Watch the Birdie (1950) - full transcript

Hiya, folks, this is me.

And me.

And me!

I'll tell you what these names mean
so you can eat your popcorn in peace.

These two girls fought over me.

Arlene Dahl wanted me to marry Ann Miller,
and Ann Miller wanted me to marry Arlene Dahl.

This is the title.
Please tell your friends.

We'd like to make a little money
with this picture.

These are the villains.
They get paid for being bad.

Me, I'm different.
I'm good for nothing.

We had 4 writers



on this picture.

3 of them could write,

and the other one
was my wife's brother.

These are the men
who control everything:

The sound, the photography, the
costume, the scenery, the makeup.

They tell you what to do,
and you do it.

They are the bosses. In movies,
they call them technicians.

In the army, they're called sergeants.

The producer raved about my acting.

In fact, they took him away yesterday.

A director has to have 3 things:

Imagination, showmanship, and another
job in case the picture's no good.

Well, welcome to Cammeron & Son
& Son's Photographic Studios.

What can I do for you?



I'd like to buy
a camera for $22.50.

Well, we have a $20 camera, and
the price next to that is $25.

I'd like one
for $22.50.

Oh. Well, I'll tell you what.
We're having a sale today,

so I'll give you
the $25 camera for $22.50.

Next I'd like 5 rolls of
film at 95 cents a roll.

5 rolls of film.

Well, they come in a package of 6.

Can you use the extra one?

No, thanks. Just give me 5 rolls
of film at 95 cents a roll.

Oh, well, you seem
like a nice little boy.

I'll tell you what. I'll give
you all 6 for the price of 5.

Fine. Next I'd like
a camera case at $3.00.

Save your money. You
don't need a camera case.

I'd like a $3.00
camera case.

Yeah.

Here's one I'll let
you have for $3.00.

Thank you. How much
does that all come to?

Well, let's find out.

Here we are.
Camera, $22.50.

Film, 95...

$3.00.

That comes to $30.25.

Are you sure?

Well, this machine's
never been wrong yet.

Thank you very much,
mister. Good-bye.

Wait a minute. Don't you
want to take your stuff?

No. I just wanted to make
sure I had the total right.

That was my arithmetic
lesson for tomorrow.

Oh.

What can I do for you?

Ohh!

Oh, welcome to Cammeron & Son
& Son's Photographic Studio.

What can I do for you?

My name's Whittle. I'm from
the Eagle Collection Agency.

Oh, well, there must be some
mistake. I don't collect eagles.

My agency's been retained
by your creditors

to collect the sum of $1,197.

Here's a list of what you owe.

Oh, well, I'll have to speak
to my father about this.

How could we owe all of that money?

I'm only doing my duty,
but if you can't pay this,

I'm afraid we'll have
to close up your store.

Look, mister, all of my savings,
all of my father's savings

went into opening this store.

Now, we're liable to take in
the $1,197 on this sale alone.

Couldn't you give us a
little more time? Please.

Well, let's say day after tomorrow.

But I can't give you one
minute more. Now, that's final.

Thanks.

Good day.

Bye.

Oh, no!

Say, fellas, would you
mind coming back tomorrow?

I'm having a sale today.

Why don't you write a
letter to the newspapers?

Wait a minute! You just
fixed this street last week.

Well, you can't expect
things to last forever.

No.

Come on.

Hey, wait a minute!

Well, look...

Hey, get this stuff out of here!

Hey!

Help! Hey!

Yes, sir?
What can I do for you?

I left my light meter
here to be fixed.

Name's Tierson.

Tierson. Yes, sir.

That will be $5.00 even.

Say, we're having a sale today. Give you
a nice trade-in on a new light meter.

Are you kidding? Brother, this is the
sweetest little light meter in the business.

Only last week in the rain I
grabbed a shot of a 5-star general.

Easiest $100 I ever made in my life.

$100 just for a little piece of film?

Sure. I'm a freelance
newsreel cameraman.

They'll pay heavy for any hot footage.

They will?

Well, I've sold them so much stuff

that I'm going to take a
nice two weeks' vacation.

Hey, wait a minute. Are you
taking your cameras with you?

This is a vacation.

Oh, well, our firm
makes a special offer

of air-conditioned
storage space for cameras.

It's moth-proof, rust-proof,
and burglar-proof.

No, I don't think I'd be interested.

It's only 35 cents a week. For new
customers, 35 cents for two weeks.

Hey, what's up?

It's admiral battlevitz.
He's coming out right now.

Oh, really?
Admiral?

Careful, lady. This camera
doesn't belong to me.

Will you call me a taxi, please?

