W.C. Fields and Me (1976) - full transcript

One of comedies true originals - the master of wit and good, mean fun, the curmudgeonly, and very original, the legendary W.C. Fiellds'is wonderfully portrayed by Rod Steiger in this off-beat biopic.

By early tomorrow morning,

the President,
Mr. Herbert Hoover,

will be in receipt
of a letter from me,
predicting...

CARLOTTA:
I was W.C. Fields' mistress
for many years.

And although
I hoped for more,

somehow or other,
things never changed.

He was born in Philadelphia
sometime in the early 1880s.

No one is sure
of the exact date,

because he changed it
all the time.

He was a great comedian.

Whether he was a great man,
I don't know,



unless greatness means
possessing every single
blessing and curse

known to mankind.

Something in his early life
made him that way.

because all I know
of the early years
was what he told me.

Today, in one
shattering blast,

this American's booze supply
was completely obliterated.

How long will it be, then,

before this nation runs out

of one of its most
precious treasures,

the American alcoholic?

(DOG BARKING)

(BOTTLE CLATTERING)

Hey, it's gin.

MAN:
Get the lights on, please.



Half a minute
to rehearsal.

MAN: Come on, props.
Get the goddamn dentist's
chair to right, will ya?

All right, come on.
Everybody on their marks.

All right.

WOMAN: Oh, Doctor.

Ah, yes,
mother and child.

A picture of
perpetual beauty.

Please relieve the lady
of the little nipper

and I shall proceed
into my palace of pain.

(MOANING)

Yes. Yes.

Well, we'll have to
look into that.
This way, please.

There you are,
make yourself comfortable.

Easy does it.
Don't damage anything.

Yes.

My, my, what a mammoth
pair of roots.

Might as well
tighten your faucets
while we're at it.

(CLICKING TONGUE
RHYTHMICALLY)

(BABY GURGLING)

Oh, yes,
what a robust
little rascal!

Oh, look how
he sucks
his cow juice.

Oh! (MUTTERING)

MAN: Fields.
What?

Come up here.
I want to see you.

I'll be up
in a minute.

That's for hitting me
too hard.

It was only a rehearsal,
you idiot.

Well, I'm sorry.
I just got
carried away.

That's 'cause I beat you
at pinochle.

It took you six months
to beat me.

That's because you cheat.
I am not a cheat.

I'll tell you something else.
Yeah?

You're the type
that makes it tough
for all midgets.

I am not a midget.
I am a little person.

Well, they're
the worst kind.

Melody!

Go change your clothes,
I want to go get a drink.

What the hell goes on
between you two, anyway?

Where've you been?
Ziegfeld's been
on my neck all day.

Are you my agent
or aren't you?

I've been at
the Winter Garden
with Al Jolson.

He was sick all day,
throwing up
in his dressing room john.

Well, I've been
goddamn sick over here.

Look. I know you're upset
about the sketch, Flo,

I was just trying
to milk it
for a few laughs.

Mr. Ziegfeld thinks
the new jokes
are too bawdy.

I merely want the sketch
played as written,

not as rewritten
by you.

But we played it
as written last night
and it bombed.

That's why I added
the jokes.

Johnny's been
watching rehearsal
and so have I.

He feels the same way.

I do, Bill. I do.

Now, look, Bill,
I'm no goddamn prude.

I've got bare breasted women
on my stage.

But I don't tighten
their nipples
with a wrench.

Oh, come on, Flo,
be reasonable.

I am reasonable.
Look, gentlemen.

Gentlemen, you're both
reasonable.

And this thing
can be resolved.

Fields will play
the sketch as written.

That's how it'll be
resolved.

After all, he's playing
in my theater.

Okay, Flo.
Okay. You're right.

It's your theater.
We'll play it
the way you want it.

Melody, are you ready?

MELODY: I need
a couple of minutes.
I lost an earring.

Well, hurry up.
I got to meet Harold Parker
in the restaurant.

HAROLD: It's a six-story
apartment house

and stores going up in
the finest section of town.

This bathtub gin
would kill a horse.
Go ahead, Harold.

Ed Wynn and Fanny Brice
are in the deal already.

Yeah?
Anything you say, Harold.

You know that.
Listen, I have to
tell you something.

I don't know why it is,
you see,

but it's always
difficult for me
to tell you

how grateful I am
for everything
you've done for me.

I can't believe

that I'm sitting here,
buying a piece of
an apartment building.

Oh, Bill.

I couldn't find
the damn earring,

I don't know what
the hell happened to it.
Hello, Harold.

Why don't you sit
down?

Nothing goes on.
By the way, my birthday
is on Thursday.

Happy Birthday.
Listen, I'm gonna put some
new sight gags in tonight

when I get that dame
in the dentist chair.

Well, I hope
they're in good taste.

If you're wondering
what to get me
for my birthday,

get me gold earrings,
real gold.

Good taste.
I know good taste
from bad.

I've been doing comedy
for 25 years.

I've got a vault full
of stocks and bonds.

And a potassium mine.

Maybe you should
give me stock
instead of the earrings.

Did you say potassium?

Don't sneer
at potassium.

You didn't have
potassium in your body,
your ass would fall off.

I gotta go.
Give me the check.

Thank you very much.
Don't forget to send me
the papers on the building.

Gee, I been thinking
about Jolson being sick
in his dressing room.

Well, that's very nice
of you, Bill,

but you don't have to
worry about him.

But if he's got a john
in his dressing room,
why the hell don't I?

FIELDS: I think
we'll tighten her faucets
while we're at it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yes.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

FIELDS:
Yes, put your head
back, please.

Now, open
your mouth wide.

(SCREAMING)

My, my, what a cavity.

Do you think
you can fill it, Doctor?

I hope I'm man enough.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Now, let us assume
a position that allows me
to do my best work.

Would you slide down
a little please?

Sure.

A little more.

Okay.

Oh, I'm afraid
I just don't know
where to place my legs.

Well, try putting them
up there.

Have you got it?

I sure have.

Oh, good.

Ah, yes.

Now, you hold that position
until I call the dentist.

'Cause I'm just
the plumber that came here
to fix the sink.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

ZIEGFELD: Fields!
Goddamn you! Fields!

(BANGING AT DOOR)

I want to
talk to you!

That dentist sketch
was a goddamned disgrace.

Disgrace, hell!
I finally got
a couple of laughs.

There's just no excuse for it.
To me,
it was just plain dirty.

I'll tell you
what it means
to be dirty.

To stand up on a stage
and not get any laughs,
that's being dirty.

It makes me feel
filthy inside,
like a fraud, like a fake.

Like everybody's saying
that W.C. Fields
is a no talent bum,

who's up there
stealing his money.

Well, to me
that's not only dirty,
it's immoral.

Bill, you double-cross me
once more and you're through.

I'm through right now!

What the hell!
I can go to California

They wouldn't touch you
in pictures
with a 10-foot pole.

If they've got Chaplin,
what the hell
do they need with you?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUD)

I just met with them
this morning.

Ziegfeld wants to
call off the feud.

He wants to apologize
for what he said.

He did ask if you could
just clean it up
a little bit for matinees.

Matinees or evenings,
that's the way it stays.

Mr. Fields,
may I help you
today, sir?

Yeah. I'd like to look at
a pair of gold earrings.

There's no music
known to man's ear

that compares
to the pussycat purr
of a woman

that's gotten
what she wanted.

Happy birthday,
my love.

MAN: (KNOCKS)
Five minutes,
Mr. Fields.

I gotta say it.

Say it, my hummingbird.

I just absolutely
gotta say it.

Spit it out, ladybug.

Gold is really gold.

Yes. What a wonderful way
you have with words.

(CHUCKLES)

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Who is it?

Mr. Schaeffer.

Come in.

