Walking to the Waterline (1998) - full transcript
Francis McGowan is a man with a purpose who instead gets side-tracked during one surreal week spent trying to figure out what he wants from a business that makes very little sense to him, a woman he's sleeping with who's not his wife, and a father who has left him to fend for himself and didn't leave a map. Francis is an out of work sit-com actor returning to his empty childhood home on the Jersey shore to deal with the aftermath of his father's death. Instead, he gets sidetracked by indecision, self-doubt, and his childhood friend, Duane Hopwood. It's about losing your bearings while finding your way.
- Well today in Atlantic
City, environmentalists
from across the northeast tackled some
of those issues, Warren Kaufman reports.
- Winds are from the
southwest, 10 to 15 knots,
sees two feet out in the
ocean, one to two feet
out in the Delaware Bay with unrestricted.
- Introducing
the latest evolution in transportation.
- In.
- Sir?
- Fledgling?
What is it?
- Got a second?
- In fact no, the
speech is in 15 minutes.
- Thank you sir, I need
to get this off my chest.
- Fine, fire away,
fledgling, but make it fast.
- Admiral Winston, I'm going
to give it to you straight.
- That's the way I like it.
- Okay, here it goes.
Just now, out by the motor
pool, Rodriguez and I discovered
your w... your w..., I can't say it sir.
- Spit it out
fledgling, I haven't got all day.
- Right sir, well,
Rodriguez and I were talking
about the party Saturday night,
when we discovered Mrs. W... Mrs. W....
- Mrs. Winston?
Well, what was Trixie
doing at the motor pool?
- Well sir, that's what I thought.
So I decided to ask if she needed any help
and that's when I
noticed who she was with.
- For goodness sake, fledgling,
if you can't make any sense,
I'll just have to go
down and see for myself.
- But sir, what about your speech?
- Hey Francis!
It's Duane, Duane Hopwood.
- Hey Duane.
- Open the door!
- Okay.
- You remember me?
- Yeah, how you doing, Duane.
- I'm good.
I saw the light in the car
and I'm sorry to wake you,
but I thought I should take a look.
- That's okay.
- You know what it's like
here in the off season.
Nobody's around.
- Sure.
- I've been watching the
house, since your dad died.
I'm really sorry to wake you up,
but so surprised to see
you, Franny, it's been what?
- Long time.
- A long time.
- Yeah.
- What are you down here for?
- I got to go through some stuff
and I was away after the funeral.
- Oh man, I'm sorry I missed that.
- Oh no, don't be.
- No, no.
I wanted to be there,
but it was in the morning
and I work til noon so.
- Where do you work?
- I'm at the Taj.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, eight years.
Not as exciting as what you do though.
- Oh, it's not that exciting.
So what do you do?
- I watch card games, 3am til noon.
- Wow, so you live next door.
- Yeah, yeah, mom and dad
built a house down in Florida
and I'm divorced now,
so I'm here for awhile.
You're married, right?
- Yeah.
- How many kids?
You dad told me, but.
- Two boys.
- Right, right.
I've got two girls.
Yeah, they're over in
Brigantine with my ex-wife.
So, how long you here for?
- A couple days, not long.
- Well listen, it's
great to see you Franny.
- You too, Duane.
- Hey, hey.
I got to run now, but I'll
pop over tomorrow sometime?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Want to see?
Want to see inside?
- You work here?
- Til 4:30.
Come on, I'll tell you all about it.
I bet you've never been inside, right?
- Right.
- Come on.
Welcome to Lucy, the elephant,
I'm your guide, Lucy.
- Lucy, the elephant, is
one of three sub-structures,
designed by James E. Lafferty.
It is the only one still in tact.
The elephant was constructed in 1881
by a Philadelphia contractor.
The reported cost of 25,000 dollars,
which at the time, was a
considerable amount of money.
Lafferty always claimed that
before the work was finished,
the cost skyrocketed to 38,000 dollars.
The outer islands of the
southern Jersey coast
are romantically entwined with legends
of pirate chieftains fighting battles
to the death on sandy beaches.
A buried treasure beneath every dune.
Of a whaler, brushing
boats, when the cry of,
there she blows, echoed
from look out stations.
Mysterious cargoes landed
in the dead of night
and were quickly gathered by horseman,
who disappeared in the deep shadows
of the pines, according to legend.
She underwent an extensive renovation
and in 1976, Lucy was declared
a national historic landmark.
- Interesting.
Thank you, you were very good.
- Well, I've done it a few times.
- No, I mean it, very
relaxed, must be hard.
- Well sometimes, in the
summer, when it's hot
and there are a lot of people in here,
10, that's the maximum,
it can get a little crazy,
but it's really not that hard.
- Did you say your name was Lucy?
- Uh-huh.
- Is that just a coincidence?
- Yeah, they couldn't believe it.
I think it helped me get the job.
What's your name?
- Francis McGowan.
- Hi Francis, Lucy Bammer.
- Hi Lucy.
- Do you live here?
- I used to, I'm just visiting.
- What are you doing here?
- Hello?
- Hi.
- Hi, how are you?
- We're fine.
Say hi to daddy.
- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, James.
- Hi, dad.
- Hi, Brian.
- Are you down at the seashore?
- Yes, I am.
- But you have to come back.
- I know, I know, I will, I promise.
- So how is it?
- Can I talk to daddy?
- It's not bad, it's a little weird.
- I don't know why
you wouldn't let me come with you.
- It's just easier, you know?
- I know, I just don't like the idea
of you down there alone.
- I'm okay.
- And I still don't know
why Deenie couldn't help.
- Because she lives in Ireland, Terry.
- I know your sister lives in Ireland,
Francis, don't bark at me.
- You know
why she couldn't come.
She came for the funeral,
she had to go home.
She's got a family, Terry.
- I know, I know, I'm
just worried about you.
- Well, don't worry about me.
It'll take a few days, I'll get a broker.
Don't worry about me.
Hey Francis.
- Oh shit.
- What?
- It's Duane.
- Who's Duane?
- He lives next door.
- And that's bad?
- Hey buddy!
- Francis?
- Dude.
- Francis?
- Hey!
- You Francis McGowan?
- Yes.
- Let's go, son.
- Francis!
What are you doing here?
- I couldn't sleep.
- You couldn't sleep?
- Nope.
- Why?
- But he wouldn't listen,
he just takes us down
and he fingerprints us
and he calls my parents.
- He fingerprints you?
- Yeah, it was terrible.
I begged the guy to let us go.
But he called my parents, he figured
I must be doing something wrong
to get arrested four times in one summer.
- So you couldn't sleep?
- Nope.
So why do you come into
work an hour early?
- Well mostly, I have to heat up Lucy
in the fall and the
winter, but the real reason
is to get away from my mother,
to get out of the house.
- You live with your mother?
- Uh-huh.
- Are you married?
- Oh no.
- No?
- Of course not.
- Why not?
- I live with my mother.
Who would want to marry me?
- I don't know, why do
you live with your mother?
- Hey, I love your show.
- Thank you.
- What did he say?
- He said, I love your show.
- Why'd he say, I love your show?
- Because I'm an actor
and he recognizes me
from a TV show I used to be on.
- You're kidding.
- Nope.
- What show?
- It was called, Anchors Away.
- I'm sorry, I don't really watch TV.
- Yeah, that's what everybody says.
- What do you mean?
- Well, when people get uncomfortable
because they have seen
it, but they don't like it
or they don't remember me in it,
they always say, I don't really watch TV
or they say it because
they don't want to seem
like they watch TV because they think
it makes them seem dumb, do you know what?
- What?
- Everybody watches TV.
And the truth is, I couldn't care less
if people ever saw the show
or remember me in it or not,
so I just wish that
everybody would stop saying,
they don't really watch TV.
- Francis?
- Yeah?
- I don't really watch TV.
- Okay.
- Want to know why?
- Why?
- Because my mother's blind
and we don't have a TV.
- Well, there goes the day.
- Be careful you don't get arrested,
sneaking through people's backyards.
- Yeah right.
- What is it with this guy?
- I don't know.
Before the other night, I hadn't seen him
since we were like 16 and my
mother always used to say,
that I should be like
Duane because Duane had
a lawn-cutting business even then
and I could barely hold down a paper route
and now, he works in a
casino from 3am til noon
and he's divorced and he
lives in his parent's house
and he thinks I'm Jack
Nicholson because I used to be
on a TV show and the
truth is, he really wants
to hang out and I'm just down here
because I have to go
through my dad's stuff
and I basically, don't
want to see anybody.
- Well then, don't.
Look, I'm sorry, but James, be quiet.
- I want to go to the playground!
- I'm sorry, I got to go.
I promised him I'd take
him to the playground
and he's driving me up a wall.
- Yup.
- Have you done anything?
- Have I done anything?
- I just mean, I think if you
can just plow through this,
you can get the hell out, James!
- I want to go to the playground.
- I'm sorry, I got to go.
- Okay.
- Look, Francis, you've
already been gone three days.
I don't have any help
and James hasn't pooped,
since before you left,
so give me a break, okay?
I'm sorry you have to do this thing.
I just think that if
you do it and come home,
you'll feel better, okay, okay, Francis?
- Turner Woods.
- Michael Woods, please.
- Hold, please.
- Michael Woods' office.
- Paul?
- Yeah?
- Francis McGowan.
- Hi Francis.
- Is Michael there?
- He's not, can I have
him get back to you?
- Yeah, I called last Thursday
and I don't know if he heard I called.
- I know, I'm sorry, he
knows, but he went to Chicago
for the weekend and he's not back yet.
- Okay well, I'm at...
- We know where you are.
- Okay Paul, thanks.
- Sure thing.
- Hey neighbor!
- Hey!
- Where you been, I keep missing you?
- I've been around.
- Where you headed?
- I was going to get some lunch.
- Fuck that, I've got sandwiches.
I'll be over in 10 minutes.
Then, she started
whining about everything.
She started whining about the schedule.
It wasn't the schedule,
the schedule was great.
Got to hang with the kids,
got to put them to bed.
Money was great, not
like what you must make,
but it worked us out,
she'll do alright now.
Was harsh, she started doing weird shit.
- Weird shit?
- Yeah, man, weird shit.
- Like what?
- She became a fucking Buddhist.
- Really?
- I shit you not.
- Why did she become a Buddhist?
- Who fucking knows, you know what I mean?
I know you were raised Catholic.
I don't know if you still are.
- Pretty much.
- Well, that's great.
No I mean it, that's great,
but as far as I can tell,
it's all a big bunch of
horseshit and I just don't know.
- Did it make her happy?
- Oh, as a fucking clam, but
it made me fucking miserable.
When she started pushing it on the kids,
I got nuts, you know what I mean?
I mean enough is e-fucking-nough.
And here's the capper,
she gets full custody.
I get every other weekend,
can you fucking believe that shit?
I told the judge, I
know I work crazy hours,
but at least, I'm not
fucking burning incense
and chanting like a fucking moron.
- Sure.
- I just want to see my kids.
- Wow, that's got to be hard.
- Oh man, it's brutal,
you know, you got kids.
Sometimes, you just got to
see them and when you can't.
So do me a favor alright?
- What?
- You going to be around
for a couple days?
- Yeah.
- Don't avoid me, okay?
Makes me feel bad.
- Okay.
- I want to hear the good
shit, you know what I mean?
- Like what?
- Like did you ever
fuck Michelle Pfeiffer,
you now what I mean?
- Duane look, I've met a bunch of people,
but the truth is, I'm
an out-of-work TV actor
and in my business, that's
kind of minor league.
