Watermelon Man (1970) - full transcript

79, 80, 80, jump, 82,

83, 84, 85, 86...

Come on, harder.

Come on, yell.

# Jimmy crack corn,
and I don't care

# Jimmy crack corn, and I don't
care, my master's gone away

Take that, my good man.

Oh, you are fast,
Muhammad Ali.

You are fast, all right.

Ooh! Rabbit punch.

Jesus, ref, are you blind?



You're a credit to your race.

...damage estimated
in the millions.

It's the 3rd such outbreak
in this area this month

And reflects the unrest
that has plagued the area.

Since early last year
when similar conflagrations

arose all across the country...
Morning, troops.

Hello, sweetheart.
Hey, Burton.

Should another such incident
occur, he would be compelled to ask

for special federal riot troops,
an action that no one wants.

Least of all, the White House
which has been hopeful

That such disturbances were over,
at least for the time being.

That's got to be the smallest screen
in the world. #They look like ants.

They're getting
very dangerous.

A screen that size ought to
only have 15-minute shows.



Get it?
Small screen, small shows.

You said that yesterday.

You didn't get it
yesterday either.

It wasn't funny yesterday any
more than it'll be funny tomorrow.

Critics everywhere.

Aren't you concerned
with the civil rights issue?

Yeah, sure. Most
people are just crazy.

They think at any moment a
negro's gonna hit 'em over the head

with a watermelon and
steal their high school ring.

I think white people

have to show greater interest and
understanding. How else... - Look, Althea.

Your bus will be coming by soon.

I'd like to give 'em a head
start. Makes a contest out of it.

It is now post time.

Thank you, my dear.

Off to another smash
week in the insurance gig.

I want you to know that I
feel I'm leading a boring life.

I am so advised. - You
were so advised yesterday.

It wasn't funny yesterday
either. - Don't kiss me.

I wasn't gonna kiss you, it's just
that my shorts are too tight, that's all.

Mommy, can we watch daddy run
out the door? - No, you may not.

Oh, boy. - There
goes your stupid bus.

Doesn't stand a chance.

There he is,
the son of a bitch!

Step on it, you
got him by 50 yards!

Sorry, folks, I got to
make a stop at this corner.

have your exact
change ready, folks.

Come on.

Hurry up! Hurry up!

go! Go! Go! Go!

hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

oh, shit.

Winner, and still undefeated, folks.

Pay some respectful homage,
please. Some applause, please?

Shows you have good
taste, lady. - Fare, please.

Arrogant, arrogant.
They're all arrogant.

In the good old days,
back in the old south,

you'd have to
drive from back here!

Get it? Back of the bus? - Why
don't you take all the money you save

racing this bus
and race a cab?

That is very funny.

Hey, driver,
you hear that?

I'm only good
for short distances.

100 yards, maybe.

But over a long haul,

They just don't
have it in 'em.

# Camptown race
track 5 Miles long

# doo-dah, doo-dah

# Camptown race track
5 Miles long

see you tomorrow, fans.
Same time, same station.

Yeah, you're not such a big shot when
it rains, are you? When it rains, you ride.

No, no, when
it rains, it pours.

Come on, Joe. Hey, Joe,
come on. Come on, come on.

Mornin', Mr. Gerber.
- Ah, mornin', Joe. How goes it?

Oh, Ok. - Any rioting in
the neighborhood last night?

Uh, I don't see
any broken windows.

What's the matter? This
place ain't good enough to loot?

Oh, Mr. Gerber.

The usual, Mr. Gerber? - Oh,
yes. Uh, but make mine a double.

I'm feeling a bit
under par this morning.

Oh. One double
Polynesian health juice.

Comin' up.

Hey, uh, no offense about that,
uh, that looting remark, you know?

Oh, no, Mr. Gerber. - I know
you don't go for that sort of thing.

No, Ok. - And of
course, if you did,

it would be very hard for
the police to identify you.

I mean, an hour later...

all you cats look alike.

All us guys look...
oh, Mr. Gerber.

Here's to your health.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Gerber.

Hello, no, goodbye.
- Hey, Joe,

There's an extra nickel in there
for you. - Thank you, Mr. Gerber.

Tip. - Thank you,
Mr. Gerber. Forget it.

Ok, buddy, this is a hijack.

Take this elevator to Harlem.

Hey, how'd you do
on the poker game, Andy?

Uh, uh, ok, fine.

Hey, uh, when
are you and Dotty

comin' over to the house
to try out my new barbecue?

Oh, uh, soon... soon.
R... r... real soon.

5 Saturdays in a row
I asked you.

I'm beginnin' to think
y'all don't like us.

Don't be silly, it's...
it's... it's just that, uh...

Ok. Then we'll expect
you next Saturday at 17:00,

And no more excuses
about the children being sick.

Well, actually, uh, Dotty
hasn't been feeling well.

Get her cured by the weekend.

Sluts, sluts. All of you,
sluts. Next thing you know,

You'll be smoking
cigarettes. Hello, there, Erica,

you gorgeous hunk
of Sweden. - Norway.

Norway, Sweden, what
difference does it make?

As long as you're
a blonde. Are you?

Just curious.
I mean, how many girls

are really blonde all
the way? Collars and cuffs?

Excuse me, Mr. Gerber,
But I must get back to my desk.

1 $ if you walk
fast and stop short.

2 $ if you trot.
5 $ if you run.

And 10 $ if you're
really a blonde.

Gerber! In here.

Yes, sir, Mr. Townsend.

And 50 $ if you're
a fella. Ah!

The top of the morning to you,
Mr. Townsend. How are you?

Gerber, sit down and stop being
so damn happy. It's depressing.

Yes, sir. - Gerber, I am
not going to mince words.

You have turned in a very disappointing
month. - Well, I must say I agree with you.

But considering
the time of year...

Look, I'm just pointing out it's a
subproductive month. I'm not asking why.

It's income tax time. Though
people die, They seldom buy.

Gerber, look, I may as well
come right out and say this.

It's time somebody told you...
- I've got bad breath. Bad breath.

You got something
much worse than that.

Offensive perspiration,
midriff bulge, uh,

dingy dentures, Asiatic crud.

There, that's exactly
that kind of a remark.

You, Gerber, are a smart ass.

A number one,
king-size smart ass!

I'm the best salesman in
this office. - You were.

But your rate of new policies is
dropping. - Here, I've been going about

particularly trying to sell
policies only to younger men

who can live longer,
and pay premiums longer,

and you don't appreciate it.

Anybody can sell a policy to a 90-year-old
man with a cough and the shingles.

Listen to me, Gerber, your
customers curl up their toes

at the same rate as all
of our other customers.

Yeah, well, of course, if 23 of my
customers go down in a sailing boat accident,

that's bound to raise the
mortality rate! - What sailing boat?

Uh, in the squall. What squall?
- Oh, no, no, it was the train, the train.

33 of them went right off
the trestle. - What train?

Uh, would you believe a...
a tidal wave in Kansas City?

A...a... a volcano in Poughkeepsie?
Uh, mass suicides in Fire island.

Gerber! - Ok, Mr...
Mr. Townsend,

about your breath...

Hey, look, make it easier
on yourself. Home, office?

Your house.
Ok, then. Tuesday.

17:30, very good.

Good show.
See you then, John.

6 out of 6.
The kid does tricks.

Clark Dunwoodie, please.

