Wag the Dog (1997) - full transcript

After being caught in a scandalous situation days before the election, the president does not seem to have much of a chance of being re-elected. One of his advisers contacts a top Hollywood producer in order to manufacture a war in Albania that the president can heroically end, all through mass media.

Another great race today, Johnny.

Who are you gonna ride in the Stakes?

Eddie, like my daddy
always used to say...

...and I live by it...

"Never change horses in midstream."

Never change horses.
Sounds like a smart bet.

Always stick with a winner.

Keep America working.

Don't change horses in midstream.

On election day, reelect the president.

Can you step this way, Mr. Brean?

Lift your arms, please.

That's him. That's Mr. Fix-it.

It's right here.

You can have a seat right here, Connie.

He doesn't know anything.

John Levy's staff, his assistant...

...and of course Amy Cain, Press.

Yes. Thank you. That'll be
all. Thank you, gentlemen.

- Want some coffee?
- Yeah, black, please.

Gaviston, bring some
coffee, please. Black.

All right. You kids here in this room...

...what you hear here, what say
here and what you do here...

...if it gets out, you leaked it.

Tell them what they need to know.

When it broke, the president said
one thing, "Get me Conrad Brean."

Anyway. What's the thing?

He had an illegal immigrant nanny
some years back? Didn't declare?

You people get ahead in the polls,
all of a sudden you get nervous.

He made a pass at some
secretary some years ago?

There was a group of Firefly Girls
from Sante Fe were here last month.

One of the girls expressed interest
in the Frederic Remington bust.

The President took her into the office, you know
the office behind the Oval Office for a period of...

Three minutes. It couldn't
have been over three minutes.

The Secret Service will
back me up on that.

So, it's not the illegal
immigrant nanny thing?

The girl's alleging...

Jesus, Mary, Joseph.

Maybe we could say it was a
funny drug reaction to the flu.

Who's got the story?

Don't you want to know if it's true?

What difference does it
make, if it is true?

It's a story and it breaks.
They gonna have to run with it.

How long we've got till it breaks?

Front page, Washington Post, tomorrow.

Well, yeah. That's not good.

- Ok. Where is he?
- China.

When is he due back?

They're set to leave pretty soon.

Yeah, well. All right. He stays on the
ground in China at least another day.


- You the Press Office?
- Yes.

Earn your money. He's
ill. Play he's sick.

When do we bring him back?

I'm gonna need a day. At least a day.

He's sick. Get that out right now.

Get them on the phone and tell
the jackals how sick he is.

We gotta get that out before the story
breaks. We have to correspond to it.

Issue a bulletin. He's
got some rare strain...

- Won't hold.
- I need a day. I need some running time.

It won't hold a day, Connie.

Yes, it will. You know
why? I'll tell you why.

Why is the president in China?

- Trade relations.
- You're goddamn right.

It's got nothing to do
with the B-3 bomber.

- There is no B-3 bomber.
- I just said that. There is no B-3 bomber.

I don't know why these
rumors get started.

All right. I need $20,000. I need a car.

All right. Get me a car and driver.

The southwest gate now, please.


What is it?

Campaign commercial.
Should we look at it?

Yeah, yeah. Put it in.

This should be interesting.

What is it?

The rough cut. The other
side's new commercial.

The Neal commercial?

Yeah. We had somebody steal it.

This'll be on the air
the day after tomorrow.

In the final days of the campaign...

...has the president changed his tune?

Thank heaven for little girls.

The presidency is about honor.

Thank heaven for little girls.

It's about principles.

Without them, what
would little boys do?

And it's about integrity.

This tune has got to change.

On election day, vote
Neal for president.

Oh, boy.

All right. Who's gonna take
the press conference today?

Is there a press conference today?

What do you think?

We gonna have to use this
as a base of operations.

I'm gonna need one day, two days.

Whoever's leaking that stuff
to the Post lets it slip...

"I hope this won't screw
up the B-3 program."

"What B-3 program, and why
should it screw it up?"

"If the president decides
to deploy the B-3...

"...before it's fully tested..."

"Deploy the B-3 before
it's fully tested?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Why? The crisis."

- What crisis?
- I'm working on that.

At the same time get General Scott
and the Joint Chiefs of Staff...

...and put them on a plane
to Seattle right away.

He's nervous to talk
to the Boeing people.

- But?
- But? But what?

But there isn't a B-3 bomber.

- Where'd you go to school? Wellesley?
- Dartmouth.

Show a little spunk.
There is no B-3 bomber.

General Scott, to the
best of your knowledge...

...is not in Seattle to talk to Boeing.

Connie, it won't prove out.

It doesn't have to prove out. We just gotta
distract them. We just gotta distract them.

Got less than two weeks
till the election.

What in the world would do that?
What in the world would do that?

I'm working on it. I'm working on it.

Winifred, Mr. Brean.

Thank you.

- What's this?
- $20,000.

I gotta go to L.A. and
see a Hollywood producer.

Meet me at National in an hour.

We'll go to Chicago and
connect there to L.A.

See you at National.

Tell me...Tell me... Tell me this again.

We landing?

Tell me again.

Don't worry about. It's nothing new.

During Reagan's administration,
240 Marines killed in Beirut.

24 hours later, we invade Grenada.

That was their M.O.

Change the story, change the lead.

It's not a new concept.

Wake me when we land. We'll talk more.

Wait. We can't afford a war.

We're not gonna have a war.

We're having the appearance of a war.

We cannot afford appearance of a war.

- What'll it cost?
- But they would find out.

Who's gonna find out?
The American people?

- Exactly.
- Who's gonna tell them?

What did they find out
about the Gulf War?

One video of one bomb falls down
a chimney. Blows up the building.

The building could have
been made out of Legos.

- You really want us to go to war?
- That's the general idea.

With who?

I'm working on it.

- Albania?
- Yeah.


Why not? What do you know about them?

- Nothing.
- Precisely.

They seem shifty, they seem standoffish.

I mean, who knows from Albania? What do you
know about Albania? Who trusts Albanians?

What did Albania ever do to us?

What did they do for us?

This is why we have to
mobilize the B-3 bomber.

You really want to go
to war with Albania?

We don't have a choice.
This is what you do.

Get your press office
right now to deny it.

It didn't happen.

"Deny. There is no report
of Albanian activity."

They have to deny it.

- It didn't happen.
- Deny. Deny. Deny.

...news from the president
on his visit to China.

Another sort of news, however...

...has emerged from the
presidential quarter.

We turn to Melissa Gardner
at KZAB in Sante Fe...

...with this breaking news. Melissa.

Thanks, Richard. Today
a local Firefly Girl...

...accused the president
of sexual misconduct.

This photo of the
president with the girls...

...was taken during their
recent tour of the White House.

The girl claims that
the sexual misconduct...

...occurred inside the Oval Office.

Her attorney says there
are no plans yet...

...to hold a press conference.

Right now, folks in Sante Fe
and the rest of America...

...are waiting for a response
from the White House...

...on these harsh allegations.

With the election only days
away, the big question is...

...how much will this
scandal affect the outcome?

Top people, Albanian desk.

I don't know, either,
but probably we have one.

Listen. I want you to
roust them out of bed.

Albanian desk, CIA, NSA. Roust
them out of bed, sirens blaring.

Honey, I know they're
gonna be up in an hour.

I want them up now. Now, listen
to me. Tell your staff...

General Scott in Seattle?

Well. No. I don't think his trip
has to do with the B-3 bomber.

Excuse me, Miss. I'll have
to ask you to turn that off.

OK, I know. It'll just be a second.

Miss, there are no
electronics on the plane.

I really have to ask
you to turn that off.

It'll just take two seconds.

We've said flat out
there is no B-3 bomber.

I understand. I understand.

If it is true, he should,
he must step down...

...and if it's not true, then he must...

We are informed he has
extended his visit to China.

I say on behalf of the
American people, come home.

Face the music, whatever that may be.

The election's in 11 days.

Let the American people decide.

"Let the American people decide."

Senator Neal, presidential candidate.

Excuse me, Senator.

That's 11 days till the election...

...and the president ahead
in the polls by... Bob?

Seventeen percent.

Accusations have surfaced
which could affect the outcome.

The White House has announced that...

...in response to the media pressure...

...there will be a press conference.

My God. This is how a
Hollywood producer lives?

This is bigger than the White House.

Get me my veggie shake, Rumond...

...and remind me to turn
over in 10 minutes...

...to tan the other side.

Do I know you?

We have some mutual
friends in Washington.

Yes, as you said, and is it true?

Mr. Motss, I wouldn't...

You wouldn't be here if it
wasn't true. It's true, right?

Really, who could say?

I like the guy. He
signed his book to me...

