Violent Night (2022) - full transcript

- Action.
- Design.

♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪

♪ Ding, dong, ding ♪

♪ Have a holly jolly Christmas ♪

♪ It's the best time
of the year ♪

♪ I don't know
if there'll be snow ♪

♪ But have a cup of cheer ♪

♪ Have a holly jolly Christmas ♪

♪ And when you walk
down the street... ♪

Another one?

Well, I'm still vertical,
so I'd like to change that.



♪ Oh, ho, the mistletoe ♪

♪ Hung where you can see ♪

♪ Somebody waits for you... ♪

Ho, ho.

Bitter. Pint.

You just get off?

♪ And in case you didn't hear ♪

♪ Oh, by golly,
have a holly... ♪

I'm taking a break.

Between shifts,
I guess you could say.

- Hmm.
- You ain't driving, are you?

I steer a little, but the
reindeer do most of the work.

Mm-hmm.

This is my, uh,
fourth year as a Santa.



Ah.

How about you?

Lost count.

I forget why I started doing it
in the first place.

Same reason anybody
does anything.

The money.

Money. Money.

This whole planet runs on greed.

It's the look on
the kiddies' faces, innit?

That's what does it for me.

Ah, the look. Yeah, that look.

Lasts about two seconds.

As soon as they're finished
unwrapping,

they want the next present,

they want the next cool thing.

That's how this world works.

And kids...
What kids have become.

They're just like
little junkies.

They're little shits.
They just demand.

They don't believe.

They just want, crave, consume.

Maybe this is my last year.

The last Christmas.

Well, I can't stand seeing
another Santa in distress.

Put his drinks on my tab.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

Oh, very merry of you. Okay.

I better get going.

Presents aren't gonna
deliver themselves.

Oh, uh...

For your grandson.
Save me a trip.

It's, uh, that new video game.

It's Astro Blaster,
Blaster Astro.

I-I don't know.

Merry Christmas.

How'd he know
my grandson's name?

How'd he know I have
a grandson? -

Oi! That door leads to the roof.

Piss head.

Go easy on him. It's Christmas.

Hey! You can't be up here.

If you break your neck,
I'm the one...

My God.

It's...

beauti...

Hi. Hi, hi, hi.

There she is. Hello, muffin.

Let's go see Grandma.

Ooh.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Trudy.

Merry...

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

Merry Christmas, Daddy,
ya filthy animal.

She got to stay up late
and watch Home Alone.

Uh-huh.

It was so funny.

- Yep.
- That... that hurts.

- All morning.
- Okay, um...

Thank you.

For doing this.

I'm not doing it for you.

- It's Christmas!
- Yeah!

Merry Christmas, Al.

Hi, Linda. Merry Christmas.

- Mr. Lightstone.
- Hey, Al.

Hey, you back there, Tru?

Yeah, I bet you're excited
for Christmas.

What did you ask Santa for?

Not to work on Christmas Eve.

Must've been naughty this year,

- 'cause here I am.
- Mm-hmm.

Just make sure you let Santa
through the gates later, Al.

- Yeah.
- Have a merry one, now.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Al.

Merry Christmas, Tru.

- Thank you, Al.
- Yeah.

I can't remember
where the second one is.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas.

Hope you're on the nice list.

That doesn't go over there.

Excuse me.

What the hell is this?

You are the worst
catering company on the planet.

It's lengthwise, not width.

Unbelievable.

Okay.

Hi. Hi, guys. Merry Christmas.

- Hi.
- I'm fine. Thank you so much.

I'll never get over the fact
that you grew up like this.

My therapist says
I'll never get over it, either.

I need a drink.

♪ Two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree... ♪

Hey, look at that.

Hi, Linda.

- Hey.
- How's it going, Alva?

Mm-hmm. You gained weight.

Looks good on you, though.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

'Sup, limp dick?

I got great feelings
about this Christmas.

- You want to know why?
- Yeah.

'Cause I think this is the year

that Mom's gonna
kick herself upstairs

and choose one of us
to start running the show.

And I got to tell you, Jason,
that I'm gunning for your ass.

What would a Lightstone
family Christmas be

without groveling
and infighting?

Your rosé, ma'am.

Honey, smile. It's Christmas.

Mm.

Good. Good girl.

I am sorry about my sister.

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it is
to ride and sing... ♪

It is really nice to see you.

To have you here.

♪ Jingle all the way... ♪

Okay, I'm behind. Catch me up
on all the hot goss.

Hot goss. Okay.

Um, well, you remember Bert,
my sister's pride and joy.

Yo, yo, yo.
This is the Bert Locker

living that bling life
on Christmas Eve.

Hashtag "blessed."

He just got
what I can only assume

will be his first of many
sexual harassment accusations.

Mom paid off the school,

and now the gymnasium
is named after us.

Of course she did.

What about Tragic Mike?

All I'm saying is,

if I was on one of those planes,

9/11 would've ended
with a bunch of terrorists

skydiving over Connecticut
without their parachutes.

- Yeah. You like that?
- Yes. Yes.

- Yeah, I do like it.
- Ooh.

- Kiss me in front of my son.
- Now, huh?

Mm...

He might actually be
a decent actor.

-Hmm. -He's been doing
an Oscar-worthy job

- of pretending to find
my sister appealing. -

Now he wants Mom
to fund a film for him.

- It's Gertrude!
- It's Mom.

- Okay, let's do this.
- Okay, okay. Come on.

- Come on. Bert, get over here.
- No. Mom. Mom!

- Positions.
- Game time, buddy.

- Okay. Okay.
- This is my good side.

I'm busy. -ALVA:
We've gone over this! Come on!

Gosh. Okay.

Bert, get in the middle.

So it begins.

Seriously, come.
You know what that means.

Shall we jockey forward?

No.

No, we can hang back.

Yeah.

Trudy, honey?

Come on over here.

Just, like...

Threaten 'em or bribe 'em.

This isn't rocket science.

Same shit we always do.

That's what?

That's the best you can do?

Excited to see your grandma?

Listen, you cocksucker.

It's Christmas,
so why don't you take

your best offer, gift wrap it,

and ram it up your fucking box.

Maybe you don't
realize who I am.

Those were Grandma words.
You know, forget them.

Oh, boy.
Look at Mr. Cool back here.

Yeah, what's your angle, man?
Hmm?

No angle.
I'm not doing anything.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no. No!

Don't shit in my mouth
and tell me it's chocolate cake.

Grandma's cool.

I can make that story go away...