- Oh fuck that, you're a star!
- No, no.
- Hey, hey.
Franny, this is Longport, New Jersey.
You're a star, I'm proud of you.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Now, to continue our discussion,
the only thing that I want
you to do is just admit to me.
- You're just so funny.
- No.
Just admit it, finally, once and for all.
- You realize that you're the only person.
- This recycling thing is a total scam.
- You are the only person
in the United States,
who is serious about the garbage.
This is the food of your life.
- We keep it separate, they
put it all in the same place.
- Why don't you broadcast
it to the neighborhood?
- I read this some place.
- You read it some place?
- It's documented in a
national news magazine.
- Why don't you write it down on a card,
in case you die in an automobile crash?
- I don't know, I've
about had it with you.
- Francis, is that you?
- Hey Fred, hey Wally.
- Hi Francis.
- We're having a crisis.
- We're not having a crisis.
- Maybe you can help.
- Sure, it's good to see you guys.
- What brings you?
- Just some odds and ends about some
of my dad's things in the house.
- Oh, of course, wow.
Is this the first time you've
been by, since the funeral?
- Yeah, I think I needed
a break after all that.
You know, Duane's been
watching the house for us.
- Oh yeah, we've been in
Italy for three weeks.
We watch the house too, but now,
we're off to New Mexico next Friday.
- No, he's fine, it's no big
deal, I'll take care of it.
- Wally doesn't like him
because he's always turning
up his car radio at full
blast, whenever that dance.
- The macarena.
- Whenever the macarena comes
on and he gets one of his...
- Fat little daughters.
- And the dance on the front
lawn with the radio blaring.
- Anybody but Duane.
Thank God we had all these trips scheduled
because otherwise.
- No, he's fine, he's
fine, it's no big deal.
I'll take care of it.
- Wally's worried about
our property value.
He's kidding, of course.
- Not kidding.
- But seriously, I hope you've gotten
your key back from him.
- Duane has a key to the house?
- Yeah, didn't you know?
- No, I knew you guys had a key.
- No, we do, but we go away so often
that your father gave Duane a key,
in case there was ever a problem.
In fact.
- Oh, Fred.
- Well no, I assumed you knew.
- Knew what?
- Your father called
Duane the night he died
and Duane luckily was there and came over
and called the ambulance, he
was with him the whole time.
- No, I didn't know that.
- Yeah, your father had
something on his phone.
A button that he could press
and it rang Duane's phone
and Duane came right over.
Yeah, it was very lucky
and Duane was there
in a matter of seconds,
he was very helpful.
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, it's true.
Now tell us, what's coming up for you?
- You mean work-wise?
- Yes, work-wise.
Did we tell you we saw your
show, when we were in Italy?
- You did.
- Dubbed in Italian?
You had this really high voice.
Tell me something, do
you get paid for that?
- Fred.
- Well, he doesn't mind?
You don't mind?
- No, I don't mind.
Yeah, they pay me.
So listen, what's your crisis?
- Crisis?
- Yeah, you said you had a crisis.
- I did?
- Jesus.
- And
making it on your own.
You know, we could ask more
than we are for this package.
Chances are we could make just as much
selling fewer tapes for more
money, but that's not the idea.
Honestly, everyone in this
great country deserves
the same shot at making it on their own.
You deserve a shot at
making it on your own.
- Morning.
- Jesus.
God, you scared me.
- Sorry.
- How did you get in here?
- I'm not sure.
- Are you alright?
- Hello?
Oh, shit.
Hello?
- Hi.
- Hi, how are you?
- Better, how are you?
- Hungover.
- Oh no.
- Oh yes.
- What time did you get up?
- About 30 seconds ago?
- Is it bad?
- I can't tell yet.
- Take it easy, don't push it.
- I won't.
- Listen, I got my mom to watch
the boys today and tomorrow
and I thought I'd drive down there,
so I can help you with everything.
- Terry?
- Yes?
- Can I call you right back?
- Francis?
- Hello,
this is Thomas McGowan.
I'm not here to take your call right now,
but if you leave a message,
I'll get right back to you.
- Francis, will you pick up?
I won't come down if you don't want me to,
but will you at least pick up?
- Hello,
this is Thomas McGowan.
I'm not here to take your call right now,
but if you leave a message,
I'll get right back to you.
- Where were you?
- Church.
- You go to church, why?
- Why?
I don't know, habit, comfort,
guilt, all the above.
- Well, I have the day off.
You want to go to the boardwalk?
- Isn't it closed?
- Mostly, but I thought
we could, you know, talk.
- You look different
without your uniform.
- I hope so.
- Your hair, I couldn't
really see it under your hat.
- You like it?
- Yeah, I like it.
- Thank you.
So, are you feeling better?
What were you thinking?
- I don't know, you get
drunk, you wander around.
It seemed like a good idea.
- Breaking into a national
historical landmark
in the middle of the night
seemed like a good idea?
- Well no, it was more, I don't know.
I was drunk, I'm sorry.
- You're lucky you didn't get arrested.
- Yeah, that's what my wife said.
- Your wife?
- Yeah, I told her I
snuck through a backyard
to avoid my next door neighbor
and she said, you're lucky
you didn't get arrested.
- I didn't know you were married.
- Two kids.
- Oh now, I feel silly.
- Why?
- Well, let's put it this way.
I didn't put on this dress and show up
at your house and invite you out just.
- Look.
- Please, it's alright.
- No, no, no, no, I'm gonna tell you,
that I'm down here because
my dad died six months ago
and I have to go through his house.
- I'm sorry about your father
and I didn't know you were married.
- Yeah.
- Maybe we should go.
- Hey, I'm not finished.
- Okay.
- The other night?
- Yes?
- I was looking for you.
Can I ask you a question?
- What do you want to know?
- Why are you?
- What?
- Here?
- You mean here as in here
or here as in tour guide at Lucy,
the elephant in Margate, New Jersey?
- That.
- I don't know.
I find there are those,
who came out of school,
who went off to be something
and are still at it
and then, there are those,
who went off to be something
and never made it, but are still trying
and then, there are
those, who never tried.
That's me.
- Are you happy?
- Right now, I am.
Can I ask you something?
You're supposed to be sorting through
your father's personal belongings
and putting this house on the market?
- Supposed to be.
- And you should be going back
to your family any day now?
- Any day.
- Then I guess, this was
sort of a one time thing.
- I don't know.
- Okay, here are my rules.
If we don't see each other again, fine,
but if we do, neither one of us is allowed
to act weird or uncomfortable.
- Fair enough.
- Okay.
Now go to confession and call me later.
- What the fuck am I doing?
- What the fuck are you doing?
- Father Duane.
Because I mean, if you want a girl.
- I don't want a girl, Duane.
- I can introduce you to about a hundred
of them at the casinos.
- No.
- I can get you a room?
- No.
- It's not a big deal.
- Thanks.
- Because these girls would suck
the crum off your exhaust pipe, Franny.
- I appreciate the offer,
Duane, but I'm fine.
- Who is this girl?
- Her name is Lucy.
She takes tickets and gives
the tour of Lucy, the elephant.
- You're kidding.
- Nope.
- Wow, Lucy, Lucy, she works at Lucy,
the elephant and her name is Lucy
and that's kind of goofy, don't you think?
- I haven't really thought about it.
- I'm sorry.
Yeah, she's cute, but if
you're going to cheat,
why don't you do it with Miss November?
- I'm not cheating.
- No?
- No.
- Then, what are you doing?
- Look, I know this is
taking a little bit longer
than I thought it would,
but I've called a broker
and I'm about to call the mover
and I'm thinking I can be out of here
by Wednesday or Thursday,
I'm sorry, hold on.
Hello?
- Francis?
- Yeah?
- I've got Michael for you.
- Oh, okay Paul, could
you hold on one second?
- Sure.
- So hi, sorry.
I'm thinking I can be out of here
by Wednesday or Thursday, fuck.
Paul?
- Yo?
- Yeah, you've got Michael?
- I had him, he had to
head into a meeting.
Sorry, can we call you back later?
- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.
Monday morning staff meeting,
he was already late, sorry.
- Paul, look, I understand, but Jesus,
I was gone 10 seconds.
I haven't spoken to
Michael in almost two weeks
and if he's not available
the split second I call,
I don't hear from him
for another three days.
It's like trying to figure
out a lunar re-entry.
- I'm sorry, are you going to be in later?
- I'm not sure.
- Alright, I'll have him call.
- Can you hold on one second?
- Never mind, I'll talk to you later.
- Okay.
- Mr. McGowan?
- Yes, hi Pam Whitman, come on in.
- Thank you.
How do I know you?
- I don't know, I grew
up here, maybe that?
- No, it can't be, I
just moved here recently.
I'm from Rhode Island.
- Never been, driven through it.
- I'm sorry, I don't mean to stare at you,
but it's like I know you.
- Well listen, what can I
tell you about the house?
- Well, why don't we just walk through it
and I'll tell you what I need to know.
- Okay, sounds great.
My sisters were back there with me
in the middle room and
my parents in the front.
It's fine for a family
of five or even six,
but it's just the one bath.
- Oh, one bath.
- Yeah, you kind of have to juggle a bit.
You can always build
another bath downstairs,
if you want to, I don't
know why we never did.
Let me show you this one.
We used the garage as storage
for a lot of my dad's things,
but you can fit two cars in here,
if you clean all this stuff out.
Plus, the apartment overhead is rentable
if they want to do that.
The roof is missing a few
shingles, but other than that,
it's fairly new, it's
not more than 10 years.
This is an outdoor shower here,
which is great in the summer.
So anyway, we'd like to move
fast, it's a nice little house
and we're willing to
negotiate a little, not much.
So is there anything else I can tell you?
- Was it Top Gun?
- Was what Top Gun?
- Did you know this island used
to be a mile and a half longer that way?
Until a series of northeasters took it?
- I did not know that.
- Didn't you ever wonder why
the last street in
Longport is called 11th?
- How did you find me?
- I went by your house.
Some lady was giving a
Japanese couple a tour.
- Did they seem interested?
- I couldn't tell.
The broker said, you might
go down by the water.
- Yeah, I told her I'd clear out
for a couple of hours or so.
So don't you have work today?
- I called in sick.
- What's wrong?
- What do you want to do?
- About this?
- No, I was remembering how much we used
to say that, when I lived
here when I was a kid.
What do you want to do?
I don't know, what do you want to do?
Kept thinking I was missing something.
That other people somewhere else
were doing the things
that I should be doing,
while I sat around asking,
what do you want to do?
I still feel that way sometimes, you know?
- Like right now?
- Right now?
- Yeah, are you feeling
that way right now?
It's not a trick question.
- Do I feel like I'm missing something?
- Yes.
- Not really.
- Do you feel like you've found something?
- Lucy, I understand if you want
to talk about this, but what's the point?
- Yeah, you're probably
right, we should just fuck.
- That's not what I meant.
- I guess I'm just feeling a bit
of a time crunch here, you know?
In a normal situation, we could delay
our first fight for
weeks, maybe even months,
but today's Monday and you leave when?
- You know when I first
started dating my wife,
I was getting drunk a lot and one day,
she invited me up to her parent's house
in the country to spend the day
and swim in the pool
and get out of the city
and I got drunk the night before
and I showed up a few hours late
because I missed the train
and I felt guilty about it,
but it really surprised me
when she called me on it.
I thought, I don't need this.
I hardly know this girl and I'm hungover
and I'm standing in her parent's kitchen
and she's already yelling at me.
I remember thinking, I can apologize
or I can get on the train.
- What did you do?
- I apologized.
- Why?
