Vice Academy Part 6 (1998) - full transcript

Vice cops Candy and Traci accidentally meet the bikini robbers who are armed with assault weapons in a bank. The thieves escape with loot after a wild shoot-out. The commissioner and the instructor enlist Internal Affairs detective to solve the case. He suspects the Vice cops and sends them to prison. However, a robber plants a bomb in the police station. Vice cops are quickly reinstated with a new mission.

Well now girls, be very
very careful with this,

you know it isn't every day that.

Miss Devonshire picks the
winning lottery number.

Well you know what they
say, unlucky in love...

Will you stop it?

Now the local bank is
just one block from here,

are you sure you can handle it?

Don't worry, it's in safe hands.

Give it to me, it's mine!

Let go of it!

Give it!

Give it back!

No, I'm supposed to carry this!

It's mine!

Let go!

I won't!

Are you sure an armored truck

wouldn't be a better idea?

No, it's mine!

It is not!

Is so!

No it's not!

Oh nonsense, Miss Devonshire, why the

bank's just around the corner from here,

what can possibly happen?

(easy listening music)

Let me, give it!


Oh, sorry.

That's all right.

Well you know, I had the
nicest bus ride over here.

This young couple was
seated right behind me.

The girl must have been highly religious

because during the whole ride she

kept saying oh God, touch me there again!

Hey, move it or lose it!

(dramatic music)

Check it out, we picked the right place.

Hey, check out those three.

I'll take the safety deposit boxes,

you get the tellers.

What do you think, a stripping telegram?

Would you two keep it down

and stop attracting attention?!

No, it's like a bank promotion,

it's like check out our assets.

Will you keep the line moving?

Some of us here have a job to get back to!


Look, it's my favorite teller.

Hey Candy, how you doing?

You two know each other?

Yeah, I used to work
in a male strip club.

Candy tipped me with so many quarters

one time, my g-string
slipped to the ground

and I got arrested.

What a class act.

Oh it gets better, after I posted bail,

I helped him get this job.

All right everybody!

Put your hands in the
air and no one gets hurt!

I've got a gun and I
don't know how to use it!

(suspenseful music)

[Voiceover] Oh my God, (mumble)!

Make a deposit right here, Sister.

Oh no, this money's for the orphanage.


You think we should let her keep it?

No, make her hand it over!

You're going straight to Hell for this!

(whispers) Hit the silent alarm.



(whispers) Hit the silent alarm!

I can't hear you.

She said to hit the silent
alarm, for Christ's sake!

So you wanna call the police, huh?

It was all her idea.

Girls, take her in the back and

give her what's coming to her!

You don't mean...

You heard me!

Oh God!

It was nice knowing ya.

(customers muttering)

We gave her a roll of 50s, do you

think that's enough to keep her quiet?

Oh you idiots!

That's not what I meant!


You said give her what's coming to her.

You know I'm gonna slap you

if you don't shut up!

(whispers) Hit the silent alarm!

That was close, were you guys

worried about me?

Yeah, the whole time.

Just think, Miss Devonshire,

once that money is deposited in the bank,

we'll be able to keep our police station.

To think, they wanted to turn this

place into a homeless shelter.

(alarm blaring)

Maybe we can finally
fix our "silent" alarm.

There's an armed bank
robbery in progress!

Oh, sir, there are 30 banks in our

jurisdiction, it could be any of them.

It's the bank one block from here.



No, it's just not fair!

Is it your sense of public morals?

Is it fear for the safety of our girls?

Is it the brazenness of the crime?

It's our money!


Hey, do you know how
hard I work for this dough?

Men are such pigs!

Oh that is so true!

Do you know what happened to me

just last night at work?

No, tell me.

Well there are certain areas

that I consider private, even if

there is $5 at stake.

[Tease] You're talking too much again!

Let's get out of here!

All right everyone,
get down on the floor.

Oh shit, (mumble)!

(whispers) Candy, are you
thinking what I'm thinking?


You mean how cute their outfits are?

No, get the guns ready on three.

One, two, three!

Can I get up now?

Get down on the ground!


(gunfire) (screaming)


(glass breaks)

Come on, hurry, move it!

I think they're coming!

Come on, hurry!


(tires screeching)

Hey look, woooo!


(rock music)

♫ Got a pistol in my pocket

♫ And baby you the target

♫ Put your finger on the trigger

♫ Feel it getting bigger

♫ Move a little closer

♫ Let me stick it in
your holster, let's do it

♫ Shoot my bullet

♫ Got a pistol in my pocket

♫ And baby you the target

♫ It's got a 12 inch (mumble)
but you can make it shrink

♫ Blow me away, just give
it a yank and let's do it

♫ Shoot my bullet

♫ When you roll against my Levi's

♫ You can feel my Colt 45

♫ Got a pistol in my pocket

♫ And baby you the target

♫ It's (mumble) undercover

♫ But don't show it to mother

♫ (mumble) and let's do it ♫

Let go of me!


Well I could always retype it if

the spelling bothers you that much.

Oh, I already did.

You misspelled getaway, no evidence,

and innocent bystander.

If I could just get it out of his hands!


Sorry, it affects each
of us in a different way.

Well it's not like there
weren't any witnesses.

Wait, that's right.

That's right!

Did you happen to get a
description of those three?


They were all wearing dark glasses.

Oh great, and you didn't notice that

when they first walked in?!

Well we thought it was
some kind of bank promotion.

Oh it's hopeless, hopeless!

We may as well say goodbye to this

old police station and say hello

to a new homeless shelter.

What were those bums thinking?

Commissioner, there's
someone here to see you.

I wasn't expecting anyone.


Let go of me, you jerk!

Well what is this all about?

Detective Hank Grisham.

Well I'm sorry, we're not hiring

anymore cops this week.

I'm not looking for a job, I'm here

investigating this case.

Oh, well I suppose a little

outside help couldn't hurt.

I'm gonna need an office here,

do you have a spare one?

Well sure, I'll have Traci and Candy

air out the storage closet for you.



(mop handle clatters)

Here you go, I knew there was

a desk under here some place.


Now let me get this
straight, you two were the

officers present during
the robbery, correct?

That's us!

Perfect, then let's head back to the

bank while the crime is
still fresh in your mind.

