We Are No Angels (1975) - full transcript
Great comedy western with the usual fight scenes, downhill road race, boxing match, love interests, and a grand prize to make the winners richer than they good possibly imagine.
- (film reel clicking)
( shredding rock music)
♫ Oh mommy
♫ Do you hear me
♫ I say, you double last the
double oh the double beat
♫ You what
♫ I'd like the double
bar another (mumbles)
♫ Oh oh
(cheerful ragtime music)
♫ Oh, mommy my!
♫ Oh, mommy my!
(growling)
- Hey, watch your hose!
Oh!
- Oh, sorry.
- Bet you musta growled
just like that when
you went into the ring,
eh, against Black Bill.
- No, only when I finished.
- They called him the
Nebraska Jawbreaker, what an
unforgettable fight.
You know how I can remember
it, at the odds they gave.
I took a flyer with two weeks' pay.
Old Black Bull, he'd flatten
many a good opponent,
but he had never been in the
ring with a real champion.
I bet all he had to do was
look into your eyes, and get
knocked out by the glare.
(people yelling and cheering)
(splash)
(laughing)
- Hey, pull up your
pants they're all full!
(laughing)
- Watch his eyelids, his eyelids!
He's about to go, look!
It' the third round, go get him, Raph!
- Right.
(slam)
(thud)
(smack)
- [Angel] Think of the the 3000 dollars!
- Huh?
- Three, Raph!
(smacking)
- Hey McDonald!
(slam)
(groans)
You're wanted on the telephone!
(screams)
(slam)
(yells)
(crash)
- Don't hit the referee, hit Black Bull!
(smacking)
(slam)
(slam)
(slam)
(crowd booing)
1500 each, yay!
- The winner (smack).
(crash)
- He did it!
- And that was the kiss of Judas.
Did you ever see any of that 3000 dollars?
No, well neither did I.
- I should have known there
was some screw job somewhere.
Else you wouldn't be here tightening bolts
from morning 'till night.
- Okay, take it away!
- You're next on the grease pit, mister.
Careful, straight ahead.
- Oh!
- Howdy.
- [Mechanic Assistant] Ain't that?
- Judas.
- [Angel] Oh oh.
- Come here you.
I'll break you in two!
- Wait a minute!
Let me explain, I'll tell ya everything.
- You shoulda told me
three months ago you thief!
- Fight, fight!
(crashing)
- [Angel] Damn it, he's gone crazy!
- [Raph] Crazy?
What do you expect?
(crashing)
Swindler!
Where's my 1500?
- How can I tell you?
Let me explain.
- [Raph] You don't have
to, new dapper and car!
- Her name is Caroline.
You like horns, these are
Smith and Wesson, best.
- And I'm the best car wrecker.
- Hey!
- Caroline's not mine.
- The hell you say!
I'm gonna rip it, I'm gonna smash it!
Thief!
- Halt!
- Huh?
- Thief maybe, but honest.
This car's in both our names.
That's the truth, Raph.
- What's this all about underneath?
- Underneath?
- Underneath your fast talking.
Another one of your
hare-brained schemes to leave
us with our asses hanging out, right?
- Oh, I admit I had trouble
recuperating one slight
investment or two, but this
time I bought a concession,
a franchise for both of us.
All you have to do is
leave everything to me,
and be good to little brother.
(splashing)
Sorry, as I was saying,
I bought this concession
for public transport, we got it made.
Oh oh.
- Brother, I'll make you a concession.
The car stays, and you'll be there!
Get out of here, or I'll break you!
(crash)
- Beg your pardon.
- Kindly explain what's
wrong with McDonald?
He's our cleanest craftsman.
- Far from a craftsman and
clean, this McDonald is a scum.
- Scum?
You're, you're fired.
- No I'm not, I quit!
(crashing)
(banging)
The minute that rascal
stuck his nose in here.
(smack)
- This is the first and
last time I put my face
in this filthy place.
(huffs)
(cheerful ragtime music)
Music lessons, if at the
time I'd left you the 1500,
that's all you would have bought.
- Well at least I'd know how to play.
- Ah, wait 'till I've doubled
your capital, then piddle
away your money on music lessons.
Like me to account for the expenditures?
(silly car horn honking)
Huh?
- Yeah, 500 for the car, and then what?
- That was just the beginning.
To by the concession cost
me a couple of thousand.
As for the engine, 500.
That makes three grand.
Every scent of Black
Bill's magic counted for.
- Your accounts always work out,
but I never see a cent.
- Oh this time, no it's all arranged.
It's organized, right Caroline?
- Listen, if you don't
tell me what's going
on right now, I'm getting out,
after I've smashed you.
- I'll explain it, High
Falls is a little city I know
in the mountains.
High Falls is miles away from a train.
Use imagination, transport
the passengers and merchandise
out of High Falls to the
train, and vice versa with
Caroline, see?
(cheerful marching band music)
- That's enough!
It has been rumored that
the progressives are meeting
in secret to plot against
the conservatives,
against the very men who
founded this country!
Who brought it wealth and fertility.
And to them I say, I say,
- Mala tempora currunt.
- Mala tempora currunt
for the progressives!
(clapping)
(goofy synthesizer music)
- It's for the mayor's house.
Three crocks he's busted, one month.
- When I speak you must applaud!
(slamming)
(laughing)
(clapping)
(toilet flushing)
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, what do I do now?
- I say applaud!
(funky ominous music)
(clapping)
(smash)
- Why aren't you applaudin' huh?
- I'm not from these parts.
(smash)
- Ooh.
(boing)
(creaking)
- Read this, it's the synthesis.
- The what?
- Eh, the compendium, the substratum.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, the...
- What it really is is
the summary of the speech.
- I remind the progressives
that in as much as the
railroad passes a hundred
miles from here, any other
mechanical transportation
must keep its distance
from our confinium.
And whosoever dares to cross it,
(whoosh)
will get his guts blown out
by a, a, pumperdick horn.
(horn music)
(cheerful ragtime music)
(whistling)
(coughs)
- 2000 for a concession,
okay, but I got a sneakin'
suspicion that 500 dollars
for fixin' Caroline--
- Is what?
- Is still in your pocket.
- If you don't trust me,
you can check and see.
- Just what I'm gonna do.
- Hey, Raph, no!
(rustling)
No, not my long johns!
- [Raph] Okay, keep 'em,
they got no pockets.
- [Angel] Thanks.
- Where is it, where'd you hide that
500 dollars, you swindler?
- Hey, wait, wait, will you?
Don't leave me naked
you dumbbell, come here!
- Grandma, look at that nasty thing.
- What?
Oh, I'll report you, report your for
outraging public decency.
- Oh, and what's she doing?
She's looking.
You can't even drive.
(crowd shouting out)
(crowd laughing)
(tearing)
(laughs)
- Caroline's too small for me.
- Your case is too big, why
don't you get a smaller one?
- Oh, shut up.
What do you know about music?
- Tell me something, in
whose name is Caroline?
- In both of ours.
- It means she's half mine and half yours.
- Right, so?
- You're on my side, so move.
I always said we could get along since we
have the same mother, but
with different fathers.
Mama was a Spanish lady
and Catholic to boot.
What made her marry a Scotch
Presbyterian, I wonder?
- [Raph] From what I've
heard, your English dad was
no choir boy.
- [Angel] What do you mean?
That's where they met, in church.
- [Raph] So that's where I got jinxed.
(cheerful ragtime music)
(bang)
- Now what's the matter?
- [Raph] Where the hell are we?
- I'll explain, the
concession's paid for, and this
spot here goes with our franchise.
We open our agency here, and
we'll make a lot of money.
- I just can't swallow the cost
of repairing Caroline's engine.
- Have you got that printed up here?
To haul a caravan with
freight an people, Caroline's
horsepower needed a boost, that's what our
profits depend on, otherwise
we won't make a penny.
- If we don't make a profit, we've had it.
- This time everything'll work out.
And you just get it through
your head, that if it
wasn't for me, you know what'd happen?
You'd go back to that grease hole.
(crashing)
- [Raph] Yeah, well look
at you, you're already
in a privy hole.
- But I'm the first to use it.
Hey, there wasn't one here.
There wasn't one there, either.
I wonder who dug them.
- A big mole.
- Yeah, big as you.
(mechanical squeaking)
- Howdy strangers. (laughs)
Howdy! (laughs)
Howdy.
- Eh, what are you doing here?
- Power drillin'.
- What are you drilling for?
- China, if I can bore through! (laughs)
Get it, stranger?
No?
I was just jokin'.
But there's plenty up
in High Falls like you,
thinking I'm a fool.
I know that's your impression too.
- Oh, no.
- Well, I'm not mad.
But only a fool would look
for Mongolian molasses
here, that's petroleum.
- Mongolian?
- Molasses.
- Yes, the female of the big mole.
- Oh no, by the way, though.
You haven't told me your names yet.
- Mine is Angel, and his is Raphael.
(lullaby instrumental music)
- Mine is Archangel.
- [Angel] That makes three of us, eh Raph?
- Uh huh, seems like we landed in Heaven.
- Oh not yet we haven't.
High Falls is in Heaven.
- [Professor] Oh, would you
fellas give me a ride to town?
Musicians, huh?
- [Raph] I am, he has a tin ear.
- [Professor] I'm leader of the town band.
- [Angel] You should let Raph
play a solo with the band
instead of himself.
- [Raph] I'm getting mad.
- [Angel] I'm getting out.
- [Raph] Sit down.
- [Professor] You two
fight like progressives and
conservatives up at High Falls.
(horn honking)
- [Angel] Progress is regress.
Ha, they like jokes in these parts.
(people chattering)
(peaceful music)
(sheep bleets)
- Okay, you're one up on me.
(laughing)
(peaceful jazz music)
(horns honking)
- Nice and shiny.
- And it toots.
- Hey mister, how come it goes so fast?
- 80 horses inside.
- Hmm, a big guy like that's
still telling baby stories.
(laughing)
(banging)
(funky ominous music)
(dripping)
- Oh, hey Raph, you see what he did?
Okay, okay, it's in my half.
But she's in both our names.
(whistling)
Cut that out and give me a hand.
(horn honking)
With this many, you gonna ditch me?
- [Thug] Give him a hand, Slim.
- There are already too
many horns in the town band.
(squish)
- [Angel] No, no.
(smack)
They're delicate instruments,
you'll ruin them!
(smack)
Think what I've had to pay for these.
(thugs laughing)
Oh hey Raph, see what he did?
- [Thug] I reckon' he's distracted.
(splattering)
Look here.
- [Angel] The music.
- Now you look.
(bang)
(thud)
(instrumental rock music)
(popping)
(smacking)
- [Thug] Take off his glasses.
- [Gangster] Get 'em off, them off!