Well, where was she
last night?

When she left you,
she took a taxi
to 97th Street.

116 East.

The Hungarian.

Right.

What time did she leave?

Well, I left at 6 a.m.
She still hadn't come out.

Is it possible
you might've missed her?

Funny...
How all you guys
ask the same thing.

CARLOTTA:
Fields was never very lucky
with women.

Along with dogs,
babies and politicians,

he felt women were
put on this Earth just to
strike a blow at Fields.

When the blow came,
it became sacred duty
to strike back.

My, my!

Look what he's giving you
for your birthday.

Get out of here!

You're a two-timing
little broad.

(IN HUNGARIAN ACCENT)
Do not talk like this
to the woman I respect.

If you had so much respect
for her, why didn't you
take off your roller skates?

You've been
spying on me.

Exactly.

We tried to
resist each other,
but we couldn't.

I kinda got that idea
when I saw the two of you
on the cot.

Now, gimme back
the earrings.

I won't.

And no gentleman
ever asks
for a present back.

You're right.
And I'll tell you what
your idea of a gentleman is!

It's someone that you can
double-cross, screw, tattoo
and make a horse's ass off!

Well, to me
that's no gentleman,
that's a horse's ass!

Now, either you give me
back the earrings,

or I'm gonna
tell your lover here,

how you gave me
a social disease!

Excuse me.
What it means,
ah, social disease?

I don't know
the Hungarian word
for "clap."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY)

You shouldn't be inside
in the first place,

you should be
at your post
in the car, waiting,

in case I choose
to leave early.

Yes, sir.

Funny, Mr. Fields,
the last time
you got sick in a movie,

it was a Charlie Chaplin
picture, too.

Are you daring to imply
professions jealousy?

No, Mr. Fields.
No, indeed.

Well, watch it, Leon.
Mr. Fields.

What? Oh, yes?

Leaving early?

Ah, ah,
well, not really.

What happened was,
inside, you see,

I got the pains
in the stomach and then
I... I got sick.

I think it was from
eating bad clams, Pismos.

Ever play
on a vaudeville bill
with Chaplin?

Ah, yes.
I was a, ah...

star at the London Palladium
when Charles Chaplin
was a chorus boy.

As a matter of fact,
as I recall, he was a...

Toe dancer.
(CHUCKLING)

(CAR HONKING)

Excuse me.

You got me into that.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Ah, good morning,
Mr. Dockstedter.

Bill.

It's conditioned me to
take that extra quart of gin
a day.

I can't stop now.
I got three-quarters
of a mile to go.

You don't stop
in the middle
of the Brooklyn Bridge.

(STERNLY) Will you stop
and listen to me
a minute?

Sure.

You want to
get me the towel?

What's wrong?

Everything.

You mean,
Ziegfeld doesn't want me
for his new show?

(SIGHS)
It's much worse
than that.

What can be
worse than that?

Harold Parker
died last night.

No.

Oh.

He just, uh...

He just died
last night.

His wife found him.

Oh, God.

Bill...

Bill, listen to me.

You're, uh...

Your investments.

What about my investments?

(SHOUTING) What the hell
about my investments?

Well, it's still only a rumor,
but if it's true,
they're, uh...

Everything
is down the drain.

Has been for a long time.
He's been covering it up.

What are you talking about?

Some woman.

He had a woman
some place.
She's bleeding him.

Taking him
for everything he had.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe that.

Down the drain?

Oh, Jesus. God.

(AGGRESSIVELY)
What're you
trying to tell me?

That I'm broke?
I'm busted?

Unless you have
something stashed...

What do you mean, stashed?

I gave him
every cent I had!

I cashed in every asset
to put in that
new build thing!

Then I'm sorry.

Well, what happened?

How'd he die?

He just dropped dead.

Had a heart attack.

Dropped dead.

Wouldn't you know it.

The son of a bitch
took the easy way out.

Hollywood.
Hollywood, California.
That's where we should be.

I mean, vaudeville's
almost dead here.

We're in the middle
of a depression.

Let's try our luck
in Hollywood.

That's the new land
of opportunity.

For me?
Now listen to me. Listen.

You want to play babies
all your life?

Wouldn't you like
to play a lead?

Ridiculous.

How tall do you think
Valentino was?

How tall?
Four-foot, one.

I don't believe it.
On my life.

You're a liar.
They stand him on a box.

I'm only
three-foot, six.

So we'll use
two boxes.

(SCOFFS)

Ludwig, please.
I need your friendship.

What you really need
is my money.

That's not true.
Ludwig, listen to me.

I'm broke, I'm busted
and I'm desperate.

You got to stake me
to Hollywood.

You'll never regret it.
Look.

You could buy
a second-hand car here
and we could sell it there.

It wouldn't cost a dime.

You'd never regret it.

If I didn't make it
as an actor,

I know I'd make it
as a script writer.

Close that damn thing,
I don't want to get wet.

Just a warm
summer rain, Ludwig.

Can't hurt you.

I don't want to
catch cold.

Only time I sleep
like a baby
is when it rains.

I like to hear it
on the roof.

I loved it
in London.

I loved it
in Paris.

But best of all,
I loved it as a boy
in Philadelphia.

Cleared away
the horseshit.

(TIRE EXPLODES)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Look at that.
Look at that.

The trees
are full of oranges.

I saw them.

The only thing
you really looked at
the whole trip

was women's bazooms.

Ridiculous.

I don't need to look
at an orange tree.

If they had tits on 'em,
you'd look at them.

(HONKING)

FIELDS: Ludwig.

What the hell are you doing?
Why do you always
keep me waiting?

I can't help it
if my hat blew off.

Come on. Come on.

(GROWLING)

Go on. Go. Go on.
Get out of here.

I hate ya.

Must still carry
the scent of hobo.

Dogs smell it every time.

Come on.

(MEN SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

LUDWIG: His wife
passed away last summer.

FIELDS: Oh.

And he says
this place has become
too much for him.

Besides the museum,
he leases the ring toss stand
next door.

For 600,
we can take over
the lease.

And he says it does
a very good business.

Yeah?

Can we look
at his books?

(LUDWIG TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Ah, come on in, folks,

and hobnob
with some of the world's
most famous personages.

Take all the time you want.
Start in aisle one.

I suggest you start
with Hiawatha.

Is Pocahontas here, too?

Ah, be back at 11.
She went out for coffee.

FIELDS:
♪ By the sea, by the sea

♪ By the beautiful sea

♪ You and I, you and I

♪ Oh, how happy we'll be

♪ By the sea, by the sea

♪ By the beautiful sea

♪ You and I, you and I

♪ Oh, how happy we'll be

♪ Yeah, by the sea,
oh, how happy we'll be

♪ By the sea ♪

(EXCLAIMING)

(TYPING)

Type. Type.
Type. Type. Type.

Don't you ever sleep?

Yeah. But I want to
have this one finished
by morning.

Any luck on the scripts
you've already sent in?

Not yet. But this one's
about a bank dick.
It's a sure sale.

They were all a sure sale.

Thanks, you little bastard.

Always discouraging me.

Peckerhead.

(BELL RINGS)

I suppose
you like the script,
Mr. Bannerman,

otherwise you wouldn't
have sent for me.

I think
it's quite funny.

Well, I got some more here,
if you like 'em. You know...

Uh, look,
Mr. Bannerman, ah...

Harry, all right?

Sure.

Harry.

(CHUCKLING)
That's very good.
Ah, look, Harry, I...

I don't want a fortune
for the scripts.

You know, I'll just take
a few hundred dollars.

I mean, if you don't like
the scripts, at all, it's...
It's all right with me.

What I'm trying to say is

I'll do anything
to get into films.

Assist a director,
move scenery,

I'll hammer nails
if you like.