Oh, hi. Hey, Clark.

Jeff Gerber,
Superior standard life.

Hey, how about that lunch
I've been promising you, huh?

Good show.

Anytime you say.

Local black leaders
doing their utmost

to keep their pledge...

What are you trying to
prove with all that running?

Don't bug me, Althea,
I had a traumatic day.

13 appointments
out of 15 calls.

Is that all you watch?

Race riots?
What are you, perverse?

It's an important problem.

...was announced that
should a request be made

for federal intervention,

army units would be
immediately made available...

I was watching. - I'm
gonna have my dinner

without watching
a bunch of uppity darkies

jigging up and down on my TV
screen. - Why are you so hateful?

I'm not hateful, and don't start
telling me I have a personality problem.

I said no such thing. I merely
tried to point out that there's an issue

in this country today. That has
to do with the equal rights of man.

What kind of dinner is this?
What kind of dinner is this, huh?

Eskimos chew on blubber.

There's your old persecution
complex. Whenever you're hurt, attack.

Well, that's what
this is all about.

I don't want you
staying up too late, Burton.

You should've done
that this afternoon.

Go to sleep, dear.
Maybe tomorrow morning

I'll let you watch your
father run out of the house.

Why can't he walk
like everybody else?

Perhaps he's afraid
somebody will catch him.

Kids at school
laugh at him.

They call me,
"Son of speedy."

Why does daddy
race buses, mommy?

Nobody seems to know, dear.

Is it like some people
save stamps? - Yes, exactly.

Some people save stamps,
some make model airplanes,

some drink, some smoke pot.

Well, your father
races busses.

If he smoked pot,
he'd get there faster.

Good night, children.

Uh, our house is worth
37.000 $ on the open market.

Mmm, that's nice. - That's
17 % more than we paid for it.

Mmm, you need
a haircut. - Oh.

Are we gonna get ready for bed
early tonight? It's Wednesday.

Wednesday? - Mmm-hmm
- It's Monday.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

Forget it.

I'm going to bed.

You'll know where
to find me. - Yes.

How come you are
not watching the riots?

Haven't started yet.

What's the movie?
- I don't know.

What's the commercial?
- I don't know.

Keep yourself pretty
well-informed, don't you?

I think we have to face up to
something. - Oh, look. Don't start.

You can't stand the
sight of me. - I can so.

You can't stand to
touch me. - Wrong again.

There's no
passion in our life.

There's plenty of passion
in our life.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

What?

Look, sweetie, I've had a hard
day. - I know you're tired, but...

At least let me wake up
on your side of the bed

like we used to,
Thursday mornings.

As soon as Janice was born,
We stopped going to bed.

Now, that's an exaggeration.

We can't afford
more than 2 children.

Unless we have 6 at one time.

That way, everything's free.

And we can give them all
away, except the spotted one.

We can make love without
having children, you know.

There are methods, there are
devices. - They're not foolproof.

They are if you use
them all at the same time.

I'm not making love
to any heavy tank.

I've still got some
good years left, Jeff.

Jesus.

I take something,

And I wear something,

And I keep count,
and if you...

Jeff.

Jeff.

We were so right
to come here, dearest.

To get away.

Yes, Ralph, I know.
It's lovely.

Being with you, Sylvia.

Being with you, Ralph.

it marks the first time

Federalized troops
have been used in this city.

Black leaders have warned
that should such a situation...

How now,

Brown cow.

It's a nightmare.

That's what it is,
old buddy. A nightmare.

Must be something you ate.

That's right,
something you ate.

Put up your hands.

Give me your
high school ring.

A nightmare

Or too much sun lamp.

Boy, what a great sun lamp.

Althea.

I'm having a nightmare
about my sun lamp.

So don't wake up

And try and talk me
out of it.

It's just a little nightmare

about a great sun lamp.

I'm going back to bed now.

I know that when I wake
up again in the morning,

My skin will be
lovely and white.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

Because as long as you're
asleep, It's a nightmare.

But if you wake up
and begin screaming,

It won't be a
nightmare anymore.

And I don't want
that to happen.

So just stay asleep, Althea.

As long as you're
asleep, it's a nightmare.

And all night long,
it'll be a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's not a nightmare.

Sure is an even tan.

What a great sun lamp.

What a great nightmare
about a great sun lamp.

That's an old wife's tale.

Daddy?

Mommy says I can watch you
run out of the house today.

Dad, you in
the shower? - Yes.

I'm having a nightmare.

Can we watch you
run out of the house?

Uh, no, sweetheart, I... I...
I won't be going to work today.

I'm not feeling well.

But mommy said.

Dad, the whole house
is getting steamed up.

So is your old man.
Listen, Burton?

Yeah? - Uh, tell your mother
to get you both off to school,

and then come in here.

You mean, you won't
be racing the bus today?

Don't ever bring up
the race issue again.

Oh, Lord, I've never
been a religious man.

I won't try to
kid you about that.

I don't go to church, and I only
pray when I'm feeling scared or rotten.

I meant to pray last night.

Perhaps you're angry
because I didn't.

Anyway, Lord,
I'm in trouble now.

Which is why I'm
trying to make contact.

Please, Lord, make it
all be a terrific nightmare.

And will you see a nice
person come out of this shower?

I want you to know
that I am a true believer.

There are no
atheists in this shower.

I'm praying now, Lord.
Do you hear me?

If you hear me,
don't say or do anything.

Good. Ok, Lord.

I'm coming out now.

And I wouldn't care
if I gained 20 pounds

as long as I'm white.

Here I come, Lord.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff there's
a negro in your shower!

It is not a negro.
- Yes, yes, yes, it is, it is.

I saw him. Call
the police, he'll kill us.

I am not a negro.
I'm me.

If this is another one of your
jokes... - Now look, Althea,

I'm coming out
of this shower again

and I want no
screaming, you hear?

Now, there's a logical answer
to this,but we'll never find out

if I dry up into a
prune in this shower.

Now I'm coming out
again, you hear? Ok?

Yes. Ok.

now, hand me a towel.

All right. Here I
come, ready or not.

Open your eyes, Althea,
I need a friendly opinion.

Did you have to give me
a white towel? You simp.

Boy, you sure have a
warped sense of humor, baby.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my good God.

Oh, shut up, there is no
God. He don't give a damn.

You... you look like a negro.
- I know what I look like. Shut up.

I mean a dark one. - I mean,
I mean, if I didn't know you...

Will you shut up, Althea?

Oh, oh, should I
hide the money?

Oh, you are hilarious.

H... how do you
know you're you?

That's the dumbest thing you've
ever said. Of course I know it's me.

I can tell from my bridge
work. Look. See? Huh? Huh?

Your teeth are very white.
- That's the contrast.

And your hair. - My hair's
always been naturally curly.

W... w... what about
your birthmarks?

I can't find them anymore.

Maybe I've been
overdoing the sun lamp a bit.

A bit! If you spent
as much time in bed

As you do under that sun lamp,
Maybe we would have more children.

This is no time to
discuss additional children.

No, I'd say not. What
would the neighbors think

If we'd have colored kids
running around! - I am not colored!

Well, that's your story. When's
the last time you looked in the mirror?

I... it's the sun lamp, isn't it? Because
you wouldn't be teasing me like that

iIf it wasn't the sun lamp,
'cause you're not a cruel person.

Don't you touch me.
- Oh, boy. You're a treat.

