Walk of Shame (2014) - full transcript

Right after the break, we're
going to interview David Kern,

who climbed the highest Mountain
in the world, Mount Everest,

but he's gate... I
mean, he's gay.

Excuse me. He's blind.

More teens are having fuck...
Having luck, rather.

One way to do a Turkey call
is with this gobbler...

that allows the air to vibrate.
You should try it.

I'd love to. Go ahead.
I want to see this.

No, no.

That just wasn't right.

It's a beautiful Memorial Day.



We have people out
here sunbathing.

We have people tossing
the ball around.

And we really want to advise
that you guys try to make it...

I'm a bird, bitch! A
safe Memorial Day.

Okay, dude. Goddamn it, man!

Well, I'm sure you
needed it, Annie.

Did you get many
spankings as a kid?

As a kid? No. I... Oh!

Whoa. Wait a minute.

Susenko Energy is announcing
a proposal to Jack off...

What is your comment on the
results of the proceedings?

What really happened on that
Thursday here at Central High...

that led to Tim Johnson's de...

What the fuck was that? Shit!



God, I'm dying in this fuckin'
country-ass, fucked-up town.

It looks like Reuben is in
the lead, and here comes...

No! No! Aaah!

An infestation of Canadian Brown
Finches, which is a small bird...

I guess I should have seen
that one coming, huh?

We now send it over to Meghan Miles.
Meghan?

Hey, Joe, I'm here at the A.S.P.C.A.
where I'm...

I think she is.
Meghan, are you okay?

Okay, Meghan... We'll get
a medic over to her.

Yeah.

Thank you so much
for coming with me.

You're my girl. Team.
Right. Team.

They're not going to bring
up the cat thing, right?

That was 100 years ago. No one looks
at those Youtube things anymore.

Yeah, right. Relax, Meghan.

Relax? Ooh. It's the network.

It's a big step up from local, but
you are ready. Oh, I'm ready.

Just be yourself. No, I'm going to
be exactly what they want me to be.

"Anchor."

It is both a noun and a verb.

A reliable or principal support,

but in action, it
means to hold fast.

Hmm. Mmm.

I believe I can do that
for your viewers...

be the center, and hold them...
steady.

Tell us more about yourself.

Well, I was raised in Texas.

I studied journalism at
the University of Texas.

I love to read. I'm
a voracious reader.

Mostly historical fiction.

Have you read Toni
Morrison's Beloved?

- Of course.
- Good answer.

My role models include my
parents, which I know is corny,

but they've been
married 35 years...

and, um, I am recently engaged.

We like that. We'll have
a decision in two weeks.

There isn't any... dirt in your
past that we should know about?

Skeletons?

Bones of any kind?

I'm a good girl.

Morning, Meghan Miles.

Be well. Good day. Good day.

Hey, looking good, Chuck Rogers.

Five minutes to air, people.

I just spoke to my source
inside the network. And?

Its down to you and Wendy Chang.

The decision should
come down today.

Don't be nervous.
Don't be nervous?

You shouldn't have told me.
Breathe.

Oh, gosh, hang on.

This is Meghan Miles.

Meghan, you dirty hooker.

Rosie, stop. I'm about to go on air.
Okay, good.

But be advised that we are going
out tonight to celebrate.

Honey, I didn't get the job yet.

- Minor detail.
- I don't know.

It's been a really long week.

Don't be a cock-blocker.

Repeat after me: "I will
not block the cock."

You know what? Hang on.
I have another call.

It could be the network.

- This is Meghan Miles.
- Meg, honey.

- Hey, Mama.
- We just saw your last newscast.

You did such a good job.

Although that outfit was a little
revealing by about a button.

Really?

I've been telling wardrobe
to watch out for it.

Thank you for the feedback.
Well, we love you.

Say hi to Kyle. I love you too.

Talk soon.

Fine. I will not block the cock.

Still me, hon.

I'm so sorry, Mama.

This is KZLA Live at
5:00 Eyewitness News.

- With Jane Rain, weather.
- Camera one.

Ready, Chuck? Let's do this.

Chuck Rogers, sports.

And Chopper Steve, traffic.

Will you stop it? My
mother's gonna kill me.

Good evening, Los Angeles.
I'm Meghan Miles.

Our top story:

The day is upon us.

A traffic nightmare of
biblical proportions.

What some are calling
"Carpocalypse Now."

Portions of the 10 Freeway will
be closed for construction

during this coming weekend.

For more, let's go to
our own Chopper Steve.

Chopper Steve, can you tell
us what it's like up there?

Oh. Doing great. Fantastic.

Chopper Steve, are you texting?

Who's gonna pull
me over up here?

It's sailing pretty smoothly
down there right now,

but we're warning drivers about
massive congestion this weekend.

So you're saying they
should steer clear.

Oh, steer clear.

I got that one, Meghan Miles.

Thanks, Chopper Steve. We'll check
back with you in the 6:00 hour.

Check back? What? Did
my check bounce?

Aw. Sorry.

Okay. Bye now, Chopper Steve.

Fly safe.

Real smooth, Chopper Steve.
Fuckin' loser.

I should just crash this thing
into the Hollywood sign,

end it all. We can still hear you.
Your Mike is on.

- Live Mike.
- Copy that.

For continuing updates
on the Carpocalypse,

stay with KZLA for
all your news needs.

The Ventura County Italian-American
Club did a great job,

but don't call Mr.
Guinness just yet.

It turns out the world's largest
meatball resides in Genoa, Italy.

Stay tuned for more KZLA
coverage on Carpocalypse,

and find out what simple household
item may just be fatal.

I'm Meghan Miles. Be well.

And we're clear.

Great.

Chopper Steve...
Is he on his meds?

Short answer, no.

Did anybody call? Did
you get any e-mails?

No. No. Calm down. Any text
messages I need to know about?

Calm down. I'm going
to hear from them,

and I'll call you at home.

I can't wait to get my drink on.

And get my dance on. And...

Just those two things. Denise.

What?

Meghan.

Meghan! Meghan Miles.

Either she's not home
or she's ignoring us.

Or she's incapacitated,
tied up...

or maybe she had a stroke
or a seizure or something.

Denise, this is Brentwood. Nothing
bad ever happens in Brent...

Oh, my God, O.J. Simpson. I
just remembered that. Yeah.

Meghan! It's open.

Honey, you are not back
on the farm in Texas.

You cannot just leave
your door unlocked.

Hey, party girls. What's up?

What do you want to drink?

I have tap water. Wait.

Wait, what's going on?
Where's Kyle?

He's at the supermarket.

And, um, where's all your stuff?

Oh. Um...

Kyle took it all to
the supermarket.

The supermercado.

He's gone.

He, um...

He said he didn't know
who I was anymore,

and then he left and
he took everything.

That's so weird. When
is he coming back?

Why did you not tell us?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

Rosie, I just...

Yeah, but, honey, we're your friends.
We're not gonna judge you.

Hang on. It's Dan.

Meghan, don't freak out, but
they're going with Wendy Chang.

Meghan, are you okay?

Chang!

This is such a terrible time
for Kyle to not be here.

Denise, shut up.

They gave it to Wendy Chang.

She's an anchor
in San Francisco.

There you go, honey.
That's a diversity hire.

Asian. What can you
do about that?

She's not even Asian.

She's adopted. She has
red fucking hair.

I'm sorry. That was mean.

Good for her. No.

Screw Chang. You are the best.

Yeah. No one reads the
news like you, Meghan.

We're going to sit down and come
up with a plan to fix your life.

Okay, guys, no more pity party.
It's fine.

So go. I'll be fine. I'm just gonna
stay here and catch up on Idol.

No! We're not gonna
leave you here.

You don't even have your dog.

Technically, it was Kyle's dog.

Who cares? Forget it. Get a cat.

Ew. That's gross. Cats hate me.
You know that.

People say cats are clean,
but they're really filthy.

I am sorry, okay? Whatever.

You're gonna meet some
young, stupid, hot guy,

and you're gonna take all your anger
and your aggression out on his penis.

I don't know. I don't
do that with penises.

I'm more of a relationship
type of girl.

We're taking you out.
Come on. Let's go.

Fine, but I'm wearing
these sweatpants.

