

No, it's all been tightened up.

- He's got us on double shifts.
- No-one's happy about it.

- We wanted to go to Cromer today.
- I really want to see a crab.

- Yeah.
- But why?

Well, I heard that they walk sideways

and they've got these snippy little fingers
that they use...

No. No.
Why all this?

This is a bit awkward...
You're not cleared.

I can't...
I can't tell you.

I'm advisor to the Premier.

Yeah, well, according to this,
your security clearance is green.

- So...
- Red.

- What?
- He's red.

No, that's what I'm pointing at.
I'm pointing at that.

That's red.

That... That is green.
Look at it.

- Are you colour-blind?
- Well, I just...

- How are you seeing green?
- Do you know...?

Yeah.
Can I just...? Can I just...?

- Yeah, sorry. Sorry.
- I'll just squeeze through the queue.

Okay. All right.
Look, I'm picking...

Right, what is that?
What is that?

- See that there? What colour is that?
- The one in the middle?

Yeah, the middle. Yeah.
What colour is that?

Red.

Actual "wow."

I'm worried about you.
I'm actually worried about you.

- Worry about yourself.
- What?

You've got two problems...
Your eyesight and your attitude.

Morning!

What's going on?

Well,
thanks to your disastrous foray into live television,

the Sector Premier has finally seen sense.

Territory 78 will henceforth
be ruled with an iron fist...

my iron fist...

and I am very much looking forward to
doing a lot of iron fisting.

That doesn't mean
what I think you think it means.

- Silence, Earthling!
- Yeah.

You're playing in my sandpit now,

and you can forget your social media,
your free speech.

There will be a single broadcast channel

to disseminate state-approved information...

approved by me...

and our glorious leader.

Okay.
Yeah, I get it.

You're...
You're pissed off.

But this isn't how
you get folk on your side.

They won't take this from you.

You're so right.

They won't take it...

from me.

Your first broadcast will be tomorrow.

I've taken the liberty
of preparing your script.

- Feel free to scroll through.
- Jesus!

I look forward to ignoring your thoughts.

- No way. I won't do it.
- Let me put it another way.

It's my way or the die way.

That's...
That's not a phrase.

It is now!

I'm telling you,
it's connected to the mains.

Don't be ridiculous.
Just pull it out.

- You pull it out.
- No way!

- I think it's made of glass.
- Come on.

What next?
It's too hot?

It does feel hot.

Hey!

I'm just going to...
I'm going to go just drain the...

I'm going to go to the toilet.

Urine or faeces?

Urine.

Right.

Well, actually, I might...

I might sit down, you know,
just sort of see what happens.

I might get lucky.

- I like him.
- Yeah, he's quite nice.

Shit.

- Hodge!
- Hello?

- Yeah, it's Stewart.
- Who?

- Stewart.
- Which Stewart?

- It's the only Stewart.
- Right, him.

I've been into the basement

and I can't seem to get
any network signal...

- ...so I was just...
- Probably a black spot.

Yeah, I know.
Bloody black spots.

Well, I was just wondering
if you could pop down and have a...?

- Sure. Why not?
- Yes. That's amazing. Thank you.

- Yeah. Thanks, Steve.
- Great, thanks.

- What are you doing?
- Jesus!

Nothing! Nothing.
I was...

I was looking for my shoe.
There it is.

Thanks.

- Why are you looking at that?
- I'm not.

That's the mothershi...

- You're spying?
- I'm not. I'm not spying. I'm not.

- I've left it on my desk.
- What?

Guards!

If I go down, you're coming down with me.

What?

There.
See?

I don't remember...!

Oh, no.

They're not mates.
They're they AAA.

The "Yay, yay, yay"?

The AAA.
The Anti-Alien Alliance.

The resistance.

And to be honest, this doesn't look good.

But I didn't know that!

Well, says you.

And, well, look whose hat you're wearing.

Look, I didn't...
I didn't take anything.

Wait, there's nothing on it.

In fact, take it.

See?

And I'm getting out tonight of the AAA.

I didn't even want in.

We can just go out that door

and then pretend that nothing ever happened.

All right?

Go back to, you know,
what we're loosely calling normal.