You're something to have
around in an emergency.

You know, you know, it's very
strange. My mother always thought

you were a little
on the dark side.

I mean, she never came
right out and asked me.

Your mother is in no position
to judge other people's races.

The way her eyes slant up, my
mother always thought she was Chinese.

Silliest thing I ever
heard. - Oh, yeah?

Well, then how come
her feet are so small?

And... and how come whenever
you asked her when she was born,

she always says "the year of the dragon"?
And how come she was always so anxious

to... to wash my shirts?

Does that sound like a
white woman to you, huh?

My mother has
almond-shaped eyes.

So has Mao Tse-Tung.
She eats too damn much rice.

If you ask me, she's a
member of the Red guard.

All right, Jeff, all right.

But it isn't a Chinese
issue we're discussing.

We'r- It's a sun lamp issue.

Well, that may
very well be, but you...

you certainly can't go
to the office like that.

Oh, my God,
what time is it?

Gladys is in the office now.

That's the first thing.
I got to report in sick.

You can't tell her that
you woke up sunburned.

Sometime, Althea, sometime.

Look, I won't be
coming in today.

Well, I'm, uh,
feeling a bit off color.

Anyway, uh, Gladys,

uh, look, just cancel all my
appointments for the day, Ok?

Tell 'em I'll call 'em
tomorrow, Ok? Ok. Thank you.

The trick is to be
logical and rational.

I got a warrantee around
here for that sun lamp.

Let's see, logical
and rational, yeah.

You really think it's
the sun lamp, don't you?

Oh, you'd like me to be
colored, wouldn't you?

Well, not really.
But it would serve you right

with that attitude
of white supremacy.

Well, I didn't see you exactly
runnin' over to hug and kiss me

when you thought
I was a negro.

I was upset because I
thought you were a stranger.

Oh, beans. If it was
a white stranger

coming out of that shower,
you'd have humped him.

Ah, here it is. They're
a reputable company.

I'm sure this has happened
before. - Yeah, all over Africa.

Oh, just keep it up,
baby. Just keep it up.

Hello, I'd like to speak...

To... to speak to
somebody with regard

to your sun lamp
model L. T.34x.

Oh, it's working, all right.

A...a little bit too well.
Uh, uh, thank you.

They're switching
me to the manager.

Hello, my name is Gerber.

Uh, I've got one of your
model L. T.34x sun lamps.

Uh, serial number 36677231.

Uh, yeah. Well, the problem is...
that's an old wife's tale. Excuse me.

Uh, the problem is, uh,
it's made me rather dark.

Whew.

Well, a little darker
than was necessary.

Uh, yes, once in the morning,
and, uh, once at night.

Uh, yes, I...
I... I use a lotion.

Uh, well, it's kind
of my own concoction.

Uh, baby oil, cocoa
butter, iodine, and soy sauce.

About one third soy sauce. Well,
of course you never heard of it.

It's my own formula.

L... look, you don't
seem to understand.

It's left me very tan.

Yes, very.

Dark.

Very dark.

Yes, very.

You stupid!

No, it's not a joke.

I am not sir Percival
pulling your leg.

42, Tangerine Lane, and
I'm a dissatisfied customer.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Can you beat that?

They want to send
me a new sun lamp.

That's very
sporting of them.

What the hell am I going
to do with a new sun lamp?

Well, maybe
you could mate them.

You're just having a dandy
time, boy. - Oh, relax, Jeff.

Althea,

you wouldn't hug me unless you
really thought I was white, right?

Oh, poor baby,
don't worry.

You'll be white again.

Hey, wait a minute.
- What is it?

There are things we can do.

I mean, what do they do
when they want to look white?

Th... they must use salves and
creams. - Hair straighteners.

I don't want my hair straightened,
I want my skin straightened.

What the hell else are we talkin'
about? - Where are you going?

To one of their
drugstores. Call me a cab.

Your cab's here.

What are you doing?
- The door's not open on the cab.

Go on out there and
open the door on the cab.

Take me to
the colored section.

Nice neighborhood. What do
you do there? Mow the lawn?

What do they pay you? - I get
to sleep with the lady of the house.

Would you put
your hands down?

All I want is a pair of sunglasses.
Now, look, I got a skin problem.

What's this, and this?
Get me a paper bag.

No, better yet, get me
a box, a box, a big box.

There you go. All right, let's
see now. Uh-huh, white, yeah.

Ok, give me some of
these. Yeah. Pearl sheen.

Uh-huh, all right.
Now, let's see now.

Ah, try some of this
white folk stuff here.

Now, let's see
here, that's good.

"Beautiful bleach", that's
probably great. "Miracle wash."

Hair straightener.
That'll help.

More processing stuff, there.

All right.

Remember, if anybody asks
you if you ever saw me in here,

You never laid
eyes on me. Ok?

Mum's the word.

Any change?
- No.

But I don't imagine
it would be immediate.

I mean, I don't think
any intelligent negro

expects it to be immediate.
Don't be so militant.

It's different. I'm
not militant, I'm white.

I expect it to be immediate.
- We've rubbed in 4 different brands.

Don't you think
we ought to stop?

Come on, put on some more
hair straightener. Come on. Here.

Jeffrey, I don't want
you to get all excited,

but I do think
you're a little whiter.

It's hard to tell
through the cream.

Y-yeah, I think you're right.
Ar... ar... around the neck here, right?

Especially around the neck.
- Uh-huh, and around the chin?

Yes, the chin, too. - And...
and around the nose, mmm?

Yes. - You're
lying to me, Althea!

Don't lie to me, Althea.
Just don't lie to me.

Oh, this is crazy. I don't
want to be this color.

What are you doing
up there? - Calm down.

Oh, I'll yell all I want.
He can't hear me.

He's the white man's God.
- Jeff, you're not a negro.

Oh, my goodness, I'm getting darker.
Come on. Get all this crap off me.

Come on, quick.
Oh, my God, I need more.

Oh, come on,
I'm getting darker.

Jeff, calm down. - I can't
take a... I can't take a shower.

'cause if I take a shower,
my body will shrink and...

Will you calm down, the children will
be coming home from school soon.

And I don't want you
getting them upset.

Upset? Wait until they find
out they have a colored daddy.

Huh? Wait till I get down
my knee and I sing mammy.

You got yourself
into it, Jeff.

Oh, my goodness,
th... these creams don't work.

No wonder negroes riot.

I mean, these
are worthless hoaxes.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm your father.
- Sure, hi, dad.

Hi, dad.
- Um,

don't you have anything
you want to say to me?

Your face is dirty. - That's a
nice thing to say to your father.

Sure is a heck of a tan you got,
dad. You look like a colored man.

That's very good. Thank you,
Burton. We could use you at the UN.

Come on, kids. I'll get your
dinner ready. - What are we having?

Black-eyed peas, hominy
grits, corn bread, ham hocks.

What's with him?

Didn't get to race his bus
this morning. He's a little upset.

Why are you doing that,
daddy? - Doing what, sweetheart?

Racing busses.
- Come on, Janice,

you don't want your
ham hocks to get cold.

In here, or in
the dining room?

What is it?
- I got to see.

Maybe it's
the lighting in here.

Maybe in the daylight,
I'll look less colored.

What are you going to do?

I'm going for a
walk. - Where to?

In the backyard.

How brave of you.

