Vicky This Side, Varun That Side (2017) - full transcript

Are you ready?

Are you excited?

So put your hands together
and welcome on stage

Mr. Varun Thakur!

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

How are you guys doing?

Good evening, my name is Varun Thakur.

As you may have figured by now,
I am a stand-up comedian.

But sometimes I feel
like a prostitute.

I'll tell you why.

The other day I get a phone call,
I answer the phone.



The person at the other day,
he's like...

"Hi Varun, what's your rate?"

I'm like, "Sir, I think you are looking
for a different kind of stand-up."

He still doesn't get it. He's like...

"Hey Varun, what's your rate? How
much you do and how long you do for?"

By that point I've given up.
I'm like...

"You want to know with
or without the happy ending?"

But I don't blame him, right?

Because being a comedian is not really
as popular a profession just yet.

Even people my age
get confused.

My friend Pooja, made me meet her
friend Tina

my friend Pooja.

Made me meet her friend Tina,
she's like...

"Tina, this is Varun,
he is a comedian."



So even Tina looks.

And I was like, "Hi?"

And then they both walk away.

And I can hear Tina tell Pooja...

"He wasn't that funny."

I'm like I said hi.

What you want me to do?
Dance around?

Like even my parents, the first time
they came up to me and they said...

"What do you want to do in life?"

So I said I want to be a comedian.

So even they looked at me.

"All that is okay,
but what do you want to do in life?"

But nowadays they are
a lot more supportive,

my dad comes home and says...

"Hey! I have a joke for you."

I'm like, "Yes dad, tell me."

So he takes out his phone and...

"Where is WhatsApp?

Here do this."

And I'm like, "Dad, that's a WhatsApp
joke. I can't do that on stage."

And he's like,
"You do it in your own way, no."

Because Indian parents don't give
a fuck about Intellectual Property.

"Ah! You do it, do it."

Then I realised that's what
Anu Malik's parents told him.

Dad, dad! Arabic song.

"The building is tall."

You know, not just our parents.

Even people who organise comedy shows

aren't really in tune
with how comedy works.

So I was doing this show in Delhi.

I reached the place,
the event guy calls me up.

He's like,
"Sir, you had a good flight?"

I said, "Yes."

"You're tucked in
nicely in the hotel?"

I said, "Yes."

"Sir, just want to ask you one thing.

Will you need a mic?"

That's literally
the only thing I need.

I'm like,
"No, actually I don't need a mic.

You know what?
I don't even need an audience.

You just put a chair there,
I'll come and start blabbering."

I was in Goa day before yesterday.

And I am performing at an auditorium,
I am in the green room, I go to the loo

and I find out that the hand wash isn't
there and there's no paper napkins.

So I go to the guy
who runs the auditorium...

"Sir, there's no hand wash
and paper napkins in the toilet."

So he looks at me and
very seriously says...

"Yeah, so?

It's Sunday today."

I'm like,
"Don't people take a dump on Sundays?

What do you mean it's a Sunday?"

For the longest time, every time my
parent's friends ask them you know...

"What does Varun do?"

They couldn't really say.

So my dad would say,
"Something creative."

I don't know why this
is the symbol of creativity.

I'm like, "Dad!
This doesn't mean I'm creative.

This means I am ACP Pradyuman

from CID."

But I am half Sindhi,
half Maharashtrian.

Which means I am full of billion
business ideas but too lazy to execute.

Why are you clapping
because Maharashtrians are lazy?

Here's the thing.

I come from a middle class background.

Any middle class people in the house?

Make some noise.

Of course,
always happy, always excited.

Yeah!

You know how you know
someone is middle class?

They'll tell you.

Over and over again.

No, no. We don't do this.
We are middle class.

No, we are middle class.
We don't do this.

Middle class people love two things.

They love displaying their
modesty and their underwear.

Standard.

Before you go to a middle
class person's house,

you already know what
colour underwear they wear.

We have this weird
affinity towards plastic.

We love plastic.

We want to cover
everything up in plastic.

Especially our remotes.

I got my new TV five years ago.

My remote still has plastic.

And it's not like we put new plastic
every year, it's the same plastic.

The gum from the cello tape has
dried and it's hanging like that.

But we still use it.

I asked my dad.
I'm like...

"Dad listen. Why do we still have
this plastic cover on the remote?"

This is what he told me.

"Son, the reason it is like this

is because when people come to our house,

they need to see we
keep our stuff properly."

I'm like, "Who are these people?

Who are coming to your house

and judging you by
how you keep your remote."

"We had gone to the Thakur's.
The house is okay but the remote..."

You know there is optimum utilisation of
resources in middle class households.

Optimum utilisation of resources.

The other day I was brushing
and then the toothpaste is over.

So I told my dad,
"Dad, the toothpaste is over."

He's like, "What? Give it to me.

You can't even use it properly."

I'm like, "Use it properly?
I've used it."

"Give it."

Then he did something called
'The Middle Class Squeeze.'

You guys know
The Middle Class Squeeze?

Where you take the
paste and then you turn it.

And then you press it.

And throw it on the ground and...

If it still doesn't work,
"Hey, get the tractor quickly."

Even when we use our shampoos right,

you guys when you come
to the end of the shampoo,

what do you guys do?

"Fuck this."

We don't do that.

We're like, "Give me water."

Even when we buy a car,

we buy everything
that comes with the car.

You know,
the detachable stereo system.

The tissue paper with Britney Spears'
face on it for some reason.

That Ganpati up-top
and the Ambi Pur bottle.

That's the most important thing.

The Ambi Pur bottle.

Till it gets over.

And you realise the
new bottle cost 500 bucks.

So this empty bottle just
sits there in front of the AC.

Even when we shop for clothes,
we'll always shop in a sale.

Always.

You go shop in the sale,
the older brother wears it.

When he is done,
he gives it to the younger brother.

Once he is done wearing it,
it becomes one of three things.

It becomes a rag, a night suit
or your watchman will wear it.

Go to my building right now,

you'll see a 35 year old Bihari
guy wearing a T-shirt that says,

'Fuck me. I am famous.'

Don't ask me why I had that T-shirt.

And if it doesn't become one of these
things, it becomes clothes for Holi.

"Son, don't throw this.
Wear this during Holi."

I have a cupboard
full of Holi clothes.

I have 35 options of
clothes to wear on a day

where nobody gives a
fuck about what I'm wearing.

You know, but we are
not happy with what we get.

Once you pay some amount of money,
you will always want more.

Middle class people always want more.

You get the sandwich,
"Add some chutney. Add some more.

A little more."

This is their go to response.

"Please add some more."

Because the other person is like...

"Fuck man. Take this."

You know middle class
people treat their kids

like they treat their electronics.

If it's not working, hit it hard.

I've never given
my electronics for repair.

My dad just takes it
and hits it really hard

and it starts working amazingly.

They do the same thing
with their kids.

Like when I was younger,
my mom would run around the house

hit me with anything
that was one arm distance away.

Anything.

Belt, rolling pin.

One day she threw
a potato cutlet at me.

And I was like, wait.

Should I irritate her more so that
she throws chutney and bread also?

But dads don't do that.