I christen you destroyer!

Help! Help!

Help!

Help!

Woody!

Help!

My camera.
Where's my camera?

Oh, I'm sorry, but
I'm afraid we lost that.

Oh, no. You should have saved
the camera and let me drown.

That thing cost $1,200.

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's all my fault.

All my life I've been doing
things I couldn't afford,

but it's the first time I ever
got any pleasure out of it.

I'll send your clothes in.

I'll be back in a minute.

Oh, pardon me, ma'am.

How much camera
and photographic equipment

would a store have to sell
to make a $1,200 profit?

Oh, I don't know.
'Bout, I'd guess, oh, $2,400.

Now, don't tell me we're going
into the camera business.

No, but I want $2,400
worth of equipment

purchased from Cammeron
& Sons anonymously.

Lucia!

Yes?

All right, it's your money.

I wonder if I broke those.

Better test them.

That's a good one.

That's a good one.

Aha! I knew I broke one.

Oh, pardon me. Welcome to Cammeron
& Son & Son's Photographic...

Pardon me. I fell in the water
yesterday and caught a little cold.

What can I do for you?

I want a camera.
Anything costing $150.

$150! Right this way.

Well, now, let's see. Here's a nice
little camera for exactly $150.

Course, I got another one for $49.

It takes much better pictures.

I'll take the $150 one.

Oh, I'll put it in a
nice little box for you.

Gee, that makes over $2,000 today.

Pop! Hey, dad, will you come
out here? I want to talk to you!

I was in here trying to retouch
one of our customer's snapshots.

I think it's a little overdeveloped.

Poor girl.
Little too fond of food.

Too bad she didn't hear
your grandfather's poem.

Which one?

Oh, the one where grandpa says, um,

put that fork down,
sister, this is for sure,

you can't have mashed
potatoes and l'amour toujours.

What's up?

We did $2,200 worth of business today.

Last thursday
we took in $4.12,

and this thursday we take in $2,200.

That's an increase of 60,000%!

Well, I told you business
would gradually pick up.

At that rate, next thursday
we'll take in $1,000,440,

and then the following thursday,
we're going to take in $86 million.

Holy smoke!

Your grandfather would be pleased.

You know what he says about money.

Only two things in life
are important, brother:

The first is money, and I
don't remember the other.

Hello, Mr. Cammeron.

Gee, it's good to see you.

When I'm not all wet. I mean, when
you're drier than when I'm wetter.

Say, I'd like for you to meet my pop.

Oh, I'd love to.

You would?

Yes.

Pop, this is miss Lucia Corlane.

How do you do?

I want to thank you
for saving my boy's life.

Oh, it wasn't that serious.
Besides, I felt responsible.

Rusty tried to tell me
how lovely you were,

but unfortunately he's not a poet.

Thank you, Mr. Cammeron.
You're very sweet.

You must visit our store more often.

I never realized how attractive it
was until I saw you standing there.

Good-bye for now, miss Corlane.

Good-bye.

Your father's a darling.

I'm his only son.

You look so wonderful
it's silly to ask,

but how are you?

I'm very well.
I'm also a customer.

Oh, well, I'm rather disappointed.

You mean, you don't
want to sell anything?

Well, no. When I look at you,
I don't think of business.

That is, well, if I had a store,
I would give you anything and...

Well, I do have
a store. Here.

Take that as a souvenir. I was
going to throw it away anyhow.

Thank you, but I couldn't.

I would like to buy
a gift for a friend.

Say, something around $200.

Well, this camera with the
carrying case and some film

will run around $200.

Fine. I'll take them.

Pardon me.

What are you taking for that cold?

Make me an offer. I mean,
nothing. It's nothing at all.

It's slight.

Well, as soon as you've
finished wrapping this,

I'm taking you right
down to my doctor.

Well, I'd rather not.
You see, he might cure me,

and then I'd never see you again.

Why don't we go to my
doctor? He's not too good.

Bundle up, and I'll
drive you right down.

I'll wrap this for you.

Uh, you're going to wait
for me, aren't you?

I told you I have to
get back to the office.

Oh, well, supposing I have
an attack on the way home?

You just thought of that, didn't you?

Mm-hmm.

I'll do everything I'm told.

Fine.

Bye.

Bye.

"Not responsible for valuables
left in dressing rooms."

Gee, thanks for the warning.

Hello!

Hi.

Bless you.

Thank you. Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Oh, pardon me.

I'm in an awful hurry.
Do you mind?

Oh, no, it's
all right. Go ahead.

You're on my coat down here.

Please... playboy.

Look what you did!

Well, I'm sorry. This was
my room to begin with.