(smack)
(bashing)
- Hey.
(boom)
- Strike.
- What is it?
- (laughs) Nothing.
(bashing)
(shouts)
(laughs)
- You again?
- (Laughs) Just wanna
tell you, she's dusty.
- Hmm, come here a sec.
(bang)
(bang)
(bashing)
- Help Raph!
(smack)
Help!
(thugs cry out)
(growls)
(men screaming)
(smack)
Watch it.
Watch the left, watch the right.
(banging)
- Wait.
- [Wily] Hit 'em.
- [Polly] Stop it, Willy.
Andy's scared.
(bash)
(man screaming)
(thud)
- All's well that ends well, I say.
- There we go.
Revised and corrected.
(smack)
Take it to headquarters.
(crowd applause)
- At last, a real man.
- And the very least you
two-fisted progressives
can expect from Evelyn,
is to have her invite you
over, and join us for dinner.
- Did I hear right?
- Yeah.
- [Polly] Willy's coming too.
- That girl's just like her father.
He was a fine mayor, and
High Falls was a fine town.
'Till that scalawag Shark.
Forced him into an early
grave with a broken heart.
Diving peaceable folks into
opposing parties, Conservatives
loyal to Shark, and us
who are progressive.
(laughs) Let's eat.
- Indeed, progress brings violence.
- I've been a regular
boarder here quite awhile.
I moved here last Mayday.
That's when my grandma went to glory.
- Sis?
- [Linda] Yes?
- Set another two places,
we've got company.
- [Linda] I'll be right there.
(peaceful music)
- My sister Linda, I'm Evelyn.
- Angel and Raphael, but he prefers to
be called Raph.
He's no angel, look at that beard.
- Come on.
I'll give you a hand.
- Oh, yes.
- I'll serve it.
Vegetable soup, she makes it
better than my grandmother did.
(laughs)
(clink)
- Oh, a fly.
Don't worry, I'll get it out for ya.
- [Angel] I'll get it, Professor.
- [Professor] Soup's too
good to pass up for a fly.
- It's not for the fly, he's vegetarian.
He'd like to kill people
who kill animals to eat.
It's true.
- Children. (tsks)
- Linda, let's have dessert and coffee.
- How could you eat all those eggs?
- The secret is to swallow them whole.
- Oh, did you have anyone teach you?
- And old ostrich.
(laughing)
- I like you boys, especially
because you're both bats.
Tell me, what brings you to High Falls?
- Oh, we're intending to
operate a transport agency.
The house in the valleys
where I'll make a depot site.
- Well, I advise you not
to, because that zone there
is full of pompolou bricola underground.
- [Raph] What's that?
- Well, they're like little
insects, parasites that
infect the whole valley.
Is that right, huh?
- Ah no, mot on your life, mister.
- They're signs that there's petroleum.
What else would you do?
- Ah, we'll be really in business when
we get Caroline going.
When she opens up the
first time, they'll come
running to climb on top.
- Right, anybody'd wanna climb her.
Fiery as she is, she's got
bumpers front and back.
- You see Raph here, here's
trying to say that our
Caroline has a great body.
We jumped on her one at a
time, and then both together.
Right Raph?
- Right.
- Ah, but we'll provide
her with working mate.
One for there, one for here.
It's essential in this
business that anyone
can be accommodated at both ends.
(laughs)
And boy, will the cash
roll in, like a torrent.
- Oh then I wanna be the first client.
First one, then to the other.
We're progressing, Evelyn.
Progress is what let's our
young fellas keep rejuvenated.
(funky ominous music)
(growls)
(bang)
- Hey, wait a minute.
(bash)
What's this for?
(smashing)
My sign.
No, wait, no!
(boing)
(laughs evilly)
Hey Raph!
Get this fella, he doesn't feel anything.
- [Raph] Neither do I.
- Watch this, Raph.
(boing)
(laughs evilly)
- [Raph] Throw it away.
(whoosh)
- Get out of here.
- Over here.
(smash)
In the teeth.
(smash)
Now here.
(smash)
More this way.
(smash)
Thanks.
It's not as valuable, Raph.
With every blow he opens up a
little window in our caravan.
- [Ironhead] Now I'll open another one.
- Whereabouts?
- [Ironhead] In your forehead.
- Come on.
(boing)
- Scotsman are ye?
- Ar.
(groans)
- After all, he did give us a hand.
- You know what I'm gonna tell you?
- What?
- Give me that 500 bucks you
got left, I'm clearing out.
- Oh, stop harping on it, will you Raph?
The transport concession
belongs to Shark until
the first of April.
It's only normal they want to destroy us.
But we'll split up for security's sake.
Okay, you sleep here in
the caravan, and I will be
the martyr, yeah, I'll
sleep with Caroline.
(bang)
(funky ominous music)
- You're a bunch a cowards.
And I'm not paying for cowards.
- I'm not a coward.
- No, you're not.
You're not a coward, you know why?
You're an idiot.
You know why you're an idiot?
Because you got solder
in your head (knocking)
instead of brains.
(men laughing)
(clapping)
(laughs)
- The Professor thought
you might like a cordial.
- Hold this.
May I?
- [Linda] Surely.
- This cordial is an infusion
of herbs, it's a carburetor,
unstopper-upper, another one
of my specialties, bye bye.
(laughs)
- He's lost his marbles.
- Hey what's it like?
Cheers.
- Cheers.
(hiccups) A real unstopper-upper.
(spraying)
(chokes)
- Ha, hot as a pistol.
(groans)
- Got burned, huh?
Hey.
Hey.
- What?
- Your eyes are watering.
Get busy, work it off, kid.
- Ha, ha, you're kidding me.
Instead you should thank
me, because I got you out
of that hole.
- In that hole I worked less,
and got paid every week.
- Yeah, but you never
reckoned that that hole mighta
been filled with your body
dismembered by droopy lids,
if he caught on to what we
did to him before the fight.
Hey, are you listening?
I'm talking about Black
Bull, you know what'll happen
if he goes after you wide awake?
He'll murder ya.
- But the fight was your idea.
And so were the sleeping pills.
- Right.
Would you have fought him without 'em?
- Never in my wildest dreams would I have
fought that beast.
And you know damn well why I agreed to it.
- Yes, of course.
To buy your music lessons.
That's all we need.
(explosions)
- Again!
I won't stay in this house another minute!
- What's wrong?
Gertrude!
- The toilet again, your Honor.
- (Groans) That's the fourth
one to blow up in a month.
It's a progressive, Sheriff.
(huffs)
They're gunning for me!
- Eh, lucky he wasn't sittin' on it.
- Willy, you've got to stop
blowing up pots, or Grandfather
will get it.
(funky ominous music)
- [Mr. Pilot] Those two are
fixing up that caravan that
Stratton sisters used for a chicken coop.
- Then we'll wreck it.
Any comments, Mr. Pilot?
- Let them finish it, Mr. Shark.
- Later, it will be even
more fun demolishing it.
(upbeat rock music)
(crash)
(crash)
(cheerful ragtime music)
- Oh no, hey hey!
(creaking)
- I checked her over
from bumper to bumper.
And she's just the way
mother factory made her.
- Raph, were you really
the mechanic in that hole?
- What else?
- Not the jack?
- [Raph] I'll take you apart!
- I was kiddin'.
- I'm not!
- Look, the Professor.
- Don't stand there starin'.
Oh, the game-leg.
Nothin' unusual.
And when your game-leg
aches you have to lean on
something for support, don't ya?
(bubbling)
Now, let's see.
Nope, even if I straighten
the pipe it's not enough.
I'll have to make do with
the one on the model.
- Hey, Grandpa.
(whistles)
- Yeah, I spied them,
I spied them a bit ago.
Well, come on in friends.
I'll look for a longer one.
Bah!
To finish the whole
project, what I really need
is economy, with a
perpetual drive and motor.
An unfrictioned motor, at the least.
- Where the hell are we?
- In the 13th century.
What Marco Polo said he saw
fountains of Mongolian molasses
or petroleum, that could keep a machine
running for a thousand years.
And they thought he was joking, too.
All joking aside, I'll find that stuff.
- Grandpa figures
there's a lot of molasses
deep in the ground,
enough to bury the town.
- We'll find it.
- Well that's why there's
all those mole holes.
- Grandfather makes them.
He's an inventor too.
He's a writer on animals and
birds, and more than just
that, he creates nice toys.
- An archangel sent here by Heaven.
- He got that moniker
pinned on him in town
for his inventions.
And if I show you what
they are, you'll see why.
They're outside,
(clank)
(laughs)
- Professor, if the chance ever comes up,
could I play in the band?
- Well, in fact my dear boy, there's just
one little difficulty.
The boys in the band are
rather prone to jealousy,
so we should wait for a
player to catch cold, for
example, oh, Benjamin, yes.
- Why, Benjamin. (hums)
(peaceful lullaby music)
- Hey Raph, take a look
at these contraptions.
See?
Archangel second, and archangel third.
- What happened the the first?
- Its wings broke.
- [Angel] A victim of progress.
- It won't happen again.
The Professor's got it now, he figures.
Both are able to carry
a grownup by air to your
depot site in the valley.
- I know it makes you weak in
the knees to think about it.
From here to reach the valley,
you gotta drop 2000 feet.
But humanity is filled with morons.
I'll bet my boots that sooner
or later, I'll find two.
(groans)
(peaceful piano music)
- [Willy] The professor
sent you this, it's his
new unstopper-upper.
- Oh yeah?
Hey, Angel, try it.
- [Willy] This won't burn
your mouth, it's milder.
- Good.
(laughs)
- Hey.
- In this nice, quiet
town no one ever sleeps.
And this damn town has
seen the last of me,
after I smash you.
- [Angel] What's the matter?
I let you sleep with Caroline.
- [Polly] That powder doesn't work.
- What, don't you remember.
- Shh.
- The mayor ran for 3 days.
- Turn me loose.
- That's just what I'm gonna do.
I'll turn your insides loose.
(farting)
- Control yourself.
Remember, you promised
Mama to look after me.
Ah ah, now wait a minute.
- You wait a minute, I gotta run.
- [Angel] Don't you wanna
play your solo with the band?
- I gotta crap (groans) not now.
(goofy synthesizer music)
(screaming)
Out of my way!
(smashing)
(men screaming in disappointment)
(groans)
(marching band music)
Stop, damn it!
Had to be here, right?
Couldn't you do it someplace else?
Get out of here!
Out!
(marching band music)
Out.
(peaceful instrumental music)
- Hello, Evelyn.
Should I apologize?
Did I offend you?
But I'm delivering to
you all I promised you,
I brought you the muscle we need.
I got Raph with me.
Look Evelyn, don't act
like a bear with me.
My brother mustn't suspect what I'm doing
for you until after the race.
