Victor Victoria (1982) - full transcript
In 1934 Paris, trained coloratura soprano Victoria Grant, a native Brit, can't get a job as a singer and is having trouble making ends meet. She doesn't even have enough money for the basics of food and shelter. Gay cabaret singer Carole 'Toddy' Todd may befall the same fate as Victoria as he was just fired from his singing gig at a second rate club named Chez Lui. To solve both their problems, Toddy comes up with what he considers an inspired idea: with Toddy as her manager, Victoria, pretending to be a man, get a job singing as a female impersonator. If they pull this scheme off, Toddy vows Victoria, as her male alter ego, will be the toast of Paris and as such be extremely wealthy. That alter ego they decide is Polish Count Victor Grazinski, Toddy's ex-lover who was disowned by his family when they found out he was gay. The Count auditions for the city's leading agent, Andre Cassell, who, impressed, gets him a gig performing in the city's best nightclub. In the audience on the successful opening night is Chicago nightclub owner and "businessman" King Marchand, a stereotypical macho male who falls in the love with the woman he sees on stage, which doesn't sit well with his current girlfriend, Norma Cassady. King is shocked to learn that that woman is a man named Count Grazinski. While King tries to reconcile his romantic feelings for "Victoria" (in truth, King doesn't truly believe the Count is a man), his business associates won't tolerate his change in sexual orientation. Although feeling emancipated being treated as a man, Victoria, as herself, in turn falls in love with King. To pursue something with him as a woman would mean giving up this lucrative career. But the career may also come to an end in a jail term if the authorities find out that Victoria and Toddy have committed fraud in this impersonation.
moviesbyrizzo
[AUTOMOBILE HORNS
HONKING]
CAB FARE, RICHARD?
NO. I'VE GOT TO PAY
SOME BILLS.
WELL, AT LEAST LEAVE ME
ENOUGH FOR BREAKFAST.
WHY, TODDY,
ONE WOULD SUSPECT
YOU THINK I'M MERCENARY.
TRY "UNSCRUPULOUS."
YOU GET
YOUR MONEY'S WORTH.
I'D SAY WE BOTH GET
MYMONEY'S WORTH.
LOOK, TODDY,
IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY
WITH THE ARRANGEMENT...
AS A MATTER
OF RECORD, I'M NOT.
BUT TO QUOTE
THE IMMORTAL BARD,
LOVE LOOKS NOT
WITH THE EYES,
BUT WITH THE MIND.
THEREFORE IS WINGED CUPID
PAINTED BLIND.
HAVE A NICE DAY,
TODDY.
I'LL DO MY DAMNEDEST.
[BELL JINGLES]
[WOMAN'S VOICE
SINGING IN DISTANCE]
♪♪ THERE PLANTATIONS
FULLY SHOW ♪♪
♪♪ ALL THE YEAR
WHERE CHERRIES GROW ♪♪
♪♪ ALL THE YEAR WHERE ♪♪
♪♪ CHERRIES GROW ♪♪
♪♪ CHERRY RIPE,
CHERRY RIPE ♪♪
♪♪ RIPE, I CRY ♪♪
♪♪ FULL AND FAIR ONES ♪♪
♪♪ COME AND BUY ♪♪
♪♪ CHERRY RIPE ♪♪
♪♪ RIPE, I CRY ♪♪
♪♪ FULL AND FAIR ONES ♪♪
♪♪ COME ♪♪
♪♪ AND ♪♪
♪♪ BUY ♪♪
AS YOU CAN TELL,
MONSIEUR LABISSE,
I HAVE
A LEGITIMATE VOICE.
YES, WELL, YOU SEE,
I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE
ILLEGITIMATE.
OH, I'M SURE THAT
WITH A LITTLE PRACTICE--
LADY...
THAT IS LIKE
A NUN SAYING,
WITH A LITTLE
PRACTICE,
SHE COULD BECOME
A STREETWALKER.
AH. IT HAS TO COME
NATURALLY.
RIGHT.
IN SOME PROFESSIONS, PRACTICE
IS A MINOR CONSIDERATION.
SO TAKE MY ADVICE:
STICK TOCARMEN.
I AM A COLORATURA,
MONSIEUR LABISSE,
NOT A MEZZO.
WELL, WHATEVER YOU ARE,
ANDRE CASSELL SHOULD NEVER
HAVE SENT YOU OVER HERE.
HE DIDN'T.
YOU TOLD ME
HE WAS YOUR AGENT.
I LIED.
THANK YOU.
AND IN SPITE OF WHAT YOU
THINK, MONSIEUR LABISSE,
THERE ARE
SOME PROFESSIONS
WHERE PRACTICE
DOES MAKE PERFECT.
♪♪ AAHH! ♪♪
WHAT IN HELL
WAS THAT?
B FLAT.
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]
[AUTOMOBILE HORN HONKS]
MONSIEUR LE DIRECTEUR,
SHE'S BACK.
WHAT?
HEY!
MISS GRANT.
[OUT OF BREATH]
YOU, UH, YOU OWE ME
2 WEEKS.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT,
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
YOU PROMISED
TO PAY ME ON TUESDAY,
THEN ON WEDNESDAY,
THEN ON THURSDAY,
AND...
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT?
SPAGHETTI?
YES.
WITH MEATBALLS.
OH. I'LL SLEEP WITH YOU
FOR A MEATBALL.
YOU WOULD?
MISSED YOUR CHANCE.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
IT WON'T DO YOU
ANY GOOD.
I'VE BEEN IN THE HOTEL
BUSINESS FOR 20 YEARS.
I KNOW ALL THE ANGLES.
COME ON, GET UP.
GET UP.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'VE GOT
THE BUBONIC PLAGUE.
IF YOU CAN'T
PAY YOUR RENT,
I'LL CONFISCATE
YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS,
AND I'LL EVICT YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU MADE
A CERTAIN OFFER TO ME
WHICH I COULD NOT
REFUSE,
AND THEN YOU
PRETENDED TO FAINT.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
I NEVER PRETEND TO FAINT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM HELPING YOU
TO STAND UP.
THAT'S FUNNY. I THOUGHT
I WAS STANDING.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
TO LIE DOWN.
YOU'RE CONFUSING ME.
I'M SURE WE CAN DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THE RENT.
WHATEVER
YOU MAY THINK,
I AM NOT
AN UNGENEROUS MAN.
AAH!
AAH! WHAT?
WHAT IS IT?
THERE!
WHERE?
WHAT?
THERE!
A COCKROACH!
OH! OH!
WHY, YOU...
AAH! I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T STAND
COCKROACHES.
AH, YES, ESPECIALLY
IN A HOTEL ROOM, EH?
ANYWHERE.
AND YOU WON'T TELL
THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH
IF I FORGET
YOUR RENT, EH?
I TELL YOU ONCE MORE,
I'M GETTING MY MONEY.
AND JUST IN CASE
YOU THOUGHT OF LEAVING US
DURING THE NIGHT...
OH, PLEASE DON'T
LEAVE ME.
PLEASE. OH!
[MUTTERING]
I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I'M DREAMING.
♪♪ WHEN PEOPLE SPEAK
OF GAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ THEY THINK THAT WHEN
THEY SAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪
♪♪ THEY MEAN
THAT GAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪
IT IS.
♪♪ NOT IN THE WAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ WAS GAY
IN YESTERDAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ IT MEANS TODAY
THAT GAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪
[PLAYS "DANCE
OF THE FAIRIES" RIFF]
NOTTHATGAY.
♪♪ THEY SAY PAREE
HAS ALWAYS BEEN ♪♪
♪♪ THAT WAY ♪♪
♪♪ ALONG THE BANKS
OF THE SEINE ♪♪
♪♪ JUST TAKE A WALK
NOW AND THEN ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'LL MEET
SOME INTERESTING MEN ♪♪
♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪
♪
♪♪ ALONG THE RUE MADELEINE ♪
♪♪ EACH EVENING
'ROUND ABOUT 10:00 ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'LL SEE IT
TIME AND TIME AGAIN ♪♪
♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ IF YOU'VE A SOIREE
TO SPARE ♪♪
♪♪ GO TO
THE FOLIES-BERGèèRES ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'LL SEE
SUCH GAIETY THERE ♪♪
C'EST LA VIE.
♪♪ AROUND THE RUE
DES BEAUX ARTS ♪♪
♪♪ WHERE ALL
THE CABARET SHOWS ARE ♪♪
♪♪ I MEAN, WELL, REALLY,
THOSE ARE ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'LL AGREE ♪♪
♪♪ WHAT THEY MEAN
WHEN THEY SAY GAY ♪♪
♪♪ PAREE ♪♪
Richard: THAT'S TODDY
WARBLING AGAIN.
♪♪ THE FAUBOURG
SAINT-HONOR￩ ♪♪
♪♪ WHERE ALL
THE MILLIONAIRES PLAY ♪♪
♪♪ IS ALSO,
I'M SO GLAD TO SAY ♪♪
♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ THE RUE DE RIVOLI
ARCADE ♪♪
♪♪ WHERE FANCY GOODS
ARE DISPLAYED ♪♪
♪♪ THERE'S ALSO BOUND
TO BE ROUGH TRADE ♪♪
♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ AND IN
ARRONDISSEMENT EIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ THE CHAMPS ELYS￩ES
I WOULD RATE ♪♪
♪♪ PERHAPS THE ONE THING
THAT'S STRAIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ AS CAN BE ♪♪
Man: HEY, WAITER!
♪♪ AND AT
THE CAF￩ DE LA PAIX ♪♪
♪♪ IF YOU ARE
HEADING THAT WAY ♪♪
♪♪ THEY DRINK A TOAST
EVERY DAY ♪♪
♪♪ AROUND 3:00 ♪♪
♪♪ THEY MAKE
EACH MOMENT AS GAY ♪♪
♪♪ ASLE QUATORZE JUILLET ♪♪
♪♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN ♪♪
Man: HOW BORING.
♪♪ WHEN THEY SAY
GAY PAREE ♪♪
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE MOST KIND.
IN FACT,
YOU'RE EVERY KIND.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
I SEE WE HAVE A CELEBRITY
WITH US TONIGHT:
MISS SIMONE KALLISTO,
STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN,
AND AN OCCASIONAL CIRCUS.
TAKE A BOW, DARLING.
UP YOURS,CH￩RI.
AND SPEAKING
OF THE CIRCUS,
AREN'T YOU RICHARD DiNARDO,
THE WELL-KNOWN
TRAPEZE ARTIST?
CAREFUL, TODDY.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY
FUNNY, YOU KNOW,
SO WHY DON'T YOU
JUST PISS OFF?
AND YOU, YOU OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF,
BRINGING YOUR
SWEET OLD MOTHER
INTO A PLACE LIKE THIS.
Toddy: AND NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU HAVE A DELIGHTFUL
SURPRISE COMING TO YOU--
NO! NO!
PLEASE!
[THUNDER]
THANK YOU.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[CONFUSED SHOUTING]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
BUT NOBODY
WAS SERIOUSLY HURT.
THAT'S WHY I'M ONLY
CLOSING YOU FOR A WEEK.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
I WILL LOSE IN ONE WEEK?
A QUARTER OF WHAT
YOU'LL LOSE IN A MONTH
IF THERE IS
ANY MORE TROUBLE.
BAH!
[POLICE SIREN RECEDING]
YOU'RE FIRED.
I CAN'T AFFORD IT.
YOUCAN'T AFFORD IT?
WHAT ABOUT ME?
WHAT ABOUT ALL THIS?
MORE ICE.
YOU COULD TAKE IT
OUT OF MY SALARY.
TODDY! GET OUT!
ALL RIGHT.
AND DON'T COME BACK!
IF YOU EVER SET FOOT
IN THIS PLACE AGAIN,
I WILL HAVE YOU
THROWN OUT.
DON'T MAKE IT SOUND
LIKE SUCH A THREAT.
BEING THROWN OUT
OF THIS PLACE
IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER
THAN BEING THROWN OUT
OF A LEPER COLONY.
OUT!
THANK YOU.
SOMETHING TO DRINK?
UM, COULD I SEE
YOUR WINE LIST?
WE HAVE A WHITE, 1934.
WE HAVE A RED, 1934.
LAST WEEK,
WE HAD SOME ROS￩,
BUT WE'RE USING IT
IN THE SALAD.
WHICH DO YOU RECOMMEND?
THE RED IS
6 CENTIMES CHEAPER.
I'LL HAVE THE WHITE.
I'LL BET YOU'RE
A ROCKEFELLER.
[THUNDER]
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU HAD A DOG.
"DOG"?
I'VE ONLY BEEN GONE
5 MINUTES.
I FIGURED SOMETHING
HELPED YOU EAT IT.
IT WAS DELICIOUS.
YOU WANT A SALAD?
LATER.
LATER.
THE CHICKEN
WAS SO GOOD,
I THOUGHT I MIGHT
TRY THE PORK.
DOES IT TAKE LONG?
ABOUT HALF
AN HOUR.
WHAT ABOUT
THE BOEUF BOURGUIGNON?
THAT'S READY.
I'LL HAVE THAT,
AND I'LL HAVE
THE SALAD AFTERWARDS.
YOU REALIZE,
OF COURSE,
YOU'RE ENTITLED
TO 2 SALADS.
COULD YOU PUT THEM
BOTH ON ONE PLATE?
THAT'S POSSIBLE.
TERRIFIC.
DELICIOUS WINE.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO
CHOOSE YOUR 2 DESSERTS?
APPLE FLAN
AND COUPE JACQUES
MIGHT GO WELL
TOGETHER.
JUST A SMALL COFFEE.
GOOD EVENING.
I HAD THE PLEASURE
OF HEARING YOU SING
THIS AFTERNOON.
OH, YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN.
I HAVEN'T SUNG
IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS.
YOUR AUDITION
AT CHEZ LUI.
UHH. THAT WAS NOT SINGING,
AND I WOULD HARDLY
CALL IT AN AUDITION.
I USED TO WORK THERE.
MY CONDOLENCES.
WELL, I HOPE
I HAVEN'T BOTHERED YOU.
I JUST WANTED
TO TELL YOU
THAT I THINK
YOU HAVE A LOVELY VOICE
AND TO SAY HOW SORRY I AM
THAT I CAN'T BUY YOU DINNER.
THANK YOU.
WHOOPS.
PARDON ME,
MONSIEUR.
COULD I HAVE A KNIFE
AND FORK, PLEASE?
EXCUSE ME.
WHY ARE YOU SORRY THAT
YOU CAN'T BUY ME DINNER?
CASS￩.
BROKE?
I'M ALSO CARROLL TODD.
"TODDY" TO NEARLY
EVERYBODY WHO KNOWS ME.
VICTORIA.
GRANT.
I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN
WHEN I'M FLUSH.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
PLEASE?
HAVE DINNER WITH ME.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW,
IT'S VERY STRANGE.
AT THE CLUB, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE JUST ABOUT
AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE.
I WAS. I AM.