Dads don't do that.

Dad will just sit in the chair,
look at you and say...

"Hey, come here.

You come here.

I am not running after you.
I will hit you here."

My parents were
really supportive.

You know they've
supported everything I do.

Even when I was younger they would
push me to do a lot of things.

Especially fancy dress.

Did people here take part
in fancy dress, make some noise!

It's fucking amazing.

I love fancy dress and my mom
was really serious about fancy dress.

You all have to do fancy dress...

She was like very competitive,
you know.

In our school, we had a rule.

If one place plays a character,
another person can't do that. Right?

So in my first fancy dress competition,
I wanted to dress up as Gandhi.

And then I remembered,
why do they call it fancy dress?

I'm dressed up as Gandhi,
which is the least fancy...

a dress can get.

Right?
But there was another kid.

Even he wanted to be Gandhi.
So we were both fighting.

"I will become Gandhi, I will
become Gandhi. I will become Gandhi."

Then our mothers were
very competitive, got involved.

"No, my son will become Gandhi.

My son will become Gandhi.

My son will become Gandhi."

Eventually I got to play the part.

But I was really scared,

I was hoping the other mother doesn't
dress her son up like Nathuram Godse.

"Aunty please don't do that.

It'll be very wrong, very wrong.
Don't do that, please."

So I got to be Gandhi, right?

And I had my full dress on.

I had the dhoti, I had the glasses,

I had the bald cap.

But as I was going up,
the bald cap slipped.

So all the hair in the
front just stood up like that.

So now I have a spike cut.

And I go up on stage,

so basically I was Gandhi
if he was in Dil Chahta Hai.

The second year my mom said...

"You know what we'll
mix it up a little bit.

This time, I am going to
dress you up as a drug addict."

Hold on, let me explain.

She was like,
"You know what I am going to do?

I am going to give you a straw.

The straw will have powder in it,
you go up on stage

you blow the powder out,
powder goes up.

You cough *coughs*!

Drugs are bad, don't do drugs."

I'm like sure.

I am 9 years old, I don't give a shit.

So the day happens and
I am waiting in the aisle,

about to go up,
the teacher's on stage

announcing the other guy out

she's like,
"Rohan, that was a very good peacock.

Up next, we have Varun and he is a...

Good peacock, no?

Up next is Varun and he is a...

drug addict."

And I just walked in
on stage sauntering like that

because that's how
I think drug addicts are.

I've gone in and I've
just blown up! *coughs*

Drugs are bad, don't do drugs.
I came first.

You know, now I realise my mom
made Udta Punjab 20 years ago.

And in the final year of fancy dress,
my mom said...

"You know what? This year you're going
to be something out of this world."

I'm like, "Really? What?"

She's like,
"You're going to be Miss World."

I'm like, "Sure.
I am 10. I don't give a shit."

And so I was wearing my cousin
sister's halter dress, off shoulder?

Whatever the fuck that is called.

You know the gloves in my
hand and the tiara and the sash.

And here's how middle
class my parents are.

Even in a hypothetical competition

where they could
dress me up as anything.

They dressed me up as Miss World.

Not Miss Universe.

So I asked my mom.
"Mom! Why can't I be Miss Universe?"

She looked and me and she was like...
"Son, have you seen your face!"

You guys agree that we have
the worst ads on Indian TV, yes?

Make some noise if you
think they are the worst ads.

I think they are getting
worse by the day, right?

The other day was watching
TV and I saw an ad for bottled water.

Manikchand Oxyrich.

Because when I think of clean, pure
drinking water, I think of Manikchand.

It's called Manikchand Oxyrich.

And the tagline is,
"Now with more oxygen."

Here is a scientific
joke for you, guys.

Chemical composition of water is H2O.

Two atoms of hydrogen,
one atom of oxygen.

More oxygen makes it H2O2.

Which is hydrogen peroxide
which will kill you.

But it's Manikchand.
So it probably is hydrogen peroxide.

Then there was an ad
for a phone company, okay?

I forget which one it is.

And the USP of that phone
is that it's two-way answer phone.

Because you know sometimes
when you answer the phone

you answer it the other way round.

But now don't worry, because
Samsung has a new phone for you guys.

Seriously.
How lazy are these fuckers?

That you had to dedicate an entire

Research & Development
team on doing this.

See, who are these people?
You call them and they'll be like...

"Hello!"

"Yeah, say!"

"Bro, I can't hear you."

"Because I am holding
the phone the other way round."

I'm like, "So hold it properly."

"No, it's too much work.
I think I need a new phone."

Every ad on TV is technology, right?

No matter what the product is.
"This has technology."

Like two letters and
technology after that.

"This has technology.
Wow, we will have to buy it."

And I was in Pune and I
heard this ad on radio, right?

The ad was...

"A-1 mosquito repellent,
now with Mosquito-Go-Away technology."

Guys, they've stopped giving a fuck.

They're like, "Write anything. Write
technology, these morons will buy it."

Mosquito-Go-Away technology?

Could lesser fucks be
given in naming technology?

It's like he made this technology
and then went to his two year old niece...

"Sweetie, what should I name this?"

"Uncle, what happens with this?"

"Mosquitoes go away."

"Mosquito-Go-Away technology."

Then you have ads for face wash.

Like a face wash is
not a face wash anymore.

Face wash is anti-darkening,
anti-pimple,

anti-wrinkle,
anti-twinkle, anti-this, anti-sweat.

A new Garnier face
wash is anti-pollution.

I was like, what?

We are killing it in
science and technology.

We are removing pollution
with our face wash.

I'm like why are poor people in
Delhi following the Odd and Even rule.

They should just be putting
face wash in their exhaust pipe.

Even ads for creams.

When you watch any ad for creams,
what does it say?

"This contains vitamin A,
B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J..."

There's more vitamins
in my cream than my breakfast.

And that ad would always end with...

"Vitamin blah blah.
And essential minerals."

I'm like if the minerals are
so essential, tell me what they are.

Why are you hiding it?

Did you watch any ad for deodorants?

What does it say?

Spray this deodorant,
chicks will have sex with you.

But there is this new deodorant.

New Fogg deodorant.
They changed their USP.

They're like,
"Now, with guaranteed 800 sprays."

All the Gujjus are like, "Wow!
What a deal!

800 sprays in 80 rupees?

Amazing!"

No seriously.

Now with guaranteed 800 sprays?

So every time I spray a deodorant, I
have to maintain a fucking excel sheet.

"Kshh kssh! Monday, 2 sprays."

"Kshh kssh! Wednesday 5 sprays."

"Kssh! Saturday I'm meeting
a girl so I'll use the whole bottle."

But there was an ad
a couple of years back.

I don't know how many of you
guys saw. There was an ad--

(distinct laughter)
Wow! Someone's getting the joke now.

There was an ad, there was an ad
a couple of years ago for rat poison.

I don't know if you guys saw that.
And the tagline for that was...

"Rats will eat this inside your
house, then die outside."

You guys remember that, right?

Tell me one thing.

Are rats that obedient?

And this one rat comes home,
he's eating it.

Suddenly he starts gagging.

