Visit to a Small Planet (1960) - full transcript

Jerry Lewis is Kreton, a childish alien who, against his teacher's will leaves his planet to visit the Earth, and lands in the backyard of a famous television journalist who doesn't believe in U.F.O's and aliens. Wanting to study humans but not able to fully understand them, Kreton makes a mess out of it, generating a lot of comic situations.

Subtitles By: MightyMike77020.

And in remote outer
reaches of the universe,

past civilizations as we know it,

is a galactic system called, the Milky Way.

Now this minor galaxy

contains in its backwards area.

A rather piddling star

known as: The Sun.

With a really pitiful array of planets.

So much for our lesson in space geography.

And I hope you all took notes.

They'll be a test first thing
in the century, now then...

Where is he?

Well, speak up. Where is Kreton?

During recess, I saw him
kick the ball over Cloud 9.

On purpose.

He said he'll be right back Mr. Delton.

He better be.

I wonder if he's headed...

There again! Oh, no.

That's Kreton, all right.

Goofiest driver in the whole school.


Uh-uh, mustn't touch.

Let's go buster, back
here where you belong.

- It's him.
- It's he.

All right young man, I know
you're there, come out.

Why don't you come in?

Because I'm the teacher
and I said, come out.

Well, I did mean any harm, Mr. Delton.

You see, Mr. Delton? I found my ball.

- I'll get it.
- Oh, no you don't.

Young man, you and I are going to have
a little heart to heart talk.

Back to your seats all of you.

Not you.

Now then…

you know perfectly well
you've been forbidden to visit,

that odious little planetoid
in the solar system.

But Mr. Delton, earth isn't a planetoid,

it's a full grown planet, it has
six continents, five oceans, 2 moons...

- One moon.
- One moon?

Well, anyhow, it's my hobby,

you see, as I calculate,
right now down there,

they're having a very interesting
period: The civil war.

Well gee whiz, Mr. Dalton.
Every guy should have a hobby.

Not in your case.

Remember Mars, your last hobby?

We should have never let
you set foot on the place.

Bare, barren, desolate.

Nobody goes there anymore.


Say, maybe if they put
a gambling...

Nothing would help.

Thanks to your thoughtlessness,
Mars is a dead planet.

What good is it?

Well, you could...

Now Kreton, I want write:

"I will not visit the earth",
10 billion times.

Stay after school a bit, if necessary.

But Mr. Delton, I got
a date with the fellas,

to go space skiing.

I got wax on my feet and everything.

10 billion times.

10 billion.


Did he say 10 billion times,
or 10 million times?

What's the difference all start
with the first time.

I... will... not... visit... the...



He's gone again. Boy, is he in for it.

You mean, "is the earth in for it."

It is...

It is one of them.

It is. It is.

Hello Mr. Mayberry.

I just picked up my costume
for your party tonight.

What are you going as?

General Lee, same as every year.

What are you looking at?

A flying saucer.

A what?

Didn't you see it?

Well, no sir.

This is the real thing, Conrad.

Look for yourself.

You see it? Do you see it?

Mr. Mayberry, there ain't nothing up there

except a little old cloud.

Oh, give me those.

Little ole cloud nothing. There she is.

Going round and round and round.

- Let me have another look.
- Just as plain as day.

- Well?
- I'm looking.

What is your considered opinion, Conrad?

You won't get mad?

Well, of course I won't.

Well, Mr. Mayberry,
my considered opinion is:

You oughta' see an eye doctor.

You got astigmatism.

Eye doctor!

Well, I gotta get over to Spelding's,

I gotta drop these flowers for Ellen.


To wear to your party tonight.


Oh, my goodness.

Its wiggling like a hula-hoop.

George, I fully realise that you are vice
president in charge of programming

but I will not pull my punches.

The American public has faith
in Roger Putnam Spelding.

And I intend to expos this
flying saucers scare,

once and for all.

On my telecast tonight.

Hello, hello.

Rheba, will you please get
off the telephone I'm talking to New York.

I'm sorry dear, I was calling
the Mayberry's.

Do you think you he'll need
more mint for the juleps?

Rheba please, I'm talking
to George Abercrombie.

Really? Oh, hello George and goodbye.

Evening, Conrad.

Evening, Mrs. Spelding.

Not dressed yet for the party?

Plenty of time, Mrs. Spelding.

Oh, darling, theirs some terrible force

that just keeps driving
me on and on and on.

Will you just restrain that terrible force

because I'm getting prickly heat again.

Do not forget to dress
for the party, Conrad.

Honey, let's get married right now.

Conrad, as you may have suspected,

I find you sexually attractive,

but you just don't have any... money.

Well, I don't happen to believe in money.

Ellen, no marriage til we finish
college and get our degree.

Oh I don't know, maybe
marriage is all I'm fit for.


Out in the fields and an hour
later back to the plow.

Carrying my newborn child on my back.


If you're going to talk that way,

go where smart talk is appreciated.

Go to a bar or a bus station.

Sometimes I wonder
if all that cod liver oil,

wasn't a mistake.

Children were stuffed with it.

And now look at them.

I'd like a big family.

So would I.

Let's start right now.

- Conrad.
- We'll get married.

And then our weekend at the lake.

All I am saying George,

is that it's high time
the American public grew up.

How does it look dear?

George, I am not calling
all of the American public, "boobs,"

only the boobs that believe this dribble.

I'll admit its a bit daring

but after all, Scarlet was, a hussy.

Rheba, for heaven sake.

- Hurry, or we'll be late for the party.
- Shh.


I am going as Jefferson Davis.

Now that's final George.

My program goes on the air exactly
as we taped it this morning.


Censorship, the curse
of the intelligent man.

And what are you doing?

He's just giving me a hand, daddy.

He certainly is. Get it out of there.

Her zipper stuck, Mr. Spelding.

No man has the right to zip a girl,

until they're engaged.

I'm sure we can trust Conrad,

he's very mechanical.

Mr. Spelding, what do you think
about these UFO reports?


Mr. Mayberry doesn't think so.

He swears he saw
an unidentified flying object,

heading towards Richmond
a little while ago.

Bob Mayberry saw the Richmond
plane heading towards Richmond.

Mass hysteria that's what it is.

I am laying it on the line
tonight for the American public.

