Voodoo Soup (1994) - full transcript

(whipping)

(rock music)

(tiger growling)

(rock music)

(tearing)

(rock music)

(cow mooing)

(rock music)

(laughing)

(baby crying)

(groaning)



(tearing)

- [Announcer] Introducing Ralph the Cook's

new like of personal care
products. (explosion)

You know cook for his great food.

Now try these hot new items.

Midnight Madness, class
1000 sunblock for vampires.

From Cook's Health Spas
comes tender rub massage oil,

now with extra strength
tranquilizers to help you relax.

For the living, Wolf Off and Bat Away

Vampire Repellent for broads.

And now Cook's secret recipe, Voodoo Soup,

comes in convenient single serving cans.

And don't forget, at Cook's
Catering and Herbal Massage,

we pay cash for used body parts.



So if you have any brains at all,

why don't you bring 'em to
Ralph the Cook, member FPIG.

(upbeat jazz music)

(door creaking)

(spooky organ music)

(fire crackling)

(tribal drumbeat)

(children playing)

(wolves howling)

- Oh! (gasps)

Oh, fire.

Oh, somebody, fire.

(children yelling)

- Ow, ow.

(gasps)

Fire, oh please, somebody help me.

Fire, ow, fire.

- Stand back, stand back,
never fear, Cookie is here.

Oh my God, what is this?

(blows)

Okay.

What was that supposed to be, anyway?

- Well, it was baked Alexis, but...

- Oh, you burned yourself, wait a minute.

Here, hold this.

Give me your finger.

- My God, you're Cook! The Cook.

Your sunscreen, I use it ever day.

It changed my live.

- I'm so glad.

Have you tried the new morning shade?

- No, how does it work?

- Well, it's the latest rage.

Use it just like wallpaper.

Hang it up over the windows.

Now this plastic is specially coated

to stop 110% of those killer morning rays.

You can even paint it.

- Listen, I'm new in
town, just starting out.

And I'm told that you know Sylvina.

- Well, I do all her cooking.

- Really?

- Well all the top vampires
in town are my clients.

Why?

- Well, I'm a new vampire
just starting out,

and I need to join a family.

- A vampire?

Oh boy, Sylvina hates competition.

- I know, that's why I need your help.

(thunder)

- I don't know, you're not
exactly the right type.

- What do you mean?

- You're look is all wrong.

Sylvina would never stand for it.

- My look.

What's wrong with my look?

- Oh for crying out soft, that old sickly,

half head, black fingernail
polish look is out.

- Really? Since when?

- Where have you been hanging?

The Transylvania look this
season is glamour, classy.

- Look, you know Sylvina of Transylvania.

You can tell her about me.

I'm a great vampire, really I am.

- You've got a lot to learn.

- Teach me.

- Me? I don't have time.

- Please, oh please.

- Under one condition.

- Anything, I'll do anything.

- That's the condition.

- Oh, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.

(kisses)

Thank you.

(kisses)

(disco music)

(squishing)

- (sighs) Thanks, I
always wanted to try that.

- (laughs) Now it's your turn.

- Okay, next we need to work on the bite.

- Okay, I'm ready.

- Okay, pretend I'm your next victim,

lock me in the bat stare,
and go for the throat.

Just pretend, now.

- Of course.

(clears throat)

(disco music)

(sighs)

- Wrong! Wrong!

Jeez, you watch too much TV.

- Sorry, I'm new at this.

You have to show me.

- (sighs) Okay, look, the whole thing

should be pure ecstasy.

When Sylvina looks at you in the eyes

you feel warm all over.

And the bite, it should
be slow and gentle.

- Really, slow and gentle.

Then how do you get your
victim to hold still?

- Well, three bites and
they're immortal, right?

- So?

- Soooo, you're giving them strength.

They love it.

- Oh, I never thought of it that way.

- Here, let me show you the difference.

Now this is the way you do it.

(disco music)

- Roar!

- Yes, yes, I love it!

- Oh, no, no, no, no, it's
not the classy European style.

- It's not?

- No.

Okay, now this is the way Sylvina does it.

- You'll be gentle with me?

- Very funny, now pay attention.

- Okay, how's this.

- That's good.

Now, look directly into
the pupils of their eyes.

Get them to relax.

- Oh, that's nice.

What are you doing later?

- Will you be serious?

- Okay.

- Now, that's it.

Next kiss them gently on the lips.

- Like this

Ahr.

- [Both] Mmmm.

(squishing)

- [Cook] That's it.

(disco music

(squishing)

You got it.

Now, work slowly down the neck.

- Oh, so I don't scare 'em, right?

- Right, your learning, your learning.

Oh, this teaching stuff is great.

- Uh, now what do I do?

- Now the bite has gotta be subtle.

Pretend you're sucking a golf
ball through a garden hose.

(laughs)

Ow! Just kidding, just kidding.

(disco music)

(squishing)

(disco music)

Wow, Sylvina is gonna love you!

- Really?

- You'll fit right in.

- So, you're gonna tell her about me?

- Well, sure.

- Great, thank you.

Now, here's my picture and resume.

The photos are kind of the old one,

but I'm getting some new shots soon.

- Fine.

Look, I left a little lite
lunch for you in the oven.

Just give it a minute, no more, on high.

- You're leaving?

- You don't need me anymore.

- Don't say that, I...

- Look, it's no good.

I'm a 90s kind of a guy.

You have your whole death in front of you.

Now don't worry, I'm gonna
keep an eye on you, kid.

(pouts)

(water trickling)

(wind blowing)

- Hey, what about dinner?

- [Cook] Just call out and
have something delivered.

(sighs)

(rock music)

(dial tone)

(rock music)

(door bell ringing)

- Boy, I am famished.

(rock music)

Just a minute, I'm coming.

(rock music)

- (sighs) Oh, great, a lesbo.

I need a drink. You got any rum?

- I think so.

Sit down, and I'll be right back.

(rock music)

(plop)

(fizzing)

(rock music)

There's your drink.

- Thanks hun.

Alright, here we go.

♫ Share my love

♫ And now I want to share my life, oh

♫ With you since the first time I saw you

♫ With you, I need your love,

♫ With you, you don't know it now,

♫ With you, I want your love

♫ With you, since the first time I saw you

♫ With you, I need your love

♫ With you, you don't know it now

♫ With you, I want your love

♫ With you-- ♫

(biting)

(slurping)

(gulping)

(slurping)

(belches)

♫ Jumping little fishes in the ocean

♫ Boopoo boop ♫

- Okay, food's here.

Oh great, a feminist.

Here, take this.

- Thanks, you wimp.

- [Cook] Pussy.

- [Woman] You wish.

- Okay, look, this should
keep you 'til I get back.

- I hope it's enough.

- You worry too much.

♫ I brought you a little treat ♫

Lady fingers anyone?

- Oh, my favorite!

- Ah ah, how 'bout a little kiss first?

Mm mm mm!

I said little, damn it.

- That was little.

You wanna see big?

- No thanks, I'm tryin' to cut down.

(thunder)

All right, listen up.

I fixed several quick meals.

Just follow the instructions on the card.

- Where are you off to this time?

- He's going on another plant safari.

- I found this great
new spot that has tons

of herbs and spices unknown to modern man.

