Wagons East (1994) - full transcript

In the 1860's Wild West, when a ragged bunch of misfit settlers decide they cannot stand living in their current situation, they hire a grizzled cowboy to take them on a journey back to their hometowns east.

What the hell?

The stagecoach is coming!

The stagecoach is coming!

No need to stop.

Hyah! Hyah!

Hands up!


This is the third time
this month.

You really should give
the depositors a chance...

To build up
their accounts.


Good luck.
Hey. I've got a job.

What'll it be?

I would really
love a gin and tonic--

slice of lime,
cracked ice.


Okay, belle.
Okay. All right.

Get out! Get out!

Lemme give you an I.O.U.

I am done working
for I.O.U.S,

and I'm done
working for rocks!

Here's a refund.



Harry Bob Ferguson!

What a terrific

I must confess,

I've never
considered you to be...

The reader type-- per se.

I need
a big damn book.

A big damn book. Super.
We certainly have a few.

But if I might, have you
been more in the market...

For a coffee table,
impress-your-guests thing,

or are you leaning towards
a flip-right-through-it-
before-bed number?

Like a chocolate?

Oh. Not another word.

I'd like to recommend
one of my very favorite
authors to you--

woman named Jane Austen.

This is a writer
of just wonderfully
exquisite prose.

And as you see,
it's a big damn book.

Ha ha ha!
Oh,pride and prejudice.

You're going to get more
than a run for your money.

How much?

Well, I think $2.00
is a fair price.


How much for
just the pride?

Well, actually,
one does hate
to break up the set.

All right.
I got to test it first.

I beg your pardon?

Where is
your outhouse?

It's in back.

What'll it be?

Oh, I don't know.
I'm a mess.

What did you
have in mind?

What a surprise.

This here's
the Ferguson place.

Let me help you
down here, ma'am.

Watch your step.


Son of a bitch!


Are you sure about this?

Quite sure.

Well... good-bye.

And good luck.



- Aaah!
- Ohh!

- Ooh!
- Two!

- Whoo!
- Excuse me!

Excuse me.

- Hello.
- Huh?



My name
is Lindsey thurlow.


The mail-order bride.
Huh huh.

Which one of you
is the groom?

None of US could afford
a bride on his own,

so we all just sort of...
Pitched in.

This is completely

My contract was signed
by a, uh...

Mr. Clayton Ferguson.

He's in the barn.

Thank god.
Ohh! Thank god!

Millie, come back,

I was only jokin'!


They're always

Huh huh huh...


What'll it be--

Hey, Ferguson.
Is it raining?

I thought
we was in drought.


Oh, god.

You got a problem,
there, mister?

Uh, yeah.
These are my cows.

You see?
They say "Phil's cow,"

and, uh, hey, I'm Phil.

They were stolen from me
about two nights ago.

You must be mistaken.

I bought these cows
last year in...

Of course, you got
a problem with that,

we can settle it
right here.

That's life, huh?
I don't much like
being called a...

Cattle rustler.
I don't blame you.

Take 10 paces.
Say, I'd love to,
but I can't,

because you know what?
I'm antihandgun.

So, uh...
Let's see.

What do you say
we flip for them?

I said take 10 paces,
turn, and start shootin'.

Those are cows!

What am I, crazy?
What have I been thinkin'?

I'm a sheep rancher!

Ha ha ha!

Start walkin'!

1... 2...

3... 4...

What comes after 4?

4 1/2.

4 1/2... 5...

8, 9--

where the hell
did he go?

I can't face
another wounded teller
with a workman's comp claim!

He took the book
to the outhouse...

And used it
as toilet paper!

No more ious,
no more rocks!

What were
we thinking?

Why did we come out here?

Why don't we go back?

Yeah, back east.
Back home.
Back. Come on.

- You're talkin' crazy.
- Am I?

We can't go east.
Why not?

because it's
against the code.

It's against the code.
What code?

You know what code.
The code of the west.

Oh, the code of the west.

The same code
that says, uh...

"The only good Indian
is a dead Indian."

And "die with your boots on."

Wait. I got another one--
"if someone steals
your horse, you hang 'em."

That's some code.

Quite a code.
Let's stay.

Admittedly not
an enlightened ideology.

But leaving would be
like giving up.

That's exactly what
it would be, Ben.

So let's just give up.

Let's get a wagon master
and go home.

Let's go east.
What do you say?

I say you're gutless,
eastern sissies!

All you done
since you got here
is whine and complain!

Go back and leave the west
to the real men!

I could have the books
on the wagon really quickly,

and the cappuccino machine
travels like a dream.

Henrietta misses
her family back east.

I could take care
of my girls,
settle my ious--


We need a sign.

From the lord.

Actually, a sign
would be terrific.

Oh! Oh, that's right.

Hey, Zeke, come on.
Really, there's your sign.

When was the last time
it rained here, huh?

That's not a sign.
It's just rain.

that is a major sign.

It's just the wind, Phil.

Tough room, Phil.


Oh, dear.

- That...
- That's a sign.


- Ohh!
- Who's he?

Who in the--
Smells like whiskey.

