Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007) - full transcript

[CROWD CHEERING]

MAN:
Mr. Cox?

Mr. Cox?

Mr. Cox?

Guys, I need Cox.

He goes on in two minutes
and I can't find him.

Mr. Cox.

Mr. Cox?

You're gonna have to
give him a moment, son.

Dewey Cox needs to think about
his entire life before he plays.

[$20]



[PIANO PLAYING]

Come on, Nate, let's go play.

I can't, Dewey. I gotta practice.

You can't practice all the time,
Nate. You're already perfect.

All right. Come on,
Dewey, let's go play!

Today's gonna be the best day ever!
NATE: Yeah!

Ain't nothing horrible
gonna happen today.

What do you wanna be
when you grow up, Dewey?

I don't know. Never really
thunk about it before.

When I grow up, I'm
gonna be a great composer.

And a professional baseball player.

Then I'm gonna be an astronaut,
and I'm gonna go to the moon.

There's nothing I won't do
with this long, long life of mine.

For sure.



That's what's great about being young.
There's so much time to do great things.

Let's go play!

[$20]

[MOOING]

My turn!

I got him! I got him!

Catch!

[CLUCKING]

Chicken!

NATE:
Yee-haw!

[LAUGHING]

I challenge you to a duel, sir.

I don't know, Nate.

You know how mad Pa gets
when we play with his machetes.

Come on, Dewey. There's nothing
wrong with a little machete-fighting.

Now, en garde!

Do you yield, sir?
Never!

Prepare to meet your maker.

[SLICES]

[GRUNTS]

Dewey!
Nate!

I'm... I'm... I'm halved!

Oh, we should've listened to Pa.

Dewey, I'm cut in half pretty bad.

In case I don't make it, then
you'll have to be double great

for the both of us.

Wow, that's a lot of pressure, Nate.

You can handle it, Dewey.
Now, run, get Pa!

Holy shit.

This was a particularly bad case
of somebody being cut in half.

I was not able to reattach
the top half of his body

to the bottom half of his body.

Speak English, doc!
We ain't scientists.

I'm sorry, folks. He's gone.

No. Oh, no!

Oh, my God.

Dear God. Oh, Dewey.

It's all your fault, Dewey Cox.

Oh, Pa, you don't mean that.
It's not his fault.

He cut him in half with a machete.

No.

PA: You. You're not half
the boy that Nate was.

You're not even half the boy
that the top half of Nate was

after you cut him in half.

So you're saying I'm less than
a quarter of the boy Nate was?

The wrong kid died.

Ma, I can't smell anything.

You can't smell anything?

I think I lost my sense of smell.

You gone smell-blind, son.

It'll pass, Dewey.

Now, you run on down to the
country store and get us some butter.

And a candle.

We're gonna light us a candle tonight.

[SINGING]
♪ I'm a gamblin' man ♪

♪ I gambled everywhere I go ♪

♪ I'm a gamblin' man

♪ Lord, I gambled from door to door ♪♪

I've never heard no music
like that before.

It's so sad.

That's why it's called the blues, boy.

I think I'd like to play me some blues.

Ain't no 6-year-old boy understand
the true meaning of the blues.

I reckon I might.

You play the guitar?

Never have before.
But I'm a real fast learner.

Well, go ahead.

You put your finger right up there.
Place your hands here. That's it.

That's the G chord.

Now hit the strings with your other hand.

That's it.
There you go.

[PLAYING BLUES MUSIC]

Yeah, just like that.

[SINGING IN DEEP VOICE]
♪ I done a bad thing ♪

♪ Cut my brother in half ♪♪

It's not bad for your first time.

You can do it, Dewey.
You'll be double great.

For the both of us.

[CHATTERING]

Dewey?

Dewey.

Dewey?

Mama, you made it!

There's my favourite 14-year-old son.

Oh, no. Come on, now.
Not in front of the fellas.

Howdy, boys.

ALL:
Howdy, Mrs. Cox.

I just wanted to say break a leg.

I know you boys are gonna
play a real good song.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

I'm just so proud you learned
to play the guitar so good.

Without even having a sense of smell.

It's all right now, Mama.
I learned how to play by ear.

You just go out there and
sing your heart out, you hear?

I will, Mama.

[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

How we gonna follow that?

MAN 1:
Delilah Montgomery, everybody.

Delilah Montgomery.
MAN 2: Very nice!

And now sophomore Dewey
Cox is gonna sing us a song.

So, ladies and germs...

[LAUGHING]

I know, I know.

Please welcome Dewey Cox
and the Dewey Cox Four.

Hi. My name's Dewey Cox.

And this is a little song I
wrote called "Take My Hand."

I sure hope you like it.

The wrong kid died, goddamn it.

Shh!

[SINGING] ♪ Take ♪
CHORUS [SINGING]: ♪ Take, take ♪

♪ Take my hand ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Take my hand ♪

♪ We're gonna walk through the park ♪

♪ I promise to have you
Home before dark ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Home before dark ♪

♪ Oh, life would be so sweet ♪

♪ Walking with you down the street ♪

This music is an outrage!

♪ Come on and take my hand ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Come on and take my hand ♪

It's the devil's music!

DEWEY:
♪ It's all right if you're coy ♪

♪ After all, I'm a boy ♪

♪ And you're a girl ♪

♪ But make no mistake ♪

♪ Yours is the hand
I want to take ♪

♪ So please ♪

CHORUS:
♪ So please, please ♪

DEWEY:
♪ Take my hand ♪

MAN 1:
You're going to hell!

MAN 2:
Blasphemer!

That's it. I want you
out of this house, boy.

You heard the preacher.
Pal

You think we don't know
what you're talking about

when you say "take my hand"?

What do you mean?
It's about holding hands.

You watch your mouth.

You know who's got hands?
The devil.

And he uses them for holding.

I ain't got no room in my house
for no devil's spawn.

Oh, you be careful now, you hear?
Before you go and say something

you're gonna regret
for the rest of your days.

Like what?
Like "the wrong kid died"?

MA:
Oh, no! No!

It's okay. It's okay,
Mama, settle down.

Pa's right.

Springberry ain't big
enough for me no more.

I reckon it's time for
Dewey Cox to move on.

But you're only 14.

Mama, I love you.

But I don't need nobody.

All I need is my music.

I seen my path today,
and I'm gonna take it.

And someday, I'll make my masterpiece,

and you'll all be proud of me.

Just like you were of Nate.

Can I come, Dewey?

Of course you can, Edith.
You're my girlfriend.

I am?
Yeah, silly.

I pointed at you in the audience.

Did you hear that? I'm
Dewey's 12-year-old girlfriend!

You're the most talented man
I've ever seen in my whole life.

And you will never get anything but
unconditional love and support from me

for you and your dreams
the rest of my life.

Well, then, go on.
Get out of this house.

Before I cut your dreams in
half like you cut mine in half.

Goodbye, Pa.

Just wait till you see what happens now.

Here we go.

[SINGING] ♪ Ma and Pa leave
home All the kids get glad ♪

♪ You know our house's
Gonna jump like mad ♪

♪ We're gonna jump
Li'l children, jump ♪

♪ We're gonna jump
Li'l children, jump ♪

♪ We're gonna jump, li'l children
Mama and Papa's gone ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪ Let's jump, jump, jump
Jump, jump, jump ♪

♪ Jump, jump, jump
Jump, jump, jump ♪

♪ Let's jump, jump, jump
Jump, jump, jump ♪

♪ Jump, jump, jump
Jump, jump, jump ♪

♪ We're gonna jump, li'l children
Mama and Papa's gone ♪

♪ You know what I'm saying ♪

♪ We're gonna jump, li'l children
Mama and Papa's gone ♪♪

[LAUGHS, THEN YELLS]

MAN:
Yeah, baby. Wrap it up right there.

My name is Bobby Shad
and these are the Bad Men.