What do you say...
mate?

Sorry.
Just needed somewhere private.

Yeah.
Just wanted to see what it was like.

Yeah, I get it.

No.

Did you get it?

I couldn't.

- Dick!
- I did try!

It's like North Korea over there.
They've had a crackdown.

- There's guards everywhere.
- So?

You just create a distraction on the roof

to divert the authorities

while you drill into the vault,
collect the...

Is that Die Hard?

I wouldn't know.
Haven't seen it.

Look, I almost got caught today.

And if it's all the same to you,

I'd rather not be flushed out into space,
so I'm done.

Stewart!

This is war,
and the first casualty of war...

Look, he tried, all right?

Yeah, well, not hard enough.

Yes, but you said that he'd be safe.

Well, why don't you marry him
if you don't want him...

dead so much.

- What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- It means...

There is a way where everyone can win.

Pipe down, Marie Claire.

It's a woman's fashion magazine.

- It doesn't matter.
- Yeah.

I went to our local library today...

Well, that'll win the war.

...and found the blueprints

for the Clitheroe Borough Council building.

All right.
Let's hear it then, Eisenstein.

Even with the lockdown in place,

I think we can get into the compound

and get the mothership plans for ourselves.

But we need someone to open the hatch.

Someone on the inside.

Me?

It would just be the tiniest thing,

and then you would be able to go,
with our thanks.

So, he gets us in and we get the plans.

Yes, precisely.

Right.

I... I don't...
I don't know.

Well, we'll need to thrash it all out,
of course.

Sleep on it, perhaps.

Maybe don't leave on your own.

It might arouse suspicion.

Say you're meeting a friend.

Yeah, sure.

Right, come on, then.

We will be in touch.

See you soon.

I... I may not like you...
And I mean politicians, not...

Well, both.

But...
as plans go, I have to say...

No, that was all bullshit, I'm afraid.

Well, you know, sort of half bullshit.

Right.
What?

No, no...
We still need our little friend to get us in.

- But your Star Wars plan...
- It's not from Star Wars.

It was a bit of a long shot.

I mean, if we really want to send a message,

then I think we need to be a little bit more...
direct.

You reckon?

Those bastards destroyed my home.

My second home.

They killed your nana
and your nana's sister.

It's my great aunt.

I googled it.

Right, then.
I think we deserve a bit of payback.

Tom, who was that guy you knew?

"The Milkman."

We call him that because he always delivers.

Excellent.

Put us down for crate of Gold Top.

- You mean guns?
- Yes, I mean guns.

Hi, mate.

I got you one.

Got a job.

Two jobs, actually.

Messing them both up.

So, if you've got any advice...

Because I don't know what to do.

About what?

What the hell?!
What are you doing?

I heard you leave.
Checking you're all right.

Yeah, checking up on me, more like.

No, really.

I just came here to think.

Who are you talking to?

- Oh, my God. Get off.
- What? What?

Oh, my God.
Look what you've done!

It's just a tin.

It's not just a tin, it's a mate,
and you keep crushing him.

Don't push me.

I'm going to push you
because this is my planet.

We're sharing it.

That's not how you share!
Right, look...

- I said don't push.
- I'm going to push you.

Stop!
Don't push me!

- Yeah?
- This teach you to share?

I'm going to teach you to share!

Right.

Is this where he lived, then?
Your mate?

No.
This is a castle.

It's just where we'd come to hang out, chat.

Until you ruined it.

Well, it was already a bit ruined.

- Shut up.
- Sorry...

...about your mate.

You know where I go to think?

Fucking hell.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Most aren't.

Most are either toxic gas giants or on fire.

Or both.

You seen a lot, then?

One was just frozen acid.

Almost gave up hope.

And then...

We didn't want a war.
Well, most of us.

Didn't...
Didn't feel like that.

We just wanted to survive.

- So do we.
- I know.

- Not so different. I think we get along.
- Yeah.

Then why can't we?

Get along?

I mean, look at us.

- We literally just had a fight.
- Yeah.

But, you know, now we're fine.

We're talking.

Why can't it be like that down there?

Stop the war, get around a table.

War's over.
We won.