(rock music)

I never thought I'd see this

kind of money in my lifetime.

It makes me wanna go out
and so something special!

You idiots, you wanna
give yourselves away?!

Don't you know the cops are
gonna be looking for us?

Look, we're gonna have to play it cool.

We're gonna have to keep our jobs,

hide the money for awhile, and put

these costumes back where
no one will find them.


But I like this one.

Would you lose it before
someone sees you in it?!

Oh my God.

I lost my skirt.

How could you be so stupid?!

You're gonna have to go back and get it!

(door opening)

Shhh, quiet, someone's coming.

Hide the money.

Where the hell were you three?

You're an hour late.

Get off our backs!

We have plenty of time
before the first show.

Is that so?

Hey, Sophisticatia, some guy said he

offered you five bucks for a lap dance

and you told him to drop dead.

That true?

You got that right.


I need five bucks right
now like I need a...

She'd be thrilled to do it.

Good, then get the lead out!

Show goes on in one minute.


Quick, get out of these clothes!

Hurry up!

Welcome, losers!

(audience rabbling)

To the Dank Pit!

You're about to meet the girls

your mother warned you about.

She's every parole officer's nightmare

and ever degenerate's dream.

I've asked him
repeatedly not to say that.

Just hurry up!

You guys sneak out and
go back for that skirt,

I'll do the show, okay?

Presenting Savvy!

Come on!

(cheering) (whistling)


(laughs) And Tease!



(rock music)











[Audience] Take it off!



Take it off!





Take it off!


(cheering) (whistling)

Well as I remember,
there was three of them.

I think they were all wearing sunglasses.

Tell me Traci, are you
seeing anybody right now?


Well how would you like to have

some dinner plans for later tonight?

How can I put this as
delicately as possible?

I don't like to mix business and pleasure.

Are you sure about this?

Well I can't see where there'd be

any pleasure involve, but
the answer is still no.

Nice shot, lady.


He was being sarcastic.

Oh, I guess he's still angry at me

for shooting him.

Wait a minute, you're the one

who shot the security guard?

He was in the way!

(police radio feed)

Yeah, and it's not as if I didn't

shoot the surveillance
camera at the same time.

(no audio)

I'm telling you, one of those robbers

didn't wanna take my money at first.

I'd say she's a fellow working girl.

I know a sister when I see one.

Thank you.

Not you, Sister.


This is the only piece of
evidence that they left behind.

Breakaway clothing?

I don't get it.

It's stripper clothing, it comes

right off when you want it to, see?


(jazzy music)

Shake it!

Would you stop that?!

Oh, sorry.

I just got the job a week ago.

Didn't have time to buy new clothes.

You two know each other?

Well of course, I
helped him get this job.

Bag that skirt, it's the only

piece of evidence we have so far.

The two of you, take it to the

police station immediately!

You got it!

Smaller there.


Wider in this area.

A little broader.

That's her!

That's one of the robbers!

Finally, a description, what do we have?

38, 23, 36.

That's all he can remember.

You can take those numbers to the bank!

Listen, I've been collecting

centerfolds for over 20 years!

Well it's a start.

You think you'll be
able to find those three?

I think they're long gone by now.

(dramatic sting)

Well I'll say one thing
about those robbers.

What's that?

At least they have taste.

I wonder where they bought this skirt?

Don't open that bag,
you'll contaminate the DNA!

(scoffs) Yeah, like that'll
ever hold up in court.

(dramatic music)


Hey, let go!

Detective Grisham, hurry,
we've got two of them!

Now take Miss December.

Her turns-ons are nachos, fake
furs, and karaoke machines.


Turn-offs are nonalcoholic
beer, porno movies

with a plot, and men who
don't drive muscle cars!

You made your point.

Come on!

(laughing) Yahoo!

All right!

Gee, I hope that skirt
wasn't too important.


[Voiceover] You're
watching Access Sleaze.

Today's top story... (gunshots)

Your money isn't safe in their hands!

Vice Cops Caught On Tape.

With your host, former
lap dancer Jenny Moans.

Hi, I'm Jenny Moans and I'm here live

in the police station that's handling

today's shocking robbery.

Give me that microphone!

If you know anything about the

filth that committed this atrocity,

I want you call right
now at 1-800-U-SQUEAL!

Part of that money is rightfully mine

and I'm not gonna sleep
until it's returned to me!

Excuse me, Miss Devon, don't you mean

until it's returned to our police station?

Sure I do!

If I get my hands on that scum

there's gonna be some
justice vigilante style!

Thank you!

And we will keep you updated on any

further developments.

(phone ringing)
Wait, here's our first caller!

You're on the air, start
singing like a stool pigeon!

[Psychic Woman] Yes, I'm a Psychic and I

know where your money is.

Listen, you phony nutcase, now get

off this line, next caller!

[Psychic Woman] Okay,
but at least I tried

and watch out for that light.


(light shatters) (shrieking)

Is that caller still there?

(dial tone)
- No, they hung up.

Next caller please.

[Operator] I have a collect call

from Tuscadero Prison.

Holly says she's been here seven years...

[Holly] You know, I am really

sick of this shit, I've had...

Next caller please, and
stop tying up this line!

Oh, excuse me, I'll be right back.


What'd you find out, Gris?

Doesn't look good.

I'm concerned about your
girls' handling of the crime.

What are you talking about?

One of them shoots the security guard.

The other one takes out
a surveillance camera.

Then the one piece of evidence we have

that the robbers leave behind, your girls

manage to lose it while I wasn't looking,

now what does that sound like to you?

Pretty much like a
typical day around here.

Wait, here are the officers that

were present during the robbery.

Hi everybody in TV land!

Could you tell our viewers if you

have any updates on the crime?

Well I'm just glad that I didn't

keep my money in that bank.

Well I guess you can see why

this police station never receives

any government funding.

We'll be interrupting your favorite

programs all day long if we have

any further developments.

Honestly, is there any hope
of getting our money back?!

Our Vice Girls?

Oh be serious, they've done more than

their fair share of damage already.

[Voiceover] Yeah yeah, money, good idea!

Bye, mom, bye!

You know, I'm beginning to think that

some people around here don't hold

a high value of our abilities.

Yeah, they've never brought in

outside help before.