Another rat is like, "Hey Prakash!
What are you doing?

Go outside and die.

Haven't you seen the ad?
Get out.

Get out.

Get out."

But these are ads on TV.

I'll tell you the worst kind of ads.

Please tell me you
guys watch Teleshopping.

(audience cheers)

It's my midnight entertainment.

Just watch Teleshopping.

The minute you are sad,
tired, depressed in life,

just watch that.

And bless yourself that
you don't have to do that.

Because I have been called
to audition for Telebrands.

I am not even kidding you.

I've been called to
audition for Telebrands.

I was watching it the other day,
I was watching Telebrands.

Any ad for Telebrands
begins like this.

You have a white dude
that just says one thing,

"I used to be very fat."

It makes no difference
what the product is.

This is a roti maker.
"I used to be very fat."

"I used to be very fat."

So the ad that I was
watching the other day,

they were selling
low calorie toothpaste.

Who the fuck is eating toothpaste?

And why?

Can you imagine the ad for that?

"I used to be very fat.

I used to eat all my toothpaste.

While brushing in the morning,

I'd have lunch, breakfast,
dinner all at once.

I used to be an idiot.

But now I use this toothpaste
from Telebrands

and I'm an even bigger idiot now."

(distinct laughter)

Wow!

We have a hyena in the crowd.

So that's one kind
of Teleshopping ads.

But there is another kind.

It's called Gold Safe.
Has anyone here watched Gold Safe?

I'll tell you for those of you
who don't know Gold Safe is this show

where they show you pictures
of two celebrities put together.

I was 100 percent sure.

50 percent of you
guys have called it also.

Fuck you guys.
I'm sure.

So the Gold Safe is a show

where a picture of
two celebrities are put together.

You know using state-of-the-art
technology like...

Microsoft Paint.

I was watching it the other night,

they had a picture of Sachin Tendulkar

and Kareena Kapoor put together.

Sachin's face is round.

Kareena's face is long.

Their resultant picture
looked like an ice-cream cone.

Because they don't give a fuck.

They're like, "Add anything.
Nobody will know."

And then you have this amazing
host who comes up and she says...

"Hello!

You are watching Gold Safe.

If you call now and
guess who are these celebs,

you will get a chance
to win 50 thousand rupees.

Just imagine, what all can
you buy with 50 thousand rupees.

You can buy a car, an AC,

TV, fridge, you can go out
for dinners, you can party too.

In 50 thousand rupees. Come on!

Call now and guess
who are these celebs."

Compared to her,
Shankar Mahadevan's Breathless

sounds like a fucking lullaby.

I don't know who this chick's cocaine
dealer is but I want her number.

And she is really bad.

She's really bad.

Her entire career
is a bad audition tape.

"Come on, call now and
guess who are these people."

Then the best thing happens.

Because all the callers call in.

Right?

And these fuckers never get it right.

Okay, so one caller comes in...

"Our first caller.
Come on guess. Who are they?"

"Madam, Sunny Deol and Lara Dutta."

I'm like a blind goat
can get that answer right.

Then other guy calls up...

"Our second caller.
Guess who these celebs are?"

"Madam, Arjun Rampal
and Kangana Ranaut."

I'm like you called Sachin Tendulkar,
Arjun Rampal?

Sachin's great with a piece of willow.

Arjun Rampal is the piece of willow.

So maybe.

But still.

And then she realises
no one is getting it right.

Because like 80 people
called and nobody gets it right.

So then she's like...

I can see what you're doing."

And suddenly you're like, "Oh shit!"

She's like,
"I can see what you're doing.

I am here just for you. Just for you.

I am here so that you
can win 50 thousand rupees.

50 thousand.

I'll give you hints
if you want to win. Hints.

Check this guy out.

Anjali Tendulkar."

I'm like really?
That's your hint for Sachin Tendulkar?

Anjali Tendulkar?

And then she's like,
"Check this girl out.

She is not a Ash.

She is not a Sonam.

She is not a Bipasha.

She is not a Katrina.

Her name starts with
K- and ends with -areena Kapoor.

Guess who is she."

Even then some dickhead
calls up and he's like...

"Oh madam, Sanjay Kapoor!"

Then nowadays they've
started selling viagra...

on Teleshopping.

Have you guys seen that?

Power Prash!

Power Prash!

And they make it seem so legitimate.

You know they have one dude
who is wearing a dhoti and a kurta.

He signifies the
Ayurvedic side of things.

Then next to him is a guy in a suit

who signifies the scientific
side of things.

And then you have Kashmira Shah,

who signifies tits.

And she looks to the
camera and she's like...

"Nowadays a lot of couples
go through a lot of physical problems.

And now let's hear
Manoj and Payal's story

who are facing the
same physical problem."

And then you cut to a recreation
of Manoj and Payal's life.

Where Manoj is just standing
like that and Payal is just...

And Manoj is like...

"Payal, what happens
to you every morning?"

And Payal looks at him and goes...

"Me? What happens to you every night?"

Ohh!

That's cold.

And Manoj has no comeback right there.
He's like...

And then Payal just goes on and on.

She's like, after marriage have you
even pleasured me?

Those beautiful memories,
those colourful nights.

Those sweet talks.

Those wet dreams."

Here's the thing.

In this entire ad, for viagra they
don't mention the word sex even once.

They only speak in
these weird euphemisms.

And he's like...

"Payal, but I am trying!"

"Trying? You just keep trying then.
Here are the divorce papers."

I was like one second.

Why are you roaming
around with divorce papers?

Even divorce lawyers
don't have it handy.

How the fuck do you have it handy?

And she pulled it
out of her Salwar Kameez.

I'm like how the fuck does
the Salwar Kameez have a back pocket?

It's baffling.

And she get's pissed
and she throws and runs away.

And walks out.
And Manoj is like, "Payal!"

You know because this signifies loss.

And he turns around.

As he turns around, his friend

is behind him.

Who is in a full suit and a tie,
ready to go to work.

And he turns around and he's like...

"Hey! Ravi!"

And Ravi is standing there, okay?

Two things wrong with that.

First thing...

for Ravi to be behind him, he'll
have to have been inside the house.

And he's like, "What happened Manoj?"

Manoj says,
"I don't know what to say, Ravi."

"If you won't tell me, then
who else will you tell this to?"

He's like, "Forget it."
And walks away.

Walks away, goes to a window.

And just stands in the window.

Because this signifies sadness.

And then Ravi comes from behind.

And as the reassuring hand
of the friend on the shoulder.

You know like...

Like that.

He's like, "Hey Manoj.

I am your friend.
Tell me what happened."

And he turns around and again now,
he doesn't say the word sex.

He just says,
"I don't know how to say this, man.

After marriage I haven't been
able to pleasure Payal.

Those colourful memories,

those sweet talks,

Those colourful memories."

And this is Ravi's response.

"That's it? Such a small problem!"

Here's the thing, Ravi.

If your friend has
an erectile dysfunction,

saying such a small problem...

is not the right thing to say.

And Manoj is like,
"That's not a small problem!"

He's like, "This is nothing.

Here, use Power Prash."

Why the fuck is this
guy ready to go to work

with a packet of Power Prash in his...

