Waking Up in Reno (2002) - full transcript

You know, relationships can be
a lot like a loaf of bread.

At the beginning, they're hot and fresh,

and you can always get a rise.

But with time, if you don't
knead 'em carefully,

they grow old and stale.

Now, I know that life
ain't no easy-bake oven.

But with the kids and my husband's job,

it's almost as if we've
forgotten to add the yeast.

So I'm hoping this trip to Reno

with our best friends, candy and Roy,

will be just what the doctor ordered.



"F"...

"L"...

"O"...

Can't you see it, Darlene?

No. It's kinda hard to make out.

I think I'm just nervous, doc,

'cause Lonnie Earl and I have
got to go on vacation tomorrow,

and I'm just not real good
about leavin' home.

Tracy regal, call the operator.

Okay...

All right, baby. Move that sign.

I'm tryin' to sell some cars here.

Hey, Lonnie Earl dodd here.
Guess what, folks.

It's time for our annual
presidents' day blowout sale,



and I gotta tell you,
I'm feelin' rather patriotic.

And I guarantee we won't be
undersold by anybody,

and if you can't trust
ol' Lonnie Earl dodd,

then you can't trust anybody.

All right now, Darlene, just go ahead

and use one or two of those
drops if you feel the need,

especially out there on that old
i-40 around the mojave desert.

You just, go on and
have yourself a vacation.

Thanks, doc.

Roy?

Hey, Roy!

I got to call candy

and see if she's bringing any nice clothes.

She home? Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, I can't find
that husband of yours nowhere.

I've called all over the place...

The dealership, everywhere...
And I can't rouse him.

Well, you know Lonnie Earl.
He's probably up to no good.

And if you can't trust me,
who can you trust?

And remember... if you can't
trust me, Lonnie Earl...

Is there a problem?

You're damn right there is!

How come you got to take a shower after?

You feel dirty?

'Cause I sure as hell feel dirty.

My god, Lonnie Earl.
We're filthy.

I'm not. I'm zestfully clean.

Shit!

How could you do that to me?!

One minute you're cryin'
on my shoulder about Darlene,

the next minute you're
bangin' me from behind!

Well, you told me not to look at you.

I got to send a sample over to the lab.

Turn your head and cough.

Don't waste your time
worryin' about it, though.

Y'all just go on and enjoy your vacation.

Well, you know, I guess you're right,

'cause I know worryin' about it
ain't gonna change nothin',

is it? That's right.

So... what y'all got lined up?

Lonnie Earl's got a bet with ol' bill Moore

that he can eat this giant ol'
72-ounce steak in amarillo.

Horseshit.

Then we're gonna pop
up to the Grand Canyon,

'cause Darlene's always wanted to see that.

And, you know what a partier candy is.

She's just lookin' for the night life

and the shows and
the gamblin' and all that.

But the big thing is,

we got tickets to the monster truck jam.

Yeah, yeah.
That sounds like a big time.

You know, Roy, I could,
send the test results

over to candy's folks,

let them know when they come in.

No. No, sir.

I don't want...
Them worryin' or nothin',

so I'd like to be the first to know.

Well, all right, then.

I'll just wait to hear from you.

And don't you worry.

I'll bet you that everything's
gonna be just fine.

Beautiful emerald...

Do you have to go outside, miss thing?

Come on, sweetie.

Come on.

It's a bird. It's a plane.
No, it's Superman!

Lane Aaron dodd, get your ass
down from there right now!

But I'm Superman!

Your butt's gonna be super red,
if you don't do as I say.

Hey, good-lookin'!

Jesus h. Christ, Roy. Dear.

Don't do that!
I'm sorry, darlin'.

God, you almost made me piss on the rug!
I'm sorry.

Why are you so jumpy? I just...

What the hell are you doin' here
in the middle of the day?

Shouldn't you be at work?

Well, your daddy asked me
to run some errands for him,

so I thought I'd just kinda stop
by and see if you was ovulatin'.

Well, I don't know if I am or not.

Well, you're dressed like
you should be ovulatin'.

What?

Roy, no. Not right now. Come on.

That towel will come off... you
should go to work, you know?

Daddy will miss you, and then
there'd be a lot of shit,

and he'll get pissed off, and...

Darlin', it ain't possible
for him not to get pissed off.

He ain't gonna have no problem with it

if he thinks we're making a grandbaby.

Roy... real quick? Just a little quickie.

I can't do this right now, god damn it.

Very fast? I have...

Sweetheart...
I have a ton of shit to do.

I got to pack.
We got to leave tomorrow, baby!

Reno!

All... all right.

Candy, wh...

What the hell happened
to our wedding picture?

Cat.

Too much catnip, you know?

Murphy? Yes. Baby...

He must've mule-kicked
the dang...

I have to tell you somethin'.

Come over here.

What? You ready?

What? Okay.

So I've been thinkin', and...

You know what I really want to
do when we get to Reno?

I want to renew our wedding vows.

W-Why? What... what for?

Because it's romantic, Roy.

A lot of people get married
where gambling is legal.

Well, one kinda does go
with the other, don't it?

Yes, baby. And you know what?

It'd be so great

'cause it would be like
a brand-new start for us.

Like... like if either one of us
ever did anything in the past

that... that we'd like
to change,

it would just be erased.

Like, it won't count no more, okay?

Well... have... have...

Have I done somethin' wrong
I don't know about?

I mean, if I d...
I-If I did, I'm sorry.

Honey, no. No.

Well... well, what?

No, honey.

It's just something that I
really, really want to do.

Picture it...

Reno...
With all them bright lights...

And all the action.

Baby, it would be so perfect.

Please. Please, please,
please, please, please.

Well, hell, you know,

if it means that much to you, I'm game.

Let's do it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Tell me. I hate surprises.

Well, just...
Just see for yourself.

No. You didn't.

You sure did.

You did. You horn dog, you.

See there? Ain't she a beaut?

Dealer exclusive.
Anniversary special.

Boy, this son of a bitch
has got everything on it

except electric dick massage.

I can't believe you, Lonnie.

We really gonna take this son
of a bitch across country?

Well, hell, yeah, we're gonna
take it across the country.

It's got to cost a fortune!

Well, nothing's too good for my friends.

We're gonna be ridin'
and stylin' and profilin'.

It smells loud.

That's probably that corinthian
leather, is what that is.

I would imagine.

That's real leather?

Well, hell, yeah, it's real leather.

Dang me.

You know what besides that?

I had Jerome unhook the odometer.

Sell the son of a bitch like
brand-new when we get back.

See what I'm sayin'?

You're my hero.

Hey, what do you think, Ronnie?

These wheels are sweet.

Yeah, they are, ain't they?

