Water (2022) - full transcript

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

Welcome to "Last Week Tonight!"
I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.

And I would love to talk about the fact
that Beyonc? released a new single,

or that this floppy king

became the first bloodhound
to win the Westminster Dog Show.

Look at him! Look at that wingspan!
He looks like a stoned seaplane!

But sadly, I can't do that,
thanks to the Supreme Court,

which had itself
a banner fucking week.

On Thursday, they struck down
New York's concealed carry law,

then on Friday,
one-upped themselves with this.



Tonight, the landmark ruling.

The Supreme Court
overturning Roe v. Wade,

taking away the constitutional right
to abortion.

The impact: roughly half the states
expected to ban abortion,

13 states with trigger laws
banning abortion immediately or soon.

Yeah. It's absolutely horrifying.
I know for many of you out there,

the very last thing you need right now
is for some white guy

who'll never need an abortion
to tell you how bad things are

in a cadence
that can best be described

as "what if you sang Journey at karaoke
and your voice got stuck",

but we are here
and we've got to talk about this.

Because it's been
a horrendous few days.

And what's made it even harder has
been having to watch shit like this.

Attorney General Ken Paxton says he's
celebrating the Supreme Court opinion.



He closed his offices at noon today
because of this decision.

He says, going forward,

June 24th will be an annual holiday
for the office of the attorney general.

Nope. Fuck you.
First, June 24th is already a holiday.

It's Solange's birthday and she
does not deserve this on her day.

Second, nobody wants to go to a
sanctity of life anti-choice cookout.

The potato salad is going to be trash.
And finally, you don't get a holiday

to celebrate the loss of rights
for millions of people

when you already have one,
and it's called Columbus Day.

It is hard to stomach some
of the gleeful responses right now.

Mike Pence issued the statement,
"life won",

which is pretty tough to take,
given that for some,

especially disabled people
and other vulnerable groups,

forced pregnancy
could be a death sentence.

And make no mistake,
this decision is sweeping.

It says states could limit abortion
"at all stages of development",

phrasing that could mean
from the moment of conception onward,

with no exceptions.

And while the Supreme Court's
constantly disappointing,

I guess it shouldn't be that surprising
that an interview process

where you can say, and I quote:

"Yes, we drank beer.
My friends and I, boys and girls.

Yes, we drank beer. I liked beer.
Still like beer. We drank beer",

and still get the job, doesn't
necessarily produce the best results.

Some supporters of this decision have
tried to minimize its impacts,

claiming that it merely returns
the issue to the states.

Others have said people can choose
to have their mandatory baby adopted,

or go to a state that allows abortion.

But first, even when planned,
pregnancy is, best case scenario,

a major medical event
that rips open your butt,

rearranges your organs,
then puts them back in wrong,

and anyone who genuinely advocates
adoption as a reasonable alternative

has clearly never heard
the word "prolapse".

And the idea that you can simply
seek an abortion in another state

is insulting on its face, even before
you consider that some lawmakers

are already openly looking for ways
to punish out-of-state abortions.

In some ways,
we're in uncharted territory here.

Because when you hear people say
we're returning to a pre-Roe landscape,

that's not entirely true.

This is a different world now.

In some ways,
it's better, there are new,

less invasive ways for people
to terminate pregnancies,

like with medications.

But there are also new ways
for the state to monitor people,

meaning that, in states
where abortion will now be outlawed,

"any pregnancy loss
past an early cutoff

can now potentially
be investigated as a crime",

which in turn means,

"search histories, browsing histories,
text messages, location data,

payment data,
information from period-tracking apps",

"prosecutors can examine all of that

if they believe the loss of a pregnancy
may have been deliberate."

And that is not the only Pandora's box
that this ruling has opened.

Because Clarence Thomas,
in his concurrence,

indicated he'd actually like to go
a little further.

He writes, quote, "In future cases,
we should reconsider

all of this court's substantive
due process precedents,

including Griswold, Lawrence,
and Obergefell".

He's talking about reconsidering
decisions on gay rights

and the right to contraception.