- She was right.
Want to dance?
- Oh God.
- Come on.
Would you stay here tonight?
- If you want me to.
- I want you to.
What about your mother?
- She'll be fine.
- What did you tell her?
- That I was having an
affair with an actor,
who used to be on a TV show.
- What did she say?
- What show?
- Excuse me, excuse me, is Lucy here?
- You're looking at her, pal.
- No, I mean Lucy, who works here.
She ain't hired today.
- She's not?
I thought that she would be here.
- I guess not, you want the tour?
- No thanks, I've heard it.
- Oh, why don't you
let me practice on you.
Nobody's been by yet, so I haven't had
a chance to do the speech.
- No thanks.
- Oh come on, I won't charge you.
I got a busload of kids coming at noon.
I've been doing it all morning,
but it ain't the same thing.
- No, I got to go.
- Come on, you don't
even have to go inside.
Look, I'm freaking out here,
just let me do the speech.
Look, I belong to this temp agency, okay?
Usually, I do construction
or janitor work,
but they called me at
eight o'clock this morning
because somebody here got fired.
- They fired somebody?
- Yeah, so I've been standing
next to this fucking elephant
talking to myself all morning.
Let me do the speech.
- I got to go.
- Lucy, the elephant was built
by James E. Lafferty in 1886.
The lumber of four innards
and the sheet metal
for a hide cost 38,000 dollars.
James E. Lafferty built three elephants.
One in Cape May washed away
in 1880, 1880, shit, 1886,
yeah, and the one in Coney Island
was moved back several hundred feet!
A million pieces of lumber were used!
She is 16 fucking five
feet tall and 80 feet
in circumference, you bastard!
- Hey neighbor, where
you bee, I stopped by.
- No work?
- Day off.
You got a couple hours?
- I really got to get
moving on some things.
- Yeah, I saw the broker.
She had a couple Indians in there.
- She was showing the
house, while I was out.
- Yeah, listen Franny,
I know you got to sell
and everything, but do us
all a big favor, will you?
- What?
- No Indians please, we
would very much appreciate.
- I told her to call me,
before she shows the house.
- Neighbor will go crazy if
you sell to Indian peoples.
Plus Laverne and Shirley would
never speak to you again.
- Laverne and Shirley?
- Next door.
- Oh you mean Wally and Fred?
- The happy couple.
Why don't you talk to the
broker, she's still inside.
- Think I will.
Hello?
- Hi, I'm measuring for closets.
We have interest from this
really lovely couple I showed it
to this morning, but they're
a little bit concerned
about your lack of closets.
- I didn't expect you.
- No, I called, but you weren't here
and this couple was really
anxious to see the house,
so I used the key you gave
me, I hope that's okay.
- Yeah, I guess that's okay.
I just really like to know
when somebody's in my father's house.
- Oh yeah sure, it's just that if you want
to sell quickly, I might
need a little leeway
to show in the spur of the moment.
You still want to move fast right?
- Yeah, yeah I do.
- Well, I would also like to suggest
that we should move on the furniture
and the rest of your
father's personal belongings
and if I can solve this closet problem,
I think we might get
an offer and I noticed
that you haven't really cleaned
out your father's clothes.
I can put you in touch with a
consignment shop, right here
in town and they can take
all of this stuff for you.
They don't give hardly anything for it.
- Please, don't touch that.
- Excuse me?
- That's my father's coat,
please don't touch that.
- Mr. McGowan, do we have a problem?
- Yeah, I guess I'm not
thrilled you showed the house
without contacting me first
and I'd really appreciate it
if you don't touch my father's things.
- Mr. McGowan, I have
been a broker for 17 years
and I have seen this
type of situation before.
I know how you're feeling,
but if you let me help.
- You can help, just contact
me before showing the house
and don't touch my father's
things, that's all.
- I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me.
You're welcome to find another broker.
Excuse me, I have houses to sell.
By the way, I was not a fan of your show.
- Hey Duane?
- Yo.
- Looks like I got a couple of hours.
What do you want to do?
Man, these are
great, where'd you get these?
- Bought them for my girls.
- Really, your girls wanted
electric dune buggy race cars?
- No, I did.
But I knew the Buddhist
wouldn't go for it,
so I said I was buying them for the girls.
- Smart.
- You learn.
Yeah, it's been good
having you around, Franny.
- Yeah, I sort of been enjoying it myself.
- I know you got a life and
you're a big swinging dick
in Hollywood and everything.
- Duane.
- You know what I mean.
You got things to do, you
got to sell the house,
got to get back to wife and kids,
you got to be in a movie with Ashley Judd.
- You think she's a good actress?
- Jesus, who cares?
- Yeah.
- Anyway, right now, it's
been good having you around.
- Yeah, you never know, I may stay awhile.
- What for?
- I don't know.
- For this Lucy girl?
- I don't know, maybe.
- Franny?
- Yeah?
- Could I tell you something?
- Sure.
- That's a really bad idea.
- Yeah?
- Michael Woods?
- This is Michael.
- Michael, Francis McGowan.
- Hey bub, what's up?
- Nothing much, down at my father's house
for a few days, tying up some loose ends.
- Uh-Huh.
- And I was wondering
if you heard I called.
- Oh yeah, I did, sorry I was out of town.
- No problem, I was just wondering
if there was anything on the horizon.
- No, it's dead right now.
It should pick up in about a month or so.
- Yeah, you keep telling me it's dead.
- Well, it is, look,
to tell you the truth,
I'm on my way out, Francis.
The only reason I picked up the phone
was I let Paul go early.
- But you seem very busy.
- What?
- It's just, why do you
keep telling me it's slow,
if you're so busy, what are you doing?
- Well, I'm covering my clients, Francis.
I'm doing my job.
- But I'm not working.
- No, you're not.
- Why not?
- Because you're not hot.
You're a good actor,
but the series is over
and you're just not hot.
I'm sorry, but you asked.
- I'm not hot.
- Nope.
- Sounds like a death sentence.
Mr. McGowan, we the
jury, find you not hot.
- I really got to run, Francis.
- Michael?
- Yeah?
- Hello?
- We won't stay.
We just wanted to share
some fabulous sticky buns.
We found them on our weekend in Cape May.
- No, come in, come in,
how was the weekend?
- Depressing, here.
- Come on in, Wally.
- No, no, it's inconvenient,
Fred, come on, let's go.
- No, come on in, please, have a seat.
Wow, these look great,
let me get some plates.
You want some tea?
- Decaf?
- Jesus.
- No, I've got decaf instant coffee.
- That's fine.
- Wally?
- Nothing.
- So why was Cape May depressing?
- Have you ever been to Cape May?
- Once.
- Wally loves it because
of the architecture.
- I don't love it.
- But if I see one more Victorian house,
I am going to kill myself.
- Coffee in a minute.
- Plus we were there
to visit Wally's uncle,
Edward, whose 92, so you've got all these
old Victorian house and
old Victorian Edward
and I just found it depressing,
but enough about us,
we want to know who this Lucy person is.
- Fred.
- Who we saw traipsing out
of this house this morning.
- How do you know her name?
- Duane told me.
- The only reason I'm
asking is we saw her leave
this morning, very early
and it struck us as odd.
I hope you don't mind,
we would never intrude,
but we do watch your father's house
and here's this total stranger walking
out the door at 6:15 in the morning.
- Well, what can I say,
Fred, she's a friend.
- Oh fine then, she's a friend
and she's cute as a button.
- Will you stop?
- Well, she is.
- So you say, Duane told you her name.
- Yeah, I went off for milk and saw Duane
and I asked him if he'd
seen her and he said yes,
and that you told him
that her name was Lucy.
So anyway, did we tell you that we saw
your show, when we were in Italy?
- You told him already.
- I did?
- You did.
- Look guys, I don't mind if you ask,
but I would really appreciate it
if you wouldn't mention it to anybody.
- Oh God, of course not, Francis.
We were concerned because it was so early
and we'd never seen her before.
Of course we won't say a word.
Is everything alright?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
- Lucy.
- Hi Francis.
- How are you?
- Just bitching, you?
- I'm a mess.
- I guess you must be.
I got fired.
- I know.
I went looking for you this morning
and I met your replacement,
you were much better.
- My mother said they wanted me
to call them and when I did, they fire me.
- I worked there almost three years.
I missed two days and they fired me.
- I'm sorry, Lucy.
- What did you do today?
- I looked for you.
- Really?
Here I am.
- Here you are.
- I wasn't sneaking out,
I had to go to work.
- I know.
- That's not true.
I was awake all night.
- I knew it would be uncomfortable.
It's a single.
- It wasn't that.
I just felt I didn't belong.
I know it's a stupid thing and
I know I should know better
and I know you don't, how could you?
You're married and you have two children
and you have this life and career.
You're real and I live with my mother
and I spend all my time in this place.
I've never really gone anywhere.
I had this silly job
and now, I have nothing.
I'm a pretend person and that's the truth.
- But you're smart and you're pretty
and you're still young.
Why don't you just go?
- Where?
- Our off season rate
is 85 dollars a night
And that includes breakfast,
which is served either
in your room or in our
dining room downstairs.
Now, you will be in the Egret Suite.
The White Cat Room is a little bit larger,
but your room has the better view.
- I'm sure it'll be fine.
- Terrific and if I can just
get your name, Mr. and Mrs.?
- Binder.
- Bammer.
- And how will you be paying today, Mr.
and Mrs. Binder-Bammer, cash or charge?
- Cash.
- 85?
- Yes.
We also have herbal teas
for you in the morning.
I know a lot of ladies like
that, scones, what have you.
- Okay, here you go,
enjoy your stay, folks.
- Thank you.
- Oh, this is nice.
What's an egret?
- I believe it's a type of heron.
- What's a heron?
- Water fowl, it's a bird.
- I bet you've done this
a million times before.
- No, Mrs. Binder-Bammer,
I've never done this.
- I am so sorry, I didn't think
you'd want to use your real name.
- Don't worry.
- I am so nervous.
- Lucy?
- Yes?
- Relax.
- Okay.
- It's just me, your loving
husband, Bob Binder-Bammer.
- You ran from California to New York
and now, you're running from
New York to here, right?
- I thought about that.
Maybe I'm having a break down.
- Think so?
- Well, let's see.
I'm sitting at a lighthouse in Cape May,
New Jersey in October, I'm
enjoying a little getaway
with a woman I met a week ago,
while my wife and kids wonder where I am.
- You think what we're doing is wrong?
- It's more like I've stepped
into another dimension.
I don't know, I don't know.
- It's funny what can happen,
when you let your guard down.
- I had a definite purpose,
when I came down here.
Three or four days, but
now, I'm just drifting.
- What will you say to your wife?
- Probably nothing.
- Do you love her?
- Yes.
- Hi.
- Afternoon.
- How was the walking tour?
- It was great, we enjoyed
it, lots of houses.
- Well, that's what we're famous for.
Hey Mr. Binder-Bammer?
- Yeah?
- Would you sign our guestbook for us?
- Sure, be right there.
- Do me a big favor, would
you sign your real name?
- Busted.
- It's my favorite show.
- Really?
- I swear to God.
I could not believe it,
when you walked in here.
Why'd they take that off?
- I don't know.
- What are you doing now?
- I've got a couple of films coming out
in the next month or so.
- Oh yeah, what are they called?
- One is called Macarena Duane.
- Macarena Duane, what's that about?
- It's a comedy.
They might change the title,
sometimes they do that.
Look, would you mind if I
don't sign your guestbook.
I'd be happy to sign something else.
- Oh, oh yeah, sure, I
understand, incognito.