It's like this dude wakes up
every morning, he's like,

"Lot of my friends can't get it up."

So I should be a good guy.

And just drop off a pill

At everyone with erectile dysfunction.

Seriously.

This entire ad, is about two people who
have something in their back pocket.

And one person who has
nothing in his front pocket.

But I didn't always
wanted to be a comedian.

I actually wanted to
study filmmaking, you know.

I went abroad to study filmmaking.

I was in London for a year.

Where I spent the first six months trying
to get them to pronounce my name right.

Because they are like, "Vroon!
Vroon!"

I'm like dude,
just call me Tom, it's okay.

And I spent the next six months

trying to explain to them
what are plastic cups doing in my toilet.

That's always an awkward
conversation right?

All my white friends
would come home and say...

"Vroon! Why is there a
plastic cup in your bathroom?"

"The thing is when I pee,

I get really thirsty so
I'd like to have a glass handy."

Do you guys like the British accent?
You guys like the British accent?

Sounds very sexy, sounds very cool.

My first proper exposure to
British accent, I walk into school

and this guy is looking at me.

He looks at me...

"Mate can you pass me
the bo-uhl of wa-uh."

He's like,
"Can you pass me the bo-uhl of wa-uh.?"

I'm like, *gibberish*

One word, English.

Sounds like?

And this guy is pissed off.

This guy is pissed off.

He's like,
"Can you pass me the bo-uhl of wa-uh?"

I'm like bottle of water?

I don't get it.

The British people made the language.

Use all the words.

"No, no. We've invented the language.
We'll omit a few words.

Go fuck yourself!

Now interpret it yourself.

We're not going to spane food.

Spane food?

Spoon feed.
Fuck.

You know the student
hostel I stayed at right?

We decided to have a potluck
and get to know each other.

Now we were all supposed
to cook food from our own country.

I was a really poor student.

I only had a packet of
Poha with me.

Do you all know what Poha is, yes?

So I made Poha and took it for dinner.

I'm like what the fuck
will these caucasians know.

I don't know what the Chinese guy made
but I am pretty sure it wasn't dead.

Because I took a serving
and it started running away from me.

I'm like, "Hey! Shut the gate.
My dinner is trying to escape."

The French girl made the *gibberish*

Because that's what
the French people do, right?

Make you eat shit you can't pronounce.

*gibberish*

I'm like, "Hey! Same to you."

The Afghan kid kept looking up hoping
for a NATO helicopter to drop something.

He's like, "Hey! Food please! Food."

But I wasn't any better.
I only had a plate of Poha with me.

And this white girl walks up to me.

She's like, "Vroon!
What have you made?"

"These are flattened rice flakes with
robust Indian spices with assorted onion

and dash of lime and sprinkle
of coriander and basil leaves."

Fuck yeah!

I went Master Chef Andheri on it.

I'm like, "Here, have some Poha."

But saying that stuff helps right?

A dash of lime.

Sprinkle of coriander.

Basil leaves.

Basil leaves are like
the push up bras for food.

They don't do shit but
they make your food look great.

So you know when I was in the UK,

they launched the Bandra-Worli
Sea-link so I was fucking excited.

I went to all my friends, I'm like...

"Guys, check out.
There's a sea-link in my city.

There's a sea-link in my city."

But no one's excited.

Because my flatmates were German,
American and Chinese.

"Hey fuck off. Get lost!"

"We have 30 thousand fuck off."

I was excited and I had
to share it with someone.

So I was like, "Hey Bangladeshi.

No, no! I won't hit you.
You come here.

Come here!

Slippers,
leave your slippers outside."

The Pakistani guy got really excited.

He's like, "Hey! Sea-link?

Very good, man!

How many entry points does it have?

5? Okay, okay!

We can go there by boat?

By boat?
Okay! Okay!

Do they have police protection?

Okay...okay!"

But that's the thing
with Pakistanis right?

Half the time they
just pretend to be Indians

and the rest of the
time they'll be like...

"Pakistan...Pakistan!"

Especially during sports.

"Pakistan will win today.

Pakistan will win."

And I'm like dude, relax.

I know you know the
results of all the games.

But chill.

But he's like,
"Today Pakistan will win.

Today Pakistan will definitely win."

I'm like, "How?
England is playing Australia.

How will Pakistan win?"

The first time I
went to London, right?

I was in the cab,

I was waiting at a signal
and I see this old Englishman walk.

And he is wearing a jeans,
T-shirt, keds.

Suddenly he walks to my car,
knocks on the window and starts begging.

I'm like,
"There's beggars in London as well?"

"Can you put some change?"

I'm like, "Hey, buddy listen.

I come from India.

Okay?

I'm so desensitised to beggars,
you have no idea.

The last guy who begged
from me didn't have an arm.

You have to up your game.

Seriously.

You are dressed better than I am.

You speak better English.

Do something at least.
Tear your clothes.

Sing a little.

Something?"

"Hey give me some change."

"Hey give me some change."

You know white people
get really excited

when they find out
that you're from India.

"Oh my God!
You're from India?

I love India.

I really want to go to India."

I'm like, "Why?"

And they'll all say this one thing.

"To find myself.

I want to find myself.

Yoga and...

...ashram"

I'm like, "You go to Marol.

You'll never find yourself."

And it was this girl's
birthday, right?

It was this girl's birthday.

She's Greek, she called us all over.

She was like,
"Guys, you know what would be awesome?

Is if you all sang Happy Birthday
to me in your own language."

Great, because the
American guy is like...

"Happy Birthday to you."

And the Chinese guy is like...
"Fu fu!"

Whatever.

I'm not being racist.

Every country has the
same tune for happy birthday.

Now they're all looking at me.

And I'm just standing there
like a constipated Udit Narayan going...

"May this day come again and again.

My heart sings again and again.

May you live a thousand years,
I pray.

Happy Birthday to you."

Why couldn't we have the
same tune for Happy Birthday?

Where is Pritam when you need him?

Alright guys, that's been my time.
You've been absolutely fantastic.

Thank you so much.

Welcome on the stage,

struggling actor...

Vicky Malhotra!

Yes hi friends Vicky this side.

And yosulf?

Very very fantastic.
Good to be here.

Hi baby! Is that your brother?

Bro, don't leave her alone like this.

Yes hi guys.

I know most of you all know mahsulf.

But if you all don't then
probably you are living under a rock

or Koparkhairne or whatever.

Because both places
don't have Snapchat.

But for all you loserz
who don't know mahsulf.

I have to tell you stuff about me.

If there are any
directors in the crowd

or whatever or they want to make
a biopic on me or whatever.

So you'll know everything.
Okay!

So here's the thing about me.

I'm a guy.

And mah profiles are...

Thank you.

My chest is 38 inches,

biceps 22 inches,

penis 11 inches.

And when I am not horny it's 10 inches.

Mah hobbies are living,
chilling, killing, raging,

dancing, internet and pilates.

Mah best friend is Sunny.

He's an actor.

Tommy, he's an actor.

Juggy, he's an actor.

Lovey, he's an actor.

Monty, he's an actor.

And Sanket...

he's a physicist.