We gonna take a short break,
then we be right back

to rock till the morning light,
all right?

Mr. Shad! Mr. Shad!
Wow, that was really great.

Hey, I play a little guitar.
And if you ever need...

Dewey!
Yes, sir?

I pay you to mop the floor,
not bother the band.

My customers come here to dance erotically,
and they need a clean floor to do it on!

Now, you gonna do your job
or I'll find somebody who will.

Yes, sir.

[YODELLING]

DEWEY [SINGING]:
♪ Lonesome blues ♪♪

Dewey, will you cut out that
racket? I'm trying to feed your child!

How am I supposed to make it as a
famous musician if I don't practice?

Will you stop talking about that music?

But it's my dream, baby.

Daddy said that if we move back home,

he could give you a permanent
job at the slaughterhouse.

You can make an honest living.

Wouldn't have to hang your head in shame,
walking around like some kind of a failure.

I think I'm doing okay for a
15-year-old with a wife and a baby.

Ain't no musician ever made
no money, Dewey.

Edith, I am starting to think

that maybe you don't believe in me.

I do believe in you.

I just know you're gonna fail.

What are you talking about, Edith?
What about my dreams?

Edith, I told you,
I can't build you a candy house!

It will fall down! The sun will
melt the candy! It won't work!

It will if it never rains.

Now, you listen to me. I am
gonna make this dream come true.

Nobody ever said it's gonna be easy.

It's hard.

It ain't easy to walk
to the top of a mountain.

It's a long, hard walk.

It's a rocky road.

But I plan on walking.

Oh, I'm gonna walk.

Hard.

I will walk hard.

Walk hard.

I got a full house coming tonight.

If Bobby Shad can't play
I need to find someone who can.

I'm fine. I can play
through the pain.

Maybe you should've thought about this

before you punched your
landlord while you got the laryngitis.

I guess there's just
no music tonight, boss.

Bullhickey! People come here
to dance erotically!

I ain't got no music,
I ain't got no nightclub.

Excuse me.

I play a little.

I don't know how to tell you this, boy.

You're white.
This crowd will eat you alive.

I been watching Mr. Shad
every night. I know all the songs.

It'll be the same show.

It'll be just like Bobby Shad and
the Bad Men, only it'll be me tonight.

This is crazy.

But I ain't got no other choice.

I don't mean to put more
pressure on you, boy.

The suits from the record company
just got here.

Oh, okay.

Scared?

A little.
Well, you should be.

Those Jews control show business.

Just lay it down exactly like Bobby does.

Good evening. We're Bobby Shad
and the Bad Men. I'm Dewey Cox.

Bobby Shad couldn't be here tonight
so I'm gonna do his show for you.

And I hope you enjoy it.

This first song
we're fitting to do is, uh...

Well, it's about, uh...

[DEWEY LAUGHS]

It's about when your woman catches you.

You know, she catches you
running around town

getting into all kinds of strange.

And she says, "Son, get your lazy,
two-timing, Negro ass up out of here."

And you say to her:
What's he doing? You see that?

[SINGING]
♪ You got to love your Negro man ♪

♪ You got to love your Negro man
Whoo ♪

♪ You got to love your Negro man ♪

♪ You got to love your Negro man ♪

♪ You got to love, love
Love, love, love ♪

♪ Your Negro man ♪

♪ From early in the morning
Till late at night ♪

♪ You know I love your apples
Let me take a bite ♪

♪ You got to love your Negro man ♪

♪ You got to love your Negro man ♪

♪ You got to love, love
Love, love, love ♪

♪ Your Negro man ♪♪

I like what you did out there tonight.
Have you ever made a recording?

Oh, Mr. L'Chaim, Mr. Mazeltov,
that's been my dream.

He's not the one you want.
I'm the one you want.

I think he's the one we want.
He's got a nice thing.

He's not so bad with the singing and
the playing and the shaking of the tochis.

I think you've got what it
takes to make it in the big time.

The big time?

[SINGING] ♪ When the moon
hits your eye Like a big pizza pie ♪

♪ That's amore ♪

♪ When the world seems to shine ♪

What the hell is this?

Pizza pie.
What's in a pizza pie?

♪ Bells will ring Ting-a-ling-a-ling
Ting-a-ling-a-ling ♪

♪ And you'll sing "Vita bella" ♪

All right. Hold, please.
Stop that. Stop your singing!

Stop your singing this
instant, young man!

I will not have this in my studio!

Uh, maybe it was a wrong song choice?

If you would just let me play one of my songs that
I wrote, I think you'll like it a whole lot better.

And there is nothing that you can do

here in this room
that can turn that around.

Nothing you can do that can make up
for what you just did to "That's Amore."

Well, my mother liked it a whole lot.
Your mother was wrong.

I was willing to open my mind

because these Jewish gentlemen
brought you in here.

They usually have good taste.

And now here you are in front
of me pretending you can sing.

And I have to say that today

your performance has shaken
my belief in the Jewish people.

Well, there's nothing
I would like more, sir,

than to restore your faith in Judaism right
now, if you could just give me that shot.

But I'll tell you, you have failed so far, and
if somehow you are able to sing a song now,

bringing these boys together
you haven't even met,

and make something So personal, so new,

that the whole world takes notice,

and that your life
is never the same again...

But I'm telling you right now, I
don't think it's going to happen.

Wait, wait, wait. We're here
already. What could it possibly hurt?

L'Chaim, I'll do it for you.
But just one more song.

All right.

All right, son. I'm gonna
give you 15 more seconds.

Thank you, sir.
I hope you won't regret it.

Dewey, we don't know this song.

You just follow me.

I don't know.

[SINGING]
♪ Walk hard ♪

♪ Hard ♪

Walk hard?

♪ Down life's rocky road ♪

♪ Walk bold ♪

♪ Hard ♪

♪ That's my creed ♪

♪ My code ♪

♪ I been scorned and slandered
And ridiculed too ♪

♪ Had to struggle every day
My whole life through ♪

♪ Seen my share of the worst
That the world can give ♪

♪ But I still got a dream
And a burnin' rage to live ♪

♪ Walk hard ♪

♪ Hard ♪

Here is America's new hit song,
"Walk Hard,"

recorded just 35 minutes ago
by Dewey Cox.

♪ Hard ♪

♪ Though they say ♪

♪ You're not the one ♪

♪ Even if you've been told
Time and time again ♪

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

♪ That you're always gonna lose
And never gonna win ♪

♪ You gotta keep that vision
In your mind's eye ♪

♪ When you're standin' on top
Of a mountain high ♪

He walks so hard.

How do I walk, boys?

CHORUS [SINGING]:
♪ Hard ♪

♪ When I meet my maker
On my dying day ♪

Hello.
A monkey!

♪ I'm gonna look him in the eye
And by God, I'll say ♪

♪ I gave my word
And my word was good ♪

♪ I took it in the face
And I walked as hard as I could ♪♪

Oh, hey, Shorty.
Hello, my darling.

I sang a song at a circus in New Jersey.

They said,
"We'll give you 5 grand.”

I said, "No, you won't.
You'll give me that giraffe.”

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

They did. They gave it right to me.
That is one beautiful giraffe.

Thank you.

[BABIES CRYING]

DEWEY: It'll just be a few weeks, Edith.

EDITH: Who's gonna help
me take care of the children?

Dewey, you have got to
give up this dream.

You're never gonna make it.
Give it up, Dewey.

What are you talking about?
I got a number one hit on the radio.

I mean, I'm playing my music
for people who wanna hear me.

It's everything we always wanted, Edith.

I never get to see you anymore.
Your kids never get to see you.

I don't know how to tell you this.

I'm gonna miss some things, okay?

I'm gonna miss some
birthdays and some christenings.

I'm gonna miss some
births, period. Okay?

Just unrealistic to think I'm gonna be
here for every time you have a baby.

But aren't you happy?
You have a beautiful new home.

All your fancy new clothes and
your monkey and your giraffe.

