Wanda Sykes: I'ma Be Me (2009) - full transcript

Emmy(R)-winning actress/comic Wanda Sykes returns to HBO for her second full-length stand-up special. Taped at the Warner Theatre in Washington, D.C., this riotous performance features Wanda's hilarious takes on a variety of topics.

Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR MS. WANDA SYKES!

* I'MA BE ME

* YEAH

* I'MA BE ME

* YEAH

* I'MA BE ME

* YEAH

* OH YEAH

* I'MA BE ME

* YEAH



( audience cheering )

* THINKIN' 'BOUT
THE CHANGES IN MY LIFE... *

THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU SO MUCH, D.C.!

( audience cheering )

THANK YOU, D.C.
OH MY GOODNESS.

SO HAPPY TO BE HERE,

BE BACK IN D.C.

( audience cheering )

YOU KNOW, THE LAST TIME
I WAS HERE...

( audience laughing )

...I CAUSED
A LITTLE TROUBLE.

PRESIDENT LAUGHED,
AND HE GOT IN TROUBLE.

( audience laughing )

BUT THE PROBLEM IS,



THEY DON'T KNOW
THAT I WAS HOLDIN' BACK.

NOT TONIGHT, BABY!

NOT TONIGHT.
HUH-UH!

TONIGHT...

TONIGHT I'M GONNA
SAY SOME SHIT!

I'M GOING FOR
ONE OF THOSE BEER SUMMITS,

THAT'S WHAT I'M DOIN'.

Woman:
WE LOVE YOU!

I LOVE Y'ALL, TOO, BABY.
LOVE Y'ALL, TOO.

I TELL YOU,
IT'S SO GOOD--

JUST TO BE IN D.C.
AND THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT.

- COME ON!
- ( audience cheering )

WHAT?!

FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT,
BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU,

IT'S A LITTLE
BITTERSWEET.

IT IS.

FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT
AND THE COUNTRY IS BROKE.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

( audience laughing )

THAT'S FUCKED UP!

IT'S LIKE
EVERYBODY WENT,
"MM, WE BROKE.

LET'S GIVE
THAT BLACK GUY A SHOT.

HE CAN'T HURT ANYTHING.

WHAT--
HUH-UH!

PLUS, YOU KNOW,
BLACK PEOPLE,

THEY KNOW ABOUT
BEING BROKE.

MAYBE HE COULD USE
SOME OF HIS TRICKERY

AND GET US
OUT OF THIS FIX.

YOU KNOW,
MAYBE PUT THE COUNTRY
IN HIS COUSIN'S NAME

AND HIDE OUR SHIT.

( audience applauding )

WE ALL GET FREE CABLE.

MAYBE HE CAN
GET ANOTHER COUNTRY TO
MOVE IN AND SPLIT THE BILLS."

SHIT.

THAT'S MESSED UP, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I TELL YOU,

I DON'T CARE WHY WE HAVE
A FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT,

I'M JUST HAPPY
TO HAVE ONE.

I AM.

AND BOY, WE GOT
ONE COOL BLACK PRESIDENT,

DON'T WE?
DAMN, HE'S COOL!

I DON'T KNOW HOW THE MAN
KEEPS HIS COOL!

ALL THIS SHIT
THAT GETS THROWN AT HIM,

PEOPLE JUST FUCKING WITH HIM
ALL THE TIME,

THE BIRTHERS CALLING HIM
A RACIST,

COMPARING HIM
TO HITLER.

WHAT THE HELL?!

HOW DOES HE
STAY SO COOL?

IS HE STILL
SMOKING WEED?

WHAT!

"HEY, NAZI!"

"NO, THAT'S OKAY,
THAT'S OKAY,
THAT'S OKAY."

( laughs )

I LOVE IT.
EVERY TIME YOU SEE HIM
WALKING TO THAT HELICOPTER,

I LOVE SEEING HIM
TAKE THAT STROLL ACROSS
THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN, BOY.

IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL.
YOU JUST SEE HIM,

HE'S JUST WALKING
ACROSS THE LAWN.

HE DIDN'T DO THAT SHIT
DURING THE CAMPAIGN,
DID HE?

NAW, HE WAS STIFF
AS A MOTHERFUCKER
DURING THE CAMPAIGN.

IT'S LIKE HE WAS
COUNTING THAT SHIT OUT
IN HIS HEAD.

HE'S LIKE,
"OKAY, ONE, TWO,

WAVE, SMILE.

ONE, TWO,
WAVE, SMILE.

WHATEVER YOU DO,
DO NOT TOUCH YOUR PENIS,

DO NOT--

TOUCH YOUR DICK,
IT'S ALL OVER.

DO NOT TOUCH
YOUR DICK.

STOP LOOKING
AT MICHELLE'S ASS.
OH, GEEZ.

OKAY, REMEMBER--
YOU DON'T HAVE A DICK.

DON'T-- DON'T TOUCH
YOUR DICK."

FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT--
I'M SO HAPPY 'CAUSE NOW
I CAN RELAX A LITTLE BIT.

YOU KNOW,
I CAN LOOSEN UP.

DON'T HAVE TO BE
SO BLACK ALL THE TIME.

DON'T HAVE TO BE
SO DIGNIFIED, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE WE DID IT.

BLACK FOLKS,
WE ALWAYS GOTTA BE DIGNIFIED.

YEAH, 'CAUSE WE KNOW
IF WE FUCK UP,

WE JUST SET
EVERYBODY ELSE BACK
A COUPLE OF YEARS, RIGHT?

WELL, WE SHOULD HAVE KILLED
FLAVOR FLAVE LIKE 10 YEARS GO.

WE WOULD OF...

HE HAS BEEN
HOLDING US BACK.

BUT WE DID IT.

NOW I CAN RELAX
A LITTLE BIT.

I CAN DO SOME SHIT.

I CAN-- I CAN--
I CAN DANCE ON CAMERA.

I COULDN'T DANCE
ON CAMERA BEFORE.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,
MY MOTHER,

SHE WOULDN'T EVEN LET US
DANCE IN THE CAR.

YOU KNOW, WE SITTING
IN THE CAR, A GOOD SONG
WOULD COME ON THE RADIO,

WE--
( humming )

MY MOTHER WAS LIKE--
SHE WOULD STOP THE CAR.

"UH, DO YOU WANNA DANCE
OR DO YOU WANT A RIDE?

'CAUSE YOU AIN'T
DANCIN' IN MY CAR.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE
LOOKIN' AT YOU!"

I'M GOING, "HUH?"

"WHITE PEOPLE ARE
LOOKIN' AT YOU!"

I'M LIKE...

"OH DAMN!"

SHE WAS RIGHT.

WELL, I HAD
THAT SHIT IN MY HEAD--
COULDN'T DO THAT,

COULDN'T DANCE.
COULDN'T DANCE.

BUT NOW, SHIT,
I COULD DANCE.

WE GOT
A BLACK PRESIDENT.

NOT ONLY CAN I DANCE,
I CAN TAP DANCE!

YOU KNOW WHAT
DIGNIFIED BLACK PEOPLE HATE?

TAP DANCERS.

HATE THAT SHIT.

IT'S LIKE LOOK AT
THAT DANG BOJANGLES
JUST SETTING US BACK.

HOW WE GONNA GET AHEAD,
SHE UP THERE LOOKING LIKE
BOJANGLES?

NOW I COULD DANCE.

I COULD DO
SOME OTHER SHIT.

I CAN BUY
WHOLE WATERMELONS NOW.

I NO LONGER HAVE TO
GROW 'EM IN MY CLOSET

UNDER MY WEED LAMP.

BEFORE, I WOULD GO
IN THE GROCERY STORE

AND I WOULD LOOK AT
THE WHOLE WATERMELONS.

I WAS LIKE,
"DAMN, THEY LOOK GOOD!

BOY, I WOULD LIKE TO
GET A WHOLE WATERMELON.

I WOULD GET
ALL THESE WHITE PEOPLE
LOOKIN' AT ME.

"FUCK YOU, WHITIE!

I AIN'T BUYIN'
A WHOLE WATERMELON
FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT!

I'M GONNA GO OVER HERE
TO THE SALAD BAR.

TAKE MY DIGNIFIED ASS
TO THE SALAD BAR,

GET THE SLICED WATERMELON.

LET ME CAMOUFLAGE THIS SHIT
WITH SOME CANTALOUPE.

GOOD DAY, SIR."

NOW I GOT
A BLACK PRESIDENT.

YOU SHOULD SEE ME.
I'M WALKING OUT THE
GROCERY STORE

WITH THE WATERMELON
ON MY SHOULDER. "YEAH!

OBAMA, BITCH!"

SHIT.

I HOPE HE GETS
A SECOND TERM,

THEN I'M GOING TO POPEYES.

( audience laughing,
cheering )

YOU'LL SEE ME
IN THE POPEYES DRIVE-THROUGH

DANCIN'
AND EATING WATERMELON.

FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT, MAN,
THAT'S SOME CHANGES.

EVEN WHEN I DID THE
WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS'
ASSOCIATION DINNER,

WHEN I DID THAT,
THEY HAD TO MAKE
SOME CHANGES.

THEY HAD TO ADJUST.
YEAH.

HOUR BEFORE MY PERFORMANCE,
MY PUBLICIST COMES TO ME,

SHE GOES,
"WANDA, THEY, UH,

THEY WANT ME
TO GIVE YOU THIS NOTE."

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
WHAT IS IT?"

SHE SAID, "WELL,
THEY SAID, 'PLEASE
DON'T USE THE F-WORD

OR THE N-WORD."

AND I SAID,
"HMM...

I GOT A FEELING
THEY DIDN'T GIVE
THIS NOTE OUT LAST YEAR."

I MEAN,
I DIDN'T SEE IT LAST YEAR,

BUT DID RICH LITTLE
GO OUT THERE AND SAY,

"FUCK YOU, NIGGA"
TO GEORGE BUSH?

'CAUSE...

I MEAN, HE WAS
AN AWFUL PRESIDENT,

BUT "FUCK YOU, NIGGA"
IS TOO OVER THE LINE.

THAT'S JUST...

DO YOU HAVE TO
GIVE THAT NOTE?

REALLY, COME ON!

IT'S THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.

THE FIRST LADY
IS THERE.

ALL THESE DIGNITARIES
ARE THERE.

DID THEY REALLY THINK
I WAS GONNA GO IN THERE
AND GO,

"NIGGA,
YOU THE FUCKING PRESIDENT!

NIGGA!

YOU THE MOTHERFUCKING
PRESIDENT!

GIVE ME SOME
RIGHT HERE.

COME ON, NIGGA,
HIT THAT.

HIT THAT, NIGGA,
HIT THAT."

WHAT THE FUCK?!

YOU GOT TO BE
ONE IGNORANT NIGGA

TO DO SOME SHIT
LIKE THAT!

SO I HAD TO
REWRITE MY ACT
IN AN HOUR.

( audience laughing,
cheering )

UH.

WE GOTTA MAKE
SOME ADJUSTMENTS, MAN,

YOU KNOW, GOTTA GET USED TO
HAVING A BLACK FIRST LADY.