W-w-

you crazy?

Hey, you guys!

Hey, Lonnie Earl,
where the hell have you been?

I haven't seen you in days.

Yeah, well, you know,
they keep me hoppin'. Yeah.

Lonnie Earl, I got to stop
by work on the way out of town.

What are you talkin' about?

Roy got in a little bit of trouble

with daddy again.

He just wants to see him.

It ain't got nothin' to do
with your daddy, baby.

Yeah, well...

Hey... you serious?

It ain't gonna take but a minute, man.

You see this?

It's a triptik.
It's called a triptik.

Now, I took the trouble to call AAA

and have them figure out
everything for us...

The whole schedule... so we're
gonna stick to it, okay?

Everybody needs to read that
loud and clear, you understand?

Honey, don't get so uptight.

I'm not uptight!

Mr. Kirkendall?

Mr. Bush is as mad
as a riled-up bull

about that beefy nibby thing.

I didn't mean to put on the wrong labels.

And I just feel plumb awful about it, sir.

I need this job.

What if he fires me,
Mr. Kirkendall? June...

June, you listen to me.
You ain't gonna get fired.

I promise you, okay?

Everybody makes mistakes.
I mean, hell, look at me.

Just ask my mama, okay?

Good to see ya, sweetie pie!

Lonnie Earl, that car's
runnin' great. Thanks.

Good deal, Fred.

Darlene...

You're lookin' beautiful, as always.

Thank you, Fred.

Roy...

You bumble-dick gourd head.

Well, how about you, Fred?
Nice morning, ain't it?

Damn it, boy, don't take that tone with me.

I will slap the taste out of your mouth.

Do you even have any
inkling why you're here?

Well...

No.

I have got 200 cases of ocean delight

that are labeled
"beef and cheese nibbies."

Now, you tell me how the hell
somethin' like that happens.

No.

I am sorry. I...

It is my fault.

I-I got the cans mixed up,
and then candy paged me,

and I had to...

Well...

I... I forgot.

Yeah, but then why did you
go ahead and ship 'em?

I mean, we're talkin' about
cat lovers here, boy.

When the cat lover opens
the beef and cheese nibbies,

he expects to find
the beef and cheese nibbies,

not a fuckin' ocean delight!

Understood?

Yes, sir.

And just where in the hell
were you yesterday afternoon

when all this was happenin'?

He was at the house.

I needed him for something.

Well, okay.

Why? What...

Wasn't nothin' wrong, was there?

No. You see...

No, sir.

See, she's just checkin'
for when she's ovulatin'

because we know how much you
want that grandbaby,

so, when she pages, I come.

I mean... I go.

Well, you know what I mean.

I don't even want to think
about that. Just...

Just get the hell out of here.

Well, I'm glad we're finally on the road.

Here's to a big ol' time.

Look out, Reno.

We're gonna put some hair on the wall.

Well, shit on a stick.

Good.
It's just Russell and Boyd.

We're gonna be out of here in a heartbeat.

All right, sir...

Well, hey, Lonnie Earl!
I didn't know that was you.

How is everybody?

How about you, Russell... Boyd?

Hi, candy.

Ee, man.

This is one fine vehicle you got here.

Has that got that dick massage on it, too?

No. Don't you start with me.

Listen, we're in kind of a hurry.

We're goin' out of town on vacation.

No kidding?
Whereabouts you goin'?

Reno, Nevada...

No shit? Y'all goin' to that
monster truck jam out there?

You got it, hoss.
Check this son of a bitch out.

Lucky sons of bitches...

Goin' to the biggest
little city in the world.

Yeah. Well, see there?

Of course, that is if we get there in time.

I'd love to sit here
and talk to you all day long.

You know that.

You know that, don't you, Boyd?

But, see, we got to get on the road,

so why don't you just let us go?

Now, Lonnie Earl, you know you
ran that stop sign back there.

Well, hell, I've been runnin'
that son of a bitch

since I been drivin', Russell.

You know that.
Everybody runs that damn sign.

I know I do.

See? Damn it, Boyd.

Look, Lonnie Earl,
I understand that and all,

but... you just shouldn't do it
right in front of us.

Just look at you... you're sittin'
there, you're drinkin' that beer

like we was
at the drive-in movies

and I wasn't wearin' this here badge.

Russell, this is my first beer of the day.
I swear to god.

I'll vouch for him. See?

Me too, Boyd. Me three.

Come on, Russell.
Everybody makes mistakes.

Come on, Russell. Shit.

Hey, you know how fond
of beer you are, don't you?

Hey, now.

Right? Isn't he, Boyd?

He hates it. Swear to god.

What are you laughin' at?

I'll tell you what.

Why don't I just hop up on top of
this truck and unstrap a couple cases

and give it to y'all,
and let's call it even?

I mean, you know, as friends.

I wouldn't call that even.
I'd call that a bribe.

Buckle up!

Now, if anybody's got to piss,
let's do it now,

'cause we don't stop again for a while.

Hey, you want me to get
these bottles and toss 'em?

Well, hell, no. We can get deposit
on them later on. Just pump the gas.

Yes, sir.

Lonnie Earl, can I get some wine coolers?

Well, why can't you drink beer
like everybody else?

I told you...
It's full up in there.

We ain't got room
for a bunch of wine coolers.

Well, I wouldn't mind havin'
one of them wine coolers.

Buy some damn wine coolers, then.

Coolers!

I don't know why you like to
drink them things. Sissy shit.

Hell, yeah, girls. There you go.

You too, Roy.
Just pile it the hell on there.

I got plenty of money.
I'm Mr. Deep pockets.

Does anybody else here want me to buy 'em
anything while we're here at the counter?

Look!

Bob barker is datin' another
one of them barker beauties.

That old man can't keep it in his pants.

He ought to take his own advice
and get it neutered.

I say more power to him.

You would.

Well, at least he's gettin' him some.

Darlene! Hey, hey, hey, Darlene!

It's an Oklahoma shot glass.

They got one. You got one of these?
No, we don't.

You better get it, 'cause I doubt you're
gonna find one of these suckers anywhere else.

We don't need another damn shot glass.

All they do is collect dust anyhow.

Just put that son of a bitch
back and let's go.

We're gonna have to make up some
time before lunch, all right?

Hon, would you like me to
help you bag up some of this?

Since Lonnie Earl planned the trip,

he decided to stop in amarillo

so could eat
this 72-ounce steak.

Of course, his $50 bet with bill Moore.

Was the real reason we were stopping there.

I swear that husband of mine
would do anything

to save a buck.

Isn't that pretty?

No.

Wait, Lonnie Earl.
Let me get your picture.

My lord.

One more.