Ahhh!

Ohh!

Don't you know how
to behave in public?

Look, this was my room.

You came in here. I didn't
ask you to... bbbblllll!

You're walking all over...

Sorry.

I'm...

I'm sorry.

If I wasn't in such a hurry, I'd...

Look, you go ahead. Finish
undressing. I'll wait.

Here let me help you.

Naturally, Mr. Farns,

the bank will want my report before
granting the completion loan.

I imagine that money's
rather important to you.

Important! Without that money,
we can't finish this project.

You know that as well as we do.

And a bad report from you

might force miss Corlane to sell out,

probably at a big sacrifice.

You do work for
miss Corlane, don't you?

Well, Mr. Shanway,

I guess I'm like every other
smart man in the world.

I really work for me.

Isn't that your boss now?

You finish looking around. I'll
see you later, buy you a drink.

A drink might be a good idea.

We have to drink a toast
to my favorite subject:

Money.

Hello, Lucia.

Oh, Mr. Farns, I've
been looking for you.

I want you to find a job
for a nice young fellow,

a friend of mine.

Lucia, I hope you don't
mean that young Cammeron.

Yes.

Things are bad enough around here.

Bad? In what way?

Well, that Shanway's going to be awful
tough about what goes into his report,

and unfortunately what his
report says, the bank acts on.

Well, we've got nothing
to hide or to worry about.

Lucia, on a project
like this, you can't...

Wait a minute!

Never mind about the
job for young Cammeron.

I know exactly what I'm going to do.

Pop, I can't figure it out.

Yesterday we take in $2,400,

and today we take in $1.90.

Well, looks like we won't need
that bigger store after all.

I was hoping that
with a million dollars...

Well, even someone like me wouldn't
be afraid to make up to a rich girl.

Oh, Mr. Cammeron.

Hmm? Ohh!

It's me again. Say, I hope
you've got that $1,197.

No hard feelings, but they made
me bring the sheriff with me.

He's out in the car.

Well, you can tell him
to stay in the car.

I got the money in the cash register.

Well, I'll say.

There you are. $1,197.

Well, you don't know how
pleased I am, Mr. Cammeron.

Now you've got nothing to
worry about. Well, good luck.

Good-bye.

And I got $1,204.97 left.

Hello, may I please speak
to miss Lucia Corlane?

Hi, Mr. Cammeron.

Here's your 35 cents.

Would you get my camera
out of storage, please?

Your camera?
Oh, well, Mr. Tierson.

Unfortunately, I lost your camera.

Will you take the one
pop has over there?

It's not a newsreel camera, but
it takes awfully good pictures.

Give me my camera or give me $1,200
in cash, or I call the police.

Ok, give him the $1,200, pop.

Hello?

No, I don't want to
speak to miss Corlane.

I guess I was trying to
call the wrong number.

Thank you, boys. I've been trying
to sell that camera for 6 months.

Ha ha ha!

Well, thank goodness
it wasn't a total loss.

We got 35 cents out of him.

Yeah.

I think I better go
deposit this in the bank.

Oh, son, if any more
customers come in,

don't wait on them, because we
can't afford to lose any more money.

No wonder you're the head
of a big construction company.

You're a walking example
of good construction.

Hello.

Gee, miss Corlane.

I'm glad you're in because we
have some business to discuss.

Business?

Of course. Aren't
you a photographer?

Photograph you, miss Corlane?

I have nothing else to
do the rest of my life.

That's very flattering, but what I
had in mind is a real-estate project,

Lucky Vista.

I know! Here.

If all bosses looked like you, labor and
management could really get together.

What I need is a pictorial record

of the construction as it progresses.

I just might want to prove that
everything is being done right.

You don't expect any trouble, do you?

I can't take any chances.

You see, my father started this
project just before he died.

It was his life's dream.

Well, I know you'll do it.

I have to for my own sake, too.

Every penny I inherited
is in Lucky Vista.

If anything happens to
it, the money dad left me,

my home, everything...

I'll lose it quicker than
you lost that $1,200 camera.

Well, don't you worry.
Nothing's going to happen.

Say, why don't we discuss
this business at lunch?

I'm an awful good cook.

All right. We'll call it
a businessman's lunch.

Right this way, miss Corlane.

Would you like to make the
coffee while I start the eggs?

Uh, yes, yes.

Where do you keep the coffee pot?

Right here.

Um, don't you have a cook or a
woman to take care of the place?

No. Sometimes I cook.
Sometimes father cooks.

When grandfather's here,
he makes a nice irish stew.

Oh, you men.

Well, now, let's see.