No. You're gonna wear something
slutty, like Denise.

I don't own anything
slutty like Denise.

Denise, give Meghan your dress.

- But...
- No buts.

You can wear one
of her pantsuits.

Ew. Ew.

Why is it so loud in here?

Isn't it great? This
is what you need.

Shots time. Already?

Yup, that's right.
Throw it back.

Unless you're too soft.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoo!

Yeah, the other two were for us.

I guess we're gonna
need three more.

This is good. Three more.
Three more.

How about something different?
To match your dress.

Thanks. Fancy.

Looking at us?

Oh, my God.

What do you do? Act bitchy?
Yeah. Bitchy.

Boo. Ooh.

Sunshine.

You want to join me and
my boys for some drinks?

Will the drinks be alcoholic?

More Tequila? That's
what that is.

Wow, your friend's quite
the party girl, huh?

Tonight she is.

Let's make a toast to
these girls, huh, boys?

Yes. My dad made a toast at
my fifth grade graduation,

- and I kept it in my memory...
- Keep it there.

Cheers!

I love my daddy.

Kyle sucks.

Can I just get one
of these buckets?

Thank you so much. Excuse me.

Go get a cab. Let's
get rid of this.

All good. Let's rally.
Let's rally!

You want to get out of here?
Absolutely. You stay here.

No, no. Where are you going?
I got to go for a wee-wee.

♪ ♪ Excuse me. ♪

Oh.

Oh. This is high.

Uh... Hello? There's no handle.

Hello?

Hi. Oh, hi.

Whatcha you doing up there?

I'm just looking
for the bathroom.

Are you stuck?

How dare you, sir.

Don't you know it is rude
to ask if a lady is stuck?

Oh.

Yes, I am stuck.

And I'm a little drunk. I should
tell you that. All right.

Nothing wrong with that.

Stay stuck for a second. Whoa!

That won't be hard.
I can't move.

Breaking news, 2:00 A.M.
Girl stuck on balcony.

Hi. Hi.

- Huh. Oh!
- What do you think?

Wow. This is a mess.
Bit of a situation.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

If we could just find a
way to get this shoe off.

What a puzzle. All right.

Well, we got a strap
coming around here.

Wait. Oh, my God!

What? There's a
whole other strap.

Which one?

Left? Right? You
need to stay calm.

- What's your name?
- Meghan.

- Meghan, where you from?
- Texas.

Texas. I like Texas.

Hurry! The timer is
reading five seconds.

All right. Stay with me, Meghan.

- Four, three, two...
- Here we go.

Aaah!

Are we alive? I think so.

You're a hero. Thank you.

Should we get down?

You can do it. I'm right behind you.
Okay.

So, are you trying to escape?

French exit? Yeah,
I think I was.

I just sort of had my fill of the
lecherous males... and the...

I don't know. I don't
really do this very much,

and so I just felt this wave of
depression coming over me...

Here. And I thought I
should probably...

It's cold. It is cold.

Anyway. Rosie.

What?

She says she's leaving.

I should get my car.

Um... I should go.

Your car? No, no.

I don't think you
should be driving.

Why don't we get you a cab?

Let's find a cab for you.
No, I really want my car.

You don't think I can drive?
Uh...

Come here. Sobriety test.

Smell that meat.

Oh, my God. That smells so good.

You're so drunk.
That's not even meat.

Screw you, cracker. It's meat.

All right, why don't I drive
you home in your car,

and then I'll take a
cab home from there?

How about that? No, you
don't have to leave work.

No, no. It's fine. I'm
not just a bartender.

I got other things going on.

You got a day job?

I am a writer of books.

What kind of books?

Uh, sort of post-modern
romantic fiction.

That is my favorite genre.

Are you messing with me?
No. It's really cool.

I'm a journalist. I've done some...
I don't know.

I don't write anything, really.

I thought I would, but
I mostly just read.

I read the news. I don't know.

Anyway, so what does a post-modern
romantic writer do all day?

Find beauty and praise it. Wow.

That is the opposite
of what I do, I think.

All right, let's go. I'm
getting you home safe.

Where do you live?

Where do you live?

Okay, you're getting on my level.
You like the dark stuff.

Okay, hands like this.

Shotgun poetry. All
right, get ready.

"Hark! 'Its an elfin-storm
from faery land,"

of haggard seeming,
but a boon indeed.

"I have a home for thee." I win!

Let's take our clothes off. I'd like
to go to the judges on that one.

Okay. Judges? Where
are you, judges?

Okay. It's a girl. All right.
It's a girl.

Ooh! What is in there?

♪ I only know two chords ♪

Do you trust me? Yeah, I do.

You trust me? I do.

I don't. I don't. No, no!

Yes!

Oh, fuck. Don't mess with Texas.

Dress down. Down.

Oh. I'm hungry.

Okay. What is this?

What is this little table thing?

Put that one down and
get another one.

I want to do Lady and the Tramp.
This is the best.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Let me see. Don't be shy.

Yes!

Yellow's your color.

Oh, God.

Okay, where's my phone?

My purse. My phone.

Hi. You've reached Meghan.
Please leave a message.

And be well.

You have four new messages.

Message one sent
yesterday at 6:05 P.M.

Meghan! Put down your knitting.

We're on our...

Meg, honey, it's Mom.

We just...

Meghan, it's Dan. Are
you sitting down?

Chang is out. She didn't vet.

They found some raunchy twit-pics
of her and another girl.

She's way too risky for CNB.

Looks like they're
pivoting back to you.

You're the safe bet.

All that steadiness shit
is going to pay off.

Now listen, they want to watch you
work, have a final follow up...

"look you in the eye"
sort of thing...

so they're coming to
the newscast tomorrow.

So get some rest tonight.

Come in fresh and
ready to kill it.

This could be very good.

Oh.

Ohhh.

No. I hate cats.

Don't you do anything.

Mmm. Mmm.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

You were in the box.

Shoes, shoes, shoes. Where's my...
Where are my keys?

I hate cats!

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Okay.

Where is my car?

Oh, wait. He drove.

We kissed, and then I
fumbled for some Tic Tacs.

Oh, no.

There's no names.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait!

That's my car. Hey!

That's... That's my car.

That's my car.

That was my car.

Aaah! Don't shoot! Don't shoot.

You sneak up, I shoot you.
No, no, no, no.

I just want a ride. I'm
just trying to hire you.

Oh, no, no, no. Off duty.
Off duty.

No, please, sir. I
will pay you...

Double. Triple.

To take me to the tow place.
Mm-mmm.

Do you know where that is,
the place they tow to?

Oh. Tow to?

Yes! Yes, you understand.
The tow to.

Da. Da. Tow to.

Okay, great. Thank God.

You working? Yes, I work.

Very important I
get to work today.

Tonight. Okay.

Great.

♪ ♪ So, here we go. ♪

- We're going tow to.
- Great. Great.

You know, I like it, your work.

You know my work?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Very nice.

Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you so much.

Yeah, I love what I do.

It gives me a lot of
self-worth and really...

I don't know. I...
You have boyfriend?

Um, presently,

I do not technically have a man.

I mean, I just... I don't know.

I met someone, and... Oh,
but I just left someone.

I didn't... Well, truth
be told, he left me.

Actually, I don't
really give a shit.

Okay. Good talk.

Ah!

Here.

Here? Where here?

♪ ♪ Here. Tow to. ♪

No, no.

Oh, my goodness.

No, no, no.

This is Tattoo,

and I said "tow to"
as in "tow your car."

This is a funny language
miscommunication.

I can't get out here because
I don't nave my money.

It's in my purse,
which is in my car.

Which is at the tow to place.
Tow to.

You no pay, I drive you jail.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't...
There's no jail.

Then you pay $23. I
am not a stripper.

I'm actually a journalist...

with local Emmy nominations
and a lot of connections,

so you will get paid.

You will get your money.

But right now, I really, really
need you to just help me out, okay?

Do you understand?

Okay. Okay.

You give me a dance on lap. Huh?

Four song. Dance on lap, $23.
Finish.

No. There's no deal. No?

Yes. I can't give you
a lap dance, sir.

- Four song.
- No.

- You give me three song.
- No deal.

