Watermelon Man (1970) - full transcript

Jeff Gerber, an insurance agent, lives in a typical suburban neighborhood. He is also both racist and a fitness freak. But Jeff's bigoted world of taunting and harassing black people on and off the job is turned upside down when his skin inexplicably turns dark overnight. As Jeff tries to come to terms with this unexplained phenomenon that has befallen him, he soon becomes the victim himself when all of his friends and neighbors suddenly shun and harass him. This puts a strain on his marriage and loyal wife Althea, who begins to crack under the pressure. When all medical attempts to change his skin back to his former color fail, Jeff accepts that Kharma has caught up with him. Jeff tries to see the light of being a persecuted black man in this cruel and segregated world with the help of some of some new black friends, some of whom were people he, as a white man, taunted and harassed.

79, 80, 80, jump, 82,

83, 84, 85, 86...

Come on, harder.

Come on, yell.

# Jimmy crack corn,

and I don't care

# Jimmy crack corn, and I don't

care, my master's gone away

Take that, my good man.

Oh, you are fast,

Muhammad Ali.

You are fast, all right.

Ooh! Rabbit punch.

Jesus, ref, are you blind?

You're a credit to your race.

...damage estimated

in the millions.

It's the 3rd such outbreak

in this area this month

And reflects the unrest

that has plagued the area.

Since early last year

when similar conflagrations

arose all across the country...

Morning, troops.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hey, Burton.

Should another such incident

occur, he would be compelled to ask

for special federal riot troops,

an action that no one wants.

Least of all, the White House

which has been hopeful

That such disturbances were over,

at least for the time being.

That's got to be the smallest screen

in the world. #They look like ants.

They're getting

very dangerous.

A screen that size ought to

only have 15-minute shows.

Get it?

Small screen, small shows.

You said that yesterday.

You didn't get it

yesterday either.

It wasn't funny yesterday any

more than it'll be funny tomorrow.

Critics everywhere.

Aren't you concerned

with the civil rights issue?

Yeah, sure. Most

people are just crazy.

They think at any moment a

negro's gonna hit 'em over the head

with a watermelon and

steal their high school ring.

I think white people

have to show greater interest and

understanding. How else... - Look, Althea.

Your bus will be coming by soon.

I'd like to give 'em a head

start. Makes a contest out of it.

It is now post time.

Thank you, my dear.

Off to another smash

week in the insurance gig.

I want you to know that I

feel I'm leading a boring life.

I am so advised. - You

were so advised yesterday.

It wasn't funny yesterday

either. - Don't kiss me.

I wasn't gonna kiss you, it's just

that my shorts are too tight, that's all.

Mommy, can we watch daddy run

out the door? - No, you may not.

Oh, boy. - There

goes your stupid bus.

Doesn't stand a chance.

There he is,

the son of a bitch!

Step on it, you

got him by 50 yards!

Sorry, folks, I got to

make a stop at this corner.

have your exact

change ready, folks.

Come on.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

go! Go! Go! Go!

hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

oh, shit.

Winner, and still undefeated, folks.

Pay some respectful homage,

please. Some applause, please?

Shows you have good

taste, lady. - Fare, please.

Arrogant, arrogant.

They're all arrogant.

In the good old days,

back in the old south,

you'd have to

drive from back here!

Get it? Back of the bus? - Why

don't you take all the money you save

racing this bus

and race a cab?

That is very funny.

Hey, driver,

you hear that?

I'm only good

for short distances.

100 yards, maybe.

But over a long haul,

They just don't

have it in 'em.

# Camptown race

track 5 Miles long

# doo-dah, doo-dah

# Camptown race track

5 Miles long

see you tomorrow, fans.

Same time, same station.

Yeah, you're not such a big shot when

it rains, are you? When it rains, you ride.

No, no, when

it rains, it pours.

Come on, Joe. Hey, Joe,

come on. Come on, come on.

Mornin', Mr. Gerber.

- Ah, mornin', Joe. How goes it?

Oh, Ok. - Any rioting in

the neighborhood last night?

Uh, I don't see

any broken windows.

What's the matter? This

place ain't good enough to loot?

Oh, Mr. Gerber.

The usual, Mr. Gerber? - Oh,

yes. Uh, but make mine a double.

I'm feeling a bit

under par this morning.

Oh. One double

Polynesian health juice.

Comin' up.

Hey, uh, no offense about that,

uh, that looting remark, you know?

Oh, no, Mr. Gerber. - I know

you don't go for that sort of thing.

No, Ok. - And of

course, if you did,

it would be very hard for

the police to identify you.

I mean, an hour later...

all you cats look alike.

All us guys look...

oh, Mr. Gerber.

Here's to your health.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Gerber.

Hello, no, goodbye.

- Hey, Joe,

There's an extra nickel in there

for you. - Thank you, Mr. Gerber.

Tip. - Thank you,

Mr. Gerber. Forget it.

Ok, buddy, this is a hijack.

Take this elevator to Harlem.

Hey, how'd you do

on the poker game, Andy?

Uh, uh, ok, fine.

Hey, uh, when

are you and Dotty

comin' over to the house

to try out my new barbecue?

Oh, uh, soon... soon.

R... r... real soon.

5 Saturdays in a row

I asked you.

I'm beginnin' to think

y'all don't like us.

Don't be silly, it's...

it's... it's just that, uh...

Ok. Then we'll expect

you next Saturday at 17:00,

And no more excuses

about the children being sick.

Well, actually, uh, Dotty

hasn't been feeling well.

Get her cured by the weekend.

Sluts, sluts. All of you,

sluts. Next thing you know,

You'll be smoking

cigarettes. Hello, there, Erica,

you gorgeous hunk

of Sweden. - Norway.

Norway, Sweden, what

difference does it make?

As long as you're

a blonde. Are you?

Just curious.

I mean, how many girls

are really blonde all

the way? Collars and cuffs?

Excuse me, Mr. Gerber,

But I must get back to my desk.

1 $ if you walk

fast and stop short.

2 $ if you trot.

5 $ if you run.

And 10 $ if you're

really a blonde.

Gerber! In here.

Yes, sir, Mr. Townsend.

And 50 $ if you're

a fella. Ah!

The top of the morning to you,

Mr. Townsend. How are you?

Gerber, sit down and stop being

so damn happy. It's depressing.

Yes, sir. - Gerber, I am

not going to mince words.

You have turned in a very disappointing

month. - Well, I must say I agree with you.

But considering

the time of year...

Look, I'm just pointing out it's a

subproductive month. I'm not asking why.

It's income tax time. Though

people die, They seldom buy.

Gerber, look, I may as well

come right out and say this.

It's time somebody told you...

- I've got bad breath. Bad breath.

You got something

much worse than that.

Offensive perspiration,

midriff bulge, uh,

dingy dentures, Asiatic crud.

There, that's exactly

that kind of a remark.

You, Gerber, are a smart ass.

A number one,

king-size smart ass!

I'm the best salesman in

this office. - You were.

But your rate of new policies is

dropping. - Here, I've been going about

particularly trying to sell

policies only to younger men

who can live longer,

and pay premiums longer,

and you don't appreciate it.

Anybody can sell a policy to a 90-year-old

man with a cough and the shingles.

Listen to me, Gerber, your

customers curl up their toes

at the same rate as all

of our other customers.

Yeah, well, of course, if 23 of my

customers go down in a sailing boat accident,

that's bound to raise the

mortality rate! - What sailing boat?