You could be wrong, dear.

Space men. There ain't no such animal.

That's the phrase I'm hitting
them with on my telecast.

Remember that scoop you had about Elvis.

You said he was going into the Navy.

Why don't you go home and get dressed?

Yes, sir. Ouch!

I'll be back soon Ellen.

All right dear.

Some mechanic.

Flying saucer over Richmond.

Now I've heard everything.
There ain't no such animal.


Good evening, I wonder
if you could help me.

Am I any where near eh...

Oh, I guess he hasn't learned to read yet.

What's the matter Rags? Hungry?

Rheba, when are you going to feed this dog?

I think he's trying to tell you something.

Of course he is, he's trying
to tell me he's hungry.

You see, he's not hungry at all.

- Now, where he ever learn that trick?
- I don't know.

Someone at the side door. I'll get it dear.

Rheba, it's almost seven do you mind
turning on the TV set in the living room.

Of course, dear. Any particular channel?

My channel.

I want to watch me. Nobody
else in this house does.

- Yes?
- Good evening, madam.

My name Kreton, and
my respect to General Lee.

I should like to see him instantly.

General Lee? Oh, you mean Bob
Mayberry down the road.

That's where the party is.

But I'm here for the battle.

Oh, I don't think it will be a brawl,

although last year...

We will be leaving in a few minutes.

Why don't you just drive
over with us, Mr. Crouton?

That's Kreton. And thank you very much.

TV set warmed up yet?

Just turning it on, dear.

My husband's television program.
He's very popular they tell me.

Oh, really?

- Oh, Mr. Kreton?
- Yes?

Do sit down and watch.

Well, television in 1861.

That's funny, I thought it came much later.

- Smoke if you'd like to.
- Thank you.

And stop whatever you're doing.

Yes, stop and reflect a moment.

Are you a thinking man?

Yeah, I think, I'm a thinking man.

Why not review your smoking habits.

Wait, I'm busy thinking.

Do it now.

Yes, sir.

But first... relax.

Get comfortable.

Do you mind if I sit down?

Sit down.

Thank you, your very kind.

Now then, before you light up...

Oh, sorry.

Inspect the filter
at the end of your smoke.

Look inside... look closely.

What do you see?

Tobacco, what would you see?

Inspect the tobacco.

Try a crumble test.

Crumble test?

Rub the tobacco between your hands.

Now, whiff it.

Wait, I'm still busy crumbling.

Whiff it!

Oh, yes sir.

Does it have that fresh deep down aroma?

Makes you stop and think, doesn't it..

It made me stop and sneeze.

So men just throw that old
smoke of yours away.

And try one of these.

Put it between your lips.

Close your eyes.

Now... light up.

Yes... light up... and live.

Light up and live.

Man. I'm going to be burned to death.

Damn Yankee.

His name is Kreton.

Why can't he walk over there?
Who is he anyway?

Some friend of the Mayberry's.

A nice young man.

Oh, confound it. I'm missing me.

This dog has gone nuts. Now scoot, jump.

For several years now
certain lunatics elements,

have proclaim the existence
of flying saucers.

I should like to nail the subject
down once and for all.

There ain't no such animal.

There is no life on other planets
capable of building spaceships

and to interject a purely American note,

no country in the world but ours,

has the industrial know
how to build such a ship.


Let me show you some recent photographs

of objects reported to be spaceships.

- Why, president Jefferson Davis.
- Number one.

Of all people, I can't tell you
how glad I am to meet you...

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, sir.

For what?

Number two.

Your left side-burn sir...
They, shot it off.

Number three.

- Quiet.
- I'm sorry?

I'm trying to listen.

Oh. I'll listen also sir.

And number four.

Optical illusions, every one of them.

Mass hysteria.

That's telling them, eh, boy.

Yes, sir. It's too bad, is full of hooey.


Oh well, I believe
that's the expression, sir..

Or is it eh, goofidust?

No, hooey! That's it. He is full of hooey.

There's no need for alarm. No need at all.

We shall return to Roger
Putnam Spelding, in a moment.

But first. Have you inspected
your filter lately.

Smoke Supurbo.

Superb tobacco superbly blended

a superb filter.

Mr. President, don't you listen to him.

He'll burn your whiskers off.

Oh, stop.

I mean it, sir. He did a job on me.
He burned my head and my face...

You think I'm full of hooey, eh?

Oh, no sir. I didn't say
you were full of hooey,

I said that... that... that...

Well... your not Jefferson Davis.

Your him that man on TV.

- That Roger Pelman Sputing.
- Spelding.

I know who I am. The
question is: Who are you?

Oh, no sir. The question is: When am I?

When are you?

What I mean is... what year is this?



I'm 99 years off.

What year did you have in mind?


I was on my way to the civil war

and something went
wrong with the machine,

or my calculations, I don't
know which, but...

I landed here 99 years out of my way.

But I never was very good at dates.

Are you trying to pull my leg?

No, sir, but if you liked me to...

Oh, I've been awfully rude, sir,

I haven't introduced myself.
My name is Kreton.

I'm from the other side.

The other side of where?

The other side of the universe,
another planet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Actually, what...

Come on, come on, I know
a trick when I see one.

Now where's the wire
that you did this with?

What is this?

I'm sorry, I neglected to warn you.
You see,

I can touch you but you mustn't
touch me, you understand?

Look, I'll show you.

You see?

They do exist and you're one of them.

Well, yo... you come from out there.

That's it, yes indeed.

But that's our little secret
now, isn't it Mr. Spelding?

That's odd. I thought
I turned that motor off.

Oh, I'll be spending the night here.
That is... if it's convenient.

I'll be right back.

When you boobs my friends, I simply repeat:

When it comes to visitors from outer space,

there ain't no such animal.

That's what you think, you stupid boob.

Oh, Mr. Delton, sir.

You playing hookey too?

I certainly am not.

So you gone over the cloud again eh?

Whats your excuse this time?
Another missing volley ball?

Oh, no sir. No, Mr. Delton.

I-I lost my marbles.

You lost your marbles long ago.

I'll tell the truth, Mr. Delton.

You see the reason I played
hockey and came down here is,

because I like the earth
and I like the people on it,

and well sir, can't I can study them?

Absolutely not.

