Video Violence 2 (1988) Movie Script

[logo]

[music plays]

[screaming]

[death sputter]

[heart beating]

Christ this shit is dusgusting!

Cut! For Christsake, turn on

the friggin' lights

Darling.

of course it is disgusting,

disgusting is

what we do! Disgusting is what

we sell

disgusting is what pays your

salary! Disgusting is what

we want!

uh Mr. Evian why don't we just

take a...

Evan, evan!

Maybe we should just take a

break

Maybe, she needs some

motivation, yes I think so

fuck you Eli

Evan! Evan! Everyone Evan!

what fucking motivation? You

ask me to eat

kill him with a stake and eat

his heart out!

hey hey, Evan why don't we show

her what it's really like

[laughs]

[struggle]

we'll show you

help! no!

Evan! Evan!

You know it looks nothing like

the real thing

this won't hurt at all, honest!

Jamey, the mallet please.

yes sir.

yes thank you so much!

hmmm

Oh oh oh! Could you hold this?

but of course

you must remain still, it

really won't hurt I promise you

Now this is the movies,

remember this is the movies,

here we go

ready? two, three

[screams]

[laughter]

Oh a little tap'll do ya

[chuckles]

that was good

Okay boys, now let me show you

the real thing!

Oh boy!

Evan, have a heart!

Evan! Evan!

for christsake, Evan!

Evan, Evan, yeah!

yeah boy

[sniffs]

and still, there is no relief

in sight from the

ninety degree heat wave and the

unrelenting humidity

it is doubtful that we will see

a break much before next week

on the local front this cable

network

as well as others across the

country have been deluged

with letters the past few weeks

both in anger and in praise

regarding the pirate broadcasts

of something called

the Howard and Eli show, for

those of you

unaware of this phenomenon, it

appears that some electronics

wiz has found a way to scramble

the satelite signals of

this and other cable stations

across the country and the

world for all we know, in order

to substitute their own

programming, and what a program

it is

Howard and Eli, two very

strange individuals

purport to be talk show hosts

and they

preview and review what are

apparently homemade

snuff videos. No one thus far

can

figure out where the show

emanates from or whether or not

the video

shown are real or just the work

of some very good special

effects experts, but regardless

the show is quite

controversial, and also quite a

hit.

Local authorities are working

diligently to find the base of

operations

and the FBI is investigating

the reality

of the aleged "splatter videos"

the FCC

wants it known that it does not

take lightly to this sort of

flagrant disregard of cable

regulations

meanwhile, it appears that

there are as many viewers who

are in love with the show

as those who are horrified by

it.

and this announcer finds it

particularly frightening that

many

viewers write to ask where they

can send in their own, home

grown

video violence, the managers of

this cable station

want to make it very clear that

the Howard and Eli Show

is the work of outlaws and has

nothing to do whatsoever

what? Really?

well ladies and gentleman, it

appears that the boys

are at it again, it seems we

are losing some of our

signal strength, apparently

they are breaking in as

I speak, so I guess if you have

a

strong stomach and you're

curious, stay tuned

to this channel for what

apparently will be a broadcast

of the

Howard and Eli Show, if however

you faint at the

sight of blood I suggest you

change the channel now

this is channel 35 cable news

network

signing off for tonight.

[music plays]

warm up your chainsaws and

sharpen

your knives, it's time for those

gurus of gore! Yes...

it's the Howard and Eli Show!

[audience shouting]

Tonight's homemade splatter

videos include

another visit to the zany video

studios, a home made

electric chair, and the

succulent segment

on violent young college women.

Plus a special treat when we

bring on a live

guest actress! So let's go to

our very own

madcap murderers, Howard and

Eli!

[applause]

[music]

Good evening ladies and

gentlemen, welcome to

WGOR, and the Howard and Eli

Show. And now tonight's

hosts, Eli!

thank's Howard! How's everybody

doing

tonight? Great, great. You know

a funny thing happened

to me last week. I was out

hunting with my buddy Lester,

when out from behind

a tree jumps this beautiful

babe, buck-ass naked

I went up to her and I says

"are you game?" She goes

"Sure" so Lester shot her!