Uh, in the squall. What squall?

- Oh, no, no, it was the train, the train.

33 of them went right off

the trestle. - What train?

Uh, would you believe a...

a tidal wave in Kansas City?

A...a... a volcano in Poughkeepsie?

Uh, mass suicides in Fire island.

Gerber! - Ok, Mr...

Mr. Townsend,

about your breath...

Hey, look, make it easier

on yourself. Home, office?

Your house.

Ok, then. Tuesday.

17:30, very good.

Good show.

See you then, John.

6 out of 6.

The kid does tricks.

Clark Dunwoodie, please.

Oh, hi. Hey, Clark.

Jeff Gerber,

Superior standard life.

Hey, how about that lunch

I've been promising you, huh?

Good show.

Anytime you say.

Local black leaders

doing their utmost

to keep their pledge...

What are you trying to

prove with all that running?

Don't bug me, Althea,

I had a traumatic day.

13 appointments

out of 15 calls.

Is that all you watch?

Race riots?

What are you, perverse?

It's an important problem.

...was announced that

should a request be made

for federal intervention,

army units would be

immediately made available...

I was watching. - I'm

gonna have my dinner

without watching

a bunch of uppity darkies

jigging up and down on my TV

screen. - Why are you so hateful?

I'm not hateful, and don't start

telling me I have a personality problem.

I said no such thing. I merely

tried to point out that there's an issue

in this country today. That has

to do with the equal rights of man.

What kind of dinner is this?

What kind of dinner is this, huh?

Eskimos chew on blubber.

There's your old persecution

complex. Whenever you're hurt, attack.

Well, that's what

this is all about.

I don't want you

staying up too late, Burton.

You should've done

that this afternoon.

Go to sleep, dear.

Maybe tomorrow morning

I'll let you watch your

father run out of the house.

Why can't he walk

like everybody else?

Perhaps he's afraid

somebody will catch him.

Kids at school

laugh at him.

They call me,

"Son of speedy."

Why does daddy

race buses, mommy?

Nobody seems to know, dear.

Is it like some people

save stamps? - Yes, exactly.

Some people save stamps,

some make model airplanes,

some drink, some smoke pot.

Well, your father

races busses.

If he smoked pot,

he'd get there faster.

Good night, children.

Uh, our house is worth

37.000 $ on the open market.

Mmm, that's nice. - That's

17 % more than we paid for it.

Mmm, you need

a haircut. - Oh.

Are we gonna get ready for bed

early tonight? It's Wednesday.

Wednesday? - Mmm-hmm

- It's Monday.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

Forget it.

I'm going to bed.

You'll know where

to find me. - Yes.

How come you are

not watching the riots?

Haven't started yet.

What's the movie?

- I don't know.

What's the commercial?

- I don't know.

Keep yourself pretty

well-informed, don't you?

I think we have to face up to

something. - Oh, look. Don't start.

You can't stand the

sight of me. - I can so.

You can't stand to

touch me. - Wrong again.

There's no

passion in our life.

There's plenty of passion

in our life.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

What?

Look, sweetie, I've had a hard

day. - I know you're tired, but...

At least let me wake up

on your side of the bed

like we used to,

Thursday mornings.

As soon as Janice was born,

We stopped going to bed.

Now, that's an exaggeration.

We can't afford

more than 2 children.

Unless we have 6 at one time.

That way, everything's free.

And we can give them all

away, except the spotted one.

We can make love without

having children, you know.

There are methods, there are

devices. - They're not foolproof.

They are if you use

them all at the same time.

I'm not making love

to any heavy tank.

I've still got some

good years left, Jeff.

Jesus.

I take something,

And I wear something,

And I keep count,

and if you...

Jeff.

Jeff.

We were so right

to come here, dearest.

To get away.

Yes, Ralph, I know.

It's lovely.

Being with you, Sylvia.

Being with you, Ralph.

it marks the first time

Federalized troops

have been used in this city.

Black leaders have warned

that should such a situation...

How now,

Brown cow.

It's a nightmare.

That's what it is,

old buddy. A nightmare.

Must be something you ate.

That's right,

something you ate.

Put up your hands.

Give me your

high school ring.

A nightmare

Or too much sun lamp.

Boy, what a great sun lamp.

Althea.

I'm having a nightmare

about my sun lamp.

So don't wake up

And try and talk me

out of it.

It's just a little nightmare

about a great sun lamp.

I'm going back to bed now.

I know that when I wake

up again in the morning,

My skin will be

lovely and white.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

Because as long as you're

asleep, It's a nightmare.

But if you wake up

and begin screaming,

It won't be a

nightmare anymore.

And I don't want

that to happen.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

As long as you're

asleep, it's a nightmare.

And all night long,

it'll be a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's not a nightmare.

Sure is an even tan.

What a great sun lamp.

What a great nightmare

about a great sun lamp.

That's an old wife's tale.

Daddy?

Mommy says I can watch you

run out of the house today.

Dad, you in

the shower? - Yes.

I'm having a nightmare.

Can we watch you

run out of the house?

Uh, no, sweetheart, I... I...

I won't be going to work today.

I'm not feeling well.

But mommy said.

Dad, the whole house

is getting steamed up.

So is your old man.

Listen, Burton?

Yeah? - Uh, tell your mother

to get you both off to school,

and then come in here.

You mean, you won't

be racing the bus today?

Don't ever bring up

the race issue again.

Oh, Lord, I've never

been a religious man.

I won't try to

kid you about that.

I don't go to church, and I only

pray when I'm feeling scared or rotten.

I meant to pray last night.

Perhaps you're angry

because I didn't.

Anyway, Lord,

I'm in trouble now.

Which is why I'm

trying to make contact.

Please, Lord, make it

all be a terrific nightmare.

And will you see a nice

person come out of this shower?

I want you to know

that I am a true believer.

There are no

atheists in this shower.

I'm praying now, Lord.

Do you hear me?

If you hear me,

don't say or do anything.

Good. Ok, Lord.

I'm coming out now.

And I wouldn't care

if I gained 20 pounds

as long as I'm white.

Here I come, Lord.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff there's

a negro in your shower!

It is not a negro.

- Yes, yes, yes, it is, it is.

I saw him. Call

the police, he'll kill us.

I am not a negro.

I'm me.

If this is another one of your

jokes... - Now look, Althea,

I'm coming out

of this shower again

and I want no

screaming, you hear?

Now, there's a logical answer

to this,but we'll never find out

if I dry up into a

prune in this shower.

Now I'm coming out

again, you hear? Ok?

Yes. Ok.

now, hand me a towel.

All right. Here I

come, ready or not.

Open your eyes, Althea,

I need a friendly opinion.

Did you have to give me

a white towel? You simp.

Boy, you sure have a

warped sense of humor, baby.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my good God.

Oh, shut up, there is no

God. He don't give a damn.

You... you look like a negro.

- I know what I look like. Shut up.

I mean a dark one. - I mean,

I mean, if I didn't know you...

Will you shut up, Althea?

Oh, oh, should I

hide the money?

Oh, you are hilarious.

H... how do you

know you're you?

That's the dumbest thing you've

ever said. Of course I know it's me.

I can tell from my bridge

work. Look. See? Huh? Huh?

Your teeth are very white.

- That's the contrast.

And your hair. - My hair's

always been naturally curly.

W... w... what about

your birthmarks?

I can't find them anymore.

Maybe I've been

overdoing the sun lamp a bit.

