Victor's Big Score (1992) - full transcript

(mellow music)

(energetic music)

(thunder rumbling)
(tense music)

* My Boston Rose

* My Boston Rose

* Everyone knows

* Everyone knows

* How sweet your blossoms
blooming by the Charles *

* Blooming by the Charles

* And if your petals
fade and wither *

* Our love will last forever



* I'll always be your beau

* My Boston Rose

* My Boston Rose

(scissors snipping)

Trim your sideburn?

No.

(Victor chuckles)

(scissors snipping)
(man groans)

You cut his ear, you
cut my husband's ear!

Why don't you watch
what you're doing

instead of trying
to pick up women?

[Victor] I'm not.

I mean, what woman
would want you anyway?

A barber with no
looks and no money.



Forget it Romeo, you're a loser.

(car engines rumbling)

(door latches)

(scissors snipping)

(jazzy music)

(Victor gasps)

Vic baby, I like your style.

Don (chuckles)!

When did they let you out?

Oh, just yesterday.

See you haven't lost your touch.

[Vic] Oh.

Hey, come on over
later for a few beers.

I'm stayin' at my mother's.

I don't think so.

I'm gonna go check out
this new singles joint.

I hear that it is
loaded with women.

(lively music)
(patrons chattering)

(woman laughing)

(Don laughing)
(phone ringing)

(lively music)

[Don] Vic baby!

Yeah, hi Don, is it okay if
I still come over tonight?

(dart thuds)

[Don] Sure, but give me
an hour. (dogs barking)

(woman squeals)

(Don laughing)
(dog howling)

(dogs barking)
(crickets chirping)

(gentle music)

[Vic] Hi, Don.

Hi, Vic.

Hey, we gotta keep quiet,
my mother's asleep.

(gentle music)
(dogs barking)

Want a burger?

No.

Yeah, I can't stay long.

I have to get up early.

My landlord kicked
me out this morning.

What are you doing?

Takin' the meat out.

So, tell me about that
great singles bar, Vic.

You struck out didn't you?

Hey, just look at my scrapbook.

(gentle music)
(dogs barking)

You know, Don, you
shouldn't wear red,

it makes you look
almost like the devil.

Almost Vic, almost?

(chuckles) Victor,
I am the devil.

(chuckles) Since when does the
devil live with his mother?

(Don groans)

[Don] So, why'd your
landlady toss ya out?

Eh, same thing as last time.

Money.

Victor my boy, I'm
afraid you're gonna

be poor all of your life.

Why?

'Cause you have no plans.

Oh yeah, I suppose you do?

You bet your ass I do.

Okay, what are your plans?

Contests.

Life is one big contest.

I've entered 71 of
'em so far this year.

I figure it's law of averages.

Sooner or later ya gotta win.

You know, there's probably
still hope for you, Victor.

I figure you gotta find
yourself a rich broad.

Forget the romance,
it doesn't last.

The only thing that
lasts is the money.

(dogs barking)
(gentle music)

(pal thuds)

(dogs barking)
(gentle music)

(engine rumbling)

Yes, the room's still available

and it's only a block
from Quincy Adams' grave.

(playful music)
(birds chirping)

You're not a smoker, are you?

[Vic] No.

(gentle music)

Wonderful!

I'm Thelma Marshal,
won't you come in?

Okay (chuckles).

(door latches)

I'm Victor Hertz.

This certainly looks
like a nice neighborhood.

Well it's not.

(Victor chuckles)

Let me show you the room.

You know, sometimes it
gets darned lonesome.

You're not a smoker, are you?

So here you can see Mamarte

and all the little French cafes.

It takes me back a long time.

Well, what do you think?

I'm asking $35 and
not a penny less,

but you can have it for 24.

Oh, in that case-

But first let me
tell you the rules.

No smoking, no
girls in the house

and no telephoning after 10 p.m.

If you can observe these rules,

I'll rent you the room tomorrow.

Hm, what about tonight?

I never do any business
on Friday, young man.

It's bad luck.

Well, the rules are fine,

but where will I sleep tonight?

Well you can sleep on the couch

and when you've
been here a month,

I'll have a key made for you.

It's Lincoln (chuckles).
Oh, is it?

Oh.

If you're the gentleman
I think you are,

I'll stay up and have a
drink with you one night,

but no getting any ideas.

I'm very old-fashioned
in some ways, you know.

I better unload
the car (chuckles).

For one thing, I don't agree
with pre-marital relations,

not unless the
couple is engaged.

I'll unload the car?

All right, and I'll
fix the couch for you.

(crickets chirping)

Victor?

Victor?

(gentle music)

Do you think I could
pass for 60 or 65?

Yeah (chuckles), why not?

Oh, oh thank you, Victor.

I'm nearly 74.

(gentle music)

Victor, I do hope I
can relax around you.

I always dress
like this at night.

Would you like another drink?

Well, I'm kind of tired.

Maybe another time.

Okay, maybe one more (chuckles)?

(gentle music)
(crickets chirping)

(upbeat music)

Did you find out how
much money she has?

No, not yet, no.

Maybe we should try
someplace else, you know?

I never have any
luck around here.

[Don] Hello, cutie pie!

You're cute.

Well, come on over and
I'll buy you a drink.

[Woman] All right.

(upbeat music)

He's a little on the
shy side, you know?

Mm hm.

Victor?

(upbeat music)
(patrons chattering)

Mm hm.

What are you waiting for?

(upbeat music)

(woman giggling)

What are you doing?
I'm just trying

to think of somethin' to say.

Victor, nothing is
sadder than a witty jerk.

Just buy her a drink.

(upbeat music)
(woman giggling)

(bottle clinking)

(upbeat music)
(woman giggling)

(patrons chattering)
(upbeat music)

(gentle music)

[Thelma] Will you have
some more coffee, Victor?