Look, what else you need?

How about I get you
a crow that could talk?

And I'll teach him phrases that
I say. "Good morning, honey."

But it'll be a little crow talking.
This ain't about no exotic pets!

It's about love,
you stupid piece of shit.

Dewey.

MAN:
Hello, baby!

Yeah, this is the Big Bopper speaking.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you sweet thing.

Do I what?

How are we supposed to follow that?

Don't worry, Dewey, you'll do great.

Thanks, Buddy Holly.
If you don't, I'll pick it right back up.

You got nothing to worry about.
DEWEY: Oh, thank you.

Man, I'm awful nervous, Buddy Holly.

Dewey, you'll be fine,
or my name's not Buddy Holly.

Hey, guys. Change of plans. Elvis wants
to get out of here early. He's hungry.

So we're gonna change the order. After
the Big Bopper, it's gonna be Buddy Holly,

then Elvis Presley,
and then you, Dewey Cox.

So it's the Big Bopper,

and then Buddy Holly,

and then Elvis Presley, and then me?

Yeah. Just for tonight.

Well, I'm just happy to be here.

Elvis!

[CROWD CHEERING]

ELVIS:
Ladies.

Dang, Elvis Presley, you didn't
have to rile them up like that.

What, now?

No, I'm... Excuse me, what?

I'm just saying,
we gotta follow that and...

Listen to this, right now. There's
two things you need to know.

I'm the King.
And number two is:

Look out, man! Look at that
coming at you. You see that?

It's called karate, man, and
only two kinds of people know it.

The Chinese and the King.

And one of them is me.

You're the King.

Come on, man...

[MUMBLING]

Look out, man!

Well, thanks, Elvis.

[ELVIS MUMBLING]

Let's go. Come on, mama.

What the fuck was he talking about?

How y'all doing?
My name's Dewey Cox.

Hey, listen, folks. I'd like to play a
song I wrote for a very special lady.

I'm talking about
Mrs. Dewey Cox.

WOMEN:

CHORUS [SINGING]:
♪ Oh, my darlin' ♪

♪ Oh, my darlin' ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I have a perfect life ♪

♪ You are the perfect wife ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ I sit and cry ♪

♪ And now I miss you so ♪

♪ Please don't let me go ♪

♪ I make mistakes and that is true ♪

♪ At least I learn each time I do ♪

♪ Darling, you must believe ♪

♪ If could never leave you I tried ♪

♪ A life without you ♪

♪ Is no life at all ♪

[WOMEN CHATTERING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Wow, great playing, boys.

The fillies love you, Dewey.

Yeah, if I wasn't a married man with a good
head on my shoulders, I don't know what I'd do.

You gotta get back out there,
Dewey. They are going crazy.

Let me splash some water
on my face. I'll be right back.

Okay. Hurry up!

Golly, that rock 'n' roll. Ha!

Get out of here, Dewey.
What are y'all doing in here?

We're smoking reefer, and
you don't want no part of this shit.

You're smoking reefers?

Yeah, of course we are.
Can't you smell it?

No, Sam, I can't.

Come on, Dewey, join the party.

No, Dewey, you don't
want this. Get out of here!

You know what? I don't want no
hangover. I can't get no hangover.

It doesn't give you a hangover.

Will I get addicted to it or something?

It's not habit-forming.

Oh, okay, well...

I don't know.
I don't wanna overdose on it.

You can't OD on it.

It's not gonna make me
wanna have sex, is it?

It makes sex even better.

Sounds kind of expensive.

It's the cheapest drug there is.

You don't want it.
Hm.

I think I kind of want it.

Okay, but just this once.
Come on in.

What do I do?
Like this.

[$20]

Oh, my.

Well, the tour's going real great, baby.

Yeah, we're having a real nice time.

Yeah, the boys have been playing great,

and the audiences have been
just wonderful, so...

When you coming home, Dewey?
Soon, baby, real soon.

We gotta hit the major markets in the Northeast,
and then hit Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland...

Dewey, could you shut up? I'm trying to
have sex with these women down here.

Who's that?

Oh, that's, uh...
That's Sam.

He's just looking for his drumsticks.
Howdy.

Excuse me.

Anyway, baby, you don't wanna hear about
all this boring stuff. How was your day?

Oh, you know,
just taking care of the kids.

Went down to Wilson's Market
the other day

to pick up some milk. You'd never
guess. They were completely out of milk.

Hey, Dewey?
Yes, Bert?

You want a cup of coffee or something?

No, thank you.

Who's that?
Oh, that's just Bert, my roadie.

Just wants to know if I want any
coffee or anything like that. You know.

Dewey, there's a distance growing
between us, I feel, and I don't like it.

Oh, now, that is crazy talk, Edith.

Come on, you know
I'm just the same old Dewey.

Hey, Dewey.
Yes, Bert?

You seen my sandals?

I don't know.
I'm talking to my wife, Bert.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Baby, there's somebody
at the door. Listen, I gotta go.

Can I call you when I get to New Jersey?

Okay. Bye, Dewey.

I love you.
All right.

I love you.
I love you.

You're never gonna make it, okay?
Okay, bye.

Bye.

Dewey.
Pa.

What are you doing here?

It's about your mama.

Ma? What about her? Is she okay?

We better step out into the hall.

What happened?
I'll tell you what happened.

We were readying for bed when
your song comes on the radio.

It's Dewey!

["WALK HARD" PLAYS
ON RADIO]

Your son is talented.
You should be proud.

Well, I must admit, it is kind of catchy.

Dance with me, Pa.

It does make you kind of
wanna move, doesn't it?

It sure does.

Maybe I have been
kind of hard on little Dewey.

Maybe you have.

Whoo.

[GROANS]

Be careful, Ma.

[SCREAMS]

PA: You all right, Ma?
MA: I'm all right.

[GRUNTS]

She lost her balance

and fell out the window,

and then the radio crushed her head?

While she was dancing to your song.

I thought you should know
what your music does.

It kills people.

You made her happy, and it killed her.

If Nate was alive, this
never would have happened.

Wrong kid died.

[SOBBING]

Get out of here, Dewey.
What are y'all doing in here?

It's called cocaine, and you
don't want no part of this shit.

Cocaine?

What's it do?

It turns all your bad feelings
into good feelings.

It's a nightmare.

I'm thinking maybe I'd like to
try me some of that cocaine.

[SINGING] ♪ When I meet
my maker On my dying day ♪

♪ Look him in the eye
And by God I'll say ♪

♪ I gave my word
And my word was good ♪

♪ I took it in the face
And I walked as hard as I could ♪

♪ Walk hard
Walk hard, hard, hard ♪

♪ Walk hard, hard, hard
Walk... ♪

[GROWLS]

[FEEDBACK SQUEALS]

[YELLS]

All right, again. Faster.

This is crazy, Dewey. Ain't nobody
gonna wanna listen to music like this.

You're standing there
playing as fast as you can,

singing like some sort of punk.

Don't you dare try to stifle me.

Whose band is this anyway,
you cocksucker!

I'll punch you in the mouth!

Oh, God. I'm sorry, Dave.

No, I didn't mean that.

Just with my mama dying and
all, I'm just all twisted up inside.

Mr. Cox?

I heard you were looking for a new
backup singer. For your new duet.

You heard right.

I was wondering if you
might like to give me a try.

I reckon I might.

I've been singing in my
church choir since I was a girl.

I like the sound of that.

Darlene Madison.

Dewey Cox.

Hello, Darlene.

Hello, Mr. Cox.

You ready to sing one?

I'm always ready.

Well, all right.

[SINGING]
♪ In my dreams you're blowin' me ♪

♪ Some kisses ♪

♪ That's one of my favourite things
To do ♪

♪ You and I could go down ♪

♪ In history ♪

♪ That's what I'm prayin'
To do with you ♪

BOTH:
♪ Let's duet ♪

♪ In ways that make us feel good ♪

♪ Let's duet ♪

♪ And make that sacred sound ♪

Uh!