I'm trying to find some new
stuff for my secret recipes.

- When do you leave?

- I'm catching the redeye out tonight.

So, how's living going?

Has Rowena bagged any more vampires?

- Oh, she's tracking a couple now.

She ought to have 'em staked
out by the time you get back.

- Sylvina sure keeps her busy.

- I hate competition.

This town is getting overgrazed.

We can't have the game
disappear, now can we?

- I guess not.

- I hope you're taking
along a guide this time.

We can't have anything happen to you.

Who will cook our victims?

- It's no problem, I'm goin' club dead.

- Hey, cool.

(creepy music)

- Come back to us.

- Hey, ey, ey, not the bat stare.

Why do you have to control
everybody you meet?

You don't have to bite me, doll.

I'm yours, and I'm outta here.

- Let's eat, I'm starved.

(wolf howling)

- I'm so hungry I could eat a cowboy.

(crunching)

(comical car horn)

- Hey, flapjack, what's cookin'?

- Hey, you big Dick, what
the hell you doin' here?

- Official private detective
business, new client.

Body guard work.

- What, Sylvina?

- Yeah, you know her?

- Well, hell yes, I do all her cooking.

- Small world.

- Yeah, listen, I gotta get going.

I'll call you when I get back, all right?

- All right, that'd be good.

I'd like to get some shootin'
before the rainy season comes.

- What rainy season?

This is California.

- Hey, anything I'm supposed
to know about Sylvina?

- Well yeah, just don't eat with her.

- I'm a good cook, but
they like the weird stuff.

- Monkey brains, trite, blech.

- Well, brains, yes.

- Hey, get outta my way, will you?

- All right.

(engine starts)

See ya man.

- [Cook] Yep

(tires screeching)

(crashing)

(clatter)

(spooky organ music)

(junk clatters)

(chain jangling)

(church bell rings)

(spooky organ music)

(bubbling)

- Wrenfield! Wrenfield!

(silverware clanging)

(people conversing)
- Mm.

- Rowena caught you a nice
breakfast, as you ordered.

(sighs)

She's such a gem.

- Germ, you mean.

- Stop being jealous.

Your night will come.

- When?

I'm getting tired of waiting
on you hand and foot.

I want my own slaves.

- Mm.

Yeah, construction workers, probably.

- Just because you like wimps.

(junk clattering)

- You're such a bitch in the morning.

- Thank you, I try.

By the way, Rowena says
she saw Cook downtown

selling voodoo soup to
a band of werewolves,

and she thinks that he's
cooking for other vampires too.

(junk clattering)

- Rowena will hunt down
those fleabag wolfmen.

And I have a plan to find the location

of the rest of Cooks new clients.

- Cool, what is it?

(laughs)

- Cook's best friend.

- Dic Butkyse, the private detective?

- Mm-hm.

- Wow, tricky.

- He's great at finding people.

Whiles Cook is Africa, I'll
suck Dic's neck three times.

- Right, he can tell us
who cooks new clients are.

Wow master, you're so smart.

- I know that.

We'll clean the house in one fell swoop.

(junk clattering)

Just send the detective out to me.

I'll be out in the spa.

He'll be mine before Cook returns.

(people conversing)

(dishes clattering)

(rock music)

(cuckooing)

♫ When the night comes down all around us

♫ And once again I'll hold you in my arms

♫ And when I rise be
there in the darkness ♫

- 10:36, approaching subject residence.

(door bell rings)

♫ I will love you forever

♫ Love you forever ♫

(crunching)

(water drops)

(door bell rings)

10:37, could be trouble, going for tools.

♫ For eternity

♫ I will hold on to this
love that we share tonight

♫ I am yours, you are mine,
we will never be free ♫

10:42, door impenetrable.

Standing perimeter.

♫ Love you forever, forever ♫

10:49, low wall, I'm going in.

♫ I will love you forever

♫ Love you forever, forever

♫ Ooh ooh ooh ♫

Whoa!

(splash)

- Nice of you to drop in.

- Oh, nice of you to dress up.

I'm Dic from the agency.

You Sylvina?

- Yes.

Oh, but you're all wet.

Here, let me help you.

Look into my eyes.

(creepy music)

(growling)

- Oh boy.

(slurping)

(moaning)

♫ I will love you forever

♫ Love you forever, forever

♫ I'm gonna love you forever

♫ Oh oh ♫

(plane engine)

(safari music)

(tiger growling)

(monkeys chattering)

(monkeys hooting)

(fire crackling)

(dishes clattering)

- Here, you look like
you could use a drink.

- Thanks, I need one. (laughs)

(monkeys chattering)

(fire crackling)

(clears throat)

- So tell me, what do you
wanna be when you grow up?

- Promise you won't laugh.

- 'Course I will.

- Oh, stop it.

(dishes clanking)

Ever since I was a little girl,

I've always dreamed of
being a TV anchor person.

- You are out of your mind.

- Why?

- Well, that's one tough job, kid.

Oh, you gotta have beauty, brains, and--

(blowing)

and talent.

(monkeys chattering)

(birds chirping)

(drumbeat)

(tiger growling)

(monkeys chattering)

(tiger growling)

(monkeys chattering)

(tiger growling)

(monkeys chattering)

(tiger bellows)

(monkeys chattering)

- Ooh!

(tribal music)

and brawn.

(fire crackling)

(blows)

(monkeys chattering)

(dishes clanging)

God, do you really think you
can handle all that, kid?

- No, I don't know what I'll do.

(monkeys chattering)

All I know is that I have to get

out of this jungle tour business.

(laughs)

I'm kind of tired of camping
out with strange men.

- Well, thanks a lot.

- Oops. (laughs)

I'm sorry.

(ripping)

(tiger growling)

- That feels good.

(tiger growling)

(cracking)

(hissing)

(birds chirping)

(moans)

Why don't you try mud wrestling?

- Oh, I don't know
anything about wrestling.

- You want a quick lesson?

- Sure!

(groans)

(crowd cheering)

I win. (laughs)

I'm really hungry.

When's dinner?

(fire roars)

- Dinner is served.

- Well, what took you so long?

(thumping heartbeat)

(banging gong)

- Uh, what kind of basic sauce is this?

- It's all ready, Chief.
- Now we eat.

(groans)

- Wait! He's a union brother.

Voodoo Cooks 405.

- We're local 101.

- Hey, secret handshake.

- Voodoo Cooks, meat
specialist, we must negotiate.

- [Group] Speech, speech,
speech, speech, speech.

- Brothers, brothers.

(fire crackling)

- [Voiceover] My brothers of
Headhunters Local 101, hear me.

Your chief tells me the tribe
has fallen on hard times.

Your jungle is being burned down

to make coffee plantations
and cow pastures.

Soon, you will hunt the flesh no more.

Hey look, why stay here and be wiped out?

Why not do what ever other
tired and poor people do?

Emigrate to America.

Back home I'm known as quite the cook.

I own a catering company.

I supply all the local cannibals.

You move the tribe, I'll
supply Sunday brunch.

Why stay here in the
jungle and starve to death,

when you could come to America?

(frog croaking)

Where you accepted not on the basis

of what you eat, not on
the color of your skin,

but you're ability to pay taxes regularly.