[laughter and applause]

Now for you Howard, what's red

and green and goes

120 miles per hour?

What's red and green and goes

120 miles an hour?

I don't know

A frog in a blender!

[laughter and applause]

One more, one more. What's

black and white and red all over

and can't get through a

revolving door?

what's black and white and

can't get through a revolver

door?

Do you know that one Gordo?

I, I don't know.

No what is it?

A nun with a spear through her head!

[laughter]

I see Gordon liked that one,

you know Gordon our musical

maniac

[applause]

you sound hot tonight Gord!

[laughter]

you know a lot of people don't

know this about Gordon, but he

was once heavily involved in

politics, he had to give it up

because the opposition found

too many

skeletons in his closet, real ones!

[laughter]

one of them was his old

girlfriend

one day she goes "Oh Gordon,

you kill me"

so he did!

[laughter]

I tell you though, it was

probably the best thing he ever

did

remember her she was such a

nag, I remember I was over for

dinner one time

and she starts up "Gordon,

Gordon I hate my brother's

guts." Remember what you said

to her? "Shut up and

eat what I put in front of you."

[laughter]

and another time I was over and

she started again

"Gordon, Gordon, I'm tired of

running around in circles" and

Gordon

goes "ah shut up before I nail

your other foot to the floor!"

[laughter and applause]

some women, you just can't

satisfy them. Die hard batteries

or not, I tell you. But hey

seriously we got a great show

for you

tonight, so stay tuned. We'll

be right back

Do it Gord!

[music plays]

[christmas music]

"For Joey, love Mom."

Looking for that special gift

for that hard to

please child?

a Wilber! You got me a Wilber!

[growls]

This Christmas, there's Wilber

[growls]

He's so soft! So cuddly!

and so deadly

[growls]

Let WIlber do the dirty work

for you

[blood pours, chewing sounds]

don't forget! Wilber is

completely

machine washable

this Christmas, bring home a

Wilber. Available at pet shops

everywhere

[music plays]

Isn't that Wilber adorable?

he sure is Eli!

what do you think Gordon?

reminds me of a cousin I once

had in Philadelphia

I never knew you had a cousin?

I had one.

oh, well let's bring out our

guest. She answered an ad we

put in the trades about the

casting of a splatter film

it didn't happen to mention

nudity did it Eli?

it certainly did Howard! We're

gonna bring her on and tell her

that

this is an audition for a low

budget horror film and that we

are

going to videotape it as her

screen test. Howard would you

bring on

Ms. what's her name?

Landow!

Certainly Eli!

[applause and music]

Hi! I'm Eli, I'm the director

of this movie

this is my best boy Howard

and you are?

I'm Debbie Landow. I brough you

a photo and resume

great

thank you

these are some very impressive

credentials here Eli

Yes indeed! I can definitely

see you playing the

lead in Pacific Overtures, and

it Sioux City

as well. The big time.

big

tell us something about playing

uh, Ophelia

that was in Hamlet, by William

Shakespeare

oh you did that version

well tell me do you have any

film and movie credits?

Uh, oh sure plenty! I did an

industrial for Counter Banks

where I played the head teller,

and I was in the Low budget

Sci-fi

called "The Extraterrestrial

Hooker"

I saw that

yeah that's very impressive,

have you ever done any Beckett

or Tourindo?

I did a condom commerical once,

would that have been a Beckett?

sounds absurd, could have been.

Tell us

something about yourself Debbie

Oh well I was born in Omaha

Nebraska but I moved

right away to New Jersey, where

I was raised by my Aunt Ethel

I took tap and ballet as a

little girl and now I think

I'm ready to break into

Hollywood, my favorite color is

blue, I like to read and ride

my bike and

my turnoffs are hairy women and

finding dead mice

in the bottom of soda bottles

oh yeah I hate that too, yeah

You can't get the things out,

they stay and bounce around

Well Debbie, it's time to see

if you can act. I'm gonna have

you read a scene with Howard

here, we're gonna videotape it

and send it to my producers,

and if they

like it, you've got the job.