I've got a part for you
in a picture.

A part?
A part.

Acting.

Ah, my salary's
$5,000 a week.

A minute ago,
you were pleading with me

for a few hundred dollars
for a script.

You see, in vaudeville,
I got $5,000 a week.

You just told me
you were busted, broke.

Oh, well, that's true.
But if I get any less
than $5,000, you see,

that'd shatter
my self-confidence.

And, well, I mean, confidence
is twice as important
to a man who's on the skids.

What the hell right
have you got
to hold me up?

Well, what right have you got
to capitalize
on my misfortune?

$2,500 a week,
and that's my top.

How much?

2,500.
How much?

2,500.

I'll take it.

By the way, they tell me
you're impossible to handle.

Ah, that's nothing
but a nasty rumor.

Oh!

If I have to rewrite my part,
that'll be $500 extra.

What I'm trying to say,
Ludwig, is that it's, ah...

The kind of part that'll lead
to other parts, you know.

I wish you'd come
with me.

Listen.
I'll have all the money
we'll need.

I'll, ah...
I'll stay here and
run the museum.

Since I was
a little boy
I loved the ocean.

Yeah.

Well,

anytime, Ludwig.

Yeah.

Come here.

Now, you listen to me.

You be careful,
if you go near the water
without me.

Yeah.

And don't swim out
too far.

No.

A goddamn raindrop
would drown you.

My name's W.C. Fields.
I was told to report here
to stage...10.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Okay.
But you're
the first one.

The crew ain't
even here yet.

I like to be early.

Stage 10.
Straight back,
on your left.

Thank you.

CARLOTTA:
When I met W.C. Fields,
he was already a movie star.

I was working as an extra,
along with
a dozen other girls,

Although he passed me
every day,
he never even looked at me.

And when I finally
got his attention,
at a party

when the picture
was finished,

he insulted me.

♪ Little China boy
will be with you soon

♪ When you're in his arms
beneath the moon

♪ Sing a little low-down,
sing a little low-down,
sing a little low-down tune

♪ Sing a little low-down,
sing a little low-down

♪ Sing a little
low-down tune ♪

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

MAN: Speech. Speech.

Thought you'd never ask.

Now, I've finished
my latest epic

for Mr. Harry Bannerman
and this, ah, great studio.

And ah, these three
off-key Chinese cumquats

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

bring to mind
to me the, ah...

international character
of Hollywood films.

For instance,
I am directed by the great
Gregory La Cava.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

Down. Down.
I don't know why
you're applauding.

He's a guinea director
who's done his best
to ruin my entire career.

And written for
by Gene Fowler.

This mick
can write obscenities in
11 different languages.

Thank you, Gene.

I have among my friends,
I'm proud to say,
the great Barrymore.

The melancholy Dane
who doubles as
my spiritual advisor and...

(MIMICS CORK POPPING)

Bartender.

Also,

a friend of mine,

the very famous
Hebrew restaurateur,

Mr. David Chasen,

who so graciously supplied
the alleged refreshments.

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

Now, to my
dearly beloved public,

I can only say
I hope they go see
the picture.

And, ah...

I'd rather be here
than in Philadelphia.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Thank you.

If Mr. Fields was so
struck by my talent,

how come he called me
an off-key
Chinese cumquat?

(LAUGHS) Ah,
he just said that
to get a laugh.

Look, you must've been
attractive to him,

or he wouldn't have
invited you
out to his home.

But I thought you said
he had a part for me
in his new movie.

Well, I'm quite sure he does.

But not positively sure?

You know, I worked
with him for three days
on the set as an extra,

and he never even
said hello to me.

I must tell you something,
Mr. Dockstedter,

that I have no interest
in Mr. Fields at all,
except for my career.

I mean, he's old enough
to be my father.

Look, why don't you
just give yourself a chance
to get to know him?

Well, is there a part
or isn't there?

Yes. There is a part.

That's the way.

That's the boy.

Atta boy, Bill.

(MAN EXCLAIMS)

Oh, get it, Bill.

Forget your hand,
hit it with your nose.

(CAR HONKING)

Ah, yes,
a bit of loveliness
has arrived.

I shall greet the lady
and return posthaste.

I shall assist
in greeting her.

Rise up one more inch
and I'll step on
your Adam's apple.

You need me
to add a bit of class
to the proceedings.

Otherwise, your crudeness
will definitely
scare the poor wench off.

Delighted to meet you,
my dear.

May I present
the great Barrymore.

Thank you.
Enchanted, my dear.

You know what, Charles,
I think the best thing
to do

is to take this
delightful lady up

and let her look
at the old homestead
while I finish my set.

Oh, I'd love
to do that, Bill,

but I'm due
somewhere else
right now.

Ah, save dinner
for me later, though,
will you?

I'll do that.

Having absolutely
no inclination toward

competitive sports,

I'm entirely
at your disposal.

Better watch him.
He's a white slaver.

You'll wind up
in a Chinese cat house.

That's the
god damnest thing
I ever saw.

What the hell
are you laughing at?

A little old woman
in Pasadena makes these up
for 66 bucks a copy.

(GASPING)
I couldn't wait
till I tried mine on.

Men in dames corsets.

Not dames corsets,
a man muscle retainer.

Bullshit.
You know what?

I think both of you
are fruits.

(WHISTLES)
Fresh.

How dare any of you
accuse Fields and me
of fagotry?

When in concert,
he and I have laid
more pipeline

than any of you,
louts put together.

You've got to be sober
to be able to screw.

When was the last time
you and Fields were sober?

Jumping jofferds!
I forgot my lady guest.

Hmm, ask her in
and we'll split
a bar of soap together.

(MEN LAUGH)

Comfortable, young lady?
I'll be with you
in a few minutes.

I got some business
with the boys.

Oh, oh, listen.
Ah, there's three servants
up to the house,

get one of
the lazy bastards
to fix you a snack.

I've already had lunch,
thank you.

Okay.

FIELDS: Gerald. Matilda.
Cleanup time.

BARRYMORE: So this sardine
says to me,

"Jack, in the company
of Romeo and Juliet,

"does Romeo
have an affair
with Juliet?"

I said, "They did
in my company,
I played Romeo."

Excuse me,
Mr. Fields, but...

Ah, yes,
ah, look, ah...

Excuse me for not
spending more time
with you, my dear,

but Sundays
are a madhouse
around here.

Well, if you prefer,
I can come back tomorrow.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You stay, 'cause
after I finish this hand,
I'll give you my, ah...

Undivided attention.

(MEN MURMURING)

The boys are gonna stay
for dinner,
so fix something for six.

But it's seven o'clock,
Mr. Fields.

We're supposed to be
out of here by five
on Sundays.

How the hell would you
like to be out of here
for good?

Leon!
Now, go on, go on,
do as I told you!

I've taken enough abuse
from you ingrates.

You've rooked and robbed me
beyond conscience and mercy.

We've never touched
a damn thing.

Well, if that's the truth,
who drinks up my booze?

You do,
Mr. Fields.

Yeah?

Do you cook, Miss, ah...
Monti.

Well, do you cook?
Well, I...

Well, do you or don't you?
Oh, never mind.

Listen, Leon,
I'll tell you
what you do,

you take Miss Monti
into the kitchen

and you show her
where everything is.

But it's after five.

You, too?

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

Here's a man I have
such affection for.
Imported him from New York.

In fact, I'm leaving a big
chunk of my money to colored
orphans because of him.

I want to tell you
something, Leon.

If you're gonna be
ungrateful,

there are lots of orphans
of other colors to go around.

Well, it's still
after five.

That does it.
You're canned.

You're canned along
with these other two.

Have we got enough eggs
in the kitchen?

You just canned me.

I'll tell you what you do,
you make an omelet,
make it for six.