(frog croaking)

(fire crackling)

(monkeys chattering)

Come on guys, can't you see I'm sleeping?

- Chief sent me to take care of you.

- Come on, I don't need
somebody to take care of me.

I gotta, hey, right here is kinda painful.

Had a little trouble
today with the tour guide.

- Is this okay?

- Yeah.

(fire roaring)

(gunfire)

(natives whooping) (gunfire)

(army trumpet) (gunfire)

(horses galloping) (cowboys
hollering) (cows mooing)

(natives whooping) (gunfire)

(army trumpet) (gunfire)

(snoring)

(country music)

♫ Country sunshine every
time the four winds blow

♫ I'm reminded how you
came and loved me so

♫ Such a great time I
have had since I met you

♫ And now my stormy days
have gone to sunshine through

♫ There'd been some bad
days, some bad friends

♫ I almost lost my mind

♫ When the woman I'd been livin' for

♫ one day thought I was blind

♫ With a broken heart this lonely man

♫ Thought all of hope was gone

♫ But suddenly you appeared
and I sang my sunshine song

♫ Country sunshine every
time the four winds blow

♫ I'm reminded how you
came and loved me so

♫ Such a great time I
have had since I met you

♫ And now my stormy days
are gone to sunshine through

♫ Don't ever give up

♫ Hey, c'mon, get up

♫ Just shake yourself and go

♫ If it seems that it don't work out

♫ There's gotta be a better way to go

♫ Don't dwell on your circumstance

♫ Just keep your head up high

♫ And suddenly you'll see
you'll find your own sunshine

♫ Country sunshine every
time the four winds blow

♫ I'm reminded how you
came and loved me so

♫ Such a great time I
have had since I met you

♫ And now my stormy days
are gone to sunshine through

♫ Now my stormy days are
gone to sunshine through ♫

- Yeah, Mrs. Jones, would you find

your husband's shoe size for me please?

Shoe size, yes that's right.

Yeah, I'll hold.

- Hey, how's it going?

You stay right where you are.

I just dropped by to
drop you off some soup.

Oh yeah special bitin'
today I'm telling ya.

I've got some great targets
for gun shooting later.

You wanna go and take a couple shots?

- You bring the grub,
I'll bring the targets.

- I brought you some
tender rub for your ankle.

Still sore?

- Oh, yeah, you came just in time.

- Here, I got just the
thing for you, how's that?

- Oh, that's nice.

- Isn't that wonderful.
- Oh.

- The muscles relax.

- Yeah.

- Just gets warm all ov--

- All right, okay.

You better?

- Mm, where you been all day.

- Fishing man, I got a
big one today, I tell ya.

- Oh.

- Okay, listen, I gotta go.

I'll see you later.

I got some of that chicken
breast sandwich for ya.

- Oh, the best meat I ever tasted.

You gotta send me the recipe some time,

so I won't be at your mercy.

- Oh no, gourmet's only as
good as it's secret recipe.

Hey, you bring the targets, huh?

- Okay.

- Bye hon.

(water trickling)

- Whoa.

(giggling)

- Wash my back?

- What are you doing here?

(laughs)

- Chief sent me to protect you.

- You've gotta be kidding.

- You're too invaluable to the
tribe to leave unprotected.

- For protection, a little thing like you?

What are you supposed to be able to do?

(water trickling)

Holy shit! Ah!

- This won't hurt, much. (laughs)

- Oh, oh great, great!

Ooh, I love aggressive women.

(water trickling)

(moans)

(water trickling)

There, that's better.

Jeez, don't they feed you at home?

Now then, what's your name again, honey?

- You bastard.

(water trickling)

(creepy music)

(birds chirping)

What's that for?

- Protection.

- From who?

- You, who else?

No, I'm kidding.

I promised my buddy Dic I'd

meet him for some target practice.

- Who's he.

- He's a private detective.

I've known him for years.

- Detective? Isn't that risky?

- Nope, I've been human breast sandwiches.

He doesn't know it,
but now he's one of us.

- I thought you you were
(mumbling) this afternoon.

- Well, I do, I do, but I'm
gonna meet her at the range.

She loves the outdoors, she says.

- Well when you're out,
pick someone up for lunch.

- I will, that's a good idea.

(laughs)

See you later on.

- Okay.

(birds chirping)

(gunshots)

- Howdy partner.

- Well howdy, how's
the bodyguard business?

- Good, she gave me the
rest of the day off.

I see your mixing business with pleasure.

- Hey Trigger, say hello to
my faithful sidekick, Dic.

- High there.

(gunshot)

- Ma'am.

Who's a dish, she looks
good enough to eat.

- Yeah, she's new client.

I thought I'd have her for lunch.

- Good idea.

- Hey, what's with the fish?

You know I'm allergic.

- Well I picked them up
at the animal shelter.

They're gonna feed 'em to the piranha.

I thought I'd bring 'em out
here for target practice.

At least then they'd die like men.

- Cool, I get the white one.

- Oh, I think he likes you.

Hey, what's with all the gunfire?

- Oh, it's groundhog day.

(mellow rock music)

♫ Bless me Lord so that
I don't have to care

♫ Got so much that I'm okay

♫ Hold me Lord, make
me feel safe and secure

♫ Try my heart so that
I might be made pure

♫ I really love you Lord

♫ I really need you Lord

♫ I've got to have you Lord in my life

♫ In my life

♫ Help me Lord

♫ Trap your words inside my heart ♫

I don't like fish anyway.

- Yeah, hey all this
shooting's making me hungry.

You promised me some lunch.

- Hey, how 'bout a breast sandwich?

- I accept.

- You like basil?

- Yeah.

- Man, I can't hit shit today.

♫ And my thoughts and my
words be pleasing to you

♫ I really love you Lord

♫ I really need your Lord

♫ I've got to have you Lord in my life

♫ In my life

♫ Help me to meet the
conditions in my heart ♫

(bottle reverberates)

(gunfire)

- What's with the leaves.

(gunfire)

- Oh, it's basil.

I find that massage with herbs

and spices it cleanses the spirit.

- Yeah, with the sun today,

you'll probably fry her chakras off.

- More breast?

- No, man, I'm stuffed.

Oh, gotta go.

♫ Ooh ♫

(engine starting)

- Whoa.

♫ Ooh

♫ Bless me Lord ♫

- Hey, you hungry.

- Mm-hm.

- Well listen, why don't
you come over to my studio?

I'll make you lunch.

♫ Not so much that I'm not... ♫

(birds chirping)

- [Patricia] Ready.

- Oh, terrific.

(laughs)

- She's in a deep trance,
won't feel a thing.

- Great, let's eat, I'm starved.

- Dibs on the neck.

- Hey, I get the thigh.

(laughs)

(tiger growling)

(thunder)

- [Wrenfield] Tell her what you told me.

- Take it easy, mama.

- Tell me what you know.

- Well, the tribe's almost here now,

and we're real anxious to try some of

that blonde tar tar, the one
Ralph's been tellin' us about.

- [Sylvina] Who is this?

- [Chief] That's Princess Patricia.

I sent her ahead to protect Cook.

Good cooks are hard to find, you know.

- I see.

- Cook, he's a real nice guy.