Well, he's certainly come
to the right place.

I don't recognize him.

Easy, slick!
You ain't a customer yet!

Hands off!
"James h. Harlow."

"Wagon master."

Sure you're not hungry?

I don't eat meat...
When I'm drinkin'.

Ha ha ha!

Look, I know he looks
a little unsteady,

but there's
something about him--
something in his eyes.

Those are blood vessels.
The man's a drunk.

It could be pinkeye.
There's a lot going around.

Listen, could you go
through that route again
for US, huh?

Follow me.


This is the southwest

We're going to start here.

Here's chimney rock.

Over here's
devil's gate.

No, no, no.
This is--

aah! Aah!

Platte river.
Now I know
where I am.

Can't you just
use a map?

I don't use maps,


Got it all up here...

Where it counts!

That's what
I'm afraid of.
Can we go, Phil?

Hold on. Let me
get this straight.

This Dutch oven's
our first campsite.

Right. Right next to
the Pawnee nation.

No, that can't be
the Pawnee nation.
They're not that unified.

Pawnee'd be more like
this here muffin tin.

We cannot
entrust the lives...

Of our families
and friends to this...

Drunken lunatic!

With all due respect.

Respect... taken.

Oh, mister...

I don't blame you
for doubtin' my abilities.

You'd be a fool
not to.

Been a drunk for
the last 20 years.

But I know this land!

I just need a chance.

It ain't about
the money,

I'll leave that
to you.

But you folks...

You need
a wagon master,

and, well...

I'd like it
to be me.

- Well, I guess you're
our man, Harlow.
- What?

Thank you, Jerry.

Well, actually, it's...
It's, uh, Phil.

You won't be sorry.

Oh, my!


We leave at dawn.


Hey, there--
there he is!

- Hey, that looks like
a wagon master to me.
- Whoa!

- People ready, Mr. Taylor?
- Yes, sir!

All right.
Mount your wagons!

Wagons, ho!

Go on! Go on!

Wagon master.


When I say "wagons, ho,"

that's the signal
that y'all pull out
and follow me.

You're going
the wrong way.

Ben, we never told him
where we were going.

Is this some
guessing game?

No, no, no, no.
We're, uh...
Going, uh, east.

- East?
- Do you have a problem
with that?

I don't know.
Don't seem right.
I've always gone west.

Well, we're going east.
Do you want the job
or not?



Come on!

Bye, Julian!

Gentlemen, gentlemen.
If I could have your attention
for a moment, please.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Now, as you know,

the success of our
transcontinental railroad...

Depends upon the success
of the land rush...

for the 4th of July.

President Grant
has made it clear,

if the population isn't
built up in the west,

we don't get any more money
to subsidize our railroad.

Tom, let's hear your report.

People are camped
on top of each other.

To use their terms,

"they're chompin' at the bit
and rarin' to git..."

Ha ha!

As soon as they receive
the go-ahead July 4th.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Mmm!

Before we count
our chickens,

listen to this telegram
from a couple agents
out west.

"Have learned
of a wagon train
planning to head east.

"Repeat-- east.

"Five wagons in all.
Possible trend?

please advise."

Now, gentlemen,
I submit to you,
there goes the west.

Ha ha ha!

I just hope
it's not too late...

To give
Washington back
the $100 million.


Let me see that.

Will you take
that off, already?

I can't believe
my own father's a quitter.

Stop saying that.
Just because a man
decides to quit...

Doesn't make him a--
you know.

Well, I guess
it does, doesn't it?

All right, then,
I'm a quitter.

But there's no
shame in quitting.

This country was
founded by quitters--

English quitters,
French quitters,
German quitters.

For your information,
if not for quitters,

no one would
start anything.

And buckle up.

Howdy, Phil.
How you doin', Zeke?

- What's that wagon master
fella's name again?
- You mean Harlow.

Yep. Been gnawin' at me
since I set eyes on him.

You don't forget
somebody like that.

What did he do?

That's the only part
I can't remember.

- Something really good...
- Yeah?

- Or really bad.
- Oh.

You must remember

It'll come to me.
You can be sure of it.

Maybe not.

Howdy, ma'am.
I didn't properly
introduce myself.

The name's Harlow.

I'll be
your wagon master.

I'd say
the jury's still out.

Pretty quick
to judge a man, aren't you?

In my line of work,
it takes no time at all.

I'd like to prove you
wrong one day, ma'am.

my doll!

Excuse me, ma'am. Ho!



- Ohh!
- Oh...


Come on!

Move it out!
Come on!

How many wagons
did we start with, Phil?

Five. Why?
Did we lose one?

Gained a couple.

Shoot, we're turning
into a movement.

How do you like that?

I don't like
it one bit.

Fix this.

Not now,
you nincompoop.

Uh, j.P...

You know, they have
just picked up...

A few stragglers--
one or two wagons.

They're clearing out
the deadwood for US.

Deadwood. Yes.

I'd like to clear out
some deadwood from
around here.

You're dismissed, smedly.
dismissed, sir?

Wait, sir.
I-I've been with
the company 20 years.

Not fired,
you sniveling idiot.