No thanks.

Oh, aren't you going to be
late for work this morning?

No, I'm off today.

I have to go into the bank.

Which bank?

[Victor] First National.

Oh, that's a good one.

That's one of my banks.

Banks?

Oh heavens, Victor!

You don't think I'd trust

just one bank with
$225,000 do you?

You have $225,000?

Hm, and the house
and a few bonds

that I've forgotten all about,

but it's gonna last
me until I die.

Thelma, maybe you can help me.

I was gonna surprise
you but I'm gonna buy

a new car and I'd like
to borrow the money

from you and it
only costs $4,000.

Oh, I'm sorry Victor but it
might spoil our friendship.

You know what they say about
lending money to a friend.

Yeah, but I thought that
I was a special friend.

So you are and I've got
a nice surprise for you.

[Victor] A surprise?

I made you a key!

(key thuds)

(clock ticking)

(Victor chuckles)

Thanks, I don't want it.

Why not?

(plate clinks)

(Victor sighs)

Because I'm moving out.

(clock ticking)

(playful music)

Thelma?

(pensive music)

(rotary dial spinning)

Excuse me, could you tell
me how Thelma Marshal is?

[Nurse] Someone will
be right with you.

[Woman] Dr. Forest,
please dial 118.

[Betty] Are you
with Mrs. Marshal?

Excuse me, are you
with Thelma Marshal?

(gentle music)

Yeah.

Well she's going
to be all right.

She must mean a lot to you.

You'll never know how much.

(Betty chuckles)

[Betty] What's your name?

Victor.

Hello Victor, I'm Betty.

(gentle music)

Look, there's nothing
you can do here.

(engine rumbling)

It's sweet of you
to drive me home.

Oh, that's all right.

We both had a long day.

(car rattling)

What's wrong with your car?

It's not mine.

It belongs to a friend.

Oh.

You know, your landlady is lucky

you were there when
she passed out.

She might have died.

You mean that I saved her life?

[Betty] That's what
the doctor said.

Huh, how about that (chuckles).

If it had been anyone
else other than Thelma

I probably woulda
gotten a reward.

Just be glad you
could help, Victor.

It's not every day we
can save someone's life.

I thought you were
compassionate.

I am, I'm very
passionate (chuckling).

Uh...

Will you go out with
me tomorrow night?

Would you go to church
with me on Sunday?

Agreed.

And stop worrying
about your landlady.

She'll be home in no time.

(gentle music)

I'm sorry that I
got angry with you,

but it was a good thing I was
there to save your life, huh?

Thank you, Victor,
and now I'm going

to do something nice for you.

Oh no, you don't have to
do anything nice for me,

I'm just glad that
you're comin' home.

What are you, what are
you gonna do for me?

Well, from now on Victor,

you'll need not pay any rent,

and you can stay in my
house as long as you want.

That's not what I want.

[Thelma] Well, what
do you want, Victor?

Cash (chuckles).

Oh, now I couldn't do that.

Now, you do you realize
that I did save your life?

$20?

You know, if I hadn't
called that ambulance

you'd probably be
dead right now.

[Thelma] How much?

$4,000.

Oh, Victor, why don't
you take the free rent?

(engine rumbling)

(clock ticking)

$100.

Where are you going?

I'm leaving.

(clock ticking)

(Victor sighs)

You'll fix everything in
the house that wants fixing?

(gentle music)

Yeah.

[Thelma] You'll be in
by 10 p.m. every night?

Uh huh.

[Thelma] And you'll pay
me back $100 a month,

plus the rent?

You got a deal, sweetie.

(upbeat music)

(Victor humming)

Oh, oh stop it!

You're making dizzy.

Do you wanna kill
me so you don't

have to pay the money back?

If Don calls tell
him I got the car.

Thelma, I love you!

(upbeat music)

(water splashing)

(car engine revving)
(birds chirping)

It's a score, Vic.

Not the big time yet,
but it's a score.

You know, if we do this right,
we can make out real good.

[Victor] Do what right?

You get her to make out a will
leaving everything to you.

Uh huh, and then
what, we kill her?

No, we don't kill her.

We just make sure she
gets the flu or somethin'.

That's nice, and you want?

[Don] 25%.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I think that has
possibilities, Don,

but I would like to
name the percentage

and I think it should be 10%.

[Don] Okay, I'm not greedy.

(gong chimes)

(Chinese music)

Do you need a fishing
license for your car?

Not unless you wanna
fish (chuckles).

But it's red and it's
got propellors and it,

you have to make sure
the doors are closed.

It's a beautiful car, Victor,

but wasn't that
generous of Thelma,

lending you all of that money?

Yeah, well some
people are like that.

Besides, she's probably grateful

for me savin' her life and
all, you know (chuckles).

(gentle music)

Isn't this lovely, Victor?

It's so,

Chinese.

Yeah, even the customers.

(gentle music)

So, what do religious girls do?

We're just like other girls.

We like to walk on the beach,

we like to go for picnics
and we like to screw.

(ketchup squirting)
(playful music)

(Victor chuckles)

I didn't mean to shock you.

It's just that some
fellows get the wrong idea

when they find out
you're religious.

Sorry.

I just didn't want you to
lose interest, that's all.

See, I was married
once and I got used

to sex and I enjoy it.

I'm a good Christian but
I can't hide my feelings.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, sure.

Not only that, it gives you a
good reason to go to church.

Victor, that's
not a finger bowl.

(liquid bubbling)

Ow, ow, ow!
(dramatic music)

Ow!

Ouch.

Okay.

(dramatic music)

(woman screaming)

(bag thuds)

(woman screams)

(bag thuds)

(woman screams)

(Victor chuckles)
(gentle music)

(Victor chuckles)
(gentle music)

Are we ready?

(Victor's throat clears)

Yeah.