THIS IS THE FIRST
DECENT MEAL I'VE HAD
IN ALMOST 4 DAYS.
AND YOU CAN'T
PAY FOR IT.
CASS￩E.
[CHUCKLING]
AND YOU WANT ME TO HAVE
DINNER WITH YOU?
I WANT YOU TO HAVE
THE BEST DAMN DINNER
YOU'VE EVER HAD.
HAVE 2.
I STARTED OFF WITH
THE ROAST CHICKEN,
AND I SEGUED TO
THE BOEUF BOURGUIGNON.
IT'S ANYBODY'S GUESS
WHAT I COULD END UP WITH.
OH, I'D GUESS
ABOUT 30 DAYS.
IF ALL GOES WELL,
I EXPECT TO LEAVE HERE
POOR BUT SATED.
I HAVE A...
A BUG IN MY PURSE.
AT THE APPROPRIATE
MOMENT,
IT GOES IN MY SALAD.
IT'LL NEVER WORK.
A BUG IN MY SALAD?
IN A PLACE LIKE THIS,
IT WOULD BE AN EVENT
IF THERE WASN'T A BUG
IN YOUR SALAD.
WHAT ABOUT A...
COCKROACH?
A COCKROACH?!
SHH!
BIGGER THAN
YOUR THUMB.
OOH, GOD!
WAITER.
TRY THE CHICKEN.
I REALLY
RECOMMEND IT.
UM...
THE BOURGUIGNON
IS JUST A LITTLE TOUGH.
MAYBE, THE WAY
YOU'RE EATING,
YOUR JAWS ARE
GETTING TIRED.
SPEAKING
OF OVERWORKED JAWS,
WHY DON'T YOU TREAT YOURS
TO A SABBATICAL
AND FETCH ME
A WINE LIST?
THIS IS ALL THEY HAVE.
THIS?
LAST TIME I SAW
A SPECIMEN LIKE THIS,
THEY HAD TO SHOOT
THE HORSE.
HOW LUCKY CAN YOU GET?
IN ONE EVENING,
A ROCKEFELLER
AND A GROUCHO MARX.
THEY DIDN'T SHOOT
A REAL HORSE,
JUST A COSTUME
WITH 2 WAITERS IN IT.
I SHALL THINK
OF A SHARP RETORT
WHILE I'M GETTING
YOUR ROAST CHICKEN.
IT'S A WISE MAN WHO KNOWS
WHEN TO THROW IN THE TOWEL.
AND IT IS A MORON
WHO GIVES ADVICE
TO A HORSE'S ASS.
[LAUGHING]
I MADE THE DRESSING
MYSELF
WITH THE LAST
OF THE ROS￩.
I'LL BET IT'S DELICIOUS.
I WOULDN'T BET.
GO ON, TRY IT.
I--I THINK I'LL WAIT
TILL THE BOURGUIGNON
SETTLES A BIT.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO EAT IT.
OH, I WANT TO.
YOU WILL BE
THE FIRST TO KNOW.
YOU'D BETTER GO NOW.
I WANT TO LEND
MY SUPPORT.
OH, THAT'S LOVELY,
BUT IT'S MY COCKROACH
IN MY PURSE,
AND I HAVE TO GET IT
INTO MY SALAD.
I'M PERFECTLY WILLING
TO TAKE OVER YOUR SALAD.
YOU CAN JUST SLIP ME
THE PURSE UNDER THE TABLE.
LISTEN, YOU HATE COCKROACHES
AS MUCH AS I DO.
WHAT IF I MANAGE
AND YOU FAINT?
THEN IT'S POSSIBLE
I SHALL WAKE UP IN PRISON.
THEN I CAN'T
TALK YOU OUT OF IT?
YOU DON'T HAVE TIME.
NOW...BE CAREFUL
IT DOESN'T CRAWL OUT.
ANYBODY LOOKING?
NO.
I DON'T SEE IT.
HOW IS THE SALAD?
AH! UH...
HAVE YOU
TRIED IT YET?
NO. NO. I WAS, UH--UH...
JUST ABOUT TO.
WE WOULD LIKE ANOTHER
BOTTLE OF WINE.
WE'D LIKE TO TRY THE RED.
WAAAHHH!
CO-CO-COCKROACH!
A COCKROACH?
IN MY SA-SA-SALAD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
IDON'T
BELIEVE IT.
ARE YOU IMPUGNING
THIS LADY'S INTEGRITY?
SHE'S IMPUGNING
MY SALAD.
OH, NO, NO. I'M SURE
IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT
THAT YOUR SALAD HAD
A C-C-COCKROACH IN IT.
IT DIDN'T,
AND IT WASN'T.
I DEMAND TO SEE
THE MANAGER.
YES, SIR?
THIS LADY FOUND
A COCKROACH IN HER SALAD.
UHH!
SO I GATHER.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
I'M GOING TO APOLOGIZE.
MADAME, I REGRET THAT
YOU FOUND
A COCKROACH
IN YOUR SALAD.
I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT IN THE 5 YEARS
I'VE BEEN RUNNING
THIS RESTAURANT,
THAT THERE HAVE ONLY
BEEN 2 OTHER OCCASIONS
WHEN CUSTOMERS
COMPLAINED
OF HAVING FOUND INSECTS
IN THEIR FOOD.
YOU SEE? IT'S
HAPPENED BEFORE.
ON BOTH OCCASIONS,
IT TURNED OUT
THAT THE CUSTOMERS
HAD ACTUALLY
PUT THE INSECTS
IN THEIR FOOD,
HOPING TO BLACKMAIL
THE RESTAURANT
AND THUS AVOID HAVING
TO PAY THEIR CHECKS.
UH...
SURELY YOU'RE
NOT SUGGESTING--
THAT MADAME IS TRYING TO
AVOID PAYING HER CHECK?
WELL, OF COURSE NOT.
AND AS THE MANAGER
OF THIS RESTAURANT,
I HOPE MADAME
ACCEPTS MY APOLOGY
FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
SHE MAY HAVE BEEN CAUSED.
THANK YOU. MADAME DOES.
NOW, THAT IS WHAT
I'VEDONE ABOUT IT.
WHAT AREYOUGOING
TO DO ABOUT IT?
I?
THERE IS STILL
THE MATTER
OFYOURCHECK.
MYCHECK?
THERE WAS NO COCKROACH
INYOURSALAD.
NO. I INVITED THIS MAN
TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME.
OH, I SEE.
AM I TO GATHER,
MADAME,
THAT, SINCE THIS GENTLEMAN
IS YOUR GUEST,
YOU DON'T FEEL
THAT YOU SHOULD PAY
FOR HIS DINNER, EITHER?
Toddy: I WOULD SAY THAT,
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
THAT'S THE ONLY LOGICAL
CONCLUSION AVAILABLE.
Victoria: YES.
Manager: I WILL TELL YOU
WHAT I CONSIDER TO BE
THE ONLY LOGICAL
CONCLUSION AVAILABLE.
EITHER YOU OR MADAME
WILL PAY--
AAAHHH!
[MUFFLED SHOUTS
AND SCREAMS]
[THUNDER]
THIS WAY.
WHAT?
WHAT?
[PHONOGRAPH PLAYING]
Victoria: I WAS
THE LEADING SOPRANO
OF THE BATH TOURING
LIGHT OPERA COMPANY.
Toddy: YOU'RE VERY
ATHLETIC FOR A SOPRANO.
THAT'S BECAUSE
I HAVE 3 BROTHERS.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I GREW UP
WITH 2 OLDER SISTERS.
AH-CHOO!
BLESS YOU.
THANK YOU. AH-CHOO!
I THINK
I'M CATCHING A COLD.
[WATER SLOSHING]
DO YOU HAVE
ANY BICARBONATE?
TOP SHELF.
I HAVE THE WORST
HEARTBURN.
AH-CHOO!
[WATER POURING]
LET ME ASK YOU
A QUESTION.
YOU WANT TO KNOW
IF I'M A HOMOSEXUAL?
NO. I WANT TO KNOW
IF YOU'RE A HYPOCHONDRIAC.
[LAUGHING]
NOT NECESSARILY.
OH.
OH. WELL, MY HUSBAND WAS.
THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED,
HE GOT THE SHINGLES.
THE DAY WE GOT DIVORCED,
HIS ULCER PERFORATED.
[TODDY BLOWING NOSE]
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
A HOMOSEXUAL?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN A SOPRANO?
SINCE I WAS 12.
I WAS A LATE BLOOMER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BATH
TOURING LIGHT OPERA COMPANY?
I GUESS
YOU COULD SAY
LOU CASSAVA TOOK FRENCH
LEAVE WITH THE BANKROLL.
LOU CASSAVA?
OUR STAGE MANAGER.
SAM PUT HIM
UP TO IT.
SAM?
MY EX-HUSBAND.
[SNIFFLING]
OH, GOD.
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD
STAY IN BED
AND FORCE LIQUIDS.
THAT'S GOOD ADVICE
FOR A CAMEL.
YOU HAVE ANYBODY
TO TAKE CARE OF YOU?
OH, IT'S ONLY A COLD.
A COLD TONIGHT
COULD BE PNEUMONIA
BY THE MORNING.
ARE YOU SURE YOUR HUSBAND
WAS A HYPOCHONDRIAC
BEFOREHE MARRIED YOU?
I KNOW YOU THINK
I'M AN ALARMIST.
ONLY BECAUSE
YOU SOUND LIKE ONE.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
TO KNOW THAT WHEN
IT COMES TO YOUR HEALTH,
IT DOES NOT PAY
TO TAKE CHANCES.
THEN YOU CAN
STOP WORRYING.
WITH THE EXCEPTION
OF SAXOPHONE LESSONS
AND THE METRO, I NEVER PAY
TO TAKE ANYTHING.
KNOW WHAT
I'M GONNA DO?
WHAT?
I'M GONNA SEE
IF MY CLOTHES ARE DRY.
THEN I'M GONNA TRY
TO SNEAK BACK INTO MY HOTEL.
WHAT IF I WAKE UP
WITH PNEUMONIA?
WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE
TO COME AROUND EARLY
IN THE MORNING
AND CHECK ON YOU.
I COULD HAVE A RELAPSE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
NO, YOU COULDN'T.
WHY COULDN'T I?
BECAUSE THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT
WAS ABOUT
2 HOURS AGO.
OH.
[HUMMING]
Victoria:
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT?
OH!
WHAT? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
OHH.
IT WAS GUARANTEED
NOT TO SHRINK.
MY BEST DRESS.
LOOK.
LET'S SEE.
OH, THERE'S NOTHING
TO LET DOWN.
I CAN'T GO OUT
LIKE THIS.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
THE COAT?
OH!
WHAT AM I
GONNA DO?
SELL MATCHES.
[LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLING]
[CRYING]
OH, POOR BABY.
I'M SORRY.
[CRYING]
THIS HASN'T
BEEN MY DAY.
GOD, THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES
I'D HAVE GIVEN MY SOUL
TO BE ABLE
TO CRY LIKE THAT.
NO.
I HATE IT.
YOU WOULDN'T IF YOU
COULDN'T DO IT ANYMORE.
WELL...
NOW...TOMORROW
I'LL GO OVER
AND PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES.
OH, THEY WON'T LET YOU.
THEY WILL IF I
PAY YOUR BILL.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
WHY NOT? THIS IS
THAT RAINY DAY
I'VE SAVED UP
A FEW FRANCS FOR.
HERE.
YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY SAY.
WHAT?
NEITHER A BORROWER
NOR A LENDER BE.
FOR LOAN OFT LOSES
BOTH ITSELF AND FRIEND.
EXACTLY.
YOU WERE WILLING TO
COMPROMISE YOUR VIRTUE
FOR A MEATBALL.
WELL, I WAS OUT
OF MY MIND AT THE TIME,
AND AT LEAST IT WAS
SOMETHING FOR SOMETHING.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL MAKE THIS
STRICTLY
A BUSINESS PROPOSITION.
I'LL CHARGE YOU
A WEEKLY INTEREST
EQUIVALENT TO THE GOING RATE
OF ONE MEATBALL.
AH-CHOO!
OH, DAMN.
TODDY, YOU'RE SWEET
AND GENEROUS--
EXHAUSTED.
HOW WOULD I EVER
PAY YOU BACK?
WELL, WE'LL
SOLVE THAT TOMORROW.
IN THE MEANTIME,
I'M GIVING THE ORDERS.
YOU'RE GONNA GET
INTO THOSE PAJAMAS
AND COME TO BED.
THERE?
WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME
TO THE SOFA,
BUT YOU HAVE
MY WORD OF HONOR
THIS IS MUCH MORE
COMFORTABLE
AND INFINITELY SAFER.
AH-CHOO!
OH, GOD.
THERE'S NOTHING
MORE INCONVENIENT
THAN AN OLD QUEEN
WITH A HEAD COLD.
[HONK HONK]
I WON'T BE LONG.
I RESENT BEING TREATED
LIKE A HELPLESS INVALID.
Victoria: OH, WILL YOU
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT?
NOW, I'LL CASH THE CHECK,
PAY MY HOTEL BILL,
AND BE BACK IN TIME
TO FIX LUNCH.
I CAN BLOODY WELL
FIX MY OWN LUNCH.
NOT WITH A FEVER,
YOU CAN'T.
WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE
I'VE GOT A FEVER?
BECAUSE YOU'RE
BURNING UP, THAT'S WHY.
I'M NATURALLY
WARM-BLOODED.
TO BE THAT NATURALLY
WARM-BLOODED,
YOU'D HAVE TO
BE A SAINT BERNARD.
YOU LOOK BETTER IN RICHARD'S
CLOTHES THAN HE DOES.
OF COURSE, HE LOOKS
BETTER OUT OF THEM. WELL?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE A FEVER.
IN FACT, YOU DON'T
EVEN HAVE A TEMPERATURE.
NOW, LEAVE IT THERE.
DOES RICHARD
HAVE A HAT?
IN THE CLOSET.
Richard: TODDY?
RICHARD.
GOOD MORNING, RICHARD.
YOU LOOK LIKE A RACCOON.
I CAME BY TO
PICK UP MY THINGS.
I THOUGHT IT WAS TO PAY ME
THE MONEY YOU OWED ME.
I DON'T OWE YOU A THING,
YOU PATHETIC OLD QUEER.
UHH!
YOU BASTARD!
GET UP!
YOU GET BACK IN BED.
Richard, weakly:
WHO WAS THAT?
NOW, NEXT TIME,
PICK ON SOMEONE
YOUR OWN SIZE.
OOH!
AND DON'T COME BACK!
GOD.
[MOANS]
OH...GOD, MY NOSE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
THERE WAS A MAN
WEARING MY CLOTHES.
I THINK
HE BROKE MY NOSE.
TODDY,
YOU'RE DELIRIOUS.
LOWER YOUR VOICE.
TODDY!
LOWER.
[LOWER] TODDY.
OH, CARUSO,
NOT CHALIAPIN.
IF YOU DON'T GET
BACK IN THAT BED--
OH, GOOD. WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY,
IT DROPS NATURALLY.