I think your brother's
up to something.

No, I just decided
to let you guys

have all the fun
sucking up to Mom today.

Please. You are King Suck-up.

You named your kid Gertrude.

Alva, you named
your son Bertrude.

Okay.

Sorry, Bert,
but that's not a real name.

Sorry, Linda. We can't all be
lucky enough to have daughters.

Mom, I can hear you.

You know something we don't.
What is it?

No, I don't. I don't.

I got it. Bingo.

I'm onto you, man. Come on!

- We were just...
- Come on,

come on, come on, come on.

- You big sack of shit.
- Ooh.

No wonder your husband left you.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Merry Christmas to you, too,
Senator.

- Merry Christmas, Mommy.
- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Why in the hell are you standing
all the way back there?

Merry Christmas, Grandma!

- Aw.
- Little bitch.

Little Gertrude. And how is
my favorite granddaughter?

Everybody calls me Trudy now.

Trudy?

-Well, that makes her
sound like a whore. -Okay.

Oh, she doesn't even know
the meaning of the word.

I'm starving. Let's eat.

Great.

And, Mom, I think Gertrude
is a beautiful name.

Mm-hmm.
I only call her Gertrude.

- Merry Christmas, Gertrude.
- Come on, Bertrude.

♪ When the kids
are fast asleep ♪

♪ Gently down the stairs
we'll creep ♪

♪ Then we'll lock and bolt
all the doors ♪

♪ Just you and me
and Santa Claus ♪

♪ We'll be as quiet
as quiet can be ♪

♪ Planting toys under the tree ♪

♪ We'll be crawling around
on all fours ♪

♪ Just you and me ♪

♪ And Santa Claus ♪

♪ For soon will be ♪

♪ That magic time ♪

♪ When we hear
that midnight chime ♪

♪ When that flying sleigh ♪

♪ Finally flies away ♪

♪ We'll have a very merry
Christmas Day ♪

♪ We'll raise a toast
to the team with the most ♪

♪ The best there ever was ♪

♪ You and me
and Santa Claus... ♪

Another fucking Christmas.

I made these all by myself.

- No way.
- Mm-hmm.

I even made one
that looks exactly like Santa.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

Santa gets a candy cane, too?

Yeah.

Mm, okay.

It's perfect.

No peeking.

This house has so many chimneys.

How will Santa know
which one to come down?

Oh, Santa just knows.

Christmas magic.

Honey, what's wrong?

Daddy never took me to see
Santa at the mall this year.

He didn't.

I am so sorry.

This year has been weird.

I never got to tell Santa
what I wanted for Christmas.

Oh, honey. Come here.

You know what?

You go put your pj's on,

and I will be two minutes.

Yes!

Okay...

Yes.

Yes!

Because you have been so good
to me and Mommy this year,

we decided that
you could have one gift...

early!

Really?

What is it?

That is a very special
walkie-talkie.

It's magic.

- Magic?
- Mm-hmm.

What you got right there

is a direct hotline
to Santa Claus himself.

- I can talk to Santa?
- Oh, yeah.

It's just like writing him
a letter... but better.

Mm-hmm.

Now, the only thing is,

he might not have time
to answer you.

He's delivering a lot
of presents tonight.

Mm-hmm.

But he'll hear everything
you want to say to him.

Hello, Santa?

This is Trudy Lightstone.

I hope you're having
a nice night.

Mm.

It's really cold tonight,
so don't forget your mittens.

So, I wanted to tell you, Santa,

I was extra good this year,

so I wrote a big list for you
with all the stuff I wanted.

But then...

then I realized
I don't need any of that.

I really only want
one present for Christmas.

I want Mommy and Daddy
to make up

so we can be a family again.

Okay.

Good night, Santa.

Good night, Mr. Bunny.

Which one of you did that?

You can't go two seconds without

crapping on the roof
like a bunch of pigeons?

So unprofessional.

You know, Rudolph
will never do this crap.

Hmm.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Homemade.

Mmm.

Ugh.

Skim.

Oh, yeah.

That's the stuff.

Mmm.

DuBoi...

- On some prewar shit
right there. -

Good shit.

Mmm.

That pairs well.

What do we have here?

Oh, yeah.

That's the stuff.

You know, uh...

Christmas is all right,

but you Americans don't
celebrate my favorite holiday.

Oh, yeah? What?

Boxing Day.

Yo, yo. B. Lightstone here,

live streaming the dream,
you know.

They say the richest man...

Say goodbye.

And if you...

Grandma! Your Wi-Fi sucks dick.

Damn it!

When he was small,
I begged you to beat him.

Hey. Merry Christmas.

Or should I say
"happy holidays" now?

Right? I mean, it's like,
people, make up your minds.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Can I help you?

Oh, yeah. I sure hope so.
See, uh,

my car broke down
a little ways...

Out here?
This is a private road.

You're telling me.

It's the first place
I've seen for miles.

I think I got frostbite.

Where the hell am I, anyway?

G.T. Lightstone family compound.

I'll call you a tow.

All right, revelers.

Time to steal Christmas.

Sound off.

Jingle. Check.

Peppermint. Check.

Sugarplum. Check.

Krampus. Ready to fuck shit up.

Candy Cane. Check.

- Go for Frosty.
- Go for Tinsel.

Go for Gingerbread.

Are we gonna use these stupid
code names all night?

'Tis the season.

Welcome to your worst
Christmas ever.

Trudy loves seeing Santa
at the mall.

She loves going with her father.

And you should've
taken her yesterday,

like you do every Christmas,

but we didn't even
hear from you.

Mom put me on a special project.

- It's complicated.
- But it's not,

because it keeps happening
over and over.

-Your mother forcing herself
between us. -You're right.

What if we could give Trudy
her Christmas wish?

You're trying to win me back

with a romantic weekend
at your mother's?

What if things
really changed this time?

We got out from under
my mother's thumb.

We'll walk away.

From the company, the family.

Tonight.

What are you up to?

Let's go.

We need to get you out of here.

Mommy, where are you going?

- She's going for the panic room!
- What?

- Yes. Go, Bertrude.
- Without us?

Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck.

There isn't room for all of us.

She can fit at least two of us.
Mom, take me.

- Mom!
- Oh. Yeah.

M-Mom, can Bert come, too?

Okay. Move it or lose it, son.

- Move it!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're supposed to protect us.

We protect the primary asset.

Who the hell are you?

You can call me Mr. Scrooge.

Hilarious.

Get him.

Bah humbug, motherfucker.

Hey. Step aside.