GOTTA GET USED TO THAT,
RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY WE HAD
ALL THOSE ARTICLES,

YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY FIRST
GOT IN OFFICE,

LIKE, "WHO IS
THE REAL MICHELLE OBAMA?

WHEN WILL WE SEE
THE REAL MICHELLE OBAMA?"

YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE SAYING?

WHEN ARE WE
GONNA SEE THIS...

"NO, YOU NEED TO
TAKE CARE OF YOUR BABY!

YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE
OF YOUR BABY!"

( audience laughing,
cheering )

WELL, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA SEE THAT FROM
MICHELLE OBAMA,

AND WE ALL
DON'T DO THAT.

AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW
FOR A FACT

THAT DURING THE CAMPAIGN,

SHE HAD RODS
IMPLANTED IN HER NECK

SO SHE IS INCAPABLE
OF DOING THAT.

YOU SEE SOMETIMES
SHE WANTS TO,

BUT SHE CAN'T.
SHE'S JUST...

IT'S LIKE
EVERYBODY'S JUST WAITING

FOR ONE OF THOSE RODS
TO SNAP

AND FOR HER
TO GET PISSED ONE NIGHT

AND THROW ALL HIS SHIT
OUT ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN.

"FUCK YOU, BARACK!
YOU AIN'T SHIT!

YOU AIN'T SHIT!"

MICHELLE'S MOTHER
COMES TO THE DOOR,

"BABY, PLEASE, MICHELLE,

YOU GONNA GET THAT BOY
IMPEACHED!

PLEASE, BABY!

GET IN THE HOUSE.
GET IN THE HOUSE.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE
LOOKIN' AT YOU!"

WE GOTTA GET USED TO
HAVING A BEAUTIFUL
FIRST LADY, TOO.

FIRST LADY.

FIRST LADY
WHO LIKES TO
SHOW SOME SKIN.

I LIKE THAT.

GIVING HER SOME SHIT
'CAUSE SHE WENT SLEEVELESS.

THE COUNTRY IS BROKE.
SLEEVES COST MONEY,
ALL RIGHT?

GAVE HER SHIT
'CAUSE SHE WAS WEARING SHORTS.

I LIKE THAT.
SHE SHOULD SHOW HER SKIN.

SHE HAS BEAUTIFUL SKIN,
SHE HAS BEAUTIFUL ARMS.

SHOW THOSE ARMS OFF.

NOW, SOME OF THE PREVIOUS
FIRST LADIES,

YEAH,
THEY NEEDED SLEEVES.

BARBARA BUSH SHOULD HAVE
BEEN IN A PONCHO
THE WHOLE TIME.

ALL THAT FLAPPING AROUND.

NOBODY WANTED TO SEE THAT.

I WAS LIKE, "AT LEAST
TATTOO THE FLAG ON THERE
OR SOMETHING."

I LOVE THAT.
SHOW YOUR ARMS OFF,
MICHELLE.

THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GOT NICE ARMS.

AND PLUS, YOU LET
ALL THOSE OTHER LITTLE
FLOOZY GIRLS OUT THERE,

LET ALL THEM LITTLE INTERNS
AND SHIT KNOW,

LET 'EM KNOW, "ALL RIGHT,
YOU COULD TRY SOME SHIT WITH
MY MAN IF YOU WANT TO,

BUT YOU GONNA GET
ONE OF THESE BABIES

AROUND YOUR SCRAWNY NECK!"

BUT I DON'T EVEN THINK
WE HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT ANYTHING GOING ON

OR ANYBODY MESSING WITH HIM
OR THEM MESSING AROUND

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I MET THEM AT THAT DINNER

AND YOU COULD FEEL
THE ENERGY BETWEEN THEM.

LET ME TELL YOU,
THEY FUCKING.

OH YEAH.

THERE IS
SOME FUCKING GOING ON

AT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE.

THEY SHOULD PUT A SIGN
OUT ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN,

"IF THE WHITE HOUSE
IS A-ROCKIN', DON'T
COME A-KNOCKIN'."

THERE'S SOME GOOD, HOT SEX
GOING ON THERE,

I MEAN, WE'RE TALKING
ASS SLAPPING, HIP PULLING.

"OH, YOU WANT
MY STIMULUS PACKAGE, HUH?

YOU WANT
MY STIMULUS PACKAGE, HUH?

YOU WANT
MY STIMULUS PACKAGE?"

"YES, DADDY!
GIVE ME THE PACKAGE, DADDY!

REGULATE IT!
REGULATE!"

AND I KNOW I KEEP SAYING
"THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT,"

AND YES, I KNOW
THAT HE'S BIRACIAL,
BUT I DON'T CARE.

HE'S THE FIRST
BLACK PRESIDENT.

WELL...

THAT'S UNLESS
HE FUCKS UP.

AND IF HE FUCKS UP,
I'M GONNA BE THE FIRST ONE
TO SAY,

"WHO VOTED FOR
THE HALF-WHITE GUY?

GET THAT MULATTO OUTTA THERE!
HE STINKS!"

AND THERE'S A LOT OF AREAS
WHERE HE CAN FUCK UP

'CAUSE, GOOD LORD,
THE MAN GOT PROBLEMS
ALL OVER THE PLACE, HUH?

ALL KIND OF PROBLEMS,

AND THEN PEOPLE
FUCKING WITH HIM

FOR STUFF THAT, YOU KNOW,
JUST LIKE SHIT THEY SHOULDN'T
BE BOTHERING HIM WITH,

YOU KNOW, LIKE CRITICIZING HIM
ABOUT THEIR CHOICE OF DOG,

WHAT KIND OF DOG
ARE THEY GONNA GET.

AND THEN, YOU KNOW,
SPCA GOT ON THEM ABOUT,

"OH, HOW COME HE DIDN'T
GET A SHELTER DOG?

HOW COME THE PRESIDENT
DIDN'T GET A RESCUE DOG?

HE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN
A RESCUE DOG."

I'M LIKE, THE MAN
HAS TO RESCUE A COUNTRY

THAT'S BEEN ABUSED
BY ITS PREVIOUS OWNER.

( audience laughing,
cheering )

LET HIM HAVE
A FRESH START WITH A DOG.

DAMN!

AND THEN, YOU KNOW,
THERE WERE PROBLEMS
THAT OUT OF NOWHERE,

NOT JUST
YOUR NORMAL PROBLEMS,

LIKE, YOU KNOW,
THE ECONOMY

AND THE TWO WARS
THAT ARE GOING ON.

NO, THEN HE STARTED GETTING
ALL THESE EXTRA PROBLEMS

LIKE SWINE FLU

AND PIRATES?!

WHAT THE FUCK?!
PIRATES?!

REALLY?!

PIRATES? WHERE THE FUCK
DID PIRATES COME FROM?!

I BET YOU HE THOUGHT
THAT RAHM EMANUEL
WAS PUNKING HIM

WHEN HE CAME IN THERE
WITH THAT SHIT.

"MR. PRESIDENT,
ONE OF OUR VESSELS

HAS BEEN TAKEN
BY PIRATES."

"THAT'S A GOOD ONE, RON.
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE."

PIRATES!
I WAS SO PISSED
WHEN I SAW THAT.

I'M LIKE, "PIRATES?"
AND THEN WHEN I LOOKED,
I WAS LIKE,

"THESE AREN'T PIRATES.
THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T
LOOK LIKE PIRATES!

THEY LOOK LIKE
A BUNCH OF CARJACKERS
ON WATER."

WHY ARE WE FUCKING
WITH THESE LITTLE KIDS?

IT'S LIKE, "OH WELL,
THEY HAVE MACHINE GUNS."

WHAT-- HAVE YOU
SEEN HOW BIG THESE
CARGO SHIPS ARE?

THEY'RE ENORMOUS!

THEY HAVE MACHINE GUNS?

WELL, ONLY WAY
A GUN CAN HURT YOU
WHEN YOU'RE ON THAT SHIP

IS IF YOU STICK
YOUR STUPID HEAD
OFF THE SIDE...

AND LOOK DOWN
AT THE PIRATES.

AND WHO ARE
THESE SHITTY-ASS CAPTAINS

ALLOWING THESE LITTLE KIDS
TO TAKE THEIR BIG-ASS BOAT?

THAT'S A SHITTY CAPTAIN.

IF I'M THE CAPTAIN,
I'D SAY,

"UH, CAPTAIN,
THERE'S SOME PIRATES, UH...

YEAH, THERE'S SOME PIRATES
DOWN THERE.

WELL YEAH, I JUST
CAUGHT A BULLET.
LOOK. SEE?

YEAH, PIRATES ARE
DOWN THERE."

YOU'RE THE CAPTAIN!

ALL YOU GOTTA DO
IS TAKE THAT WHEEL
AND DO ONE OF THESE...

"OH YEAH, THEY'RE GONE.
THEY'RE GONE."

( audience applauding )

FUCKIN' PIRATES.

I WAS SO PISSED.

YOU KNOW, THE ONE
THAT WE CAUGHT, WE SHOULD
MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUT OF HIM.

YEAH, THEY SHOULD
CHOP HIS LEG OFF AND STICK
A BROOM HANDLE UP THERE,

PUT A HOOK ON HIS HAND,

STICK A PARROT
ON HIS SHOULDER,

SLAP AN EYE PATCH ON HIM,

AND KICK HIS ASS
BACK TO SOMALIA.

THAT'S A FUCKIN' PIRATE!

( audience cheering )

HE'S GOT SOME FAKE PROBLEMS,
AND HE HAS REAL PROBLEMS.

REFORM AND HEALTH CARE,
OH MY GOD.

THAT'S A HUGE PROBLEM
RIGHT THERE.

THIS SHIT IS CRAZY!

AND PEOPLE
ARE JUST NUTS--

JUST NUTS.

YOU KNOW,
SCARING THE SHIT
OUT OF OLD PEOPLE,

TALKING ABOUT
DEATH PANELS.

"OH, THEY'RE GONNA
PULL THE PLUG ON GRANDMA."

JUST SCARING THE SHIT
OUT OF OLD PEOPLE!

I MEAN, REALLY,
SINCE WHEN HAVE WE BEEN
THAT NATION?

WHY WOULD THEY
EVEN BELIEVE THAT?

YOU THINK WE JUST
START KILLING PEOPLE
'CAUSE THEY'RE OLD?

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE DO.

YOU THINK WE'RE JUST GONNA BE
WALKING DOWN THE STREET

AND GO, "OH, YOU'RE AN OLD MAN.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

78?!

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD
THREE YEARS AGO!"

IS THAT IT?
ALL IT IS IS JUST
YOUR MEDICAL DIRECTIVES,

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

YOU JUST HAVE THE
END-OF-LIFE CONSULTATION--

THAT'S ALL, TO DECIDE
WHAT YOU WANNA DO,
THAT'S IT.

I HAVE A MEDICAL DIRECTIVE.
I HAVE THAT.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE IF I DIDN'T,
THEN YOUR NEXT OF KIN,
YOU KNOW,

WOULD HAVE THE DECISION.