But we don't talk to him much
because he's a very pretty lame guy.

Since school he's been
so lame like he likes reading.

Who the fuck likes reading?

Who the fuck likes reading?

And that idiot would
sit and learn trigonometry.

I'm like bro, you're never going to
use trigonometry in real life.

Never.

Like where will you go?
You go to buy vegetables.

"Sir, give me some tomatoes.

What is the tan theta for this?
Tan theta?"

You don't do that.

You don't do that.

But I am also a reader.

I am also a reader.

There is this amazing
book that I read you know.

It helps me calm, chillax, relax.

It's for good for me time.

You must've heard of it.
It's called Playboy.

Once I pick the book up,
I just can't keep it down.

Get it?

Bro, you know what the joke is right?

Because I have an erection,
I can't keep it down.

That's the joke.

Mah favourite sun sign is Scorpion.

And...

(audience cheers)

And I am an Aries.

Mah favourite song is Summer of '639.

It's fucking amazing.

Like Summer of '639.

I don't know what 639 is.

I think it's a band name,
school roll number whatever.

But it's fantastic.
I love it.

I love it.

Very pretty fantastic that is.

Mah favourite non-veg
food is butter chicken.

And mah favourite veg
food is also butter chicken.

Because veg food sucks.

And I think vegans should
just stab themselves with a carrot.

Like seriously.

What the fuck are these vegans?

They're so annoying.

Like I'll tell you
why I get irritated okay.

Like the other day, I went
on a date with this slutty chick.

And...

We went for the date
and so I called for mah food.

You know I called for butter chicken,
chicken tikka masala,

butter naan, chicken naan, garlic naan

and edamame sushi.

And I told her, "Yosulf
can call for whatever you want."

And she's like, "Vicky!
I'm very pretty sorry.

But I'm a vegan."

I'm like, "Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Yosulf is a vegan?

What are you going to tell me next?

You have herpes?"

But anyway she had
nice tits so I stayed.

And then she called for her food.

She called for organic,
non gluten, non dairy,

non tasty, legume only salad.

Basically she called
for air in a bowl.

Then we called for the bill and
mah bill was 600 and her bill is 1200.

1200?

I'm like how does your food have half
the ingredients and is twice the price?

But she has nice tits, so I paid.

No, but I told the slutty vegan chick,
I told her, "Listen.

Your dinner might be vegan

but your dessert is at my house
and it's non-vegan."

Yea, I've never spoken
to her after that but fuck it.

You know but like see,
I'm a sexist guy.

I'm a sexist guy.

I am telling you straight up,
I'm a sexist guy.

Alright?

My friends are like...

"Dude, you can't tell that in public."

I'm like, "Fuck you.
I can tell whatever I want."

And what's wrong with sexist?

Like person who likes
lyrics is a lyricist.

Person who like cycle is a cyclist.

I like sex.

So I'm a sexist.

Or fuckist or doggy stylist.

Whatever you want to call me.

Whatever.

You know, mah favourite
holiday destination is Ibiza.

I love Ibiza because
for a rager like mahself

Ibiza is like Vaishnodevi.

I'm like, oh Ibiza Ibiza!

It's very pretty fantastic.

It's always parties
and all everywhere.

Like you go for a pre-party,
then you go for a party.

Then you go for the after party,
then you go for a post party.

Then you go for the after post party.

And then you go for
the morning rave party.

And then you come
back from the post party

which is the pre-party
of the after party.

And then party party,
another party and then another party.

And after 19 days,
it'll be party party party!

It's very pretty relaxing.

It's very pretty relaxing.

You know all hot people
come and ask me like...

"Bro, why do want to be a comedian?"

To these people I say, "Fuck you."

I can be whatever I want.

You know what I mean?

See, here's the thing.

I'm trying an alternative
way to get to Bollywood.

You know, I am a very alternate
kind of guy. Alternate.

Oh alternate.

Oh alternative.

Oh alternate guy.

Have you seen me walking?

Oh fuck he's so alternate.

Fuck!

Like that!

It's so very pretty simple like see
Vir Das became comedian became actor.

Himesh Reshammiya became
singer became actor.

Tusshar Kapoor became
Jeetendra's son became actor.

So basically it's mah dad's fault.

Okay, all my dad had to do was become
an actor and I would become an actor.

But no, my dad became a businessman.

He could be anything.

He could be a producer, director,
music director, spot boy, whatever.

I would become an actor.
But no.

He want to be a businessman.

Yea, mah dad is a businessman.

Mah mother is a mom.

And...

Like...

No really, she's a mom.

She's a mom. What do you know?
She's a mom.

My mother is a mom.

And then you know people
keep asking me like,

"What kind of
businessman is your dad?"

I'm like, I don't give a flying fuck.

As long as I get 10 lakh rupees a month

for ma living, chillin,
raging, I don't care.

I don't care if he's a businessman
or a bar dancer, cocaine dealer.

Whatever.

Infact, I don't even
know my dad's first name.

His name on my phone is 1204 Malhotra.

1204 is his ATM pin.

Let me have mah protein shake.

Protein is very pretty important.

So anyway I told my dad,

"Dad listen why doesn't yosulf
be like other guy's dad.

Why can't you produce
a movie for mahsulf?

Just give me 50 crore
and produce a movie for mahsulf.

Like Hrithik's dad did it.

In 2000. 2003, 2007, 2009, 2016.

Why isn't yosulf doing it?"

He's like, "Okay fine son.
Here is 50 crores."

I'm like, Kewl?

I got it.

But the problem is that none of these
actresses want to act with mahsulf.

And they're all giving me
lame reasons like...

"Oh, we are not okay
with topless scenes.

We are not okay with
bottom less scene.

We're not okay with frontal nudity,
backal nudity, lip lock, item number."

I'm like yea, good luck in Bollywood.

Seriously like mah surname
is Malhotra...

not Barjatya.

So if any of yosulfs is a sexy
actress and wants to act in mah movie

Sex, Love or Something Else,
let me know.

Very pretty hit movie.

When it comes out.

Sex, Love or Something Else.

It is always something else.

You know the other day
I called my dad and told him...

"Dad listen, for my surprise
b'day gift, I want a BMW.

I just told him straight away,
for my surprise b'day gift,

you have to give me a BMW."

You know what my dad did?

He gave me an Audi.

Fuck.

I'm like, "Dad,
if you don't love me, just tell me.

What are you giving me
this Audi for?

Shee!"

Like he's done this in the past also.
Like when I was young, I told mah dad.

I said, "Dad listen! I want a dog.
I want a Doberman."

You know what my dad did?

He got me a pomerrrrrian.

What the fuck?

Pomerrrrrian?

I don't want a pomerrrrrian.

Very pretty annoying.

Anyways he was a cute dog.

You know and I didn't
want to give him any cliched names

like Tommy or Tuffy or whatever.

So I called him Scooby.

And you know they say that
the dog behaves like it's owner.

So obviously mah dog
was very pretty horny.

Because one day he was fucking air.

Like he was fucking air.

He was just fucking air like that.

You know we were all
sitting at home eating dinner

or whatever and the doors open,
this fucker ran away.

He ran away.