Dewey Cox! I am not
that kind of woman.

Al right.
Well,

that doesn't mean
that we still can't be friends.

Okay.

Well, then, here's to us
being great friends.

I can't! We're friends!

♪ I'm gonna beat off ♪

♪ All my demons ♪

DARLENE:
♪ That's what lovin' Jesus' all about ♪

DEWEY:
♪ Lookin' in your eyes I start believin' ♪

DARLENE:
♪ Let's bring this whisper to a shout ♪

BOTH:
♪ Let's duet ♪

♪ In ways that make us feel good ♪

♪ Put two and two together &

♪ Perfect harmony we've found &

♪ We know it's only natural ♪

♪ Let's duet ♪

[HORSE WHINNIES]

♪ I just wanna make out ♪

♪ What you're sayin' ♪

♪ Read my lips
It's what you're lookin' for ♪

♪ Here I am a-sneakin' up
Behind you ♪

♪ You can always come in
My back door ♪

BOTH:
♪ Let's duet ♪♪

Darlene, these last three weeks have been

so full and wonderful.

We've shared so many
activities together as good friends.

It's like you understand me
the way nobody else ever has.

I mean, if I...

[$20]

[GASPS]

[SHUDDERS]

What is it, Dewey?
I... I don't know.

It's nothing. I'm fine.

Nothing? You look like
you seen a ghost.

I got a lot of pain in me, Darlene.

You should know that.

Where does all that pain
come from, Dewey?

Did you ever have something
that you really loved

that you accidentally...

killed, or hurt in some way,
with a machete?

No, me neither.

Wouldn't that be terrible, though?
How would you live with yourself?

I know, right? Exactly.

[SINGING]
♪ Darling Darlene ♪

♪ Darling Darlene ♪

♪ I'm in love with you
I'm havin' fun with you ♪

♪ I'm in love with you
I'm on the run with you ♪

♪ I'm in love with you
And I'll be one with you one day ♪♪

DARLENE: Thanks for letting
me sleep in your bunk, Dewey.

DEWEY:
Gotta sleep somewhere, right?

Dewey, I can't.
I know. I know.

We both know that the sexual
tension between us is palpable.

Don't you know that I wrestle
with the same temptations you do?

I know I shouldn't be
saying this to you, Dewey,

because we're not married
and we're just friends,

but sometimes I lie awake at
night aching for a man's touch.

And by "a man's touch,"
I mean a penis in my vagina.

It's just so silly.

DEWEY:
Oh, that's so silly.

Well, we better get some sleep.
Okay.

Take my hand, Dewey.

Let's promise to never, ever
give in to our lesser desires.

After all, we're not married.

[$20]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

DEWEY:
I'm ready for sex.

Oh.

I been waiting for this for so long.

Me too.

From the moment I laid eyes on you.

[SNORTING]

Oh.

Oh, my.

Dewey, I'm nervous.

Don't worry, angel.
I'll show you the ways of love.

Whoops-a-daisy.

A Oh!

Oh, Dewey.

EDITH:
Surprise!

Edith!

Who are you?
I'm his wife, that's who I am.

No, you're not. I'm his...

Good Lord, you're already married?
I can explain.

You're gonna explain to her? You should be
explaining to me. I am the mother of your children.

It's not what it looks like.
You have children?

Darling, it's not what it looks like.

It's not what it looks like to me,
or it's not what it looks like to her?

Yeah, because it's gotta be the
way it looks like to at least one of us.

We're married.

I did the right thing. It's
not like we're not married.

If you're already married,
you can't get married again.

I know, I know, and that
was wrong, but it's just...

We were such good friends.

And you told me about that dream
where you were licking my balls,

and that seemed like a signal, and...

I forgot.

I'm leaving you, Dewey Cox,
and I will see you in court!

No, Edith! Don't go.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Oh, well. She's gone now.

I'm leaving too. You got the
order of things all backwards.

Darlene, don't go!

Edith, don't go either!

I made a mistake.
I made a terrible mistake.

[BABY CRYING]

Edith! Edith! Edith!

EDITH: Leave me alone, Dewey.
Honey, I never meant no harm to you.

Edith. Cupcake.

Baby, you don't know what it's like out
there on the road. It's lonely out there.

Edith, I can't be alone.

Okay. Well, maybe you should've thought of
that before you went and got double married.

Is that what this is about?

Don't you stand there and judge
me like I'm some kind of criminal.

You are a criminal.
This is illegal, Dewey.

What do you mean, it's illegal?

It's illegal to be married to two
people at the same time, Dewey.

What about if you're famous?
Is that...?

So you never done nothing
you shouldn't have done to me?

EDITH:
What have I ever done to you?

Like that time you woke up in the middle
of the night and drank up all the milk.

And then I got up to have my
cornflakes, there was none left.

Dewey, you cheated on me!

So I'm a cheater, but you can just
drink up all the milk, and that's fine.

Okay. All right, that's fine, I get
it. You're innocent, and I'm guilty.

Guilty as charged.

[SINGING]
♪ Guilty as charged ♪♪

Don't you dare write a song
right now, Dewey!

You know what? Go ahead.
Take the children. I don't care.

All I need is my music.

I don't need you.

And I don't need you.

And I don't need you.

And I don't need you.

You're just sitting there all
high and mighty in your diaper.

If anything, you need me.
You're a baby.

Come on, Miles.

Don't you dare take Miles.

You can take the children,
but you leave me my monkey.

Fine.

Goodbye, Dewey Cox.

No! No, come back.

Don't leave me, Edith.

"Don't leave me, Edith."
There's a title for a song.

That's not a bad title,
but please don't leave me.

What have you done?

[SOBBING]

[$20]

I'm telling you, I've had it.
I've had it with all this crap.

You took her side every time.

All you care about is fruit and
touching yourself. Well, fuck you.

Get out of here, Dewey. You
don't want no part of this shit.

What y'all doing in here?
We doing pills, uppers and downers.

They're the logical next step for you.

I want some of that shit.

Good morning, Your Honor.
May I approach the bench?

[SINGING] ♪ I don't give a
damn What anyone thinks ♪

♪ I stay up all night
And I smoke and I drink ♪

♪ I'm a wanted man
And I'm blowin' town ♪

♪ Don't waste your time
Tryin' to hunt me down ♪

♪ The cops are sayin'
I belong behind bars ♪

One, two, three, four.
♪ And I'm guilty ♪

CHORUS [SINGING]:
♪ Guilty ♪

♪ I'm guilty as charged ♪

Does Dewey seem unhappy to you?

[SOBBING]

He's changed, I tell you, he's changed.

That was early Dewey,
this is middle Dewey.

Dewey, are you enjoying yourself?

What? Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot you were here.

Hey, Dave. I like your girl better,
let's switch.

Well, Dewey, this is my wife.
Onh, nice to meet you.

Well, this is Kathy.
Kathy, this is Dave.

Come on, darling.
So where you from?

Hi there.

CHORUS [SINGING]:
♪ Guilty ♪

♪ I'm guilty as charged ♪

♪ I ain't askin' God to forgive my sins ♪

♪ Take a good look
And you'll know where I've been ♪

♪ I'm dancin' with the devil
Every night and every day ♪

♪ People pay attention to the things
That I say ♪

♪ Say ♪

♪ If you're sayin' my love is too large ♪

♪ Then I'm guilty ♪

Goddamn it,
this is a dark fucking period!

Freeze! Put your hands
above your head.

DEWEY:
It's not what it looks like.

♪ I'm guilty as charged ♪

Stop!

You got me.

REPORTER: Come on,
Mr. Cox. How about it? Look here.

♪ I'm guilty as charged ♪♪

Cox, you got a visitor.

DEWEY:
Prison has changed me.

I understand the common man
in a way I never did before.

