Waiting for Guffman (1996) - full transcript

A town of Blaine, Missouri is preparing for celebrations of its 150th anniversary. Corky St.Clair, an off-off-off-off-off-Broadway director is putting together an amateur theater show about the town's history, starring a local dentist, a couple of travel agents, a Dairy Queen waitress, and a car repairman. He invites a Broadway theater critic Mr. Guffman to see the opening night of the show.

First of all,

i want to thank
everybody for coming.

Giving up your lunch hours
and all that.

And, lord knows,
very exciting for all of us.

Happy to be here.

Oh, me, too.

Absolutely. And let's just
get our hands right into it.

Who wants to start us off?

I'll be happy to start.

You know what? Gwen,
why don't you start us off?

Ok. Sure...

you don't need
the pointer here, do you?

No. I don't need
the pointer. Thanks.

I'll just hold on to it, then.

Oh, she's fine. Gwen?

There is a concern that i have

that i think needs addressing

is that we can't have
the port-a-potties

too far off the main route,

because we do have
a lot of seniors.

Uh, we've solved that.

We're gonna take
the port-a-potties

and put 'em right over here.

They're not gonna
be in the way.

We're gonna put a receptacle

over near arts and crafts.

This is the big bins
you're talking about?

We've got barrels, too.

And we're gonna put
the barrels on every corner.

Wait a minute.
That's... that's the crate?

That's the big
barrel, 'cause you got

the pie-eating going on
right over here.

It's more of a dumpster
than a barrel.

That's another thing.
If anything happens

like last year
with that pie-eating...

which brings me
to a point... security.

Oh, god.

Security. I say
we put a rifle on here,

a man with a rifle here,
and a rifle here.

Protect the whole square.

Is that really necessary?

Yes. Remember how much
we got egged last year?


What can i tell you?
We're pleased as punch.

We... we are so proud.

We know that
whatever we do here

is a first for blaine
and a first for missouri,

that whatever we do
is going to be the standard

against which all other

that's the 150...
will be judged.

The people of blaine
are can-do people.

In fact, you know, there's
an old saying in missouri

if you don't like the weather,
just wait 5 minutes.

In blaine, i honestly
believe with hard work,

we can get that down
to 3 or 4 minutes.

Here in our
sesquicentennial year,

we've got a lot to talk about.

There's a lot to be proud of.

And we're very proud of it,

and i think it's about time

that the world
knows more about blaine.

We're chomping at the bit,

certainly from this end,
to get it out there.

It all started
with blaine fabin.

He was hired by 30 settlers

to lead a wagon-train expedition
from philadelphia to california.

Uh, on the 14th night,

word has it they were
sitting around the campfire,

and blaine said,
"do you smell it?

Do you smell the salt
in the air?"

He said, "we're here.
I brought you to california."

And so there was
a big party that night.

And the next morning,
they got up. Uh...

they didn't see the ocean

because they were in missouri.

Uh, blaine was able to convince
them for a little while

that it was just low tide
and things,

but what had happened was
that he had made some mistakes.

Bad weather. Wasrt familiar,
perhaps, with the proper route.

But as it turns out,

everybody was quite happy
to be where they were.

So they said, "it's ok we didn't
make it to california.

We'll stay here."

And that's why
i'm at this desk.

Well, i'm very proud to say
that i'm a direct descendant

of blaine fabin.

I've lived here all my life.

As did my parents
and their parents

and their parents
and their parents

and so on and so forth.

I'm very excited about
the show coming up,

because it'll be the first time

i'll have the experience
of sitting in the audience

and seeing actors portray
my ancestor...

the... the actual
blaine fabin.

Being a fabin
is not always easy.

Um, i can certainly understand
how the kennedys feel.

I had been living in new york

and working there
as an actor and director

and choreographer
for 25 years or so,

and i really felt
i needed a change.

I imagined, in my fantasy,
i suppose,

that when i came here,

i would have a completely
different life.

Uh, perhaps, um...

a construction worker

or one of those guys

that works on those
high-wire things that, uh...

with the hard hat.

You know,
that sweeping sort of hat.

And, uh, with the chaps.

But that didn't really
work out.

I began to realize, i guess,

that the theater
was still in my blood,

and what i had to do was
make use of that,

so i offered my services
to the high school here,

and they accepted,

and i began to teach drama.

And within about 6 months,

i had formed
the blaine community players.

I got to tell you,

we are very, very excited
about the big show

that's happening
at the end of the festival.

Everyone right now
is just going crazy

getting ready to audition.

And unfortunately
i won't be able to audition.

We have to stock that day
and can't get out of it.

And corky will not let me
audition any other time.

So, "that's show business,"
is what he told me,

and, uh, you know,
he's the master.

You gotta give him credit
for that.

President mckinley
did a whistle-stop tour

back in 1898.

And a little boy, jimmy mcbean,

made a stool for him.

And he loved it so much
that he called back,

and said, "lookit, i would
like to give more of these

to dignitaries
who are visiting."

And before you knew it,

blaine is manufacturing
all these footstools.

And that's how the big...

that's how we got
the stool boom.

Blaine became the stool capital
of the world.

My first show
wasbarefoot in the park,

which was an absolute smash,

but my production
on the stage ofbackdraft

was what really
got them excited.

This whole idea of
in-your-face theater

really affected them.

The conceptualization,
the whole abstraction,

the obtuseness
of this production to me

was what was interesting.

I wanted the audience
to feel the heat from the fire,

the fear... because people
don't like fire poked,

poked in their noses.

You know, when you get
a cinder from barbecue

right on the end of your nose

and you kind of make
that little face.

That's not a good thing.

I wanted to have
the sense memory of that.

So during the show,

i had someone burn newspapers

and... and send it through
the vents in the theater.

Well, they freaked out.

Of course, the fire marshal
came over,

and they shut us down
for a couple of days.

Mr. Bluestein,

montezuma's revenge
is nothing more

than good old-fashioned
american diarrhea.

Adult diapers

should never even
enter the picture.

So you lose a few pounds.

My mom used to say that blaine

is a little town
with a big heart

in the heart of a big country.

And, to me, blaine
is a kind of town

where i can have
my own business,

meet and marry a wonderful
woman like sheila,

and... and be something,
be somebody.

Some people find it ironical

that even though
we run a travel agency,

we've never been
outside of blaine.

With one exception.

Well, we've never been out...

you left blaine.

Well, i went
to jefferson city once.