My dad and I running after him,
we go to the neighbouring lane.

Now he's become friends
with these group of dogs.

All chilling or whatever.

And then another gang of dogs come

and they are about to fight
like Eagle gang, Scorpion gang.

I'm like, "Scooby, come here.

Don't do Saila-ru Saila-re.

Come here."

Confusing.

He's like, "Saila-ru, saila-re!"

I'm like what?
What are you doing?

Seriously.

So we went to get him
and he ran away from us.

He ran away and mahsulf
and my dad are running after him

and then I could hear a car screech.

And then I heard a sound...

"Awwoo Awwoo Awoo!"
I'm like oh mah God!

Scooby's come under a car.

So when I went and checked.

I'm like oh thank God,
it's not Scooby.

And then I just went ahead

you know to the neighbouring lane.

What? It's not my dog.
I'm not going to pick him up.

So I went to this
neighbouring lane okay

and in mah neighbouring
lane there's a temple.

And outside the temple
there is a fat bitch.

What?

A female dog is also called a bitch.

I don't call women bitches.

Unless they want me to,
then I do.

But anyway,
so this fat bitch is a big dog!

A big big bitch sitting
outside the temple.

Because every person eats half the
sweet and gives her the rest.

So this fat bitch
has now become a cow.

And she's just sitting
outside the temple like that.

But now I am looking,
behind this fat cow who is that?

It's Scooby.

Scooby is behind the
cow and he's just like...

He was doggy styling.

Or as he likes to call it,
styling or whatever.

He's does that and mah dad is like...
"Oh mah God, this is Scooby.

Scooby don't!
Scooby don't! Scooby don't!"

I'm like, "Dad, it's not Scooby Don't.
It's Scooby Do.

Scooby Do.

Scooby Do.

Do it more."

And my dad is very pretty annoying.

He doesn't even want to
let Scooby have sex in peace.

He's like,
"Scooby don't! Scooby don't!"

And you know what Scooby does?
He's fucking like that okay?

And he turns around.

"What is it?

What's yosulf's problem?

Do I come to yosulf's room
when yousulf is having sex?

Get out."

I've been living in Bombay
for like 3 years, you know.

I stay in a very pretty small,
4BHK in LW.

Lokhandwala.

But it is very pretty small.

Only 10 lakh rupees a month.
It's very pretty tough mah life.

Very pretty annoyed.

But one thing I noticed,
the other day right?

I met with an accident.

Because this idiot has
stopped at a red light before me.

I'm driving, he stopped
at red light and I banged into him.

And then he comes out and he's like...
"Bro, you're drunk."

I'm like, "Umm, no!

I've had only 8 drinks,
I'm buzzed at best."

He's like, "Bro, why is yosulf
not looking on the road and driving?"

I'm like, "Because I'm texting.

How do I text and look
at the road at the same time?

Bloody idiot."
I said, "Were you texting?"

He said, "No!"

I'm like,
"Yosulf should also look on the road,

yosulf should look at the rear view,
see I am coming fastly

and get out of my way.
You fucking idiot."

Stopping at a red light.

Loser.

You know who is the most
excited to see an accident?

Those unemployed mofos
on the side of the road.

Have you seen those
guys standing like that?

We fuck up, they are the most excited.

"Boss, what happened?
Boss what happened?

What happened? Tell me.

I'll tell you what happened?

What happened, what happened?"

I'm like,
"How will you tell me, you idiot?

You were scratching
your balls two minutes back.

What you're a lawyer now?"

Seriously there is so much pointless
employment in Bombay,

it's not even funny.

Like the other day I went
to this mall, what is that?

Palldiyum.

I went in and the security guard okay,
he comes and this James Bond

comes and knocks on mah window.
He's like...

"Sir, can you please
open the glove compartment?"

I'm like, "Why? What do you want to do
see my RC book, insurance papers what?"

He's like, "No sir.
I want to check if you have a gun."

So I'm like, "Come here.

Put your head inside, come here.

This is a glove compartment.

Not a gun compartment.

Nobody keeps their gun
in the glove compartment.

What you think ISIS
has made this whole plan

"Bro, we have a very
pretty fantastic place.

We'll hide there.

Nobody will know.

Yes sir, where?

We can hide it in
the glove compartment."

So I went to the sea-link
the other day, okay?

And like 20 metres away from the booth,
there's a guy who's job is to do this.

I'm like very pretty thanks, bro!

Because it couldn't call me, I was
just going to drive into the sea.

And then 10 metres away, there's
another guy who's job is like...

"Hey, keep the change ready.
Keep the change ready."

I'm so very pretty confused.

I'm like do you work
for sea-link or you a beggar?

What are you?

Then you reach the booth

and then you give your money
to the guy outside the booth

who gives it to the
guy inside the booth.

Puts in it and then he gives it
to the guy outside the booth

who gives it to you.

That's 4 peoples.

4 peoples.

And just when you thought it's over,
guess what, it's not.

Because there is another
guy who's job is to do this.

Bloody idiots.

No but like seriously.

People ask me, "Bro,
why do you want to become an actor?"

I'm like, "Umm! Bro! I don't want
to become an actor. I am an actor."

Seriously.

Yeah! Make some fucking noise.

Anyway and becoming an
actor is a very pretty tough job.

You know you have
to do a lot of things.

You know a lot of preparations.

Like what I did.
I joined the gym.

It's very pretty, like I bought
all the latest equipment, you know.

You know wireless headsets,
Nike headband, wrist band,

shock absorbing shoes.

I got Fitbit, whatever.

You know, I have a trainer

who's put me on a
very pretty strict routine.

On Monday I do bicep,

on Tuesday I do back bicep.

On Wednesday I do chest bicep.

Thursday I do shoulder bicep.

On Friday I do bicep bicep.

And you know everybody's like,
"Hey Vicky,

when do you do legs?"

I'm like, "Umm bro!
I don't need to because I wear jeans."

You know I keep going
for auditions every time.

And the casting director
sends you text messages

telling you where the audition is,
what to wear,

who to sleep with,
who to not sleep with.

It's very pretty
important information.

So this one day I got a text message,
it said...

"Audition for Redstar batteries.

Must have rockstar look."

I'm like fuck yeah!

I'm a fucking Bon Jovi
kinda guy anyway.

Check.

And the second part
said must have lean body.

I'm like wow look at this.
I would fuck mahsulf.

Check.

Next part said must be long.

Double check.

And last part said must
be Indian version of Brad Pitt.

So I went.

I'm like why don't you just write
in the message

that you want Vicky Malhotra.

No seriously.

Brad and I have the same jawline like
I would be the one divorcing Angelina.

But herself has not met me
and so it's not happening.

And so I love going for auditions
like the other day

I went for an audition
for pregnancy test.

Yea, so I go for the audition

and the casting director
comes to me and he's like...

"Okay bro,
this is an improvised audition.

In this your wife is going
to tell you she is pregnant

and whatever your reaction is,
is the audition.

I'm like wow! So very pretty easy.

Like I love improvising
because once you date 18 chicks

at the same time,
you have to be good at improvising.

I'm like Kewl.

I'm good, I'm improviser.
Everything.