How do you like your eggs?

Sunny side up.

Boy, things get awful
cold in this freezer.

Now, Mr. Cammeron, I want you to
start taking pictures tomorrow

at the groundbreaking ceremony.

I'll be there, miss Corlane. And
I'll do a good job for you, too.

How about scrambled eggs?

Looks like we have no choice.

Can't scramble a hammer.

Will you settle for ham?

Nothing I like better than ham.

Ham it will be.

There will be plenty
to photograph tomorrow.

There will be a speech by the mayor,

miss Lucky Vista, turkey
raffle, just everything.

That will soften it up
for the frying pan.

Let's see, we'll need
cream for the coffee.

You know, what you need is
a woman around the house.

Maybe I can do something about that.

What did you say?

Oh, look!

Guess we'll have to have
our coffee black.

Cream we've got, cream you'll get.

What will you have, one or two slices?

I'll take two slices.

Ok.

Thank you.

I'll only take one.
I'm on a diet.

I'll keep my eyes open. Maybe
I can find a nice girl for you.

Oh. I'll get the bread,
and you dig up some butter.

Yeah. Dig is right.

Ooh!

My goodness.

There's your butter.

Hey, pop! Hold it!

Stay right here, pop. I'm going over
to talk to miss Corlane a minute.

Oh, well, give her my regards.

Ok, pop.

Miss Corlane.
Hiya, boss.

Gee, it's all so big and so wonderful,

I hardly know what to do first.

Well, do what you want to do, rusty.

Oh?

I think you better start by
photographing the mayor's speech.

Now, here's an example.

Supposing the bank thought
that some of the lumber we used

was green and unseasoned.

Just for the sake of
argument, making no promises,

put that into words.

Well, you can get yourself $10,000 cash
by having your report show green lumber,

bad concrete, anything that will delay
the bank from making the final loan.

10,000?

10 and 10 more when miss Corlane loses
this place to some friends of mine.

I can't say you didn't
put it into words.

I'll put it into money
any time you say.

No time like this afternoon.

Pop, drive over to the platform.

Hey, pop, did you turn on the camera?

No, I didn't, son.

I guess I must have turned it on.

Ok.

It always gives me great pleasure to
officiate at a meeting of this kind.

It is really wonderful to look
around and see so many fair faces.

Right here, pop!

It's...

Pop, pull forward!

As the first item on the program,

it is my privilege
to present the winner

of the hale beauty contest,
miss Lucky Vista herself!

Having been chosen the most beautiful
girl in the city by over 5,000 folk,

I wish to thank everybody,
including my mother and father.

Oh, yes.

And I hereby officially present this
silver shovel to Mrs. Hugh Shanway,

the beautiful wife
of our bank inspector.

Oh, and thank you again
for your votes.

You can find me every evening at the
rosewood dance hall, where I'm hostess.

Wow!

Hiya, sailor.

It is my privilege to turn the first spadeful
of earth of the second unit of Lucky Vista.

Lucia, why don't you sell
out so I can get some sleep?

You better start taking
sleeping tablets

because I'm going to
finish this project myself.

In honored memory of that
estimable, that foresighted,

that public-spirited industrialist,

the late, lamented
Cornelius Schuyler Corlane,

whose lifelong dream was
the completion of this project.

I hereby dedicate
this ceremonial moment

to Mr. Corlane's daughter,
who will carry on the work.

Miss Lucia Corlane!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

They told me that a girl
couldn't carry on this project.

That's all I needed to hear.

We're having
a big turkey raffle at 4:00.

I hope you will all participate.

Turkeys are courtesy of
the lenard-vulty turkey ranch.

Oh, and here they come now!

Rusty, I promised the turkey people
we'd take pictures of their truck.

Will you take
miss Lucky Vista with you?

Right on the job, miss Corlane.

Hey, miss Lucky Vista, get in the car.

Hey, pop, follow that turkey truck!

Hey, pop, back up!

Hey, miss Lucky Vista,

get over there with the turkeys,
and I'll take your picture.

Pop, move forward.

Hey, pop! Come back!

Hey, pop!

What is it, son?

Quarter after 7:00.
Is that film ready?

I just finished fixing it.

There you are, my boy.

Is it any good?

I fixed it myself.

Were you careful with that soundtrack?

Now, don't worry, son.
I told you, I fixed it.

Well, wish me luck, pop.
I see her in 10 minutes.

Oh?

You going to her house?

Yes, sir.

You going empty-handed?

Why, yes, sir.

What's the matter?

Well, remember grandfather's poem?

Which one?

He who calls without
a present may get in,

but it won't be pleasant.