Tinsel, Peppermint,
sweep upstairs.

I want all the Lightstones
together.

Kill anybody else you find.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck.

Trudy, honey, we got to go.

Wake up, honey. Wake up.

Maybe we can get out the back
by the servants' stairs.

Oh, come on. Not now. Not now.

Fuck! Fuck!

Mistletoe, gingerbread.

Hey!

Oh. Oh.

Hi.

You got me.

I don't want any trouble, okay?

Downstairs. Now.

Look, mister,
I don't want to get involved.

I just...
I just have a job to do.

Okay? That's it.

I'm just gonna take my bag,

and I'm just gonna
scooch up that chimney.

Enough talk. Let's go.

You don't want to do this.

What? This?

Now, move!

Are you deaf?

Fucking move!

No, no, no.

No! Wait!

Wait.

Wait! Don't go!

Come back!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, shit.

Damn chickenshit reindeer
leave me here to die.

♪ Violent night ♪

♪ Gory night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ If all doesn't want to get
shot in the fucking head. ♪

Cute.

Do you have any idea
who you're fucking with?

I know exactly
who I'm fucking with.

Oh, wait, wait.
Did you actually think

that I spent months

planning a complex break-in
to the most secure

private residence in the country

and I didn't know
who lived here?

Well, you're wrong.

'Cause your staff are dead.

Your security are dead.

Now, sit down
and shut the fuck up!

Oh, fuck.

We planned it. It's all right.

It'll be solved
in a couple minutes.

Better be solved.

So much like a scene
from my movie Dark Ransom.

Oh, my God.

If they didn't have guns,

I could take out three,
maybe four of them.

Try all of them.

Ew, Mom. Yuck.

If you'd really done
your research, you'd know

that my brother Rory
was kidnapped in the '70s.

But my father
never called the police.

Dad sent in our own
private extraction team,

and Rory was home
safe and sound a week later.

And the kidnappers
were never found.

If you get me.

I know.

I know all about
your extraction team

that you affectionately call
"the Kill Squad"

behind closed doors.

I also know
that they're on their way

and how long it's gonna
take 'em to get here.

I even know their credit ratings
and their dick sizes.

If you get me.

Then you should also know
you're already dead.

We don't do ransoms.

Again, I know. I know.

See, I know a lot, Gertrude.

I really do.

Like the fact that you have
300 million in U.S. dollars

sitting in your personal vault
downstairs.

- The fuck?
- That's right.

300 million that
the U.S. government

gave Lightstone to quietly
distribute in the Middle East

to all the worst people,

to grease the wheels
and keep that sweet oil flowing.

300 million that... oops...
Disappeared in the fog of war.

Except it didn't really
disappear, did it, Gerty?

'Cause you stole it.

Did you know about this?

Man, this family.

This moneygrubbing family.

Clinging desperately
to your wealth,

when your poor employees
don't even have enough coal

to keep Tiny Tim warm.

What is it with you
and all this Christmas shit?

Talk all you want.

You'll never get in the vault.

Oh, oh, oh, because when
you-you hit the panic button,

it reset the combination?

I keep telling you, I know.

This is what breaking
into a vault has turned into?

Remember when you just had to
drill holes and blow shit up?

I don't know,
maybe I'm getting old,

but there was something
romantic about that.

Boss, you copy?

I'm kind of busy here.

You're gonna want to see this.

Maybe he fell.

You rappel down buildings
with him.

You gonna tell me
he just fell out a window?

All right, look lively, gang.

We got a gopher.

You know what?

Um, I think Mr. Bunny
wants to go to sleep.

So, let's tuck him in.

Okay?

It's gonna be okay.

Hello? Santa?

Are you there?

Shit.

This is
Candy Cane at checkpoint three.

Oh, shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Video game.

Video game.

Didn't anybody ask
for a bat or a sword

or Molotov cocktails?

Wait.

Mommy, I love you.

Poetry book.

Die Hard on Blu-ray. Fuck!

- ♪ Mamacita ♪
- ♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

- ♪ ¿Dónde está Santa Claus? ♪
- ♪ Mamacita ♪

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

- ♪ ¿Dónde está Santa Claus? ♪
- ♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh... ♪

Safety's on, dipshit.

- ♪ Mamacita ♪
- ♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ Oh, where is Santa Claus? ♪

♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ I look for him because ♪

Wait. Hang on. Hang on.

♪ It's Christmas Eve... ♪

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. Look.

I don't want to kill you.

Wow, a big fat guy, gray beard.

Eh?

Santa...

I'm gonna rip
your fucking balls off.

♪ I hope he won't forget
to crack his castanets ♪

♪ And to his reindeer say ♪

♪ "Oh, Pancho, oh, Vixen,
oh, Pedro, oh, Blitzen..." ♪

Oh, shit.

- ♪ Mamacita ♪
- ♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ ¿Dónde está Santa Claus? ♪

♪ Oh, where is Santa Claus? ♪

♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ Christmas Eve ♪

♪ I hope he won't forget ♪

♪ To crack his castanets ♪

♪ And to his reindeer say ♪

♪ "Oh, Pancho, oh, Vixen,
oh, Pedro, oh, Blitzen ♪

♪ Olé, olé, olé" ♪

- ♪ Mamacita ♪
- ♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ ¿Dónde está Santa Claus? ♪

♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

♪ Oh, where is Santa Claus? ♪

♪ Mamacita, ah-ooh ♪

- ♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪
- ♪ Christmas Eve ♪

♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪

♪ Mamacita ♪

- ♪ It's Christmas Eve ♪
- ♪ Mamacita. ♪

Ah, God.

Whew.

Whew. Whew.

This is Candy Cane checking in.

Compound is clear and secured.

Copy. What's the
status on the Kill Squad?

Kill Squad
won't be here for two hours.

So we're doing good. The outer
seal's already been breached.

Is there a 911 thing on here?

My...

Am I doing that correct?

Hello?

Hello, can anybody hear me?

Can you hear me, Santa?

Hello?

Santa?

Yeah, this is Santa.

I hope I'm not bothering you.

Daddy said you were
very busy tonight.

I'm...

I'm on a break.

Who-who am I speaking to?

My name is Trudy Lightstone,

and I've been very good
this year.

Trudy...

Trudy Lightstone.

Yeah, Trudy.

You're on my nice list.

You've been a very good girl
this year.

Where are you now, Trudy?

I'm in a big room
with all my relatives.

There's two bad men with guns
watching us.

Oh, no. Six left.

Are you gonna help us, Santa?