..."For two generations...
" I mean... What was it?

"For progress to
occur," I think he said.

Two Generations to Agree, yes.

That's what he inscribed.
How'd you know that?

That's the title of the book.

That's the title?

For Progress to Occur It's
Necessary for Two Generations to...

That's a terrible title.

You're right.

For Two Generations to
Agree. That is the title.

You know. I never looked at the cover.

I just looked at what he wrote to me.

When you get the time,
you can read the cover.

John Levy is expected to respond
to the Firefly allegations...

...of sexual misconduct
by the president.

This guy is fucked.

What one has to do, Mr. Motss,
is fight a holding action.

Holding action? They're going to
run this man through the shredder.

If we can hold the break in the dam
for 11 days till the election...

...I think we got a chance.

You can't hold the dam.
I mean, how the hell...

I don't get what you want me to do.

...advised him to stay on the ground
in China for one or two days.

During that time, of
course, we'll remain...

But he's gotta come back sometime.

What is one or two days gonna buy you?

Look at all those hands.

Brer Rabbit couldn't get out of this.

Would you comment
please on the rumors...

...that the president's fly...
the president's delay...

...is due to the situation in Albania?

There is...

I'm not aware of the
situation to which you refer.

Sir, we've just learned that
the State Department...

...has set up a special Albanian
task force at Ops Center.

Mr. Sklansky, I am... We
have... Mrs. Rose, yes?

Early this morning, General
Scott flew to Seattle.

Is his trip connected
with the B-3 bomber?

Mrs. Rose, there... To the best of my
knowledge, there is no B-3 bomber.

Mr. Levy, is the situation
in Albania related anyway...

...to the Muslim fundamentalist
anti-American uprising?

Now they get it. Now they get it.

There you go. There's a little help.

...that have some
fundamentalist movements...

How close are you to this thing?

What do you want the kid to say?

We will keep you apprised
of any new information.

Regarding these groups, at this
time, there is no information about...

Have him say...

I know we're all concerned
for the president.

I'm sure that our hopes
and prayers are with him.

Could you have Levy say...

"I know we're all concerned
for the president.

"I'm sure our hopes and
prayers are with him."

I just wanna say that I know that we
are all concerned for the president...

...and that our hopes
and prayers are with him.

He didn't phrase it right.

He didn't sell the line.

All right, you bought
yourself one day, maybe two.

For bring them together, all I
need is 11 till the election.

Are you gonna stretch it? This
isn't gonna hold for 11 days.

- The guy fucked a Girl Scout.
- A Firefly Girl.

He fucked a Firefly Girl.

What are you gonna do to hold that off?

Excuse me. I'm gonna
get my veggie shake.

What do you think would
hold it off, Mr. Motss?

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I mean, you, you... You'd
have to have a war.

You're kidding. You're not kidding.

I'm in show business,
yes? Why come to me?

I'll tell you why, Mr. Motss.

"54, 40, or fight." What does that mean?

- It's a slogan. It's from...
- "Remember the Maine."

Yeah, that's gotta be.

"Tippecanoe and Tyler, too."
- No, that's not.

They're war slogans, Mr. Motss.

We remember the slogans, we can't
even remember the fucking wars.

- You know why?
- Why?

- That's show business. That's why we're here.
- I see.

Naked girl, covered in napalm.

"V" for victory.

5 Marines raising the
flag, Mount Surabachi.

You remember the picture 50
years, but forget the war.

The Gulf War, smart bomb
falling down a chimney.

2,500 missions a day, 100 days.

One video of one bomb, Mr. Motss.

The American people bought that war.

War is show business.
That's why we're here.

And what do you do for the president?

Why Albania?

Why not?

They gotta know at some point.


You know. The... The public.

- They gotta know?
- Yes.

Stan, get with it. Who killed Kennedy?

I read the first draft
of the Warren Report.

It says he was killed by a drunk driver.

You watched The Gulf War. What
do you see day after day?

The one smart bomb
falling down a chimney.

The truth?

I was in the building
when we shot that shot.

We shot it in a studio in
Falls Church, Virginia.

1/10 scale model of a building.

Is that true?

How the fuck do we
know? You take my point?

Yes. All right. Ok.

You want me to do what?

We want you to produce.

You want me to produce your war?

Not a war. It's a pageant.

We need a theme, a song, some visuals.

It's a pageant.

It's like the Oscars.
That's why we came to you.

I never won an Oscar.

That's a damn shame you didn't,
but you produced the Oscars.

Yes. Indeed, I did.

You know, you're a writer,
that's your script.

You're a director, but if you're
the producer, what do you do...

...nobody knows what you do.

The producer, I mean, all
he's got is the credit.

You see? And some plaques on the wall.

They don't know what we
do. Don't get me started.

If you never won an Oscar...

...how would you like an ambassadorship?

An ambassadorship? That's my payoff?

Tell me what you want.

Fellow, I'd just do it for fun
of it. For a story to tell.

You couldn't tell anybody.

I'm just kidding.

- I mean, you couldn't tell anybody.
- No, no, no. It's just a figure of speech.

It's a pageant.

It's a pageant. That's what it is.

The country's at war.

It's Miss America. You're Bert Parks.

- Why Albania?
- Because...

They have to have something we want.
What do we have that they want?

- Freedom.
- Why would they want that?

- Oppressed?
- No, no, no. Fuck freedom.

They want to destroy the
godless Satan on the United.

They want to destroy our way of life.

All right? Ok? Ok? Ok?

The president is in China.

He is dealing with the dispatch
of the B-3 bomber to Albania.


Why? Help me.

All right, all right. Let's
see. Geo-politically if we...

We just found out they have the bomb.

We just found out they have the bomb.

- That's good.
- And, and... wait a second.

No, no. The bomb's not there...

...because they'd have to
have a rocket and that shit.

They are a bunch of wogs. No,
no. Cross that out. All right.

It's a suitcase bomb.

I didn't know I said that.

It's a suitcase bomb.
You don't need missiles.

You can put a bomb in a suitcase. Right?

It's a suitcase bomb.

That's good. A suitcase bomb.

It's a suitcase bomb.

When it's cooking, it's cooking.

We're cooking, and it's
in... it's in...it's in...

Canada. All right?

Albanian terrorists have
placed a suitcase bomb...

...in Canada in an attempt to
infiltrate the bomb into the USA.

That's good.

That's terrific. I'll tell
you why. It is cost effective.

It's producing. That's what it is.

- It's really great.
- I could tell you stories.

Cecil B. De Mille, all right?
The Greatest Show on Earth...

...he needs an elephant.

I got the president on the line.

One minute. Hey, one minute.

De Mille, right?

Needs an elephant for a
reshoot. Know what he does?

Ames here. Yes, sir?

You listening?

- Nobody's listening.
- I'm listening.
- Ok, ok, ok.

- The suitcase bomb.
- Good title for a movie.

Please, write it down.
Don't editorialize.

The thinking is, terrorism.

Act One: Albania denies everything.

The president comes on
the air, "Be calm."

Know what I need right now?

You better get me Johnny Dean,
Liz Butsky, and the Fad King.

Isn't Johnny Dean in the...

Back in Nashville.

- Ok. Act Two.
- We don't need an Act Two.

Don't forget Fad King. We
don't need an Act Two?

We just have to hold their interest
for 11 days till the election.

It's a teaser.

It's a teaser. Absolutely right.

- Grace!
- Yeah.
- Teaser.

They're getting a really good
reaction on the Albanian thing.

Hello, John, you two-bit redneck
shitkicker. How the heck are you?

Get out. Get out.

He's got a new wife.

Right now, he's riding in a pickup
truck with a shotgun and a dog.

Listen, listen. We needed
you here yesterday.

All right? Yes? Come on.
Get your ass out here.

The president wonders about
the possible Albanian backlash.

You can't have a war without an enemy.

We could have one, but it
would be a very dull war.

How long do we need him here for?

We're done in 11 days.

Eleven days, John. We need you.

You want to write a song for us?

Is there gonna be a
back end on this thing?


Is there gonna be a
back end on this thing?

What? Back end?

Yeah. You know.
Percentage points, money.

Yeah, count on it.

Where is the back end coming from?

Lots of cash, John.

- It's like a thing with yellow ribbon.
- Thing with the yellow ribbon?

- Yeah. The hostages.
- Hostages?

They tied the yellow
ribbons around everything.

Yeah. But that was a
naturally occurring...

That was a put-up job?

All right. Grace! Grace!

Yes. What?


I want you to get Johnny a ticket. OK?

- Fad King on two.
- Ok.

He's riding in a pickup truck
right now with a shotgun and a dog.

Are you shitting me?

King, listen, got a thing
here, product placement.