Bring it on!

He's like, "Kewl, are you ready?"
I'm like, "Yes, one second!

Yes ready!"

He said, "Action!"

I'm like, "Yes, hi Priya!
Mahsulf Vicky this side and yosulf?

Can you please make butter chicken?"

And then he's like, "Cut! Cut! Cut!"

I'm like, "What happened?"

He's like, "Why is yosulf
asking her for butter chicken?"

I'm like,
"Umm, because I like butter chicken?

And she's my wife."

He's like, "Bro! No, no, no!

She's pregnant,
she's telling you she's pregnant,

don't talk to her
about food or whatever."

I'm like, "Okay, kewl!"

He's like,
"Are you ready for your next take?"

I said, "Yes!"

Ready!

Action!

"Yes, hi Priya!
Vicky this side and yosulf?

The food was very pretty
okay but my stomach is hurting

and I've got really
like pain or whatever."

And again he is saying cut.

I'm like, "What happened now?"

He's like, "Why are you
still talking about that?"

I said because she made
fuck all butter chicken.

Her mother has not taught her anything.
She makes fuck all butter chicken.

That's spicy.

Bloody I got acid reflux.

And he's like, "Bro! Bro! Bro!

You listen it's not about
the food or whatever.

Like you had the butter chicken,
you've gone to the doctor.

You had digestives,
it's five days later...

And like she's telling you
she's pregnant, how will you react?"

I'm like, "Kewl!"

He's like, "Cool! Are you ready?"
I said, "Yes!"

Ready!

Action!

I'm like, "Yes hi Priya,
masulf Vicky this side and yosulf?

Who's fucking baby is that?"

Again he is saying cut.

He's like, "Why is yosulf
asking her about who's baby that is.

It doesn't fucking matter
who's baby it is.

It could be my baby..."
I'm like, "Oh my God!

You motherfucker.

You have been having
sex with my wife?

Behind my back?"

And then even my wife is like,
"No actually, it's not his."

I'm like, "Shut up you fucking bitch.

You fucking lied to me?"

I cannot cannot act.

I told them I want to get out
of here because I cannot act in an ad

where my director has
had a kid with my wife.

It's very pretty
uncomfortable for masulf.

And I just left.

But I still love going for auditions.

I still love going for auditions.

You know because very pretty
sexy chicks come for auditions.

Wow!

I love it.

You know nowadays there's a lot of
Brazilian chicks coming to auditions.

And Brazilian chicks are like
Indian chicks with Amaro filter anyway.

No, no! You're pretty. You're pretty.

Okay, but that's a trend right?

Nowadays like all these
chicks come from abroad countries.

And they don't know
how to speak in Hindi.

And they become top actress.

Like Katrina Kaif,
Jacqueline Fernandez, Sunny Leone,

Upen Patel...

They all are very pretty successful.

You know why?

It's because cleavage has no language.

Cleavage has no language.

It's everywhere.
Yes I understand what you say.

You know but I've also been
selected for independent film.

You guys know independent films?

Independent film?

Yea I've been selected for independent
films but it is the worst thing to do.

Because independent films
are independent of money.

They have no money.

All beggars. Poor people.

I went on set and I find out that
my vanity van is a fucking tree shade.

Now I was very pretty hungry.
I went on set you know.

I wanted my high protein
soya and chicken salad,

so I was like,
"Where is the spot boy?"

And suddenly one guy
comes to me and he's like,

"Excuse me sir.
The spot boy is a little busy.

He is taking a shot right now."

I'm like, "Oh my God!

The spot boy is also
the cinematographer?"

And he looks at me like, "Yea, bro!
Everyone's done two-two rolls.

So you are seventh lead
and you are makeup boy.

I'm like, "Umm! No!

I'm going to be fuck-off-boy.

And you're going
to be suck-mah-dick-boy.

I'm out."

Then people are like, "Bro!

You should join theatre
if you want to become an actor."

I said, "Umm! No!

You should join theatre
if you want to become poor."

Like seriously.

I don't want my daily wage
to be 7 rupees and half cup of tea.

Like seriously.

I can't do that.

I've gone to a lot of theatres.

You know I see these guys wearing

Khadi, Kurtas, you know.
Holding that skull in their head.

"To be or not to be!"

I'm like, "Bro, come!
Let me help you out.

Please don't be a theatre actor.

It's simple.

Because like theatre
is lot like movies,

except nobody is shooting it
and nobody seeing it.

It's a good joke, I know.

No, that's why I just
love like regular movies.

Like my favourite genre
of movie is sex comedy.

I also like sex drama.

Sex thriller, sex action.

Sex period film, oh wait!

That can't happen.
You can't do sex period.

So bro, you know the
joke is what happens...

you can't have sex during periods.
That's the problem.

But you know, I know you
guys are looking at me and thinking

and oh fuck,
he's such a casanova kinda guy.

I know, I know.
I can see it in your eyes.

Like wow!
How is he a casanova player?

But there is a very
other side to mahsulf.

You know, important thing
that I want to talk to you guys.

It's about this gal,
I was in love with.

And she was in love with mahsulf.

Her name was Lovely.

And I was her lovely.

So Lovely and I were having
a very pretty good relationship

till one day she told me
that she is going for office trip.

And that she is going on Saturday
and she's going to come on Monday.

Okay?

So obviously I called
another chick home.

Seriously.

I'm a very gentleman kinda guy, also.

I'm not going to
tell this chick's name.

I will just call her Busty.

So Busty...

I still get dreams
about that sometimes.

You know, so Busty and I were at mah
house and out of nowhere Lovely shows up.

Lovely shows up.

She catches me and she's like,
"I want to break up with yosulf!"

And she broke up with me.

I was so sad.

I was so sorrow.

I was like oh my God.

Yosulf is breaking up with mahsulf?

Like seriously?

I trusted you.

I put mah belief in you,

you know I wanted you,
you wanted me, we wanted love.

Then why did you
cheat on me like that?

Why did you tell me you are coming
on Monday and then come on Sunday?

It's a complete break of trust.

If you've had just kept
your word and come on Monday

and not on Sunday,
we would still be together.

That's why all the gals here,
I just want to tell you all one thing.

Okay?

If tomorrow, you tell your boyfriend
that you are coming on Monday,

then don't come on Sunday.

If you come on Sunday,
then you message him.

And for some reason if
he can't reply to your message

because maybe if he's
handcuffed to a bed?

Don't come to his house.

And if you come to the house
and you come inside,

you'll see another
girl's shoes and her bra,

then don't come to the room.

If you reach outside the
room and you can hear sounds like,

"Oh wow Vicky!
More more, amazing. You're so big!"

Do not open the door.

It's simple physics.

Simple physics.

No but the two weeks,
when Lovely and I were together,

she taught me very
many things about gals.

You know, all you guys, all will
agree with mahsulf when I say this.

When women say that they're fine,
they are not fine.

Then once Lovely was angry and
I asked, "Listen why are you angry?"

She's like, "I'm not angry."

I'm like, "Okay kewl! Wanna have sex?"

And...

She was like, "Why will I have
sex with you? I am angry with you."

I said.
"You said yosulf is not angry."

