Virgin High (1991) - full transcript

RADIO HOST: Good evening, friends,

and welcome to the Good Time Gospel Hour.

I have a vision, a beautiful vision.

A vision that's larger than life.

And I need to ask you to reach deep

and I mean all the way down to the bottom of your pockets

and send in all of your cash.

Remember, if it doesn't hurt, it's not charity.

That's the Good Time Gospel Hour.

Father Daddy Baba, P.O. Box 461339,

Hollywood, California 90046.



Oh, shit!

I said, no!

Why not?

Because I'm not ready.

Not ready?

That's right.

Oh, great! Thanks a lot.

My bra too?

What? All I did was unsnap it.

The snaps in the back, bozo.

You ripped it.

Christy, how long do we have to wait?

We've been going together since the beginning of time.

This is our third date.



The longest three dates of my life.

Jer, I've gotten into more trouble because of you

than with anybody else I've ever known.

Like when?

Like when?

Like when you put firecrackers in the tampon dispenser in

the girls room and I was suspended for three days.

And when you charged $180

of 976-PARTY to my father's credit card.

Hey, I'm planning to pay that back.

My parents think I've lost it.

One more thing and I'm grounded for life.

They're strict.

What time is it?

Relax, it's only 9:30.

I had to promise I'd be back by 10:00 just so they'd let...

Wait a minute, what time was it last time I asked you?

You know, 9:30 sounds kind of familiar, doesn't it?

And what time was it the time before that?

Uh-oh...

Hey, it's not my fault, it stopped!

Just shut up and step on it.

(CAR STARTING)

Hi.

Do you know what time it is?

Uh, 9:30?

It's 12:44.

Care to clue us in where you've been

for the past six hours?

We were worried sick.

Shut up, Margaret!

I can explain.

See, Jerry's watch stopped.

So, the Kaminski kid.

I might have known!

We didn't do anything wrong.

Oh? Nothing you'd have to make an

extra trip to confession for?

No!

You better not be lying!

We didn't I swear!

Holy handfuls!

That's it, young lady!

You're going to Catholic school!

(SCREAMS)

♪ I thought you'd understand

♪ When I led you by the hand

♪ That I'd never make you go

♪ Unless you wanted to

♪ Come on now

♪ I'm the guy who will show you what it's all about

♪ Oh, I've got to know

♪ Why'd you have to go?

♪ Why'd you have to go?

♪ Now you're telling him

♪ Everything you used to say to me and more

♪ And you know very well that I think he's a joke! ♪

♪ Come on now

♪ I'm a guy who will show you what it's all about

♪ Oh, I've got to know

♪ Why'd you have to go?

♪ Why'd you have to go?

♪ Why'd you have to go?

♪ You were gonna make me cry

♪ You were gonna make me wonder why

♪ You were gonna make me

♪ Think about the times you lied

♪ You hurt me so

♪ Why'd you have to go?

♪ Why'd you have to go?

♪ Why'd you have to go?

♪ Why'd you have to go?

I'm serious. I tried everything.

I wined her, dined her, changed my underwear.

The works.

So we're up at the point

and I figure it's time to make my move.

I turn to her and bam! She's out like a light.

Dude, what'd you do?

What any real man would do.

I figured it was time to take a few liberties.

So I'm a half a heartbeat away from the valley of my

ultra-vixen, she snaps out of her coma and

throws me back like a side of beef in the barnyard.

No!

Even the watch gag failed.

Jeez, you tried the watch gag again?

If the shoe fits, don't fix it.

How about your famous, I'm so in love with you

I couldn't control myself and can't live without you line?

I'll call her tonight.

(BELL RINGS)

(PHONE RINGING)

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

DICK: Hello. Christy isn't here. We've sent her to boarding school

away from the influence of losers.

Like you, Kaminski!

Anyway, Christy isn't here.

So don't call here anymore.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

PARROT: Kaminski's a loser, loser, Kaminski, brawk!

Well let's go. Dad!

Give me another chance, please?

I promise I won't mess up.

Ten years from now you'll thank me for this, Christy.

I think you'll find that a year without

sex, drugs and rock n' roll

is just what the doctor ordered.

How can you be so sure this is going to make any difference?

Well, if it doesn't, there's another school that will,

Godthab Academy.

Godthab, where's that?

Greenland.

(SIGHING) Greenland.

Anybody have to go potty before we leave?

Please.

Oh, hello!

You must be Mr. and Mrs. Murphy.

Sister.

How do you do?

Oh, and this is Christy I take it.

Hello.

Speak up, Christy.

Hi!

She is a spunky one isn't she?

I'd say too much for her own good, Sister.

Three years of public school

has turned this girl into a libertine.

Oh, my goodness!

Dad!

She needs a year away from the influence of

sex, drugs and...

What's the other thing?

Rock and roll!

Right!

Well, I can assure you, Mr. Murphy.

There will be none of that around here.

We turn out proper young ladies.

He's kicking! He's kicking! Oh!

Uh!

Are you ready to become a proper young lady, Christy?

Yeah.

There you go. She's learning already.

We have mass every morning at 7:00 a.m.

Classes from 8:00 until 3:00.

There will be no records, no TVs, no radios,

no loud talking, no slouching, no immodest hairdos,

no uncovered sneezing, in fact there will be nothing

of any kind in the dormitories.

Any questions? No.

Just follow these rules and these will be the best

years of your life.

Kathleen is our senior dorm monitor.

Any questions or problems, go to Kathleen.

Hi, Sister Romona. It's so nice to see you.

Kathleen, this is Christy Murphy.

She'll be staying on your floor.

Oh, how super! It's so nice to meet you Christy.

Same here.

Well, why don't you get her settled in

and I'll bring her luggage up.

Right away, Sister. It'll be my pleasure!

(SIREN SOUNDING)

VOICE ON PA: Attention virgins, there will

be no lambada dancing permitted in the dormitory.

That dance is forbidden. I repeat,

that dance is forbidden.

So you're the new inmate?

Huh?

What are you in for?

Dope?

Sex?

No, actually, it's all a misunderstanding

by my parents.

Right.

Listen, I'll give it to you straight.

The rule around here is you play by my rules

and I don't sic the nuns on you.

You stick with that and we'll get along just fine.

Ah!

