Vice Academy Part 3 (1991) - full transcript

Two sisters in the Vice Academy try to thwart the crime wave wrought by escaped convict Malathion, who got her name after being exposed to toxic chemicals. An honest new recruit does such a good job at arresting Malathion's gang that the sisters are taken off active duty. To get their jobs back, they try to tarnish the new girl's reputation.

(rock music)

♪ Got a pistol in my pocket

♪ And baby you can cock it

♪ Put your finger
on the trigger

♪ Feel it getting bigger

♪ Move a little closer, let
me stick it in your holster

♪ Let's do it

♪ Shoot my bullet

♪ Got a pistol in my pocket

♪ And baby you can cock it

♪ It's got a 12-inch bang

♪ But you can make it ring

♪ Blow me away, just give
me a yank and let's do it

♪ Shoot my bullet

♪ Will you blow up in my Levis

♪ You can feel my smokin' .45

♪ Got a pistol in my pocket

♪ And baby you can cock it

♪ Straight from undercover,
but don't show it to mother

♪ Looking for a stretcher,
blow my ammunition away!

♪ Ooh, let's do it

♪ Bite my bullet

♪ Well, you better
start strippin'

♪ Or you're gonna get
a pistol whippin'

- Well, Miss Devonshire,
you must be awfully proud

of the fact that one of
your prize students, Didi,

has graduated from the
Academy with honors.

Now she's been
promoted up the force,

out of the Academy,
out of basic training.

- Oh, my hair, uh, good for her!

- Excuse me.

- Uh, parole hearing
is in there, miss.

- Uh no, I'm Didi's
sister, Candy.

- That's right, she
just transferred here

this morning, didn't you?

- And you must be
Miss Devonshire.

I'm so excited to meet you.

Andl I'm really looking
forward to working my way

up the ladder here.

- Didi's sister.

Well, that would explain it,
why you're dressed like that.

You're undercover as a hooker.

- Uh, no, I've got a date.

(rock music)

(horn honks)

- Someone give that man a
citation for all that racket!

- Oh, he's here,
I gotta go, bye!

- Bye.

(rock music)

(tires screeching)

Oh, Miss Devonshire,
I have some paperwork

I'd like you organize for
me if you wouldn't mind.

You might just check
for punctuation,

spelling, grammar, you know.

While you're at it,
why don't you, well,

just go ahead and retype
the whole mess, okay?

- And you need
this by when, sir?

- Oh, I suppose first thing
tomorrow morning is soon enough.

You know, you might also
spice it up, give it a couple

of your witty anecdotes
here and there, all right?

- Oh, yeah, sir.

- Oh, Miss Devonshire, by
the way, what have you heard

about that prisoner that
Holly's been watching?

- Nothing yet, sir, but
I'm sure she'll inform us

as soon as she learns
anything at all.

- Good, good, good,
well, let's just hope

that the things I've heard
about prison are only rumors.

(rock music)

(prisoners clamoring)

(swanky music)

- Look, there she is!

- Whoo!
- Yeah, all right!

- Get away from me.

I mean it, get away from me!

Stop, no, don't, I
mean it, don't, no!


No, don't, no.

Get away from me,
get away from me!

- For the last time,

it's your turn to
sweep up tonight.

- Okay, scum, break it up!

(whimsical music)

- [Prisoner] Oh, whoo, yeah!

- All right, time to
get back in your cells!

(prisoners clamoring)

Yeah, you better
watch that group.

They're known around here
as the Rotten Apples.

They're good for nothin'!

- That's anything.

- I'm telling you, it was
just like stabbing a pillow.

- Listen, if I were you,
I'd keep my voice down.

I heard a woman
who got convicted

for something she
told her cellmate.

- Yeah, and where's her
cellmate now? (laughs)

- Would you shut up in there?

- Yeah, and what's it to you?

- Did I ever tell you
about my last cellmate?

I have this problem, I always
hurt the person that I love.

- Oh, save it for later!

- If I was to break
out of here tonight,

would you come with me?

- What are you
blabbering about now?

- You heard me, are
you coming or not?

- I don't think it's
a very good idea.

- Just watch and see.

- Guard, guard, come quick!

- Who rattled your cage?

- Listen, I need to make
an urgent phone call.

- You and everyone else.

- No listen, listen,
I'm a vice cop!

- You're what, you're what?

- Nothing, nothing.

Guard, come quick, there's
someone choking in here!

- What are you talking about,
there's nobody choking.

- Oh, no?

(woman gasping)

- Guard, wait, come back!

- Oh, watching you like this
gets me all hot and bothered.

- Oh, get off of me!

(woman coughing)

- What in the hell's
going on here?

- I don't know, why don't
you get a look at her?

- You okay?

(prisoners cheering)

- That's one down,
now who's ready to go?

(prisoners cheering)

(upbeat music)

(prisoners clamoring)

(Holly yelping)

- Oh, playing hard to get again.

- These two are having
too much fun, let 'em be.

- Hey, you!

- Hey, hey, hey!


- [Woman] All right, you girls
have exactly five seconds

to quit what you're doing
and get back to your cells.

Anyone left in the hallways
will be severely penalized.

- Eat lead!

(gun firing)

- I think we should go back.

- Oh, shut up and follow me!

(dramatic music)

Thanks, I couldn't have
done it without you.

- Don't mention it.

- Hey, stay right where you are!

- Eat my dust!

(police sirens blaring)

(dramatic music)

- Jeez, I don't
know how you do it.

You're right on time!

- We need money fast.

- A bank teller machine.

- You've gotta be
kidding. (laughs)

(sirens blaring)

- Come back here
with that newspaper

or I'll make a citizen's arrest!

(sigh) Oh, I hope I'm not late
for the Home Shopping Club.

(woman moaning)

Keep it down in there!

Don't you know this
is a family building?


Don't I do enough
while I am at work?