Yeah. Clarence Thomas wants
to uphold the sanctity of marriage.

Because as we all know,

marriage is between one man
credibly accused of sexual harassment

and one woman who wanted
to overthrow a presidential election.

The way God intended.

On one hand, the majority decision
does state that it only concerns

the right to an abortion,
and not those other issues.

But on the other hand,

that language by no means precludes
the court from one day deciding,

"You know what?
We think it does apply now".

And besides, what kind of idiot

would even pretend to believe
any reassurances from these justices?

You're right, it's Susan Collins.

Susan Collins would absolutely be
that fucking idiot.

And the thing is, even if we don't
go down that slippery slope,

this is already bad enough.

Because what the Supreme Court
has just done is utterly devastating.

The message it sends is pretty clear:
"We don't care if pregnancy kills you.

We don't care
if you don't want to be pregnant.

We don't care about you at all."

And for those,
like Representative Cori Bush,

who have been able to avail themselves
of abortion services in the past,

and know how life-changing
they can be,

it is hard to consider what the future
now holds for others in their position.

I'm standing at the place

where I had my own abortion
care services at 18 years old.

I got raped when I was 17,

and I was able to be back here
with the secretary.

- That was here?
- Here.

As we're talking,
we're sitting with the secretary.

That announcement was made.

It broke my heart.

Because I'm thinking
about the people

who today found out
that they were pregnant,

who found out
they were pregnant a few weeks ago,

and were trying
to figure out what to do.

To restrict people's right to their
own body and their own decisions,

it broke me down.

I think about my daughter,
who will never know

what it's like to live in a Roe v. Wade
constitutionally protected society.

This is gutting. There is a huge amount
of understandable rage right now.

And there are plenty of individuals
and institutions worthy of that anger.

We've talked before, multiple times,
about how exactly we got here,

the years of planning
by anti-abortion forces,

and the failure of Democrats
to effectively mobilize to stop them.

And it has been dispiriting to see
so many Democrats this week

utterly fail to meet the moment,
by the way,

they had nearly two months
to plan for.

Nancy Pelosi read a poem,

one rep Tweeted
a picture of himself doing yoga,

and so many Democrats
sent out requests for money,

really fulfilling
that old Democratic adage,

"When they go low,
we ask you for $15".

All of which seemed so completely out
of touch with how people were feeling.

Honestly, a much better response
came from the Gators Daily account,

Twitter's number-one
crocodilian influencer,

which simply posted,
"Fuck the Supreme Court",

and then added, "If you don't agree
get the fuck off my page,

every alligator hates you
and I hope your family

is cursed for several generations
to never see an alligator again".

That is some strong messaging.

I don't mean to suggest
all Democrats fell short.

Some, like Cori Bush and AOC,

seemed to understand
what people were going through.

As did, by the way,
the Michigan Legislative Black Caucus,

which released a statement saying,
and I quote, "This is some bullshit".

Which it absolutely is.

And I am not saying that all I want
from leaders is shows of anger.

It has been depressing to see so many
of them treat the end of Roe v. Wade

with the solemnity of a funeral,

instead of the urgency
of a fucking cardiac arrest.

And they stand in stark contrast
to the groups on the ground

who've been displaying that urgency
for years now.

They fought relentlessly

as abortion rights have been
chipped away all over the country.

And they have worked tirelessly
to find ways around each restriction,

and provide healthcare services
for those who have been denied them,

even when it was very hard.

Volunteers walked
people into clinics,

and doctors flew in
to provide procedures,

abortion advocates did all of this,

even as they were
being yelled at from one side,

and told that they were
overreacting by the other.

And their unflinching commitment
and compassion is something

we are all going to need to find ways
to emulate going forward,

both on an individual level,
as we help one another navigate

the nightmarish maze that basic
healthcare is about to become.

And hopefully, eventually,
on an institutional one,

if those in power can demonstrate
enough commitment to this fight.

Time will tell
what this week actually was.

If it was a permanent setback,

a way station
along a further descent into hell,

or if it galvanized a movement that
won back everything that we just lost.