OH, MY--
THINK ANGRY.
OH, GOD!
WHAT AN INSPIRATION.
I'M GONNA GET A DOCTOR.
VICTORIA,
IT WILL WORK.
IF YOU LISTEN TO ME
AND DO EXACTLY AS I SAY,
IN 6 WEEKS YOU'LL
BE THE TOAST OF PARIS,
AND WE WILL BOTH
WILL BE VERY RICH.
VERY, VERY, VERY RICH.
BUT, OH, MY GOD--
THINK. NO MORE
BATH LIGHT OPERA COMPANY--
WELL, OF COURSE--
NO MOREMIKADO
AND SEEDY TENORS.
YES, BUT--
CAVIAR INSTEAD
OF MEATBALLS.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO GET
SOME SCISSORS!
Toddy: PEOPLE BELIEVE
WHAT THEY SEE.
AND THIS AFTERNOON,
ANDRE CASSELL IS GOING TO MEET
EUROPE'S GREATEST
FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.
ANDRE CASSELL IS
THE BIGGEST AGENT IN PARIS.
IF I'M THE GREATEST, WHY
HASN'T HE HEARD OF ME?
YOU'RE THE GREATEST, BUT YOU'RE
UNKNOWN, EXCEPT IN POLAND.
POLAND?
YOU'RE COUNT GRAZINSKY,
POLISH ARISTOCRAT.
AND YOU SPEAK
VERY LITTLE ENGLISH.
YOUR FAMILY DISOWNED YOU WHEN
THEY DISCOVERED YOU WERE GAY.
OH, NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
WE MET IN WARSAW,
FELL IN LOVE,
AND I BROUGHT YOU
TO PARIS.
NOW, HOLD IT!
HMM? WHAT'S WRONG?
WHAT'S WRONG?
WHAT'S RIGHT?
A WOMAN PRETENDING
TO BE A MAN
PRETENDING
TO BE A WOMAN?
RIDICULOUS.
IT--IT'S PREPOSTEROUS.
IN FACT, IT'S SO
PREPOSTEROUS,
NO ONE WOULD
EVER BELIEVE IT.
AND YET YOU EXPECT THEM
TO BELIEVE COUNT...
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
GRAZINSKY.
GRAZINSKY--
A GAY, POLISH,
FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.
DARLING, ALL ANYONE HAS TO
BELIEVE IS THAT YOU'RE A MAN.
OH, WELL...
TO CONVINCE AN AUDIENCE
THAT AN ILLUSION IS REAL,
THE MAGICIAN CREATES
A PLAUSIBLE DIVERSION.
COUNT GRAZINSKY IS
OUR PLAUSIBLE DIVERSION.
TODDY, NO AUDIENCE
IS THAT GULLIBLE.
THEY'LL KNOW
HE'S A PHONY.
RIGHT.
WELL?
THEY'LL KNOW
HE'SA PHONY.
Victoria: TODDY, I DON'T
KNOW HOW TO ACT LIKE A MAN.
CONTRARY TO
THE POPULAR CONCEPTION
OF HOW A MAN ACTS,
THERE ARE ALL SORTS
OF MEN
WHO ACT
IN ALL SORTS OF WAYS.
I MEAN, AS OPPOSED
TO THE WAY WOMEN ACT.
I AM PERSONALLY
ACQUAINTED
WITH AT LEAST
A DOZEN MEN
WHO ACT EXACTLY LIKE
WOMEN, AND VICE VERSA.
THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS
THAT ARE NATURALLY MASCULINE.
NAME ONE.
UM, UH,
PEEING STANDING UP.
OH. ON THE OTHER HAND,
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NO RULE
THAT SAYS
A MAN CAN'T SIT DOWN.
MEN HAVE ADAM'S APPLES.
SO DO SOME WOMEN.
NAME ONE.
NANA LANOUX. TAXI!
WHAT? NANA LANOUX?
WHO'S SHE?
THE LAST WOMAN
I SLEPT WITH.
WHEN WAS THAT?
THE NIGHT BEFORE
THE MORNING
I DECIDED
TO BECOME A HOMOSEXUAL.
VERY DASHING.
I CAN'T WEAR THIS
ALL THE TIME.
WHY NOT? YOU MIGHT
SET A FASHION.
DID MISS LANOUX
HAVE A BIG ADAM'S APPLE?
LIKE A COCONUT.
[TYPING]
GOOD MORNING.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
TELL MR. CASSELL
THAT CARROLL TODD
IS HERE?
WHY?
WHY?
IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN
APPOINTMENT WITH MR. CASSELL,
WHY SHOULD I TELL HIM
YOU'RE HERE?
BECAUSE
MR. CASSELL AND I
ARE VERY CLOSE FRIENDS.
AND IF YOU
TELL HIM I'M HERE,
HE'LL WANT TO SEE ME.
NOW, THAT'S NOT
VERY COMPLICATED, IS IT?
BEING A VERY
CLOSE FRIEND,
I'M SURPRISED YOU
DON'T KNOW
THAT EVERY
WEDNESDAY AT THIS TIME,
MR. CASSELL
HAS HIS HAIR CUT,
AND HE NEVER SEES ANYONE,
INCLUDING HIS
VERY CLOSE FRIENDS.
WE'LL WAIT.
YOU'RE WASTING
YOUR TIME.
OH, NO.YOU
ARE WASTING IT.
MR. CASSELL.
NO, MISS SELMA.
NO, I MEAN, I WISH
TO SEE MR. CASSELL.
NO.
I AM LECLOU, THE WORLD'S
GREATEST EQUILIBRIST.
ON WEDNESDAYS, MR. CASSELL
ONLY SEES GIANINNI,
THE WORLD'S
GREATEST BARBER.
VERY WELL, THEN...
[BOTTLE CORK POPS]
IF MR. CASSELL
CANNOT SEE ME,
THEN I
SHALL PERFORM...
FOR YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET OFF!
WILL YOU GET OFF?
GET OFF THAT DESK!
WILL YOU GET OFF?
OHH!
Toddy:
HELLO, ANDRE.
Cassell: TODDY,
WHAT THE DEVIL--
ANDRE, I THINK
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT
THAT YOU MEET
COUNT VICTOR GRAZINSKY.
WHO THE HELL IS COUNT
VICTOR GRAZINSKY?
SURELY YOU'RE JOKING.
THE COUNT IS
EUROPE'S GREATEST
FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.
I'VE NEVER
HEARD OF HIM.
AND IN ALL MODESTY,
IF I HAVEN'T
HEARD OF HIM,
HE CAN HARDLY BE
EUROPE'S GREATEST.
COUNT, WOULD
YOU DEMONSTRATE?
Victoria: CERTAINLY.
[VICTORIA
SINGS HIGH NOTE]
Cassell:
WHAT THE HELL?
COUNT, WITH YOUR VOICE
AND MY CONNECTIONS,
YOU'RE GOING TO GET RICH,
AND I AM GOING TO
GET RICHER.
TO A LONG AND PROFITABLE
RELATIONSHIP.
NOW, WHEN
CAN YOU OPEN?
WHERE?
HERE.
HERE?
[LOWERS VOICE]
HERE?
6 WEEKS.
EXCELLENT.
[LOW TONE] HERE.
♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO,
WAY DOWN-- ♪♪
TRY A TONE LOWER.
OK, UH...
[PLAYS LOWER KEY]
[LOWER VOICE] ♪♪ ABOUT
20 YEARS AGO-- ♪♪
NOPE. TRY A 1/3.
A 1/3?
UH-HUH.
[PLAYS LOWER KEY]
ALL RIGHT.
♪♪
[LOWER VOICE]
♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO--
PERFECT. IT'S JUST LOW ENOUGH
TO BE A TOUCH MASCULINE.
NOW, WHEN YOU'RE
DANCING, REMEMBER,
MAKE IT BROADER,
WITH TONS OF SHOULDER.
REMEMBER,
YOU'RE A DRAG QUEEN!
♪♪ WHEN YOU PLAY ME
LE JAZZ HOT♪♪
♪♪ BABY, YOU'RE
HOLDING MY SOUL ♪♪
♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER
IT'S MORNING OR NIGHT ♪♪
HE'S FANTASTIC.
Man: HE'S A PHONY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IF HE'S A POLISH COUNT,
I'M GRETA GARBO.
WELL, GRETA,
WHATEVER HE IS,
I THINK
HE'S DIVINE.
♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE
MY JAZZ HOT ♪♪
OH, GOD!
I'LL NEVER MAKE IT.
NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
FROM THE BEGINNING,
WE'VE HAD 2 MAJOR
OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME.
MY BOSOM.
FIRST, TO CONVINCE EVERYONE
THAT YOU'RE A MAN.
NOW, SO FAR
WE'VE DONE THAT.
IT'S BEEN
DAMNED UNCOMFORTABLE.
WHAT HAS?
STRAPPING DOWN MY BOSOM.
NOW ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO
IS GET OUT THERE
AND SHOW THEM WHAT
A GREAT ENTERTAINER YOU ARE,
AND YOU'LL BE A STAR
FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS.
OH, TODDY, IF I HAVE
TO STRAP DOWN MY BOSOM
FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS,
THEY'RE GONNA END UP
LOOKING LIKE 2 EMPTY WALLETS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
SIT UP.
THEN WHAT?
STAND UP.
OH, SIT UP, STAND UP,
THROW UP.
NOW, YOU ARE NOT
GOING TO BE SICK.
NOT IF I FAINT FIRST.
WE'VE GOT A FULL HOUSE.
I SENT OUT
300 INVITATIONS
AND EVERYONE'S
TURNED UP,
EXCEPT KING MARCHAN.
Victoria:
WHO'S KING MARCHAN?
AMONG OTHER THINGS,
HE HAPPENS TO BE
THE MOST SUCCESSFUL
NIGHTCLUB OWNER IN CHICAGO.
AND THE OTHER
THINGS?
OH, NOTHING WORTH
MENTIONING
IF YOU WANT
TO STAY ALIVE.
[FANFARE PLAYS]
[PLAYING JAZZ SOLO]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE NIGHTCLUB IS
PROUD TO PRESENT
THE ONE AND
ONLY...VICTORIA!
[APPLAUSE]
♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO ♪♪
♪♪ WAY DOWN
IN NEW ORLEANS ♪♪
♪♪ A GROUP OF FELLAS
FOUND A NEW KIND OF MUSIC ♪♪
♪♪ AND THEY DECIDED
TO CALL IT JAZZ ♪♪
♪♪ NO OTHER SOUND HAS
WHAT THIS MUSIC HAS ♪♪
♪♪ BEFORE THEY KNEW IT ♪♪
♪♪ IT WAS WHIZZIN'
ROUND THE WORLD ♪♪
♪♪ THE WORLD WAS READY ♪♪
♪♪ FOR A NEW KIND
OF MUSIC ♪♪
♪♪ AND NOW THEY PLAY IT ♪♪
♪♪ FROM STEAMBOAT SPRINGS ♪♪
♪♪ TO LA PAZ ♪♪
♪♪ OH, BABY,
WON'T YOU PLAY ME ♪♪
♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,MAYBE ♪♪
♪♪ AND DON'T EVER
LET IT END ♪♪
♪♪ I TELL YA, FRIEND ♪♪
♪♪ IT'S REALLY
SOMETHIN' TO HEAR ♪♪
♪♪ I CAN'T SIT STILL ♪♪
♪♪ WHEN THERE'S
THAT RHYTHM NEAR ME ♪♪
♪♪ ALSO, BABY ♪♪
♪♪LE JAZZ HOTMAY BE ♪♪
♪♪ WHAT'S HOLDIN' MY SOUL ♪♪
♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER
IT'S MORNIN' OR NIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ ONLY KNOW
IT'S SOUNDIN' RIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ SO COME ON IN
AND PLAY ME ♪♪
♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪
♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE MY ♪♪
♪♪ JAZZ ♪♪
♪♪ HOT ♪♪
♪♪ BEFORE THEY KNEW IT ♪♪
♪♪ IT WAS WHIZZIN'
ROUND THE WORLD ♪♪
♪♪ THE WORLD WAS READY
FOR A NEW KIND OF MUSIC ♪♪
♪♪ AND NOW
THEY PLAY IT ♪♪
♪♪ FROM STEAMBOAT SPRINGS
TO LA PAZ ♪♪
SHE'S A WINNER.
♪♪ WHEN YOU PLAY ME ♪♪
♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'RE
HOLDIN' MY SOUL ♪♪
♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER
IT'S MORNIN' OR NIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ ONLY KNOW
IT'S SOUNDIN' RIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ SO COME ON IN
AND PLAY ME ♪♪
♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪
♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE MY JAZZ ♪♪
♪♪ HOT ♪♪
♪♪LE♪♪
♪♪JAZZ♪♪
♪♪ HOT ♪♪
[WHISPERING]
Le jazz hot.
BRAVO!
BRAVA.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
WATCH THIS.
OHH!
OHH!
IT'S A GUY.
YAY!
YAY!
HA HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA.
YAAAYYYY!
EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.
PARDON ME.
PARDON ME.
EXCUSE ME.
PARDON ME. PARDON.
COME ON, DEAR.
I HOPE...6, 8 WEEKS.
HI.
[GIGGLES]
OH, I'M NORMA CASSIDY.
YOU WERE JUST GRAND.
THANK YOU.
OH, AND THIS
IS KING MARCHAN.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HOW DO YOU DO?
Norma: I GOT TO
ADMIT FOR A WHILE THERE
I WAS REALLY CHEESED OFF.
KING'S TONGUE WAS
HANGIN' OUT A FOOT.
THEN, WHEN YOU
TOOK THAT WIG OFF,
I JUST COULDN'T
BELIEVE IT.
KING STILL DOESN'T.
I'M FLATTERED.
I'M, UH, DELIGHTED
YOU COULD MAKE IT,
MR. MARCHAN.
OH, THANK YOU.
MAY I INTRODUCE
MR. TODD?
IT'S A PLEASURE.
UH, THIS IS
MISS CASSIDY.
AH, MADEMOISELLE.
ENCHANTED.
OH, UH, ME, TOO.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF OUR NEW STAR?
HE THINKS
HE'S A PHONY.
OH, I THINKS
SHE'S VERY TALENTED.
BUT HE DOESN'T THINK
YOU'RE A MAN.
I'LL TELL HER
WHAT I THINK.
HER. YOU SEE?
NORMA.
WHAT?
MINGLE.
OH. SURE.
YOU CARE TO, UH,
CARE TO MINGLE
WITH ME, MR. TODD?
MISS CASSIDY,
EXCLUDING VICTOR'S
PERFORMANCE,
MINGLING WITH YOU
MAY WELL TURN OUT
TO BE THE HIGHLIGHT
OF THE EVENING.
HA HA. I JUST
LOVE FRENCHMEN.
OH, SO DO I.
I'LL GET YOU
A DRINK.
WELL, THANK YOU.
YOU WERE SAYING,
MR. MARCHAN?