We'll win it just as you
planned, and then the
concession is all yours.
Ha, I can say one thing, I know
for sure once Caroline opens
up, I'll be the first in line.
(cries)
(whoosh)
Evelyn!
- Go to hell, you and Caroline.
- Evelyn!
(crash)
- Now I'll play doctor,
and give you vaccinations.
- Typhoid.
Hey, we're missing something.
- [Polly] What?
- Quick!
- (cries) Oh, go away!
- Evelyn, let me talk, ha?
Evelyn, let me talk.
This is all a misunderstanding,
you mustn't cry.
You misunderstood.
- Why is she crying?
- Because she's afraid of vaccinations.
- Evelyn, stop crying.
Hey, for Heaven's sake,
shoo shoo, will you?
Look what else I have to put up with?
Evelyn.
- Go away. (cries)
- Please, give me a chance,
let me explain to you what.
- (Cries) I said go away.
I never wanna see you again.
- Caroline, Caroline is my car.
(smack)
- Oh Angel!
Angel?
- Oh, excuse me.
(groans)
- Where you going?
- To the fields, to get you some daisies.
(groans) Wait here.
(goofy synthesized music)
Ooh, lovely day isn't it?
Good morning.
Good morning.
Ooh.
(marching band music)
Stop, stop!
(mumbles) warehouse!
(marching band music)
- [Shark's Thug] Those
two got the caravan ready.
- What's it say on it?
- Rapid Transport, Angel and Raphael.
- It's ready Mr. Shark.
- Ready?
Then start wrecking it.
- It'd start with the car.
By now it's obvious to me
that those two are waiting
for the day of the race
to win the concession
for the Stratton sisters.
- Hey boss!
We'll take care of it, boss.
- You?
Not only are you bigger
idiots than Ironhead, you've
got not guts.
- I can make up for that.
- No guns, stupid.
- [Cross Eyes] That's
what I thought you said.
- Mr. Shark, I have an idea.
I think I found the right man.
- The right man?
What we need are men.
All available men.
I wanna see that jalopy
and caravan in pieces,
in small pieces.
(funky ominous music)
(people making commotion)
- Wait.
- [Man] Shove along, Lacy,
come on home, come on.
- Who's caravan is this?
(smash)
- Why do you have to wreck it?
We worked so hard.
Hey.
(smash)
No, don't wreck my caravan.
Not anymore, it's not.
(growls)
You!
Hey, why are you waiting,
aren't you gonna help me?
Hey.
(groans)
- We're the demolition squad.
- Demolition squad?
- Tell 'em to roll up their sleeves.
Hear that?
- Hey Raph, these guys
are putting us to work.
- There'll be some overtime too.
The car.
- On Sunday?
The preacher'll be mad.
- [Shark's Thug] So what?
- Okay, let's forget about the preacher.
- But I tell you one thing.
If he gets mad, you
know what happens then?
Tell him.
- You know what's gonna happen?
I'm leavin'.
- Huh?
(smack)
(upbeat rock music)
(men yelling)
(men screaming)
(thud)
(banging)
- Willy, now listen to me.
Violence is not polite.
(thud)
(screams)
(cheerful ragtime music)
(ban)
(whoosh)
(thudding)
(smack)
(smacking)
(men screaming)
(whooshing)
(laughing)
(thudding)
(whooshing)
(laughing)
(smacking)
(clunk)
(screams)
(crunching)
(groaning)
- I told you not to look!
Turn 'round.
(crunching)
(screaming)
(clunk)
- Turn around.
(creaking)
(smack)
(crash)
(cheerful ragtime piano music)
- Don't slug me, kick me.
(crack)
(screaming)
(thudding)
- No, no, (squeaks).
Don't tweak so hard.
(whoosh)
(thud)
(smack)
- Sit down!
Sit!
- It's freezing!
- Sit.
(thudding)
(laugh)
(clunking)
(clunk)
(clink)
(bashing)
(whistles)
- You.
(high screaming)
(thud)
What now?
- Don't slug me, I can't hit back.
It hurts me just to lift it.
- A stone.
- Put me down, put me down.
(skidding)
(laugh)
- Make room.
Get down or you'll drown.
- Please.
(upbeat rock music)
(clunk)
(cheerful ragtime music)
- [Shark's Thug] Ooh, what's
he got in there, iron?
Oh my foot! (cries)
- Fire one!
(clink)
Fire two.
(clink)
(screams)
- Now that he's out of balls,
let's see what he fires.
Who's nicked my ball, huh?
Don't move.
Don't even breathe.
(whooshing)
(smash)
- Hey, are you crazy?
(laughing)
(laughs) Put the ball back.
Put it back, I said.
Go on, you.
(smack)
(ban)
(clinking)
(whistles)
Strike one.
(clink)
(smash)
- [Angel] Bull's-eye.
(boing)
(screams)
(thud)
(smack)
(thud)
- Bash your brains out.
(cymbals crashing)
(smack)
(thud)
Where'd you learn how to play?
- The Philadelphia Athletics.
- I can't even play in the band.
- Too bad, you could play first base.
- Now I'm gonna play you!
(smacking)
Come here.
- Hey, quick, quick, quick.
Caroline!
- [Linda] Keep out of it, Evelyn!
- Don't touch Caroline.
(thugs laughing)
(whoosh)
(clunk)
Ha, you see that?
UCLA, 1909.
When I threw my javelin,
I set a neck record.
(groans)
It's their tough luck.
- Now it's your tough luck.
Since you're so smart.
- Raph, Raph.
(slam)
No, no, don't smash that case!
- Ah.
- Raph!
(smack)
(thud)
No, no, it's a delicate instrument!
- Instrument.
(crash)
Where is it?
Huh?
Come here.
(cheerful ragtime music)
That does it.
(crashing)
(slam)
(click)
So I see.
(smack)
(clunking)
- [Shark's Thug] Heads up.
He's got it.
(smack)
(crash)
(thud)
- [Shark's Man] Here, hold on to it.
You take it.
- Why me, pass it to Slim.
It's over there.
(thud)
(smack)
- You take it!
(popping)
(clinking)
- Pick these lousy teeth
out of my beard, will ya?
- Ew.
Hey, put that barrel down.
(thud)
(screams)
(whooshing)
Help me, Raph!
(cries)
(crash)
By the skin of my teeth.
I saved your case, put
up a good fight, aye?
- Yeah, by the skin of your teeth.
You also lost that.
And wherever that came
from, I'm sure there's more.
- No, no, no.
(tearing)
Let go of it.
You searched my pockets
like this, so help me.
I programmed everything,
wait a second, Raph.
I worked it out, I
started the ball moving.
You'd be nowhere without
me to make it move.
- Yeah?
Okay, then let's see you make that move.
- Hey Raph, did you see, huh? (laughs)
- Hey.
That 20 is mine.
- Give it to him.
(crash)
- We're poor, but honest.
(thud)
(crash)
Well, he tried.
(clunk)
What'd you say?
- Eh, there was a fly on your ear.
Let me go!
- [Raph] Come down.
(goofy synthesized music)
(crash)
(clink)
- Look at them.
I sent them out demolish, and
they come back demolished.
- It wasn't my idea.
- Starting tomorrow, nobody in High Falls,
and I mean nobody, will ever
mention the word "progressive"
in my presence.
Or the word "progress again", or write it,
or even think it.
Now get outta here.
I said, get out.
They've even put them in order.
- We had to obey or get blown up.
- I'll blow you up.
I'll blast you to hell!
(booming)
(explosions)
(screaming)
(cheerful ragtime music)
- [Man] (laughs) What's that?
- [Guy with Bike] They
call it an automobile.
The front end toots, and
the rough end smokes.
- Come on in.
Not the right moment now.
- How did that dynamite work?
- [Angel] Perfect.
- [Polly] Like the mayor's toilet.
- Shh.
- Ah, it's you who's been
stealing my blasting caps.
And after I warned you, Willy,
not to touch them.
Off you go to bed, without your supper.
Run along.
Polly?
(laughs)
And don't you lead them on, either.
Those two could open
a school for mischief,
but for you, it's a great day.
One of the trombones in the
band has dislocated his jaw.
So we have had to change our program.
(laughs) You can do your solo today.
You can play with the boys in the band.
- I'm really curious to hear them.
- [Professor] Well, let's go then.
- Now?
- [Professor] Yes.
- Like this?
- [Professor] We're waitin'.
- But I'm out of practice.
- Huh, a real musician makes
practice sound wonderful.
Don't be afraid, you'll be brilliant.
- Oh shut up, what do
you know about music?
- It remains to be seen.
(marching band music)
- Raph, that's not your
place, I want the brasses
on the other side.
Now, now, don't waste anymore time.
That's where you belong.
- [Raph] But professor, I don't--
- [Professor] Quiet!
- Look Bedsman, what guy
blows would choke you.
(marching band playing random notes)
(people laughing)
- Hey, look.
- Darn it.
On the other side, quick.
Here.
- But professor, what's difference if I--
- No, don't argue.
You stand there.
Ugh, a piccolo with the brass, what next?
- He's a fine boy inside.
You ought to tell, him,
Angel, you have to explain
everything he doesn't know about.
- [Evelyn] Linda's
right, he's your brother.
- Nah, we're just partly brothers.
He buried his father
upright, just imagine.
One end, so as not to buy so much land.
What should I say, "Raph,
your piccolo case is
where I hid the 2000
dollar for the franchise.
Tomorrow morning, I'll
pay the whole concession
price to the sheriff."
- Yes.
- And that would be the end of me.
(marching band music)
(clunking)
(piccolo music)
(trumpet music)
(piccolo music)
(trumpet music)
(piccolo music)
(trumpet music)
- Mr. Shark, I would like
to make a suggestion.
Contest is set for tomorrow, I'll run that
jalopy off the road.
And they'll end up at the
post office in a Hearse.
That team'll fly.
Come on, make 'em fly!
Faster!
Faster!
- Mr. Shark,
- [Shark] Faster!
- Mr. Shark, may I?
- You may, but my mind's made up.
- It's last Friday's paper, read what it
says under the picture.
- [Shark] Determined to make
mincemeat of Raphael McDonald.
- [Shark's Assistant] Black
Bull, that's the man we need.
- Black man with a car?
A progressive black?
- Maybe, but that's the
only man who can get
rid of them.
Look what the reporter
says, and read the caption
under the picture.
Don't you think that'll
settle our problem?
- No, I'll settle it with my horses.
Besides, he'd never get
here in time, anyway.
- What if he's already here?
(trumpet music)
(piccolo music)
(trumpet music)
- [Band Member] Let's pack
up and go home, fellas.
- [Angel] That was hard
work for me because
I know nothing about music.
Ugh, I can't play anything
but ragtime, so I'll give
it to you.
