Wagons East (1994) Movie Script

What the hell?

The stagecoach is coming!

No need to stop.

Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hands up!

Howdy.

This is the third time

this month.

You really should give

the depositors a chance...

To build up

their accounts.

Huh?

Good luck.

Hey. I've got a job.

What'll it be?

I would really

love a gin and tonic--

slice of lime,

cracked ice.

Whiskey.

Okay, belle.

Okay. All right.

Get out! Get out!

Lemme give you an I.O.U.

I am done working

for I.O.U.S,

and I'm done

working for rocks!

Here...

Here's a refund.

Ohhh...

Zeke.

Why,

Harry Bob Ferguson!

Ahh!

What a terrific

surprise.

I must confess,

I've never

considered you to be...

The reader type-- per se.

I need

a big damn book.

A big damn book. Super.

We certainly have a few.

But if I might, have you

been more in the market...

For a coffee table,

impress-your-guests thing,

or are you leaning towards

a flip-right-through-it-

before-bed number?

Like a chocolate?

Oh. Not another word.

I'd like to recommend

one of my very favorite

authors to you--

woman named Jane Austen.

This is a writer

of just wonderfully

exquisite prose.

And as you see,

it's a big damn book.

Ha ha ha!

Oh,pride and prejudice.

You're going to get more

than a run for your money.

How much?

Well, I think $2.00

is a fair price.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

How much for

just the pride?

Well, actually,

one does hate

to break up the set.

All right.

I got to test it first.

I beg your pardon?

Aah!

Where is

your outhouse?

It's in back.

What'll it be?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm a mess.

What did you

have in mind?

Whiskey.

What a surprise.

This here's

the Ferguson place.

Let me help you

down here, ma'am.

Watch your step.

Aah!

Son of a bitch!

Arggh!

Are you sure about this?

Quite sure.

Well... good-bye.

And good luck.

Good-bye.

Hyah!

- Aaah!

- Ohh!

- Ooh!

- Two!

- Whoo!

- Excuse me!

Excuse me.

Hello.

Ooh.

- Hello.

- Huh?

Oooh!

Hello.

My name

is Lindsey thurlow.

Huh?

The mail-order bride.

Huh huh.

Which one of you

is the groom?

None of US could afford

a bride on his own,

so we all just sort of...

Pitched in.

This is completely

unacceptable.

My contract was signed

by a, uh...

Mr. Clayton Ferguson.

He's in the barn.

Thank god.

Ohh! Thank god!

Millie, come back,

darlin'!

I was only jokin'!

Women!

They're always

arguing.

Huh huh huh...

Right.

What'll it be--

whiskey.

Hey, Ferguson.

Is it raining?

I thought

we was in drought.

Oh.

Oh, god.

You got a problem,

there, mister?

Uh, yeah.

These are my cows.

You see?

They say "Phil's cow,"

and, uh, hey, I'm Phil.

They were stolen from me

about two nights ago.

Ahh!

You must be mistaken.

I bought these cows

last year in...

Dodge.

Of course, you got

a problem with that,

we can settle it

right here.

That's life, huh?

I don't much like

being called a...

Cattle rustler.

I don't blame you.

Take 10 paces.

Say, I'd love to,

but I can't,

because you know what?

I'm antihandgun.

So, uh...

Let's see.

What do you say

we flip for them?

I said take 10 paces,

turn, and start shootin'.

Those are cows!

What am I, crazy?

What have I been thinkin'?

I'm a sheep rancher!

Ha ha ha!

Start walkin'!

1... 2...

3... 4...

What comes after 4?

4 1/2.

4 1/2... 5...

8, 9--

where the hell

did he go?

I can't face

another wounded teller

with a workman's comp claim!

He took the book

to the outhouse...

And used it

as toilet paper!

No more ious,

no more rocks!

What were

we thinking?

Why did we come out here?

Why don't we go back?

What?

Yeah, back east.

Back home.

Back. Come on.

- You're talkin' crazy.

- Am I?

We can't go east.

Why not?

Because.

because it's

against the code.

Exactly.

It's against the code.

What code?

You know what code.

The code of the west.

Oh, the code of the west.

The same code

that says, uh...

"The only good Indian

is a dead Indian."

And "die with your boots on."

Wait. I got another one--

"if someone steals

your horse, you hang 'em."

That's some code.

Quite a code.

Let's stay.

Admittedly not

an enlightened ideology.

But leaving would be

like giving up.

That's exactly what

it would be, Ben.

So let's just give up.

Let's get a wagon master

and go home.

Let's go east.

What do you say?

I say you're gutless,

yellow-bellied,

eastern sissies!

All you done

since you got here

is whine and complain!

Go back and leave the west

to the real men!

I could have the books

on the wagon really quickly,

and the cappuccino machine

travels like a dream.

Henrietta misses

her family back east.

I could take care

of my girls,

settle my ious--

wait!

We need a sign.

Sign?

From the lord.

Actually, a sign

would be terrific.

Oh! Oh, that's right.

Hey, Zeke, come on.

Really, there's your sign.

When was the last time

it rained here, huh?

That's not a sign.

It's just rain.

Zeke,

that is a major sign.

It's just the wind, Phil.

Tough room, Phil.

Ooh!

Oh, dear.

- That...

- That's a sign.

What?

- Ohh!

- Who's he?

Who in the--

stranger?

Smells like whiskey.

Well, he's certainly come

to the right place.

I don't recognize him.

Easy, slick!