Well, uh, what do you
think I ought to take?

Many a man has parlayed a box of
chocolates into a wife and 4 children.

Is this miss Corlane's house?

Yes, sir.

Well, I'm Mr. Cammeron.
She's expecting me.

Please come in.

Oh, uh, I won't need a check, will I?

Good evening, rusty.

Oh, good evening.

Say, it was nice of Mr. Farns
to arrange to show the picture.

You seem nervous.

Well, I'm in a lot of trouble.

What kind of trouble?

Well, when a fellow
calls on his girl...

That is, a girl...
For the first time,

well, he knows 8:00 is the
right time to get there.

Well, here's his trouble. Should
the guy show up exactly at 8:00

to prove to the girl that
he's reliable and steady,

or should he show up
maybe at 8:30

and show her that he's
carefree and nonchalant?

What time is it now?

Half past 7:00.

Shall we go in?

This is
Mr. Cammeron.

Good evening, everybody.

Good evening.

Mr. Farns, who do I
give the film to?

To the operator.

Oh. Excuse me.

Say, how'd my pictures turn out?

You'll see for yourself in a minute.

Oh, good!

Here's the film.

Ok, thanks.

Oh, miss Corlane...

Oh, pardon me.

Miss Corlane, I happen to
have a box of candy for you.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh!
Oh!

Is he all right?

Are you hurt?

No. I'm ok.

That's a silly place to put furniture.

I'm sorry.

Now, if you'll all sit down,

we'll get started right away.

Mr. Shanway, you and
your wife sit up front.

All right, go ahead.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

they told me...

Pretty good, huh?

Yes.

Hey, buddy, it's backwards.

You're running it backwards.

I am not!

That's the way you must
have put it together.

Well, I didn't.
You've got...

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's much better.

I don't remember doing that.

Hey, stop the film.
It's all mixed up.

Oh, let it go. I
think it's very funny.

You do? Well,
it's not supposed to be.

Well, that's the way
it's supposed to be.

I'm sorry.
It didn't...

It is my privilege to turn
the first spadeful of earth

of the second unit of Lucky Vista.

That's my speech!

That horrible turkey
is making my speech!

Well, Mrs. Shanway,
it's not the film's fault.

It's... it's
that projector.

Nothing wrong with my projector.

There must be. We didn't
shoot anything like...

In honored memory of that
estimable, that foresighted,

that public-spirited industrialist,

the late lamented Cornelius...

Oh!

That's the most humiliating
thing I've ever seen.

You stop this picture at once!

Me? I didn't have
anything to do with it!

Wait a minute, folks. I
think I know what happened.

That's me!

Oh! That's me!

Oh, Mr. Cammeron, it's
a beautiful picture!

But you can't see my eyes.

Now, there's an example.

Mr. Farns, we were
being photographed.

Yes, and it's a good thing

they can't hear what we were saying.

I was telling you that story
about the 3 sailors, remember?

Oh, yeah, the 3 sailors.

Hey, I know what's the matter.

The soundtrack's in backwards.

I can fix that.

Well, I...

Oh! There I am again!

But you still can't see my eyes.

Oh, why, Mr. Shanway,

I had no idea you were so strong.

I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't

the prettiest girl I ever saw.

You shouldn't say that.
You're a married man.

Let's forget about the old battle-ax.

Oh! Oh!

Please turn it off.

Hugh Shanway!
You worm! You viper!

But, honey, it...

Old battle-ax, huh? You
know very well I'm only 29.

Honey, use some sense.

That film's all mixed up.

You know you didn't talk like
a turkey to those people.

You didn't talk like a married
man to that skin tomato.

Oh, honey, that dialogue
was from another scene.

And as for you. Trying to steal
my husband!

I ought to have you arrested for
petty larceny.

Well, but...

I don't know why
she's so jealous of me.

I'm not jealous of her.

Well, young fella, you fixed
everything and everybody good.

I'm afraid our young friend
bit off more than he can chew.

Uh, excuse me.

There's nothing wrong with that film.

It just got all gummed up.

I'll tell you what I'll do for you.

Give me the film. I'll
get it straightened out.

There you are, rusty. What
could be fairer than that?

Well, I'd like to do it
myself, if you don't mind.

Why don't you give it to them, rusty?

Sure, rusty. We're all on your side.

By tomorrow, you won't know that film.

Miss Corlane, you're the boss.

If you tell me to give
the film to Mr. Farns,

I will, but...

Well, I'd like to prove that
I can do one thing right.

Please.

All right, rusty.

You take care of it and call
me when you've got it fixed.

Thanks, miss Corlane.