(glass shatters)

Whose car was that?

The TV reporter's.

What could we do to
gain back their respect?


(glass shatters)

Whose car was that?

The TV reporter's again.

Did you notice?!

Somebody shot out all my car windows!


Oh Mavis, how much longer can this

heinous crime continue to go unpunished?

These random shootings
or the bank robbery?

I was talking about the Commissioner

refusing to consummate our marriage.

Do you realize Friday will be our

one year anniversary already and

we still haven't done the dirty deed!

Well maybe he's just a late bloomer.

Tell me about it!

So anyone keeping you up nights?

Actually, I've been
cruising the food court

at the mall recently and I
met somebody really nice.

His name is Mellow, and this week I'm

taking him to get his driver's license!

Well I suppose there's nothing

wrong with a little
May/December relationship.

Well I prefer to think of myself

as more as a July or August.

And at his age, he's at his sexual peak!

Well I'm glad somebody is.

Now don't say a word to the Commissioner

about our anniversary, he better remember

on his own if he knows
what's good for him!

Think your girls have any leads yet?

I have an idea.

Why don't we ask questions at all

the places where they
have breakaway clothing?

I bet we'd come up with a lead.

That is so clever,
where should we start?

Where's the closest
strip club from here?

And try to get the
order right this time.

I want the cheapest alcohol you got

but I want you to put it in the

bottles with the expensive labels.

That's right, you heard me!

Now say it back to me, I want the,

no, I want you to tell me the order.

No, I want the cheapest alcohol!

I want you to put the cheapest alcohol

in the expensive bottles!


Did you get the skirt back?

Like taking candy from a baby.

Where is it?

We put them on the
clothing rack out front.

Oh you two get stupider by the minute!

Go get it before someone sees it!


No, I'm paying for the cheap alcohol,

you're putting it in expensive bottles!

We're not feeling so well.

Well this is the closest
strip club to the bank.

Why can't you get that right?!

I want the cheap alcohol, me!

We're buying the cheap alcohol!

You are putting it in the bottles

with the expensive labels!

What the hell are they doing here?

Were you followed?

No way!

Get down and shut up!

You must be the new girls
from the Lombard Agency.

Like I told them, it pays
40 bucks a night, plus tips,

and you make an extra 10
spot for every lap dance.

So what are you waiting for?

Let's see those hooters!

I beg your pardon?

You know, every job interview I've ever

gone on has asked me the same thing.

Stop it!

We are not from the Lombard Agency.

We're investigating this
morning's bank robbery.

[Sophisticatia] I told
you they were trouble!


Do you have a search warrant?

No, we're just asking questions

around the local strip clubs.

The three robbers were women and one

of them left a breakaway skirt

at the scene of the crime.

Three women.

You don't say.

Did you get a description of them?

No, they were wearing dark glasses,

but an eyewitness swears that one of

the girls was 38-23-36.


That's a pretty common size.

Exactly how much did they get away with?

Over $400,000.

Sounds like quite a take.

Well sorry I can't be more of a help.

Thanks anyway.

(lively jazz music)

That was close.

Well well.

No wonder you were an hour late

and didn't need extra
cash for a lap dance.

It was you three that robbed
the bank today, wasn't it?

(laughs) You don't have any proof.

You're right.

Robbing a bank takes brains, cunning.

You girls can barely remember what

foot to start your next dance number on.

You saying we're too
stupid to have done it?

Yeah, well guess what!

Would you two shut up!


Just as I thought.

Dang, are you gonna turn us in?

It's tempting, but I have a better idea.

Why don't we split this between us?

You gotta be kidding me!

Do I look like I'm joking?

All right, we have to
talk this over in private.

Should we?

Hell no!

I bet you there's a big
reward for turning you in.

I could get a whole new club!


You've got a deal.

Well it's a pleasure
doing business with you.

By the way, here's your breakaway skirt.

Next time don't be so careless with it.

(light jazzy music)

Are you sure we're in the right place?

Trust me, I've been here many times.

May I help you two?

Yes, we have an appointment to see

a detective about that bank robbery.

I see, I'll be right back.

Yeah, make it snappy!

I got a client waiting and I gotta

be there before his mood changes,

if you know what I mean.


Take a look at those two over there.

Yeah, so?

You notice anything suspicious?

One has more sins to
confess than the other?

Do I have to spell it out for you?!

Those two bank robbers
are masters of disguise,

now take a closer look, that's two

of them right now!

Hey Sis, I got a client who would

really get off if I can borrow

your outfit for an evening.

What do you say, I'll
split the div with ya.

I beg your pardon?

You got it in any other colors?

Young lady, have you ever listened

to the words of Genesis?

Not since Phil Collins left the group.

I think you're
mistaken, Miss Devonshire.

Fine, then why don't you

frisk them and find out!

All right, but this
could be embarrassing.

Please, I'm used to it.

I'll take the one on the left.

Hey, hey!

Watch the merchandise!

Turn around.

All right, spread 'em, Sister!

Oh good Lord, what do
you think you're doing?!


Nope, she's clean.

What are you people doing?!

These are my two key witnesses!

Your witnesses?


I hope you've learned something

here, Miss Devonshire!

Yes, I'd see more action around

here if I dressed in disguise.

I am really sorry about this,

would you two come with me,

I need to get statements from both of you.

[Computer] Hi, I'm the
virtual realist feminist.

What should I wear to
today's protest rally?

That's sexual harassment!

This game is over, mister!

(powering down)

Hey Irwin, can you look up something

for me on the computer,
I have this wild hunch.

Sure, what do you need?

I just came back from The
Dank Pit, it's a strip club.

Don't have to tell me, I know the place.

Happy Hour starts at four.

That's not what I needed to find out.

Look, can you run a computer check

on these three dancers?

I just have this gut feeling that

they might have been the ones

who committed this robbery.

Sure, no problem.

Now I just have a few more questions.

What are you people doing in my office?!

I'll be through in a minute.

Out, out, out!

Fine, we'll come back later!

You know, I remember that girl,

she and her partner stood next to

me in line at the bank.

Yeah, the robbers took her in the back

and when she returned she had a

huge wad of bills, they said they

were taking care of her.

(dramatic sting)

That's very interesting.