I gotta get out of here, so I can
bring joy to the men back in here.

But I don't wanna live with them.

Lean closer.

[IN YIDDISH]

I'm going to speak to you in my language

so that the guards can't
understand what I'm saying.

[IN YIDDISH]

There must be something you can do.

I'm 21 years old.

I got my whole life ahead of me.

We think we can get you off.

What do I have to do?

You gotta go to rehab.

"Rehab"?
Rehab.

[IN ENGLISH] Rehab?
[IN ENGLISH] Oh, rehab.

Okay, okay, I gotcha.

[$20]

[GROANING]

Doctor! Doctor!

I'm so cold.
We need more blankets.

We need more blankets.

Doctor!

I'm so hot!
I think he has too many blankets.

Fewer blankets!

I'm hot and cold at the same time!

He needs more blankets
and he needs less blankets.

I'm afraid you're right.

Dewey?

My wife sends her love,

asshole.

[SINGING]
♪ Dewey, tall and powerful ♪♪

Dewey, I don't know if you can
hear me in there...

but the wrong kid died.

[YELLING]

Dewey. Do you mind
if we get stoned in here?

Eh, he can't hear you.
He's gonna die anyway.

Are you ready to go home, Dewey Cox?

Darlene.

I could never get you out of my head.

Me neither.

I could never stop thinking about you.

But I wasn't gonna be no home wrecker.

Now that I'm your only wife
though, it seems different.

I'm a new man, Darlene. Prison
and rehab have changed me.

All these blankets have saved my life.

I think you're finally ready to be the
man I always thought you could be.

[$20]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

Let me get this off.

DEWEY:
I love you.

DARLENE:
I love you too.

DARLENE:
Oh, my God.

[THE YOUNGBLOODS'
"GET TOGETHER" PLAYS]

Hey, boys, have you seen Dewey?

I think I saw him in the barn
with that longhaired guy.

Oh, yeah, he was talking
to Charlie. Charlie Manson.

His music is horrible.
But he's a really nice guy.

Oh, couldn't be nicer.
Yeah, he's a nice guy.

Come on, Dewey. It's almost
time for Dewman's cake.

All right. It's just... It's hard for me
to sit around at some birthday party

when I know there's so much
injustice going on in this world.

I know.
My daddy was right.

I can't spend all my time
thinking about Dewey Cox no more.

I've got to think about the other people.

Like your family?

No, I mean, like, people that's
having injustices done to them.

Like women and midgets and such.

I mean, it's 1966, Darlene.
And, baby...

I'm feeling it.

I know. The '60s are an
important and exciting time.

Aren't they? It's like there's
something happening here.

And what it is ain't exactly...

obvious.

I have to try to help people
with my music.

Some people are saying that your
new music sounds a lot like Bob Dylan.

Well, maybe Bob Dylan
sounds a lot like me.

You know, how come
nobody ever asks Bob Dylan:

"Why you sound
so much like Dewey Cox?"

[SINGING]
♪ Mailboxes drip like lampposts ♪

♪ In the twisted birth canal
Of the coliseum ♪

♪ Rimjob fairy teapots
Mask the temper tantrum ♪

♪ Oh, say can you see 'em? ♪

♪ Stuffed cabbage is the darling
Of the Laundromat ♪

♪ The mouse with the overbite ♪

♪ Explained
How the rabbits were ensnared ♪

What the hell is this song about?

I have no idea.

You guys are idiots.
This song is very deep.

♪ Inside the three-eyed monkey
Within inches Of his toaster-oven life ♪♪

What do your parents think
about your protest songs?

What do your parents think about
my protest songs, Mr. TIME Magazine?

[SINGING]
♪ All the elevator buttons ♪

♪ So incredibly high ♪

♪ I stand today for the midget ♪

♪ Half the size of a regular guy ♪

♪ Let me hold you, little man ♪

♪ As the parade passes by ♪

♪ Let me hold you, little man ♪

♪ We'll make believe you can fly ♪

♪ You shout for me to put you down ♪

♪ But I'm marching today
For your cause ♪

♪ I'm banging the drum
Your big day will come ♪

♪ When they remake
The Wizard of Oz ♪

[CROWD CHEERING]

♪ So let me hold you, midget man ♪

♪ Pretend that you're flying in space ♪

♪ Let me hold you, midget man ♪

♪ So the dog will stop
Licking your face ♪

Sing with me!

♪ Na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na ♪♪

Sing it!

Mr. Cox, why are you going to India?

Well, I'm searching for
something, if you must know.

I'm fixing to do me some
meditating with the maharishi.

And Dewey Cox needs India right now,

and, heck, I reckon India
needs Dewey Cox too.

[HUMMING]

Only through meditation can we
begin to understand our role.

We're nothing but grains of sand.

That was freaking
transcendental, Paul McCartney.

Don't you agree, John Lennon?
Yes, Dewey Cox.

With meditation there's no limit
to what we can

imagine.

What do you think, George
Harrison of the Beatles?

I don't know. You know, I'm just trying
to get some more songs on the album.

And as Ringo Starr, I'm not
so interested in meditation.

I just like to have fun.

I like the little one.
It's so dark in this tent.

Reminds me when we, the
Beatles, the four Beatles, us...

From Liverpool.
Yes, we are from Liverpool.

We used to play those dark clubs
in Hamburg. Remember that, Paul?

Of course I do, I booked them.
I'm the leader of the Beatles.

Well, I have to say I like
your stuff. It's pretty good.

And most of your records, I really enjoy.

We're big fans of your records too.

We like to think that Hard Day's
Night is our Guilty as Charged.

Great record.
PAUL: Excellent album.

We learned a lot from you.
Great record.

Well, we're big fans of y'all.

Huge fans. You guys are almost as
good as the Monkees. You guys are great.

I think I might adjourn to another
dimension, take some LSD.

Do you care to join me?
Yeah, let's do that.

Care to join us for some LSD,
Dewey? It's good for you.

PAUL.: Built by scientists, it is.
Lysergic.

Gotta check with headquarters.

Come on, Dewey Cox.
Think you might enjoy it.

Open your mind to a new experience,
a new level of consciousness,

like we do, because we are the Beatles.

Why don't you just let him decide.
If he wants to take LSD, he'll take it.

He doesn't have to listen to
you. You're not the boss of him.

Don't tell me what to say and
what not to say, Paul McCartney.

I'm sick of you being so dark when I'm
so impish and whimsical. I'm sick of it.

Hey, everyone,
I've got a brand-new mantra:

Mmm. Paul's a big fat cunt.

GEORGE: Don't know why you
two don't let me write more songs.

You know, I just sit here while me
guitar quietly whimpers, you know.

Well, you are the quiet one, so
why don't you shut the fuck up?

I've got a song about an octopus.

Jam it up your ass. You're lucky
we still let you play drums.

Wow, seems like there's a rift
happening between the Beatles.

I wonder if your songs will
still be shit when I'm 64.

Great sod.
MAHARISHI: No, stop it!

PAUL:
You bastard! You sissy.

Beatles. Please stop
fighting here in India.

No, no, let them go.
Let them work it out.

PAUL:
Taste it.

JOHN:
Right there in the bollocks.

PAUL: Bastard!
JOHN: Cunt!

Dewey, you been living clean
for three years now,

and it's done you a world
of good, has it not?

Look, I know I've had my
trouble with drugs in the past.

But I'm addicted to coke, weed,
booze, ludes and speed. Not LSD.

Nobody gets addicted to LSD.

It was invented by scientists.
Ringo Starr just told me.

I heard that doing LSD
can awaken your demons.

I ain't got no demons gonna get woke.

If you promise
it'll just be this one time.

Okay.

Let's go drop acid with the Beatles.

[MEN HUMMING]

Hello, Dewey.

Welcome to your LSD trip.

Where everything's a cartoon.

We're the trippy cartoon Beatles.

Look at that. It's a flying fish.

Totally trippy!