Now, get out!
Oh, yes, of course.

- Wait a minute.
- Yes, sir.

Take a letter.
I'm just going to
use your pen.

No, you're not.
No, I'm not.

Go ahead.
I'll remember.

Address it to
Mr. John Slade...
Mr. John Slade...

Somewhere on
the high plains.
John Slade... the high plains.

Dear Mr. Slade...
John Slade, high plains,
Mr. Slade.

Something of great
importance requires your
immediate attention.

...immediate attention.
Dear Mr. John...

Whoa, whoa!
Easy, Mr. Slade, easy.
Pony express.

I got a telegraph
for you.

If I could get you
to sign right here.

Unusual signature
you have there.

Two more stops,
and I'm done for the day.

Which way is abilene?

That way.

Okay. And, uh,
what about Denver?


Dead ahead.

It's been two hours,
for god's sake.

Ben, there's a fork
in the road.

This is a very
important decision.

The man's got to use
all his instincts,

get the lay
of the land,

the angle
of the sun,

the position
of the moon.

Which way are we--


Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.

So which way
do we go, huh?

That way.
You sure?

I know which way
we're going.





That's enough,

"I know which way
we're going."

It was his first mistake.
It was his first

Hope there aren't
any more forks
in the road.

Hope there ain't
no more forks
in the road.

That's the last time
I listen to you.

Told you
to wake me up.

Are you all right,

Oh. Yes, I'm fine.

No, you're not.
You're crying.

It's the fergusons.

They're driving me mad.

I've been
staving off their advances
since we left prosperity.

Well, you don't
have to stay with them.

You could ride with me.

Thank you.

I couldn't, though!

You don't
owe them anything.
Yes, I do.

My family accepted
money from them...

In exchange
for my hand.

Ha ha ha!

We've got a contract.

Well, that's
just not fair.

Oh, boy!
oh, my gosh!

Whoo whoo whoo!

What in the hell
are they doing
over there, anyway?

Oh! Well, they're
lighting their farts afire.

What else?

You got one, Harry?


Ha ha!

Halt! Who goes there?

Just wanted
a cup of coffee.

I ain't never seen
you before.

I'm the new guy.

Oh. Sure!
The new guy!
Ha ha ha!



Someone's gonna die!


Where the hell's
the river, Harlow?

- We're almost there.
- You've said that
two days ago.

It was
a day and a half.

My wife's
dying of thirst.
Oh, no. I'm fine.

Look there.

Two sisters.

Two sisters.
Sweetwater's on the other side.

- Water!
- Yes!




Come on, everybody!
Come on!

Oh, no.
Sweetwater, huh?

What the heck
is this?

This ought to be good.

River must have
changed course.

I guess a lot of things
change in 20 years.

- We trusted you.
- I never trusted him.

- We should string him up.
- I get his boots!

Go find a tree,

I found the tree
last time.

- There ain't trees here.
- I say we Bury him alive.

Go find a shovel.
Give me that.

Do something.
Run, Harlow!

Come back here, now.

- Whoa!
- No!


Look at that!

- Water!
- How deep is it?

There's a sand bar
over here.


Oh, dear.

Let's go!
Keep it moving!

Come on, now!

Wagons, ho!

Honey, please keep
two hands on the reins.

Stop telling me
how to drive!

- Move!
- Yeeah!

That's it, belle!

- Aah!
- Ha ha ha!

Come on! Come on!

Now, you shut up!
I ain't asked you
no questions.


You stop!
Wait for me!

I'm gonna get you!

We're almost there.

I don't believe this!

What are you
looking at?

Come on, now!

You people are crazy.


Crazy? What do
you mean, crazy?

Because we risked our lives
crossing a river...

Instead of staying
on the other side?

Because we have faith
in ourselves?

Because we believe in
a wagon master...

Who gave US the confidence
to do things we never
thought we could?

No. Because most people
use the bridge.

"If river crossing
any indication,

"see little reason
to worry. Stop.

"Party seems certain
to self-destruct. Stop.

"Will proceed with plan,
however. Stop. Slade."

Little reason
to worry. Ha!

It's not his money,
is it?

No, sir.
I want those
defectors eliminated.

If Mr. Bad-man Slade
can't do it,

- I'll find
someone who can!
- Yes, sir.

I'm going
down to Washington
to do some lobbying.

I want that
wagons east movement...

Monitored very closely
in my absence.
Yes, sir!

Well, how do I look?
Fat, sir.

Rich! Rich, sir!
Fat-- fat with money.

Jeremiah's on my side!
You kids
cut it out now!

Jeremiah started it.
"Jeremiah started it"!

Stop it!
Hey! Come on!

Why'd he have to
come along anyway?

- Because he's your brother.
- Are you sure?

I'll have your mother
turn this wagon around
right now!

Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?

I am warning you two.

What is it, prudence?

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Why didn't you go
at dead horse bend?

I didn't
have to go then.

Can you hold it till
the devil's skillet?


Turn around!

Wagons, ho!

Buckle up.



I think
I should have...

Gotten off
back there, too.


Ha ha ha!

