Video Violence 2 (1988) - full transcript

[logo]

[music plays]

[screaming]

[death sputter]

[heart beating]

Christ this shit is dusgusting!

Cut! For Christsake, turn on
the friggin' lights

Darling.

of course it is disgusting,
disgusting is

what we do! Disgusting is what
we sell

disgusting is what pays your
salary! Disgusting is what



we want!

uh Mr. Evian why don't we just
take a...

Evan, evan!

Maybe we should just take a
break

Maybe, she needs some

motivation, yes I think so

fuck you Eli

Evan! Evan! Everyone Evan!

what fucking motivation? You
ask me to eat

kill him with a stake and eat
his heart out!

hey hey, Evan why don't we show
her what it's really like

[laughs]

[struggle]

we'll show you



help! no!

Evan! Evan!

You know it looks nothing like
the real thing

this won't hurt at all, honest!

Jamey, the mallet please.

yes sir.

yes thank you so much!

hmmm

Oh oh oh! Could you hold this?

but of course

you must remain still, it
really won't hurt I promise you

Now this is the movies,
remember this is the movies,
here we go

ready? two, three
[screams]

[laughter]
Oh a little tap'll do ya

[chuckles]
that was good

Okay boys, now let me show you

the real thing!

Oh boy!

Evan, have a heart!

Evan! Evan!

for christsake, Evan!

Evan, Evan, yeah!

yeah boy
[sniffs]

and still, there is no relief
in sight from the

ninety degree heat wave and the
unrelenting humidity

it is doubtful that we will see
a break much before next week

on the local front this cable
network

as well as others across the
country have been deluged

with letters the past few weeks
both in anger and in praise

regarding the pirate broadcasts
of something called

the Howard and Eli show, for
those of you

unaware of this phenomenon, it
appears that some electronics

wiz has found a way to scramble
the satelite signals of

this and other cable stations
across the country and the

world for all we know, in order
to substitute their own

programming, and what a program
it is

Howard and Eli, two very
strange individuals

purport to be talk show hosts
and they

preview and review what are
apparently homemade

snuff videos. No one thus far
can

figure out where the show
emanates from or whether or not
the video

shown are real or just the work
of some very good special

effects experts, but regardless
the show is quite

controversial, and also quite a
hit.

Local authorities are working
diligently to find the base of
operations

and the FBI is investigating
the reality

of the aleged "splatter videos"
the FCC

wants it known that it does not
take lightly to this sort of

flagrant disregard of cable
regulations

meanwhile, it appears that
there are as many viewers who
are in love with the show

as those who are horrified by
it.

and this announcer finds it
particularly frightening that
many

viewers write to ask where they
can send in their own, home
grown

video violence, the managers of
this cable station

want to make it very clear that
the Howard and Eli Show

is the work of outlaws and has
nothing to do whatsoever

what? Really?

well ladies and gentleman, it
appears that the boys

are at it again, it seems we
are losing some of our

signal strength, apparently
they are breaking in as

I speak, so I guess if you have
a

strong stomach and you're
curious, stay tuned

to this channel for what
apparently will be a broadcast
of the

Howard and Eli Show, if however
you faint at the

sight of blood I suggest you
change the channel now

this is channel 35 cable news
network

signing off for tonight.

[music plays]

warm up your chainsaws and
sharpen

your knives, it's time for those

gurus of gore! Yes...

it's the Howard and Eli Show!

[audience shouting]

Tonight's homemade splatter
videos include

another visit to the zany video
studios, a home made

electric chair, and the
succulent segment

on violent young college women.

Plus a special treat when we
bring on a live

guest actress! So let's go to
our very own

madcap murderers, Howard and
Eli!

[applause]

[music]
Good evening ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to

WGOR, and the Howard and Eli
Show. And now tonight's

hosts, Eli!

thank's Howard! How's everybody
doing

tonight? Great, great. You know
a funny thing happened

to me last week. I was out
hunting with my buddy Lester,
when out from behind

a tree jumps this beautiful
babe, buck-ass naked

I went up to her and I says
"are you game?" She goes

"Sure" so Lester shot her!
[laughter and applause]

Now for you Howard, what's red
and green and goes

120 miles per hour?