Wow, this LSD's all right.

I like being a trippy cartoon.

Just keep thinking happy thoughts, Dewey.

I'd hate for this
to turn into a bad trip.

Uh-oh.
Uh-oh?

What's that scary music?

I had an unhappy thought.

It's a bad trip.

Bad trip, bad trip!

Help! Trippy machete!

Oh, fuck me.
I can see my large colon.

Uh! I guess I do
have some demons.

You all right, Cox?

I don't know.

Do you want some more LSD?

Yeah. I think I do.

[LAUGHING]

Mr. Schwartzberg, you're his long-time
manager. Maybe you can talk to him.

Well, what's the problem?

He's been on that trampoline
for four days.

You have got to talk some
sense into him. I'm worried.

Dewey, as your manager, I
have to tell you I'm concerned.

I think the LSD has changed you.

It has changed me.
It's opened my mind right up.

I'm reinventing music.

I'm creating something new
that I call "shmusic."

You've been recording the
same song for eight months.

You're not even close to being finished.

That's because this record is different
than any other record I've made.

I told you. This is going to be
my masterpiece.

The one I'm remembered by.
This one's for my brother.

What brother?

Nothing. Never mind. It's private.

DEWEY [SINGING]: ♪ I just
close my eyes When I fantasize ♪

♪ Much to my surprise
I'm only half the size ♪

♪ That I used to be ♪

♪ Bye-bye, pastures of plenty ♪

♪ I don't know where I will ♪

♪ Roam ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Black sheep, Black sheep ♪

This is not a good song.

It's like five songs on top
of each other at the same time.

Not even a song.
It's some kind of concerto.

♪ Now that the blade
Has been swung ♪

Just let him work it out.

Masterpieces take time.

[GOAT BLEATING]

Do you hear that?
I think that goat's been singing

more than I am on this damn song.

DEWEY [SINGING ON RECORDING]:
♪ Me ♪♪

It's still not finished yet.

I'm hearing more
aboriginal percussionists.

And I want an army of didgeridoos.
Fifty thousand didgeridoos!

Folks, can we have a moment with Dewey?

What the hell are these songs about?

You're singing about
cutting people in half...

Ssst-tt-tt-tt.

I'm working something out.
It's called a metaphor.

Well, what are you working out?

It's secret. That's why it's
called metaphor. It's a secret.

That's what metaphor
means. Secret.

I just don't see why you gotta
throw away the recipe, is all.

Why don't we just go in there,

lay down some tracks like we always done?

Yeah, why can't we just walk hard?

Yeah, Dewey, what do we
need all these people for?

I don't need people
around me stifling me.

So if you don't like it,
there's the door.

Dewey?

Are you saying you don't need us no more?

Not unless you can open your mind
and learn to play the fucking theremin.

Fuck you, Dewey!

Yeah, fuck you, Dewey.

In 20 years not once have you
thrown a woman my way.

You don't think we like
cheating on our wives too?

And you never once paid
for drugs. Not once!

You pay that chimp more than you pay us.

I had to borrow from the chimp
to get a mortgage on my house.

And those stupid Siamese glass cats
you get us every year for Christmas.

I don't want any more Siamese glass cats!

The Siamese cat is a symbol
of nobility in ancient Egypt.

SAM:
Fuck nobility!

Fuck ancient Egypt.

Fuck cats!

And you never paid for drugs.

Not once.

You slept with my wife.

You slept with me too!

And I've had confused feelings
about that for 10 years now!

And you never once paid for drugs.

Not once.

You're on your own, Dewey Cox.

We're leaving.

Well, I guess this is the end of a
chapter in your life, Dewey Cox.

[GRUNTING]

What's happened to you, Dewey Cox?

Stay out of this, Darlene!

You're driving away the people
who love you most!

I don't need anybody, Darlene.

All I need is my music.

This ain't about your music,
Dewey. It's about the drugs.

Honey, I told you I'm gonna quit again.

As soon as the record's done.
Whenever that might be.

Look, you can't rush a masterpiece.

You need to take a break, Dewey. You
need to clean yourself up, otherwise...

Otherwise what?

Otherwise I can't be married
to you no more.

I know you don't mean that.

I believe you know that I do.

Okay.

Okay?
Okay.

You'll take a break?

I will take a break.

And you'll quit the drugs?

And I will quit the drugs.

Dewey!

Oh, baby. I've been praying
about this day for so long.

What did you just put in your mouth?
Gum.

You ain't chewing no gum.
Candy?

What did you put in your mouth?
It's PCP.

Oh, you just said...!

Wow.

I'm going to town!

[DEWEY COX'S "THERE'S A CHANGE
A-HAPPENIN' (I CAN FEEL IT)" PLAYING]

MAN 1:
Get out of the road, you jerk!

MAN 2:
There he is!

DARLENE: Dewey! Get off
that building! It's inappropriate!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Dewey Cox, you give me no choice.

It breaks my heart, but I'm leaving you.

DEWEY:
I'm Zeus!

[CACKLING]

No mortal can stop me!
I'm Zeus!

Rehab?
Rehab.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

[GROANING]

Nate!

Ah! Nate?

This is what I'd look like
if I'd grown up into an adult

and perhaps hadn't have
been murdered, or whatever.

I just came to tell you you
need to get your shit together!

I know.

I've fallen again.

Will you listen to yourself? You
keep whining like a little bitch.

If I was alive right now, I'd be the
fucking president of the United States.

I'd be on the moon, walking
around looking for aliens to Kill.

What?
You know why

Dad liked me better than you?

Because I was better than you.

When I played the piano,
I was fucking awesome.

Well, you think it's been easy for me?

Since you're gone
I got no sense of smell.

Oh, you got no sense of smell?

You can't smell anything?
You can't smell anything?

I got no sense of having legs, Dewey!

I have no life! I'm dead
because somebody...

I'm not gonna point out names right now.

...Decided to murder me with a machete.

Nate.
I can't even smell, touch, feel.

I can't even masturbate. You ever try
to jerk off with a ghost hand? Nothing!

I'm just trying to say
you need to fix this shit.

You need to get out of that bathtub.
You need to start writing songs again.

[VICKI SUE ROBINSON'S
"TURN THE BEAT AROUND" PLAYS]

[SOBBING]

Stay in it. Stay in it.

No! Why can't I write
a fucking song anymore?

[YELLING]

[SINGING]
♪ I had it all ♪

♪ I had it all ♪

And then I fucked up, goddamn it!

Schwartzy, I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know what's going on with me.

I got the song block.

Song block.

You know what? I don't
need to write any new songs.

I'll just do my old ones. We'll do
a oldies tour. I'll do "Walk Hard."

Dewey, "Walk Hard" is over 20 years old.

Well, a lot of people like my old songs.

Old people like your old songs.

May I make a suggestion?

I got a call from CBS.

They wanna do a show with you.

Television, Dewey. It's the
way into the people's hearts.

[$20]

ANNOUNCER:
Live from Burbank, California.

It's The Dewey Cox Show.

And now your host, Dewey Cox!

[SINGING] ♪ Walk hard ♪
CHORUS [SINGING]: ♪ Hard

♪ Hard ♪
CHORUS [SINGING]: ♪ Hard

♪ Down life's rocky road ♪

♪ Walk bold ♪
♪ Bold ♪

♪ Hard ♪
♪ Hard ♪

♪ That's my creed ♪

♪ My code ♪

♪ Walk hard ♪♪

ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned. When
we come back, Cox sings David Bowie.

[SINGING]: ♪ There's a
starman Waiting in the sky ♪

♪ He'd like to come and meet us ♪

♪ But he thinks he'd blow our minds ♪♪

ANNOUNCER: We'll be right
back with more Cox after this.

I mean, what do I have to do to
get you on my bone? Invent fire?

And then huge laugh and we go
to commercial. All right, take five.

Hey. Ha-ha! Ha!

Great rehearsal, Dewey.
Very funny sketch.