Like I said, your
practicing was wonderful.
(smash)
No, Raph!
(groans)
Now wait, Raph let me explain
everything to you, huh?
Please let me--
- There's nothing to explain.
You're a liar and a thief!
- Let me at least get a word in, ha?
Please let me get--
- When I get you, (thud)
you have the nerve to come
here, you could do this to me.
I busted my ass, promising
my mother I would look
after you, right?
I brought you up, didn't I?
I sent you to college to earn a degree,
with my money.
And how do you repay me?
You learned to play the bloody trombone.
- But after I did my homework.
- Shame.
- [Angel] I learned to play in my free
time, honest Raph.
I had time for sports
too, I won my letter,
I got my masters'.
- And I didn't even have
time to master a piccolo.
And I said, "Professor,
could I play a small solo
with your band?"
I mad a complete ass
out of myself. (whoosh)
Come here, you thief!
- [Angel] I'm not a thief.
- When I catch you,
I'll damn well kill you.
- That's no way to keep
your promise to Mama.
Mama!
Wait, what did I do wrong?
After all, it's your fault, too.
You never give me time
enough to explain anything.
- I've had enough of you, and Caroline,
and the concession, and her.
- Raph, don't run out on me.
- The next time we meet
up, you'll be lucky
if you can walk out!
(crashing)
- You were lucky once.
- Look Raph, give me time.
You mustn't just up and leave me here.
Raph, I depend on you.
You listening?
(gasps)
- You ruined my career, McDonald.
Now you're gonna pay for it.
- [Angel] Alright, go your own way, Raph.
- Oh no you don't. (crash)
(groans)
Why is he blinking?
Still sleepy?
- Yeah, hear his eyelids click?
- My blink is a nervous tic.
- [Slim] And this is a click. (clunk)
(screams)
(crash)
(funky ominous music)
(groaning)
- Break, break, break his dirty neck.
(crash)
(clunk)
He can't see you, fire two.
(thud)
(groans)
(slam)
(crash)
(thud)
(crash)
(groans)
(thudding)
- Come on man, stand up and hit me.
Come on, I'm waitin'.
(thud)
(groans)
(crunch)
(yells)
(thud)
(crash)
(laughs)
- Now I'm waiting.
(crash)
Come on, come on.
- [Raph] I'm comin'.
Wanna bite?
(clang)
(slam)
(crash)
Get up.
(whistles)
(groaning)
(crashing)
Someone up there doesn't like it. (laughs)
(laughing
(clang)
Watch it, this round is with you.
- [Angel] Now, now,
Raph, don't get excited.
(bang)
Let me explain.
- Shut up!
- [Angel] I made up that
sleeping pill story.
I needed the money for the concession.
(slam)
If I don't' get the
Sheriff that 2000 dollars
tomorrow, we're out of the race and it's
goodbye transport agency.
You can't leave me now.
- You get in my way, and I'll run over ya!
Forget the 2000, forget
I exist, you crook.
(peaceful music)
- We started a night to remember happily,
with song. (laughs)
(cries)
(sheep bleets)
(bell ringing)
- All participants in
the contest are requested
to align their means of
transportation behind
the starting ribbon.
We remind the public, that
it'll stand along the road.
(people cheering)
Anybody wishing to watch the
arrival of the contestants
is requested to go to the valley.
To the post office.
The last wagon is leaving now.
(fireworks exploding)
(cheerful marching band music)
We remind you, that there
is still time to contest.
- [Bill] You sure you don't wanna race?
- I'm positive.
- [Man] Hooray, hooray!
Let's start the race.
Hooray, hooray!
- Get a horse.
- Just my luck, when I'm ready to leave,
she won't start.
(crying)
What's the matter?
Andy?
- Andy. (sobs)
Andy.
- The little lamb, they
roasted it. (sniffles)
(whistling)
- Where is it?
- [Polly] There. (cries)
- This banquet is not taking place.
(smashing)
(people screaming)
(thudding)
(smack)
- They started it.
(groans)
(thudding)
- [Shark's Thug] They
wanna stop the contest.
(glass breaking)
(people yelling)
- [Mayor's Deputy] Oh, the violence.
- [Mayor] Now, everyone.
We set an example ever so often.
Go get 'em, conservatives.
- Now, start the race!
- That's against the rules, we
still have five more minutes.
- Start it, or I'll break your damn watch.
(honking)
(smack)
(thudding)
(smacking)
(smack)
- Get away from me.
(crash)
(thudding)
(bashing)
- Start the race.
(smacking)
(crash)
(cheerful band music)
(whistling loudly)
- [Shark's Thug] The lasso's ready.
(horse neighing)
(crash)
- [Raph] Oh, shit.
- [Shark's Thug] Here he comes, run, run!
(sheep bleeting)
(peaceful lullaby music)
- We didn't want you to leave.
- You're not a couple of kids.
You're a couple of monsters.
- Oh, but it's your fault,
because you're nice.
- That's nice, Raph, and
because you'd have missed
the bonanza of a lifetime, Brother.
(gun shot)
Hey, at the next shot, we start.
Me, you, and Caroline, huh?
We're all signed up for the race.
- My money!
- Run, run, get out of here.
- Hand over my money or I'll smash you
to pieces, you crook.
- Now wait a minute.
Raph, don't be crazy.
We start at the next shot.
- Off with the conservatives,
pull up the car.
Go on the car, down to the (mumbles).
(screech)
- Have a look at the crook behind you.
- Now I'll make my comeback,
this is a hundred horses.
- [Sheriff] Did you hear
that, a hundred horsepower.
Hey, where you all going?
- A hundred horsepower.
I'm gonna smash you to smithereens.
- Look, we haven't got
a second to lose, eh?
You can smash me afterwards, okay?
- [Sheriff] On your marks, get set, go.
(gun shot)
- Push.
Keep pushing.
Bat shit.
Now what?
- I gotta feeling I'm
gonna smash you right now.
- Wait a minute.
- [Raph] There's nothing to wait for.
Your race is over, see.
No motor.
The garage, come on, push.
Hurry, hurry.
- [Raph] You mean the professor's barn?
It's uphill.
- We gotta get her out of sight, faster.
(goofy synthesizer music)
(crash)
It was all figured, one
for there, one for here.
I never suspected what this
devil nicknamed Archangel
would think of to stop us.
- Take our idea and stuff it up your nose.
Professor.
- Hey, wait.
The archangels!
(people cheering)
I think I got it, but I
better test it on you.
This is right.
Tighten this.
- I you think I'm gonna fly, you're crazy.
- This one here, the
other one there, I'm just
using you as a model.
- Not gonna fly.
- One goes like this, the other like this.
- Oh, watch where you put your hand.
- Yeah, let's see where we put our hands.
Keep one on this pole, and the other one
on this pole here.
- Oh, our hands, you mean yours, Brother.
- Nah, I've had a lot
of practice, don't worry
about me, I fought a war
with things like this.
They who whoo!
(screaming)
Control it, I'm coming!
- [Raph] I can't control myself!
(peaceful instrumental music)
Ooh, what the hell kind
of war did you fight?
- I sprayed poison on Spanish flies.
See Raph, they stay up just
fine, I told you, the wind.
- The wings yes, but my pants, nooo!
- Sure, we're not angels!
(epic peaceful instrumental music)
(people cheering)
(crashing)
- Hey, conservatives, you
just lost the concession.
- Come on, fly.
Up yours.
(laughs)
- [Woman spectator] Shark can still win.
- [Male Spectator] What's gonna stop him?
- A miracle from Heaven.
- [Woman Spectator] A miracle?
(epic peaceful instrumental music]
- Raise the wings like
this, we're landing!
- I'm raising mine!
But when I hit ground,
I'm gonna clip yours!
(groans)
- [Angel] Wanna go back
to that grease pit,
then get up and run.
- [Raph] Run where?
- Those ruins over there, that's our goal.
At Boston College, I was
twice cross-country champion,
and I can still run.
- With my 500 dollars!
Bastard.
What are we telling them?
That we're transport by plane?
- Come here.
- [Raph] I don't see any
goal, all I see is a haystack.
- [Angel] Just wait.
- [Raph] Oh, damn it, all
I need is a sprained ankle.
What the hell are you up to now?
- Pull the rope.
- [Raph] Huh?
- All programmed, all organized.
Caroline first, Caroline second.
One going, one coming back.
Hope in.
(horn honking)
(whipping)
(yelling)
- [Mr. Pilot] We are
rid of them, Mr. Shark.
- [Shark] Finally.
- [Mr. Pilot] We made them eat our dust.
- Conservatives, up yours.
- Make 'em fly.
Those two bastards are still in the race.
Faster!
(yells)
(cheerful ragtime music)
(crowd cheering)
- Angel!
- Raph. (laugh)
- As of this moment, the
Stratton concession begins.
- Stratton, yes. (laughs)
- Because it belongs to the sisters now.
- I guess.
(screaming)
(laughing)
The sisters?
- The Strattons.
- You mean for Miss Goggle
Eyes and Miss Google Eyes,
you made me a big, a big!
- Listen, I have a proposition to make.
(smack)
I'll chase you clear to Hell and back!
- Linda, Linda, hurry!
(crash)
- Hey, you want your motor?
I only borrowed it.
- I never expected that from you.
We nearly lose the concession.
- [Raph] We lost it anyway!
- No, no, Raph, no!
- Now I've got you.
All my life, I've coddled
you and now I'm through!
- [Angel] Let me explain!
(screams)
(splash)
- I'm through!
(splash)
- They are mad men!
- Tell me truth, what
was between you and her?
Tell me, the truth, or I'll!
- Shame on you!
Raph!
You are failing to
honor your word to Mama!
- Don't you mention Mama to me.
Tell me the truth!
(splashing)
- Somebody!
Pull 'em apart!
- [Angel] It was love at first sight.
- [Raph] Which one?
(splash)
- Evelyn, we met in the general store!
- [Raph] And you bought her bill of goods
for love, you jerk!
I'm gonna drown you.
(epic peaceful instrumental music)
- Get him, for Christ's sake.
- I want my money.
- Raph, see.
- Peek at the ground, you!
Hip hip hooray, petroleum at last.
I told 'ya, we'd find oil!
- Taste it.
Right?
We're rich!
We're rich!
- [Professor] Great day!
- We made it, Little Brother! (laughs)
We are rich, we are rich, we are rich.
We're rich, we're rich, we're filthy rich.
- [Angel] Professor, you beat us all.
(cackles)
- I bet this belongs to them.
- It's ours, they have the concession--
- It's ours, it's ours?
- We have the oil land!
Yeah, so let's get married!
(screaming)
- Hey rain, rain!
(cackling)
- (Laughs) We're all black,
now we're all one family.
- Last pass, yeah.
- At last, right.