No, no, no. Okay!

You dance on lap
or I take to jail.

Wait, wait, wait. You
can put the gun down.

Wait. Um... Um...

- Two dances. - No, no, no.
- Bullshit for me.

Good deal. Yeah?

- Two songs.
- Okay. Two song.

Alanis Morissette in-in V.I.P.
room.

The... Sure. The V.I.P. room.

Just unlock the door.
Yeah. Okay.

Leave the gun. You can't
take a gun in there.

Oh, no gun. No gun.

I get lap ready.

Come on. We... Hey!

Where are you going? Come on back!
We had deal.

Hey, lady!

Son of a bitch.

This is nuts. What
the fuck, lady?

Oh, my God!

Everybody have fun tonight.

- Hey, wait! Wait, wait, wait!
- What do you want from me?

Wait. You can help me.
Hang on. You can...

Hey, hey, hey! Go away!

I need... I just... You
could help... Hey!

Oh. Hey, hey. Hey, hi.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi. How you doing?

I'm not so good, actually. I
could really use some help.

Yeah, I could use some help too.
Oh, really? With what?

Oh, no. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No.

I'm not a... I'm not a hooker.
Yeah, okay.

Have a good night. No, no, no, no.
Wait. You can't...

Oh! That's disgusting.

Oh, God.

This stupid dress. I am
gonna murder Denise.

Oh, my God, I'm...

freezing.

Hey!

Who the fuck are you?

Uh, I'm not a prostitute.

- Excuse me?
- Check out Barbie over here.

♪ Where did you guys come from?
♪ ♪

Go on.

Hey, hey. Excuse me. Is there any chance
that you are not looking for a hooker?

Free agent?

Get out of here. Looks like it.

It's ballsy.

Gotta give it to her, man.
That takes a lot of balls.

Oh, no, come on, Dave. Man,
it's the end of our shift.

Look, dude, I just gotta get
home, get a little bit of rest.

I was gonna drive
down to Long Beach.

Got this whole fishing-charter
thing set up.

It's our job, Walter.
No, it isn't.

Our job is to keep the
hookers over there,

away from the decent
people down there.

All right. All right, look.

We can issue her an
official warning,

but if I see her out here
again, we gotta take her in.

See? That's good police work.
That's what I'm talking about.

- What's the matter, you can't hear?
- I have nothing against...

uh, modern... female
entrepreneurs.

Oh, shit.

Thank God. Oh, hallelujah!

Do not approach the vehicle.

Ma'am, what you're doing
is the opposite...

of not approaching the vehicle.

I... Okay.

I can't see now.

Thank goodness you are here.

I am so happy to see you.
You deaf?

This has been the longest
night of my life.

Quit your babbling.
This has been the...

Quit your babbling and listen.

Okay. We have you on video
soliciting those cars.

What... We can haul
you in right now.

No, no, no, no. I was
not soliciting sex.

Ma'am, do not raise
your voice at me.

Don't you raise
your voice at him!

How much you had
to drink tonight?

- Uh...
- You smell like a distillery.

I just... I haven't been home.
Neither have I.

Which is why we're gonna give you a
break and let you off with a warning.

Ready? Here it is. Stay
off of my streets.

- But-But...
- We see you out here again, and you will go to jail.

But I didn't do anything wrong.

Really? You haven't
done anything wrong?

What, are you going
out to get some eggs?

Just wrapping up
your paper route?

It's time to grow up.

- Now stay off my streets.
- Stay off his streets.

- I can...
- Sit down and think about it.

Think about it. Sit down.
Don't be on your knees.

Off his streets and
grow the fuck up, okay?

You're not going to help me?

Aren't you supposed
to help people?

I... I'm not a...

♪ Bitch, get outta here. ♪

That sounded tough. Veteran.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, we did the right thing.

You better start running!
Okay. I'm going.

I'm running. I'm running.
I'm running.

Molly?

Me... Mel... Meghan.

Meghan?

Meghan?

You and me ♪

♪ Are too good to be ♪

♪ Too true to be ♪ ♪

Good morning, Los Angeles.

Today's the big day...
Carpocalypse.

It's a heck of a
day for traffic.

My advice to you:
Get a helicopter.

There's no traffic in the sky,
I'll tell you that. Whoa!

Ha. Kidding. That
was a good one.

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ What day it is ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been ♪

♪ Up all night ♪

♪ I don't know what week it is ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been ♪

♪ Up all night ♪

♪ I wanna see you I wanna see... ♪

Hey, Meghan.

I'm just calling to make
sure that you got home okay,

'cause things got a
little fuzzy last night.

Hey, babe. What... What
are you doing here?

I like to get up early.

Of course you do.
You're like 70.

Just to clarify, what
happened last night?

Everything. Everything?

- And by everything, you mean...
- Everything.

- I just passed out...
- Everything but that.

Listen, you got a
banana or something?

I'm sorry. This was a mistake.

I thought I was taking home a
really young, very cute guy.

You must mean my son.

Yeah, we get confused
all the time.

Don't worry about it.

Crazy night. You can party.

Fuck.

Yeah. What you think I'm doing?
I'm on the corner.

Yeah. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.

What's up? All right, cool.

Follow that guy down there.

Yeah, baby, what's up?

Sometimes I wonder.

They like the fuckin'
Keystone Kops out there.

All right, later.

Sneaking up on me is a bad idea.
No, no, no.

Hi. I'm not sneaking up.

I wasn't. I just... No samples.

Keep your zombie ass moving.

I-I just need a little help.

Sir.

Now, I know you can
see I'm working,

and I'm sure you done worked
that ass enough tonight.

You need to get on home.
That's all I want to do.

And I don't want your drugs.

Excuse me? Oh. I mean... That
was a terrible assumption.

I mean, I don't know if there's...
I wouldn't...

Yeah, you don't know.
You're right.

You need to forget what
you think I'm doing.

It's already forgotten.
I'm so sorry about that.

Um, I just want to
borrow your phone.

Can I please make a
call on your phone?

I'm pretty sure today might be the
most important day of my life,

but I really need
to make a call.

Please, I'm...

I am not what you think I am.

I swear.

I'm a good girl.

Oh, shit. You ain't that good.

The police said if they find me
again they're gonna arrest me.

For what? Being a good girl?

It was a misunderstanding...
at worst.

Five-0! Five-O!
Full team's coming.

Oh. You better get lost.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm getting lost. Get
lost somewhere else.

Where? I don't know.

That's why they call
that shit lost.

Bitch, why are you so fast?

I ran track in high school.

Hang on. Hey. Hey,
hey, hey, hey.

Hang on. Hey!

Fuckin' yellow-ass Terminator.

I've gotta go home. What are
you still doing behind me?

- Get out of here, man!
- I need to get in here.

Get off me. Get away
from me, bitch.

Oh, my God. What are you doing?
Just give me the phone.

You better go back out. Go back out.
I can't go out there.

Go. I can't go out there.

I can't. I can't be
caught out there.

Oh. What the fuck are
you doing in here?

I was one of the ones
runnin' from the Five-O.

- Who the fuck are you?
- Yo, chill. Chill, chill.

- She with me. - Yeah.
- I'm with him. Yeah.

Just some dumb ho.

You fuckin' stupid?
Look at this bitch.

She a undercover cop wearing what
looks like a Marc Jacobs dress.

You think some raggedy-ass
trick get her hands on that?

Hold the fuck up.

How the fuck you know what a
fuckin' Marc "Jenkins" dress is?

Watch one episode of What Not
to Wear and get back to me.

- Bitch is a cop.
- Man, she a trick.

- Cop.
- She's a trick.

No! That's the bitch
from the news.

What? Why you let
Pookie up in here?

Why you let some cop up in here?
Look, she ain't no cop.

That's the bitch from the news.

Channel Six Live at 5:00.

I'm about to put my foot up
in your motherfucking mouth.

I-I'm not a cop. I'm not.

I am... I'm bitch from the news.

"For KZLA Live at 5:00
Eyewitness News,"

I'm Meghan Miles.

"Be well."

Pookie, shut the hell up.

Why the hell would
KZLA's Meghan Miles...

be sucking dick for
crack in our hood?