Well, you're certainly
getting whiter whites

These days.
Aren't you, Mrs. Johnson?

Oh, yes, I'm using
a new detergent.

Well, I wish you'd
tell my wife the brand

because we have a few
things around our house

that really need whitening.

Jeff, are you
all right? - Yeah.

You're hardly breathing.

I don't want to ruin it.

You look like
a birthday cake.

It's getting very late. Can't
you at least lie down in bed?

I'm afraid I'll roll over
and destroy the mold.

All right.
- Althea?

Yes?
- My last words:

pray for me.

Jeff? Jeff, are you asleep?

My God, you've set.

Jeff, Jeff, are you breathing?

How to do this?

Try not to hurt you.

I'm sorry about that.

Jeff, can you speak? How
do you feel? Can you speak?

Like a broken leg.

Oh, thank God
you're all right.

My beard is strangling me.

I'll have you out in a jiffy.

Be careful
with that chisel.

Careful with that chisel,
I've got enough dimples.

I think I'm getting
the hang of it now.

What color am I?
- Uh, well, uh,

uh, I'll have to open the blinds.
- W... w... wait, do it gradually.

Remove a little around
the ears. - All righty.

W... w... w... what color am I?

Uh, did you drink
any more milk?

Yeah, I had another quart, and
then my hand was paralyzed.

Oh, poor thing. You know,
if we'd only known,

I could've rigged you
up a tube or something.

What color am I, Althea?
- Well, uh, let's see.

Tell me the truth, but
tell me I'm white, Althea.

You're white.
- Oh, God.

Dark white.
- What?

Well, I'm sure you're white, But
you're a little on the dark side.

Wait. Get me to a mirror.

I'm black! I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm a nigger!

Jeff,
you'll have a stroke.

I don't want a stroke.
I want appendicitis.

I want to throw myself
off a bridge, out of a window.

Althea, I want my whiteness back.

Oh!

Where's that schmucky white
knight on that schmucky white horse?

Stick me. Stick me.
Turn me white. Rinso-white.

Rinso-white.
- Jeff, the neighbors.

The neighbors, the neighbors,
the neighborhood.

There goes the neighborhood.
There it goes. - Jeff, stop that.

I'm black!

Oh, milk.

Oh, cleanse me,
oh, great milk.

Ah. Oh, clean me, great milk.

Make me free again.

You're white. You're
a nut, but you're white.

I want all the mirrors
removed from this house, woman.

That's a direct order
from your husband, Othello.

Oh, you stupid little boy, is
this the way you face a problem?

Shut up!
You've abused your skin.

You've dyed your skin.

Yes, yes, I... I did.
W... wasn't that silly of me?

It was stupid.
- Yes, stupid. Insane.

Insane.
- Crazy. - Crazy.

Idiotic.
- Shut up.

Well, I got to get back to work.

You might as well
forget this day and...

So just relax.
The kids are off to school.

Come on down, I'll
make you some breakfast.

I am not sure. This
emotionalizing isn't retarding your skin

from returning
to its normal color.

You're making
great sense, Althea.

I don't know, maybe... maybe
we needed this little emergency to, uh,

Make us realize how much

we need and love each other.

I sure hate to think every married
couple Has to get all shook up like this

just to see how
much they're in love.

No riots yesterday.
Maybe that's a good omen.

Jeff, the ku klux klan
never rings the bell.

Ah, Gerber? - Yes.
- Couple of packages here.

I want you sign right here. - We
didn't order anything. - Sun lamp.

Just put...

Jeff, Jeff, stop it!
Jeff!

Jeff!

Wait a minute!
- Jeff, Jeff, stop!

Get me out of here!
- Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jef!

I don't think I know you.
- Jeff, back! I said, back.

Jeff! Jeff!

Back, back.
I said, back.

Back. Back,
Jeff, Jeff, back.

back, back. I said, back.

Get back. Just get back.

back, back, back.

Back, back, back.
I said, Jeff, back down.

Jesus!
Talk about black power.

I'm... I'm terribly sorry.
- That's all right.

Never mind.

I must have the wrong
address. Put it on my head.

Why?
- Ha? Why?

That guy needs a sun lamp like
Fred Astaire needs dancing lessons.

Look, just close the door
behind me, that's all. Let me go.

I heard. I heard him.
- So you heard?

He thinks I'm colored.

So what? You
thought you were colored.

Until you learned the facts, you
thought you were colored, right?

So? - So why shouldn't
he think you're colored?

You're right again, Althea.

I tell you, you're a growing
source of strength to me.

You could've killed
that man. - I suppose so.

The negroes in the city
have enough trouble

without your killing
a white man.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

What's wrong with dad,
mom? - Too much sun lamp.

Ooga, booga, doo.

I'm getting
whiter and whiter.

Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

Ooga, booga, dooga,
doo. Me, friend.

Not funny.
- You got enough milk?

Yeah. - Think you're
getting any whiter?

No, but my skin
is getting lovely and soft.

You know, you've been in there
3 hours. You're going to marinate.

Isn't it cold?
- Yeah, a little.

Want me to warm it up a little?
- You know I hate warm milk.

Have you decided whether or not
you're going to work tomorrow?

I'm going to work. - I promised the kids
they could watch you run out of the house.

Did you promise
them they could stay up

and watch the cross
burn on our front lawn?

Well, is there
anything I can get you?

A box of Graham
crackers or some Bosco?

I don't need companionship.
I've got my book.

Yes, I know, voodoo
without killing chickens.

They told me at the
library it's number one in Haiti.

Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.
- Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

Bon voyage.

Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

Ooga, dooga, booga, doo.

The bus!
The bus is coming, yay!

There he is!
Back in action!

let's go, man.
Let's go. Let's go.

Is that him?
What happened to him?

Of course it's him. Has to be
him. What happened to him?

Son of a bitch! Look, som- It's him!

He's catching up!
He's catching up!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Police!

Stop! Thief!

Where are you
running, sea biscuit?

Police violence!

Sure. What's in the case?

Shoes.
Whose?

Mine.

Neighborhood isn't safe
anymore. - I didn't do anything!

Neighborhood isn't safe anymore.
It's terrible. Just terrible. - Break it up.

Shoes.
- I told you.

Try 'em on,
Cinderella. - What?

Well, they're yours,
all right. - I told you!

Somebody got a
complaint against this man?

Somebody see him steal
anything? Speak up.

I didn't see him, but he must have.
- What is it, officer? What did this man do?

Oh, they stick together.
- What did he do?

He stole something. - What did I
steal? Who saw me steal something?

Anybody see this
man steal anything?

A purse, a wallet?

How about a brand-new
color TV set?

You know this man? - This man's
a regular passenger on my bus.

He was runnin' for the bus.

Since when is there a law
against runnin' for the bus?

All right,
break it up, folks.

Break it up.
Shoo-shoo. Come on.

Hey, uh, what
happened to you, man, uh?

How come I never noticed
you were colored before?

Because I was never colored before.
- Oh, it happened just like that, huh?

Just like that! - Well, when
you get back on the bus,

just sit down and cool it.
They don't love you, you know?

Nobody loves me! Big deal.
- Well, just don't make any trouble.

Listen, I'm not colored!

I know.
I'm Spanish, myself.

# Sometimes I feel
like a motherless child!

Hasta la vista.

Hey.
Health drink. Double.

And don't be a wise guy.

Hey. Don't I know
you from somewhere?