But it would be like homework, sir,

after all I am majoring in planet earth.

Under no circumstances.

On second thought,

maybe you ought to get
this out of your system.

It might do you a world of good.

Another world that is.

You mean I can stay then, sir?

For a bit.

But remember Kreton, there's
a wise old proverb that goes

"up is down and down is up..."

"And never the twain shall meet."

Yes, I remember it.
I remember it well, sir.

But you must keep in mind
that this visit of yours,

must be a secret.

And don't get involved with these
earth-people. You can't trust them.

No, you can't trust them at all, sir,

except Mr. Spelding, he's very nice,

an he wouldn't tell a soul about me.

He wouldn't, eh?

At this very moment,
he's calling New York. Listen.

I don't care if he is having dining.
This is important.

I'll fix his wagon.

What are you going to do, Mr. Delton?

That joker is getting the old "86."

Oh no don't disintegrate, him Mr. Delton.

He's a very nice man,
and he's going to a party later

and his wife will not dance with.

Couldn't you just throw an old 14 at him?

- 14 it is.
- Your very kind.

Here's how to start my program tomorrow...

Well, speak up man. I have
a dinner party waiting for me.

How do you intend to start your broadcast?

Mary had a wittle wamb,

its fleece was white as snow,

and everywhere that Mary went.

Roger, are you out of your mind?

The wamb... was sure... to go.

Spelding you're drunk.

Study these earthlings
but don't get involved.

No, I won't.

Do you worry, Mr. Delton
and thank you very much.

And I'll be a good boy, Mr. Delton.
Have a good trip.

So long.

What happened?

Well, you were snitching so you got a 14.

You could have gotten an 86.

Whats an 86?

Come I show you.


Watch that plant.

That's an 86.

You'll like him, he's really
a very nice young man.

- Mr. Kreton.
- Yes?

This is my daughter, Ellen.


Huh. 36.



That's better... much better.


- I mean... this bend...
- What?

What I mean to say is that,
it does something for girls.

You see, where I come from,
the girls are 36 straight and that's it.

But this, breaks up the monotony.

- I'm sorry.
- He is cute, mother.

I was right.

I was right. I was right.

Good evening, Ellen, Rheba.

I just received a flash from
headquarters on the flying saucers.

It's confirmed Roger.

Why I even saw one with my
own eyes, as plain as day.

There were machine guns
sticking out of the side

and underneath it had a rack of bomb,

and a tremendous cannon poking
out of a pillbox on the top.

Oh, ho ho?

- How do you do.
- How do you do.

Have we met?

No, unless you've ever been to X-47.

This is Mr. Mayberry. He's
host to the party tonight.


Nice costume.

Right costumes, wrong century.

Oh, get this, Rog, get this.

At 1800 this evening, an
unidentified flying object

was spotted high over...

Bob, you shouldn't read
that in fount of Roger.

Remember, there "ain't" no such animal.

"No such animal," as what, mother?

As visitors from beyond.

Teensy-wincy little men with
long green feelers like this.

Excuse me, Mrs. Spelding,

but the long green feelers went
out with the short red tails.

Short red tails??

Bob, Rheba, for heaven's sake.

Short red tails??

That's a good one.


Oh no.

Yes, yes indeed. You put
fingerprints all over it.

I mean, I don't care for me personally,

but we are supposed to keep it clean.

You know, sloppy barrier, sloppy mind.

You know whats going on Rog, tell us?

I can't. I have to watch
out for that old 86.


Look what happened to the azalea plant.

It's withered!

That's what I mean.

Can I tell them, please?

Well, as long as I am going
to be guest in your house,

I suppose it'll be alright.

But remember now.

This is our little secret.

- You see...
- I'm from another world.

- From another...?
- Planet.

- It's true.
- Jupiter?

Jupiter? No one lives on Jupiter.

At least no one I know.

Why did you come here?

Oh... I guess it was a

combined pleasure and study trip.

You know, a visit to your
small planet from mine.

8,000,000 light years away.

8,000,000. Imagine.

Poor boy, you must be exhausted.

I am as a matter of fact
a little pooped right now.

A good night sleep will take care of that.

I'll fix up the guest room.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Hi everybody.

Hi, Conrad.

What is he supposed to be?

A spaceman.

At least that's what I would
have said 10 minutes ago.

Ain't I something?

Excuse me, please.

How do you do?

I wonder, do you mind?

Go ahead.

Thanks you.

You know I'm sick and
tired of going to this old

ball every year dressed
as Stonewall Jackson.

This year I'm going as a
sure enough spaceman.

Boom boom.

Oh, you don't need that to bum-bum. May I?


Mr. Spelding, who is that?

That you boob, is a spaceman.

A spaceman?

Your kidding.

Would you please sit down and shut up?

Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Spelding.


Get it off.

Yes, I will. Just a second.

Oops I'm sorry, Mr. Spelding. I
guess I aimed just a little too high.

If you'll just take your
hands down and relax.

Just hold perfectly still.

There we are.

See, Mr. Spelding, I can but you can't.

Sure enough ever loving
cotton picking spaceman.

Here you are Mr. Spelding,
I hope I didn't upset...

Guest room's ready.

Thank you, very much Mrs. Spelding.
I hope I didn't put you out.

And find some of Mr. Spelding
clothes in the closet.

Feel free to wear them.

My clothes?!? Are you radioactive?

Don't worry about that sir,
I've had my shots.

Well, enjoy yourselves everybody.
I'm going to beddy-bye.

- Goodnight.
- You forgot your bag, Kreton.

Oh, so I did, thank you.


Where are you going?

I know my duty when I see it.

I'm reporting this to state militia.

I wouldn't do that. He
wants it kept secret.


Oh. Of course. You can trust me, Rog.

Won't tell a soul.


Won't tell a soul ether Mr. Spelding.

Your darn right you won't.

You think I'd let a blabber mouth
like you get me in trouble?

You are not leaving this house tonight.

You are sleeping here.

In my room.

I'm sorry, Mr. Spelding, just I can't.

I mean... I'm not gonna leave
Myrtle alone in my place all night.

- Myrtle?
- His goat daddy. Remember?

Oh yeah...

Myrtle hasn't been a
bit well Mr. Spelding.

She looks very piqued.