What's red and green and goes
120 miles an hour?

I don't know

A frog in a blender!

[laughter and applause]

One more, one more. What's
black and white and red all over

and can't get through a
revolving door?

what's black and white and
can't get through a revolver
door?

Do you know that one Gordo?

I, I don't know.

No what is it?

A nun with a spear through her head!
[laughter]

I see Gordon liked that one,
you know Gordon our musical

maniac
[applause]

you sound hot tonight Gord!
[laughter]

you know a lot of people don't
know this about Gordon, but he
was once heavily involved in

politics, he had to give it up
because the opposition found
too many

skeletons in his closet, real ones!
[laughter]

one of them was his old
girlfriend

one day she goes "Oh Gordon,
you kill me"

so he did!
[laughter]

I tell you though, it was
probably the best thing he ever
did

remember her she was such a
nag, I remember I was over for
dinner one time

and she starts up "Gordon,
Gordon I hate my brother's

guts." Remember what you said
to her? "Shut up and

eat what I put in front of you."
[laughter]

and another time I was over and
she started again

"Gordon, Gordon, I'm tired of
running around in circles" and
Gordon

goes "ah shut up before I nail
your other foot to the floor!"

[laughter and applause]

some women, you just can't
satisfy them. Die hard batteries

or not, I tell you. But hey
seriously we got a great show
for you

tonight, so stay tuned. We'll
be right back

Do it Gord!
[music plays]

[music plays]

[christmas music]

"For Joey, love Mom."

Looking for that special gift
for that hard to

please child?

a Wilber! You got me a Wilber!

[growls]
This Christmas, there's Wilber

[growls]

He's so soft! So cuddly!

and so deadly

[growls]
Let WIlber do the dirty work

for you

[blood pours, chewing sounds]

don't forget! Wilber is
completely

machine washable

this Christmas, bring home a
Wilber. Available at pet shops
everywhere

[music plays]

Isn't that Wilber adorable?

he sure is Eli!

what do you think Gordon?

reminds me of a cousin I once
had in Philadelphia

I never knew you had a cousin?

I had one.

oh, well let's bring out our
guest. She answered an ad we

put in the trades about the
casting of a splatter film

it didn't happen to mention
nudity did it Eli?

it certainly did Howard! We're
gonna bring her on and tell her
that

this is an audition for a low
budget horror film and that we
are

going to videotape it as her
screen test. Howard would you
bring on

Ms. what's her name?

Landow!

Certainly Eli!

[applause and music]

Hi! I'm Eli, I'm the director
of this movie

this is my best boy Howard

and you are?

I'm Debbie Landow. I brough you
a photo and resume

great

thank you

these are some very impressive
credentials here Eli

Yes indeed! I can definitely
see you playing the

lead in Pacific Overtures, and
it Sioux City

as well. The big time.

big

tell us something about playing
uh, Ophelia

that was in Hamlet, by William
Shakespeare

oh you did that version

well tell me do you have any
film and movie credits?

Uh, oh sure plenty! I did an
industrial for Counter Banks

where I played the head teller,
and I was in the Low budget
Sci-fi

called "The Extraterrestrial
Hooker"

I saw that

yeah that's very impressive,
have you ever done any Beckett

or Tourindo?

I did a condom commerical once,
would that have been a Beckett?

sounds absurd, could have been.
Tell us

something about yourself Debbie

Oh well I was born in Omaha
Nebraska but I moved

right away to New Jersey, where
I was raised by my Aunt Ethel

I took tap and ballet as a
little girl and now I think

I'm ready to break into
Hollywood, my favorite color is

blue, I like to read and ride
my bike and

my turnoffs are hairy women and
finding dead mice

in the bottom of soda bottles

oh yeah I hate that too, yeah

You can't get the things out,
they stay and bounce around

Well Debbie, it's time to see
if you can act. I'm gonna have
you read a scene with Howard

here, we're gonna videotape it
and send it to my producers,
and if they

like it, you've got the job.
How does that sound?

great!