I'm Mr. Gerber.
Jeff Gerber.

Well, I ain't Gunga Din.

I never noticed. - Look, come
on, hurry up with my health drink.

I'm late as it is now.
- Slow your roll, man.

I told the owner the lights
in here wasn't no good.

Hey, Jeff. You certainly
set a good example.

A good job like you got.

What's draggin' you, brother?

I'm wondering what's
uh, in this health drink?

Oh, that?
Orange juice,

Papaya juice,
Lime juice,

And soy sauce.
- Soy sauce!

What the hell are you
puttin' in soy sauce for?

Well, we was all out
of Worcestershire sauce.

What?
- Cool it, Jeff.

That's why they don't
want us in these places now.

Us?

I'll sue the entire N.A.A.C.P.

Look at my skin! - I don't
have to look at your skin.

I can look at my own.

Here, now,
what's goin' on?

I'm gonna have this entire place
shut down as a homosexual hangout.

Who is that
gentleman? - Soy sauce?

Oh, now look, Mr. Soy sauce,
I don't want any trouble.

I've always gotten along well
with members of your race.

Ask Joe here.

I'm not negro.
I'm Spanish. Soy sauce!

Not one word.

Not one word.

Us?

Can I help you?
- No one can help me.

Whom is it you wish
to see about what?

I'd like to see Abe Lincoln
about this equality bullshit.

Mr. Gerber!
- Well, it ain't soy sauce.

What happened to you?
- I'm pledging for a fraternity.

Mr. Gerber!
- Never heard of him.

But, Mr. Gerber...

Get out of my way, Erica, unless you
want to feel the wrath of my switchblade.

I would like to feel the
wrath of your switchblade.

Morning, Gladys.
- Mr. Gerber, what happened?

Is there anything I can do?
- Hide your high school ring.

Mr. Townsend said for you to
see him as soon as you come in.

All right.

Yes?
- Mr. Townsend is waiting.

Yes.

Ok.

I'm colored, Mr. Townsend.
I'm a negro.

Gerber, what the hell
have you been doing?

Sitting under a sun lamp?

Oh, that's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me, sir.

Did you get that tan in just
the 2 days you were out?

Yes, yes, I did.
The secret is soy sauce.

Lots and lots of soy sauce.

Don't you think you overdid it a bit?
- Yes, yes, I do. I... I really do.

It... it was a
frightening experience.

Yeah, I should think so.

Now, look, there's no need
to come apart at the seams.

It'll fade and you'll be fine.

You still have got
to pick up your sales.

Until I spoke to you,
Mr. Townsend, I must confess,

I was pretty shook up.

All right, now go on back to
your desk, and don't let me down.

All right, sir.
God bless you, sir.

There still is a
God, you know, sir.

Miss Regan...

Yes, Mr. Townsend? - Would you
get my optometrist on the phone?

These tinted contact
lenses he gave me,

I think they're
a bit on the dark side.

Hello, palefaces.
Come on, girls.

Get back to work or you'll
be back on the streets

Working for real money.
What's the matter, fella?

Ain't you never
seen an Aztec before?

What the hell have you
done to yourself, Jeff?

How do you like
my golden glow, Andy?

Don't I look like a friggin' bronze
God? - That's not what they're sayin'.

I have it on
no less an authority

than DJ Townsend
that I have a glorious tan.

I... I got to tell you, Jeff.
If... if I didn't know you, I'd say...

Look, Andy, if you have inherent
racial prejudice, that's your hang-up.

I personally think
I have a beautiful color.

Gladys, bring in my
appointment book, please, dear.

Clark Dunwoodie, please.

Hello, Clark?

Jeff Gerber. Well, I hopped down
to the islands for a couple days.

Get that old tan
in shape, you know?

How's about today,
lunch? Well, you name it.

Ok, your club, 12:30.
See you then.

Where do you think you're going?
- I'm lunching with Clark Dunwoodie.

Not in here, you're not.
- Hey, come on, you're kidding?

You know me, Jeff Gerber.
Mr. Dunwoodie, he's expecting me.

Come on, fella, I got my orders.
Now, this club has got rules.

Fun is fun, but don't make me
angry. You better let me pass.

What's your name, sir?

Uh, Jeff Gerber. Uh, I'm having
lunch with, uh, Clark Dunwoodie.

Oh, yes, Mr. Gerber.

Mr. Dunwoodie wanted
me to give you his apologies.

He had to go back to the office.
Some kind of an emergency board meeting.

He's going to call you later
this afternoon and explain it.

Don't pull that
crap on me!

Well, I'm very sorry
for the inconvenience.

Now, move along, please. - Hey,
look, there must be some mistake.

Come on, move along. - Hey,
hey, hey, I ask you, is this America?

Is this America?
- Yeah, man.

# No, this ain't America
# you can't fool me!

Hey, look, why don't
you let him go in there?

I belong in there!

# If you don't fit
the right image

# they just pull
out their D.D.T.

# If they just don't
like the way you look

# they just law and
order and pricks!

# They're prickin' me!

Come in.
- Excuse me, Mr. Townsend?

Yes.

This man says
he works for you.

Good grief.
Gerber, is that you?

Uh, yes, officer,
he... he works for me.

Very well. I'll leave him in
your charge. He stole something.

We don't know what it is
yet.- Brutality, brutality.

You can leave him with me,
officer. - Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Gerber, w... w... what happened?

If I didn't know you myself...
- I'm black. I've become black.

You ask anyone
on the street,

they'll say, "that man, he's black."

Mmm-hmm, sure, he's black."
- Get hold of yourself.

Yowser. I'm gonna
get a hold of myself.

Yowser, boss.

You know, this could work
to both our advantages.

Boss have heap
big sense of humor.

Stop that foolish vaudeville
routine and listen to me a minute.

Look, I don't care
what color you are.

You're an intelligent,
educated man.

And damn it, Gerber, there
is a whole market out there,

that has never even been
approached by our company,

because we have never
had a negro salesman.

Why, you can make
yourself a fortune.

That negro insurance
market is virtually untapped.

Look, I tell you what,
you run back to your office...

I can't run anywhere. They'll arrest
me before I get halfway down the hall.

Go back to your office
and wait there for me,

I'll bring the statistics. They'll
shock you. - I'll just shuffle along.

Uh, give me 15'. - Oh, you
don't have to hurry yourself

over little old, poor
little me, Mr. Townsend.

Make a list of all those
articles that have been stolen.

And any of you
who have been raped,

Please report
to the dispensary.

Any of you who are
interested in tap dancing,

gospel singing,
boxing lessons,

Please come into
my office. Gladys?

Dr. Wainwright, please.
Jeff Gerber. Thank you.

Dr. Wainwright, I got
to see you right away.

Unclean! Unclean!

Beware the black scourge!

Double trouble,
boil in trouble!

Take your children,
gather them.

Take them
to the high ground!

Doctor, uh,
Mr. Gerber's here.

But, uh...
- show him in.

No swelling.

If it were overexposure,
there'd be swelling.

Your lips, as I recall,
were always rather full.

High cheekbones, wide face.

You tryin' to tell
me somethin'? - Uh-huh.

I don't see how
it could be the sun lamp.

Anything unusual
in your diet?

Crow.

I've laid a lot of crow, doc.

It could be some
kind of an allergy.

But it's more apt
to be something else.

Well, go ahead,
tell me. I won't blab.