Hey, thanks.

You got a problem, kid?

No! No problem
at all.


The map can't be wrong.

This ain't the way
to St. Louis.

He knows the way, Ben.

The river wasn't where
you thought it would be.

Well, Harlow, you don't
put much stock in maps,

but I think we should trust
the United States army.

maybe it's considered
more reliable...

Than a stack of skillets
and muffin pans.

He got US across
the river, didn't he?

That's right.

The river-- let's talk
about that decision.

We should
have strung you up
back at the river.

You people don't listen
to nothing anyway!

- You're just like the--
- who?

Who, James?
never mind.

Yeah! Never mind!

Never mind yourself.
Never mind you.

Never mind you!
no! Never mind you!

I don't care!

Wait! Wait!

Now I remember.

Harlow. James Harlow.
We know his name.

He did something
really, really bad,

like one of those horrible
acts against nature...

That are just seared
into your brain.

What was it?
I wish I could

- Zeke!
- But I bet it's
eating away at him,

sapping his confidence,

clouding his judgment.

I thought it might
be a good idea...

If we took a break
from the pressures
of the trail,

if we shared
our feelings as men
with other men...

In the hopes that if
we got this old business
off our chests,

it might make
our journey easier.

Phil, what the hell
are you talking about?

Just share something
personal with the group.

You know,
some defining moment
from your past--

a joyous memory,

a broken dream.

Who'd like to
go first? Harlow?

Why don't you
start first, Phil?
This is your meeting.

Yeah, it's
your meeting,

I guess I could
start US off.

I bet a lot of you guys
don't know that back
in St. Louis,

I used to be a surgeon.

I used to work
in a field hospital
during the war.

It was a nightmare.
We'd work day and night.
We'd never sleep.

We would eat
while we operated.

Once, there was this young
soldier I was trying to save.

He took a cannonball
to the stomach.

Ha ha ha!

It was a mess.
You can imagine.

After 18 hours
of surgery, I did it.

Of course you did!

I never felt
better in my life,

- until, just like that,
the patient dies.
- Oh, Phil.

I left a Bologna sandwich
in his lung.

Ha ha ha!

That's enough!

Well, put a shake
in my hand...

And made it impossible
to use a scalpel.

- I've got a better story.
- Go, Clayton!

Well, go right ahead,

I don't know
if any of you fellas...

Remember what
it was like to be 13.

You know-- the springtime
of your life...

When the grass is greener,
the skies are bluer.

You couldn't stop pulling
the wings off butterflies.

Just about every time
you got within
100 feet of a female,

put a little pup tent
in your britches.

One day, I'm doing some
chores for old lady Connors.
That old hag.

There she is,
napping on her bed
with her teeth in a glass...

And her mouth
kind of slung open.

I figure, what the heck.
It's a free country.

- Clayton, you can finish
the story the next time.
- This is the best part.

Mary's husband disappeared
for two hours last night.

I saw her wagon rocking
the other night.

Do you think
it was she
or the husband?

Oh, please,
that woman--

Ladies, listen...

As long as we're all going
to be on this trip together,

I think it's time we get
some things out in the open.

Now, I've heard
the gossiping...

And the whispering,

and if there's something
you want to say,

why don't you say it
to my face?

What's it like?

How much money
did you make?

How do you
stay awake?

- You don't actually
blow, do you?
- Blow what?


Ladies! Ladies!
Oh, well, I'll tell you
anything you want.

Uh, yeah.
You, henrietta.

Uh... my husband told me...

That the largest penis
ever recorded was 4 1/2 inches.

Is that true?

So, Harlow,

you sure there's nothing
you'd like to share
with the group?

About what?
Phil, I got one!

About these dogs
that were stuck--

Harry Bob,

Look here, Harry Bob.

When I was 10 years old,

I killed my best friend
Tommy hanley.

The folks thought he died
falling out a tree.

The fact of the matter is,

I beat him with a club
then drug him in the woods
so's it'd look that way.

Ha ha ha!

I have no idea
why I done it.

Ha ha ha!
Thank you, doctor.

I feel better already.
We knowed it was you.

No, you did not,
Yeah, we did.

We knew.
No, you did not!

Actually, it's very Santa fe,

with the conflicting
earth tones
and the primitive motif.

But the whole thing's
busy for me.

How about you, Zeke?

What does it mean,

It's sort of
a signpost,

a message to US
from the sioux.

The message is,
uh, what?

Well, it means if you can
read this message,

you've come too far.

I can't read.

Where have you
led US?

Oh, shut up, Ben.

Harlow's instincts
were right. Following that
stupid map led US here.

- Where is here?
- Indian country.

- What?
- Indian country!

Oh, great.
Just what we need.


You got to
believe in him.

Quiet down.
Quiet down!

I said quiet--

The man said
quiet down!

- What the hell
was you thinking?
- I'm sorry.

All right.
If we're going to survive
in Indian country,

we're going to start
thinking like Indians.

First, we'll walk barefoot,
just like the Indians.

I thought Indians
wore moccasins.

Well, Ben, we don't have
any moccasins.