But the only thing I know for sure
is that this week was heartbreaking,

it was enraging,
it was a supreme injustice,

and it was, if I may quote
the Michigan Legislative Black Caucus,

some absolute bullshit.

And now, this!

And Now?

In the Interest of Giving You
Something Very Stupid:

Better Names for the Dogs from
This Year's Westminster Dog Show.

Ham Burger.

Worm.

The Erotic Cowboy.

Alan.

Jeffery Epstein (No Relation).

Cat Enjoyer.

Le Chevalier de la Terre
et des Cieux.

Weird Phil.

Snacks.

The Old World Is Dying, and the
New World Struggles to Be Born,

Now Is the Time of Monsters.

Alan 2.

Nicole Kidman.

MTV's Ridiculousness.

And, Todd.

Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns water.

It is not the one thing

that your houseplant needed
that you couldn't even provide,

it's also the engine
that once powered this classic toy.

What's this crazy thing?
Why, it's the Wham-O Water Wiggle.

You've never seen anything like it!
Just hook up to a hose and look!

A new fun game!
It's practically alive!

You never know
what the Water Wiggle will do next!

Yes, the Water Wiggle!
You'll never know what it'll do next!

Except kill some people. Because
that's what the Water Wiggle did.

It killed multiple people,
and it was recalled.

That's right, we are less
than two minutes into this piece,

and I've already hit you
with a trademark John Oliver Sad Fact.

Sad fact!

Water is obviously vital
to all life on Earth.

Our bodies are bags of bones
and meat suspended in water.

But already, 3.6 billion people,
nearly half the world's population,

live in areas that suffer water
scarcity at least one month each year.

And while this is clearly
becoming a problem everywhere,

tonight, we're going to focus
on the American West,

where the last several decades
have seen a record-breaking drought.

The Southwest is actually going through
its driest 22-year period since 800 A.D.

That is as far back as the data goes.

Which is already pretty startling,
partly because I cannot believe

that someone back then was even
keeping drought records.

It was probably the ninth century
version of me,

some lanky,
near-sighted dweeb who squealed,

"I'll be the official drought daddy!
I'll count the wets!"

This drought has had massive impact
on the Colorado River, in particular.

Which is a key source of water
for most of the southwestern states.

22 years of drought,
combined with exploding populations,

in Colorado
and throughout the southwest,

have led to record low levels

at both Lake Powell in Utah
and Lake Mead outside Las Vegas,

where an expanding
white ring of mineral deposits

is probably the most visual evidence
of the river's decline.

It's dire. The situation
along the Colorado River is dire,

and I'm not sure
it's going to get better, ever.

That is a bleak thing to hear
an environmental expert say.

But then, the news here is bleak.

Water levels in Lake Mead have now
fallen so much that you may've seen,

authorities have found human remains
there, twice, in just one week.

Which really freaked me out,
until I remembered that I dumped

that hitchhiker in Lake Mojave,
not Lake Mead.

So, I'm good. And while
you would like to think a situation

this dire would cause people to be
more mindful of our water usage,

instead, we're seeing stories like this.

Right now, it's an empty plot
of land covered with brush.

But if developer Regent Properties
gets the go-ahead,

the open desert
will be transformed into this,

the $750 million
Thermal Beach Club.

Under the current plan,

the developer wants to build
326 luxury homes here at the site,

all surrounding
a 20-acre surfing lagoon.

That's right, a 20-acre surfing lagoon
in the middle of the California desert,

one of at least four new surf lagoons
proposed out there.

That is just monumentally stupid.

I'm honestly surprised
they didn't go even further.

"Not only do we have surfing lagoons,

we also have a wall
of constantly flushing toilets,

a hose that runs all day in the middle
of a concrete parking lot,

and, of course, Wet Frank,

a man that we pay to dump
buckets of water on himself all day.

Keep it up, Frank!
We stan a damp legend!"

And while development
like that is obviously not ideal,

it is depressingly consistent
with our approach to water out West,

because it has been a history
of denial and wishful thinking,

especially around the Colorado River,
that is crashing into harsh reality.