Well, it's more apt to be
something in your family lineage.

You mean like insanity?

It's quite possible that
somewhere in your lineage,

There is a negro strain.

You're lookin' at a strained
negro right now, doc.

If that were the case, it
would be apparent from birth,

Not in your middle years.

And it would seem
logical that your parents

would have said something to you
about it. - They never called me a nigger.

No matter how angry they got,
they never called me a nigger.

Oh, they might have
revealed it in other ways,

Ways more Freudian.

Um, what's your
full name, Jeff?

Jefferson W. Gerber.

What's the "W" for?
- Washington.

Jefferson Washington Gerber?

Do you realize that when
the slaves were set free

and they were allowed to
pick any names they wanted,

many of them chose
the names of presidents?

Jefferson Washington Gerber!

Uh, what's your wife's name?

Althea Jemima Gerber.

You're kidding me? What
are your children's names?

Beulah and Rastus. You're
trying to prove that I'm a negro,

And I'm trying
to prove that I'm not!

I'm only trying
to compile some facts.

All right, facts. What
about my skin, huh, huh?

What about that?
That's a fact, isn't it?

Look, something happened
to cause this phenomenon.

Somewhere there's a medical
explanation to this, and we'll find it.

When do you want
to do that, doc?

Right now. - How long
do you think it'll take?

Maybe 3 hours. The rest is
up to the laboratory technicians.

Hello, Althea?

Guess who's coming to dinner?

The children are
in bed. Even Burton.

I thought it best.
- What's wrong?

Wrong? Wrong?

Nothing... nothing's wrong.
- How come you're on fire?

Don't answer it.
- I beg your pardon?

Don't answer it.
- May I ask why?

It's a wrong number.

Oh, then by all means,
let's not answer it.

But I feel I should
ask you this, Althea,

Uh, how do you know
it's a wrong number?

It has a different sound.
Wrong numbers sound neurotic,

Because the circuits
are confused. - I see.

And it just upsets
it if you answer it.

Uh-huh, strange, b- No, you're wrong.

You're nuts!
Hello?

Jeff Gerber?
- Yes?

Move out, nigger.

It was the wrong number.

They've been calling all day.
- What "they"? It was one voice.

Don't make it sound like the
entire west point glee club.

Well, who do you think it is?

It's Avon calling
and the bell's stuck.

Jeff, I have to tell
you, I'm frightened!

You don't have to tell me.
It's fairly noticeable.

How did it go today?
- Oh, it was the usual day.

I was thrown out
of one of the better clubs,

I was picked up twice for
purse-snatching. - What?

Nothing.

Did they notice anything,
anything different at the office?

There were a few remarks.
- What about Townsend?

Oh, he seemed
quite pleased.

It seems I'm one of his
hottest negro salesmen.

You hungry?
- Yeah, I guess so.

What?
Are you crazy?

Is that supposed to be funny?

I didn't realize until after...

Well, listen, Jemima,
you're in this, too.

Jemima? - Your
middle name, baby.

My middle name
is Janine. - Oh.

So don't you
"Jemima" me, Jeff Gerber.

If you've been keeping some racial
secret about yourself from me,

well, just don't you
"Jemima" me! - Oh, I get it!

You're getting
a little worried.

You're just not certain
about things anymore, are you?

Well, there are
children to consider.

What do you think,
right number or wrong?

I don't care anymore.
It's been ringing all day.

Every bigot in this
town is honing in on us.

Hello? - Jeff?
It's Dr. Wainwright.

Yes. What is it?
- It's not hay fever.

Oh, good. - Thought
I'd let you know.

Yes. Thank you. Let me know as
soon as you find out about ragweed.

I'll call immediately.

Dr. Wainwright.

You'll be happy to know I'm
not suffering from hay fever.

I'm a nervous wreck.
I'm going to bed.

Oh, I thought we'd stay up a
while and do a little humming.

I'm going to sleep. You can
turn off the phone if you like.

Can't. Might be
my ragweed calling in.

Suit yourself.

Don't be frightened.
It's just me, black Bart.

Have something
to eat? - Just chicken.

Watermelon doesn't taste
good to me unless it's freshly stolen.

Mind if I get in bed?

this is Tom Harkness
in the downtown business area,

Where police are just now
bringing under control a riot.

Althea?

Within minutes the area was
overrun with pickets, militants,

And housewives
for lower food prices

When an unidentified
drunken negro

Was denied admission
to the Hagstrom yacht club.

Though the actual identity of the
man is not known for certain...

If only they
wouldn't be so pushy.

Hello?
- Jeff Gerber?

Yes.
- Move out, nigger.

Was it Dr. Wainwright?
- I certainly hope not.

Althea, it's Wednesday night.

Why don't we have a little drink?
- Wednesday? No, it's Thursday.

Let's pretend
it's Wednesday.

I'm in need of
some human affection.

I understand,
but not tonight, Ok?

I hate to tell you this, but I'm
beginning to feel just a little bit unloved.

I mean, it may be old-fashioned,
but where I come from,

A guy's wife sticks real
close to him in time of stress.

Well, uh, not tonight.

Something I said?

We could change sides if you'd
like. - That's damn white of you.

Hello? - Jeff,
it's not ragweed,

asthma, or anything to do with
the kidneys. - Good, keep me posted.

I'm staying with it all night.
- Thanks, doctor, I appreciate it.

Hello?
- Jeff Gerber?

He's out bailing cotton.
Can I take a message?

Move out, nigger.

Jeff, don't anger them.
Just don't anger them.

Don't anger them? You
mean, they're not angry already?

What must I do
to get 'em angry?

Try and get into one
of their yacht clubs?

Good morning, Mr. Gerber.
- Morning, Erica.

When do I get to
see your switchblade?

Call me.

Morning, Gladys.
- Mr. Townsend's waiting to see you.

He's fit to be tied and...

Dr. Wainwright called twice and
wants you to call as soon as you come in.

Thank you, Gladys.

Jeff, it's no longer a joke.

It has nothing to
do with allergies,

blood counts
or electrocardiograms.

And it has nothing
to do with soy sauce.

We've run 18 different tests on
soy sauce, And the opinion is that

Soy sauce is more apt to
make you oriental than negro.

C'est le guerre.
that's logical.

I spent the entire
night in the trenches

wWith doctors Carson, Harcourt,
Whittemore, O?Neil, and Hamilton.

And they're firmly
of the opinion that...

Jeff, I'm not one
of those doctors

who believes in keeping
the truth from a patient.

Did you know that the first
man to die in an American war

was a black man,
Crispus Attikus?

What I'm getting at is,

Jeff, you're a negro.

When do you want
to see me again?

I don't think
it's necessary.

Closing the book
on me, huh?

Now, with your approval,
I'd like to turn your case over to

an outstanding young doctor

who's a member
of your own race.

Dr. John l. Catlin, you
may have heard of him.

What's the "l" for?
Lincoln?

You do understand,
don't you, Jeff?

Of course.
- Good.

Well, perhaps we'll bump
into each other again some day.

Maybe at the Newport regatta.

Mr. Townsend is waiting.

You disappeared on
me yesterday, Gerber.

I'm sorry. I thought it
was important. - It wasn't.

Look, I want
a negro representative.

But I will not tolerate
any lack of diligence.

I understand.

Good. Now, I want you to turn
over all your files to Brandon.