Thank you. Schwarzberg,
have you seen the ratings?

We're getting our ass kicked
every week by The Incredible Hulk.

Well, last night's episode
was a very special episode.

They revealed that the
Incredible Hulk has an evil twin.

And he's not green. He's red.

I know. It was amazing.
Did you see it?

You can't compete with that. But,
listen, we do need to do more promotion.

So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna
introduce people to the new Dewey Cox.

In fact, I got a girl here right now to interview
you. She's from the local affiliate in Dallas.

Oh. I don't know.
I'm not so good on interviews.

Bubbe, it's a puff piece.
It's very puffy.

All you have to do is remind the audience

that you're not mainlining acid anymore.
And that the show, it's a lot of fun, right?

You're having fun.
Yeah.

And it's on every Thursday
night at 8 after the local news.

"It's on every Thursday night at 8:00, right after
your local news. And I'm not mainlining acid."

Anymore.
Oh, I'm not gonna promise that.

Whatever you're comfortable with.
"I don't smoke angel dust anymore.

So don't be afraid."
Something like that?

So why don't you tell us about
your new television programme?

Well, Gall, it's a variety show.
I do a little bit of everything.

I do some singing, some dancing,
some chatting with the guests,

the skits, the monologues, the comedy.

Wonderful. Comedy.

It really is a lot of fun.

Well, we're gonna have
more fun when we come back

from this word from our sponsors.

Don't go away.

Ooh. Okay, you know what? I gotta
tell you, my heart goes out to you.

I know what it's like to be on a
piece-of-shit television programme

because I'm hosting one right now.
Excuse me?

Must wanna blow your fucking
brains out, I'll bet. I know I do.

And we're back
with Mr. Dewey Cox.

And we're talking about the
fun he's having on his show.

But right now, let's talk about your
lovely wife, Darlene. How's she doing?

Darlene and I separated
some years ago, Gail.

Oh, okay. Guess I didn't
do my homework.

And to answer your question,
I miss her terribly.

Well, that's sweet.

Now, tell me, why don't we talk about your
parents? They've gotta be proud of you.

Well, my mom is dead.

And my pa and I don't
speak to each other,

so we're not very close.

We can always cut around
this if it gets too pathetic.

Tell us about your kids. I know
you got a whole slew of them.

What's going on with them?

I'm locked in a custody
battle at this time.

Custody is trying to be forced
upon me, which I don't think is right.

You know, if you don't want
the responsibility of children,

you should be able
to walk away from that,

and apparently a couple of my
ex-wives don't feel the same. So, yeah.

Wherever my kids are, I'm sure
they're watching The Dewey Cox Show

on Thursday nights at 8:00,
right after the local news.

And, uh, I just wanted to say
to everyone out there

I'm no longer mainlining acid
or smoking PCP.

It's official.

Um, okay. Why don't we, uh,
lighten it up just a bit here?

Tell me, you're so busy, Dewey Cox, do
you have time to stop and smell the roses?

I've got no fucking sense of smell.

All right, I'm done.

Come on, now, folks.
Do a little research.

That would've been
nice information to have. Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Yeah.

Nate? Dewey.

You were supposed to be
double great for the both of us.

What the fuck is this bullshit?

I know.
All I'm asking

is that you write one masterpiece

that is the culmination
of your entire life.

How hard is that?

I'm empty, Nate. What do I do?

Dewey, who's the one person in
your life who's made you feel like shit?

You need to talk to him, Dewey.

I don't know.
You need to hug him.

I have been putting this off
my entire life,

but I think you might be right.

[SINGING]
♪ The wrong kid died ♪

[HUMMING]

Hello, Pa.

What do you want?

I feel like there's some
things I need to say to you.

Well, go on. Talk.

I've realised that...

I never really said I was sorry
for what happened with Nate.

Pa, I've spent my entire life

trying to find love with wives

and hotel clerks

and tollbooth attendants

and giraffes and monkeys and trampolines

and men who dress like women
and men who look like you.

And I realised the only person
I've ever really wanted to love me

was you, Pa.

Dewey, I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything, Pa.

I just wanted to come here
and tell you that I loved you

and I always have.

I appreciate you finding the
courage to say that, Dewey.

But there's only one way to settle this.

Machetes.
What?

The right kid is gonna die tonight.

[SCREAMING]

You've been practicing!

[YELLING]

Oh! Ow!

No, Pa. No!

I been waiting for this for a long time!

You have?

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness!

I halved myself.

Pa! No, Pa!

Dewey, I guess I never
realised until this moment

just how easy it is to
accidentally cut someone in half.

It is, right?

I'm sorry for blaming you, Dewey.

Of course you didn't mean
to cut Nate in half.

It's all so obvious now.

Pa.

I should've been a better father
to you, Dewey.

I wish I spent more time
playing catch with you

and less time training my body and
mind to kill you in a machete fight.

You be a better father than I was, Dewey.

I'll try, Pa.

It shouldn't be that hard.

In case I don't make it...

Pa! You're gonna make it!
It's the 1970s!

They got all kinds of new procedures
that can attach tops to bottoms now!

Hang in there!
Dewey, I love...

I love...

You love what?

Pa, you love what?

Come on, one more word!

No!

[DEWEY COX'S "WEEPING
ON THE INSIDE" PLAYING]

[SOBBING]

Dad?

Yes, what is it, son?

I was just wondering
if you wanna have a catch.

A catch?

Son,

there is nothing in this world
I want more

than to have a catch with you.

Son, forgive me,
this is going to sound strange,

but what is your name again?

I'm Dewey Junior, but my
friends call me "Dewdrop."

Well...

[LAUGHS]

It's nice to formally meet you, Dewdrop.

So this is catch.

This is what I been missing out
on all them years on the road, huh?

I like it, it's wonderful. You throw
it to me, I throw it back to you.

It's so simple, and yet so powerful.

Boy, you're really terrible at this game.

Well, I mean, you never really
played with me before.

How am I supposed to learn?
A boy needs a dad.

Yes, he does.

Well, I reckon we got some
lost time to make up, you and me.

And all your brothers and sisters
too. How many of you are there now?

Twenty-two brothers and sisters. And
also 14 half-brothers and half-sisters.

Holy shit.

This may take a while.

That's real good.

[GRUNTS]

So beautiful.

['COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYS]

Are you sure you're one of mine?

DEWEY:
Go ahead and taste some dirt.

That's good dirt. That's good dirt.

On the surface, Macbeth is about revenge.

But what is the subtext?

A power struggle for the Scottish
royal family, that's what it is.

I just gave you it.
That one's a mulligan.

Yeah.

Hello, Dewey.

Darlene.

It's Dewina's birthday. I brought
her a present. It's a bracelet.

How's Glen Campbell?

He and I split up a long time ago.

Really?

It's just me these days.

At age 50.

Would you care to take a walk
with me, Darlene Madison?

Well, I haven't been playing too
much music the last few years.

I realise now I wasn't much of a
father when I was out on the road.

Now this is what makes me happy.

Not the music, not getting high,

just my family.

That's all I care about.

And that family is missing
one piece, Darlene.

My God, you're as beautiful
as the day I met you.

You don't want this dirty old Cox.

Oh, I want it more than ever.

Did you wash your hair today?

I sure did. How could you tell?

It smells terrific.

I smelt it.

You mean...?

I smelt it!

I can smell again!

I smelt it!

I smell you.
Smell it.

Oh, you've been driving a while.

I smelt it! I smelt it!

I smelt it, God!

It's a miracle!

I smell you, flowers.

I smell you, twig.

I smell horseshit!

It's horrible!

But I can smell it!
DARLENE: Smell that shit, baby!

I smelt it.

Oh.

Anyway, that's when I learned

that Quaaludes and
water-skiing do not mix.

Now, you remember that.

How come you did all
of that stuff, Grandpa?