Jesus Christ, McBride.

Who are you?

Christy Murphy.

She's your new roommate.

Theresa McBride, Melanie Baines.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi, nice to meet you.

I'll leave you lovebirds to get acquainted.

Oh, and make sure you tell her about the

Poor Pagan Children's Fund.

So what is the Poor Pagan Children's Fund?

It's this pool that we have to contribute $5.00

to every week.

Administered by Kathleen,

if you get my meaning.

God damn, what a bitch!

KATHLEEN: I heard that!

So, do you guys ever have any fun around here?

Oh sure we have lots of fun.

Is there ever any boys around?

Oh no. Boys are not allowed on campus,

at least until the big formal.

Wonderful.

You would be well advised to nip that attitude problem

right in the bud and get

on with the program. Because if you don't...

Oh, Sister Romona, let me help you.

Oh that's all right I've got it.

How are we getting along here?

ALL: Great!

Hi, Derek. Hi, girls.

Christy, this is Derek, the campus security guard.

He's our hero.

Right, Derek?

Right.

Come on, Derek, I better go get that trunk.

You can hold the door for me.

Bye, girls.

You remember what I said.

Oh, Dick?

Hmm?

You know I've been thinking.

Yeah?

Maybe it won't be so bad having Christy

out of the house now.

How so?

(WHIP CRACKING)

(SCREAMS)

(WHIPPING SOUNDS)

Hey, do you guys mind hurrying up?

Easy, Theo, I'm gonna need a good 15 to 20 minutes

just to coil it out.

Just a pinch between the cheek and gum.

Ahh!

You know many parts are edible.

You guys are disgusting.

Hey, I'm just getting to the good part.

Oh, that's it, I'm gonna puke.

You know, guys, I've been thinking.

If clowns like Stallone and Norris can

lambada in and out of Nam

like a couple of cats climbing a tree,

should be a piece of cake for a threesome of smooth

operators such as ourselves

to crack the parochial padlock on Virgin High.

So you cats up for a little

espionage-o-logical expedition?

Guys, there's no toilet paper in here.

Later, Zoom.

ZOOM: Hey guys this isn't funny.

I had Mexican food!

(BANGING ON DOOR) You guys!

Hey!

Get back here!

So, it was at the Council of Trent they made the

all-important decree of what? Who? Anybody.

SISTER: Melanie. Justification.

Very good. The Decree of Justification,

which condemned that nasty thing called what?

Yes, Melanie? Pelagianism.

Pelagianism. Very good.

I'm glad someone is thinking.

Now, all of this would not have been necessary, of course,

had it not been for that sneaky little twerp,

Mr. Martin Luther, who is guilty of having started the what?

Kathleen.

The civil rights movement?

Oh, good heavens, no.

Christy?

The Protestant Revolt.

SISTER: Yes, the Protestant Revolt

and don't ever say the Reformation.

Well now, girls, the um...

Bishop has decreed

that from now on our school must teach sex education.

So, everyone pay attention.

The sperm fertilizes the egg, the egg becomes a zygote,

the zygote becomes an embryo, the embryo becomes a fetus,

the fetus grows, you get fat and have a baby.

Are there any questions?

For tomorrow, chapter 23 in the religion text.

Staying Off The Slippery Slide to Hell.

Class dismissed.

Ah! I'm so sorry, Christy.

What a big klutz I am! Let me help you.

You owe $25 to the Poor Pagan Children's Fund

and you better pay up by Friday, or else.

Here you go, hon.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Mr. Casey is ill.

So I'll be filling in for him today here at Roosevelt.

My name is Ms. Bush

and today's science subject...

Is sex education.

Okay.

Sex.

What is it and what can it do for you?

Well, at the end of class

we'll have a little demonstration.

But first let's discuss the basics.

The sex organs,

one hundred and one ways in which they are aroused.

Hey, Zoomer, do you gotta do that here?

Hey, I got plaque, do you mind?

Yeah, I do mind.

Well, I have a newsflash, fuck you!

Would you guys chill out?

Man, I hate this! Every day we come up here after school

and we stand around with our thumbs up our asses.

Whose fault is that?

My point is we don't ever do anything.

I mean there's a whole world full of action out there and

we're sitting around here picking our teeth

with a coat hanger.

Yeah, you're right Theo. We never do shit!

We gotta get where the grins are.

You said it, Zoomer.

Well, let's get out of here. What do you say?

Right around you, dude!

Do we cruise or what's the news?

All the way, jock patrol!

(FAST GUITAR PICKING) Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(LAUGHING) We're out of here.

You with us, Jer? Sure, where we going?

Umm?

You know guys, your problem is a very simple one,

you've got no babes.

Really? Well, I haven't noticed you getting your

weenie roasted lately.

Yeah, but in my case, it's because they sent my

squeeze to boarding school.

Zoomer is right.

I mean, let's face it, were washouts with chicks.

Yeah, damn it.

But it's not our fault is it?

Maybe you guys just aren't cool enough.

Oh, no, Jerry, we are definitely cool enough.

We are the polar ice caps of coolness.

We just have the law of supply and demand working against us.

You know maybe you guys are right.

I mean, even I can't get a new babe and I invented coolness.

So, what are you going to do about it, frosty?

I've got a plan. All right.

You guys stick with me and we'll get the law of

supply and demand to work for us for a change.

Foul! No way!

You fouled me, Murphy, everyone saw!

You charged.

I say foul. Foul stands.

My free throw.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Behold the denizens of the Academy of the Blessed Virgin.

Virgin High?

Ow! (PANTS)

Easy, Zoom, don't make me get the fire hose.

Oh, come on. Get real here, Jerry.

These are Catholic girls we're talking about.

So? So you know how it is with Catholic girls.

You can looky, but you no touchy.

Oh, ye of little faith.

Let's get in there and slurp up a little poontang.

What?

Come on, what are we waiting for? Let's go get 'em!

Zoomer, in case you haven't noticed,

this is a private Catholic girls' school,

surrounded by an eight foot fence

and guarded by nuns who

probably carry guns, chains and hand grenades.

Theo, you have to understand that nuns are merely

a state of mind.

With the right attitude and a skillful plan,

there's no reason why a group of smart studly gauchos

like us can't have the run of the candy store.