I'll prove that I know what I'm doing.

Now, you understand, don't you?

Don't worry about me.
I just act dumb

'cause I found out most
men don't like smart girls.

Swell. Well, you get
the film from Cammeron,

bring it to me, and you get
a beautiful diamond bracelet.

Well, there's nothing wrong with
your eyes in that shot, lady.

Oh, I knew that would be good.

Say, where's that shot
where miss Lucky Vista was...

There it is.

Getting those gripping pains again.

Here!

Get out of here!

Poor little me.

Always interrupting some busy man.

Look, what are you doing here?

I came to get some
publicity pictures taken.

Well, we're closed for the night.

Look, you're a nice girl,

but please take your
business somewhere else.

You make me nervous.

Come on. Outside.

Come on. Go home.

Here.
Get out of here!

Take your little camera
and I'm yours to command.

Now, look, you can't stay here.

Why not?

Well, because you're
young and I'm young,

and youth calls to youth and...

Well, I'm afraid to listen.

Call me ducky, lover-poo.

Ok, ducky, waddle out of here.

I mean, you can't stay.
It's not nice.

It'll get nicer...
Lover-poo.

Huh?

I saw the way you looked
at me this afternoon.

The invitation in your eyes.

The way you winked at me.

I winked?

Well, that's a big...

I did not.

You mustn't resist me, lover-poo.

Aw, you can't resist me.

Well, I got to resist you.

You need a woman...
A woman like me...

Warm, tender,
affectionate... weak,

a woman to adore you...

To take care of you...

Wait a minute!

I'm wise to your little game.

I know what you're up to,
and I know who sent you.

You do?

Yeah. She threatened
to do this.

Well, you get this straight.

Nobody's going to
pick out a wife for me.

Aw, of course not, lover-poo.

Imagine her saying I need a
woman like you for my wife.

I know what I need.

And it's not a scalp treatment.

Put your arms around me.

Will you do something for me first?

Anything.

Get off my foot.

And I ain't gonna marry you.

Now, get out.

Darling...

Don't be mean to me.

I need you, and you need me.

I need you like I need
a hole in the head.

Kiss me.

Kiss me!

What's wrong with a hole in the head?

Excuse me.

We're closed.

Oh, miss Corlane!

The door was open so I came in.

Oh, you're not interrupting anything

because I'm not going
to marry this girl.

That's between you
and your conscience.

The only reason I came here
is because I thought

the film wasn't your fault.

It wasn't my fault.
Honestly. I can prove it.

I'm no longer interested.

Well, wait...

I won't let you go.

You're going to stay until
I prove I'm not a screwball.

I won't let you go.

Drop in and see us anytime.

Thank you, I will.

I can't understand it.

I'm so beautiful, and
everybody's always slugging me.

Grandpa!

What was that scream?

Ecstasy, my boy, sheer ecstasy.

Warmed myself, and why shouldn't I?

Let the ladies beware,
let the music begin,

there's many a good tune
in an old violin.

How are you, son?

I'm glad you're here, father.

Rusty's got a problem.

Oh? Well, speak freely, my boy.

You're amongst a friend.

Uh, not too freely.

He's at the age where
he picks things up.

Well, it's a terrible
problem, grandpa,

and she's such a wonderful girl.

Oh, a dame, huh?
You got no problem.

So you got a girl, huh?

Well... junior, you better
get back to bed.

There's gonna be a lot of boy
talk floating around here.

Now, you take it easy, pop.

I've met miss Corlane,

and she's a very sweet girl.

All girls are sweet.

Now, uh, get lost. Go cheat
yourself at solitaire.

Can't I stay up?

You heard me!

My goodness, grandpa. What
happened to you? You've changed.

I had to. For years
I sat around

in a rocking chair and carpet slippers

while the rest of the
world went on without me.

You look younger than pop.

Sure I do now.

I've gone modern, up-to-date,

turned over a new page, rusty,

and it's mighty nice reading.

I never would have believed it.

Well, never mind about me.

Tell me about your troubles,

you poor, foolish-looking,

broken-hearted creature.

Well, grandpa, it's terrible.

Everything's gone wrong
since our first meeting.

She saved my life
instead of me saving hers.

She practically supports our business.

Now, how can I ever hope to get
anywhere with a girl like that?

Now, you listen
carefully to me, rusty.

I'm going to tell you about
the new facts of life.

For thousands of years,

women have been delicate,
sheltered creatures,

covered from stem to stern.

That's right.

Then came the new era.

And the french bathing suit,

the average woman has to put
something on to take a bath.

Things certainly have changed.

Yes, sir, they certainly have.