Oh, never mind,
make it for seven.
Have some yourself.

Please, lady. Please.

I want you two
out of here
tomorrow morning!

Not you, Leon.

If I find my Jack Daniels
one inch below his mustache,
neither one of you gets paid.

Good evening, my dear.

Hate to distract you
from your labors,

but Fields
can no longer succeed
in keeping us apart.

And as the words
of the great Shakespeare
once said,

"When passion can
no longer be bottled up,
have out with it."

(UNZIPPING)

(SCREAMS)

"Have out with it."

Steady, my dear.
Don't be so coy,
my precious.

I merely wish
to introduce you
to Richard the Third.

So named because
he is a three-piece set.

Ah, I knew
I'd find you here,
you reprobate.

My God!
Put that thing away.

Why? Is it that small?

Come on.
Come on, get the hell
out of the kitchen.

(ZIPPING)

I merely wished
to screw her.

The only thing
you're screwing up
is the omelet.

(SINGING)

(LAUGHS)

(SLOW RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

(FIELDS LAUGHING)

Oh, God.

What a bunch!

I just rolled the last one
down the hill.

Did I thank you
for the omelet?

No.

Well, thank you.

I guess I'll stay up
the rest of the night.

I'm an insomniac.
Only sleep
in the rainy season.

(SIGHS)

Did you know that
about me?

(SIGHS) Could we please
talk about the part now,
Mr. Fields.?

What part?

The part
in your new picture.

Who told you
there was a part?

Your agent.

My agent had
no goddamn right
to tell you that!

Then what am I doing here?

I don't know.
I thought we were gonna spend
a pleasant Sunday together.

Simply get
to know each other.

But obviously
you're only interested
in a part.

What the hell's
the matter with that?

I happen to have an ambition
to be an actress.

Of course you do.

All you silly dames
are desperate
to be an actress.

It's an excuse
for ducking honest work.

Instead of being
a sales girl
or a waitress.

Let me ask you something.

Did you ever get a part?

I mean, a decent part?

What the hell!
Doesn't that tell you
something?

(PLATE SHATTERS)

I don't believe it.

You know how much
that goddamn plate cost?

I don't care
how much it cost!

I sat around here
like an idiot all day,

waiting to talk to you
about a part.

You completely ignored me
until you wanted someone
to cook your dinner!

I am sick and tired
of either getting attacked
in offices,

or being brushed off
by some so-called hotshot
like you!

And you know something?

It's really rotten
of you to say
I have no talent

when you haven't even
seen my work.

Just because you're on top,
you think you're God?

What the hell do you care
if I'm losing my car,
being kicked out of my room?

Well, how have
you lived so far?

Off of men,
getting little gifts
here and there?

That's a terrible
thing to say!

I was raised
a good Catholic!

I thought
you were Chinese.

Runnin' around
in that silly outfit,

singin' that ridiculous
goddamn Chinese song.

Oh, sure.
Make fun of me now.

What the hell
do you know
about the world,

living up here
in this big house?

What do you know
about people?

What the hell are you,
a Communist?

Hell, no.

I'm anticommunist,
you know.

I don't give a damn
what you are!

What do you want to do,
come in here
and take away my house?

Right now, I don't care,
either way!

How'd you like
to be living here,
in this house?

I mean,

how'd you like
to live here, with me?

You've got to be kidding.

I'm not kidding.

I don't believe this.

Well, of course,
you'd have, ah,

certain duties.

What kind of duties?

Ah... (STUTTERING)
Do you type?

Yeah, I type.

Very good.

Good.

Well...

Come live here, then.

Live here as what?
Your secretary
or your mistress?

Well, ideally one shouldn't
exclude the other.

Well?

You're the one that said
you didn't want to lose
your room or your car.

Move in.

You're lonely,
aren't you?

Who the hell isn't lonely?

Including me.

Between us,
you and me, ah...

You're not suggesting
some sort of, ah,
arrangement, are you?

Oh! (CHUCKLES) I see.

No, you don't have
to worry about me
chasing you around.

At my age,
if a woman says no to me,

I thank her profusely.

(SIGHS)

My typing's pretty sloppy.

How do you keep your room?

Not as sloppy
as my typing.

Well, it's a big house.

Move in.

Oh, Godfrey Daniels.

Good morning,
Chinaman.

Good morning.
Ready to go to work?

Well, a little stiff
from all the moving the
last three days, but okay.

Seen Leon?

Let's go. We can't be late
'cause they shoot movies
on a strict schedule.

(BIRD SQUAWKING)

There he is.
That Nelson Eddy swan's
eaten my goldfish again!

I'll brain him.
Get out of there!

I'll break your rump.
Beat it.
Get out of here.

Go on. Get out.
Go. Go. Go. Go on, now.
Get out of here.

I'll crown you.
I ought to take a shotgun
and shoot you.

You're right. I should shoot
Nelson Eddy. Go on.
Get out, get out of here.

Get out of here.
I'll make him a soprano.

Get out of here.
Go home. Go on.
Get out of here.

FIELDS:
Get out the steno pad.

Right here.

All right, the first thing
you do every morning
is to take care of my P.Ps.

P.Ps?

Yeah. That's my
poison pen letters.

I send them to rogues
and rascals
in high places.

My pet peeve
is Eleanor Roosevelt,
the Internal Revenue Service

and all
religious institutions.

Religious institutions?
I was raised in a convent.

Maybe that's where
you went wrong.

Have you ever
read the Bible?
It's beautiful.

Only for loopholes.

(VEHICLE HONKS)

What are you trying
to do, Leon?

You trying to kill me
or something?

Sorry, Mr. Fields.

I wonder.

MAN 1: All right. Picture now.
Places, everybody. Lights.

MAN 2: On your mark, people.
And quickly.

And stay there.
Take the positions
you had before.

MAN 1: Quickly. Quickly.
Come on.

Are you ready,
Mr. Fields?

Yeah. I've been ready
for a half an hour.

(BELL RINGS)

Roll 'em!
Action.

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm here to
introduce you to, ah...

I'm going to introduce you...
Uh, dammit.

Cut.

What the hell's
the name of the tonic,
anyway?

Dr. McGonigle's Tonic.

Hold your positions, people.
We're going right away.

Yeah, just settle.
Just settle down.
We're going right away.

(BELL RINGS)

Oh, it's like blood
to a vampire.

MAN 1: All right,
let's roll 'em.

MAN 2: And action.

(CHUCKLES)

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm here to introduce you
to Dr. McGonigle's Tonic.

Now this tonic
is made entirely
of pure herbs and roots.

With a splash
of floor polish

to put shine
in your eye.
(CHUCKLES)

Get away, kid, you both...
Where the hell's the kid?

He's on the left, Bill.

He's on the what?

Oh! There he is.
I'm sorry about that.

Really, Greg.
It's just human error.

Get away, kid.
You bother me.

Now, if you'll be
good enough

to take the quarters
out of your pockets,

whilst I pass amongst you
with Dr. McGonigle's
magical miracle formula.

Oh, yes!
Oh, madam.

Oh, yes. I shant rest
until I've put
a bottle of my tonic

on the top
of your shelf.

Oh, wonderful.
As I was saying, as I...

As I was saying...
Steady there.
What the hell was I saying?

LA CAVA: Cut.

Ah, Chinaman.

Chinaman.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Let me see the script.

Gimme my glasses.

Stage Four.

Just answer me
with yes or no
if he's standing close by.

Why is everything
going so goddamned slow?

Is he forgetting
his lines again?

ASSISTANT:
Yes, sir.

Is he drinking?
Yes.

Any heavier than usual?
Answer yes or no.

Yes, sir.

Well, we're falling
behind schedule.

You do the best you can.

I guess I'm gonna have to
have a talk with him.