Excuse me,

I actually
brought a pair
for summer wear.

I really think
they'd just be perfect.

Julian will wear moccasins,

and the rest of US
will go barefoot.

Next we'll wrap
all the metal riggings...

On our horses and wagons--

anything that rattles in cloth
to muffle the sound.

We'll travel by night
and hide out by day.

We'll make camp in an arroyo
so we're hidden from view.

No campfires.
We'll sleep on the ground,
just like the Indians.

I'm up. I'm up.
I'm up. I'm up.
I'm up. I'm up.

What is it?




Uh... excuse me.

Good morning!

Uh, you speakum English?

You've gotten US
in enough trouble.
I'll handle this.

You want to shave
a buffalo butt...

And dance naked
with a beaver?

You speak English.
That's great.

We want to travel east...

To the land
of the rising sun.

Skip the euphemisms.
I know which way east is.

What did I do?

Ha ha ha!

I'd like you
to keep it...

As a gift
from me to you
for your help.

Wow! A Colt .45!


Hyah! Head up!
head up!

Damn! Oh!


Son of a bitch!

Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo!
"More steam."

"I thought I'd tell you.
We ain't got no more fuel.

We run out of coal
two hours ago."

"You what?"
"I was afraid of what
you'd do to me."

"That's all right.
We'll demolish this church
and burn the wood."

"No, please.
Whatever you do,
don't harm my church."

"Shut up, preacher,
or I'll set your hat on fire.

Ha ha ha!"
uh, sir.

I told you
never to disturb me
at this hour!

I am so sorry.

We've been getting
some reports that some
of the homesteaders...

Are having second thoughts
about the land rush.

Apparently the word
about the wagon train
is spreading.

What about
that wagon train, sir?

Slade has not been
very effective.

I have a backup plan.


And they should be
just about there.

So what brought you
out west, Julian?

Oh, the men.
I just heard it was
chock-full of them.

The men?
Oh, yeah. I get it.

I guess men read more books
than women, right?

Here you go,
Millie, darlin'.

Ah, that's great.

Look at you, Julian.

What did you see,
a mermaid?

Cold water usually does
the opposite to me.

Harlow, you've been
so good to me.

Just doing
my job, ma'am.


I was thinking.

Maybe you'd like to come
to my wagon tonight,

and we can talk...

Or something.

Ma'am, i--


did I say
something wrong?

No. No, ma'am.
You didn't say anything wrong.

It's just that--
well, you see--

fact is, I don't get paid
till St. Louis.

As much as I'd like to,

I just can't right now.

But I will when I can...

When I have
what I don't have now.

Well, I didn't mean--

as if I'd consider it,

you-- you...
You gimpy old drunk!




Hyah! Hyah!

Mount up!

Wagons, ho!

No, wait.
I'm Harlow.

You were Harlow
last time.

Hey, you know

Whatever we are
to the world,

we're heroes to them.

You can be Phil.
No way!

I'd rather be
Harry Bob than Phil.

Want to be
Harry Bob then?

Let's go! Come on!


I'd just like to apologize
for the other day.

I don't know why--
oh, no. No. No.

Harlow, it's me
that should apologize.

I had no cause
to get righteous.

It's what I've done
for the past five years.

We've all done things
we're not proud of.

At least
I know I have.

I'd just like
to say that, uh...

No, no, no.
Harlow, it's okay.

Ma'am, I would
like to say it...

Because you
deserve it, ma'am.

I'd like to say
that I don't
think of you...

As just a whore.

Oh, Harlow.
That's so sweet.

Thank you, ma'am.

Good evening to you.


Oh! Oh!

Constance? Phil?

I finally figured out
where I knowed him from!

Wait, I want to hear.
Hi, constance.

Hi. Ohh...

This better be good.

I met him
back in '46.

He was wagon master
for a certain party
going to California.

- What party?
- Damn if I can remember.

Zeke, you're killing me.

I keep thinking
of reindeer.

Reindeer? You mean,
like dancer and prancer?

Name some more.

Donner and blitzen.

That's it!
The blitzen party.

The donner party?
The donner party?

Oh, yeah. That's it.

The worst wagon train
disaster in history,

where all those people
froze to death
in the sierras?

And those
that survived...

Let's just say
they had their friends
for dinner.

I hired
the wagon master...

From the donner party.


If he survived,
do you suppose
he ate--

Zeke! Ben!
I knew it when he said
he didn't eat meat.

Look. Those were
very extreme conditions.

Who knows how any one of US
would have survived...

All that snow, right?

Let's keep this
amongst ourselves.

There's no sense
in alarming the others.

I'm alarmed.
There's nothing
to worry about.

Unless it snows.
For Christ's sake, Zeke.

It's June!

Uh! Ohh!


Oh, my.

Looks like Christmas
came a little early
this year, Phil.

Must be a...

Must be
a freak storm, huh?


Hey, Zeke.

I know
what you're thinking.

Stop it! It's crazy!

I can't--
I can't believe it!

I can't believe--

uh! Uh!

it's snowing!

We're marooned!

Ben, you're overreacting.

Hey, where's he going?

How do I know?
Maybe to shoot a little game.