Great, here's the script.

take a minute to look it over

[music plays]

ok?

ok.

great! great! You ready now?

sure, um, I guess so.

I'm not so good at cold readings

that's ok, we want this to look
spontaneous anyway

Let me set the scene, the place

is the tan-fastic tanning salon

you are a beautiful young model

relaxing under the heat of the
ultra violet lights

why don't you take your top off
and uh

that skirt, shoes, uh whatever
else you

got on, you know, get
comfortable

Ok.
[laughs]

[music plays]

Here's some oil, to help you
get in the mood

okay.

rub a little on

okay.

Hey I'm gonna have one of my
men come out and bring on of
the lights on to

to set a little more of the
ambience

I think you need a little more
oil

oh ok, um, I'm gonna get it all
over me

well why don't you just take it
off then

get it out of the way

oh okay, sure

[laughs]

uh, have you any sunglasses you
can

put on as well?

oh yeah I've got some in my bag

oh great. Howard is gonna
portray the verile

young towel boy, who you
secretly have a crush on

but in reality he's a
psychotic, erotic

serial killer, okay? The action

starts, you're all alone or so
you think

and then Howard will burst in.
Cameras

rolling? And action!

Boo!

[screams]
you scared me, covering her
breasts!

cut cut! Debbie

baby, sweetheart, "covering her
breasts"

is a stage direction, you don't
say it

that's what those funny bracket
things are for

oh oh okay

Howard bursts in you say "You
scared me!"

and then you cover your breasts
with your hands

ok yeah I got it

Can I try it again?

oh of course.

okay

Cameras! Rolling! and

action!

boo!
[screams]

you scared me!

you're not supposed to, you're
not supposed to be

in here! What do you want?

well babe, since it's after
hours and

no one's around, I thought you
and me might have

a little party. You know, do a
jay, do a little

vino, get down?

well I don't know. We hardly
know each other

besides I have to do my
otherside yet

well that's a good place to
begin, why not let me

oil up your back

Ok, but not too much

Hey, hey what the hell do you
think you're doing?

great! Adlibbing! You're really
into the character, go with it!

shit this hurts! This isn't
part of the script! Stop it!

Come on, get that in her mouth
[laughs]

congratulations Debbie, you
passed the audition

you got the part! You're in a
real live splatter film!

We're not quite sure what we
are going to do to you yet, but
whatver it is

will be very entertaining, well
now

it's time for our second
homemade video, it's from
somebody

I'm sure you'll recognize so
stay tuned!

so you wanna be a star babe?
[laughter]

[applause]

[music plays]
WGOR

Hi! I'm a retired police officer

in my spare time I like to
dabble in electrical devices

I'm pretty good with things
like VCRs

the one thing I wanted to see

when I was a cop was a good old

electrocution, I wanted to see
somebody fry

but they abolished capital
punishment here in

oh is it ok to say where we are?

well they abolished the death
penalty here so

what I did was to make me my
own electric chair

now I won't bore you with all
those technical aspects, but
suffice it

to say I got a 220 line running into this suckerp[laughter]

well that'll fry a fricken
elephant if I can get that son
of a bitch

into this chair here, well

why don't I introduce you all
to my wife, Millie!

hi! I'm Millie, I helped to
build this beauty

and I helped to capture this
criminal who's gonna fry

in a few minutes, so, what I
did was to get

all dressed up with my best
jewels dripping from me

and walked down the worst
street in the city

and within minutes what do you
know? Up comes junior here

with a knife, and well I just
maced his ass

and we drugged him up and we
brough him home. Instant
justice!

now if this damn contraption
will work good at all

we'll have a pretty good video
for the show, are you

ready honey?

yeah just about, just give me a
minute to get this nice and
tight

yeah, well

I guess that just about does it

ok sonny!

the verdicts in, the jury finds
you guilty!

as charged, and I sentence you
to die!

in this homemade hotseat
[laughter]

well honey, how many volts do
you think we oughta give him!?

how the hell do I know? Try
some low volts and keep goosing

it until it bursts

that sounds like a good idea to
me, well here

goes!
[Laughter]

[electric sounds and laughter]

It ain't doing it, it ain't
doing it

we gotta do something, needs
more juice or something

it ain't working!

come on, come on

oh! Now goose it up honey!

goose it up! Goose it up now!

look at that son of a bitch
jump!

more more!

alright put it up to full!

wow! wooo!

that's gonna do it!