A nice hot cup of coffee
should sooth my nerves,

then I can type this report
and make my lunch for tomorrow.


Out of milk again,
wouldn't you know it.

- [Woman On TV] Hi,
it's me, Fantasia.

- (groans) You would not
believe the day I just had.

That man I work for could
drive anybody crazy.

- That's nice.

- Uh, where do
you keep the milk?

No, wait, the half-and-half.

- In the back case.

- Thanks, oh, and where do you
keep the knee-high stockings?

- Over there next
to the condoms.

- Thank you.

- Perfect, just the place.

Give me your coat.

- Here you go.

- Okay, I think I'm ready
to make a large withdrawal.

(sinister music)

- Well, that should do it.

Oh, let me get a copy
of today's paper.

- Now, I want you to give--

- Excuse me, miss,
I was here first!

- This will only take a minute.

- [Miss Devonshire] You
will have to wait your turn.

- Listen, I'm first!

- My mistake.

- Now you listen carefully.

- Yeah?

- I want you to empty
out the cash register

and put it in a paper bag.

- Yeah, yeah, uh,
whatever you say.

(cash register dings)

- And a bottle of wine
that'll give me a good buzz.

And don't give me no trouble.

(alarm blares)

You fool, I told you
not to try anything!

- Look, I hope they lock you
up and throw away the key.

- Why, you!

- Now remember, first I handcuff
you, you start to struggle,

then I go for the nightstick.

- Got it.

- Resisting arrest, huh?

Looks like you're
gonna have to learn

about the long arm of the law.

- [Man On Radio] Attention,
a liquor store robbery

has been reported
Tujunga and Ahora Park.

All officers in the
area report at once.

The robber is
suspected to be armed.

- What the, that's just
around the corner from here!

I'll be right there.

- Wait, come back!

(sirens blaring)

- Hey, where's my wine?

- Uh, sorry.

- Good, now, if
I get out of here

without any more trouble,
nobody's gonna get hurt.

- None from me!

- Oh, it's your turn now, miss.

- Oh, thank you. (laughs)

- Nobody move!

- Oh no!
- Huh?

- Vice cop, what's
the problem here?

- No problem here.

You, see I'm robbing this
store and I got me a hostage.

- Miss Devonshire!

- You two know each other?

- Oh, for God sakes,
Candy, go back to your date

and let this woman
make a run for it.

- Lady, you're coming
with me right now!

- Oh, please, we'll let you go.

- The hell we will, you've got
five seconds to let her go.

(glass shattering)

- Make me!

- Quick, Candy, what
was your last score

on the firing range?

Was it one out of six?

- Zero out of six.

- Oh God!


(gunshot blasting)


(glass shatters)

- Ms. Devonshire,
are you alright?

- Candy, when will
you ever learn

proper police procedure?

- Miss, this is yours.

(police sirens wailing)

(helicopter whirring)


- Wait'll they get
a load of me now!


(ceremonial music)

- You know Ms. Devonshire,

are you absolutely
certain you're up to this?

If you're not I can certainly

conduct the ceremony.

I know it's a traumatizing thing

being taken hostage.

- Shut up!

This is just what I need.

(mic feedback)

[Devonshire] Alright,
everybody get your

butts outside for the Field
Day competition pronto!

- Field Day, great.

We were supposed to
go to chapel today.

(patriotic music)

- Thank you all for
attending the annual

Vice Officers Versus The
Prisoners Field Day Event.

This year the Commissioner and I

will be your judges.

Now let the competition begin.

And remember, any
prisoner winning her event

receives a five day
work furlough program.

- Ms. Devonshire, the inmate

you asked me to keep an eye on?

She escaped last night.

I tried to call you--

- I know she escaped, you idiot.

I was the one who,

someone's watching us.

Now just a minute!

This is the Vice Officer's
refreshment table.

- Give me that hose!

- Wait your turn!

- This is your
refreshment table.

- Oh Holly!

I have something very important

I want you to do
at today's event.

- Really?

- Yes.

- Do you want me to
be a commentator?

- No, no, I want you
to wear the helmet cam.



- Now our first event
is just a minute.

Hurry up peeling those potatoes,

we need these
sacks for the race.

As I was saying,

our first event
is the sack race.

Is everybody at
the starting point?

(quirky music)

(trumpets blaring)

(gun blasting)


- Woooo!

- [Inmate] Great job, Kim!

- And in the first event that's

Vice Academy 10 points!

Prisoners, aw, a big goose egg.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you!

- I heard you were
a pro in the sack.

- Why you

- Oh no no no, now
girls, break it up now,

it's just a competition!

Oh, Holly, careful
with that helmet cam.

It's very expensive.

- Now let's check that
scoreboard one more time.

Oh my!

It looks like the
prisoners aren't

trying very hard.

And the next event is charades!

- Come on, come
on, we're up next.

Okay, look in the envelope.

Good one.

- Daisies?

Oh, is it picking flowers?

- Very good!

- Congratulations, and
if you win this event

you are eligible
for the five day

work furlough program.

- Come on girls,
come on, come on!

Chop chop!

Okay, open your envelopes.

- Hey, do we get to
use props for this?

- Oh surely.


- [Inmate] What the hell, dude?

What are you doing?

- Is it beaten with
a baseball bat?

- No, I'm sorry that was

beaten senseless
with a baseball bat.

No points.


- I know you had
something to do with this.

- Whatever do you mean?

- You know I have had
just about enough of you--

- Come on, Holly, Holly!

Come on, they're
waiting for you.

The next one is a
bullwhip breaking skin.

- No, no, I'm not doing it!

- What's going on here?

- Holly is being a party pooper.

- Oh she is?

- Are you sure you're okay?

I think you ought to try
to bleach this color out.

- Don't worry about it.

- I think it looks hot on you.

- Later.

This stuff doesn't even give

me a buzz anymore.

You got everything ready?

- Yeah, I brought the unmarked

car just like you said.

