Victor Victoria (1982) - full transcript

moviesbyrizzo

[AUTOMOBILE HORNS

HONKING]

CAB FARE, RICHARD?

NO. I'VE GOT TO PAY

SOME BILLS.

WELL, AT LEAST LEAVE ME

ENOUGH FOR BREAKFAST.

WHY, TODDY,

ONE WOULD SUSPECT

YOU THINK I'M MERCENARY.

TRY "UNSCRUPULOUS."

YOU GET

YOUR MONEY'S WORTH.

I'D SAY WE BOTH GET

MYMONEY'S WORTH.

LOOK, TODDY,

IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY

WITH THE ARRANGEMENT...

AS A MATTER

OF RECORD, I'M NOT.

BUT TO QUOTE

THE IMMORTAL BARD,

LOVE LOOKS NOT

WITH THE EYES,

BUT WITH THE MIND.

THEREFORE IS WINGED CUPID

PAINTED BLIND.

HAVE A NICE DAY,

TODDY.

I'LL DO MY DAMNEDEST.

[BELL JINGLES]

[WOMAN'S VOICE

SINGING IN DISTANCE]

♪♪ THERE PLANTATIONS

FULLY SHOW ♪♪

♪♪ ALL THE YEAR

WHERE CHERRIES GROW ♪♪

♪♪ ALL THE YEAR WHERE ♪♪

♪♪ CHERRIES GROW ♪♪

♪♪ CHERRY RIPE,

CHERRY RIPE ♪♪

♪♪ RIPE, I CRY ♪♪

♪♪ FULL AND FAIR ONES ♪♪

♪♪ COME AND BUY ♪♪

♪♪ CHERRY RIPE ♪♪

♪♪ RIPE, I CRY ♪♪

♪♪ FULL AND FAIR ONES ♪♪

♪♪ COME ♪♪

♪♪ AND ♪♪

♪♪ BUY ♪♪

AS YOU CAN TELL,

MONSIEUR LABISSE,

I HAVE

A LEGITIMATE VOICE.

YES, WELL, YOU SEE,

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING

A LITTLE MORE

ILLEGITIMATE.

OH, I'M SURE THAT

WITH A LITTLE PRACTICE--

LADY...

THAT IS LIKE

A NUN SAYING,

WITH A LITTLE

PRACTICE,

SHE COULD BECOME

A STREETWALKER.

AH. IT HAS TO COME

NATURALLY.

RIGHT.

IN SOME PROFESSIONS, PRACTICE

IS A MINOR CONSIDERATION.

SO TAKE MY ADVICE:

STICK TOCARMEN.

I AM A COLORATURA,

MONSIEUR LABISSE,

NOT A MEZZO.

WELL, WHATEVER YOU ARE,

ANDRE CASSELL SHOULD NEVER

HAVE SENT YOU OVER HERE.

HE DIDN'T.

YOU TOLD ME

HE WAS YOUR AGENT.

I LIED.

THANK YOU.

AND IN SPITE OF WHAT YOU

THINK, MONSIEUR LABISSE,

THERE ARE

SOME PROFESSIONS

WHERE PRACTICE

DOES MAKE PERFECT.

♪♪ AAHH! ♪♪

WHAT IN HELL

WAS THAT?

B FLAT.

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

[AUTOMOBILE HORN HONKS]

MONSIEUR LE DIRECTEUR,

SHE'S BACK.

WHAT?

HEY!

MISS GRANT.

[OUT OF BREATH]

YOU, UH, YOU OWE ME

2 WEEKS.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT,

HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

YOU PROMISED

TO PAY ME ON TUESDAY,

THEN ON WEDNESDAY,

THEN ON THURSDAY,

AND...

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT?

SPAGHETTI?

YES.

WITH MEATBALLS.

OH. I'LL SLEEP WITH YOU

FOR A MEATBALL.

YOU WOULD?

MISSED YOUR CHANCE.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

IT WON'T DO YOU

ANY GOOD.

I'VE BEEN IN THE HOTEL

BUSINESS FOR 20 YEARS.

I KNOW ALL THE ANGLES.

COME ON, GET UP.

GET UP.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'VE GOT

THE BUBONIC PLAGUE.

IF YOU CAN'T

PAY YOUR RENT,

I'LL CONFISCATE

YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS,

AND I'LL EVICT YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU MADE

A CERTAIN OFFER TO ME

WHICH I COULD NOT

REFUSE,

AND THEN YOU

PRETENDED TO FAINT.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

I NEVER PRETEND TO FAINT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I AM HELPING YOU

TO STAND UP.

THAT'S FUNNY. I THOUGHT

I WAS STANDING.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE

TO LIE DOWN.

YOU'RE CONFUSING ME.

I'M SURE WE CAN DO

SOMETHING ABOUT THE RENT.

WHATEVER

YOU MAY THINK,

I AM NOT

AN UNGENEROUS MAN.

AAH!

AAH! WHAT?

WHAT IS IT?

THERE!

WHERE?

WHAT?

THERE!

A COCKROACH!

OH! OH!

WHY, YOU...

AAH! I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T STAND

COCKROACHES.

AH, YES, ESPECIALLY

IN A HOTEL ROOM, EH?

ANYWHERE.

AND YOU WON'T TELL

THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH

IF I FORGET

YOUR RENT, EH?

I TELL YOU ONCE MORE,

I'M GETTING MY MONEY.

AND JUST IN CASE

YOU THOUGHT OF LEAVING US

DURING THE NIGHT...

OH, PLEASE DON'T

LEAVE ME.

PLEASE. OH!

[MUTTERING]

I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I'M DREAMING.

♪♪ WHEN PEOPLE SPEAK

OF GAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ THEY THINK THAT WHEN

THEY SAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪

♪♪ THEY MEAN

THAT GAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪

IT IS.

♪♪ NOT IN THE WAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ WAS GAY

IN YESTERDAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ IT MEANS TODAY

THAT GAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪

[PLAYS "DANCE

OF THE FAIRIES" RIFF]

NOTTHATGAY.

♪♪ THEY SAY PAREE

HAS ALWAYS BEEN ♪♪

♪♪ THAT WAY ♪♪

♪♪ ALONG THE BANKS

OF THE SEINE ♪♪

♪♪ JUST TAKE A WALK

NOW AND THEN ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'LL MEET

SOME INTERESTING MEN ♪♪

♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪

♪

♪♪ ALONG THE RUE MADELEINE ♪

♪♪ EACH EVENING

'ROUND ABOUT 10:00 ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'LL SEE IT

TIME AND TIME AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ IF YOU'VE A SOIREE

TO SPARE ♪♪

♪♪ GO TO

THE FOLIES-BERGèèRES ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'LL SEE

SUCH GAIETY THERE ♪♪

C'EST LA VIE.

♪♪ AROUND THE RUE

DES BEAUX ARTS ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE ALL

THE CABARET SHOWS ARE ♪♪

♪♪ I MEAN, WELL, REALLY,

THOSE ARE ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'LL AGREE ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT THEY MEAN

WHEN THEY SAY GAY ♪♪

♪♪ PAREE ♪♪

Richard: THAT'S TODDY

WARBLING AGAIN.