CARLOTTA: Harry Bannerman
tried to talk to him,

but nobody
could talk to Fields.

And if it was
about his drinking,
he could become very abusive.

Fields was
a world of contradictions.

For a selfish man,
he was very generous.

For a prejudiced man,
he was very understanding.

And I must say,
he was very brave
for a coward.

When I asked myself
why I continued
to be with him,

I had no answer.

Maybe it was because
I was frightened
of being anywhere else.

Or maybe part of me
hoped he could
someday, help my career.

Or maybe,
and most amazing of all,

I was starting
to care for him.

Thank you, my dear.

Sometimes I get down
here too late

and then they're out
of fish cake sandwiches.

Skol.
Skol.

Well, I think we got
about the last of them.

Ah.

I often sit here
watching the passing parade.

The princes, the paupers.

Cowboys that
never rode a horse.

Movie stars
that never made a movie.

Sometimes I'm really sure
it's gonna happen for me.

And sometimes
I don't know.
I know I have the talent,

but I don't think
I always have
the push it takes.

Well, you certainly had
enough push the day
you came to my house.

Yeah. But it comes
and goes in spurts.

I can be very lazy
sometimes.

How did it happen
for you?

Well, I mean,
life dealt me
some low blows.

I think the lowest blow
it ever dealt me

was being raised
in Philadelphia.

Oh. I didn't know
your parents
were from Philadelphia.

I never had any parents,

I wasn't born,

I was fermented.

I think a baby's better off
not having parents.

You don't really mean that.

Why do you always
act like...

A son of a bitch?

You said it.

I wouldn't take

10 sweet guys
for one son of a bitch.

Because if there's ever
any changes in this world,

it's the son of bitches
that do it.

The sweet guys never change
a goddamned thing.

They're too smug.
They're too busy
being sweet.

That's why I like to
go around and stick pins
in their balloons

and let the air out of
the self-satisfied bastards.

MAN: Ah, we're from
the IRS, Mr. Fields.

Since you
didn't come down to us,
we decided to come here.

Among other things,
Mr. Fields,

you have listed here
a one thousand dollar
deduction,

for a "home
for Peruvian bastards."
Why?

Well, that's because I gave
to the Brazilian bastards
last year.

So I figured it was
the Peruvian bastards'
turn this time.

We cannot find
such a charity listed,
Mr. Fields.

Well, if you had a home
for Peruvian bastards,
would you advertise it?

You took a deduction
for 32 cases
of gin and whiskey.

That's right.
And I drank
every drop of it.

I'll not be accused
of dishonesty.

Why is it a business
deduction?

Because I'm a comedian,
and when I drink, I'm funny.

Root beer's cheaper,
but I don't get
half the laughs.

I must warn you, Mr. Fields,
some of this return could
be viewed as fraudulent.

Well, don't speak to me
of fraud, sir,

when you represent

one of the most fraudulent
and corrupt political systems
since the Roman Empire.

I'm far from
being a communist.

But you serve
an administration

that bleeds us
poor suckers white
while senators get rich.

You serve a President
that has a Scotty dog

that eats better
than 90% of the children
in the United States.

You serve a President
who's got a wife
who flies around the world

sticking her nose
in everybody else's business
instead of staying home,

washing the President's
jock strap
in the White House sink.

So screw off,
and I'll let my lawyer
contact you.

Go on, get out.
Go on. All of you.
Out. Out. Out.

I want to
ask you a question.

How much government tax
is on a bottle of whiskey?

Thirty cents.

Do you realize,
that if I gave up drinking,

you two imbeciles
would be out of a job?

Now, go on, get out.
Get out, I said.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Mr. Fields.

What?

I think I love you.

Ha.

Shit!

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God!
Is that Charlie Chaplin?

Yes, it is.

Listen, that, ah,
snack we had
earlier at home,

it, ah, did that
make you feel ill?

No. Huh, uh.
I feel fine.

A little while afterwards
I got a pain in my stomach.

I thought it would pass,
but it, ah... It didn't.

I think we should go home.

Oh, can't we go in
for just a little while?

No, no, no.
We'd better go right away.
Right away.

I don't want to
get sick in there.

I can't understand how just
the sight of Charlie Chaplin
can make you sick.

You can't?

Well, he's number one.

Numero uno.

But he's not.
You're right up there
with him.

No, I'm not.
I'm number two.

Numetwo-o.

In this business,
two's not even a number.

Nobody counts past one.

When you're second,

life's like a mother

who loves you
next to best.

Like a dame
who only sees you
on slow nights.

Well,

I didn't leave home at 11
to freeze and starve
all those years

just to be second.

Number two.

Sooner or later
all little girls...

The line is, "Sooner or later
all pretty little girls
have to leave their daddies."

I know what the line is.
Can we do another one
right away, please?

MAN: Right. Roll 'em!

And action.

And so I'm getting
married, Daddy.

But that doesn't mean
I won't always
be your little girl.

Of course, my darling.

Sooner or later
all little girls have
to leave their daddies.

But do you have to
go away?

I'm afraid so.

But before I go,

let me leave you
with a bit of
fatherly advice.

Yes.

Never give a sucker
an even break.

Ah, cut it!
The hell with it. Crap.
It's no good.

Is something
bothering you?

Yeah, there's something
bothering me.

You! You,
you're bothering me!
Get off my set.

I can't work
when you're on my set.

Because you bum rapped me
on your radio show, Sunday,
that's why.

I didn't rap you, Bill.
I rapped
your last picture.

I can't believe
that you'd take that
kind of thing personally.

I don't take it
personally.

I don't take it personally
when it's about Buster Keaton
or Harold Lloyd,

but I take it
very personally
when it's about me.

Christ, that's petty.

Don't you call me petty!

Go on, you pencil-pushing
mongoloid!

I'll break 85
of your 84 vertebrates!

That was a stupid
son of a bitching thing
to do.

Didn't you realize
he's the most influential
movie critic in this country?

Can you imagine
what he's gonna do
to your next picture?

On the radio
and in the newspapers?

Screw 'em.

Screw 'em. Sure.
Screw 'em.

Ha, you wouldn't
of done it if you hadn't
been drinking.

The assistant director
tells me you've been pissed

and blowing your lines
the past few weeks.

So screw
the assistant director, too.

Ah, this is gettin' to be
a real goddamn problem, Bill.

A real goddamned problem.

Well, if you don't want
more of a problem,

let me get back in there,
go to work
and finish the film.

(SLURRING)
♪ I loved her too

♪ And, oh, baby

♪ Won't you
please come home?

♪ 'Cause you left me
all alone ♪

♪ Have a banana ♪

(MEN LAUGHING)

How glorious it is
to leave the nonsense
of making a motion picture

and embark on
the pursuit of enlightenment
and culture

with those friends
you love.

Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.

I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to anything.

Six ball
in the side pocket.

Hey! Shivering shinola!
My God!

(MEN LAUGHING)

I met him in Bombay
years ago.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

(WOMAN VOCALIZING)

Son of a bitch!
That's Jeanette MacDonald.
She's a nuisance.

She makes a sound
like a monsoon whistling
through an aardvark's ass.

MacDonald, what hole
is that horrible sound
emanating from?

(ALL SNICKERING)

(WOMAN SINGING)

(VOCALIZING IN HIGH-PITCH)

(SNIFFING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

You sing like
one of Nelson Eddy's swans!

Stud.
Me favorite.

Are the little boys
staying for dinner?

Is dinner on?

No.
Why not?

Well, I couldn't sing,
so I decided to read.

To the kitchen, slave,
or you'll be banished
from the master's bed.

(MEN CHUCKLE)

The Royal Jewels
will be withheld.

Damn right
they'll be withheld.

Listen, you two
drive safely.

Leon, you take
Mr. Barrymore home
and, Jack,

watch your banana.