No, I'm not sucking
dick for crack.

What you sucking dick for then?

Nothing.

- Shit's free?
- Uh...

So, you ain't sucked
one dick tonight?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Okay, but it's...
That's not, uh...

Look, I'm just lost.

And I just need to
make a phone call.

- I just wanted to borrow your phone.
- Look, right here. Look.

- Oh, my God.
- Bitch from the news.

Yeah. Look at this.

"Be well." I love it.

Oh, shit. It do kind
of look like you.

Yeah. I'm Meghan. Meghan Miles.

Look, bitch from the news,

you real good and stuff,

but I just think you need to work on
inviting the audience in a little more.

Earnin' they trust.

You have a natural, approachable beauty.
I like it.

But your delivery is
just a little robotic.

I just feel like you can show
us a little more warmth.

- I know it's in there.
- Pookie, what you smoking on?

Weed laced with embalming fluid.

It's pretty good.

No, no, no. I kind of
see what he's sayin'.

Uh-huh. See, it's like
you closed to the world.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

I mean, look how you holding your
shoulders right now. Mm-hmm.

All closed off...

like you don't trust us.

Okay, these are, uh,
excellent points.

Viewer feedback is very
important to me, Mr. uh...

- Hulk.
- Hulk.

- And?
- Scrilla.

Scrilla and Pookie.

- With two O's.
- Okay.

I'm gonna take
everything you said...

I'm going to take it all
under consideration.

I need to get back
to do the news.

Tonight, live at 5:00.

I'm up for a promotion, so it's
really important that I be there.

But I am lost,

and I don't have a
phone or money,

and my car's in the impound lot.

And I am currently standing in the
middle of a ghetto crack house.

Sorry. No offense.

- None taken.
- That's a pretty fair description.

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'm going to help you out.

- Yeah. Exactly.
- Give her that one.

Use that one. Okay.

Thank you. You got it.

- Thank you.
- Right over there.

Okay.

- Give me that.
- What happened to that dress?

Since when you watch the news? I
wake up at 5:00. That's what I...

You got a TV?

You see the TV in the back. You need
to sell that shit. You owe me money.

I already paid you.

- Remember my E.B.T. card?
- Shut the hell up.

What's wrong, sweetheart?

I don't know anybody's number.

They were all in my phone.

I use the voice
dialing in my car,

and everyone's on speed dial.

That's some modern-day,
fucked-up shit, huh?

Yeah.

I only know, like,
three numbers.

My parents in Texas, and
I am not calling them.

I know my own number so I
could give it out to people.

I'll just... I should
text myself, right?

Someone might get it.
That's a good idea.

Okay. "It's Meghan.
Help. I'm"...

- Where am I?
- The hood.

We more like hood-adjacent.

Hood. Yeah.

So what's the other number?

Who is this?

You woke me up.

Goddamn it, I said who is this?
Just talk.

It's me. It's Meghan.

You were never gonna call me.

I had to call you, okay, Kyle?
I had to. Listen.

Breaking up was the
hardest thing I ever did.

Just hold on.

Hang on.

Why are you talking so low?

Are you...

Are you with someone? Is someone
there with you already?

- Are you drunk?
- Technically, probably yes.

Is this a Booty call?

No! I don't want to
have sex with you.

Damn! Who you talking to?

It's my ex-fiancé.

Oh, okay. All right.

- Who's that?
- That is Pookie.

He's an acquaintance of mine.

Okay, so then you are
not alone either.

What are you doing? Why
are you calling me?

I called you because I'm
in trouble, Kyle, okay?

I need you to come and get me,

and I only knew three
numbers, okay?

You and my parents
and 1-800-FLOWERS,

and I wish to God
it wasn't the case,

but some things just
stick, you know?

I can't get rid of you.

Anybody know any numbers?
I don't know.

I know the bail bond's number.

♪ 800-588-2300 ♪

What you gonna need that for?
Empire

I may need some
carpet or something.

Are you in jail? - Not yet, but
it's a distinct possibility.

Sober up. Call a taxi, all right?
I gotta go.

Kyle, who are you talking to?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
there is someone there!

I knew it! You bastard!

I'm sorry. Please
don't call me again.

Baby, can you please come help me?
It is over, okay?

- Listen...
- Gotta...

Now you listen, motherfucker.

I don't know what the fuck
you did to Meghan Miles...

from the motherfuckin' news,

but you better drag your
cracker-ass out of bed...

And get down to this crack house and
get Meghan Miles the fuck out of here.

She gotta go do the
motherfuckin' news,

or else she won't get
her fuckin' promotion.

Give me that. Yo.

You show one more motherfuckin'
ounce of disrespect to this woman,

and I swear I will track your bitch
ass down and set your ass on fire.

You hear me? Now I got
your number in my phone,

but say something else.

Okay. Yes, sir. That's good.
That was so sweet.

Really. Thank you. I got you.

Uh, who's that?

That's Scrilla and Hulk. They
are also acquaintances of mine.

Are you in a crack house?
Yes, Kyle.

That is what I am
trying to tell you.

I am in a crack house.

Oh, shit!

Die slow, motherfucker!

Is this a joke, Meghan?

What the fuck is happening?

Meghan Miles from the
news, you gotta go now.

Go through that door, make a right.
Go down the steps.

You'll see a vent. Jump in it.
It'll take you out the back.

Go! Go!

You got this, right? Wait
up, bitch from the news.

I'm gonna put some
caps in your ass!

Why is this happening to me?

Right down here.

Who the fuck are
you, motherfuckers?

Ooh! Oh!

Aaah!

Oh. My bad. Pookie?

Yeah, it's me.

Okay. Come on, to the right.
Come on.

Okay. Now go to the right.

This way, Meghan Miles. Who was that?
Why is that happening?

I don't know. That was insane.

I don't want to get shot.

I was just out having a good time.
Come on.

12th Street crack house.
Shots fired.

Three black males, one Caucasian
female in a yellow dress.

You believe this?

Maybe it's some other white
chick in a yellow dress.

Hey, hey, hey. Whoa.
You saw this lady?

- You gotta talk to the lieutenant.
- No, we don't.

Yeah, you do.

Actually, we do. I know we do.

You're just supposed
to say we don't.

Aw, shit.

Shit, shit.

Go!

Pookie? Huh?

Do you know where
the impound lot is?

Where they tow cars to? Uh...

The tow to. You know where that is?
Is it nearby?

Yes, yes. Okay. The impound lot.
Yeah.

What you want to do, you wanna
take this street all the way down.

Hit Western.

Follow that like it's
your yellow brick road.

You gonna go under the 10.

If you hit Dollar Taco,
you gone too far.

Okay, so the Western and the 10.
You're sure?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm about sure.

But look, don't use the bathroom
at Dollar Taco. It's really bad.

Okay. Don't do it.

Thank you. Okay, you be good.

Wait, wait, wait! What?

Oh, no, no. No, I...
No. Take this.

Pookie, I can't take your crack.

It's worth about
$10 on the street.

But don't smoke it.

It normally doesn't end well,

at least for me.

Pookie, I cannot take your crack.
No. No, no.

I insist. Please.

When a crackhead
gives you his crack,

you have his heart right there.

Just remember, shout out your boy
Pookie next time you're on air, okay?

Um, okay.

And don't forget to shout out
Scrilla and Hulk... Yup.

And Skip, Skip-a-doo,
Treezy, B-Bow...

not to be confused with G-Bow...

- Little Markeese and also my Uncle Joseph.
- Sure.

He's locked down in Chino.

Okay.

- Oh, and Meghan Miles?
- Yeah?

Be well.

Be well too.

I'll be well if I get
my ass out of here.

For two years, there's
been a tenuous peace...

Then, all of a sudden, some mystery white
woman in a yellow dress shows up...

and everything goes to shit.

I know. It's crazy.

Add to that, she
Jacks a cabdriver.

Now she's running
with Scrilla's gang.

No, no, no, no. She's
just a hooker.

We saw her at the Point. Yeah.

- And you didn't bring her in?
- I wanted to.

Tell you what, Lieutenant,

How about we just brief the
next shift coming in...

Next shift? Ain't no
next shift for you.

You two can I.D. her. You're
staying on till we bring her in.