(gentle music)

(gong chimes)

(crickets chirping)

Victor,

you mean you're just
gonna sit around

and wait for that
poor old woman to die?

Is money really that
important to you?

No, not to me but it
is to everybody else.

They won't do anything for
me unless I give them money.

You don't have to
give me any money.

You know,

I like you Betty.

(gentle music)
(crickets chirping)

I like you a lot.

(Betty laughing)

Great, that's a
hell of a response.

That's just great.

I'm sorry, it was the ketchup.

I heard you and I'm glad.

(gentle music)
(crickets chirping)

You know, you're not supposed

to put ketchup on Chinese food.

(gentle music)

(crickets chirping)

I want my money back!

I want my money back!

You haven't kept your promise
and I want my money back!

Who have you murdered?

Thelma, it's late.

I have to get up early tomorrow.

We'll talk about
it tomorrow okay?

But tomorrow's Sunday.

Why do you have to
get up so early?

Because I am going to church.

Well, that's not good enough!

I want my money back!

* We sing now together
our song of Thanksgiving *

* Rejoicing in goods which
the ages have wrought *

* For life that enfolds us and
helps and heals and holds us *

* And leads beyond the goals
which our fathers once sought *

(organ music)
(congregation chattering)

Now that wasn't so bad, was it?

No, I liked the nice sermon.

Hello, partner.

Well, if it isn't the
alcoholic extortionist.

What are you doing here?

I hear it's a great place
to meet rich widows.

Who's the lovely lady?

You've been hiding
things from me, Vic.

This is Virginia,
she's from Colorado.

She's on vacation, she'll
be going back tomorrow.

You're still married, right?

What are you doing here?

Oh, it's part of your probation.

Uh uh.

He's a great kidder.

What is your name?

Betty.

Oh, Betty.

Hello, how are you?

I'm proud of you, Vic. Hey,
when are you gonna fix me up

with some of that
action you owe me?

You fix me up with that one,

and I'll wipe the slate clean.

- That one is off limits.

Believe it or not,

I love her.

Okay, okay. What about the
will, are you workin' on it?

Yeah.

For a change I think
you got a good idea.

Take care of Victor
for me Betty,

or Virginia or whatever.

(birds chirping)
(congregation chattering)

Do you and your friend always

put each other down like that?

We were just kidding.

Besides, I didn't want him
to know that were a nurse,

we'd never get rid of him.

Why not?

Well, he's got
this weird disease.

(Betty giggles)

He's always lookin'
for medical advice,

especially if it's
free (chuckles).

He likes nurses.

His fourth wife was a nurse.

(Victor chuckles)
(Betty chuckles)

(playful music)

Who's that?

She's with me, we're
friends of Victor's,

we met in church.

Oh.

Well, we have to be going now.

It's been awfully nice
meeting you, Ma'am.

(birds chirping)

I want my money back.

You haven't kept your word.

You were out half the night

and you haven't fixed anything

in the house that
I asked you to.

- Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

I fixed the fan.

Oh, it doesn't blow
anymore, it sucks.

Besides which, everybody
steals from me.

I can't trust anyone anymore,

even the mailman doesn't
bring me any mail.

Don't talk like that.

We'll just, we'll go for
a ride in the new car,

I'll take you to Chinese
food, we'll go out for dinner.

Oh, you mean you'll
take me out on a date?

Sure.

Oh, that would be lovely!

Oh, I would like
to go on a date!

And we can get Chinese food?

[Victor] Don't worry, Thelma.

(birds chirping)

Nobody is taking
anything from anybody.

(engine rumbling)

Oh, thank you for a
wonderful dinner, sweetie.

Well, it was my pleasure.

Of course, it
wasn't a real date.

Yeah, what do you mean?

Well, if it had been a real date

you'd have taken me
somewhere to get into my-

(cars horn honking)
(tires screeching)

[Man] You idiot!

Are you all right?

Uh, yeah.

Victor, do you
like a hot number?

Huh?

Well, that's what
my husband Charley

used to call it, a hot number.

You mean...

Yes, but we've got to
wait until we get home.

(horn honking)
(tires screeching)

I certainly enjoyed dinner.

[Victor] So, we're
still friends?

[Thelma] Of course we are.

Victor, would you
like me to change

into something more comfortable?

I mean like they do
after "The Late Show?"

(Victor chuckles)

No, I would like to talk to you.

You said that you were alone,
do you have any relatives?

Well, I've got one
niece living in Texas

but I haven't seen
her for years.

Is she the one who
gets the money?

What do you mean, what money?

When you die.

Is she on the will?

Oh, I haven't made any will.

I'm not going to
die, not yet, anyway.

I go after my mother.

She lived to be nearly 100.

Poor dear, she wanted
so badly to reach 100.

What happened to
her, a heart attack?

No, a truck.

Oh, that's too bad.

So, you see there's no will.

I'll worry about
that when I'm 98.

Mm hm.

What about your niece,
is she poor like me?

My niece, Lucy?

Oh no, she owns an oil
well and a rich husband.

That's great.

Why don't you make out a will,

and leave all of
your money to me?

But what about my niece?

She's loaded and besides,

she didn't save
your life, did she?

Well Victor, I think
you've got a good idea.

If you'll pay for
it, I'll do it.

Agreed, money is no
object (chuckles).

We'll do it tomorrow,

if you'll do something
for me tonight.

(gentle music)

(birds chirping)

[Victor] Now, you're sure
you understand right?

Of course I do Victor.

Which hat shall I wear?

[Victor] What are you
gonna tell your lawyers?

That you're an old friend

and that I've known
you for years.

And that I saved your life.

Why do I have to say
all these things Victor?

Because Thelma, lawyers are dumb

and they only know
what you tell them.

(phone ringing)

(tense music)

[Man] Your call, Madam.

[Lucy] Hello, Aunt Thelma!