So tonight, let's take a look
at our water shortage,

how it's been impacted
by the choices that we've made,

and what we can do about it.

And let's start with how
the Colorado River is managed.

Because a lot of the problems
that we're seeing today

can be traced back to decisions
that were made a century ago.

This precious resource is allocated
based on a 1922 agreement

called the Colorado River Compact.

Once the river basin states
agreed on their fair shares,

they each established
a seniority system:

first in time, first in right.

It's true. 7 states got together and
carved up all the water in the river,

letting people lay claim to it through
a complex system of calling dibs.

And look, I've got no problem
with dibs in principle.

It's a great way to figure out
who gets the last slice of pizza,

or the pink Starbursts,
or the cutest baby at the hospital.

"I don't care if you gave birth to her,
I called dibs. That one is mine!"

But it is a weird way to divide up
something as important as water.

The Colorado River compact

serves as the foundation for what
is known as the Law of the River.

Which sounds less like a set
of water management agreements

and more like an animated
buddy cop movie starring a trout

and a bear voiced by two actors
who are both wildly antisemitic.

But there were a few major problems
with how the compact was set up,

right from the start.

First, Mexico wasn't included,
and even though it is today,

the river runs dry by the time
it gets across the border.

The compact also didn't specifically
address the water needs of the more

than two dozen Native American
tribes who depend on the river.

Which is pretty shitty,

especially as those tribes
do have the most senior water rights,

given that they were,
in a very real sense, here first.

They have the ultimate dibs.

But even so,
tribes have had to struggle

to get those water rights
quantified on paper,

and even then to get the infrastructure
they need in order to access it.

And for many tribes,
those fights are still happening.

But it wasn't just about
who the compact left out.

Another key flaw was that,
right from the start,

it allocated more water
than actually existed.

Water supplies
are measured in acre-feet,

and the compact divided up rights
to 15 million acre-feet of water,

even though the river only carries
around 12 to 13 million.

And to be clear, they knew
this was a problem at the time.

The explorer and scientist,
John Wesley Powell, warned in 1893,

"There is not sufficient water
to supply these lands".

But the bullshit math never stopped.

Just 10 years ago, in a major study
by the federal government,

states forced the modelers
to add so-called "magic water",

extra water that existed
in the computer model only.

Which is just absurd,
and not only because "magic water"

sounds like a euphemism
for urine used exclusively by Bj?rk.

"It's me, Bj?rk. Sometimes
I have to make some magic water.

But it takes forever
to get out of this swan!"

I get why states might want to pretend
there is more water than there is,

because they want continued
growth and economic development.

And nobody wants to be the bad guy
pointing out the fundamental problem.

Listen to a reporter

pressing a representative
of Southern Nevada's Water Authority

on how they can justify growth
in the face of looming water scarcity.

But something's got to give.

You can't keep expanding the population
size with a dwindling water supply.

- That's just not sustainable.
- That's just human nature.

That really kind of goes back
to manifest destiny.

It goes back to sort
of this American dream.

You're going to continue to see people
moving to the desert Southwest.

From our perspective,
as water managers, it is up to us

to make sure that we're able to meet
the demands of our community,

regardless of what our numbers
might be.

There's a lot there, including
the phrase "manifest destiny",

which, as we all know,
only has good connotations.

Like "a self-published book
about my struggle",

"I really want to impress Jodie Foster"
or "Hello, my name is Ted Cruz".

No red flags there at all.

But again, you can understand why
he feels the need to respond that way.

Nobody wants to be
the one having to deliver bad news.

But the immovable fact is, cities in
the desert can't grow without limits.

And hard sacrifices
will have to be made.

Which brings us to another
fundamental tension here,

specifically,
between farmers and cities.

Because farmers and ranchers
were out west much earlier

than most American cities
were established,

meaning they have senior water rights,
and they use them.

Agriculture uses about 70%
of the Colorado River water.

And agriculture needs water,

and no one wants a situation
where we create food shortages.