♪♪ THE FAUBOURG

SAINT-HONOR￩ ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE ALL

THE MILLIONAIRES PLAY ♪♪

♪♪ IS ALSO,

I'M SO GLAD TO SAY ♪♪

♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ THE RUE DE RIVOLI

ARCADE ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE FANCY GOODS

ARE DISPLAYED ♪♪

♪♪ THERE'S ALSO BOUND

TO BE ROUGH TRADE ♪♪

♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪

♪♪ AND IN

ARRONDISSEMENT EIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ THE CHAMPS ELYS￩ES

I WOULD RATE ♪♪

♪♪ PERHAPS THE ONE THING

THAT'S STRAIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ AS CAN BE ♪♪

Man: HEY, WAITER!

♪♪ AND AT

THE CAF￩ DE LA PAIX ♪♪

♪♪ IF YOU ARE

HEADING THAT WAY ♪♪

♪♪ THEY DRINK A TOAST

EVERY DAY ♪♪

♪♪ AROUND 3:00 ♪♪

♪♪ THEY MAKE

EACH MOMENT AS GAY ♪♪

♪♪ ASLE QUATORZE JUILLET ♪♪

♪♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN ♪♪

Man: HOW BORING.

♪♪ WHEN THEY SAY

GAY PAREE ♪♪

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE MOST KIND.

IN FACT,

YOU'RE EVERY KIND.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

I SEE WE HAVE A CELEBRITY

WITH US TONIGHT:

MISS SIMONE KALLISTO,

STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN,

AND AN OCCASIONAL CIRCUS.

TAKE A BOW, DARLING.

UP YOURS,CH￩RI.

AND SPEAKING

OF THE CIRCUS,

AREN'T YOU RICHARD DiNARDO,

THE WELL-KNOWN

TRAPEZE ARTIST?

CAREFUL, TODDY.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY

FUNNY, YOU KNOW,

SO WHY DON'T YOU

JUST PISS OFF?

AND YOU, YOU OUGHT TO BE

ASHAMED OF YOURSELF,

BRINGING YOUR

SWEET OLD MOTHER

INTO A PLACE LIKE THIS.

Toddy: AND NOW,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

YOU HAVE A DELIGHTFUL

SURPRISE COMING TO YOU--

NO! NO!

PLEASE!

[THUNDER]

THANK YOU.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[CONFUSED SHOUTING]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

BUT NOBODY

WAS SERIOUSLY HURT.

THAT'S WHY I'M ONLY

CLOSING YOU FOR A WEEK.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH

I WILL LOSE IN ONE WEEK?

A QUARTER OF WHAT

YOU'LL LOSE IN A MONTH

IF THERE IS

ANY MORE TROUBLE.

BAH!

[POLICE SIREN RECEDING]

YOU'RE FIRED.

I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

YOUCAN'T AFFORD IT?

WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT ALL THIS?

MORE ICE.

YOU COULD TAKE IT

OUT OF MY SALARY.

TODDY! GET OUT!

ALL RIGHT.

AND DON'T COME BACK!

IF YOU EVER SET FOOT

IN THIS PLACE AGAIN,

I WILL HAVE YOU

THROWN OUT.

DON'T MAKE IT SOUND

LIKE SUCH A THREAT.

BEING THROWN OUT

OF THIS PLACE

IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER

THAN BEING THROWN OUT

OF A LEPER COLONY.

OUT!

THANK YOU.

SOMETHING TO DRINK?

UM, COULD I SEE

YOUR WINE LIST?

WE HAVE A WHITE, 1934.

WE HAVE A RED, 1934.

LAST WEEK,

WE HAD SOME ROS￩,

BUT WE'RE USING IT

IN THE SALAD.

WHICH DO YOU RECOMMEND?

THE RED IS

6 CENTIMES CHEAPER.

I'LL HAVE THE WHITE.

I'LL BET YOU'RE

A ROCKEFELLER.

[THUNDER]

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

I THOUGHT MAYBE

YOU HAD A DOG.

"DOG"?

I'VE ONLY BEEN GONE

5 MINUTES.

I FIGURED SOMETHING

HELPED YOU EAT IT.

IT WAS DELICIOUS.

YOU WANT A SALAD?

LATER.

LATER.

THE CHICKEN

WAS SO GOOD,

I THOUGHT I MIGHT

TRY THE PORK.

DOES IT TAKE LONG?

ABOUT HALF

AN HOUR.

WHAT ABOUT

THE BOEUF BOURGUIGNON?

THAT'S READY.

I'LL HAVE THAT,

AND I'LL HAVE

THE SALAD AFTERWARDS.

YOU REALIZE,

OF COURSE,

YOU'RE ENTITLED

TO 2 SALADS.

COULD YOU PUT THEM

BOTH ON ONE PLATE?

THAT'S POSSIBLE.

TERRIFIC.

DELICIOUS WINE.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO

CHOOSE YOUR 2 DESSERTS?

APPLE FLAN

AND COUPE JACQUES

MIGHT GO WELL

TOGETHER.

JUST A SMALL COFFEE.

GOOD EVENING.

I HAD THE PLEASURE

OF HEARING YOU SING

THIS AFTERNOON.

OH, YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN.

I HAVEN'T SUNG

IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS.

YOUR AUDITION

AT CHEZ LUI.

UHH. THAT WAS NOT SINGING,

AND I WOULD HARDLY

CALL IT AN AUDITION.

I USED TO WORK THERE.

MY CONDOLENCES.

WELL, I HOPE

I HAVEN'T BOTHERED YOU.

I JUST WANTED

TO TELL YOU

THAT I THINK

YOU HAVE A LOVELY VOICE

AND TO SAY HOW SORRY I AM

THAT I CAN'T BUY YOU DINNER.

THANK YOU.

WHOOPS.

PARDON ME,

MONSIEUR.

COULD I HAVE A KNIFE

AND FORK, PLEASE?

EXCUSE ME.

WHY ARE YOU SORRY THAT

YOU CAN'T BUY ME DINNER?

CASS￩.

BROKE?

I'M ALSO CARROLL TODD.

"TODDY" TO NEARLY

EVERYBODY WHO KNOWS ME.

VICTORIA.

GRANT.

I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN

WHEN I'M FLUSH.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

PLEASE?

HAVE DINNER WITH ME.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW,

IT'S VERY STRANGE.

AT THE CLUB, I THOUGHT

YOU WERE JUST ABOUT

AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE.

I WAS. I AM.

THIS IS THE FIRST

DECENT MEAL I'VE HAD

IN ALMOST 4 DAYS.

AND YOU CAN'T

PAY FOR IT.

CASS￩E.

[CHUCKLING]

AND YOU WANT ME TO HAVE

DINNER WITH YOU?

I WANT YOU TO HAVE

THE BEST DAMN DINNER

YOU'VE EVER HAD.

HAVE 2.

I STARTED OFF WITH

THE ROAST CHICKEN,

AND I SEGUED TO

THE BOEUF BOURGUIGNON.

IT'S ANYBODY'S GUESS

WHAT I COULD END UP WITH.

OH, I'D GUESS

ABOUT 30 DAYS.

IF ALL GOES WELL,

I EXPECT TO LEAVE HERE

POOR BUT SATED.

I HAVE A...

A BUG IN MY PURSE.

AT THE APPROPRIATE

MOMENT,

IT GOES IN MY SALAD.

IT'LL NEVER WORK.

A BUG IN MY SALAD?

IN A PLACE LIKE THIS,

IT WOULD BE AN EVENT

IF THERE WASN'T A BUG

IN YOUR SALAD.

WHAT ABOUT A...

COCKROACH?

A COCKROACH?!

SHH!

BIGGER THAN

YOUR THUMB.

OOH, GOD!

WAITER.

TRY THE CHICKEN.