(tires screeching)
(upbeat music)


- Get in, this is your
chance of a lifetime!


- Melanie, is that you?

- That's me alright,
but from now on

call me Malathion!

- What happened to you?

- Are you coming or not?

- With you?

No, you're crazy.

- Suit yourself!

(upbeat music)


- How could something
like this happen?

- Who was that?

- That was my cellmate Melanie.

She says her new name
now is Melathion.

- Yeah, that's Melanie,
I know, I watched her.

- Yeah, another job well done.

- That cheap wine, I would
recognize that anywhere.

That was the woman who held

me hostage last night!

- Are you sure?

She didn't look so
New Wave last night.

- Well she's obviously
done something

to disguise her appearance.

- I don't think
green is her color.

- Excuse me, miss oh,
what was your name?

- Me?


- Tell me, why didn't
you go with her?

- Because Sir, I won the
work furlough program

and I didn't want to lose it.

- Well that's damn commendable!

Of course you'll have
some explaining to do.

- Yes Holly, you will,
you let that woman escape

from prison, and you Candy did

nothing to stop her rampage.

- I was speaking to
you, Ms. Devonshire.

- Me?!

- Yes!

It was your idea to
have this whole damn

Field Event Day!

If you hadn't rile
those poor prisoners

they would have never escaped!

Let's just hope that
your girls catch them

before they do any
serious damage, eh?

- Yes, Sir!

- Does this mean that
I'm back on active duty?

- Yes, Holly.

- Let's do it!

- Does this mean you're cop?

You used me!

- Oh please.

- Yes, very
commendable, Malanta.

- Samantha, Sir.

- Right.

Now we have to find you some

suitable place of work.

(celebratory music)

Any particular line of work

you'd like to pursue?

- When I was in Grammar School

I studied dance.

- Here's a position for
a topless waitress, Sir.

- Ms. Devonshire, I hardly think

that would be appropriate.

- Oh, when I was in High School

I studied acting.

- Here's a job opening
for a phone sex operator.

- I really like to sing.

- Here it is.

The perfect job.

(jazzy music)

- Excuse me, excuse
me, excuse me,

can you tell me where lzzie is?

- I'm trying to dance here.

- Yeah, I can see
you're trying to dance.

I'm trying to ask
you a question.

- What are you dressed up as?

- What does it look like?

I'm a clown, you got it?

- Yeah, I got it.

Izzie's over there.

- Thanks.

Are you lzzie?

- Yeah babe, that's me.

- For some reason I pictured

lzzie to be a little boy.

- Wrong, I'm lzzie.

What do you want?

- Well lzzie, I have a telegram.

- A telegram for me?

You got to be kidding.

- No.

(clears throat)

I know today's your birthday,

it's a very special day,

and I want to send this message

hope things go your way


- This is too much.

- Now you made me lose my place.

- Aw, I'm sorry.

- I want to send this message

to hope things go your way,

now you're one year older

and you're still dear to me.

- Hey hey, go finish
your dance over there!

- Listen, you interrupt
my song one more time

I'm going to carve these
lyrics on your body.

You got it?

- Yes, ma'am, finish your song.

- Good.

So now you're one year older,

and you're still dear to me,

hope your day is joyous,

and happy as can be.

Love, your mother.

- Thank you, that was beautiful.

- You're welcome.

You got a bathroom here?

- It's in the back.

- Thanks.

- That's lzzie's kind of woman.

- Alright, nobody move!

You behind the counter,

start emptying
out that register.

- Hey, it's my birthday,
give me a break!

- Do it, birthday boy!

(gunshot blasting)

- Quick, get me the police!

(register clinging)

- Alright, everybody
else, empty those pockets!

Give me all your belongings!

Come on honey, reach for it!

I want it all, I want
the loose change too!

- I hope you fry in the chair.


- Check if there's
anyone in back.

(horn honking)

- Gimme the gun!

- Mirana, what's
going on back there?

- Police!

Don't move!
- What the?

- We got here as
soon as we could.

- Looks like you're
a little late.

- Oh.

' YUM!

- Get out of her, sour grape.

- That's Rotten Apple.

- I called you as
soon as I heard

the robbery taking place.

I caught this one in the back.

- Nice job, Samantha.

- Thanks.

Don't worry, I got
this under control.

(sirens blaring)

- You know Ms. Devonshire,

I think you've got this
girl pegged out all wrong.

I think there's a positive

future for her in
vice enforcement.

- Yes Sir, I guess my career

choice came in handy.

- You know Ms. Devonshire,

she's going to need
a place to stay

for the next few days.

Would you mind if she
bunks in with you?

- But Sir, my place is
rather small as it is.

- Oh I'm sure she
won't mind at all.

Thank you.

- I did help bring
the prisoners in.

At least two of
those bruised peaches

are behind bars now.

- That's Rotten Apples.

- Whatever.

- Now look what I've got.

This is the tape from
the surveillance camera

in the liquor store.

Should we look at it?

(quirky music)

- You would not believe
the day I just had.

That man I work for

could drive anybody crazy.

- [Store owner] That's nice.

- Uh, that's crazy
with dedication, Sir.

No, wait, the Half and Half.

Well that should do it.

Oh, let me get a copy
of today's paper.

- Well look, there she is now,

there's that troublemaker.

- Yeah, look, she still has

her prison uniform on.

- Yeah, didn't
that strike you as

rather odd, Ms. Devonshire?

- Uh, no, it didn't.

- Hmmm.

- [Devonshire] Excuse me, Miss.

I was here first.

- This'll only take a minute.

- You will have
to wait your turn!

- [Melanie] Listen, I'm first!

- That woman is clearly
concealing a gun

underneath her coat,

now did anybody notice that?

- Um, no, didn't.

- Now you listen carefully,

I want you to empty
out the cash register

and put it in a paper bag.

- Yeah, whatever you say.

- And a bottle of wine that'll

give me a good buzz.

Don't give me no trouble.