[laughter]

well! Howard and Eli how'd you
like

that one!

[music plays]

Well that certainly was quite
impressive

the act incredible and while
the execution

was a bit sloppy, it does
warrant repeated viewing

I concur Howard, I particularly
like the wife

oh yeah

she exhibited a certain Je ne
sais pas which

I found very refreshing, I
really like to see more

of her in the future, speaking
of which, I'd like to point out
to

our audience that we gave
Debbie here a little something
to put on

because we know there are
children watching

so Debbie tell us, what did you
think of the video?

[muffled screams]

not talking eh?

well why don't you just life
your fingers to designate how
many stars

four fingers being the best

It seems she has no opinion,
perhaps

we can persuade her Eli

if we have to

how about the old puppet on a
vein schtick

right you are Eli, we have those

surgical scissors?

certainly!

the first cut is yours

ah thank you sir, you're a true
gentleman

[laughter]

Hey Howard

What? Oh right!

you got it now?

wait a minute, uh yeah

ok now I just put the scissor
in right there

it goes, ah
[screaming]

[screaming]

Ah there we go

[laughter and screaming]

Now let's see, we got a clean
cut here

Ow there we go

[laughter and screaming]

oh god

[laughter]

let's see, let's see how many

fingers she gives it now Eli!

[laughter and screaming]

I disagree

well then here!

while Howard tends to our guest
let me introduce our next video

it was sent to us by a bunch of
college age girls

and its entitled "Pizza Man"
you'll soon see why

read to roll! Action.

[music plays]

[music plays]
WGOR

[laughter]
I think we should take care of
this bitch here

[groans]

[laughter]
I don't think she's going
anywhere now

[groans]

Howard and Eli, they are
fantastic

I love these guys
[Laughter]

[disgust and laughter]

she loves it

Oh my god

[laughter]

let's cut this one up in pieces

that poor girl
[screaming]

she loves it

this is my favorite

here

[laughter]
you need more of that

I swallowed my gum

boy that was a great scene

shhh, I wanna hear what Howard
and Eli have to say

Stupendous! One of the most ten
best! Man the

fear on her face when she
realized that that guy was
gonna bash her

in the skull with that statue
of Gandhi

man that was worth a million
bucks!

I myself was partial to the
partial nudity

of course

she had a great set of
[laughter]

do you believe these guys?

you're one of those ladies men
Eli

thanks Howard
[laughter]

boy those guys are really funny

this the best thing that
appeared on cable since Fraggle
Rock

the videos are great

those two idiots are hysterical

come on, I disagree. Those guys
are chauvinists and what

really bothers me is that it's
always some guy hunting down and

splattering some totally
helpless half undressed female
I'd like

to see it change for once

oh yeah, well put your money
where your mouth is

I bet you wouldn't have the
guts to kill someone

that girl had the guts and
they're all over the floor

I'm serious, I'll bet Bonnie
she wouldn't have the guts

to pull off a senseless gorey
murder, well Bonnie?

alright, I'm game. What

do you have in mind?

shut up, I'm hungry wanna order
a pizza?

there you have it, let's order
a pizza and

when the kid gets here, we'll
videotape ourselves a little

splatter film, only this time
we'll rip the shit out of some

innocent and unsuspecting pizza
boy

you're serious aren't you?

sure I'm serious

we can probably even show the
damn thing on the

Howard and Eli Show, I'm
getting all hot and bothered
just thinking about it!