How does that sound?

great!

Great, here's the script.

take a minute to look it over

[music plays]

ok?

ok.

great! great! You ready now?

sure, um, I guess so.

I'm not so good at cold readings

that's ok, we want this to look

spontaneous anyway

Let me set the scene, the place

is the tan-fastic tanning salon

you are a beautiful young model

relaxing under the heat of the

ultra violet lights

why don't you take your top off

and uh

that skirt, shoes, uh whatever

else you

got on, you know, get

comfortable

Ok.

[laughs]

[music plays]

Here's some oil, to help you

get in the mood

okay.

rub a little on

okay.

Hey I'm gonna have one of my

men come out and bring on of

the lights on to

to set a little more of the

ambience

I think you need a little more

oil

oh ok, um, I'm gonna get it all

over me

well why don't you just take it

off then

get it out of the way

oh okay, sure

[laughs]

uh, have you any sunglasses you

can

put on as well?

oh yeah I've got some in my bag

oh great. Howard is gonna

portray the verile

young towel boy, who you

secretly have a crush on

but in reality he's a

psychotic, erotic

serial killer, okay? The action

starts, you're all alone or so

you think

and then Howard will burst in.

Cameras

rolling? And action!

Boo!

[screams]

you scared me, covering her

breasts!

cut cut! Debbie

baby, sweetheart, "covering her

breasts"

is a stage direction, you don't

say it

that's what those funny bracket

things are for

oh oh okay

Howard bursts in you say "You

scared me!"

and then you cover your breasts

with your hands

ok yeah I got it

Can I try it again?

oh of course.

okay

Cameras! Rolling! and

action!

boo!

[screams]

you scared me!

you're not supposed to, you're

not supposed to be

in here! What do you want?

well babe, since it's after

hours and

no one's around, I thought you

and me might have

a little party. You know, do a

jay, do a little

vino, get down?

well I don't know. We hardly

know each other

besides I have to do my

otherside yet

well that's a good place to

begin, why not let me

oil up your back

Ok, but not too much

Hey, hey what the hell do you

think you're doing?

great! Adlibbing! You're really

into the character, go with it!

shit this hurts! This isn't

part of the script! Stop it!

Come on, get that in her mouth

[laughs]

congratulations Debbie, you

passed the audition

you got the part! You're in a

real live splatter film!

We're not quite sure what we

are going to do to you yet, but

whatver it is

will be very entertaining, well

now

it's time for our second

homemade video, it's from

somebody

I'm sure you'll recognize so

stay tuned!

so you wanna be a star babe?

[laughter]

[applause]

[music plays]

WGOR

Hi! I'm a retired police officer

in my spare time I like to

dabble in electrical devices

I'm pretty good with things

like VCRs

the one thing I wanted to see

when I was a cop was a good old

electrocution, I wanted to see

somebody fry

but they abolished capital

punishment here in

oh is it ok to say where we are?

well they abolished the death

penalty here so

what I did was to make me my

own electric chair

now I won't bore you with all

those technical aspects, but

suffice it

to say I got a 220 line running into this suckerp[laughter]

well that'll fry a fricken

elephant if I can get that son

of a bitch

into this chair here, well

why don't I introduce you all

to my wife, Millie!

hi! I'm Millie, I helped to

build this beauty

and I helped to capture this

criminal who's gonna fry

in a few minutes, so, what I

did was to get

all dressed up with my best

jewels dripping from me

and walked down the worst

street in the city

and within minutes what do you

know? Up comes junior here

with a knife, and well I just

maced his ass

and we drugged him up and we

brough him home. Instant

justice!

now if this damn contraption

will work good at all

we'll have a pretty good video

for the show, are you

ready honey?

yeah just about, just give me a

minute to get this nice and

tight

yeah, well

I guess that just about does it

ok sonny!

the verdicts in, the jury finds

you guilty!

as charged, and I sentence you

to die!

in this homemade hotseat

[laughter]

well honey, how many volts do

you think we oughta give him!?

how the hell do I know? Try

some low volts and keep goosing

it until it bursts

that sounds like a good idea to

me, well here

goes!