AND I HAVE KIDS,
AND I DON'T TRUST
THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS!

I CAN SEE ME THERE,
I'M LAID UP IN THE HOSPITAL
WITH A BROKEN HIP

AND I COULD JUST HEAR 'EM--

"PULL THE PLUG!
PULL THE PLUG!"

"I CAN HEAR YOU,
ASSHOLE!

I BROKE MY HIP,
NOT MY EARDRUMS!

DUMB BASTARD!"

I WENT SO FAR
AS I EVEN PLANNED
MY OWN FUNERAL.

I TOLD THEM WHAT TO DO
WITH MY BODY.

I SAID, "LOOK,
I'M AN ORGAN DONOR,
SO MAKE SURE THAT HAPPENS,

- AND THE REST OF IT JUST--"
- ( audience cheering )

I SAID, "THE REST OF IT,
JUST BURN IT UP.

BURN IT UP."

AND THEY WAS LIKE,
"WHAT SHOULD WE DO
WITH THE ASHES?"

I SAID, "SPREAD 'EM
OVER HALLE BERRY.

( audience laughing,
cheering )

SHE DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE
AT THE FUNERAL.

JUST CATCH HER ASS
ON THE STREET ONE DAY."

WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO SEE
THAT RED-CARPET ARRIVAL?

YOU SITTING THERE
WATCHING THE OSCARS.

"SO, HALLE,
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?"

ONE OF MY FRIENDS
RUNS UP--

"WANDA SYKES!"

I'M GLAD SOME OF YOU ALL
APPLAUDED WHEN I SAID
"ORGAN DONOR"

BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY MORE PEOPLE ARE NOT
ORGAN DONORS.

( audience applauding )

WE ALL REALLY
SHOULD BE ORGAN DONORS.

I MEAN, COME ON,
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING ON TO IT?

YOU'RE DEAD.
GIVE IT UP.

LET SOMEBODY ELSE
USE IT.

I HOPE WHOEVER GETS MY LIVER--
GOD BLESS 'EM.

THERE AIN'T GONNA BE
MUCH LEFT ON IT.

( chuckles )

BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO GIVE,
YOU KNOW,

AND THEN SOME PEOPLE SAY,
"WELL, IT'S MY RELIGION."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN--
WHAT KIND OF RELIGION IS THAT?

THAT'S THE MOST LOVING
THING THAT YOU CAN DO

IS TO GIVE SOMEBODY
OF YOURSELF,

TO HELP SOMEBODY,
RIGHT?

AND IT'S LIKE,
"WHAT, YOUR GOD IS
KINDA CRAZY OR SOMETHING?

YOU'RE SCARED
WHEN YOU GET TO HEAVEN
YOUR GOD GONNA BE LIKE,

"WHERE THE HELL
ARE YOUR EYES?

AIN'T THIS A BITCH?

YOU UP HERE
WITH EMPTY EYE SOCKETS.

WHAT THE--
WHERE ARE YOUR EYES?!

YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE
ALL THIS PRETTY SHIT
I GOT UP HERE FOR YOU."

I'M AN ORGAN DONOR,

BUT I HAD TO STOP THERE.

I COULDN'T LEAVE
MY BODY TO SCIENCE.

I COULDN'T DO THAT.
I MEAN, COME ON.

I DON'T WANNA END UP
A CADAVER.

I MEAN, COME ON,
PEOPLE KNOW ME.

I DON'T WANT TO END UP
WITH SOME STUPID MED STUDENT.

THEY'RE LIKE,
"HEY, GUYS, LOOK!

I GOT WANDA SYKES!"

THEY PROP ME UP
AND PUT A MIKE IN MY HAND.

I DRAW THE LINE.

WELL, PEOPLE,
YOU KNOW,

IT'S HARD
TO DO CHANGE.

IT'S HARD FOR PEOPLE
TO DO CHANGE, YOU KNOW.

IT'S GONNA BE HARD
TO REFORM HEALTH CARE

BECAUSE WE THINK
OUR SHIT IS THE BEST.

AND IT'S NOT,
BUT WE THINK OUR SHIT
IS THE BEST, RIGHT?

AND YOU KNOW
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

WHEN YOU LEAVE THE COUNTRY,
YOU FIND THAT OTHER PEOPLE,

THEY THINK THEIR SHIT
IS THE BEST, TOO.

YEAH.
I WENT TO BRAZIL,

AND I TOOK
A LITTLE JUNGLE TOUR.

YEAH, BUT IT WAS BASICALLY
A JEEP RIDE THROUGH
THAT NATIONAL PARK.

I-- OH, DON'T THINK
I WAS FUCKING AROUND
IN THE RAINFOREST AND SHIT.

NO, THANK YOU.
YEAH,

THEY BUILD A FOUR SEASONS
IN THE RAINFOREST,

THEN MAYBE
I'LL CHECK IT OUT,
BUT SHIT.

AIN'T FOR ME.

SO, WE'RE ON THIS JEEP TOUR,
RIGHT?

AND OUR GUIDE,
HE JUST STOPS THE JEEP.

HE'S LIKE,
"LISTEN. LISTEN."

HE WAS LIKE,
"YOU HEAR THAT?

THAT IS OUR BIRD.

AND WHEN OUR BIRD
MAKES THAT NOISE,

WE KNOW THAT
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
THE SAME WEATHER TOMORROW

THAT WE'RE HAVING TODAY."

I WAS LIKE,
"MM-HMM, OKAY."

AND MY WIFE
IS FROM FRANCE,

YOU KNOW,
SO SHE JUMPS UP--

"OH, IN FRANCE,
WE HAVE A BIRD,

AND WHEN THE BIRD
FLIES HIGH,

WE KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE
SUNNY THE NEXT DAY,

AND IF IT FLIES LOW,

THEN WE KNOW
IT'S GOING TO RAIN."

SO, I'M LOOKING AT
THE TWO OF THESE DUMMIES...

I'M LIKE, "WELL,
IN MY COUNTRY,

WE HAVE
THE METEOROLOGIST.

( audience cheering )

AND AL ROKER TELLS US

WHAT THE WEATHER'S
GONNA BE LIKE

FOR THE NEXT
FIVE DAYS.

SO FUCK YOUR BIRDS."

LUCKY FOR ME,
IT WASN'T A LONG WALK
BACK TO THE HOTEL.

IT'S HARD TO CHANGE.
WE DON'T WANNA CHANGE.

WE THINK OUR SHIT
IS THE BEST.

LIKE THE METRIC SYSTEM.

WE HAVE STILL NOT CONVERTED
TO THE METRIC SYSTEM.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG
WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO CONVERT
TO THE METRIC SYSTEM?

SINCE 1875!

THE WHOLE
REST OF THE WORLD--

WE'RE THE ONLY
INDUSTRIALIZED NATION

THAT STILL HAS NOT
CONVERTED TO THE METRIC SYSTEM.

YEAH, EVERYBODY ELSE
IS WITH THE METRIC.

EVERYBODY ELSE IS LIKE,
"OH, IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

IT'S JUST BASED
ON A SYSTEM OF TENS."

WE LIKE, "HMM-MM."

WE LIKE OUR TWELVES
AND TEASPOONS,

CUP, PINT--
I LIKE ALL THAT--

FEET, YARDS--
WE LIKE ALL THAT SHIT.

EVERYBODY WENT METRIC.

I REMEMBER
BEING IN GRADE SCHOOL

LIKE BACK IN '75
AND THEY TRIED TO TEACH US
THE METRIC SYSTEM.

YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
THE RUSSIANS HAD LANDED
AT OUR FRONT DOOR.

OH MY GOD!
EVERYBODY WAS CRYING.

THE TEACHERS
WERE CRYING

'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T KNOW
THAT SHIT EITHER.

IT WAS SAD, MAN.

EVERYBODY JUST SAID,
"FUCK IT.

WE AIN'T DOING
THAT SHIT."

THE UNITED STATES
JUST GAVE THE REST
OF THE WORLD

A BIG FINGER AND SAID,
"FUCK YOUR METRIC SYSTEM."

IT IS SAD, MAN.

THE ONLY PEOPLE
WHO USE THE METRIC SYSTEM
ARE DOCTORS, RIGHT?

AND I FEEL SORRY
FOR THE DOCTORS

BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO
GIVE US OUR DIAGNOSIS
IN FRUIT.

YOU GO TO THE DOCTOR
AND THEY SAY,

"UH, YOU HAVE A TUMOR."

"OH OKAY.
HOW BIG IS IT, DOC?"

( audience laughing )

"NINE CENTIMETERS."

AND THEN YOU GOTTA
LOOK AT THE DOCTOR

AND LOOK AT HIS FACE
TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT
HOW BAD IT IS.

YOU'RE LIKE...

THEN THE DOCTOR
GETS SICK OF LOOKING
AT YOUR STUPID FACE.

HE GOES, "YOU HAVE
A GRAPEFRUIT."

"OH SHIT,
A GRAPEFRUIT!

OH, DOC!

WE GOTTA GET THAT
OUTTA THERE!

THAT'S GOTTA COME OUT,
RIGHT?

'CAUSE I KNOW, LIKE,
GRAPES YOU CAN KEEP
AN EYE ON,

BUT GRAPEFRUIT,
THAT'S GOTTA GO.

WE GOTTA GET THAT OUT."

WE'RE A NATION
OF DUMMIES.

WE ARE!

DON'T WANNA LEARN
NEW SHIT,

OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM
STINKS--

WE REALLY DO NEED TO REVAMP
OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM.

IT DOESN'T WORK.
IT DOES NOT WORK.

( audience applauding,
cheering )

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE SHOWS--

"ARE YOU SMARTER
THAN A 5th GRADER?"

YOU KNOW HOW PISS POOR
THAT IS?!

AND I HAVEN'T SEEN
ANYBODY WIN.

PEOPLE SIT--
SIT THERE AT HOME
PLAYING ALONG--

"OOH, I THINK
I KNOW THIS ONE."

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO!
YOU'RE 32, YOU DUMB
MOTHERFUCKER!

WE NEED TO JUST
REVAMP OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT,
WE DON'T LEARN ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
COMPREHENSION.

IT'S JUST RETENTION.
IT'S JUST ROTE, THAT'S IT.

WE NEVER GET IT.
WE JUST KEEP IT LONG ENOUGH

TO SPIT IT BACK OUT,
PASS THE TEST,

AND WE GET RID
OF THAT SHIT, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE THE TEACHER
GIVES YOU SOMETHING.

YOU GO, "OKAY OKAY,
I GOT THAT."

THE TIME FOR THE TEST--
"OKAY, HERE YOU GO. GIVING
IT BACK TO YOU."

DONE WITH THAT,
IT'S LIKE OUR BRAIN'S
A BIG ETCH A SKETCH.

WE GO...

"OKAY.

NEXT SUBJECT."

IMMIGRATION.
THERE'S ANOTHER PROBLEM.

THAT'S ANOTHER PROBLEM
ON THE PRESIDENT'S DESK,
RIGHT?