Come on.
I mean, if the war is over,

then why am I still fighting it...
on both sides?

And so are you.

- You mean the resistance?
- And your lot.

It's all still just us and them.

I say we stop playing that game.

Start pulling apart.
Start pulling together.

You and me.

And I know it's a long shot,
but if we don't try,

we might never find it.

Find what?

Peace.

To peace.

To peace.

Shit.

- Do you want another?
- No, I'll...

Now, what we do...

It's all in there.

This way.

All loaded...

and ready to go.

Right.
Well, as quick as you can.

I've got to start me round in a minute.

So you're actually a milkman?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Did you need any orange juice?

No, no.
Not today.

Just the guns.

This isn't "sleeping on it."

I needed to talk to you.
It's urgent.

You better come in, then.

Sorry.
It's a weird horse door.

We need to talk.

We certainly do.

"Peace"?

Yeah.
By which I mean...

I know what peace is.

I was the Minister for War...
Defence.

But these things are
notoriously difficult to hammer out.

And that's when you're dealing with
the same species.

Look, I know it's a long shot...

but do you not think
before you go start a whole other war,

we should at least give it a try?

And, yeah,
I know they're weird and they're difficult,

and they make no sense...

but nor do we.

And I, despite every effort not to be,

am basically working both sides.

I can get everyone around a table,
and we can get on.

I've seen it myself.

I think I can do this.

I just need a little help.

I think I'm going to need a bigger table.

Yeah,
I think they just want a Gu'un face there,

you know,
just to show that there's willing on both sides.

You did speak to them?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, in theory, yeah.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

- Just a big day.
- Don't be daft.

It's only saving the world.

- You all right?
- Yeah. Sorry.

What's happened?

Is it the bloody Wi-Fi?

Black spots!

Come on!
Curses!

Oh, shit. Balls.
Hang on.

Horse door.

But...
they're bigger than that.

No second thoughts?

Oh, shit.

Hello again.

Is he armed?

No.
No?

It's on my desk.

- No.
- Good.

That makes this a lot easier.

- Oh, my God!
- What the hell are you doing?

- You bastard.
- Me?!

I didn't know about this!

Frisk him.

You...

Seriously, Greggs,
I had no idea about any of this.

Get off me!

- He's wearing a wire.
- You bastard!

- It wasn't plugged in.
- You're a spy.

No, I'm...
Wait a minute.

- You're a spy!
- Well, that's different!

Can someone tell me
what the hell is going on?

We need to get into that office,

and since Stewart's gone all
"save the children" on us,

we need to adjust our plans.

Sorry.

- Do you not want to save the children?
- Not really.

She's just saying,
since you wouldn't give us a hand,

looks like we're going to have to take one.

What?

Now, those door pad things,

does it matter which hand we use?

No, no!
No-one is cutting anything's hand off.

He'll get us inside.

You'll get us inside, right?

No, no, no.
None for her.

- Why not?
- Too close to the enemy.

I don't trust her.

We need a getaway driver.

Someone we can trust.

Can we stop doing hello hands?
My fingers are getting tingly.

- I'm not talking to you.
- You're not talking to me?

I should be the one not talking to you.

You got me into this mess.

- I thought we were mates.
- Mates?

You were wearing a wire.
Mates don't wear wires.

It's the exact reason
I'm not talking to you.

"You double-crossed me"...

is what I would say if we were talking.

"No, I didn't,"
is what I'd reply if we were talking.

"Oh, yeah, 'Trust me,'
says the double agent"...

would be my brilliant retort
if this were a conversation.

Right, no talking!

- We're not!
- We're not!

It's show time.

This is a Territory 78 announcement.

Human employees
must report to Sub-commander Gordan.

Entry will be given by DNA identity.

What's all this?

- Just some mates.
- Mates?

What, as in mate-mates?
As in...?

No, no, no.
Just mates.

More of a...
They're a...

Plumbers.
Yeah.

He said his real name to some humans,

and now the toilets need some attention.

Up on three.

- Are there toilets up on three?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- There's...
- Yeah.

- There's...
- Seventeen.

...seventeen.

One, two, three...