(laughs)
(cracking)
(cheerful ragtime music)
♫ Oh, mommy my
♫ Oh, mommy my
( shredding rock music)
♫ Oh mommy
♫ Do you hear me
♫ I say, you double last the
double oh the double beat
♫ You what
♫ I'd like the double
bar another (mumbles)
♫ Oh oh
(cheerful ragtime music)
♫ Oh, mommy my!
♫ Oh, mommy my!
(growling)
- Hey, watch your hose!
Oh!
- Oh, sorry.
- Bet you musta growled
just like that when
you went into the ring,
eh, against Black Bill.
- No, only when I finished.
- They called him the
Nebraska Jawbreaker, what an
unforgettable fight.
You know how I can remember
it, at the odds they gave.
I took a flyer with two weeks' pay.
Old Black Bull, he'd flatten
many a good opponent,
but he had never been in the
ring with a real champion.
I bet all he had to do was
look into your eyes, and get
knocked out by the glare.
(people yelling and cheering)
(splash)
(laughing)
- Hey, pull up your
pants they're all full!
(laughing)
- Watch his eyelids, his eyelids!
He's about to go, look!
It' the third round, go get him, Raph!
- Right.
(slam)
(thud)
(smack)
- [Angel] Think of the the 3000 dollars!
- Huh?
- Three, Raph!
(smacking)
- Hey McDonald!
(slam)
(groans)
You're wanted on the telephone!
(screams)
(slam)
(yells)
(crash)
- Don't hit the referee, hit Black Bull!
(smacking)
(slam)
(slam)
(slam)
(crowd booing)
1500 each, yay!
- The winner (smack).
(crash)
- He did it!
- And that was the kiss of Judas.
Did you ever see any of that 3000 dollars?
No, well neither did I.
- I should have known there
was some screw job somewhere.
Else you wouldn't be here tightening bolts
from morning 'till night.
- Okay, take it away!
- You're next on the grease pit, mister.
Careful, straight ahead.
- Oh!
- Howdy.
- [Mechanic Assistant] Ain't that?
- Judas.
- [Angel] Oh oh.
- Come here you.
I'll break you in two!
- Wait a minute!
Let me explain, I'll tell ya everything.
- You shoulda told me
three months ago you thief!
- Fight, fight!
(crashing)
- [Angel] Damn it, he's gone crazy!
- [Raph] Crazy?
What do you expect?
(crashing)
Swindler!
Where's my 1500?
- How can I tell you?
Let me explain.
- [Raph] You don't have
to, new dapper and car!
- Her name is Caroline.
You like horns, these are
Smith and Wesson, best.
- And I'm the best car wrecker.
- Hey!
- Caroline's not mine.
- The hell you say!
I'm gonna rip it, I'm gonna smash it!
Thief!
- Halt!
- Huh?
- Thief maybe, but honest.
This car's in both our names.
That's the truth, Raph.
- What's this all about underneath?
- Underneath?
- Underneath your fast talking.
Another one of your
hare-brained schemes to leave
us with our asses hanging out, right?
- Oh, I admit I had trouble
recuperating one slight
investment or two, but this
time I bought a concession,
a franchise for both of us.
All you have to do is
leave everything to me,
and be good to little brother.
(splashing)
Sorry, as I was saying,
I bought this concession
for public transport, we got it made.
Oh oh.
- Brother, I'll make you a concession.
The car stays, and you'll be there!
Get out of here, or I'll break you!
(crash)
- Beg your pardon.
- Kindly explain what's
wrong with McDonald?
He's our cleanest craftsman.
- Far from a craftsman and
clean, this McDonald is a scum.
- Scum?
You're, you're fired.
- No I'm not, I quit!
(crashing)
(banging)
The minute that rascal
stuck his nose in here.
(smack)
- This is the first and
last time I put my face
in this filthy place.
(huffs)
(cheerful ragtime music)
Music lessons, if at the
time I'd left you the 1500,
that's all you would have bought.
- Well at least I'd know how to play.
- Ah, wait 'till I've doubled
your capital, then piddle
away your money on music lessons.
Like me to account for the expenditures?
(silly car horn honking)
Huh?
- Yeah, 500 for the car, and then what?
- That was just the beginning.
To by the concession cost
me a couple of thousand.
As for the engine, 500.
That makes three grand.
Every scent of Black
Bill's magic counted for.
- Your accounts always work out,
but I never see a cent.
- Oh this time, no it's all arranged.
It's organized, right Caroline?
- Listen, if you don't
tell me what's going
on right now, I'm getting out,
after I've smashed you.
- I'll explain it, High
Falls is a little city I know
in the mountains.
High Falls is miles away from a train.
Use imagination, transport
the passengers and merchandise
out of High Falls to the
train, and vice versa with
Caroline, see?
(cheerful marching band music)
- That's enough!
It has been rumored that
the progressives are meeting
in secret to plot against
the conservatives,
against the very men who
founded this country!
Who brought it wealth and fertility.
And to them I say, I say,
- Mala tempora currunt.
- Mala tempora currunt
for the progressives!
(clapping)
(goofy synthesizer music)
- It's for the mayor's house.
Three crocks he's busted, one month.
- When I speak you must applaud!
(slamming)
(laughing)
(clapping)
(toilet flushing)
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, what do I do now?
- I say applaud!
(funky ominous music)
(clapping)
(smash)
- Why aren't you applaudin' huh?
- I'm not from these parts.
(smash)
- Ooh.
(boing)
(creaking)
- Read this, it's the synthesis.
- The what?
- Eh, the compendium, the substratum.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, the...
- What it really is is
the summary of the speech.
- I remind the progressives
that in as much as the
railroad passes a hundred
miles from here, any other
mechanical transportation
must keep its distance
from our confinium.
And whosoever dares to cross it,
(whoosh)
will get his guts blown out
by a, a, pumperdick horn.
(horn music)
(cheerful ragtime music)
(whistling)
(coughs)
- 2000 for a concession,
okay, but I got a sneakin'
suspicion that 500 dollars
for fixin' Caroline--
- Is what?
- Is still in your pocket.
- If you don't trust me,
you can check and see.
- Just what I'm gonna do.
- Hey, Raph, no!
(rustling)
No, not my long johns!
- [Raph] Okay, keep 'em,
they got no pockets.
- [Angel] Thanks.
- Where is it, where'd you hide that
500 dollars, you swindler?
- Hey, wait, wait, will you?
Don't leave me naked
you dumbbell, come here!
- Grandma, look at that nasty thing.
- What?
Oh, I'll report you, report your for
outraging public decency.
- Oh, and what's she doing?
She's looking.
You can't even drive.
(crowd shouting out)
(crowd laughing)
(tearing)
(laughs)
- Caroline's too small for me.
- Your case is too big, why
don't you get a smaller one?
- Oh, shut up.
What do you know about music?
- Tell me something, in
whose name is Caroline?
- In both of ours.
- It means she's half mine and half yours.
- Right, so?
- You're on my side, so move.
I always said we could get along since we
have the same mother, but
with different fathers.
Mama was a Spanish lady
and Catholic to boot.
What made her marry a Scotch
Presbyterian, I wonder?
- [Raph] From what I've
heard, your English dad was
no choir boy.
- [Angel] What do you mean?
That's where they met, in church.
- [Raph] So that's where I got jinxed.
(cheerful ragtime music)
(bang)
- Now what's the matter?
- [Raph] Where the hell are we?
- I'll explain, the
concession's paid for, and this
spot here goes with our franchise.
We open our agency here, and
we'll make a lot of money.
- I just can't swallow the cost
of repairing Caroline's engine.
- Have you got that printed up here?
To haul a caravan with
freight an people, Caroline's
horsepower needed a boost, that's what our
profits depend on, otherwise
we won't make a penny.
- If we don't make a profit, we've had it.
- This time everything'll work out.
And you just get it through
your head, that if it
wasn't for me, you know what'd happen?
You'd go back to that grease hole.
(crashing)
- [Raph] Yeah, well look
at you, you're already
in a privy hole.
- But I'm the first to use it.
Hey, there wasn't one here.
There wasn't one there, either.
I wonder who dug them.
- A big mole.
- Yeah, big as you.
(mechanical squeaking)
- Howdy strangers. (laughs)
Howdy! (laughs)
Howdy.
- Eh, what are you doing here?
- Power drillin'.
- What are you drilling for?
- China, if I can bore through! (laughs)
Get it, stranger?
No?
I was just jokin'.
But there's plenty up
in High Falls like you,
thinking I'm a fool.
I know that's your impression too.
- Oh, no.
- Well, I'm not mad.
But only a fool would look
for Mongolian molasses
here, that's petroleum.
- Mongolian?
- Molasses.
- Yes, the female of the big mole.
- Oh no, by the way, though.
You haven't told me your names yet.
- Mine is Angel, and his is Raphael.
(lullaby instrumental music)
- Mine is Archangel.
- [Angel] That makes three of us, eh Raph?
- Uh huh, seems like we landed in Heaven.
- Oh not yet we haven't.
High Falls is in Heaven.
- [Professor] Oh, would you
fellas give me a ride to town?
Musicians, huh?
- [Raph] I am, he has a tin ear.
- [Professor] I'm leader of the town band.
- [Angel] You should let Raph
play a solo with the band
instead of himself.
- [Raph] I'm getting mad.
- [Angel] I'm getting out.
- [Raph] Sit down.
- [Professor] You two
fight like progressives and
conservatives up at High Falls.
(horn honking)
- [Angel] Progress is regress.
Ha, they like jokes in these parts.
(people chattering)
(peaceful music)
(sheep bleets)
- Okay, you're one up on me.
(laughing)
(peaceful jazz music)
(horns honking)
- Nice and shiny.
- And it toots.
- Hey mister, how come it goes so fast?
- 80 horses inside.
- Hmm, a big guy like that's
still telling baby stories.
(laughing)
(banging)
(funky ominous music)
(dripping)
- Oh, hey Raph, you see what he did?
Okay, okay, it's in my half.
But she's in both our names.
(whistling)
Cut that out and give me a hand.
(horn honking)
With this many, you gonna ditch me?
- [Thug] Give him a hand, Slim.
- There are already too
many horns in the town band.
(squish)
- [Angel] No, no.
(smack)
They're delicate instruments,
you'll ruin them!
(smack)
Think what I've had to pay for these.
(thugs laughing)
Oh hey Raph, see what he did?
- [Thug] I reckon' he's distracted.
(splattering)
Look here.
- [Angel] The music.
- Now you look.
(bang)
(thud)
(instrumental rock music)
(popping)
(smacking)
- [Thug] Take off his glasses.
- [Gangster] Get 'em off, them off!
(smack)
(bashing)
- Hey.
(boom)
- Strike.
- What is it?
- (laughs) Nothing.