ANOTHER PROBLEM.
IMMIGRATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF

WHEN PEOPLE CALL THEM
"ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS--"

"OH, THESE ARE
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS."

YOU KNOW,
THERE'S NOTHING ILLEGAL.

THEY'RE JUST UNDOCUMENTED
WORKERS, THAT'S IT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
ANYTHING LIKE CRIMINAL.

I MEAN, REALLY,
IF SOMEBODY BROKE
INTO MY HOUSE

AND VACUUMED...

YOU KNOW, I MIGHT BE
A LITTLE CONFUSED,

BUT I AIN'T
CALLING THE COPS.

BUT SOME PEOPLE
GET SO ARROGANT, BOY,

GET SO ARROGANT, SO HARD
ON THE UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS,

GET SO HARD ON PEOPLE
WHO WEREN'T BORN HERE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, COME ON.
THEY JUST WANNA COME HERE
FOR A BETTER LIFE.

GIVE 'EM A FAIR SHAKE.

YOU KNOW, AND PLUS...

( audience cheering )

AND PLUS,
THERE'S A FEW AMERICANS

I WOULD LOVE TO
TRADE OUT

FOR A COUPLE
OF UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS.

SHIT, I'LL TAKE
TWO GUATEMALANS,

A MEXICAN,
AND A BOATLOAD OF HAITIANS

FOR OCTOMOM ANY DAY!

( audience cheering )

SHE'S GOT TO GO.

YOU KNOW,
A LOT OF CHANGE GOING ON,

BUT THEN SOME THINGS
JUST REMAIN THE SAME.

SOME THINGS
REMAIN THE SAME.

BLACK MEN STILL
GOTTA WATCH THEIR BACK,

STILL GOTTA--
AIN'T NO FREE RIDE NOW,

AIN'T NO FREEDOM,
"DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO--"

HUH-HUH,
GOTTA WATCH YOURSELF.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT,
THERE'S ONE GROUP

WHO CAN GO ANYWHERE,
DO ANYTHING THAT
THEY WANNA DO,

YOU KNOW
WHO CAN MOVE AROUND FREELY?

A MEXICAN
WITH A LEAF BLOWER.

I'M TELLING YOU,
A MEXICAN WITH A LEAF BLOWER

CAN GO ANY-FUCKING-WHERE
THEY WANNA GO.

I DON'T KNOW
IF THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT LEAF BLOWER

THAT JUST HYPNOTIZES YOU.

( mimicking leaf blower )

YOU GET THE FUCK
OUT THE WAY.

YOU BE YELLING AT YOUR FRIENDS,
"GET THE FUCK OUT THE WAY!

YOU SEE THE MAN COMING THROUGH
WITH THE LEAF BLOWER.

COME ON IN, SIR.
COME RIGHT THIS WAY."

( mimicking leaf blower )

IF I EVER WANTED
TO KIDNAP THE PRESIDENT,

I WILL HIRE MEXICANS
WITH LEAF BLOWERS,
I'M TELLING YOU.

THEY'RE--
( mimicking leaf blower )

THEY'D BLOW RIGHT PAST
SECRET SERVICE.

( mimicking leaf blower )
"OKAY, EVERYBODY, BACK UP.

BACK UP, EVERYONE.
NO NO, IT'S A MEXICAN
WITH A LEAF BLOWER.

PLEASE LET HIM THROUGH.
LET HIM THROUGH.

GET OUTTA THE WAY.
GET OUTTA THE WAY.

YES YES, AND HE'S MEXICAN,
I SAW HIM.

IT IS NOT A THREAT."

( mimicking leaf blower )

THEY WALK OUT
OF THE WHITE HOUSE

WITH THE PRESIDENT
IN A BIG PLASTIC GREEN BAG.

( mimicking leaf blower )

CHANGE, MAN.
CHANGE IS HARD.

IT'S HARD TO MAKE CHANGES.
HARD TO MAKE CHANGES.

LOOK AT HOW HARD IT WAS
FOR US TO GET A FIRST
LATINO JUDGE, HUH?

- YEAH, JUSTICE--
- ( audience applauding )

JUSTICE SONIA SOTOMAYOR.

SO HAPPY SHE GOT ON.

LOOK, THEY GAVE HER
SO MUCH SHIT.

YOU KNOW, ISN'T IT FUNNY
THAT THE ONLY TIME YOUR RACE
OR GENDER IS QUESTIONED

IS WHEN YOU'RE NOT
A WHITE MAN?

( audience applauding )

'CAUSE I THINK WHITE MEN,
THEY GET UPSET.

THEY GET NERVOUS--
LIKE, A MINORITY
OR ANOTHER RACE

GETS A LITTLE POWER,
IT MAKES THEM NERVOUS

'CAUSE THEY SCARED
THAT THAT RACE IS
GONNA DO TO THEM

WHAT THEY DID
TO THAT RACE.

THEY GET NERVOUS.

SO THEY START SCREAMING,
"REVERSE RACISM!

THIS IS REVERSE RACISM."

I'M LIKE, WAIT A MINUTE.
ISN'T REVERSE RACISM,

ISN'T THAT WHEN A RACE
IS NICE TO SOMEBODY ELSE?

ISN'T THAT?
TO OTHER PEOPLE?

THAT'S REVERSE RACISM.

WHAT YOU'RE AFRAID OF
IS CALLED KARMA.

( audience laughing,
applauding )

YEAH.

I'M SO HAPPY
SHE'S ON THE BENCH.

I'M SO HAPPY
SHE'S ON THE BENCH.

YOU KNOW,
GOOD FOR HER, AND ALL
THE PROBLEMS THEY GAVE HER

AND TALKING SHIT,
YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE SHE'S ON THERE NOW.

SO, ONCE YOU'RE
ON THE BENCH,

ONCE YOU'RE A JUSTICE,
YOU'RE ALWAYS A JUSTICE.

SO IF I WAS HER,
THE FIRST DAY, I WOULD
HAVE WALKED IN THERE

WEARING A ROBE MADE OUT OF
THE PUERTO RICAN FLAG.

iMIRA! iMIRA!

EVERY TIME
JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS
SAYS SOMETHING,

SHE SHOULD JUST
ROLL HER EYES AND GO,
"PFFT, THAT WAS DUMB."

A LOT CHANGES, MAN.
I HAD A LOT OF PERSONAL CHANGES
GOING ON IN MY LIFE.

I HAD A PERSONAL CHANGE--
I GOT MARRIED.

- ( audience cheering )
- YEP, I GOT MARRIED.

HAPPILY MARRIED.

I GOT MARRIED
IN CALIFORNIA,
YOU KNOW.

THEN I HAD TO
PUBLICLY COME OUT.
I HAD TO DO THAT.

I HAD TO.

I HAD TO DO IT,
ESPECIALLY AFTER PROP 8--

AFTER THAT PROP 8 FIASCO
IN CALIFORNIA,

I HAD TO COME OUT.

I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING
'CAUSE I WAS SO HURT

AND SO FUCKING PISSED.

I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING.
HAD TO SAY SOMETHING, MAN.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT WAS LIKE THAT NIGHT
WAS CRAZY.

BLACK PRESIDENT-- YAY!

OH, PROP 8 PASSED--
OH SHIT.

NOW I'M A SECOND-CLASS CITIZEN.
WHAT THE FUCK?!

I WAS UP HERE,
NOW I'M BACK DOWN HERE.

ACTUALLY, I'M LOWER.
I DROPPED LOWER.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE
AS A BLACK WOMAN--
AT LEAST A BLACK WOMAN,

I COULD DO WHATEVER,
MARRY WHOEVER,

BUT AS A GAY BLACK WOMAN--
HUH-UH, EVEN LOWER.

AND I THINK ABOUT IT,
I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT IS HARDER.

IT'S HARDER.
IT'S HARDER BEING GAY
THAN IT IS BEING BLACK.

IT IS CAUSE
THERE'S SOME THINGS
THAT I HAD--

THERE'S SOME THINGS
THAT I HAD TO DO AS GAY

THAT I DIDN'T
HAVE TO DO AS BLACK.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO
COME OUT BLACK.

( audience laughing,
cheering )

I DIDN'T HAVE TO
SIT MY PARENTS DOWN

AND TELL THEM
ABOUT MY BLACKNESS.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO
SIT THEM DOWN--

"MOM, DAD, I GOTTA
TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING.

I HOPE YOU'LL
STILL LOVE ME.

I'M JUST GONNA SAY IT.

MOM, DAD...

I'M BLACK."

"WHAT?!
WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?

OH, LORD JESUS!
SHE DIDN'T SAY BLACK, LORD.
DID SHE SAY BLACK?"

"MOM, I'M BLACK."
"OH NO, LORD JESUS!
NOT BLACK, FATHER GOD!

OH, NOT BLACK, LORD!

ANYTHING BUT BLACK,
JESUS!

GIVE HER CANCER, LORD!
GIVE HER CANCER!

ANYTHING BUT BLACK,
LORD!"

IT'S LIKE,
"MOM, YEAH, I'M BLACK.
THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS."

"NO. NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'VE BEEN HANGING AROUND
BLACK PEOPLE.

YOU'VE BEEN HANGING AROUND
BLACK PEOPLE

AND THEY GOT YOU THINKING
YOU BLACK.

THEY TWISTED YOUR MIND!"

IT'S LIKE, "NO, MOM,
I'M BLACK.

THAT'S JUST--
THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS."

"WHAT...
WHAT DID I DO?

WHAT DID I DO?

I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE
LET YOU WATCH 'SOUL TRAIN.'

WAS IT 'SOUL TRAIN'?"

"NO, MA, IT WASN'T
'SOUL TRAIN,' MA.

IT'S JUST...
IT'S JUST WHO I AM.

I WAS JUST BORN BLACK."

"OH, YOU WEREN'T BORN BLACK.
I DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT.

HUH-UH, YOU WEREN'T
BORN BLACK.

THE BIBLE SAYS
ADAM AND EVE,

NOT ADAM
AND MARY J. BLIGE."

I THINK THE PROBLEM
MOST PEOPLE HAVE WITH
HOMOSEXUALITY

IS, YOU KNOW,
THEIR RELIGION,

AND ALSO THEY THINK
IT'S A CHOICE.

BEING GAY
IS NOT A CHOICE.

- IT'S NOT A CHOICE.
- ( audience cheering )

IT IS NOT A CHOICE.

AND SO IF YOU BELIEVE
THAT IT'S A CHOICE,

THEN YOU'RE SAYING
THAT STRAIGHT PEOPLE
ARE STRAIGHT

BECAUSE THEY CHOSE
NOT TO BE GAY, RIGHT?

AND I'M SURE
A LOT OF STRAIGHT GUYS
IN HERE,

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'M SURE THERE'S
SEVERAL OCCASIONS,

YOU PROBABLY THINK,
"YOU KNOW,

I THINK I'M GONNA
SUCK A DICK TODAY.

NAH, I CHOOSE NOT TO."

IT'S FUNNY.
IT'S GREAT BEING OUT.