He'll service them. You
can still get the commissions.

This is the area I want you to work in.
The sooner you get started, the better.

Any questions,
come directly to me.

Oh, uh, by the way, Gerber,

I notified the N.A.A.C.P.
And core

that we have a negro on our
staff. They're both quite pleased.

Don't let 'em down.

These policies aren't quite
correct for a man in your bracket.

I'd recommend that
you set aside a bit more

For your future children's
education.

I'm very happy to say
that for the first time today,

I'm gonna recommend that somebody
buy an insurance policy from me.

I strongly suggest that you, uh,
invest some of your widow's pension

In income-earning stocks and bonds.
And I'd be glad to recommend a man.

He's white.
- Many people are.

Well, Gerber,iIt looks to me
as though you've been giving out

quite a bit of free advice these past
few days. - That's part of the job, isn't it?

Maybe, but on your
first day you made 9 calls

and sold one policy.

3 policies
you did nothing about,

and 5 policies you
re-arranged so that...

So that our company loses
363 $ in annual premiums.

But eventually, all those
people will become good customers

Only because I took the
time... - Oh, nonsense.

Gerber, those people don't
know the first thing about insurance.

You would be doing the
community a public service

To sell them all
the insurance you could,

so that they would never
become a drain on our society.

Every one of those homes
I visited in the last few days

Was occupied by
personable, responsible...

Horse crap!

Look...

PUT YOUR BEST
FOOT FORWARD
# Excuse me, buddy, but

# excuse me, lady, but

... AND...
# you foolin', ain't ya?

# where can I be?

# This ain't America, is it?

# Oh, Lord,
where can I be?

BE A CREDIT TO YOUR RACE
# This ain't America, is it?

# No, this ain't America

# you can't fool me.

You're wrong to go on
trying to fool yourself.

# This here's
the home of the sheriff.

YOU'RE A NEGRO
# not the land of the free

# In America, folks don't
run through the streets

# blood streaming

YESSIRee - FACS ARE FACTS
# from where they been beat

# and the parks
is for the people

Quite a background. Dean's
list 3 times, college graduate,

excellent service record. 17
years in the insurance profession.

Congratuations! YESSSIRee I think...
# and the cops
in the good old U.S.A.

# don't they need
some kind of gods either?

... I have just the thing!
# No, this ain't America
you can't fool me

You're not kidding, man.

Take Jamie over there,
he's got 13 years.

And a hell
of a good bowler, too.

Of course they always
make him bowl on the far Lane.

Kind of downwind,
so to speak.

I'm not kidding.

# love

# That's America, open
arms for every creature

# love
# open arms

# that's America
for every man

# love

# that's America

# Joy and peace
and Harmony

# love!

# that's America

# billions of lives

# love!
# love

# that's America
Yes, love, that's America

# love!

# that's America
Lonely but fallin'

# love!

# that's America

# the old eagle
wearin' a grin

# love!

# that's America

# the bald eagle

Jeff, you know our neighbors.

Well, the vigilantes.

I've got the coffee on.

Well, then, what can I
do for you gentlemen?

Jeff, we may as well
get right to the point.

Everybody else does.

We feel your presence
in the neighborhood

can undermine the value of
our homes, and we're concerned.

Yes, I've gotten a
couple of your phone calls.

Oh, that wasn't us, Jeff.
- Shut up, Fred.

As nicely as
we can put it, Jeff,

we'd like you to move out,
before it becomes common knowledge

that there's a negro
family in the area.

Is that as nicely as you
can put it?- We're concerned.

Oh, perfectly understandable.

Especially since I've taken the
spot announcements on radio.

And wait until
you see the skywriting.

We're prepared to
offer a very fair deal.

Walter has the figures. Walter?

Your house is worth about
40.000 $ on the open market.

37.000 $.
- Well, give or take...

12 $ as soon as the word
gets out that I'm a nigger.

We represent a
group of people, Jeff.

And we have the
backing of 3 local banks.

So we're prepared
to offer you 50.000 $.

Oh, I do declare that sure
am a great pile of money.

We'll sell your house to a good family
and absorb the loss among ourselves.

Oh, my goodness!
50.000 samoleans!

Heavens to uncle Remus.

But I can't accept it.

We're prepared to
pay it right now. Tonight.

Oh, I know you're
prepared to pay it.

But I'm not
prepared to accept it.

I mean, uh,
me and my family,

we've looked forward
to living here all our lives.

We like it here.

All those friendly phone calls,

And at any time a nice rock can
come crashing through the window

to remind us that people
are still thinking of us.

60.000 $. That'sas high as we can go.

Oh, come on,
try harder! 75.000 $.

All right, 75.000 $. But
that's as... - You see that?

You went higher. Now
try 80.000 $. - 75.000 $.

Oh, come on,

I'll make more than that from my
watermelon patch in just one year.

Not to mention the admissions
from the revival meeting.

80.000 $.

Now try 90.000 $.

Unless of course you don't
mind the smell of fried chicken

and ham bones just wafting
through your lovely neighborhood.

90.000 $. - Oh, that
sure am a lot of money.

But I like something with a...
a more, uh, naughts to it.

You know, somethin' a bit rounder,
somethin' with more naughts, you know, zeroes.

100.000 $. And that's as high
as we're authorized to go.

You turn it down,
we're not responsible.

Well, I'll take it.
I'll take it.

Where do I sign?

You'll find
everything in order.

As you know, Walter's
an officer with the bank.

It's all pretty standard,
if you care to read it over.

I think this is the best thing
for everybody all around.

Oh, I think so, too.
I was going to sell this house.

I think the neighborhood's
a bit too Jewish.

Well, good night,
Jeff. Good luck.

It's nothing personal.
- Oh, it never is.

If it was personal,
well, I'd feel real bad.

Good night, Jeff.
You have 2 weeks.

Look, if you have any trouble,
and need to store your stuff,

Please call my secretary.

She'll give you
the necessary assistance.

Good night, Jeff. You've
gotten a very good deal.

Perhaps... perhaps it'll make us
seem less villainous in your eyes.

Good night, Jeff.

Villainous? Don't be silly.

I know who my friends are.

And the next nice
neighborhood I move into,

You guys'll get
first crack at me.

100.000 $!

All I got to do
is turn white.

Boy, would their faces be red.

You took advantage of
them because you're colored.

How's that? - Those
people were our friends.

What should have I done,
given them a discount?

Pushing your way, just pushing,
pushing, pushing. Is that the answer?

They wanted us out
of the neighborhood.

Where do you get
that "us"? You, not us!

Would you repeat that again?
I don't think I heard that right.

It's very confusing.

Forgive me. There's been a
great deal of pressure on me lately.

I mean, just
answering the phone...

Well, I haven't been exactly winning
any popularity contests myself!

Well, it's different with you. You
weren't liked before this happened.

I was liked!
Everybody liked me.

Everybody.

I hate to tell you this, but
you're supposed to be on my side!

The marriage contract
said, "Till death do us part."

It said that in
black and white, I believe.

When we got
married, I had no idea

It was going to be an
interracial thing, you never told me.

Well, I just got wind of it myself.
If I had known what was gonna happen,

I would have put an escape
clause in your marriage contract!

"If my husband becomes
a negro, all bets are off."

How dare you be
sarcastic with me?

I'm the one who was compromised
- Oh, I'm not angry. How could I be angry?

I have a 100.000 $ suntan!