[Laughter]

[electric sounds and laughter]

It ain't doing it, it ain't

doing it

we gotta do something, needs

more juice or something

it ain't working!

come on, come on

oh! Now goose it up honey!

goose it up! Goose it up now!

look at that son of a bitch

jump!

more more!

alright put it up to full!

wow! wooo!

that's gonna do it!

[laughter]

well! Howard and Eli how'd you

like

that one!

[music plays]

Well that certainly was quite

impressive

the act incredible and while

the execution

was a bit sloppy, it does

warrant repeated viewing

I concur Howard, I particularly

like the wife

oh yeah

she exhibited a certain Je ne

sais pas which

I found very refreshing, I

really like to see more

of her in the future, speaking

of which, I'd like to point out

to

our audience that we gave

Debbie here a little something

to put on

because we know there are

children watching

so Debbie tell us, what did you

think of the video?

[muffled screams]

not talking eh?

well why don't you just life

your fingers to designate how

many stars

four fingers being the best

It seems she has no opinion,

perhaps

we can persuade her Eli

if we have to

how about the old puppet on a

vein schtick

right you are Eli, we have those

surgical scissors?

certainly!

the first cut is yours

ah thank you sir, you're a true

gentleman

[laughter]

Hey Howard

What? Oh right!

you got it now?

wait a minute, uh yeah

ok now I just put the scissor

in right there

it goes, ah

[screaming]

Ah there we go

[laughter and screaming]

Now let's see, we got a clean

cut here

Ow there we go

[laughter and screaming]

oh god

[laughter]

let's see, let's see how many

fingers she gives it now Eli!

[laughter and screaming]

I disagree

well then here!

while Howard tends to our guest

let me introduce our next video

it was sent to us by a bunch of

college age girls

and its entitled "Pizza Man"

you'll soon see why

read to roll! Action.

[music plays]

WGOR

[laughter]

I think we should take care of

this bitch here

[groans]

[laughter]

I don't think she's going

anywhere now

[groans]

Howard and Eli, they are

fantastic

I love these guys

[Laughter]

[disgust and laughter]

she loves it

Oh my god

[laughter]

let's cut this one up in pieces

that poor girl

[screaming]

she loves it

this is my favorite

here

[laughter]

you need more of that

I swallowed my gum

boy that was a great scene

shhh, I wanna hear what Howard

and Eli have to say

Stupendous! One of the most ten

best! Man the

fear on her face when she

realized that that guy was

gonna bash her

in the skull with that statue

of Gandhi

man that was worth a million

bucks!

I myself was partial to the

partial nudity

of course

she had a great set of

[laughter]

do you believe these guys?

you're one of those ladies men

Eli

thanks Howard

[laughter]

boy those guys are really funny

this the best thing that

appeared on cable since Fraggle

Rock

the videos are great

those two idiots are hysterical

come on, I disagree. Those guys

are chauvinists and what

really bothers me is that it's

always some guy hunting down and

splattering some totally

helpless half undressed female

I'd like

to see it change for once

oh yeah, well put your money

where your mouth is

I bet you wouldn't have the

guts to kill someone

that girl had the guts and

they're all over the floor

I'm serious, I'll bet Bonnie

she wouldn't have the guts

to pull off a senseless gorey

murder, well Bonnie?

alright, I'm game. What

do you have in mind?

shut up, I'm hungry wanna order

a pizza?

there you have it, let's order

a pizza and

when the kid gets here, we'll

videotape ourselves a little

splatter film, only this time

we'll rip the shit out of some

innocent and unsuspecting pizza

boy

you're serious aren't you?

sure I'm serious

we can probably even show the

damn thing on the

Howard and Eli Show, I'm

getting all hot and bothered

just thinking about it!

well I guess we could do as

good a job as these guy, and

it'd be a lot more

scary and exciting, I'm game

well Bonnie old chum, my bet

still stands, you in or out?

well what would we do with the

body?

depends on how we kill him, if

we chop him up we could take

the pieces and wrap them up

in freezer wrap and bring them

to the conservation center of

recycling

that sounds like Lerner and Lowe

I think thats Leopold and Loeb

dickhead

you're right

so how are we gonna kill him?

let's cut his pecker off

you really are one sick puppy

aren't you?

ok, what do you suggest?