I LOVE BEING
PUBLICLY OUT,

JUST EVERYTHING
OUT ON THE TABLE.

I AM WHAT I AM.

THAT'S IT.
HAPPY ABOUT IT.

NOW I GET TO GET INVITED
TO ALL THE BIG GAY EVENTS, TOO,

AND BOY,
THERE'S A LOT OF 'EM.

WHEW!
GOOD GRIEF.

BUT YOU KNOW,
ONE I GOT TO DO--
I HAD A GREAT TIME--

I DID A GAY CRUISE.
YEAH.

GAY CRUISE.
ME AND 3200 GAY MEN.

I WAS THE ONLY ONE
WEARING A SHIRT.

AND YOU TALK ABOUT PARTY?
OH MY GOD.

THEY PARTIED
THEY ASSES OFF NONSTOP,

JUST PARTY, PARTY,
PARTY, PARTY.

AND I CAN STILL HEAR
THAT MUSIC IN MY HEAD,

THAT...
( mimicking techno music )

( mimicking
electronic shriek )

"WHAT THE FUCK
IS THAT?!

ARE THERE PIRATES?
ARE THERE PIRATES?
WHAT IS THAT?!"

PARTY, MAN,
THE MUSIC, THE LIGHTS,

THE LASER BEAMS,
THE SMOKE MACHINES,

AND ALL THAT
WAS JUST COMING FROM
THE CABIN NEXT DOOR.

THEY PARTY HARD, MAN.

AND ALSO I GOT
SOME FREE TIME,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE
MY SHOWS WERE AT NIGHT,

SO DURING THE DAY,
WE GOT TO HANG OUT,

YOU KNOW, I GO
ON THE POOL DECK
AND HANG OUT

AND, YOU KNOW,
MY FRIENDS WERE WITH ME,

AND MY WIFE
WAS WITH ME.

WE WERE JUST
HANGING OUT, RIGHT?

AND... AND...

SHE GETS UP
AND SHE STARTS WALKING
TOWARDS THE POOL.

AND I'M LOOKING,
I'M LIKE,

"HEY, BABY, BABY.
( whispering ) COME HERE.
COME HERE."

AND SO SHE WALKS BACK.
SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

I WAS LIKE,
"DON'T GET IN THAT POOL.

GETTING IN THAT POOL
IS LIKE

SWIMMING IN A BOWL
OF DICK SOUP.

YOU OUT THERE
BACKSTROKING IN A BOWL
OF BALL BOUILLABAISSE,

JUST..."

I SAID,
"YOU GET IN THAT POOL,

NINE MONTHS LATER,
WE'RE SITTING ON MAURY POVICH

TRYING TO FIND
THE BABY DADDY."

AND THEY ASKED ME
TO DO ANOTHER ONE.

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH,
I'LL DO ANOTHER ONE,

BUT THIS TIME,
WE GONNA HAVE
A DRESS CODE.

YEAH, 'CAUSE THAT JOCKSTRAP LOOK
WASN'T WORKING
FOR EVERYBODY.

THEY'RE WALKING AROUND,
ALL THE LITTLE KIBBLES AND BITS
HANGING OUT.

OH, AND THEY GOT REAL DODGY
AROUND THE BREAKFAST BUFFET.

I'M JUST GOING THROUGH THE LINE,
AND THEY JUST WALKING THROUGH.

( audience laughing )

"UH... EXCUSE ME.

UH, CAN YOU GET YOUR DICK
OUT MY OMELET, PLEASE?

YOU DON'T FEEL THAT?

YOUR DICK IS
IN MY OMELET, MAN.

NO, I ASKED FOR
A DENVER OMELET,

NOT A MAN FROM DENVER
WITH HIS DICK IN MY OMELET.

NO, YOU KEEP THAT.
YOU KEEP THAT."

BIG CHANGES, MAN.
BIG CHANGES.

I'M A NEW MOM,
A NEW MOM.

- ( audience cheering )
- YES!

I'VE HAD TWINS--
A BOY AND A GIRL.

YEP, VERY HAPPY.

YOU KNOW,
I KNOW IN THE PAST,

I'VE SAID QUITE
A FEW THINGS ABOUT KIDS

AND ABOUT HOW
THEY RUIN YOUR LIFE

AND THEY'RE AWFUL,
AND I WAS RIGHT.

THEY DO RUIN YOUR LIFE,
BUT THEY GIVE YOU
A NEW LIFE.

THAT'S THE THING--
THEY GIVE YOU A NEW LIFE,
AND I'M LOVING IT.

I'M LOVING
EVERY SECOND OF IT.

LOVING EVERY SECOND
OF IT.

I STARTED A LITTLE LATE,
'CAUSE YOU KNOW,

45--
SO YOU KNOW, STARTED,
YOU KNOW, KIDS AT 45,

THAT'S A LITTLE
LATE IN THE GAME,

BUT IT DOES
STICK IN MY MIND
ABOUT THE AGE THING,

AND THAT'S WHY
I ALWAYS, LIKE, TALK
TO MY KIDS A LOT,

JUST TALK TO 'EM,
YOU KNOW,

AND ESPECIALLY THE BOY,
LUCAS--

I TALK TO HIM
ALL THE TIME,

ESPECIALLY WHEN
I'M CHANGING HIM, YOU KNOW--

"OKAY, LUCAS,
YOU SEE HOW MOMMY HAS
THE LIGHTS NICE AND LOW

AND NOT TOO BRIGHT
IN YOUR EYES

AND GOT YOUR LITTLE
LULLABIES PLAYING,

THE MUSIC YOU LIKE.
SEE? UH-HUH.

OKAY NOW,
NOT TOO TIGHT
ON YOUR ANKLES, RIGHT?

OKAY, LET ME GET
THE LITTLE TOWELETTE,

AND SEE,
IT'S NICE AND WARM.

YEAH!
YOU LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

OKAY NOW, YOU GO
FROM FRONT TO BACK,
OKAY?

CLEAN TO DIRTY.

CLEAN TO DIRTY.

CLEAN TO DIRTY.

NOW, I WANT YOU
TO REMEMBER THIS

SO WHEN YOU'RE
DOING THIS FOR MAMA,
YOU DO IT RIGHT, OKAY?

CLEAN TO DIRTY."

THE BIGGEST THINK
ABOUT BEING A NEW MOM

IS THAT WITH KIDS,
YOU'RE TIRED.

YOU'RE JUST TIRED
ALL THE TIME.

I'M ALWAYS TIRED.
I'M TIRED NOW.

JUST TIRED, RIGHT?

AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW PEOPLE CHEAT, YOU KNOW,

ESPECIALLY WHEN
THEY HAVE NEW KIDS
AND THEY CHEAT.

WHERE THE FUCK
DO YOU GET THE ENERGY
TO CHEAT?

SHIT, I TOLD MY WIFE.

I SAID, "LOOK,
IF YOU EVER CATCH ME
IN ANOTHER WOMAN'S BED,

YOU KNOW I'M JUST THERE
FOR A NAP."

I'M LIKE, "BABY, SHE HAD
DOWN PILLOWS.
I'M SORRY!"

THE KIDS ARE AWESOME, MAN,
THEY ARE.

AND, YOU KNOW,
IT'S FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE
FIGURING THEM OUT

BECAUSE THEY CHANGE
EVERY DAY,

THERE'S ALWAYS
SOME CHANGE, YOU KNOW.

AND LIKE, THE BOY--
LUCAS--

OH BOY,
HE IS SO SIMPLE.

AND, GUYS, I DON'T MEAN
ANYTHING DEROGATORY
ABOUT THAT,

THAT GUYS ARE SIMPLE,

BUT LUCAS,
WHEN HE CRIES,

IT'S BECAUSE
THERE'S A REASON.

WHEN LUCAS CRIES,
MAYBE HE'S HUNGRY.

LUCAS CRIES,
HE'S SLEEPY,

OR LUCAS CRIES,
HE NEEDS HIS DIAPER CHANGED.

IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
YOU GET IT.

OLIVIA--
I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT GIRL!

SHE CAN CRY
FOR ANY DAMN THING!

LIKE A LEAF FALLS--
( mimicking crying )

ONE NIGHT SHE WAS CRYING SO BAD,
MY WIFE AND I COULDN'T
FIGURE IT OUT.

WE JUST STARTED
REARRANGING FURNITURE.

"MAYBE SHE WANTS
THE SOFA OVER HERE.

PUT THAT-- JUST PUT
THE DAMN SOFA OVER HERE!

OKAY, TURN THAT LAMP OFF.
ALL RIGHT!

OKAY YEAH, OPEN THAT SHADE.
DO THIS."

CRIES FOR
ANY FUCKING THING.

( mimics crying )
"CLOSE THE REFRIGERATOR.

OLIVIA'S CRYING.
CLOSE THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR.

CLOSE THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR."

JUST CRYING
FOR NO REASON.

JUST...
( mimics crying )

WELL, I WAS ON NIGHT SHIFT,

SO I HAD HER ONE NIGHT,
RIGHT?

SO SHE WAS JUST SITTING,
AND SHE WOULD NOT STOP CRYING.

I MEAN, I TRIED EVERYTHING,

AND SHE JUST WAS...
( mimicking crying )

AFTER 45 MINUTES
OF THAT SHIT,

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT IS
YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM?!

OLIVIA, SWEETHEART,
IT'S JUST BABY.

YOU CAN'T HANDLE BABY?

LIFE IS GONNA
KICK YOUR ASS."

SHE WOULD NOT
STOP CRYING,

AND I SAID, "WANDA,
STOP HOLLERING AT THE BABY.

DON'T TALK TO HER
LIKE THAT."

AND I WAS LIKE,
"OLIVIA, SWEETHEART,

MOMMY IS SO SORRY,
BUT LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I CAN'T HELP YOU.

BUT I CAN HELP ME."
SO I WENT OVER AND
MADE A DRINK.

I MADE MYSELF
A NICE MARTINI.

I WAS LIKE, "MM-HMM..."

SHE WAS...
( mimicking crying )

I WAS LIKE,
"YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW.

BUT YOU GOTTA
BAIL OUT THE BANKS,
BABY,

YOU JUST GOTTA DO IT."

( mimicking crying )

"I DON'T KNOW, I THINK
THE REDSKINS ARE
LOOKING GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW."

( mimicking crying )

"OH WAIT,
YOU SHOULD SEE MY 401(k).

WHEW! AGH!"

AND MY WIFE,
SHE, YOU KNOW,

SHE'S TRYING TO
SET SOME RULES AROUND
THE HOUSE, RIGHT?

YEAH, SHE SAID
THE BABIES, THEY'RE NOT
ALLOWED TO WATCH TV.

THE BABIES
ARE THREE MONTHS OLD.

HOW THE FUCK--
IT'S JUST COLORS TO THEM.

THEY CAN'T--
THEY AIN'T WATCHING TV.

YOU KNOW,
BUT I'M SITTING THERE
ONE DAY, I'M FEEDING OLIVIA.

MY WIFE COMES THROUGH,
TV'S ON,

SHE COMES THROUGH,
SHE PICKS UP THE
REMOTE CONTROL,

TURNS THE TV OFF--
"BABY, COME ON.