Oh, my god!

There's no reason
to get crazy.
Harlow's our friend.

They were
all friends
at donner pass.

Oh, my go--

uh! Get a doctor!

Iam a doctor.


Come and get it!
come and get it! Food!


Get out of my way!

The meat will be ready
in one minute.

- Where did you get this?
- Harlow!

- Oh, how nice.
- - Me and my brother got dibs on the rump.

- Where is he?
- - I haven't seen Clayton today, actually.

I'm so hungry!

Oh, my go--
don't eat that!


- I'm sorry, Clayton.
- You're sorry?

Whoever stole my Millie's
going to be really sorry.

Oh, Millie. Super.

- Ha!
- this is a very good feast.

Hey, give me some.
Here we go, zekey.



Heh heh heh!

Bring it up now!

Heh heh heh!

Eh... eh...


Heh heh heh!

Uh! Uh!



Ooh! Uh!



Aah! Ooh!
Ah! Oh!

Git up! Hyah!

Git up!




you look like you been
blowed from a Cannon...

And landed
on a barrel cactus.

The name's Slade.

John Slade.

James Harlow.

That name sounds
real familiar.

Let's not start
that again, Zeke,



1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8,

9, 10, 11, 12.

Aha. Hmm!



Could be.

Don't know
if my ma and pa were married.

Killed my pa
before I could ask.

Mr. Slade.

Uh... hi.

Phil Taylor.



Listen. Boy...
How did we come
to this, huh?

You're counting
your bullets,

and we're, uh,
saying our prayers.

This happened
so fast, you know?

Whew! I mean,
what if you, uh...

You took a moment
for yourself,

you know,
like a time-out,
if you will?

Think about
maybe saying,

"hey, I don't want
to plug these guys
in the back of the head."

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

I like you, Phil.

I like you,
too, Slade.

Tell you what...

I'm going to
shoot you first...

And save you
all that, uh...

Painful anticipating.

- Pa!
- okay, stud.

Ease the hammer back
nice and slow...

And give me the weapon.


That Julian?

Name's Slade.

Oh, super.

Spell it out for me
so I can get it right
on your tombstone.


Your move, sissy boy.

Sissy boy? Oh, please.
That is so dodge city.

You're gonna die slow...
Real slow.

All right.

What was that?

- The warning shot.
- Warning shot.

You think
a warning shot's
going to scare me?

It's lodged
about 6 inches
in your tummy.



You're good.
I know.

I hear that
all the time.
Listen, pumpkin,

you've got to get yourself
some medical attention.

Gunshots have
a tendency to fester.

And I'm really sorry
we had to meet this way.


Son of a gun!

Happy Valentine's day.




Slice, slice, slice...
And lift.

Hyah! Hyah!

Ho, there!



Everybody is going on about
this wagons east movement.

There's rumors
of crop failure and cholera,
rustlers and Indians.

They're teetering
on the edge.
We might lose 'em.

I'll talk to them.
I tried.
They just won't listen.

Now with Slade dead
and your backup--

whatever happened
to your backup plan?

Who the hell knows?
They're probably dead drunk
in some cow town.

No more amateurs.
I'm calling in the cavalry.
Great, great!

Who would
that be, sir?

A group of men
on horseback...

Who wear blue uniforms
and yellow scarves
and sabers and guns.

Don't you know
who the United States
cavalry is?

I thought you were
using a figure
of speech,

which, of course,
you're not.

Hyah! Hyah!

Hey, it's big snake!

Big snake,
what'd you see?

Over here.

Bad news.
Big trouble.

Let's keep that
to ourselves.

- So what's news?
- Cavalry's coming.

They come
to stop you.

Come to stop US?
That's ridiculous.

My hunch is this--
that land rush coming up
on the 4th of July...

They don't want US
spoiling their fireworks.

But we're so close
to... St. Louis.

All the more reason
not to chance it.

All right.
Listen. Listen.

I say we move on.

Who's wagon master here?
We hired you.
We can overrule you.

I'm telling ya, I've got
a bad feeling about this.

Like when you led
the donner party?

The donner party?

I don't get it.
Who are the donners?

Harlow was
the wagon master
for the donner party...

Before he became
a vegetarian.

Weren't you, Harlow?

- Am I right, Phil?
- thanks, Ben.

It's a little unfair.
You can't condemn a man
based on Zeke's memory.

- What memory?
- Tell them it ain't so,

Yeah, tell him.
Tell him.



Harlow, what's wrong?
Where you going?


It was so stupid.
You scared everybody.

That is enough! Shh!

The cavalry.
It's the cavalry.


I go first. These are
lieutenant bars, mister.

What do they want?
what did we do?

- Hi, lieutenant.
- Yeah. Hello.

As of 0800 this morning,

this assembly has been
officially classified...

As a federal insur--


I have orders from
general William h. Larchmont...

To instruct you
to either turn back
or face the consequences.

What exactly are
the consequences?

Your standard
u.S. Cavalry massacre.
He can explain.

You have 24 hours
to decide.

- Is that 24 hours
from right now?
- Uh, yeah.