(bashing)
(shouts)
(laughs)
- You again?
- (Laughs) Just wanna
tell you, she's dusty.
- Hmm, come here a sec.
(bang)
(bang)
(bashing)
- Help Raph!
(smack)
Help!
(thugs cry out)
(growls)
(men screaming)
(smack)
Watch it.
Watch the left, watch the right.
(banging)
- Wait.
- [Wily] Hit 'em.
- [Polly] Stop it, Willy.
Andy's scared.
(bash)
(man screaming)
(thud)
- All's well that ends well, I say.
- There we go.
Revised and corrected.
(smack)
Take it to headquarters.
(crowd applause)
- At last, a real man.
- And the very least you
two-fisted progressives
can expect from Evelyn,
is to have her invite you
over, and join us for dinner.
- Did I hear right?
- Yeah.
- [Polly] Willy's coming too.
- That girl's just like her father.
He was a fine mayor, and
High Falls was a fine town.
'Till that scalawag Shark.
Forced him into an early
grave with a broken heart.
Diving peaceable folks into
opposing parties, Conservatives
loyal to Shark, and us
who are progressive.
(laughs) Let's eat.
- Indeed, progress brings violence.
- I've been a regular
boarder here quite awhile.
I moved here last Mayday.
That's when my grandma went to glory.
- Sis?
- [Linda] Yes?
- Set another two places,
we've got company.
- [Linda] I'll be right there.
(peaceful music)
- My sister Linda, I'm Evelyn.
- Angel and Raphael, but he prefers to
be called Raph.
He's no angel, look at that beard.
- Come on.
I'll give you a hand.
- Oh, yes.
- I'll serve it.
Vegetable soup, she makes it
better than my grandmother did.
(laughs)
(clink)
- Oh, a fly.
Don't worry, I'll get it out for ya.
- [Angel] I'll get it, Professor.
- [Professor] Soup's too
good to pass up for a fly.
- It's not for the fly, he's vegetarian.
He'd like to kill people
who kill animals to eat.
It's true.
- Children. (tsks)
- Linda, let's have dessert and coffee.
- How could you eat all those eggs?
- The secret is to swallow them whole.
- Oh, did you have anyone teach you?
- And old ostrich.
(laughing)
- I like you boys, especially
because you're both bats.
Tell me, what brings you to High Falls?
- Oh, we're intending to
operate a transport agency.
The house in the valleys
where I'll make a depot site.
- Well, I advise you not
to, because that zone there
is full of pompolou bricola underground.
- [Raph] What's that?
- Well, they're like little
insects, parasites that
infect the whole valley.
Is that right, huh?
- Ah no, mot on your life, mister.
- They're signs that there's petroleum.
What else would you do?
- Ah, we'll be really in business when
we get Caroline going.
When she opens up the
first time, they'll come
running to climb on top.
- Right, anybody'd wanna climb her.
Fiery as she is, she's got
bumpers front and back.
- You see Raph here, here's
trying to say that our
Caroline has a great body.
We jumped on her one at a
time, and then both together.
Right Raph?
- Right.
- Ah, but we'll provide
her with working mate.
One for there, one for here.
It's essential in this
business that anyone
can be accommodated at both ends.
(laughs)
And boy, will the cash
roll in, like a torrent.
- Oh then I wanna be the first client.
First one, then to the other.
We're progressing, Evelyn.
Progress is what let's our
young fellas keep rejuvenated.
(funky ominous music)
(growls)
(bang)
- Hey, wait a minute.
(bash)
What's this for?
(smashing)
My sign.
No, wait, no!
(boing)
(laughs evilly)
Hey Raph!
Get this fella, he doesn't feel anything.
- [Raph] Neither do I.
- Watch this, Raph.
(boing)
(laughs evilly)
- [Raph] Throw it away.
(whoosh)
- Get out of here.
- Over here.
(smash)
In the teeth.
(smash)
Now here.
(smash)
More this way.
(smash)
Thanks.
It's not as valuable, Raph.
With every blow he opens up a
little window in our caravan.
- [Ironhead] Now I'll open another one.
- Whereabouts?
- [Ironhead] In your forehead.
- Come on.
(boing)
- Scotsman are ye?
- Ar.
(groans)
- After all, he did give us a hand.
- You know what I'm gonna tell you?
- What?
- Give me that 500 bucks you
got left, I'm clearing out.
- Oh, stop harping on it, will you Raph?
The transport concession
belongs to Shark until
the first of April.
It's only normal they want to destroy us.
But we'll split up for security's sake.
Okay, you sleep here in
the caravan, and I will be
the martyr, yeah, I'll
sleep with Caroline.
(bang)
(funky ominous music)
- You're a bunch a cowards.
And I'm not paying for cowards.
- I'm not a coward.
- No, you're not.
You're not a coward, you know why?
You're an idiot.
You know why you're an idiot?
Because you got solder
in your head (knocking)
instead of brains.
(men laughing)
(clapping)
(laughs)
- The Professor thought
you might like a cordial.
- Hold this.
May I?
- [Linda] Surely.
- This cordial is an infusion
of herbs, it's a carburetor,
unstopper-upper, another one
of my specialties, bye bye.
(laughs)
- He's lost his marbles.
- Hey what's it like?
Cheers.
- Cheers.
(hiccups) A real unstopper-upper.
(spraying)
(chokes)
- Ha, hot as a pistol.
(groans)
- Got burned, huh?
Hey.
Hey.
- What?
- Your eyes are watering.
Get busy, work it off, kid.
- Ha, ha, you're kidding me.
Instead you should thank
me, because I got you out
of that hole.
- In that hole I worked less,
and got paid every week.
- Yeah, but you never
reckoned that that hole mighta
been filled with your body
dismembered by droopy lids,
if he caught on to what we
did to him before the fight.
Hey, are you listening?
I'm talking about Black
Bull, you know what'll happen
if he goes after you wide awake?
He'll murder ya.
- But the fight was your idea.
And so were the sleeping pills.
- Right.
Would you have fought him without 'em?
- Never in my wildest dreams would I have
fought that beast.
And you know damn well why I agreed to it.
- Yes, of course.
To buy your music lessons.
That's all we need.
(explosions)
- Again!
I won't stay in this house another minute!
- What's wrong?
Gertrude!
- The toilet again, your Honor.
- (Groans) That's the fourth
one to blow up in a month.
It's a progressive, Sheriff.
(huffs)
They're gunning for me!
- Eh, lucky he wasn't sittin' on it.
- Willy, you've got to stop
blowing up pots, or Grandfather
will get it.
(funky ominous music)
- [Mr. Pilot] Those two are
fixing up that caravan that
Stratton sisters used for a chicken coop.
- Then we'll wreck it.
Any comments, Mr. Pilot?
- Let them finish it, Mr. Shark.
- Later, it will be even
more fun demolishing it.
(upbeat rock music)
(crash)
(crash)
(cheerful ragtime music)
- Oh no, hey hey!
(creaking)
- I checked her over
from bumper to bumper.
And she's just the way
mother factory made her.
- Raph, were you really
the mechanic in that hole?
- What else?
- Not the jack?
- [Raph] I'll take you apart!
- I was kiddin'.
- I'm not!
- Look, the Professor.
- Don't stand there starin'.
Oh, the game-leg.
Nothin' unusual.
And when your game-leg
aches you have to lean on
something for support, don't ya?
(bubbling)
Now, let's see.
Nope, even if I straighten
the pipe it's not enough.
I'll have to make do with
the one on the model.
- Hey, Grandpa.
(whistles)
- Yeah, I spied them,
I spied them a bit ago.
Well, come on in friends.
I'll look for a longer one.
Bah!
To finish the whole
project, what I really need
is economy, with a
perpetual drive and motor.
An unfrictioned motor, at the least.
- Where the hell are we?
- In the 13th century.
What Marco Polo said he saw
fountains of Mongolian molasses
or petroleum, that could keep a machine
running for a thousand years.
And they thought he was joking, too.
All joking aside, I'll find that stuff.
- Grandpa figures
there's a lot of molasses
deep in the ground,
enough to bury the town.
- We'll find it.
- Well that's why there's
all those mole holes.
- Grandfather makes them.
He's an inventor too.
He's a writer on animals and
birds, and more than just
that, he creates nice toys.
- An archangel sent here by Heaven.
- He got that moniker
pinned on him in town
for his inventions.
And if I show you what
they are, you'll see why.
They're outside,
(clank)
(laughs)
- Professor, if the chance ever comes up,
could I play in the band?
- Well, in fact my dear boy, there's just
one little difficulty.
The boys in the band are
rather prone to jealousy,
so we should wait for a
player to catch cold, for
example, oh, Benjamin, yes.
- Why, Benjamin. (hums)
(peaceful lullaby music)
- Hey Raph, take a look
at these contraptions.
See?
Archangel second, and archangel third.
- What happened the the first?
- Its wings broke.
- [Angel] A victim of progress.
- It won't happen again.
The Professor's got it now, he figures.
Both are able to carry
a grownup by air to your
depot site in the valley.
- I know it makes you weak in
the knees to think about it.
From here to reach the valley,
you gotta drop 2000 feet.
But humanity is filled with morons.
I'll bet my boots that sooner
or later, I'll find two.
(groans)
(peaceful piano music)
- [Willy] The professor
sent you this, it's his
new unstopper-upper.
- Oh yeah?
Hey, Angel, try it.
- [Willy] This won't burn
your mouth, it's milder.
- Good.
(laughs)
- Hey.
- In this nice, quiet
town no one ever sleeps.
And this damn town has
seen the last of me,
after I smash you.
- [Angel] What's the matter?
I let you sleep with Caroline.
- [Polly] That powder doesn't work.
- What, don't you remember.
- Shh.
- The mayor ran for 3 days.
- Turn me loose.
- That's just what I'm gonna do.
I'll turn your insides loose.
(farting)
- Control yourself.
Remember, you promised
Mama to look after me.
Ah ah, now wait a minute.
- You wait a minute, I gotta run.
- [Angel] Don't you wanna
play your solo with the band?
- I gotta crap (groans) not now.
(goofy synthesizer music)
(screaming)
Out of my way!
(smashing)
(men screaming in disappointment)
(groans)
(marching band music)
Stop, damn it!
Had to be here, right?
Couldn't you do it someplace else?
Get out of here!
Out!
(marching band music)
Out.
(peaceful instrumental music)
- Hello, Evelyn.
Should I apologize?
Did I offend you?
But I'm delivering to
you all I promised you,
I brought you the muscle we need.
I got Raph with me.
Look Evelyn, don't act
like a bear with me.
My brother mustn't suspect what I'm doing
for you until after the race.
We'll win it just as you
planned, and then the
concession is all yours.
Ha, I can say one thing, I know
for sure once Caroline opens
up, I'll be the first in line.