You ain't a customer yet!

Hands off!

"James h. Harlow."

"Wagon master."

Sure you're not hungry?

I don't eat meat...

When I'm drinkin'.

Ha ha ha!

Look, I know he looks

a little unsteady,

but there's

something about him--

something in his eyes.

Those are blood vessels.

The man's a drunk.

It could be pinkeye.

There's a lot going around.

Listen, could you go

through that route again

for US, huh?

Follow me.

Gentlemen...

This is the southwest

territories.

We're going to start here.

Here's chimney rock.

Over here's

devil's gate.

No, no, no.

This is--

aah! Aah!

Platte river.

Now I know

where I am.

Can't you just

use a map?

I don't use maps,

Earl.

Ben!

Ben.

Got it all up here...

Where it counts!

Mmm.

That's what

I'm afraid of.

Can we go, Phil?

Hold on. Let me

get this straight.

This Dutch oven's

our first campsite.

Right. Right next to

the Pawnee nation.

No, that can't be

the Pawnee nation.

They're not that unified.

Pawnee'd be more like

this here muffin tin.

We cannot

entrust the lives...

Of our families

and friends to this...

Drunken lunatic!

With all due respect.

Respect... taken.

Oh, mister...

I don't blame you

for doubtin' my abilities.

You'd be a fool

not to.

Been a drunk for

the last 20 years.

But I know this land!

I just need a chance.

It ain't about

the money,

I'll leave that

to you.

But you folks...

You need

a wagon master,

and, well...

I'd like it

to be me.

- Well, I guess you're

our man, Harlow.

- What?

Thank you, Jerry.

Well, actually, it's...

It's, uh, Phil.

You won't be sorry.

Oh, my!

Ladies.

We leave at dawn.

Noonish.

Hey, there--

there he is!

- Hey, that looks like

a wagon master to me.

- Whoa!

- People ready, Mr. Taylor?

- Yes, sir!

All right.

Mount your wagons!

Wagons, ho!

Go on! Go on!

Wagon master.

Yoo-hoo!

When I say "wagons, ho,"

that's the signal

that y'all pull out

and follow me.

You're going

the wrong way.

Ben, we never told him

where we were going.

Is this some

guessing game?

No, no, no, no.

We're, uh...

Going, uh, east.

- East?

- Do you have a problem

with that?

I don't know.

Don't seem right.

I've always gone west.

Well, we're going east.

Do you want the job

or not?

Wagons...

East!

Come on!

Bye, Julian!

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

If I could have your attention

for a moment, please.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Now, as you know,

the success of our

transcontinental railroad...

Depends upon the success

of the land rush...

Scheduled

for the 4th of July.

President Grant

has made it clear,

if the population isn't

built up in the west,

we don't get any more money

to subsidize our railroad.

Tom, let's hear your report.

People are camped

on top of each other.

To use their terms,

"they're chompin' at the bit

and rarin' to git..."

Ha ha!

As soon as they receive

the go-ahead July 4th.

Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait. Mmm!

Before we count

our chickens,

listen to this telegram

from a couple agents

out west.

"Have learned

of a wagon train

planning to head east.

"Repeat-- east.

"Five wagons in all.

Possible trend?

Stop--

please advise."

Now, gentlemen,

I submit to you,

there goes the west.

Ha ha ha!

I just hope

it's not too late...

To give

Washington back

the $100 million.

Quiet!

Let me see that.

Will you take

that off, already?

I can't believe

my own father's a quitter.

Stop saying that.

Just because a man

decides to quit...

Doesn't make him a--

you know.

Well, I guess

it does, doesn't it?

All right, then,

I'm a quitter.

But there's no

shame in quitting.

This country was

founded by quitters--

English quitters,

French quitters,

German quitters.

For your information,

if not for quitters,

no one would

start anything.

And buckle up.

Howdy, Phil.

How you doin', Zeke?

- What's that wagon master

fella's name again?

- You mean Harlow.

Yep. Been gnawin' at me

since I set eyes on him.

You don't forget

somebody like that.

Why?

What did he do?

That's the only part

I can't remember.

- Something really good...

- Yeah?

- Or really bad.

- Oh.

You must remember

something.

It'll come to me.

You can be sure of it.

Maybe not.

Howdy, ma'am.

I didn't properly

introduce myself.

The name's Harlow.

I'll be

your wagon master.

I'd say

the jury's still out.

Pretty quick

to judge a man, aren't you?

In my line of work,

it takes no time at all.

I'd like to prove you

wrong one day, ma'am.

Oh!

my doll!

Excuse me, ma'am. Ho!

Yes!

Ohh!

- Ohh!

- Oh...

Ma'am.

Come on!

Yah!

Move it out!

Come on!

How many wagons

did we start with, Phil?

Five. Why?

Did we lose one?

Nope.

Gained a couple.

Shoot, we're turning

into a movement.

How do you like that?

I don't like

it one bit.

Fix this.

Not now,

you nincompoop.

Uh, j.P...

You know, they have

just picked up...

A few stragglers--

one or two wagons.

They're clearing out

the deadwood for US.

Deadwood. Yes.

I'd like to clear out

some deadwood from

around here.

You're dismissed, smedly.

Dismissed--

dismissed, sir?

Wait, sir.

I-I've been with

the company 20 years.

Not fired,

you sniveling idiot.

Dismissed!

Now, get out!

Oh, yes, of course.

- Wait a minute.

- Yes, sir.

Take a letter.

I'm just going to

use your pen.