Candy, it's closing time,
what are you doing here?

Well I was just in the neighborhood

and I figured the place would be closed

and we could do the wild
thing here in private.

I don't know, you got
me in trouble last time

and the surveillance camera caught us.

[Voiceover] They do
more than pinch pennies.

Bank Employees Caught In The Act.

Honestly, the camera is broken.

Besides, we could use a sack of

bills as a mattress.

You're gonna get me
in big trouble again.

Nobody will be the wiser.

Do it for me.


(rock ballad music)



Well I completed my
report to Internal Affairs.


I don't like this anymore than you do,

but I think your girls were part

of the bank robbery from the beginning.

I can't believe it!

You know, I may enjoy a good

witch hunt as much as the next person,

but don't you think you're
jumping to conclusions?

All the evidence matches
my original theory.

Now you listen to me, my girls

may look cheap, they may be lousy shots,

and they may embarrass
me on a daily basis,

but they are not thieves!

I just hope they know
a good defense attorney.

(police radio feed)

Oh, I only have a minute.

That new detective thinks you and.

Candy are in on the bank robbery.

You can't be serious.

You better dream up an alibi

before he pins this thing on you,

now I have to get out of there.

Tell Candy what I said.

Yeah, right.

What was that all about?


(light transition music)

Brace yourself, you've had worse.

(jazzy music)

Traci, can I help you?

I hope so.

I have something that's
been on my conscience

and I can't keep it to myself any longer.

Spill it.

It's my partner.

You mean Candy?

That's the one.

She was in on that bank robbery.

She threatened me not to tell anyone

and she even tried to bribe me with

some of her ill gotten cash.

Can you prove any of this?

Look, flatfoot, she
shot the security guard,

practically gave the only piece of

evidence back to the robbers, and

she's in cahoots with the bank teller.

What more do you need?

I knew all that, but somehow I thought

the both of you were in this together.

Get real.

I've only been on this force for a year,

I wouldn't have had time to pull off

an inside job like this.

It would take two, three...

Wait, how long has
Candy been on the force?

Six years.

Six years to pull off a job like this.

Besides, I have my eye on other reports.

I'm beginning to see the light.

I'll redo my report
immediately, just implicate her.


I knew you'd see it my way.

Did you pass on what I said?

Believe me, I just said a mouthful.

This better be good!

I was watching the episode where.

Winnie Cooper finally gets it!

That can wait, where's Candy?

Ow, God...

You looking for me?

Candy Lavowe, you're under arrest

for being an accessory
in that bank robbery.


(laughs) That's a joke, right?

No, I'm afraid it's not.

Someone read her her rights.

Yeah, like I really took
the time to memorize them.

Miss Devonshire, you're
almost in charge here!

Can't you do anything?

Didn't Traci warn you about this?

Guess it slipped my mind.

Enough chitchat, hand over your weapon.

I can't.

And why not?

I lost it again somewhere.

Mavis, lock her up.

This is foolish, she's not a criminal.

Oh no?

Well I just went through her locker,

you know what I found?

Three pens!

Property of the Vice Academy.


And one stapler, property
of the Vice Academy.

And a four pack of toilet paper.

(collective gasps)

Oh Candy, how could you?

I've been set up!

Don't look at me.

I'm gonna get you for this!

(gags) Hey, watch it!

Looks like we can add resisting arrest.

Book her, Mavis!

You're all making a big mistake here!

What a pity.

I didn't expect it to be so messy.

You handled it well, and after two hours

in that holding tank,
she'll be ready to talk.

All right Traci, what happened here?

Just taking care of business.

Is there something going on between

you and that detective
that I should know about?

Oh get real!

That man is asexual, he couldn't

turn on a light switch.

Someone say something?

Yeah, I was just saying what

a sexual turn-on you are.

Poor Candy, I just hope she can

withstand the horrors of prison life.


I know you don't really belong

in here so we'll skip the cavity search.


But you can't bring any makeup

in here, that's contraband.

You're kidding!

What about my hairbrush?

Nope, could be used as a weapon.

Here, take these cigarettes.

But I don't smoke.

They're not for smoking,
they're for trading.

You'll thank me later.

- Woohoo, yeah!

(harmonica blues music)

Now listen you two,
this is her first time

in the joint, so you go easy on her!

Hi there.

Hi, I'm Denay and this
is my friend Breeze.

What's your name?


So what are you two in here for?

It's like the silliest thing, okay?

Denay here has this "brainstorm"

of let's park in the
handicap space at the mall!

Yeah, why not?

We're in remedial reading and if

that's not handicapped, then duh, what is?

Anyway, so then this
cop starts hassling us.

So we offer some sexual favors.

Yeah, so what's wrong with that?

I mean that's how we
passed our history class.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean!

We have never been turned down before.

So instead of a ticket, he arrests us!


Yeah, and our boyfriends better get here

quick with that bail money or they're

not getting any for a week.

So what are you in for?

Armed robbery.

Like, oh my God, here we are locked up

in a cell with a hardened criminal.

This is so cool!

Tell us about it!

Well I didn't really do it, I...

Just shot the security guard by mistake.

Whoa, maybe I've seen
you on Today's Most Wanted.

I just know we're gonna
be the best of friends.


Wait your turn, bitch!

I'm gonna cut you up...


(rock music)

Don't go in that den of sin!

Wouldn't you rather give your money

to the poor and unfortunate?

[Voiceover] I don't think so.

I can't believe we're late again,

Dank is gonna ream us for this.

Oh my God, look, it's that same nun.

Look, you guys, just be cool.

She won't remember us.

Donations for the needy?

Find it in your heart to help.

Just give a small contribution,

that's all I ask.

Get bent!

What about you two girls,

can you help the downtrodden?

Oh no, sorry.

A group of orphans
needs your contribution,

they suffered a major loss this week.

Did she have to mention the orphans?

Even the smallest amount helps.

What are you doing, that's 50 bucks!

I can't stand this anymore.

Here you go, Sister, just take it.

Bless you, my child.

You get stupider by the minute.

Hey, she didn't even recognize us.

Yeah, we're Scot-free!

That money is as good as ours!


(dramatic music)

Well what do you know.

Like, ready?

(unison) Okay!

One, two, tell me who are you!