I REALLY

RECOMMEND IT.

UM...

THE BOURGUIGNON

IS JUST A LITTLE TOUGH.

MAYBE, THE WAY

YOU'RE EATING,

YOUR JAWS ARE

GETTING TIRED.

SPEAKING

OF OVERWORKED JAWS,

WHY DON'T YOU TREAT YOURS

TO A SABBATICAL

AND FETCH ME

A WINE LIST?

THIS IS ALL THEY HAVE.

THIS?

LAST TIME I SAW

A SPECIMEN LIKE THIS,

THEY HAD TO SHOOT

THE HORSE.

HOW LUCKY CAN YOU GET?

IN ONE EVENING,

A ROCKEFELLER

AND A GROUCHO MARX.

THEY DIDN'T SHOOT

A REAL HORSE,

JUST A COSTUME

WITH 2 WAITERS IN IT.

I SHALL THINK

OF A SHARP RETORT

WHILE I'M GETTING

YOUR ROAST CHICKEN.

IT'S A WISE MAN WHO KNOWS

WHEN TO THROW IN THE TOWEL.

AND IT IS A MORON

WHO GIVES ADVICE

TO A HORSE'S ASS.

[LAUGHING]

I MADE THE DRESSING

MYSELF

WITH THE LAST

OF THE ROS￩.

I'LL BET IT'S DELICIOUS.

I WOULDN'T BET.

GO ON, TRY IT.

I--I THINK I'LL WAIT

TILL THE BOURGUIGNON

SETTLES A BIT.

YOU DON'T HAVE

TO EAT IT.

OH, I WANT TO.

YOU WILL BE

THE FIRST TO KNOW.

YOU'D BETTER GO NOW.

I WANT TO LEND

MY SUPPORT.

OH, THAT'S LOVELY,

BUT IT'S MY COCKROACH

IN MY PURSE,

AND I HAVE TO GET IT

INTO MY SALAD.

I'M PERFECTLY WILLING

TO TAKE OVER YOUR SALAD.

YOU CAN JUST SLIP ME

THE PURSE UNDER THE TABLE.

LISTEN, YOU HATE COCKROACHES

AS MUCH AS I DO.

WHAT IF I MANAGE

AND YOU FAINT?

THEN IT'S POSSIBLE

I SHALL WAKE UP IN PRISON.

THEN I CAN'T

TALK YOU OUT OF IT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TIME.

NOW...BE CAREFUL

IT DOESN'T CRAWL OUT.

ANYBODY LOOKING?

NO.

I DON'T SEE IT.

HOW IS THE SALAD?

AH! UH...

HAVE YOU

TRIED IT YET?

NO. NO. I WAS, UH--UH...

JUST ABOUT TO.

WE WOULD LIKE ANOTHER

BOTTLE OF WINE.

WE'D LIKE TO TRY THE RED.

WAAAHHH!

CO-CO-COCKROACH!

A COCKROACH?

IN MY SA-SA-SALAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

IDON'T

BELIEVE IT.

ARE YOU IMPUGNING

THIS LADY'S INTEGRITY?

SHE'S IMPUGNING

MY SALAD.

OH, NO, NO. I'M SURE

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT

THAT YOUR SALAD HAD

A C-C-COCKROACH IN IT.

IT DIDN'T,

AND IT WASN'T.

I DEMAND TO SEE

THE MANAGER.

YES, SIR?

THIS LADY FOUND

A COCKROACH IN HER SALAD.

UHH!

SO I GATHER.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU

GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

I'M GOING TO APOLOGIZE.

MADAME, I REGRET THAT

YOU FOUND

A COCKROACH

IN YOUR SALAD.

I CAN ASSURE YOU

THAT IN THE 5 YEARS

I'VE BEEN RUNNING

THIS RESTAURANT,

THAT THERE HAVE ONLY

BEEN 2 OTHER OCCASIONS

WHEN CUSTOMERS

COMPLAINED

OF HAVING FOUND INSECTS

IN THEIR FOOD.

YOU SEE? IT'S

HAPPENED BEFORE.

ON BOTH OCCASIONS,

IT TURNED OUT

THAT THE CUSTOMERS

HAD ACTUALLY

PUT THE INSECTS

IN THEIR FOOD,

HOPING TO BLACKMAIL

THE RESTAURANT

AND THUS AVOID HAVING

TO PAY THEIR CHECKS.

UH...

SURELY YOU'RE

NOT SUGGESTING--

THAT MADAME IS TRYING TO

AVOID PAYING HER CHECK?

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

AND AS THE MANAGER

OF THIS RESTAURANT,

I HOPE MADAME

ACCEPTS MY APOLOGY

FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE

SHE MAY HAVE BEEN CAUSED.

THANK YOU. MADAME DOES.

NOW, THAT IS WHAT

I'VEDONE ABOUT IT.

WHAT AREYOUGOING

TO DO ABOUT IT?

I?

THERE IS STILL

THE MATTER

OFYOURCHECK.

MYCHECK?

THERE WAS NO COCKROACH

INYOURSALAD.

NO. I INVITED THIS MAN

TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME.

OH, I SEE.

AM I TO GATHER,

MADAME,

THAT, SINCE THIS GENTLEMAN

IS YOUR GUEST,

YOU DON'T FEEL

THAT YOU SHOULD PAY

FOR HIS DINNER, EITHER?

Toddy: I WOULD SAY THAT,

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,

THAT'S THE ONLY LOGICAL

CONCLUSION AVAILABLE.

Victoria: YES.

Manager: I WILL TELL YOU

WHAT I CONSIDER TO BE

THE ONLY LOGICAL

CONCLUSION AVAILABLE.

EITHER YOU OR MADAME

WILL PAY--

AAAHHH!

[MUFFLED SHOUTS

AND SCREAMS]

[THUNDER]

THIS WAY.

WHAT?

WHAT?

[PHONOGRAPH PLAYING]

Victoria: I WAS

THE LEADING SOPRANO

OF THE BATH TOURING

LIGHT OPERA COMPANY.

Toddy: YOU'RE VERY

ATHLETIC FOR A SOPRANO.

THAT'S BECAUSE

I HAVE 3 BROTHERS.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I GREW UP

WITH 2 OLDER SISTERS.

AH-CHOO!

BLESS YOU.

THANK YOU. AH-CHOO!

I THINK

I'M CATCHING A COLD.

[WATER SLOSHING]

DO YOU HAVE

ANY BICARBONATE?

TOP SHELF.

I HAVE THE WORST

HEARTBURN.

AH-CHOO!

[WATER POURING]

LET ME ASK YOU

A QUESTION.

YOU WANT TO KNOW

IF I'M A HOMOSEXUAL?

NO. I WANT TO KNOW

IF YOU'RE A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

[LAUGHING]

NOT NECESSARILY.

OH.

OH. WELL, MY HUSBAND WAS.

THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED,

HE GOT THE SHINGLES.

THE DAY WE GOT DIVORCED,

HIS ULCER PERFORATED.

[TODDY BLOWING NOSE]

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN

A HOMOSEXUAL?

HOW LONG HAVE YOU

BEEN A SOPRANO?

SINCE I WAS 12.

I WAS A LATE BLOOMER.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BATH

TOURING LIGHT OPERA COMPANY?

I GUESS

YOU COULD SAY

LOU CASSAVA TOOK FRENCH

LEAVE WITH THE BANKROLL.

LOU CASSAVA?

OUR STAGE MANAGER.

SAM PUT HIM

UP TO IT.