He cooks for all the local man eaters,

and he could always use another client.

- Rowena caught him
poaching over at East Beach.

- My God, not the happy hunting grounds!

- That's the place.

Apparently, Cook ran into these guys

on his jungle herb safari,
and now they're here.

- Holy shit, we must find this slut.

- Don't worry, I'll get
Rowena to take care of her.

- No! Wait.

(sighs)

(thunder)

Cook is the only cannibal chef around.

I'll get Dic to find her for us.

Cook will never suspect his best friend.

- What about this guy?

- This guy?

You can keep him.

I'm not hungry.

(thunder)

(rock music)

♫ Love turns up in the strangest places

♫ All you gotta do is open your eyes

♫ Got caught in a situation

♫ Make it quick before the moment dies

♫ I don't want a runaway love, no

♫ I don't have time

♫ I don't want a runaway love, no

♫ Don't runaway babe tonight

♫ I know it's hard to take those chances

♫ You just might end
up changing your ways ♫

(mechanical clatter)

♫ La la la la la la la ♫
(film reel humming)

- Hey, you got a regular
movie theater set up here.

- Nice of you to drop by.

- Well, I've tried to stay away,

but I couldn't keep you off my mind.

How 'bout a little kiss.

Whoa!
(clatter)

Jeez, just kidding.

- You asshole!

- Whoa, you love it.

You're pretty excitable today.

What's up?

- Paying customer, that's what's up.

That Sylvina woman called today.

Something about a missing person?

- No shit.

- Better drag your fat ass
over there before you lose her.

- Hey, I'm trying to lose a few pounds.

- Well, baby.

Call me when you lose a few,
and maybe I'll have you over.

- Well, I'd like to have you over.

Over my knee. Whoa!

(dishes clattering)

(glass breaking)

(tribal drumbeat)

- I love him, why can't I tell him?

- Tell him what, that you're
a blood sucking vampire?

- He'll understand.

- Anyway, he's not our kind.

You should marry one of your own people.

(army trumpet)

Jeez, what's that for?

- Bigots.

- Now, you wait just a minute!

- Cram it, bozo. Not our kind?

Where do you think you
are, back in the jungle?

This is America damn it.

(clapping)

(explosion)

- Isn't she great?

My little blood sucker the citizen.

- You mean you know what
I am and you don't care.

- Hell no, you're perfect.

I have this fabulous
recipe for vampire stew.

(sighs)

- You asshole. (laughs)

- Could use some now, Jackson.

(tribal drumbeat)

- So you'll help me find
my missing daughter, right?

- (laughs) Yeah, I mean I'll try.

What's the scoop?

- This is her photograph.

(tribal drumbeat)

Her name is Patricia.

She's been missing two days now.

You simply must find the poor dear.

- Why not go to the police?

(fire crackling)

(sighs)

- To be blunt, if Patricia dies

all the money from her
trust fund goes to me.

I'll be the first one
the police will suspect.

You must help me.

- What ever you say.

- Clown.

(fire roaring)

(classic rock music)

(humming)

(sighs)

♫ Do do do do do do ♫

(laughs) Oh, golly.

What the hell is this?

(boing)

(laughs) No.

- Welcome to Doctor Baby Ruth's.

How may I be of service?

- Velta, you work here?

- Well, yeah, with Dic
pays me, I need three jobs.

So, what's up?

- Well, I got this new girlfriend, see.

- Yeah.

- And every time we make love,

all she thinks about is biting my neck.

- Oh, I see.

- I thought if I could find
something to distract her.

- Now, you've come to the right place.

Come sit down.

- Okay.

(classic rock music)

- Now, this is one of
our more popular items.

It's called Cream Me.

- How does it work?

- Here, let me show you.

(classic rock music)

Now, say we're making out, right.

- Uh, like this?

- Yeah, that's right.

Okay, and you get a
little bit overexcited.

- I'm just whistling Dixie.

- Now, you go for the throat.

- Like this.

- Now what I do to get your
mind off of the biting is this.

- Whoa, mama!

(classic rock music)

(rumbling)

(classic rock music)

(moans)

- Oh, well.

Ooh, awe. (laughs)

(yawns)

(sighs)

- I think the banana pudding
is definitely a possibility.

- Mm-hm, and the strawberry
surprise is quite good too.

(classic rock music)

- Oh!

(water trickling)

Ah, the service in this place is terrific.

- Well, we aim to please, sir.

And you should come
back on Valentines day.

That's when we get the good stuff.

- I'll be here.

But now give me one of every thing.

- Very good, and will that
be cash, check, or charge?

- How 'bout trade.

(classic rock music)

(crowd chattering)

(sighs)

- Here's the stuffing,
but we're all out of milk.

- No problem, I'm finished here.

You pack in the stuffing and sew her up.

- Remember to eat non-fat.

- Oh bite it. Kidding.

I swear to God I was only kidding.

(laughs)

(rock music)

- You know, uh, I just want you to know

I'm a former member of
the police department,

and I think this is definitely kidnapping.

Kidnapping could get life to
torture and death sentence.

You know that, you know that.

- Do you like men in uniforms?

- [Bo Peep] I love men in uniforms.

(rock music)

- Well that's really not
bad, and you're really

quite something of an
artist, but I really--

- [Madame Butterfly] Come on, hold still.

- I think you should reconsider.

- [Madame Butterfly] You
have the butterfly on yet?

- No, I'm workin' on this--
- Oh my God!

- We'll get the wings done on yours.

- {Madame Butterfly] Okay.
(groans)

- I have money, I have money.

I can see that you're
not impressed by that.

My grandfather ran a chain of hotels.

Big man, left me lots and lots of money.

And I don't like butterflies.

- How 'bout flowers? I like flowers.

Pink ones.

(rock music)

- It's getting a bit nippley in here.

- Please! It only takes a little, please.

Didn't your mother ever
tell you what please means?

- Do you like--
- Help!

- [Madame Butterfly] Oh, dial it down.

Help! I'm being painted!

Painting, they're painting!

- Ooh.

- Help!

- [Bo Peep] Will you be quite.

- Yes.

- [Bo Peep] I stick my bra in your mouth.

- Help!

You know I'm remembering that film

when everybody died when
they got all painted.

I'm really kind of concerned.

Have you checked out
whether this is toxic?

- [Bo Peep] Oh, yes it's very good paint.

- [Dic] Really, I can
appreciate that this is the...

Look, I'm just a guy, I'm just a guy.

I do a job, I go around, I wear a hat,

I wear a raincoat, I watched
Hawaii Five 0 when I was a kid.

Please!

(rock music)

No! Help me!

- [Bo Peep] You know, I used
to were a raincoat, remember?

(chair banging)

- Help!

- [Bo Peep] Will you hold still?

Gosh, I get so excited.
- Please!

- [Cook] All right, hold it right there!

- Ooh. Hey!

- Hey, who are you?

- [Cook] Get outta here!

- Hey.

- What the hell was that all about ?

- Oh man, they're in love, I tell ya.

They just won't leave me alone.

- Really?
- Oh God.

- Why don't you wait for me outside.

I'll be along in a minute.

(rock music)

You guys have a little trouble

deciding what sex you wanna be, eh?

Let me help you out.