Three, four, tell me who's gonna score!

Five, six, tell me who's got the kicks!

Seven eight, tell me...

[Tattooist] Hey!

Can you keep it down over there?!

Yeah, I'm doing 20 years in here and

I can't stand another minute of your pep!

What's your name?


Aureola, shut up.

(unison) Whooooa!

All right, that's
enough out of everyone!

Hey, what about us?

Have our boyfriends come
to post our bail yet?

Actually, no.

I can't believe this!

Now we have to stay in here,

in this cell, next to that trash?

Man, I have killed for less.

Hey, we're not talking to you!


All right, that's enough, damn it!

Come on, you ladies are
moving on to bigger quarters!

It is about time, hello,
this cell was getting so small.

Candy, you have a phone call.



All right, let's move it, come on!

Come on!

Come on, oh, Candy.


Hey Candy, how you holding up?

I've been better.

Well I ran that report you wanted

and you are right.

They are not your ordinary strippers.

All three have previous arrests

and for armed robbery.


I just wish I would have known

this before, when I was a free woman.

All right, that's
enough, give me the phone!

Hey, is that a weapon?

No, it just looks like one!

Where are we going?

State penitentiary.

Oh great!

I told you we should have asked

for community service!

Yeah, right, like I'd rather be

picking up trash off the freeway?

I don't think so.

(country music)

Then my landlord wouldn't
stop banging on my door.

Look, he says, you haven't paid
your rent for three months.

Show me the money, show me the money.

So I opened up the door
and showed him a wrench.

He gets 12 stitches, I get 20 years,

so I ask you, where the justice?

Excuse me.


We were just trying to decide

which colors look best for our uniforms.

What do you think?

Last year's colors...

Or these new ones
that I just picked out?

Hey, will you shut
the hell up over there?!

Hello, we are trying to
have a conversation over here,

so if everyone could please try

and just keep it down, okay?

Hey, you're gonna be one
dead bitch in a minute!

Lactacia, watch your mouth!

Hey, sister, you know what we do

to little girls in the big house?

Are you talking to my friend here?

Well I ain't talking
to myself, you skank!

Hey, don't make me pull over to

the side of the road and take names!

(car honking)
- Mavis, look out!


(tires screeching)

(suspenseful music)

(loud crashing noise)

(bus hissing)

Candy, come back here!

[Denay] Like, somebody help us!

(prisoners yelling)

Shut up!

(dramatic sting)

Now now, Mavis, now try and remember

all the details.

Well the doctor said my big hair

saved me from serious head injuries.

Not you!

I'm talking about the accident.

For instance, was there any other

inmates that tried to escape?

Well no, they were too busy
beating up two cheerleaders.

Candy was the only one that got away.

We have a fugitive!

Let's not jump to conclusions.

I've been waiting years to say that.

Doesn't the cliche
of an escaped prisoner

who already pleaded their innocence

strike you as familiar?

No, I don't get out to the movies much.

Me either.

Candy has to be
apprehended at all costs.

Now easy, we wanna get
her back here unharmed.

You sure about this?

Now Traci, with Candy gone, I guess

it'll be double the work for you.

With double the pay?

No, just double the work.

I'll get right on it.


(jazzy music)

That was quick, what are you doing here?

I'm gonna catch those robbers,

clear my name, oh, and get even

with you all at once.

Sounds like a lot to take on.

You know, you're right.

(groans) Candy, what are you doing?

Prison has really changed you.

Oh really?

Well I learned this one from an

inmate doing 20 years.

(groaning) (thumping)

Irwin, I never thought I'd say this,

but you're our only hope.

Go find Candy before they do.

I'll do my best.

Well come along, Miss Devonshire,

I want you in my office.

Oh, and bring some lubricant along.

(giggles) Oh sir, in
the middle of the day?

Well of course.

I have a window that's stuck

and I need some help opening it.

So Traci, you think the bank is

the best place to start looking for her?

Oh yeah, the bank.

(dramatic piano music)

[Candy] Gee, I never thought I'd

land up on the wrong side of the tracks.

(police siren wailing)

Get off me, man!

[Officer] All right, come on, let's go.

Okay, here's the bank guard's testimony.

Three robbers wearing dark glasses,

no no no, I know all that, okay,

then the ditsy, cheap looking accomplice

standing in line shot the...

Hey wait a minute, I've never

been called an accomplice before.

Hey, let go!

Let go of this!

Stop it, come back here!

Uh oh!

Come back here, you thief!

Wait here!

(orchestral action music)


Here you go.

Gee, thanks.

Just a second, let's see here.

Breath spray, makeup,
monthly feminine companion,

yeah, looks like everything's here!

Well are you all right?

Yeah yeah.

I should know better than to work

this part of town, but my rent is due,

so I couldn't be too picky.

Wait a minute, I know you!

You do?

Yeah, I saw you on the news,

you're that fugitive.

You're not gonna turn me in, are you?


You don't have to worry about me,

why should I help those cops out

when I still haven't got my money back?

Well that's what I'm working on.

So lady fugitive, you
got a place to stay?


You do now, but that's as long as you

make sure I get my money returned

as soon as you find it.

It's a deal!

You'll need a change of clothes.

You name it, I got it.

Cool, I just know we're gonna

be the best of friends!

(easy listening music)

Can I help you?

Surprise, it's me!

What are you doing here?

I saw you on the news last night.

You did?

Hey, check this out.

I'm not a hooker, but I play one on TV.

Real funny.

Do you need a place to stay?

Nah, I don't wanna
get you in any trouble,

but I do need some money and fast.

Get your hand out of my
drawers, this isn't right!

Oh of course this isn't right,

I need more than this!

And you forgot your gun here last time.


Uh oh.

What's the matter?

Don't look now, but
your friends are here.

The next time we go for a drive,

keep your hands to yourself!


Oh great, I'd better split.

That outfit's kinda hot though.

You think you could wear
that for me sometime?

It's a date, now remember, act stupid

if he asks you any questions.

No problem, and be careful.

Okay, bye!

Say, you look familiar.

Oh not again.

Coming through, hot suit here.

Coming through, a hot
suit, coming through.

Hey, look over there!

Those two are trying to cut in line!

Coming through, coming through,

hot suits here, hot suits here!