But it is worth knowing,
in some places,

farmers are incentivized to use their
allocation to a nonsensical degree.

Many states along the river

have "rules promising
to confiscate water rights

if water users
don't maximize their use".

Basically, use it or lose it.
And that has ingrained certain habits.

Just listen to this farmer in Arizona,

explaining why he chose to grow
a particularly water-intensive crop.

I've just been farming it,
this alfalfa.

You gotta keep farming it
to keep the water,

and that's why I was mainly doing it,
was to hang on to the water.

First, I don't know
who was filming him there,

but that camera
is simply too close.

Back up and give that man some space.
That's just too much face!

But second, he farmed alfalfa just so
he could hold onto his water rights.

Which feels ridiculous.

The only more absurd way
he could've used water in that field

is if he'd also planted Wet Frank.

Great work, Frank!
The soggy prince did it again.

So, for all those reasons,

many related to the compact's
original over-allocation,

the Colorado River is shrinking.

But what that is leading to now
is water users increasingly

turning to another major water source:
groundwater.

Groundwater is what it sounds like,
water under the ground.

It slowly collects in aquifers
beneath the earth's surface,

accumulating when the rain,
snowmelt,

and other natural water sources
seep into the ground.

But importantly,
some of these aquifers took thousands,

if not millions of years to fill.

So, if we pump them dry,
they're not coming back anytime soon.

But that's not always reflected
in our policies.

Take Arizona, for instance.

In 80% of the state,
there are no laws

protecting how much water
is taken from the ground.

And when you have no limits,
it is unsurprisingly a free-for-all.

Over the past five years,

farmlands have increased
by almost a third in Arizona.

The number of wells has risen
from 43 to 123 in Willcox alone.

All they have to do is buy the land

to have access
to as much free water as they want.

In this area, there's no rule.

So, your client can pump
as much water they want?

They could drill a well every
10 foot all around this place.

Yeah, that's not great, is it?
Partly because drilling that many wells

means they're going to pump
a ton of groundwater out,

and also because if your dog
is trying to tell you

that Timmy is stuck down a well,
which well, Rusty?

There are hundreds of them!
Which fucking well?

You have to give me
more than "arf arf" here!

Where's the boy?!

And it is not just Arizona,

big farming operations
have long been pumping groundwater

in the San Joaquin Valley
in California.

And it has had
some pretty severe consequences.

When this much water is pumped
out of the aquifer below ground,

the clay between
the pockets of water collapses

and the ground starts to deflate
like a leaky air mattress.

The sinking is buckling
the walls of irrigation canals,

damaging pipes,
creating giant sinkholes,

and cracking homes.

This bridge has dropped so much,
the water will soon flow over it,

instead of under it.

Yeah, it's true.
And this is not a new problem.

A scientist in California
once marked on a telephone pole

just how much the land
had sunk from 1925 to 1977.

And that is a startling drop.

Although, if you didn't know
what that was measuring,

you would be pretty confused.

It looks like someone

was measuring the shrinking height
of an elderly giant with osteoporosis.

But in recent years,
as large farming operations

have drilled deeper
and sucked up more water,

there have been escalating impacts for
the shallower wells that families use.

Last year in California, nearly
1,000 shallow household wells went dry.

And for anyone who's ever lost one,
it can be a real burden.

This is where we catch our water
so we can flush the toilets.

Get up in the morning,
take two bottles of rainwater,

put it in the coffee pot,
my fianc?e'll come in.

She'll help me wash my hands,
and then we'll take this water,

recycle it,
put it in a bucket out there

until it gets enough
to where we can flush the toilet.

What about showering?

Usually we have to go into town
to one of my friend's house,

and if I can't go to my friend's house,
you'll see some guys that,

there's ads even on Craigslist
to be able to take a shower,

five bucks to take a shower,
that kind of stuff.

That's what kind of place
it is around here.

Using Craigslist to take a shower.
That is legitimately horrifying.

How do you even write an ad for
that without it sounding suspicious?

"Seeking shower for $5:
34-year-old adult non-creep

looking for fellow non-creepy adult
to allow me to use their shower.