It was a...

tell them why.

It was a medical reason.

You can tell 'em.

Just minor surgery.

I've been
working here at the d.q.

For about, um...

8 months, 7.

I don't know.
Something like that.

It's fun.

You just do the cones.

Make sundaes,
make blizzards, and...

put stuff on 'em and...

see a lot of people come in.

A lot of people
come to the d.q.

Burgers. Ice cream.

Anything, you know?

Cokes. Just drive in
and get a coke,

if you're thirsty.

Everybody thinks that roswell
was the first sighting

of a ufo in the united states,

and that's bull roar.

We had the first sighting
here in 1946.

And it wasrt just a sighting.
They didn't just fly by.

They stopped. They landed.

The people in blaine
went onboard the ship

for a potluck dinner.

I've been coming out
to this landing site

every day for 2 years

to measure it.

And here's the thing...

the circumference
and the diameter change

by a few inches,

yet the radius
remains the same.

Which brings me back
to the number 5.

There are 5 letters
in the name "blaine."

Mix the word "blaine" up,
mix it around,

you'll get "nebali."

the name of the planet

in a galaxy way, way...

way... far away.

I'll tell you another thing.

Once you step inside
this circle,

The weather never changes.

It is always 67 degrees

with a 40% chance of rain.


L... i love
to make people laugh,

and i've been doing it since...

you know, school.

People ask me,
"were you a..."

you know, "you must have been
the class clown."

And i say, uh,
"no, i wasrt."

But i sat beside
the class clown,

and I... i studied him,

and, uh, and saw
how he made people laugh.

And so i picked some things up,
and, uh, you know,

and at parties
and family functions,

i have to say, i love,
you know, breaking people up.

So, there's a thing
that i think i got...

a... a... an entertaining bug

from my grandfather, uh,
chaim progot

who was very, very big
in the yiddish theater

back in new york.

He was in the... the very...
the sardonically irreverent

I said more ham.

And that revue,
i believe, was 1914,

and that revue
is what made him famous.

Incidentally, the song
bubbee made a kishke

came from that revue.

My... my father, bless him,

brought me
into... into the business.

This was his dental practice,
uh, before,

and i joke with my wife
that, uh, you know,

at that point,
that's when the, uh,

the money started rolling in.

You know.

Brave making m-more wampum

to buy pelts.

One happy squaw in wigwam.

Happy as mongoose.

That, uh...

is, of course,
from johnny carson who, uh...

one of my heroes
in a very funny bit.

When i see lips
waiting to be kissed

I can't stop

I can't stop

For that lightning,
oh, it's striking



Lightning's striking

Again and again and again and

I'm going to do a scene
from the movieraging bull.

You fucked my wife?


You fucked my wife?

How can you ask me
a question like that?

How can you ask me?

I'm your brother
and you ask me that?

Where do you get the balls
big enough to ask me that?

Basically for
the last 15 years,

i have been the music teacher

at blaine high,

um, and part of my job,

and a very important part

is to put on a show every year,

which i have done
completely by myself.

This year it's going
to be different

because corky,
being from new york,

being a professional

and having put on some very
theatrical productions here,

uh, is going to be
directing the show this year

and i'm going to be
the musical director,

which is different for me.

Teacher's pet

I wanna be teacher's pet

I want to be
huddled and cuddled

And close to you as i can get

Teacher's pride

I wanna be teacher's pride

Dr. Pearl! How are you?
Ron albertson.

Yes, ron.

My wife sheila.

You remember her
from previous bills.

Hello, sheila.

What are you doing here?

I'm here, you know,
trying out for the big show.


No, why are you here really?

I'm... i told my wife
i'd come out for this show.

You know, i thought
i'd give it a shot.

Give it your best shot,

which won't be the first
shot you ever gave.

Hope it doesn't leave corky
numb like most of them.

It's like pulling teeth
to get a discount from him.

Why don't you give some
caramels to the little girl?

Future customers and all.


I can be teacher's pet

Long after school is through

Teacher, teacher, i love you



Ahem. Maybe just...

ahhh. Mmm.

I dream of jeanie

With the light brown hair

Floating like a vapor

On the soft summer air

Look out!

Camptown races sing this song

Doo-dah, doo-dah

Camptown racetrack 5 miles long

Oh, doo-dah day

Gwine to run all night

Gwine to run all day

Bet my money
on the bob-tail nag

Somebody bet on the bay?

Bay, bay, bay

Way down
upon the swannee ribber

Floating like

A vapor

On the soft summer



That was...
very nice.

Very good.
Very good.

Well, thank you,
dr. Pearl.

Well, thank you very much.

We'll let you know.

Very good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

He can actually sing.

He's good.

The albertsons?



I wonder who knows i'm
vacationing here at the oasis.

Am i late?



How did you find me?

I have my ways.

Would you like to
come in for coffee?

You don't need to answer

There's no need to speak

I'll be your belly dancer


And i will be your sheik

I don't need a harem, honey

When you're by my side

And you won't need a camel

No, no

When i take you for a ride

We'll need some coffee to go
with that ride, won't we?

You're always
full of surprises.

But, say, i wonder,

do we have time
for that coffee?

What time is it?

What time is it? Havert
you been paying attention?


Midnight at the oasis

Thank you.
Oh... good.

That was great.

Really good.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks for coming.

Should we leave the...?

Why don't you
put that back there?

Strike it?

We've done a few shows
for corky before,

so we know all
the terms going in.

Thank you.

Thanks so much.
It was really fun.

Thank you.

Thank you.


I'm feeling good

about where we stand now
with our cast.

I think that the elements,
as dr. Watson said to sherlock,

"are coming together, sir."

I'm very excited
about ron and sheila,

the old standbys,
the work horses.

I call them
the lunts of blaine.

Allan pearl. Interesting.
How do these...

where do they come from?

Sure, i'd seen him around.

It would never have occurred
to me to walk up

to the dentist and say,
"are you interested in this?"

But i was shopping
for my wife bonnie...

i buy most of her clothes...

and mrs. Pearl
was in the same shop.

And it just was an accident.

We started talking
about pantyhose.

She was saying... that's not
the point of the story,

but what the point is
was that through

this accidental meeting,
it's like, you know,

it's like a hitchcock movie

where you're thrown
into a rubber bag

and put in the trunk of a car.

You find people.
You find them.

Something. Is it karma?


But we found him,
that's the important thing.

And i got bonnie
a wonderful pants suit.