No, you're not.

No, I'm not.

Go ahead.

I'll remember.

Address it to

Mr. John Slade...

Somewhere on

the high plains.

John Slade... the high plains.

Dear Mr. Slade...

John Slade, high plains,

Mr. Slade.

Something of great

importance requires your

immediate attention.

...immediate attention.

Dear Mr. John...

Whoa, whoa!

Easy, Mr. Slade, easy.

Pony express.

I got a telegraph

for you.

If I could get you

to sign right here.

Unusual signature

you have there.

Two more stops,

and I'm done for the day.

Which way is abilene?

That way.

Okay. And, uh,

what about Denver?

Ooh!

Dead ahead.

It's been two hours,

for god's sake.

Ben, there's a fork

in the road.

This is a very

important decision.

The man's got to use

all his instincts,

get the lay

of the land,

the angle

of the sun,

the position

of the moon.

Which way are we--

Uhh!

Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.

So which way

do we go, huh?

That way.

You sure?

I know which way

we're going.

Wagons...

Ho!

Hyah!

That's enough,

already.

"I know which way

we're going."

It was his first mistake.

It was his first

decision.

Hope there aren't

any more forks

in the road.

Hope there ain't

no more forks

in the road.

That's the last time

I listen to you.

Told you

to wake me up.

Are you all right,

miss?

Oh. Yes, I'm fine.

No, you're not.

You're crying.

It's the fergusons.

They're driving me mad.

I've been

staving off their advances

since we left prosperity.

Well, you don't

have to stay with them.

You could ride with me.

Thank you.

I couldn't, though!

You don't

owe them anything.

Yes, I do.

My family accepted

money from them...

In exchange

for my hand.

Ha ha ha!

We've got a contract.

Well, that's

just not fair.

Oh, boy!

oh, my gosh!

Whoa!

Whoo whoo whoo!

What in the hell

are they doing

over there, anyway?

Oh! Well, they're

lighting their farts afire.

What else?

You got one, Harry?

Whooo!

ehh!

Ha ha!

Halt! Who goes there?

Just wanted

a cup of coffee.

I ain't never seen

you before.

I'm the new guy.

Oh. Sure!

The new guy!

Ha ha ha!

Ahh.

Vultures!

Someone's gonna die!

Honey!

Where the hell's

the river, Harlow?

- We're almost there.

- You've said that

two days ago.

It was

a day and a half.

My wife's

dying of thirst.

Oh, no. I'm fine.

Look there.

Two sisters.

What?

Two sisters.

Sweetwater's on the other side.

- Water!

- Yes!

Oh!

Yeeha!

Hyah!

Come on, everybody!

Come on!

Oh, no.

Sweetwater, huh?

What the heck

is this?

This ought to be good.

Yeah.

River must have

changed course.

I guess a lot of things

change in 20 years.

- We trusted you.

- I never trusted him.

- We should string him up.

- I get his boots!

Go find a tree,

junior.

I found the tree

last time.

- There ain't trees here.

- I say we Bury him alive.

Go find a shovel.

Give me that.

Do something.

Run, Harlow!

Come back here, now.

- Whoa!

- No!

Oh!

Water!

Look at that!

- Water!

- How deep is it?

Deep!

There's a sand bar

over here.

Yeeow!

Oh, dear.

Let's go!

Keep it moving!

Come on, now!

Wagons, ho!

Honey, please keep

two hands on the reins.

Stop telling me

how to drive!

- Move!

- Yeeah!

That's it, belle!

- Aah!

- Ha ha ha!

Come on! Come on!

Now, you shut up!

I ain't asked you

no questions.

Ow!

You stop!

Wait for me!

I'm gonna get you!

We're almost there.

I don't believe this!

What are you

looking at?

Come on, now!

You people are crazy.

Whoa!

Crazy? What do

you mean, crazy?

Because we risked our lives

crossing a river...

Instead of staying

on the other side?

Because we have faith

in ourselves?

Because we believe in

a wagon master...

Who gave US the confidence

to do things we never

thought we could?

No. Because most people

use the bridge.

"If river crossing

any indication,

"see little reason

to worry. Stop.

"Party seems certain

to self-destruct. Stop.

"Will proceed with plan,

however. Stop. Slade."

Little reason

to worry. Ha!

Ha!

It's not his money,

is it?

No, sir.

I want those

defectors eliminated.

If Mr. Bad-man Slade

can't do it,

- I'll find

someone who can!

- Yes, sir.

I'm going

down to Washington

to do some lobbying.

I want that

wagons east movement...

Monitored very closely

in my absence.

Yes, sir!

Well, how do I look?

Fat, sir.

Rich! Rich, sir!

Fat-- fat with money.

Jeremiah's on my side!

You kids

cut it out now!

Jeremiah started it.

"Jeremiah started it"!

Stop it!

Hey! Come on!

Why'd he have to

come along anyway?

- Because he's your brother.

- Are you sure?

I'll have your mother

turn this wagon around

right now!

Are we there yet?

I am warning you two.

Dad...

What is it, prudence?

I have to go

to the bathroom.

Why didn't you go

at dead horse bend?

I didn't

have to go then.

Can you hold it till

the devil's skillet?

No!

Whoa!

Turn around!

Wagons, ho!

Buckle up.

Hyah!

Pa?

I think

I should have...

Gotten off

back there, too.

Mm-hmm.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, thanks.

You got a problem, kid?

No! No problem

at all.

Thanks.