A bit! If you spent

as much time in bed

As you do under that sun lamp,

Maybe we would have more children.

This is no time to

discuss additional children.

No, I'd say not. What

would the neighbors think

If we'd have colored kids

running around! - I am not colored!

Well, that's your story. When's

the last time you looked in the mirror?

I... it's the sun lamp, isn't it? Because

you wouldn't be teasing me like that

iIf it wasn't the sun lamp,

'cause you're not a cruel person.

Don't you touch me.

- Oh, boy. You're a treat.

You're something to have

around in an emergency.

You know, you know, it's very

strange. My mother always thought

you were a little

on the dark side.

I mean, she never came

right out and asked me.

Your mother is in no position

to judge other people's races.

The way her eyes slant up, my

mother always thought she was Chinese.

Silliest thing I ever

heard. - Oh, yeah?

Well, then how come

her feet are so small?

And... and how come whenever

you asked her when she was born,

she always says "the year of the dragon"?

And how come she was always so anxious

to... to wash my shirts?

Does that sound like a

white woman to you, huh?

My mother has

almond-shaped eyes.

So has Mao Tse-Tung.

She eats too damn much rice.

If you ask me, she's a

member of the Red guard.

All right, Jeff, all right.

But it isn't a Chinese

issue we're discussing.

We'r- It's a sun lamp issue.

Well, that may

very well be, but you...

you certainly can't go

to the office like that.

Oh, my God,

what time is it?

Gladys is in the office now.

That's the first thing.

I got to report in sick.

You can't tell her that

you woke up sunburned.

Sometime, Althea, sometime.

Look, I won't be

coming in today.

Well, I'm, uh,

feeling a bit off color.

Anyway, uh, Gladys,

uh, look, just cancel all my

appointments for the day, Ok?

Tell 'em I'll call 'em

tomorrow, Ok? Ok. Thank you.

The trick is to be

logical and rational.

I got a warrantee around

here for that sun lamp.

Let's see, logical

and rational, yeah.

You really think it's

the sun lamp, don't you?

Oh, you'd like me to be

colored, wouldn't you?

Well, not really.

But it would serve you right

with that attitude

of white supremacy.

Well, I didn't see you exactly

runnin' over to hug and kiss me

when you thought

I was a negro.

I was upset because I

thought you were a stranger.

Oh, beans. If it was

a white stranger

coming out of that shower,

you'd have humped him.

Ah, here it is. They're

a reputable company.

I'm sure this has happened

before. - Yeah, all over Africa.

Oh, just keep it up,

baby. Just keep it up.

Hello, I'd like to speak...

To... to speak to

somebody with regard

to your sun lamp

model L. T.34x.

Oh, it's working, all right.

A...a little bit too well.

Uh, uh, thank you.

They're switching

me to the manager.

Hello, my name is Gerber.

Uh, I've got one of your

model L. T.34x sun lamps.

Uh, serial number 36677231.

Uh, yeah. Well, the problem is...

that's an old wife's tale. Excuse me.

Uh, the problem is, uh,

it's made me rather dark.

Whew.

Well, a little darker

than was necessary.

Uh, yes, once in the morning,

and, uh, once at night.

Uh, yes, I...

I... I use a lotion.

Uh, well, it's kind

of my own concoction.

Uh, baby oil, cocoa

butter, iodine, and soy sauce.

About one third soy sauce. Well,

of course you never heard of it.

It's my own formula.

L... look, you don't

seem to understand.

It's left me very tan.

Yes, very.

Dark.

Very dark.

Yes, very.

You stupid!

No, it's not a joke.

I am not sir Percival

pulling your leg.

42, Tangerine Lane, and

I'm a dissatisfied customer.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Can you beat that?

They want to send

me a new sun lamp.

That's very

sporting of them.

What the hell am I going

to do with a new sun lamp?

Well, maybe

you could mate them.

You're just having a dandy

time, boy. - Oh, relax, Jeff.

Althea,

you wouldn't hug me unless you

really thought I was white, right?

Oh, poor baby,

don't worry.

You'll be white again.

Hey, wait a minute.

- What is it?

There are things we can do.

I mean, what do they do

when they want to look white?

Th... they must use salves and

creams. - Hair straighteners.

I don't want my hair straightened,

I want my skin straightened.

What the hell else are we talkin'

about? - Where are you going?

To one of their

drugstores. Call me a cab.

Your cab's here.

What are you doing?

- The door's not open on the cab.

Go on out there and

open the door on the cab.

Take me to

the colored section.

Nice neighborhood. What do

you do there? Mow the lawn?

What do they pay you? - I get

to sleep with the lady of the house.

Would you put

your hands down?

All I want is a pair of sunglasses.

Now, look, I got a skin problem.

What's this, and this?

Get me a paper bag.

No, better yet, get me

a box, a box, a big box.

There you go. All right, let's

see now. Uh-huh, white, yeah.

Ok, give me some of

these. Yeah. Pearl sheen.

Uh-huh, all right.

Now, let's see now.

Ah, try some of this

white folk stuff here.

Now, let's see

here, that's good.

"Beautiful bleach", that's

probably great. "Miracle wash."

Hair straightener.

That'll help.

More processing stuff, there.

All right.

Remember, if anybody asks

you if you ever saw me in here,

You never laid

eyes on me. Ok?

Mum's the word.

Any change?

- No.

But I don't imagine

it would be immediate.

I mean, I don't think

any intelligent negro

expects it to be immediate.

Don't be so militant.

It's different. I'm

not militant, I'm white.

I expect it to be immediate.

- We've rubbed in 4 different brands.

Don't you think

we ought to stop?

Come on, put on some more

hair straightener. Come on. Here.

Jeffrey, I don't want

you to get all excited,

but I do think

you're a little whiter.

It's hard to tell

through the cream.

Y-yeah, I think you're right.

Ar... ar... around the neck here, right?

Especially around the neck.

- Uh-huh, and around the chin?

Yes, the chin, too. - And...

and around the nose, mmm?

Yes. - You're

lying to me, Althea!

Don't lie to me, Althea.

Just don't lie to me.

Oh, this is crazy. I don't

want to be this color.

What are you doing

up there? - Calm down.

Oh, I'll yell all I want.

He can't hear me.

He's the white man's God.

- Jeff, you're not a negro.

Oh, my goodness, I'm getting darker.

Come on. Get all this crap off me.

Come on, quick.

Oh, my God, I need more.

Oh, come on,

I'm getting darker.

Jeff, calm down. - I can't

take a... I can't take a shower.

'cause if I take a shower,

my body will shrink and...

Will you calm down, the children will

be coming home from school soon.

And I don't want you

getting them upset.

Upset? Wait until they find

out they have a colored daddy.

Huh? Wait till I get down

my knee and I sing mammy.

You got yourself

into it, Jeff.

Oh, my goodness,

th... these creams don't work.

No wonder negroes riot.

I mean, these

are worthless hoaxes.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm your father.

- Sure, hi, dad.

Hi, dad.

- Um,

don't you have anything

you want to say to me?

Your face is dirty. - That's a

nice thing to say to your father.

Sure is a heck of a tan you got,

dad. You look like a colored man.

That's very good. Thank you,

Burton. We could use you at the UN.

Come on, kids. I'll get your

dinner ready. - What are we having?

Black-eyed peas, hominy

grits, corn bread, ham hocks.

What's with him?

Didn't get to race his bus

this morning. He's a little upset.