Yeah. Of course
I'm gonna help you.

I'm gonna...
I'm gonna get you out of there.

Take all these bad guys
on my naughty list...

I'm gonna take a lump of coal,

each and every one of them,
and shove it straight up...

The ass.

Well, I mean, come on, sweetie.

We want to keep you
on the nice list, you know.

Sorry.
Can I say "butthole," then?

I mean, it's borderline.

How about "anus"?

Technically, yes,
uh, "anus" is the tech...

Okay, look, uh, Tru...
uh, Trudy.

I got to call for help,
and the phone lines are down.

You probably know this house
better than anybody.

You got any suggestions?

I have an idea.

All right, you're telling me
there's a goddamn Santa Claus

running around here?

Okay, well,
he looks jolly as fuck,

but who the hell is he?

There's no Santa listed
on the employee manifest.

Yeah, there's more.

Frosty hasn't checked in.
I can't reach him.

All right, keep trying.

All right, it's official.

We got a gopher on the loose,
and he's dangerous.

Watch your backs.

Al? Al?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

Frosty, what's your status?

Frosty, sound off.

Uh, Frosty?

Is-is that, uh...

is that the naughty guy
I met in the basement?

Your-your friend is dead.

Uh, he got a star in his face,
then his head caught on fire.

It's a long story.

Oh.

Is this... is this our Santy?

Is this our... our Santy Claus?

Yeah, it is.

To whom am I speaking?

Well, for tonight,
I'm Mr. Scrooge.

Now, what is it
that you want exactly, Santa?

I want you to put down
your weapons,

I want you to let
this family go,

and then I want to find
my reindeer,

and I want to continue
delivering my presents.

Are you fucking with me?

All right, who the hell
are you really, huh?

Some security guard who's
watched too many action flicks?

Some loser ex-cop
stuck in a mall

playing dress-up with fat kids
pissing on your lap?

Stop me when I get it right.

It's a little more complicated
than that.

Not to me, it's not.

'Cause I want to make it
my personal mission,

my holiday to-do list,
to find you and to end you

and to wipe my ass with you
and this whole fucking holiday.

That's what I want
for Christmas, Santa.

That is a terrible thing
to want for Christmas.

But maybe you and I should
discuss that in person.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

Shit.

All right, who did you hire

to play Santa at
your Christmas party, huh?

I said, who's playing Santa

at your fucked-up
Christmas party?

I didn't hire a Santa.

I never have a Santa.
It's tacky.

So, who is he?

♪ Oh, what fun
it is to ride... ♪

Huh? Who is he?

Somebody better start talking,

or I'm gonna bash
her brains in with this...

Damn, Gertrude. You really got
a thing for nutcrackers, huh?

So, I'm gonna torture
everyone in your family

until you tell me who's
running around your mansion

playing Santa
and fucking with my shit.

And who should I pick first?

Should I go by age?

Shh.

Or should I go by IQ?

Pick Jason.
He's my mom's favorite.

- Yep. Him.
- The one in the sweater.

All right.
Jason Lightstone it is.

- The number one son.
- No.

Wait, wait, wait.
No, we don't need...

We don't need to do that.
No, it's okay.

No. No, no, no.
We don't need to do this.

No. No, no, no, no.

Don't, don't, don't.

- No, don't... Put it...
- Don't... No. -

- No, no, no, no. No, no.
- Give me this fucking...

I'm telling you,
no one hired a Santa.

All right, all right,
all right. You're right.

You're right.
Let's stop it. Let's stop it.

What are we doing here? Come on.

What are we, amateurs?
We're half-assing this.

Come on. It's not called
a finger cracker.

Okay, Candy Cane.

Stick one of his bozaks
in there.

I'm not touching his balls.

What, are you a princess
all of a sudden?

I've seen you
scoop out brains before.

You want me
to scoop his brains out,

I'll scoop his brains out
right now,

but I'm not touching his junk.

I don't care who does it.

I better be looking
at flat balls,

like, in three seconds.

I'll do it.

Krampus. Perfect.

Oh, not that guy. Not that guy.

That's what I love
about sociopaths.

Always up for trying new things.

You don't need to do this, okay?

No, it's all right.
Um... Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Put your nuts in.

Yummy, yummy.

Stop hurting my daddy...

or Santa will get mad.

Ah, what a cutie.

So, what do we know
about Santa, little one?

She doesn't know anything
about Santa.

He wasn't asking you.

She's playing make-believe.

She's pretending
to talk to Santa.

It's not pretend.
Santa's my friend,

and he said
he's going to save us.

No.

- And beat you up.
- Oh, is he?

I bet he'd come out of hiding
if you asked him to, huh?

What do you say you come with me

-and we play a little game
with him, huh? -No, no, no.

Trudy, come on.
Tell him the truth now.

- You aren't talking to Santa.
- Yes, I am.

No, you're not. Come on, now.

-Yes, I am. -Damn it, Trudy,
Santa isn't real!

I'm sorry, honey.

Santa's just a thing
adults tell kids

to make them feel better, okay?

Your mommy and I
give you the presents,

and we say they're from Santa.

He's not coming to save us.

He doesn't exist.

It's all made-up.

- Really?
- Aw.

What a way to find out
that there's no Santa.

Hey, let's come back Easter
and ruin the Easter Bunny

for her, too, huh?

- Trudy!
- Come back here!

- Stop her!
- Trudy! -Hey!

You idiots, stay at your posts.

Trudy!

I'll find this little brat.

Okay.

Santa. Santa.

Santa!

This is Trudy.

Are you okay, Santa?

Hi. Hey.

Are you okay?

I'm good. Uh...

I was just wrapping
something up.

I ran away and hid in the attic.

Okay. If you're safe...

uh, just stay there
and, uh, stay quiet, all right?

Okay. I can set up booby traps,
like in Home Alone.

Okay, I don't know
what that means,

but, uh, yeah, do that.

Just do it quietly.

Are you really Santa?

Of course I am, sweetheart.

My daddy says
there isn't any Santa.

He says parents just tell
their kids that Santa's real

to make them feel better.

He said they give us presents

and say they're from Santa.

Yeah.

Yeah, a lot of parents say that.

But I still bring presents
to kids that need me.

Kids who really believe.

How do you know
who really needs you?

Christmas magic.

I'm not really sure
how it works.

But, uh...

I remember, um...

when Trudy Lightstone
wrote to me.

She must have been
about six years old,

and she said that
she felt lonely sometimes.

She missed having a best friend.