Of course there's a back end.

- It can't be a ribbon.
- What's wrong with a ribbon?

Because, AIDS has the
yellow ribbon thing.

Fuck ribbons.

Look. Canada. Ok? Our
neighbor to the north...

...all of a sudden transformed
into that place from whence...

...like the north wind, terror comes.

I like that. Keep
talking. That's what...

What guards us against Canada?

I guard the Canadian border.

Mounties guard the border. Mountie hats.

Stupid fucking hats.

What? Davy Crockett had a
hat. We may have a fortune.

You could crush them and
put them in your pocket.

You can't put a mountie hat in your pocket.
You need a pocket the size of fucking Detroit.

You see this? This is what producing is.

You put me in a room
with talent...electric.

You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking
armbands. That's what I'm thinking.

- Armbands is good.
- I'm thinking... I'm thinking green. OK? Not like Kelly green.

Last year, the number one selling
color in new cars in America was green.

- People like green.
- Hunter.

Hunter green. Strong, pride, dignity.

But not Kelly green.
You know what I mean?

I like it with a hat.
What if we had a hat...

- Maybe. That could be.
- You see that?

Sit on my lap if you love me...

...but don't put your hand down there.

I didn't mean...

We'll take a short nap.

See, I just thought you should see it.

I don't think it should be a song.

- I'm glad that your mama's not here.
- He misunderstood.

No, no, no. I mean if
you do a song about it.

I just thought it was funny.

Sit on my lap...

I don't think it's appropriate
for what we're doing.

I just meant for you to see it.

I guard the Canadian border.

The president spent the
weekend pressing the flesh.

He wasn't campaigning.
He was dating, actually.

Connie, change this. Thank you.

Behind the mention of Albania,
of his stomach flu...

...taking refuge these scant
days away from the election.

Young girl in rubble.

She was driven from her home
by Albanian terrorists. Ok?

- It is her we are mobilizing to defend.
- Yes.

- Or is it she?
- It is her we are mobilizing.

- Can we get her a kitten?
- Yeah.

Young girl in rubble with a kitten.

Good. That's good.

OK. See. This is too static.

Young girl running from the village.

More energy.

Time to face these terrible charges...

...to answer all of these questions.

- What's this, Stanley?
- It's head shots.

Girls to you know, play the victim
you know, in our news footage.

OK. Write this down.

Young girl running from
village towards camera.

Grainy, hand-held, you
know, news footage.

Send it to everyone.

What do you think of these
people? I like the sorrowful one.

What the hell is this again?

Young Albanian girl
running from her home.

I like this broad right here.

Where? No. Yours is too Texan.

We're locked into Albania. Why?

Albania's hard to rhyme.

What are you looking at me for?

It's the name of the country.

Albanian. Albanian.

That rhymes.

- John Belushi?
- Jim.

Jim Belushi.

- Jim Belushi what?
- Albanian.

Jim Belushi's Albanian?

Sure, it's thing you
know. Are you kidding?

Anybody know who's ever eaten
in an Albanian restaurant?

- Is there such a thing an Albanian restaurant?
- Has to be. They have to eat.

- Is there a national dish?
- No. Nobody would know. We can make it up.

Jim Belushi is Albanian.

What time is it?


Great idea.

To the men and women of the
303 detachment with their...

Leopard skin.

With their berets.

How about all black?

That's good.

Half black, half leopard...

...wear it on your head.

Half black, half leopard...

...wear it to your head.

I guard the American dream.

I guard the American dream.

Everybody's always in
a hurry these days.

If they're not rushing somewhere...

...there'll be changing something
that doesn't need changing.

That's why I'm glad we're
standing behind the president.

Sure we are. It just makes good sense.

You don't want to change
horses in midstream.

Why are they sticking with
this age-old horseshit?

Why are they sticking with
the same old garbage?

- Who hires these people?
- I feel insulted just having seen it. You know what I mean?

- It's offensive.
- Poorly costumed.

New York Times, Washington
Post: War. War. War.

Times got the Firefly Girl
in the Style section.

Post on page 12.

It's good. Hello?

It's very important. Listen up, Connie.

It's all war. You're doing good.

Would you vote for that person
based on that commercial?

- You know, I don't vote.
- Why don't you vote?

Last time I vote when that one time Major
League Baseball started the fans voting...

...I voted for Boog Powell on
first base. He didn't get in it...

...and it just disappointed
me. Stayed with me.

It's futile.

You've never voted for president?

No. Do you vote?

No. I always vote for
the Academy Awards...

...but I never win.

Liz, do you vote? Do you vote?

No. I don't vote. I
don't like the rooms.

Too claustrophobic. I
can't vote in small places.

- It's about that time.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

We got the Albanian girl with a
cat, with a kitten, and with a dog.

But I don't want a dog.
I asked for a kitten.

I understand that, but the
pet wrangler suggested...

I think I need to speak to the president
before you decide on the animal.

You don't understand. Can't they
find me a kitten? Listen to me.

Albanian terrorists
have a staging area...

...for their atomic workshop.
That's why she's fleeing.

Listen this. Just follow this. What if it
wasn't Albania? Let's say it was Italy?

I can get a lot of cash if it's Italy.
Listen this concept. "The boot."

"Give them the boot." What
if a shoe was the fad?

OK. The little girl is
coming toward the camera.

What does she have in
her hands? A kitten.


Albania doesn't do anything for me.

I think that's the problem.

- We're locked into Albania.
- Why is that?

The president's gonna go to war
with Albania in about 30 minutes.

Declaring war on Albania?

No. We're not declaring
war. We're going to war.

We haven't declared
war since World War II.

- We're going to war?
- We're going to war.

This late-breaking news
just in from Air Force One.

The president of the United States...

...has said that he apologizes
for the need for secrecy...

...and he assures that
it is necessary...

...for the safety of the
men and women in combat.

He says that the Republic of Albania...

...long a staging ground for
terrorism around the world.

He has mentioning a state of
war is or is about to happen...

...between the United States
and the Republic of Albania.

How many kittens do we have, Grace?

There ought to be kittens
a-plenty, Stanley. I had a call.

All right, people. Let's get started.



Hello. My name is Stanley Motss.
I'll be your producer this morning.

What I would like you to do,
Miss... What is your name?

Tracy Lime.

Tracy, stand against that wall,
and on my signal "action"...

...I want you running
toward me, screaming.

- Can we get you anything?
- I'm fine.

How about a cup of tea?
A little milk, low fat?

You Ok?

OK. Fine. Let's just try
one. I wanna we just try.

Is this a national? Is that the case?

- Well, it's a little bit...
- It's a direct buy-out.

Yeah. Why just have your
agent... What the hell is this?

What is this, a menagerie?
I want kittens.

I can't wait to put this on my resume.

I just want kittens.

Tracy, can I talk to
you for a minute please?

This is a special kind of situation.
It's a funny kind of situation.

Well, Sir. We have a schnauzer
and what appears to be...

It's a Lhasa apso.

Lhasa apso?

It couldn't have been simpler. Kittens.

What you got here is basically a cross
between a dog and what a substantially...

No. I don't wanna cross.
I just want kittens.

Absolutely, sir. Absolutely.
The president wants a kitten.

No. I want a kitten.

Well. Get a kitten.

Get rid of all the dogs
and keep the kittens.

Miss. Excuse me.

I'm gonna have to have you sign
this little sheet of paper here.

Well, my agent would be real
real miffed with me if I...

This doesn't have to do with your deal.

This is your security clearance.

Right there.

Nice signature. Thank you, Tracy.

Nice meeting you, Tracy.

This is a nice one.

No, no. But that's not a kitten.
That's a cat. These are kittens.

They just wanted to
give you some options.

Yes, but it's too confusing. That
guy keeps pushing the Lopso opso.

Lhasa apso.

- Things in the mix. We'll do it optically.
- We're gonna do it digitally.

OK. Let's try to shoot one.

- Stacey?
- Tracy.

I want you to stand over right here.

OK? Here you go. Right there.

- These are chips.
- Yeah.

Hold the bag when you run.

We need it for the arm position.
On screen, it'll be a kitten.

Can I hold the kitten?

No. We'll punch it in
later. Right there.

You're gonna punch the kitten later?

- Yes.
- Why?

For a wider set of options.

A wider option of what?

Of kittens.

Sir, all kidding aside, when this goes
national, I get to put it on my resume?

Actually, no.

Because... What is it, a guild
thing or something? I mean...

You can never tell anyone you did this.

What could they do me?

They'd come to your house and kill you.

The president.

Stop the makeup. She's
been raped by terrorists.

- She's not pale enough.
- Jump out, please.

They're starting to shoot now...

...and they're gonna do
the kitten thing optically.