- Thanks, who should I make it out to?
- To Anthony.
- Okay.
- Oh, this is fantastic.
Nobody is going to believe
that you came in here
and if you need anything else,
anything, just let me know, okay?
- Thanks Anthony, I appreciate it.
- Alright.
- See you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Alright thanks.
- Would you do me a big favor, Anthony?
- Sure.
- Would you not mention this to anyone?
I know it sounds silly,
but Mrs. Binder-Bammer?
- Yeah?
- Is not Mrs. Binder-Bammer.
- Oh, she's not.
- No, she's not.
- How disappointing.
- Excuse me?
- I find that disappointing.
Your show is a nice family
show, I liked it so much.
- Well, thanks.
- It might not be popular in some places,
but this is a pretty conservative town.
We got some old fashioned
laws in the books here,
such as the unlawful use
of a public boarding house
for the purposes of
adultery or prostitution.
- Uh-Huh.
- And since I also happen
to be a police officer.
- Are you making this up?
- I'm sorry.
- You're making this up, right?
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, man.
- I had to, I had to, it's me.
Yeah, you should have seen
your face, you're like, oh.
It's me, see, I want
to be a stand up comic
and when you just set me up like that.
- Wow.
- Sorry dude, I really am.
I am a big fan you know,
but I just love to improv.
In fact, I'm going up
to casinos next week,
they got a second city group up there
and they're going to be
auditioning for new talent.
- Well, you got my vote, you
scared the shit out of me.
- Oh, that's so cool, I had you going.
Oh man, hey listen, let
me ask you a question.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
I think I'm a funny guy
and all, but I really
would like to break into sitcoms.
Only thing is, I don't
know anything about acting.
- I think you fit right in.
- Yeah, so you think
that this stand up thing,
the improv comedy.
- I think you should give it a try.
- Unbelievable man,
Francis McGowan, right?
- Right.
- Oh hey.
There's a comedy club
in the next town over
and I'm going to be appearing
there tomorrow night at 9:45
and I don't know if you're
still going to be around,
but I'm pretty sure I can
get the cover waived for you
and your friend to get in.
You'll probably get recognized though,
but you should come anyway.
Joe Piscopo is headlining.
- Bob?
- Bob, I love it.
- Forget it.
- What's going on?
- Well, good luck Anthony?
- Okay, great meeting you Bob and hey,
don't forget 9:45, tomorrow
night, if you're interested?
- Alright.
- Okay?
- Thanks.
- Take care now.
I'm a genius, thank you very
much, I am a freaking genius!
- What?
- No.
I was just thinking, it must
be really weird for you.
- Sometimes.
People think they know you.
I'm beginning to think
the Indians were right.
- About what?
- You know that thing about the Indians
believing that if they
had their picture taken.
- It took their soul,
yes, I read that once.
- I'm beginning to think
that if you've been
on a TV show, you lose something.
I'm not saying, what am I saying?
I'm not saying I'm gonna
end up forcibly relocating
to a reservation somewhere
with Bob Denver or anything.
It's definitely a deal with the devil.
- That's your bargain.
- Right?
Full of shit?
- No, a little.
- Okay why?
- The Indians didn't get paid.
- Nope, they didn't.
I hope it's okay that we
didn't stay overnight.
It was just a little too
strange with that guy.
- I know.
- I don't want you to feel.
- Like a whore?
- No.
I just know that we
planned to stay overnight.
I planned to stay.
- Don't worry, Francis.
- He always used to say, just put me
out with the heavy trash.
He had a wisecrack for
everything, even that.
- Seems healthy to me.
- They were fatalists, both of them.
My mother used to take me by the hands,
when I was 10 or 11 and she'd
say, now, if your father
and I should drop dead,
here's what you do.
You sure this is okay?
- It's fine, Francis.
You talk to your father,
I'll wait in the car.
- Hey pop, it's me.
That was Lucy, she's a good friend.
I came down here to take care of things,
to take care of you, but I can't.
It's too hard.
- Oh, here's Francis.
I'm just going to say hello.
Hi there.
- Hey Fred.
- Is that Lucy?
- Jesus Christ, that's Lucy.
- Hi Lucy.
- Hi Fred.
- We're decorating,
Wally loves pumpkin pie.
I hate it, but he loves to eat it.
You dry them out and they're delicious.
We'll bring some over.
Pumpkin's so big we couldn't
possibly eat it all ourselves.
So where you been?
- Cape May.
- Oh, you went.
- Lucy.
- What?
- I don't know if Francis told you.
We were just there.
We haven't really met, I'm Fred Blumquist.
- Lucy Bammer, Hi Fred.
- Hi Lucy.
We were just there.
Did you see the houses?
- Every single one.
- Oh, I know, it's too
much, a little maybe.
Looks you stayed the night.
- No, we didn't.
We were going to, but
Francis met a demented fan.
- Lucy.
- What?
- Could we go inside?
- Why?
Does this make you uncomfortable?
- Of course this makes
me fucking uncomfortable.
- Nice to meet you, Fred.
- I'm sorry Fred, I gotta go.
Lucy, Lucy, will you stop?
- What do you want?
- I want you to stop running away.
- Oh, you want me to stop running away.
- Would you just stop?
Now look, I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to embarrass you,
but don't you understand,
this guy is my neighbor.
- He's not your neighbor, Francis.
He's your father's neighbor
and your father is dead.
You come down here and you let this happen
and you expect me to
hide from the neighbors
and then, be there for
you when you want me
and when you need me, until
you decide you had enough.
What am I supposed to do,
what am I supposed to do?
- Oh hey, hi there.
- Morning.
- Yeah hi, morning.
Say I saw that episode,
where you got promoted.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, you know the one I mean?
- Sort of, we did a lot of them.
- Yeah, well you get
promoted and they throw
a surprise party and invite your mother.
- Oh yeah.
- Was that Ruth Buzzi?
- Yeah, it was.
- Yeah, I thought that was
her, that was a funny one.
- What do you got there?
- Huh?
- What do you got there?
- Oh, oh nothing, nothing here.
You got a family young man?
- Yes, a wife and two sons.
- Oh, that's beautiful.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
They must be real proud of you.
- I hope so.
- I'm sure they are.
Well, if I don't see you
again, the best of luck to you.
- Thank you.
- Don't worry, I'll keep watching.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Wow, getting out of Dodge, huh?
- Yeah, it's time.
Going to work?
- Yup.
- You like working in a casino?
- Nah, it sucks, but this is
pretty much a one horse town.
- How you doing great Duane?
And you look fabulous in that tux.
- You're full of shit.
What's your hurry?
- I got to do this quick and get out
or I won't do it at all.
- Did you get another broker?
- Same one.
- How'd you do that?
- I begged.
- What about the girl?
- She took off.
Plus you're right, it's not
a good idea, I gotta go home.
- Are you going to be around tomorrow.
- Yeah, I got a truck coming at noon
to take all the furniture.
I'm going to keep a few things,
but most everything else is gonna go.
- Well, I'll see you then.
- Duane?
- Yeah?
- You got a minute?
- Yeah, I got a couple minutes.
- I wanted to ask you,
Fred told me you were
with my father the night he died.
- Yeah, I was.
- Could you tell me what happened?
- Sure.
He called up about 1:30 in
the morning and asked me
to come over, so I let myself
in, I found him in his room.
He was on the floor next to his bed.
I think he tried to stand
up, but he couldn't.
So, I called the
paramedics and just stayed
with him until they came, it
was less than five minutes.
- Did he say anything?
- He just kept saying
that he felt very weak
and then, the paramedics
came and they took his vitals
and they tried to start an IV,
but that had a bit of trouble with that.
They cleaned all that up,
after they took him to the hospital.
- So, he didn't die here?
- No.
He died on the way to the hospital.
It was fast, Franny, I
don't think he suffered.
- Jeez, I hope not.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- I gotta go.
- Thanks Duane.
- Sure thing.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah?
- Mover!
- Oh fuck.
Just a minute.
Hey, you little early?
- You said noon?
- Yeah.
- It's 1:30.
- Where's your other guy?
- There ain't no other guy.
- What do you mean there
ain't no other guy?
- Just what I said, ain't no other guy.
You just got boxes, right?
- No, it's a whole house.
I packed everything, but
there's furniture, it's a house.
- Can I use your phone?
- What's up?
- Man said, you said boxes only.
Everybody else is out on other jobs,
next earliest is Tuesday.
- Next Tuesday?
- That's what the man said.
- Look it's a small house.
- Don't matter if it's a doll house.
You know what I'm saying?
- How about if I be your helper?
- Forget that, you
should wait til Tuesday.
- Hold up, hold up, alright, look.
I have to clean this house out today.
- It ain't going to happen,
homes, you said boxes.
- What's your name?
- Marshall.
- Look Marshall, how much would it take
for you to do this job with
me today as your helper?
- How much you got?
Can't be much, you ain't
even got shoes, man.
- How about you do it with
me for an extra 100 bucks.
- On top of your original
fee, plus a healthy tip?
- Yeah.
- Get your shoes on.
- That's the original fee,
that's the tip and that's the extra 100.
- Alright then.
- So all the clothing goes to Franklin.
- Franklin Clothing and Ocean City.
I know man, you told
me five times already.
- And everything else.
- I got it, I got it.
Don't worry about man, it's
done, everything else is easy.
- Easy, huh?
- Nothing left to lift, except your ass
into your car and drive out of here.
What you asking for this house?
- You interested?
- No, no, I got a cousin
looking for a house.
You got any black folks coming by?
- No, but there's going to be
a nice Indian family real soon.
- You mean like Sikhs?
- I think so.
- Oh man, you gotta watch them Sikhs.
They're crazy.
- Marshall, thanks.
You saved my ass.
- Did you sign the paperwork?
- I did.
- Alright then, I'm gone.
- Hey, I'll be heading
out in another hour or so,
I just need to check on
a couple more things.
Oh, somebody's at the
door, I'll be home tonight.
Oh hi, I thought it was Duane.
- It's me, can I come inside?
- Sure.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah, I got motivated.
- Is everything gone?
- Everything, except me.
- Weren't you going to say goodbye?
- I didn't think you'd want me to.
- Oh, well I brought you something.
- Lucy, you didn't have
to bring me a present.
- No, I wanted to, here.
- This is beautiful, Lucy.
I don't have anything for you.
- Can I have a hug?
- Wait.
This is a picture of me and my father,
when I was very young.
- It's a wonderful picture.
- And this is my father's
coat, I gave him this coat.
- Are you trying to give
these things to me, Francis?
- I'd like you to have it,
it's not a regular present,
but it means a lot to me.
- You should keep this.
- I want you to have it.
- Francis, I don't want
your father's coat.
♫ I have drifted down a
ways along the shoreline
♫ I just watched these ropes give way
♫ Where they were tied
♫ I could have reached out quick
♫ When the ropes first slipped
♫ If I had tried
♫ But I was wondering
♫ Where the wind was trying to take me
♫ Overnight if I never did resist and
♫ What strange breezes
make a sailor want to
♫ Let it come to this
♫ With lines untied
♫ Slipping through my fist
♫ Slipping through my fist
♫ It is downhill all the way to the ocean
♫ So of course the river
always wants to flow
♫ The river's been here longer
♫ It's older and stronger
and knows where to go
♫ Guess I'm wondering where the river's
♫ Trying to take me
♫ Overnight if I never did resist and
♫ What strange breezes
make a sailor want to
♫ Let it come to this
♫ With lines untied
♫ Slipping through my fist
♫ This is where I played as a baby
♫ This is where I ran as a child
♫ This is where my dad
took the last breath he had
♫ And smiled
♫ So I'm wondering
♫ Where this place is trying to take me
♫ Overnight if I never did resist and
♫ What strange breezes
make a sailor want to
♫ Let it come to this
♫ With lines untied
♫ Slipping through my fist
City, environmentalists
from across the northeast tackled some
of those issues, Warren Kaufman reports.