The map can't be wrong.

This ain't the way

to St. Louis.

He knows the way, Ben.

The river wasn't where

you thought it would be.

Phil.

Well, Harlow, you don't

put much stock in maps,

but I think we should trust

the United States army.

Why?

maybe it's considered

more reliable...

Than a stack of skillets

and muffin pans.

He got US across

the river, didn't he?

That's right.

The river-- let's talk

about that decision.

We should

have strung you up

back at the river.

Fine!

You people don't listen

to nothing anyway!

- You're just like the--

- who?

Who, James?

never mind.

Yeah! Never mind!

Never mind yourself.

Never mind you.

Never mind you!

no! Never mind you!

I don't care!

Wait! Wait!

what?

Now I remember.

What?

Harlow. James Harlow.

We know his name.

He did something

really, really bad,

like one of those horrible

acts against nature...

That are just seared

into your brain.

What was it?

I wish I could

remember!

- Zeke!

- But I bet it's

eating away at him,

sapping his confidence,

clouding his judgment.

I thought it might

be a good idea...

If we took a break

from the pressures

of the trail,

if we shared

our feelings as men

with other men...

In the hopes that if

we got this old business

off our chests,

it might make

our journey easier.

Phil, what the hell

are you talking about?

Just share something

personal with the group.

You know,

some defining moment

from your past--

a joyous memory,

a broken dream.

Who'd like to

go first? Harlow?

Why don't you

start first, Phil?

This is your meeting.

Yeah, it's

your meeting,

Phil.

I guess I could

start US off.

I bet a lot of you guys

don't know that back

in St. Louis,

I used to be a surgeon.

I used to work

in a field hospital

during the war.

It was a nightmare.

We'd work day and night.

We'd never sleep.

We would eat

while we operated.

Once, there was this young

soldier I was trying to save.

He took a cannonball

to the stomach.

Ha ha ha!

It was a mess.

You can imagine.

After 18 hours

of surgery, I did it.

Of course you did!

I never felt

better in my life,

- until, just like that,

the patient dies.

- Oh, Phil.

I left a Bologna sandwich

in his lung.

Ha ha ha!

That's enough!

Well, put a shake

in my hand...

And made it impossible

to use a scalpel.

- I've got a better story.

- Go, Clayton!

Well, go right ahead,

Clayton.

I don't know

if any of you fellas...

Remember what

it was like to be 13.

You know-- the springtime

of your life...

When the grass is greener,

the skies are bluer.

You couldn't stop pulling

the wings off butterflies.

Just about every time

you got within

100 feet of a female,

put a little pup tent

in your britches.

One day, I'm doing some

chores for old lady Connors.

That old hag.

There she is,

napping on her bed

with her teeth in a glass...

And her mouth

kind of slung open.

I figure, what the heck.

It's a free country.

- Clayton, you can finish

the story the next time.

- This is the best part.

Mary's husband disappeared

for two hours last night.

I saw her wagon rocking

the other night.

Do you think

it was she

or the husband?

Oh, please,

that woman--

Ladies, listen...

As long as we're all going

to be on this trip together,

I think it's time we get

some things out in the open.

Now, I've heard

the gossiping...

And the whispering,

and if there's something

you want to say,

why don't you say it

to my face?

What's it like?

How much money

did you make?

How do you

stay awake?

- You don't actually

blow, do you?

- Blow what?

Constance!

Ladies! Ladies!

Oh, well, I'll tell you

anything you want.

Uh, yeah.

You, henrietta.

Uh... my husband told me...

That the largest penis

ever recorded was 4 1/2 inches.

Is that true?

So, Harlow,

you sure there's nothing

you'd like to share

with the group?

About what?

Phil, I got one!

About these dogs

that were stuck--

Harry Bob,

terrific.

Look here, Harry Bob.

When I was 10 years old,

I killed my best friend

Tommy hanley.

The folks thought he died

falling out a tree.

The fact of the matter is,

I beat him with a club

then drug him in the woods

so's it'd look that way.

Ha ha ha!

I have no idea

why I done it.

Ha ha ha!

Thank you, doctor.

I feel better already.

We knowed it was you.

No, you did not,

neither.

Yeah, we did.

We knew.

No, you did not!

Actually, it's very Santa fe,

with the conflicting

earth tones

and the primitive motif.

But the whole thing's

busy for me.

How about you, Zeke?

What does it mean,

Harlow?

It's sort of

a signpost,

a message to US

from the sioux.

The message is,

uh, what?

Well, it means if you can

read this message,

you've come too far.

I can't read.

Where have you

led US?

Oh, shut up, Ben.

Really!

Harlow's instincts

were right. Following that

stupid map led US here.

- Where is here?

- Indian country.

- What?

- Indian country!

Oh, great.

Just what we need.

Oh!

You got to

believe in him.

Quiet down.

Quiet down!

I said quiet--

The man said

quiet down!

- What the hell

was you thinking?

- I'm sorry.

All right.

If we're going to survive

in Indian country,

we're going to start

thinking like Indians.

First, we'll walk barefoot,

just like the Indians.

I thought Indians

wore moccasins.

Well, Ben, we don't have

any moccasins.

Excuse me,

gents.

I actually

brought a pair

for summer wear.

I really think

they'd just be perfect.

Julian will wear moccasins,

and the rest of US

will go barefoot.

Next we'll wrap

all the metal riggings...

On our horses and wagons--

anything that rattles in cloth

to muffle the sound.

We'll travel by night

and hide out by day.