well I guess we could do as
good a job as these guy, and
it'd be a lot more

scary and exciting, I'm game

well Bonnie old chum, my bet
still stands, you in or out?

well what would we do with the
body?

depends on how we kill him, if
we chop him up we could take
the pieces and wrap them up

in freezer wrap and bring them
to the conservation center of
recycling

that sounds like Lerner and Lowe

I think thats Leopold and Loeb
dickhead

you're right

so how are we gonna kill him?

let's cut his pecker off

you really are one sick puppy
aren't you?

ok, what do you suggest?
Certainly we have to rape him.

depends on what he looks like

chauvinist

well let's start out by calling
him and get the son of a bitch
in here

I'll call a place in the next
town just to play it safe

do you really want to go
through with this?

you bet your ass, this could be
the most fun we've had in years

and it'll probably top the crap
they've been showing on the
Howard and Eli Show

did you see the one where they
coated the girl with dog food
and threw her into the pound

with all those strays, the
cameraman couldn't even keep
the camera steady

and there were no closeups, it
stunk

they promised they'd be here
withing 15 minutes or we'd get
3 dollars off the price

what kind of pies did you get,
I'm starving

I got two large, one with
mushrooms and peppers and one
with anchovies and meatballs

you guys are retarded, how
could you think of food at a
time like this?

oh I'm so hungry that if the
pizza boy looks half as good as
the pie

I'll eat him

you're disgusting

you know it, ok now when he
gets here

let me lead the action, but I
need the total participation of
both of you

are you in or out?

you bet

okay

YES!

[door bell rings]
oh my god!

okay calm down, straighten up

this is it

I'll get the door

well hi, is this number 8 Elm
street?

yeah, and we're your nightmare,
come on in

why don't put them down over
there

so how much do we owe you for
those?

well, well that's um, two

two large pies with two extras
comes to

$13.89

okey doke, while we were
waiting for you we were
wondering

if we could work the pies off
in some other way

holy shit

we were just watching some
porno flicks and we're kind
horny

well I've, I've gotta get my
next order delivered or else
they 3 bucks out of my pay

well I think we can make it
worth your while

and if you don't agree we'll
pay for our pies plus all the
other

ones you have in your car

holy shit

I think I'll go put on some
music

pizza boy, let's see what you're made ofp[music playing]

how about putting on a little
show for us

you're fucking kidding me
right, it's like a joke?

not at all

you have no idea how going to
the male strip joints makes

women go crazy, by the time
you're done

we'll be in a frenzy

[music plays]

[laughter]

go ahead

right, drink

more, drink more

[laughter]

right, that's it, right

come on, let's get up and
dance. Go for it honey, do it

yeah that's better, I wanna see
it all now.

right now, mmhmmm
[music plays]

[music plays, moaning and
giggling]

that's it, that's a great one
alright more

I got one special for you

[cheering]

[music plays, moaning and
giggling]

I'm gonna get closer to there,
yeah that's it more

oh butt shot great

good yeah!

[music plays, moaning and
giggling]

come on, ok now

oh there you go

yeah that's it now we're going

let's see it now

how's that? alright

oh more, more

oh my shoes, hold on

we'll help you out

[giggling]

we'll get it don't worry,
there's one

that's what I'm talking about,
here we go, left leg

[giggles]
There you go.

one leg lets go
[cheers]

[cheering]

[music plays, moaning and
giggling]

whoa nelly!

distract him

[music plays, moaning and
giggling]

wow, what's that what you got
there?

[music plays, moaning and
giggling]

oh yeah get in there

alright come on Belinda let's
do it

get him down now, right now

yeah! Belinda!
[cheering]

wooo yeah

oh yeah come

get him down, oh yeah don't let
him go

here we go, easy now

[music plays]

well, I gotta hand it to you

you didn't cop out

I won the bet

yep, you do

hey know something?

I kinda liked it

say I wonder if that Chinese
place in town delivers

[laughter]

[music plays]

wonderful job Gordo

now that's what I call state of
the art wonderful from
beginning to end

I absolutely agree Eli, the
three ladies were

luscious and the pizza boy had
a real nice fresh sense about
him

shall we vote?