And why do you
insist on being negro?

I don't insist.
I accept it.

What would you have me do,
dye my hair and insist I'm white?

You know what I'd look
like with blonde hair, Althea?

Like a grilled
cheese sandwich.

Negro humor
always escaped me.

Well,

We're learning a lot
about each other, aren't we?

Yes, we are.

What happened to the
flaming liberal I married?

I'm still liberal.

But to a point.

I'm sorry, baby.

I didn't realize you were
under as much pressure as me.

Let's forget it tonight.

Because tonight,
it's Wednesday.

It's Wednesday.
And I love you.

No, it's Tuesday.
- It's Wednesday.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I have to get my bearings.

It won't be Wednesday

Until... until
I get my bearings.

I...I... I'm going
to go to sleep.

Ok.

Jeff, I sent the kids
to my sister's.

Your sister lives
in Indianapolis.

They'll be there by morning.
Margaret said she'd meet the train.

I'm sorry, but I wanted
them away from all this,

if and when the
newspapers find out.

#Where are the children?

#Where are the children?

You were not disappointment.

You were wonderful.

Thank you very much.

In Norway
we have very few negroes.

Oh, well, uh,
I'll tell my buddies, uh...

Then you'll have a lot
of them in no time at all.

Negroes have
beautiful bodies.

Yeah, well, uh,
I've been workin' out.

And when all
those black muscles

All work together
to make love,

It is so very marvelous.

Yeah, well,
they all work together.

You know, we... we're
noted for that, you know.

The thigh bone connected
to the hip bone, you know.

They're all hooked up just right.

And the way
a negro makes love...

I can never make love
to a white man again.

Well, I...

I guess there'll be a few
girls to take up the slack.

We must make love
every night

And during lunch hours,

Every spare moment. - Yeah, well, I
think we should take time off to vote.

Where are you going?
Is there voting now?

No, I'm, uh, I'm leaving.

All right.

Will I see you tomorrow?
- Oh, yeah, probably at the office.

Probably I'll give you a pinch in the
ass. You know, give you a little thrill.

I have disappointed
you?
- Ah, no.

Not quite the way you think.

Yes, you have disappointed me.

There's something
I didn't do?

Ah, no, uh, offhand,

There's nothing I can
think of that,
uh, we forgot.

Then why are you leaving?

Well, I can't expect
you to understand, Erica.

Explain. I will try.

I will try anything to please you.

Ok.

Try and understand that, uh,

beauty is only skin deep.

I want you to love me
because of what I am,

Not because I'm a negro.

You're a very nice man,

Very courteous.

You say please
and thank you.

So I like you.

Then why are you
leaving? Did I hurt you?

Oh, my God,
if I hurt you...

Such a great bang.

But you're a bigot, Erica.

A big, blonde bigot.

So thank you,

But no thank you.
- You black bastard.

You're really getting to it.
My goodness, in no time at all,

you'll qualify for
American citizenship.

Get out of here,
you... you nigger!

Ah, by Jove, she's got it.
I really think she's got it.

Hey, don't worry about running
out of new words to call me, Erica.

'cause in a few years,
you'll know 'em all.

Get out, nigger!
- I'm going. Bye, Erica.

Rape!
- Bye, Erica.

Rape!

Rape!

Jeff?

# Where are the children?

Jeff, I'm sorry.

I'm ashamed of
myself and I'm sorry.

But I can't help it.

I'm going to Indianapolis.

Please try to
understand. Althea.

Good morning, Mr. Gerber.

My goodness, you've been
getting phone calls this morning

Requesting appointments.
They started coming in at 08:30.

And, oh, let's see,
uh, Dr. Catlin called

and, uh, well, Mr. Townsend would
like to see you. - Thank you, Gladys.

That's a nice tie,
Mr. Gerber. - Thank you.

Mr. Townsend. - Yes, Gerber, I
sent for you. Sit down and shut up.

Screw you. I'm opening
up my own office. - What?

I said, "screw you,
I'm opening up my own office."

Serves you right.
You'll be broke in a week.

I don't think so.
Some neighbors chipped in

and I won't have to worry for
quite a while. Townsend. - Yes?

About your breath...

# They gotta make
some kind of deal

# everything you got,
gives me a thrill

# don't they know
all gonna doubt

# gotta get through to you

# gotta get to you

# gotta get through,
just gotta get through

# don't throw my love
in a frying pan

# don't throw my love

# you got the keys,
and you got the latch

# you got the keys

# I'm soul'd on you

# soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on you

# oh, they called me
Mr. Cool before

# but you got me
poundin' on your front door

# Yes, I used to be Mr. Cool

# but, girl, I'm ready
to be your fool

# yeah, 'cause your lovin'
it makes me more

# your lovin' makes me more

# you can't take it
to my soul

# to my soul,
yeah, to my soul

# don't throw my love
in the trash out back

# you got the keys,
and you got the latch

# I'm soul'd out on you
soul'd, sister

# I'm soul'd on you

# my crazy love
I'm soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on you

# Lord, you got me
down on bended knees

# let me hip you
to the birds and bees

# come on, girl,
let's make it down there

# Lord knows that you,
what you wear

# you know
I can't live without you

# I can't live without you

# when you do that thing
I just gotta do

# gotta do, just gotta do

# oh, don't throw my love

# in the trash out back

# oh, you got the keys,
and you got the latch

# you got the keys
I'm soul'd on you, oh, sister

# soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on
you, my baby

# soul'd on you

# I'm soul'd on you

# soul'd on you
soul'd

# soul'd on you
soul'd

# soul'd on you,
soul sister, soul'd

# soul'd on you,
black beauty

# soul'd on you,
brown sugar

# soul'd on you

Hello.
#Jeff?

Yes.
- It's Althea.

Althea?
Althea, my wife?

I've been calling everywhere.
The phone's been turned off.

When I moved
out of our house,

I had the phone
disconnected. Where are you?

I finally got you through
information. I'm in Indianapolis.

What's wrong? The kids all
right? - The kids are fine.

Thanks for sending so much
money. It was very generous.

Well, they're still
my kids, aren't they?

Yes, and I'm never gonna let
them forget their father.

Well, thank you.

It's so nice to be so well
remembered before I die.

Jeff, hearing your voice,

I mean, on the phone,

It's... it's like
it never happened.

Not on this end, baby.

Anyway, I just wanted you
to know I was thinking of you

and... and I hope you're taking
care of yourself. - Well, I'm fine.

Still getting your exercise?

Yes, Althea, you don't
have to worry about me.

I'm working out in the evenings
now. - Promise me that you are.

Oh, I are. I are.
- You are?

I are.

Ha!

ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Hee!
- Ha!

Hee!
- Ha!

Hee!
- Ha!

Hee!
- Ha!

Hee!
- Ha!

# No, this ain't America

# you can't fool me

# you can't fool me,
you can't fool me

# Excuse me, but seriously
you can't fool me

# which way is
the good old U.S.A.?

# you can't fool me

# this ain't nothing like
the place I wanna be

# not a Chance,
I didn't cheat

# you can't fool me

# I don't care what you
say # you can't fool me

# hey, why you pointin' that
this way?

# this sure ain't
America, is it?

# no, this ain't America!

# you can't fool me

# you can't fool me

# you can't fool me
# you can't fool me

# no, this ain't America!

# you can't fool me

Corrected by suadnovic