(LAUGHING)

I don't know why
it strikes me funny.

There you go,
my motley crew.

Well, if there's a God
in heaven, we'd better pray
for their deliverance.

Going to bed, Chinaman,
feel a little tired.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

I'll be leaving
in the morning.

What do you mean?

I mean, I'm going away.

Away from me?
Yes.

Why?

Because you treated me
like a tramp tonight
in front of your friend.

You even slapped me
on the backside.

Oh, now come on, Chinaman.
Don't ruin my day.

That's just a game
that the boys play
in front of each other.

Don't you understand
things like that?

No.

Well, it's...

It's locker room stuff.

It's like measuring
to see
who has the biggest thing.

And by making me look cheap,
does that mean that you have?

Okay. I'm sorry about that.

But no more of that
going away crap.

When the boys
were here today,

you even let them think
you go to bed with me.

I told you,
that's just
part of the game.

But I've been here six weeks
and you've never
even touched me.

(SHUSHING)

For Christ sakes,
don't tell them that.

Why not?

Well, it's just that...

(STUTTERS)

Do you know how much
I really respect you?

Are you afraid
of getting turned down?

No. I just don't know
whether to be your father
or be your lover.

I wouldn't turn you down
on either.

Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

Do you know
what that means?

What?

I'll have to stay sober.

I think tropical fish
are one of the most
sensible pets a man can have.

Readily housebroken
and easily subdued
with a long whip.

My, my,
you are getting mellow.

First adopting tropical fish
and now doing a movie
with a baby.

I want to keep this one
in the house

so Nelson Eddy's swan
can't get at it.

Are you happy
to be going back
to work?

I suppose so.
But all babies
are bastards.

Can't stand
their milk breath.
(CHUCKLES)

I've got something
very important
to say to you.

Well, I'll tell ya,
I have an appointment
this afternoon.

In fact, you'd better
tell me quickly,

'cause I got to go
get examined for insurance

that's before
the movies starts.

It's a new rule
the stupid studios put out.

Well, I've got
something on my mind

that's been there
for a long time now.

Okay. Shoot, Chinaman.

Well, you said that
you felt complete now
that I'm with you.

I do, yes.

Well, I'd like to be able
to feel the same way.

Don't you?

Why can't
I have a career
and you?

Oh.

Look, my dear, I can smell
star quality a mile away.

And you
just don't have it.

I want to find out
for myself.

I can tell you that.

Get me a screen test.
You can do it.

I can't do that.

Then I can't stay
with you any longer.

I've got to
find out for myself
if I have talent.

You really want it
that bad?

Well, I guess I'll have to
give you a screen test.

I can't be unfair
to you, Chinaman.

Oh, I love you for that.

Well, I love you, too.

We'll get, ah,
Jack Barrymore to do
the test with you.

we might as well
do it first class,
all the way.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Carlotta.

You look beautiful.

I'm so proud of you.

You haven't had
one drink, have you?

No, my dear.
This is where I live.

One doesn't foul
one's own nest.

In her service
in more ways
than meets the eye.

I am
her Majesty's subject.

And my hypocrite.

Make yourself
an honest man

and I know that at least
there's one less rogue
in the world.

MAN: Okay, cut.
Wrap it up.

That's Carlotta Monti,
Test 337A.

Wonderful, Miss Monti.
Thank you.
Mr. Barrymore, just great.

Okay, Sandy.
You can go home now.
Thank you.

Well, what do you think?

She's good,
isn't she?

BARRYMORE: She's green,
but she'd learn fast.

Interesting quality,
I feel.

Yes, she has.

Well, I'm ready to
call the New York boys

and tell them
to put her
under contract.

Yeah, well, you do that,

and I'll never make
a picture for you again.

Tell you what I want you
to do,
I want you to phone her,

you phone her as a friend,
and you advise her
to forget it.

Use a little of that
razzle-dazzle of yours.

You're very good at that.
But let her down gently.
Don't crush her.

What I mean is,
if I'm gonna stoop
as low as this,

I want her back
in one piece.

Ah, come on, Jack,
don't look at me like that.

You know a girl's
an easy mark in this town

for every pimp,
casting couch
and phony producer.

Well, she is,
isn't she?

CARLOTTA: (SOBBING)
How could I
have fooled myself?

(STUTTERING)

How could I have
kidded myself?

How could I have
kidded myself
like that?

How can I want
something so bad,

so bad,
and be no good?

Just no damn good.

He didn't say
you were no good.

He didn't say I was no good,
but that's what he meant.

He was
beating around the bush,

but that's what
he was trying to tell me.

You know
what I really hate?

What?

I hate letting you down.

That's the way you feel,
isn't it?

No, I don't.

But you have to.

But I don't.

What's really terrible,
I'm not only bad actress,

but without you,
I would never have
gotten this far.

Because I'm weak,
I'm just basically weak.

I never would have had
that screen test without you.

You had to
get it for me.

I'll never be anything.
I'll never have a career.

But you have a career.

Your career is right here
taking care of me.
That's your career.

Would you ever marry me?

(STUTTERS)

Look.

You get some sleep.

And we'll talk about it
in the morning.

Answer me!

Would you ever
marry me?

Marriage is only
a piece of paper.

Why is it so goddamn
important?

Because Catholics
have to be married.

Horseshit!

How about the Pope?

What's the matter?
He just bit my nose.
That's the second time.

I want the little
son of a bitch arrested.

Arrested?

Yes. I want him to be
the only two-year-old
in Alcatraz.

I'll talk to his mother
before the next scene.

There ain't gonna
be no next scene. I quit.

Oh, listen, Bill.
I'll buy the kid a plaything
that'll involve him

and take his attention
off your nose.

Get him a cobra.
And I want to tell you
something.

I want my nose insured,
and I want the studio
to pay for it.

Did you see
the fangs on that
two-year-old?

By the time he's 11,
he'll be
a full-fledged werewolf.

Bill, the thing to do
is not hold him up
near your face.

If you want to
show affection,
pat him on the head.

Keep him down
below your waist.

Below my waist?
Where the hell
will he bite me then?

I'm glad you picked
up my signal.

Well, what is it?
What's the matter?
You seem so upset.

Carlotta, we've got
a very sick man
on our hands.

I just got the
studio doctor's report.

You see, that wasn't
a new studio rule,
it was especially for Fields.

We want to get insurance
against his drinking
and holding up the picture.

We couldn't get it.

His kidneys are
just about shot and
his liver's like a sieve.

Oh, my God.

Oh, don't tell him that.

He's so proud,
it would kill him
if he knew it.

Carlotta, what the hell's
holding you up?

I'm coming.
I was just filling your
martini thermos.

Gimme that.
Thank you.

Are you watering down
my booze?
No.

Well, somebody
is screwing around
with it.

Leon! You been drinking my gin
and then filling it up
with water?

No, sir, Mr. Fields.
Not me.

I am. I'm doing it.

Why?

Because I can't stand it
when you're drinking.

I hate you drunk.

Let me tell you something.

I don't want you to
come to the studio
with me today.

I don't want you to come
on the set anymore.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

Get Baby Harold.
We are ready to go.

Everybody on the set,
ready to shoot.

Come on, come on.
We haven't got time to wait.

Will somebody please
get Baby Harold?

(FIELDS VOCALIZING)

LA CAVA: (SHOUTING)
Where the goddamn hell
is Baby Harold?

Baby Harold is drunk.

Somebody put gin
in his orange juice.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(VOCALIZING)

You didn't.

You wouldn't.

Ah, I would and I did.

I had a hunch
the little bastard
couldn't hold his liquor.

♪ Yumpity-dum-dum ♪

You got to
picture this.

Here you have a two-year-old
in the middle
of his first tooth.