And so I brought her

a beautiful little
stuffed rabbit.

Mr. Bunny.

And then I remember
the next year,

and you said you had
this amazing dream

and that, afterwards,
all you wanted to do was...

To fly!

To fly. To fly.

I mean, Santa might have
some magic, but...

making a little girl fly?

But giving you a kite,

floating just beneath
the clouds,

well, it's about
as good as it gets.

I knew it.

I knew you were real, Santa.

Don't be too hard
on your parents, all right?

Grown-ups have a hard time
believing things.

Can you use your Christmas magic

to make them
love each other again?

I wish I had that kind of power.

Mrs. Claus and I have been
going on year, uh,

1,100, and...

Grown-up relationships
are complicated.

It takes work.

A lot of work.

Do you still love her?

Yeah, I do.

And sometimes, even if you want
to make somebody happy...

the magic just goes away.

Hey.

I've got an idea.

This will be fun.

Why don't you guys
open your presents?

I want to see what you
rich assholes get each other.

And some of you might not
make it till tomorrow morning,

so this could be
your only chance.

Come on.

Where's the Christmas spirit?

Uh...

Gertrude, uh, I got you
something pretty special.

Did you hear that, Gertrude?

He got you something amazing.

Oh, what could it be?

Oh, my God, this is exciting.

Mom.

Can I call you Mom?

Mrs. Lightstone.

Okay, so in the business,
they call this...

a pitch deck.

- Pitch deck.
- Yeah.

It's called Explosive Force.

Starring me.

And if you look in the back,

there are the financial numbers.

I'm kind of a big deal in Asia.

Parts of Asia, at least.

We were in parts of Asia once,
and, like,

we couldn't even go
to a restaurant.

Ah, what is there
a better gift than...

gift of a golden opportunity?

Oh, no.

Granny doesn't like it.

Mother, I got you something
really special.

It's a sentimental photo
of the day I was born.

I remember.

I was there.

She doesn't give a shit.

Swing and miss again!

This is so fun.

Mommy, how about another one?

I got you a lot of good things.

- I'll grab one.
- Alva, Alva, sit down.

You've already given me one.
It's...

It's Jason's turn.

Uh...

I th... I-I think
I left it in the car.

No, I-I saw you put one
under the tree earlier.

- No. It's in the...
- Yeah, I did.

I could've sworn.
You know what, it's, uh...

Y-You don't... you don't...
you don't... you...

It's this one, right?
Yeah, I got you, bro.

Come on.

Thank you.

It's my favorite whiskey.

You can skip the note.

Thank you, Jason.

What's the card say?

I think I'll just keep that
between Jason and I.

No one really needs to know.
Right, Jason?

Right.

Did you ever have
a mommy and daddy?

Yeah, of course
I had a mommy and daddy.

I wasn't...
I wasn't always Santa Claus.

I had a life before this.

A long, long, long time ago.

They used to call me, uh...

Nicomund.

Nicomund the Red.

You had a different job then?

Yeah, you could say that.

I was a warrior.

A raider. A thief.

And if somebody got in my way,

me and Skullcrusher would...

Who's Skullcrusher?

Skullcrusher's my, uh...

my hammer.

My favorite hammer.

I was a surgeon with that thing.

Used to be able to take
three heads, line 'em up...

But why?

What?

Why'd you do those things?

Because I was mean.

And I was greedy.

And I wanted gold, jewels.

Yeah, I mean, if there was
a naughty list back then,

I'd be top dog.

Well, maybe...

What?

Maybe all those bad things
you used to do...

maybe you can use them
to do good things instead.

To help.

What do you mean?

Mr. Bunny, he wasn't just a toy.

That night, you gave me
what I wished for.

A best friend.

'Cause you're good and kind.

And you mean more than just
the presents you bring.

That's why I believe in you,
Santa.

That's why I believe.

Thank you.

You stay hidden, Trudy,
till I come get you.

Stay safe.

All right,
we got satellite confirmation.

Extraction team's on the go.

30 minutes.

We're on schedule.

Everything's good.

All right, fellas.

Look alive, look alive.

You all know the plan,

and I like my operations
like I like to fuck:

hard and fast
with minimal cleanup.

Now, some idiot gets
in your way, what do you do?

Fuck their shit up right!

Damn right.

Time to lube up.

Let's go, motherfuckers!
Let's go!

This fucking family.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

Traitor.

I got him in the east wing.

All right,
we're on our way. Hold him.

Step aside.

Now, how did this tired, old,

fat piece of shit
get the drop on us?

I don't know.

He's not even armed.

This bag is the only thing
he had on him.

What's in there?

Can't see anything.

Here, give it to me.

What kind of moron...

carries a chess set with him?

What the fuck?

Doesn't make any sense.
Look at all this shit.

So, you're gonna tell us what's
the gimmick with the bag?

It's magic.

You put your hand in,
out comes a present.

I don't really understand
how it works, either.

So, you're Mr. Scrooge.

That's right.

But who are you?

Weihnachtsmann.

Julenissen.

Shèngdàn Laorén.

Babbo Natale, Père Noel,
Kris Kringle.

Jolly old Saint Nick.

People call me a lot of things.

Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.

Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho"?

If you're Santa,
where's your reindeer?

They were on the roof

until that guy I turned
into an ice kebab just...

You don't believe me?

Go check.

Prancer left
a tasty log up there.

This fucking guy.

You don't think...

Now, I know you're an idiot,
but don't be an idiot out loud.

Come on,
he's just in Santy Claus

with a fucking trick bag.

Oh, no!

That bag was full
of kids' dreams!

Oh, come on.

Everybody knows that
Christmas dreams are bullshit.

My father used to make
a big deal out of it

every Christmas.

Every freaking Christmas
with the presents

and the candy
and the decorations

and the Christmas caroling
and all that bullshit.

And then when I was...

I don't know, ten, 11,

he got laid off,
and that Christmas,

couldn't even afford a tree.

No Christmas dinner, no gifts.

Nothing, nada, culo, dick.

But our neighbors...

our neighbors,
oh, they had it all.

I could see
all that yuletide cheer

through their window mocking me.

So Christmas Eve
rolls around, and...

I waited for everybody
to go to bed.

And then I snuck in there
to take it all.

Only problem was that
the gramps got up to take a piss

and the two of us scared
the shit out of each other.

And, um, he fell down the stairs

and-and broke his neck,
and he died in the hospital.

Everybody thought that I did it,

and every time
I tried to tell them,

I tried to tell them that...