(cries)
(whoosh)
Evelyn!
- Go to hell, you and Caroline.
- Evelyn!
(crash)
- Now I'll play doctor,
and give you vaccinations.
- Typhoid.
Hey, we're missing something.
- [Polly] What?
- Quick!
- (cries) Oh, go away!
- Evelyn, let me talk, ha?
Evelyn, let me talk.
This is all a misunderstanding,
you mustn't cry.
You misunderstood.
- Why is she crying?
- Because she's afraid of vaccinations.
- Evelyn, stop crying.
Hey, for Heaven's sake,
shoo shoo, will you?
Look what else I have to put up with?
Evelyn.
- Go away. (cries)
- Please, give me a chance,
let me explain to you what.
- (Cries) I said go away.
I never wanna see you again.
- Caroline, Caroline is my car.
(smack)
- Oh Angel!
Angel?
- Oh, excuse me.
(groans)
- Where you going?
- To the fields, to get you some daisies.
(groans) Wait here.
(goofy synthesized music)
Ooh, lovely day isn't it?
Good morning.
Good morning.
Ooh.
(marching band music)
Stop, stop!
(mumbles) warehouse!
(marching band music)
- [Shark's Thug] Those
two got the caravan ready.
- What's it say on it?
- Rapid Transport, Angel and Raphael.
- It's ready Mr. Shark.
- Ready?
Then start wrecking it.
- It'd start with the car.
By now it's obvious to me
that those two are waiting
for the day of the race
to win the concession
for the Stratton sisters.
- Hey boss!
We'll take care of it, boss.
- You?
Not only are you bigger
idiots than Ironhead, you've
got not guts.
- I can make up for that.
- No guns, stupid.
- [Cross Eyes] That's
what I thought you said.
- Mr. Shark, I have an idea.
I think I found the right man.
- The right man?
What we need are men.
All available men.
I wanna see that jalopy
and caravan in pieces,
in small pieces.
(funky ominous music)
(people making commotion)
- Wait.
- [Man] Shove along, Lacy,
come on home, come on.
- Who's caravan is this?
(smash)
- Why do you have to wreck it?
We worked so hard.
Hey.
(smash)
No, don't wreck my caravan.
Not anymore, it's not.
(growls)
You!
Hey, why are you waiting,
aren't you gonna help me?
Hey.
(groans)
- We're the demolition squad.
- Demolition squad?
- Tell 'em to roll up their sleeves.
Hear that?
- Hey Raph, these guys
are putting us to work.
- There'll be some overtime too.
The car.
- On Sunday?
The preacher'll be mad.
- [Shark's Thug] So what?
- Okay, let's forget about the preacher.
- But I tell you one thing.
If he gets mad, you
know what happens then?
Tell him.
- You know what's gonna happen?
I'm leavin'.
- Huh?
(smack)
(upbeat rock music)
(men yelling)
(men screaming)
(thud)
(banging)
- Willy, now listen to me.
Violence is not polite.
(thud)
(screams)
(cheerful ragtime music)
(ban)
(whoosh)
(thudding)
(smack)
(smacking)
(men screaming)
(whooshing)
(laughing)
(thudding)
(whooshing)
(laughing)
(smacking)
(clunk)
(screams)
(crunching)
(groaning)
- I told you not to look!
Turn 'round.
(crunching)
(screaming)
(clunk)
- Turn around.
(creaking)
(smack)
(crash)
(cheerful ragtime piano music)
- Don't slug me, kick me.
(crack)
(screaming)
(thudding)
- No, no, (squeaks).
Don't tweak so hard.
(whoosh)
(thud)
(smack)
- Sit down!
Sit!
- It's freezing!
- Sit.
(thudding)
(laugh)
(clunking)
(clunk)
(clink)
(bashing)
(whistles)
- You.
(high screaming)
(thud)
What now?
- Don't slug me, I can't hit back.
It hurts me just to lift it.
- A stone.
- Put me down, put me down.
(skidding)
(laugh)
- Make room.
Get down or you'll drown.
- Please.
(upbeat rock music)
(clunk)
(cheerful ragtime music)
- [Shark's Thug] Ooh, what's
he got in there, iron?
Oh my foot! (cries)
- Fire one!
(clink)
Fire two.
(clink)
(screams)
- Now that he's out of balls,
let's see what he fires.
Who's nicked my ball, huh?
Don't move.
Don't even breathe.
(whooshing)
(smash)
- Hey, are you crazy?
(laughing)
(laughs) Put the ball back.
Put it back, I said.
Go on, you.
(smack)
(ban)
(clinking)
(whistles)
Strike one.
(clink)
(smash)
- [Angel] Bull's-eye.
(boing)
(screams)
(thud)
(smack)
(thud)
- Bash your brains out.
(cymbals crashing)
(smack)
(thud)
Where'd you learn how to play?
- The Philadelphia Athletics.
- I can't even play in the band.
- Too bad, you could play first base.
- Now I'm gonna play you!
(smacking)
Come here.
- Hey, quick, quick, quick.
Caroline!
- [Linda] Keep out of it, Evelyn!
- Don't touch Caroline.
(thugs laughing)
(whoosh)
(clunk)
Ha, you see that?
UCLA, 1909.
When I threw my javelin,
I set a neck record.
(groans)
It's their tough luck.
- Now it's your tough luck.
Since you're so smart.
- Raph, Raph.
(slam)
No, no, don't smash that case!
- Ah.
- Raph!
(smack)
(thud)
No, no, it's a delicate instrument!
- Instrument.
(crash)
Where is it?
Huh?
Come here.
(cheerful ragtime music)
That does it.
(crashing)
(slam)
(click)
So I see.
(smack)
(clunking)
- [Shark's Thug] Heads up.
He's got it.
(smack)
(crash)
(thud)
- [Shark's Man] Here, hold on to it.
You take it.
- Why me, pass it to Slim.
It's over there.
(thud)
(smack)
- You take it!
(popping)
(clinking)
- Pick these lousy teeth
out of my beard, will ya?
- Ew.
Hey, put that barrel down.
(thud)
(screams)
(whooshing)
Help me, Raph!
(cries)
(crash)
By the skin of my teeth.
I saved your case, put
up a good fight, aye?
- Yeah, by the skin of your teeth.
You also lost that.
And wherever that came
from, I'm sure there's more.
- No, no, no.
(tearing)
Let go of it.
You searched my pockets
like this, so help me.
I programmed everything,
wait a second, Raph.
I worked it out, I
started the ball moving.
You'd be nowhere without
me to make it move.
- Yeah?
Okay, then let's see you make that move.
- Hey Raph, did you see, huh? (laughs)
- Hey.
That 20 is mine.
- Give it to him.
(crash)
- We're poor, but honest.
(thud)
(crash)
Well, he tried.
(clunk)
What'd you say?
- Eh, there was a fly on your ear.
Let me go!
- [Raph] Come down.
(goofy synthesized music)
(crash)
(clink)
- Look at them.
I sent them out demolish, and
they come back demolished.
- It wasn't my idea.
- Starting tomorrow, nobody in High Falls,
and I mean nobody, will ever
mention the word "progressive"
in my presence.
Or the word "progress again", or write it,
or even think it.
Now get outta here.
I said, get out.
They've even put them in order.
- We had to obey or get blown up.
- I'll blow you up.
I'll blast you to hell!
(booming)
(explosions)
(screaming)
(cheerful ragtime music)
- [Man] (laughs) What's that?
- [Guy with Bike] They
call it an automobile.
The front end toots, and
the rough end smokes.
- Come on in.
Not the right moment now.
- How did that dynamite work?
- [Angel] Perfect.
- [Polly] Like the mayor's toilet.
- Shh.
- Ah, it's you who's been
stealing my blasting caps.
And after I warned you, Willy,
not to touch them.
Off you go to bed, without your supper.
Run along.
Polly?
(laughs)
And don't you lead them on, either.
Those two could open
a school for mischief,
but for you, it's a great day.
One of the trombones in the
band has dislocated his jaw.
So we have had to change our program.
(laughs) You can do your solo today.
You can play with the boys in the band.
- I'm really curious to hear them.
- [Professor] Well, let's go then.
- Now?
- [Professor] Yes.
- Like this?
- [Professor] We're waitin'.
- But I'm out of practice.
- Huh, a real musician makes
practice sound wonderful.
Don't be afraid, you'll be brilliant.
- Oh shut up, what do
you know about music?
- It remains to be seen.
(marching band music)
- Raph, that's not your
place, I want the brasses
on the other side.
Now, now, don't waste anymore time.
That's where you belong.
- [Raph] But professor, I don't--
- [Professor] Quiet!
- Look Bedsman, what guy
blows would choke you.
(marching band playing random notes)
(people laughing)
- Hey, look.
- Darn it.
On the other side, quick.
Here.
- But professor, what's difference if I--
- No, don't argue.
You stand there.
Ugh, a piccolo with the brass, what next?
- He's a fine boy inside.
You ought to tell, him,
Angel, you have to explain
everything he doesn't know about.
- [Evelyn] Linda's
right, he's your brother.
- Nah, we're just partly brothers.
He buried his father
upright, just imagine.
One end, so as not to buy so much land.
What should I say, "Raph,
your piccolo case is
where I hid the 2000
dollar for the franchise.
Tomorrow morning, I'll
pay the whole concession
price to the sheriff."
- Yes.
- And that would be the end of me.
(marching band music)
(clunking)
(piccolo music)
(trumpet music)
(piccolo music)
(trumpet music)
(piccolo music)
(trumpet music)
- Mr. Shark, I would like
to make a suggestion.
Contest is set for tomorrow, I'll run that
jalopy off the road.
And they'll end up at the
post office in a Hearse.
That team'll fly.
Come on, make 'em fly!
Faster!
Faster!
- Mr. Shark,
- [Shark] Faster!
- Mr. Shark, may I?
- You may, but my mind's made up.
- It's last Friday's paper, read what it
says under the picture.
- [Shark] Determined to make
mincemeat of Raphael McDonald.
- [Shark's Assistant] Black
Bull, that's the man we need.
- Black man with a car?
A progressive black?
- Maybe, but that's the
only man who can get
rid of them.
Look what the reporter
says, and read the caption
under the picture.
Don't you think that'll
settle our problem?
- No, I'll settle it with my horses.
Besides, he'd never get
here in time, anyway.
- What if he's already here?
(trumpet music)
(piccolo music)
(trumpet music)
- [Band Member] Let's pack
up and go home, fellas.
- [Angel] That was hard
work for me because
I know nothing about music.
Ugh, I can't play anything
but ragtime, so I'll give
it to you.
Like I said, your
practicing was wonderful.
(smash)
No, Raph!
(groans)
Now wait, Raph let me explain
everything to you, huh?