They took me off
into a separate room.

I seen 'em taking
different people off.

Different ones of us off
in separate rooms.

They put me on
a big white table

and, uh, the guy
that take me there,

the one of them that took me
in there to examine me,

he probed me.

I was in there i bet
more than 3 or 4 hours,

in that room being probed.

And at one time or another,

there's different
ones of them come in,

4, 5, 6 of them
at different times,

and all of them probed me.

Not all at once, you know.

Later on, years later,
now even still,

it's a funny thing.

It happened on a sunday,

and every sunday about the time

that i was taken
onboard that ship,

i find i have
no feelings in my buttocks.

Casting a show is really

only the beginning
of the process.

There's also
the whole design concept,

what fabrics will work
for the costumes,

the lighting,

and it really becomes
a wrasslir match, i guess,

between me
and the muse of theater,

and most of all, dance.

I'd like you
to close your eyes now,

and i'd like you to try
something, all right?

Now, what are you thinking,

what are you feeling right now
with your eyes closed?

I feel a bree... you're
blowing in my ear.

All right, but, see,
you jumped to a conclusion.


See, what i'm asking for is

your first feeling was not
that i was blowing on you,

it was more like...

virgin isles or
bahamanian or arubian.


Yeah, he's at his rehearsal.

He's at his first rehearsal.

I don't know what they're doing

'cause i never been
to one before,

but i bet they're introducing
themselves to each other.

You know, it's gonna be nice

to meet
some of these new folks,

'cause we don't socialize
with the creative types.

We got our scrabble club
and stuff,

and, um, you know,

and other people with babies.

Right. Good.

Oh, the exercises
all mean something.

Even if you don't know what.

Dr. Pearl,
well, he'll come around,

and he'll learn like ron and
sheila and i have learned

that corky has a vision.

Whoa! Whoa!



Forget about it! Ha ha!

Ha ha! I went like this.

Forget about it. Ha ha!

With her it's ok,

but with him,
he thought... ha ha!

I, uh, i'm walking
on air, you know.

This is a sensation
which is... forget it.

When i became a dentist,
i thought i was happy,

but this is... this is
making me nervous now,

because i could have
wasted a lot of years.

I must say
i was very shocked to see

that dr. Pearl had
actually been cast.

Then i thought...

we're in a glamor profession,
being travel agents,

and he isn't in
such a glamorous...

one project,
we have to loosen him up.

I have a feeling
he's a little tight.

Particularly when
he's around us probably.

I don't think he'll mind jokes.

You're intimidating, ron...

i can't help it.

Because you have
so much experience.

Ron is going to help
everyone act,

'cause i know ron gives me...

well, in all the productions
we've been in,

and when we do scene studies
at home together,

ron will have extensive,

you know, hour, 2-hour
sessions of notes for me,

and it's so helpful.

It's notes for both of us.

No, but lately...

you get most of them.

He's trying to help me
to change my instincts

or at least ignore them.

let me tell you why i'm here.

We're doing a show.
I won't beat around the bush.

We're doing a show
that i've written

about the 150th anniversary
of blaine,

and i know
you're an old blainian.


And you're really right
for one of the parts.

It's the narrator in the show.

One of the actor parts?


Oh, i don't know.

I've heard... i think
you're being modest

because i've heard
you've had some history

in show business.

Well, you know i did have,
i had a hankering

to be an actor
when i was a young fella,

when i got out of
the coast guard,

but i went to taxidermy
school instead.

Well, i took
a correspondence course.


I'll tell you something,
mr. Wooley,

what i'm looking for
in my shows are actors

and people that are
willing to work hard.

Well, yeah, i'm a hard worker
as you can see.

I love all the work
you've done.

That's a little gun rack
made out of deer hooves.

Oh, yeah.

Boy, i didn't know
deers could do that.

I know this
comes out of left field,

but i'm looking
for another actor.

And i was wondering
if you had any interest

in participating in the show.

Does that appeal to you
in any way?

I'm not much of an actor,
i'm sorry.

I've never done that,
anything like that before.

Ok, fair enough,

but it might be
interesting, you know,

after, uh...
do you get off tonight?

What time do you
get off tonight?

Well, i get off at 8:00.

At 8:00 tonight?

Really? That's...
that's a long day.


Hey, dad, this is, uh, mr...

st. Clair.
St. Clair.

He's a drama guy.

Yeah, and, um, at 8:00
you're off, though?


I have to tell you i'm not
much of an actor or singer.

Well, you know what?

That's what
charles laughton said.

You know?
And look what happened.

Did you change the fan belt
on that blue chevy?

No, i haven't done that yet.

When you get done here,
will you get on that?


Um, so, how tall are you?




It's all the same

When we say, "nothing
ever happens in blaine,"

could we try you two
singing "blaine,"

where we really hear
the "ne" at the end.

And you guys just go,
"nothing ever happens in blai."

Don't say the "ne."
They say the nes.

And the same thing...
"nothing ever happens,

it's all the same."

And you sing,
"it's all the sa."

Let's try it once, ok, jean?

1, 2, 3, and...

i know it's hard
to jump into this,

because it must seem
like a, you know...

a new world,

but we're gonna
ease you into it.

And if you ever
have any questions,

you can always call me up.
I'll give you my...

i have a private number.

It's not listed,
so don't lose it.

And do not give it out
to... to anyone.

"How high a ridge,
i could not tell,

for the sun,
the sun has..."

not pinching your shirt.

I want, you see...
hook in those thumbs.


Yeah, there you go.

Just... that's right.

"How high a ridge,
i could not tell..."

see what's happening
with your voice already?

'Cause it's almost as if you're
squeezing your boobies out,

and it's... it's going to be
going out into that audience.

Pushing it right out there.

I could try a "how."

"How... how high a ridge,
i could not tell..."

Keep in time.



Robin in the nest.




This'll dominate the show.

By the pool

In the school
by the fires of yule

It's the rule

There's a stool,
there's a stool

Stools are where

Once upon a time
you'd find a chair

A chair's for fools

Everybody wants stools

Stool boom

From the parlor
to the pool room

Everyone knows our name?

Whose script is that?

Oh, sorry.

No, drool.

You will...
Oh, they're gonna be...

Never stopping

Never breathing, working

I don't want to interfere,

but i think it would be...

i think we have to work on...

i can't hear you.

I think we have to work on
the music a little bit more.


But i don't want
to make trouble, so...

and i don't
really want to do this

in front of them,
but i think...

where do you want to do it?