And in the last couple of days
she been running a temperature.

Well, she can run it over here.
Put Myrtle in our barn.

- Is it air conditioning?
- Get going.

Yes sir, I'll do that.

What about the party daddy?

We are not going to the party.

Good evening, good evening.

Mabel, Mabel. Get them to the living room.

- What?
- Get them into the living room, please.

Hurry, dear, hurry.

Will you all please go into the living
room and enjoy yourself's,

I'll be there in just a moment.

Have fun.

Robert, what the world...?

Don't ask any questions, Mabel.

This is the biggest thing that
ever happened to Manassas...

To the country!

Captain Jackson? Mayberry of Manassas.

Listen carefully, this is top, top secret.

At precisely 7:45 tonight...

Mary had a wittle wamb.

Mustn't do that, Mr. Mayberry.

Oh, hi' ya Rags. Come on in. Come on.

There's no reason why
we can't be friends, Rags.

Now, whats on your mind?
Come on, out with it.

Oh, I forgot.

I don't believe it. There
ain't no such human.

You been spending too much
time with Mr. Spelding.

I am perfectly normal.

Rags, where do you sleep at night?

Me? In a lousy box in the back porch.

They think I'm a watchdog,

but really I'm not, I'm yellow.

So am I.

Rags I have a thought. Why don't
you bunk here with me tonight?

- With you?
- Sure, why not?

Rags, you take the lower.

Normal... he says .

- Good morning, Kreton.
- Good morning, Ellen.

- You look very pretty this morning.
- Thank you.

Well, how do you like it?

Your first day on earth, I mean.

Just wonderful. I liked it a lot.

Except that, its not exactly
like I thought it would be.

Why, what did you imagine?

I'm a little disappointed,
I missed the civil war.

Gettysburg, Shiloh, Manassas.

You keep talking about the past,
are you from the future?

Yeah, uh-huh. I can visit you
at any moment in your history.

Time is really a trapezoid.

You know what that means, don't you?

No, I'm afraid I don't.

Don't know what a trapezoid is?

Well, I don't either, actually.

That's the trouble with school,

they make you memorize things
that your never ever gonna use.

Kreton, whats it like in space?

Oh, its pretty nice. Especially
if your traveling out of season.

- Uh-oh, trouble.
- Trouble?

Your daddy's in the study,

and he's waiting for a call from
George Abercrombie in New York,

and is he worried...

You mean, you can tell
what daddy's thinking?

Uh-huh. Would you like to listen in?

George Abercrombie, big shot executive,

thinks he has brains, well
I've got news for him,

his brains aren't
in his head their in his...


You have to be awfully careful of thoughts.

Like for instance: Yours
thoughts. Right now.

I haven't a thing on my mind.

Except Conrad.

The truth, Ellen?

Poor Conrad, sleeping with daddy,

and if daddy knew what he had
planning for this weekend at the lake

he strangle him in his sleep.

No chaperones.

I'm frighted...

No I'm excited.

I'm really looking forward to...

He's inside, Kreton is inside my mind.

Kreton, stop that!

Ellen, wait a minute,

I mean, I didn't mean to embarrass you.

Well, now you know.

Oh Kreton, whole thing is so mixed up.

Well, lets un-mix it.

First, how does Conrad
feel about your father?

I'm afraid he doesn't like daddy very much.

And what does your father
think about Conrad?

Despises him.

The first thing we have to do is,

change the sleeping arrangement.

Because last night wasn't
satisfactory at all.

So there are 3 bedrooms and I'm in one.

Now lets put Mr. and Mrs. Spelding
in bedroom A, together.

Now, you and Conrad...

Yes, this is going to work
out just fine, Ellen.

You and Conrad can take over bedroom B.

Conrad and I, aren't married.

Well, I didn't mean any harm by it, Ellen.

You have to understand, you see,
where I come from, we don't tangle.

You don't tangle?

Oh no, we haven't done
that for a long time.

Well, if you don't tangle...

What do you do?

I mean, how do you multiply?

Multiply what?

Each other. How do you have babies?

- Oh we don't.
- I don't understand.

Let me explain. We have ourselves.

Since we're for real, forever,

there's enough of us.

Do you understand?

So now you... never tangle.

No, never. It's a lost art.

Although I must admit we
were a little hasty. I think.

Anyway, you must promise
me that you'll let me watch,

the next time you and
Conrad oscillate antennas.

Oscillate antennas?

Oh, sorry. That's what
they call it on Venus,

but here I think they refer
to it as: Pitch and woo.

May I watch?

Well Ellen, what did I say now?

That's really the one thing
I wanna' see while I'm down here.

Kreton, you've got to
stop talking like that.

I know that your from another planet,

but we do think an awful
lot about sex down here.

But were not suppose to discus it.

Anyway, it only happens
when nobody's looking.

Morning, Conrad.

Did you sleep well?

I was up all night...

Ellen, your father grinds his teeth.

It's just gruesome.

He's been listening to my mind.

I know all about the
weekend at lake.

No chaperone.

Yeah, how 'bout that?

How'd he find out?

I just told you. I was thinking about you,

Kreton saw it in my mind.

Guess who I'm thinking about
right this minute peach blossom.

So that's how you earthlings do it, huh?

Very interesting. Very
interesting indeed.

Well, I'm pretty well straighten
away except for one little detail.

A teensy-wincy thing
I still not to sure of.

- Which one has the baby?
- Kreton!

Conrad, go get the car,
we'll be late for class.

Ahh, in a minute.

I got to go out to the barn
and give Myrtle her breakfast.

I'll take her a corn flakes box.

I'll pick you up in a few
minutes honey child.

Corn flake box?

This seems much more nourishing.

I do believe he thinks more of
that goat than he does of me.

What a weekend.

I can just see her gorgeous
figure in that bathing suit.


Well, your the one alright.

Nobody ever whistled at
a goat in a bathing suit.

Except another goat I guess.

Oh, there you are.

If you're not busy, Mr. Kreton, my
husband would see you in the study.


What are you laughing at dear?

Conrad's goat in a bathing suit.

Oh? Did he buy her a bathing suit?

I didn't know she could swim.

Why don't you hang a
red light on that thing,

it's a menace to navigation.