Okay. You ready?
Get closer to the meat.

That is... that...

I'm sorry. That is
the ass end of a rhino.

This is no bigger than
a papa burger at a&w.

Easily handleable.

That hunk of meat's bigger than our cat.

You're gonna be sick
is what's gonna happen.

No. I got a plan.
See, you just take your time.

Breeze through it. Eat all
this other shit afterward.

You know, push it through.
See what I'm sayin'?

Go with the flow.
That kind of deal.

You're gonna be sick.
Shut up, Darlene.

Look at all this meat I get,
and I get paid to eat it.

You kiddin' me?

You're gonna be ridin' that porcelain pony.
Yeah, we'll see.

Are you gonna go?

First bite. I'm ready. There you go.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, could I
have your attention, please?

This is Mr. Lonnie Earl dodd
from millsberg,

and he's gonna try to eat
this 72-ounce steak dinner.

Go, Lonnie Earl.

He has one hour to eat 72 ounces of meat,

salad, shrimp cocktail,
baked potato, and bread.

If you'd like to look at this steak,

come over and take a look,

but don't ask too many questions.

He only has an hour to do this in.

Let's give Lonnie Earl a little
round of encouragement.

Okay... he's got 45 seconds.

Everybody give him a hand.
He's gonna make it.

Lonnie Earl dodd!

"Big texan steak ranch 72-ounce
steak club achievement award."

To Lonnie Earl dodd.

I saw.

That's free and you get 50 bucks?

So good.
Can I take a bite of yours?

If I can have your cherry.

Sure you can, honey.
There you go.

I can't eat this whole dang thing.

Of course you can, Roy.

Well, I'll help you.

I knew you would, baby.

It's not like Lonnie Earl will help you.

Lonnie Earl...

Lonnie Earl... look at this.

I would like to present you with a gift.

Come on! Come on, Lonnie Earl!

I just want to see you puke.

He's fakin'!

It's not funny, Lonnie Earl.

What is it, honey?

You want another one?

My god.
I think he's gonna be sick.

Get that bucket. What's wrong?

Honey...

Hold on!

Lonnie Earl, put your arms up!
Put your arms up!

Get your hands off of him, homo!

Don't fuss, candy.
He's gonna be fine.

You want to throw up, Lonnie Earl?

Lonnie Earl, can you breathe?

My god. I think he's dyin'!

Lonnie Earl, don't die!

He just needs another beer.

Hey, Julio. What's up?

Well, I brought something
over for you and your father.

You know, I really want us to be
good friends and good neighbors.

Hey, man, what is it?
Let me take a look.

Well, that's some good food, man.

Well, I fix it myself, you know.

Well, I ain't eatin' none of that mafungus.

Mr. Dodd, but you've
got to take it easy.

And y'all make sure that he
drinks plenty of fluids.

Spare ribs and mustard Greens.

So, have a great rest of your trip,

and take good care of yourself.

And don't forget this.

No, that's... hey, thanks.

Yeah. Take care of yourself.

I will.

Hi, hon. You all better?

Well, like y'all would give a shit.

Okay. Well, he just wanted
me to check in with you,

'cause, you know, doc,
he don't trust nobody else,

especially some snot-nosed
little Texas doctor

who ain't too long off the tit.

But, listen, while I got you...

I... what about
them tests I had done?

Okay.

Okay, I will bet one for you.

The doc says that,

that, if you're still
feelin' puny tomorrow,

you're supposed to mix
a bunch of meat tenderizer

in some water and drink it,
and you'll be fine.

Yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine.

Plus I'm $50 richer, right?

And a hospital bill later.

Listen. If... if, bill Moore
gives me shit about this bet,

you're my witness, right?

Damn straight.

Okay.

I know the boy.

What was that you were talkin'
to doc tuley about...

About some tests or somethin'?

Nothin'.

Just, you know, insurance crap

where they make you pee
in a bottle all the time,

you know, every time you turn around.

But are you goin' swimmin' or not?

I don't think so.

I'll just sink like a cat in a bag.

You know what I think I'm gonna do?

Go over the souvenir shop
and tease that rattlesnake.

That's a good idea.

Besides that, you know, Darlene's
gonna be back in a little bit.

She's gonna chicken out. She won't
ever sneak in no hotel pool.

Well, sometimes when people
are away from home,

they do things they might not normally do.

Yeah, I wish.

All clear.

I can't believe I'm doin' this.

This is classy!

Somethin' we're not used to.

God help us.

It's cold.

Get in, dar.

Get away from me!

What do you weigh, about 98 pounds wet?

Shut up, dar.
You got a great body.

You just cover it up all the time.

Whatever.

Are you happy, dar?

I guess. Why wouldn't I be?

I don't know. I mean...

Things just don't seem right
between you two lately.

I mean, I always believed

you two were meant
for each other, you know?

Like... like Burt and loni.

Well, not like them, because
they ain't married no more.

But... but like...
Like Elvis and Priscilla.

Well, you know what I mean.

Is there something you know that I don't?

No! No, no, no.

No, dar. No.
I don't know anything.

I just care about you guys
so much, you know?

And especially you, dar,
because you're my best friend.

Honey...

And can't a friend try to help a friend?

Yeah, but, honey, don't cry.

Yeah, silly.

Damn wine coolers got me all emotional.

Dang. That hurt like hell.

Candy?

Do you love Roy?

Well...

I... I don't think
I ever got the chance

to fall in love with Roy.

I guess it was more like
nature took its own course.

Next thing I knew...

Roy was workin' for daddy
and we was married.

Like there wasn't any middle...
Just then and now.

Shit.

What's wrong, Mark spitz?

You seem a little out of shape.

Them 12-ounce curls are...
Kinda takin' their toll.

I gotta go pee.
I'm gonna go back to the hotel.

I gotta go pee. Darlin'...

Darlin'... I'm goin' back to the hotel.

Darlin', just pee in the pool.
I do it all the time.

Gross, Roy. You coming, dar?

I think I'll swim a little.

This was a pretty good idea after all.

See you guys up there.

See ya.

Feels good.

What you doin', Roy?

I've got you a little somethin'.

Roy, you didn't have to.

I know, but a lady like you
should have anything she wants.

Gettin' to new Mexico, I was so excited.

The Grand Canyon was just a day away.

Hey, you know, what I'm lookin' forward to

is that robosaurus smashin' them cars.

That is gonna be somethin'.

Robo what?
What on earth is that?

That's a 10-story machine
that squashes things...

Basically a car dealer's nightmare.

What a thrill.

Armadillo.

You'd think them son of bitches would learn
to stay out of the road, wouldn't you?

Don't you know it.

You ever see one alive?