Why are you doing that,

daddy? - Doing what, sweetheart?

Racing busses.

- Come on, Janice,

you don't want your

ham hocks to get cold.

In here, or in

the dining room?

What is it?

- I got to see.

Maybe it's

the lighting in here.

Maybe in the daylight,

I'll look less colored.

What are you going to do?

I'm going for a

walk. - Where to?

In the backyard.

How brave of you.

Well, you're certainly

getting whiter whites

These days.

Aren't you, Mrs. Johnson?

Oh, yes, I'm using

a new detergent.

Well, I wish you'd

tell my wife the brand

because we have a few

things around our house

that really need whitening.

Jeff, are you

all right? - Yeah.

You're hardly breathing.

I don't want to ruin it.

You look like

a birthday cake.

It's getting very late. Can't

you at least lie down in bed?

I'm afraid I'll roll over

and destroy the mold.

All right.

- Althea?

Yes?

- My last words:

pray for me.

Jeff? Jeff, are you asleep?

My God, you've set.

Jeff, Jeff, are you breathing?

How to do this?

Try not to hurt you.

I'm sorry about that.

Jeff, can you speak? How

do you feel? Can you speak?

Like a broken leg.

Oh, thank God

you're all right.

My beard is strangling me.

I'll have you out in a jiffy.

Be careful

with that chisel.

Careful with that chisel,

I've got enough dimples.

I think I'm getting

the hang of it now.

What color am I?

- Uh, well, uh,

uh, I'll have to open the blinds.

- W... w... wait, do it gradually.

Remove a little around

the ears. - All righty.

W... w... w... what color am I?

Uh, did you drink

any more milk?

Yeah, I had another quart, and

then my hand was paralyzed.

Oh, poor thing. You know,

if we'd only known,

I could've rigged you

up a tube or something.

What color am I, Althea?

- Well, uh, let's see.

Tell me the truth, but

tell me I'm white, Althea.

You're white.

- Oh, God.

Dark white.

- What?

Well, I'm sure you're white, But

you're a little on the dark side.

Wait. Get me to a mirror.

I'm black! I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm a nigger!

Jeff,

you'll have a stroke.

I don't want a stroke.

I want appendicitis.

I want to throw myself

off a bridge, out of a window.

Althea, I want my whiteness back.

Oh!

Where's that schmucky white

knight on that schmucky white horse?

Stick me. Stick me.

Turn me white. Rinso-white.

Rinso-white.

- Jeff, the neighbors.

The neighbors, the neighbors,

the neighborhood.

There goes the neighborhood.

There it goes. - Jeff, stop that.

I'm black!

Oh, milk.

Oh, cleanse me,

oh, great milk.

Ah. Oh, clean me, great milk.

Make me free again.

You're white. You're

a nut, but you're white.

I want all the mirrors

removed from this house, woman.

That's a direct order

from your husband, Othello.

Oh, you stupid little boy, is

this the way you face a problem?

Shut up!

You've abused your skin.

You've dyed your skin.

Yes, yes, I... I did.

W... wasn't that silly of me?

It was stupid.

- Yes, stupid. Insane.

Insane.

- Crazy. - Crazy.

Idiotic.

- Shut up.

Well, I got to get back to work.

You might as well

forget this day and...

So just relax.

The kids are off to school.

Come on down, I'll

make you some breakfast.

I am not sure. This

emotionalizing isn't retarding your skin

from returning

to its normal color.

You're making

great sense, Althea.

I don't know, maybe... maybe

we needed this little emergency to, uh,

Make us realize how much

we need and love each other.

I sure hate to think every married

couple Has to get all shook up like this

just to see how

much they're in love.

No riots yesterday.

Maybe that's a good omen.

Jeff, the ku klux klan

never rings the bell.

Ah, Gerber? - Yes.

- Couple of packages here.

I want you sign right here. - We

didn't order anything. - Sun lamp.

Just put...

Jeff, Jeff, stop it!

Jeff!

Jeff!

Wait a minute!

- Jeff, Jeff, stop!

Get me out of here!

- Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jef!

I don't think I know you.

- Jeff, back! I said, back.

Jeff! Jeff!

Back, back.

I said, back.

Back. Back,

Jeff, Jeff, back.

back, back. I said, back.

Get back. Just get back.

back, back, back.

Back, back, back.

I said, Jeff, back down.

Jesus!

Talk about black power.

I'm... I'm terribly sorry.

- That's all right.

Never mind.

I must have the wrong

address. Put it on my head.

Why?

- Ha? Why?

That guy needs a sun lamp like

Fred Astaire needs dancing lessons.

Look, just close the door

behind me, that's all. Let me go.

I heard. I heard him.

- So you heard?

He thinks I'm colored.

So what? You

thought you were colored.

Until you learned the facts, you

thought you were colored, right?

So? - So why shouldn't

he think you're colored?

You're right again, Althea.

I tell you, you're a growing

source of strength to me.

You could've killed

that man. - I suppose so.

The negroes in the city

have enough trouble

without your killing

a white man.

And what is that

supposed to mean?

What's wrong with dad,

mom? - Too much sun lamp.

Ooga, booga, doo.

I'm getting

whiter and whiter.

Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

Ooga, booga, dooga,

doo. Me, friend.

Not funny.

- You got enough milk?

Yeah. - Think you're

getting any whiter?

No, but my skin

is getting lovely and soft.

You know, you've been in there

3 hours. You're going to marinate.

Isn't it cold?

- Yeah, a little.

Want me to warm it up a little?

- You know I hate warm milk.

Have you decided whether or not

you're going to work tomorrow?

I'm going to work. - I promised the kids

they could watch you run out of the house.

Did you promise

them they could stay up

and watch the cross

burn on our front lawn?

Well, is there

anything I can get you?

A box of Graham

crackers or some Bosco?

I don't need companionship.

I've got my book.

Yes, I know, voodoo

without killing chickens.

They told me at the

library it's number one in Haiti.

Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

- Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

Bon voyage.

Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

Ooga, dooga, booga, doo.

The bus!

The bus is coming, yay!

There he is!

Back in action!

let's go, man.

Let's go. Let's go.

Is that him?

What happened to him?

Of course it's him. Has to be

him. What happened to him?

Son of a bitch! Look, som- It's him!

He's catching up!

He's catching up!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Police!

Stop! Thief!

Where are you

running, sea biscuit?

Police violence!

Sure. What's in the case?

Shoes.

Whose?

Mine.

Neighborhood isn't safe

anymore. - I didn't do anything!

Neighborhood isn't safe anymore.

It's terrible. Just terrible. - Break it up.

Shoes.

- I told you.

Try 'em on,

Cinderella. - What?

Well, they're yours,

all right. - I told you!

Somebody got a

complaint against this man?

Somebody see him steal

anything? Speak up.

I didn't see him, but he must have.

- What is it, officer? What did this man do?

Oh, they stick together.

- What did he do?

He stole something. - What did I

steal? Who saw me steal something?

Anybody see this

man steal anything?

A purse, a wallet?

How about a brand-new

color TV set?

You know this man? - This man's

a regular passenger on my bus.

He was runnin' for the bus.

Since when is there a law

against runnin' for the bus?

All right,

break it up, folks.

Break it up.

Shoo-shoo. Come on.

Hey, uh, what

happened to you, man, uh?

How come I never noticed

you were colored before?

Because I was never colored before.

- Oh, it happened just like that, huh?

Just like that! - Well, when

you get back on the bus,

just sit down and cool it.