This is not a euphemism.

There's a water shortage
and I genuinely want to get washed.

Again, not a euphemism.
This isn't sexual in any way!

I will happily pay 5 American dollars
for the shower.

You can't watch, you can't tape it,
you can't be weird.

I'm just going to come into your house,
hand you a $5 bill, get in the shower,

wash my hair and body as quickly
as possible, and then leave,

all while making the least amount
of eye contact possible.

We won't talk
or have any conversation.

Ideally, you will forget
this whole thing ever happened.

Actually, I don't like
the way any of this is sounding,

so I'm just going
to stay dirty forever.

Please do not contact me
with unsolicited services or offers".

Perhaps the most important thing
to know about groundwater

is that it's not totally independent
of surface water at all.

These are often part
of one intertwined hydrological system,

so when you pump groundwater,
it can ultimately dry up rivers.

The connection between groundwater
and surface water

is one of those alarming connections
that we just choose to forget,

like the one between Elisabeth Moss
and Scientology.

It's so much easier
just not to really think about it.

So, for decades now, we've been using
more water than the Colorado River has,

even as we have rapidly depleted
critical groundwater supplies.

And when it comes
to responding to this crisis,

places have gone
in very different directions.

One of the best actors,
and you are not going to believe this,

is actually Las Vegas.

Which I know automatically feels weird,
because when you think of Vegas,

you probably think of it as a place
that uses water for things like this.

How you doin'?

So, what are we looking at?

There's just a lovely waterfall,
and the trickling fountains.

Appreciate the uniqueness of it.

So, no one told you
life was gonna to be this way.

I mean, honestly,
I feel bad for that fountain.

No drop of water
ever dreamed of one day

being forced to dance to the "Friends"
theme for some drunk Vegas tourists.

No one told them
life was gonna be this way.

But the thing is,
despite looking extremely wasteful,

the Bellagio's fountain
actually isn't.

It uses water that's too salty to drink
and annually only uses as much water

as would irrigate
just eight acres of alfalfa.

That is one tiny way

that the people of Vegas
have learned to conserve water.

They've also banned new lawns
and ornamental grass there,

which should save
about 10 billion gallons a year.

And overall, even though the population
of the Vegas metro area

grew by 34%
between 2002 and 2013,

its use of Colorado River water
actually dropped by over a quarter.

Vegas could actually be something
of a model for other places

when it comes to water conservation
and literally nothing else.

But unfortunately, not everywhere
is taking it that seriously,

with the worst example being Utah.

Home of both the Utah Jazz
and their mascot, Jazz Bear,

who answers the question,
"What if Wile E. Coyote

was a jock who also wanted
to murder me in my sleep?"

Crush me, king!

Utah's residents use the most water
of any western state.

And nowhere
is this more true than St. George,

which has become one of the fastest
growing metro areas in the country,

with per-person water consumption
among the highest.

Not only does St. George
have very cheap water rates,

their county, which is in the desert,

has at least a dozen golf courses,
including these.

And golf courses
use a shit-ton of water.

They are pretty much
the dumbest possible thing

to put into the middle of the desert,
other than, of course, Burning Man.

While Utah has recently passed some
new laws encouraging conservation,

they've also been pursuing
a billion-dollar pipeline

to bring in what some in Utah

insist is additional "surplus" water
from Lake Powell,

a surplus that anyone
who so much as looks at that lake

would know
simply does not exist.

And I know that that seems
wildly irresponsible on Utah's part.

And that is because it is.

Though, to be fair, it is still
not the worst idea they've had.

Because watch this video
from the governor of Utah

in response to drought conditions
there just last year.

We need more rain, and we need it now.
We need some divine intervention.

I'm asking Utahns of all faiths
to join me in a weekend of prayer,

June 4th through the 6th.

By praying collaboratively
and collectively, asking God

or whatever higher power
you believe in for more rain,

we may be able to escape the deadliest
aspects of the continuing drought.

You know Utah is desperate when
they ask all faiths to join in a prayer.