Hey you two, wait!

Back to the end of the line, come on!

Come on, back to the end of the line!


Get your hands off me, you idiot!

This is completely...

Let's go, like everybody else!

End of the line!

[Traci] Get your hands off me!

[Grisham] This is police business!

(triumphant trumpet music)

Now you're sure you
haven't seen this woman?

Look, I'm positive, now you'd better get

out of here before you try to offer

me five bucks for a quickie again.

Honestly, you make one mistake

and they never let you live it down.

That was close, he was looking for you.

Thanks, Monique.

Here, this should help with the

food and rent while I'm staying with you.

You're a lifesaver.

Now I also need something to wear

undercover to a strip club.

You got it, just let me know

how much skin you wanna show.

Oh, just one more thing.

What is it?

Candy, you might be able to get by

Traci and Grisham with that outfit,

but you really need to try a little

harder to fool everyone else.

Thanks, Irwin.

So you won't mention that you saw me?

Of course not, I know you're innocent.

Just be careful.

Oh, and good luck tonight
at the strip club.


Candy has been eluding us continually.

I wonder if she's been receiving any

inside help from someone on the force.

You're right.

Why this might be a perfect time for

a little lecture on what happens to

anyone who aids and abets a fugitive.

All right, I admit it!

He just said he needed a place to stay,

I didn't know he was an escaped convict!

It was only for one night,
but ooooh what a night!

I was talking about Candy!

Keep your sordid story to yourself.

Not so fast, I'd like to hear about it.

Well if loving him was wrong,
then I don't wanna be right!

That's enough!

Now what about you, Irwin?

Any ideas to the whereabouts of Candy?

Nope, not me.

It would take a real pro to find her.

Traci, meet me in my
office in five minutes

and I'll show you a real pro at work.

Yeah, whatever you say.


Just a minute, an important call.

Take your time.

Well I've taken the liberty of

having Candy's phone tapped.

Watch how a master gets a job done.

(moans) Oh baby, thanks for calling.

Push one for hot backdoor action,

push two to hear girl on girl sex,

push three for the orgy room, or push

four if you need to be spanked.

Sorry, I must've hit redial by mistake.

(phone ringing)

[Candy] Hi, this is Candy.

I'm on the run from the law and can't

talk to you right now.

Leave me a message and
I'll call you when I

cross the state line,
have a nice day, bye!

(machine beeps)

Now let's see whose called her.

[Candy's Mom] Candy, this
is your mother calling,

please call and let me
know that you're all right.

Tell it to someone who cares.



[Librarian I'm
calling from the library.

Your copy of I Can't Get
Enough Sex is overdue.

This is pointless.

Come on, let's go hand out flyers

and let our neighbors
know what she's done.

[Brock] Hi Candy, it's Brock.

I just saw you right
outside of The Dank Pit.

What were you doing in that neighborhood?

I waved to you, but I
guess you didn't see me.


(dial tone)

(jazzy music)

(cheering) (whistling)

Oooo, what can I do you for today?

The Lombard Agency sent me.

They said you were looking
for some new talent?

Good, about time they
listened to what I ask for.

Good mix of cheap and used.

What was that?

You heard me.

Now get naked and let's
see your best lap dance.

Uh, it was a long drive over here and I

gotta "clean the deck"
if you know what I mean.

Help yourself.

Oh, and I hope you had
this place retrofitted.


I know talent when I see it.

I need to find a better
place to hide this.

Okay, evidence.

Evidence, evidence, oh!

Oh, this is so cute!

(generic pop music)

What the hell are you up to?

Getting ready to watch a pro at work.

You two should have a seat,

maybe you'll learn something.


And where is this
professional slut right now?

She's in the back getting ready.

In the back?

Oh no!

All right, honey,
those are our costumes,

get the hell away from there.

I thought so!

You two are coming with me!

Hey, something tells me
she's not really a stripper.

You know, it still isn't too late

for us to make you a deal.

Save it, I already found all the money.

Now as soon as I can remember where

I put my gun, I'm taking you two downtown.

No gun, you say?

Get her!

Hey, let go of me!


Smack her a good one!

Let go of me!

Nice try!

Start moving!

Come on!

(metal clanging)
(triumphant trumpet music)

Candy, I don't believe it!

It's all part of the job.

And look, I recovered
all the stolen money.

Everybody's going to be so proud of you.

Well now all I need is a full confession

that I was never in on
the robbery with them.

That's going to be tough.

Sometimes it takes days
to get a confession.

I'll get the rubber hose.

Wait, I have a quicker way.

Come on, get moving.

Hey, Candy, who are your new friends?

They're bank robbers.

Hey, I thought the two of you

would be in state pen by now.

Nah, we're waiting to
get a Governor's reprieve.

Yeah, we used the Twinkie defense.

Hey look, these two are
gonna be your new cellmates.

(gasps) You are gonna love it here!

We have been practicing
new cheers all day!

And we'll even braid your hair for you!

We'll sign anything, just please

don't put us in there with them!

Congratulations Candy,

see I knew you were innocent all along.

That's not what you said yesterday!

Will you please be quiet?!

Some of us never
doubted you for a moment.

Well I'm just glad to
be back on the force.

Now you do understand that we can't

pay you for all your time (mumble).

No no, I'm afraid that
being a fugitive on the run,

that counts as vacation time.

That's okay.

I would like my parking space back though.

I mean I just can't believe anybody

would be callous enough to take it

when I was only gone for one day!

Oh all right, don't rub it in.

Well I guess we can
mark this case closed.

Yes, good work.

Don't forget, tomorrow is Devonshire

and the Commissioner's anniversary.

I got a big surprise party planned!

So I hope you're not still mad

at me for sending you to prison.

Not really.

You know what they say, what
goes around comes around.

So you're not the vengeful type?


I mean if you happen
to wake up one morning

and have four flat tires,
it could've been anybody.

Gee, thanks.

Don't mention it.

Now why do I keep thinking
I forgot something?

(dramatic sting)

Oh I remember, I have to
go order the erotic cake.

Hey Dank, what's up with the front door?

It's locked.

There's no show tonight.


The cop was just here.

Savvy and Sophisticatia got arrested.

Those two didn't open their
big mouths about me, did they?