They don't love you, you know?

Nobody loves me! Big deal.

- Well, just don't make any trouble.

Listen, I'm not colored!

I know.

I'm Spanish, myself.

# Sometimes I feel

like a motherless child!

Hasta la vista.

Hey.

Health drink. Double.

And don't be a wise guy.

Hey. Don't I know

you from somewhere?

I'm Mr. Gerber.

Jeff Gerber.

Well, I ain't Gunga Din.

I never noticed. - Look, come

on, hurry up with my health drink.

I'm late as it is now.

- Slow your roll, man.

I told the owner the lights

in here wasn't no good.

Hey, Jeff. You certainly

set a good example.

A good job like you got.

What's draggin' you, brother?

I'm wondering what's

uh, in this health drink?

Oh, that?

Orange juice,

Papaya juice,

Lime juice,

And soy sauce.

- Soy sauce!

What the hell are you

puttin' in soy sauce for?

Well, we was all out

of Worcestershire sauce.

What?

- Cool it, Jeff.

That's why they don't

want us in these places now.

Us?

I'll sue the entire N.A.A.C.P.

Look at my skin! - I don't

have to look at your skin.

I can look at my own.

Here, now,

what's goin' on?

I'm gonna have this entire place

shut down as a homosexual hangout.

Who is that

gentleman? - Soy sauce?

Oh, now look, Mr. Soy sauce,

I don't want any trouble.

I've always gotten along well

with members of your race.

Ask Joe here.

I'm not negro.

I'm Spanish. Soy sauce!

Not one word.

Not one word.

Us?

Can I help you?

- No one can help me.

Whom is it you wish

to see about what?

I'd like to see Abe Lincoln

about this equality bullshit.

Mr. Gerber!

- Well, it ain't soy sauce.

What happened to you?

- I'm pledging for a fraternity.

Mr. Gerber!

- Never heard of him.

But, Mr. Gerber...

Get out of my way, Erica, unless you

want to feel the wrath of my switchblade.

I would like to feel the

wrath of your switchblade.

Morning, Gladys.

- Mr. Gerber, what happened?

Is there anything I can do?

- Hide your high school ring.

Mr. Townsend said for you to

see him as soon as you come in.

All right.

Yes?

- Mr. Townsend is waiting.

Yes.

Ok.

I'm colored, Mr. Townsend.

I'm a negro.

Gerber, what the hell

have you been doing?

Sitting under a sun lamp?

Oh, that's the nicest thing

you've ever said to me, sir.

Did you get that tan in just

the 2 days you were out?

Yes, yes, I did.

The secret is soy sauce.

Lots and lots of soy sauce.

Don't you think you overdid it a bit?

- Yes, yes, I do. I... I really do.

It... it was a

frightening experience.

Yeah, I should think so.

Now, look, there's no need

to come apart at the seams.

It'll fade and you'll be fine.

You still have got

to pick up your sales.

Until I spoke to you,

Mr. Townsend, I must confess,

I was pretty shook up.

All right, now go on back to

your desk, and don't let me down.

All right, sir.

God bless you, sir.

There still is a

God, you know, sir.

Miss Regan...

Yes, Mr. Townsend? - Would you

get my optometrist on the phone?

These tinted contact

lenses he gave me,

I think they're

a bit on the dark side.

Hello, palefaces.

Come on, girls.

Get back to work or you'll

be back on the streets

Working for real money.

What's the matter, fella?

Ain't you never

seen an Aztec before?

What the hell have you

done to yourself, Jeff?

How do you like

my golden glow, Andy?

Don't I look like a friggin' bronze

God? - That's not what they're sayin'.

I have it on

no less an authority

than DJ Townsend

that I have a glorious tan.

I... I got to tell you, Jeff.

If... if I didn't know you, I'd say...

Look, Andy, if you have inherent

racial prejudice, that's your hang-up.

I personally think

I have a beautiful color.

Gladys, bring in my

appointment book, please, dear.

Clark Dunwoodie, please.

Hello, Clark?

Jeff Gerber. Well, I hopped down

to the islands for a couple days.

Get that old tan

in shape, you know?

How's about today,

lunch? Well, you name it.

Ok, your club, 12:30.

See you then.

Where do you think you're going?

- I'm lunching with Clark Dunwoodie.

Not in here, you're not.

- Hey, come on, you're kidding?

You know me, Jeff Gerber.

Mr. Dunwoodie, he's expecting me.

Come on, fella, I got my orders.

Now, this club has got rules.

Fun is fun, but don't make me

angry. You better let me pass.

What's your name, sir?

Uh, Jeff Gerber. Uh, I'm having

lunch with, uh, Clark Dunwoodie.

Oh, yes, Mr. Gerber.

Mr. Dunwoodie wanted

me to give you his apologies.

He had to go back to the office.

Some kind of an emergency board meeting.

He's going to call you later

this afternoon and explain it.

Don't pull that

crap on me!

Well, I'm very sorry

for the inconvenience.

Now, move along, please. - Hey,

look, there must be some mistake.

Come on, move along. - Hey,

hey, hey, I ask you, is this America?

Is this America?

- Yeah, man.

# No, this ain't America

# you can't fool me!

Hey, look, why don't

you let him go in there?

I belong in there!

# If you don't fit

the right image

# they just pull

out their D.D.T.

# If they just don't

like the way you look

# they just law and

order and pricks!

# They're prickin' me!

Come in.

- Excuse me, Mr. Townsend?

Yes.

This man says

he works for you.

Good grief.

Gerber, is that you?

Uh, yes, officer,

he... he works for me.

Very well. I'll leave him in

your charge. He stole something.

We don't know what it is

yet.- Brutality, brutality.

You can leave him with me,

officer. - Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Gerber, w... w... what happened?

If I didn't know you myself...

- I'm black. I've become black.

You ask anyone

on the street,

they'll say, "that man, he's black."

Mmm-hmm, sure, he's black."

- Get hold of yourself.

Yowser. I'm gonna

get a hold of myself.

Yowser, boss.

You know, this could work

to both our advantages.

Boss have heap

big sense of humor.

Stop that foolish vaudeville

routine and listen to me a minute.

Look, I don't care

what color you are.

You're an intelligent,

educated man.

And damn it, Gerber, there

is a whole market out there,

that has never even been

approached by our company,

because we have never

had a negro salesman.

Why, you can make

yourself a fortune.

That negro insurance

market is virtually untapped.

Look, I tell you what,

you run back to your office...

I can't run anywhere. They'll arrest

me before I get halfway down the hall.

Go back to your office

and wait there for me,

I'll bring the statistics. They'll

shock you. - I'll just shuffle along.

Uh, give me 15'. - Oh, you

don't have to hurry yourself

over little old, poor

little me, Mr. Townsend.

Make a list of all those

articles that have been stolen.

And any of you

who have been raped,

Please report

to the dispensary.

Any of you who are

interested in tap dancing,

gospel singing,

boxing lessons,

Please come into

my office. Gladys?

Dr. Wainwright, please.

Jeff Gerber. Thank you.

Dr. Wainwright, I got

to see you right away.

Unclean! Unclean!

Beware the black scourge!

Double trouble,

boil in trouble!

Take your children,

gather them.

Take them

to the high ground!

Doctor, uh,

Mr. Gerber's here.

But, uh...

- show him in.

No swelling.

If it were overexposure,

there'd be swelling.

Your lips, as I recall,

were always rather full.

High cheekbones, wide face.