Please let me--
- There's nothing to explain.
You're a liar and a thief!
- Let me at least get a word in, ha?
Please let me get--
- When I get you, (thud)
you have the nerve to come
here, you could do this to me.
I busted my ass, promising
my mother I would look
after you, right?
I brought you up, didn't I?
I sent you to college to earn a degree,
with my money.
And how do you repay me?
You learned to play the bloody trombone.
- But after I did my homework.
- Shame.
- [Angel] I learned to play in my free
time, honest Raph.
I had time for sports
too, I won my letter,
I got my masters'.
- And I didn't even have
time to master a piccolo.
And I said, "Professor,
could I play a small solo
with your band?"
I mad a complete ass
out of myself. (whoosh)
Come here, you thief!
- [Angel] I'm not a thief.
- When I catch you,
I'll damn well kill you.
- That's no way to keep
your promise to Mama.
Mama!
Wait, what did I do wrong?
After all, it's your fault, too.
You never give me time
enough to explain anything.
- I've had enough of you, and Caroline,
and the concession, and her.
- Raph, don't run out on me.
- The next time we meet
up, you'll be lucky
if you can walk out!
(crashing)
- You were lucky once.
- Look Raph, give me time.
You mustn't just up and leave me here.
Raph, I depend on you.
You listening?
(gasps)
- You ruined my career, McDonald.
Now you're gonna pay for it.
- [Angel] Alright, go your own way, Raph.
- Oh no you don't. (crash)
(groans)
Why is he blinking?
Still sleepy?
- Yeah, hear his eyelids click?
- My blink is a nervous tic.
- [Slim] And this is a click. (clunk)
(screams)
(crash)
(funky ominous music)
(groaning)
- Break, break, break his dirty neck.
(crash)
(clunk)
He can't see you, fire two.
(thud)
(groans)
(slam)
(crash)
(thud)
(crash)
(groans)
(thudding)
- Come on man, stand up and hit me.
Come on, I'm waitin'.
(thud)
(groans)
(crunch)
(yells)
(thud)
(crash)
(laughs)
- Now I'm waiting.
(crash)
Come on, come on.
- [Raph] I'm comin'.
Wanna bite?
(clang)
(slam)
(crash)
Get up.
(whistles)
(groaning)
(crashing)
Someone up there doesn't like it. (laughs)
(laughing
(clang)
Watch it, this round is with you.
- [Angel] Now, now,
Raph, don't get excited.
(bang)
Let me explain.
- Shut up!
- [Angel] I made up that
sleeping pill story.
I needed the money for the concession.
(slam)
If I don't' get the
Sheriff that 2000 dollars
tomorrow, we're out of the race and it's
goodbye transport agency.
You can't leave me now.
- You get in my way, and I'll run over ya!
Forget the 2000, forget
I exist, you crook.
(peaceful music)
- We started a night to remember happily,
with song. (laughs)
(cries)
(sheep bleets)
(bell ringing)
- All participants in
the contest are requested
to align their means of
transportation behind
the starting ribbon.
We remind the public, that
it'll stand along the road.
(people cheering)
Anybody wishing to watch the
arrival of the contestants
is requested to go to the valley.
To the post office.
The last wagon is leaving now.
(fireworks exploding)
(cheerful marching band music)
We remind you, that there
is still time to contest.
- [Bill] You sure you don't wanna race?
- I'm positive.
- [Man] Hooray, hooray!
Let's start the race.
Hooray, hooray!
- Get a horse.
- Just my luck, when I'm ready to leave,
she won't start.
(crying)
What's the matter?
Andy?
- Andy. (sobs)
Andy.
- The little lamb, they
roasted it. (sniffles)
(whistling)
- Where is it?
- [Polly] There. (cries)
- This banquet is not taking place.
(smashing)
(people screaming)
(thudding)
(smack)
- They started it.
(groans)
(thudding)
- [Shark's Thug] They
wanna stop the contest.
(glass breaking)
(people yelling)
- [Mayor's Deputy] Oh, the violence.
- [Mayor] Now, everyone.
We set an example ever so often.
Go get 'em, conservatives.
- Now, start the race!
- That's against the rules, we
still have five more minutes.
- Start it, or I'll break your damn watch.
(honking)
(smack)
(thudding)
(smacking)
(smack)
- Get away from me.
(crash)
(thudding)
(bashing)
- Start the race.
(smacking)
(crash)
(cheerful band music)
(whistling loudly)
- [Shark's Thug] The lasso's ready.
(horse neighing)
(crash)
- [Raph] Oh, shit.
- [Shark's Thug] Here he comes, run, run!
(sheep bleeting)
(peaceful lullaby music)
- We didn't want you to leave.
- You're not a couple of kids.
You're a couple of monsters.
- Oh, but it's your fault,
because you're nice.
- That's nice, Raph, and
because you'd have missed
the bonanza of a lifetime, Brother.
(gun shot)
Hey, at the next shot, we start.
Me, you, and Caroline, huh?
We're all signed up for the race.
- My money!
- Run, run, get out of here.
- Hand over my money or I'll smash you
to pieces, you crook.
- Now wait a minute.
Raph, don't be crazy.
We start at the next shot.
- Off with the conservatives,
pull up the car.
Go on the car, down to the (mumbles).
(screech)
- Have a look at the crook behind you.
- Now I'll make my comeback,
this is a hundred horses.
- [Sheriff] Did you hear
that, a hundred horsepower.
Hey, where you all going?
- A hundred horsepower.
I'm gonna smash you to smithereens.
- Look, we haven't got
a second to lose, eh?
You can smash me afterwards, okay?
- [Sheriff] On your marks, get set, go.
(gun shot)
- Push.
Keep pushing.
Bat shit.
Now what?
- I gotta feeling I'm
gonna smash you right now.
- Wait a minute.
- [Raph] There's nothing to wait for.
Your race is over, see.
No motor.
The garage, come on, push.
Hurry, hurry.
- [Raph] You mean the professor's barn?
It's uphill.
- We gotta get her out of sight, faster.
(goofy synthesizer music)
(crash)
It was all figured, one
for there, one for here.
I never suspected what this
devil nicknamed Archangel
would think of to stop us.
- Take our idea and stuff it up your nose.
Professor.
- Hey, wait.
The archangels!
(people cheering)
I think I got it, but I
better test it on you.
This is right.
Tighten this.
- I you think I'm gonna fly, you're crazy.
- This one here, the
other one there, I'm just
using you as a model.
- Not gonna fly.
- One goes like this, the other like this.
- Oh, watch where you put your hand.
- Yeah, let's see where we put our hands.
Keep one on this pole, and the other one
on this pole here.
- Oh, our hands, you mean yours, Brother.
- Nah, I've had a lot
of practice, don't worry
about me, I fought a war
with things like this.
They who whoo!
(screaming)
Control it, I'm coming!
- [Raph] I can't control myself!
(peaceful instrumental music)
Ooh, what the hell kind
of war did you fight?
- I sprayed poison on Spanish flies.
See Raph, they stay up just
fine, I told you, the wind.
- The wings yes, but my pants, nooo!
- Sure, we're not angels!
(epic peaceful instrumental music)
(people cheering)
(crashing)
- Hey, conservatives, you
just lost the concession.
- Come on, fly.
Up yours.
(laughs)
- [Woman spectator] Shark can still win.
- [Male Spectator] What's gonna stop him?
- A miracle from Heaven.
- [Woman Spectator] A miracle?
(epic peaceful instrumental music]
- Raise the wings like
this, we're landing!
- I'm raising mine!
But when I hit ground,
I'm gonna clip yours!
(groans)
- [Angel] Wanna go back
to that grease pit,
then get up and run.
- [Raph] Run where?
- Those ruins over there, that's our goal.
At Boston College, I was
twice cross-country champion,
and I can still run.
- With my 500 dollars!
Bastard.
What are we telling them?
That we're transport by plane?
- Come here.
- [Raph] I don't see any
goal, all I see is a haystack.
- [Angel] Just wait.
- [Raph] Oh, damn it, all
I need is a sprained ankle.
What the hell are you up to now?
- Pull the rope.
- [Raph] Huh?
- All programmed, all organized.
Caroline first, Caroline second.
One going, one coming back.
Hope in.
(horn honking)
(whipping)
(yelling)
- [Mr. Pilot] We are
rid of them, Mr. Shark.
- [Shark] Finally.
- [Mr. Pilot] We made them eat our dust.
- Conservatives, up yours.
- Make 'em fly.
Those two bastards are still in the race.
Faster!
(yells)
(cheerful ragtime music)
(crowd cheering)
- Angel!
- Raph. (laugh)
- As of this moment, the
Stratton concession begins.
- Stratton, yes. (laughs)
- Because it belongs to the sisters now.
- I guess.
(screaming)
(laughing)
The sisters?
- The Strattons.
- You mean for Miss Goggle
Eyes and Miss Google Eyes,
you made me a big, a big!
- Listen, I have a proposition to make.
(smack)
I'll chase you clear to Hell and back!
- Linda, Linda, hurry!
(crash)
- Hey, you want your motor?
I only borrowed it.
- I never expected that from you.
We nearly lose the concession.
- [Raph] We lost it anyway!
- No, no, Raph, no!
- Now I've got you.
All my life, I've coddled
you and now I'm through!
- [Angel] Let me explain!
(screams)
(splash)
- I'm through!
(splash)
- They are mad men!
- Tell me truth, what
was between you and her?
Tell me, the truth, or I'll!
- Shame on you!
Raph!
You are failing to
honor your word to Mama!
- Don't you mention Mama to me.
Tell me the truth!
(splashing)
- Somebody!
Pull 'em apart!
- [Angel] It was love at first sight.
- [Raph] Which one?
(splash)
- Evelyn, we met in the general store!
- [Raph] And you bought her bill of goods
for love, you jerk!
I'm gonna drown you.
(epic peaceful instrumental music)
- Get him, for Christ's sake.
- I want my money.
- Raph, see.
- Peek at the ground, you!
Hip hip hooray, petroleum at last.
I told 'ya, we'd find oil!
- Taste it.
Right?
We're rich!
We're rich!
- [Professor] Great day!
- We made it, Little Brother! (laughs)
We are rich, we are rich, we are rich.
We're rich, we're rich, we're filthy rich.
- [Angel] Professor, you beat us all.
(cackles)
- I bet this belongs to them.
- It's ours, they have the concession--
- It's ours, it's ours?
- We have the oil land!
Yeah, so let's get married!
(screaming)
- Hey rain, rain!
(cackling)
- (Laughs) We're all black,
now we're all one family.
- Last pass, yeah.
- At last, right.
(laughs)
(cracking)
(cheerful ragtime music)
♫ Oh, mommy my
♫ Oh, mommy my