WELL, I...
I JUST FIND IT HARD TO
BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE A MAN.
BECAUSE YOU FOUND ME
ATTRACTIVE AS A WOMAN?
YES, AS A MATTER
OF FACT.
IT HAPPENS FREQUENTLY.
NOT TO ME.
IT JUST PROVES
THE OLD ADAGE--
THERE'S A FIRST TIME
FOR EVERYTHING.
I DON'T THINK SO.
BUT YOU'RE
NOT 100% SURE.
PRACTICALLY.
AH, BUT TO
A MAN LIKE YOU,
SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES
HE COULD NEVER, UNDER
ANY CIRCUMSTANCES,
FIND ANOTHER MAN
ATTRACTIVE,
THE MARGIN BETWEEN
PRACTICALLY AND FOR SURE
MUST BE AS WIDE
AS THE GRAND CANYON.
IF YOU WERE A MAN,
I'D KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF.
AND PROVE
THATYOU'REA MAN.
THAT'S
A WOMAN'S ARGUMENT.
YOUR PROBLEM,
MR. MARCHAN,
IS THAT YOU'RE PREOCCUPIED
WITH STEREOTYPES.
I THINK IT'S
AS SIMPLE AS,
YOU'RE ONE KIND
OF MAN, I'M ANOTHER.
AND WHAT KIND ARE YOU?
ONE THAT DOESN'T
HAVE TO PROVE IT,
TO MYSELF OR ANYONE.
EXCUSE ME.
YOU'RE KIDDIN'!
YOU--YOU REALLY
ARE QUEER?
OH, WE PREFER "GAY."
OHH!
BUT YOU'RE SO ATTRACTIVE.
HA HA HA HA HA.
WELL, I THINK
IT'S A TERRIBLE WASTE.
OH, HA HA HA HA!
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
WHAT?
I THINK THAT THE RIGHT WOMAN
COULD REFORM YOU.
YOU KNOW,
I THINK THE RIGHT WOMAN
COULD REFORM YOU, TOO.
OHH! ME GIVE UP MEN?
FORGET IT.
YOU TOOK THE WORDS
RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.
NORMA?
OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I STILL THINK
IT'S A TERRIBLE WASTE.
WELL, IF IT'S
ANY CONSOLATION,
I ASSURE YOU, IT
IS NOT WASTED.
OHH.
NORMA?
WHOA, JEEZ.
AU REVOIR.
ME, TOO.
COME ON, GET OUT
OF MY WAY. GO ON.
SEE YA IN CHURCH.
OHH!
DON'T EVER LEAVE ME
ALONE LIKE THAT AGAIN.
WHAT DID YOU THINK
OF KING MARCHAN?
KING MARCHAN IS
AN ARROGANT, OPINIONATED,
CHAUVINISTIC
PAIN IN THE ASS.
I THINK I COULD
FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.
I THINK I COULD, TOO.
I'M TELLIN' YA,
HE'S GAY.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.
WE HAD A LONG TALK.
THEY MET IN POLAND
OR SOMETHIN',
AND HE BROUGHT HIM
TO PARIS.
AND HE'S MAKIN' HIM
A BIG STAR.
THEY'RE LOVERS,
AND I KNOW WHY YOU DON'T
WANT TO BELIEVE IT. HA!
CAN I GIVE YOU A LIFT
TO YOUR HOTEL?
OH, THAT'S
KIND OF YOU, ANDRE--
WE'D BE DELIGHTED.
HOTEL?
WHY NOT?
King: I HEARD YOU,
NORMA, I HEARD YOU.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE SO BURNED UP ABOUT.
THANK YOU.
I MEAN, IT WAS A PERFECTLY
NATURAL MISTAKE.
KNOCK IT OFF,
NORMA.
WELL, SQUASH THOUGHT
HE WAS A WOMAN.
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
IT'S REALLY VERY FUNNY.
HE ISN'T BAD LOOKING,
BUT I KNEW HE WAS
A MAN RIGHT AWAY.
IT'S THE PADDING.
OH, I DON'T CARE HOW
CLEVER THOSE COSTUMES ARE.
I MEAN, THERE ARE JUST
SOME THINGS YOU CANNOT FAKE.
I MEAN, EVEN
WITH ALL THOSE HORMONE
SHOTS AND EVERYTHING,
A REAL WOMAN
CAN ALWAYS TELL.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT
SAL ANDRATTI WOULD SAY
IF HE KNEW HIS PARTNER
FELL FOR A FEMALE
IMPERSONATOR, HUH?
CHECK UNDER THE BEDS?
YES.
NOW, I KNOW HE'S
SUPPOSED TO PROTECT YOU,
BUT DOES HE HAVE
TO STAY
IN THE SAME
SUITE WITH US?
I MEAN, I--I JUST
KEEP EXPECTING HIM
TO BREAK IN
WHILE WE'RE, UH,
WE'RE MAKIN' LOVE.
HE'D ONLY DO THAT
IF HE HEARD
SOMETHING UNUSUAL,
LIKE IF
I GOT EXCITED.
WHY, YOU--YOU TAKE THAT--
LISTEN TO ME,
YOU CREEP!
YOU MIND YOUR--
[MUMBLING]
[CRASH]
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
GOOD EVENING.
THANK YOU, ANDRE.
GOOD NIGHT, TODDY.
VICTOR,
GET SOME SLEEP.
TODDY, THIS
IS THE MONCEAU.
MM-HMM.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
UP.
ENTREZ.
HA HA HA HA.
Toddy:
THAT'S FAR ENOUGH.
TODDY, WHAT ARE YOU
UP TO? TODDY?
TA-DA!
[GASPS]
HOLYMERDE!
HA HA HA HA HA.
T-TODDY,
WHEN DID WE MOVE?
DURING DRESS REHEARSAL.
B-B-BUT WHAT
IF I'D FLOPPED?
OH, THEN WE WOULD HAVE
ORDERED A SUMPTUOUS MEAL,
CHARGED IT TO ROOM SERVICE,
DRUNK THE CHAMPAGNE,
COMPLIMENTS
OF THE MANAGEMENT--
AND JUMPED
OUT THE WINDOW.
WHICH IS WHY
I CHOSE A 3-STAR HOTEL
AND SPECIFICALLY
REQUESTED
ACCOMMODATIONS
ABOVE THE THIRD FLOOR.
MONSIEUR.
OH, TODDY.
OH, THE BATHROOM
IS A RELIGIOUS
EXPERIENCE.
OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
OHH!
WHEN CAN WE AFFORD
ANOTHER BEDROOM?
AS SOON AS WE'RE SURE YOU'RE
NOT JUST A FLASH IN THE PAN.
MY GOD!
BESIDES,
ONE BEDROOM, ONE BED
PROMOTES THE ILLUSION
THAT WE'RE LOVERS.
HA. IF FOR SOME REASON
WE DECIDED WE'D RATHER
SLEEP APART,
THERE'S MORE
THAN ENOUGH ROOM
FOR ONE
OF US IN THE BATHTUB.
YEAH. AND IF WE HAVE
AN OVERNIGHT GUEST,
HE CAN ALWAYS STRETCH OUT
IN THE BIDET.
I...LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, SIR.
HA HA HA HA.
OH...OHH!
♪♪ MM MMM ♪♪
[SIGHS]
[HUMMING]
HEY!
AREN'T YOU
COMIN' TO BED?
[INVITINGLY]
KING...
POOKEY...
YOO-HOO.
I'M HORNY.
OHH. OHH!
OK, ALL RIGHT.
♪♪ OH, GIVE ME A HOME ♪♪
♪♪ WHERE
THE BUFFALO ROAM ♪♪
♪♪ AND THE DEER
AND THE ANTELOPE ♪♪
♪♪ ARE GAY ♪♪
HA HA HA HA.
♪♪ WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD ♪♪
♪♪ A DISCOURAGING ♪♪
[BANGING ON CEILING]
♪♪ WORD-- ♪♪
OBVIOUSLY
A MUSIC LOVER.
I DARE YOU
TO HIT HIGH C.
WELL, I WILL
IF YOU WILL.
IF I COULD,
IWOULD BE THE STAR,
AND YOU WOULD STILL BE
TRYING TO SWAP YOUR VIRTUE
FOR A MEATBALL.
HA HA HA HA.
SPEAKING OF VIRTUE...
YEECHH.
WERE YOU SERIOUS
ABOUT KING MARCHAN?
WERE YOU?
I ASKED YOU FIRST.
THAT'S AN INFANTILE
EVASION.
OK. I FIND HIM
EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE.
CHECK.
IN FACT, I WOULDN'T MIND
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIM.
I'LL BUY THAT.
[SIGHS]
YOU KNOW...
PRETENDING TO BE A MAN
HAS ITS DISADVANTAGES.
MY DEAR COUNT...
YOU JUST SAID
A COTTON-PICKIN' MOUTHFUL.
POOKEY.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
[LOUD OBNOXIOUS NOISE]
IT HAPPENS
TO EVERYONE...
MEN, I MEAN.
WE'RE LUCKY...
WOMEN, I MEAN.
WE CAN FAKE IT
IF WE HAVE TO.
UHH! OH!
OH, DON'T
GET ME WRONG.
I NEVER HAVE
WITH YOU...
FAKED IT, I MEAN.
WITH YOU, IT'S...
IT'S LIKE, POW!
POW, POW!
LIKE THE FOURTH OF JULY,
EVERY TIME.
JUST TONIGHT, 'CAUSE
YOU COULDN'T GET IT--
UP TILL NOW,
IT'S BEEN GRAND,
POOKEY, REALLY,
REALLY GRAND.
AND IF THERE'S ONE THING
I KNOW FOR SURE,
YOU CAN'T
LET IT GET YOU,
YOU SHOULD EXCUSE
THE EXPRESSION, DOWN.
YOU CAN'T
THINK ABOUT IT.
YOU JUST GOTTA
PUT IT OUT OF YOUR MIND.
I MEAN, THE MORE YOU THINK
ABOUT IT, THE MORE YOU WORRY.
THE MORE YOU WORRY,
THE MORE YOU THINK.
THINK, WORRY--
MMM, TOO SOFT--
WORRY, THINK.
IT--IT'S--
IT JUST GETS, LIKE,
A VICIOUS CYCLE.
AND THEN,
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
YOU ARE IMPUDENT.
WHAT'S WITH THE SOAP?
Norma: AAH!
AAH! AAH!
LOOK OUT!
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
AAH!
NOW, NORMA--
AAH!
NOBODY PUTS
SOAP IN MY MOUTH!
NOT EVEN--
NOT EVEN MY MOTHER!
YOU'RE BEING
VERY CHILDISH.
I'M GONNA KILL HIM!
I'M GONNA KILL YOU, TOO,
YOU BIG MUSCLE BRAIN!
NOW, LISTEN, YOU HAVE TO
LEARN TO CONTROL YOURSELF.
AAAAHHH!
AAH! AAH!
OH, SHIT!
AAH!
THIS IS IT!
I'M GONNA--
AAH!
AAH!
[BANGING ON DOOR]
YOU AND YOUR IDEAS.
"WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HER
TO PARIS WITH YOU, BOSS?"
I JUST THOUGHT
SHE'D HELP YOU RELAX.
NEVER HELP ME RELAX.
WELL, THEN
SEND HER HOME.
WHY DON'T YOU EVER COME UP
WITH A REALLY GOOD IDEA?
FOR INSTANCE?
YOUSEND HER HOME!
HE THINKS HE CAN
JUST PUSH ME AROUND.
THINKS I'M JUST GONNA HOP ON
THE NEXT BOAT FOR THE STATES,
AND THAT WILL BE THAT.
WELL, YOU'VE GOT
ANOTHER THING COMING,
MR. BIG SHOT FAIRY MARCHAN,
BECAUSE MRS. CASSIDY'S
LITTLE GIRL NORMA
AIN'T GONNA TAKE
THIS ONE LYIN' DOWN!
OOH!
AAH!
[P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT IN FRENCH]
AND DON'T KID YOURSELF!
YOU AIN'T SEEN
THE LAST OF ME YET!
AAH!
[TRAIN WHISTLE
BLOWS]
ARE YOU OK?
[ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO
TO SPANISH DANCE]
♪♪ LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA ♪♪
[GUITAR PLAYS]
♪♪ LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA-AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH
AH-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ AH ♪♪
♪♪ LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ LA ♪♪
[CASTANETS AND ORCHESTRA
PLAY]
♪♪ THERE WAS ONCE
A SHADY DAME ♪♪
♪♪ FROM SEVILLE ♪♪
♪♪ USED TO WANDER
ROUND THE TOWN ♪♪
♪♪ DRESSED TO KILL ♪♪
♪♪ AND MEN
IF THEY DARED ♪♪
♪♪ STOOD AND STARED ♪♪
♪♪ WHEN SHE PASSED
THEIR WAY ♪♪
♪♪ THE LADY
KNOCKED 'EM OUT ♪♪
♪♪ THERE'S NO DOUBT
'CAUSE THEY'D SHOUT ♪♪
♪♪ OL￩ ♪♪
♪♪ ALL DAY ♪♪
♪♪ SEVILLE ISN'T THAT MUCH
TO SHOUT ABOUT ♪♪
♪♪ BUT WHEN SHE WAS OUT ♪♪
♪♪ TRAFFIC STOOD STILL ♪♪
♪♪ DRESSED LIKE A VAMP ♪♪
♪♪ OR A PAMPLONA TRAMP ♪♪
♪♪ SHE COULD STAMPEDE ♪♪
♪♪ THE MENFOLK AT WILL ♪♪
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY, HEY, HEY!
[DRUMROLL AND FANFARE]
♪
♪♪ ONE DAY CAME
A WORLD-FAMOUS MATADOR ♪
♪♪ RAT-TAT
AT HER DOOR ♪♪
♪♪ BEARING A ROSE ♪♪
♪♪ IF HE
DISTRESSED HER ♪♪
♪♪ DISTURBING
HER SIESTA ♪♪
♪♪ IT'S BEST TO SAY ♪♪
♪♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪♪
[TEMPO PICKS UP]
♪♪ THE REST OF THE TALE'S
NOT A PRETTY ONE ♪♪
♪♪ PITY ONE
ISN'T FOR SALE ♪♪
♪♪ ONLY 2 EARS
AND A TAIL ♪♪
♪♪ DID THEY FIND ♪♪
♪♪ BY THE BLIND
ON HER SILL ♪♪
♪♪ NO ONE KNOWS
WHAT BECAME ♪♪
♪♪ OF THE SHADY ♪♪
♪♪ DAME ♪♪
♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH
AH-AH-AH ♪♪
[CASTANETS PLAY]
[GUITAR STRUMS]
♪♪ LA-DA-DA ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH-AH
AH-AH-AH ♪♪
[CASTANETS PLAY]
[GUITAR STRUMS]
♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH-AH
AH-AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ AHHHH ♪♪
♪♪ AHHH ♪♪
♪♪ AHHHHHH ♪♪
♪♪ AHHH ♪♪
♪♪ LA ♪♪
♪♪ THE SHADY ♪♪
♪♪ DA... ♪♪
♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪
♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪
♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪
♪♪ A-A-AME ♪♪
♪♪ FROM ♪♪
♪♪ SEV ♪♪
♪♪ ILLE ♪♪
[GLASS TINKLES]
OH!