Well, I'll be damned.
97.1 degrees.

I think I'm ovulatin'.

97.1 is what that library book
said to look for.

Well, maybe it's just the heat.

97.1, Lonnie Earl.

That's below normal temperature.

Well, she's probably sittin'
too close to the window.

My window's up,

and according to this thermometer,

farmer Roy needs to plant
his seed right now.

Come on, baby. Pull over.

Candy, I... no, we ain't
stoppin' at no motel.

Not right now. We just got back on
schedule, and I ain't gettin' off.

Hey, who said anything about a motel?

Course, you do realize that
my schedule's gone to hell.

Freezin'-ass cold out here, and... and
we're waitin' on the damn carnival...

Well, honey, you're the one wanted
to go on vacation in January.

You know what I told you about July prices.

I can't pay that kind of money.

Baby!

It's like we're travelin'

with a damn high-school biology
experiment or somethin'.

What the hell is he doin' to her?

Something pretty good, I'd say.

Well, it's pissin' me off.

Okay, that's it. I'm... i'm
gonna put a stop to this shit.

I don't care. Good lord. You're
makin' a bigger scene than they are.

All right.

That'll be plenty. W-What?

Come on. We're leavin'.

Mission accomplished, sir.

There goes the new-car smell.

You look kinda uptight, Lonnie Earl.

You want me to drive?

Hell, no, I don't want you to drive.

I'm the driver.

Just get us a couple
of beers. I'll be fine.

Hey, hon?

Can you grab us a couple beers without
spillin' any of them tadpoles?

I sure can, sugar kitten.

Thank you.

I'm glad we stopped here.

You know what?

They got a sign over that toilet

says they got the cleanest
bathrooms along all of i-40.

If we stay in Kingman tonight,
we'll be back on my schedule.

But we were gonna stop at
the Grand Canyon tonight

and get up and look at it tomorrow.

But we can't do that now because,
see, our travelin' sex show here

has put us behind schedule.

Then why did we stop here?

Because we had to eat, honey,

and this fits in, okay?

Besides that, the Grand Canyon's
just a big ol' hole in the ground.

You can look out the window and
see a big hole in the ground.

That ain't the same.

I think it'd be nice to see it.

You know, I wouldn't mind ridin' one
of them jackasses down in that sucker.

That'd... be...

Damn it, that's the one thing

I wanted to do on this trip.

I told you I wanted to see it
since second grade

when Mrs. Beechner told us
about it.

She said everyone thought
god rested on the seventh day,

but really he was workin' on his hobby,

carvin' the Grand Canyon.

Well, that's sweet,

but, if you remember,

Mrs. Beechner also kept
her shit in a shoebox.

Remember that?

So I don't know if that's the greatest
authority in the world, you know?

Let's go.

Good god. That girl's gonna
wake the dead in there.

If this shit's gonna happen every time
she reaches a certain temperature,

I'm gonna get madder than a wet hen.

Why does it bother you so much?
It's for a good cause.

It's just that they take so damn long.

And they don't even think about us.

The least he could do is
tiger-fuck her.

You know I don't like that talk.

Just get up behind her and bite her on
the neck, in and out, and it's done.

Shit. How romantic.

What would you know about romance?

I'm sorry, honey. I-I'm just...

Well, look, face it...
When's the last time we did it?

That's not romance.

If that's all you care about,

then just go ahead and
do it with someone else.

Is this about the Grand Canyon?

No, it's not. Good grief.

Well, then what's it about?

Why don't you talk to me?

I'm your husband.
You can talk to me.

Honey, listen, this is hard on me, too.

Honey, for the last couple of years,

every time I try something with you,

you got some damn excuse.

You don't know how it feels.

And besides that, I'm about to explode.

I am.

Tell the truth... is it me?

No. It's me.

Well, what are we gonna do about that?

Well, I said...

Maybe we could see that woman
in little rock.

I ain't goin' to no
shrink-bitch Dr. Ruth woman

that's gonna make us sit there

and charge me an arm and a leg
and a nut to say the shit

that we can say to each other
right here and now.

But she might not let you say
somethin' like you just said.

What did I say?

Well, if you can't hear yourself,

then how are you gonna hear me?

This dang bed sags in the middle.

We're all gonna be windin'
up layin' in a puddle.

It sure as hell ain't no
serta perfect sleeper.

Would y'all quit bitchin'?
The bed's fine.

Good night, John boy.

Kiss my ass.

My god.

That's awful!

Roy! That's disgusting!

Smell it and weep!

"Turnin'"? Or is it "yearnin'"?

Teachers.

Yeah!

Keep on lovin'!

Yeah. All right.

Now, that's songwriting.

Keep on believin'.

Keep on sleepin'.

It won't be?
It won't be too long.

My god.

Tony Orlando's here!

Tony Orlando's here!
We gotta go to see him!

Do you reckon he split up with dawn?

Well, hon, we'll have
to see if we got time.

I mean, you know...

We gotta make time.

I said we'd see.

I never stayed overnight
in a city this big before.

I'd sure hate to get lost here.

Now, don't get all nerved up, honey.

We're gonna have a good time.

It's just like back home.
There's just a lot more of it.

I'll be dogged.

This is the shamrock suite.

See that?

Honey!

I knew this would be the perfect
place to get remarried!

Roy, I knew it, baby!

I'll carry you over the threshold, baby.

Both bedrooms have
their own private entrance.

Look at that tub!
That's like a swimmin' pool!

My god!

Roy, it's like we're here, baby!

We're actually here!

This is romantic. Look at that.

This door leads to the adjoining bedroom.

My god! We're neighbors!

Candy, you gotta see this view.

Wow!

We have the same over there!

Okay!

Take a picture of me.

Lay like a supermodel, okay?

I don't look like Cindy Crawford.

I could take some pictures.

That's okay.

Give me some pouty lips.
Hey, y'all.

Y'all, check it out.
Check it out.

Hugh Hefner, international playboy.

Show me your ta-tas
in cloth of Terry.

Hey, do we get to keep these things?

I've been known to look the other way.

All right!

Lonnie Earl... thank you, man.

My god! It's Shania twain!

How cool is that?

She's so goddamn hot!

Goddamn champagne.

Hey, y'all. They got
24-hour room service.

You mean you can get anything
you want anytime you want?

Yes, sir.
Anytime you want. Just dial 49.

Darlene, who am I?

I guess you, won't need any pabst.

No. That'll last me
about an hour and a half.

Here's your curtain remote and your key.

All righty. Thank you.

All right.

If there's nothing else, I'll be going.

Of course, the, chocolates are free.

Ching, ching.

I'm gonna go, then. Okay.