(alarm rings)
You fool!

- Look, here comes my part.

- Oh, it's your turn now, Miss.

- Thank you.

- Nobody move!

- [Devonshire] Oh no!

- You know Candy, you look

about 20 pounds
heavier on screen.

- Yeah, well if you
would've been watching,

that woman, she wouldn't have

broken out of prison.

- Girls, I am trying
to watch the tape!

- Lady, you're
coming with me now!

- Oh please, we'll let you go!

- The hell We Will!

You've got 5 seconds
to let her go!

- [Melanie] Make me!

- Quick Candy, what was your

last score on the firing range?

Was it one out of six?

- Zero out of six.

- Zero out of six?!

I thought you said she had

a perfect score, Ms. Devonshire!

- Did I?

- Well you

(gunshot blasting)

- I've seen enough.

Ms. Devonshire,
you and your girls

are taken off active duty

as of immediately.

Tomorrow morning you can report

to the filing department.

That is all!

I'll see you in the
morning, Sambuka.

- Uh, Samantha, Sir.

- Yes.

- Ms. Devonshire, how long

is that work furlough program?

- Five days.

- Good.

I can put a stop to it
in less time than that.

So Samantha, now that
you're on the force

I guess you can join us

for our little girl's night out.

- Oh gee, I don't know,

I got all this training to do.

- Nonsense, we'll be
ready at seven o'clock,

we'll pick you up then.

(nightclub music)

- Did we have to come here?

- It's part of our
little tradition.

- What tradition?

- Shut up, Candy!

We're here to have a good time.

Bartender, drinks for
me and my friends!

- Excuse me, I've had a little

too much to drink.

Can you help me to my seat?

- Sure.

You're right, you have
had too much to drink.


- So what'll it be
tonight, ladies?

- The usual.

- Well since I've never
seen you in here before

the usual what?


- You're funny.

- Hello, lzzie.

- Oh, not you again.

Whatever you babes are drinking,

it's on lzzie.

- Now that's more like it,

we need four shot glasses

and a bottle of
your finest liquor.

- Yes, ma'am, coming right up.

- Now that's service.

So tell us about
yourself, Melanie.

- It's Samantha.

- Whatever.

- Anyway, I started out as--

- Oop, our shot
glasses are here.

Let's have a toast.

A toast to our futures.

Happy future.

- [Girls] Happy future!

- Come on, you're not drinking.

- Yeah, I know,

I have to be up
early in the morning.

- Oh it's early now.

- Well I hate to drink alone.

- You're not alone!


Hey now, isn't this cozy?

- Samantha, what were you saying

about yourself before?

- Oh, I started to say that--

- Oh Candy, stop interrupting.

We're about to have a drink.

- One more round!

That really hit the spot.


Excuse me, ladies.


- Hi there.

- Hey Sailor, out
on a weekend pass?

- I beg your pardon?

- You don't have to
beg for me, baby.

Let me be your
port in the storm.

- So Samantha, tell me
what you do with your time.

- Well recently I spent most of

my time in prison.

Guess I started hanging
out with the wrong crowd.

- Where were you in prison?

- In the cell next to you.

- Now these are the two
I was telling you about.

This one's Candy, Holly.

- I'm Candy.
- I'm Holly.

- Nice to meet 'cha!

- Say, I was thinking.

We could all get a
little sneaky peaky

and head back to my place, huh?

- The more the merrier.

- Ms. Devonshire,
with all due respect,

you hardly know these men.

- Keep your jealousy
to yourself.

This one's mine!

- Which one's mine?

- Take your pick, I
got dibs on this guy.

- Well, I have to go.


- Bye.

- Party pooper!

- I hear you can rent a room

in the back here.

- Why would I want
to rent a room?

I've already got an apartment.

- I think I love you.

What's your name?

I want to have it
tattooed across my chest.

- Griselda.

- Hey!

Another round here!

- Alright, I think you

broads have had
enough for tonight.

- Hey, that is no way to

speak to my friends, pal!




(celebratory music)

- Ah, right on time.

A fine way to start your

first day at work, Miranda.

- Uh, Samantha, Sir, thank you.

- Sit down.

Now I hope that Ms. Devonshire

didn't mind having you
stay with her last night.

- Uh, actually Sir, she
didn't come home last night.

- Really?

Doesn't seem like Ms.
Devonshire at all.

Well anyway, I
want you to tell me

everything you can about
this Malathion woman.

Anything you can do to
help us capture her.

- Well I know that she's very

(phone rings)

- Excuse me.



Are you sure?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Excuse me.

- It's your fault
that this happened.

- Will you stop yelling?

I've got a splitting migraine.

- Feeling at home again
while we're in here?

- You know you just
better watch it.

- You tell her, hunny!

- You shut up!

Oh Commissioner, I am
so glad you are here.

- What happened to you two?

- Just get us out of here.

- Get me a key for this door!

- Yes, Sir.

- [Devonshire Voiceover]
I don't know where

I'd been the night before

but I had a fresh
tattoo to show for it.

- Ms. Devonshire, honestly.


Ms. Devonshire, I had no idea

that by taking you
off active duty

there'd be so much damage done.

- No Sir, I mean yes, Sir,

I mean please please please

put me back on active duty now.

Please don't put me through

another night of this misery.

- Please don't beg.

The answer's no.

Because this is going to be a

black mark on the
Vice Academy records

and I read:

"Lewd and disorderly conduct,

"drunken brawling,

"Resisting arrest?!"

- I'm sorry, Sir.

I don't know how my girls
could have clone all that.

- Your girls?

This is your file!

- On

- Got the key?

- Get back in there.

- Yes.

- We're almost out of cash

from that liquor store holdup.

You got any ideas
for any quick cash?

- You just watch me.

(delightful music)

- Excuse me, Ma'am.

- Yeah?

- Hand over your purse!

- I beg your pardon?

- I said give me your purse!

- Leave me alone!