She's like,
"You tell me why I am angry?"

I'm like,
"Why is yosulf playing KBC with me?

Like seriously tell me what you feel?

Just tell me what you feel."

You know ladies tell me...

if tomorrow you're going to eat a
sandwich and you go to the sandwich guy

and you want to eat a chicken sandwich
but you tell the guy mutton sandwich.

And then the guy gives
you mutton sandwich.

Then you can't get pissed off and
say why you giving me mutton sandwich,

I want chicken sandwich.

He'll be like, "You didn't
tell me you wanted chicken sandwich."

And then you'll say,

"Can you not tell from my
face that I want chicken sandwich?"

No!

He cannot tell you

because he doesn't know what
a chicken sandwich face looks like.

Seriously.

Like another thing that chicks do na.

They always keep cribbing like gals.

I swear to God.

They are so annoying!

They just look at the cupboard
all the time and they're like,

"Oh my God! I have no clothes.

Oh my God! I have no clothes."

Her cupboard was full.

It was more stuffy than
Siddhivinayak on Tuesday.

She' s like,
"Oh my God! I don't have any clothes."

I'm like, "Lovely! You have eyes.

Your cupboard is full of clothes.

You can dress up half of Africa."

And then if they are not
worried about their clothes,

they are worried about themselves.

They're like, "Oh mah God!
Mah hair is not looking good,

mah face is not looking good.

I have cellulite,
mah hips have become big."

I'm like,
"Listen Lovely, all that is true.

But like telling me again and again
is not going to make it go away."

Guys, am I right guys?

Like seriously, I can help you out.

Why don't you keep that
cupcake down and go for a jog?

Seriously like you can't talk about
women and not talk about their driving.

Like seriously.

It's fantastic.

The best comedy show ever.

Why is it that everytime
a woman is driving

and it seems like she
is driving for the first time?

Like seriously,
I don't understand this.

Have you seen women parallel park?

Oh my God!

The best way for chicks to
parallel park is to give it to a guy.

It's okay ladies,
I'm a sexist kinda guy.

I told you all first only.

You get what you see.

You get this.
This is sexist.

No seriously,
I don't know what the problem is.

Sexist is amazing.

You know the other thing
that I don't like with chicks,

I don't like watching
movies with chicks.

Oh my God, like seriously.

Like we are watching movie and they'll
be like, "Oh! What is happening now?

Who dies?

*gibberish*"

I'm like,
"Listen, did you have to interrupt

our make out session to ask me that?

Why yosulf is asking
me about the movie?

My name is Vicky not Wikipedia."

Like seriously, like.

And you know,
we were watching Interstellar.

She didn't understand Interstellar.

How dumb is this chick?

I'm like Interstellar
is so very pretty easy.

You guys know right?

It's a movie about two astronauts who travel
on a spaceship, who go through a

wormhole to break the space-time
continuum to meet the Lazarus colony

who created the Tesseract
in which Coop goes

and uses gravity
to talk to his daughter

and thus save the human race.

It's very pretty simple.

You know but apart from chicks also,

another thing I
absolutely love is music.

I love music.

I'm a musical kinda guy.

I am very musical.

You know like my favourite
genre of music is EDM.

EDM!

Make some noise if you like EDM.

For all you illiterates who do
not know what EDM is, EDM stands for

Extremely Dance Music.

And then you start dancing like this.

Fuck!

And the best part is
they don't have lyrics.

They don't have lyrics.

It's the most fantastic thing
because lyrics don't make you dance.

Simple.

Like how many times have you
heard a Javed Akhtar lyrics and said,

"Oh, I'll have to dance on it.

Birds, rivers, air..."

No, you don't do that.

We don't do that.

You just need beats.

You just need beats.

It's like...

It's just beats.

Like seriously, if I was not
a very pretty successful actor,

I would be a DJ.

I would be a DJ for sure.

I already have my
DJ career planned out.

You know I've got a black T-shirt,

I got sunglasses.

A laptop.

I can make a heart.

Look at this heart.

It's like it's beating.

And I can say put your hands
up in the air in 14 languages.

Like if you look at people's blood,

you'll see like red blood cells,
white blood cell.

In me you'll see red blood cell,
white blood cell and beats.

Fuck, this guy has beats in his blood.

No seriously.

Most people's heart beats dhak dhak.

You know how my heart beats?

*mimics electronic music beats*

Put your hands up in the air!

You don't have to talk to anybody.

Just slap someone on the face,
kick someone on the balls.

So very pretty amazing.

Beats came out, sorry.

You know most people think that models

and successful actors are dumb.

Let me tell you, we're not!

You know like,
I'm a very pretty political kinda guy.

I am very political.

You know, I am very pretty
amazed with what happened recently.

You know finally President Trump has
become the Prime Minister of America.

After he became the Prime Minister,
I also had like an executive order.

He's like Muslims are
not allowed from 7 countries.

I was like, "Oh mah God!"

I was so sad, I was so shocked.

I was horrified.

I was like shit, how can you do that?

How can you not have
Pakistan on the list?

Seriously.

But anyway, I am very pretty
happy that President Trump won

and not that bloody Hillary.
Oh my God!

Seriously.

If Hillary would have won,
they would've talked about other stuff

like oh welfare, education, equal rights.

And all peh peh peh!

Boring!

But with Trump America is amazing.

Like Trump has said
you do whatever you want.

You can hit black people,
you can shoot someone,

you can say Muslim fuck off.
Grab pussy, whatever you want.

Whatever you want.

And people keep saying,
"Hey bro listen.

You know Trump does not
have any political experience."

I'm like, "Hello! Have you even
become the secretary of your building?

Or class monitor?

No!

Then how can yosulf tell
me what Trump wants to do.

Like fuck that.

And honestly, who does yosulf
want to see as first lady?

You want to see Melania Trump
or that fucking Bill Clinton?

Let me tell you.

Bill Clinton looks fuck all in a gown.

Very pretty fuck all.

I do not want him as the first lady.

But this election gave
me a lot of hope you know.

Because it has shown
to people that in America,

anybody can become Prime Minister.

Anybody.

Anybody.

Which is why I have
decided that in 2020,

Vicky Malhotra will run
for President of America.

And when Vicky becomes
Prime Minister of America,

he's going to make
America great again!

Again!

Thank you guys!

Oh mah God,
I can see your ugly faces.

I'm sure it's been a privilege,
for you guys to see me.

I am sure, you had a wonderful time.

You know all you sexy chicks
if you want to meet me backstage,

take a photo with me,
have sex, whatever.

Just let me know.

But before I go I have
to prove it to my dad

that I am very pretty
successful comedian also.

So you guys have your masks?

Wear the mask.

Alright, everybody.

Where is that cameraman?

Hey idiot!

Are you guys ready?

Alright, at the count of three.

One, two, three!

Mahsulf Vicky this side!

(crowd) And Yosulf

Alright, thank you so much guys.

You've been very pretty fantastic.

I hope you had a good time.

And kindly fuck off
and don't drink and drive.

Actually drink and drive.

Or do whatever the fuck you want.

You've been absolutely fantastic.

Thank you so much.