Certainly we have to rape him.

depends on what he looks like

chauvinist

well let's start out by calling

him and get the son of a bitch

in here

I'll call a place in the next

town just to play it safe

do you really want to go

through with this?

you bet your ass, this could be

the most fun we've had in years

and it'll probably top the crap

they've been showing on the

Howard and Eli Show

did you see the one where they

coated the girl with dog food

and threw her into the pound

with all those strays, the

cameraman couldn't even keep

the camera steady

and there were no closeups, it

stunk

they promised they'd be here

withing 15 minutes or we'd get

3 dollars off the price

what kind of pies did you get,

I'm starving

I got two large, one with

mushrooms and peppers and one

with anchovies and meatballs

you guys are retarded, how

could you think of food at a

time like this?

oh I'm so hungry that if the

pizza boy looks half as good as

the pie

I'll eat him

you're disgusting

you know it, ok now when he

gets here

let me lead the action, but I

need the total participation of

both of you

are you in or out?

you bet

okay

YES!

[door bell rings]

oh my god!

okay calm down, straighten up

this is it

I'll get the door

well hi, is this number 8 Elm

street?

yeah, and we're your nightmare,

come on in

why don't put them down over

there

so how much do we owe you for

those?

well, well that's um, two

two large pies with two extras

comes to

$13.89

okey doke, while we were

waiting for you we were

wondering

if we could work the pies off

in some other way

holy shit

we were just watching some

porno flicks and we're kind

horny

well I've, I've gotta get my

next order delivered or else

they 3 bucks out of my pay

well I think we can make it

worth your while

and if you don't agree we'll

pay for our pies plus all the

other

ones you have in your car

holy shit

I think I'll go put on some

music

pizza boy, let's see what you're made ofp[music playing]

how about putting on a little

show for us

you're fucking kidding me

right, it's like a joke?

not at all

you have no idea how going to

the male strip joints makes

women go crazy, by the time

you're done

we'll be in a frenzy

[music plays]

[laughter]

go ahead

right, drink

more, drink more

[laughter]

right, that's it, right

come on, let's get up and

dance. Go for it honey, do it

yeah that's better, I wanna see

it all now.

right now, mmhmmm

[music plays]

[music plays, moaning and

giggling]

that's it, that's a great one

alright more

I got one special for you

[cheering]

[music plays, moaning and

giggling]

I'm gonna get closer to there,

yeah that's it more

oh butt shot great

good yeah!

[music plays, moaning and

giggling]

come on, ok now

oh there you go

yeah that's it now we're going

let's see it now

how's that? alright

oh more, more

oh my shoes, hold on

we'll help you out

[giggling]

we'll get it don't worry,

there's one

that's what I'm talking about,

here we go, left leg

[giggles]

There you go.

one leg lets go

[cheers]

[cheering]

[music plays, moaning and

giggling]

whoa nelly!

distract him

[music plays, moaning and

giggling]

wow, what's that what you got

there?

[music plays, moaning and

giggling]

oh yeah get in there

alright come on Belinda let's

do it

get him down now, right now

yeah! Belinda!

[cheering]

wooo yeah

oh yeah come

get him down, oh yeah don't let

him go

here we go, easy now

[music plays]

well, I gotta hand it to you

you didn't cop out

I won the bet

yep, you do

hey know something?

I kinda liked it

say I wonder if that Chinese

place in town delivers

[laughter]

[music plays]

wonderful job Gordo

now that's what I call state of

the art wonderful from

beginning to end

I absolutely agree Eli, the

three ladies were

luscious and the pizza boy had

a real nice fresh sense about

him

shall we vote?