We'll make camp in an arroyo

so we're hidden from view.

No campfires.

We'll sleep on the ground,

just like the Indians.

I'm up. I'm up.

What is it?

Ahh.

Uh-oh.

Uh... excuse me.

Good morning!

Uh, you speakum English?

You've gotten US

in enough trouble.

I'll handle this.

You want to shave

a buffalo butt...

And dance naked

with a beaver?

You speak English.

That's great.

We want to travel east...

To the land

of the rising sun.

Skip the euphemisms.

I know which way east is.

What did I do?

Ha ha ha!

I'd like you

to keep it...

As a gift

from me to you

for your help.

Wow! A Colt .45!

Whoa!

Aah!

Hyah! Head up!

head up!

Damn! Oh!

Ow!

Ah-ah-aah!

Son of a bitch!

Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo!

"More steam."

"I thought I'd tell you.

We ain't got no more fuel.

We run out of coal

two hours ago."

"You what?"

"I was afraid of what

you'd do to me."

"That's all right.

We'll demolish this church

and burn the wood."

"No, please.

Whatever you do,

don't harm my church."

"Shut up, preacher,

or I'll set your hat on fire.

Ha ha ha!"

uh, sir.

I told you

never to disturb me

at this hour!

I am so sorry.

We've been getting

some reports that some

of the homesteaders...

Are having second thoughts

about the land rush.

Apparently the word

about the wagon train

is spreading.

What about

that wagon train, sir?

Slade has not been

very effective.

Fortunately,

I have a backup plan.

Ahh!

And they should be

just about there.

So what brought you

out west, Julian?

Oh, the men.

I just heard it was

chock-full of them.

The men?

Oh, yeah. I get it.

I guess men read more books

than women, right?

Y-Yes.

Here you go,

Millie, darlin'.

Ah, that's great.

Thanks.

Hell.

Look at you, Julian.

What did you see,

a mermaid?

Cold water usually does

the opposite to me.

Harlow, you've been

so good to me.

Just doing

my job, ma'am.

Listen...

I was thinking.

Maybe you'd like to come

to my wagon tonight,

and we can talk...

Or something.

Ma'am, i--

i'd--

did I say

something wrong?

No. No, ma'am.

You didn't say anything wrong.

It's just that--

well, you see--

fact is, I don't get paid

till St. Louis.

As much as I'd like to,

I just can't right now.

But I will when I can...

When I have

what I don't have now.

What?

Well, I didn't mean--

as if I'd consider it,

you-- you...

You gimpy old drunk!

Ma'am?

Ohh!

Hmph!

Hyah! Hyah!

Mount up!

Wagons, ho!

No, wait.

I'm Harlow.

You were Harlow

last time.

Hey, you know

something?

Whatever we are

to the world,

we're heroes to them.

You can be Phil.

No way!

I'd rather be

Harry Bob than Phil.

Want to be

Harry Bob then?

okay.

Let's go! Come on!

Belle.

Harlow.

I'd just like to apologize

for the other day.

I don't know why--

oh, no. No. No.

Harlow, it's me

that should apologize.

I had no cause

to get righteous.

It's what I've done

for the past five years.

We've all done things

we're not proud of.

At least

I know I have.

I'd just like

to say that, uh...

No, no, no.

Harlow, it's okay.

Ma'am, I would

like to say it...

Because you

deserve it, ma'am.

I'd like to say

that I don't

think of you...

As just a whore.

Oh, Harlow.

That's so sweet.

Thank you, ma'am.

Good evening to you.

Ahh.

Oh! Oh!

Constance? Phil?

I finally figured out

where I knowed him from!

Wait, I want to hear.

Hi, constance.

Hi. Ohh...

This better be good.

I met him

back in '46.

He was wagon master

for a certain party

going to California.

- What party?

- Damn if I can remember.

Zeke, you're killing me.

I keep thinking

of reindeer.

Reindeer? You mean,

like dancer and prancer?

Nope.

Name some more.

Uh...

Donner and blitzen.

That's it!

The blitzen party.

The donner party?

Oh, yeah. That's it.

The worst wagon train

disaster in history,

where all those people

froze to death

in the sierras?

And those

that survived...

Let's just say

they had their friends

for dinner.

I hired

the wagon master...

From the donner party.

Huh!

If he survived,

do you suppose

he ate--

Zeke! Ben!

I knew it when he said

he didn't eat meat.

Look. Those were

very extreme conditions.

Who knows how any one of US

would have survived...

All that snow, right?

Right.

Let's keep this

amongst ourselves.

There's no sense

in alarming the others.

I'm alarmed.

There's nothing

to worry about.

Unless it snows.

For Christ's sake, Zeke.

It's June!

Shh!

Uh! Ohh!

Ohh!

Oh, my.

Looks like Christmas

came a little early

this year, Phil.

Jesus!

Must be a...

Must be

a freak storm, huh?

Hey.

Hey, Zeke.

I know

what you're thinking.

Stop it! It's crazy!

I can't--

I can't believe it!

I can't believe--

uh! Uh!

It's--

it's snowing!

We're marooned!

Ben, you're overreacting.

Hey, where's he going?

How do I know?

Maybe to shoot a little game.

Oh, my god!

There's no reason

to get crazy.

Harlow's our friend.

They were

all friends

at donner pass.

Oh, my go--

uh! Get a doctor!

Iam a doctor.

Mmm.

Come and get it!

come and get it! Food!

Food!

Get out of my way!