- Winds are from the
southwest, 10 to 15 knots,
sees two feet out in the
ocean, one to two feet
out in the Delaware Bay with unrestricted.
- Introducing
the latest evolution in transportation.
- In.
- Sir?
- Fledgling?
What is it?
- Got a second?
- In fact no, the
speech is in 15 minutes.
- Thank you sir, I need
to get this off my chest.
- Fine, fire away,
fledgling, but make it fast.
- Admiral Winston, I'm going
to give it to you straight.
- That's the way I like it.
- Okay, here it goes.
Just now, out by the motor
pool, Rodriguez and I discovered
your w... your w..., I can't say it sir.
- Spit it out
fledgling, I haven't got all day.
- Right sir, well,
Rodriguez and I were talking
about the party Saturday night,
when we discovered Mrs. W... Mrs. W....
- Mrs. Winston?
Well, what was Trixie
doing at the motor pool?
- Well sir, that's what I thought.
So I decided to ask if she needed any help
and that's when I
noticed who she was with.
- For goodness sake, fledgling,
if you can't make any sense,
I'll just have to go
down and see for myself.
- But sir, what about your speech?
- Hey Francis!
It's Duane, Duane Hopwood.
- Hey Duane.
- Open the door!
- Okay.
- You remember me?
- Yeah, how you doing, Duane.
- I'm good.
I saw the light in the car
and I'm sorry to wake you,
but I thought I should take a look.
- That's okay.
- You know what it's like
here in the off season.
Nobody's around.
- Sure.
- I've been watching the
house, since your dad died.
I'm really sorry to wake you up,
but so surprised to see
you, Franny, it's been what?
- Long time.
- A long time.
- Yeah.
- What are you down here for?
- I got to go through some stuff
and I was away after the funeral.
- Oh man, I'm sorry I missed that.
- Oh no, don't be.
- No, no.
I wanted to be there,
but it was in the morning
and I work til noon so.
- Where do you work?
- I'm at the Taj.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, eight years.
Not as exciting as what you do though.
- Oh, it's not that exciting.
So what do you do?
- I watch card games, 3am til noon.
- Wow, so you live next door.
- Yeah, yeah, mom and dad
built a house down in Florida
and I'm divorced now,
so I'm here for awhile.
You're married, right?
- Yeah.
- How many kids?
You dad told me, but.
- Two boys.
- Right, right.
I've got two girls.
Yeah, they're over in
Brigantine with my ex-wife.
So, how long you here for?
- A couple days, not long.
- Well listen, it's
great to see you Franny.
- You too, Duane.
- Hey, hey.
I got to run now, but I'll
pop over tomorrow sometime?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Want to see?
Want to see inside?
- You work here?
- Til 4:30.
Come on, I'll tell you all about it.
I bet you've never been inside, right?
- Right.
- Come on.
Welcome to Lucy, the elephant,
I'm your guide, Lucy.
- Lucy, the elephant, is
one of three sub-structures,
designed by James E. Lafferty.
It is the only one still in tact.
The elephant was constructed in 1881
by a Philadelphia contractor.
The reported cost of 25,000 dollars,
which at the time, was a
considerable amount of money.
Lafferty always claimed that
before the work was finished,
the cost skyrocketed to 38,000 dollars.
The outer islands of the
southern Jersey coast
are romantically entwined with legends
of pirate chieftains fighting battles
to the death on sandy beaches.
A buried treasure beneath every dune.
Of a whaler, brushing
boats, when the cry of,
there she blows, echoed
from look out stations.
Mysterious cargoes landed
in the dead of night
and were quickly gathered by horseman,
who disappeared in the deep shadows
of the pines, according to legend.
She underwent an extensive renovation
and in 1976, Lucy was declared
a national historic landmark.
- Interesting.
Thank you, you were very good.
- Well, I've done it a few times.
- No, I mean it, very
relaxed, must be hard.
- Well sometimes, in the
summer, when it's hot
and there are a lot of people in here,
10, that's the maximum,
it can get a little crazy,
but it's really not that hard.
- Did you say your name was Lucy?
- Uh-huh.
- Is that just a coincidence?
- Yeah, they couldn't believe it.
I think it helped me get the job.
What's your name?
- Francis McGowan.
- Hi Francis, Lucy Bammer.
- Hi Lucy.
- Do you live here?
- I used to, I'm just visiting.
- What are you doing here?
- Hello?
- Hi.
- Hi, how are you?
- We're fine.
Say hi to daddy.
- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, James.
- Hi, dad.
- Hi, Brian.
- Are you down at the seashore?
- Yes, I am.
- But you have to come back.
- I know, I know, I will, I promise.
- So how is it?
- Can I talk to daddy?
- It's not bad, it's a little weird.
- I don't know why
you wouldn't let me come with you.
- It's just easier, you know?
- I know, I just don't like the idea
of you down there alone.
- I'm okay.
- And I still don't know
why Deenie couldn't help.
- Because she lives in Ireland, Terry.
- I know your sister lives in Ireland,
Francis, don't bark at me.
- You know
why she couldn't come.
She came for the funeral,
she had to go home.
She's got a family, Terry.
- I know, I know, I'm
just worried about you.
- Well, don't worry about me.
It'll take a few days, I'll get a broker.
Don't worry about me.
Hey Francis.
- Oh shit.
- What?
- It's Duane.
- Who's Duane?
- He lives next door.
- And that's bad?
- Hey buddy!
- Francis?
- Dude.
- Francis?
- Hey!
- You Francis McGowan?
- Yes.
- Let's go, son.
- Francis!
What are you doing here?
- I couldn't sleep.
- You couldn't sleep?
- Nope.
- Why?
- But he wouldn't listen,
he just takes us down
and he fingerprints us
and he calls my parents.
- He fingerprints you?
- Yeah, it was terrible.
I begged the guy to let us go.
But he called my parents, he figured
I must be doing something wrong
to get arrested four times in one summer.
- So you couldn't sleep?
- Nope.
So why do you come into
work an hour early?
- Well mostly, I have to heat up Lucy
in the fall and the
winter, but the real reason
is to get away from my mother,
to get out of the house.
- You live with your mother?
- Uh-huh.
- Are you married?
- Oh no.
- No?
- Of course not.
- Why not?
- I live with my mother.
Who would want to marry me?
- I don't know, why do
you live with your mother?
- Hey, I love your show.
- Thank you.
- What did he say?
- He said, I love your show.
- Why'd he say, I love your show?
- Because I'm an actor
and he recognizes me
from a TV show I used to be on.
- You're kidding.
- Nope.
- What show?
- It was called, Anchors Away.
- I'm sorry, I don't really watch TV.
- Yeah, that's what everybody says.
- What do you mean?
- Well, when people get uncomfortable
because they have seen
it, but they don't like it
or they don't remember me in it,
they always say, I don't really watch TV
or they say it because
they don't want to seem
like they watch TV because they think
it makes them seem dumb, do you know what?
- What?
- Everybody watches TV.
And the truth is, I couldn't care less
if people ever saw the show
or remember me in it or not,
so I just wish that
everybody would stop saying,
they don't really watch TV.
- Francis?
- Yeah?
- I don't really watch TV.
- Okay.
- Want to know why?
- Why?
- Because my mother's blind
and we don't have a TV.
- Well, there goes the day.
- Be careful you don't get arrested,
sneaking through people's backyards.
- Yeah right.
- What is it with this guy?
- I don't know.
Before the other night, I hadn't seen him
since we were like 16 and my
mother always used to say,
that I should be like
Duane because Duane had
a lawn-cutting business even then
and I could barely hold down a paper route
and now, he works in a
casino from 3am til noon
and he's divorced and he
lives in his parent's house
and he thinks I'm Jack
Nicholson because I used to be
on a TV show and the
truth is, he really wants
to hang out and I'm just down here
because I have to go
through my dad's stuff
and I basically, don't
want to see anybody.
- Well then, don't.
Look, I'm sorry, but James, be quiet.
- I want to go to the playground!
- I'm sorry, I got to go.
I promised him I'd take
him to the playground
and he's driving me up a wall.
- Yup.
- Have you done anything?
- Have I done anything?
- I just mean, I think if you
can just plow through this,
you can get the hell out, James!
- I want to go to the playground.
- I'm sorry, I got to go.
- Okay.
- Look, Francis, you've
already been gone three days.
I don't have any help
and James hasn't pooped,
since before you left,
so give me a break, okay?
I'm sorry you have to do this thing.
I just think that if
you do it and come home,
you'll feel better, okay, okay, Francis?
- Turner Woods.
- Michael Woods, please.
- Hold, please.
- Michael Woods' office.
- Paul?
- Yeah?
- Francis McGowan.
- Hi Francis.
- Is Michael there?
- He's not, can I have
him get back to you?
- Yeah, I called last Thursday
and I don't know if he heard I called.
- I know, I'm sorry, he
knows, but he went to Chicago
for the weekend and he's not back yet.
- Okay well, I'm at...
- We know where you are.
- Okay Paul, thanks.
- Sure thing.
- Hey neighbor!
- Hey!
- Where you been, I keep missing you?
- I've been around.
- Where you headed?
- I was going to get some lunch.
- Fuck that, I've got sandwiches.
I'll be over in 10 minutes.
Then, she started
whining about everything.
She started whining about the schedule.
It wasn't the schedule,
the schedule was great.
Got to hang with the kids,
got to put them to bed.
Money was great, not
like what you must make,
but it worked us out,
she'll do alright now.
Was harsh, she started doing weird shit.
- Weird shit?
- Yeah, man, weird shit.
- Like what?
- She became a fucking Buddhist.
- Really?
- I shit you not.
- Why did she become a Buddhist?
- Who fucking knows, you know what I mean?
I know you were raised Catholic.
I don't know if you still are.
- Pretty much.
- Well, that's great.
No I mean it, that's great,
but as far as I can tell,
it's all a big bunch of
horseshit and I just don't know.
- Did it make her happy?
- Oh, as a fucking clam, but
it made me fucking miserable.
When she started pushing it on the kids,
I got nuts, you know what I mean?
I mean enough is e-fucking-nough.
And here's the capper,
she gets full custody.
I get every other weekend,
can you fucking believe that shit?
I told the judge, I
know I work crazy hours,
but at least, I'm not
fucking burning incense
and chanting like a fucking moron.
- Sure.
- I just want to see my kids.
- Wow, that's got to be hard.
- Oh man, it's brutal,
you know, you got kids.
Sometimes, you just got to
see them and when you can't.
So do me a favor alright?
- What?
- You going to be around
for a couple days?
- Yeah.
- Don't avoid me, okay?
Makes me feel bad.
- Okay.
- I want to hear the good
shit, you know what I mean?
- Like what?
- Like did you ever
fuck Michelle Pfeiffer,
you now what I mean?
- Duane look, I've met a bunch of people,
but the truth is, I'm
an out-of-work TV actor
and in my business, that's
kind of minor league.
- Oh fuck that, you're a star!
- No, no.
- Hey, hey.
Franny, this is Longport, New Jersey.
You're a star, I'm proud of you.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Now, to continue our discussion,
the only thing that I want
you to do is just admit to me.
- You're just so funny.
- No.
Just admit it, finally, once and for all.