Lucy!

Well, how's Houston?

You're not!

You are?

Well, that's wonderful!

Yes, yes I'll be here.

Okay, darling.

Bye!

Oh, Victor guess what?

Lucy's in town,
she's coming over?

Okay, just don't
mention the will.

That'll be our little secret.

Anything you say Victor,

but we can't go for the will
just now, because guess what?

Lucy's in town and
she's coming over!

Okay, just don't
mention the will.

Oh, and there's one other
thing you can do for me.

Well, what's that?

Write me a love letter, okay?

Oh, Victor, you're so romantic.

Hm.

"Dear Victor,

I've been laying on the
couch fantasizing about you.

What I really need is
your young, hard body,

to do the job.

Your hot-blooded whore, Thelma."

I'm not a whore!

Of course you're not but that's

the way that lovers talk
to each other these days.

Oh, it's no wonder the young
people are so mixed up.

They don't know
how to sweet talk.

But why do you want me
to write a dirty letter?

Okay, just write
whatever you want.

Oh.

(clock ticking)

(letter rustling)

(Victor spits)

(door bell chiming)

(Thelma sighs)

Lucy!

Aunt Thelma, darling!

(Lucy smooching)

Oh, how nice.

You have a servant.

Oh no, that's Victor.

He's my roomer.

[Lucy] A roomer?

You mean you spent
all your money

and now you have
to take in roomers?

Oh, of course not.

You know how your aunt
watches her pennies.

Aunt Thelma please, must
we talk in front of him?

[Victor] That's all right.

Thelma, I'm gonna give
you gals some privacy.

I'm just gonna sit
out on the porch.

(playful music)

I was on my way to New York

and got your letter that
you were in the hospital,

and I just had to stop
and see my favorite aunt.

Your only aunt.

(playful music)
(birds chirping)

Aunt Thelma, I
brought you a present

all the way from Paris.

What?

Oh, what is it?

Why it's a wig, silly.

It cost me a fortune
but I don't mind.

It'll make you look
10 years younger.

And before I forget,

I wanna talk to you
about making a will.

Oh no, I couldn't do that.

Victor said I wasn't to
discuss it with anyone.

Is is that man in your will?

Yes, of course.

He's paying for it.

Oh, he is, is he?

And how long have you known him?

Hm, about a month.

And how well do you
know this Victor?

Well, to tell you the
truth, he's my boyfriend.

[Lucy] You mean?

Yes, isn't it wonderful?

(dramatic music)

[Lucy] So, you're Victor,
the degenerate barber

that's sleeping with
my 73-year-old aunt.

And you're Lucy, the
fat asshole from Texas.

You listen to me Mister,
she's my blood relative.

She owes me and no
third-rate Casanova

is gonna take money that
belongs to Lucy Hawthorne.

Now, I don't have time to argue.

Clear out and I'll
give you 5,000 cash.

(Victor chuckles)

You can't buy me.

All right, I'll go
as high as 10,000.

I'll take it.

[Lucy] Good, I thought so.

I'll be here tomorrow
at noon with the money,

you be ready with
your car packed.

Agreed.

Good day, Victor.

(dramatic music)

(crickets chirping)

(Victor imitates bird calling)

[Victor] Betty!

(crickets chirping)

(stone clinking)

(gentle music)

Victor?

What is it?

What's wrong?

Sorry to bother you tonight,

but I have to make a
big decision tomorrow

and I need to know
something tonight.

(gentle music)
(crickets chirping)

Oh, here.

Here you go.

Know what?

(Victor exhales)

If it were possible,
would you marry me?

I mean you know, if
it were possible?

Victor, are you proposing?

No, I can't propose,
not tonight.

But if it were possible,

would you marry
me if I was poor?

And I am.

Victor, this is awfully sudden,

but I'll think about it.

(gentle music)
(crickets chirping)

Victor, aren't you
going to do something?

Do what?

Victor, if you're
having fun with me-

No, no.

I can't ask until tomorrow.

And what happens tomorrow?

I think I'm gonna get $10,000.

Victor, you can't do it.

I can't do what?

I don't know, but
whatever it is,

it's illegal and
you'll go to jail.

Oh, it's not illegal,
it's just a bribe.

Victor, do you know
how dumb that sounds?

No, it's the truth
and it's legal.

I just, I had to ask
you to marry me first.

I needed to know that
you'd have me poor.

(gentle music)

Poor Victor.

(horn honking)

(jazzy music)

[Victor] You son of a bitch!

Victor baby, take a
look at this window!

Boy, you'd be
amazed what you see

up here on the roof (chuckles).

You are really somethin'.

Everybody is workin'
this morning,

and you're up here,
you're lookin' for action.

Wow!

Yeah, that's one couple
that's workin' overtime, huh?

Hey Vic, look what
they're doin' now!

Yeah.
(Don chuckles)

Don?

Look, I gotta talk to you about
somethin', it's important.

[Don] Important?

Okay, I'll meet
you this afternoon.

(Victor sighs)

So, that's it.

Fat Lucy would tear
that phony will apart,

so we're gonna have to
settle for 10 grand.

There's another way, Vic.

Sure, marry the old broad.

Victor baby, that's just
what you're gonna do

and I'll organize the whole
thing, for let's say, 15%?

What about my girl,
what about Betty?

Vic, we're talkin'
big time here.

I know (chuckles).

I love her.

What happened to
your other girls?

What went wrong there, Vic?

Was it money?

If you wanna keep Betty, you
gotta marry the old broad!

(car engine rumbling)
(birds chirping)

(dramatic music)

[Lucy] You're late, lover boy.

My offer just went down $1,000.

[Victor] The deal's off.

(door creaking)
(pensive music)

I know what you want,
you want more money.

How much?

Where's Thelma?

She's not home.
[Victor] Well, where is she?