Well, i think we have to
sit down and make a schedule

that includes
some... some music time,

'cause i think jean and i
have to work...

why are you whispering?

I'm right here,
you know? I don't...

oh, i'm sorry.

Do you want me to talk louder?

Because i think
that it would be...

well, now it's too loud.

You know, just talk like
a normal person, ok?

I think what they
were doing was good.

To me, you rehearse,
you rehearse.

You get it perfect. You know
exactly what you're doing.

And then what?

And then you forget about it.

Let me pinpoint you.

You said they learn it,
they forget it,

and that's ok?

That's f... great.

Well, they've forgotten it...

but they never learned it.
So when did they learn it?

I'm just saying,
when do we have the time...

but what i'm saying is,

if they're gonna
forget it anyway,

then what difference
does it make?

You see what i mean?
It's like one of those...

it's like a...
it's a zen thing.

It's like, you know...
you know,

how many babies, you know, fit

in... in the tire thing?

That whole...
the old joke, you know?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
No, you have a point.

Uh, it's, you know,
an interesting point.

And how'd you find this place?

we've... we've been, uh...

coming here for many,
many years.

Oh, yeah,
we come every thursday.

Well, with the rehearsals,
you won't be able to now.

This is true.

You know, in china,

they'll kill a monkey
at the table

and split its head open,

eat the brains right out of it.

We had friends...

Barbara and bruce, remember?

Who went to, uh, china,
and i'm sure...

you're in
the travel business...

that you've been there,

but they went to peking,
where they make the ducks,

and what they say is
that the food over there

is not as good...

you can't get a sauce as
thick and sweet over there.

They don't make it like that.

Their food is like
steamed or something.

And they should've
called you, because...

yeah, we got
some good packages.

Incidentally, if you two

ever want to get down
to miami, miami beach,

we got a great package.
A week, 2 weeks.

All expense... yeah.

You get everything you need,

any kind of food
in blaine. You don't...

you know, you get chinese here.

Uh, no need to go...

we're talking about
miami now, dear.

Yeah, we'd love to go.
We'd love to...

is it a direct?

A week, 2 weeks.

Like there aren't
chinese people in miami.

Well, we should.
You know, we've stopped...

what does that have to do...

of course there are
chinese people in miami.

We're talking about china now.

I'm talking about
going to miami.

Miami. We're talking
about miami now.

Dear, why don't you put
some food on your stomach

before you have any more wine?

What's it...
what's it...

shh. Girl talk.

What's it like to be
with a circumcised man?

That is interesting.

I'd ask you more about
that, but ron said...

"that whole
jew thing's..."


'Cause when ron
had his surgery...

all right, all right,
all right.

When ron had
his surgery, i said,

"hey, circumcise it
while you're at it."

'Cause i had never been
with anyone else.

Rors the only man
i've been with.

Well, what surgery, uh...
did he have some major...

nothing. I had a little
minor corrective surgery.

Could we have some coffee
at this table, please?

It's not minor anymore.


well, maybe, you know,
we should change the subject.

I had what, you know,
most guys would, uh...

dream of, you know.

And i had to have, uh,
penis-reduction surgery.

I'm sorry?

Penis reduction.

Which there aren't many.

You're gonna say,
"i never heard of that,"

'cause there haven't
been many cases.

I said,
"ron, do something."

And he said, "why don't
you get one of those...

vagina enlargements?"

Oh, dear! Could we have
some coffee over here?

Have you tried the egg rolls?


Let me ask you something.
You're a medical man.


I want to ask you
something. If you... you...

oh! Ohh,
for heavers sake! No!

No. No, please.
No! I just want...

doctor, please...

medicine man not go near
dances with stumpy. No.

Everybody, everybody,

i have a little
announcement to make.

I wasrt gonna tell you.

I sent out 10 letters

to different producers
in new york city.

That's great.

This is from
the oppeneimer organization.

"Dear mr. St. Clair,

"in response to your letter

"re: Blaine, missouri's
150th anniversary

"and the debut
of your original musical

"red, white, & blaine,

"the oppeneimer organization

"is delighted to inform you

"that it will be sending
a representative,

"mr. Mort guffman,

"to view the production

and enlighten us
with his comments."

How about that?

"We thank you
for the invitation."

And it says, "best regards,
samuel oppeneimer jr."

Wow. What does
this mean, corky?

What it means is,

we may be goir to broadway.



Oh, this is great news!

How about that?

Did you hear that?

My aunt...
i brought out her atlas

that i look at a lot,

this big blue book,
and opened up to new york.

And it's an island,
is really what it is.

It's this...
island full of people

of different colors
and different ideas,

and i can't... it sounds
like a lot of fun to me.

You know, we don't see
much of that in blaine.

I'd like to maybe
meet some guys and...

italian guys or...

you know,
i've watched tv and stuff.

L-i'm gonna be glad to do
the show on broadway,

and there'll probably
be other offers.

Mmm. Keeping
our fingers crossed.

But i don't know if the theater
and the stage is for me.

For one thing,

there's an awful lot
of memorizing of lines,

and i think... and i think...
you know what i'm thinking.

Yeah. That's always
been in your way.

The ultimate goal...

Even when i was a kid
doing my impressions...

"Here's looking at you, babe."

And, uh...

"You don't care

about anyone but yourself."

Who was that?
Henry fonda.

I always have to tell her
who i'm doing.

She always laughs,
"now, who is that?"

But i think, back there,

there's always
the germ in my mind

that that's where i'd end up...
on the silver screen.

And you got the face
for it, too, darlir.

You know, i want to try

that "less is more"
kind of acting,

where you just... when you're
talking to someone,

you close your eyes,
and then you look at them

when you're not
talking to the person.

I mean, you open your eyes
when you're looking away,

but then when you
talk to the person,

you go like that.
And you open your eyes,

and then you look back
at the person,

but you never open your eyes
when you're talking to them.

The guffman news is really big,

and, uh, i don't
truthfully think

that the cast understand
how big.

Um, they don't know
the new york thing.

They haven't been
through it, and i have.

You know, so it is kind of
on my shoulders,

and... going to the big apple
for the first time,

you know, is...

such an experience.
You never forget it.

It stays with you
for your whole life.

Me, you know,
right out of the navy,

you know,
fresh off a destroyer,

uh, with a dance belt and a tube
of chapstick, basically.

You know, not really much
to call my own.