TU NE PEUX PAS
REGARDER LA TéLéVISION.

NON."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN
I CAN'T WATCH TV?!

THE BABY'S NOT WATCHING TV.
I'M WATCHING TV.

TURN OFF MY TV?

BUT SHE'S ALL,
"BABY, TV IS NOT GOOD.
IT'S NOT GOOD."

I'M LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE!
TV PAID FOR THE TV.

( audience laughing,
cheering )

I THINK TV IS
PRETTY FUCKING GOOD.

WE SHOULD HAVE ABOUT 50 TV's
IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER."

MY WIFE IS FRENCH.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S FRENCH.

I LIKE TO SAY SHE'S FRENCH
BECAUSE IT SOUNDS NICER
THAN WHITE.

( sighs )

WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S SO FUNNY,

LIKE,
AS AN INTERRACIAL COUPLE,

IT'S FUNNY
THAT THE ONLY PEOPLE--

WE HAVEN'T REALLY
CAUGHT A LOT OF TROUBLE.

THE ONLY GROUP
THAT'S KINDA LIKE
BEEN FUCKING WITH US--

STRAIGHT BLACK WOMEN.

STRAIGHT BLACK WOMEN,
THEY GIVE US GRIEF.

AND I'M LIKE,
"WHAT THE FUCK?
YOU'RE STRAIGHT!

WHAT THE HELL?!
IT'S NOT LIKE
YOU LOST ONE."

STRAIGHT BLACK WOMEN,
THEY STILL, YOU KNOW,

MAKE EYES
AND GIVE MY WIFE SHIT.

I'M LIKE,
"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

WHAT, YOU'RE STRAIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,

GOING, 'MM,
LOOK AT THEM WHITE GIRLS.

JUST TAKING ALL
OUR GOOD BLACK DYKES.

JUST CAN'T KEEP
A GOOD BLACK DYKE,
I TELL YOU.'"

( chuckles )

( sighs )

AND ALSO, OUR BABIES,
OUR BABIES, THEY'RE WHITE.

THEY'RE WHITE, YEAH.
LITTLE WHITE BABIES,
YOU KNOW.

AND PEOPLE ASK ME,
"WELL, WHY DON'T YOU USE
A BLACK DONOR,

YOU KNOW, SO THE BABIES
COULD LOOK LIKE Y'ALL,
YOU KNOW, LOOK LIKE YOU?"

I'M LIKE,
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN
LOOK LIKE US?

THE BABIES AIN'T GONNA
LOOK LIKE US.

WE'RE TWO WOMEN.

WE AIN'T FOOLIN' NOBODY!

( audience laughing,
applauding )

WHAT THE FUCK?"

I WOULD SLAP THE SHIT
OUT OF SOMEBODY

IF THEY WALKED UP TO US
AND POINTED AT ME
AND WAS LIKE,

"( clicks tongue )
YOU MUST BE THE DADDY."

GET THAT DUMBASS
OUTTA HERE.

AND PLUS, YOU KNOW,
WE TALKED ABOUT IT.

WE TALKED ABOUT
USING A BLACK DONOR,

BUT, YOU KNOW,
I HAD TO REALLY THINK
THIS THING OUT.

I HAD TO THINK IT OUT,
AND I WAS LIKE,

"HMM, I'M 10 YEARS OLDER
THAN MY WIFE,

SO YOU KNOW,
MAYBE I'LL BE
THE FIRST TO GO."

THEN I THOUGHT--
I SAID, "AND WHAT IF
WE HAVE A LITTLE GIRL,

A LITTLE BIRACIAL GIRL?"

I WAS LIKE, "I CAN'T
LEAVE THAT GIRL'S HAIR

UP TO THIS WHITE LADY.

I CAN'T DO THAT
TO HER!

I COULDN'T--
I COULDN'T LEAVE
MY BABY'S HAIR

IN THIS WHITE LADY'S
HANDS.

SHE'D FUCK HER HAIR UP!"

YOU EVER SEEN
THEM BIRACIAL KIDS,

AND THE WHITE MOTHER
JUST HAS NO IDEA WHAT
TO DO WITH THEIR HAIR,

SO THEIR HAIR IS
JUST ALL MATTED UP,

NEVER BEEN COMBED
AND LINT AND CAR KEYS

AND Q-TIPS
ALL IN THEIR SHIT?

JUST-- JUST FIND
A BLACK FRIEND,

DO SOME--

TAKE THE CHILD
TO A BLACK BEAUTY PARLOR,

JUST FUCKING DRIVE THROUGH
THE 'HOOD AND STICK HER HEAD
OUT THE WINDOW.

DO SOMETHING!

( chuckling )

SHIT.

SO I LOVE
MY LITTLE WHITE BABIES.

I'M ALREADY HAVING FUN.
I'M ALREADY HAVING
FUN WITH THEM.

I LIKE TO DO-- LIKE,
WE GO TO BABIES"R"US
OR SOMETHING.

I ALWAYS HAVE MY BALL CAP ON
AND MY DARK SHADES,

YOU KNOW, AND I DRIFT OFF
FROM MY WIFE AND THE BABIES.

AND THEN WHEN I SEE PEOPLE
LOOKING AT ME AND TRYING
TO FIGURE SHIT OUT,

I RUN OVER THERE,
KNOCK MY WIFE OUT
OF THE WAY,

AND TAKE THE STROLLER.

BOY, THEY LOOK
THEM DOORS QUICK!

( sighs )

AND MY FRIENDS--
MY FRIENDS FUCK WITH ME
ALL THE TIME.

I LOVE IT, THOUGH,
YOU KNOW.

WE GOT THAT HONESTY
WITH EACH OTHER.

MY FRIENDS WERE LIKE,
"DAMN, YOU KNOW,

IT'S KIND OF FUNNY.
YOU GOT...

YOU GOT BABIES
THAT IF THEY GET LOST,

YOU CAN'T EVEN
CLAIM 'EM."

I WAS LIKE,
"THAT'S FUCKED UP!"

BUT YOU KNOW,
SHE'S RIGHT!

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
I WAS LIKE, "SHIT.

IF I EVER TAKE MY BABIES
TO DISNEYLAND,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO
GIVE THEM A TALK,

LIKE, 'LOOK, OKAY, LOOK.
IT'S JUST US.

NOW, YOU CAN GET LOST
IF YOU WANT TO,

BUT YOU GONNA
BE THERE AWHILE."

IF I'M AT DISNEYLAND,
I'M GONNA HAVE TO FIND
A NICE WHITE LADY.

"EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

COULD YOU GO
GET MY KIDS?"

FUNNY, MAN.
CHANGE.

A LOT OF PHYSICAL CHANGES
ARE GOING ON.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER
THINK ABOUT AGE,

BUT JUST THINK
THERE'S SOME CHANGES THAT
HAPPEN TO LET YOU KNOW

THAT THE AGE PROCESS
IS HAPPENING,

YOU KNOW, LIKE,
JUST LITTLE THINGS.

LIKE, NOW WHEN I SAY
I HAVE TO PEE,

I MEAN I HAVE TO PEE.

BEFORE, YOU KNOW, I USED TO
CARRY EXTRA PANTIES
IN MY PURSE

IN CASE I GOT LUCKY.

NOW I CARRY 'EM
IN CASE I SNEEZE.

WHAT THE HELL?

( chuckling )

NOW SOMEBODY JUST PEED
ON THEMSELVES RIGHT NOW.

I'M SAYING--
I JUST GOTTA GO.

AND I EVEN ASKED
MY DOCTOR ABOUT IT.

I'M LIKE, "LOOK,
WHAT IS GOING ON?"

SHE SAID,
"WELL, YOU NEED TO DO
MORE KEGEL EXERCISE.

YOU NEED TO EXERCISE
YOUR KEGEL MUSCLE,

DO THOSE EXERCISES,
YOU KNOW,

SQUEEZE IT, YOU KNOW,
TIGHTEN UP. UGH,
DO THAT."

I WAS LIKE, "OKAY."

I GOT HOME.
I DID ABOUT 15 OF THEM

AND CAUGHT A CHARLIE HORSE.
I WAS LIKE, "OHH!

( groaning )

SWEET JESUS."

IT WAS LIKE SOMEBODY
HAD SHOT ME IN MY TWAT.

I WAS LIKE...
( groaning )

I'M GONNA TELL YOU,
YOU CAN'T PUT ICY HOT
ON THAT.

YOU CAN'T.

YOU CAN'T.

SHIT JUST HAPPENS,
MAN.

( chuckles )

AND-- AND THEN
I TRIED TO WORK OUT,
YOU KNOW,

TRY TO STAY
ON TOP OF STUFF,

BUT ONCE YOU CROSS
THAT 40 MARK,

STUFF JUST STARTS RELAXING
AND JUST DOING WHATEVER
IT WANTS TO DO.

LIKE THIS AREA
RIGHT HERE,

I JUST NAMED IT.

THIS IS ESTHER.

THIS IS ESTHER.
THIS ROLL RIGHT HERE,

THIS IS ESTHER ROLL.
THIS IS HER.

ESTHER IS A BEAST!

LOVES BREAD
AND ALCOHOL.

HER TWO FAVORITE THINGS.

BREAD AND ALCOHOL.

OH, ANYTIME WE GO
OUT TO DINNER,

WE SIT DOWN,
ESTHER REACHING
FOR THE BREAD.

AND I TRY TO TELL HER,
"ESTHER, WE DON'T NEED
THAT BREAD."

"FUCK YOU!
I LIKE BREAD!"

"OKAY, SHH..."

"GIVE ME A DRINK!"
"OKAY OKAY."

ESTHER'S NEW THING NOW,
SHE LOVES CHEESECAKE.

YEAH, SHE GOT
A SWEET TOOTH.

LOVES CHEESECAKE,
WHICH IS GREAT

'CAUSE I'M
LACTOSE INTOLERANT,

SO OHH...

OH BOY,
I'M SEXY NOW,

I TELL YOU.

I'M ALREADY GOING TO BED
FOR MY SINUS PROBLEMS

WITH A BREATHE RIGHT STRIP
ON MY NOSE,

LOOKING LIKE I'M READY
FOR THE BIG GAME.

SO NOW I GOT
THE THING ON MY NOSE
AND GASSY.

OH BOY,
WHAT A CATCH I AM.

MAMA'S HOT,
I TELL YOU.

YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS
TO TRY TO BE ATTRACTIVE

AND GASSY
AT THE SAME TIME?

ANGELINA JOLIE
COULDN'T EVEN PULL THAT OFF.

I'M IN THE BED,
YOU KNOW, I'M WAKING UP
IN THE MORNING,

I GO,
"GOOD MORNING, BABY.

( mimics flatulence )

MUST BE AN ANIMAL
ON THE ROOF OR SOMETHING.

CAN'T DO IT, MAN.
BUT ESTHER LOVES
CHEESECAKE NOW.

LOVES CHEESECAKE--
"OOH, I WANT SOME CHEESECAKE."