Anyway, maybe I did do it.

Maybe I did push him.

Poor old fucker.

So, you see,
Christmas ruined my life.

Okay? But you know what?

It set me on the path

and made me the great man
that I am today.

I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I really am.

But I do gifts.
I do Christmas cheer.

I don't get involved
in people's lives.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, well,
maybe you fucking should!

Um, how did he know your name?

Oh, Bjorn.

What's your excuse?

Huh?

Didn't I get you that Huffy bike
you wanted back in '82?

One you wrote me 50 times about!

What about you, Kira?

Well, you made your brother
eat worms.

That's naughty!

Okay, how does he know
about my bike?

It's a lucky guess, like:
"Hey, do you like big tits?"

Come on, every kid wants
a fucking bike.

-You're gonna tell me who you
work for... -Oh, Christ. No.

Then you've got five seconds
to tell me who you really are.

Five, four, three, two...

I'm Santa Claus!

Well, not anymore.

Is it snowing?

Is he doing this
with Santa magic?

Let it snow!

It's not snow.

It's Styrofoam.

I told you this guy's
a big phony.

Where'd he go?

He went up the chimney.

- I saw it.
- I don't know,

he had a rig
or some pulley system

- that just yanked him up.
- You can't fit up there.

- It's impossible.
- Oh, you see one weird thing,

and then you think
you're in a fairy tale?

Incoming.

We've got sleigh bells
approaching.

Oh, my God.

It's his reindeer.

It's the extraction team.

Pull yourselves together!

And that is the sound
of my Kill Squad.

Oh, you're fizzity-fucked now.

Huh? What are you gonna do?
You little elf bitch.

Fu...

Bertie.

Hashtag "blessed."

Yeah!

Parkour.

Kill him, babe!

Oh!

Morgan's gonna save us.

Jean-Claude Van Dipshit
just ditched us, sweetie.

Hold your fire.

Barrel roll!

Easy, easy.

- Yeah!
- Easy.

Identify yourself.

I'm one of the hostages.

Morgan Steel, the actor.

Played a lot of soldiers
in my career.

Can I just say, thank you
for your service. Semper fi.

What's the situation inside?

Bunch of ex-military guys,

but I got to warn you,
they know you're coming.

I think they're ready for you.

They better be.

We're on a tight schedule.

Shit.

Oh, f...

- All right, let's move out.
- Let's move out.

Come on.

You got to be kidding me.

Hey, Thorp,
you're ten minutes late.

What kept you?

Looks to me like your net's
got a hole in it.

Or are you just letting your
hostages out for some exercise?

No, no, no. We got
a wild gopher running around

complicating shit
and causing problems.

Who? Lightstone security?

Nah, I don't think so.
Some intruder dressed as Santa.

But I'm telling you,
I'm telling you,

there's something weird
about him.

Might be the real Santa.

- The fuck did she just say?
- Nothing, nothing.

She's joking.

My squad will take care of it.

Beta Team, go find this asshole.

Go.

Now, let's unwrap our present,
shall we?

All right, you heard the man.

Time to kill Santa.

I've got him. He's on the roof.

Roger that. I got eyes on him.

Right, Sugarplum.
Hit that button.

Here we go.

Our skeleton key.

The "open" magic stick.

This better fucking work.

I'm flushing my career for this,
my reputation.

Yeah, well, then you can
buy yourself a new rep.

As a kid, I loved

unwrapping Christmas presents
so much

that my mom would wrap
empty boxes for me.

I didn't care
that nothing was inside.

Is this a fucking joke?

No.

You said it would
fucking be here!

I'm telling you,
my intel was rock solid.

I had guys on the inside.

300 million in cash
was delivered here yesterday

to this fucking mansion.

Somebody must've intercepted it.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, shit.

Santa, you okay?

Santa.

A bunch of new bad guys
showed up.

They're on the naughty list.

They got their gadgets
and their gizmos on them.

I'm sorry.
I think this is it, kid.

No, no, don't say that.

The naughty list...

just grows and grows.

He's in that structure.
Body cams on.

Don't give up.

You make a wish this time,
Santa.

Just this once.

If you could have anything
in this world,

what would it be?

I wish I could see
Mrs. Claus again,

tell her how much I love her.

Then you make
that wish come true.

Oh, shit.

No, no, no, no. No, no.

Oh, God.

No.

You said these guys,
they're naughty.

And what do you do
to the naughty ones?

I give them a lump of coal.

Yeah. Give them their lumps.

Take that coal and shove it
straight up their...

- Anuses.
- Yeah!

They're right outside.

Santa's gonna eat
through these guys

like a plate full of cookies.

Move, move.

Hey, lock it up.

Lights down.

Stay at my back.

All right, we got this, boys.

All right, where the fuck
is my money?!

Where's the money?!

All right, I've been
a sweetheart up to now.

But that's all over.

No more fucking games!

Where's the money?

Or I will shoot every last
one of you and enjoy it.

- It's in the vault.
- I just looked in the vault.

Had the money been in there,

I'd have a different
expression on my face.

Impossible.

Takes days to get
into that thing.

Not if we have the key,
Mrs. Lightstone.

Thorp.

You can't trust anyone
these days.

I'm not sure how, but you

or one of your shithead kids
moved the money.

And this upsets me.

It upsets me

in a way that makes me want to
just randomly shoot at people.

Hold on. Just... Sorry.

- Um...
- What? What?

Uh, what if you randomly shoot

the only person
who knows where it is?

Oh, fuck you people!

♪ We waited
all through the year ♪

♪ For the day to appear ♪

♪ When we could be together ♪

♪ In harmony ♪

♪ You know the time will come ♪

♪ Peace on Earth for everyone ♪

Suck on this.

♪ And we can live forever ♪

♪ In a world where we are free ♪

♪ Let it shine for you and me ♪

♪ There's something
about Christmastime ♪

♪ Something about
Christmastime ♪

♪ That makes you wish it was
Christmas every day... ♪

I need some feedback, guys.

Guys, what the hell is going on?

♪ The way that
the old folks smile ♪

♪ Says that Christmas
will never go away ♪

♪ We're all as one tonight ♪

♪ Makes no difference
if you're Black or white ♪

♪ 'Cause we can sing together ♪

♪ In harmony ♪

♪ I know it's not too late ♪

♪ The world would be ♪

♪ A better place ♪

- What's that?
- Huh?