I don't know what they said, all I know

is I'm getting the hell outta here.

You should do the same.

I'm gonna get my money.

You're too late!

This cop came here posing as a stripper,

next thing I know she's leading

your two friends out at gunpoint.

They took all the cash with them.

Oh man!

Looks like they forgot this one.

(shrieking) (hissing)

What the hell is that?


There was no money in here!

It was a frickin' paint bomb!

(laughs) But that color, it's you.

If you could do that every night on stage,

man it'd be like Flashdance.


(laughs) Man, if you could
see yourself right now.

Somebody is gonna pay for this!

Now remember, we wait
for just the right moment,

then we jump out with our
presents and yell surprise!

Yeah yeah, we got it.

You wanna rehearse it again?


Hey you guys, take a look at this

erotic cake I got, it's a nude male

body anatomically correct.

All right, who took a bite out of it?!

This'll be one anniversary
they'll never forget.

Hey, shouldn't we hide these?

You're right, let's set them down

over there until we're ready for them.

(laughs) You're right about one thing.

They'll never forget this!

(maniacal laughing)


Okay, I'll cue you when it's time.

All right already.

Well hey, well what is everybody

all dressed up for?

Oh nothing special.

Isn't today a holiday?


Nothing I can recall.

So Candy, now that you spent a little

time behind bars, I bet it felt real

good to sleep in your own
bed last night, didn't it?

Oh it was, but I actually learned

a lot from my one day in prison.

Choke holds, hand-to-hand combat,

breaking and entering, and they

came in handy too, all of them.

Oooh, you don't say.

You know what, I bet you that Traci

can learn from some of
that knowledge herself.

Hey Mavis, why don't you air out

one of the cells for her later today, huh?

Got it!

Mention my name and
they'll treat you right.

You set me up!


Girls, girls, stop it!

Now I wanna remind you to be
on your best behavior today.

That nosy newswoman's gonna
be here any minute now.

Hey Candy, looking good!

Thanks Monique, didn't I promise you'd

get your money back with my help?

Yeah yeah, I just hope it's quick.

I need to get out of here before they

run a check on all my warrants.

Hey, I really wanna thank you for

lending me your clothes.

What's a sister for?

By the way, you look great in them.

If you get into the number three,

I could swing you some
extra cash on the side.


I hope the number three
isn't what I think it is.

Coming through, lady with a deadline!




Sir, doesn't everyone dressing up today

remind you of something?

Oh, of course, getting our money

back is a great reason to celebrate, huh?


Hey Candy, we get paroled today!

Hey Traci, I'd like you to meet

two of my friends from prison,

Denay and Breeze.

Any friend of Candy's
is a friend of ours.

It's truly a pleasure.

Wanna come by my house
later for a big party?!

Yeah, there'll be lots of
drunk and horny teenage boys!

No thanks.

Can I have the address?

I guess I'd better find another seat.

Okay, first, don't ever interrupt me

when I'm on camera, and second,

don't ever get into my light.

Well what do you think?

Which is my best side?

Like it matters.

Traci, what a nice surprise.

Any port in a storm.


Okay, everyone shut up!

[Voiceover] You're
watching The Prison Channel.

(cell doors slamming)

For the captive audience.

A Prison Channel exclusive.

She had one too many for the road.

A murderous night...

And a bad audit.

Holly Lynn Amber stars in

I Killed Him, I Liked It, So What.

[Holly] You know, I'm really
tired of hearing about this.

[Voiceover[ A Prison
Channel original movie.

- (record skip)
- [Voiceover] We interrupt

this program for a special bulletin.

(unison) Awwww!

We're here at the Vice Academy

where the half million dollars that

was stolen earlier this
week has been recovered.

Someone turn the channel.

Hey, don't touch that!

I'd like to thank all of our callers

who phoned in to our crime tip hotline.

I'd like to find out who transferred

those calls directly to our home number.

(phone ringing)

And I'd just like to mention that

it was under my supervision

that this case was closed so quickly.

Wait your turn.

And now the money will be returned

to two of its rightful owners.

Sister Ambrosia and working
girl Monique McClure.

(holy music)

Hello, everyone.

I hope you all attended
church this past Sunday.

(jazzy sting)

Who am I kidding, this place is

a Sodom and Gomorrah under one roof.

Well tell us what it's like to wait

for something like this for so long

and then finally get it
right when you want it?

Glad she didn't ask me that question.

Miss Devonshire!

Getting our money back is a Heaven send,

my prayers have finally been answered.

You said it!

My rent is due today and I've been

working my ass off to pay it!

Thank you for sharing that with us.

Now would be a good time to

surprise them with our gifts.


And now Detective Hank Grisham

will hand this money back
to its rightful owners.

Here it is, every penny of it.

(gasps) Look, Miss
Devonshire, our money.

It's like a runaway child who has

finally found its way home.

All right, nobody move, I'll take that!

(dramatic music)

What does she think she's doing?!

You heard me, I stole
it first and it's mine!

Now I've planted a bomb!

And everyone is going to do exactly as

I say or I'm gonna blow
this building sky high!

(scoffs) Whatever.

You couldn't have timed
this better, it's Sweeps Week!

Okay, now make it good and speak

right into the microphone.

By the way, I love your hair.


Thank you.

Now here's my list of demands!

First, I want my two
accomplices freed from jail!

Yeah, all right!

Hey, what'd I tell
you about making noise?!


And second, I want a
private chartered jet!

And third, I want a secluded island.

A chartered jet and a secluded island?!

Not only does she have my money,

she's got the Honeymoon I never had.

Happy Anniversary, Miss Devonshire!

I know you'll love your
gift, it's dynamite!

(gasps) (beeping)

Oh my God!

She's bluffing, that's not a real bomb!

Oh no?

Dynamite, electrical wire, a cheap

alarm clock and five
pounds of Silly Putty!

She's done her homework!

Everybody remain completely still!

Any loud noise could instantly...

(whispers) Detonate the bomb, shhh.

Could anything worse happen?

You'll never learn, will you?

(unison) Surprise!


We must have really surprised everyone,

just look at the excitement
on Miss Devonshire's face!

- Oh...

Did we miss something?

Be careful.

Traci's holding a bomb.