SAM?

MY EX-HUSBAND.

[SNIFFLING]

OH, GOD.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD

STAY IN BED

AND FORCE LIQUIDS.

THAT'S GOOD ADVICE

FOR A CAMEL.

YOU HAVE ANYBODY

TO TAKE CARE OF YOU?

OH, IT'S ONLY A COLD.

A COLD TONIGHT

COULD BE PNEUMONIA

BY THE MORNING.

ARE YOU SURE YOUR HUSBAND

WAS A HYPOCHONDRIAC

BEFOREHE MARRIED YOU?

I KNOW YOU THINK

I'M AN ALARMIST.

ONLY BECAUSE

YOU SOUND LIKE ONE.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

TO KNOW THAT WHEN

IT COMES TO YOUR HEALTH,

IT DOES NOT PAY

TO TAKE CHANCES.

THEN YOU CAN

STOP WORRYING.

WITH THE EXCEPTION

OF SAXOPHONE LESSONS

AND THE METRO, I NEVER PAY

TO TAKE ANYTHING.

KNOW WHAT

I'M GONNA DO?

WHAT?

I'M GONNA SEE

IF MY CLOTHES ARE DRY.

THEN I'M GONNA TRY

TO SNEAK BACK INTO MY HOTEL.

WHAT IF I WAKE UP

WITH PNEUMONIA?

WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE

TO COME AROUND EARLY

IN THE MORNING

AND CHECK ON YOU.

I COULD HAVE A RELAPSE

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

NO, YOU COULDN'T.

WHY COULDN'T I?

BECAUSE THE MIDDLE

OF THE NIGHT

WAS ABOUT

2 HOURS AGO.

OH.

[HUMMING]

Victoria:

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT?

OH!

WHAT? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

OHH.

IT WAS GUARANTEED

NOT TO SHRINK.

MY BEST DRESS.

LOOK.

LET'S SEE.

OH, THERE'S NOTHING

TO LET DOWN.

I CAN'T GO OUT

LIKE THIS.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT

THE COAT?

OH!

WHAT AM I

GONNA DO?

SELL MATCHES.

[LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLING]

[CRYING]

OH, POOR BABY.

I'M SORRY.

[CRYING]

THIS HASN'T

BEEN MY DAY.

GOD, THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES

I'D HAVE GIVEN MY SOUL

TO BE ABLE

TO CRY LIKE THAT.

NO.

I HATE IT.

YOU WOULDN'T IF YOU

COULDN'T DO IT ANYMORE.

WELL...

NOW...TOMORROW

I'LL GO OVER

AND PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES.

OH, THEY WON'T LET YOU.

THEY WILL IF I

PAY YOUR BILL.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

WHY NOT? THIS IS

THAT RAINY DAY

I'VE SAVED UP

A FEW FRANCS FOR.

HERE.

YOU KNOW

WHAT THEY SAY.

WHAT?

NEITHER A BORROWER

NOR A LENDER BE.

FOR LOAN OFT LOSES

BOTH ITSELF AND FRIEND.

EXACTLY.

YOU WERE WILLING TO

COMPROMISE YOUR VIRTUE

FOR A MEATBALL.

WELL, I WAS OUT

OF MY MIND AT THE TIME,

AND AT LEAST IT WAS

SOMETHING FOR SOMETHING.

ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL MAKE THIS

STRICTLY

A BUSINESS PROPOSITION.

I'LL CHARGE YOU

A WEEKLY INTEREST

EQUIVALENT TO THE GOING RATE

OF ONE MEATBALL.

AH-CHOO!

OH, DAMN.

TODDY, YOU'RE SWEET

AND GENEROUS--

EXHAUSTED.

HOW WOULD I EVER

PAY YOU BACK?

WELL, WE'LL

SOLVE THAT TOMORROW.

IN THE MEANTIME,

I'M GIVING THE ORDERS.

YOU'RE GONNA GET

INTO THOSE PAJAMAS

AND COME TO BED.

THERE?

WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME

TO THE SOFA,

BUT YOU HAVE

MY WORD OF HONOR

THIS IS MUCH MORE

COMFORTABLE

AND INFINITELY SAFER.

AH-CHOO!

OH, GOD.

THERE'S NOTHING

MORE INCONVENIENT

THAN AN OLD QUEEN

WITH A HEAD COLD.

[HONK HONK]

I WON'T BE LONG.

I RESENT BEING TREATED

LIKE A HELPLESS INVALID.

Victoria: OH, WILL YOU

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT?

NOW, I'LL CASH THE CHECK,

PAY MY HOTEL BILL,

AND BE BACK IN TIME

TO FIX LUNCH.

I CAN BLOODY WELL

FIX MY OWN LUNCH.

NOT WITH A FEVER,

YOU CAN'T.

WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE

I'VE GOT A FEVER?

BECAUSE YOU'RE

BURNING UP, THAT'S WHY.

I'M NATURALLY

WARM-BLOODED.

TO BE THAT NATURALLY

WARM-BLOODED,

YOU'D HAVE TO

BE A SAINT BERNARD.

YOU LOOK BETTER IN RICHARD'S

CLOTHES THAN HE DOES.

OF COURSE, HE LOOKS

BETTER OUT OF THEM. WELL?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU DON'T HAVE A FEVER.

IN FACT, YOU DON'T

EVEN HAVE A TEMPERATURE.

NOW, LEAVE IT THERE.

DOES RICHARD

HAVE A HAT?

IN THE CLOSET.

Richard: TODDY?

RICHARD.

GOOD MORNING, RICHARD.

YOU LOOK LIKE A RACCOON.

I CAME BY TO

PICK UP MY THINGS.

I THOUGHT IT WAS TO PAY ME

THE MONEY YOU OWED ME.

I DON'T OWE YOU A THING,

YOU PATHETIC OLD QUEER.

UHH!

YOU BASTARD!

GET UP!

YOU GET BACK IN BED.

Richard, weakly:

WHO WAS THAT?

NOW, NEXT TIME,

PICK ON SOMEONE

YOUR OWN SIZE.

OOH!

AND DON'T COME BACK!

GOD.

[MOANS]

OH...GOD, MY NOSE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

THERE WAS A MAN

WEARING MY CLOTHES.

I THINK

HE BROKE MY NOSE.

TODDY,

YOU'RE DELIRIOUS.

LOWER YOUR VOICE.

TODDY!

LOWER.

[LOWER] TODDY.

OH, CARUSO,

NOT CHALIAPIN.

IF YOU DON'T GET

BACK IN THAT BED--

OH, GOOD. WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY,

IT DROPS NATURALLY.

OH, MY--

THINK ANGRY.

OH, GOD!

WHAT AN INSPIRATION.

I'M GONNA GET A DOCTOR.

VICTORIA,

IT WILL WORK.

IF YOU LISTEN TO ME

AND DO EXACTLY AS I SAY,

IN 6 WEEKS YOU'LL

BE THE TOAST OF PARIS,

AND WE WILL BOTH

WILL BE VERY RICH.

VERY, VERY, VERY RICH.

BUT, OH, MY GOD--

THINK. NO MORE

BATH LIGHT OPERA COMPANY--

WELL, OF COURSE--

NO MOREMIKADO

AND SEEDY TENORS.

YES, BUT--

CAVIAR INSTEAD

OF MEATBALLS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO GET

SOME SCISSORS!

Toddy: PEOPLE BELIEVE

WHAT THEY SEE.