Why, a fella used to see his girl

in the moonlight looking at roses.

Now when you see a girl
in the moonlight,

she's playing first base
for a softball team.

I don't follow you.

My boy, you're really in trouble.

Let me ask you something.

Who rents these Clark Gable
and Robert Taylor films?

Mostly women.

Aah! Magnetism,
my boy. Magnetism!

The female woman is magnetically
drawn to the male man.

Do you get it?

Grandpa, I can't tell a
lie. I'm all mixed up.

My boy, this calls for a
practical demonstration.

Where's the projector?

Why?

I'm going to teach you how to project.

He never had a dog when he was a boy.

Hey, grandpa...

Shhh!

Pay attention.

I don't worry about what
I missed when I was a kid.

I'm getting all those things now.

Hold onto your hat, rusty, here we go!

Darling, where do we get off?

What's to become of us?

Oh, now, don't turn ordinary on me.

I get tired of ordinary dames.

And I don't ever
want to get tired of you.

I didn't mean to turn
ordinary on you, Johnny.

It was just an approach to
get you to say you loved me.

He's lighting the fuse right now.

Listen, anytime you start
doubting I love you,

just tote up the score.

This town's full of women, and I have
to pick the most dangerous one in town,

the one woman most likely
to upset my apple cart.

No, this time it might not
be the woman who pays.

I might wind up back in a cell.

Johnny.

Rusty, we're now coming
to your special problem.

You got to beat it.
Will you beat it?

No, Johnny! I'm staying here with you

because I know you're lying to me!

This time I know because
you can't look at m...

I couldn't do that.

That's enough of that one.

Take it off. Put on
that Clark Gable film.

Boom town.

Pay particular attention
when he lowers the boom.

Well, thank you.
It's been awfully nice.

I'll see you some more, won't I?

No, I'm afraid not.

I just realized I have to
take the bus in the morning.

Now, wait a minute.
Is there another guy?

Yes.

You love him, huh?

No, not th...

Not that way, but...

Then what are you leaving for?

Because...

Good-bye.

- Hey, grandpa.
- She left him!

She ain't coming back.

He ain't told her to yet.

Come down here.

Well, how about that?

He made up his mind she was
coming back, and she did.

I make up my mind quick.

I made it up when
I first saw you, I guess.

You aren't ever going to leave.

You watch the picture 50
times, she always does that.

You're not getting away from me.

You know that, don't you?

What?

I'm not blaming you, baby.

But you aren't walking out with him

or anybody else.
Understand?

You're my girl, see,
and you always will be.

Even if I have to
lick you to prove it.

Why, he'll never get away with that.

Get away with it? She'll
invite him to slap her.

I'm your girl.

You can lick me if it'll help.

I'll save it for when you need it.

Grandpa, I couldn't bring
myself to slap a woman.

In your case, it's a necessity.

Well, supposing they don't go for it?

You've got to assert
your masculine dominance.

If she takes it, that's love.

Well, what if she slaps back?

That, my boy, is marriage.

Yoo-hoo!

I'm not late, am I, honey?

I ran all the way.

That's all right, sugar loaf.

You were a half-hour early
the last time.

Oh, you're so good to me.

Yes.

Don't rush me, don't rush me.

Uh, shall we?

Oh, uh, junior,

don't wait up on me.

You're my girl
and always will be, see?

Even if I have to
slug you to prove it.

Hey.

Rusty, what are you doing here?

I came here to tell you something.

What's the matter with you?

Now, look, baby, you're my girl, see?

And you always will be, even if
I got to lick you to prove it.

Rusty, please!

Well, go ahead,
lick me if it will help.

Oh, that's your line.

Wait a minute.
Do you feel all right?

Aw, don't turn ordinary on me.

I'm tired of ordinary dames.

Rusty, will you stop?!

All the women in this town

now, look, baby...

Please!

Oh, no!

Hey, what happened?

You fell overboard again.

Well, don't tell me she did it again?

Yeah.

Getting so a guy can't fall overboard

that she doesn't dive in
and save his life.

Where is she?

She told me to tell you that
she's gone to South America.

South America?

Yeah.

Boy, what a swimmer.

It's not here.

What about you?

No. Not a trace of it.

A fine thief you are.

You brought all the wrong film.

Look, I copped every foot
of film in that store.

This wasn't my first
job, you know, pal.

All right, get out.

What do we do now?

Well, I'm not gonna
spend 10 years in jail.

What are you gonna do?

We're going to find Cammeron.

If the film wasn't in the
store, he must have it on him.

Yeah, but how are you gonna get it?

Any way we can,
but we are gonna get it.