That's right, Mr. President.

I don't know how they do
the kitten optically...

...but they know what they're doing.

Sir, she's not an illegal
immigrant, is she?

Could I see the contract, please?

Why is it so flat?

Because the president cannot
employ an illegal immigrant.

- Let's use more spray.
- Cover up.

Let's keep working people!

Are we getting there?

OK. Good. Put the village behind her.

Gimme some flames.

How about some screaming?

Screaming's good.

Some sound of screaming.

- What might be good is ooh-ahh sirens.
- What the hell is ohh-ahh?

You know. Anne Frank.

OK. That's good.

Find us the Anne Frank sirens.

That's chilling. That's good.

That's giving me goose bumps.

Find us the ooh-ahhs.

We're gonna be back in Washington when?

We'll be back tonight.

Tonight is...

It seems that Senator Neal
has discovered something.

It makes no difference
about Senator Neal.

I don't care what Senator
Neal's got. We got a war.

Look at that girl.

Doesn't she look Albanian?

She looks like she was born
and raised in Albania.

I got an instinct for
casting. Don't ask me why.

OK. We're gonna do it again, sweetie.

- What's her name, Stacey?
- Tracy.

One more time, Tracy. You're
doing fine. You're doing fine.

Could she be running across a bridge?

She's running across a burning bridge.

- That looks good.
- That's beautiful.

Of course, we'll need some water.

Is it a stream?

No, I think...

- A pond?
- No, I think...

I think it's a calico kitten.

She's running across with a kitten.

Can we have a calico kitten? Please.

Floyd, punch in a calico kitten.

I have 19 screens here.

I can't see one calico kitten.

The thinking is as of this moment
a small calico kitten, sir.

- Calico kitten.
- OK.

We have a small calico
kitten, sir. Calico.

- What?
- He wants a white one.

He wants a white one?

Let me talk to him.

He's mobilizing the sixth fleet.

Connie, can I please talk to him?

He's mobilizing the sixth fleet.

I hate it when they start to meddle.

Can we have a white one?

He wants a white one.

Thank you.

Are we ready yet?

How soon you think we will
able to get this cut?

We're gonna be done in 4 or 5 hours.

That's good. We can leak
that to the press...

...they can downlink it on
Tel star 401, transporter 21.

Makes you glad you've lived this long.

This just in newsbreak a special
report from the Albanian front.

We've just received information that...

...the young Albanian national
fleeing in this video...

...is attempting to escape
terrorist reprisals in her village.

America has seldom witnessed...

...a more poignant
picture of the human race.

- Fantastic.
- That was good.

They used the same process...

...with the last Schwarzenegger movie.

- Fantastic.
- Isn't that amazing how they do that?

You know what, Conrad? This
is only the beginning.

Wait till we get the song.

Then you got the song, the image,
the merchandising tie-ins.

You know. This is only the beginning.

- We were right. You're the man.
- You're the man.

- To the beginning.
- To the beginning.
- To the beginning.

Got your car.

I hate it when they
send these long ones.

- Did you make the turn OK?
- Not a problem.

I'm sorry, Conrad. You
think it's too ostentatious?

Just fine. I'll stretch out.

- OK. Good. Just make due.
- OK.

I'll see you in Nashville.

Go to the two-tone hat.

I don't care. You work it out.

You must have had similar
situations in the past.

There are unconfirmed reports at
this time from a reliable source...

...that things are in motion.

What I'm hearing and this is a quote...

"The president is looking for a swift...

...painless, and victorious
conclusion to the war."

However, the source
will not go on record.

All I can tell you is this
comes from the highest level.

New York Times, Washington Post...

...Detroit Register, Sacramento Bee...

...all in remission. No mention
of the Firefly Girl. None.

10 days to go. Big Bird
touches down when?

We bring him tomorrow at 5 a.m.

Anything at the airport?

The press thought no. What do you think?

Here's what I think. Is it gonna rain?

Can you give me the weather
tomorrow morning? Andrews, 5 a.m.?

A young Albanian girl...

...dressed in her... whatever.

Is there some festival
some harvest festival...

...an Albanian harvest
festival, something like that?

Get on this right away. Find me an harvest
festival. Albanian harvest festival.

There's gotta be something.

Anyway, she gives him the
sacred whatever it is...

...telling him this is a
sacred traditional offering...

...given to the man who
ties the first sheaf...

...the last sheaf, who
the fuck knows what sheaf?

This is good. Is she
saying this in Albanian?

She's speaking in Albanian...

...because this is the only
way it can be understood...

...by her sacred,
sainted, and aged mother.

We're picking them up now.

Now the old lady starts to speak.

"You have brought peace
not only to this... "

No, no. The child speaks.

A face of innocence, no cynicism.

The child says...

Are you getting this?

Now, the old broad starts
to break down and cry.

Big Bird shrugs off his secret
service, goes over there...

...covers her with his
own coat, end of story.

Can you find out if there is any chance we could
get some rain at Andrews tomorrow? Thank you.

How is Big Bird holding up by the way?

He's good.

He does want to know... Forget about the
office. What does your fellow Motss want?

I don't know. Ambassador to Togo.

No rain tomorrow at Andrews, but
we do have a rain at Boca Raton.

Then direct the plane to Boca.

OK. Connie says let's
divert the plane to Boca.

What's happening?

Can I help you?

What's the problem?

We're really in a rush here.

Do you know who we are?

I'm afraid that's the
trouble, Miss Ames.


What am I gonna do?

I have a three-year-old daughter...

...eventually headed for orthodonture.

Oh, God. Now that the CIA knows,
I'm gonna lose everything...

...my career, my reputation.
What am I gonna do?

Brazen it through.

Took you long enough?

We found them as soon as we could, sir.

All right.

After I'm done with them,
what do they want me to do?

Lug them back to the district
or dump them in the country...

...let the FBI trip over them?

Legal department says you pick.

Depends on what we want to do with them.

This is a newsbreak special
report on the war in Albania.

We've just received more details...

...of the young Albanian girl
seen running for her life.

The young girl was trying to escape
after hearing her family was killed.

Apparently, there was a
family connection in Canada.

Two things I know to be true...

...there's no difference between
good flan and bad flan...

...and there is no war.

Guess who I am.

I would like to point out that
I am under medical care...

...and taking medication, side
effects of which have a little bit...

Quite touching.

I also take this opportunity...

...to suggest that, equally,
I admit to nothing...

...and I would like my lawyer present.

We show, and NSA confirms...

...there are no nuclear
devices on the Canadian border.

There are no nuclear devices in Albania.

Albania has no nuclear capacity.

Our spy satellites show no secret
terrorist training camps...

...in the Albanian hinterland.

The border patrol, the
FBI, the RCMP report...

...no... repeat... no
untoward activity...

...along our picturesque
Canadian border.

The Albanian government
is screaming its defense.

The world is listening.

There is no war.

Of course, there's a war. I'm
watching it on television.

Who might you be? What
you all said and done?

- My name is Conrad Brean.
- Who do you work for?

Nobody whose name you want me to
say, Mr. Young. I promise you.

So well and good, but when
the fit hits the shan...

...somebody has to stay after school.

Who do you suppose that might be?

I don't know what you're talking about.

The spy satellites show it, Mr. Brean.

They show no war.

Then what good are they
if they show no war?

I mean, why we spend a quarter trillion
dollars a year on defense department?

What good are they if they show nothing?

Are they useless or
just broken? Or what?

I would like to point out further...

...that these medications
taken in conjunction...

If there's no threat,
then where are you?

Let me go one more. If there's
no threat, what good are you?

Mr. Brean, you are the threat.

I'm the threat? I am the threat?

What have I been doing
the last 30 years...

...that you haven't been doing.
You wanna me fool in on that?

The last 30 years, Mr. Brean...

...I have been working to ensure
the security of my country.

I'm sure that speaks well
of you and your parents...

...but if forced to choose between
the security of your country...

...and the security of your
job, which would you pick?

While you hesitate,
permit me to suggest...

...that they are one in the
same. Your country and your job.

I'm doing my job, Mr. Brean.
That's what you see me doing.

I'm doing my job, too.

Let me ask you something. Let
me ask you a simple question.

Why do people go to war?
Why they go to war?

- I'll play your silly game.
- OK. Why they go to war?

To ensure their way of life.

- Would you fight to do that?
- I have.

If you went to war again,
who would it be against?

Your ability to fight a
two-ocean war against who?

Sweden and Togo?

That time has passed. It's over.

The war of the future
is nuclear terrorism.

It'll be against a small
group of dissidents...

...who, unbeknownst perhaps to
their own governments, have...

To go to that war, you
have to be prepared.