And you've got such a plan I presume.

It's a two prong plan, listen closely.

Prong number one,

Zoomer, put your tongue back in your mouth.

You look like a basset hound.

Prong number two,

you guys go back and wait in the car,

I'll go inside and scope things out.

As soon as I have the situation in hand,

I wave you guys in.

You come on down, being real cool, like you belong here.

You're just going to walk in the gate?

You got it. It's too simple.

The brilliant plans always are.

Gentlemen...

Can I help you? No.

Can you tell me what business you have here?

I'd like to, but I can't.

Well, then I'm afraid I can't let you in.

If you must know,

I'm an official emissary from the Vatican.

They sent me over here to sort of check-up on

some of the girls, give them a couple of interviews,

check up on the morals of today's youth.

It's an order that comes directly from you know who.

Uh-huh.

Sounds like a crock to me.

Oh it does, does it? Yup.

Well, does the word excommunication

mean anything to you?

Nope.

It doesn't?

I'm not a Catholic.

Then I can let you off the hook!

Nice try, Sherlock.

Now, why don't you get out of here

and don't come back.

Got it.

I'll see ya.

Well, Einstein?

We're going to need a new plan.

Do you guys ever get horny?

Christy!

You two are terrible!

I never have those kind of thoughts.

Oh, come off it, Theresa.

I don't!

Unlike the two of you, I intend to bypass purgatory

altogether and go straight to heaven.

BOTH: Right.

And you mean to say, if Derek walked in here right now,

stone-cold naked,

and he said,

Theresa, I'm madly in love with you...

I crave your firm young body.

Will you two cut it out?

I want to rip the clothes from your creamy white flesh

and caress your soft supple breasts.

No, please, no!

We'll drown together in a sea of unbridled passion.

We'll have simultaneous, multiple orgasms.

Oh, no! Ahh!

(GRUNTING)

(GROWLING)

(MOANING)

Ohh!

(DEREK LAUGHING)

Whew.

Let's do it again!

Oh, I'd love to but I've got homework to do.

Oh, come on.

Now, who was it that got you a key to the Coke machine?

It was me, wasn't it?

Derek, Derek, Derek.

Surely you've heard of the concept of

reasonable value for services rendered.

Now, come on. It's time to scoot!

No, no!

I'm a little bit tired of this arrangement.

I mean I stuck my neck out for you.

I smuggled beer in here,

I got you those answers to that test

and all I seem to get for my troubles

is one little quickie.

Derek, did you ever think that maybe

I'm saving something special for you?

Yeah, what?

I can't tell you exactly,

but it does involve a bicycle chain,

a cucumber,

and six cans of happy whip.

Yeah?

Now, about Sister Gregorio's attendance sheet.

Okay, I've got it! We go up front of Virgin High, see.

We're tossing the football back and forth.

Then I send you out for a long pass.

Now, here's the catch.

I overthrow the ball.

Get it? I overthrow the ball,

it goes over the gate.

They let us through to get the ball, and we're in.

Simple as that.

Right, Zoomer. I'm sure that the security guard is just

going to ask us to stay for dinner because we threw our

football through a stained-glass window.

Oh, yeah, what's your brilliant idea

Mr. Potato-Chip-Up-the-Butt?

How about moving on?

Finding some girls with

intelligence and insight,

with depth and wisdom.

A girl who has something to say.

Theo, be serious.

Anyways, I've got an idea.

Kaminski, this is definitely the dumbest

thing you've done yet.

Do you want to meet those girls or what?

Bring them back alive, J-Man!

Hello, Father.

Hello, Father.

Hi, Papa.

SISTER FELICIA: Father! Ahh!

Oh, I'm sorry, did I startle you?

No, actually I just, uh, inspected

the water fountain over here.

Boy, cold.

I'm Sister Felicia, the principal.

I'm Father Guus.

Father Goose?

Guus, it's Dutch.

Well, you must have just been ordained.

Accelerated.

We haven't seen you here before.

Is there something we can do for you?

Actually, the Bishop did send me over here to

sort of check up on things.

Which bishop?

Bishop, uh...

(COUGHS)

Who?

Bishop... (GAGS)

Bishop Haughness?

That's right, him.

I can't imagine why he would...

Oh, yes of course, Bishop Haughness.

Well Father, we are delighted to have you with us.

My pleasure. Oh, please, do make yourself at home.

In fact, why don't I show you to the rectory

and you can meet some of the other priests.

Well I really wouldn't want...

Sister Felicia!

Oh, excuse me Father.

Yes, Sister, what is it?

Felicia we have a problem.

Sister Molano Voloce has taken a vow of silence and

we have nobody to take her theology class.

Can't you take it?

I have my history class.

Oh dear, I would do it myself,

but I have an important meeting in ten minutes.

Perhaps the Father can help us out?

Sister, what an excellent idea.

Oh, would you Father?

It's so important that we do not let their education

be interrupted.

And who would be better qualified?

Yes, yes, it's the first room on the left.

Oh, thank you so much, Father.

SISTER FELICIA: You are a saint.

So, Sister, the rumors are true.

Which rumors?

The ones about the Bishop wanting to

close down our school.

No. He has sent that young priest to check us out

and make a report. No!

Well, good thinking to get him into that classroom.

That will give us some time to alert everyone.

Right. Now we must immediately get on the telephone and tell...

Good morning, class. ALL: Good morning, Father.

Right.

Sister Molano Voloce has taken a vow of silence this morning,

so I'll be filling in for her today.

My name is Father Guus.

That's Guus, not Goose.

It's Dutch.

And this is what class? Anybody?

Uhh, theology.

Good thinking.

Which brings the question, what is theology?

VOICE IN HEAD: What is theology?

Who can tell me what this is?

A squiggle?

I didn't call on you yet.

Anybody?

Anybody?

A squiggle. Exactly.

But who can tell me the theological ramifications

of the squiggle?

Come on anybody. Let's net be bashful.

How about you?

He could come over there at any time,

so I would like to have everything in tip-top shape.

All right, Sisters. Good-bye.

(PHONE RINGING)

Sister Felicia.

Oh, hello, Mr. Murphy!

Hello, Sister.

I just wanted to check with you to see

how our daughter Christy is doing?

Well I am happy to report she is doing just fine.