Listen, while I got you here, I
just want to ask you one question.

I understand that the hookers in
Nevada are free. Is that right?

Legal.

Not free? No.

Okay. All right.

Like I said, I'm on my way out.

Got the luggage, right?
Unpacked it.

Got the explanation of the menu.

That's it. Okay. I'm gonna go.

I'll be at the bell captain's station

if you need anything else.

Okay. I get ya.
You want your dollar.

Here.

Here you go.

Wow. Okay.

Straight to the casino.

Shake it, Darlene!
Unless you wanted change.

If I get to go to Tony Orlando,

should I wear my hair up or down?

Let me see.

You know what? What?

You know, what I think would be great

is if you put it
like this. Yeah.

Get over here, you son of a bitch.

Jesus h. Christ.

What is it with you
and Tony Orlando, anyway?

He's always been like my guardian angel.

You see, when I was in fifth grade,

I caught Jeff Martin cheatin' on me,

and my mama knew I was depressed,

so she let me spend the night
at Deanna Stewart's house

to watch the Jerry Lewis telethon.

Anyway, they were up to
about $8 million in donations

when out walked this dark,
handsome man with a mustache

and a smile that could
light up all of Branson.

And I... I just knew
he was somethin' special.

Shit!

I had something like that
for Chuck woolery one time.

Anyway, when he sang...

It was like he was singin' it right to me,

like he knew... I needed
to hear it right then.

And he's had a special place
in my heart ever since.

That's so sweet.

Okay, I've had enough.

You know what I think we need?

What? Some serious pink lips.

I'm gonna go and get
my pink lipstick, okay?

You okay?

Y-Yeah, I think I'm fine.

I-I just... I got up
too quick, maybe.

Well, I'll get it.

You sure you're feelin' okay, hon?

'Cause you are lookin' a little peakin'.

I'm gonna be fine.

I'm just gonna sit
in here for a little bit.

Can I do somethin'?

No. I probably just drank
too much.

You go on down.
I'll meet up with you later.

Well...

Hey, let's shit or get off the pot, guys.

I thought we was goin' downstairs.

What's the deal here?

Y'all go on.
We'll catch up with you later.

You know what we ought to do, baby?

After while, you and me take one of
them bubble baths. What do you say?

Well, you know better than that.

I don't take bubble baths.

Of course you don't. I forgot.

Well, you know, that tub is
big enough for all of us.

Great, Roy.

Just jump on the bandwagon,
you dumb-ass.

Yeah, I am dumb.

You guys definitely make me
clear of that on a daily basis.

Dumb, dumb-ass, dumb shit,

dipshit, shithead, shit hole,
shit-for-brains...

Dildo. Dildo.

You know, would it be possible to have a...

A "let's not pick on Roy" day?

Let's go downstairs.

Okay. I'm... I'm sorry.

Darlene?

What do you mean,
you don't take bubble baths?

Gives my pooter an infection

that stings worse than a swarm of bees.

Honey, I wasn't born yesterday.
I know something's wrong.

And you can talk to me.
You know that.

Now, don't start that again.

Darlene, I'm your best friend.
I know.

Just drop it.

I know you mean well, hon,
but just... stop.

Okay.

I don't know about this.

These things look a little bit
too much like a sinus infection.

I... I tell you what.

They say they are
one hell of an aphrodiliac.

Aphrodisiac.

Y... dear.

Thank you, ma'am.

Actually, they're, mother nature's Viagra.

Roy, don't be such a damn idgit, okay?

You made us look stupid.

Everybody knows what that word is.

Ain't bad.

Hey, bud, can we get a couple of pabsts?

Slippery.

And bring him a shot, too, would you?

Some kind of whiskey.

Well, you need you a shot.

I had 140 beers.

But... I do have too much
blood in my alcohol content.

See there?

Just tryin' to help you cut the...

Whatever those things are.

God knows I don't need any of 'em.

You mean you and dar?

I think it's just a phase
you guys are going through.

It's more than a phase.
It's way past a phase.

It's a lot more serious
than you might think.

You know, you're always gonna be together.

Y-You've always worked it out.

You will now.

Well, I've given that a lot of thought
lately, to tell you the truth.

I mean, not that that's
what I want, you know?

But she just don't get it.
I don't know.

A man's got needs, you know?

Well, everybody's got needs.

Well, you know, don't be goin' out

thinkin' about gettin'
no nooky on the side.

Well, who said I was thinkin' about that?

Darlene's a great lady, you know?

You don't need to be doin' that.

I wouldn't ever do that.

I just got a tingle.

I'm gonna go get me
some more of these suckers.

I'm havin' a hard time keepin' up
with candy, you know what I'm sayin'?

I'll be back.

Look! It's one
of them theme weddings!

Ain't that sweet, Darlene?

That's it!

That's what Roy and I need.

What?

A theme wedding.

I'd be Dorothy.

And... and... and...
And he could be that tin guy.

And... and...

And we could have...
Midgets for bridesmaids.

Well, why would you dress up
like that for a wedding?

'Cause it's romantic.

Well, let's see.

Come down here, didn't I?

I said I come down here, didn't I?

Yes, you did. Yeah.

Now... you might have to
twist my arm,

but... I'll go up
to your room with you.

I don't think you could handle me.

Honey, I could handle it.

There's no doubt about it.

Well...

I don't think you could afford it.

What the hell does that mean?

It means I see your type come
through here all the time...

All blow and no dough.

Is that a fact?

Let me show you somethin', honey.

See that?

You know what that is, baby?

A shoe.

Well, hell yeah, it is.

It's also two months' rent.

Well...

You see there?

Rent must be very cheap.

Now, that was a really shitty
thing to say to somebody.

Okay, everybody, we're back.

She can kiss my ass.

Come over here and just
take over the damn country.

Why not?

Well, fuck her.

She was a lesbian anyway.
I could tell.

She ain't no lesbian.
She's too pretty.

Son, there's all kinds of lesbians...

Pretty ones and ugly ones...
There's all kinds, you know?

She had lesbian energy.
That's all I know.

Well, I'm a lesbian in a man's body.

I'll tell you what got it all started was
that damn Gloria steinem, you know it?

When she started
that women's-lib crap?

It was her and Helen reddy and that tennis
player that beat Bobby riggs that time.

Let's don't forget Helen gurley brown.

You know what they do, don't you?

They sit around the house all day
readin' them girlie magazines

like "woman's day" and
"redbook" and all that mess.

And TV. Hell, yeah.

Start cryin' with Oprah all damn afternoon.

Then by the time you get home from work,
shit, they'd rather fight than fuck.

Well, I guess, you know,
I'm a pretty lucky man,

because candy has always had
a very healthy appetite

for old Gunther here.

