Vice Academy 5 (1996) Movie Script

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Hey, watch those bumps!

Yeah, keep your

eyes on the road.

Sorry.

Whoa!

Hey!

OK, how do I look?

Like you should have

retired 10 years ago.

I wasn't asking you.

You look fine, like

the kind of girl I'd like

to bring home to my mother.

Really?

No.

Now, here's a

surveillance microphone.

It's the last one, so

be careful with it.

It's mine.

Hey, wait a minute, it

matches my outfit better.

Give it to Tracy.

You broke the last one from

twirling it around too much.

I was just trying

to get into character.

Hit the brakes, and

put the sign on the van

so we're looking conspicuous.

Ugh, could it be

any colder tonight?

Could this skirt

be any shorter?

Like, hi.

I should be wearing that

skirt [INAUDIBLE] legs.

And a big butt.

OK, if we get them

for loitering,

they'll be out by

tomorrow morning.

But if we could get

them for prostitution,

they'll be in jail for

a couple of months.

I know, assault and battery

is a one year sentence.

Why don't you see

if you can get them

to beat the crap out of you.

Oh, real funny.

Just cover me.

I'll get [INAUDIBLE]

Hey you two,

I hear the mayor wants

to beautify this city.

Why did you put

bags over your faces

and let me work this corner.

Is this too chick

crazy, or what?

Hold her down.

I'm going to show

her some manners.

Now, Candy, now!

Candy Lavelle, is it you?

Huh?

It's a Mrs. Denton,

your history teacher.

I though you were going to

be a nurse when you grew up.

What happened?

Candy, what are

you waiting for?

Um, can I explain

this to you later?

You know, this is the

worst-- you're not even

looking in a good neighborhood.

Oh no, you've

got it all wrong.

Look at my handcuffs.

My god, you're into

kinky sex, as well.

Come on.

Dr. [INAUDIBLE] Wake up!

They got my purse!

Stand up straight

and spit out that gum.

And use less makeup from now on.

Mrs. Denton, I'll see you at

the 10 year high school reunion

and I'll tell you

everything, but I gotta go.

Ow!

I'll bet you're proud of me.

Assault and battery, I

should get a promotion.

Tracy, your purse!

Oh yeah, right!

What the hell is this stuff?

How low can you get

stealing a hooker's purse?

Yeah, well what are

you going to do about it?

Me and my friend

will get her back,

my friend Smith and Wesson.

Um, Tracy?

Your friend is your bag.

Thanks for the tip, ladies.

Any last requests?

Um, yeah.

I always wanted to die

with a smile on my face.

So how would you like to do us

both right here in this alley,

right now.

What?

You heard the lady.

Would you like to

see our specialties?

She's got more tricks

than a rodeo clown.

Do it, baby.

Wanna see an encore?

[MUSIC PLAYING] Got a

pistol my pocket, and baby,

you can knock it.

Put your finger on the trigger,

feel it getting bigger,

move a little closer, let

me stick it in your holster,

let's do it.

Shoot my bullet.

Got a pistol in my pocket,

and baby, you can knock it.

It's got a 12-inch shank

and you can make it crank.

Blow it away, just give

it a yank and just do it.

Shoot my bullet.

When you roll up in my Levis,

you can feel my poking 45.

Got a pistol in my pocket,

and baby, you can knock it.

Just [INAUDIBLE] but don't

[INAUDIBLE] let's do it.

At last, a job well

done, convictions

that will stick and no one

around with a video camera

to record your antics.

You know, last time

I dressed as a hooker,

someone followed me

around with a camera.

I watched cops for

months and never saw it.

Really?

I thought even

they had standards.

Oh, shut up.

And I'm particularly

proud of you, Tracy.

First assignment,

not a single mistake.

Hm hm.

Well, I guess you

better give me back

that surveillance microphone.

We need it for another job.

I thought you had it.

Don't look at me.

It was your outfit that matched.

You lost it?

I should've known it

was too good to be true.

Well, now, now

Tracy, I expected more

from you, particularly being

Holly's younger sister.

You mean her much younger

and much prettier sister?

Oh, and by the way, she

has a message for you.

She said she's been in

prison for five years now,

and she'd like you to get her

out before she goes postal.

Well yeah, I will,

when I get around to it.

By the way, Commissioner,

where's your son Irwin today?

He was supposed to shine

my shoes and polish my car.

You make him do all

that stuff for you?

Yeah, he's the next best

thing to having a woman around.

Well, Irwin said he

was staying at home.

He had some

important work to do.

You, uh-- you

promised he'd be moving

out of the basement soon.

When is that going to happen?

Oh, someday, Miss

Devonshire, someday.

See, Irwin just needs

to find the right woman

to settle down with.

All alone with my dream girl.

Oh.

Hi, I'm Heidi Ho, your

virtual reality hooker.

What would you like to do?

I want to play a game.

Let's make sure

you're 18, first.

Who was the fifth Beatle?

I don't know.

Cher?

Close enough.

What would you like me to wear?

Hm, halter top, mini

skirt, six inch spike heels.