You gotta be alert. The
public has gotta be alert...

...because that is the
war of the future...

...and if you're not gearing
up to fight that war...

...then eventually the ax will
fall. You'll be out in the street.

You can call this a drill,
call this job security...

...call it anything you
like, but I got one for you.

You go to war to preserve
your way of life.

Chuck, this is your way of life.

And if your spy satellites
don't see nothing...

...if there ain't no war...

...then you can go home and
take up golf my friend...

...'cause there ain't no war but ours.

Thank you.

- Drive carefully.
- Bye bye.

Nice enough people.

They just hadn't thought it through.

You talked us out of there.

No, no. We just got delayed.
We're going to Nashville.


I said you could talk
a dog off a meat truck.

Thank you.

No, no, no. We just got stuck. It's ok.

All systems five-by-five.
See you in Nashville.

You saved our bacon.

It was just a phenomenal performance.

You turned them around. You
turned them around like a...

They just hadn't thought it through.

He's moving across the tarmac.

But it appears something has
distracted the president...

...and he has stopped moving
toward the waiting motorcade.

I appears there's a little girl...

...trying to speak to the president.

It seems she's speaking
in... Is it Albanian?

Can we get someone to translate?

Dan, I think what she is saying...

...is that this wheat offering
is sort of ceremonial...

...and that it is the first sheaf...

...the first cut of the harvest.

I'm not proficient in Albanian...

...but the old woman is quite taken...

...as the president is
offering her the coat.

It is quite an emotional moment here.

There comes a time in the
course of human events...

...when a threat must be answered
with courage and strength.

Our forefathers earned
the right to be free.

Now it's time to guard their dream.

We guard our American borders.

We guard the American dream.

We guard our right to
fight for democracy...

...and keep our country free.

We guard our American spirit.

We guard the American dream.

Our country's built on
the rock of liberty.

And we, as people must keep it free.

It is for life...


...the pursuit of happiness...

...freedom, 'tis of thee.

We guard our American borders.

We guard the American dream.

I loved the fat, wet Albanian broad.

Thank you.

You know why? It was understated.

You got lucky with the rain, too.

We had to divert the
plane to Boca Raton.

You should have come to
me. We have rain machines.

I'm a producer. I make rain.

Next time.

I have just gotten word...

...that the situation in
Albania is resolved...

...that it is resolved.

The CIA confirms...

...that our troops along
the Canadian border...

...and overseas are standing down.

I must take this opportunity to
call upon our president to say...

What does he mean, the
situation has been resolved?

He just ended the war.

He ended the war?

Why did he have to do that?

I think the CIA has
just cut a better deal.

He ended the war?

He can't end the war.

He's not producing this.

This is in bad taste.

Can we stop this?

Stop. It's over.

Can we stop this? Can we stop this?

Stop the choir.

It has been quite a week, Richard.

I can't remember when any
president of United States...

...was hit with the flu, a war...

...and accused of sexual
misconduct by a teenage girl...

...all in the same seven-day period.

This, of course, only days
before he runs for reelection.

We've just received information
from sources at the CIA...

...that confirms the
cessation of hostilities...

The CIA.

I thought they let us out too easily.

The war's over.

It's over. I saw it on television.

I have to sell my house.

The war is not over.

No. The war is not over. I saw it on TV.

That's what you hired me for.

The war isn't over until
I say it's over. Ok?

This is my picture. This
is not the CIA's picture.

You think you're in a tight spot now.

All right, Conrad. Try making The
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

- Tell it to him, King.
- Three of the horsemen died.

Hear what he's saying? Three
of the horsemen died...

...two weeks before the end
of principal photography.

This is nothing. This is nothing.

This is just Act One, "The War."

Now, we really do need
an Act Two, so we work.

Act Two.

- You know what it's like?
- What?

The Japanese. In the caves.

- Go on.
- Okinawa.

They didn't believe the war was over.

That's right. So, now we have
a guy who doesn't believe...

No, no. We have an American serviceman.

A brave American
serviceman is left behind.

A hero.

Oh, my God. I can't believe
it. What was I thinking?

We had a war. We forgot the hero.

You can't have a war
and not have a hero.

It's like we sent a Christmas card...

...and left out the...
What do you call it?

- Fruitcake.
- There you go.

All right. Let's work. Ok?

We got a guy who's left behind, so...

This is terrific. This
is lucky this happened.

He was left behind,
who just discarded...

...like an old shoe.

That's good. That's good.

What's good? What did I say?

- Shoe.
- Old shoe?

It's just instinct.

I want you to give me the Pentagon...

...a list of people in all
military special programs.

"Left behind like an
old shoe." That is good.

I want to talk to Johnny.

Yeah... What is it?

The war is over. Ok?

Now, we're going to need a new song.

I think, it should be a song
about a shoe, a shiny shoe...

...a black patent shoe...

...a good old shoe.

I was just on my way to get drunk.

Yes, you get drunk, John. But I need
a new song, ok? A good old shoe song.

It should be a ballad of loss and...

- You wanna to help me?
- Redemption.

Loss and redemption is very very good.

Shit. What key do you want it in?

I don't know keys.

I got a lot of people here are
depressed because the war just ended.

Please give me a new song.

All right. I got him on the phone.

- King? - Yeah.
- Pentagon.

Take it.

I need a list of military
special programs.

Bottom of the ninth. All right?

They don't know who
they're playing with.

They don't shut down our picture.

You people gonna be long?

Otherwise, I'll put away the equipment.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I think I'm supposed
to be writing a song.

Writing a song? What kind of song?

Is there anybody there named Schumann?

- Schuster?
- Schumacher.

I got a great idea.

Johnny, I got an idea.
Old shoe, new shoe. OK?

Daddy had a hound dog...

...used to call him Blue.

Follow me 'round...

...stick to me like glue.

His favorite thing to play with...

...used to be a good ol' shoe.

Wait a minute. Used to be.

See, you hit that 16-16.

Well, I wish I had a woman...

...who was half as good and true.

Anybody here know Morse code?

What you gonna do Morse code?

Give me the fax.

Sergeant William Schumann, U.S. Army...

...serial number 2131284262.

Good ol' shoe.

Here's the deal.

Good Ol' Shoe. Good Ol' Shoe.

Whatever you walk in...

...he will get you through.

He's in a sweater...

...and he's...

We drop him behind enemy lines.

He's trapped.

The sweater.

- In the sweater.
- Good.

Is there a way we can make
it sound old and scratchy...

...with, like, a hiss?

With an old label.

I see where you're going with this.

Stand up straight and tall...

...the way he taught you to.

I'll write a speech.

I'll help you with the speech.

The president reveals
that William Schumann...

...was trapped behind enemy lines.

This is good.


- Touching.
- Touching.

People will weep.

Soul of a good ol' shoe.

He might even get to heaven...

...on the soul of his good ol' shoe.

All right, here's the
speech. President's speech.

Put this in the Library
of Congress right away.

Folk music section, 1930.

Right away, please.

Get it in the Library of Congress now.

Oh, God.

Who's seeing the guy
from the CBS tonight?

Tonight, you remember some song
from the folk song days...

...something about a good old shoe.


You're with him watching
the president's speech...

What if he's busy tonight?

- Lure him.
- What are you saying?

What I am saying is I don't have
to be your confessor, darling.

Tell him you've got some info on
the president's sex scandal...

...it's on your conscience.

Believe me. He'll drop
whatever he's doing.

Folks, folks, this is a shitty business.

It needs no ghost comes from
the grave to tell us that...

...but, Lord willing,
eight days from now...

...I'm gonna be taking
you into the second term.

Wait till you hear the speech tonight.

The 303 speech. Great.

Where's that Fad King by the way?

I'll get him.

Could we go now please people?

A good plan today is better
than a perfect plan tomorrow.

Conrad, how are they doing
on Sergeant Schumann?

They're working on him,
they're finding him.

Good. It's working.

It's all happening people.
It's taking place around us.

People, it is in the works.
It is being addressed.

We are being proactive.

We are going out tonight with
what may be the finest example...

Get me an update on
the army, the Pentagon.

Get this guy Schumann. Put him on hold.

Have him standing by.

People I gotta tell you, I
see a lot of glum faces now.

Please don't be disconsolate.

This is politics at its finest.

This is where the rubber meets the road.

Now I'm gonna tell that we've
got a leader going out tonight...

...to 95 million American homes.

He's gonna turn this thing around.

You think this is tough?

I was 4 months into production
on The Song of Solomon...

...found out I didn't have the rights.

Turn it up. It's our spot.

Tough? This is nothing.

Will you look at that shit?

'Cause you don't change
horses in midstream.

Don't change horses.

This speech is good.

I mean, we're kinda locked
into it, Mr. President.