I think we shall

[screams and laughter]

come on baby, slice on off of
there

I give it one thumb up

me too Eli!
[laughter]

while we administer to our guest

let's take a look at this
promotional video

[music plays]

finally the one you've been
waiting for can be yours

yes it's Video Violence 2

more of the best in homegrown
splatter

if you order right now you'll
get such favorites as

electrocuting Rita, Nail the
Mailman

the paper punching of Polly,
Chainsaw Accountants

redrum, she wrote

roasting Rosie, two ghouls for
sister tara

Deli Madness, Tillie's
punctured bladder

Frenchtown Follies, Severing
Sally

and a favorite of your
announcer, The Killing of Mr.
and Mrs. Emory

you'll also get The Vampire
Takes a Bride, Return of the
Machine Shope

I Ate Your Guts, Amateur MDs

The Close Shave, Ice Pick,
Anyone? Eat My Heart Out

Splatter or Suffocate, Pele
Get's a Pouding, Stapling
Stanley

and the adorable Carl the
Cuddly Cannibal, also included

Does You Fish Bite? Keep Your
Eye Out? Murray Eats His Magnum.

Vivissecting Victor, Castrating
Katz, So You Wanna be a Star?

Captives, The Cereal Killer, An
Arm and a Leg, Those Loveable
Cut Ups.

and what collection would
possibly be complete without
some of those fantastic

Howare and Eli Bloopers, yes if
you order right now

the best in home grown splatter
can be yours, yes

it's Video Violence 2

Available in VHS, S-VHS, BETA,
Cassette, CD, 8-track,
Laserdisc, U-Matic. Order yours
today

[music plays]

Bet you'd love to get your
hands on that casette huh?

unfortunately we haven't yet
figured out a way to let you
know where to send for it

without tipping our hands to
the authorties so for the time
being

you'll just have to be content
with looking at previews of
coming attractions

and now it's time for another
video, this one was submitted

to us by Joanna Barker

what you're about to see is
what happened when a non-club
member

from out of town came in to
rent a video

[laughter]

[whistling]

[whistling]

hey, hey

hi

how are you doing?

fine, I'd like to rent these
three movies please

ok, are you a club member?

no I'm not, I'm from out of town

oh

where are you staying?

Sweeney college, I just got
accepted

congratulations

tonight's orientation night so
they sent me down to pick up
some tapes

ok well, I'll just need to see
a driver's license

oh sure

and a major credit card

it's daddy's

great
[laughter]

I hope this doesn't cost me an
arm and a leg

[laughter]

Oh no

we have quite enough arms and
legs this week

now I'll just need to make a
face print

a face print, what the hell is
that?

well it's just a way for us to
keep track of our non-club
members

alright sure

ok

now why don't you just go over
there and have a seat, and

we'll be with you in just a
minute

why not, boy you sure go to a
lot of trouble for three lousy
tapes

well you can never be too
careful

would you hold this?

thank you

what's this for?

oh just to make sure that you
don't move during the process
it's

totally painless, don't worry.
Nothing to be upset

about, it's very simple, it's a
brand new process that

they're using

oh I get it, Tracy and Michelle
put you up to this right?

well you could say that

an initiation prank right?

yes, I guess so

ok now you have to hold very
very still

ready? Don't worry it's totally
painless

you won't feel a thing
[screams]

[laughter and screaming]

hold her still!

[laughter and screaming]

[applause]

when will it be available to
rent?

oh for christsake, all you
people ever want are the new
releases

geez

Well that was fun fun fun, and
what a creative use of

a shrink wrap machine

hey I'd give it a thumbs up but
we don't have any left!

How about we go for the toes!

Nah! I wonder what Deb here

thought about the video?
Getting an answer out

of her is like pulling teeth
Howard

NAH

well maybe she's sitting too
far back from the monitor and
she can't see em

maybe she needs glasses

I can fix that! We'll move her
eyes closer!