- Don't make me use this.



- Somebody help me,
I've been robbed!

- Calm down, ma'am.

- Somebody stole my purse!

- Me too!

- She sprayed me
right in the face!

- Okay, let me get this down.

- [Woman] Somebody
stole my purse!

- What is going on here?

- All these women
have been robbed.

- Yes, she took
everything I had!

- All my belongings!

- [Woman] Me too!

- Just calm down, calm down.

Do you have your
sketch pad, Officer?

- Yes Sir, right here, Sir.

- You think you can
identify this person?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Well good good,
I don't know who's

responsible for this, but
we've got to stop them!

Particularly before the
press gets this story.

- Green hair.

- Green, much more green.

- Bigger head.
- Attitude.

- Now bigger hair.
- And attitude, attitude.

- Yeah.

- Yes, that's her,

she's the one who robbed me

with a can of hair spray.

She's a threat to the community

and the environment.


- Great take!

I can't remember
having this much fun.

- I think I'm gonna
buy me a fur coat.

- You know, seeing all this

money gets me hot!

- You don't say!


- Whoop!

- You should have seen it.

It was awful!

- What are you talking about?

- We were waiting in the car

while Rosie and Loretta

were holding up The Seedy Bar.

They were barely inside

when the cop shows up
and nabs them both!

- What?!

Did you get any of
the cash from them?

- Are you kidding?

We were lucky to
get out of there!

- Who could be onto us already?

- Some cop dressed
up like a clown.

You ask me, it's a
pretty good cover.

- Well no one's asking you.

- Hey, look at this.

A former prison inmate,

who is now on the force,

single handedly captured

a pair of the escaped convicts

right in the middle of a holdup

and she did it while
dressed as a clown.

- What, let me see that!

Why that little,
that's Samantha,

she used to be my cellmate.

- Your cellmate?

- I should have strangled her

while I had the chance.

I can't believe this!

- Well what do you want

us to do about it?

- I'll take care of her.

And the rest of that
worthless Vice Squad!

(dramatic music)


(phone rings)

- Hello?

Oh, he's here now?

Oh good, good, I'll
be right there.

Holly, Candy, come with me.

There's someone I
want you to meet.

I've decided I'm going
to call in a specialist

to help us with our situation.

Professor Kaufinger.

- Professor Kaufinger?

- Yes, he's gonna
study the effects

of insects spraying right
here in our police lab.

Maybe he can tell
us what possesses

this Malathion woman.

Course he's going to
need a good assistant,

so which one of you
wants to volunteer?

- Gosh, it's really
tempting, but

- Putting your filing
system in order

is something I would
really hate to miss out on.

- Now girls, girls, girls,

he only needs one
of you, come on.

- Candy, congratulations,
you beat me to it.

- Hey wait a minute!

- Hello, Commissioner.

Sorry I'm late, I just finished

my workout at the gym.

- You're Professor Kaufinger?

- Yes I am.

Are you going to
be my assistant?

- Uh, no.

I'm your assistant.

My name's Candy.

- Nice to meet you.

I'm gonna go change.

Meet me at the lab
in a few minutes.

- I'll be right there.

- Well as you were.

- Listen Candy,
I've reconsidered.

I'll take the job.

- The hell you Will!

- The hell I won't!

- Candy, I really
see no reason why we

Excuse me.

- Would you mind
closing the door?

- I've decided that I'd like

to be your lab assistant also.

- Fine, there's an extra
lab coat in the back.

- Thank you.

- I didn't want
to spill anything

on my clothes.

- I see.

- I didn't want to spill

anything on my clothes.

Excuse us.

Listen, you conniving hussy,

what do you think you're up to?

- I'm going to be his assistant.

- Yeah, well he's way
out of your league.

- What do you mean by that?!

- He's good looking
and a professional!

- Girls, I'm waiting.

' [Girls] Coming!

- Could one of you get
a beaker over there?

- Certainly.

- I'll do it!

- Give me that, you don't even

know what a beaker looks like!

- [Girls] Here you go!

- Thank you.

- My name is Holly, I didn't
catch your first name.

- Nice to meet you, I'm Dirk.

Dirk, you know that
name really suits you.

I took several Chemistry
tests in school.

They should prove to
be valuable today.

- Yeah, and I took
lots of tests also.

- Candy, we don't
want to hear about

your trips to the free clinic.

- Girls, could you
get me a sample

of the Malathion solution,

it's in the corner over there.

- I'll get it!

I can handle this
one myself, Candy!

- I already have it!

- And be careful with
it, it's highly toxic.

- If you say so.

- Thank you.

- Next I need--

- [Girls] I'll get it!

- Okay, Candy you get me

the culture dishes over there

and Holly, you get
me the bunsen burner.

- Good as done!

Do you see the culture dishes?

- It's probably right
under your nose,

but you just don't see it!

- [Candy] Hey!

- Here you go.

Are you ready to light my fire?

- Pardon me?

- Listen Dirk, this
chemistry stuff is for kids.

Let's get down to some
real experimenting.

- Somehow I fail to grasp

what you're trying to say.

(glass shatters)

- Here, let me
make myself clear.

- Be careful, these chemicals

are highly volatile
when they're incensed.

- Yeah, well so am I.

- Here's the dish.

- Honestly Candy, can't
you see we're busy?

He was just about
to light my fire.

- Oh really?

Listen Dirk, if anybody's about

to get their fire
lit, it better be me.

I'm the one who volunteered

to be your stupid assistant!

- If anybody's going to
be your stupid assistant,

it's going to be me!

- Girls, why don't you
flip a coin over it?

- Fine!

- I get tails.

- Oh Amanda!

- Uh, it's Samantha, Sir.

- Could you please
mail this for me?

It's very important.

- Right away, Sir.

(quirky music)


- Keep your mouth shut

and you won't get hurt.

- We need to talk.

- Well I don't have
anything to say to you.