Don't worry, she's
not cheating on you.

I've arranged for
her to see a doctor.

I want Thelma to live
to be a very old lady.

Don't you, Victor?

[Victor] You know,
you might find

this hard to believe, Lucy,

but I happen to
like the old girl.

Now, when's she comin' back?

Not 'til five o'clock,

and we have the whole
place to ourselves.

(pensive music)

(crickets chirping)
(gentle music)

[Betty] Why so quiet?

[Victor] I'm trying to
think of how to say this.

[Betty] Oh, Victor.

No, no, it's not what you think.

Look, I love you and
I wanna marry you,

but first I have to marry
that old lady first, okay?

Fine.

Then why don't you take me home?

Well, I'm doing this for us.
For us?

Yes, so that we can
have a big house,

all paid for and
money in the bank.

Victor, you're such a dummy.

We can have a big house
and money in the bank

but you'll have to work for it.

You're lazy, Victor,
that's your problem

and what does marry her
for a little while mean?

Are you planning on killing her?

Do you think that I could
do something like that?

[Betty] No.

Look, she's 75, she's almost 80,

she's got a bad heart,
lots of other bad organs.

And what if she wants
to sleep with you?

No, no.

That stuff's bad
for the heart, too.

I mean, if she really
wants to you know.

Take me home Victor.
No, you know

how temporary this is.

You know how much I love you.

You don't love me.

(gentle music)
(crickets chirping)

(Victor sighs)

I do love you.

It's poverty I hate.

(gentle music)

(engine rumbling)

Victor, I've got some bad news.

According to her doctor,

it looks like the old
gal is not gonna make it.

Really, what's
wrong with Thelma?

Well, a nurse said that she
could kick off from stroke,

heart failure, kidney
trouble any time,

and she's been passing blood.

Look, we're running
out of time, Victor.

First you gotta take her
down to the license bureau,

then you gotta wait three
days before you marry her,

and by that time
she'll start to smell.

Is any of this stuff contagious?

How would I know?

I'm only getting 15%.

Okay, this is Friday.

We'll get the license
this afternoon,

we'll get married on Monday.

You're really gonna do it?

Yep and if she goes as fast
as you say you get your 20%.

(organ music)

(dramatic music)

(Victor screams)

(birds chirping)

God it's me, Victor.

I'm gonna need your help.

I can't marry both of them, so
I'm gonna leave it up to you.

I'm gonna flip this coin, God,

and if it comes up heads,

then I'll know that you want
me to marry Thelma, okay?

(birds chirping)

God, I think that
this is important,

so I think that we should
make it two outta three.

I don't think that
you understand, God.

Thelma's a very sick old
lady and I can help her,

at least for a little while.

Look, I know you're busy.

I bet you overlooked
that, right?

So, we'll flip again.

Oh, yeah I know what it was.

I was thinking tails.

That's it.

I said heads but I
was thinking tails.

So, just to prove
it we'll flip again.

Why should I mix you up?
I know what you want.

I'll do it.

(crickets chirping)

Thelma, I have to
ask you something.

What's wrong?

I've just had this
letter from Lucy's doctor

and it says that
I'm mentally crazy

and can't look
after my own money

and she wants to put me away.

(Thelma sniffling)

Oh, Victor can she really do it?

I don't know.

But you are nearly 74.

They might think that you'd be
better off in a crazy house.

Oh, but I don't want
to go to a crazy house!

Oh, what can I do?

Well, they couldn't put you
away if you were married.

Married?

Yeah, sure.

You would have a husband
to look after you.

Victor, are you proposing?

(Victor exhales)
(crickets chirping)

Yes.

Victor!

(Thelma smooching)

Okay, okay.

We'll get the marriage license
and the blood test today,

we'll hide out for the weekend

and we'll get married on Monday.

Tuesday's Halloween
and it's my birthday.

I want to get
married on Tuesday.

It'll be good luck.

We'll do it on Tuesday.

Why do we have to hide
away for the weekend?

So that Lucy won't find us.

See, she's gonna try to stop us,

but by Tuesday
it'll be too late.

I know a great motel in Salem.

Come on, sweetheart,
it'll be romantic.

(Victor chuckles)

(upbeat music)
(sign creaking)

[Thelma] Hm.

Great, first I have your niece

to deal with, now this storm.

Oh, but Victor you're right.

This is so romantic.

Yeah and I have the
room right next door.

Next door?

You mean to say we've
got separate rooms?

Oh yeah, it's very
bad luck for the bride

to see the groom
before the wedding.

Oh, I'm gonna be alone
all the whole weekend?

No, not the whole weekend,
just Saturday and Sunday.

The phone is right there
if you need to talk,

and if you need
anything I'll be there.

(rain pattering)

Look Thelma, from now
on I'll always be there.

You're so sweet, Victor.

(rain pattering)

(Victor exhales)

Oh, hi.

Could you connect
me with 555-4410?

Thank you.

(gentle music)

Sweetheart, hi.

I've gotta talk to you.

Where are you?

[Victor] Well, I'm at
Cap'n Jacks in Salem.

Are you with her?

Thelma?

Yeah, she's right next door.

Then I'm sorry Victor,
there's nothing to talk about.

You've made your choice.

I hope you're happy.

No, no, no, listen!

Listen, I gotta tell-

(line clicks)

(phone thuds)

(rain pattering)

(frame thuds)

(phone ringing)

Hi, sweetheart,
I've gotta see you.

I'll be right over.

Thelma!

No, no, stay there.

But I thought you
wanted to see me?

I thought so too
but just hearing

your voice takes care of it.

Besides we can
talk on the phone.

We're doing it right
now (chuckles).

Victor, I don't like it here.

Yeah, neither do I but
just wait 'til Tuesday

and then we'll get
the wedding license.

And least then the
storm will be gone.