You know, I kinda...

I wonder sometimes
she ain't borderline nympho.

But she ain't always

as... wild and stuff
as she's been lately.

I mean, she don't always scream
and holler like that, does she?

She sure does.

No, she don't. Yes, she does.

No, she don't.
I mean... you're kiddin' me.

No, she don't, does she?

You know, sometimes it can be
downright embarrassin'.

And other times it can make you feel
like you're studly do-right, you know?

You're the man.
Know what I'm sayin'?

I got to pee. I'll be back.

Shit.

"Psychic card reading...

Madam zora."

Come on. Let's go see
what the future says!

No! Come on!

It's kind of scary.
I don't like it.

Come on!

This is very telling.

See, the queen depicts a strong
slant to your feminine side.

Feminine side.

Could you be expecting?

I-I'm gonna take all of these.

I'm not takin' any chances tonight.

Hell, you know what? Give me
three of them butterfingers.

So, are you excited?

About what?

The pregnancy test.

I don't know.

I... I just don't understand
why she thinks she is now.

She ain't even missed her...
Thing or nothin'.

Well, I'm gonna let you in
on a little female secret.

Sometimes you just know, even
before you miss your thing.

You know, I'm not buyin' all
that, screamin' and moanin'

and shit you've been doin',
just so you know.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

Don't bullshit me, candy. You
know what I'm talkin' about.

You're still mad about our little fling.

You're doin' all that shit
for my benefit. I get it.

Doin' what?

Screamin' like a stuck hog with
your husband when y'all do it.

But it ain't workin'.
It's a bad acting job.

Who's actin'?

Well... all I know is

that you don't make all that
racket when you and me do it.

Well, you figure that out, Sherlock.

So?

Well, I peed in a cup,
on a stick, on my hand.

I got lines and crosses and...

They all say the same thing.

Yes.

Yeah?

Candy.

No. Baby...

D-Did you hear? We... yeah?

Can you hold that?

You mean we're gonna have a baby?!

Baby doll!

I love you!

You happy?

Yeah. You?

You sure?

I love you.

I love you, baby. I love you.

I love you so much.

Beer.

Beer.

Beer. Light beer.

My god! I won!

Again! I got 21!

My god! It's alive!

Where'd it go? It's gone.

Where'd it go? Why is it flat?

You think I can hear him?

I think maybe you could.

Little sucker kicks like a mule.

Hey, honey?

Could you come sit by me for a minute?

Sure.

All right. Here's the deal.

I... I did pretty good tonight.

You know, gamblin'?

Won a little extra money,
that kind of thing.

That's nice?

And, well, I'd...

I-I got this deal that,
maybe it's not...

I don't know if it's
down your alley or not.

It's just, a little somethin' I got and...

Anyhow, well, there.

That's for you and everything.

I hope you like it.
I don't know.

I'm not real good at pickin' shit out.
You know that.

Just, you know, girl kind of thing.

You like it?

Lonnie Earl...

A bracelet.

It's beautiful.

It's not as beautiful as you are.

Close the door.

Yeah.

I'll be right back. Don't move.

Well, look at you two lovebirds.

Did y'all hear that earthquake last night?

Stop.

You want some coffee, hon?

You sure there's no
way they could be wrong?

Hey, son, you better get in here.
Your eggs are gonna get crusty.

How's it... how's it possible?

I can't find any midgets.

Well, you might try under
"I" for "little people."

Yeah, okay.

Honey, hurry up.

I gotta see if we can book that chapel.

Okay. Bye.

I swear to god,

if I don't get any midgets,
I'm gonna be so upset.

I can't have this wedding without midgets.

You'll have a beautiful
weddin' no matter what.

What's wrong, honey?

Well, that was... I was just
talkin' to doc tuley,

and, he just told me that...

He said I can't have babies.

That's funny. That's cute, baby.

What do you mean, we can't have babies?

No, not "we." Me.

See, I-I didn't tell you 'cause
I-I didn't want you worryin',

but I had some fertility tests done

'cause, you know, we been tryin'

and, you know, weren't
gettin' nowhere and...

Well, anyway, the tests
came back from little rock,

and my tadpoles ain't swimmin'.

Roy, it's just a mistake.

They made a mistake because,
in case you forgot,

I'm definitely pollinated.

No, they said
it's a for-sure thing.

Honey, it can't be a for-sure thing.
Damn it.

They... they sent the samples
off to a dang laboratory.

They ain't gonna be wrong in a laboratory.

Well, they gotta be wrong
because I can't be pregnant

unless...

What was that?

What was what?

That look. What look?

The look you two just gave each other.

That... that was... that was no look.

W...

Darlene, i-I'm so sorry.

What do you mean, you're sorry?

I'm so sorry, Darlene.

What are you sorry about?

You ain't got nothin' to be sorry about.

I mean, for god's sake,

you looked at me, and I looked at you.

Shit. People can look at one
another, can't they?

Not that like, they can't.

God. Please...
Please forgive me.

Forgive you for what?

What do you mean, forgive you?

This is ridiculous.

Will y'all hold on? I... b...

Am I missin' somethin' here?

For cryin' out loud, Roy, don't you see?

This isn't Reno.
This is "Melrose place."

My husband has been doin' your wife.

No.

Yes.

Ain't that the shits?

I think y'all are jumpin' the gun.

Shut up!

Just shut up, Lonnie Earl!
God damn it!

Quit acting like such an ass!

You blew it!

Well, hell, you're the one
that got pregnant.

She's the one
got pregnant. Shit.

You insensitive son of a bitch!

Darlene, I know. I'm so sorry.

He's an asshole!

He's an asshole?!

Hey, Roy, listen, I'm sorry, man.

You're my best friend.

Listen, w...
You gotta believe me.

This didn't have a fuckin'
thing to do with you.

She's my wife!

Tramp!

Bastard!

Darlene, please wait.

Darlene... Darlene, please wait.

Shut up.

Come on.
We have to talk about this.

You're my best friend.

Best friends?

Best friends don't do that to best friends.

Enjoying your stay, sir?

Shut up.

Okay, then.

I've known you since the third grade.

Just how long have you two
been visitin' sin city?

Twice. Just two times.

I swear to god,
that's it. That's...

What are you doin'?
Why are you...

We need... we need to talk.

Not now, Roy!

Can't you see I'm tryin'
to console Darlene?!

I don't want your consolin'!

That's your husband!

He's the one who needs your consolin'!

I'm fine.

Th-that's okay.
You can go first.

Damn it, Roy!

Show some backbone, will ya?!

Wh... why are you mad at me?!

Why are you yellin' at him?

He's just tryin' to be nice.