Caucasian, yellow dress, hooker.

Back to the streets, fellas.

Sorry. What's wrong with you?
"I wanted to."

Protect and serve. Go
fuck yourself, Vic.

"It's Meghan. Help.
Lost in the Hood."

Who this? Oh, hey. This is...
I'm looking for Meghan.

Bitch from the news? She gone.

Don't call this number
again, motherfucker.

Oh! Ooh. Oh. Sorry. I
didn't see you there.

Ugh. Okay. Hey!
You're Meghan Miles,

that Channel Six news lady.

En vivo!

En vivo. What are you
doing down here?

It's a long story. You don't
have five dollars, do you?

In the store, I do. Can you
wait right here? - Sure.

For five dollars, let me take your
photo and I'll put it on the wall.

Oh. No, no. I can't...

And then I put it on Facebook
and everyone likes it.

No, no. Oh, no, no. You can't
put a photo on Facebook.

No, no photos. I'll send you a head shot.
I'll send you something.

Hey, look! Meghan Miles
on the walk of shame.

Uh, Meghan's phone.

Who's this? Where's Meghan?

Well, where is she now? Why do you
have her phone? Did you hurt her?

No. No, I... We went home
together last night,

and I'm thinking she might be
in some trouble right now.

She left her phone here, and
I have no idea where she is.

You better be telling the truth,
psycho, because I will out-psycho you.

And if you hurt Meghan, I will
reign fucking fury down on you.

Relax.

Where do you live? 244 Traction.

Where the fuck is that? - It's
downtown near the Sixth Street bridge.

People live there? Yeah. I do.

Buzz 810 when you get here.

All right, well, you stay there
or I'm calling the cops.

- Denise, get up.
- I'm up.

- I can hear your sound machine.
- I need to just lie here.

It's bad. It's really bad.

Denise, just get up. Meghan might
be in trouble. She needs us.

You don't understand. I...

Hey, babe, is everything cool?

Please don't touch me.

Who is that?

I made a terrible
mistake last night.

I think I may have
taken Iggy Pop home.

All right, all right. What's up?
What's up?

There you go. Mm-hmm.

What the fuck is this?

Hi. All right.

Hey, I don't wanna
waste anyone's time.

I'm gonna assume that
you're a crack dealer.

And, um, I was wondering if
you wanted a little more.

A little more what?

A little more crack.

You know, like, maybe I could
cash it in for some money.

You wanna sell me crack?

Well, I technically don't wanna sell
it because I think that that's wrong.

But I was hoping that maybe
make a return or something.

Oh. Okay. A return. Yeah.

You got the receipt?

The... Uh... Or maybe
the box it came in?

Oh, come on, man, I
just have the crack.

Oh, you just got the crack?
Yeah, that's all I have.

And I just thought, you know,
you could add it to your stash,

Uh-huh. Give me, like, 10 bucks,

and then you can sell it for
more, and that's good business.

You don't walk into McDonald's
with your own hamburgers...

and try to sell it to 'em.

You know why? Because they already
got their own hamburgers.

They're not gonna look at your
hamburgers and be like, "Oh, shit."

She's got hamburgers. That
looks like a good deal.

"Maybe I could buy 'em, turn around
and sell 'em for twice as much."

Crack is all the same, right?
It's just this little thing.

Put that shit away. What the fuck
you doing, trying to set me up?

I'm saying that it would be very
easy to pass off as your own crack.

It's probably all from the
same place, isn't it?

I technically got it from Pookie
who, I'm sure, got it from Scrilla.

Scrilla? Yeah, yeah.
It's his crack.

You wanna unload Scrilla's shit on
my corner, pass it off as my own?

You got a death wish, lady?
Yo, Ladeke! What?

Who's Ladeke? Deal with this shit.
School this bitch right now.

You're in the wrong territory.
This is the Figueroa Crew, man.

I'm going.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- I'm not done with you.

- I'm getting on the bus.
- Come back here, man. You wanna disrespect me?

Yo, Ladeke, what
am I, a sparrow?

When I whistle, you
got to respond!

You can't be behind the line.

This one? There's two sides.

Is this the side? You
on the wrong side.

Okay, okay, great.

$1.50.

You, blondie.

Uh, yes. Yes.

$1.50.

Such a good round... number.

- Where's your money?
- Oh, it's, uh...

You know what? You
can just keep going.

It's, um... It's here somewhere.

It's, um...

Shame.

Are... Are you talking to me?

Have you no shame?

I don't know who you think you
are, Judgey Judgey Judgeyson,

but I am... You know, don't...
I'm just trying to get to work.

Why don't you get your
pimp to drive you?

These people are good people.

Oh, I'm sorry. I missed the
sign "good people only."

How do you know what is in my soul?
Hey!

Oh, I can tell. I can tell.
$1.50.

Okay. Does the $1.50 need
to be paid at every stop...

or does it cover the
entire journey?

Are you for serious?

I am for serious.

Do you take credit cards? Yeah.
You can swipe it right there.

Really? That is amazing,
innovative technology...

that you can just...

Do you take debit cards?

Do you have a debit card?

I do not.

Listen. I'm gonna
give you some advice.

Sure.

You might wanna think about
another line of work,

'cause you ain't
no good at this.

If you ain't even got $1.50,

you probably should think
about retiring as a whore.

And if you do scrape up $1.50, use
it to buy yourself a sandwich.

That's the reason you
can't turn no tricks...

'cause you ain't got
no meat on your bones.

Now, that advice was free,

but this ride is $1.50.

So you can pay that or you
can get your ass off my bus.

Okay. I just need to get as far away
from this gang territory as possible.

Really?

If you want, I can sit down
and tell you the whole story.

- No.
- No, no. You don't have to get up.

You ain't nothing but
a skinny crack whore.

Now get your ass off my bus.

I am not a crack whore.
I... I...

- Hmm.
- Oh, that's...

But this is... this is part of that long
story that I wanted to tell you about.

Okay, this... Ugh! Yech!

You did good. You did good.

All right, here it is.

Could I conduct the interviews this time?
Hey, knock yourself out.

X22.

Latest report has Caucasian
woman in yellow dress...

ejected from municipal
bus 32, Western line.

This sounds like a
psychotic break.

That's pretty good there, Dr.
Phil.

Uh, X22 responding.

Hey, Dan. Yeah.

I'm just working on the
new Granny Bandit story.

Oh, Granny's old news. I think
we have a better story brewing.

The discord at this
year's G8 summit?

Don't be a smart-ass.

The network is coming
to see Meghan today.

- We have to do a great show.
- Yeah.

- Have you seen her yet?
- Nope.

Did you try and call her?
Yes. Several times.

All right, if you were Meghan
Miles, where would you be?

Nothing to see here.

Lord?

Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hi.

Oh.

Hi.

Can you help me?

But this is a place
of worship, right?

A house of God? You're a rabbi.
No.

Oh, you're not a... Isn't
that what they're called?

You're obviously a temptress
sent here to test my faith.

Oh.

Stimulation is a distraction
from, and an offense to, God.

And with an uncovered head.

And this dress.

I shouldn't look. Okay, can you
please just... Please, just go.

Come on.

You're telling me in
this day and age,

you're not going to let me use
the bathroom or make a call...

or-or give me bus fare?

Yeah, I just need...
I need $1.50.

No, no. Look, there are no
women allowed in there, okay?

Women are kept
separate from the men.

In fact, our men aren't even
allowed to hear a woman sing.

It's just bus fare.

That's really all I need.
No one will know.

There's no one here.
It's just us.

Okay. Look, of all
the prohibitions,

I love the female voice
mixing in the wind.

The lilt. The sweetness.

Hmm.

Now, I know I cannot touch.

But can not my ears touch?

A small price of $1.50 would eagerly
be paid for such a delight.

Forbidden, though it is.

Um... ♪ I threw a
wish in a well ♪

♪ Don't ask me I'll never tell ♪

♪ I looked to you as it fell ♪

♪ But now you're in my way ♪

Please don't stop.

♪ Your stare was holding ♪

Ripped jeans Skin was showing.

♪ Hot night Wind was blowing ♪

Where you think
you're going, baby?