The meat will be ready

in one minute.

- Where did you get this?

- Harlow!

- Oh, how nice.

- - Me and my brother got dibs on the rump.

- Where is he?

- - I haven't seen Clayton today, actually.

I'm so hungry!

Oh, my go--

don't eat that!

Hmm?

- I'm sorry, Clayton.

- You're sorry?

Whoever stole my Millie's

going to be really sorry.

Oh, Millie. Super.

- Ha!

- this is a very good feast.

Hey, give me some.

Thanks.

Here we go, zekey.

Git!

Heh heh heh!

Bring it up now!

Heh heh heh!

Eh... eh...

What?

Ugh!

Heh heh heh!

Eek!

Uh! Uh!

Hmm!

Aah!

Ooh! Uh!

Oh!

Aah! Ooh!

Ah! Oh!

Git up! Hyah!

Git up!

Whoa!

whoa!

Mister,

you look like you been

blowed from a Cannon...

And landed

on a barrel cactus.

The name's Slade.

John Slade.

Harlow.

James Harlow.

Slade.

That name sounds

real familiar.

Let's not start

that again, Zeke,

huh?

Oh!

Ow!

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8,

9, 10, 11, 12.

Aha. Hmm!

Hey.

Hmm!

Oh!

Bastard!

Could be.

Don't know

if my ma and pa were married.

Killed my pa

before I could ask.

Mr. Slade.

Uh... hi.

Phil Taylor.

Uh...

Pioneer.

Listen. Boy...

How did we come

to this, huh?

You're counting

your bullets,

and we're, uh,

saying our prayers.

This happened

so fast, you know?

Whew! I mean,

what if you, uh...

You took a moment

for yourself,

you know,

like a time-out,

if you will?

Think about

maybe saying,

"hey, I don't want

to plug these guys

in the back of the head."

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

I like you, Phil.

I like you,

too, Slade.

Tell you what...

I'm going to

shoot you first...

And save you

all that, uh...

Painful anticipating.

- Pa!

- okay, stud.

Ease the hammer back

nice and slow...

And give me the weapon.

Julian.

That Julian?

Name's Slade.

Oh, super.

Spell it out for me

so I can get it right

on your tombstone.

Oh!

Your move, sissy boy.

Sissy boy? Oh, please.

That is so dodge city.

You're gonna die slow...

Real slow.

All right.

What was that?

- The warning shot.

- Warning shot.

You think

a warning shot's

going to scare me?

It's lodged

about 6 inches

in your tummy.

Hmm?

Wow!

You're good.

I know.

I hear that

all the time.

Listen, pumpkin,

you've got to get yourself

some medical attention.

Gunshots have

a tendency to fester.

And I'm really sorry

we had to meet this way.

Eh...

Son of a gun!

Happy Valentine's day.

Yeah!

Hyah!

Slice, slice, slice...

And lift.

Hyah! Hyah!

Whoa!

Ho, there!

Hup!

Shit!

Everybody is going on about

this wagons east movement.

There's rumors

of crop failure and cholera,

rustlers and Indians.

They're teetering

on the edge.

We might lose 'em.

I'll talk to them.

I tried.

They just won't listen.

Now with Slade dead

and your backup--

whatever happened

to your backup plan?

Who the hell knows?

They're probably dead drunk

in some cow town.

No more amateurs.

I'm calling in the cavalry.

Great, great!

Who would

that be, sir?

A group of men

on horseback...

Who wear blue uniforms

and yellow scarves

and sabers and guns.

Don't you know

who the United States

cavalry is?

I thought you were

using a figure

of speech,

which, of course,

you're not.

Hyah! Hyah!

Hey, it's big snake!

Oh.

Big snake,

what'd you see?

Over here.

Well?

Bad news.

Big trouble.

Let's keep that

to ourselves.

- So what's news?

- Cavalry's coming.

They come

to stop you.

Come to stop US?

That's ridiculous.

My hunch is this--

that land rush coming up

on the 4th of July...

They don't want US

spoiling their fireworks.

But we're so close

to... St. Louis.

All the more reason

not to chance it.

All right.

Listen. Listen.

I say we move on.

Who's wagon master here?

We hired you.

We can overrule you.

I'm telling ya, I've got

a bad feeling about this.

Like when you led

the donner party?

The donner party?

hello.

I don't get it.

Who are the donners?

Harlow was

the wagon master

for the donner party...

Before he became

a vegetarian.

Weren't you, Harlow?

- Am I right, Phil?

- thanks, Ben.

It's a little unfair.

You can't condemn a man

based on Zeke's memory.

- What memory?

- Tell them it ain't so,

Harlow.

Yeah, tell him.

Tell him.

Ohh.

Harlow!

Harlow, what's wrong?

Where you going?

Harlow!

It was so stupid.

You scared everybody.

That is enough! Shh!

The cavalry.

It's the cavalry.

Oh...

I go first. These are

lieutenant bars, mister.

What do they want?

what did we do?

- Hi, lieutenant.

- Yeah. Hello.

As of 0800 this morning,

this assembly has been

officially classified...

As a federal insur--

rection.

I have orders from

general William h. Larchmont...

To instruct you

to either turn back

or face the consequences.

What exactly are

the consequences?

Your standard

u.S. Cavalry massacre.

He can explain.

You have 24 hours

to decide.

- Is that 24 hours

from right now?

- Uh, yeah.

- What time do you have?

- 2:25.

- Well, then, 2:25 it is.