[laughter]

[wimpering]

[laughter and wimpering]

[screaming and laughter]

There it is!

Here Mel

put this next to the monitor,
you know

if we wrap her up anymore,
we'll be able to do a mummy
movie!

boy we're having some fun
tonight

and now for a special treat,
Howard

right you are Eli, we've got a
special how-to video tonight all

about how to operate the new
household kitchen appliances
the

drac-o-matic blood dispenser
and the splicer and dicer

we ready to roll em?

let's roll em!

[applause]

[music plays]

good evening ladies and
gentleman and welcome to my
show!

tonight Gladys, Otto, and I

are going to demostrate two new
household products we feel you
can't

live without, Gladys is new in
town and answered my help

wanted sign just this morning,
and she doesn't know just how
big

a help she's going to be, hehehe

but first, a small commercial
for my homemade lemonade

here Gladys, have a sip and
tell our viewing audience just

what you think

boy Mr. Dick this is delicious,
what's that unique taste?

sorry Gladys, that's my secret!
That's what keeps people

coming in here to sample my
speciality. And now

onto our program, folks it is
my pleasure to introduce to you
a new time saving

user friendly and FUN to
operate gadget that

no one should be without

you see, to fully appreciate
the slice and dicer

you need a live body,
preferably female

and one that will co-operate

and now the slice and dicer, it
slices and dices

it shatters and splatters, and
it's so simple to operate

all you do is put the item to
be chopped

in the moldable slot

line it up just right and push
down

hard and quickly!

well Otto it needs a few
refinements

however uh, each finger did
slice

is uniformly sliced

and the palm is still in tact

[humming]

and perfect for the famous
finger sandwich

[laughter]

and when it is perfected

the slice and dicer will cut
through nails

make mince meat of bones and
still stay sharp cut after cut

after cut, our next item is for
the vampire

in all of you, the drac-o-matic

you need to have your subject
in an upright position

which means tie her to a chair
or suspend

her arms from the ceiling or
have your assitant help you

Now the blood dispense will
work in almost any part of the
body but if you

hit a major artery you run the
risk of too strong a flow so I

try a flesh part, like the tush
or the

chest!
[laughs]

Deli Dicks homemade all nature
lemonade, no preservatives!

will render your victim
semi-conscious, euphoric

and very co-operative, and now
the

drac-o-matic, find your mark in
one of the Poconos

uh polka dots.

notice how, notice

how easily it slides into the
muscles

now once everything is set, get
yourself a class

adjust the flow

turn her on and fill her up!

[humming]

[humming]

mmm!

mmm!

Betty!

well that's all for tonight's
show, if someone new applies
for the job I'll be back

next week with some more
culinary delights, in the
meantime

don't let your meat loaf

for the slicer and dicer and
drac-o-matic send $19.95 to

PO Box 69 Radio Center Grand
Station Central Rapids

immediately or charge to your
major credit card

[music plays]

WGOR

well that's all we have time
for tonight

hopefully we'll be back next
week with another edition of
the Howard and Eli Show

so from all of us to all of
you, keep cutting em up!

Bye bye!

[laughter and music]

ok and that's a wrap, alright

you guys wanna start breaking
down equipment it looked good

yeah good, real good

yeah!
[applause]

hot stuff! Here Gordo have a
beer!

alright! wow!

somebody shut these fucking
chasers off

yeah you got it

[whimpering]

good show Howard

[laughter]
Beauty!

beauty super, Gordo, what can I
say big guy

unbelievable

incredible

good, real good

come one sweet knees, you can
get up now clean it up

but I can't get up, can you
please untie me from this chair
I don't really have hands

can't believe how disgusting
the last 8 hours have been,
I've never been

so disgusted in my whole life
sitting here with all this
blood on me this rubber this
shit

it's stupid ridiculous things,
I can't believe it. And to make
it even more humiliating

I can't believe I had to say
that ridiculous script, did you
write that Eli because I am
sorry

but that sucked, that was the
most humiliating thing in my
entire life

and if you touch me one more
time you

are lucky my hands were tied
because I was going to smack
your face off

so disgusting, can I have a
robe please? Do I have to stand
nude in front of you all day?

get this off of me, would you
help me here, this is so gross
look at

this this is disgusting, it is
in my hair and all over me if
this stains

you are in big shit, I am not
gonna walk around with red
hands for the rest of my life

I'm sorry

god this is so gross, could I
have something please?