♪ If we can keep the spirit ♪

♪ More than one day
in the year ♪

♪ Send a message
loud and clear ♪

♪ There's something
about Christmastime ♪

♪ Something about
Christmastime ♪

♪ That makes you wish
it was Christmas every day ♪

♪ To see the joy
in the children's eyes ♪

♪ The way that
the old folks smile ♪

♪ Says that Christmas
will never go away ♪

♪ It's the time of year
when everyone's together... ♪

Jesus Christ.

Nope. Just jolly old Saint Nick.

♪ Here on Christmas Day ♪

♪ When the ones you love
are there ♪

♪ You can feel the magic
in the air... ♪

- Oh, God!
- There you go.

A little stocking stuffer.

Where is it?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

- I got to watch.
- Fuck!

Ho-Ho-Holy shit.

♪ Christmas will never
go away. ♪

Gertrude would never
trust anybody

who wasn't blood
with this kind of info.

So...

the in-laws wouldn't know shit,

which means
that I can shoot her...

unless you tell me
where the fucking money is.

Please don't, okay?
It's Christmas.

Shut up!

I swear,
I'll blow her brains out

unless you tell me
where the money went.

I did it!

- What?
- Okay. Yeah, I did it.

- I moved the money.
- No, d-don't-don't be an idiot.

- What?
- The money's our only leverage.

Well, my wife has a fucking
gun to her head, so...

Yeah, how did you find out
that we were coming, huh?

I didn't. I was stealing it.

- Yeah, coincidence.
- Oh, my God.

I was planning to take the money

and leave with my wife
and daughter tonight

and never come back here.

Oh, and then my mom would, uh,

read the note with her whiskey
in the morning

and know what I had done.

For years,
I have been telling you

to stop caring about
your mother's fucking money!

And you think the solution
was to steal a bunch of it.

Well, it...
yeah, it does sound stupid

when you say it like that.

How can you do this right now?

It's disgusting. After all
that Mother has given us?

Come on, Alva.
Everything she ever gave you,

she made damn sure we knew

she had the power
to take right back.

I have spent years
groveling to you.

In the meanwhile,
I was destroying

the only good thing in my life.

What are we doing here, huh?

Family therapy or doing a heist?

- Yeah, enough of this sharing
bullshit. -

All right. Where'd you put it?

Look at this little idiot.

Oh, no.

What?

- The bad guys found me.
- Okay.

I'm coming.

You know, booby traps don't work
unless you hide them.

You little moron.

Jesus! Shit!

Help me! Help me! Help!

You'll be f... You'll be fine.

Sit tight.
I'll be back in a sec.

Right after I kill
this little piece of shit!

You little fucking brat.

You're dead!

You're so fucking dead!

Fucking piece of shit.

You little...

Incoming!

Son of a fucking...

Fuck.

I got you now, kid.

Yeah? Heads up.

That's all you got?
You fucking...

Enough of this shit.

Santa!

Hi, Trudy. Hi.

I made booby traps like
in the movie. It was so funny.

Ho, ho, ho.

Trudy, I want you to, uh...
just do me a favor.

Just turn around
and close your eyes.

Maybe put your fingers
in your ears and, uh,

sing "Jingle Bells"
as loud as you can.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, how fun it is to ride... ♪

You were about to murder
an innocent child.

♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells... ♪

Innocent?

It's naughty.

Naughty.

Naughty!

It's part of
the Lightstone legacy.

We're horrible people.

So I get why you did
what you did.

When your grandfather told me
I'd never run the company

because a girl
doesn't have what it takes,

I had to snatch the reins
away from him.

But the point is,

a Lightstone takes
what's theirs.

I'm proud of you, son.

All right, where the hell is it?

The money's hidden inside.

And the Three Wise Men
presented him with gifts

of frankincense, myrrh...

and cold hard cash.

Load it up, boys.

All right,
we're securing the money.

Kill the hostages
and meet us outside.

What?

No.

Mom.

It's fine, Bert.

Everything's fine.

Okay.

Everybody, get up.

It's time for a murder.

Come on. Come on.
You don't want to kill us.

You really don't.

Oh, yes, I do.

I really, really, really do.

And I'm gonna start with you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

You got to kill
Aunt Linda first.

What the hell, Bert?

You want to squeeze in
being a little shit

before you die, Bertrude?

- I say shoot him first.
- What?

Wait. No, no, no.
Don't shoot him.

Don't shoot him first.
And don't you call him

a little shit,
you gold-digging bitch.

Okay. I changed my mind.

-Shoot the alcoholic bitch
first. -Don't call my mom

- an alcoholic bitch.
- Your mom's an alcoholic.

- I'm sorry.
- You're a gold-digging bitch.

Oh, I'm a gold-digger,
when I have a whole-ass career?

You're not even part
of the fucking family.

- She's an engineer.
- You know goddamn well...

Shut up!

Just like rats in a barrel.

Why don't you die
with some dignity?

Get off of me!

Okay, okay.

Fuck you!

This is for yelling at my child!

Creep!

That's for slapping me,
motherfucker!

This is for
your dumb fucking hat!

Is he...

Is he dead?

Yeah.

Thanks, Linda.

Well, it's nice to do something
as a family for a change.

Oh, shit!

I'm gonna...

That was for Morgan.

He may have been stupid,
but he was very, very hot.

Oh. Trudy!

Mommy!

Thank God, baby.

Are you okay?

I'm okay, Mommy.

Okay.

This is my friend, Santa.

What the fuck?

I can't thank you enough,
Mister...

Claus. But please call me Santa.

Mm-hmm.

You guys should get out of here.

It's dangerous.

They took my husband
and her grandmother.

Anybody know how to work
these gizmos?

I think so.

I used to hunt with my dad.

Ow.

Copy that. How's that looking?

- Yeah, I got it on lockdown.
- Heads on a swivel, boys.

- Incoming!
- Heads up!

Oh, oh! Who's shooting?

Who's...

- Cap, get down!
- Watch it! Watch it!

Gun 'em down. Mow them all down.

-All right, let's get the fuck
out of here. -Let's go.

- Go where?
- Come on, move, you old bat.

Get your fucking
hands off of me.

Oh! Oh, shit.

My balls! My fucking balls!

Ow, my balls! Why did you
shoot me in the ball...

Oh, Jesus.

Sorry.

Don't worry about us, Mr. Claus.
We got this.

Who is that guy?

He said he was Mr. Claus.

- Fuck. Trudy.
- No, no.

She's in the house. She's okay.

She's safe.

- Oh, thank God.
- Yeah.

No, no.

- Oh... go, go, go, go, go.
- No, no, no. Wait, wait.