- What time do you have?
- What time do you have?

- 2:25.
- Well, then, 2:25 it is.

Uh, have a nice day.

Nice seeing you again.

Let's move out!
Oh, great.
Nobody's listening.

We'll get killed.

Damn. I should
have said 2:30.
Oh, what's the difference?

At least
they gave US 24.


It's my brother.
He's been shot.

My leg!
My poor little brother.

Oh, god!
My poor little brother.

What happened, Clayton?
He was biting off
a chaw of tobacco when...

- Yeah?
- I shot him.

Excuse me?

- It was my tobacco.
- That's a good reason.

Anybody here know
how to remove a bullet?

- Phil?
- I can't pick up a scalpel.

- How bad is it?
- Only a flesh wound.


Aren't you going to
help Mr. Ferguson,

- Come on. Move him.
- Easy.

Bring him over
into my wagon.

We'll need hot water
and plenty of towels.

I was just dropping--

You done shot me!

what are you doing, doc?

- Scalpel.
- Scalpel. Mm-hmm.

Here you are.






What's the matter
with you?

I did it.

I got in there,
and I forgot
about all my fears.

It was like old times.
The knife became
an extension of my hand.

The blood, the tissue--
none of it bothered me.

Dr. Taylor,
I'm proud of you.

Oh. Oh.

so my brother,

he can walk

Oh, uh...
About that, Clay,
you know,

these flesh wounds
can be pretty tricky.

There are
complications and--
you had to amputate?

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

The leg is, uh, fine.
A little stiff.

Now, that's
to be expected.

Well, you know,
actually, Clay, uh...

The leg is not
the only part that's stiff.

Actually, his whole body
is kind of, uh--

well, he's, uh...
He's, uh...

He's dead.

But he, uh,
he wanted you
to have this, huh?

Oh! My tobacco!

Thanks, doc.

Uh... oh...



Harlow... uh!

Sorry, sir.
You were delirious.

You want to
slap me back?

You're more
than welcome to.

Yes, sir.

I was dreaming.
Yes, you were.

Did I say anything?
Well, you, uh,
mentioned Harlow.

You two have some sort
of history together?

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, we do.

It was about 20 years ago...

When Harlow
led the donner party,

and I, rightfully so,
appropriated many
of his horses...

And most of his supplies
for my raid on the Mexicans.

While his pathetic attempts
at rescue failed, of course,

I rode on to glory
and became a colonel.

They others froze
and ate each other.
Oh, gee!

Luck of the draw,

Just the luck
of the draw.


But this is just
the kind of thing...

That the press blows
way out of proportion,

especially in light
of a presidential campaign.

it's official, sir?

Yes, lieutenant.

It's official.

Damn that Harlow.

Thought he drank himself
into oblivion years ago.

But no matter.
I'll take care
of him tomorrow.

The secret dies
with him.

No one else knows.
Except for me.

Who told you?
You did, sir.

Very observant,

Very observant.

But now I think
you have two choices--

use your head and accept
a plum position
in my cabinet...

Or search for your brains
by the light of a candle.

Good night,
Mr. President.

Good night,
Mr. Secretary.

Are the men in bed?

Well, they were, sir.
I don't know about now.

Good. All right,
Tuck you in, huh?

Yes, sir.
I think a bedtime story
would be in order.

All right, sir. Just one.
It's very late, sir.

Do you want to hear
Indian Joe meets
the talking rock?

Well, the colonel's favorite
isthe lone pony
on the high plains.

All right.
Lone pony, it is.

Hit me.
Dang. This boy
can drink.

I need a few more
customers like him.

Say, dusty, you hear
about that wagon train
heading this way?

Yeah. A bunch of whores,
degenerates, and murderers.

There's talk about them
massacring settlers
along the trail--

pillaging and raping
like it's nobody's business.

They're letting Indians
sleep with their women.

Well, they're
going to get theirs.

There's a rumor that
the seventh cavalry's going
to wipe them out.

They're sending in
their crackerjack
general larchmont...

To make sure
the job's done.

Let's have one
for the seventh cavalry!

To the good general!

How am I doing?

Well, they're still
behind you.

You know the last time
I was on a horse?

At the carrousel
in St. Louis.

And I was thrown.

The cavalry.

Oh, my god.

Circle the wagons!


Phil, I got an idea!
Keep those wagons around!


Phil, you know how white guys
always circle in their wagons?

Makes it easier
for the cavalry
to go around.

Why don't you
square the wagons?

The cavalry would
have to go in wide circles.

Square the wagons!
Square the wagons!

Square the wagons!
Square the wagons,

Square the wagons?
I don't get it!



Miss Lindsey,
get back.

I got it!

So this is what
it looks like in here?

How do they walk
in these things?

Big snake!

What are you doing?
It's filthy.

I'm hiding behind it.
Get over there.

What do you think
you're doing with that?
Thank you.

All right!
Everybody stay down!

Stay down!
wait for my command to fire!

And remember...

No matter what happens,

no one but no one can take away
what this trip has meant to US.

I did it, honey.

I got in there
and forgot my fears.