I'm not gonna stand here all day

can you help her here Eli?

yeah I think I will, uh guys

can I have something please

you know what?

what?

you talk too much
[snap]

Can we have something to cover
her up? Got it Howard?

Good, real good

Man

a mouth on that one

you stud, get me a beer there

you got a beer down there? Eli!

Solid!

yeah!
[laughter]

[knocking on the door]
Who the hell's that?

batteries, we can take it with
us

some background music

Hey, it's a tape, and a note

says "Dear Howard and Eli,
please watch this for a big
surprise"

throw it in!

alright

seems a little familar, sort of
deja vouis

somebody around here's got a
sense of humor

that's true

well alright let's roll that
sucker

put that baby in

oh that's sweet

Hello Howard, Hello Eli. I
wonder if you

can guess who this is

let me give you a hint, my wife
and I used to live in New York

my husband used to run a movie
theater.

I used to work for a big legal
firm

we moved into your town a
little over a year ago, and
became

very close friends.

got any ideas yet or do you
need some more clues?

well how about, a 1978 green

dodson B210, do you remember
what it looked

like from the back of a stolen
back renegade?

they gotta be fucking kidding us

remember a kid by the name of
Rick Carlson? Boy

it must have been some job to
try and carry his body out

through the door in the back of
my Video Studio

Jesus Christ, we cut them up
into 6900 pieces

what kind of shit is this?

[laughter]
I bet you two guys think you
cut us up into

a thousand little tiny pieces,
well look again

holy shit!

yes fellows, it took quite a
lot of work to patch us back
together again

but between the finest surgeons
and plastic surgeons

we're here to tell the tale

and what a tale it is

don't forget, we know everything

we can name names, we know
about Reggie Hawd.

and we know about the Sheriff

that was pretty funny, him
pretending not to know

how to run a VCR, he had me
fooled

and when I think of what I
really ate when I ordered

that bologna at the deli, I
wanna die

Now the question is, what do we
do about it all?

my instinct is to turn you all
over to the authorities

I mean afterall we know where
you all live

we know where your studio is,
we know who

mudered who and where all the
bodies are buried

and if you think that you can
destroy all of the evidence I
just want you

to consider the possibility
that we've already talked and
the FBI

is on it's way over to you
right now

but I think I've talked my wife
out of that plan

I mean afterall to me it's an
eye for an eye and considering

what you did to mine, I think
we'll go with plan B

in Plan B, we burst into your

television studio and do
exactly what you did to us

[panicked yells]

Alright sleaze bags!

you fat tub of shit, freeze
right where you are!

SHIT! I don't fucking believe
this!

please don't kill me! I didn't
mean it!

lights!

camera!

action!

[chainsaw and screaming]

ok Eli, this one's for you

[BANG]

[offkey piano]

Rosebud.

[chainsaw revving]

[chainsaw and pleading]

[chainsaw stops]

you son-of-a-bitch!

you son of a bitch! oh you!

you son of a bitch!

[laughter]

we fooled you!

man we got you back!

I bet you thought it was them

you guys

[laughter]

you got us

alright did you get it all on
tape?

right, ha!

I haven't had so much fun since
we killed the real Emery family

[laughter]
yeah, yeah Joann but I hope

this shit will come off my
face, you know?

it'll come out sooner than the
shit in my pants!

[laughter]
alright alright now listen,
quiet

shhhh. Are you ready?

alright, just finished talking
to my agent at the morris office

13 weeks as a sitcom

[cheer]
a mini serious

and Howard and Eli

the Movie!
[cheering]

[music starts, end credits]

[music starts, end credits]

[music fades out]