And his crowning
accomplishment

was biting his mother
right on the ass.

But I have hope for him.
I think he'll grow up to be
a real mean drunk.

Anyway, while he
is, ah, sobering up on
pabulum and Alka-Seltzer,

I'll have myself
a little snooze.

I've seen you around,
but I can't place the face.

I'm Edward.
I work at the studio gym.

Mr. Bannerman
told me to hang around
and make myself useful.

Bannerman?
Yeah.

Useful, how?

Well, he thought,
in between shots,
while you're waiting around,

maybe we could
do a little putting,
some road work, you know.

Putting and road work?
(CHUCKLING)

Very good. Very good.
You must be joking.

You don't need that,
Mr. Fields.

I don't need a keeper.

Gimme my drink!

I can't let you drink.

What the hell is this?
Is this
some kind of insult?

Well, I'll tell you
what you can do!

You can go directly

and I mean directly
to the idiot
who is head of this studio

and you tell him
that I don't shoot
one more foot of film

while he treats me
like an inmate
in a booby hatch!

You tell him that!

FIELDS: I shouldn't
have been surprised
at what happened.

After all,
the chemical composition
of this world

is oxygen, nitrogen
and bullshit!

BARRYMORE: How long shall
we remain in old Mexico?

I'm not comin' back
until that bastard,

Baby Harold, is too old
to make the picture.

SPECTATORS: Ole!

Ole.

(CHEERING)

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

What I hate about fountains
is they got water in 'em.

I've been
a matinee idol
for 25 years,

I've been given
many, many tokens
of adulation,

but never
a bull's testicles.

(LAUGHING)

I've only seen
one other pair
that size in my life.

GENE: Really?
My Aunt Margaret.

Totally killed her career
as a cricket player.

(MEN SINGING IN SPANISH)

(GURGLING)

GENE: I like it.

Seems like some visiting
idiot politician's gonna
give a speech out there.

AMERICAN POLITICIAN:
In friendship,
mutual interest...

(TRANSLATOR
SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

And respect...

(TRANSLATING IN SPANISH)

I bring you heartfelt
good wishes...

(TRANSLATING IN SPANISH)

And felicitations
from your American cousins,
north of the Rio Grande...

(TRANSLATING IN SPANISH)

...on this auspicious
and symbolic...

(ALL MURMURING)

Ole.

FIELDS:
Get out of here!

Oh, watch out,
you'll break your of furniture
against door taco.

Well, I know
one thing.

It's not my agent.
He doesn't try
that hard.

(MEN LAUGHING)

We're stronger
than the brass pelio.

(BANGING CONTINUES)

God, I hope
it's the maid.

(MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(MEN LAUGHING)

I thought
I'd find you here.

Hi, Harry.

This is it, Bill.
This is the last
goddamn straw.

You made a complete
horse's ass
out of yourself.

Do you know what it cost
the studio
to get you out of jail?

I'll pay you back
right now, Harry.

You got change
for five, Gene?

Sorry. Never carry
any big bills
on Thursday.

This is serious,
you goddamn clowns!
We've got a picture to finish!

What is this idiotic
obsession to...

To impress each other
by how much booze
you can drink

and how many women
you can allegedly screw?

A psychiatrist ought to have
something to say about this.

Listen, I don't care
what you say to me,

but I care
what you say
to my friends!

'Cause my friends
are precious to me.

Well, if they were
really your friends,

not help you
pour it down your throat
and kill yourself, Bill.

Keep out of this, Dave!
Listen to me!

What do you know
about real men?

Real men drink together.

And real men
screw together.

But what the hell
would you know
about that, Harry?

Well, what are you
looking at?
Go on, eat, drink.

I'll tell you
something else.

I'll finish your...picture

and I'll tear up the contract
and I'll sign with
some other stupid studio.

You'll fulfill your contract
with me,

or I'll have you blackballed
at every studio in this town.

What's wrong?

He's threatening me.

Making a threat
that only a drunk
would make.

You're an alcoholic, Bill.

You hurt not only yourself,
but everybody around you.

Shut up. Just shut up.
That isn't true.

Isn't it?

Ask him something.

Ask him why,
when I liked
your screen test

and wanted to put you
under contract,

you're not
making pictures?

Ask him that.

Ask him
why he killed it.

Ask him.

What's he talking about?

Is he telling me
you killed it for me?

You let me feel
that I was that bad?

Why would
you do that to me?

I was just...

I was trying
to protect ya.

That's all.

Protect you from the pimps,
the casting couches,

the cheap actors.

I was trying to protect you,
that's all.

Protect me?

It seems the only thing
I need protection from
is you.

You're right.

Oh, you're right. I am

petty and

cheap.

You know I'm possessive.

But how could you do
something so underhanded
to me?

Well,

as my dearly departed
Papa once said,

"Anything worth having,

"it's worth cheating for."

Stop it!
Just stop it!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Quit hiding behind that
cheap vaudevillian delivery!

Speaking of vaudeville,

reminds me
of the vaudevillian

who spent the night
with a blind hooker...

For Christ sakes,
shut up!

Your brain so goddamned
pickled you don't know
when to shut up, Jack?

Chinaman!

No more Chinaman!

I'm going to New York
where you can't
kill my chances.

FIELDS: When I realized
that Leon always carried
a roll of mints,

all the pieces
fell into place.

I was a mint carrier myself,
until I owned up
to being a boozer.

Leon's sneaking alcohol,
however, has not changed
my deep affection for him.

Lucky for colored orphans.

I am, at this writing,
an unemployed actor.

Harry Bannerman swears
I'll never work
at the studio again,

and contractually,
I cannot work at any other.

I'm also
on the crappola list
with Dave Chasen,

having used
his fine restaurant

to punch out
another movie critic.

Although, I'm not the type
to assign guilt,

if I am hostile
and pugnacious,
it's entirely your fault.

Signed with love,
and the hope that this letter
does not depress you.

Fields.

(BELL RINGING)

(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

Happy birthday,
Ludwig.

Willie! Oh!

Oh, thank you!

Yeah. How goes it?

It goes good.

And you?

Me? It goes, ah...
up and down.
Up and down.

Listen. I'm a few days early,

but I brought
your birthday present.

Ja?
Ja. Don't move.

Ja.

You be gentle with her.

I'm not gonna tell her
how many hearts
you've broken.

FIELDS: It's been three months
since I heard a word
from the studio.

It seems like a supreme
battle of wills between
Harry Bannerman and myself.

I'm not sleeping a wink,
even though we are
well into the rainy season.

I was banned from
the friars club last night

for mashing
an egg salad sandwich

in the face
of a brother friar.

but when one has
been misused by life,
he will soon misuse others.

Hope while
you're away from me

you're not being
too promiscuous.

Love, Fields.

Send it straight wire.
Message.

Dear Carlotta,
have terrible news.

Jack Barrymore
died suddenly last night.

Stop.

Funeral, Thursday.

What I'd give
for one drink with him.

I'm glad you didn't
paint him up too much.

Will he have
a fresh carnation for
the funeral tomorrow?

Fresh carnation?
Yeah.

You got it.

What time
is the funeral?

10 a.m.

Hope we get him
back in time.

Oh, he wouldn't
want to miss it.

He's actually looking
goddamned good
for such a sick man.

Ah, the lucky
son of a bitch.

He... He finally got to
wear his new suit.

I know why he's not drinking.
Look at that.
The ice is melted.

You know,
it's the first time

he didn't knock
my cheap booze.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Coast Guard.

(FIELDS TALKING)

What was that, sir?

Do I think the
atmospheric conditions have
changed in the last 10 years?

Well, ah...
I really don't think.
I... I'm not sure, sir.

Seems to you the weather
in California is changing?

Not as much rain?

Well, I feel like
I only really sleep
when it rains.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I think I'm being burgled.