Dr. Taylor, I am
very proud of you.

I didn't properly
introduce myself.
The name's Harlow.

I'll be
your wagon master.

Julian, would you mind
scrubbing my back?

Since that bronc threw me,
I can't reach it.

All right,

Let's sound the attack!
I want my big horn.

Sir, are you sure
we really need
the big horn?

Of course, you idiot!

It instills fear in the enemy
and saps their strength...

And turns their bowels
to jelly.

Where's my big horn?

Yes, sir!
Sound the charge.

Let's kill some people!

- To glory!
- Charge!


Damn it.
Honey, is that manual
under the seat?

Go get them,

They've squared
the wagons!

They've what?

They're not
shooting, lieutenant.
Why aren't they shooting?

Sir, these people
aren't renegades.
They're just settlers.

Fool. That's what
they want you to think.


They're women and children.

They're settlers.
I ain't shooting.

- Is that Mr. Harlow?
- Where?

It's Harlow!
It's Harlow!



Let's go.
Hyah! Come on!


All right!

Hope I'm not
too late to join
your little party.

Let's forget about
the settlers and shoot him.
Fire when ready.

Easy, boys.
You may get me,

but I'm going to take
your fearless leader
with me.

What should
we do, sir?

Do? Uh... uh...

Taylor! Smith!
Have your men form
a human shield around me.

General, sir,
I'm calling you out.

I've handled tougher men
than you, Harlow.

Lieutenant, shoot him.

I'd like to, sir,
but I'm afraid
my hands are tied.

He's called you out
in front of the men.

It's a, you know,
western thing.

A western thing,
you say?

General, sir,
I'd like to help you
with your dismount.

Why, thank you, son.

You pack
a pretty fair punch
there, Harlow.

Knock one for me!

Go, Harlow!
Yeah, that's right!
You heard me!

Fix his wagon,

- Aah!
- Aah!

Good jab.

Back down on the ground.

Keep your hands up.

How long
do these things
usually last?

How would I know?

I'm getting
kind of hungry.

Can I go play?
Sure, sweetheart.

You're losing him,

Where are you going?

Good. Stay down.



Would you like
a vanilla wafer?

Here you go.

- I got it!
- Yes!

Push hard!



Get up!


Over here.
Okay, honey!

Let's go have
some pie!


James aloysius Harlow!

I knew you'd do it,

You have a seat,
you big hero.

Today, we open the bounties
of our glorious land
to the common man!

So look to the west,

for therein lies
your future!


Where the humble wagon...

- What is it?
- Looks like a wagon train.

But they're heading east.

They're going
the wrong way!

That look good?
My hair look white
to you, son?

Come see me
when you've got
some mink.

If I get my hands
on that kid
that scalped me...

Look at this, dad!
put that away!

Showed initiative.
He'll make a fine
officer one day.

I'm proud
to be scalped
by a boy like that.

Listen to me!
Pay no heed
to those fools!

They're dunderheads!
They're going the wrong way!

You've got
to listen to me!

Land for the taking!
Your time is now!

Land rushers,
get ready!

Not now!

About time. Ah, well.



Oh, yeah!

Ha ha ha!

Should we tell them?
Nah. They wouldn't
listen anyway.

But who knows?

Maybe it'll
work out for them.

Ha ha ha!

Wagons east!

Evening, gentlemen.


I'd like
to thank you both...

For, uh, well,
for believing in me.

We never doubted you
for a second, Harlow.

Not once?

- Honestly?
- Yeah.

- Oh, the river crossing.
- Yeah.

And the fork
in the road.

Oh, yeah.

The Indian camp.

And that whole thing--

I got to get going.

Come on. Please.
Without you, we wouldn't
even be here.

When I ride into
St. Louis tomorrow,

I'll be thinking
of James h. Harlow--
wagon master supreme.

We'll miss riding
with you, Harlow.

I appreciate that.
I truly do.
You know what?

I wouldn't mind
seeing you again.

I'd look forward
to that,

especially since
I haven't been paid yet.

We haven't--
let's wait
until St. Louis.

He could still
get lost.

Don't you wish
that, uh...

That this
would never end.



But, I guess it's--

yeah. I guess.

It's over. Yeah.



No. I'd be wrong.
No, Harlow.

I think I know
what you're thinking,

and it definitely
wouldn't be wrong.

You mean...


That we could
go back and start
all over again?

No. Definitely wrong.


We can hook up
and go north
to Canada.

I hear
it's warm there
all year round.

Oh, Harlow!

Oh, Harlow!

Look. A shooting star.

Quick. Close your eyes
and make a wish.

Well, what
did you wish for?

If I tell you,
it won't come true.


What was that?

It's Clayton Ferguson.

Oh, my god!

Talk about
your bad luck.

What do you figure
the chances of that are?

Where are you
headed, Julian?

Well, you're gonna laugh.
I've been talking to
some people.

They think I may have given up
on the west too soon.

What could possibly
be out there for you?

San Francisco.

Come on!

So long, my friends!


If you're ever
in my country again,

I'll have to kill you.

Ha ha ha!

I'm serious.

Wagons, ho!