LOVES CHEESECAKE NOW.

I'M ON MY WAY HOME,

WE GO PAST
THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY.

ESTHER TAKES THE WHEEL.
"OHH, GIVE ME SOME
CHEESECAKE!"

"ESTHER! LET GO
OF THE WHEEL, ESTHER!"

"I WANT SOME CHEESECAKE!
SHIT!"

"YOU'RE GONNA KILL US,
ESTHER."

AND I TRY
TO MAKE DEALS WITH HER,

YOU KNOW, I'M LIKE,
"HEY, LOOK, ESTHER,

WHENEVER I GOTTA BE
ON CAMERA, I'M ON TV, RIGHT,"

I SAID, "I GOTTA PUT YOU
ON THE SPANX.

I GOTTA GET YOU
IN THE SPANX."

OH, SHE HATES
THE SPANX.

CAN'T STAND THE SPANX.

ALL THOSE GUYS OUT THERE
KNOW WHAT THE SPANX ARE.

THEY'RE LIKE REALLY,
REALLY TIGHT PANTYHOSE.

THEY'RE SHORT, THEY COME
ALL THE WAY UP HERE,

BUT THEY SUCK
EVERYTHING IN.

I GOT ONE ON RIGHT NOW.
THEY SUCK EVERYTHING IN.

YEAH, I'M ON TV,
SHIT, YEAH.

ESTHER'S
IN THE SPANX.
FUCK YEAH!

( chuckles )

SO I GOTTA GET
ESTHER IN THE SPANX,

BUT, GUYS,
THAT'S THE THING.
THEY'RE REAL TIGHT.

THEY'RE REAL,
YOU KNOW--

OKAY, HAVE YOU ALL
LIKE BEEN OUT WITH A GIRL

AND YOU'RE DANCING WITH HER
AND YOU'RE DOING THIS?

RIGHT? YOU'RE DANCING
LIKE THIS, HOLDING HER
LIKE THIS?

AND WHEN YOU GET HOME,
YOU'RE LIKE THAT...

SHE HAD ON THE SPANX.

SHE TURNED INTO
AN AMOEBA ON YOUR ASS.

SHE WAS LIKE...

THAT'S WHAT
THAT WAS.

SO I GET--
I WAS DOING
"THE TONIGHT SHOW."

RIGHT?
SO I WAS LIKE,
"ESTHER,

I'M DOING
'THE TONIGHT SHOW.'

I GOTTA PUT YOU
IN THE SPANX."

"OHH, I HATE THE SPANX!

OHH, DON'T PUT
ME IN THE SPANX!
I HATE THE SPANX.

I WANNA BE ON TV."

"ESTHER, NOBODY WANTS TO
SEE YOUR FAT ASS ON TV!"

NOW GET IN
THE FUCKING SPANX!"

I PUT ESTHER
IN THE SPANX,

AND SHE'S JUST FIGHTING ME.

"OHH! OOH! EEH! OHH!

YOU'RE KILLING ME!
OH, THIS HURTS.

OH, I WANT
SOME CHEESECAKE.

OHH!"

SO I GOT ESTHER
IN THE SPANX, RIGHT?

SO I'M SITTING
ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW,"

DOING MY INTERVIEW,
RIGHT?

NOW, THINGS ARE
GOING GREAT.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERVIEW,

I FEEL SOMETHING
ROLLING DOWN.

AND I COULD JUST HEAR--
( groaning )

ESTHER IS CLIMBING
OUT OF THE SPANX

ON NATIONAL TV!

I LOOK DOWN,
THERE'S ESTHER.

"HEY, JAY!"

"FUCK YOU, ESTHER.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE
LOOKIN' AT YOU!"

AND THEN
OTHER THINGS HAPPEN

THAT REMIND YOU
OF THE AGING PROCESS

AND CHANGE, YOU KNOW.

MICHAEL JACKSON DYING.
GOOD LORD!

THAT CAME
OUT OF NOWHERE!

THAT SHOCKED
THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

YOU KNOW, I WAS
LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE!
MICHAEL JACKSON?"

I WENT STRAIGHT BACK
TO MY CHILDHOOD.

YOU KNOW...
( humming )

YOU KNOW,
I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT THE HELL?

MICHAEL JACKSON DYING?"

YOU KNOW,
BUT THEN THE THING IS,

EVERYBODY WAS SPECULATING
HOW HE DIED

AND WAITING FOR
THE TOXICOLOGY REPORTS

ON HOW DID
MICHAEL DIE.

I MEAN, WHAT IS THERE
TO SPECULATE ABOUT?

MICHAEL JACKSON DIED
OF MICHAEL JACKSON.

HE HAD MICHAEL JACKSON.

HE HAD IT
FOR A LONG-ASS TIME.

11-YEAR-OLD BOY,
HE ONSTAGE

AND GROWN WOMEN
THROWING PANTIES AT HIM.

AND BACK THEN,
WE DIDN'T HAVE THE
LITTLE CUTE THONGS.

HE WAS GETTING
BIG-GIRL BLOOMERS
THROWN AT HIM.

( mimicking whooshing )

PROBABLY LOOKED LIKE
A PARATROOPER DRILL
ON THE STAGE.

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

I FELT SORRY
FOR MICHAEL.

YOU KNOW, THINGS ARE JUST
HAPPENING ALL AROUND US.

I'M LIKE,
"WHAT THE-- SALLY FIELD?

SALLY FIELD DOING
BONIVA COMMERCIALS?
WHAT THE FUCK?"

I'M LIKE,
"THAT'S THE FLYING NUN.

SHE GOT BRITTLE BONES?
WHAT THE FUCK?

WHAT'S THE FLYING NUN
DOING WITH OLD-LADY BONES?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS
CAN'T SHIT?

WHAT-- WHAT--
WHAT IS GOING ON?

WHAT IS--
WHAT IS HAPPENING?

JAMIE LEE CURTIS
WAS THE LITTLE SEXY GIRL

RUNNING FROM THE KILLERS,
FROM THE CRAZY KILLERS

WITH HER TITTIES OUT,

AND NOW SHE CAN'T SHIT?

SHE NEEDS
A YOGURT TO SHIT?
WHAT THE HELL?!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU,
THAT YOGURT WORKS.

IT DOES.
I MEAN...

THAT YOGURT, IT WORKS,
I'M TELLING YOU,
IT DOES.

THEY NEED TO
CHANGE THEIR SLOGAN--

"ACTIVIA-- BECAUSE YOU DON'T
KNOW HOW FULL OF SHIT
YOU REALLY ARE."

ALL THIS STUFF
GOING ON, MAN,

JUST MAKES YOU
FEEL BAD.

AND MEN-- WHEW!
YOU GUYS ARE CATCHING HELL!

YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT
FEELING ANY BETTER, RIGHT?

'CAUSE EVERY OTHER COMMERCIAL
IS FOR BROKE DICK.

RIGHT?

BROKE DICK, BROKE DICK,
BROKE DICK.

GOOD GRIEF,
EVERY OTHER COMMERCIAL.

I'M SO SICK OF
THAT LITTLE WHISTLING MAN,

THAT...
( whistling )

OH, NOT BROKE DICK BOB
AGAIN.

I'M SO SICK
OF THAT BROKE-DICK BASTARD.

AND, GUYS, LOOK.

I'M NOT TALKING TO THE MEN
WITH PROSTATE PROBLEMS.

I'M JUST TALKING TO THE GUYS
THAT YOUR DICK JUST BREAKS.

MAYBE YOUR DICK JUST BREAKS
FOR A REASON.

MAYBE YOUR DICK
HAS RUN ITS COURSE.

THAT'S IT.

MAYBE THAT'S GOD'S WAY
OF TELLING YOU,

"YOU ALL FUCKED OUT."

MAYBE THE DICK COMES
WITH A PUNCH CARD,

THAT Y'ALL JUST
DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT.

MAYBE IF YOU START
THINKING ABOUT IT LIKE THAT,

YOU'LL START BEING
A LITTLE MORE CONSERVATIVE
WITH YOUR DICK, WON'T YOU?

BE A LITTLE MORE CONSERVATIVE
IF YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIMITED
ON YOUR AMMO.

DON'T BE OUT THERE
JUST SHOOTING IT OFF
ALL WILLY-NILLY.

YOU NEED TO LEARN
HOW TO BE MORE SNIPER-LIKE
WITH YOUR DICK.

AND THAT'S JUST PROOF
THAT MEN RULE THE WORLD.

MEN RUN SHIT,
MEN RUN SHIT.

'CAUSE LOOK,
WHEN SOMETHING GOES
WRONG WITH THAT DICK,

THEY FIX IT
IN A MINUTE.

THEY GET THAT DICK
BACK UP AND RUNNING.

LADIES, WE'VE BEEN OUT HERE
FOR DECADES

DOING MARATHONS
AND TRYING TO RAISE MONEY

TO FIND A CURE
FOR BREAST CANCER.

A MAN HASN'T
WALKED A MILE
FOR HIS BALLS.

( audience laughing,
cheering )

RIGHT?
THEY DON'T HAVE TO.

THEY JUST FIX IT.

THEY JUST FIX IT.

AND NOT ONLY
DO THEY FIX IT,
IT'S OVERKILL.

IT IS.

ANYTIME THEY HAVE TO
GIVE YOU A WARNING--

"ERECTIONS MAY LAST
UP TO SIX HOURS."

SIX HOURS?!

SIX HOURS?!
WHY?!

SIX H-- YOU CAN WATCH
ALL THREE "LORD OF THE RINGS"
IN SIX HOURS.

SIX HOURS,
YOU CAN FLY TO L.A.
AND FUCK SOMEBODY ELSE...

IN SIX HOURS.

SIX HOURS?

YOU KNOW
WHO I FEEL SORRY FOR?

I FEEL SORRY FOR
ALL THESE LITTLE
OLD LADIES OUT THERE

WHO'VE BEEN MARRIED
FOR LIKE 50, 60 YEARS,

AND YOU KNOW
THESE LAST TWO,
THREE YEARS,

ALL THEY'VE BEEN DOING
IS JUST WAITING FOR
THAT DICK TO BREAK,

JUST WAITING.

THEY'VE JUST BEEN
WAITING FOR THAT
DICK TO DIE.

THEY'RE LIKE,
"I KNOW, OKAY,

THAT DICK, IT DON'T HAVE
THAT MUCH LIFE IN IT.

I KNOW THAT DICK...
THAT SHOULD BE DEAD
PRETTY SOON.

THAT DICK WILL...
THEN I CAN GO DO THINGS,

DO THINGS I WANNA DO,
GO ANTIQUING,

AND TAKE MY LITTLE BUS TRIPS
WITH MY LADY FRIENDS

AND PLAY THE PENNY SLOTS
FOR HOURS.

I CAN-- I CAN CLEAN OUT
THAT DRAWER IN MY NIGHTSTAND,

GET ALL THOSE LUBES
OUTTA THERE AND PUT IN
MY CROSSWORD PUZZLES.

I CAN'T WAIT.

I CAN'T WAIT."