- From what I understand,

you stopped a robbery yesterday.

That was money I was going

to get a cut out of.

- Look, I have my own job now,

I don't care what
differences we have.

- I'm not asking you
to leave your job.

I like where you are right now.

- So what are you saying?

- What are they paying
you for all this work?

- Right now nothing,

I'm in this training program.

- I don't believe in
training programs.

How would you like
to be working for me

and getting paid for it?

- I'm not going to
quit my job for you!

- No one's asking you to quit.

I'll pay you to
stay on the force.

Just overlook any of
my crimes that you see.

- Forget it, I'm not
going to be in the take.

- You're a fool, Samantha.

- Yeah, you really want to live

on minimum wage salary?

- Think it over.

I'll be in touch.

(car revs)

(car horn honking)

(erotic music)

- Excuse us for just a moment.

- This better be good.

- I finally have it,

our one way ticket
back on the force.

I just saw Samantha
outside with Malathion.

She's on the take.

- What?

If you saw Malathion,

why didn't you
try and catch her?

- Candy, you are always
thinking so small.

Now that we know that Samantha's

working on the other side,

it'll be easy to get
her kicked off the force

and get Malathion
at the same time.

- But Samantha seems so nice.

- Candy, this is
your biggest problem.

You're always looking
for the good in people.

Why can't you be more like me?

- I still think you're wrong.

- Fine, then I'll
take the credit

when I expose her.

- Ah, did you mail
that letter for me?

- Yes I did, Sir.

May I ask you a question?

- Certainly, what is it?

- I was wondering,
am I gonna get paid

for any of training
that I'm doing?

- Well I'm sure you understand

that there is no pay for
the training program.

- Yeah, I was afraid of that.

Let's say after the
training is completed.

- Well I suppose we can give you

a starting salary.

And of course if you show
a good enough performance

then you'll get a
raise in six months.

Ms. Devonshire, how long have

you been on the force?

- 12 years, Sir.

12 of the longest, best,

and more rewarding
years of my life.

- And how much do you get paid?

- $4.60 an hour.

- Now we can start
you at $4.00 an hour.

How does that sound?

And think of all the incentive

someone like Ms.
Devonshire could be to you.


You know I like you, Sabrina.

I'm gonna give
you $5.00 an hour.

- $5.00 an hour?!

- Be quiet, Ms. Devonshire!

How does that sound?

And think of all the
benefits you get.

Do you know that if you get
shot in the line of duty,

we pay all your hospital bills?

And if you happen to get
killed in the line of duty,

well then you really rake it in.

Makes you have to really take a

good long look at that
future in Vice enforcement.

- I just hope you're
right about Samantha.

- Wait a minute, I
still need an assistant.

- Oh go play with your beaker!

- Attention, a
robbery in progress

has been spotted at
the recycling center

at Coanga and Lakerscum.

All available officers
report at once.

The suspects are
reported to be armed.

- The recycling center!

Why those are the people
that give us that money

for the Field Day
competition every year.

Do we have any spare
officers we can send out?

- No Sir, they're all on duty.

- Ahh, Candy, Holly,
I'm putting you back

on active duty as of now.

- Thank you, Sir!

- You won't regret it.

- What about me?

- I've got something
very important

for you to do too,
Ms. Devonshire.

Get back in my office

and start collating my drawers.

(bell rings)

- Hey, did you hear that?

We're back on the force!

- Will you give me back my gun?

I hope you've had
time to clean it.

That's not my gun.

You know, there's
this chrome job

I've really been--

- Oh and girls.

I'd like you take
Samantha along with you,

I think the experience
will do her some good.

Get her an extra gun, alright?

Samantha, oh, very good!

Good luck, Vice trainee.

- Thank you, Sir.

(synthesizer music)

- Alright, just follow me

and do as I say.

- Who put you in charge?

- Who else would you

rather have be in charge?

- Alright.

- Alright, we'll spread
out and try and find them.

- Hurry up, we've been
in here long enough.

- Keep your shirt on,
we're almost finished.

- You got everything?

- Yeah, all cleaned out.

- Alright, hold it right there!

- It's only Samantha.

- Yeah, you scared us!

We thought you were a real cop.

- Well I am gonna be a real cop

and I'm taking you
two in with me!

- Oh please, didn't you like

what Malathion had to offer you?

- Are you kidding,
that woman's crazy.

- No, you're the crazy one.

How much you getting
paid to be on the force?

- $5.00 an hour.


- You've got to be kidding.

- But I bet if I take you
two in I'll get a bonus.

- You want a bonus?

How does this look to you?

What do you say?

This is more than you'll make

in 1 O years on the force.

- And this is your cut
just for one day's job.

- Forget it.

I'm taking you two in.

- You're a fool, Samantha.

Always have been,
always will be.

- Freeze!

You're all under arrest!

Look, now they got away!

- Hurry, we're
almost out of here!

(tires screeching)

- I can't believe
this, I had them!

- You know this was
all part of your

plan to let them get away.

- What plan?

- Read about it in my report.


- So you think Samantha
helped you get away?

- Well she wasn't
going to at first.

- Yeah, but showing
her a wad of bills

made her come to her senses.

- I thought she'd come around.

I'm a woman of my word,

see to it she gets her cut.

- Will do.

- Things should go real smooth

with her on the force now.

- These are some very
serious accusations

you've made about Samantha.

- Every bit of it's true.

Ask her for yourself.

Just watch this.

- Samantha, have
a word with you?

- [Samantha] Why certainly, Sir.

- I've heard some rather

disturbing news, Samantha.

I heard that
Malathion offered you

a bribe to help assist
her in her crimes.

Is it true?

- Well yes, but I didn't--

- Why didn't you
tell me, Samantha?

- Because I didn't
go along with it.

I had already caught
two members in her group

and I almost had the other two.

- Ah, but you didn't catch them,

you let them get away, huh?

- I didn't let them get away!