(sawing)

(sawing)

(rock music)

(sighs)

Oh, don't worry, guns don't kill people.

(gunshots)

Bullets kill people.

(shells hit floor)

(sighs)

- Hey, thanks. You're a madman.

- That I remembered.

Come on, let's get you
home and cleaned up.

(rock music)

Here you go.

Hey, I'll fix us a snack.

- Mm, fantastic.

You wouldn't have any more
of that breast, would ya.

- For you, always.

- Oh, that's great, that's so great.

(rock music)

Boy, that man of your sure surprised me.

- Yeah, you gotta watch
out for those little guys.

They're mean.

- Yeah, I guess.

Where is that goof anyway?

I'm so hungry I can dog meat.

- [Cook] Let's eat.

- Honey, Dic want's dog for lunch.

(snorting laugh)

- Eh, maybe next time.

- [Cook] Always the joker.

(rock music)

- Sweetheart, where's Misty?

- In Heaven, I hope.

- Oh, shut up.

- I can't figure it out.

Why would Sylvina say that Patricia

is her long lost daughter?

- [Cook] I don't know.

- Well we better find out.

- Well, thanks for lunch.

I think I'll mosey over and have

a little chat with the lady.

(cat meowing)

- What are we gonna do?

(cat meowing)

This locket belonged to Chief and

he'd never have given it up.

- Look, don't worry.

I'll go out and find Rowena.

We'll straighten this mess out.

- Be careful.

- What for, I'm immortal now aren't I?

(laughs)

(spooky organ music)

- Sylvina, the drapes for
the den look beautiful.

- Painting soothes the savage beast.

(spooky organ music)

- The door.

I'll get it, it might be my romeo, ooh.

(spooky organ music)

Well, hello there, don't
you look yummy today.

- Oh, get a life would ya?

- Okay, how 'bout yours?

- Call me later, babe.

- Sylvina's on the patio,
but she's very upset today.

- Well, so am I.

- Well, so am I.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in
the refrigerator cooling off.

(sighs)

(spooky organ music)

- Look you, why did you tell me

that Patricia was your daughter?

- We have no time for those stuff now.

Look into my eyes.

- What is it, what's the matter?

Let me help.

- Shh, listen we are running out of time.

This is a photo of my
real daughter, Rowena.

She has gone after them herself.

She's no match for a vampire,
and a heart of a headhunter.

You must find her.

Stop her before it's too late!

If she's caught, they'll
trace her back to me.

Do you understand?

- Well, not exactly.

- What?

- There's no such thing as vampires.

- Oh, really, then what
am I, Josefina Pla?

(growling)

(creepy music)

(slurping)

He's all mine now.

He'll take care of that bunch,
and no one will suspect us.

Take him back to town.

Now we have to find that fool Rowena.

- That's three pal, you're history.

(whistling)

(classic rock music)

♫ Lone wolf without a warning

♫ Your love is hardly for me

♫ I try to break away, it's
gettin' harder every day

♫ It's getting harder

♫ It's getting harder to break away

♫ Baby, your fire rages

♫ Our love gets several stages

♫ You're love won't fade away

♫ It's getting stronger every day

♫ It's getting harder

♫ I try to pay you some rain

♫ Forget the face that's in my brain

♫ It's hard, I wish I could

♫ I know I should, but you're so good

♫ You're so good ♫

- [Sylvina] Rowena, where are you?

You better stop what
you're doing and call me,

or I'll kick your ass.

You're no match for them you moron.

♫ Lone wolf without a warning

♫ Your love is hardly for me

♫ I try to break away

♫ It's getting harder... ♫

- I been all over town, nobody's seen her.

The thing that bugs me, is I
can't get Patricia off my mind.

I know I've seen her someplace before.

- You said she was from
out of the country.

Why don't you pay a visit
to your old partner,

Captain Dickweed, and maybe he'll let you

look through the immigration files.

- That's a good idea.

- Maybe something will jog your memory.

- Speaking of jogging, you're looking fit.

Here, let me check out your body fat.

- Don't you touch me, you creep.

You think I don't know
where you got those hickeys?

- You missed me, you missed
me, now you gotta kiss me.

Oh Betsy, saved my life again.

Hickeys, what in the hell
is she talking about?

(children playing)

- [Dic] Dick.

- [Dick] Yeah, Dic?

- [Dic] Dick, Dick, why are we here, Dick?

- Don't worry, I busted
these two hoes last week.

They owe 'cause I let 'em go.

They owe me big, just relax.

- I'll back you up.

- All right, we'll go.

I know they're home,
they're not answering.

Break it down on three.

- [Both] One, two...

(laughs)

- Really?

- Dick.

- Yeah?

Back me up.

- I'll back you up.

Girls, it's me, Dic!

(rock music)

♫ Everybody's singin' the blues

♫ And talkin' 'bout the woman they love

♫ Sittin' around squeezing the bottle

♫ Closing the bars in
the wee morning light

♫ Well I got love that makes me feel good

♫ I don't have no time
for singing the blues

♫ She makes me feel good ♫

(gunshot)

- Damn, Dic.

- All right, you are one
hell of, I had a great time!

(laughs)

Did I say that'd blow your mind or what?

(birds chirping)

Heya doll, lookin' for a real man?

- Actually I am, have you
seen any around lately?

- Me.

- Well, I've made small sacrifices before.

But I'll tell you what, for
$50 I'll make you holler.

- Oh, lucky for you I'm a
cop, and you're under arrest.

- Wow, looks like you, a cop?

Wow, they just take anybody
now a days don't they?

- Alright, that's enough.

You have the right to remain silent.

Just to make sure you do.

- Oh, I suppose that's how
you will all your arguments.

- Hey, state regulations require all

dogs to wear muzzles at all times.

(dog barks)

- You know, while you're at it,

why don't you put a blindfold on me too,

so I don't have to look at your ugly face.

- Oh, you're just afraid you'll
fall in love with me, eh?

- Afraid I'll lose my lunch.

- Yeah, I got your lunch right here.

- Yeah, well I'm in the mood
for a meal, not a snack.

(laughs)

- You know what?

You're all right kid, where you from?

- I'm from Minneapolis. (laughs)

- Minneapolis, ew, I'm sorry to hear that.

- Well, that's alright.

Ow. I don't really like
the sun that much anyways.

- Oh, you're just not used to it.

- Yeah, you're probably right.

You know, I'm really getting hungry.

Do you mind if I take off now?

- Sure, what the Heaven?

- Oh, thank you so...

- Relax kid, not the hair.

- Okay, well thanks.

- And another thing, don't let me catch

you whoring around here 'til after dark.

Daytime prostitution is
against the law in this town.

- Oh yeah, afraid I'll
steal you're boyfriend?

- You bitch!

(gunshot)

Jesus, I think I'm
fallin' in love with here.

Hey, do you like to iron?

(rock music)

(dogs barking)

(tires screeching)

(loud thud)

(dogs barking)

(gunshots)

- [Dick] Use the crosswalk
next time, you God damn jerk.

(dogs barking)

(rock music)

- Hey, you got a light?

(rock music)

- Sure, there.

(rock music)

Sure is tiny.

(laughs)

- You looking for exercise, babe?