Shut up, whore!

All right, Roy.

Darlene.

Come on, hit me.

What? Hit me.

I got it comin' to me. No.

It'll make you feel better.
It'll make me feel better.

I know you're gonna hit me back.
I promise I won't hit you back.

Okay, come on!

My god! Lonnie Earl!

Get off!

Get off me!

Get off him, you bastard!

You hit him!

You hit me and then sleep with my wife!

And you hit me!

It was just a reflex action.
That's all it was.

Folks, you really gotta keep it down in...

Get the fuck out!!

Hold on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen.

I got a great idea, okay?

I know how to fix everything.

Darlene and Roy gotta sleep together.

It'll make it even.
It's like a dealer trade-in.

You are such a sick fuck! What?

Have you finally lost your mind?!

If I wanted a make-up fuck,
it would be with Tony Orlando!

Jesus, help me.

I feel so raw, like I haven't got any skin!

This is wrong. It's just wrong.

I know. It's wrong.

And if I could just wiggle my nose

like Samantha on "bewitched"

and make this all go
away, Darlene, I would.

I swear to god.

You'd probably call up aunt Clara,

and Lonnie Earl would fuck her, too.

Hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, honey, listen.

Listen. C-Calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down!
Calm... calm down!

Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

Let... let me go with you,
and we'll... we'll talk.

I don't wanna be around you.

I don't wanna be around any of you.

No, Darlene.

You're gonna need your eyedrops.

My eyes are just fine.

They're just fine.
I don't need 'em.

Everything's crystal clear.

Please don't go.
Darlene, wait a minute.

Hello.

This is definitely the shits.

I'm sorry, Roy.

You know what?

Sorry just ain't cuttin' it
right now, Lonnie Earl.

Sugar kitten?

I'm in hell.
I hope everybody's happy.

Friends?

Shit! Fuck!

Car number 5394, please.

Yes. You have a good day, too.

Darlene, wait!

You don't wanna leave like this.

Don't tell me what I want.

I'm sick and tired of people
tellin' me what I want to do!

God, I fucked up.

I'm so sorry, hon.

We have to talk about this.

We're too close to throw away what we got.

What we got?!

We got a fuckin' mess is what we got!

And I had nothin' to do with it!

Yes, you did.

Excuse me?

You did have somethin'
to do with it, Darlene.

Hell, Lonnie Earl was
cryin' for your attention,

and you refused to see it.

So he came to me to talk about it,

and I was just tryin' to be
your friend, so I listened.

And before you knew it,

he was spinnin' you like a helicopter.

You bitch.

And you call yourself my friend.

You're damn right I do.

In case you forgot,

I tried to talk to you about it, too,

and you kept tryin' to
convince me and yourself

that everything was great,

that life was just one
big bowl of cherries!

Go away!

You know what?
You're a fuckin' mole.

And I'm not talkin' about that
thing on Cindy Crawford's lips.

I'm talkin' about them rodents that
Bury themselves in the ground.

They got eyes, but since they
don't use 'em, they can't see.

Come on, elevator.

Just go ahead.

Just run away, Darlene, like you always do.

Just so you don't have to face anything.

Shut up.

You've got the world by its balls,

and you don't even know it!

And you know why?

Because you're always throwing
some goddamn Darlene pity party.

Mopin' around in those stupid overalls,

feelin' sorry for yourself,
hidin' behind your kids!

God, you've got this prison
built into your head,

and you just love living there!

Stop now!

No!

Wake... up, Darlene.

You've got a nice house,
your bills are paid,

you've got healthy kids,

you've got friends who care
about you if you only let them.

And, damn it, you've got a husband

who thinks you're worth fightin' for!

He so desperately wants to find

the woman he fell in love with.

God damn it, you could really enjoy life.

If you open your eyes,
you'd see that I'm right.

All I'd see are your legs up
over my husband's shoulders.

Don't go there.

Ladies...

The only thing I'm still wonderin'

is how a spoiled brat like you

fucked Lonnie Earl without
your daddy's permission.

Ooohhhhhh!

Bitch!

Roy, let's talk.

Shut up.

They're gonna kill each other.

Hey, just... just... just a sec.

Stairs.
I just need to tell you...

H-How sorry I am
about all of this.

Later. Roy...

Let go of me!

Darlene!

Let me go!

Get off of me, you bitch!

Why won't you just let me...

I hope that hurts you like you hurt me.

Arrrgghh! Darlene!

Y'all stop it.

No! No!

No! Let go of me!

Get off her!

Don't tell me I'm goin' home!

Lonnie Earl, let go of me!

What are you doin'?
Will you calm down?

Don't tell me to calm down!

Roy! Let go! Put me down!

I'm with child, you idiot!

Get... let go of that.
What are you...

Give me my wallet!

Give me my...

Is this what you want?!

No, no, honey, please.

This is what I want!

Please, please, please.
Give me that.

Bastard!

She's on her deal, you know?

Aren't you going to have the oysters?

They are afro-diliacs, you know?

So, can I buy you a real drink?

Yeah. Yeah. Why not?

Are you ready, boots?

Start walking.

All right, lay it on me...

Now you're talkin'.
Keep those hands together now.

Keep it comin', Reno.
Come on now.

Wait a second.

Don't tell me that beautiful
lady's sittin' alone.

Welcome.

All right.
I can't take it anymore.

I can't be alone.

I'm gonna throw myself out the damn window.

I gotta talk to somebody.
You don't understand, candy.

See, ever since I was a little
kid, I didn't like to be alone.

And I can't be alone right
now, and you gotta talk to me.

Let's... let me sit here
just for a minute.

Just talk to you or somethin'.

I promise, I swear to god,

I won't try to get that
monkey. I swear to god.

He's cheatin' on me.

Roy is cheatin' on me.

What are you talkin' about?

Can you believe it?

That asshole.

I saw him dancin' with some
puerto rican skank at the bar.

I know he is.

Did she have a hairy lower back?

Yeah.

Long, black hair?

A little piece of deerskin
coverin' her titties?

Yeah.

That ain't no big deal.

That's just this hooker that's
workin' the bar down there.

A hooker?

I guess I said the wrong thing, didn't I?

He doesn't love me anymore.

No, that's not true.

Honey, he loves you.

No, he doesn't.

My Roy is bangin' a puerto rican hooker.

I doubt it.

I think she's a lesbian anyway, hon.

She's not a lesbian.
I saw her with him.

Now...

You want to know why?

'Cause we're shitty people, Lonnie Earl.

Baby, we're not shitty people.

We're... we're not.

We are.

We're not either, baby.
We're not shitty people.

We're not. We're shitty people.

Hon, you know,

I was kind of here
to talk about my problems.