- You realize that you're the only person.
- This recycling thing is a total scam.
- You are the only person
in the United States,
who is serious about the garbage.
This is the food of your life.
- We keep it separate, they
put it all in the same place.
- Why don't you broadcast
it to the neighborhood?
- I read this some place.
- You read it some place?
- It's documented in a
national news magazine.
- Why don't you write it down on a card,
in case you die in an automobile crash?
- I don't know, I've
about had it with you.
- Francis, is that you?
- Hey Fred, hey Wally.
- Hi Francis.
- We're having a crisis.
- We're not having a crisis.
- Maybe you can help.
- Sure, it's good to see you guys.
- What brings you?
- Just some odds and ends about some
of my dad's things in the house.
- Oh, of course, wow.
Is this the first time you've
been by, since the funeral?
- Yeah, I think I needed
a break after all that.
You know, Duane's been
watching the house for us.
- Oh yeah, we've been in
Italy for three weeks.
We watch the house too, but now,
we're off to New Mexico next Friday.
- No, he's fine, it's no big
deal, I'll take care of it.
- Wally doesn't like him
because he's always turning
up his car radio at full
blast, whenever that dance.
- The macarena.
- Whenever the macarena comes
on and he gets one of his...
- Fat little daughters.
- And the dance on the front
lawn with the radio blaring.
- Anybody but Duane.
Thank God we had all these trips scheduled
because otherwise.
- No, he's fine, he's
fine, it's no big deal.
I'll take care of it.
- Wally's worried about
our property value.
He's kidding, of course.
- Not kidding.
- But seriously, I hope you've gotten
your key back from him.
- Duane has a key to the house?
- Yeah, didn't you know?
- No, I knew you guys had a key.
- No, we do, but we go away so often
that your father gave Duane a key,
in case there was ever a problem.
In fact.
- Oh, Fred.
- Well no, I assumed you knew.
- Knew what?
- Your father called
Duane the night he died
and Duane luckily was there and came over
and called the ambulance, he
was with him the whole time.
- No, I didn't know that.
- Yeah, your father had
something on his phone.
A button that he could press
and it rang Duane's phone
and Duane came right over.
Yeah, it was very lucky
and Duane was there
in a matter of seconds,
he was very helpful.
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, it's true.
Now tell us, what's coming up for you?
- You mean work-wise?
- Yes, work-wise.
Did we tell you we saw your
show, when we were in Italy?
- You did.
- Dubbed in Italian?
You had this really high voice.
Tell me something, do
you get paid for that?
- Fred.
- Well, he doesn't mind?
You don't mind?
- No, I don't mind.
Yeah, they pay me.
So listen, what's your crisis?
- Crisis?
- Yeah, you said you had a crisis.
- I did?
- Jesus.
- And
making it on your own.
You know, we could ask more
than we are for this package.
Chances are we could make just as much
selling fewer tapes for more
money, but that's not the idea.
Honestly, everyone in this
great country deserves
the same shot at making it on their own.
You deserve a shot at
making it on your own.
- Morning.
- Jesus.
God, you scared me.
- Sorry.
- How did you get in here?
- I'm not sure.
- Are you alright?
- Hello?
Oh, shit.
Hello?
- Hi.
- Hi, how are you?
- Better, how are you?
- Hungover.
- Oh no.
- Oh yes.
- What time did you get up?
- About 30 seconds ago?
- Is it bad?
- I can't tell yet.
- Take it easy, don't push it.
- I won't.
- Listen, I got my mom to watch
the boys today and tomorrow
and I thought I'd drive down there,
so I can help you with everything.
- Terry?
- Yes?
- Can I call you right back?
- Francis?
- Hello,
this is Thomas McGowan.
I'm not here to take your call right now,
but if you leave a message,
I'll get right back to you.
- Francis, will you pick up?
I won't come down if you don't want me to,
but will you at least pick up?
- Hello,
this is Thomas McGowan.
I'm not here to take your call right now,
but if you leave a message,
I'll get right back to you.
- Where were you?
- Church.
- You go to church, why?
- Why?
I don't know, habit, comfort,
guilt, all the above.
- Well, I have the day off.
You want to go to the boardwalk?
- Isn't it closed?
- Mostly, but I thought
we could, you know, talk.
- You look different
without your uniform.
- I hope so.
- Your hair, I couldn't
really see it under your hat.
- You like it?
- Yeah, I like it.
- Thank you.
So, are you feeling better?
What were you thinking?
- I don't know, you get
drunk, you wander around.
It seemed like a good idea.
- Breaking into a national
historical landmark
in the middle of the night
seemed like a good idea?
- Well no, it was more, I don't know.
I was drunk, I'm sorry.
- You're lucky you didn't get arrested.
- Yeah, that's what my wife said.
- Your wife?
- Yeah, I told her I
snuck through a backyard
to avoid my next door neighbor
and she said, you're lucky
you didn't get arrested.
- I didn't know you were married.
- Two kids.
- Oh now, I feel silly.
- Why?
- Well, let's put it this way.
I didn't put on this dress and show up
at your house and invite you out just.
- Look.
- Please, it's alright.
- No, no, no, no, I'm gonna tell you,
that I'm down here because
my dad died six months ago
and I have to go through his house.
- I'm sorry about your father
and I didn't know you were married.
- Yeah.
- Maybe we should go.
- Hey, I'm not finished.
- Okay.
- The other night?
- Yes?
- I was looking for you.
Can I ask you a question?
- What do you want to know?
- Why are you?
- What?
- Here?
- You mean here as in here
or here as in tour guide at Lucy,
the elephant in Margate, New Jersey?
- That.
- I don't know.
I find there are those,
who came out of school,
who went off to be something
and are still at it
and then, there are those,
who went off to be something
and never made it, but are still trying
and then, there are
those, who never tried.
That's me.
- Are you happy?
- Right now, I am.
Can I ask you something?
You're supposed to be sorting through
your father's personal belongings
and putting this house on the market?
- Supposed to be.
- And you should be going back
to your family any day now?
- Any day.
- Then I guess, this was
sort of a one time thing.
- I don't know.
- Okay, here are my rules.
If we don't see each other again, fine,
but if we do, neither one of us is allowed
to act weird or uncomfortable.
- Fair enough.
- Okay.
Now go to confession and call me later.
- What the fuck am I doing?
- What the fuck are you doing?
- Father Duane.
Because I mean, if you want a girl.
- I don't want a girl, Duane.
- I can introduce you to about a hundred
of them at the casinos.
- No.
- I can get you a room?
- No.
- It's not a big deal.
- Thanks.
- Because these girls would suck
the crum off your exhaust pipe, Franny.
- I appreciate the offer,
Duane, but I'm fine.
- Who is this girl?
- Her name is Lucy.
She takes tickets and gives
the tour of Lucy, the elephant.
- You're kidding.
- Nope.
- Wow, Lucy, Lucy, she works at Lucy,
the elephant and her name is Lucy
and that's kind of goofy, don't you think?
- I haven't really thought about it.
- I'm sorry.
Yeah, she's cute, but if
you're going to cheat,
why don't you do it with Miss November?
- I'm not cheating.
- No?
- No.
- Then, what are you doing?
- Look, I know this is
taking a little bit longer
than I thought it would,
but I've called a broker
and I'm about to call the mover
and I'm thinking I can be out of here
by Wednesday or Thursday,
I'm sorry, hold on.
Hello?
- Francis?
- Yeah?
- I've got Michael for you.
- Oh, okay Paul, could
you hold on one second?
- Sure.
- So hi, sorry.
I'm thinking I can be out of here
by Wednesday or Thursday, fuck.
Paul?
- Yo?
- Yeah, you've got Michael?
- I had him, he had to
head into a meeting.
Sorry, can we call you back later?
- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not.
Monday morning staff meeting,
he was already late, sorry.
- Paul, look, I understand, but Jesus,
I was gone 10 seconds.
I haven't spoken to
Michael in almost two weeks
and if he's not available
the split second I call,
I don't hear from him
for another three days.
It's like trying to figure
out a lunar re-entry.
- I'm sorry, are you going to be in later?
- I'm not sure.
- Alright, I'll have him call.
- Can you hold on one second?
- Never mind, I'll talk to you later.
- Okay.
- Mr. McGowan?
- Yes, hi Pam Whitman, come on in.
- Thank you.
How do I know you?
- I don't know, I grew
up here, maybe that?
- No, it can't be, I
just moved here recently.
I'm from Rhode Island.
- Never been, driven through it.
- I'm sorry, I don't mean to stare at you,
but it's like I know you.
- Well listen, what can I
tell you about the house?
- Well, why don't we just walk through it
and I'll tell you what I need to know.
- Okay, sounds great.
My sisters were back there with me
in the middle room and
my parents in the front.
It's fine for a family
of five or even six,
but it's just the one bath.
- Oh, one bath.
- Yeah, you kind of have to juggle a bit.
You can always build
another bath downstairs,
if you want to, I don't
know why we never did.
Let me show you this one.
We used the garage as storage
for a lot of my dad's things,
but you can fit two cars in here,
if you clean all this stuff out.
Plus, the apartment overhead is rentable
if they want to do that.
The roof is missing a few
shingles, but other than that,
it's fairly new, it's
not more than 10 years.
This is an outdoor shower here,
which is great in the summer.
So anyway, we'd like to move
fast, it's a nice little house
and we're willing to
negotiate a little, not much.
So is there anything else I can tell you?
- Was it Top Gun?
- Was what Top Gun?
- Did you know this island used
to be a mile and a half longer that way?
Until a series of northeasters took it?
- I did not know that.
- Didn't you ever wonder why
the last street in
Longport is called 11th?
- How did you find me?
- I went by your house.
Some lady was giving a
Japanese couple a tour.
- Did they seem interested?
- I couldn't tell.
The broker said, you might
go down by the water.
- Yeah, I told her I'd clear out
for a couple of hours or so.
So don't you have work today?
- I called in sick.
- What's wrong?
- What do you want to do?
- About this?
- No, I was remembering how much we used
to say that, when I lived
here when I was a kid.
What do you want to do?
I don't know, what do you want to do?
Kept thinking I was missing something.
That other people somewhere else
were doing the things
that I should be doing,
while I sat around asking,
what do you want to do?
I still feel that way sometimes, you know?
- Like right now?
- Right now?
- Yeah, are you feeling
that way right now?
It's not a trick question.
- Do I feel like I'm missing something?
- Yes.
- Not really.
- Do you feel like you've found something?
- Lucy, I understand if you want
to talk about this, but what's the point?
- Yeah, you're probably
right, we should just fuck.
- That's not what I meant.
- I guess I'm just feeling a bit
of a time crunch here, you know?
In a normal situation, we could delay
our first fight for
weeks, maybe even months,
but today's Monday and you leave when?
- You know when I first
started dating my wife,
I was getting drunk a lot and one day,
she invited me up to her parent's house
in the country to spend the day
and swim in the pool
and get out of the city
and I got drunk the night before
and I showed up a few hours late
because I missed the train
and I felt guilty about it,
but it really surprised me
when she called me on it.
I thought, I don't need this.
I hardly know this girl and I'm hungover
and I'm standing in her parent's kitchen
and she's already yelling at me.
I remember thinking, I can apologize
or I can get on the train.
- What did you do?
- I apologized.
- Why?
- She was right.
Want to dance?
- Oh God.
- Come on.
Would you stay here tonight?
- If you want me to.
- I want you to.
What about your mother?
- She'll be fine.
- What did you tell her?
- That I was having an
affair with an actor,
who used to be on a TV show.
- What did she say?
- What show?