(laughing)

I got your exercise right here.

(laughs)

(rock music)

(sirens)

- Hey babe, you on your way to the mall?

- You want the mall?

I got your mall right here.

(screaming)

(laughing)

(screaming)

(rock music)

(crowd cheering and booing)

(rock music)

(crowd cheering and booing)

(laughing)

- Bye bye, see you later.

(laughing)

(rock music)

(crowd cheering and booing)

(rock music)

(water rushing)

(pop)

(thunder)

(rock music)

- [Cook] Hey, what's the matter with you?

- Velta, she's gone.

- Gone?

- She didn't even say goodbye.

Wrote me this note.

- Dear Dick, I've seen the
light and gone back home.

I hope she's happy.

- Mm, I'll miss her.

- Me too.

(rock music)

To Velta.

- Missy, here real name was Missy.

- To Missy, thanks for coming.

- Arrivederci.

(rock music)

(sighs)

- Don't worry, you'll
find another partner.

- Hm, not like her.

- Amen.

- She was gonna teach me how to dance.

- I'll teach you.

- Do you know how to dance?

- No.

(laughs)

- Me neither.

♫ That's why, that's why
it's so hard for me to see

♫ But I'm tryin', I'm tryin'
so hard to keep you inside

♫ But I have lost, lost
track, of the light

♫ You just slip... ♫

- Look, I know Dic's your
friend, but he's gotta go.

Sooner or later Sylvina
will control him completely,

and he's gonna lead her right to us.

The Chief even said that she's afraid

that we are going to
overgraze her hunting grounds,

and she'll stop at
nothing to get rid of us.

- Look, I've told you before,

I fed him my human breast sandwiches.

He's locked.

He's one of us now, why kill him?

(sighs)

Wait, a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

(rock music)

(sighs)

- Please, please kill him for me.

(sighs)

Just this one time, I promise.

I will never ask you to kill again.

Please?

Look in my eyes.

(laughs)

- It won't work.

I don't expect you to understand.

But us men, we're out
there in the freezing cold

for millions of years killing
mammoths and dinosaurs,

while you women stayed at
home and watched soap operas.

Our bond is stronger
than any vampire stuff.

We have a code.

You stick by your friends.

- He will kill you.

- Maybe, but Dic and I go all the way

back to ballet school together.

I won't kill the only friend I have.

- Okay, okay, fine.

(pot boiling)

Oh look, we got something from the Chief.

- What does it say.

- He says that the rest of the tribe's

gonna be here on Sunday already.

- Sunday?

We're gonna need more food.

- Yeah.

♫ That we live

♫ That no, I know a thing or two

♫ That's gonna help me get
back up to see me through ♫

(laughs)

- [Dic] Dick, it's so good to see you.

Love the truck.

- [Both] Dick!`

- Hey, files.

- Files, cool.

- Cool.

- Dic, let's go, come on bro, move it.

Come on, Dic, move it.

- [Dic] All right.

- [Dick] Let's go.

- [Dic] All right.

- [Dick] Oh, man I'm hungry, oh my...

- [Dic] Yeah, be too.

- [Dick] Yeah, oh my God, look at that.

You what, I hate these damn
vampires during the day.

- [Dic] Jeez.

Oh my God, pull over, pull over.

Do a U-turn, come on.

This damn broad.

Come on Dic, let's go.

You trying to drive?

I hate this.

- [Vampire] Ah.

- [Dic] You need some help?

- [Dick] You kidding? No problem.

- [Dic] Okay, Dick.

(laughs)

- [Dick] Up against the tree, let's go.

Move it.

(dog barking)

(creepy music)

- [Dic] Dick! (laughs)

You sure you don't need some help?

- [Dick] No, I got it!

(growling)

(slurping)

(tribal drumbeat)

- Well I'll be a fried potato.

(engine starts)

(growling)

(rock music)

(horn honks)

(rock music)

♫ We got a good thing baby

♫ I can't get you outta my mind, no

♫ We got a good thing yeah

♫ And you know I'm gonna
see you tonight, oh

♫ You know the feelin' love can't bring

♫ When you live in a world all alone, yeah

♫ Change your winter into a spring

♫ With a love that you can call your own ♫

- Looks like lunch time.

- Ah, jeez, gut the crap will ya.

- We're talking flesh tacos for days.

- I can't believe this is happening.

- Believe it.

That girls is a vampire, and
he's the head chief of the

last remnants of an
ancient tribe of cannibals.

- Vampires, cannibals, how am I

supposed to take care of them?

- You take him out.

- We'll take care of the rest.

- I can't do that.

♫ I remember the feeling you gave me

♫ Through the morning long after dark

♫ I gotta have-- ♫

- You have no choice.

- I understand.

- There's not room for their kind here.

You're one of us now.

When you're finished join us at the ranch.

- Yeah, yeah sure.

♫ She's gonna be my my baby

♫ My baby, my, I'm sayin'

♫ She's gonna be my my baby

♫ Baby gettin' down tonight ♫

(dog barking)

♫ Where you going, good times rolling

♫ Keep my baby in my arms

♫ Come on baby, turn on your smile

♫ We got the good times going tonight ♫

(seal barking)

(laughing)

♫ Yeah, alright

♫ We got a good thing goin' tonight ♫

(laughing)

(monkeys chattering)

- F...

(monkeys chattering)

(tiger growling)

(laughing)

(whipping)

(rock music)

(whipping)

(laughing)

♫ Think about the things you do

♫ Girl I could be satisfied

♫ But I can't get enough of you

♫ You make me shiver down inside

♫ You make me lose control

♫ Love every minute of it ever day

♫ I don't wanna let you go

♫ I'm in love, it's okay

♫ I never felt like this before

♫ I'm in love, it's okay

♫ Give me more, give me more

♫ You're always on my mind

♫ Something that I just can't hide

♫ You bring your lovin' home to me

♫ My baby by my side

♫ You make me crazy 'cause
you're made out of love

♫ Baby it's all right

♫ I can't help myself, I can't get enough

♫ You really got me going tonight

♫ I'm in love, It's okay

♫ I never felt like this before

♫ I'm in love but it's okay

♫ Give me more, give me more

♫ I'm in love, it's okay

♫ I never felt like this before, no

♫ I'm in love, it's okay

♫ Give me more, give me more, wow

♫ I'm in love, it's okay

♫ I never felt like this before

♫ I'm in love, it's okay

♫ Give me more, give me more

♫ I'm in love, it's okay

♫ I never felt like this before, no

♫ I'm in love, it's okay

♫ Give me more, give me more

♫ I'm in love, it's okay

♫ I never felt like this before, no

♫ I'm in love, it's okay

♫ Give me more, give me more... ♫

(geese honking)

(gunshots)

(gunshots & birds squawking)

- Hey Cook, how you been doin' buddy?

- [Cook] Nice to see ya.

- Seen you in a while,
what you been up to?

- Oh, just gettin' a little duck hunting.

- All right.

Say Cook, this is my friend Amber here.

She's been stressed out a little bit.

I was wondering if you can help her out.

- Of course.

- You think?

- Sure.
- All right.

- What seems to be the problem?

- It's my career.

- Oh that's too bad, a lot of stress, huh?

- Oh yeah.