And then basically
being slammed down

for 10 or so years, you know,

off off off off broadway,

and then enough is enough,
ok? I get the joke.

And... is that gonna happen
again? I don't know.

I mean, and i don't want it
to happen again.

In my deepest,
deepest of hearts,

i do not want it
to happen again.

Mr. Guffman brings with him...
a reputation,

something bigger than anyone
in this town has ever known,

and if i am to get back
to new york city

on my terms,

i cannot deliver him...
a stinky product.

I really have to be
presenting him a package.

A beautifully wrapped,
glossy, sweet-smelling show.

What i need from you...

because you're the bosses
of the town, essentially,

and i know that...


this is so hard.

I mean, there's nothing
easy about this.

This is like when you're
getting your legs waxed,

and they whip that thing off
real fast.

That's what this is like.

I need more money.

How much do you need?

Steve's right. How much
are you thinking of, now?


What i need...

is 100,000.

Oh, brother!


He is good.

He is.

And let me explain,

let me explain what...

go ahead.

Oh, man, my heart stopped
for a second there.

He started going "money"
and the whole guffman thing.

Let me just explain
really what that entails.

I bought it all the way,
by the way.

He's not joking.
He's serious, glenn.

He's... he's not kidding?

Corky, our entire budget

for the entire year
is $15,000 for everything,

and that includes swimming.

Well, i don't have any
swimming in my show.

No, no. I mean the pool.
We have to keep up the pool.

That's everything.
The entire year is 15,000.


Look, you're a nice fella
and all, glad you're here,

but if i may be blunt...
what's wrong with you?

I mean...

So what i'm understanding here,

correct me if i'm wrong,

is that you're not
giving me any money.

So now i'm left
basically with nothing.

I'm left with zero,

in which... in which...
what can i do with zero?

You know, what can I...
i can't do anything with it.

This is my life here
we're talking about.

We're not just talking about,
you know, something else.

We're talking about
my life, you know?

And it's forcing me to do
something i don't want to do...

to leave,

to... to go out
and just leave and go home

and say...
make a clean cut here

and say, "no, way, corky.

You're not putting up
with these people."

And i'll tell you why
i can't put up with you people.

Because you're bastard people.

That's what you are.
You're just bastard people,

and i'm going home,
and i'm gonna...

i'm gonna bite my pillow
is what i'm gonna do!

What do you use on your skin?


Petroleum jelly
on your skin? Yeah.

You are getting away
with murder, libby.

You're young and it's ok,
but have i told you...

libby, i have an announcement.

I have to talk to you.

Excuse me, libby.
I have to talk to you.

I'm gonna round us up.

Hold on. Gee.

Dr. Pearl.


Good morning.
We have an announcement.

We have to talk. Ok?

Gather around, please.
Gather around.

Libby! Sheila.

Excuse me, ron.

Thank you. Dr. Pearl.

Please be quiet.
I have an announcement.

We've got to listen up here.

Excuse me, are we
gonna be vocalizing?

We will be vocalizing.

Before we start, i'd
like to clear my throat.

Yes, we'll be doing...
we'll be vocalizing.

We'll be doing a lot of...
excuse me, please!

Everybody, let's be serious now
just for a moment,

and let's all listen up, ok?

Corky has left the show,
and i am taking over.

And what i want to do today
is start with some music,

do dancing,
and work on our lines.

And my hope is
at the end of 5 days,

we will know
what we're doing...

what do you mean?

And we will have a show.

Corky's left?

You mean he's left
for today or permanently?

Corky has quit the show,
and it's my show.




Here, you go up.

Boy, i only
do that twice a day,

that's good exercise.

You know,
most athletic injuries...

is he not answering?

Corky, we love you!

Corky, open up!


Corky, we love you!
We want you to live!

There may be something wrong.

Try the door.
Is the door unlocked?

He wants to be alone right now.

I'd never forgive myself
if something was wrong.

Just shut up! Just shut up!
Jesus christ!


Freaky people, my god!

I know how he feels, too!

Guess i can just go back
to the dairy queen, you know.

They said they'd take me back.

I always have a place
at the dairy queen.

You got to stop crying.

She hasn't cried this much

since the day we got
married. Honestly.

You know, this is wonderful.

Why didn't i react like this
when i was playing football

for the blaine panthers
and our quarterback

went down with
a dislocated knee?

I should have said,

'Cause you're strong, ron,
you're strong.

You're just a big brick!

Let's delay the game,
and my lip would tremble,

and i see we have
an injured quarterback.

Let's give up. No.
You know what we did?

We brought in the
second-string quarterback.

When he went down,

we brought in the
third-string quarterback,

and we went out,
and we whipped the pants

off of harry truman
high school,

and next week, went out
and mopped the floor

with blessed, uh,
heart of mary.

And they went on to win
the state championship.

To tell you the truth,

i haven't even
thought about it.

Not for a... not for a second
have i even dwelled on the fact

that the show's over.

I don't, uh, i don't, uh,
think about it.

L... i try not
to think about it,

and therefore,
i, you know, don't,

because it's a very healthy way

to deal with something
that is ultimately

not that important
in the long run.

It's not... not, uh,
not important at all,

you know, for me.

I'm just so sad for corky,
you know, i mean...

i think these creative people,

they're real emotional,
and, um...

i think the important thing
about show-biz people

is that you got to have
a-another life.

And I... i know, you know, uh,
he's... he's got a wife.

I guess she's out of town.

Um... because i haven't
seen her.

I've never seen her,

so, you know,
that could be the problem.

You know, maybe she's
just not supportive.

Corky, without you,
there's no show.

Without the show,
there's no celebration.

Without celebration,
there's no blaine.

So you see how
it's a domino effect.

You know how dominoes do that.

Without blaine,
i got news for you,

there's no missouri.

Blaine is the heart
of missouri.

What happens if missouri
goes down? You tell me.

We need the magic back
in the show, is what we need,

and it ain't gonna
happen with lloyd.

Lloyd is a music teacher,
and he shops at walmart.

He doesn't even
support the town.

The person who needs
you the most...

is blaine fabin.

Hear, hear.

And i'm not just saying that
because i am a fabin.

Ok, ok.

I'm saying that
because i just know

that nobody can touch, um...

that whole...


That whole thing, hmm?

You could take a nickel,

and you could make it
into a million dollars,

because this man is a genius,
and we cannot lose that.

Look what you did withbarefoot
when you came to this town.