- Good morning, my boy.
- Good morning, sir.

I need your advice.
I just spoke to New York...

I know. You spoke
to George Abercrombie,

and he's on his way here,

he's arriving on the 11 o'clock plane.

How did you...? Oh...
You know what I'm thinking.

And right now your pretty worried?

Of course I'm worried.

That fellow's my boss.

Hire and fire, fires
and hires, all daylong.

Why did I do that, if never
drink before breakfast.

A drink what? What is that?

- Bourbon.
- Bourbon? May I try?

I'm afraid you're a little young my boy.

Young? Here's my driver's license.

I have over 21.

21 million light years?

Yes, you should have seen my birthday
cake with all the candles.

Burned it to a crisp.

I'd be careful... on an empty stomach.

Really? Then should be a lotta' fun.

Mr. Delton, are you gonna'
let him try that stuff?

I am indeed. It'll teach him a lesson.

Give that kid enough cloud
and he'll hang himself.

Good, good.

Wow, that sure was powerful stuff.

Thank you very much.

Now, now, you can talk later.
Time for breakfast.

Ellen and Conrad want to drive
Mr. Kreton into town with them.

Do you like your bacon
crisp Mr. Kreton?

Yes, that'll be fine.

Good. You shouldn't be up there,

you'll get footprints all over the ceiling.

By the way, you can make
my eggs, sunny side down.

Now that's silly.

Now I know what they mean by "being high".

Lets have another one.

Well, begin to understand
how they do things on earth.

When Conrad tickles your ear,

that makes the motor go, right?

Conrad, tickling my ear, has
nothing to do with the motor.

It has to do with your motor?

You should try it sometime.

Love... its wonderful.

Oh, we gave up ages ago.

Took forever to stamp out diseases,

Scarlet fever, mumps anxiety,
common cold and finally,

the great killer: Passion.

You gave up passion?

Yes, we don't feel anything.
We don't do anything.

Inside were kind of like... cold spaghetti.

- Sounds terribly dull.
- Well, it is, a little.

You go right ahead, Conrad.
Don't mind me.

Oh, sorry, I was watching.

Unless we get moving soon
were going to be late.

Kreton, you did that. How'd you ever do it?

Very simple. I just
thought him into the air.

The next policeman is yours.

- Oh, may I?
- Sure!

- Hey, this is fun.
- Oh, it sure is.

- This is one mine?
- Be my guest.

What do I do?

Just focus all your thoughts
on that policeman.

- Ellen please.
- Conrad, watch this.

- Nothing happened.
- That's because your not concentrating.

Now, concentrate. Lift the cop.

Lift the cop.

Conrad! I did it! He moved!
He really moved!

That was wonderful, Ellen.

Tomorrow I'll teach you to lift buildings.

Isn't this fun?


Would you kindly stop
flirting with my girl?

I didn't mean any harm, Conrad.

Inside, cold spaghetti, remember?

Cold spaghetti nothing.

You got a hot chile look in your eye!

Look, look, here he comes.

Probably end up in jail.

We can't do that. It would
spoil our whole day.

Watch him. I'll give him an 8 the easy way.

You know your way back
home, don't you fella?

Well, I found my way to the earth didn't I?

That's a lot easier than finding
your way out of a turnpike.

Well... thanks
for the car, Conrad.

I'll be careful.

These turnpikes are murder. Ain't they bud?

They're not so bad, just follow me.

Flash! Ladies and gentlemen,

the most remarkable event
in the history of Virginia

has just occurred in Manassas.

At exactly 9:37 am,

at the Richmond interchange...

Mary had a wittle wamb.

Its fleece was white as snow

and everywhere that Mary went

the wamb was sure to go.

Hi Clementine.

Hi honey, how are you?

Now what's this all about?

Everyday the same old routine.

And I'm getting pretty tired of it.

Here he comes, the terror of Manassas.

Here here now neighbors should be friends.

I want you two to shake hands.

I positively refuse!

Right in the eye. You call her a lady?

Alright now stop this bickering

and I'm not leaving here until
you two kiss and makeup.

I won't kiss him but he can kiss me.

There, now that wasn't so terrible was it.

Dames, she really loves it.

Mrs. Spelding...

Shh! I'm eavesdropping.

Rogers been in there listening
to Mr Abercrombie for almost an hour.

I don't like that Ambercrombie.

I'm sure Rogers going to lose his job.

Don't you worry about that Mrs Spelding.

You've made a few mistakes
too many old man.

George if you're saying.

I'm saying that viewer wise,

sponsor wise, information wise.

You Spelding are low man on the totem pole.

The flag is down the lifeboats
are gone and the ship is sinking.

- And I'm the captain?
- But not for long.

You're going down for the third time.

Who's this joker?

Kreton? Oh, he's a visitor here.

Last night about 7 o'clock

Mary had a wittle wamb
its fleece was white as.

Spelding! Are you in your second childhood?

Yes sir, there's no other explanation.

Abercrombie, I've been looking forward
to meeting you for a long time.

You've always been A-1 on my ship

ever since the lifeboat
went up the totem pole.

I beg your pardon?

What I mean to say man, you're
the talk of Madison Avenue.

Oh? Oh well... aren't you
exaggerating a trifle?

Not a bit. How about that humdinger
of a deal you pulled on

BB. DD. JJ. And W, eh?

You really gave them the old
stabbed in the back. Knife wise.

I really pulled a fast one there didn't I.

Wait a minute.

Nobody knew about the BB. DD.
JJ. And W deal, not even W.

How did you find out?

Well don't tell me. From my wife.

No! Eloise.

Shh! Nobody knows about Eloise.

Not even your wife.

- Are you sure?
- I'm sure.

He's sure.

Oh, good good.

You see when a man has a wife like mine

and Eloise, like Eloise.

Well, he can get in an awful mess.

Would you pardon me, I want
to get some more ice.


What's he thinking about?
Am I going to lose my job?

Very important to get rid of Spelding.

I'm sunk.

Oh no your not.

Oh, eh, Spelding.

I suggest we let this simmer
in the pot for a while.

And about that BB. DD. JJ. And W business.

And... Eloise.

This is strictly "entre nous" of course.

Oh of course.

I won't say a word.

No, not as long as you still have
your job eh, Mr Spelding.