AND ONE DAY,
THEY GET THEIR WISH.

HE TELLS HER,
"BABY, I THINK
THAT PART IS OVER."

SHE COMFORTS HIM.
"IT'S OKAY, SWEETHEART.

THERE'S MORE TO US
THAN THAT.

WE HAVE A STRONG
COMPANIONSHIP, LOVE.

THAT'S NOT JUST
WHO WE ARE.
IT'S OKAY.

I LOVE YOU.
MWAH!"

KISSES
HIS LITTLE FOREHEAD,

MAKES HIM FEEL BETTER
ABOUT HIMSELF.

AND AS SOON
AS HE LEAVES THE HOUSE,

SHE'S LIKE,
"HALLELUJAH!

THE DICK IS DEAD!"

AND SHE DOES
A LITTLE "DICK DON'T
WORK NO MORE" DANCE.

* THE DICK DON'T WORK
NO MORE *

* DICK DON'T
WORK NO MORE *

* DICK DON'T WORK
NO MORE *

* HALLELUJAH,
DICK IS DEAD *

* DICK IS DEAD,
DICK IS DEAD *

* DING DONG,
THE DICK IS DEAD *

* DICK IS DEAD,
DICK IS DEAD *

* DING DONG,
THE DICK-- DICK
IS DEAD *

* HI HO, HI HO

* THE DICK DON'T
WORK NO MORE *

( whistles )

SHE IS LOVIN' IT!

LOVIN' IT.

AND THEN HE GOES
AND GETS THAT PILL.

YOU EVER SEE
THE LITTLE OLD LADIES,

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE ALWAYS
LIKE LOOKING DOWN

AND, I GUESS,
HOLDING THEMSELVES.

THEY DON'T EVEN
GET DRESSED.

THEY JUST HAVE
A HOUSECOAT ON.

THAT'S THE LADY
WHO'S BEEN TRICKED
BY SCIENCE.

"BUT I SAW IT.
THE DICK WAS DEAD.

I SAW THAT DICK.

THAT DICK WAS DEAD, LORD.
I DON'T...

WHY ME?
WHY ME?"

THAT'S WHO I
FEEL SORRY FOR.

SEE, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
IT SHOULD BE MUTUAL.

SHE SHOULD HAVE
SOME SAY, RIGHT?

SO AT LEAST THEY
SHOULD PUT AN AGE LIMIT
ON IT, RIGHT?

THEY SHOULD.
LIKE IF YOU'RE OVER 78,

THE DOCTOR SHOULDN'T
GIVE YOU THAT PILL

UNLESS YOU GOT
A NOTE FROM THREE WOMEN
WHO WANNA FUCK YOU.

( audience laughing,
applauding )

( chuckles )

SO...
I CHANGED SOME THINGS.

I TRIED, YOU KNOW,
I TRIED TO MAKE SOME
ADJUSTMENTS.

I TRIED TO
CHANGE SOME THINGS,
YOU KNOW,

LIKE I TRIED TO
GET WAXED, YEAH.

I TRIED WAXING
FOR THE FIRST TIME, YEAH.

MY FRIEND,
SHE HAS A SPA SHE RUNS
OUT OF HER HOUSE

AND TO SUPPORT HER,
I WAS LIKE, "OOH, I'M GONNA
GET THE WHOLE SPA PACKAGE."

YOU KNOW, AND PART OF IT
WAS A BIKINI WAX.

YEAH, SO I WAS LIKE,
"OKAY, I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.
I'LL TRY IT," YOU KNOW.

AND SHE TOLD ME,
"WANDA, IT'S GONNA HURT
A LITTLE BIT."

I WAS LIKE,
"I'M TOUGH.
I GOT THAT SHIT."

SO SHE PUT THE WAX ON THERE
AND PUT THE TAPE ON THERE

AND...
( imitates whooshing )

I SMACKED THE SHIT
OUTTA HER.

YOU HEAR ME?
YOU HEAR ME?

( mimics whooshing )
"WHAT THE FUCK IS
WRONG WITH YOU?!

SHIT!
IS THIS WHAT YOU DO?

YOU JUST SIT UP
IN YOUR HOUSE AND SNATCH HAIR
OFF OF PEOPLE ALL DAY?

THIS IS
SOME SICK SHIT!"

AND THEN SHE STARTS
SMACKING IT.

I'M LIKE,
"OW! OW! OW!

BITCH,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

SHE'S LIKE, "OH,
THAT TAKES THE STING AWAY."

I WAS LIKE,
"NO, THAT FUCKING HURTS!

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT
IF I STABBED YOU AND THEN STUCK
MY FINGER IN THE HOLE?

OOH!

DON'T THAT FEEL BETTER?

SOOTHING, HUH?"

OOH, I WAS MAD.

AND THEN I WAS MAD
BECAUSE I HAD TO
LET HER FINISH.

YOU KNOW, I HAD TO LET HER--
GET HER TO EVEN
THAT SHIT OUT.

I COULDN'T HAVE
ONE SIDE WAXED AND
ONE SIDE RAZORED.

THAT SHIT DON'T MATCH.

IT WOULD HAVE FELT LIKE
SOMEBODY ELSE WAS
IN MY PANTS,

YOU KNOW, LIKE...

"MM.
HOW YOU DOIN'?"

WHOO, THAT HURT!
BOY.

AND THEN
IT GOT WORSE.

'CAUSE I THOUGHT
SHE WAS FINISHED,

AND THEN SHE GOES,
"OKAY, NOW TURN OVER."

YEAH.
I WAS LIKE, "EXCUSE ME?"

SHE SAID,
"TURN OVER. I GOTTA
GET THE BACKSIDE.

I GOTTA GET YOUR BUTT."
I WAS LIKE, "MY BUTT?

OH, THAT WON'T
BE NECESSARY.

NOTHING GOES ON
BACK THERE.

BESIDES, I LIKE IT
TO LOOK LIKE THAT

'CAUSE IT SCARES
PEOPLE AWAY.

YOU KNOW, MAKE THEM
THINK I GOT A DOG CHAINED UP
BACK THERE OR SOMETHING.

IF THEY GET CLOSE,
I EVEN GROWL A LITTLE BIT.

( growls )

SHE WAS LIKE,
"ROLL OVER, FOOL,
COME ON."

SHE WAS LIKE,
"IT WON'T HURT THAT MUCH."

I'M LIKE, "WELL,
WHAT THE FUCK.
ALL RIGHT.

A LITTLE CHANGE.
WHY NOT?"

SO I TURN OVER,
AND SHE PUT THE WAX
IN THERE,

PUT THE TAPE IN THERE...

( mimics whooshing )

EVERYTHING WENT WHITE.

AND A LITTLE BIT OF PEE
CAME OUT.

A LITTLE BIT OF PEE
CAME OUT, TOO.

( chuckles )

AND I PASSED OUT.

BUT I WASN'T OUT LONG.
I WASN'T OUT LONG.

'CAUSE WHEN I WOKE UP,
SHE WAS STILL STANDING THERE
HOLDING THE THING,

AND SHE GOES,
"ARE YOU OKAY, WANDA?"

I WAS LIKE,
"UH...

I, UH...

I THINK YOU JUST
RIPPED OUT MY ASSHOLE.

YEP, YOU HAVE
RIPPED OUT MY ASSHOLE.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

UH, DON'T THROW
THAT ONE THERE.

GIVE ME THAT BACK.
I NEED THAT ONE BACK."

SOME SICK SHIT!

I NEVER FELT PAIN
LIKE THAT BEFORE.

THAT KIND OF PAIN
SHOULD HAPPEN OUT
IN THE WILD SOMEWHERE.

I'M SAYING IT SHOULDN'T
BE HAPPENING TO HUMANS.

YOU KNOW, YOU WATCH
THOSE NATURE SHOWS,

AND YOU SEE THE LION
STALKING THE WILDEBEEST,

AND WHEN HE MAKES
THAT INITIAL BITE,
IT LOOKS SO PAINFUL--

THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKE.

I PICTURED MY ASSHOLE
RUNNING ACROSS THE SERENGETI.

I WAS LIKE,
"RUN, ASSHOLE!
RUN, ASSHOLE, RUN!

COME ON, ASSHOLE!
COME ON, ASSHOLE!

AGH!"

HOT LION TEETH
IN MY ASSHOLE.

THAT'S WHAT
IT FELT LIKE.

SHIT, I GOT
A TETANUS SHOT
WHEN I LEFT THERE,

I'M TELLING YOU.

SO I'M GETTING
MY STUFF TOGETHER,

YOU KNOW,
GETTING READY TO LEAVE,

AND I'M GETTING DRESSED,
AND SHE GOES, "WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE NOT FINISHED."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?"

AND SHE GOES,
"UH, I HAVE TO DO
YOUR FACIAL."

I WAS LIKE,
"MY FACIAL?

NOT AFTER YOU'VE BEEN
DIGGING AROUND IN MY ASS!

I DON'T WANT
YOUR ASS-Y HANDS
TOUCHING MY FACE!

YOU DON'T GO
ASS TO FACE.

YOU GO CLEAN
TO DIRTY."

( audience laughing,
cheering )

YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES AS MUCH
AS YOU TRY TO FIGHT

THE WHOLE CHANGE
AND AGING PROCESS,

SOMETIMES THINGS HAPPEN
THAT ARE JUST SO STRONG

IN YOUR FACE,
JUST SMACKS YOU
DEAD IN YOUR FACE

THAT YOU JUST
HAVE TO GO, "OKAY,
IT IS WHAT IT IS."

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
I'M COMING OUT OF THE MALL--

RIGHT, WALKING OUT
OF THE MALL, AND I'M JUST
DIGGING THROUGH MY PURSE,

JUST RIFLING
THROUGH MY BAG,

AND YOU KNOW,
I'M TALKING TO MY FRIEND,

AND SHE COULD TELL
THAT I WAS DISTRACTED.

SHE'S LIKE,
"WANDA, ARE YOU
LISTENING TO ME?"

I WAS LIKE,
"GIRL, I'M SORRY,

BUT ( clicks tongue )
I THINK I LEFT MY CELL PHONE
IN THE STORE."

THEN SHE GOES,
"OKAY WELL,

CALL ME BACK
WHEN YOU FIND IT."

MAN.

THANK YOU, D.C.!
I LOVE YOU ALL!

( audience cheering )

( R&B music playing )

* HO

* HO

* I'MA BE ME

* YEAH

* I'MA BE ME

* YEAH

* I'MA BE ME

* YEAH

* OH YEAH

* I'MA BE ME

* YEAH

* THINKIN' 'BOUT
THE CHANGES IN MY LIFE *

* EVERYTHING IS FINALLY
FEELING RIGHT *

* CHANGE IS
COMING FOR YOU *

* CHANGE IS
COMING FOR YOU *

* OH OH OH

* CHANGE IS
COMING FOR YOU *

* OH YEAH

* CHANGE IS
COMING FOR YOU *

* I'MA BE ME

WHOO!

OH!

* I'MA BE ME

* YEAH

* CHANGE IS
COMING FOR YOU, CHANGE... *