AND THIS AFTERNOON,

ANDRE CASSELL IS GOING TO MEET

EUROPE'S GREATEST

FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.

ANDRE CASSELL IS

THE BIGGEST AGENT IN PARIS.

IF I'M THE GREATEST, WHY

HASN'T HE HEARD OF ME?

YOU'RE THE GREATEST, BUT YOU'RE

UNKNOWN, EXCEPT IN POLAND.

POLAND?

YOU'RE COUNT GRAZINSKY,

POLISH ARISTOCRAT.

AND YOU SPEAK

VERY LITTLE ENGLISH.

YOUR FAMILY DISOWNED YOU WHEN

THEY DISCOVERED YOU WERE GAY.

OH, NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

WE MET IN WARSAW,

FELL IN LOVE,

AND I BROUGHT YOU

TO PARIS.

NOW, HOLD IT!

HMM? WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S RIGHT?

A WOMAN PRETENDING

TO BE A MAN

PRETENDING

TO BE A WOMAN?

RIDICULOUS.

IT--IT'S PREPOSTEROUS.

IN FACT, IT'S SO

PREPOSTEROUS,

NO ONE WOULD

EVER BELIEVE IT.

AND YET YOU EXPECT THEM

TO BELIEVE COUNT...

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

GRAZINSKY.

GRAZINSKY--

A GAY, POLISH,

FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.

DARLING, ALL ANYONE HAS TO

BELIEVE IS THAT YOU'RE A MAN.

OH, WELL...

TO CONVINCE AN AUDIENCE

THAT AN ILLUSION IS REAL,

THE MAGICIAN CREATES

A PLAUSIBLE DIVERSION.

COUNT GRAZINSKY IS

OUR PLAUSIBLE DIVERSION.

TODDY, NO AUDIENCE

IS THAT GULLIBLE.

THEY'LL KNOW

HE'S A PHONY.

RIGHT.

WELL?

THEY'LL KNOW

HE'SA PHONY.

Victoria: TODDY, I DON'T

KNOW HOW TO ACT LIKE A MAN.

CONTRARY TO

THE POPULAR CONCEPTION

OF HOW A MAN ACTS,

THERE ARE ALL SORTS

OF MEN

WHO ACT

IN ALL SORTS OF WAYS.

I MEAN, AS OPPOSED

TO THE WAY WOMEN ACT.

I AM PERSONALLY

ACQUAINTED

WITH AT LEAST

A DOZEN MEN

WHO ACT EXACTLY LIKE

WOMEN, AND VICE VERSA.

THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS

THAT ARE NATURALLY MASCULINE.

NAME ONE.

UM, UH,

PEEING STANDING UP.

OH. ON THE OTHER HAND,

THERE'S ABSOLUTELY

NO RULE

THAT SAYS

A MAN CAN'T SIT DOWN.

MEN HAVE ADAM'S APPLES.

SO DO SOME WOMEN.

NAME ONE.

NANA LANOUX. TAXI!

WHAT? NANA LANOUX?

WHO'S SHE?

THE LAST WOMAN

I SLEPT WITH.

WHEN WAS THAT?

THE NIGHT BEFORE

THE MORNING

I DECIDED

TO BECOME A HOMOSEXUAL.

VERY DASHING.

I CAN'T WEAR THIS

ALL THE TIME.

WHY NOT? YOU MIGHT

SET A FASHION.

DID MISS LANOUX

HAVE A BIG ADAM'S APPLE?

LIKE A COCONUT.

[TYPING]

GOOD MORNING.

WOULD YOU PLEASE

TELL MR. CASSELL

THAT CARROLL TODD

IS HERE?

WHY?

WHY?

IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN

APPOINTMENT WITH MR. CASSELL,

WHY SHOULD I TELL HIM

YOU'RE HERE?

BECAUSE

MR. CASSELL AND I

ARE VERY CLOSE FRIENDS.

AND IF YOU

TELL HIM I'M HERE,

HE'LL WANT TO SEE ME.

NOW, THAT'S NOT

VERY COMPLICATED, IS IT?

BEING A VERY

CLOSE FRIEND,

I'M SURPRISED YOU

DON'T KNOW

THAT EVERY

WEDNESDAY AT THIS TIME,

MR. CASSELL

HAS HIS HAIR CUT,

AND HE NEVER SEES ANYONE,

INCLUDING HIS

VERY CLOSE FRIENDS.

WE'LL WAIT.

YOU'RE WASTING

YOUR TIME.

OH, NO.YOU

ARE WASTING IT.

MR. CASSELL.

NO, MISS SELMA.

NO, I MEAN, I WISH

TO SEE MR. CASSELL.

NO.

I AM LECLOU, THE WORLD'S

GREATEST EQUILIBRIST.

ON WEDNESDAYS, MR. CASSELL

ONLY SEES GIANINNI,

THE WORLD'S

GREATEST BARBER.

VERY WELL, THEN...

[BOTTLE CORK POPS]

IF MR. CASSELL

CANNOT SEE ME,

THEN I

SHALL PERFORM...

FOR YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET OFF!

WILL YOU GET OFF?

GET OFF THAT DESK!

WILL YOU GET OFF?

OHH!

Toddy:

HELLO, ANDRE.

Cassell: TODDY,

WHAT THE DEVIL--

ANDRE, I THINK

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT

THAT YOU MEET

COUNT VICTOR GRAZINSKY.

WHO THE HELL IS COUNT

VICTOR GRAZINSKY?

SURELY YOU'RE JOKING.

THE COUNT IS

EUROPE'S GREATEST

FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.

I'VE NEVER

HEARD OF HIM.

AND IN ALL MODESTY,

IF I HAVEN'T

HEARD OF HIM,

HE CAN HARDLY BE

EUROPE'S GREATEST.

COUNT, WOULD

YOU DEMONSTRATE?

Victoria: CERTAINLY.

[VICTORIA

SINGS HIGH NOTE]

Cassell:

WHAT THE HELL?

COUNT, WITH YOUR VOICE

AND MY CONNECTIONS,

YOU'RE GOING TO GET RICH,

AND I AM GOING TO

GET RICHER.

TO A LONG AND PROFITABLE

RELATIONSHIP.

NOW, WHEN

CAN YOU OPEN?

WHERE?

HERE.

HERE?

[LOWERS VOICE]

HERE?

6 WEEKS.

EXCELLENT.

[LOW TONE] HERE.

♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO,

WAY DOWN-- ♪♪

TRY A TONE LOWER.

OK, UH...

[PLAYS LOWER KEY]

[LOWER VOICE] ♪♪ ABOUT

20 YEARS AGO-- ♪♪

NOPE. TRY A 1/3.

A 1/3?

UH-HUH.

[PLAYS LOWER KEY]

ALL RIGHT.

♪♪

[LOWER VOICE]

♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO--

PERFECT. IT'S JUST LOW ENOUGH

TO BE A TOUCH MASCULINE.

NOW, WHEN YOU'RE

DANCING, REMEMBER,

MAKE IT BROADER,

WITH TONS OF SHOULDER.

REMEMBER,

YOU'RE A DRAG QUEEN!

♪♪ WHEN YOU PLAY ME

LE JAZZ HOT♪♪

♪♪ BABY, YOU'RE

HOLDING MY SOUL ♪♪

♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪

♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER

IT'S MORNING OR NIGHT ♪♪

HE'S FANTASTIC.

Man: HE'S A PHONY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IF HE'S A POLISH COUNT,

I'M GRETA GARBO.

WELL, GRETA,

WHATEVER HE IS,

I THINK

HE'S DIVINE.

♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE

MY JAZZ HOT ♪♪

OH, GOD!

I'LL NEVER MAKE IT.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME.

FROM THE BEGINNING,

WE'VE HAD 2 MAJOR

OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME.

MY BOSOM.

FIRST, TO CONVINCE EVERYONE

THAT YOU'RE A MAN.

NOW, SO FAR

WE'VE DONE THAT.

IT'S BEEN

DAMNED UNCOMFORTABLE.

WHAT HAS?

STRAPPING DOWN MY BOSOM.

NOW ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO

IS GET OUT THERE

AND SHOW THEM WHAT

A GREAT ENTERTAINER YOU ARE,

AND YOU'LL BE A STAR

FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS.

OH, TODDY, IF I HAVE

TO STRAP DOWN MY BOSOM

FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS,

THEY'RE GONNA END UP

LOOKING LIKE 2 EMPTY WALLETS.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SIT UP.

THEN WHAT?

STAND UP.

OH, SIT UP, STAND UP,

THROW UP.

NOW, YOU ARE NOT

GOING TO BE SICK.

NOT IF I FAINT FIRST.

WE'VE GOT A FULL HOUSE.

I SENT OUT

300 INVITATIONS

AND EVERYONE'S

TURNED UP,

EXCEPT KING MARCHAN.

Victoria:

WHO'S KING MARCHAN?

AMONG OTHER THINGS,

HE HAPPENS TO BE

THE MOST SUCCESSFUL

NIGHTCLUB OWNER IN CHICAGO.

AND THE OTHER

THINGS?

OH, NOTHING WORTH

MENTIONING

IF YOU WANT

TO STAY ALIVE.

[FANFARE PLAYS]

[PLAYING JAZZ SOLO]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE NIGHTCLUB IS

PROUD TO PRESENT

THE ONE AND

ONLY...VICTORIA!

[APPLAUSE]

♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO ♪♪

♪♪ WAY DOWN

IN NEW ORLEANS ♪♪

♪♪ A GROUP OF FELLAS

FOUND A NEW KIND OF MUSIC ♪♪

♪♪ AND THEY DECIDED

TO CALL IT JAZZ ♪♪

♪♪ NO OTHER SOUND HAS

WHAT THIS MUSIC HAS ♪♪

♪♪ BEFORE THEY KNEW IT ♪♪

♪♪ IT WAS WHIZZIN'

ROUND THE WORLD ♪♪

♪♪ THE WORLD WAS READY ♪♪

♪♪ FOR A NEW KIND

OF MUSIC ♪♪

♪♪ AND NOW THEY PLAY IT ♪♪

♪♪ FROM STEAMBOAT SPRINGS ♪♪

♪♪ TO LA PAZ ♪♪

♪♪ OH, BABY,

WON'T YOU PLAY ME ♪♪

♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,MAYBE ♪♪

♪♪ AND DON'T EVER

LET IT END ♪♪

♪♪ I TELL YA, FRIEND ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S REALLY

SOMETHIN' TO HEAR ♪♪

♪♪ I CAN'T SIT STILL ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN THERE'S

THAT RHYTHM NEAR ME ♪♪

♪♪ ALSO, BABY ♪♪

♪♪LE JAZZ HOTMAY BE ♪♪

♪♪ WHAT'S HOLDIN' MY SOUL ♪♪

♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪

♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER

IT'S MORNIN' OR NIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ ONLY KNOW

IT'S SOUNDIN' RIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ SO COME ON IN

AND PLAY ME ♪♪

♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE MY ♪♪

♪♪ JAZZ ♪♪

♪♪ HOT ♪♪

♪♪ BEFORE THEY KNEW IT ♪♪

♪♪ IT WAS WHIZZIN'

ROUND THE WORLD ♪♪

♪♪ THE WORLD WAS READY

FOR A NEW KIND OF MUSIC ♪♪

♪♪ AND NOW

THEY PLAY IT ♪♪

♪♪ FROM STEAMBOAT SPRINGS

TO LA PAZ ♪♪

SHE'S A WINNER.

♪♪ WHEN YOU PLAY ME ♪♪

♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪

♪♪ YOU'RE

HOLDIN' MY SOUL ♪♪

♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪

♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER

IT'S MORNIN' OR NIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ ONLY KNOW

IT'S SOUNDIN' RIGHT ♪♪

♪♪ SO COME ON IN

AND PLAY ME ♪♪

♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE MY JAZZ ♪♪

♪♪ HOT ♪♪

♪♪LE♪♪

♪♪JAZZ♪♪

♪♪ HOT ♪♪

[WHISPERING]

Le jazz hot.

BRAVO!

BRAVA.

HA HA HA HA HA HA.

WATCH THIS.

OHH!

OHH!

IT'S A GUY.

YAY!

YAY!

HA HA HA HA HA.

HA HA HA HA.

YAAAYYYY!

EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.

PARDON ME.

PARDON ME.

EXCUSE ME.

PARDON ME. PARDON.

COME ON, DEAR.

I HOPE...6, 8 WEEKS.

HI.

[GIGGLES]

OH, I'M NORMA CASSIDY.

YOU WERE JUST GRAND.

THANK YOU.

OH, AND THIS

IS KING MARCHAN.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?

Norma: I GOT TO

ADMIT FOR A WHILE THERE

I WAS REALLY CHEESED OFF.

KING'S TONGUE WAS

HANGIN' OUT A FOOT.

THEN, WHEN YOU

TOOK THAT WIG OFF,

I JUST COULDN'T

BELIEVE IT.

KING STILL DOESN'T.

I'M FLATTERED.

I'M, UH, DELIGHTED

YOU COULD MAKE IT,

MR. MARCHAN.

OH, THANK YOU.

MAY I INTRODUCE

MR. TODD?

IT'S A PLEASURE.

UH, THIS IS

MISS CASSIDY.

AH, MADEMOISELLE.

ENCHANTED.

OH, UH, ME, TOO.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK

OF OUR NEW STAR?

HE THINKS

HE'S A PHONY.

OH, I THINKS

SHE'S VERY TALENTED.

BUT HE DOESN'T THINK

YOU'RE A MAN.

I'LL TELL HER

WHAT I THINK.

HER. YOU SEE?

NORMA.

WHAT?

MINGLE.

OH. SURE.

YOU CARE TO, UH,

CARE TO MINGLE

WITH ME, MR. TODD?

MISS CASSIDY,

EXCLUDING VICTOR'S

PERFORMANCE,

MINGLING WITH YOU

MAY WELL TURN OUT

TO BE THE HIGHLIGHT

OF THE EVENING.

HA HA. I JUST

LOVE FRENCHMEN.

OH, SO DO I.

I'LL GET YOU

A DRINK.

WELL, THANK YOU.

YOU WERE SAYING,

MR. MARCHAN?

WELL, I...

I JUST FIND IT HARD TO

BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE A MAN.

BECAUSE YOU FOUND ME

ATTRACTIVE AS A WOMAN?

YES, AS A MATTER

OF FACT.

IT HAPPENS FREQUENTLY.

NOT TO ME.

IT JUST PROVES

THE OLD ADAGE--

THERE'S A FIRST TIME

FOR EVERYTHING.

I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT YOU'RE

NOT 100% SURE.

PRACTICALLY.

AH, BUT TO

A MAN LIKE YOU,

SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES

HE COULD NEVER, UNDER

ANY CIRCUMSTANCES,

FIND ANOTHER MAN

ATTRACTIVE,

THE MARGIN BETWEEN

PRACTICALLY AND FOR SURE

MUST BE AS WIDE

AS THE GRAND CANYON.