Her grades are good and she hasn't had

a single discipline problem.

Excellent! Then it seems that sending her to your

school was the right thing to do.

Well, it would seem so.

Well, thank you very much, Sister.

Oh, and one other thing.

You may be aware that I am on the board

of the Gelt Gouger Foundation.

I also know about the financial difficulties

your school has been having.

Yes, it's unfortunate, but true, sir.

Well, if you can keep up the good work,

I'll see to it that the Academy of the Blessed Virgin

receives a hefty little endowment.

How does that sound?

Oh! I think the Lord would approve of that, Mr. Murphy.

(SIGH)

RADIO HOST: Daddy Baba's Gomashio is the spice of life

order yours today by sending

$9.95 to Howard at P.O. Box...

So, if you make a philological digression,

you'll see that the tenants of Zoroastrianism

merely reconfirm the truism that we are after all

merely adjuncts to the divinely ordained.

Which brings us to the final answer.

The final answer!

Which is of course,

sex.

Class dismissed.

Wait!

Okay, go.

Stop!

Okay, the rest of you go.

You, young lady, you stay after class.

Hey, babe.

Jerry, get a life.

Shh!

What are you doing here?

Roosevelt has the day off.

That wasn't my question.

I miss you. I had to come see you.

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be in this place.

You're not going to blame me for that are you?

Yes, I am.

Look, I'll admit,

you've had a little bit of bad luck with me,

but I'm turning over a new leaf, honest.

Right.

From now on I'm straight as an altar boy.

And is this what the altar boys are wearing now?

Look, it was the only way I could get in to see you.

All right?

This is absolutely the last gimmick I swear.

I know you've missed me.

And hey, I've got some friends for your friends.

Father! I thought you might...

What's going on?

Uh, I was just disciplining this young lady.

Oh, what did she do?

She was...

Making rude bodily noises.

Christy!

I was not!

SISTER FELICIA: Well I should hope not!

Father, I thought you might like a little

guided tour around the school.

Oh, that would be lovely,

but could you just wait for me outside?

Well, of course, Father.

Duh, Jer.

Why'd you say that?

It just popped into my head.

I ought to pop you in the head!

I couldn't think of what to say.

I stay out of trouble for five weeks!

I talk to you for two minutes

and I'm back on a shitlist again.

Why don't you just stay out of my life?

Christy!

How dare you hit a priest!

It's okay, Sister, she was just...

What were you just?

It most certainly is not okay!

Young lady, I am very, very disappointed with you.

You think you're sorry now, you bet you'll be sorry!

From now on, except for class and Church

you will not leave your dorm until further notice.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, Sister.

Now scoot.

Boy today's youth, huh?

I can't understand it, Father.

She's been such a good girl.

Must be that time of the month.

Well, anyway, I thought this might be a good time

for you to hear confessions.

Confessions?

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

My last confession was a week ago.

My sins are...

I coveted my neighbor's dessert in lunch hall,

I almost said a bad word when I stubbed my toe.

Oh, and I had an impure thought.

Oh, really? What kind of impure thought?

I...

I imagined I was kissing Donny Osmond.

That's it?

Yes, Father.

Don't let it happen again.

Yes, Father.

Are you going to give me a penance?

What do you think you deserve?

I don't know.

Ten Hail Mary's and The Lord's Prayer?

I can deal with that, but

go ahead and tack on 20 push-ups.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

It's been a week since my last confession.

Let's see...

I slugged a girl, but she asked for it.

And I cheated on a test.

But that's only if you call it cheating when the girl next

to you practically begs you to look at her answer sheet

by not covering it up.

And I told a few fibs here and there,

but I'm sure it didn't hurt anybody.

Any impure thoughts?

Well, sure, yeah some of those.

Tell me about them.

Well...

In math class I imagined I was sunbathing

on a deserted island

in my bikini...

Yes.

And it just got so hot

I had to take off my top.

Really?

And my nipples, they stood firm and erect

as the foamy waves washed over my body.

Yes?

And I felt this, this tingling sensation

on my taut supple thighs.

And I suddenly realized

I was madly, madly aroused.

Is this a sin?

I hope so.

What?

God only knows.

Continue.

You know, I thought I'd go with it.

I grabbed the soil and I just rubbed it everywhere,

just everywhere, all over my body.

Because it was so hot, oh, Father, Father it was hot!

(GASPING)

It was hot.

Ooh...

Mmm...

(FALLS ONTO FLOOR)

They caught him.

They tied him up with rosary beads

and dumped him in a vat of boiling holy water.

Would you relax, Theo, he'll be fine.

How did you like our chapel, Father?

Very, very, very much.

Good, good.

You know you certainly did take a lot of time

with that one girl.

Well I like to be very thorough.

I think of confession as a sort of...

A spiritual enema.

Oh.

Sister Felicia, I meant to speak with you

about that Christy...

Murphy.

Oh, yes, Father, what a shame.

I don't know how to explain it.

Actually, I think it all might have been just a little

bit of a misunderstanding.

See she said she wanted to make a confession with me.

And I said, Do you want to make it with me right now?

I think she misinterpreted.

Well, well she still shouldn't have hit you, Father.

Maybe we could just make her punishment

a little less severe.

Well, we'll see.

(PHONE RINGING) Oh, I better get that. Excuse me, Father.

Hello, Father!

Sister Felicia.

Sister Felicia, this is Bishop Haughness.

Oh, hello, Bishop Haughness!

Hello Sister. How are things at the Academy?

Oh, just fine your Excellency, couldn't be better.

Oh, and I want you know,

Father Guus has been having a wonderful visit.

BISHOP HAUGHNESS: Father Guus?

After lunch were going to show him the petunia beds.

Sister, have you been feeling all right?

Well, yes, of course. Why do you ask?

Never mind. Sister, I'm afraid we have some

serious business to discuss.

Yes, I know, we've heard the rumors, sir.

The school has become a drain on the Church's resources.

If it can't be turned around...

Actually, the good news is that our troubles

may be over soon.

I think we'll be getting an endowment from

the Gelt Gouger Foundation!

Oh, really?

Yes, and if you could bear with us until the

end of the semester, I think things will work out.

Well, I suppose we could hold off that long.

Oh, thank you, your Excellency!

You won't regret it!