Jesus h.

We're shitty people.

Why the hell did I come back?

Why don't you two just get
a room of your own?

Or would you rather me just
hang out here in the hall

and wait till you're done?

Why don't you come in, Roy?

We was just talkin' about you.
Wasn't we, candy?

Yeah.

Well...

Did you do her?

Do what?

Did you and your hot tamale puerto
rican dancin' partner do it?

For your information,

she prefers to be called
a lady of the night.

I don't care what she prefers to be called!

God damn it! Queen of sheba!

I don't fuckin' care!
Did you do her?!

Now, you wait a minute.

How dare you get your panties in a wad

when it's the two of you

that started this mess in the first place!

I believe I'm just gonna go back
over here to the room for a while.

I thought you said you
couldn't stand bein' alone.

Well...

This ain't none of my
business, really, you know?

The hell it ain't.

It became your business
when she pissed on that stick

and turned the damn thing blue.

Okay. I'll stay.

I'll sit over here in the chair,

and y'all can just yell
at me any time you want to.

Abuse me.

Roy...

You have every reason to be mad at me.

But did you have to go and find

some puerto rican skank to get back at me?

Lord knows what kind of
diseases she might have,

and now I'm gonna have 'em!

Ho, sweetheart. Get back at you?

I wasn't tryin' to get back at you.

I wasn't even thinkin' of you.

And do you have any
idea how good that felt?

How much does a girl
like that run you, Roy?

God damn it, Lonnie Earl!
It's none of your business!

Well, I tried to leave.

I'll tell you...

She didn't cost me a damn dime.

And you know why?

'Cause she really liked me for me.

She... she thought I was
a real good guy, you know?

And that I did not deserve
a wife and a best friend

to do me the way you two did.

She thought that I deserved

a hell of a lot more respect,

and, by god, she was right.

'Cause I've had it up to here.

I'm sick and tired of bein' treated

like everybody's little punchin' bag.

I know you know what I'm talkin' about.

And I ain't gonna stand here
and take it no more.

As of right now,

Roy kirkendall is demandin'
your utmost respect,

and he's gonna get it

or there's gonna be hell
to pay, I promise you.

I'm gonna kick some ass
and take some names.

I respect you, Roy.

Darlene, I've been worried sick
about you, honey.

Holy...

Don't come near me.

God.

You'll spoil my aura. Your what?

Well, can't you see it?
It's all around me.

It's a big ol' cloud
of self-esteem.

And Tony Orlando gave it to me.

Darlene, you...

You look...

You look good enough to put
in a j.C. Penney window.

Well, thank you, bubba.

You met Tony Orlando?

No... but he sang right to me.

You really did look
pretty tonight, Darlene.

I actually felt pretty tonight, candy.

Rise and shine.

2:15. Breakfast time.

Up, up, up, gentlemen.

Rise and shine.
Feet on the floor.

Good morning, men.

Wakey, wakey, hand off snakey.

I'm here on orders from Darlene dodd.

Breakfast is being served.

Please join me, won't you?

Miss candy...

It's breakfast time.

Won't you join us, please?

Roy, you're gonna have the eggs Benedict.

And eggs florentine...

No coffee for the lady who is with child.

And this one is for... let's
see, how did she put it?

The whore dog who sells cars in millsberg.

Don't shoot the messenger. Okay.

The bill's been
taken care of by you, Mr. Dodd.

I hope you've had a pleasant stay with us,

and I wish that I could say
I hope you'll return soon,

but... I'd be lying.

Okay. Goodbye.

H-Hang on a minute.

No, no, please.

Don't give me your dollar.

I've been most pleasantly
taken care of by Darlene.

She's quite a woman.

All right.
Whore dog, all, good day.

I don't like that motherfucker.

I wasn't gonna tip
the son of a bitch anyway.

This says "meet me at
the monster truck jam."

The question I have to ask now...

Is anybody ready to see
some monster truck racing?

Okay! Let's do it!

Hey, baby.

Hey.

Just in time for the big event.

Wow.

Look at that.

Boy, we got exciting
monster truck action tonight!

Honey, I know I've been an asshole.

I swear to god, I'm gonna do better.

It'd just tear me to pieces
if somethin' happened to us.

I'd rather get run over by one of them
damn trucks out there than lose you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to Reno,

a truck-chomping,
Godzilla-of-a-beast machine...

Give it up, Reno, for robosaurus!

So, what do you think, people?

We sacrificed a new car!

Yeah!

No.

Go, baby!

Lonnie Earl, so much for that
corinthian leather?

Go!

Whoooo!

He's gonna eat it.

No.

Lonnie Earl, how are we gonna get home?

Now, tonight's fully loaded,
dealer-exclusive offering

was generously donated
by a Mr. Lonnie Earl dodd

of Lonnie Earl dodd Chevrolet!

If you can't trust Lonnie Earl,

who can you trust?

Let's give it up for Lonnie Earl!

I saw these two couples on
the "Jerry springer" show

that screwed up a hell of
a lot worse than we did.

And I figured if they can make
up by the end of the show,

in time, maybe we could, too.

You need any help with that, Roy?

But I guess life isn't always that simple.

So we all decided we'd better leave
what had happened back in Reno.

While the baby issue's still
stuck in everyone's craw...

Roy said that if he had to drop
2 grand at a sperm bank

to buy some stranger's seed,

he thought it seemed better
to get it from his best friend.

We all just wished Lonnie Earl
had made the deposit in a cup.

But you realize time heals all wounds,

and real friends endure tough times.

And that's what we are...
Real friends.

Roy...

I wanted to tell you somethin'.

I love you.

I know.

No.

I mean, I really love you.

And good news...
Candy had a 9-pound baby boy.

The spittin' image of Roy.

Candy insisted they name him Gunther.

And after two more babies,
there was no debatin' it...

Roy's tadpoles were most
definitely swimmin'.

As for us, Lonnie Earl finally agreed

to see that marriage counselor
in little rock.

And since then, things
have been lookin' up.

I've been takin' a more active
role in the family business.

And you'd be surprised what
it's done for my self-esteem,

not to mention our sales.

I guarantee you, we won't be
undersold by anybody.

And if you can't trust ol' Lonnie Earl...

Then you can trust Darlene.

Hi, I'm Darlene dodd

invitin' you to come on down
to Lonnie Earl dodd Chevrolet,

where you'll find the best deals ever.

So swing by Lonnie Earl
dodd dodge and Chevy

and say hello to Ronnie the rooster here

or try your luck with Trudy.

Right now, we've got a really great deal

on a used maroon suburban,

so come on over.

And just remember,
if you can't trust Lonnie Earl,

you can trust Darlene.