- Sorry it had to end this way.

Clean out your locker, Samantha.

Effective immediately,
you're off

the training program officially.

- What?

- That's right, tomorrow
you can go back to prison

and live out the remainder
of your sentence.

Tonight, you can stay
in a holding tank.

- But, but I didn't do anything!

I'm innocent!

- And to think, I was going to

pay her $5.00 an hour.

- What did I tell you?

And I did it with
one day to spare.

- That was really a
rotten thing to do.

- Oh shut up, I'm
not gonna lose my job

to some crash course ex con.

- Ms. Devonshire,
aren't you gonna

do anything about this?

- Well he was gonna pay
her more than I get.

- Samantha?

I'm really sorry
about what happened.

If there's anything I can do--

- Don't worry about it,
it wasn't your fault.

- I did enjoy working with you.

- Thanks.

I really wanted to have a job

waiting for me when
I got out of prison.

I guess I ruined all my
chances of that, huh?

- AW, don't think like that.

You'll have plenty
of opportunities.

- Yeah, guess I should just

stick to what I know best.

- I meant what I said

about helping you
if you need it.

- Really?



"Here's the money I promised you

"for helping me out.

"Good work!


_ We got it!

An anti-Melathion formula.

- Good work!

And not a moment too soon.

- I guess having me
as a lab assistant

really helped.

- Yeah, right.

- Now all we need is a plan

to get her out of hiding, right?

Something so
tempting, so tempting,

that she won't possibly
be able to resist.


- Hello, I'm Ms. Devonshire

and this afternoon
the police station

is sponsoring an
Earth Day celebration.

Now all refreshments
will be served

on biodegradable plates
and there will be

an entertaining
lecture on recycling.

And all cars are welcomed
for a free smog check.

Admission to this
event is simply

the donation of a piece
of recyclable material.

All proceeds will go to the

policemen's pension fund.

There will be plenty of
food and drink for all

and remember, there
will be a drawing

for a large sum of money.

Got that?

A large, unguarded,

out in the open sum of money.

- I can't stand it anymore!

Rev up the car, we've
got a party to crash!

Now let's turn to our
community segment,

something I like to call
Devonshire's Corner.

Why we'll address topics
of interest to me.

Topics like corporal punishment,

the death penalty,
interrogation techniques.

Oh, I'm getting
rather excited now.

As a matter of fact my first

- We're off the air, miss.

- Well good work,
Ms. Devonshire!

Very convincing, huh?

I particularly liked the
part about the death penalty.

- Oh, thank you.

- What a great idea!

An event for conservation!

It's about time.

- This is not a real event!

It is intended to lure
Malathion out of hiding.

When she hears this
she will not be able

to resist showing
up and this time

we will be ready.

- Oh, so we don't really have to

bring anything
recyclable to get in.

- Oh yes you do!

I want everything to be
as realistic as possible,

particularly the part about
the drawing of the money.

- Just how realistic do
you intend to be, Sir?

- Well I've got a great idea.

What we're gonna is

I'm gonna cash all the checks

of everybody on the force

and I'm gonna use
that money as bait!

As soon as Malathion
sees that money

why she's just got to go for it!

- What about your paycheck, Sir?

- Nah, your paychecks
will be plenty.

- Our paychecks?

And what if she
gets away with them?

- Well it'll give you a greater

incentive to catch
her, won't it?


Come on, Ms. Devonshire,

there's work to be done.

(celebratory music)

- This is the most disgusting

group of people I've ever seen.

- Ms. Devonshire, be nice.

These are our guests.

Let's just hope they
don't take anything.

- Welcome!

- We don't burn
our bras anymore.

We make them into quilts.

- Very commendable.

- Phew!

- Our beamer's the red one.

Make sure you have

our smog device
checked, alright?

- What, of course.

Now that's what I
call recyclable waste.

- I cleaned up the parking lot

as I collected these cans.

- Oh, very good!

- Every little bit helps.

- I'm afraid that you've
missed the whole point, dear.

- What did I do?

- Honestly Holly,

I can't believe you'd wear

a fur coat to an
event like this.

- Yeah, well I just
wanted to look my best

which is more than
I can say for you.

- I was cleaning up
trash in the parking lot.

- Well I suppose
someone has to do it.

- Hey look, free food!

- Of course we only
eat vegetarian.

- Mmmm, this is delicious.

What is it?

- Pig's feet.


- What?

Ah ah ah ah, girls, girls,
don't touch that food,

that's for the guests!

- Now here, here's
for your cover.

Put those on and I'll explain

your position after
you've changed.

- You know, I feel
some really bad karma.

- Excuse me, Officer.

- Yes, Ma'am?

- I wonder if you
could help me out.

I seem to be having trouble

distinguishing between
aluminum cans and tin cans.

Could you come out to
my car and help me?

- Certainly, Miss.

- Thank you!

- Hey!


- Hurry up, we
haven't got much time!

- Oh Ms. Devonshire,

someone threw up on that

refreshment table over there.

Get that cleaned up, will you?

Here, use that.

Thank you.

Come on!

- Excellent cause.

- Oh, now look at that!

Someone stiffed
us with a tin can!

- What do you think
the Commissioner

had in mind when he
picked out these outfits?

- I don't know.

These outfits are
fully recyclable.

Maybe we're supposed to be

the opening act for the show!

- That makes sense!

We're dressed in theme.

- Come on, let's go!

(upbeat music)

(crowd murmuring)

(record scratching)

(party music)

- Pony!

(upbeat music)

(record scratching)

- Watusi!

(upbeat music)

- Yeah, it's better
than Woodstock.

(upbeat music)

- Do the swim!

- Stop that!

Okay, settle down
everyone, settle down now.

- What in the
H-E-double hockey sticks

do you two think you're doing?

This is supposed to
be a family event!

- But I thought you wanted us

to entertain the audience!

- Why would you think I would

want you to do a
thing like that?