OH!
[POP]
♪♪ ILLE ♪♪
OL￩!
OL￩!
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
BRAVO!
HA HA HA HA HA!
[AUTOMOBILE HORNS
HONKING]
CAB FARE, RICHARD?
NO. I'VE GOT TO PAY
SOME BILLS.
WELL, AT LEAST LEAVE ME
ENOUGH FOR BREAKFAST.
WHY, TODDY,
ONE WOULD SUSPECT
YOU THINK I'M MERCENARY.
TRY "UNSCRUPULOUS."
YOU GET
YOUR MONEY'S WORTH.
I'D SAY WE BOTH GET
MYMONEY'S WORTH.
LOOK, TODDY,
IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY
WITH THE ARRANGEMENT...
AS A MATTER
OF RECORD, I'M NOT.
BUT TO QUOTE
THE IMMORTAL BARD,
LOVE LOOKS NOT
WITH THE EYES,
BUT WITH THE MIND.
THEREFORE IS WINGED CUPID
PAINTED BLIND.
HAVE A NICE DAY,
TODDY.
I'LL DO MY DAMNEDEST.
[BELL JINGLES]
[WOMAN'S VOICE
SINGING IN DISTANCE]
♪♪ THERE PLANTATIONS
FULLY SHOW ♪♪
♪♪ ALL THE YEAR
WHERE CHERRIES GROW ♪♪
♪♪ ALL THE YEAR WHERE ♪♪
♪♪ CHERRIES GROW ♪♪
♪♪ CHERRY RIPE,
CHERRY RIPE ♪♪
♪♪ RIPE, I CRY ♪♪
♪♪ FULL AND FAIR ONES ♪♪
♪♪ COME AND BUY ♪♪
♪♪ CHERRY RIPE ♪♪
♪♪ RIPE, I CRY ♪♪
♪♪ FULL AND FAIR ONES ♪♪
♪♪ COME ♪♪
♪♪ AND ♪♪
♪♪ BUY ♪♪
AS YOU CAN TELL,
MONSIEUR LABISSE,
I HAVE
A LEGITIMATE VOICE.
YES, WELL, YOU SEE,
I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE
ILLEGITIMATE.
OH, I'M SURE THAT
WITH A LITTLE PRACTICE--
LADY...
THAT IS LIKE
A NUN SAYING,
WITH A LITTLE
PRACTICE,
SHE COULD BECOME
A STREETWALKER.
AH. IT HAS TO COME
NATURALLY.
RIGHT.
IN SOME PROFESSIONS, PRACTICE
IS A MINOR CONSIDERATION.
SO TAKE MY ADVICE:
STICK TOCARMEN.
I AM A COLORATURA,
MONSIEUR LABISSE,
NOT A MEZZO.
WELL, WHATEVER YOU ARE,
ANDRE CASSELL SHOULD NEVER
HAVE SENT YOU OVER HERE.
HE DIDN'T.
YOU TOLD ME
HE WAS YOUR AGENT.
I LIED.
THANK YOU.
AND IN SPITE OF WHAT YOU
THINK, MONSIEUR LABISSE,
THERE ARE
SOME PROFESSIONS
WHERE PRACTICE
DOES MAKE PERFECT.
♪♪ AAHH! ♪♪
WHAT IN HELL
WAS THAT?
B FLAT.
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]
[AUTOMOBILE HORN HONKS]
MONSIEUR LE DIRECTEUR,
SHE'S BACK.
WHAT?
HEY!
MISS GRANT.
[OUT OF BREATH]
YOU, UH, YOU OWE ME
2 WEEKS.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT,
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
YOU PROMISED
TO PAY ME ON TUESDAY,
THEN ON WEDNESDAY,
THEN ON THURSDAY,
AND...
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT?
SPAGHETTI?
YES.
WITH MEATBALLS.
OH. I'LL SLEEP WITH YOU
FOR A MEATBALL.
YOU WOULD?
MISSED YOUR CHANCE.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
IT WON'T DO YOU
ANY GOOD.
I'VE BEEN IN THE HOTEL
BUSINESS FOR 20 YEARS.
I KNOW ALL THE ANGLES.
COME ON, GET UP.
GET UP.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'VE GOT
THE BUBONIC PLAGUE.
IF YOU CAN'T
PAY YOUR RENT,
I'LL CONFISCATE
YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS,
AND I'LL EVICT YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU MADE
A CERTAIN OFFER TO ME
WHICH I COULD NOT
REFUSE,
AND THEN YOU
PRETENDED TO FAINT.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
I NEVER PRETEND TO FAINT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM HELPING YOU
TO STAND UP.
THAT'S FUNNY. I THOUGHT
I WAS STANDING.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
TO LIE DOWN.
YOU'RE CONFUSING ME.
I'M SURE WE CAN DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THE RENT.
WHATEVER
YOU MAY THINK,
I AM NOT
AN UNGENEROUS MAN.
AAH!
AAH! WHAT?
WHAT IS IT?
THERE!
WHERE?
WHAT?
THERE!
A COCKROACH!
OH! OH!
WHY, YOU...
AAH! I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T STAND
COCKROACHES.
AH, YES, ESPECIALLY
IN A HOTEL ROOM, EH?
ANYWHERE.
AND YOU WON'T TELL
THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH
IF I FORGET
YOUR RENT, EH?
I TELL YOU ONCE MORE,
I'M GETTING MY MONEY.
AND JUST IN CASE
YOU THOUGHT OF LEAVING US
DURING THE NIGHT...
OH, PLEASE DON'T
LEAVE ME.
PLEASE. OH!
[MUTTERING]
I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I'M DREAMING.
♪♪ WHEN PEOPLE SPEAK
OF GAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ THEY THINK THAT WHEN
THEY SAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪
♪♪ THEY MEAN
THAT GAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪
IT IS.
♪♪ NOT IN THE WAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ WAS GAY
IN YESTERDAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ IT MEANS TODAY
THAT GAY PAREE IS GAY ♪♪
[PLAYS "DANCE
OF THE FAIRIES" RIFF]
NOTTHATGAY.
♪♪ THEY SAY PAREE
HAS ALWAYS BEEN ♪♪
♪♪ THAT WAY ♪♪
♪♪ ALONG THE BANKS
OF THE SEINE ♪♪
♪♪ JUST TAKE A WALK
NOW AND THEN ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'LL MEET
SOME INTERESTING MEN ♪♪
♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪
♪
♪♪ ALONG THE RUE MADELEINE ♪
♪♪ EACH EVENING
'ROUND ABOUT 10:00 ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'LL SEE IT
TIME AND TIME AGAIN ♪♪
♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ IF YOU'VE A SOIREE
TO SPARE ♪♪
♪♪ GO TO
THE FOLIES-BERGèèRES ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'LL SEE
SUCH GAIETY THERE ♪♪
C'EST LA VIE.
♪♪ AROUND THE RUE
DES BEAUX ARTS ♪♪
♪♪ WHERE ALL
THE CABARET SHOWS ARE ♪♪
♪♪ I MEAN, WELL, REALLY,
THOSE ARE ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'LL AGREE ♪♪
♪♪ WHAT THEY MEAN
WHEN THEY SAY GAY ♪♪
♪♪ PAREE ♪♪
Richard: THAT'S TODDY
WARBLING AGAIN.
♪♪ THE FAUBOURG
SAINT-HONOR￩ ♪♪
♪♪ WHERE ALL
THE MILLIONAIRES PLAY ♪♪
♪♪ IS ALSO,
I'M SO GLAD TO SAY ♪♪
♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ THE RUE DE RIVOLI
ARCADE ♪♪
♪♪ WHERE FANCY GOODS
ARE DISPLAYED ♪♪
♪♪ THERE'S ALSO BOUND
TO BE ROUGH TRADE ♪♪
♪♪ GAY PAREE ♪♪
♪♪ AND IN
ARRONDISSEMENT EIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ THE CHAMPS ELYS￩ES
I WOULD RATE ♪♪
♪♪ PERHAPS THE ONE THING
THAT'S STRAIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ AS CAN BE ♪♪
Man: HEY, WAITER!
♪♪ AND AT
THE CAF￩ DE LA PAIX ♪♪
♪♪ IF YOU ARE
HEADING THAT WAY ♪♪
♪♪ THEY DRINK A TOAST
EVERY DAY ♪♪
♪♪ AROUND 3:00 ♪♪
♪♪ THEY MAKE
EACH MOMENT AS GAY ♪♪
♪♪ ASLE QUATORZE JUILLET ♪♪
♪♪ THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN ♪♪
Man: HOW BORING.
♪♪ WHEN THEY SAY
GAY PAREE ♪♪
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE MOST KIND.
IN FACT,
YOU'RE EVERY KIND.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
I SEE WE HAVE A CELEBRITY
WITH US TONIGHT:
MISS SIMONE KALLISTO,
STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN,
AND AN OCCASIONAL CIRCUS.
TAKE A BOW, DARLING.
UP YOURS,CH￩RI.
AND SPEAKING
OF THE CIRCUS,
AREN'T YOU RICHARD DiNARDO,
THE WELL-KNOWN
TRAPEZE ARTIST?
CAREFUL, TODDY.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY
FUNNY, YOU KNOW,
SO WHY DON'T YOU
JUST PISS OFF?
AND YOU, YOU OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF,
BRINGING YOUR
SWEET OLD MOTHER
INTO A PLACE LIKE THIS.
Toddy: AND NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU HAVE A DELIGHTFUL
SURPRISE COMING TO YOU--
NO! NO!
PLEASE!
[THUNDER]
THANK YOU.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[CONFUSED SHOUTING]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
BUT NOBODY
WAS SERIOUSLY HURT.
THAT'S WHY I'M ONLY
CLOSING YOU FOR A WEEK.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
I WILL LOSE IN ONE WEEK?
A QUARTER OF WHAT
YOU'LL LOSE IN A MONTH
IF THERE IS
ANY MORE TROUBLE.
BAH!
[POLICE SIREN RECEDING]
YOU'RE FIRED.
I CAN'T AFFORD IT.
YOUCAN'T AFFORD IT?
WHAT ABOUT ME?
WHAT ABOUT ALL THIS?
MORE ICE.
YOU COULD TAKE IT
OUT OF MY SALARY.
TODDY! GET OUT!
ALL RIGHT.
AND DON'T COME BACK!
IF YOU EVER SET FOOT
IN THIS PLACE AGAIN,
I WILL HAVE YOU
THROWN OUT.
DON'T MAKE IT SOUND
LIKE SUCH A THREAT.
BEING THROWN OUT
OF THIS PLACE
IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER
THAN BEING THROWN OUT
OF A LEPER COLONY.
OUT!
THANK YOU.
SOMETHING TO DRINK?
UM, COULD I SEE
YOUR WINE LIST?
WE HAVE A WHITE, 1934.
WE HAVE A RED, 1934.
LAST WEEK,
WE HAD SOME ROS￩,
BUT WE'RE USING IT
IN THE SALAD.
WHICH DO YOU RECOMMEND?
THE RED IS
6 CENTIMES CHEAPER.
I'LL HAVE THE WHITE.
I'LL BET YOU'RE
A ROCKEFELLER.
[THUNDER]
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU HAD A DOG.
"DOG"?
I'VE ONLY BEEN GONE
5 MINUTES.
I FIGURED SOMETHING
HELPED YOU EAT IT.
IT WAS DELICIOUS.
YOU WANT A SALAD?
LATER.
LATER.
THE CHICKEN
WAS SO GOOD,
I THOUGHT I MIGHT
TRY THE PORK.
DOES IT TAKE LONG?
ABOUT HALF
AN HOUR.
WHAT ABOUT
THE BOEUF BOURGUIGNON?
THAT'S READY.
I'LL HAVE THAT,
AND I'LL HAVE
THE SALAD AFTERWARDS.
YOU REALIZE,
OF COURSE,
YOU'RE ENTITLED
TO 2 SALADS.
COULD YOU PUT THEM
BOTH ON ONE PLATE?
THAT'S POSSIBLE.
TERRIFIC.
DELICIOUS WINE.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO
CHOOSE YOUR 2 DESSERTS?
APPLE FLAN
AND COUPE JACQUES
MIGHT GO WELL
TOGETHER.
JUST A SMALL COFFEE.
GOOD EVENING.
I HAD THE PLEASURE
OF HEARING YOU SING
THIS AFTERNOON.
OH, YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN.
I HAVEN'T SUNG
IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS.
YOUR AUDITION
AT CHEZ LUI.
UHH. THAT WAS NOT SINGING,
AND I WOULD HARDLY
CALL IT AN AUDITION.
I USED TO WORK THERE.
MY CONDOLENCES.
WELL, I HOPE
I HAVEN'T BOTHERED YOU.
I JUST WANTED
TO TELL YOU
THAT I THINK
YOU HAVE A LOVELY VOICE
AND TO SAY HOW SORRY I AM
THAT I CAN'T BUY YOU DINNER.
THANK YOU.
WHOOPS.
PARDON ME,
MONSIEUR.
COULD I HAVE A KNIFE
AND FORK, PLEASE?
EXCUSE ME.
WHY ARE YOU SORRY THAT
YOU CAN'T BUY ME DINNER?
CASS￩.
BROKE?
I'M ALSO CARROLL TODD.
"TODDY" TO NEARLY
EVERYBODY WHO KNOWS ME.
VICTORIA.
GRANT.
I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN
WHEN I'M FLUSH.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
PLEASE?
HAVE DINNER WITH ME.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW,
IT'S VERY STRANGE.
AT THE CLUB, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE JUST ABOUT
AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE.
I WAS. I AM.
THIS IS THE FIRST
DECENT MEAL I'VE HAD
IN ALMOST 4 DAYS.
AND YOU CAN'T
PAY FOR IT.
CASS￩E.
[CHUCKLING]
AND YOU WANT ME TO HAVE
DINNER WITH YOU?
I WANT YOU TO HAVE
THE BEST DAMN DINNER
YOU'VE EVER HAD.
HAVE 2.
I STARTED OFF WITH
THE ROAST CHICKEN,
AND I SEGUED TO
THE BOEUF BOURGUIGNON.
IT'S ANYBODY'S GUESS
WHAT I COULD END UP WITH.
OH, I'D GUESS
ABOUT 30 DAYS.
IF ALL GOES WELL,
I EXPECT TO LEAVE HERE
POOR BUT SATED.
I HAVE A...
A BUG IN MY PURSE.
AT THE APPROPRIATE
MOMENT,
IT GOES IN MY SALAD.
IT'LL NEVER WORK.
A BUG IN MY SALAD?