♪ Hey, I just met you ♪

♪ And this is crazy ♪

♪ But here's my number ♪

♪ Call me maybe ♪

Call me maybe ♪

- Moshe, what's happening here?
- Uh...

Hello. I don't know.
She-She-She just appeared.

She... She wants money.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.
I sang for you, and you owe me.

What's that?

He called you a witch. Okay,
what is wrong with you?

You've got to have some money in
your pocket. No, no, you can't!

- Wait, wait!
- Stop her!

Possible hate crime at
Wilshire "Ha"... "Ha"...

"Ha"... "Ha"... "Ha"... "Ha"...

- "Habad."
- Chabad.

"Habad." Shit.

- It's a place of worship.
- Yellow dress, seen...

Hi.

Do you, uh... Hi.

I don't have... Leave me alone.
Okay.

Hi. I'm Gordon.

You are so not her type.
I get it though.

You guys wanna come in?

What is this, an artist loft?
Are you a hipster?

Uh, no, not a hipster. I can't
grow a convincing enough beard.

Oh, my God. A single
man with a cat. Wow.

She's a rescue. What a guy.

Why do you look so familiar?

I was also your
bartender last night.

I gave you all your seven
or eight rounds of shots.

Oh, so you, uh, stalk 'em, you get
'em drunk, then you take them home.

That is not how it happened, okay?
She needed help.

I was trying to help her, and we...
well, we kind of hit it off.

Denise, four-point douche test.
Go.

What? Have you ever
been to a strip club?

Yes, but they make
me uncomfortable.

What do you call your penis?
My penis.

- That's hot.
- Denise, Focus.

Sorry. How do you feel about Robert
Pattinson? Not my favorite actor.

You shut your mouth. Okay.

Can I get a "whoop, whoop"?
Whoop, whoop.

No. Don't ever do that again.

Kill an innocent dog or cheat on your
girlfriend? Cheat on my girlfriend.

I'm not going to kill an innocent dog.
That's sick.

You passed. Okay.
So, we're good?

- Can I get a hot chocolate?
- Not so fast.

Which one is Karlin?

Hi. Dan.

Josh Feldman, CNB.

Jordan Gethers, CNB.

Ah. Dan Karlin, KZLA.

So, Miss Miles... Where is she?

Oh. Well, normally, Meghan
would be here by now.

But knowing Meghan, she's out
in the field doing research.

Daddy, look. Look.

I think that's Lindsay Lohan. No, honey.
Just keep walking.

Operator.

How may I help you? Yes.
Hi. Yes. I need help.

I'm in trouble and... Let
me transfer you to 911.

No, no. No police. I don't need the police.
I just need help making a call.

I don't know any numbers and
I don't have any money.

I can call collect for you or if
you know of any toll-free numbers.

I know a toll-free number.
Uh... Uh, yes.

Okay, listen. Can you
please connect me...

KZLA tip line. What's
your news tip?

Yes! Hi! Hi!

Hallelujah.

It's Meghan Miles.

Oh, I just need to speak
with Dan Karlin, please.

If you'd like to speak
to an employee,

you can call him or her
on their private line.

Okay, great. Can you give
me Dan's number, please?

No, 'cause it's private.

No, no. Okay, it's Meghan Miles.
From the news.

If your news is that you're
Meghan Miles from the news,

then that's not news
'cause it's not true.

Now, if you don't have any
news, please hang up.

No, no. I need to speak with Dan...
Dan Kar...

You...

So, you drove her home in her car.
Yes. That's right.

Why didn't you take your car?
I don't have a car.

You don't have a car in the city of
Los Angeles. How do you get around?

I take public
transportation mostly.

I will take the bus
to work normally.

Sometimes I take the subway.

You son of a bitch!
You killed her!

Jesus! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Denise!

He is lying to us. There's
no subway in Los Angeles.

- Yes, there is.
- Where? How come I've never seen it?

It's underground.

Right. Okay.

Sorry about that.

Okay. So, she left her phone.

Uh, what else did she leave?

She didn't come in with much. She had
her phone and her keys. I had her keys.

Well, where did you put them?

Over by the door, on the table.

The keys aren't here. So
she probably has her keys.

She has her key? That's great.

She has the Keytective key
service on her key chain.

Keytective Find your
keys with ease.

What in God's name are
you rambling on about?

It's a little thing that
goes on your key chain...

and it has a little
computer inside,

and somehow they can figure
out where the heck you are.

Anyway, I told Meghan about it.
She thought it was sensible.

Let's call from the car, see if
the service number's in there.

No, no. Wait a minute.
She just got a text.

"Miles, wrong day to be M.I.A.
W.T.F."

- "What the fuck."
- "Network is here.

Job's yours if you can just get
here for a newscast. Karlin."

Karlin is her boss. Oh, my God.
We have to find her.

So, Mr. Karlin, to
your knowledge,

any questionable Flickr images,

tweets, pics, I.M.'s, e-mails,
Facebook status updates,

Yelp reviews, anything at all
associated with Meghan Miles?

No. Uh, Meghan Miles
is a good girl.

Okay. Come on.

Locked.

- Oh.
- Lady, what are you doing with my bike?

I'm really, really sorry.

But I'm gonna need
to borrow your bike.

I got to get to my car. I
got to get my life back.

Have you ever had one
of those days...

where everything you
do just goes wrong?

And no matter how hard you try
or how good your intentions,

life just keeps beating,
beating you down, huh?

Well, I could really use
a friend right now.

So if you just let
me borrow your bike,

I'll have it back
to you in no time.

Really, I promise.

It would just be so great
if you could help me out.

Okay.

Oh, kid. You're an angel.

Show me your boobs and I'll
let you borrow my bike.

Boobies.

I had higher hopes for you.

Yeah, let's go. Get over here.
Come on.

All right, get in close.

Close your eyes first.

- I'm calling your mother.
- What are you doing?

That's my bike! Hey!

X22. Olympic public Library.

Bike stolen. Suspect is
female in yellow dress.

It really seems like she
wants to get caught.

She's like a criminal beacon,
sending off signals.

- Where did you get that from?
- The detective's exam manual.

Good afternoon, Los Angeles.
Carpocalypse is in full swing.

So if you're crazy enough to be on the
freeways, may God have mercy on you.

Which He won't.

Gordon, this is what a car looks like.
Oh, thank you.

This is so exciting!

Keytective. Right here in her phone.
Calling. Calling, calling.

Keytective operator assist.
Who am I speaking to?

Uh... Meghan.

- Miles.
- Miles.

Meghan Miles. That's me.

Okay, Mr. Miles, what
is your password?

Uh... Password.

The... Is it mother's
maiden name?

The hint is your pet's name.

Mr. T. My dog's name is Mr. T.

- Yeah, we went deep last night.
- I bet you did.

Let me just run a trace on
your ignition key's G.P.S.

Great. They're running a trace.
Wow.

So, you actually banged
Meghan last night.

I am really proud of her for letting go.
I really am.

Was she a freak? I bet she was.

- I'm not talking about the details with you.
- Did she juggle your balls?

Did she slap you around a little
bit, tell you you're pretty?

Um... 'Cause you're pretty.

You saw this little in the
yellow dress steal your bike?

She was really scary.

- You got a good look at her? - Yeah.
- She had these, like, crazy eyes.

All right, kid. Come with us.

Hop in. We'll do a
ride-along, okay?

But when we find her,

I want five minutes
alone with her, okay?

Not okay, creepy kid.

Get in the back. Be happy
that you're coming.

Just concentrate on
apprehending the perp.

It's like the fucking Goonies.

What? No. I wouldn't want that
even if she'd agree to it.

Why? Is that something that you...
like?

It's just a pinky.

I can see that the key is at Rossmore and
Normandie. But it seems to be moving.

It's moving west on Normandie.

West on Normandie. Okay. Great.
Rose, go to Norton and Wilshire.

- I don't know where I am.
- Three more blocks and then make a right.

Hey, driver, you got to go faster.
We have to find the bike.

It's "Officer." "Driver"? What,
your dad rich or something?

My dad's taxes pay your bills.
Find the bike.

Kid, if you don't shut up, I'm going
to drop you off right on this corner.

God, I just want
to find my bike!