- You know what you need is
my secret electrical conduit

pathway massage where we
connect you with the universe.

- Oh my God.

- Why don't you come back to the office.

- Okay.

- All right.

We'll fix you up.

Hey, we'll catch you later, dude.

(children playing)

- All right, bye Amber.

(children playing)

♫ Du du du du child yeah

♫ She makes my life worth while

♫ She makes my life worth while ♫

(classic rock music)

♫ Girl you bother me more than you know

♫ First you turn me on and then you go

♫ I don't want to live this way

♫ I don't want you for a day

♫ Girl it's got to be always or not at all

♫ Girl you're playing
hopscotch with my mind

♫ I keep hearing rumors all the time

♫ I don't want to live this way

♫ I don't want you for a day ♫

- Vampires.

(scoffs)

I need different weapons.

I need vampire stuff.

I said I need better weapons!

I need wooden stakes,
cross, and holy water.

(groaning)

What do you mean you sold out, you scum?

(growls)

A beautiful blond, where?

(groaning)

Oh, apartment 102?

Fine, thank you very much.

(groans)

(whimpering)

(classic rock music)

Your her!

- Who are you, and what the
fuck are you talking about?

- I've been looking everywhere for you.

- You have?

- Quick, inside.

♫ It's got to be always or not at all ♫

- Oh, you look pooped.

Too much sun probably.

- Mm-hm.

I'll finish up here.

Why don't you go take a nap?

- Okay.

- I'll call you when dinner's ready.

- I'm starved. (laughs)

Not too pooped to eat.

- Okay.

- [Drill Sergeant] Hut!

- My God, all this has been
happening right under my nose.

- Mom said they're sneaky.

- Yeah, and to think I
ate with those people.

- What did you say?

- Ate with those people, why?

- What exactly did you eat?

- Well, Cook may be a cannibal,

but he makes some murderous
breast sandwiches.

- Breast?

- Oh, don't tell me, oh I
thought it tasted familiar.

- Mom said if you ate human
flesh with these people,

you have to eat it for the
rest of your life, or die.

- Wow, tough choice.

(sighs)

- You believe all that stuff?

- I don't know what I believe anymore.

All I know is now that I found you,

I'm never gonna let
anything happen to you.

- Don't you worry about me.

What about you taking on Patricia?

Mm.

- I'll take of that blood sucking bitch.

- [Drill Sergeant] Throw
your shoulders back!

- [Soldiers] Three!

- [Drill Sergeant] Take you chest out!

- Now the conduit recipe calls for the

very finest ingredients
fresh from my garden.

- Oh, it's organic.

- Hell no, you think I
like bugs in my salad?

- Oh, I never thought about it that way.

- You have a choice,
either grasshopper shit,

or some nice clean chemicals.

(rock music)

(sighs)

- There, the strawberries
have tons of potassium in it.

Potassium's a wonderful channeler.

(rock music)

How's that, better?

- Oh yes, I feel warm all over.

- Yeah, me too.

My, aren't we stiff?

I know what you need
is a little adjustment.

- Oh yes, please, I have
trouble with my neck.

- All right, here, lie down.

Now, let's get you relaxed.

First take nice, deep,
long, easy, breaths.

In and out.

There, just relax your neck.

I want you to roll to side
to side to side to side.

Okay, take a big breath and hold it.

(screams)

(cracks)

- Man, this vampire strength
is really something.

(gasps)

- It's a miracle, I'm cured.

How can I ever thank you?

- You just did.

(laughs)

Now that your energy's are all channeled,

your career will go
much better, believe me.

(rock music)

And more words of aid,
endeavor to persevere.

- Excuse me?

- Kick ass.

- Thank you.

- And remember what I told you now.

Lay off those fresh fruits and vegetables.

Get plenty of preservatives,
you'll live longer.

Believe me.

(rock music)

- Hey later, you wanna go
to a movie or something?

- Tell you what, why
don't you rent the movie,

see it at my place.

I'll make you a bloodwurst sandwich.

(sighs)

- Bloodwurst, you wouldn't
have any breast, would ya?

- Well, I think we can arrange that.

(rock music)

- Hey, soup's on, kid.

- Mm, thank you my love.

- Hey, knock that off, I'm not dinner.

(laughs)

- Sorry, I was just playing.

- Look here, you've had your two bites.

That's all your gonna get.

You're not turning me into your slave.

- What's the matter, afraid
of blood coming out your nose?

- Hey, look, I'm a 90s kind of a guy.

You're on your own.

(laughs)

- Look silly, a vampire
chooses only one true mate.

And with the third bite we become one.

You'll be safe.

- And happy?

- Forever.

(rock music)

(army trumpet)

(soft rock music)

- Look, there he is.

♫ There's a shadow hanging over me

♫ Clouds are blocking out the sun

♫ It's not-- ♫

- What's he dumping?

- [Dick] Holy shit!

- Man, folks gonna have your ass.

- Sorry, golly!

♫ Who you are

♫ Now the days and
nights just pass me by ♫

- [Dick] What's wrong
with this neighborhood?

He's dumping in broad daylight.

- Government building.

They're all politicians and bureaucrats.

He's just another cannibal here.

- Wrong, he's just another
dead cannibal here.

- Be careful, I'll get the blood sucker.

- Payday Cook, you're all mine.

♫ Get this feeling when your gone

♫ I think of how it used to be

♫ I know you're comin' back to me

♫ I know this feeling can't be wrong

♫ Oh oh, oh oh

♫ Each morning, each morning

♫ Oh oh oh

♫ Each morning, each morning

♫ Look what you done

♫ I think of how it used to be

♫ I remembered you in love with me

♫ I get this feeling when your gone

♫ I think how used to be

♫ I know you're comin' back to me

♫ I know this feeling can't be wrong ♫

Come back here you filthy cannibal!

- Will you just hold it for one minute?

- You're one of us now.

We're friends, damn it.

- Eat me raw!

- You've eaten of the sacred meat.

You're a cannibal too.

- Then it's true.

- It's my secret recipe.

California blonde breast,

with the nipples removed, of course.

- [Dic] Whoa, this immortal
stuff is really true?

(sighs)

- Ain't it great?

- Ow, yeah, oh.

- Wait a minute, what
happened to your neck?

- Oh, that bitch, Ah! Sylvina.

- Sylvina from Transylvania did that?

- Yes.

- Holy...

- Hey, the Pope.

- Shirt, she's a vampire.

- What?

- Three bites.

- How did this happen to me?

- Oh man, they stare into your eyes

and suck you dry before you know it.

Believe me, I know.

Pat's a vampire too,
only she's a half breed.

- What do I do know?

- There's only one way to deal

with a full blooded vampire like Sylvina.

You must eat her heart.

(scoffs)

Or be her slave forever.

- Ah, I love her daughter Rowena.

- Rowena, she's okay I guess.

Although she's a little high strung.

(laughs)

- Well she's a little gung-ho.

I left her back at your place.

We should go get her.

- [Both] Pat!

(thunder)

(hurried footsteps)

- What about my clothes?

I wanna look my best for Rowena.

- You can change in the car.

- Like, like Batman.

(hurried footsteps)

- He got it from us, come on.

- [Dick] Whoa!

- [Cook] Go!