IF YOU WERE A MAN,

I'D KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF.

AND PROVE

THATYOU'REA MAN.

THAT'S

A WOMAN'S ARGUMENT.

YOUR PROBLEM,

MR. MARCHAN,

IS THAT YOU'RE PREOCCUPIED

WITH STEREOTYPES.

I THINK IT'S

AS SIMPLE AS,

YOU'RE ONE KIND

OF MAN, I'M ANOTHER.

AND WHAT KIND ARE YOU?

ONE THAT DOESN'T

HAVE TO PROVE IT,

TO MYSELF OR ANYONE.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU'RE KIDDIN'!

YOU--YOU REALLY

ARE QUEER?

OH, WE PREFER "GAY."

OHH!

BUT YOU'RE SO ATTRACTIVE.

HA HA HA HA HA.

WELL, I THINK

IT'S A TERRIBLE WASTE.

OH, HA HA HA HA!

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

WHAT?

I THINK THAT THE RIGHT WOMAN

COULD REFORM YOU.

YOU KNOW,

I THINK THE RIGHT WOMAN

COULD REFORM YOU, TOO.

OHH! ME GIVE UP MEN?

FORGET IT.

YOU TOOK THE WORDS

RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.

NORMA?

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I STILL THINK

IT'S A TERRIBLE WASTE.

WELL, IF IT'S

ANY CONSOLATION,

I ASSURE YOU, IT

IS NOT WASTED.

OHH.

NORMA?

WHOA, JEEZ.

AU REVOIR.

ME, TOO.

COME ON, GET OUT

OF MY WAY. GO ON.

SEE YA IN CHURCH.

OHH!

DON'T EVER LEAVE ME

ALONE LIKE THAT AGAIN.

WHAT DID YOU THINK

OF KING MARCHAN?

KING MARCHAN IS

AN ARROGANT, OPINIONATED,

CHAUVINISTIC

PAIN IN THE ASS.

I THINK I COULD

FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.

I THINK I COULD, TOO.

I'M TELLIN' YA,

HE'S GAY.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.

WE HAD A LONG TALK.

THEY MET IN POLAND

OR SOMETHIN',

AND HE BROUGHT HIM

TO PARIS.

AND HE'S MAKIN' HIM

A BIG STAR.

THEY'RE LOVERS,

AND I KNOW WHY YOU DON'T

WANT TO BELIEVE IT. HA!

CAN I GIVE YOU A LIFT

TO YOUR HOTEL?

OH, THAT'S

KIND OF YOU, ANDRE--

WE'D BE DELIGHTED.

HOTEL?

WHY NOT?

King: I HEARD YOU,

NORMA, I HEARD YOU.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE SO BURNED UP ABOUT.

THANK YOU.

I MEAN, IT WAS A PERFECTLY

NATURAL MISTAKE.

KNOCK IT OFF,

NORMA.

WELL, SQUASH THOUGHT

HE WAS A WOMAN.

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

IT'S REALLY VERY FUNNY.

HE ISN'T BAD LOOKING,

BUT I KNEW HE WAS

A MAN RIGHT AWAY.

IT'S THE PADDING.

OH, I DON'T CARE HOW

CLEVER THOSE COSTUMES ARE.

I MEAN, THERE ARE JUST

SOME THINGS YOU CANNOT FAKE.

I MEAN, EVEN

WITH ALL THOSE HORMONE

SHOTS AND EVERYTHING,

A REAL WOMAN

CAN ALWAYS TELL.

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT

SAL ANDRATTI WOULD SAY

IF HE KNEW HIS PARTNER

FELL FOR A FEMALE

IMPERSONATOR, HUH?

CHECK UNDER THE BEDS?

YES.

NOW, I KNOW HE'S

SUPPOSED TO PROTECT YOU,

BUT DOES HE HAVE

TO STAY

IN THE SAME

SUITE WITH US?

I MEAN, I--I JUST

KEEP EXPECTING HIM

TO BREAK IN

WHILE WE'RE, UH,

WE'RE MAKIN' LOVE.

HE'D ONLY DO THAT

IF HE HEARD

SOMETHING UNUSUAL,

LIKE IF

I GOT EXCITED.

WHY, YOU--YOU TAKE THAT--

LISTEN TO ME,

YOU CREEP!

YOU MIND YOUR--

[MUMBLING]

[CRASH]

GOOD EVENING, SIR.

GOOD EVENING.

THANK YOU, ANDRE.

GOOD NIGHT, TODDY.

VICTOR,

GET SOME SLEEP.

TODDY, THIS

IS THE MONCEAU.

MM-HMM.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

UP.

ENTREZ.

HA HA HA HA.

Toddy:

THAT'S FAR ENOUGH.

TODDY, WHAT ARE YOU

UP TO? TODDY?

TA-DA!

[GASPS]

HOLYMERDE!

HA HA HA HA HA.

T-TODDY,

WHEN DID WE MOVE?

DURING DRESS REHEARSAL.

B-B-BUT WHAT

IF I'D FLOPPED?

OH, THEN WE WOULD HAVE

ORDERED A SUMPTUOUS MEAL,

CHARGED IT TO ROOM SERVICE,

DRUNK THE CHAMPAGNE,

COMPLIMENTS

OF THE MANAGEMENT--

AND JUMPED

OUT THE WINDOW.

WHICH IS WHY

I CHOSE A 3-STAR HOTEL

AND SPECIFICALLY

REQUESTED

ACCOMMODATIONS

ABOVE THE THIRD FLOOR.

MONSIEUR.

OH, TODDY.

OH, THE BATHROOM

IS A RELIGIOUS

EXPERIENCE.

OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

OHH!

WHEN CAN WE AFFORD

ANOTHER BEDROOM?

AS SOON AS WE'RE SURE YOU'RE

NOT JUST A FLASH IN THE PAN.

MY GOD!

BESIDES,

ONE BEDROOM, ONE BED

PROMOTES THE ILLUSION

THAT WE'RE LOVERS.

HA. IF FOR SOME REASON

WE DECIDED WE'D RATHER

SLEEP APART,

THERE'S MORE

THAN ENOUGH ROOM

FOR ONE

OF US IN THE BATHTUB.

YEAH. AND IF WE HAVE

AN OVERNIGHT GUEST,

HE CAN ALWAYS STRETCH OUT

IN THE BIDET.

I...LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, SIR.

HA HA HA HA.

OH...OHH!

♪♪ MM MMM ♪♪

[SIGHS]

[HUMMING]

HEY!

AREN'T YOU

COMIN' TO BED?

[INVITINGLY]

KING...

POOKEY...

YOO-HOO.

I'M HORNY.

OHH. OHH!

OK, ALL RIGHT.

♪♪ OH, GIVE ME A HOME ♪♪

♪♪ WHERE

THE BUFFALO ROAM ♪♪

♪♪ AND THE DEER

AND THE ANTELOPE ♪♪

♪♪ ARE GAY ♪♪

HA HA HA HA.

♪♪ WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD ♪♪

♪♪ A DISCOURAGING ♪♪

[BANGING ON CEILING]

♪♪ WORD-- ♪♪

OBVIOUSLY

A MUSIC LOVER.

I DARE YOU

TO HIT HIGH C.

WELL, I WILL

IF YOU WILL.