IN A PLACE LIKE THIS,
IT WOULD BE AN EVENT
IF THERE WASN'T A BUG
IN YOUR SALAD.
WHAT ABOUT A...
COCKROACH?
A COCKROACH?!
SHH!
BIGGER THAN
YOUR THUMB.
OOH, GOD!
WAITER.
TRY THE CHICKEN.
I REALLY
RECOMMEND IT.
UM...
THE BOURGUIGNON
IS JUST A LITTLE TOUGH.
MAYBE, THE WAY
YOU'RE EATING,
YOUR JAWS ARE
GETTING TIRED.
SPEAKING
OF OVERWORKED JAWS,
WHY DON'T YOU TREAT YOURS
TO A SABBATICAL
AND FETCH ME
A WINE LIST?
THIS IS ALL THEY HAVE.
THIS?
LAST TIME I SAW
A SPECIMEN LIKE THIS,
THEY HAD TO SHOOT
THE HORSE.
HOW LUCKY CAN YOU GET?
IN ONE EVENING,
A ROCKEFELLER
AND A GROUCHO MARX.
THEY DIDN'T SHOOT
A REAL HORSE,
JUST A COSTUME
WITH 2 WAITERS IN IT.
I SHALL THINK
OF A SHARP RETORT
WHILE I'M GETTING
YOUR ROAST CHICKEN.
IT'S A WISE MAN WHO KNOWS
WHEN TO THROW IN THE TOWEL.
AND IT IS A MORON
WHO GIVES ADVICE
TO A HORSE'S ASS.
[LAUGHING]
I MADE THE DRESSING
MYSELF
WITH THE LAST
OF THE ROS￩.
I'LL BET IT'S DELICIOUS.
I WOULDN'T BET.
GO ON, TRY IT.
I--I THINK I'LL WAIT
TILL THE BOURGUIGNON
SETTLES A BIT.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO EAT IT.
OH, I WANT TO.
YOU WILL BE
THE FIRST TO KNOW.
YOU'D BETTER GO NOW.
I WANT TO LEND
MY SUPPORT.
OH, THAT'S LOVELY,
BUT IT'S MY COCKROACH
IN MY PURSE,
AND I HAVE TO GET IT
INTO MY SALAD.
I'M PERFECTLY WILLING
TO TAKE OVER YOUR SALAD.
YOU CAN JUST SLIP ME
THE PURSE UNDER THE TABLE.
LISTEN, YOU HATE COCKROACHES
AS MUCH AS I DO.
WHAT IF I MANAGE
AND YOU FAINT?
THEN IT'S POSSIBLE
I SHALL WAKE UP IN PRISON.
THEN I CAN'T
TALK YOU OUT OF IT?
YOU DON'T HAVE TIME.
NOW...BE CAREFUL
IT DOESN'T CRAWL OUT.
ANYBODY LOOKING?
NO.
I DON'T SEE IT.
HOW IS THE SALAD?
AH! UH...
HAVE YOU
TRIED IT YET?
NO. NO. I WAS, UH--UH...
JUST ABOUT TO.
WE WOULD LIKE ANOTHER
BOTTLE OF WINE.
WE'D LIKE TO TRY THE RED.
WAAAHHH!
CO-CO-COCKROACH!
A COCKROACH?
IN MY SA-SA-SALAD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
IDON'T
BELIEVE IT.
ARE YOU IMPUGNING
THIS LADY'S INTEGRITY?
SHE'S IMPUGNING
MY SALAD.
OH, NO, NO. I'M SURE
IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT
THAT YOUR SALAD HAD
A C-C-COCKROACH IN IT.
IT DIDN'T,
AND IT WASN'T.
I DEMAND TO SEE
THE MANAGER.
YES, SIR?
THIS LADY FOUND
A COCKROACH IN HER SALAD.
UHH!
SO I GATHER.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
I'M GOING TO APOLOGIZE.
MADAME, I REGRET THAT
YOU FOUND
A COCKROACH
IN YOUR SALAD.
I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT IN THE 5 YEARS
I'VE BEEN RUNNING
THIS RESTAURANT,
THAT THERE HAVE ONLY
BEEN 2 OTHER OCCASIONS
WHEN CUSTOMERS
COMPLAINED
OF HAVING FOUND INSECTS
IN THEIR FOOD.
YOU SEE? IT'S
HAPPENED BEFORE.
ON BOTH OCCASIONS,
IT TURNED OUT
THAT THE CUSTOMERS
HAD ACTUALLY
PUT THE INSECTS
IN THEIR FOOD,
HOPING TO BLACKMAIL
THE RESTAURANT
AND THUS AVOID HAVING
TO PAY THEIR CHECKS.
UH...
SURELY YOU'RE
NOT SUGGESTING--
THAT MADAME IS TRYING TO
AVOID PAYING HER CHECK?
WELL, OF COURSE NOT.
AND AS THE MANAGER
OF THIS RESTAURANT,
I HOPE MADAME
ACCEPTS MY APOLOGY
FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
SHE MAY HAVE BEEN CAUSED.
THANK YOU. MADAME DOES.
NOW, THAT IS WHAT
I'VEDONE ABOUT IT.
WHAT AREYOUGOING
TO DO ABOUT IT?
I?
THERE IS STILL
THE MATTER
OFYOURCHECK.
MYCHECK?
THERE WAS NO COCKROACH
INYOURSALAD.
NO. I INVITED THIS MAN
TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME.
OH, I SEE.
AM I TO GATHER,
MADAME,
THAT, SINCE THIS GENTLEMAN
IS YOUR GUEST,
YOU DON'T FEEL
THAT YOU SHOULD PAY
FOR HIS DINNER, EITHER?
Toddy: I WOULD SAY THAT,
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
THAT'S THE ONLY LOGICAL
CONCLUSION AVAILABLE.
Victoria: YES.
Manager: I WILL TELL YOU
WHAT I CONSIDER TO BE
THE ONLY LOGICAL
CONCLUSION AVAILABLE.
EITHER YOU OR MADAME
WILL PAY--
AAAHHH!
[MUFFLED SHOUTS
AND SCREAMS]
[THUNDER]
THIS WAY.
WHAT?
WHAT?
[PHONOGRAPH PLAYING]
Victoria: I WAS
THE LEADING SOPRANO
OF THE BATH TOURING
LIGHT OPERA COMPANY.
Toddy: YOU'RE VERY
ATHLETIC FOR A SOPRANO.
THAT'S BECAUSE
I HAVE 3 BROTHERS.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I GREW UP
WITH 2 OLDER SISTERS.
AH-CHOO!
BLESS YOU.
THANK YOU. AH-CHOO!
I THINK
I'M CATCHING A COLD.
[WATER SLOSHING]
DO YOU HAVE
ANY BICARBONATE?
TOP SHELF.
I HAVE THE WORST
HEARTBURN.
AH-CHOO!
[WATER POURING]
LET ME ASK YOU
A QUESTION.
YOU WANT TO KNOW
IF I'M A HOMOSEXUAL?
NO. I WANT TO KNOW
IF YOU'RE A HYPOCHONDRIAC.
[LAUGHING]
NOT NECESSARILY.
OH.
OH. WELL, MY HUSBAND WAS.
THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED,
HE GOT THE SHINGLES.
THE DAY WE GOT DIVORCED,
HIS ULCER PERFORATED.
[TODDY BLOWING NOSE]
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
A HOMOSEXUAL?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN A SOPRANO?
SINCE I WAS 12.
I WAS A LATE BLOOMER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BATH
TOURING LIGHT OPERA COMPANY?
I GUESS
YOU COULD SAY
LOU CASSAVA TOOK FRENCH
LEAVE WITH THE BANKROLL.
LOU CASSAVA?
OUR STAGE MANAGER.
SAM PUT HIM
UP TO IT.
SAM?
MY EX-HUSBAND.
[SNIFFLING]
OH, GOD.
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD
STAY IN BED
AND FORCE LIQUIDS.
THAT'S GOOD ADVICE
FOR A CAMEL.
YOU HAVE ANYBODY
TO TAKE CARE OF YOU?
OH, IT'S ONLY A COLD.
A COLD TONIGHT
COULD BE PNEUMONIA
BY THE MORNING.
ARE YOU SURE YOUR HUSBAND
WAS A HYPOCHONDRIAC
BEFOREHE MARRIED YOU?
I KNOW YOU THINK
I'M AN ALARMIST.
ONLY BECAUSE
YOU SOUND LIKE ONE.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
TO KNOW THAT WHEN
IT COMES TO YOUR HEALTH,
IT DOES NOT PAY
TO TAKE CHANCES.
THEN YOU CAN
STOP WORRYING.
WITH THE EXCEPTION
OF SAXOPHONE LESSONS
AND THE METRO, I NEVER PAY
TO TAKE ANYTHING.
KNOW WHAT
I'M GONNA DO?
WHAT?
I'M GONNA SEE
IF MY CLOTHES ARE DRY.
THEN I'M GONNA TRY
TO SNEAK BACK INTO MY HOTEL.
WHAT IF I WAKE UP
WITH PNEUMONIA?
WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE
TO COME AROUND EARLY
IN THE MORNING
AND CHECK ON YOU.
I COULD HAVE A RELAPSE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
NO, YOU COULDN'T.
WHY COULDN'T I?
BECAUSE THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT
WAS ABOUT
2 HOURS AGO.
OH.
[HUMMING]
Victoria:
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT?
OH!
WHAT? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
OHH.
IT WAS GUARANTEED
NOT TO SHRINK.
MY BEST DRESS.
LOOK.
LET'S SEE.
OH, THERE'S NOTHING
TO LET DOWN.
I CAN'T GO OUT
LIKE THIS.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
THE COAT?
OH!
WHAT AM I
GONNA DO?
SELL MATCHES.
[LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLING]
[CRYING]
OH, POOR BABY.
I'M SORRY.
[CRYING]
THIS HASN'T
BEEN MY DAY.
GOD, THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES
I'D HAVE GIVEN MY SOUL
TO BE ABLE
TO CRY LIKE THAT.
NO.
I HATE IT.
YOU WOULDN'T IF YOU
COULDN'T DO IT ANYMORE.
WELL...
NOW...TOMORROW
I'LL GO OVER
AND PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES.
OH, THEY WON'T LET YOU.
THEY WILL IF I
PAY YOUR BILL.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
WHY NOT? THIS IS
THAT RAINY DAY
I'VE SAVED UP
A FEW FRANCS FOR.
HERE.
YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY SAY.
WHAT?
NEITHER A BORROWER
NOR A LENDER BE.
FOR LOAN OFT LOSES
BOTH ITSELF AND FRIEND.
EXACTLY.
YOU WERE WILLING TO
COMPROMISE YOUR VIRTUE
FOR A MEATBALL.
WELL, I WAS OUT
OF MY MIND AT THE TIME,
AND AT LEAST IT WAS
SOMETHING FOR SOMETHING.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL MAKE THIS
STRICTLY
A BUSINESS PROPOSITION.
I'LL CHARGE YOU
A WEEKLY INTEREST
EQUIVALENT TO THE GOING RATE
OF ONE MEATBALL.
AH-CHOO!
OH, DAMN.
TODDY, YOU'RE SWEET
AND GENEROUS--
EXHAUSTED.
HOW WOULD I EVER
PAY YOU BACK?
WELL, WE'LL
SOLVE THAT TOMORROW.
IN THE MEANTIME,
I'M GIVING THE ORDERS.
YOU'RE GONNA GET
INTO THOSE PAJAMAS
AND COME TO BED.
THERE?
WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME
TO THE SOFA,
BUT YOU HAVE
MY WORD OF HONOR
THIS IS MUCH MORE
COMFORTABLE
AND INFINITELY SAFER.
AH-CHOO!
OH, GOD.
THERE'S NOTHING
MORE INCONVENIENT
THAN AN OLD QUEEN
WITH A HEAD COLD.
[HONK HONK]
I WON'T BE LONG.
I RESENT BEING TREATED
LIKE A HELPLESS INVALID.
Victoria: OH, WILL YOU
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT?
NOW, I'LL CASH THE CHECK,
PAY MY HOTEL BILL,
AND BE BACK IN TIME
TO FIX LUNCH.
I CAN BLOODY WELL
FIX MY OWN LUNCH.
NOT WITH A FEVER,
YOU CAN'T.
WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE
I'VE GOT A FEVER?
BECAUSE YOU'RE
BURNING UP, THAT'S WHY.
I'M NATURALLY
WARM-BLOODED.
TO BE THAT NATURALLY
WARM-BLOODED,
YOU'D HAVE TO
BE A SAINT BERNARD.
YOU LOOK BETTER IN RICHARD'S
CLOTHES THAN HE DOES.
OF COURSE, HE LOOKS
BETTER OUT OF THEM. WELL?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE A FEVER.
IN FACT, YOU DON'T
EVEN HAVE A TEMPERATURE.
NOW, LEAVE IT THERE.
DOES RICHARD
HAVE A HAT?
IN THE CLOSET.
Richard: TODDY?
RICHARD.
GOOD MORNING, RICHARD.
YOU LOOK LIKE A RACCOON.
I CAME BY TO
PICK UP MY THINGS.
I THOUGHT IT WAS TO PAY ME
THE MONEY YOU OWED ME.
I DON'T OWE YOU A THING,
YOU PATHETIC OLD QUEER.
UHH!
YOU BASTARD!
GET UP!
YOU GET BACK IN BED.
Richard, weakly:
WHO WAS THAT?
NOW, NEXT TIME,
PICK ON SOMEONE
YOUR OWN SIZE.
OOH!
AND DON'T COME BACK!
GOD.
[MOANS]
OH...GOD, MY NOSE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
THERE WAS A MAN
WEARING MY CLOTHES.
I THINK
HE BROKE MY NOSE.
TODDY,
YOU'RE DELIRIOUS.
LOWER YOUR VOICE.
TODDY!
LOWER.
[LOWER] TODDY.
OH, CARUSO,
NOT CHALIAPIN.
IF YOU DON'T GET
BACK IN THAT BED--
OH, GOOD. WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY,
IT DROPS NATURALLY.
OH, MY--
THINK ANGRY.
OH, GOD!
WHAT AN INSPIRATION.
I'M GONNA GET A DOCTOR.
VICTORIA,
IT WILL WORK.
IF YOU LISTEN TO ME
AND DO EXACTLY AS I SAY,
IN 6 WEEKS YOU'LL
BE THE TOAST OF PARIS,
AND WE WILL BOTH
WILL BE VERY RICH.
VERY, VERY, VERY RICH.
BUT, OH, MY GOD--
THINK. NO MORE
BATH LIGHT OPERA COMPANY--
WELL, OF COURSE--
NO MOREMIKADO
AND SEEDY TENORS.
YES, BUT--
CAVIAR INSTEAD
OF MEATBALLS.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO GET
SOME SCISSORS!
Toddy: PEOPLE BELIEVE
WHAT THEY SEE.
AND THIS AFTERNOON,
ANDRE CASSELL IS GOING TO MEET
EUROPE'S GREATEST
FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.