And I know you'll be happy with Father Guus's report.

Who is this Father Guus business?

Well, you know, the priest you sent to look us over.

I didn't send any Father Guus.

You didn't?

Well, all right your Excellency.

Thank you for calling.

Goodbye.

Guus?

(VOICE IN HEAD) Hmm... Murphy, Christy. 217.

Where, where is he?

Wait till I get my hands on him.

Father Guus indeed. I'll Father Guus him.

My goodness if I ever see him.

I'll goose his goose.

SISTER FELICIA: Sisters and virgins be on the lookout for

an imposter priest who has infiltrated the Academy

under the guise of Father Guus.

He should be considered armed and dangerous.

Oh my God, he escaped! Well, how'd you do?

All right!

Put on your party hats boys

we're coming back here tomorrow night.

Four, five, six, free parking!

Ahh! You bitch!

(WOLF HOWLING)

If my calculations are correct and I do believe they are,

Christy's dorm room is 200 yards due southwest.

Which is right over that wall.

Hot damn!

No way, Kaminski. There is no way I'm going to

be a party to this.

Shit!

Community chest, $200.

I really appreciate you guys staying in with me

tonight while I'm grounded.

No problem, it's the least we could do.

Yeah, and besides, it's not like we have 40 guys

calling us for dates tonight.

Yeah.

You know what would really be neat?

What?

If three Greek gods came flying through that window

right this minute and swept us up in their powerful

arms and carried us off to Mt. Olympus.

Yeah, three Greek gods.

VOICE ON PA: Attention virgins.

Do not miss the movie tonight,

The Bells of St. Mary, starring Bing Crosby.

Okay Murphy, it's Friday night, time to pay the piper.

Come on Kathleen, give her a break.

When I want to hear from you, Bings, I'll send a fax.

Twenty-five bucks!

Well, I don't think you understand what the

Poor Pagan Children's Fund is!

It is not an optional thing!

Everybody contributes to the Poor Pagan Children's Fund.

What's the Poor Pagan Children's Fund?

GIRLS: Good evening, Sister.

Um, the Poor Pagan Children's Fund... It...

I may as well tell you.

See we've all been contributing to this fund

and at the end of the semester we were going

to give it all to you.

It was supposed to be a surprise, but, well

I guess you found us out.

I'll be darned. Whose idea was this?

Well I can't take all the credit.

I couldn't have done it without the girls.

And Kathleen's been keeping the money. She has over $300.

No kidding!

Well I must say, I didn't think you kids had it in you.

Nice work men.

Anyway, as you know

we've got our big formal in a couple weeks.

Traditionally, we hold a car wash to pay for the expenses.

I need someone to take charge

and I need volunteers for washing.

Oh, I would be delighted to advance the interests

of the school by organizing and supervising the cleansing

of the automobiles, Sister.

Great! You'd be perfect.

We'll shoot for next Saturday.

Now come on, Kathleen, let's go get that money.

Yes, Sister.

I don't believe this!

Jerry, are you out of your gourd?

Nice digs you got here.

Get out of here!

Oh! He's coming in!

Be quiet, this could be interesting.

Beautiful night for a party, isn't it?

Don't you think you've already gotten me in enough trouble?

I talked to the nun, you're off the hook.

THERESA: Who's he?

Evening ladies.

THERESA: There are no boys allowed in this dorm!

That's okay, we're not boys, we're men.

Please Jerry, someone's going to come up here for sure.

Door's locked, isn't it?

You don't look like a Greek god to me.

Greek god? I missed one workout.

Give me a break, okay?

I don't believe this.

We just broke into a girls' dorm room.

Hi! I'm Melanie.

Uh, Theo.

Jerry, if you don't get out of here, I'm calling the guard.

Come on Christy, 30 minutes

and we are out of here.

Word of honor, I absolutely swear,

you will not get into trouble.

Are you a pre-vert?

Oh, never on the first date.

Hey, would you guys mind keeping your voices down?

Are you always this nervous?

You guys, we could play some strip Monopoly.

Or regular.

I would like to propose a toast to Virgin High,

to moonlit nights, champagne and viva la difference ,

the tour du force , c'est la vie and soup du jour,

la toure d'Eiffel and whatever the hell else we can think of.

Hasta bazoolo.

ALL: Here, here!

(WOLF HOWLING)

(SINGING) Nothing is wrong baby, this is right.

That's why I break a cold sweat

in the middle of the night.

Chilled to the bone, yeah, through and through.

All I want to do is drive all night with you.

Oh, thank you very much.

(WOLF HOWLING)

Thank you. You're too kind.

You're beautiful. Thank you very much.

♪ When you were young and pretty

♪ And I was young and dumb

♪ I used to take you dancing

♪ And act like it was fun

♪ You said you liked my music

♪ You said it was cute

♪ Couldn't make you happy

♪ Didn't bring in the loot

♪ Those days are gone

♪ Those days are gone

♪ I got a new girl and she feels all right

♪ Got a new car gonna drive all night

♪ Feels pretty good, this life at the top

♪ I thought my life was over

♪ When you left me...

Well troops we've got $258.

With a little less loafing we could have done better.

Why don't you lighten up, Kathleen?

You may have squandered my money, Murphy,

but I can still crush you like a grape.

Okay, let's get this place cleaned up.

Hut, two, three, four.

Hey, girls how 'bout a wash?

Sorry, we're closed.

It's alright we'll do this one.

Hi sailors, what'll it be?

Give us an around the world with all the trimmings.

Okay girls, give 'em the hose.

Hey that sounds great.

So, Virgin High isn't bad after all, eh?

Well, it ain't Greenland, I'll give it that.

Me thinks thou dost protest too much.

You thinkest that, dost you?

Yep, me also thinks, thou hast a whole new attitude

towards old Jerry these days.

(GIGGLING) Hey!

GIRL: Water fight!

(PLAYFUL SHOUTING)

No you don't! No water fights.

Do you hear me?

No water fights! Stop this immediately!

Okay fine, act like children, but the first person that gets

a single drop of water on me...

(LAUGHTER)

Murphy!

I didn't do it.

Don't lie to me you little bitch!

That does it, Murphy.

You're a ghost at this school.

You're not going to blame me for that, are you?

Academy of the Blessed Virgin.