"I'm asking Utahns of all faiths,

whether that's the Mormon
one or one of the many wrong ones,

to pray to the Christian god and the
false deities the rest of you worship

for more rain,
so that we can solve this crisis

before those of you who have not
accepted Jesus Christ into your heart

burn in the fires of eternal Hell".

What can we do about all of this?

We can start by acknowledging
some uncomfortable truths.

States like Utah are not going to be
able to use the full amount of water

that they think they're entitled to,

primarily because that full amount
never existed in the first place.

But it is not just Utah,

no state can continue using water
the way they've gotten used to.

Experts say it might help not to use
the word "drought" at all anymore,

which sounds temporary, and instead,
use the term "aridification"

as a better way to describe

what might be a long-term drying
of the American West.

So, we need to be incentivizing
conservation and water efficiency,

especially when it comes
to agriculture,

and stop with our magical thinking
toward water,

which has been a depressingly common
throughout history.

During a drought in the '90s,
city officials in Ventura, California

decided to study the possibility
of hauling icebergs from the polar caps

and planting them
off the county's shores.

One proponent even suggested,

"We'd have to wrap the iceberg
with a diaper"

to collect the melting iceberg water.

More recently,

Arizona passed a resolution
to study building a pipeline

from the Mississippi River
to the Colorado River.

And if you've ever seen
a map of the United States,

you may have noticed that Mississippi
is all the way over here,

and Arizona is all the way over here.

So, to do that, you'd need a pipeline
that's over a thousand miles long.

And the only way that idea
could get any dumber

is if the pipeline
was also somehow wrapped in a diaper.

Don't worry, everyone!
Chase is on the case!

The fact is states
need to start working together

to cut back
on their collective water use.

And some have tried small steps.

In Arizona, home, remember,
to our close-up alfalfa farmer,

they recently changed
their "use it or lose it" rules

to allow for more conservation.

And in California, in 2014,

they passed the Sustainable
Groundwater Management Act,

to try and bring groundwater
pumping under control.

But it is just not enough.

And that may well be why something
very big happened just a week ago.

The government dropped a bombshell
on the Colorado River states,

telling them: "They have 60 days
to create an emergency plan

to stop using between 2 and 4 million
acre-feet of water in the next year",

which is a massive amount,

"or the agency will use its emergency
authority to make the cuts itself".

That is a drastic move,
but we are in a drastic situation.

So, let's hope those states

get to work in the next two months
and come up with a decent plan.

We desperately need to prepare
for a drier future in the American West,

and do it more equitably this time.

Because it is imperative
that we learn from our past mistakes.

And for anyone who still thinks

that this is something
we can just pray our way out of,

I have a special message
from a very special guest.

Hi. It's me, God.

I know I don't often do this,

but I just wanted to appear in person
to make one thing perfectly clear:

you can't pray your way
out of a drought.

Frankly, I'm insulted
you even asked me.

You got yourself in this fucking mess,
get yourself the fuck out of it.

I gave you plenty of water.
It's not my fault you wasted it

building surfing lagoons and golf
courses in the middle of a desert.

Utah?

Your capital is Salt Lake City.

It's next to a salt lake.

A lake of salt?

Take the fucking hint.

So, no, I will not be answering
your prayer for rain.

For the record, I've only ever,
ever answered one prayer.

Little Timmy Pendleton wanted
a Hess truck for his birthday in 1986,

and I made sure he got one.

The kid just really seemed
to want that truck.

Maybe I felt bad about killing
both his parents with that tornado.

I don't know.

There's so many things
I'd rather talk about to you

than your stupid,
stupid water usage.

Like the meaning of life, or which
animal I created by mistake.

Guinea pigs, by the way.

I want humans of all faiths

to come together

and act like rational fucking adults
when it comes to water use.

Heed my words, my children,
and conserve the once-bountiful gifts

of rivers and lakes
which I created for you on Earth.

Now?

Fuck off!

That's our show. We're off
for the next few weeks, back July 24th.

See you then. Good night!

I told you to fuck off.

Fuck off!