How's this?

Oops, I forgot my underwear.

Oh, you must be

able to read my mind.

So how much should I charge?

Five dollars.

Five dollars?

Why, you cheap son of a--

I mean, wait.

OK, five dollars.

Would you like me to be a

good girl or a bad girl?

Oh, a bad girl,

really bad girl.

Get ready.

Here comes level one.

Oh, yes!

Oh!

Oh, yes!

[MOANING]

Dad!

Well, what in blazes do

you think you're doing here?

You said you had some

very important work to do.

How could you do that?

You could have

damaged my hard drive?

I didn't even get a

chance to save the game.

Look at this!

The virtual reality hooker?

She's oversexed and underpaid.

Make her your dream girl.

Oh, who would design a game as

seedy, sleazy, and degrading

as this?

Some egghead with a

200 IQ and no girlfriend.

Yeah, what I can't understand

is how you can waste

your money on trash like this.

Why, isn't pong

good enough for you?

Come on, Dad, pong

is horribly dated.

The graphics don't even

work on my monitor.

Please, shut up.

I don't hear any

more about computers.

Miss Devonshire,

help me out here.

Explain to him why the real

thing is always better?

How would I know?

We've been married

for over three months

and you still haven't

laid a hand on me.

Do you have to

bring that up now?

Never mind.

As for you, young

man, we are having

a meeting tomorrow

at 11 o'clock,

and I will expect

you to be there.

You got it?

Yes, dad.

All right, then.

Hm.

Come along, Miss Devonshire.

I want you to get down

on all fours for me.

Oh, I've been

dreaming of this moment.

Yes, I want you to help me

get something off a high shelf.

Oh, Heidi, if only

you were a real girl,

not a graphically

enhanced computer image

with high resolution.

Now remember,

Councilwoman Capri

will be here at any moment now,

and you know what that means.

Time to brown nose again?

No, it's time for you to

be on your best behavior.

I didn't vote for her, so

does that apply to me, as well?

I am asking for additional

funding for the station,

so just behave yourself.

Oh, quick, here

she-- here she comes.

Good day, councilwoman.

I'm up here.

Well, how was your drive

over here, Councilwoman Capri?

It was fine, until I

pulled into your parking lot,

and there was someone

in my designated space.

Oh, but that's impossible.

You know, I personally roped

off an entire area for you,

put a nice little red carpet

out there and everything.

Oops, was that for her?

It's my birthday

this week, and I

thought you put it out for me.

Sorry.

Um, did you get those

lovely roses that I sent you?

Roses?

No, I never received any roses.

Dr. [INAUDIBLE],,

what happened to those flowers

I asked you to deliver?

Hey, I had a date

last night, so uh--

I figured why waste

them on someone

I didn't know when I

could get lucky with them?

I was right.

Tracy, don't you have

something nice you'd like

to say to the councilwoman?

Well, at least

I voted for you.

That is enough out

of all of you people.

I can see now why this

one police station

has never received any funding.

Let's just get down to business.

I would like to know if there is

any sexual harassment going on

around here.

You girls can tell

me, sister to sister.

Does the fact that my husband

refuses uses to consummate

our marriage count?

Miss Devonshire,

must you always

use the "M" word in public?

[INAUDIBLE] with the

restraining devices?

Devonshire!

Well, how about you two girls.

Any problems?

Can you explain

that to me a little?

Well, you know, you're

trying to get your job done,

and a male co-worker comments on

how nice you look in your short

skirt, and then you catch

one peering down your blouse,

trying to get a cheap thrill,

or trying to cop a feel when

you're working on a deadline.

Does anything like that

go on around here, hm?

Oh, like I wish.

That just sounds like

a dream job to me.

Let's just get this

meeting over with as quickly

as possible, OK?

I have decided that the

way your girls dress

is completely

inappropriate for the job.

You can barely tell them from

the hookers they arrest daily.

I'll have you know that this

outfit is a designer original,

and only a really skilled

hooker could afford one.

Good one.

Keep your opinions

to yourselves.

I think it's a fine idea.

Thank you.

But Councilwoman Capri,

there's a perfectly good reason

our girls dress like that.

Why, they make their living

enticing unsuspecting males

into quick arrests.

See, they have to

look like they're

readily available to anyone

who's remotely interested.

Telling you how close

to the truth that is.

[INAUDIBLE] Miss Devonshire.

Nothing.

Now, if you just

go on back stage,

you'll find the two new

uniforms waiting for you.

I use Devonshire

here as a role model.

You used me?

I'm so honored.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

Yeah, at least when I wear

something retro I make sure

it's in style first.

Just go backstage

and get changed.

Miss Devonshire, how would

you like to help a fellow woman

in uniform find her seat?

Oh, gladly.

By the way, would

you happen to know

any convicted sex offenders who

might be looking for a place

to work?

[INAUDIBLE]

Where's Irwin?

He's late again.

No wonder why the

alarm didn't go off.

It's unplugged.

Ready to play a game?

[LAUGHING]

[CHEERING]

Now, if everyone will

please have a seat,

the meeting will now begin.