Somebody really needs to teach you

about selecting an appropriate gift.

Would you people shut up?!

Maybe we should come
back at a better time.

I want someone to get on the phone

and get a plane over here!

Do it now or I'm gonna level this place!

Honestly, prison was
a lot safer than this.

I have an idea.

Like, ready?

(unison) Okay!

You can do it, you can do
it, yes you can, yes you can!

Go, go Candy, she's our only plan!

You can do it, you can do
it, yes you can, yes you can!

Go, go Candy, she's our only plan!


Good work, Candy!


All right, Candy!

Hello, woman with a bomb!

Traci, be brave, there's no time

to call in the bomb squad.

You're gonna have to disarm it yourself.

You mean like in the movies where

the stewardess has to land the plane?

That's right, and I'll be
your air traffic controller.

But I cut class the day that
they taught bomb handling.

I was there.

Oh, and by the way Traci, if the bomb

happens to go off, you won't feel a thing.

Thanks a lot.

Just listen.

I'm gonna take you
through it step by step.

Here, take this wire cutter.

(mumble) would you be careful?!

I'm right handed, I couldn't
catch it with my left.

We don't have a prayer in Hell...

Oh, sorry about that, Sister.

We need a miracle.

Here, take my Saint Christopher medal.

Anyone else?

Oh, I forgot to give you back

your car keys this morning.

Why do you have my car keys?!

I was at the firing range and

I had to move your car
closer to the target.

Oh thanks a lot.

Would you people stop
throwing things at her?!


Okay Traci, are you ready?

Wait, someone read
me my horoscope first.

Oh, it says prepare to
start the new season with a...

A big bang.

Oh even the stars are against me!

All right, look at the wires, tell me

how many and what colors they are.

I see three of them.

A bright fuchsia, a deep
azure and a brilliant saffron.

We're all dead.

You need to cut the red wire.

I don't see a red wire, only
fuchsia, azure and saffron.

The fuchsia one!

Oh, I'm all shaky and tense!

I wanna lead everyone in a prayer.

Eternal salvation awaits if you're

prepared to meet your maker.


What if I sinned?

Well confession is good for the soul.

What if I'm Jewish?

The Lord knows how
to cook kosher as well.

What if I'm an Atheist?

You're going straight to Hell.

Oh enough of this, concentrate, Traci!


Hey, who wants to place a bet?

Even money on she drops it, four to one

it blows up in her face, 20
to one says she does it right.

20 bucks says she drops it.

[Denay] $5, no, wait, make it 10.

Anyone else?

Put me down for $5 on it
blows it up in her face.

You got it.

You're giving me a complex here.

Come on, come on, Traci,
we're counting on you!

(gun clicks)

Oh, I can't do it!

Hey, listen to this.

Imagine you're wearing a new ensemble.

A beautiful azure top and
matching saffron mini skirt.

Okay, I'm styling.

But Denay here wants you to top

it off with her fuchsia scarf.

And you know how she can't accessorize.

Hello, I don't own anything in fuchsia!

Work with me here?

So what are you going to do?

I'd rip the fuchsia mother right off!

Then do it.

(bomb bleeps)

I can't believe it!

(bomb ticking)

Aw, she did it right.

Looks like we have no winners here.

Hey, this thing is still ticking.

Wait, looks like we have an upset!

What'll I do now?!

That wire must've been a decoy.

Why (mumble) something off

that belongs to Breeze?

Why don't you shut up?

You've got 15 seconds,
then it's gonna blow!

Everyone listen to me!

This is your last chance to repent your

sins if you wanna get into Heaven!


Let me go first.

Just yesterday...

How much time do you think we have?


Throw it!

Hey Candy, hot potato!

Oh no you don't!

Throw it anywhere you want,

I've hated this place for years!

Miss Devonshire, how can you say that?

Well it's true!

You love this dump more than you love me!

Is that so?!

(romantic music)

Is it hot in here or is it just me?

It's just the bomb giving off heat.

You know what?

Give me that damn bomb!

(clicking noise)

(bomb powers down)


(unison) Awwww.

Miss Devonshire, very good!

Well who do you think taught

the class in bomb handling
in the first place?

You know, we would've gotten a whole lot

higher ratings if the bomb had gone off.

Yeah right, book her, Mavis!

(triumphant trumpet music)

[Breeze] Rock on!

Look, look, Miss Devonshire,

justice is being served.

You know, a lot of people may laugh

at our judicial system, but we all know

in the end it works.

Hey, don't I get one phone call?



I just heard from my producer.

The networks want to buy your story

of a stripper who turns to a life

of crime and they are prepared

to pay a million dollars
for all the rights.

Hmm, really?


Does this mean I get casting approval

on who plays me in the television movie?

Oh absolutely, in fact
we'll post your bail

so you can get right on
the road to promote it.

Yeah, now you're talking!


So Monique, I have a date later tonight.

Think I could borrow one of your outfits?

Sure, try my Girl Scout uniform.

Really makes your cookies look good.

Candy, I apologize for thinking

you were part of that bank robbery.

Would you do the honors of returning

this money back to the bank?

You actually trust me?

Wow, thanks!


Follow her and watch her like a hawk.

If she even opens that bag to look inside,

she goes right back to prison.

Whatever you say.

Hey, where's that TV reporter,

I wanted hey to get a
picture of me with the bomb.

(bomb ticking)

Traci, you weren't
supposed to move that bomb,

it could still go off!


Yeah, can't you hear it ticking?

Now remember, any sudden
movement could detonate it.

- (holy music)
- It is still ticking,

Sister, can you help me?

Is someone talking to me?

Funny, I don't see anyone.

That's because when you're an Atheist

it's like you don't have a voice.

I need a SWAT team here, not religion.

You know, it's never too late.

In fact I have a four hour
sermon on this subject.

Oh my God, help me.

Good, you're beginning to see the light.


Oh, that was great work, mom.

Oh, I'm sorry, I know you hate

it when I call you that.

I never thought I'd say this,

but I'm beginning to like the sound of it.



Before it slips my
mind, Miss Devonshire...

Happy Anniversary.

Oh Commissioner, I can't
believe you remembered!

How could I forget?

It's been a year.

Funny, it seems more like 10.

(rock music playing)

This thing is still ticking.