I think we shall

[screams and laughter]

come on baby, slice on off of

there

I give it one thumb up

me too Eli!

[laughter]

while we administer to our guest

let's take a look at this

promotional video

[music plays]

finally the one you've been

waiting for can be yours

yes it's Video Violence 2

more of the best in homegrown

splatter

if you order right now you'll

get such favorites as

electrocuting Rita, Nail the

Mailman

the paper punching of Polly,

Chainsaw Accountants

redrum, she wrote

roasting Rosie, two ghouls for

sister tara

Deli Madness, Tillie's

punctured bladder

Frenchtown Follies, Severing

Sally

and a favorite of your

announcer, The Killing of Mr.

and Mrs. Emory

you'll also get The Vampire

Takes a Bride, Return of the

Machine Shope

I Ate Your Guts, Amateur MDs

The Close Shave, Ice Pick,

Anyone? Eat My Heart Out

Splatter or Suffocate, Pele

Get's a Pouding, Stapling

Stanley

and the adorable Carl the

Cuddly Cannibal, also included

Does You Fish Bite? Keep Your

Eye Out? Murray Eats His Magnum.

Vivissecting Victor, Castrating

Katz, So You Wanna be a Star?

Captives, The Cereal Killer, An

Arm and a Leg, Those Loveable

Cut Ups.

and what collection would

possibly be complete without

some of those fantastic

Howare and Eli Bloopers, yes if

you order right now

the best in home grown splatter

can be yours, yes

it's Video Violence 2

Available in VHS, S-VHS, BETA,

Cassette, CD, 8-track,

Laserdisc, U-Matic. Order yours

today

[music plays]

Bet you'd love to get your

hands on that casette huh?

unfortunately we haven't yet

figured out a way to let you

know where to send for it

without tipping our hands to

the authorties so for the time

being

you'll just have to be content

with looking at previews of

coming attractions

and now it's time for another

video, this one was submitted

to us by Joanna Barker

what you're about to see is

what happened when a non-club

member

from out of town came in to

rent a video

[laughter]

[whistling]

hey, hey

hi

how are you doing?

fine, I'd like to rent these

three movies please

ok, are you a club member?

no I'm not, I'm from out of town

oh

where are you staying?

Sweeney college, I just got

accepted

congratulations

tonight's orientation night so

they sent me down to pick up

some tapes

ok well, I'll just need to see

a driver's license

oh sure

and a major credit card

it's daddy's

great

[laughter]

I hope this doesn't cost me an

arm and a leg

[laughter]

Oh no

we have quite enough arms and

legs this week

now I'll just need to make a

face print

a face print, what the hell is

that?

well it's just a way for us to

keep track of our non-club

members

alright sure

ok

now why don't you just go over

there and have a seat, and

we'll be with you in just a

minute

why not, boy you sure go to a

lot of trouble for three lousy

tapes

well you can never be too

careful

would you hold this?

thank you

what's this for?

oh just to make sure that you

don't move during the process

it's

totally painless, don't worry.

Nothing to be upset

about, it's very simple, it's a

brand new process that

they're using

oh I get it, Tracy and Michelle

put you up to this right?

well you could say that

an initiation prank right?

yes, I guess so

ok now you have to hold very

very still

ready? Don't worry it's totally

painless

you won't feel a thing

[screams]

[laughter and screaming]

hold her still!

[laughter and screaming]

[applause]

when will it be available to

rent?

oh for christsake, all you

people ever want are the new

releases

geez

Well that was fun fun fun, and

what a creative use of

a shrink wrap machine

hey I'd give it a thumbs up but

we don't have any left!

How about we go for the toes!

Nah! I wonder what Deb here

thought about the video?

Getting an answer out

of her is like pulling teeth

Howard

NAH

well maybe she's sitting too

far back from the monitor and

she can't see em

maybe she needs glasses

I can fix that! We'll move her

eyes closer!