IF I COULD,

IWOULD BE THE STAR,

AND YOU WOULD STILL BE

TRYING TO SWAP YOUR VIRTUE

FOR A MEATBALL.

HA HA HA HA.

SPEAKING OF VIRTUE...

YEECHH.

WERE YOU SERIOUS

ABOUT KING MARCHAN?

WERE YOU?

I ASKED YOU FIRST.

THAT'S AN INFANTILE

EVASION.

OK. I FIND HIM

EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE.

CHECK.

IN FACT, I WOULDN'T MIND

HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIM.

I'LL BUY THAT.

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW...

PRETENDING TO BE A MAN

HAS ITS DISADVANTAGES.

MY DEAR COUNT...

YOU JUST SAID

A COTTON-PICKIN' MOUTHFUL.

POOKEY.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

[LOUD OBNOXIOUS NOISE]

IT HAPPENS

TO EVERYONE...

MEN, I MEAN.

WE'RE LUCKY...

WOMEN, I MEAN.

WE CAN FAKE IT

IF WE HAVE TO.

UHH! OH!

OH, DON'T

GET ME WRONG.

I NEVER HAVE

WITH YOU...

FAKED IT, I MEAN.

WITH YOU, IT'S...

IT'S LIKE, POW!

POW, POW!

LIKE THE FOURTH OF JULY,

EVERY TIME.

JUST TONIGHT, 'CAUSE

YOU COULDN'T GET IT--

UP TILL NOW,

IT'S BEEN GRAND,

POOKEY, REALLY,

REALLY GRAND.

AND IF THERE'S ONE THING

I KNOW FOR SURE,

YOU CAN'T

LET IT GET YOU,

YOU SHOULD EXCUSE

THE EXPRESSION, DOWN.

YOU CAN'T

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU JUST GOTTA

PUT IT OUT OF YOUR MIND.

I MEAN, THE MORE YOU THINK

ABOUT IT, THE MORE YOU WORRY.

THE MORE YOU WORRY,

THE MORE YOU THINK.

THINK, WORRY--

MMM, TOO SOFT--

WORRY, THINK.

IT--IT'S--

IT JUST GETS, LIKE,

A VICIOUS CYCLE.

AND THEN,

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,

YOU ARE IMPUDENT.

WHAT'S WITH THE SOAP?

Norma: AAH!

AAH! AAH!

LOOK OUT!

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

AAH!

NOW, NORMA--

AAH!

NOBODY PUTS

SOAP IN MY MOUTH!

NOT EVEN--

NOT EVEN MY MOTHER!

YOU'RE BEING

VERY CHILDISH.

I'M GONNA KILL HIM!

I'M GONNA KILL YOU, TOO,

YOU BIG MUSCLE BRAIN!

NOW, LISTEN, YOU HAVE TO

LEARN TO CONTROL YOURSELF.

AAAAHHH!

AAH! AAH!

OH, SHIT!

AAH!

THIS IS IT!

I'M GONNA--

AAH!

AAH!

[BANGING ON DOOR]

YOU AND YOUR IDEAS.

"WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HER

TO PARIS WITH YOU, BOSS?"

I JUST THOUGHT

SHE'D HELP YOU RELAX.

NEVER HELP ME RELAX.

WELL, THEN

SEND HER HOME.

WHY DON'T YOU EVER COME UP

WITH A REALLY GOOD IDEA?

FOR INSTANCE?

YOUSEND HER HOME!

HE THINKS HE CAN

JUST PUSH ME AROUND.

THINKS I'M JUST GONNA HOP ON

THE NEXT BOAT FOR THE STATES,

AND THAT WILL BE THAT.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT

ANOTHER THING COMING,

MR. BIG SHOT FAIRY MARCHAN,

BECAUSE MRS. CASSIDY'S

LITTLE GIRL NORMA

AIN'T GONNA TAKE

THIS ONE LYIN' DOWN!

OOH!

AAH!

[P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT IN FRENCH]

AND DON'T KID YOURSELF!

YOU AIN'T SEEN

THE LAST OF ME YET!

AAH!

[TRAIN WHISTLE

BLOWS]

ARE YOU OK?

[ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO

TO SPANISH DANCE]

♪♪ LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA ♪♪

[GUITAR PLAYS]

♪♪ LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA-AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH

AH-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ AH ♪♪

♪♪ LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ LA ♪♪

[CASTANETS AND ORCHESTRA

PLAY]

♪♪ THERE WAS ONCE

A SHADY DAME ♪♪

♪♪ FROM SEVILLE ♪♪

♪♪ USED TO WANDER

ROUND THE TOWN ♪♪

♪♪ DRESSED TO KILL ♪♪

♪♪ AND MEN

IF THEY DARED ♪♪

♪♪ STOOD AND STARED ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN SHE PASSED

THEIR WAY ♪♪

♪♪ THE LADY

KNOCKED 'EM OUT ♪♪

♪♪ THERE'S NO DOUBT

'CAUSE THEY'D SHOUT ♪♪

♪♪ OL￩ ♪♪

♪♪ ALL DAY ♪♪

♪♪ SEVILLE ISN'T THAT MUCH

TO SHOUT ABOUT ♪♪

♪♪ BUT WHEN SHE WAS OUT ♪♪

♪♪ TRAFFIC STOOD STILL ♪♪

♪♪ DRESSED LIKE A VAMP ♪♪

♪♪ OR A PAMPLONA TRAMP ♪♪

♪♪ SHE COULD STAMPEDE ♪♪

♪♪ THE MENFOLK AT WILL ♪♪

HEY, HEY, HEY!

HEY, HEY, HEY!

HEY, HEY, HEY!

HEY, HEY, HEY!

[DRUMROLL AND FANFARE]

♪

♪♪ ONE DAY CAME

A WORLD-FAMOUS MATADOR ♪

♪♪ RAT-TAT

AT HER DOOR ♪♪

♪♪ BEARING A ROSE ♪♪

♪♪ IF HE

DISTRESSED HER ♪♪

♪♪ DISTURBING

HER SIESTA ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S BEST TO SAY ♪♪

♪♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪♪

[TEMPO PICKS UP]

♪♪ THE REST OF THE TALE'S

NOT A PRETTY ONE ♪♪

♪♪ PITY ONE

ISN'T FOR SALE ♪♪

♪♪ ONLY 2 EARS

AND A TAIL ♪♪

♪♪ DID THEY FIND ♪♪

♪♪ BY THE BLIND

ON HER SILL ♪♪

♪♪ NO ONE KNOWS

WHAT BECAME ♪♪

♪♪ OF THE SHADY ♪♪

♪♪ DAME ♪♪

♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH

AH-AH-AH ♪♪

[CASTANETS PLAY]

[GUITAR STRUMS]

♪♪ LA-DA-DA ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH-AH

AH-AH-AH ♪♪

[CASTANETS PLAY]

[GUITAR STRUMS]

♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪

♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH-AH

AH-AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪

♪♪ AHHHH ♪♪

♪♪ AHHH ♪♪

♪♪ AHHHHHH ♪♪

♪♪ AHHH ♪♪

♪♪ LA ♪♪

♪♪ THE SHADY ♪♪

♪♪ DA... ♪♪

♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪

♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪

♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪

♪♪ A-A-AME ♪♪

♪♪ FROM ♪♪

♪♪ SEV ♪♪

♪♪ ILLE ♪♪

[GLASS TINKLES]

OH!

OH!

[POP]

♪♪ ILLE ♪♪

OL￩!

OL￩!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

BRAVO!

HA HA HA HA HA!