For the future of our families...

The music. Where did they get that?

- Pain in the ass.
- What? What? What?

- He won't do it.
- What do you mean he won't do it?
- He won't do the speech.

- What do you mean he won't do it?
- He won't do the speech.

What do you mean? What
choice does he have?

What do you mean he won't do the
speech? He won't do our speech?

He says it's corny.

It's what? It's corny? Corny?

Of course it's corny.

We wouldn't have him say
it if it wasn't corny.

It's not a question.

This is the center
for rest of the thing.

Don't tell me it's corny.

We're locked into the speech, right?

We're locked in.

We are playing way past this.

We are past this. OK.


This is what I need.

I want you to get me 30 secretaries
and put them in an office now.

Would you do that? You just
tell him I'm coming up.

I need to see the president
and five minutes of this time.

Speech is corny. Know
what this reminds me of?

Years ago, when I first
went out to Hollywood...

...they said to me,
"It's too theatrical."

You know I was from the theater. So, everything
was over their heads. It's too theatrical.

Not theatrical. He
thinks it's too corny.

Don't tell me the speech is corny.

Just tell him I'm comin'
up. I'm coming up.

My fellow Americans, I
thank a merciful God...

...and I am sure each
and every one of us...

...will thank that Supreme Power...

...whatever we conceive
that power to be...

...that peace is at hand.

The threat of nuclear
terrorism has been quelled.

Mr. President, I'm using a
little more projection...

...because I think this speech
needs a little bit a "umph".

Bear with me.

Thank you so much.

That was so moving.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

You konow, Connie? I felt
very much at home in there.

Simple quirk of fate.

I could have gone this way.

It's all a change in wardrobe.

So, what do you think? Was it too much?

I'll tell you, Stanley.

- You did it.
- Yeah.

You did it. You jumped in there...

...and saved the thing when
the thing needed saving.

You don't think it was too much?


Maybe it was.

Of course the president doesn't
have to say it that way, Connie.

It's like Plato once said.

It doesn't matter how the fuck you
get there as long as you get there.

He said that?

Connie, what is it exactly
you do for the president?

My fellow Americans, I
thank a merciful God...

...and I'm sure all of us will
thank that Supreme Power...

...whatever we conceive
that power to be...

...that peace is at hand.

The threat of nuclear
terrorism has been quelled.

We are in contact with
the Albanian premier...

...who assures me and...

...this government
credits his assurances...

...that his country
does not wish us ill.

Know any Latin?

I, Claudius. That's what I know.

I need a Latin motto for the patch.

The 303 patch.

...by a designation number, 303.

A member of the group was left
behind, what were then, enemy lines.

And I can only say to those
family members of Group 303...

...whose members are,
I know as I speak...

...gathering to comfort you.

To the parents of the missing man...

...I can only say no
effort will be spared...

...to find this brave
man and bring him home.

We've just received this photograph
of Schumann in captivity...

...held by a dissident group
of Albanian terrorists.

Now, I don't know how many of you
are familiar with Morse code...

...but could you bring the
camera closer and here, please?

You'll see his sweater is worn.

It has been unraveled in places.

And those places form dashes and dots...

...and those dots spell out
a message in Morse code.

That message is, "Courage, Mom."

"Courage, Mom."

He got the message
through. "Courage, Mom."

Not bad for government work.

Having a good time?

Haven't had this much fun since live TV.

To the men and women of Unit 303...

...to my fellow citizens,
I say, "Courage, Mom."

I have informed the Albanian
government that we will not rest...

...until the safe return
of Sergeant Schumann.

I'm told his unit mates gave
him the nickname "Old Shoe."

Wasn't there a folk
song called "Old Shoe?"

Do you remember that? Something like...

I don't know. I can vaguely remember it.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

"Old Shoe."

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Good night and God bless.

Trump that, Senator Neal, you
Howdy-Doody-looking vontz.

As we reported earlier, U.S.
Serviceman Willie Schumann...

...remains missing behind enemy lines...

It's all thinking ahead.

That's what producing is.

- It's like being a plumber.
- Yes. It's like being a plumber.

Do your job right, nobody should notice.

When you fuck up, everything
gets full of shit.

...symbol of the military team...

...Sergeant William
Schumann, the "Old Shoe."

What do you say, we line up the
president for the Peace Prize?

Our job ends on election day.

Yes. But, come on.

Just for the symmetry of the thing?

That's right.

If Kissinger can win the Peace Prize...

...I wouldn't be surprised to wake up
and find out I'd won the Preakness.

Well, yes, but our guy did bring peace.

Yeah, but there wasn't a war.

All the greater accomplishment.

Where's the money...

Where's the tie-in with
throwing away the old shoes?

Who steps up and pays you for that?

You throw away the shoes.
What are you gonna do?

Buy new ones.

We have some powerful new friends...

...at the International
Association of Shoe Manufacturers.

See. You guys sure get around.

Fad King is my hero. Want to go first?


History, Connie.

Those are ratty shoes.

Yeah, that's why we're
flinging them away.

You want to try some? Go ahead.

Here. Do it again.

Go ahead. Have a ball.

Ok. Watch this.

Go on, tell your friends.

Well. This is interesting.

I have just been handed this.
Something just discovered.

A 1930s recording, part of
the folk song collection...

...of the Library of Congress...

...and a fitting song, if
I may say so, about Shoe.

You know Schumann is
the military soldier...

...who's been left behind enemy lines...

Jim, can I get a word with you, please?

Would you like to comment
the situation on Albania?

Yes, there is one thing I'd like to say.

This is to the Albanians that
have this man in custody.

I mean this from the bottom of
my heart as one of your race.

I didn't know Jim Belushi was Albanian.

The search for Willie
Schumann continues...

Tell Grace, as soon as we
land, I want a reflexologist.

Male or female?

- The Polish...
- The White House wants to know about...

...the Congressional Medal of Honor.

- What about it?
- For Schumann.

Wait a minute, wait.
We got 86% in favor.

We bring him back tomorrow,
charts go up, they don't go down.

I don't want to tell them
how to do their business...

...but why don't they do
it after the election?

Makes more sense, and
it'll help them more.

When are you bringing
him back? Schumann?

King, show him the thing.

- It's not done yet. I don't wanna show him.
- Show it to him.

Talk about enlarging the
market. Tell him, Faye.

Here it is. Artist's
rendering of the memorial.

The memorial?

That's the memorial of the fallen.

Of the Albanian campaign.

- Lovely.
- It's better than lovely.

This guy made a deal
with Governor Kneehigh...

- Senator Leahy.
- Right.

Connie, you have to see how much
granite you have to put in this thing.

We got a site picked out and everything.

And, the beauty part is...

...guess who retains the
merchandising rights.

- Show him the clock?
- Show him.

Got it as a clock.


- We gotta get going.
- When's Schumann coming back?

Getting him right now.

- I need his neck size.
- You gotta get his neck size.

I think it may be about 171/2.

You know, 171/2, thinking
is not good enough.

I'm an artist, not a factory worker.

What did he eat behind enemy
lines when he's trapped?

Birds, snakes.

Bullshit. He ate tiny
cheeseburgers in tin foil.

Pull a string, they heat themselves, ok?

We call Burger King, Johnny Rockets.

We get the Shoe Burger with
cheese and 303 sauce...

"Behind enemy lines or anytime."

- Good.
- Good? That's good.

That's the slogan.

And I got the copyright on
the Albanian kitten thing.

I'm gonna call Nike, get Rodman
to dye his hair leopard skin.

We'll have a sneaker... "Air Leopard."

...a high school basketball
game last night...

...between Montgomery
Bell and Blair Park.

Students, during the game...

...in spontaneous moment
of sheer patriotism...

...threw their tennis shoes on
the court by the hundreds...

...just for the Old Shoe.

Bring him back. William
Schumann, soldier...

There's no business like it.

Demonstrations are springing
up all over the country...

...as American people continue
to show their patriotism.

You ought to get them to run
that inaugural speech by me.

Inaugural speech? I don't know.

The White House staff gonna be
jealous by given up that one.

Come on, Connie. Let me
close out the thing in style.

I've come to feel it's my thing.

You take a job, you take a job, and
many times, it's just a job, you know.

And then... You know what I mean?

Hell of a ride, Stanley. Hell of a ride.

Isn't it? Isn't it?

You know, you take the
bitter with the sweet...

...or the sweet with the bitter.

What's that expression?

...feeling good about the economy.

That's why we're voting
for the president, Ed.

What do you think?

Well, Bob, my mind wasn't
100% made up, but now it is.

I say, don't go changing
horses in midstream.


Who needs surprises these days?

For an economy you can rely on...

Fucking amateurs.