Uh, have a nice day.

Nice seeing you again.

Let's move out!

Oh, great.

Nobody's listening.

We'll get killed.

Damn. I should

have said 2:30.

Oh, what's the difference?

At least

they gave US 24.

Ow!

Ooh!

It's my brother.

He's been shot.

My leg!

My poor little brother.

Oh, god!

My poor little brother.

What happened, Clayton?

He was biting off

a chaw of tobacco when...

- Yeah?

- I shot him.

Excuse me?

- It was my tobacco.

- That's a good reason.

Anybody here know

how to remove a bullet?

Honey?

- Phil?

- I can't pick up a scalpel.

- How bad is it?

- Only a flesh wound.

Oh.

Aren't you going to

help Mr. Ferguson,

daddy?

- Come on. Move him.

- Easy.

Bring him over

into my wagon.

We'll need hot water

and plenty of towels.

I was just dropping--

You done shot me!

Aah!

what are you doing, doc?

- Scalpel.

- Scalpel. Mm-hmm.

Here you are.

Aah!

Scissors.

Aah!

woo!

What's the matter

with you?

I did it.

I got in there,

and I forgot

about all my fears.

It was like old times.

The knife became

an extension of my hand.

The blood, the tissue--

none of it bothered me.

Dr. Taylor,

I'm proud of you.

Oh. Oh.

Uh,

so my brother,

he can walk

again?

Oh, uh...

About that, Clay,

you know,

these flesh wounds

can be pretty tricky.

There are

complications and--

you had to amputate?

No, no, no,

no, no, no.

The leg is, uh, fine.

A little stiff.

Now, that's

to be expected.

Well, you know,

actually, Clay, uh...

The leg is not

the only part that's stiff.

Actually, his whole body

is kind of, uh--

well, he's, uh...

He's, uh...

He's dead.

But he, uh,

he wanted you

to have this, huh?

Oh! My tobacco!

Thanks, doc.

Uh... oh...

Harlow!

Harlow... uh!

Sorry, sir.

You were delirious.

You want to

slap me back?

You're more

than welcome to.

Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

I was dreaming.

Yes, you were.

Did I say anything?

Well, you, uh,

mentioned Harlow.

Harlow!

You two have some sort

of history together?

No!

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, we do.

It was about 20 years ago...

When Harlow

led the donner party,

and I, rightfully so,

appropriated many

of his horses...

And most of his supplies

for my raid on the Mexicans.

While his pathetic attempts

at rescue failed, of course,

I rode on to glory

and became a colonel.

They others froze

and ate each other.

Oh, gee!

Luck of the draw,

lieutenant.

Just the luck

of the draw.

Ooh!

But this is just

the kind of thing...

That the press blows

way out of proportion,

especially in light

of a presidential campaign.

It's--

it's official, sir?

Yes, lieutenant.

It's official.

Damn that Harlow.

Thought he drank himself

into oblivion years ago.

But no matter.

I'll take care

of him tomorrow.

The secret dies

with him.

No one else knows.

Except for me.

Who told you?

You did, sir.

Very observant,

lieutenant.

Very observant.

But now I think

you have two choices--

use your head and accept

a plum position

in my cabinet...

Or search for your brains

by the light of a candle.

Good night,

Mr. President.

Good night,

Mr. Secretary.

Are the men in bed?

Well, they were, sir.

I don't know about now.

Good. All right,

lieutenant.

Tuck you in, huh?

Yes, sir.

I think a bedtime story

would be in order.

All right, sir. Just one.

It's very late, sir.

Do you want to hear

Indian Joe meets

the talking rock?

Well, the colonel's favorite

isthe lone pony

on the high plains.

All right.

Lone pony, it is.

Hit me.

Dang. This boy

can drink.

I need a few more

customers like him.

Say, dusty, you hear

about that wagon train

heading this way?

Yeah. A bunch of whores,

degenerates, and murderers.

There's talk about them

massacring settlers

along the trail--

pillaging and raping

like it's nobody's business.

They're letting Indians

sleep with their women.

Well, they're

going to get theirs.

There's a rumor that

the seventh cavalry's going

to wipe them out.

They're sending in

their crackerjack

general larchmont...

To make sure

the job's done.

Let's have one

for the seventh cavalry!

To the good general!

How am I doing?

Well, they're still

behind you.

You know the last time

I was on a horse?

At the carrousel

in St. Louis.

And I was thrown.

The cavalry.

Oh, my god.

Whoa!

Circle the wagons!

Git!

Phil, I got an idea!

Keep those wagons around!

Hyah!

Phil, you know how white guys

always circle in their wagons?

Makes it easier

for the cavalry

to go around.

Why don't you

square the wagons?

The cavalry would

have to go in wide circles.

Square the wagons!

Square the wagons,

whities!

Square the wagons?

I don't get it!

Billy!

Miss Lindsey,

get back.

I got it!

So this is what

it looks like in here?

How do they walk

in these things?

Big snake!

What are you doing?

It's filthy.

I'm hiding behind it.

Get over there.

What do you think

you're doing with that?

Thank you.

All right!

Everybody stay down!

Stay down!

wait for my command to fire!

And remember...

No matter what happens,

no one but no one can take away

what this trip has meant to US.

I did it, honey.

I got in there

and forgot my fears.

Dr. Taylor, I am

very proud of you.

I didn't properly

introduce myself.

The name's Harlow.

I'll be

your wagon master.

Julian, would you mind

scrubbing my back?