Hello. Is that you,
miss Corlane?

I've got to show you
this film right away.

I've got it all straightened out,

and I can prove that your
manager Mr. Farns is a crook.

Oh, thank you. I'll be over
as fast as I can make it.

Morning.

Where's miss Corlane's office?

Last building on your right.

Thank you.

Come in.

What's that you say about
Farns being a crook?

I can prove it.
Come here.

What you said on the phone
is very interesting

because I was beginning
to get suspicious.

He was talking
very strangely last night.

Well, the proof's right here.

Right here on this film.

Wait till you see it.

You can get yourself $10,000 cash

by having your reports show
green lumber or bad concrete...

Anything that will make the bank
delay its making the final loan.

10,000?

10, and 10 more

when miss Corlane loses this
place to some friends of mine.

There. That's why Farns
wants the film.

Just wait until I take this
to the district attorney.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Oh...

Hello, Mr. Farns.

It was nice of you to drop in.

Now, uh, miss Corlane,
about this projector,

it's considered one of
the best on the market,

and sells for $208
and has a built-in...

Oh, that reminds me, rusty.

Where's that piece of film where I
tell the story about the two sailors?

Oh, that's back at the store.

I'd like to see that, too.

Oh, anytime. How about tomorrow?

You'll both have a chance
to see it at the trial.

Oh, now, that makes
everything very clear.

Yes, it does.

Shanway, suppose you take
miss Corlane upstairs

and keep her there until I
get back from rusty's store.

Well, when that film goes up in smoke,

it'll be just your word against ours.

Well...

Go ahead.

Thank you.

Go ahead.

Yes, sir.

My car is right outside.

You'll drive.

Hey!

What... hey!

You feel better after your bath?

Yeah.

Now, come on.
We're wasting time.

No smart tricks. There's
still a bullet left.

All right, stick 'em up.

Don't move.
Don't come near me.

Oh, rusty!

Sorry I've only got one bullet.

If I had two, I could shoot you twice.

And I'd do it, too.
I'm a crack shot.

Watch.

Oh, that was my last bullet!

Oh!

Hurry!
Get on the phone!

Call the police!

Farns, where are you?

Here.

The phone!
Get the phone!

Rusty!
The phone is dead!

Oh, no.

Come here! Help me!

Hey, maybe we can get out the window.

We're only on the second floor.

Hey, there's a car out here.

There can't be.
This is the second floor.

Maybe it's a second-hand car.

Come on. Oh!

Come on.
We'll get them.

Which way is the
nearest police station?

That way.

They must have taken the lower road.

Can't this thing go any faster?

Look!

Oh, they're chasing us in your car.

Here. You drive.
I'll stop them.

They can run rings around
us on the straightaway.

Don't forget Farns has that gun.

Yeah, well, hold on tight.

I'm gonna make the next turn.

There must be a rear
entrance to this place.

Come on, hurry up!

Hurry up, they'll get away.

Look!

That should stop them.

That takes care
of Mr. Farns.

We've lost them.

Good. Now, which way
is the police station?

That way.

Rusty! There they are!

Ooh!

Hey!

Hey!

No.

Let's follow the river road.

Say, there's someone following us.

Well, that's a silly
way to go fishing.

Rusty, look!

Ah, just...

Hey, get away!
Get away!

Hey!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here, grab ahold of the steering wheel

while I get rid of that branch.

Ow!

Hey, come back here!

Come here!

Hurry up, rusty, we've got...

Lucia!

Get back here!

I'll shoot their tires.
That'll stop them.

Save your shots. We'll
catch them on the next turn.

Look, rusty!

Hmm?

Oh!

Look, I make up my mind in a hurry.

You're never gonna leave me.

We're gonna get married as soon
as we get out of this mess.

Do you understand?

Of course I do.
Anything you say, Clark.

I-I mean rusty.

Well, then slide over
here and give me a kiss.

Gee, grandpa and Clark Gable
would be mighty proud of me.

Oh!

Faster! Faster!

No. I'll go slower.

Are you crazy?

Stop, or I'll shoot.

You do, and we'll all be killed.

Hey, which way's the police station?

What did he say?

I didn't hear him,

but it must be up this way.

Hey, try getting up there.

Hey!

Hey, fellas!

Hey! Where's
the police station?

Go straight ahead to the next
stoplight and turn right.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Officers, don't let
these two men get away!

Ok, miss.

Oh, officer, I want
those two men arrested.

They're guilty, and we've
got the film to prove it.

Now wait a minute, young lady.

If I hadn't of straightened
out that soundtrack,

we'd never have known what happened.

What soundtrack are you talking about?