What I want you to do

is get inside these two bins

of recyclable waste!

These outfits are
gonna conceal you.

- What?

I'm not getting
inside of a trash can.

- Look look look,
see, that's the money

that we're using as bait, right?

Now this is as close as I
can get you to the money

and still keep you hidden.

Now we want to get the

jump on Malathion, don't we?

Come on.

- Alright.

- Good work, good work.

- This is the most
disgusting thing

I've ever done on duty.

- Of course, you won't want to

forget your guns either.

Here you go.

- [Girls] Ow!

- Sorry.

I can still see you.

Here we go, how's that.

There, oh this is perfect!

Now don't move and
don't say a word.

- [Candy] Oh no, I
think I have an itch.

- Fine, that's better.

Now the right.

Phew, ready Sir?

- All set.

- Welcome to our little
Earth Day celebration.

Now is everybody having fun?


Hey, oh, now we don't
want to get ugly here.

(ominous music)

I'm Ms. Devonshire,

your hostess for this afternoon.

Let's get down to business.

Do you recycle?

- [Crowd] Yeah!

Yes, yeah!

- Do you care about
the deterioration

of the Ozone layer?

- [Crowd] Yes!

- Do you care about the quality

of the air that you breathe?

- [Crowd] Yeah!


' Yes!

- Do you care about the
water that you drink?

- [Crowd] Yeah!



- Do you care to tell us
what is going on back there?


- Ms. Devonshire,

this woman over here
is smoking cigarettes,

she's using hairspray,

and she's drinking out
of a Styrofoam cup!


- Young woman!

What do you have to
say for yourself?

(dramatic music)


- Holy moley!

- Malathion!

- Officer, arrest that woman!

- I don't think so.

I don't work for you guys.

- He's just kidding, right?

- Alright!

Everybody hand
over your valuables

and don't try anything funny.

You first, big mouth!

- I was gonna use that money

to buy a low flow shower head!

- Shut up!

- Let's hustle, come
on come on come on.

And I'm keeping
my eye on you two!

- Alright everybody
on the floor!

(gunshot blasting)

Like a job well done.


- Run, everybody, run!

(panicked music)

- [Audience Member] This way!

- That's our cue,
right on schedule.

- Hey, would you look at that?

- Like taking candy from a baby!


- Look at these bins over here.

- So, it's just plastic.

- Yeah, but feel
how heavy they are.

At 45 cents a pound,

there's a lot of money in here.

- You have a point.

Help me with the money,

we'll come back
for the rest later.

- Alright.
- Okay.

- [Girls] Freeze!


- Alright, get away from there!

- What are you
gonna stop us with?

- Wait, I know my gun
is in here somewhere.

- Get 'em!


(upbeat music)

- Get away from there!

- Where is my gun?

- Alright, so my
bin's heavy, huh?

(upbeat music)

- Devonshire!

Where are you, Devonshire?

- Hold it right there!

- What are you supposed to be?

- I'm your exterminator.

- You've got to be kidding.


You're not kidding.

- Any last words?

- Dodd, run, take
the money and split!

- Ms. Devonshire, very good!

- Thank you, Sir.

- Samantha, what
are you doing here?

- Sir, I need to speak to you.

Malathion offered me
this bribery money.

I was very tempted to keep it,

but something inside
me just wouldn't.

- Well you're very
honest, Samantha.

- You're very stupid!

I would have kept it.

- Well I guess that's where

we're different, Melanie.

Here's a dime.

You're gonna need it
where you're going.

- And look what we got!

- Well, very good,
girls, very good!

Looks like we caught Malathion

and her whole gang, didn't we?

Well we've cleaned up the city.

Once again we'll have
clean air to breathe

and clean water to drink

and a clean recycling center.

- Just can it already!

- Yeah, most importantly our

paycheck money is
safe and sound.

- Samantha, I didn't
expect to see you here!

- She helped us capture

one of Malathion's gang.

- Good work, I always knew

you were on our side.

- Thanks, Candy.

At least somebody believed me.

- Samantha, perhaps
I judged you wrongly,

but you know what?

I'm gonna give you
another chance.

You've got two months left
in your sentence, huh?

Well I want you to
take those two months

and I want you to study
as hard as you can

and if you pass
that entrance exam,

well then we'll put
you back on the force,

now what do you say to that?

Vice trainee, hmm?

- Yes Sir, I'll do my best, Sir!

- You won't regret this.

- Congratulations.

- Now, get these
losers out of here.

- Come on!

There's a suite at
The Gray Bar Hotel

waiting for you.

- No, I think you should take

them to jail, Ms. Devonshire.

- Yes, Sir.

- No cell could hold me!

No prison is large enough

to keep me behind bars!

No force could--

- Hey, you may have
already flushed

your life down the toilet,

but I am trying to study here!

So either you put a cork in it,

or I'm gonna shove my fist

so far down your throat

it'll never see daylight
again, you got it?!

- Yes, ma'am, I'll be quiet.

- So shut up!

(ticking clock music)

- Well

congratulations, you
made it, Officer!

- I did, I really did?

I can't believe it,
I can't believe it!

I really did?

- I knew you could do it!

- Thanks.

I can't believe it.

- Yeah, me too.

- Commissioner,
how about putting

me back on active duty now?

- Well I suppose
so, Ms. Devonshire.

- At $5.00 an hour?

- What?

- It's not unreasonable.

- Ms. Devonshire, $5.00
an hour, I don't know.

- Alright, you can
keep me at $4.60,

but you will never
ever figure out

your filing system after
what I have done to it, Sir.

- Oh, well I see your
point, Ms. Devonshire.

Very well, $5.00 an hour.

- Thank you, Sir.

And remember, I'm worth it.

- How well I know,
Ms. Devonshire.

Tell me, what are you gonna do

with all that money now that

you got a raise, huh?

- Well I have one plan.

You don't happen
to have the number

of a good tattoo remover?

(upbeat music)