(dramatic music)
(rain pattering)

(phone ringing)
(dramatic music)

Hello?

Victor, you've
been gone all day.

Why did you take so long?

It's a hurricane, Thelma.

It's insane out there.

(gasps) Do you think
we're safe here?

I don't know, it looks
like the whole motel

is moving closer to the beach.

(Betty knocking)

I gotta call you back.

(gentle music)

Are you crazy, going
out in a hurricane?

Aren't you glad to see me?

(Victor sighs)

(Betty laughs)

Oh Victor, I had to see you.

Take this off, you
must be soaking.

(Victor chuckles)

You're wonderful (laughs).

Victor, are you-
Married?

No, not 'til tomorrow,
it's her birthday.

[Betty] And there's nothing
I can do to change your mind?

(Thelma knocking)

[Thelma] Victor!

Look, honey, you're a maid.

That's $225,000 coming
through that door.

Don't let me down.

(Victor exhales)
(rain pattering)

Victor!

I heard you talking to someone.

Yeah, well, of course you
heard me talking to someone.

I mean, you know,
look at this room.

I was yelling at
the nurse, maid.

Maid?

She's a maid?

Yeah, that's what I said.

I mean, you know
they must never clean

up around the day around here.

I mean, she's
probably a trainee.

I mean, look at this room.

[Thelma] That's not
what I came for.

There's a frog in my room
and I'm scared of frogs.

Besides which I
don't feel too well.

Frog!

(Thelma screams)

Oh my God, she died.

No, she's just fainted Victor,

but we should take
her to a hospital.

She has a fever.

Victor, I'm not
feeling too good.

Why is a maid taking
my temperature?

I want to go home.

Thelma, the maid thinks that
we should go to the hospital.

I'll go with you.

No, you go home.

I may need you there, I'll call.

(rain pattering)

It's gonna be all right, Thelma.

(gentle music)

You're gonna be all right.

Thelma, I'm gonna
take care of you.

(rain pattering)

(dramatic music)

(air whooshing)

(dramatic music)
(rain pattering)

Your fiancee?

That old woman is your fiancee?

Guard, get him the
hell outta here.

Go!

Let's go.

[Doctor] And if I see
him in here again,

shoot the son of a bitch.

Read my lips.

No!

Don, I'm not gonna
go higher than 25%!

(thunder booming)

Okay, buddy.

25%.
(dog howling)

Get on over here and bring
the marriage license.

What?

Oh, I left it at the motel.

I'll pick it up, I'll
bring it right over.

(thunder booming)
(dramatic music)

I've been waiting for you.
(Victor gasps)

Oh well, if it isn't Lucy.

How'd you find us?

Money, honey.

You can do anything with money.

Forget something, Victor?

Why don't you give
me that purse?

You can't have it.

What, you think that
I can't take that?

I think you should take
that up with Bruno.

Bruno?

(rain pattering)

(pensive music)
(thunder booming)

Victor, I'd like
you to meet Bruno.

(Bruno yelling)
(pensive music)

Bruno is sort of an electrician.

He's gonna put your lights out.

Did you get that, Victor?

Oh yeah, you're gonna get it.

Now, Bruno!

(dramatic music)
(air whooshing)

Ow, that was my leg!

He's over there!

(pensive music)

(Bruno yelling)

(men grunting)
(objects crashing)

(thunder booming)
(dramatic music)

Hiya!

(Victor gasps)

(Victor groans)
(pensive music)

(Victor yells)

(water splashing)

(dramatic music)
(thunder rumbling)

(Bruno yelling)
(dramatic music)

(cracking noise)
(water splashing)

(pensive music)

[Lucy] Did you get him?

No, he didn't.

Victor, you bastard!

(rain pattering)
(wind howling)

You should have got rid of this.

My leg!

You lousy pervert,
this is all your fault!

(dramatic music)
(thunder rumbling)

(water splashing)

(car engine revving)
(wind howling)

Give me a break!

(Don laughing)

Hi ya, Vic!

[Victor] Come on,
let's get goin'!

Hold on, there's a
hurricane comin',

I don't wanna lose my trailer.

Come on!

She's tied down
already, let's go!

Yeah, but I gotta put out extra
lines, my mother's inside.

Don, how much is 30% of 225,000?

68,000.

Where are we going?

To Thelma's house, it's
over near Quincy Center.

[Don] We're gonna need a rope.

A rope?

[Don] We can't very well
walk out of the front door

of the hospital with her.

We're gonna need a good rope.

How high is she?

Three stories, about 30 feet.

[Don] Okay, we lower her down,

drive off you get
married, simple.

(chuckles) Yeah, except
she's not allowed visitors

and if the guard sees
me I'll get shot.

Don't worry, that's the
second part of my plan.

(upbeat music)
(rain pattering)

And for this I get
68 grand, right?

Oh yeah, but there's one string.

Don't tell me, let me guess,

I've gotta stay away from Betty!

I don't want you talkin' to her.

That is one girl that is
not goin' in your scrapbook.

And another thing, I
don't like these tits.

They're too lumpy.

I'll find the tits,
just try the wig on.

(rain pattering)

Here you go.

(Victor sighs)

Now, here's how we do it, Vic.

If anybody stops us, we
just flew in from Texas

to visit your poor dying aunt.

Let's just hope the old
lady is still dying.

(gentle music)

You are a heartless mother.

Yes I am, but at
least I'll admit it.

I suppose you're
hoping she gets better.

(gentle music)
(rain pattering)

(upbeat music)

Whoa!

(thunder rumbling)

It's a few more miles
to the hospital,

do you think this
wreck will make it?

Sure it will.

I realize it's not a
new car like yours,

but then again I
haven't gotten around

to sleeping with any old
ladies yet (chuckles).

Look at this hurricane.

I don't think I've ever
been this close to one.