You tryin' to tell

me somethin'? - Uh-huh.

I don't see how

it could be the sun lamp.

Anything unusual

in your diet?

Crow.

I've laid a lot of crow, doc.

It could be some

kind of an allergy.

But it's more apt

to be something else.

Well, go ahead,

tell me. I won't blab.

Well, it's more apt to be

something in your family lineage.

You mean like insanity?

It's quite possible that

somewhere in your lineage,

There is a negro strain.

You're lookin' at a strained

negro right now, doc.

If that were the case, it

would be apparent from birth,

Not in your middle years.

And it would seem

logical that your parents

would have said something to you

about it. - They never called me a nigger.

No matter how angry they got,

they never called me a nigger.

Oh, they might have

revealed it in other ways,

Ways more Freudian.

Um, what's your

full name, Jeff?

Jefferson W. Gerber.

What's the "W" for?

- Washington.

Jefferson Washington Gerber?

Do you realize that when

the slaves were set free

and they were allowed to

pick any names they wanted,

many of them chose

the names of presidents?

Jefferson Washington Gerber!

Uh, what's your wife's name?

Althea Jemima Gerber.

You're kidding me? What

are your children's names?

Beulah and Rastus. You're

trying to prove that I'm a negro,

And I'm trying

to prove that I'm not!

I'm only trying

to compile some facts.

All right, facts. What

about my skin, huh, huh?

What about that?

That's a fact, isn't it?

Look, something happened

to cause this phenomenon.

Somewhere there's a medical

explanation to this, and we'll find it.

When do you want

to do that, doc?

Right now. - How long

do you think it'll take?

Maybe 3 hours. The rest is

up to the laboratory technicians.

Hello, Althea?

Guess who's coming to dinner?

The children are

in bed. Even Burton.

I thought it best.

- What's wrong?

Wrong? Wrong?

Nothing... nothing's wrong.

- How come you're on fire?

Don't answer it.

- I beg your pardon?

Don't answer it.

- May I ask why?

It's a wrong number.

Oh, then by all means,

let's not answer it.

But I feel I should

ask you this, Althea,

Uh, how do you know

it's a wrong number?

It has a different sound.

Wrong numbers sound neurotic,

Because the circuits

are confused. - I see.

And it just upsets

it if you answer it.

Uh-huh, strange, b- No, you're wrong.

You're nuts!

Hello?

Jeff Gerber?

- Yes?

Move out, nigger.

It was the wrong number.

They've been calling all day.

- What "they"? It was one voice.

Don't make it sound like the

entire west point glee club.

Well, who do you think it is?

It's Avon calling

and the bell's stuck.

Jeff, I have to tell

you, I'm frightened!

You don't have to tell me.

It's fairly noticeable.

How did it go today?

- Oh, it was the usual day.

I was thrown out

of one of the better clubs,

I was picked up twice for

purse-snatching. - What?

Nothing.

Did they notice anything,

anything different at the office?

There were a few remarks.

- What about Townsend?

Oh, he seemed

quite pleased.

It seems I'm one of his

hottest negro salesmen.

You hungry?

- Yeah, I guess so.

What?

Are you crazy?

Is that supposed to be funny?

I didn't realize until after...

Well, listen, Jemima,

you're in this, too.

Jemima? - Your

middle name, baby.

My middle name

is Janine. - Oh.

So don't you

"Jemima" me, Jeff Gerber.

If you've been keeping some racial

secret about yourself from me,

well, just don't you

"Jemima" me! - Oh, I get it!

You're getting

a little worried.

You're just not certain

about things anymore, are you?

Well, there are

children to consider.

What do you think,

right number or wrong?

I don't care anymore.

It's been ringing all day.

Every bigot in this

town is honing in on us.

Hello? - Jeff?

It's Dr. Wainwright.

Yes. What is it?

- It's not hay fever.

Oh, good. - Thought

I'd let you know.

Yes. Thank you. Let me know as

soon as you find out about ragweed.

I'll call immediately.

Dr. Wainwright.

You'll be happy to know I'm

not suffering from hay fever.

I'm a nervous wreck.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, I thought we'd stay up a

while and do a little humming.

I'm going to sleep. You can

turn off the phone if you like.

Can't. Might be

my ragweed calling in.

Suit yourself.

Don't be frightened.

It's just me, black Bart.

Have something

to eat? - Just chicken.

Watermelon doesn't taste

good to me unless it's freshly stolen.

Mind if I get in bed?

this is Tom Harkness

in the downtown business area,

Where police are just now

bringing under control a riot.

Althea?

Within minutes the area was

overrun with pickets, militants,

And housewives

for lower food prices

When an unidentified

drunken negro

Was denied admission

to the Hagstrom yacht club.

Though the actual identity of the

man is not known for certain...

If only they

wouldn't be so pushy.

Hello?

- Jeff Gerber?

Yes.

- Move out, nigger.

Was it Dr. Wainwright?

- I certainly hope not.

Althea, it's Wednesday night.

Why don't we have a little drink?

- Wednesday? No, it's Thursday.

Let's pretend

it's Wednesday.

I'm in need of

some human affection.

I understand,

but not tonight, Ok?

I hate to tell you this, but I'm

beginning to feel just a little bit unloved.

I mean, it may be old-fashioned,

but where I come from,

A guy's wife sticks real

close to him in time of stress.

Well, uh, not tonight.

Something I said?

We could change sides if you'd

like. - That's damn white of you.

Hello? - Jeff,

it's not ragweed,

asthma, or anything to do with

the kidneys. - Good, keep me posted.

I'm staying with it all night.

- Thanks, doctor, I appreciate it.

Hello?

- Jeff Gerber?

He's out bailing cotton.

Can I take a message?

Move out, nigger.

Jeff, don't anger them.

Just don't anger them.

Don't anger them? You

mean, they're not angry already?

What must I do

to get 'em angry?

Try and get into one

of their yacht clubs?

Good morning, Mr. Gerber.

- Morning, Erica.

When do I get to

see your switchblade?

Call me.

Morning, Gladys.

- Mr. Townsend's waiting to see you.

He's fit to be tied and...

Dr. Wainwright called twice and

wants you to call as soon as you come in.

Thank you, Gladys.

Jeff, it's no longer a joke.

It has nothing to

do with allergies,

blood counts

or electrocardiograms.

And it has nothing

to do with soy sauce.

We've run 18 different tests on

soy sauce, And the opinion is that

Soy sauce is more apt to

make you oriental than negro.

C'est le guerre.

that's logical.

I spent the entire

night in the trenches

wWith doctors Carson, Harcourt,

Whittemore, O?Neil, and Hamilton.

And they're firmly

of the opinion that...

Jeff, I'm not one

of those doctors

who believes in keeping

the truth from a patient.

Did you know that the first

man to die in an American war

was a black man,

Crispus Attikus?

What I'm getting at is,

Jeff, you're a negro.

When do you want

to see me again?

I don't think

it's necessary.

Closing the book

on me, huh?

Now, with your approval,

I'd like to turn your case over to

an outstanding young doctor

who's a member

of your own race.

Dr. John l. Catlin, you

may have heard of him.

What's the "l" for?

Lincoln?

You do understand,

don't you, Jeff?

Of course.

- Good.

Well, perhaps we'll bump

into each other again some day.

Maybe at the Newport regatta.

Mr. Townsend is waiting.

You disappeared on

me yesterday, Gerber.

I'm sorry. I thought it

was important. - It wasn't.