Pity of it is, two more days,
and we bring it all back home.

Knock wood.

And who's gonna know?

Who's gonna know what we did?

Pride of a job well done, Stan.

It's the pride of a job well
done, but it's more that, Stanley.

It's the gratitude of your
party and your president, right?

- Is that the thing?
- Indeed it is. Indeed it is.

Dean City, Oklahoma.
Army special programs.

Tell 'em to bring Schumann to the plane.

We'll bring him back and
stash him in the hospital.

Call the plane. Tell me
where to pick him up.

I bet you're good at chess.

I would be, I could remember
how all the pieces move.

Ok. So, we'll call you. Ok.

I'll do the same in His great name...

...if you have courage, Mom.

I can always feel your love.

Send, and I'll receive.

Units of 303, the Defense Department...

...confirmed early this
morning, Albanian time...

...stormed the mountain
hideaway near the city of...

...freeing a tired but
happy William Schumann.

A high White House source confirms...

...that he's expected in
Washington tomorrow morning.

How's that?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

So, when we touch down tomorrow...

...Big Bird's gonna meet
Schumann at the airport?

Big mistake. Big mistake. You
got to bring him in by stages.

Big mistake to reveal
Schumann before the election.

How so?

Sweetheart, Schumann is the shark. Ok?

Schumann is Jaws.

You know, you have to tease
'em. You gotta tease 'em.

You don't put Jaws in the
first reel of the movie.

It's the contract, sweetheart.

The contract with the election,
whether they know it or not...

...is vote for me Tuesday...

...Wednesday, I will produce Schumann.

That's what they're paying
their seven bucks for.

Know what I mean?


Everybody's gotta learn.

Any business.

You take the fruit of 40 years...

...hard lessons, mistakes,
and you call it wisdom.

That's the truth.

End of the day, just when
you know something...

...time to go home.

Stanley, you got decades in you now.

You got decades left in you.

Yeah, but...

What could I do to top this?

The 37th Psalm.

I'll do the same in His great name...

...if you have courage, Mom.

You see her? That was real tears.

We were gonna give her those drops.

- She cried.
- Really?

- She cried real.
- It looks it.

Pray for me...

...and the USA.

Pray they never use the bomb.

What are you going to do after this?

They owe you big,
Stan. They owe you big.

Ambassador to this or that, whatever.

Ambassador to what?

I don't even like to go to Brentwood.

That's what I want.

That's it. That's my reward.

That's the payoff.

You want to go to the Inaugural?

Might if I was asked.

You know, Connie? This
here, Schumann and us...

Look at that. King
Kong and the trainers.

This is it.

I'm standing here for this picture
of Sergeant Willie Schumann.

He's become known to Americans simply
as the Old Shoe. He is a war hero...

This is gonna be a masterpiece.

Giving them what they want.

...from his Group 303 and left
behind in enemy territory.

- Here at Andrews Air Force Base...
- Here it comes.

...they prepare for the
return of Willie Schumann.

Sergeant Schumann, if I
may, welcome to history.

Sergeant Schumann, I'm Ames. Welcome.

Somebody named Brean?

Yeah. Right here.

Sign here for me, please, sir.

Captain, you want to
take her up, please?

There's heavy weather back east.

What do you think?

6 to 5 and pick 'em.
You want to chance it?

If it'll fly, let's fly.
People are waiting for.

A child at the airport
breaks through the ranks...

...runs to Old Shoe, rubs
meat on Schumann's cuff.

A little dog runs to it.
The dog loves Schumann.

He is a perfect war hero.


You cast him.

All right. Book it up.

What's this?

Keys to the manacles.

Oh, my God.

Wait. Wait. What do you...
Wait. Just wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

What is the trouble?

No trouble at all, ma'am.

Then why is he in chains?

He's in chains because he's a convict.

A convict?

How you doing?

Take a look.

All right, well. When we
asked for special programs...

...they gave us special prisons.

Only a one-word difference.

- Has he been in jail long?
- 12 years.

Does he have much longer to serve?

What did he do?

- He raped a nun.
- Oh, God. Oh. God. Je... Oh, God.

- And...
- I don't want to know an "and."

Why is there an "and"?

Look, look, look. He's fine as
long as he gets his medications.

And if he doesn't get his medications?

He's not fine.

Yeah, Captain. Yeah, Captain.

You'd better get us to Washington.

How are ya?


Gonna get me back tomorrow?

'Cause, you know, tomorrow
they're having beans.

I need a real readjustment.
We have to rethink this.


William. Yes. We're
trying to do this thing.

- As long as you get me back for the beans.
- For the beans, yes.

He's a lot sicker than we thought.

Rush him under wraps to Walter
Reed for serious tests.

If you're gonna keep me out, I can
like the chance to go to church.

You know what I mean?

Are you very religious?

What have you done to me?

What have you done to me?

All combat takes place
at night in the rain...

...at the junction of four map segments.

What are you going to do?

He's fine as long as he
gets his medication.

Well, speaking of that, we're
gonna need lots of this stuffs.

Why don't you get on
the phone and get it?

I think, you people are
looking at this all wrong.

If you look at the back story...

...the guy is coming back
from combat and torture...

...of course he's going
to be a little fucked up.

Of course he's gonna need a little help.

Anybody want a beer?
'Cause I could party.

I'm gonna need an ambulance.

We take him the last
moment from the plane.

No, no, no. We land, take him from the
plane. We put him in the ambulance.

Air Force jet lands, we take
somebody else from that jet.

What the fuck do I care?

Somebody in a hospital gown.

You get me back for the beans.

You know, 'cause tomorrow's the beans.

'Cause this dog ain't gonna hunt.

Oh, no. He's gonna be fine.

Aren't you, William?

Speaking of which, I have a prescription
and I wanna give you the number.

I want you standing by
with a lot of this stuff.

A crate of it. It's...


Anti-psychotic. The number
is V... Hello? Hello?

This is nothing.

The old days, I used to
think I was a pharmacist...

...the stuff I had carrying around.

With the beans, you can tell if
they're puttin' stuff in it.

So you don't have to fear it.

What kind of stuff?

Yeah. Hello? Hello? Are you around?

What do you mean, what kind of stuff?

- No. What kind of stuff?
- What do you mean?

He just wanted to know what
you meant. He didn't mean.

Did you mean?

- I didn't mean. No. Not at all.
- He didn't mean.

- He didn't mean anything.
- You meant something. What do you mean?

No, no, no. He didn't mean anything.

Give him another pill.

What the fuck do you
mean, what kind of stuff?

Pill, William.

This is nothing. Did
you ever shoot in Italy?

Try three Italian starlets
swacked-out on Benzedrine and grappa.

This is nothing.

This is a walk in the park.

Who are you?

Who are you sons of bitches?

- Killers!
- Just calm down.

Where are you taking me?
Where are you taking me?

Oh, my God!

Sergeant Willie Schumann is coming home.

Schumann's plane should be
somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean...

...making its final descent
back into this country.

The White House reported...

...he was safely rescued and on
his way back to American soil.

We're still waiting for
his plane to land...

...at Andrews Air Force Base.

A plane that is due to
land. Long overdue.

The president is monitoring
the situation personally...

...and closely.

We will keep you updated
as to any developments.

Thank you very much.

Oh, God. What do we do now?

What do we do now, boy producer?

Mister win-an-Emmy,
social-conscience, whale-shit...


...fuckin'- hire-a-convict shithead?

What do we do now, liberal,
affirmative action, shithead...

...peacenik commie fuck?
What do you wanna do now?

This is nothing. Piece of cake.

Producing is being a samurai warrior.

They pay you day in,
day out for years...

...so that one day, when called upon...

...you can respond, your
training at its peak...

...and save the day!

Produce this Schumann.

Produce him, I say...

...or, and I don't
hesitate to say this...

...rank him as just another in
a series of broken promises.

This tardy absence of the
flight must give us pause...

...and in that pause, we should
take time to examine ourselves...

Fuck you.

Leave it alone. What did
television do to you?

It destroyed the electoral process.

Ok. Enough lovemaking.
Let's go. Come on.

- Where?
- We got work to do, Winifred.

Come on, pal.

Is it time for exercise?

'Cause, you know. It's
my day in the yard.

Let's get him out to the highway.

You think this is tough? Come on, pal!

This is nothing! Piece of cake!

Albanian dissidents...

...having somehow obtained
a surface-to-air missile...

Connie, you had your fortune right here.

You were ready to throw it away.

Listen. If you got a problem,
solve it. That's producing.

Someday when they tell this story...

You can't tell this story.

- Why not?
- Somebody would have you killed.

Of course, I know.

Not now. Not now. But I mean,
when they do tell the story...