You know, I always wanted to
be in the eye of a hurricane.

All of a sudden its
quiet, no wind, no rain.

Why?

I don't know, just
to say I was there.

Hey, look at that!

Hey, forget it!

I just figured she
might be grateful.

And you call me a
heartless mother.

Well, maybe I am
but I'm paying you

a lot of money for
your cooperation.

So, for the next couple
of hours no booze

and no girls, okay?

Okay, okay, but maybe
I wouldn't be so horny

if you kept your dress
down and act like a lady.

"Heartless mother."

(engine rumbling)
(pensive music)

Now, remember just
like we own the place.

Why can't we use
the back stairs?

Stairs are for crooks.

We're gonna do
this the right way.

Hey, excuse me.

My wife and I are looking
for Thelma Marshal.

Thelma Marshal.

Yes, she's a patient
of Dr. Schwartz.

Oh, yes.

She's in the west wing.

If you'll follow me, please.

(eerie music)
(wind whistling)

Thelma?

Thelma?

Do you know who I am?

You know who I am now?

Victor, what happened?

We had to sneak him in.

The doctor thinks
Victor's a creep.

(rain pattering)
(thunder rumbling)

Get away from her,
you're scaring her.

We're gonna get you outta here.

(thunder rumbling)
(wind whistling)

Hey Vic,

this chick's dead!

[Victor] Was it us?

We haven't been here
long enough to kill her.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

We've got one more problem.

We can't just put the old lady
out the window in a storm,

she'll blow away.

Okay, so how do we get
her out of the hospital?

I'll go out and check the halls.

You get your
girlfriend ready to go.

Okay.

Look sweetie, we're gonna
get you out now, okay?

But how are you
going to get me out?

Oh, we're just gonna go down

the staircase or out the window.

Halls are almost clear,
we can take her out

the front door and
make a run for it.

(thunder booming)

(dramatic music)
(metal clanging)

(thunder rumbling)
(pensive music)

What are we gonna do now?

You were gonna back
me up, now what?

We can make a run for it, Vic.

Use the back stairs?

(thunder rumbling)

Why is it so quiet in here?

It's a cardiac ward.

It's supposed to be quiet.

I guess.

It's kinda spooky.

(pensive music)

Don, it's not quiet in
here, it's quiet out there.

Let's go.

(pensive music)

Even God wants us
to get married.

He stopped the hurricane for us!

God didn't stop the storm, Vic.

This is the one place
I always wanted to be,

the eye of the hurricane.

(pensive music)

What's going on here?

You're gonna kill her!

I'm going to get Dr. Schwartz.

(rain pattering)

It's okay, sweet face.

We'll have you down in a flash!

(rain pattering)
(wind whistling)

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)
(rain pattering)

(Thelma screaming)
(thunder rumbling)

(siren wailing)
(dramatic music)

Oh shit, it's Lucy!

Pull her back!

(gentle music)

Shut that window!

Dr. Schwartz is
coming with the guard.

They'll take care of you.

Poor woman.

Do you realize I have a woman
in the next room who's dying?

Well, do you realize you have

a woman in this
room that's dead?

Do you realize
it's quite possible

that you killed this woman?

She's been dead for hours.

Well, maybe you
didn't do this one,

but I've got one next door
who's receiving the last rites

and I know you're the
cause of that one.

The last rites?

Who's giving them, a priest?

Of course he's a priest!

Hey Vic, a priest
can marry people!

Where are you going?

(dramatic music)

(wind whistling)
(gentle music)

What are you doing?

Father, we need your help. We
have two people in this room

and they wanna get married.

Can you help us, Father?

[Priest] Positively not.

Hey, this is the Police
Department, open the door!

Tom, take it down!

(ax thudding)
(dramatic music)

Okay Mister, are you
gonna open the door?

(dramatic music)

There's nothing you can say.

Father, I've gotta
talk to you in private.

My friends just
wanna get married

and if you don't help them,

you're gonna need a priest.

You can't marry
them, it's not legal!

Dearly beloved.

(thunder booming)
(suspenseful music)

Will you Victor,

take Thelma to be your
lawfully wedded wife,

to have and to hold,

from this day forward
I'll get you,

you dumb barber.

in sickness and health
'til death do you part?

Will you Thelma
take this man Victor

to be your lawfully
wedded husband,

to have and to hold
from this day forward?

(all chattering)

(ax thuds)

I hereby pronounce
you man and wife.

(all cheering)

(organ music)

Woo hoo!

You're the best best
man in the world!

You're in for another 5%!

Is that all?

A lousy 5%?

Oh, don't worry sweetie,
it's all a mistake,

everything's gonna be all right.

(air whooshing)
(crutch thuds)

(pensive music)
(Victor thuds)

(Lucy laughing)

(thunder booming)
(wind whistling)

(gentle music)
(birds chirping)

[Thelma] Is there anything
in the mail, Victor?

More wedding congratulations.

Anything about us in the paper?

Oh, yes there is, in
the people's column.

Oh, here it is.

"Congratulations to
Victor Hertz, 35,

and the former
Thelma Marshal, 73,

who were married in Salem
Hospital one week ago today.

The trick-or-treat
couple (chuckling),

had a bridal shower provided
by Hurricane Gloria."

Isn't that cute, Victor?

(phone ringing)

Hello.

[Don] Hello Vic,
how's the newlywed?

Not too good.

That's funny, you
should feel great.

You're famous, you know.

I always knew you
were out of your mind

and now the whole town knows it.

Well screw everybody in town

and you too if that's
why you called.

No, I've got something
important to talk to you about.

(Don sneezes)

What's wrong with you?

I think I'm gettin'
the flu or somethin'.

That's great, why
don't you come over?

[Don] I'll be over
in a few minutes.

Bye!

Who was that?

That was Don, he's
coming right over.