Just a sec.

Murphy!

Hello, Christy!

Oh, hi, Dad!

Who was that nice young lady who answered the phone?

That's Kathleen.

I told you you'd make nice friends.

Friends for life.

So, uh, are you looking forward

to the big formal next week?

Actually, I wasn't even planning on going.

Not going? Of course you're going.

You don't want to miss the big social event

of the year, do you?

I don't feel like it. Besides I don't even have a date.

What do you mean?

Sure you have a date.

I do?

I knew you wouldn't be having much contact with boys this

semester, so I invited Leonard Klappner

to escort you.

Leonard Klappner, duh, Dad, I don't think so.

A fine young man: smart, intelligent, well-mannered

and need I add, heir to his father's fertilizer empire.

Dad, I don't think...

Actually, your mother and I might stop by ourselves.

Uh, I've already discussed it with Sister Felicia and

she's more than happy to have us.

Dad, I wasn't even planning...

So, we'll see you at the formal

and keep up the good work.

Bye, honey.

(GASP)

You've been a bad boy!

Haven't you?

No, Mommy, no!

(WHIMPERING) No.

(MOANING)

Oh, God!

That was the most awesome experience I have

ever had without the use of a controlled substance.

Was it as good for you as it was for me, Kathleen?

I've got it!

What?

I should have thought of it earlier,

but I have definitely got it.

You told me those tests came back negative!

Not that sweet vacuum skull.

I figured out a way we can get Murphy.

(DEREK CHUCKLES) We?

Now you told me you were an expert with explosives, right?

Not exactly. I told you that once in high school

I cherry bombed the girls' john.

Well, whatever.

I figure we take your expertise

and combine it with my expertise in painting.

And with a little help from the Happy Whip company

we'll give young Miss Murphy a send-off to remember.

What are you scheming?

I don't like the sound of this at all.

Derek, honey,

have you ever made love in a Jacuzzi full of Jell-O

with a full set of leather accessories

and the Brandenburg Concerto playing at high volume?

No.

Do you think you'd like to?

Yes.

But not at any price.

I do have principles you know.

Yes, the same principles

the nuns will respect and admire you for,

if they ever find out, God forbid, that you've been

porking one of their sweet innocent little angels.

What do I do and when do we start.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(ENGINE STOPS SPUTTERING)

So you studs ready for the big night?

Hell yeah, Jer. I even bought some pope-a-lactics.

I can't believe you tried every one of them on.

They're one size fits all.

Sounded fishy to me.

So, Jer, I can't believe you're not going to this party.

As much as it hurts,

sometimes you just have to face the truth.

I just wasn't invited.

Heavy.

Anyway, Jer, got any pointers on helping me

get this girl to give out?

Give out?

You know, shut up or put down!

Hide the baloney, okay?

Now, Zoom, babe,

you have to understand that women have a completely

different perspective on things than say,

you, me, or even Theo over here.

So what you gotta do is be prepared.

Now you already bought the raincoats and that's good.

But if it goes that far,

be shocked to find them in your wallet.

Like, say maybe I must have planted it there.

Never let the chick know that the whole thing

was premeditated.

Oh yeah, right, take it from Dr. Pocket Pool over there.

Contrary to Theo's belief,

the five knuckle shuffle does not grow hair on your palms.

Listen, women love to talk.

So talk to her.

Use big words, talk about the environment, Jane Fonda.

Bullshit like that.

And if all else fails, go for the cones.

At least you'll go down fighting.

Come on Christy, you should be excited like we are.

It's going to be fun.

That's easy for you to say.

You're not going with Leonard Klappner.

He can't be that bad, can he?

Okay. But at least you can have fun.

There's going to be dancing and food.

You can't keep moping about Jerry forever.

I'm not really moping.

I'm just wondering if maybe I was a too hard on him.

I mean the water fight really wasn't his fault.

Zoomer started it.

I know.

You think maybe I should give him another chance?

I don't know.

But this is not the time to think about it.

Now, are you going to get over here and be

frivolous with us or not?

Sure.

You keep barging in here like that and we're gonna

have to start locking the door.

I'm sorry.

Actually, I came here because

I have something to say to Christy.

Christy, I'm sorry.

Excuse me?

I just feel like such a jackass.

I've been thinking about it all week

and I just feel like dirt for the things I've said to you.

Did the nuns send you over here?

No!

I just realized why I've been so mean to you.

Why?

Because I was jealous of you,

all of you!

I mean you're all such great friends

and I never had that.

I mean, and then I realized

that the reason I don't have any friends

is because I am such a bitch!

Can you imagine that?

So I decided from this day forward,

I'm cleaning up my act.

No more threats, no more nastiness,

just goodness and light

and goodwill toward all.

What do you say?

Great!

VOICE ON PA: Attention, Christy,

do not be fooled,

she is a lying bitch

and cannot be trusted.

That is all.

Well, I was thinking.

We should take up a collection and buy a gift for the school.

Oh, the other day

I saw this painting of the Blessed Virgin

that would be just perfect.

And then we write a little inscription on the bottom.

And then somebody gives a, a speech at the formal.

I don't know...

You, Christy!

And then we'll have the grand unveiling!

How does that sound?

Sure, we can go with that.

Great! Oh this is just going to be super.

Just like the four Musketettes!

Hey, hey Jose.

Zoomer. It's a formal.

You're supposed to rent a tux.

Hey I haven't got that kind of cash-ola.

Besides, I wanted to do the casual thing.

Damn! I don't believe

I forgot to order Melanie a corsage.

What?

There was only one left and some prom clown

snaked it before I could.

Oh, totally uncool.

You don't want your babe to think you're some kind of wimp, do ya?

I was going to spend $10 on that too.

Well, maybe, but I didn't bring one.

My babe would have slapped me.

You want me to look bad?

It was refrigerated and everything.

This doesn't feel right. Jerry should be with us.

Where's my hat?

Maybe it's best that he's not here this time.

Hey, hey, hey, Jose! He's our bud.

Yeah.

You think he's bumming?

Probably.

Hey, why don't we jam over to his place,

cheer him up and then ask him if he wants

to crash it with us.

Well, he's not crashing it with us,

but we could see how he's doing.

We're gonna be late to pick up the girls!

Let them wait, we're studs!