You'd better
call the police.
I'll hang up.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(SIGHS)

Jesus Christ!
I thought you were a burglar.

Well, are you glad
to see me?

Why'd you decide
to come back?

Not enough push
for New York?

I came back because
I couldn't stand the way
you were suffering.

Especially
since Jack died.

And I sensed
in your last letter

that you may have
changed your mind
about wanting to marry me.

Well, Jack's death
grieved me deeply.

Part of my life is gone.

Welcome home, Chinaman.

Jack's death must've been
a terrible shock for you.

Well, ah, it wasn't
a shock, exactly.
You know, I...

I kept my eye on Jack.
(CHUCKLES)

I mean,
I watched him. I...

I saw him
failing swiftly and...

I watched
what it did to him.

And you realized
something about yourself?

Jack was a great artist.
He was one of a kind.
He was brilliant.

But he didn't have
my constitution, you see.

Now, to some people,
alcohol is a poison.

See?
Like a chemical reaction.

And me, all my life,
I've been lucky.

I mean, all it ever
gave me was a

(WHISTLING)

hangover.

Oh, ah...

By the way,

about marriage, ah...

I think we should.

Eventually.

Eventually.

We can't do it right away,
you see, because, ah,
I got a picture coming up.

I mean, I had a meeting
with Bannerman.

Now, he didn't kiss my ass
and I didn't kiss his ass.

We're... We're on
equal terms again, sort of

egalite.

Going to do a picture
with Mae West.
You like her?

A lady with abundant charm
and wit.

She and I have reached
complete accord
on the script,

except for my entrance.

She'd like me

not to enter at all.

Okay.

Eight ball.

Nemesis of the Nimble.

Ah, I better get out
my special weapon.

Here we go.
Come to me, my sweetheart.

The mother.

Here it is,
the one and only Minerva.

(LA CAVA SHUSHING)

Given to me
by a retired dentist
named Gums.

Ah, I'll try this
the hard way.

Cut!

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, very much.

I'd like to take
this opportunity

to introduce to you
my favorite
lady bartender.

She never goes anywhere

without a purse full
of twists, olives
and pearls.

Pearl onions that is.

Hope you'll soon be
entertaining overseas,
Mr. Fields.

Oh, God freed Daniel.

Yeah, oh, I plan
to do better
than that, my dear.

In fact, as some
of the members
of the press are here,

I'd like to, ah,
make this announcement.

That upon the completion
of this film,

I plan to join
Mr. Clark Gable,
Mr. Jimmy Stewart

and Mr. Gary Cooper

in combat duty
overseas.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

MAN:
We can't use you.

What do you mean
you can't use me?

You gotta use me.
You have to use me.

It's in all
the newspapers.

You put me
in your friggin' war

and it'll be over
in two weeks.

Now, wait a minute!
You put my buddies
in with me,

and it'll only take
a week longer.

No, I'm afraid, Mr. Fields,
you're just a little too old.

Old? Wait.
Wait a second.
Wait a minute.

I got the heart,
the lungs and the bladder
of a 19-year-old.

But listen... Listen.

From where I stand,
I have serious doubts
about your physical fitness.

And don't laugh.

I had an uncle,
he died 20 years ago.

We dug him up last Wednesday,
and he looks
better than you do.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Where have you been?

I've been having
a helluva time.

Fowler, La Cava and I,
we went down to the
Army Induction Center...

Someone's waiting
for you.

He'll have to wait.
We went down to the
Army Induction Center...

He says he is your son.

He's in the living room.

You never told me
you had a son.

Because I never told
anybody.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Sit down.

How about a drink?

I don't drink.

You don't drink?

Just soft drinks.

You're no son of mine!
You're an imposter!

I'll tell you
what you are.

You're a Patagonian
half breed.
A refugee Aztec.

I'm sorry to
disappoint you, sir.

I'll tell you
something else.

I was very fair
to your mother.

I've sent her a check
every week ever since
we've been married

and a little something extra
on Christmas.

I know that.

Why'd you come here?

Because you're my father
and I haven't seen you
since I was three.

To me, you're
the funniest man alive.

Because
I'm your father?

No. I don't think so.

Funniest,
including everybody?

Including everybody.

Including Chaplin?

Including Chaplin.

Well...

(CHUCKLES)

I've succeeded
with my son.

Never tried,

but I've succeeded.

I was a son of a bitch
to your mother,
you know that, don't you?

Who'd expect W.C. Fields
to be anything else?

Where are you staying?

My bags are at the Y.

At the Y, huh?
Well, I'll tell you what
I want you to do.

Tomorrow morning

I want you to
get your bags

and, ah...

bring 'em here,

Son.

(CAR DRIVING AWAY)

Please, try not to hate me.

I don't hate you.

But why didn't you ever
tell me you were married?

I never told anyone.

Because marriage
is for guys who
are poor fish and suckers.

A real man don't go
running home to the
little woman at dinner time.

He goes any place he pleases
and he stays
as long as he likes

and he boozes
and he doesn't
let any woman nail him.

That's not a man.
That's a boy
trying to act like a man.

Oh! Oh!
(SOBBING) Oh, oh!

Oh, my God!
Oh. Oh.

(AMBULANCE SIRENS WAILING)

Well, he's stable now.

Oh, thank God.

I think you ought to know
he's a very, very sick man.

If he ever takes
another drink in his life,
he's committing suicide.

Well, I'm going to
get some sleep.
Why don't you, huh?

He told me he drank
a quart of gin every day
for 30 years.

Is that true?

He lied.

I thought so.

He drank two.

Holy Christ!

One time I said to him,
"It's either our friendship
or liquor.

"Which will it be?"

"When it comes to loyalty,
I've known liquor
a lot longer."

What the hell goes on
between you two?
A conspiracy?

Now, whose idea was it to
stick me with that morbid-
looking San Francisco quack?

You know what
that anemic idiot did?

He cut off my booze!

If he ever took a stiff drink,
they'd have to put him on ice
and put a tag on his toe.

I, ah...got to talk to him.
We, ah, talked quite a bit.

He seems all right.

Would you like
to sit down?

Thank you.

While I was in the room
he told me all about you.

He said that
he loved you very much.

Listen.

I want to thank you
for being so good
to my father.

He's been very lucky
to have you.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Why don't you try
to get some sleep?

I can't sleep.

I'm never gonna
sleep in a hospital.

I want to go home.

You can go home
when you're well.

Oh, Chinaman,
I'm a mean old
bag of sticks

and the man
in the satin sandals

is not gonna get me
for a long, long time.

Please?

Isn't there anywhere
you can get me a drink?

Absolutely not.

You have to make a pledge
never to drink again.

You got the pledge.
Now, let's drink to it.

Don't be funny.

Okay.

(SIGHING)

(WHISPERING) Oh, Chinaman,
I wish I could sleep.

I wish to God
I could sleep.

Why doesn't it rain?

Do you want me to
rub your back for you?

Might help you relax.

The only thing
that would help me relax

would be

a couple martinis
and no olives.

Now, you go
get some rest.

Go on.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SOFT CLATTERING)

(RAIN PATTERING)

CARLOTTA:
Fields slept that night,

and in the morning,
stormed out of the hospital

calling the doctor
a half-breed (CHUCKLING)
Communist quack.

I started to think
he was indestructible
or the luckiest man alive.

But Fields' luck finally
ran out on Christmas day
of 1946.

Among the thousands
of letters and telegrams
people sent,

the most ironic
came from Charlie Chaplin.

Who said that Fields
had a genius for comedy

that often made him
feel envious.

The films of W.C. Fields
have lived on and on.

So as hard
as it would have been
for Fields to admit it,

maybe Charlie Chaplin,
was right.

(INAUDIBLE)