Where's our checkbook?

Our checkbook?

Well, what does he want?

I have to write him a check.

I owe him some money.

Oh, well my checkbook
is in the bureau

in the metal box
with my other papers,

and don't forget
to bring my pen.

And oh, another thing I
wanted to talk to you about,

you're spending
far too much money.

I shall have to
not give you such

a big allowance if
you keep on like this.

Oh, and besides which,

your laundry bill is
getting very high.

I don't know what you're doing.

Oh, and by the way Victor,

I don't know why you're
using so much electricity.

Another thing too, there's
far too much hot water.

You know, all this is
costing me an awful lot

and I do hope you
understand this, Victor.

I'm going to cut
off your allowance.

You're really getting a
bit (speaking faintly).

Thelma, you're a liar.

What do you mean?

Why did you lie about your age?

Is that all?

Well, I always lie about my age.

Women are allowed to
do that, you know.

Yeah sure I know that
woman lie about their age,

but they usually say
that they're younger.

You said you were 74,

your birth certificate
says that you're 64.

Why did you lie?

Because I like
compliments, that's why.

(clock ticking)

What the hell does that mean?

Well, when people
ask me how old I am

and I say I'm 73 they
say how good I look

and I like that, that's why.

This is the thanks that I get.

You know, I thought that you'd

be grateful that I married you.

You married me because
you thought I was a goner.

Well, I'm gonna be here
for a long time, Victor.

(engine rumbling)
(birds chirping)

(car horn honking)

Okay, all right, calm down.

I think that Don's here.

Well, you go along and
play with your friend.

I'm going to have a bath.

(car horn honks)

(door latches)

[Don] Hiya, Vic!

Hey, come on inside. Thelma's
about to take a bath,

but first I want you
to kiss her hello.

You mean kiss her
goodbye, don't you?

Yeah.
Vic, sit down.

I wanna talk to you.

Yeah?

How's your mouth?

Four stitches, but it was worth
it to get rid of fat Lucy.

The cops arrested her.

That's swell, Vic.

Hey, listen let's go inside.

Thelma (smooching).

I can't do it.

I've done a lot of
crummy things in my life,

but I've never killed anybody.

I'll be damned.

The crookedest man in town
and now he finds religion.

What kind of hoodlums are
you hangin' out with anyway?

Vic, I wanted to talk to
you man-to-man about this.

Oh, you bastard.

Don't you remember
our agreement?

I told you to stay
away from her.

I know, Vic.

I just couldn't help myself.
- Oh, I can see it all now.

You marry me to the old bag

so that you can
move in on Betty.

It's not gonna work.

Betty thinks that
you're a creep.

Vic, we're getting married.

(solemn music)

What?

I knew you wouldn't believe
me, so I brought Betty along.

(solemn music)

You can have the money, Vic.

That old lady ain't gonna die,

she's gonna keep right
on havin' birthdays.

(solemn music)
(birds chirping)

Hello, Victor.

Hi, Betty.

I read about your
wedding in the paper.

You're famous, you know?

How's your wife?

Oh, fine.

I married her and
she's 10 years younger.

So, now you hang around
and wait for her to die?

What about Don?

You mean about us
getting married?

Mm hm.

He asked me.

What'd you say?

I said I'd think about it.

You're doing this
to get even, right?

No I'm not, Victor.

I need somebody and I
think Don needs somebody.

He's a liar, he's a thief,
he's a back-stabber.

I'm his best friend,
look what he did to me.

Victor, you haven't
seen the real Don.

He has a gentle side.

Yeah, he's also got an album

with all of the
girls that he's had.

You're not gonna be his wife,
you're gonna be number 87.

And if you think he's gonna stop

that close to 100 you're crazy.

Well, maybe he was a little
wild but people can change.

You changed.

Yeah, I sure did.

For the first time in my life

I realize the
importance of money.

Don doesn't have any.

No, and he never will,
he'll never have anything.

He'll have me.

(solemn music)
(Victor sighs)

Why can't you wait for me?

I love you Victor, but
you're a married man.

It's a funny world, isn't it?

Yeah.

Even a funny world has
its share of bad jokes.

(solemn music)

Goodbye, Victor.

(solemn music)
(birds chirping)

(car engine revving)

Oh Poopsie, I'm ready
to make whoopee!

(playful music)

(pensive music)
(engine rumbling)

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

Where is Victor?

I think your husband
just left you.

Oh, well.

I always thought he'd leave
me for a younger woman.

Come on, Thelma.

I'll walk you inside.

(gentle music)
(birds chirping)

You know Thelma, some people
just can't be trusted.

(gentle music)
(birds chirping)

(upbeat music)

* See that smarmy
little lizard *

* With the gold
'round his throat *

* Tryin' to reel-in that
stoned-faced brunette *

* Well if she
turns out the kind*

* Who'd be caught on his line

* I suppose she
deserves what she gets *

* Take that geeky
little nothin' *

* With his eyes on
that big blonde *

* Ain't got an atheist
prayer, you can bet *

* Don't make no point
for bein' eager *

* When you're just
a little-leager *

* I suppose he
deserves what he gets *

* It's a dance
that's been done *

* Since the clock
started runnin' *

* A system that's
flourished and thrived *

* Full of losers, and liars
and so many cross wires *

* It's a miracle the
species survives *

* See that streamlined
little redhead *

* In the strapless
back-less gown *

* Ain't got that one
quite figured out yet *

* Whether she's
dressed for depravity *

* Or just defying gravity

* I suppose she
deserves what she gets *

* Watch that slimy
little schemer *

* Put the moves
on that old dame *

* 'Til matrimonial
conditions are met *

* Thought she'd croak
and he'd be wealthy *

* Granny fooled him
and stayed healthy *

* Now you know he
deserves what he gets *

* Yeah

* Uh huh

* Yeah