[laughter]

[wimpering]

[laughter and wimpering]

[screaming and laughter]

There it is!

Here Mel

put this next to the monitor,

you know

if we wrap her up anymore,

we'll be able to do a mummy

movie!

boy we're having some fun

tonight

and now for a special treat,

Howard

right you are Eli, we've got a

special how-to video tonight all

about how to operate the new

household kitchen appliances

the

drac-o-matic blood dispenser

and the splicer and dicer

we ready to roll em?

let's roll em!

[applause]

[music plays]

good evening ladies and

gentleman and welcome to my

show!

tonight Gladys, Otto, and I

are going to demostrate two new

household products we feel you

can't

live without, Gladys is new in

town and answered my help

wanted sign just this morning,

and she doesn't know just how

big

a help she's going to be, hehehe

but first, a small commercial

for my homemade lemonade

here Gladys, have a sip and

tell our viewing audience just

what you think

boy Mr. Dick this is delicious,

what's that unique taste?

sorry Gladys, that's my secret!

That's what keeps people

coming in here to sample my

speciality. And now

onto our program, folks it is

my pleasure to introduce to you

a new time saving

user friendly and FUN to

operate gadget that

no one should be without

you see, to fully appreciate

the slice and dicer

you need a live body,

preferably female

and one that will co-operate

and now the slice and dicer, it

slices and dices

it shatters and splatters, and

it's so simple to operate

all you do is put the item to

be chopped

in the moldable slot

line it up just right and push

down

hard and quickly!

well Otto it needs a few

refinements

however uh, each finger did

slice

is uniformly sliced

and the palm is still in tact

[humming]

and perfect for the famous

finger sandwich

[laughter]

and when it is perfected

the slice and dicer will cut

through nails

make mince meat of bones and

still stay sharp cut after cut

after cut, our next item is for

the vampire

in all of you, the drac-o-matic

you need to have your subject

in an upright position

which means tie her to a chair

or suspend

her arms from the ceiling or

have your assitant help you

Now the blood dispense will

work in almost any part of the

body but if you

hit a major artery you run the

risk of too strong a flow so I

try a flesh part, like the tush

or the

chest!

[laughs]

Deli Dicks homemade all nature

lemonade, no preservatives!

will render your victim

semi-conscious, euphoric

and very co-operative, and now

the

drac-o-matic, find your mark in

one of the Poconos

uh polka dots.

notice how, notice

how easily it slides into the

muscles

now once everything is set, get

yourself a class

adjust the flow

turn her on and fill her up!

[humming]

mmm!

Betty!

well that's all for tonight's

show, if someone new applies

for the job I'll be back

next week with some more

culinary delights, in the

meantime

don't let your meat loaf

for the slicer and dicer and

drac-o-matic send $19.95 to

PO Box 69 Radio Center Grand

Station Central Rapids

immediately or charge to your

major credit card

[music plays]

WGOR

well that's all we have time

for tonight

hopefully we'll be back next

week with another edition of

the Howard and Eli Show

so from all of us to all of

you, keep cutting em up!

Bye bye!

[laughter and music]

ok and that's a wrap, alright

you guys wanna start breaking

down equipment it looked good

yeah good, real good

yeah!

[applause]

hot stuff! Here Gordo have a

beer!

alright! wow!

somebody shut these fucking

chasers off

yeah you got it

[whimpering]

good show Howard

[laughter]

Beauty!

beauty super, Gordo, what can I

say big guy

unbelievable

incredible

good, real good

come one sweet knees, you can

get up now clean it up

but I can't get up, can you

please untie me from this chair

I don't really have hands

can't believe how disgusting

the last 8 hours have been,

I've never been

so disgusted in my whole life

sitting here with all this

blood on me this rubber this

shit

it's stupid ridiculous things,

I can't believe it. And to make

it even more humiliating

I can't believe I had to say

that ridiculous script, did you

write that Eli because I am

sorry

but that sucked, that was the

most humiliating thing in my

entire life

and if you touch me one more

time you

are lucky my hands were tied

because I was going to smack

your face off

so disgusting, can I have a

robe please? Do I have to stand

nude in front of you all day?

get this off of me, would you

help me here, this is so gross

look at

this this is disgusting, it is

in my hair and all over me if

this stains

you are in big shit, I am not

gonna walk around with red

hands for the rest of my life

I'm sorry

god this is so gross, could I

have something please?