Since that bronc threw me,

I can't reach it.

All right,

lieutenant!

Let's sound the attack!

I want my big horn.

Sir, are you sure

we really need

the big horn?

Of course, you idiot!

It instills fear in the enemy

and saps their strength...

And turns their bowels

to jelly.

Where's my big horn?

Souza!

Yes, sir!

Sound the charge.

Let's kill some people!

- To glory!

- Charge!

Charge!

Damn it.

Honey, is that manual

under the seat?

Go get them,

dad.

They've squared

the wagons!

They've what?

They're not

shooting, lieutenant.

Why aren't they shooting?

Sir, these people

aren't renegades.

They're just settlers.

Fool. That's what

they want you to think.

Ho!

They're women and children.

They're settlers.

I ain't shooting.

- Is that Mr. Harlow?

- Where?

It's Harlow!

Harlow.

Let's go.

Hyah! Come on!

Hyah!

All right!

Hope I'm not

too late to join

your little party.

Let's forget about

the settlers and shoot him.

Fire when ready.

Easy, boys.

You may get me,

but I'm going to take

your fearless leader

with me.

What should

we do, sir?

Do? Uh... uh...

Taylor! Smith!

Have your men form

a human shield around me.

General, sir,

I'm calling you out.

I've handled tougher men

than you, Harlow.

Lieutenant, shoot him.

I'd like to, sir,

but I'm afraid

my hands are tied.

He's called you out

in front of the men.

It's a, you know,

western thing.

A western thing,

you say?

General, sir,

I'd like to help you

with your dismount.

Why, thank you, son.

You pack

a pretty fair punch

there, Harlow.

Knock one for me!

Go, Harlow!

Yeah, that's right!

You heard me!

Fix his wagon,

Harlow.

- Aah!

Good jab.

Back down on the ground.

Keep your hands up.

How long

do these things

usually last?

How would I know?

I'm getting

kind of hungry.

Can I go play?

Sure, sweetheart.

You're losing him,

Harlow!

Where are you going?

Good. Stay down.

Whoops.

Aah!

Would you like

a vanilla wafer?

Here you go.

- I got it!

- Yes!

Harder!

Push hard!

Huh?

Okay.

Get up!

Yay!

Over here.

Okay, honey!

Let's go have

some pie!

Harlow!

Yeah!

James aloysius Harlow!

I knew you'd do it,

buddy!

You have a seat,

you big hero.

Today, we open the bounties

of our glorious land

to the common man!

So look to the west,

for therein lies

your future!

Wha--?

Where the humble wagon...

- What is it?

- Looks like a wagon train.

But they're heading east.

They're going

the wrong way!

That look good?

My hair look white

to you, son?

Come see me

when you've got

some mink.

If I get my hands

on that kid

that scalped me...

Look at this, dad!

Jeremiah,

put that away!

Showed initiative.

He'll make a fine

officer one day.

I'm proud

to be scalped

by a boy like that.

Listen to me!

Pay no heed

to those fools!

They're dunderheads!

They're going the wrong way!

You've got

to listen to me!

Land for the taking!

Your time is now!

Land rushers,

get ready!

Not now!

About time. Ah, well.

Smedly!

Aah!

Oh, yeah!

Ha ha ha!

Should we tell them?

Nah. They wouldn't

listen anyway.

But who knows?

Maybe it'll

work out for them.

Ha ha ha!

Wagons east!

Harlow.

Evening, gentlemen.

Evening.

I'd like

to thank you both...

For, uh, well,

for believing in me.

We never doubted you

for a second, Harlow.

Not once?

- Honestly?

- Yeah.

- Oh, the river crossing.

- Yeah.

And the fork

in the road.

Oh, yeah.

The Indian camp.

Uh-huh.

And that whole thing--

I got to get going.

Come on. Please.

Without you, we wouldn't

even be here.

When I ride into

St. Louis tomorrow,

I'll be thinking

of James h. Harlow--

wagon master supreme.

We'll miss riding

with you, Harlow.

I appreciate that.

I truly do.

You know what?

I wouldn't mind

seeing you again.

I'd look forward

to that,

especially since

I haven't been paid yet.

We haven't--

let's wait

until St. Louis.

He could still

get lost.

Don't you wish

that, uh...

That this

would never end.

Yeah.

Mmm...

But, I guess it's--

yeah. I guess.

It's over. Yeah.

Unless...

Yeah?

Nah.

Unless?

No. I'd be wrong.

No, Harlow.

I think I know

what you're thinking,

and it definitely

wouldn't be wrong.

Really?

You mean...

Yes.

Yes!

That we could

go back and start

all over again?

No. Definitely wrong.

Or...

Or?

We can hook up

and go north

to Canada.

I hear

it's warm there

all year round.

Oh, Harlow!

Look. A shooting star.

Quick. Close your eyes

and make a wish.

Well, what

did you wish for?

If I tell you,

it won't come true.

Aah!

quick!

What was that?

Wow!

It's Clayton Ferguson.

Oh, my god!

Talk about

your bad luck.

What do you figure

the chances of that are?

Where are you

headed, Julian?

Well, you're gonna laugh.

I've been talking to

some people.

They think I may have given up

on the west too soon.

What could possibly

be out there for you?

San Francisco.

Come on!

So long, my friends!

Bye-bye!

Remember...

If you're ever

in my country again,

I'll have to kill you.

Ha ha ha!

I'm serious.

Wagons, ho!

Wagons East (1994) - full transcript