Did you have any budget then?

You didn't have $100,000 then,

and look what happened
to that show.

And what aboutbackdraft?

You took a little bit
of cellophane,

and you made it into flames!

You can still feel the heat.

You know what?
You're not wrong.

We need you
to take your magic wand...

and wave it and make
this town special again,

is what we need.

Will you do it?

Come on back, cork.








Thank you.



Please! Oh!


All right,
thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ok, let's pretend that
it never happened, ok?

And let's just jump
intocovered wagons.

All right? Let's start
from the dance part.

Covered wagons!



In a funny way,
what the city council did

was really give me a challenge,

and it's a challenge
that i am going to accept.

It's like in the olden days
and the days in france

when men would slap each other
with their gloves,

and say, you know,

"d'artagnan, you know,

how dare you talk
to me like that, you!"

And smack 'im.

Stool boom

From the parlor
to the pool room

We're the center
of a stool boom

Everyone knows our name?

Working, making

Never stopping, never sleeping

Working, building

Some for selling,
some for keeping

You will drool

At the splendor
of these magic stools

It's the rule

Everyone has a stool

Just 3 legs

It's the thing
for which a monarch begs

Hock your jewels

I did want to mention
one thing.



1845, you know,

i think it's a little problem.

Oh, oh, oh.

My glasses.

You're saying...

i don't think
you should wear them.

Don't wear them in the show?

It's mostly in covered wagons,

because i think that's the one

where it's just not
as believable.

Of course, when you get
further up in time,

historically, it's...

i can see a couple of problems.

Nothing major. Nothing
that we can't solve.

One, um...

contrary to public opinion,

i don't see very well
without my glasses,

so i'm thinking is that
going to be a problem

for me... just look out.

And the other thing
which is also a problem

is i have a very lazy eye

which these prescription
glasses help correct.

Wo 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and...

Blue sky, blue sea

Blue grass, blue tree

Red as the fire in our hearts

That makes this country strong

Red as the fire in our hearts

That helps us sing this song

Getting off the horse
is not a problem.

I can get off
the horse like that,

but where i'm having a problem

is that sometimes
the horse comes out

and i can't get past the cow.

So i have to kind of
do this when i come out.

"Gather round,
for i have news."

I don't know which
is more lifelike,

the horse
or dr. Pearl.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Here's the phone.

It's johnny.

I feel like a hero...



What do you mean?

Then we back up.

But i've been waiting
for you to turn around...

What are you saying?


I understand that.
No, i understand.

Believe me, i do understand.

What can you do is
just say absolutely not!

Do you understand that?

I don't believe that.

No, i'm sorry.
I do not accept that.

That is not an answer, no.

It's absolutely unacceptable
that you would say this now.

Not today! No!

And that's the way it is?

Then i just hate you!

And i hate your ass face!

What's up?
Oh, corky.

Johnny's not in the show.

His dad said he has
to go back to work.

What does he think
this is, school,

that he can be marked
absent one day?

This is the day
of the show, y'all.

Oh, my god.

Just... just...

This is very strange.

Ron, just... just let me think
for a second, all right?

I've just got
to take a breath here

and... and try to figure
this out, all right?

It's tight.
That hurts.

If you could hike
it up a little bit

you'd get more room.

I am pulling them up.

Sort of trying to commit
to one side here, dear.

This is johnny's costume,
and johnny is a lot...

he's a different
body type than you are.

This is... i don't...
i'm worried...

i'm about 5 inches away...

i understand.

Wo Actors, we're at 15 minutes.

Oh, my god!

We're at 15.

No, we gotta move now.
Come on.

You're gonna have
to help me here.

Ok, ok.
Help me here!

I'm so nervous.

You're gonna be great.

If there's an empty space,
just say a line.

That's what i like to do.

Even if it's from another show.

Agnes, where's the lilac dress?

You mean the purple one?

Yes. Where is it?

Honey, i told you to lay off
the hot fudge sundaes.

I couldn't let the seams out.

It's not here?

Not it is not.
Hello, sweetheart.

Oh, i destroyed my makeup!

Mmm. Hark!
A rider approaches!

Oh, god!

It's all right.
Just... careful.

I hope that isn't too hot.

No, no, it's just fine.

May i remind you, please?

No glasses for
the first number.

Oh, no, no, no, I...

We're at places.

Have a good show everybody!
Break a leg!

Don't worry about anything
'cause it's gonna all roll...

he's not here.

He's not here.

Not here? Guffman?

Should we lower the curtain?


Everybody, look, look,

i've been through this
a million times.

These new york types
like to come late.

Believe me. I've never seen
one of them come on time

in all my years in the theater.

Take a deep breath...

blow it out.

He's gonna be here.
Let's just do a good show, ok?

Everybody do a good show.
Hands in the middle.


Oh, howdy.

Eh, didn't see you
sneak up on me there.

But if you like,

you're welcome to share
my campfire with me.

I was just fixing
to get me some grub.


I love beans.
Big, fat, hot juicy beans.

Now, don't get me
going on beans

or i'll be jabberir away
till the sun comes up.

But, you know,
now that i've got your ear,

there is a story i wouldn't
mind sharing with you.

It's a tall tale
that grows taller

with each passing year.

It's the story of blaine.

Well, we've traveled
long and far today.

We must let the women
and children rest.

Don't you rest on our account,
daniel potter.

We women are just as strong
and resilient as you men.

Ha ha ha!

I do believe you are, rebecca.

I do believe you are.

California will be a sight
for these weary eyes.

Mine as well,
rebecca, mine as well.

But right now we need
a campfire to warm our souls

and to cook our food.




That will be quite enough
of that, billy whittaker.

Just one kiss?

There'll be plenty
of time for kissing

when we get to california.

Lfwe get to california.

Oh, we'll get there.

Blaine fabin will
lead us there.

Hark! A rider approaches.

Blaine fabin returns!


Ho there!

Whoa, steady.

Gather round for i have news.

What news?

What did your keen and
perceptive eyes behold?

Just up yonder,
there is a ridge.

How high a ridge,
i could not tell,

for the sun had set
and darkness fell

before i reached its pinnacle.

Then... a strange thing

My nose started twitchir.

There was a mysterious
scent in the night air.

What? What kind
of scent?

What was this mysterious scent?

It was the scent of salt water!

Salt water!

Salt water?

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have reached
our destination!

We have reached the pacific!

Welcome to california!