Oh I get it, blackmail!

It's not bad... blackmail.

No, I use it all the time myself.

You got quite a future in the
advertising game young man.


- Goodbye George.
- Oh, goodbye Reba.

Remember me to your charming wife.

Oh, yes of course.

Thanks, my boy. You saved my neck.

Well, I don't like him.

How everything go dear?

Fine, just fine, thanks
to our young friend here.

He really straiten old George out.

Glade to have been of service, sir.

Aah. What a great son in law he'd make.

- You mean instead of Conrad?
- I certainly do.

I don't know... Sputniks,
for grandchildren

but I don't think parents should interfere,

mine didn't or I wouldn't be Mrs.
Roger Putnam, Spelding. Goodbye dear.

Conrad, you know what I
think we oughta do tonight?

- Get married?
- No, silly.

I think we should take
Kreton to the "Hungry Brain."

- He might enjoy it.
- I wouldn't enjoy it.

Not with him.

- You're jealous.
- I can't help it.

Baby doll, marry me.

Darling I can't. Daddy would be furious.

If your daddy thought it would get
me out of his bedroom tonight.

He'd forge the wedding license.

Darling, I just can't marry you.

Your sweet, but maybe
what I really want,

what I really need, is someone
to drag me around be the hair.

Oh, you started. Good.

Oh don't mind me,
I won't make a sound.

I'll just sit back here and take notes.
You go right ahead.

Kreton, we went all
through that this morning.

It's not polite to snoop on people.

That's right mister.

Well, I didn't mean any harm. I'm sorry.

Kreton, Conrad and I have decided
to take you out tonight.

You decided..

We decided.

No we didn't.

Yes we did!

Well, I'm not going!

Then will go alone!

Mister, I don't approve of my girl
going out with strange men.

Kreton is not strange!

They don't come any stranger!

Kreton, you and I are going
to The Hungry Brain tonight.

Oh wonderful!

What is it?

Well, it's our favorite rendezvous.
And it's out of this world.

Out of this world? I'd better dress for it.

Well, here we are.

On the moon?

On the moon! No.

No Ellen, The Hungry Brain.

Come on dear.

What's the matter Ellen, you're
trembling. Did I drive too fast for you?

No, its just that I never cross the river
before without using the bridge.

Kreton, don't you know
what Bridges are for?

Yeah, to shade the fish.

Mr. Mayberry.

Thank you!

Let's go.

Man, now that's out.

That's so out,

he ain't never been in.

Well, real old fashioned music.

I think this is going to be fun.

Good evening, Miss. Spelding.

Good evening.

Right this way please.

This cat must be our new leader.

Well, if he ain't, let's elect him.

Crazy. He's a real kook.

Hey kook!

Like uh... who's the new member?

I don't know baby but he sure looks cool.

Welcome to inner space brother.

Thank you.

Say, that's a real crazy looking
pair of jeans you have dad.

Who laid the threads on you?

Jeans? Threads?

Like who's your tailor baby
and where can we find him?

Oh, my Taylor. Well, do you
know where the Milky Way is?

Yeah the...

The Milky Way.

Yeah, yeah the Milky Way. Go baby wale.

Well, you turn right at the second nebula

and it's the third planet
at the end of the star cluster.

You just ask for Mr De Milo
and tell him I sent ya'.

Man this cat talks off the top.

He's tuned in.

Tell me double hipness.

What floor do you get out of
when you split from the cloud.

Oh we don't use floors.

You don't use floors?

Oh no, we use fog.

It's much softer and far
easier to keep clean.

Quite a group aren't they?

Oh yes they are.

Except I'm a little curious
Ellen, tell me one thing...

What are they: Animal,
mineral or vegetable?

There people silly. Beatniks.

Man, what we're trying
to find out is,

where you planted here or did
you come in on the beam?

He wants to know where you come from?

Perhaps you'd rather not tell.

Oh no, I don't mind. I'm sure
they won't say anything.

Oh I'm sorry.

I come from X-47.

I live right near that
Taylor I told you about.

Out past the Milky Way.

Out... past... The Milky Way.


Oh man, this cat really from out of town.

Alright boys take five.

Hey man, we've been watching
you from the bandstand.

Oh really?

Yeah, you look out enough to make it.

Would you dig wailing with the group?

Oh well, thank you,
but I'm not a musician.

Although, I think
I would like to play those.

- The skins?
- Skins?

The bongos man!

Oh yeah, the bongos.

Crazy, let's make it.

Like now let's split.

Well, if it's all the same to you,
I think I'd like to play them from here.

You want to play those... from there?


Kreton, how did you do that?

Oh, uh...

Well, it's quite simple,
see, many, many diffren...

♪ Scoobe doobie, swilly a dow. Ah ow? ♪

♪ Oobie doobie cow. ♪

♪ Ooh be do be, dilla bop. ♪

♪ Diddy boo ooya coo. Mop mop! ♪

♪ Flu te flu tits city a twee. ♪

♪ Ot ee. ♪
This is a very sad story.

♪ Flu te flu tits, twee ♪
this is a very sad story.

♪ Flu te flu tits, twee ♪
you see it's all about a girl who

fell in love with a no good rat nick,

and it's very touching actually.

♪ Oo la ve, ♪

♪ Oo dwi. Ot ot! ♪

♪ Dilly boo-din' flop-n'? ♪

♪ Do ba re ba. Boo a-suya voodoo ♪

♪ foo ya oo ya foo ya oo ya. ♪

♪ Cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo! ♪


♪ Scoo be do be Ida bip. Ah ipp? ♪

♪ Scoo be do be fl-ip. ♪

♪ Skoo de do Dee bitty a dop. ♪

♪ Oh video, oh rideo, ♪

♪ Mop mop. ♪

A little kids a drop deserted her.
Oh my god. Why?

♪ Dilla boo din flopa' do boo re ba boo ♪

♪ ya suua' voodoo vooya' ooya coo ya ooya ♪

♪ Cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo! ♪


♪ Scoo be do bee Ida bip. Ah ipp? ♪

♪ Scoo be do bee Ida bip. Ah ipp? ♪

♪ Scoo be do bee foo lip. ♪

♪ Roo de do de vidia dop. ♪

♪ Oh video, oh rideo, ♪

♪ Mop mop? ♪

Oh, I'll be alright.