- Excuse me, excuse me, is Lucy here?
- You're looking at her, pal.
- No, I mean Lucy, who works here.
She ain't hired today.
- She's not?
I thought that she would be here.
- I guess not, you want the tour?
- No thanks, I've heard it.
- Oh, why don't you
let me practice on you.
Nobody's been by yet, so I haven't had
a chance to do the speech.
- No thanks.
- Oh come on, I won't charge you.
I got a busload of kids coming at noon.
I've been doing it all morning,
but it ain't the same thing.
- No, I got to go.
- Come on, you don't
even have to go inside.
Look, I'm freaking out here,
just let me do the speech.
Look, I belong to this temp agency, okay?
Usually, I do construction
or janitor work,
but they called me at
eight o'clock this morning
because somebody here got fired.
- They fired somebody?
- Yeah, so I've been standing
next to this fucking elephant
talking to myself all morning.
Let me do the speech.
- I got to go.
- Lucy, the elephant was built
by James E. Lafferty in 1886.
The lumber of four innards
and the sheet metal
for a hide cost 38,000 dollars.
James E. Lafferty built three elephants.
One in Cape May washed away
in 1880, 1880, shit, 1886,
yeah, and the one in Coney Island
was moved back several hundred feet!
A million pieces of lumber were used!
She is 16 fucking five
feet tall and 80 feet
in circumference, you bastard!
- Hey neighbor, where
you bee, I stopped by.
- No work?
- Day off.
You got a couple hours?
- I really got to get
moving on some things.
- Yeah, I saw the broker.
She had a couple Indians in there.
- She was showing the
house, while I was out.
- Yeah, listen Franny,
I know you got to sell
and everything, but do us
all a big favor, will you?
- What?
- No Indians please, we
would very much appreciate.
- I told her to call me,
before she shows the house.
- Neighbor will go crazy if
you sell to Indian peoples.
Plus Laverne and Shirley would
never speak to you again.
- Laverne and Shirley?
- Next door.
- Oh you mean Wally and Fred?
- The happy couple.
Why don't you talk to the
broker, she's still inside.
- Think I will.
Hello?
- Hi, I'm measuring for closets.
We have interest from this
really lovely couple I showed it
to this morning, but they're
a little bit concerned
about your lack of closets.
- I didn't expect you.
- No, I called, but you weren't here
and this couple was really
anxious to see the house,
so I used the key you gave
me, I hope that's okay.
- Yeah, I guess that's okay.
I just really like to know
when somebody's in my father's house.
- Oh yeah sure, it's just that if you want
to sell quickly, I might
need a little leeway
to show in the spur of the moment.
You still want to move fast right?
- Yeah, yeah I do.
- Well, I would also like to suggest
that we should move on the furniture
and the rest of your
father's personal belongings
and if I can solve this closet problem,
I think we might get
an offer and I noticed
that you haven't really cleaned
out your father's clothes.
I can put you in touch with a
consignment shop, right here
in town and they can take
all of this stuff for you.
They don't give hardly anything for it.
- Please, don't touch that.
- Excuse me?
- That's my father's coat,
please don't touch that.
- Mr. McGowan, do we have a problem?
- Yeah, I guess I'm not
thrilled you showed the house
without contacting me first
and I'd really appreciate it
if you don't touch my father's things.
- Mr. McGowan, I have
been a broker for 17 years
and I have seen this
type of situation before.
I know how you're feeling,
but if you let me help.
- You can help, just contact
me before showing the house
and don't touch my father's
things, that's all.
- I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me.
You're welcome to find another broker.
Excuse me, I have houses to sell.
By the way, I was not a fan of your show.
- Hey Duane?
- Yo.
- Looks like I got a couple of hours.
What do you want to do?
Man, these are
great, where'd you get these?
- Bought them for my girls.
- Really, your girls wanted
electric dune buggy race cars?
- No, I did.
But I knew the Buddhist
wouldn't go for it,
so I said I was buying them for the girls.
- Smart.
- You learn.
Yeah, it's been good
having you around, Franny.
- Yeah, I sort of been enjoying it myself.
- I know you got a life and
you're a big swinging dick
in Hollywood and everything.
- Duane.
- You know what I mean.
You got things to do, you
got to sell the house,
got to get back to wife and kids,
you got to be in a movie with Ashley Judd.
- You think she's a good actress?
- Jesus, who cares?
- Yeah.
- Anyway, right now, it's
been good having you around.
- Yeah, you never know, I may stay awhile.
- What for?
- I don't know.
- For this Lucy girl?
- I don't know, maybe.
- Franny?
- Yeah?
- Could I tell you something?
- Sure.
- That's a really bad idea.
- Yeah?
- Michael Woods?
- This is Michael.
- Michael, Francis McGowan.
- Hey bub, what's up?
- Nothing much, down at my father's house
for a few days, tying up some loose ends.
- Uh-Huh.
- And I was wondering
if you heard I called.
- Oh yeah, I did, sorry I was out of town.
- No problem, I was just wondering
if there was anything on the horizon.
- No, it's dead right now.
It should pick up in about a month or so.
- Yeah, you keep telling me it's dead.
- Well, it is, look,
to tell you the truth,
I'm on my way out, Francis.
The only reason I picked up the phone
was I let Paul go early.
- But you seem very busy.
- What?
- It's just, why do you
keep telling me it's slow,
if you're so busy, what are you doing?
- Well, I'm covering my clients, Francis.
I'm doing my job.
- But I'm not working.
- No, you're not.
- Why not?
- Because you're not hot.
You're a good actor,
but the series is over
and you're just not hot.
I'm sorry, but you asked.
- I'm not hot.
- Nope.
- Sounds like a death sentence.
Mr. McGowan, we the
jury, find you not hot.
- I really got to run, Francis.
- Michael?
- Yeah?
- Hello?
- We won't stay.
We just wanted to share
some fabulous sticky buns.
We found them on our weekend in Cape May.
- No, come in, come in,
how was the weekend?
- Depressing, here.
- Come on in, Wally.
- No, no, it's inconvenient,
Fred, come on, let's go.
- No, come on in, please, have a seat.
Wow, these look great,
let me get some plates.
You want some tea?
- Decaf?
- Jesus.
- No, I've got decaf instant coffee.
- That's fine.
- Wally?
- Nothing.
- So why was Cape May depressing?
- Have you ever been to Cape May?
- Once.
- Wally loves it because
of the architecture.
- I don't love it.
- But if I see one more Victorian house,
I am going to kill myself.
- Coffee in a minute.
- Plus we were there
to visit Wally's uncle,
Edward, whose 92, so you've got all these
old Victorian house and
old Victorian Edward
and I just found it depressing,
but enough about us,
we want to know who this Lucy person is.
- Fred.
- Who we saw traipsing out
of this house this morning.
- How do you know her name?
- Duane told me.
- The only reason I'm
asking is we saw her leave
this morning, very early
and it struck us as odd.
I hope you don't mind,
we would never intrude,
but we do watch your father's house
and here's this total stranger walking
out the door at 6:15 in the morning.
- Well, what can I say,
Fred, she's a friend.
- Oh fine then, she's a friend
and she's cute as a button.
- Will you stop?
- Well, she is.
- So you say, Duane told you her name.
- Yeah, I went off for milk and saw Duane
and I asked him if he'd
seen her and he said yes,
and that you told him
that her name was Lucy.
So anyway, did we tell you that we saw
your show, when we were in Italy?
- You told him already.
- I did?
- You did.
- Look guys, I don't mind if you ask,
but I would really appreciate it
if you wouldn't mention it to anybody.
- Oh God, of course not, Francis.
We were concerned because it was so early
and we'd never seen her before.
Of course we won't say a word.
Is everything alright?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
- Lucy.
- Hi Francis.
- How are you?
- Just bitching, you?
- I'm a mess.
- I guess you must be.
I got fired.
- I know.
I went looking for you this morning
and I met your replacement,
you were much better.
- My mother said they wanted me
to call them and when I did, they fire me.
- I worked there almost three years.
I missed two days and they fired me.
- I'm sorry, Lucy.
- What did you do today?
- I looked for you.
- Really?
Here I am.
- Here you are.
- I wasn't sneaking out,
I had to go to work.
- I know.
- That's not true.
I was awake all night.
- I knew it would be uncomfortable.
It's a single.
- It wasn't that.
I just felt I didn't belong.
I know it's a stupid thing and
I know I should know better
and I know you don't, how could you?
You're married and you have two children
and you have this life and career.
You're real and I live with my mother
and I spend all my time in this place.
I've never really gone anywhere.
I had this silly job
and now, I have nothing.
I'm a pretend person and that's the truth.
- But you're smart and you're pretty
and you're still young.
Why don't you just go?
- Where?
- Our off season rate
is 85 dollars a night
And that includes breakfast,
which is served either
in your room or in our
dining room downstairs.
Now, you will be in the Egret Suite.
The White Cat Room is a little bit larger,
but your room has the better view.
- I'm sure it'll be fine.
- Terrific and if I can just
get your name, Mr. and Mrs.?
- Binder.
- Bammer.
- And how will you be paying today, Mr.
and Mrs. Binder-Bammer, cash or charge?
- Cash.
- 85?
- Yes.
We also have herbal teas
for you in the morning.
I know a lot of ladies like
that, scones, what have you.
- Okay, here you go,
enjoy your stay, folks.
- Thank you.
- Oh, this is nice.
What's an egret?
- I believe it's a type of heron.
- What's a heron?
- Water fowl, it's a bird.
- I bet you've done this
a million times before.
- No, Mrs. Binder-Bammer,
I've never done this.
- I am so sorry, I didn't think
you'd want to use your real name.
- Don't worry.
- I am so nervous.
- Lucy?
- Yes?
- Relax.
- Okay.
- It's just me, your loving
husband, Bob Binder-Bammer.
- You ran from California to New York
and now, you're running from
New York to here, right?
- I thought about that.
Maybe I'm having a break down.
- Think so?
- Well, let's see.
I'm sitting at a lighthouse in Cape May,
New Jersey in October, I'm
enjoying a little getaway
with a woman I met a week ago,
while my wife and kids wonder where I am.
- You think what we're doing is wrong?
- It's more like I've stepped
into another dimension.
I don't know, I don't know.
- It's funny what can happen,
when you let your guard down.
- I had a definite purpose,
when I came down here.
Three or four days, but
now, I'm just drifting.
- What will you say to your wife?
- Probably nothing.
- Do you love her?
- Yes.
- Hi.
- Afternoon.
- How was the walking tour?
- It was great, we enjoyed
it, lots of houses.
- Well, that's what we're famous for.
Hey Mr. Binder-Bammer?
- Yeah?
- Would you sign our guestbook for us?
- Sure, be right there.
- Do me a big favor, would
you sign your real name?
- Busted.
- It's my favorite show.
- Really?
- I swear to God.
I could not believe it,
when you walked in here.
Why'd they take that off?
- I don't know.
- What are you doing now?
- I've got a couple of films coming out
in the next month or so.
- Oh yeah, what are they called?
- One is called Macarena Duane.
- Macarena Duane, what's that about?
- It's a comedy.
They might change the title,
sometimes they do that.
Look, would you mind if I
don't sign your guestbook.
I'd be happy to sign something else.
- Oh, oh yeah, sure, I
understand, incognito.
- Thanks, who should I make it out to?
- To Anthony.
- Okay.
- Oh, this is fantastic.
Nobody is going to believe
that you came in here
and if you need anything else,
anything, just let me know, okay?
- Thanks Anthony, I appreciate it.
- Alright.
- See you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Alright thanks.