...five, six, seven, eight, nine...

...thirteen, fourteen, fifteen...
No. Yeah.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, cool. Okay.
- Yeah.

- All right?
- All right?

- Stew Pot.
- Hey, this guy!

All right? All right?
Hello. Hello.

No, I'm saying it wasn't our Wi-Fi.

The signal wasn't lost.
It was cut off.

Shit.

Is that the red cord in the toilet?

Don't know.

Get down!
Get your weapon down now!

All right, move!
Move!

For Nana!

Oh, my God!

"Ow," so much!

They're bloody paintball guns!

Whose idea was that?

- Dammit. Eleven per cent!
- Seven!

- Got it. I'm fully charged.
- God, I hate Earth!

Fucking planet!

We need backup!

We need a transporter.

- A transporter, here.
- We'll put one in.

- Yeah.
- We'll put one in.

Your gun!

That's far enough!

Where are the keys?

Should we?

- Feels like we should.
- Yeah.

Well, it's almost too easy.

Ready?

Get in!

How much charge have you got?

I've got nothing.
I'm all out.

Four per cent.

Should be just enough at this range.

Goodbye, traitor.

What?

Freeze!

Hang on.
I know you.

Yes, that's right.

Six weeks ago, you took this from me.

Well, now I'm taking it back.

- What do you want?
- Well, there's this great big...

...horrible, ugly grey thing
hanging around in our lower orbit.

I thought it'd be a great idea
to fire all our missiles at it.

But that's futile.

You might get a lucky shot in,
hit the thermal exhaust port

that leads to the reactor core,
but we'd retaliate.

This entire island
would be wiped off the map.

You still lose.

Better we both lose than you win.

Nobody pushes Britain around.

- Not you, not your ship, not Brussels.
- The vegetable?

Go now!

Let him go.

What?

We're all going to die, right?

Let him be with his kind.

If you're really doing this for us,
humanity, show some.

Take me.

Stay back.
No, no. That's far enough.

Do you know the codes?

Minister for War.

- Defence.
- Same thing.

It's their fault, you know.
All of it.

The second they arrived,
this was inevitable.

- What about peace?
- That never lasts.

You want something final,
you have to do it yourself.

All warheads green to go.

Goodbye, Stewart.

- Black spot.
- No!

You lose!

Hey.
Here he is.

How did it go?

Yeah.

- I think I did okay.
- Yeah.

I'm proud of you, mate.

Is that for me?

Maybe.

But not just yet.

Are you awake?

Hey.

Sorry.
I just wanted to plug my phone in.

- Yeah.
- And there you go.

Yeah.

Hello, sleepyhead.

Sorry, I hope you don't mind.

Your friend said it would be okay.

So, we're afraid you're going to die.

What?

Sorry. No, we were afraid you were going to die.
Sorry.

I'm still actually struggling with the apostrophes,
but, no,

apparently you are going to be fine.

The pulse weapon was barely charged.

Lucky, really.

The fully charged one
would have just liquefied your skull.

No, but seriously, we do, I think,

owe you a huge debt of gratitude, don't we?

Well, he was in league with the...

But, yes.

Yes, of course.

Obviously, we're keeping your position open,

but no rush to get back,

although we are having an issue
with something called HS2.

No, I mean, it can wait.
Whenever you're ready.

Hey, mate.

Yeah.
I brought you some flour.

No, that's not the...

Shit it.

Thanks, mate.

Well...

- What about the other rebels?
- Rounded up, mostly.

- I mean, a couple got away.
- We're making enquiries.

A bit of a wake-up call, though.

We realise we can't leave
all these nuclear missiles just lying around,

so we finally,
finally reached that agreement.

What, disarmament?

Well, kind of.

We're actually going to fire them...
into the sun.

Should be quite a show.

Grieves!
What about Grieves?

Oh, yes.
Rather a problematic outlook.

Interesting character, but, you know...

I think, however, we have found a way

of giving her a different perspective.

Seemed happy enough.

Brothers and sisters,

we may be down, but we are not defeated.

This is just the beginning.

Mark my words, I'll be back.

Terminator, right?

I wouldn't know. I haven't seen it.
Nah.