Theo, really, where's my hat?

(KNOCKING)

Entrez .

Hey, hey, Jose!

So how do we look?

You look like a couple of gonads.

Oh, thanks. We love you too.

What are you guys doing here?

We just wanted to come and cheer you up a little.

By reminding me that you two dorkuses have dates

for the formal while I, the wizard of studliness,

get to stay home with the Mario Brothers?

Thanks a lot, that's very thoughtful.

Jesus, Jer, lighten up.

It's not like you to be so depressed.

Yeah, in fact, I can't believe

you've given up on Christy so easy.

She's right Zoom. I'm bad luck for her.

Some things are just not meant to be.

Would you listen to this?

The wizard of studliness.

No, look, you guys just go.

Have a great time.

I'd rather slit my wrists in private anyway, okay?

Oh, that's great. I mean,

I know we're gonna have a blast now.

Just kidding, no listen guys, just go ahead, just go.

Come on, Jer. We can't, we can't leave you like this.

You're not leaving me like anything.

Just go.

Come on, Jerry, we'll get a little tapioca pudding,

some babes, a little baby oil,

put them in a little swimming pool.

We'll get real dirty.

Bye.

Oh, Jesus. Let's get out of here.

PARROT: What a couple of geeks! Brawk!

Are you boys just about ready?

Any time, Sister.

Oh, good. Here's your list of songs.

List?

Tie A Yellow Ribbon? Kum By Ya?

You really expect us to play this stuff?

Well, of course. Why not?

Well, you know, It's not our type of thing. You know?

Oh, now, now young man. Let's not forget

who's paying the piper tonight?

(ROCK MUSIC)

That's not on the list.

Good evening, Sister Felicia!

Oh, hi, Kathleen.

I can't tell you what an

enormous pleasure it is to be here this fine evening.

That's nice.

Is there anything I can help you with?

No, no, you and your date just go and have a good time.

Well, I don't have a date.

I don't plan to date until I'm 21.

I'm saving myself for my husband.

Really?

That certainly is a refreshing notion in this day and age.

Hi, guys and girls!

ALL: Hi, Sister.

Are you kids all set to get in there and boogi-oogie?

Oh, yes, ma'am. We're ready to get uptight, out of sight

I want to you to remember the rules: there will be

no loud talking, no slurping the punch, no close dancing,

and keep both feet on the floor at all times.

Now, you kids get in there and enjoy yourselves.

ALL: Yes, Sister.

Whoo-whoo!

You got all the stuff in place?

Mmm-hmm, and I got a little something extra.

You idiot. Do you want to blow the whole thing?

I just thought that you and I would get together later,

that's all.

Well, it's too risky.

Just get rid of it and meet me in the storage room.

Oh, Sister Romona!

Oh, look at the boys and girls having such a good time.

Isn't this fun?

Yes, it, it truly is a lovely party, Mommy!

Oh, ho!

Well now we better make sure that they do behave them...

Oh, look, look at that couple over there, Sister.

Just a little too close. You take care of it.

Go get them, Sister Romona!

So, I figured I'd gamble, right?

Grab the old five iron and lofted

a perfect fader around the tree.

Bit the green like a piranha, rolled uphill

and bingo, in the cup, 180 yards!

Can you believe that?

That's awesome, Leonard.

Next week I'm gonna get a new set of Pings.

Yo! Sister!

Leonard Klappner!

How do you do, Leonard? Hello, Christy.

Sister.

Your folks, they haven't arrived yet, have they?

No, but they should be here pretty soon.

Now, I'm sure there's no need to remind you

how important it is you make a good impression

on them tonight.

Hey! With me how could things go wrong?

KATHLEEN: Good! It's phenomenal!

I can't wait to see the look on Murphy's face when she

gets in front of the whole school and unveils this.

You are a real devil, Kathleen.

You got the cherry bombs?

Yeah. All hooked up and ready to blow.

All I have to do is set the timer.

And the whip cream.

Ah, I can't wait.

Now the presentation is at 10:00 p.m.

So you meet me back here at five of, sharp!

You got it?

Anything for you, honey dumplings.

Heck of a party, eh, Sister?

Your Excellency, you made it!

Well I wouldn't want to miss your big event.

Any sign of you know who?

No, and I don't know what's keeping them.

I'd hate to see them back out now.

We wouldn't want this to be your last hurrah,

now would we?

We certainly wouldn't, Bishop.

Sister Felicia, what's in this punch?

What's in it?

Well it's sherbet, fruit punch all the usual stuff. Why?

It's excellent. I've never tasted anything like it.

Oh really? I'll have to have some.

Oh, yes, please.

Ahh!

Can I help you, young man?

No I'm just here to take a few pictures.

I'm sorry, I don't remember hearing anything

about a photographer.

Listen, ma'am, all I know is the school already paid for

the service and the studio sent me over here.

I can either do it or not.

It doesn't matter to me.

Well, all right, if we paid for it.

Now the way I see it,

with your looks

and my brains and looks,

we could produce a whole litter of super achievers!

You want my studley body, I mean, admit it.

Leonard, don't make me put a footprint in your scrotum.

It wouldn't be pretty.

I love it when you talk violent.

Mmm!

Where are those Murphys?

Oh, Dick, isn't this romantic?

It reminds me of our very first date.

We went to Arby's on our first date.

No that was our second.

My prom was our first.

Now seeing it all here again,

it just makes me want to...

Ooh, you know what.

Margaret, please!

This a proper gathering.

Save it for later.

Boy, oh, boy, Sister! If you could bottle this stuff

and sell it, your money troubles would be over.

It sure beats and car sales and bake washes.

Ahh! Yeah!

Good evening, folks.

Well, well, if it isn't Mr. and Mrs. Moneybags.

I beg your pardon?

Excuse us, Mr. Murphy, we're all just on kind of

natural high tonight.

Here try some punch. Oh, thanks.

I think you all be very pleased with the little

piece of paper I brought

here to hand over to you tonight.

Oh, Mr. Murphy!

I know that God is saving

a special place in heaven for you.

Holy shit!

I mean, wow, this punch is fantastic.

Margaret, try some, try some, Margaret.

Smile everybody.

Do you believe in pre-marital interdigitation?

No way!

What's that?