Look, I want

a negro representative.

But I will not tolerate

any lack of diligence.

I understand.

Good. Now, I want you to turn

over all your files to Brandon.

He'll service them. You

can still get the commissions.

This is the area I want you to work in.

The sooner you get started, the better.

Any questions,

come directly to me.

Oh, uh, by the way, Gerber,

I notified the N.A.A.C.P.

And core

that we have a negro on our

staff. They're both quite pleased.

Don't let 'em down.

These policies aren't quite

correct for a man in your bracket.

I'd recommend that

you set aside a bit more

For your future children's

education.

I'm very happy to say

that for the first time today,

I'm gonna recommend that somebody

buy an insurance policy from me.

I strongly suggest that you, uh,

invest some of your widow's pension

In income-earning stocks and bonds.

And I'd be glad to recommend a man.

He's white.

- Many people are.

Well, Gerber,iIt looks to me

as though you've been giving out

quite a bit of free advice these past

few days. - That's part of the job, isn't it?

Maybe, but on your

first day you made 9 calls

and sold one policy.

3 policies

you did nothing about,

and 5 policies you

re-arranged so that...

So that our company loses

363 $ in annual premiums.

But eventually, all those

people will become good customers

Only because I took the

time... - Oh, nonsense.

Gerber, those people don't

know the first thing about insurance.

You would be doing the

community a public service

To sell them all

the insurance you could,

so that they would never

become a drain on our society.

Every one of those homes

I visited in the last few days

Was occupied by

personable, responsible...

Horse crap!

Look...

PUT YOUR BEST

FOOT FORWARD

# Excuse me, buddy, but

# excuse me, lady, but

... AND...

# you foolin', ain't ya?

# where can I be?

# This ain't America, is it?

# Oh, Lord,

where can I be?

BE A CREDIT TO YOUR RACE

# This ain't America, is it?

# No, this ain't America

# you can't fool me.

You're wrong to go on

trying to fool yourself.

# This here's

the home of the sheriff.

YOU'RE A NEGRO

# not the land of the free

# In America, folks don't

run through the streets

# blood streaming

YESSIRee - FACS ARE FACTS

# from where they been beat

# and the parks

is for the people

Quite a background. Dean's

list 3 times, college graduate,

excellent service record. 17

years in the insurance profession.

Congratuations! YESSSIRee I think...

# and the cops

in the good old U.S.A.

# don't they need

some kind of gods either?

... I have just the thing!

# No, this ain't America

you can't fool me

You're not kidding, man.

Take Jamie over there,

he's got 13 years.

And a hell

of a good bowler, too.

Of course they always

make him bowl on the far Lane.

Kind of downwind,

so to speak.

I'm not kidding.

# love

# That's America, open

arms for every creature

# love

# open arms

# that's America

for every man

# love

# that's America

# Joy and peace

and Harmony

# love!

# that's America

# billions of lives

# love!

# love

# that's America

Yes, love, that's America

# love!

# that's America

Lonely but fallin'

# love!

# that's America

# the old eagle

wearin' a grin

# love!

# that's America

# the bald eagle

Jeff, you know our neighbors.

Well, the vigilantes.

I've got the coffee on.

Well, then, what can I

do for you gentlemen?

Jeff, we may as well

get right to the point.

Everybody else does.

We feel your presence

in the neighborhood

can undermine the value of

our homes, and we're concerned.

Yes, I've gotten a

couple of your phone calls.

Oh, that wasn't us, Jeff.

- Shut up, Fred.

As nicely as

we can put it, Jeff,

we'd like you to move out,

before it becomes common knowledge

that there's a negro

family in the area.

Is that as nicely as you

can put it?- We're concerned.

Oh, perfectly understandable.

Especially since I've taken the

spot announcements on radio.

And wait until

you see the skywriting.

We're prepared to

offer a very fair deal.

Walter has the figures. Walter?

Your house is worth about

40.000 $ on the open market.

37.000 $.

- Well, give or take...

12 $ as soon as the word

gets out that I'm a nigger.

We represent a

group of people, Jeff.

And we have the

backing of 3 local banks.

So we're prepared

to offer you 50.000 $.

Oh, I do declare that sure

am a great pile of money.

We'll sell your house to a good family

and absorb the loss among ourselves.

Oh, my goodness!

50.000 samoleans!

Heavens to uncle Remus.

But I can't accept it.

We're prepared to

pay it right now. Tonight.

Oh, I know you're

prepared to pay it.

But I'm not

prepared to accept it.

I mean, uh,

me and my family,

we've looked forward

to living here all our lives.

We like it here.

All those friendly phone calls,

And at any time a nice rock can

come crashing through the window

to remind us that people

are still thinking of us.

60.000 $. That'sas high as we can go.

Oh, come on,

try harder! 75.000 $.

All right, 75.000 $. But

that's as... - You see that?

You went higher. Now

try 80.000 $. - 75.000 $.

Oh, come on,

I'll make more than that from my

watermelon patch in just one year.

Not to mention the admissions

from the revival meeting.

80.000 $.

Now try 90.000 $.

Unless of course you don't

mind the smell of fried chicken

and ham bones just wafting

through your lovely neighborhood.

90.000 $. - Oh, that

sure am a lot of money.

But I like something with a...

a more, uh, naughts to it.

You know, somethin' a bit rounder,

somethin' with more naughts, you know, zeroes.

100.000 $. And that's as high

as we're authorized to go.

You turn it down,

we're not responsible.

Well, I'll take it.

I'll take it.

Where do I sign?

You'll find

everything in order.

As you know, Walter's

an officer with the bank.

It's all pretty standard,

if you care to read it over.

I think this is the best thing

for everybody all around.

Oh, I think so, too.

I was going to sell this house.

I think the neighborhood's

a bit too Jewish.

Well, good night,

Jeff. Good luck.

It's nothing personal.

- Oh, it never is.

If it was personal,

well, I'd feel real bad.

Good night, Jeff.

You have 2 weeks.

Look, if you have any trouble,

and need to store your stuff,

Please call my secretary.

She'll give you

the necessary assistance.

Good night, Jeff. You've

gotten a very good deal.

Perhaps... perhaps it'll make us

seem less villainous in your eyes.

Good night, Jeff.

Villainous? Don't be silly.

I know who my friends are.

And the next nice

neighborhood I move into,

You guys'll get

first crack at me.

100.000 $!

All I got to do

is turn white.

Boy, would their faces be red.

You took advantage of

them because you're colored.

How's that? - Those

people were our friends.

What should have I done,

given them a discount?

Pushing your way, just pushing,

pushing, pushing. Is that the answer?

They wanted us out

of the neighborhood.

Where do you get

that "us"? You, not us!

Would you repeat that again?

I don't think I heard that right.

It's very confusing.

Forgive me. There's been a

great deal of pressure on me lately.

I mean, just

answering the phone...

Well, I haven't been exactly winning

any popularity contests myself!

Well, it's different with you. You

weren't liked before this happened.

I was liked!

Everybody liked me.

Everybody.

I hate to tell you this, but

you're supposed to be on my side!

The marriage contract

said, "Till death do us part."

It said that in

black and white, I believe.

When we got

married, I had no idea

It was going to be an

interracial thing, you never told me.

Well, I just got wind of it myself.

If I had known what was gonna happen,

I would have put an escape

clause in your marriage contract!

"If my husband becomes

a negro, all bets are off."

How dare you be

sarcastic with me?