Nobody can tell this
story Stanley, ever.

Listen to me. This is
what I do for a living.

You can't tell this story.
He's not kidding with you.

You can't tell this
story. You knew that.

The deal was you get an ambassadorship.

I used to have a Camaro.

What the fuck kind of story are you going
to tell anyway? The guy's a nut case.

You would be too if you went
through what he went through.

He raped a nun.

What he went through in Albania.

He's doped to the gills.

Where's my little pills?

Show some compassion.

He spent the last 12 years
in a military prison.

How are we gonna explain that?

How we gonna explain it? Am I worried?

How do we explain that when
the world is watching?

Fuck the world. Try a 10
a.m. pitch meeting...

...coked to the gills, no sleeping,
haven't even read the treatment.

Connie, how we gonna explain
in fact he was in prison?

How you gonna explain that?
Well, you see, Winifred...

...this is where you've
never been at a pitch.

His records say he was in prison...

...as all the record say for all
the men and women of Group 303...

...as they must because
of the secrecy involved.

I'm on top of it.

Not sure whether enemy action...

I'm fine. I'm fine. I got it.

Stanley, I told you, I
do this for a living.

You do what for a living?

Exactly what do you
do for the president?

I lost my wallet. You got any change?

How we doing, boy?

Ready to mix it up?

Is today laundry day?

- What do you do on laundry day?
- Laundry.

Stand by to copy this.
Just get a pencil.

Down safely.

Produce this Schumann.

Produce him, I say, or, and I
don't hesitate to say this...

...rank him as just another in
a series of broken promises.

Sustained minor injuries.

Flight crew being investigated
for possible pilot error.

Transshipped to an undisclosed location.

This deserted runway should
be filled with well-wishers...

How you doing? A cold drink?

Schumann was to return to
American soil today...

...after his safe rescue in Albania.

He looks like me.

William Schumann deserves an
explanation from the White House.

Wait, we are now going
live to the White House.

I have an update regarding
the aircraft incident...

...involving Sergeant Schumann.

He is down safely and he
will be transshipped.

We are informed he has
sustained minor injuries...

...which will require his
being medicated for some time...

Bring in the cavalry. Nick of time.

You see that? Political
shitbirds. Fuck with us, huh?

They don't know who
they're playing with.


I'm a little concerned
about the driver of the rig.

- What rig?
- The harvester.

- What about him?
- He doesn't have his green card. He doesn't have his green card.

So what?

So, you want Schumann to be
rescued by an illegal alien?

We can't have Schumann saved
by an illegal immigrant.

Get on the phone. Fly in a judge.

Get on the phone. What's
all this moping about?

Do you have any change?

I like the night life, I like to boogie.



Susie, are you all right?

Susie, are you all right?


Susan, are you all right?

Let me talk to him!

Why did you drop...

I think we should...

Willie, where are you going?


Let me talk to him. Shoe, you in there?

I'll kill that son of a bitch.

I have a relationship.
Shoe, you want to talk?

Get you anything you
want. You want some beans?

Will that do it, Shoester?

Come on, Shoe!

Oh, God! He's dead.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

He's not dead. He's alive.

Strike that.

Oh, Jesus!

So close and yet so far.

What do you mean?

We were this close.

This is nothing. What
are you talking about?

This is nothing. This just got big.

Got big? Got big? He's dead. He's dead.

We killed Old Shoe.

And what is better than the
triumphal homecoming of a war hero?



We're gathered here...

...with a cross to bear.

The bravest men...


That this great land...

...will remain free.

God bless the men...

...of the 303.

Side by side...

...we know no fear.

Our minds are sharp.

Our eyes are clear.

In the air, on land...

...or on the sea...

...we're the fightin' men...

...of the 303.

Give us this day...

...our daily bread...

...and leopard skin...

...for our head.

That we may fight...


Yes, please.

Good. Good. Good. Looking good.

Bring it all back home.

Lassie barks twice, and it's
time to take out the garbage.

Hell of a show, Stan.

Hell of a job.

It's just producing. That's what it is.

You know, there's no
Academy Award for producing.

- You're kidding.
- There's no Academy Award for producing.

Where do movies come from if
nobody produces them, Connie?

They come from people like you.

Well, you know. You just got to
take the bitter with the better.

Job's almost done.

Knock on wood.

We did a good job.

That's our reward.

You know, you can't save the world.

All you can do is try.

Ain't that the truth?

And, as we said, the president...

...thrust of the Albanian
episode to put him over the top.

Yes. You could say that, Shirley,
but it's just simply just not true.

What would be true, then?

Well, you said it yourself
earlier, if I may rephrase...

...that the success of the
president in the polls...

- As of today, 89% favorable.
- 89% favorable...

...is based not on the events,
which of course we cannot control...

...but on the spin
given to those events.

What's the lesson here, Connie?
Never give up. Never give up.

You're right. You're right.

The show must go on.

Proud traditions.

I am prouder of this than
anything I ever did in my life.

You should be, Stan.

I want to thank you, Connie.

I want to thank you.

- You gave me a good opportunity.
- Thank you. Thank you.

And as we said, the president,
a surefire winner...

...and the campaign, many
said, that put him there.

Another great race today, Johnny.

Who are you going to ride in the Stakes?

Eddie, like my daddy
always used to say...

The message is irrelevant.

The main element here
we have to deal with...

...is the fact that fear is what's
driving a lot of people. Ok?

Yes. Commercials. Commercials.
Commercials. Commercials.

The president is a product.

Yes, the president is a product.

He's the President of the
United States of America. 89%.

Which we're dealing with today.

Commercials. Commercials.
Commercials. Commercials.

It's time the American people
began to take a look at that.

And, now we're going to
be taken your calls.

- The number is 1-800-555-0199.
- Oh, shit.

Stanley, what are you doing?

What am I doing?

I wanna call somebody up.

Stan, that's very funny.

I'm going to get these people straight.

You can't do that, Stanley.

Watch me.

Stan, you knew the deal
when you signed on.

Come on. Deals change.

Sure it is.

Let's rethink that ambassadorship.

I'm talking London. I'm talking Paris.

I'm talking a secret account
for your extra expenses...

...getting laid whenever you want.

Marine guards will
salute you all the time.

No. It's tempting, but I got
to answer to a higher calling.

- Art.
- Money?

Money? You think I did this for money?

I did this for credit. For credit.

You always knew you
couldn't take the credit.

That's one thing. But I'm
not going to stand here...

...and let two dickheads
from film school take it.

Stanley, listen to me.

Are you nuts?

- Stanley, no fooling.
- What?

You're playing with your life now.

Fuck my life. Fuck my life.

I want the credit. The credit.

Do you know what the New York
Times said about my last picture?

They called it "a thrill
ride for the ages..."

...but they didn't mention the producer.

They talked about the costumes...

...but never talked about the producer.

You know what that picture grossed?

Now I'm going to stand here...

...and let some limp-dick
film-school pansy...

...take the credit? What?

You can't do it.

Don't you tell me that!

Don't you ever tell me that!

I am the producer of this show!

If I didn't step up, you're nowhere!

I put this together
out of spit and polish!

Look at that.

That is a complete fucking fraud...

...and it looks 100% real.

It's the best work I've
ever done in my life...

...because it's so honest.

They told me I couldn't
remake Moby Dick...

...from the point of view of the whale.

$450 million domestic.

I'm not even talking about the video.

I made this lame turkey fly.

I did it... Pure Hollywood.

For once in my life, I
will not be pissed on.

Do you hear me?

I want the credit. I want the credit.

I'm taking it. Good bye.


He's coming down.

Connie, could I see you
here a minute? Thanks.

Do you swear to uphold...

...the duties and responsibilities...

...of a citizen of the
United States of America...

...to defend her in time of peril...

...to defend her from all
enemies, foreign and domestic?

Do you make this pledge
with full resolve?

Common ground...

...and family.

Let's give thanks to the 303.

Years from now...

...when we are gone...

...our children's kids...

...will hear this song.

Think how strong...

...and proud they'll be.

Grandpa fought...

...for the 303.

God bless the men of the 303.


Present arms!

And turning to the Hollywood page...

...famed film producer
Stanley R. Motss...

...died suddenly of a
massive heart attack...

...while sunbathing poolside.

Mr. Motss was 57 or 62-years-old...

...depending on the bio.

His credits include numerous films...

...which America has come
to love as old classics.

This just in.

A group calling itself
"Albania Unite"...

...has claimed responsibility
for the bombing moments ago...

...of the village of Klos, Albania.

The president was
unavailable for comment...

...but General William Scott of
the Joint Chiefs of Staff...

...says he has no doubt we'll
be sending planes and troops...

...back in to finish the job.