Grab your feller by the hand

Welcome him
to the promised land

Grab your lady by the arm

Take her out behind the barn

Everybody dance!


That was great!

Shut up.
I can't believe...

oh, my!

60 years went by,

and the town of blaine kept
a-growir and a-changir.

Every time you looked around,
a new house was going up,

a new family was moving in.

Hurry, agnes.

I am trying to hurry.
There we go.

You got my hat?
Where's my hat?

Your hat? Right here
is your hat, darling.

Mcgillicuddy's orchard became
the blaine elementary school.

They even laid track for
that newfangled invention,

the iron horse,

which brought a pretty
important visitor to blaine.

It's president mckinley!

Hurrah! Hurrah!

Good people of blaine,

they told me
my next stop was wichita,

but i said,
"what about blaine?"


I guess i need
a new travel agent.

Mr. President,
in honor of our visit...

yourvisit toourtown,

i present you humbly

with this fair key to our city.

Well, i do declare,
i believe the key to this city

is larger than the city itself.

Wait, mr. President!

What have we here?

It's a footstool.
I make them.

Well, isn't that interesting?

I'll take this back
to washington with me,

and every time i rest my feet

i'll think of blaine.



Now, we all know
that politicians

aren't used to keeping
their word...

he's here.
He's here.

I told you he was gonna come.

Should we start over again?

He didn't see covered wagons!

Well, before you know it,

everyone rich and poor alike

had to have a blaine stool
in their home.

The little town never
knew what hit it.

Footstool factories
sprouted up like toadstools.

Everyone had a good job,

everyone was making
a good wage.

Blaine was on the map.

By the pool

In the school,
by the fires of yule

It's the rule

There's a stool,
there's a stool

Stools are where

Once upon a time
you'd find a chair

A chair's for fools

Everybody wants stools

Stool boom

From the parlor
to the pool room

We're the center
of a stool boom

Everyone knows our name?

Working, building

Never stopping, never sleeping

Working, making

Some for selling,
some for keeping

You will drool

At the splendor of
these magic stools

It's the rule

Everyone has a stool

Just 3 legs

It's a thing
for which a monarch begs

Hock your jewels

Use the money for stools

Stool boom

Just 3 legs
and watch the sales zoom

Like a fever, it's a stool boom

And it's spreading out
from blaine

Working, building

Never stopping, never sleeping

Working, making

Some for selling,
some for keeping

Working, building

Never stopping, never sleeping

Working, making

Some for selling

Some for keeping


I can't wait
to see the second half.

Allan, his dramatic work...

i mean, i knew he was funny,

and i knew he could move, dance,
'cause he's that way,

but i think his dramatical work
is so moving that, um...

well, i mean,
i called joyce and i said,

"joyce, bring joshie 'cause
i gotta feed him halftime

'cause i'm just busting."

This is good.
Boy, they're moving.

They're dancing
all over the place

and the songs are very catchy.

Uh, very catchy.

Can't get a few of them
out of my head.

Almost to an annoying point,

but i think it's good
when a song is catchy.

From the little experience
i have in show business.

I knew corky that could act
and direct and produce,

but who knew he was going
to act and sing and dance?

You know, he can just do
everything there is to do,

and there's only one
other person in the world

that can do that and
that's barbra streisand.

He is...

I don't know.
An inspiration to this town.

That's... that's what he is.

And i, for one, am very glad

to see that johnny savage
dropped out of the show,

because a couple years ago,
he came into the drugstore

and he tried to steal
my stamp machine,

and that kid is no good.

You could tell just by
his parents he's no good,

and he would not have added
anything to this show.

Where corky
on the other hand...

Iook at him! Did you see...

god, i wish i was in the show!

I hear that french girls...

are very pretty.

That they wear
the finest of clothes.

I also hear
that they are experts

in the ways of love.

Ima, i'm going to fight
for my country.

To fight, and yes, perhaps die

so that young men
from here to timbuktu

can feel the wind of freedom
blowing through their hair.

Oh, monty, i didn't
mean to doubt you.

It's just sometimes i feel
as if i don't really know you.

I would still pay.

A penny for your thoughts

A dime for your dreams

Would a shiny new quarter

Buy a peek at your schemes?

And when you are away

So far from my side

I will cherish
my penny's won'th

Till at last i'm your bride

A penny for your thoughts

Let's call it a deal

I don't have any secrets

You know how i feel

That's it. No, no.
Hey, here.


You know where i like the curl.

Ron, i have to get
myself ready.

There it is. Nice.

Now, a little fluff here
and you can work on yourself.

A penny for your thoughts

It's settled and done

I'd have offered a million

I'd have done it for none

I reckon we're in love

And married we'll be

And all for a penny

A bright copper penny

The penny that brought you

To me

It was so good.

I told you you'd be able
to lift me like that.

Ha ha! You were right!

You lifted me up!

Yes, after our brave fighting
boys returned from the war,

things got
back to normal in blaine.

Until one summer night in 1946,

when unexpected visitors
put us back on the map.

Where are we?

How did we get here?

Is this a dream?

Look, what is it?

I don't know.

It looks like one of them
new feed storage bins.

That ain't no feed storage bin!

How did it get here?

It must've flew!

But it don't have any wings.

Then i guess it just dropped...

from somewhere up there.

Citizens of blaine,

do not be alarmed.

We will not harm you.

We come in peace from
a planet far, far away.

A place we call mars.

I've heard of mars.

Where's that?

Stand back and
your queries will be answered.

Look out!

What do you want from us?

A good question, earthling.

It seemed like
it was time for a change.

Time to take a trip

to see the exciting places
in the galaxy.

For you see...

Nothing ever happens on mars

No sports or entertainment

Or swinging bars

You stand around

You stand some more

On a planet named
for a roman god of war

Nothing ever happens on mars

No supersonic airplanes?

No sporty cars

The sun comes up

The sun goes down

You can't go to the country

You can't go to town

Boring, boring

Boring, boring

Boring, boring


Well, the town of blaine

has packed a lot
in the last 150 years.

We've had our ups
and we've had our downs.

We've seen our past

and we look forward
to the future.

And when the challenges come,

we'll greet them
the way americans always do,

with grit,
determination, and pride.

Because that,
my friends, isamerica.

And nothir
says america more to me

than blaine!

Aah! Corky!


Mmm! You're so brilliant!
You're brilliant!

Cliff, you're great.
Everyone is so great!

Ohh, dr. Pearl!

Corky, you did it!