I'm the one who was compromised

- Oh, I'm not angry. How could I be angry?

I have a 100.000 $ suntan!

And why do you

insist on being negro?

I don't insist.

I accept it.

What would you have me do,

dye my hair and insist I'm white?

You know what I'd look

like with blonde hair, Althea?

Like a grilled

cheese sandwich.

Negro humor

always escaped me.

Well,

We're learning a lot

about each other, aren't we?

Yes, we are.

What happened to the

flaming liberal I married?

I'm still liberal.

But to a point.

I'm sorry, baby.

I didn't realize you were

under as much pressure as me.

Let's forget it tonight.

Because tonight,

it's Wednesday.

It's Wednesday.

And I love you.

No, it's Tuesday.

- It's Wednesday.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I have to get my bearings.

It won't be Wednesday

Until... until

I get my bearings.

I...I... I'm going

to go to sleep.

Ok.

Jeff, I sent the kids

to my sister's.

Your sister lives

in Indianapolis.

They'll be there by morning.

Margaret said she'd meet the train.

I'm sorry, but I wanted

them away from all this,

if and when the

newspapers find out.

#Where are the children?

#Where are the children?

You were not disappointment.

You were wonderful.

Thank you very much.

In Norway

we have very few negroes.

Oh, well, uh,

I'll tell my buddies, uh...

Then you'll have a lot

of them in no time at all.

Negroes have

beautiful bodies.

Yeah, well, uh,

I've been workin' out.

And when all

those black muscles

All work together

to make love,

It is so very marvelous.

Yeah, well,

they all work together.

You know, we... we're

noted for that, you know.

The thigh bone connected

to the hip bone, you know.

They're all hooked up just right.

And the way

a negro makes love...

I can never make love

to a white man again.

Well, I...

I guess there'll be a few

girls to take up the slack.

We must make love

every night

And during lunch hours,

Every spare moment. - Yeah, well, I

think we should take time off to vote.

Where are you going?

Is there voting now?

No, I'm, uh, I'm leaving.

All right.

Will I see you tomorrow?

- Oh, yeah, probably at the office.

Probably I'll give you a pinch in the

ass. You know, give you a little thrill.

I have disappointed

you?

- Ah, no.

Not quite the way you think.

Yes, you have disappointed me.

There's something

I didn't do?

Ah, no, uh, offhand,

There's nothing I can

think of that,

uh, we forgot.

Then why are you leaving?

Well, I can't expect

you to understand, Erica.

Explain. I will try.

I will try anything to please you.

Ok.

Try and understand that, uh,

beauty is only skin deep.

I want you to love me

because of what I am,

Not because I'm a negro.

You're a very nice man,

Very courteous.

You say please

and thank you.

So I like you.

Then why are you

leaving? Did I hurt you?

Oh, my God,

if I hurt you...

Such a great bang.

But you're a bigot, Erica.

A big, blonde bigot.

So thank you,

But no thank you.

- You black bastard.

You're really getting to it.

My goodness, in no time at all,

you'll qualify for

American citizenship.

Get out of here,

you... you nigger!

Ah, by Jove, she's got it.

I really think she's got it.

Hey, don't worry about running

out of new words to call me, Erica.

'cause in a few years,

you'll know 'em all.

Get out, nigger!

- I'm going. Bye, Erica.

Rape!

- Bye, Erica.

Rape!

Rape!

Jeff?

# Where are the children?

Jeff, I'm sorry.

I'm ashamed of

myself and I'm sorry.

But I can't help it.

I'm going to Indianapolis.

Please try to

understand. Althea.

Good morning, Mr. Gerber.

My goodness, you've been

getting phone calls this morning

Requesting appointments.

They started coming in at 08:30.

And, oh, let's see,

uh, Dr. Catlin called

and, uh, well, Mr. Townsend would

like to see you. - Thank you, Gladys.

That's a nice tie,

Mr. Gerber. - Thank you.

Mr. Townsend. - Yes, Gerber, I

sent for you. Sit down and shut up.

Screw you. I'm opening

up my own office. - What?

I said, "screw you,

I'm opening up my own office."

Serves you right.

You'll be broke in a week.

I don't think so.

Some neighbors chipped in

and I won't have to worry for

quite a while. Townsend. - Yes?

About your breath...

# They gotta make

some kind of deal

# everything you got,

gives me a thrill

# don't they know

all gonna doubt

# gotta get through to you

# gotta get to you

# gotta get through,

just gotta get through

# don't throw my love

in a frying pan

# don't throw my love

# you got the keys,

and you got the latch

# you got the keys

# I'm soul'd on you

# soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on you

# oh, they called me

Mr. Cool before

# but you got me

poundin' on your front door

# Yes, I used to be Mr. Cool

# but, girl, I'm ready

to be your fool

# yeah, 'cause your lovin'

it makes me more

# your lovin' makes me more

# you can't take it

to my soul

# to my soul,

yeah, to my soul

# don't throw my love

in the trash out back

# you got the keys,

and you got the latch

# I'm soul'd out on you

soul'd, sister

# I'm soul'd on you

# my crazy love

I'm soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on you

# Lord, you got me

down on bended knees

# let me hip you

to the birds and bees

# come on, girl,

let's make it down there

# Lord knows that you,

what you wear

# you know

I can't live without you

# I can't live without you

# when you do that thing

I just gotta do

# gotta do, just gotta do

# oh, don't throw my love

# in the trash out back

# oh, you got the keys,

and you got the latch

# you got the keys

I'm soul'd on you, oh, sister

# soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on

you, my baby

# soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on you

# soul'd on you

soul'd

# soul'd on you

soul'd

# soul'd on you,

soul sister, soul'd

# soul'd on you,

black beauty

# soul'd on you,

brown sugar

# soul'd on you

Hello.

#Jeff?

Yes.

- It's Althea.

Althea?

Althea, my wife?

I've been calling everywhere.

The phone's been turned off.

When I moved

out of our house,

I had the phone

disconnected. Where are you?

I finally got you through

information. I'm in Indianapolis.

What's wrong? The kids all

right? - The kids are fine.

Thanks for sending so much

money. It was very generous.

Well, they're still

my kids, aren't they?

Yes, and I'm never gonna let

them forget their father.

Well, thank you.

It's so nice to be so well

remembered before I die.

Jeff, hearing your voice,

I mean, on the phone,

It's... it's like

it never happened.

Not on this end, baby.

Anyway, I just wanted you

to know I was thinking of you

and... and I hope you're taking

care of yourself. - Well, I'm fine.

Still getting your exercise?

Yes, Althea, you don't

have to worry about me.

I'm working out in the evenings

now. - Promise me that you are.

Oh, I are. I are.

- You are?

I are.

Ha!

ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Hee!

- Ha!

Hee!

- Ha!

Hee!

- Ha!

Hee!

- Ha!

Hee!

- Ha!

# No, this ain't America

# you can't fool me

# you can't fool me,

you can't fool me

# Excuse me, but seriously

you can't fool me

# which way is

the good old U.S.A.?

# you can't fool me

# this ain't nothing like

the place I wanna be

# not a Chance,

I didn't cheat

# you can't fool me

# I don't care what you

say # you can't fool me

# hey, why you pointin' that

this way?

# this sure ain't

America, is it?

# no, this ain't America!

# you can't fool me

# you can't fool me

# you can't fool me

# you can't fool me

# no, this ain't America!

# you can't fool me

Corrected by suadnovic