It was a lovely number. To bad
she left out the best part.

What part did she leave out?

The part...

Where her father makes it like he...

He doesn't know he did...

I get all chocked up when I hear...

Do you mind if I borrow your man?

No, I won't.

Life's a drag daddy-o.

Let's make it.

Oh, thanks you, but I'm with her.

No daddy-o, you're with "it".

Come on, honey.

Buzz over to my "hive".

Just watch my hand closely.

Nooo, you're watching too hard.

Just cool it man, cool it.


- There we go.
- Crazy.

Mr. Delton should see me now.

I can young man. I see you very well.

Kreton, you were just wonderful.

Oh, it wasn't anything.
Sometimes you do things

and your not really aware what's going
on because your just doing...

Ellen, what are you doing under the table?

- I've had it!
- This is ridiculous.

Shave my beard and call me normal!
Let's go!

Oh I didn't mean it!

Don't be scared!

I didn't...

Wait a minuet. I...

Kreton, will you come down from there?

I'm sorry, Ellen, I guess Mr. Delton
saw more than I figured.

What are those cars doing over there?

That's inspiration point.

Don't they have a lover's Lane
where you come from?

Oh no. We gave that up a long time ago.

Along with mahjong and community singing.

Would you like to go over and...
Park for a while?

Yeah, that might be interesting.

Hey, kill the lights!

Turn them off!

Turn those lights down!

Turn those lights down!

Turn off those lights.

It seems pretty dull to me.

They're just sitting there
and they're not even talking.

The reason they're not talking
is because they're cuddling.

Look at that gorgeous moon.

Doesn't the moon mean anything to you?

Of course.

Last stop for gas before Mars.

The moon Kreton, spells romance.

That boy and that girl they're kissing.

The moon did that.

Well now?

Is kissing really fun?

Why don't you try it and find out?

That's a splendid idea.
I'll run over and ask them.

Kreton, theirs no need
to make such a long trip.

Stay here.

I believe I will try it.

It is sanitary but it isn't as much fun.

I'd better get rid of that old barrier.

Oh, I like that.

You know something?

We're going to do that again.

That's what he think.

Kreton this will never do,
there isn't any "oomph".

On the contrary, I felt a definite
ping in my left vertebrae.

Let's have another whirl at it.


- Oh boy.
- Another ping?

And a pong and a wing ding dong.

I melted it. I melted it.
It's the real thing.

I'm in love.

Exactly as I anticipated.

- He's become an earthling.
- What a wonderful feeling, Ellen.

He asked for it and I'm
afraid he's going to get it.

- What was that?
- I must have blown a fuse.

- Ellen, do you know why...?
- All my fault,

I should never have let you kiss me.

Well, Ellen, don't worry, I-I'm
gonna do the right thing.

I'm gonna ask your father,
for your hand in marriage.


For my hand in...?

Kreton, do you realize
has what you're saying?

Well of course I realise, Ellen.

And all the time you thought was a cad.

Well, coming up?

No, I think I'll go get some hot milk,

or cold milk or something.

I'll see you in the morning, Kreton.

Happy, Ellen?

Well, not exactly happy. I'm...

More ecstatic. Yeah, me too.

I'm floating on air.

I heard that outer-space

Your not going to marry him.

- Are you?
- Of course not, darling.

I just don't want to hurt his feelings.

What about my feelings. I'm human too.

What do I mean "too", he's not human.
Lord knows what he is.

Well, whatever he is, Kreton
is kind and sweet and nice.

Oh Conrad, what am I going to do?

You gonna marry me,
that's what your gonna do.

- We're going to elope.
- Oh, Conrad.

Just as soon as I finish this sandwich.

You know Rags? Ellen and I are
really meant for each other.

It's really true love.

I know Ellen and I are
from different worlds,

that shouldn't be an obstacle.

Personally don't believe
in mixed marriages.

- Look at me.
- Why, you look just fine.

Fine? My mother was a Mexican chihuahua
and my father, a Labrador retriever.

How'd you like to walk around
with a warm nose and a cold tail.

Oh Rags, goodnight.

That poor earthling, Conrad.

He thinks he's going to elope with Ellen.

But I know better.

That's what he thinks.

And you know what's funny, Rags?

Mr. Delton doesn't have the slightest
idea about what's going on.

That's what he thinks.

Mr. Delton thinks that falling
in love will get me into trouble.

That's what he thinks, boy is he wrong.

That's what he thinks.

♪ Ta-ta ta-de-da de da ♪

♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da da ♪

Good morning, dear.

Young ones not down yet?

Kreton, Conrad, breakfast is ready.

- Where's Ellen?
- I don't know.

She wasn't in bed when
I woke up this morning.

Neither was Conrad when I woke... up...

They both must have had
early classes today.

- Good morning, Mr. Spelding.
- Good morning, my boy.

- Well, you in a good mood I see.
- Oh, never better.

Listen to this:

"The Amalgamated Television
Network today renewed"

"Roger Putnam Spelding's
contract for another 5 years."

It's your work my boy.

I want you to know
that I'm deeply grateful.

Well, don't mention it...

- Dad.
- Dad?

- Well, Mr. Spelding...
- Yes?

You see, there comes a time
in every spaceman's life,

when he finally meets
the girl of his clouds.

I've put away enough blue
dingles not only to support...

Roger, Mr. Kreton, come quickly.

This is actually the uh... point I'm
uh... trying to make Mr. Spelding uh...

You see, Mr. Spelding... oh.

Now what is it?

- The most wonderful thing has happened.
- What happened?

They married. Conrad and Ellen
are husband and wife.

- Husband and wife?
- They did elope.

- You see, dad...
- Dad!?!

Mr. Spelding, we just had to get married.

What do you mean "had to?"

We couldn't wait another minute.
Not with him around.

- So we eloped.
- Eloped you, you, you...

- Goat herder you.
- Ellen!

Daddy please!

- I don't know why you but I...
- We thought of this...

Don't get upset, Mr. Spelding,
I guess the best man won.

- Now wait a minuet.
- Excuse me dear.

I don't believe the children
have had breakfast.

- Conrad, you will stay.
- I'll be happy to.

Congratulations, old man,
I hope we can still be friends.