ANDRE CASSELL IS
THE BIGGEST AGENT IN PARIS.
IF I'M THE GREATEST, WHY
HASN'T HE HEARD OF ME?
YOU'RE THE GREATEST, BUT YOU'RE
UNKNOWN, EXCEPT IN POLAND.
POLAND?
YOU'RE COUNT GRAZINSKY,
POLISH ARISTOCRAT.
AND YOU SPEAK
VERY LITTLE ENGLISH.
YOUR FAMILY DISOWNED YOU WHEN
THEY DISCOVERED YOU WERE GAY.
OH, NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
WE MET IN WARSAW,
FELL IN LOVE,
AND I BROUGHT YOU
TO PARIS.
NOW, HOLD IT!
HMM? WHAT'S WRONG?
WHAT'S WRONG?
WHAT'S RIGHT?
A WOMAN PRETENDING
TO BE A MAN
PRETENDING
TO BE A WOMAN?
RIDICULOUS.
IT--IT'S PREPOSTEROUS.
IN FACT, IT'S SO
PREPOSTEROUS,
NO ONE WOULD
EVER BELIEVE IT.
AND YET YOU EXPECT THEM
TO BELIEVE COUNT...
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
GRAZINSKY.
GRAZINSKY--
A GAY, POLISH,
FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.
DARLING, ALL ANYONE HAS TO
BELIEVE IS THAT YOU'RE A MAN.
OH, WELL...
TO CONVINCE AN AUDIENCE
THAT AN ILLUSION IS REAL,
THE MAGICIAN CREATES
A PLAUSIBLE DIVERSION.
COUNT GRAZINSKY IS
OUR PLAUSIBLE DIVERSION.
TODDY, NO AUDIENCE
IS THAT GULLIBLE.
THEY'LL KNOW
HE'S A PHONY.
RIGHT.
WELL?
THEY'LL KNOW
HE'SA PHONY.
Victoria: TODDY, I DON'T
KNOW HOW TO ACT LIKE A MAN.
CONTRARY TO
THE POPULAR CONCEPTION
OF HOW A MAN ACTS,
THERE ARE ALL SORTS
OF MEN
WHO ACT
IN ALL SORTS OF WAYS.
I MEAN, AS OPPOSED
TO THE WAY WOMEN ACT.
I AM PERSONALLY
ACQUAINTED
WITH AT LEAST
A DOZEN MEN
WHO ACT EXACTLY LIKE
WOMEN, AND VICE VERSA.
THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS
THAT ARE NATURALLY MASCULINE.
NAME ONE.
UM, UH,
PEEING STANDING UP.
OH. ON THE OTHER HAND,
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NO RULE
THAT SAYS
A MAN CAN'T SIT DOWN.
MEN HAVE ADAM'S APPLES.
SO DO SOME WOMEN.
NAME ONE.
NANA LANOUX. TAXI!
WHAT? NANA LANOUX?
WHO'S SHE?
THE LAST WOMAN
I SLEPT WITH.
WHEN WAS THAT?
THE NIGHT BEFORE
THE MORNING
I DECIDED
TO BECOME A HOMOSEXUAL.
VERY DASHING.
I CAN'T WEAR THIS
ALL THE TIME.
WHY NOT? YOU MIGHT
SET A FASHION.
DID MISS LANOUX
HAVE A BIG ADAM'S APPLE?
LIKE A COCONUT.
[TYPING]
GOOD MORNING.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
TELL MR. CASSELL
THAT CARROLL TODD
IS HERE?
WHY?
WHY?
IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN
APPOINTMENT WITH MR. CASSELL,
WHY SHOULD I TELL HIM
YOU'RE HERE?
BECAUSE
MR. CASSELL AND I
ARE VERY CLOSE FRIENDS.
AND IF YOU
TELL HIM I'M HERE,
HE'LL WANT TO SEE ME.
NOW, THAT'S NOT
VERY COMPLICATED, IS IT?
BEING A VERY
CLOSE FRIEND,
I'M SURPRISED YOU
DON'T KNOW
THAT EVERY
WEDNESDAY AT THIS TIME,
MR. CASSELL
HAS HIS HAIR CUT,
AND HE NEVER SEES ANYONE,
INCLUDING HIS
VERY CLOSE FRIENDS.
WE'LL WAIT.
YOU'RE WASTING
YOUR TIME.
OH, NO.YOU
ARE WASTING IT.
MR. CASSELL.
NO, MISS SELMA.
NO, I MEAN, I WISH
TO SEE MR. CASSELL.
NO.
I AM LECLOU, THE WORLD'S
GREATEST EQUILIBRIST.
ON WEDNESDAYS, MR. CASSELL
ONLY SEES GIANINNI,
THE WORLD'S
GREATEST BARBER.
VERY WELL, THEN...
[BOTTLE CORK POPS]
IF MR. CASSELL
CANNOT SEE ME,
THEN I
SHALL PERFORM...
FOR YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET OFF!
WILL YOU GET OFF?
GET OFF THAT DESK!
WILL YOU GET OFF?
OHH!
Toddy:
HELLO, ANDRE.
Cassell: TODDY,
WHAT THE DEVIL--
ANDRE, I THINK
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT
THAT YOU MEET
COUNT VICTOR GRAZINSKY.
WHO THE HELL IS COUNT
VICTOR GRAZINSKY?
SURELY YOU'RE JOKING.
THE COUNT IS
EUROPE'S GREATEST
FEMALE IMPERSONATOR.
I'VE NEVER
HEARD OF HIM.
AND IN ALL MODESTY,
IF I HAVEN'T
HEARD OF HIM,
HE CAN HARDLY BE
EUROPE'S GREATEST.
COUNT, WOULD
YOU DEMONSTRATE?
Victoria: CERTAINLY.
[VICTORIA
SINGS HIGH NOTE]
Cassell:
WHAT THE HELL?
COUNT, WITH YOUR VOICE
AND MY CONNECTIONS,
YOU'RE GOING TO GET RICH,
AND I AM GOING TO
GET RICHER.
TO A LONG AND PROFITABLE
RELATIONSHIP.
NOW, WHEN
CAN YOU OPEN?
WHERE?
HERE.
HERE?
[LOWERS VOICE]
HERE?
6 WEEKS.
EXCELLENT.
[LOW TONE] HERE.
♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO,
WAY DOWN-- ♪♪
TRY A TONE LOWER.
OK, UH...
[PLAYS LOWER KEY]
[LOWER VOICE] ♪♪ ABOUT
20 YEARS AGO-- ♪♪
NOPE. TRY A 1/3.
A 1/3?
UH-HUH.
[PLAYS LOWER KEY]
ALL RIGHT.
♪♪
[LOWER VOICE]
♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO--
PERFECT. IT'S JUST LOW ENOUGH
TO BE A TOUCH MASCULINE.
NOW, WHEN YOU'RE
DANCING, REMEMBER,
MAKE IT BROADER,
WITH TONS OF SHOULDER.
REMEMBER,
YOU'RE A DRAG QUEEN!
♪♪ WHEN YOU PLAY ME
LE JAZZ HOT♪♪
♪♪ BABY, YOU'RE
HOLDING MY SOUL ♪♪
♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER
IT'S MORNING OR NIGHT ♪♪
HE'S FANTASTIC.
Man: HE'S A PHONY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IF HE'S A POLISH COUNT,
I'M GRETA GARBO.
WELL, GRETA,
WHATEVER HE IS,
I THINK
HE'S DIVINE.
♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE
MY JAZZ HOT ♪♪
OH, GOD!
I'LL NEVER MAKE IT.
NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
FROM THE BEGINNING,
WE'VE HAD 2 MAJOR
OBSTACLES TO OVERCOME.
MY BOSOM.
FIRST, TO CONVINCE EVERYONE
THAT YOU'RE A MAN.
NOW, SO FAR
WE'VE DONE THAT.
IT'S BEEN
DAMNED UNCOMFORTABLE.
WHAT HAS?
STRAPPING DOWN MY BOSOM.
NOW ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO
IS GET OUT THERE
AND SHOW THEM WHAT
A GREAT ENTERTAINER YOU ARE,
AND YOU'LL BE A STAR
FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS.
OH, TODDY, IF I HAVE
TO STRAP DOWN MY BOSOM
FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS,
THEY'RE GONNA END UP
LOOKING LIKE 2 EMPTY WALLETS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
SIT UP.
THEN WHAT?
STAND UP.
OH, SIT UP, STAND UP,
THROW UP.
NOW, YOU ARE NOT
GOING TO BE SICK.
NOT IF I FAINT FIRST.
WE'VE GOT A FULL HOUSE.
I SENT OUT
300 INVITATIONS
AND EVERYONE'S
TURNED UP,
EXCEPT KING MARCHAN.
Victoria:
WHO'S KING MARCHAN?
AMONG OTHER THINGS,
HE HAPPENS TO BE
THE MOST SUCCESSFUL
NIGHTCLUB OWNER IN CHICAGO.
AND THE OTHER
THINGS?
OH, NOTHING WORTH
MENTIONING
IF YOU WANT
TO STAY ALIVE.
[FANFARE PLAYS]
[PLAYING JAZZ SOLO]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE NIGHTCLUB IS
PROUD TO PRESENT
THE ONE AND
ONLY...VICTORIA!
[APPLAUSE]
♪♪ ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO ♪♪
♪♪ WAY DOWN
IN NEW ORLEANS ♪♪
♪♪ A GROUP OF FELLAS
FOUND A NEW KIND OF MUSIC ♪♪
♪♪ AND THEY DECIDED
TO CALL IT JAZZ ♪♪
♪♪ NO OTHER SOUND HAS
WHAT THIS MUSIC HAS ♪♪
♪♪ BEFORE THEY KNEW IT ♪♪
♪♪ IT WAS WHIZZIN'
ROUND THE WORLD ♪♪
♪♪ THE WORLD WAS READY ♪♪
♪♪ FOR A NEW KIND
OF MUSIC ♪♪
♪♪ AND NOW THEY PLAY IT ♪♪
♪♪ FROM STEAMBOAT SPRINGS ♪♪
♪♪ TO LA PAZ ♪♪
♪♪ OH, BABY,
WON'T YOU PLAY ME ♪♪
♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,MAYBE ♪♪
♪♪ AND DON'T EVER
LET IT END ♪♪
♪♪ I TELL YA, FRIEND ♪♪
♪♪ IT'S REALLY
SOMETHIN' TO HEAR ♪♪
♪♪ I CAN'T SIT STILL ♪♪
♪♪ WHEN THERE'S
THAT RHYTHM NEAR ME ♪♪
♪♪ ALSO, BABY ♪♪
♪♪LE JAZZ HOTMAY BE ♪♪
♪♪ WHAT'S HOLDIN' MY SOUL ♪♪
♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER
IT'S MORNIN' OR NIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ ONLY KNOW
IT'S SOUNDIN' RIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ SO COME ON IN
AND PLAY ME ♪♪
♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪
♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE MY ♪♪
♪♪ JAZZ ♪♪
♪♪ HOT ♪♪
♪♪ BEFORE THEY KNEW IT ♪♪
♪♪ IT WAS WHIZZIN'
ROUND THE WORLD ♪♪
♪♪ THE WORLD WAS READY
FOR A NEW KIND OF MUSIC ♪♪
♪♪ AND NOW
THEY PLAY IT ♪♪
♪♪ FROM STEAMBOAT SPRINGS
TO LA PAZ ♪♪
SHE'S A WINNER.
♪♪ WHEN YOU PLAY ME ♪♪
♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪
♪♪ YOU'RE
HOLDIN' MY SOUL ♪♪
♪♪ TOGETHER ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T KNOW WHETHER
IT'S MORNIN' OR NIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ ONLY KNOW
IT'S SOUNDIN' RIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ SO COME ON IN
AND PLAY ME ♪♪
♪♪LE JAZZ HOT,BABY ♪♪
♪♪ 'CAUSE I LOVE MY JAZZ ♪♪
♪♪ HOT ♪♪
♪♪LE♪♪
♪♪JAZZ♪♪
♪♪ HOT ♪♪
[WHISPERING]
Le jazz hot.
BRAVO!
BRAVA.
HA HA HA HA HA HA.
WATCH THIS.
OHH!
OHH!
IT'S A GUY.
YAY!
YAY!
HA HA HA HA HA.
HA HA HA HA.
YAAAYYYY!
EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.
PARDON ME.
PARDON ME.
EXCUSE ME.
PARDON ME. PARDON.
COME ON, DEAR.
I HOPE...6, 8 WEEKS.
HI.
[GIGGLES]
OH, I'M NORMA CASSIDY.
YOU WERE JUST GRAND.
THANK YOU.
OH, AND THIS
IS KING MARCHAN.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HOW DO YOU DO?
Norma: I GOT TO
ADMIT FOR A WHILE THERE
I WAS REALLY CHEESED OFF.
KING'S TONGUE WAS
HANGIN' OUT A FOOT.
THEN, WHEN YOU
TOOK THAT WIG OFF,
I JUST COULDN'T
BELIEVE IT.
KING STILL DOESN'T.
I'M FLATTERED.
I'M, UH, DELIGHTED
YOU COULD MAKE IT,
MR. MARCHAN.
OH, THANK YOU.
MAY I INTRODUCE
MR. TODD?
IT'S A PLEASURE.
UH, THIS IS
MISS CASSIDY.
AH, MADEMOISELLE.
ENCHANTED.
OH, UH, ME, TOO.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF OUR NEW STAR?
HE THINKS
HE'S A PHONY.
OH, I THINKS
SHE'S VERY TALENTED.
BUT HE DOESN'T THINK
YOU'RE A MAN.
I'LL TELL HER
WHAT I THINK.
HER. YOU SEE?
NORMA.
WHAT?
MINGLE.
OH. SURE.
YOU CARE TO, UH,
CARE TO MINGLE
WITH ME, MR. TODD?
MISS CASSIDY,
EXCLUDING VICTOR'S
PERFORMANCE,
MINGLING WITH YOU
MAY WELL TURN OUT
TO BE THE HIGHLIGHT
OF THE EVENING.
HA HA. I JUST
LOVE FRENCHMEN.
OH, SO DO I.
I'LL GET YOU
A DRINK.
WELL, THANK YOU.
YOU WERE SAYING,
MR. MARCHAN?
WELL, I...
I JUST FIND IT HARD TO
BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE A MAN.
BECAUSE YOU FOUND ME
ATTRACTIVE AS A WOMAN?
YES, AS A MATTER
OF FACT.
IT HAPPENS FREQUENTLY.
NOT TO ME.
IT JUST PROVES
THE OLD ADAGE--
THERE'S A FIRST TIME
FOR EVERYTHING.
I DON'T THINK SO.
BUT YOU'RE
NOT 100% SURE.
PRACTICALLY.
AH, BUT TO
A MAN LIKE YOU,
SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES
HE COULD NEVER, UNDER
ANY CIRCUMSTANCES,
FIND ANOTHER MAN
ATTRACTIVE,
THE MARGIN BETWEEN
PRACTICALLY AND FOR SURE
MUST BE AS WIDE
AS THE GRAND CANYON.