(thunder)

- [Patricia] Mf, hi boys.

- [Both] Hi boys?

- Where's Rowena?

- Gone to get a movie, said
she'd meet you back at her post.

- (sighs) What about my neck, damn it.

- I've explained Sylvina's hold over Dic.

- Yeah, says I gotta eat her heart.

- What?

- Uh, you better get going.

Rowena hates to be kept waiting.

- Yeah.

- I'll take care of Salvina.

- That's good, 'cause
vampires give me the creeps.

(hisses)

No offense.

Well, I guess you'll need this.

- Hey, how do you like your
heart, medium, or well done.

- [Dic] I'm gettin' out of here.

- Oh boy, what a day.

(groans)

- You tired.

- Oh yeah.

Hey, you wanna take a shower?

- No. (laughs)

- Hey, come one, I'll pay you.

Uh, you take a check.

- You have any ID?

- ID, I know I got it
with me here somewhere.

There was all this shooting today.

Oh man, what a day I'm havin'.

- Honey, I'm home.

(water bubbling)

(thunder)

What a terrific set of videos.

These are my favorite movies.

(gunfire)

(whipping)

(gunfire)

(tribal drumbeat)

(church bell rings)

- Oh, hi.

- Hello Sylvina, hey, I'm
cooking at a boom ceremony,

and I thought maybe
you'd like to come along.

- I would love it.

- Good, good, it'll give us a chance

to have a nice long chat.

- What's on the menu.

- Menu, oh, heart.

(howling)

(spooky organ music)

- Yuck, what is this?

- It's my recipe for bat flambe.

- Okay, no more mister nice guy.

(growling)

- Oh boy, this is gonna hurt.

(thunder)

(spooky organ music)

(screams)

(growling)

- Ah, I'm melting, I'm
melting, I'm melting.

(sizzling)

(tiger growling)

(bubbling)

- You're mascara's running a little bit,

but you're not melting.

(sighs)

(baby crying)

(upbeat jazz music)

- (sighs) Where am I?

- You're not so tough without
your make up, are you?

(upbeat jazz music)

(sighs)

- You saved me.

I'm pretty again.

- Remember, beauty's only skin deep.

So if you go around
looking like a monster,

people will treat you that way.

They can't see the
beauty that's underneath.

- But you can?

- I'm a gourmet, I have to be able to

tell if the apple is rotten on the inside.

- That means I'm not rotten?

- No, you're just lonely.

- Everybody hates me.

- What do you expect, the way you go

around killing them all the time?

- But I'm a vampire, I'm
supposed to eat people.

You know that.

- I know nothing of the kind.

I've been feeding you cow
for the past two years.

You only thought they were human.

- Cow? How could you?

You are Hindu.

You worship cows, don't you.

- Three meals a day.

(groans)

- Here, drink this.

It'll make you feel better.

(cries)

(cow mooing)

(sighs)

- Maybe I don't really need to eat people.

- You really don't, trust me.

(sighs)

- But I was going to have
two wolfmen for dinner.

- Well now you can have them
over for dinner instead.

- Friends?

Why, you're so wonderful.

How can I ever repay you?

- Well, Dic is in love with Rowena.

You're still a vampire.

You must release him.

- What can I do?

- I need your heart.

- My heart?

I'm ready to pay.

Be an instrument of revenge for

all of those I've harmed needlessly.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord.

(water trickling)

Oh, thanks for coming
on such short notice.

It's a tough ceremony,
it takes two people.

- Well, what is it?

- Oh, there's a man coming over.

He really needs help.
- Oh there's a man.

Here, no, no, I have to keep my whip.

So where is he?
- Now just step on in,

we gotta condition the
water before he gets here.

- Well what's in the water?

- Oh, fresh herbs spices, cinnamon.

- Cinnamon, oh yeah, what else?

- Holy water.

- Oh!

(sizzling)

(birds chirping)

- Feel better?

- Wow, wonderful.

- What's she doing here?

- Don't worry about it, it's holy water.

It's safe. Trust me.

(upbeat jazz music)

Oh go on, don't be a baby.

- [Dick] Ah, damn.

- Okay, to remove vampire
bites, oil of clove,

and a little slap of garlic.

Hold still.

Okay now, careful, this
is gonna burn a little.

(birds chirping)

(screams)

Rub it in, rub it in.
- Ooh ooh hoo hoo.

- All right, where was I?

Okay, now it says you gotta submerge

all the way under the
water for 30 seconds.

- Oh well, but I don't
know how to hold my!

(gurgling)

- Wait a minute, it won't even work.

Hold on, be right back, I need a battery.

(gurgling and splashing)

- Ah!

(gurgling)

(gasping)

(gurgling)

(splashing)

- Okay, 30.

(sighs)

Care for an appetizer, sir.

- Yummy.

I want my freedom.

- Bye Sylvina, thanks for the memories.

(upbeat rock music)

(groans)

- Oh God.

(groans)

(sighs)

- I don't get it.

Pat's a vampire too.

Why don't you have to eat her heart?

- Oh, I made all that stuff up.

Eating a vampire's
heart won't do any good.

- What?

- Shh.

- You mean you killed
Sylvina for no reason?

- I didn't kill her.

- [Dick And Wrenfield] You didn't?

- Hell no, who do you think's on bass?

(upbeat rock music)

- Hey, if that's not Sylvina's heart,

what have we been eating?

- Oh, it's my latest recipe, cow.

(cow mooing)

(growling)

(howling and barking)

(groaning)

(cow mooing)

- [Dick And Wrenfield] Oh!

- Blech.

(cow mooing)

Ah! Gah!

(cow mooing)

- You gonna eat that?

(cow mooing)

(squishing)

(laughing)

You know, we really gotta
talk about this biting thing.

- Oh.

- It's starting to get on m nerves.

- We're all through with
that, see no more fangs.

- What happened?

- Silly, once a vampire bites three

times she becomes mortal again.

- What about me?

- You too.

- Why didn't you tell me?

I could've been killed.

(laughs)

- You watch too many movies.

- Hey, you can never
watch too many movies.

- I'm hungry, what's for dinner.

- What do you think?

- Soup?

- Soup.

- Soup, it's always soup with you.

- Soup is good for you.

- I need meat.

- Oh, I got your meat.

- Ow! I'm just kidding.

(laughs)

You know, you hit hard for a broad.

(smack)

I mean person, person.

(laughs)

- That's better.

- Yes.

(laughs)

(squishing)

(slurping)

(growling)

(upbeat rock music)

(growling)

(classic rock music)

♫ If you miss me today

♫ Just meet me at the corner

♫ Just meet me at the corner

♫ And I'll meet you

♫ If you're crying today

♫ Just because you miss me

♫ Just meet me at the corner

♫ And I'll kiss you

♫ Say that you will always love me

♫ Then we'll always be together

♫ Soon the church bells will be ringing

♫ And our love will last forever

♫ So you see our love will always be

♫ Can't you see

♫ If you miss me today

♫ Just meet me at the corner

♫ At our special corner

♫ And I'll meet you

♫ Say that you will always love me

♫ Then we'll always be together

♫ Soon the church bells will be ringing

♫ And our love will last forever

♫ Soon you see our love... ♫