I'm not gonna stand here all day

can you help her here Eli?

yeah I think I will, uh guys

can I have something please

you know what?

what?

you talk too much

[snap]

Can we have something to cover

her up? Got it Howard?

Good, real good

Man

a mouth on that one

you stud, get me a beer there

you got a beer down there? Eli!

Solid!

yeah!

[laughter]

[knocking on the door]

Who the hell's that?

batteries, we can take it with

us

some background music

Hey, it's a tape, and a note

says "Dear Howard and Eli,

please watch this for a big

surprise"

throw it in!

alright

seems a little familar, sort of

deja vouis

somebody around here's got a

sense of humor

that's true

well alright let's roll that

sucker

put that baby in

oh that's sweet

Hello Howard, Hello Eli. I

wonder if you

can guess who this is

let me give you a hint, my wife

and I used to live in New York

my husband used to run a movie

theater.

I used to work for a big legal

firm

we moved into your town a

little over a year ago, and

became

very close friends.

got any ideas yet or do you

need some more clues?

well how about, a 1978 green

dodson B210, do you remember

what it looked

like from the back of a stolen

back renegade?

they gotta be fucking kidding us

remember a kid by the name of

Rick Carlson? Boy

it must have been some job to

try and carry his body out

through the door in the back of

my Video Studio

Jesus Christ, we cut them up

into 6900 pieces

what kind of shit is this?

[laughter]

I bet you two guys think you

cut us up into

a thousand little tiny pieces,

well look again

holy shit!

yes fellows, it took quite a

lot of work to patch us back

together again

but between the finest surgeons

and plastic surgeons

we're here to tell the tale

and what a tale it is

don't forget, we know everything

we can name names, we know

about Reggie Hawd.

and we know about the Sheriff

that was pretty funny, him

pretending not to know

how to run a VCR, he had me

fooled

and when I think of what I

really ate when I ordered

that bologna at the deli, I

wanna die

Now the question is, what do we

do about it all?

my instinct is to turn you all

over to the authorities

I mean afterall we know where

you all live

we know where your studio is,

we know who

mudered who and where all the

bodies are buried

and if you think that you can

destroy all of the evidence I

just want you

to consider the possibility

that we've already talked and

the FBI

is on it's way over to you

right now

but I think I've talked my wife

out of that plan

I mean afterall to me it's an

eye for an eye and considering

what you did to mine, I think

we'll go with plan B

in Plan B, we burst into your

television studio and do

exactly what you did to us

[panicked yells]

Alright sleaze bags!

you fat tub of shit, freeze

right where you are!

SHIT! I don't fucking believe

this!

please don't kill me! I didn't

mean it!

lights!

camera!

action!

[chainsaw and screaming]

ok Eli, this one's for you

[BANG]

[offkey piano]

Rosebud.

[chainsaw revving]

[chainsaw and pleading]

[chainsaw stops]

you son-of-a-bitch!

you son of a bitch! oh you!

you son of a bitch!

[laughter]

we fooled you!

man we got you back!

I bet you thought it was them

you guys

[laughter]

you got us

alright did you get it all on

tape?

right, ha!

I haven't had so much fun since

we killed the real Emery family

[laughter]

yeah, yeah Joann but I hope

this shit will come off my

face, you know?

it'll come out sooner than the

shit in my pants!

[laughter]

alright alright now listen,

quiet

shhhh. Are you ready?

alright, just finished talking

to my agent at the morris office

13 weeks as a sitcom

[cheer]

a mini serious

and Howard and Eli

the Movie!

[cheering]

[music starts, end credits]

[music fades out]

Video Violence 2 (1988) - full transcript

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