IF YOU WERE A MAN,
I'D KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF.
AND PROVE
THATYOU'REA MAN.
THAT'S
A WOMAN'S ARGUMENT.
YOUR PROBLEM,
MR. MARCHAN,
IS THAT YOU'RE PREOCCUPIED
WITH STEREOTYPES.
I THINK IT'S
AS SIMPLE AS,
YOU'RE ONE KIND
OF MAN, I'M ANOTHER.
AND WHAT KIND ARE YOU?
ONE THAT DOESN'T
HAVE TO PROVE IT,
TO MYSELF OR ANYONE.
EXCUSE ME.
YOU'RE KIDDIN'!
YOU--YOU REALLY
ARE QUEER?
OH, WE PREFER "GAY."
OHH!
BUT YOU'RE SO ATTRACTIVE.
HA HA HA HA HA.
WELL, I THINK
IT'S A TERRIBLE WASTE.
OH, HA HA HA HA!
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
WHAT?
I THINK THAT THE RIGHT WOMAN
COULD REFORM YOU.
YOU KNOW,
I THINK THE RIGHT WOMAN
COULD REFORM YOU, TOO.
OHH! ME GIVE UP MEN?
FORGET IT.
YOU TOOK THE WORDS
RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.
NORMA?
OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I STILL THINK
IT'S A TERRIBLE WASTE.
WELL, IF IT'S
ANY CONSOLATION,
I ASSURE YOU, IT
IS NOT WASTED.
OHH.
NORMA?
WHOA, JEEZ.
AU REVOIR.
ME, TOO.
COME ON, GET OUT
OF MY WAY. GO ON.
SEE YA IN CHURCH.
OHH!
DON'T EVER LEAVE ME
ALONE LIKE THAT AGAIN.
WHAT DID YOU THINK
OF KING MARCHAN?
KING MARCHAN IS
AN ARROGANT, OPINIONATED,
CHAUVINISTIC
PAIN IN THE ASS.
I THINK I COULD
FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.
I THINK I COULD, TOO.
I'M TELLIN' YA,
HE'S GAY.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.
WE HAD A LONG TALK.
THEY MET IN POLAND
OR SOMETHIN',
AND HE BROUGHT HIM
TO PARIS.
AND HE'S MAKIN' HIM
A BIG STAR.
THEY'RE LOVERS,
AND I KNOW WHY YOU DON'T
WANT TO BELIEVE IT. HA!
CAN I GIVE YOU A LIFT
TO YOUR HOTEL?
OH, THAT'S
KIND OF YOU, ANDRE--
WE'D BE DELIGHTED.
HOTEL?
WHY NOT?
King: I HEARD YOU,
NORMA, I HEARD YOU.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE SO BURNED UP ABOUT.
THANK YOU.
I MEAN, IT WAS A PERFECTLY
NATURAL MISTAKE.
KNOCK IT OFF,
NORMA.
WELL, SQUASH THOUGHT
HE WAS A WOMAN.
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
IT'S REALLY VERY FUNNY.
HE ISN'T BAD LOOKING,
BUT I KNEW HE WAS
A MAN RIGHT AWAY.
IT'S THE PADDING.
OH, I DON'T CARE HOW
CLEVER THOSE COSTUMES ARE.
I MEAN, THERE ARE JUST
SOME THINGS YOU CANNOT FAKE.
I MEAN, EVEN
WITH ALL THOSE HORMONE
SHOTS AND EVERYTHING,
A REAL WOMAN
CAN ALWAYS TELL.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT
SAL ANDRATTI WOULD SAY
IF HE KNEW HIS PARTNER
FELL FOR A FEMALE
IMPERSONATOR, HUH?
CHECK UNDER THE BEDS?
YES.
NOW, I KNOW HE'S
SUPPOSED TO PROTECT YOU,
BUT DOES HE HAVE
TO STAY
IN THE SAME
SUITE WITH US?
I MEAN, I--I JUST
KEEP EXPECTING HIM
TO BREAK IN
WHILE WE'RE, UH,
WE'RE MAKIN' LOVE.
HE'D ONLY DO THAT
IF HE HEARD
SOMETHING UNUSUAL,
LIKE IF
I GOT EXCITED.
WHY, YOU--YOU TAKE THAT--
LISTEN TO ME,
YOU CREEP!
YOU MIND YOUR--
[MUMBLING]
[CRASH]
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
GOOD EVENING.
THANK YOU, ANDRE.
GOOD NIGHT, TODDY.
VICTOR,
GET SOME SLEEP.
TODDY, THIS
IS THE MONCEAU.
MM-HMM.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
UP.
ENTREZ.
HA HA HA HA.
Toddy:
THAT'S FAR ENOUGH.
TODDY, WHAT ARE YOU
UP TO? TODDY?
TA-DA!
[GASPS]
HOLYMERDE!
HA HA HA HA HA.
T-TODDY,
WHEN DID WE MOVE?
DURING DRESS REHEARSAL.
B-B-BUT WHAT
IF I'D FLOPPED?
OH, THEN WE WOULD HAVE
ORDERED A SUMPTUOUS MEAL,
CHARGED IT TO ROOM SERVICE,
DRUNK THE CHAMPAGNE,
COMPLIMENTS
OF THE MANAGEMENT--
AND JUMPED
OUT THE WINDOW.
WHICH IS WHY
I CHOSE A 3-STAR HOTEL
AND SPECIFICALLY
REQUESTED
ACCOMMODATIONS
ABOVE THE THIRD FLOOR.
MONSIEUR.
OH, TODDY.
OH, THE BATHROOM
IS A RELIGIOUS
EXPERIENCE.
OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
OHH!
WHEN CAN WE AFFORD
ANOTHER BEDROOM?
AS SOON AS WE'RE SURE YOU'RE
NOT JUST A FLASH IN THE PAN.
MY GOD!
BESIDES,
ONE BEDROOM, ONE BED
PROMOTES THE ILLUSION
THAT WE'RE LOVERS.
HA. IF FOR SOME REASON
WE DECIDED WE'D RATHER
SLEEP APART,
THERE'S MORE
THAN ENOUGH ROOM
FOR ONE
OF US IN THE BATHTUB.
YEAH. AND IF WE HAVE
AN OVERNIGHT GUEST,
HE CAN ALWAYS STRETCH OUT
IN THE BIDET.
I...LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO, SIR.
HA HA HA HA.
OH...OHH!
♪♪ MM MMM ♪♪
[SIGHS]
[HUMMING]
HEY!
AREN'T YOU
COMIN' TO BED?
[INVITINGLY]
KING...
POOKEY...
YOO-HOO.
I'M HORNY.
OHH. OHH!
OK, ALL RIGHT.
♪♪ OH, GIVE ME A HOME ♪♪
♪♪ WHERE
THE BUFFALO ROAM ♪♪
♪♪ AND THE DEER
AND THE ANTELOPE ♪♪
♪♪ ARE GAY ♪♪
HA HA HA HA.
♪♪ WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD ♪♪
♪♪ A DISCOURAGING ♪♪
[BANGING ON CEILING]
♪♪ WORD-- ♪♪
OBVIOUSLY
A MUSIC LOVER.
I DARE YOU
TO HIT HIGH C.
WELL, I WILL
IF YOU WILL.
IF I COULD,
IWOULD BE THE STAR,
AND YOU WOULD STILL BE
TRYING TO SWAP YOUR VIRTUE
FOR A MEATBALL.
HA HA HA HA.
SPEAKING OF VIRTUE...
YEECHH.
WERE YOU SERIOUS
ABOUT KING MARCHAN?
WERE YOU?
I ASKED YOU FIRST.
THAT'S AN INFANTILE
EVASION.
OK. I FIND HIM
EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE.
CHECK.
IN FACT, I WOULDN'T MIND
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIM.
I'LL BUY THAT.
[SIGHS]
YOU KNOW...
PRETENDING TO BE A MAN
HAS ITS DISADVANTAGES.
MY DEAR COUNT...
YOU JUST SAID
A COTTON-PICKIN' MOUTHFUL.
POOKEY.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
[LOUD OBNOXIOUS NOISE]
IT HAPPENS
TO EVERYONE...
MEN, I MEAN.
WE'RE LUCKY...
WOMEN, I MEAN.
WE CAN FAKE IT
IF WE HAVE TO.
UHH! OH!
OH, DON'T
GET ME WRONG.
I NEVER HAVE
WITH YOU...
FAKED IT, I MEAN.
WITH YOU, IT'S...
IT'S LIKE, POW!
POW, POW!
LIKE THE FOURTH OF JULY,
EVERY TIME.
JUST TONIGHT, 'CAUSE
YOU COULDN'T GET IT--
UP TILL NOW,
IT'S BEEN GRAND,
POOKEY, REALLY,
REALLY GRAND.
AND IF THERE'S ONE THING
I KNOW FOR SURE,
YOU CAN'T
LET IT GET YOU,
YOU SHOULD EXCUSE
THE EXPRESSION, DOWN.
YOU CAN'T
THINK ABOUT IT.
YOU JUST GOTTA
PUT IT OUT OF YOUR MIND.
I MEAN, THE MORE YOU THINK
ABOUT IT, THE MORE YOU WORRY.
THE MORE YOU WORRY,
THE MORE YOU THINK.
THINK, WORRY--
MMM, TOO SOFT--
WORRY, THINK.
IT--IT'S--
IT JUST GETS, LIKE,
A VICIOUS CYCLE.
AND THEN,
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
YOU ARE IMPUDENT.
WHAT'S WITH THE SOAP?
Norma: AAH!
AAH! AAH!
LOOK OUT!
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
AAH!
NOW, NORMA--
AAH!
NOBODY PUTS
SOAP IN MY MOUTH!
NOT EVEN--
NOT EVEN MY MOTHER!
YOU'RE BEING
VERY CHILDISH.
I'M GONNA KILL HIM!
I'M GONNA KILL YOU, TOO,
YOU BIG MUSCLE BRAIN!
NOW, LISTEN, YOU HAVE TO
LEARN TO CONTROL YOURSELF.
AAAAHHH!
AAH! AAH!
OH, SHIT!
AAH!
THIS IS IT!
I'M GONNA--
AAH!
AAH!
[BANGING ON DOOR]
YOU AND YOUR IDEAS.
"WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HER
TO PARIS WITH YOU, BOSS?"
I JUST THOUGHT
SHE'D HELP YOU RELAX.
NEVER HELP ME RELAX.
WELL, THEN
SEND HER HOME.
WHY DON'T YOU EVER COME UP
WITH A REALLY GOOD IDEA?
FOR INSTANCE?
YOUSEND HER HOME!
HE THINKS HE CAN
JUST PUSH ME AROUND.
THINKS I'M JUST GONNA HOP ON
THE NEXT BOAT FOR THE STATES,
AND THAT WILL BE THAT.
WELL, YOU'VE GOT
ANOTHER THING COMING,
MR. BIG SHOT FAIRY MARCHAN,
BECAUSE MRS. CASSIDY'S
LITTLE GIRL NORMA
AIN'T GONNA TAKE
THIS ONE LYIN' DOWN!
OOH!
AAH!
[P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT IN FRENCH]
AND DON'T KID YOURSELF!
YOU AIN'T SEEN
THE LAST OF ME YET!
AAH!
[TRAIN WHISTLE
BLOWS]
ARE YOU OK?
[ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO
TO SPANISH DANCE]
♪♪ LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA ♪♪
[GUITAR PLAYS]
♪♪ LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA-AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH
AH-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ AH ♪♪
♪♪ LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA ♪♪
♪♪ LA-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ LA ♪♪
[CASTANETS AND ORCHESTRA
PLAY]
♪♪ THERE WAS ONCE
A SHADY DAME ♪♪
♪♪ FROM SEVILLE ♪♪
♪♪ USED TO WANDER
ROUND THE TOWN ♪♪
♪♪ DRESSED TO KILL ♪♪
♪♪ AND MEN
IF THEY DARED ♪♪
♪♪ STOOD AND STARED ♪♪
♪♪ WHEN SHE PASSED
THEIR WAY ♪♪
♪♪ THE LADY
KNOCKED 'EM OUT ♪♪
♪♪ THERE'S NO DOUBT
'CAUSE THEY'D SHOUT ♪♪
♪♪ OL￩ ♪♪
♪♪ ALL DAY ♪♪
♪♪ SEVILLE ISN'T THAT MUCH
TO SHOUT ABOUT ♪♪
♪♪ BUT WHEN SHE WAS OUT ♪♪
♪♪ TRAFFIC STOOD STILL ♪♪
♪♪ DRESSED LIKE A VAMP ♪♪
♪♪ OR A PAMPLONA TRAMP ♪♪
♪♪ SHE COULD STAMPEDE ♪♪
♪♪ THE MENFOLK AT WILL ♪♪
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY, HEY, HEY!
[DRUMROLL AND FANFARE]
♪
♪♪ ONE DAY CAME
A WORLD-FAMOUS MATADOR ♪
♪♪ RAT-TAT
AT HER DOOR ♪♪
♪♪ BEARING A ROSE ♪♪
♪♪ IF HE
DISTRESSED HER ♪♪
♪♪ DISTURBING
HER SIESTA ♪♪
♪♪ IT'S BEST TO SAY ♪♪
♪♪ NOBODY KNOWS ♪♪
[TEMPO PICKS UP]
♪♪ THE REST OF THE TALE'S
NOT A PRETTY ONE ♪♪
♪♪ PITY ONE
ISN'T FOR SALE ♪♪
♪♪ ONLY 2 EARS
AND A TAIL ♪♪
♪♪ DID THEY FIND ♪♪
♪♪ BY THE BLIND
ON HER SILL ♪♪
♪♪ NO ONE KNOWS
WHAT BECAME ♪♪
♪♪ OF THE SHADY ♪♪
♪♪ DAME ♪♪
♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH
AH-AH-AH ♪♪
[CASTANETS PLAY]
[GUITAR STRUMS]
♪♪ LA-DA-DA ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH-AH
AH-AH-AH ♪♪
[CASTANETS PLAY]
[GUITAR STRUMS]
♪♪ LA LA LA ♪♪
♪♪ AH-AH-AH-AH-AH
AH-AH-AH-AH-AH ♪♪
♪♪ AHHHH ♪♪
♪♪ AHHH ♪♪
♪♪ AHHHHHH ♪♪
♪♪ AHHH ♪♪
♪♪ LA ♪♪
♪♪ THE SHADY ♪♪
♪♪ DA... ♪♪
♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪
♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪
♪♪ A-A-A ♪♪
♪♪ A-A-AME ♪♪
♪♪ FROM ♪♪
♪♪ SEV ♪♪
♪♪ ILLE ♪♪
[GLASS TINKLES]
OH!
OH!
[POP]
♪♪ ILLE ♪♪
OL￩!
OL￩!
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
BRAVO!
HA HA HA HA HA!