Well, Dewey Rahim, I'll tell you.
I was young and stupid then.

I didn't understand a lot of things.

Think it had to do with how
I was reared as a boy.

But, you know, I got no complaints.

It's been a beautiful ride.

A beautiful ride?

[$20]

A beautiful ride.

Dewey, sweetheart,
there's someone here to see you.

Mr. Cox.

I'm sorry, have we met?

You worked with my father,
Kvetch L'Chaim.

You're Mr. L'Chaim's boy?

Dreidel L'Chaim, that's me.

Well, it's nice to see you again,
Dreidel L'Chaim.

The pleasure's all mine.

Listen, Mr. Cox, there's
something I want to show you.

MAN [SINGING ON VIDEO]: ♪ I never
rock a fella But I rock a Cinderella ♪

♪ While she's sittin' in between
A nigga"s legs like a cello ♪

♪ Must be those pair of double-Ds ♪

♪ That got a nigga sittin'
Rock-hard in his jeans ♪

♪ Time to play
Make your mouth into a hole, yo ♪

♪ Tell me how I feel
When I'm rockin' your boat ♪

♪ I wanna make you fuckin' ♪
♪ Hard ♪

♪ I'm so wet, I gotta make you ♪

♪ Hard ♪♪

Mr. L'Chaim, how could you
allow them to do such a thing

with my husband's music?

Through the roof, we're selling.

Lil' Nutzzak.
That's the rapper. Sweet kid.

Anyway, he's introduced
a whole new generation

to the magic of Dewey Cox.

You could even play together. Cox
and Lil' Nutzzak. What a package.

Anyway, as if that was not enough,

they're gonna give Dewey the
Lifetime Achievement Award next month.

The Lifetime Achievement Award?

Baby, that's wonderful.

You go on TV, they give you the award,
you play a song, it's a magical thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I can't go on TV and play.

What? Why not?
BOY: Why, Grandpa?

Hell, I'm 71 years old. I don't
even know if I can rock no more.

Of course you can rock, sweetheart.

Of course you can rock, sweetheart.

Well, I don't know that I can rock.

And besides that...

I gave that life up for a reason.

I'm afraid of the temptations, Darlene.

You can do it, Dewey.
I know you can.

Just go out there and sing your song.

I'm gonna need my band.

["WALK HARD"
INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS ]

My hip.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Jewel, Lyle Lovett
and Jackson Browne.

[SINGING]
♪ Walk hard ♪

♪ Hard ♪

♪ Down life's ♪

♪ Rocky road ♪
♪ Rocky road ♪

♪ Walk bold ♪

♪ Hard ♪

♪ That's my creed ♪

♪ My code ♪
♪ My code ♪♪

Hi.
Hey there.

Hello.

Oh, he is so cute.

What are you doing later, Dewey?

I am returning to the hotel
with my family.

Good night to you.

He fucked my grandma.

That's awesome.

ANNOUNCER:
Ghostface Killah.

[RAPPING] ♪ Walking
hard I'm a real hard walker ♪

♪ Fast on the trigger
And a smooth talker ♪

♪ My guns pop out
Like a jack-in-the-box ♪

♪ I'll cut you in half like Dewey Cox ♪

♪ Walk hard ♪
♪ My skin stays scarred ♪

♪ You can ask God ♪

♪ Lots of ladies
Unsnapped they bras ♪♪

SAM:
Oh, no. You're adorable.

Sam. What are y'all doing in here?

Dewey, get out of here.
You don't want no part of this shit.

What is it?

It's a medication
for erectile dysfunction.

It gives you a boner.

Not to be used if you have
a preexisting heart condition.

If boners last for more than
four hours, call more ladies.

Well, that does sound tempting.

But do you know what, Sam? I
really don't want no part of that shit.

Did you hear what I said?
It gives you a boner.

Hate to let you down, old friend,

but I don't wanna succumb
to the temptations.

[SINGING] ♪ My girl ♪
♪ My girl ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout my girl, yeah ♪

♪ My girl ♪

Ah! The Temptations!

♪ When it's cold outside ♪

♪ I got the month of May ♪♪

We heard him sing about walking hard,

and we learned a little something
about how we wanted to walk.

What do we think about
when we think about Cox?

He's been called the Drifter.

Also the Shape Shifter, the
Master Chef, the Chameleon.

The Problem Child.
The Hard One.

The White Indian.
The Giant Midget.

If Elvis and Buddy Holly are
the Cain and Abel of rock 'n" roll,

and Bruce Springsteen is Zechariah,

Iggy Pop is Methuselah,

and, of course, Neil Young
is the wise prophet Ezekiel,

then what does that make Dewey Cox?

Well, I don't know what God...

Um, Mr. Cox?

I don't wanna rush him,
but he goes on in a minute.

Shh.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my great honor to introduce

for the first time on-stage in 25 years,

performing his final masterpiece

that will sum up his entire life...

Mr. Cox?

VEDDER:
...the one, the only...

I'm ready.

...Mr. Dewey Cox.

Thank you very much for
that, ladies and gentlemen.

You'll forgive me if I'm a bit rusty.

This is the first song I've written
in a very long time.

I hope you enjoy it.

[SINGING]
♪ Now that I have lived ♪

♪ A lifetime's worth of days ♪

♪ Finally I see ♪

♪ The folly of my ways ♪

♪ So listen when I sing of ♪

♪ The temptations of this world ♪

♪ Fancy cars and needles ♪

♪ Whisky, flesh and pearls ♪

♪ And then in the end ♪

♪ It's family and friends

♪ Loving yourself ♪

♪ But not only yourself ♪

♪ It's about the good walk
And the hard walk ♪

♪ And the young girls
You've made cry ♪

♪ It's about make a little music
Every day till you die ♪

♪ It's a beautiful ride ♪

CHORUS [SINGING]:
♪ Beautiful ride ♪

DEWEY:
♪ A beautiful ride ♪

CHORUS [SINGING]:
♪ Beautiful ride ♪

DEWEY:
♪ Beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful ride ♪

♪ As I stand
On the precipice of death ♪

♪ My perspective is enormous ♪

♪ Every leaf, every cloud

♪ I see the hands
Which have formed us ♪

♪ And some days all you got ♪

♪ Is a nighttime graveyard walk ♪

♪ And you whistle
Some sweet melody ♪

♪ To the ghosts down at the dock ♪

♪ Sing into your hand ♪

♪ Lead the marching band ♪

♪ Don't you let 'em fade
Your colours grey ♪

♪ 'Cause when all is said and done ♪

♪ When youth is spent and burned ♪

♪ You'll see that it's all about ♪

♪ Music ♪

♪ Flowers ♪

♪ Babies ♪

♪ Sharin' the good times ♪

♪ Travelin' not just for business ♪

♪ Accepting your mortality ♪

♪ This is finally what I've learned ♪

♪ And then in the end ♪

♪ It's family and friends

♪ Loving yourself ♪

♪ But not only yourself ♪

♪ It's about the good walk
And the hard walk ♪

♪ And the young girls
You've made cry ♪

♪ It's about make a little music
Every day till you die ♪

♪ It's a beautiful ride ♪

♪ Beautiful ride ♪

♪ Beautiful ride ♪

♪ Beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful ride ♪

CHORUS [SINGING]:
♪ Beautiful ride ♪

♪ Beautiful ride ♪

♪ Beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful ride ♪♪

["( HATE YOU) BIG DADDY"
PLAYS]

["(HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS)
DEWEY COX DIED" PLAYS]

["FARMER GLICKSTEIN" PLAYS]

MAN [SINGING]:
♪ Walk hard ♪

♪ Hard ♪

♪ Down life's ♪

♪ Rocky road ♪

♪ Walk bold ♪

♪ Hard ♪

♪ That's my creed ♪

♪ My code ♪

♪ Walk hard ♪

♪ Walk hard ♪

♪ Walk hard ♪

♪ Walk hard ♪♪