And I just want to
be fucking fishing!

Oh, my God.

Oh, come on. There you go.

You've really hurt
his feelings now.

Well, the kid's an asshole.

And here we are on the 101.

Looking down on the gorgeous San Fernando
Valley, home of the porn industry,

where I had the opportunity to
work at one point in my career.

I worked the boom mic.

But did that stop me
from getting gonorrhea?

Any available Rampart. Any
available Rampart. Come in.

- What are you smoking?
- It's an e-cig.

Fake cigarette. That's dumb.

I smoke weed.

Great. Now we have
to arrest you.

- No. I was kidding.
- Well, you're already in the back.

- Why is this kid here?
- He's a witness.

The yellow dress is
going to give her away.

You...

Over there! Over there!
There she is.

All right! Make a U-turn. Hurry!

Go back! All right,
all right, relax!

Come on! Drive faster!
Stop banging on the glass!

There it is! I see the bike.

Bingo. She's here.

Stay in the car. X22
pursuing suspect on foot.

Entering parking lot, corner
of Vermont and Third.

Miko, is that you? Come.

- Uh...
- Police officer.

Oh, no. Hello, hello.

No. Uh, new girl.

Oh, new girl.

Okay, let's do this.

You know what to do? God.

I am never doing shots again.

And use plenty of lube.

X22, we are in pursuit
inside the Happy Oasis Spa.

- Copy that.
- You. What you fellows want?

Ma'am, we're in
pursuit of a suspect.

We just want to look
around a little bit.

You're not my guy. I took
care of my guy already.

What does that mean, Walter?

Don't worry about it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I like.

Ohh!

Oh, this is good.

Okay, she stopped moving. We got an
address. Let's do this. Let's go get her.

No, no. I go call my
guy at the station.

My guy, Vic. Okay?

You know Vic?

Hilarious.

So, new girl, what's your name?

Kim... Jong... Il.

That's beautiful name. Listen.

Can you push harder
on muscle, please?

Yeah, yeah. No, you tense.
You tense.

Oh, yeah. I had bad night.

This yellow whore
cheat me out of fare.

I cabdriver.

I chased her, but better
I don't catch her.

In this country, you
can't just kill.

This is exciting. Shh.

Kim. Why you stop?
Shh, shh, shh.

Ah, ah. You... No, no. You tense.
You so tense.

Uh... Shh. Good. Yeah.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Feet. I like that.

Time for happy conclusion.

Shh.

Shit. Oh, oh...

- Ohh!
- Kim, what happened?

What was that?

Kim.

You!

This way. I'm coming.
I got you covered.

Other side. I could
kick it down.

Other side. Other side.

Jesus Christ. Did you see a
woman in a yellow dress?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She steal money
from me and then she assaulted me.

♪ And your left hand Left foot ♪

♪ And your left hand Left foot ♪

- And your left hand Right foot, stop
- Whoa.

And now your right foot
and your right hand.

Right foot and your right hand.

She can't have gotten too far.

♪ ♪ Stop ♪

I got, I got
everything I needed.

As long as you are, you
are, you are here with me.

And I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not gonna leave.

Oh, it feels right, feels right
when you're here with me.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo
Let me hear you go.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo
Let me hear you go.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo
Let me hear you go

♪ Let me hear you go ♪

Any luck with Miles? Nothing.

We got to find her.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo
Let me hear you go.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo
Let me hear you go.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo
Let me hear you go.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo
Let me hear you go.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo
Let me hear you go

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo ♪

Carpocalypse.

I can get across.

- I just have to.
- No.

Oh, my God! God!
Oh, you scared me.

Who are you? Oh, you scared...

What are you doing here?

Uh, I need to get
across the freeway.

Underpass about a mile down.

No, no. I don't have
to go that far.

Uh, the freeway's empty. There
won't be any cars till 4:00 P.M.

I could maybe let
you cross here.

Great.

For a toll.

A toll? I have nothing.

I have no money. I have no...
I like those.

Oh, man. I just got these.
They're a nice color.

Hey, Dan, I'm over the
freeway for the reopening.

T-minus 30.

I'll shoot it and then hover. You
can come back to me live at 5:00.

Um... Yeah, if we
have an anchor.

What do you mean?
Where's Meghan Miles?

You've got a feed from Chopper Steve.
Check this out.

Dan, are you watching this?
Yeah, Steve.

Oh, my God. There's a woman in a yellow
dress trying to cross the freeway.

Freeze!

Put your hands in the air!
Freeze!

Get down on the ground! Put
your hands behind your back.

Hands back. Hands in the air!

- Hands up or hands down?
- Do not move.

- Let me see your hands.
- Dave, stop talking about her hands.

- Sorry, Walter. - I got this.
- Just let me handle this.

- Don't move. Don't move.
- We got her, Walter. We got her.

- We got her.
- Game over, ma'am.

Stop! Shit!

I knew it. Ma'am, stop!

Come on, Dave. Come on.

No! Don't, don't, don't!

Ohh!

Oh, my God. She made it.

Jesus Christ, she's an Olympian.

Walter, she's getting away!
Sorry!

Walter, we're stuck.
That chick is a psycho.

Good job, Steve. Keep on her.

I'm on it. No, lost her.

Suckers.

Boop-boop.

Do not call. Don't tell Vic! I won't
tell Vic, but I got to call it in.

I will fucking shoot you.

You left your purse in your car?
Yes.

And your shoes too?

Um, I don't see what the shoes
have to do with anything.

Okay, I cannot let you in
that car without payment.

I have the key!

It's right here.

Look. Boop-boop.

See the boop? You can't block
a boop-boop with your hand.

Boop-boop. Look. Turn around.
You'll see it boop-booping.

Mm-mmm. I'm not going to fall for this.
Could be a trick.

What kind of trick?

What am I, a magician?

You need to calm down.
I'm trying to help you.

You are? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Now, what is the address...

from where "your" car was towed?

Okay. Yes.

It was, um... Okay,
well, it's not...

it's not my address,

um, because I was visiting a
friend at the time of the towing.

He was a... It was a new friend.

Naughty.

Are you telling me
that there's no way...

that I could go to my car
without my license...

and get my wallet
which has my money?

You see what I'm laying down?

You see what I'm putting down?
I'm putting that down.

Are you trying to bribe me?

No. That's a shame.

Because I was thinking I might
want Quiznos for lunch today.

- How much?
- $500.

Quiznos does not cost...
$500? It does for me.

Okay, you are going to let me into my car.
Hands off of there.

You are going to let me into my car!
Hands off.

Stop it. Get your
hands off the glass.

Stop it. No.

I can see it! It's right there.

Hands off the glass.
Get out of here.

Give me my car.
It's right there.

No, not my purse! My purse.
No! No! No!

No.

Fuck this.

Yes. Yeah! Suck it, lady!

Oh!

Come on. Go. Come on. Go. Come on.
Go, go, go, go. Come on. Come on.

No, no, no, no, no.

Gotcha.

I know you.

You're stuck again. You gonna...

Hi. I'm Gordon. I'm...
From last night.

How you doing? How you doing?

Any chance you can
pop the sunroof?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

All right, a little more.

Hi.

Watch yourself.

Let's get you out of here. Apparently,
you have some news to deliver.

How did you know?
What are you...

I know everything. Hi.

Where's your car? I
don't have a car.

What? I know, I know.

Damn, what did you
do to yourself?

What did you do to my dress?

How did you guys find me? You
got to get me out of here.

Okay, tell me what's going on.

I can't believe you guys are here.
You guys are...

- We did it!
- God, you're alive!

I can't believe we found you.

Thank you, guys. I
love you so much.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

How did you find me? I got
your friends and your G.P.S.

- Your Keytective thing.
- Oh, my God! Keytective!

My commercial. You
thought of that?

I know. Do you want me to sing it?
No, don't sing it.

- Okay, I'm so sorry that I left.
- No, no. It's okay.

I don't have a bigger
regret in my life.

It led to the most insane...

I don't do this sort of thing at all.
It's okay.

Guys, I hate to interrupt your second
date, 'cause it's really cute,

Suspect in yellow dress...

spotted entering black S.U.V.
moving east on Wilshire.

Bingo. We got her.