Do you believe in pre-marital oscullation?

You really are a pre-vert, aren't you?

Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it.

Jesus! Pardon my goose.

Have you guys seen Christy anywhere?

Because I have to find her right away.

She's around here someplace.

I'm don't know if she wants to see you though.

Hey does Jerry Kaminski know what he's doing or what?

Tell her, Theo.

He's got no idea what he's doing.

Oh, Dick, I just feel so warm and gooey inside.

I could just beat the hell out of you!

No, please, Margaret, not now.

All right, baby. Whoo! Sorry, folks.

Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

Hey, young love birds.

Hi, Dad, hi, Mom.

Are you having a good time?

You bet we are, sir. I mean,

I may just have to take this young girl off

your hands one of these days.

Well, Christy,

it seems they finally made a young lady out of you.

I trust you're not going to blow it.

Come on, Margaret, let's get some more of that punch.

All right!

Ahh.

Ow!

Thank you, Sister.

Christy!

Hi.

The presentation is going to be any minute now.

Are you all set to do your thing?

I think so.

Wow! This is going to be all time.

I'm going to go set everything up. All right.

Leonard! Why don't you go take a cold shower?

Yo, baby!

To the Academy!

Hey take one of us!

Leonard, will you knock it off!

Oh, momma!

Damn it, Leonard!

Oh, no.

What? Not tonight of all nights.

Who? The photographer?

I should have known he'd show up here.

You want me to kick his ass?

No Leonard, just block his view and don't let him see me.

Oh!

Psst!

One more toast!

To our hero!

Oh, that's our cue. Come on campers!

Let's go, Sister Fellatio!

Hi, everybody.

ALL: Hi, Sister Felicia.

Are we all having fun?

(DRONING) Mmm.

Oh, you can do better than that!

Come on, are we all having fun?

(DRONING) Mmm.

That's better.

Well, first a few announcements.

The field hockey team is

playing St. Elizabeth's for 6th place next Tuesday.

It's already started. Hurry up!

Hurry Up! Damn it!

I'm going as fast as I can.

And don't forget,

there's an extra confession scheduled for tomorrow

for those of us that have had too much fun tonight!

HAUGHNESS: Oh, yeah!

(HAUGHNESS AND FELICIA LAUGHING)

(HAUGHNESS AND FELICIA STILL LAUGHING)

Woo! That was wild.

Well, now we have some wonderful news

for the Academy tonight.

I'm going to hand it over to Mr. Dick... Murphy

to tell us all about it.

Mr. Murphy.

Thank you.

Is this working?

(FEEDBACK RINGING)

Sister Felicia,

Bishop Haughness,

students and friends,

on behalf of the Gelt Gouger Foundation

and in recognition of your school's achievements,

I'd like to present you with this check

for $350,000.

Oh, thank you, thank you so much Mr. Murphy

or as you will always be known to us, St. Dick.

Well, next on the agenda we're going to...

Before Bishop Haughness says a few words to us,

I've been told that there's

one more important announcement.

Christy, come on.

Um, because the Academy has been such a

special place for us to go to school, the senior girls would

like to dedicate a small token of our esteem to the Academy.

Sister, your Excellency,

a few words in parting...

Did I mention what a great group

of seniors we had this year?

What the heck is she talking about?

JERRY: Get Kathleen up there!

Kathleen, yes, Kathleen,

let's get our very own Kathleen up here.

No, no way, I can't I have nothing prepared.

Stage fright. I have stage fright, okay?

Oh, come on Kathleen.

Everybody knows this is your baby.

Come on up here and give her a rip.

No, no, I can't really, I can't.

Oh, the hell with it.

No wait!

Holy headlights!

What?

FELICIA: Kathleen! Derek! What is the meaning of this?

Bye!

Is this somebody's idea of a joke?

Derek, go after her.

Christy, what the Sam Hill is going on here?

I thought it was a picture of the Blessed Virgin!

Right and I'm the king of Siam.

CHRISTY: No really I did.

Oh, Mr. Murphy, we are so sorry.

I assure you, we are going to catch those guilty parties

and they will be punished.

For your sake I hope so.

But in the meantime, I certainly can't let the

good name of the Gelt Gouger Foundation

be associated with a place

where this kind of thing goes on.

Oh, now wait a second here. Let's not be rash.

Sorry, I've got my responsibilities.

Christy, pack your mukluks.

We're leaving.

CHRISTY: Dad, please...

Oh please, Mr. Murphy, if you could just reconsider.

No! No! No!

(GUNSHOTS)

Come on, Margaret, we're leaving.

Oh!

This is not what it appears to be.

Sister, this wouldn't go beyond here, would it?

Hey, who did that?

You have nothing to worry about, sir.

We all have our responsibilities.

Now wait just one minute!

Oh, forget it, Dick.

They've seen us.

I'm getting some punch.

Margaret, wait!

Oh, what the hell!

Let's party.

Hit it, dudes!

Christy, your father has something to say to you.

Go ahead, Dick.

Right. Well under the circumstances...

Honey, I just wanted to...

I can't quite figure out how to say it.

He's sorry for jumping to conclusions about you.

Yeah, and well,

what I mean is...

He feels maybe he's been a little too strict with you.

Uh-huh, because the thing is... How can I put this...

He only did it because he loves you.

But now that you're older

maybe we can learn to trust you a bit more.

Right. That's it.

Dad, I never thought I'd hear you say that.

Don't worry dear, you didn't.

Let's go, hot stuff!

So, I'm just getting up to speed

and there's this unwelcome thud on the

ragtop of my cruiser.

No! Mr. Murphy?

Old St. Dick himself.

I guess I shouldn't have parked in their driveway.

I guess that's why fathers don't like

buying expensive prom dresses for their daughters.

Why's that?

Because they know that sometime during that night,

it's going to end up wrapped around her ears.

So what happened to Christy?

Packing her mukluks as we speak.

They're sending her to Godthab.

Godthab, where's that?

Greenland.

What's the plan now Jerry? You gonna go up to Greenland

and bust in to Godthab dressed as an Eskimo?

THEO: That's Greenland, Zoomer, not Alaska.

JERRY: Actually, guys, this time

I thought I'd dress up as a gynecologist.

ZOOMER: You mean a poon doctor?

(LAUGHING)