Oh, shit!

Ho, ho!

Fuck!

Fucking die.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Yeah, over here. Over here.

Santa!

Come on!

Yeah.

Fuck.

You're real?

You're... him.

You're you.

That's what I've been trying
to tell you.

The real goddamn Santa Claus.

This is not your night, pal.

Oh, I don't know.
I think you're wrong.

I think my whole shitty life's
built up to this moment.

Because when I kill you,

this whole goddamn holiday
finally ends.

Whatever it takes...

Christmas dies tonight.

Whoa!

The last Christmas.

Not if you still believe.

No!

I have no idea what the fuck
is going on here.

But this ends now.

Damn right it does.

Trudy, be careful.

Santa!

Oh, no. Santa.

Oh, no.

You saved my daughter.

No.

She saved me.

Help him. Please help him.

Honey, I don't think
there's anything we can do.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's too late for that.

Too late.

I'm cold.

I haven't felt cold in years.

We need to keep him warm.

All of the fires are going out.

We need to find
something to burn.

I got an idea.

Whoa.

No.

No, no, no, no. No, Jason, no.

Please, Santa.

I don't want you to die.

Jason, let's slow this down.

What are you doing?

I've lived longer
than any man should ever live.

He's pretty much dead.
What the hell is happening?

- You don't need to burn money.
- Okay. More. Yeah.

You can't die, Santa.
You have to get up.

I think I used up
all my Christmas magic.

Sorry.

I'm s... I'm sorry I can't
give you what you asked for.

Take that. Take that.

But you did.

Santa, please don't die.

Wake up. Wake up.

We need to get him
close to the fire.

Jason.

Just wake up.

Please.

No.

Oh, I am so, so sorry.

This man...

This brave, brave man,
whoever he was...

He's Santa.

The real Santa. He is.

And I still believe in him.

I'll always believe in you,
Santa.

I believe in him, too.

He saved Trudy.

He saved our family.

What's realer than that?

Then maybe...

I believe in him, too.

So do I.

Oh, shit.

I guess...

I guess I do, too.

Fuck me.

I believe, too.

Oh, my God.

Santa!

You...

You were dead.

Christmas magic.

I still don't really
understand...

how it works.

Thank you.

I don't know
how we can ever repay you.

Well, you brought me back
from the dead,

so we'll call it even.

Even?

We just burned
half a million dollars.

- Look, Santa!
- Hmm?

Look who came.

Now you show up, huh?

You leave me here to die,

come back after
all the work's done, huh?

You know what? I should make
you guys into a stew

and feed you to the elves!

Yes, Blitzen!
Yes, I'm talking to you!

You, too, Prancer.

You got my sack.

My spare... You went home
and you got my spare sack?

Oh, God, I can't stay mad
at you guys.

I...

Aw. I can't. I can't.

Aw.

Aw.

Hello, beautiful.

Skullcrusher!

Guess this is goodbye.

I got to go.

Do you have to?

It's Christmas Eve,
and there's a lot of...

boys and girls on the nice list

that want their presents,
you know?

Thank you.

For what?

For believing in me.

For reminding me
that Christmas still matters.

And that I still...

matter.

You gave me
my "ho, ho, ho" back.

All right. Get out of here.

Merry Christmas!

Hyah!

Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer!

Now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid!

On, Donner and Blitzen!

Come on, you beautiful bastards!

We've got some work to do!

Hyah!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

♪ Are you hanging up
your stocking on your wall? ♪

♪ It's the time that
every Santa has a ball ♪

♪ Does he ride
a red-nosed reindeer? ♪

♪ Does a ton-up on his sleigh? ♪

♪ Do the fairies
keep him sober for a day? ♪

♪ So here it is ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Everybody's having fun ♪

♪ Look to the future now ♪

♪ It's only just begun ♪

♪ Are you waiting for
the family to arrive? ♪

♪ Are you sure you got ♪

♪ The room to spare inside? ♪

♪ Does your granny
always tell ya ♪

♪ That the old songs
are the best? ♪

♪ Then she's up
and rock-and-rolling ♪

♪ With the rest ♪

Hey, yo!
What's Gucci, squad fam?

It's the Bert Locker,
living the dream.

You know what? See this guy?
Dead as hell.

Santa's real, all right?

Don't end up
on the naughty list.

Do better.

Bert Lightstone out.

♪ So here it is ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Everybody's having fun ♪

♪ Look to the future now ♪

♪ It's only just begun ♪

♪ So here it is ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Everybody's having fun ♪

- ♪ It's Christmas! ♪
- ♪ Look to the future now ♪

♪ It's only just begun. ♪

♪ Ding dong merrily on high ♪

♪ Let's be good ♪

- ♪ This coming yuletide ♪
- ♪ Ding dong verily the sky ♪

♪ Or you'll see ♪

♪ Kris Kringle's cruel side ♪

♪ Santa's getting mad,
better not be bad ♪

♪ Gonna go to bed on time
this Christmas ♪

♪ We don't want to be
on that list ♪

- ♪ Santa Claus is gonna get ♪
- ♪ Unhappy! ♪

♪ He's told you once,
he's told you twice ♪

♪ Too much naughty,
not enough nice ♪

♪ Santa Claus has had enough
of Christmas ♪

♪ Where's the love
and where's the joy? ♪

♪ Always cash and never a toy ♪

♪ Santa Claus has had enough
of Christmas ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Santa's getting mad ♪

- ♪ Don't you make Santa crazy ♪
- ♪ Better not be bad ♪

-♪ Gonna go to bed on time
this Christmas ♪ -♪ Baby ♪

♪ We don't want to be
on that list ♪

- ♪ Santa Claus is gonna get ♪
- ♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ If you don't want ♪

♪ Coal this Christmas ♪

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Make sure you keep
Santa jolly ♪

♪ Don't make his reindeer ♪

♪ Cause you some pain, dear ♪

♪ Santa's getting mad,
better not be bad ♪

♪ Gonna go to bed on time
this Christmas ♪

♪ We don't want to be
on that list ♪

- ♪ Santa Claus is gonna get ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Don't make him crazy ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Ooh-fa-la-la ♪

♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ On the first day
of Christmas ♪

♪ My true love gave to me ♪

♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪

♪ On the Feast of Stephen ♪

♪ Jingle bells. ♪

♪ Ding dong merrily on high ♪

♪ In heaven,
the bells are ringing ♪

♪ Glo-o-o-oria ♪

♪ Hosanna ♪

♪ In excelsis. ♪