Who has my phone? He does.
I got it.

I got it.

Meghan. Where the hell are you?

Yeah, yeah. I'm on my way. Have
hair and makeup standing by.

They're ready. They're ready.
Get here.

And can you connect me
to an outside line?

Hey there. I saw your
ad on Swinging Singles.

Let me ask you something. How can you be
that hot, that young and that single?

Sorry. Got to go. Duty calls.

Lady, get out of the way!

Does the fucking siren not
mean anything to you?

Meghan Miles, This is Chopper
Steve, setting down.

Okay! I got to go.

I'll give you a call.
I got to do the news.

Good luck! No. You come.

I'm not good with helicopters.

Good luck, Meghan! You're
gonna be great! Kill it!

We love you, Meghan!

Christ on a piece of Halibut!
What happened to you?

I need to get to the station.

There's a girl in a yellow dress
out there who almost got killed.

Yeah, yeah. That's nuts.
Let's go.

Let's cut some sky.

Meghan!

We love you, Meghan!
Good luck, Meghan!

You're gonna be great!
Read that news!

It's so exciting!

Let me do all the talking.
No, opposite, opposite.

Ma'am, did you see a woman in a
yellow dress get on that helicopter?

I saw Meghan Miles,

undercover investigator for
KZLA, get on a helicopter.

Wait. The woman we're
chasing is just a reporter?

Dear God, it's worse
than we ever imagined.

The hooker has
infiltrated the media,

where she's posing as
KZLA's Meghan Miles.

What do you mean, she's
infiltrated the media?

So, you're saying that our best friend
Meghan is an undercover hooker?

It looks that way.

So, you have an idiot friend too?
Yeah. Mine's by choice.

You got stuck with
this guy, right?

We have her! Let's move!

Oh, my God, honey.

There's too much to do.
Let's get her on the chair.

Hurry up. Triage. People,
we don't have much time.

Go, go, go, go, go. Let's go.

Ten seconds to air. Come on.

All right, this is gonna be great.
It's up to me, right?

And now, here's Meghan
Miles with your news.

- Perfect.
- In three, two, one.

All right, get out!

Good evening. I'm Meghan Miles.

Our top story... a woman
authorities describe...

as a bitter and deranged
prostitute in a yellow dress...

is rampaging through our city.

This hooker hoodlum's...

Uh...

This working girl's
sinister spree...

began with a dispute with
an immigrant cabdriver...

and would include
evading police,

distributing crack cocaine
and possible hate crimes.

Oh.

In other news...

You know, I know I'm only
supposed to read the news today.

I... can't read this story because
I know that it's not true.

Huh?

Because... this
story's about me.

I'm... I am the Hooker Hoodlum.

Look. Look. It's me.

The yellow dress and the...

I'm the breaking story.

Yeah. I'm your news at 5:00.
You're, uh...

Look at this, huh?

The bad guy of the hour.

Shall we dig a little deeper?

Hooker Hoodlum. Hmm.

Hooker. Yes.

I woke up in a stranger's bed.

A lovely, lovely stranger.

And I had to endure
a really weird,

very long... walk of shame.

Look at these feet. This is
how much I walked right here.

But I am not a hooker.

Which I have said repeatedly
all evening long.

Also, I'm not ashamed. I shouldn't
have called it a walk of shame.

Not ashamed.

And I don't care what
people think anymore,

because it is exhausting.

So let's just let the shame
lie with everyone...

who took one look at a girl in a...
in a...

in this... I mean, this is not, I
agree, the most conservative outfit,

but this should not automatically
make me a pariah or prey.

Meghan, Have you lost your mind?

The point is that
everything I did,

I did because I was trying
to get back here...

so that I could convince
a few people...

that I am someone
that I no longer am.

I am not safe or perfect.

And if I'm going to
tell you the news,

I should be telling
the real story...

and not just reading
this dumb script.

Dan, I'm sorry.

You're the best. You've been
nothing but the best to me.

And you're gonna haul me out of here.
So real quick.

I just need to say that Kyle, I
never want to see you again.

I'm so glad I dumped her. Don't call me.
I won't call you.

We traced your number from a recovered
cell phone used by a drug syndicate.

Rose and Denise,
thank you more...

for being my friends
and coming to get me.

We did good. We crushed it.

- Hey, is it too early for shots?
- Hell to the no.

What are you still doing here?

And, um... New guy, Gordon. Hey.

So, I'm a little bit crazy.

Also, you looked really good in this dress.
I just remembered that part.

And one last thing.

A big shout out to my boys...

Scrilla, Hulk and
especially Pookie.

Aw! Aw!

What I'd tell ya? What?

And his Uncle in chinos. I'm sorry,
I don't remember the rest, Pooks.

What? That's my bitch
from the news.

That's the news.
I'm Meghan Miles.

Be well or, you know, whatever.

Just...

Just be yourself.
I mean, just...

Okay. Thanks, Dan.

- Good luck, Chuck.
- Chuck, move to Meghan's chair.

I think we should
get out of here.

Maybe we should go. Yeah,
I think we should.

Meghan Miles, you
will be missed.

Good day, Los Angeles.
I'm Chuck Rogers.

You know what happened.
I'm not crazy.

Meghan. No, what was
crazy about that?

Incredible. Yeah,
I'm really sorry.

You should hire Chang.

I mean, what an incredible idea
for an investigative series.

The girl in the yellow dress.

Right. But you know I didn't plan that.
It was just what happened.

Even better. Like To Catch
A Predator meets...

Tyra Banks in a fat suit meets
Undercover Millionaire. It's fresh.

Meghan, I know there's something
we can do together at the network.

- What are we talking about?
- It's a reality show.

- I love it.
- Love it.

- Reality?
- Your call.

I need to think about
it and get back to you.

Dan here can get
the ball rolling.

I just need a pair of shoes.

Maybe a sandwich. Get you some shoes.
Oh, some food too.

Maybe brush my teeth. Right?

No, no, you're fine.

Just do some hair fixing.
I got your back, Meghan.

So, what do you have
in mind for us?

- You two are a package?
- Yeah, I'm her producer.

How much to go away?

Hey, babe. There he is.
Arrest him.

Sir, we need you to stand up, put
your hands behind your back.

What are you talking about?

Put your cookies down. Let's go.

What are you doing,
arresting me?

For what? Being too sexy? Ow!

So, your place or mine?
Yeah. Um...

I'd love to show you mine.

It's very empty,
but it has a bed.

Nice. How are we
going to get there?

Ooh, I have not thought of that.

Uh, maybe we should take that cab.
No. No, no.

No time for that. No, it's not.

I never wanna see a cab again.
Okay.

We're gonna walk.
That's fine with me.

This will be more
of an adventure.

There's a place where I can go.

Where all my secrets
no one knows.

I'll meet you there
I'll meet you there

'Cause I don't wanna be
anywhere else but home

♪ Let's go home ♪

♪ Let's go home ♪

♪ Home ♪

♪ Let's go home ♪

Waking up to the walk of shame

♪ Do do, do do One girl ♪

♪ Any walk through Hollywood ♪

♪ Is a walk around the world ♪

Headin' out on the walk of shame

♪ Do do, do do You back out ♪

♪ To the ugly light of day ♪

You thank God for
last night's blackout

♪ Shame ♪

♪ Shame ♪

♪ Shame ♪

♪ Shame ♪

♪ If you can't get it right ♪

♪ At least get it done ♪

You got the world at your sides

♪ Wrong end of the curb ♪

♪ Shame ♪

♪ Shame ♪

♪ Shame ♪

♪ Shame ♪

I've gotta walk on ♪

♪ I've gotta go ♪

♪ I've gotta get back ♪

♪ To what I know ♪

♪ It's almost daylight ♪

♪ I've gotta make it all right ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ I've gotta go ♪

Life is a curtain
coming down around me.

I'm not a stranger to
the change in scene.

I gotta hear what
my heart is saying

♪ Go ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ Gotta walk on ♪

♪ I gotta go ♪

♪ I gotta get back ♪

♪ To what I know ♪

♪ It's been a long night ♪

♪ I'm gonna make it all right ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I gotta go ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ Gotta walk on ♪

♪ Walk on ♪