You mean you don't feel
"that way" by Ellen?

Oh, shes like a sister to me.

A sister, eh, Kreton?

I'll just show them how you
really feel about her.

Ellen oh, Ellen, you babe
with that crazy build.

I've been watching you
shake it around this house

and you been watching me watching
you and its driving me mad.


Kreton, what are you saying?

I do not know, someone unzipped my mind.

Mr. Delton. Please.

We don't need words honey, not you and me.

The first time I saw you, bells rang,

the earth moved.

It was like there was nobody
else in the world.

Just you and me, and the
black burning nights,

exploiting a thousand roman candles.

I propose mister that you discontinue
this line of thought at once.

No, no, its fascinating, really.

But Ellen, I didn't mean a word of it.

- I, I meant it, but...
- What?

No I didn't mean to say it.
Actually, Ellen, I...

And your hungry eyes, begging me,
imploring me and pleading with me,

to take you in my powerful arms.


Ellen look, actually this is whole...

Mister the woman you love
happens to be my wife.

- Conrad, please.
- Wait just easy honey. Barrier nothing...

Conrad... go ahead.


Get up.

Let him have it, Kreton.

Bop him one.

There will be no bopping.

Stand still.

It's stuck, Mr. Delton,
please, it won't hit.

- Mine won't hit.
- Hit me.

- Mine does not hit.
- Conrad, now stop it.

Mine don't hit.

- What's the matter, you a coward?
- That's it, yeah.


Daddy do something.

With pleasure.

It don't hit. Its... I'd fight if.

- Conrad, now please.
- Well he started it.

Whats going on? What happens here?

What are you all standing around for?

What are you so excited about? Whats???

What's he doing down there?

I'm hanging up the phone.

I hit him.

You... you hit him and you
aren't disintegrated?

I can't understand it. The
boy's lost his power.

Lost his power?

Then I'm save. I can do my duty.
Oh this is a day.

Haven't you time for a cup
of coffee, Bob?

No, no, not now. Keep
him cornered Conrad.

I'll get the state
police right away.

The National Guard.

The commander general
of the area.

Excuse me.

Take it easy, boy, take it easy.
We'll get you up.

We'll get you up out of there,
come on, up we go.

There... there there there.

I said if you got up I'd hit him again.

Let me at him. They don't call me
the Manassas mauler for nothing.

- Shut up.
- I didn't mean anything...

- Are you alright?
- Oh yes, I'm fine. Thank you.

Just wet. You see, where I come
from we don't feel pain.

Oh, we feel wet. You'll feel wet water...

But you don't feel pain.

That's what he thinks.

I didn't even feel
the slightest twinge of...


- What is it?
- Oh my arms. Mr. Delton.

You wanted to be an earthling, my boy,
so take everything that goes with it.

Oh, the leg. Just kick
the leg, there's a pain.

Oh, the back is a pain.

There's a head... there's a stomach.
Oh, the foot is a pain...

Oh! No more pain!

Myrtle/Mabel is using the phone
gotta use your...

What you...? After him.
Don't let him get away.

- He's gonna kill me.
- Well... Ah!

Come back and fight like a man.

You fight your way, I'll fight mine.

Come on, open up.

Come out and fight.

I won't come out and I won't fight.

Come on open up, you coward.

That's why I won't come out,
I'm a coward. That's it.

A spaceman, general.

S-p-a-s-e. I mean: C.

Yes state police are on their way now, sir.

Oh, good, good. I hope
you can make it, sir.

Where's a gun?

- Oh Conrad.
- There's a gun.

Conrad, deserting your post of duty.?

I need this in case he tries to break out.

Give me that, it's just
a conversation piece any...

Sure talks loud, don't it?

Oh, the police.

Excuse me, I better go make
sandwiches and coffee.

Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Let's get out there. Come on.

Well, after you folks. After you.

I'll stay in back so
I can plan our strategy.

Watch it. Watch it, he's in there.

He's in there men. He's in there.

He's in there.

He's jet propelled.

No he ain't, it's Myrtle. Myrtle did it.
Myrtle you come back here.


Alright, out of here.

Out of here. You might get hurt.

I am hurt.

All right men, grab a line get moving.
Lets go.


All right mister, we've got you covered.

I said, we've got you covered.

- Sorry.
- Certainly.

Myrtle, hear Myrtle. Where did you go to?
Come to papa, you hear?

Give me that.

You haven't got a chance.

Come out with your hands over your head..

I said, come out with your hands
over your head.

- Sorry I took so long, dear.
- Rheba.

- Ellen?
- No thank you.

Come out with your hands over your head.

Officer, egg salad or tuna fish sandwiches?

Please, ma'am, not now.


We mean business, if you don't come
out we'll have to use the tear gas.

Tear gas. That's a good idea.

Pardon me.

Their he is men. Watch him.
Keep your eyes on him.

The wind must have changed.
It's backfiring.

Watch yourself.

Put the women in the cars!

Roll up the windows!

Roll them up fast!





I can still fly. I can still fl... yow.

Come down out of that barn, mister.

I am out.

I'm going in.

The general doesn't want us to rush
the place until he gets here.

He's on the way
with a Life Photographer.

You naughty spaceship, you
shouldn't go away without me.

Wait, wait, slow down. Slows
down your gonna get me s... ohh.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hello, Mr. Delton.
It's your ship.

Had enough, young man?

Oh, yes indeed. Yes sir. I've had it.

Well, you always wanted to be an earthling
and now you know what its like.

Felt the pain of love, the pain jealousy...

And the pain of pain. And
that is the worst pain.

This is a crazy mixed up planet,
Mr. Delton. I'd like to get out of here.

And you'll never come back again?

Never. I promise. The furthest
I'll never go is the moon.

You've learnt a good lesson, my boy.

Remember, the grass is always greener
on the other side of the universe.

So keep your nose out of
other people's planets.

And from now on, I will.

Sorry, Mr. Delton, I hit my...

- Mr. Mayberry?
- Sir.

Wheres that man space?

Spaceman general? There
ain't no such animal.

So long, earth. It been lots of...

Mr. Delton.

Oh, Mr. Delton!

Mr. Delton help.

Help! Mr. Del-ton!

Help me! Mr. Del-ton!

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