- Would you do me a big favor, Anthony?
- Sure.
- Would you not mention this to anyone?
I know it sounds silly,
but Mrs. Binder-Bammer?
- Yeah?
- Is not Mrs. Binder-Bammer.
- Oh, she's not.
- No, she's not.
- How disappointing.
- Excuse me?
- I find that disappointing.
Your show is a nice family
show, I liked it so much.
- Well, thanks.
- It might not be popular in some places,
but this is a pretty conservative town.
We got some old fashioned
laws in the books here,
such as the unlawful use
of a public boarding house
for the purposes of
adultery or prostitution.
- Uh-Huh.
- And since I also happen
to be a police officer.
- Are you making this up?
- I'm sorry.
- You're making this up, right?
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, man.
- I had to, I had to, it's me.
Yeah, you should have seen
your face, you're like, oh.
It's me, see, I want
to be a stand up comic
and when you just set me up like that.
- Wow.
- Sorry dude, I really am.
I am a big fan you know,
but I just love to improv.
In fact, I'm going up
to casinos next week,
they got a second city group up there
and they're going to be
auditioning for new talent.
- Well, you got my vote, you
scared the shit out of me.
- Oh, that's so cool, I had you going.
Oh man, hey listen, let
me ask you a question.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
I think I'm a funny guy
and all, but I really
would like to break into sitcoms.
Only thing is, I don't
know anything about acting.
- I think you fit right in.
- Yeah, so you think
that this stand up thing,
the improv comedy.
- I think you should give it a try.
- Unbelievable man,
Francis McGowan, right?
- Right.
- Oh hey.
There's a comedy club
in the next town over
and I'm going to be appearing
there tomorrow night at 9:45
and I don't know if you're
still going to be around,
but I'm pretty sure I can
get the cover waived for you
and your friend to get in.
You'll probably get recognized though,
but you should come anyway.
Joe Piscopo is headlining.
- Bob?
- Bob, I love it.
- Forget it.
- What's going on?
- Well, good luck Anthony?
- Okay, great meeting you Bob and hey,
don't forget 9:45, tomorrow
night, if you're interested?
- Alright.
- Okay?
- Thanks.
- Take care now.
I'm a genius, thank you very
much, I am a freaking genius!
- What?
- No.
I was just thinking, it must
be really weird for you.
- Sometimes.
People think they know you.
I'm beginning to think
the Indians were right.
- About what?
- You know that thing about the Indians
believing that if they
had their picture taken.
- It took their soul,
yes, I read that once.
- I'm beginning to think
that if you've been
on a TV show, you lose something.
I'm not saying, what am I saying?
I'm not saying I'm gonna
end up forcibly relocating
to a reservation somewhere
with Bob Denver or anything.
It's definitely a deal with the devil.
- That's your bargain.
- Right?
Full of shit?
- No, a little.
- Okay why?
- The Indians didn't get paid.
- Nope, they didn't.
I hope it's okay that we
didn't stay overnight.
It was just a little too
strange with that guy.
- I know.
- I don't want you to feel.
- Like a whore?
- No.
I just know that we
planned to stay overnight.
I planned to stay.
- Don't worry, Francis.
- He always used to say, just put me
out with the heavy trash.
He had a wisecrack for
everything, even that.
- Seems healthy to me.
- They were fatalists, both of them.
My mother used to take me by the hands,
when I was 10 or 11 and she'd
say, now, if your father
and I should drop dead,
here's what you do.
You sure this is okay?
- It's fine, Francis.
You talk to your father,
I'll wait in the car.
- Hey pop, it's me.
That was Lucy, she's a good friend.
I came down here to take care of things,
to take care of you, but I can't.
It's too hard.
- Oh, here's Francis.
I'm just going to say hello.
Hi there.
- Hey Fred.
- Is that Lucy?
- Jesus Christ, that's Lucy.
- Hi Lucy.
- Hi Fred.
- We're decorating,
Wally loves pumpkin pie.
I hate it, but he loves to eat it.
You dry them out and they're delicious.
We'll bring some over.
Pumpkin's so big we couldn't
possibly eat it all ourselves.
So where you been?
- Cape May.
- Oh, you went.
- Lucy.
- What?
- I don't know if Francis told you.
We were just there.
We haven't really met, I'm Fred Blumquist.
- Lucy Bammer, Hi Fred.
- Hi Lucy.
We were just there.
Did you see the houses?
- Every single one.
- Oh, I know, it's too
much, a little maybe.
Looks you stayed the night.
- No, we didn't.
We were going to, but
Francis met a demented fan.
- Lucy.
- What?
- Could we go inside?
- Why?
Does this make you uncomfortable?
- Of course this makes
me fucking uncomfortable.
- Nice to meet you, Fred.
- I'm sorry Fred, I gotta go.
Lucy, Lucy, will you stop?
- What do you want?
- I want you to stop running away.
- Oh, you want me to stop running away.
- Would you just stop?
Now look, I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to embarrass you,
but don't you understand,
this guy is my neighbor.
- He's not your neighbor, Francis.
He's your father's neighbor
and your father is dead.
You come down here and you let this happen
and you expect me to
hide from the neighbors
and then, be there for
you when you want me
and when you need me, until
you decide you had enough.
What am I supposed to do,
what am I supposed to do?
- Oh hey, hi there.
- Morning.
- Yeah hi, morning.
Say I saw that episode,
where you got promoted.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, you know the one I mean?
- Sort of, we did a lot of them.
- Yeah, well you get
promoted and they throw
a surprise party and invite your mother.
- Oh yeah.
- Was that Ruth Buzzi?
- Yeah, it was.
- Yeah, I thought that was
her, that was a funny one.
- What do you got there?
- Huh?
- What do you got there?
- Oh, oh nothing, nothing here.
You got a family young man?
- Yes, a wife and two sons.
- Oh, that's beautiful.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
They must be real proud of you.
- I hope so.
- I'm sure they are.
Well, if I don't see you
again, the best of luck to you.
- Thank you.
- Don't worry, I'll keep watching.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Wow, getting out of Dodge, huh?
- Yeah, it's time.
Going to work?
- Yup.
- You like working in a casino?
- Nah, it sucks, but this is
pretty much a one horse town.
- How you doing great Duane?
And you look fabulous in that tux.
- You're full of shit.
What's your hurry?
- I got to do this quick and get out
or I won't do it at all.
- Did you get another broker?
- Same one.
- How'd you do that?
- I begged.
- What about the girl?
- She took off.
Plus you're right, it's not
a good idea, I gotta go home.
- Are you going to be around tomorrow.
- Yeah, I got a truck coming at noon
to take all the furniture.
I'm going to keep a few things,
but most everything else is gonna go.
- Well, I'll see you then.
- Duane?
- Yeah?
- You got a minute?
- Yeah, I got a couple minutes.
- I wanted to ask you,
Fred told me you were
with my father the night he died.
- Yeah, I was.
- Could you tell me what happened?
- Sure.
He called up about 1:30 in
the morning and asked me
to come over, so I let myself
in, I found him in his room.
He was on the floor next to his bed.
I think he tried to stand
up, but he couldn't.
So, I called the
paramedics and just stayed
with him until they came, it
was less than five minutes.
- Did he say anything?
- He just kept saying
that he felt very weak
and then, the paramedics
came and they took his vitals
and they tried to start an IV,
but that had a bit of trouble with that.
They cleaned all that up,
after they took him to the hospital.
- So, he didn't die here?
- No.
He died on the way to the hospital.
It was fast, Franny, I
don't think he suffered.
- Jeez, I hope not.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- I gotta go.
- Thanks Duane.
- Sure thing.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah?
- Mover!
- Oh fuck.
Just a minute.
Hey, you little early?
- You said noon?
- Yeah.
- It's 1:30.
- Where's your other guy?
- There ain't no other guy.
- What do you mean there
ain't no other guy?
- Just what I said, ain't no other guy.
You just got boxes, right?
- No, it's a whole house.
I packed everything, but
there's furniture, it's a house.
- Can I use your phone?
- What's up?
- Man said, you said boxes only.
Everybody else is out on other jobs,
next earliest is Tuesday.
- Next Tuesday?
- That's what the man said.
- Look it's a small house.
- Don't matter if it's a doll house.
You know what I'm saying?
- How about if I be your helper?
- Forget that, you
should wait til Tuesday.
- Hold up, hold up, alright, look.
I have to clean this house out today.
- It ain't going to happen,
homes, you said boxes.
- What's your name?
- Marshall.
- Look Marshall, how much would it take
for you to do this job with
me today as your helper?
- How much you got?
Can't be much, you ain't
even got shoes, man.
- How about you do it with
me for an extra 100 bucks.
- On top of your original
fee, plus a healthy tip?
- Yeah.
- Get your shoes on.
- That's the original fee,
that's the tip and that's the extra 100.
- Alright then.
- So all the clothing goes to Franklin.
- Franklin Clothing and Ocean City.
I know man, you told
me five times already.
- And everything else.
- I got it, I got it.
Don't worry about man, it's
done, everything else is easy.
- Easy, huh?
- Nothing left to lift, except your ass
into your car and drive out of here.
What you asking for this house?
- You interested?
- No, no, I got a cousin
looking for a house.
You got any black folks coming by?
- No, but there's going to be
a nice Indian family real soon.
- You mean like Sikhs?
- I think so.
- Oh man, you gotta watch them Sikhs.
They're crazy.
- Marshall, thanks.
You saved my ass.
- Did you sign the paperwork?
- I did.
- Alright then, I'm gone.
- Hey, I'll be heading
out in another hour or so,
I just need to check on
a couple more things.
Oh, somebody's at the
door, I'll be home tonight.
Oh hi, I thought it was Duane.
- It's me, can I come inside?
- Sure.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah, I got motivated.
- Is everything gone?
- Everything, except me.
- Weren't you going to say goodbye?
- I didn't think you'd want me to.
- Oh, well I brought you something.
- Lucy, you didn't have
to bring me a present.
- No, I wanted to, here.
- This is beautiful, Lucy.
I don't have anything for you.
- Can I have a hug?
- Wait.
This is a picture of me and my father,
when I was very young.
- It's a wonderful picture.
- And this is my father's
coat, I gave him this coat.
- Are you trying to give
these things to me, Francis?
- I'd like you to have it,
it's not a regular present,
but it means a lot to me.
- You should keep this.
- I want you to have it.
- Francis, I don't want
your father's coat.
♫ I have drifted down a
ways along the shoreline
♫ I just watched these ropes give way
♫ Where they were tied
♫ I could have reached out quick
♫ When the ropes first slipped
♫ If I had tried
♫ But I was wondering
♫ Where the wind was trying to take me
♫ Overnight if I never did resist and
♫ What strange breezes
make a sailor want to
♫ Let it come to this
♫ With lines untied
♫ Slipping through my fist
♫ Slipping through my fist
♫ It is downhill all the way to the ocean
♫ So of course the river
always wants to flow
♫ The river's been here longer
♫ It's older and stronger
and knows where to go
♫ Guess I'm wondering where the river's
♫ Trying to take me
♫ Overnight if I never did resist and
♫ What strange breezes
make a sailor want to
♫ Let it come to this
♫ With lines untied
♫ Slipping through my fist
♫ This is where I played as a baby
♫ This is where I ran as a child
♫ This is where my dad
took the last breath he had
♫ And smiled
♫ So I'm wondering
♫ Where this place is trying to take me
♫ Overnight if I never did resist and
♫ What strange breezes
make a sailor want to
♫ Let it come to this
♫ With lines untied
♫ Slipping through my fist