Thank you! Mmm!

I'm going to get mr. Guffman.
I'll be right backstage.

It was great.

Hello, how are you?


It's nice to meet you.

And you, too.

Boffo socko, corky.

Thank you so much,
mr. Mayor.

Wait'll they hear about this

at the next mayor's conference.

Thank you so much.

I know we have
a lot of work to do,

the first act needs...

that was magic.

Thank you very much, steve.

Thank you so much.

Which we've got... the first act,
it's just up and down.

Kind of dipping in and out,
and i know that,

just don't have the time
to do everything.

So, i'm gonna ask you

do we have a shot
to go to broadway?

Yes, i think so.

Ohh, mamma mia!
That is such good news.

Oh, i can't tell you
what news that is to me.

Would you like
to meet the cast?

I'd like that, yeah.

Oh, great.
Come on with me, you.


Mr. Pro!
Wonderful job.

You, too.
That blaine...


Ha ha ha!



Our cast.

Thank you.
You were just great.

Oh ho ho!

Well, i'd like... please,
introduce yourselves.

Sheila... sheila albertson.

I was?
You were great.

Mrs. Ron albertson.
I'm ron albertson.

It's a pleasure to
perform for someone...

this came a couple hours ago.

I'm sorry i'm just now
getting it to you.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Clifford wooley.

Mr. Wooley.

Nice to meet you.

Allan pearl.

You... you make me laugh.

Oh, it's a delight
to meet you, sir.

Well, i'm sure that
mr. Guffman would like

to say a few words to us.

Hear, hear!

Speech, speech, speech!

I think there's some mistake.

My name is loomis.
Roy loomis.

I'm down from deming.

I came down, my niece
had her first baby.

Yeah, it's a boy.

That's what the balloon is for.

I just wanted to tell you

how just absolutely
wonderful you all were.

And thank you. And
i'll be seeing you.

And bless you.
He's gonna love this.

Oh, boy.

Take our
makeup off. Ahem.

"Snowstorm in new york.

"All flights canceled.

Mort guffman."

I think the one really
important thing that i learned

uh, from my whole experience
in working with corky,

is that
i do indeed have talent.

And a couple of things,

"B"...i have to entertain.

I have to entertain.

And you have to go
where you are needed,

you have to go where
the crowds are,

and you have to go
where the love is.

And the love, for me, right now

is in miami.

Not blaine.

My bubbee made a kishke

She made it big and fat

My sadie took one look at it

And said,
"i can't eat that!"

Oh, mama, mama, mama

Oh, mama, me, oh, my

Well, here we are
in the land of dreams,

and don't let anybody tell you
dreams can't come true.

We're an hour from the snow,

we're 20 minutes
from the ocean,

2 hours from the mexico.

5 hours from vegas.

And we're gonna get there
one of these days.

Soon as we get a car.

We don't have a car yet. Who
wants to add to the pollution?

We consider ourselves
bl-coastal if you consider

the mississippi river
one of the coasts.

Wo Extras, let's go.
Over here.

All right. Time
to get back to work.

That's what they're
paying us for.

Can't they even refer
to us by name?

Why can't they say,
"ron, sheila,

we're this way, please"?

Still the same paycheck,
honey. How you doing?

All right.

You're doing a great
job, incidentally.

Face towards the camera
and smile.

Are you gonna smile?

I think we should have a line.

I gave him some suggestions.
He didn't want to hear...

we should be

That's a great idea.

Quiet, please!

Get your finger up.
Keep smiling.

Quiet, please.

I was on my way to new york,

and then my dad
got out of prison.

Which is good.

He was supposed to be
in there for 10 years,

but i guess since
he didn't kill anybody,

he just... ruined
some property,

that they let him out after 5.

So, it's... i'm here
with my dad.

And, um...

i've been thinking
of ice cream and stuff

and what i could do with it.

Maybe... we have a blizzard
and we have a breeze.

We have derbies.

The derbies are really old.

They've been doing derbies...
the chocolate dip...

for, i think 20 years
or something.

I really want to sort of
make a healthy

low-fat or non-fat, um...



The first thing i did

when i moved back
to new york city,

was to look up mr. Guffman.

And he was so sweet,

and i think he felt
a little guilty, too,

because he's
offered me the chance

to audition for
his new broadway show

which is a revival
ofmy fair lady.

It's one of my favorite
shows of all time.

And the role is
of 'enry 'iggins,

the somewhat-

anyway-kind-of-thing guy

who teaches eliza
to speak correctly.

And she of course is of
the cockney persuasion

and drops her hs.

And i've been
working on that at home,

the whole cockney thing of,
"'ello, 'ow are 'oo?"

"Do you want
to go to 'artford?"

"Not live in this 'ell'ole."
And that kind of thing.

I think i'm honing in on it
pretty close now.

And i suppose that
the cake-and-eat-it-too part

of this whole story

is that another dream
of mine has come true,

which is that i've gotten
to open this shop...

where i have all
my show business treasures

and all my memorabilia.

This is without a doubt,
one of my favorite items.

Um, my dinner with andre
action figures,

and what you can do,
which is so cute,

is you can reenact
the whole scene.

You know, where the two guys
talk to each other

and say, you know...

"boy, i'm sure glad
you found a good restaurant.

"You know, it's so hard
these days to get in.

Who do you know?"

"Oh, i just called.

Made a call.
Spur of the moment."

"Ha ha! Oh, you, you can
always get a reservation."

You know.
That's not from the movie,

but you can make up
your own dialogue,

which is one of the great things
about action figures.

I'm trying to get...
it's very rare...

the one... the action figures
fordas boot,

'cause i love to do that
whole claustrophobic thing

inside the sub
where they're, you know,

"das kande,
das mushtenstein."

That whole german thing.

Can't speak german,
but it sounds like

sort of a bunch
of barnyard animals,

"muck, muck, muck,"
making that noise and sweatir.

Uh, over here,
these are my big heads,

i call 'em, starting
with anthony michael hall,

one of the brat packers.

In fact,
in the background there,

there's andrew mccan'thy.

Over here, some new lunchboxes
we've gotten in,

the remains of the day

and the kids,
they're just having

such a good time
with these, you know.

Kids don't like
eating lunch at school,

but if they're got
aremains of the daylunchbox,

they're a whole lot happier.

Captioning made possible by
warner bros.

There's not much pleasure

But not much pain

'cause nothir ever happens

Zero ever happens

Bupkiss ever happens