[LAUGHING]

All right, ladies,

time for the shower.

Last one in gets

a cavity [INAUDIBLE]

So, is there a new uniform?

These must be them right here.

This isn't at all

what I expected.

Yeah, I thought we

were going to have

to wear cheap and

tasteless outfits,

not nice ones like these.

Quiet in back, please.

I would like to welcome

a Councilwoman Capri.

It isn't often that we get

a chance to see her here,

in fact, once every four years,

when she's up for re-election.

Thank you, thank you.

And remember, the polls

are open this Thursday.

Be sure to show up.

Lovely, lovely.

Oh, and yes, and

any girls who have

any sexual harassment

problems, be

sure to talk to me later today.

I am a sexpert on the subject.

If the city Councilwoman

will please have a seat,

I can continue the meeting.

Thank you.

Now, it's my pleasure

to unveil for you

now the brand new vice

academy uniforms, carefully

selected by Miss Capri.

That's right, for

our employees here.

Now, let's take a

look at what an older

woman's taste can bring

to our youthful employees.

I can't promise you anything,

but I know a divorce attorney

who can turn your

sexless marriage

to a financial windfall for you.

If you want to take your

husband for everything he's got,

let know.

I've got a number.

Well, I was thinking of

something more in terms

of a marriage counselor.

Huh, well, whatever

floats your boat.

I present for you now the

future of the Vice Academy.

[GASPS]

Yeah, all right!

All right!

Hey, show some skin!

You shut up!

What-- what is this,

some kind of sick joke?

You two have straddled the

line of good taste before,

but this really takes the cake.

Well, then whose are these?

Look, there they are!

You thieves stole our clothes?

These are yours?

Oh, now I'm really embarrassed.

I thought these

looked familiar.

That's mine, you piece of--

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I'm sure they'll be

happy to return them

if everyone will remain calm.

Come on, more hair flipping!

Do things like this

happen here every day?

Unfortunately, they do.

[GRUNTS]

[INAUDIBLE], you two.

Let's go.

Where are the clothes

you wanted us to try on?

Could anything

worse happen now?

Miss Devonshire,

you know very well

that every time you say that,

something worse does happen.

Dad, you're not

going to believe this.

Irwin, when you better

have a darn good reason

for being late.

I do.

Look!

Who's ready for cyber sex?

I told you not to

unplug the computer.

Look what happened!

Dr. [INAUDIBLE],,

Arrest that woman!

Oh, oh!

[LAUGHING]

Looks like she got away.

I can see that.

She's good.

Just a little too quick.

Oh, you people are pathetic.

Oh god, I have asked very little

of you people in the past,

but I'm asking

you something now.

Will you please catch

that crazy woman?

And I mean it, sister to sister.

What does she mean by that?

She keeps saying it.

Well now, is there anything

else you have to add, Irwin?

Well, actually there's a limo

outside with the bumper sticker

"Re-elect Councilwoman Capri."

It got broken into.

There's glass everywhere.

You know, whoever owns it

really should have parked

it much closer to the building.

This is the worst police

station I've ever been to.

I'd like to think

my clothing is sacred.

Now I don't know

where it's been.

Hey, I think you've

got my underwear on.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, watch it!

Cookie, Treat, I've been

looking for you all day.

Uh, we got in a little

trouble, Bojangles.

What, somebody stiffed

you for your money?

No, I can take care of that.

I just cut them up

when that happens.

Yeah, we got arrested and

some girl stoled our clothes.

But we got them back.

Arrested?

Doesn't sound like you

had time to do business.

My rent's due today.

We'll get it for you.

Yeah.

Can we have some

money for lunch first?

We haven't eaten

since yesterday.

Get to work!

Man, [INAUDIBLE] but

someone has got to be kidding.

Wait a second, was

it worth five bucks?

She's good, just

a bit too quick.

Bojangles [INAUDIBLE]

That woman has become a major

threat to our very existence.

She must be stopped.

I agree that cyber slut

is the biggest nuisance yet.

Oh, yes, of course.

Her, too.

But I was talking about

that feminazi councilwoman.

Well, let's deal with

them one at a time.

Very well.

We'll break up into teams.

Do you know what's going on

in your parking lot right now?

No, and I don't

want to know, either.

Haven't we heard enough

from you two today?

Yeah, well some cheap hooker

is giving it away for $5.

How are we supposed to

earn an honest living?

That's her.

I programmed Heidi to charge $5.

Oh, great.

Anything else you

programmed her to do?

Not to wear underwear.

Well, we better catch

her before she gets away.

Yeah, catch her so we

can get back to work.

Dr. [INAUDIBLE],, get these

two cheap sluts out of here.

You've got it.

Not us, you idiot.

Those two.

Sorry, honest mistake.

Let go, let go!

Hey, watch the dress!

Yeah, kick him

where it counts!

She's good, man,

just a little too fast.

Hurry, hurry, right this way!

There she is!

What do you want?

Get back in your CD-ROM.

Sorry, guys, game over.

Hey, are you

going to be holding

up this line for much longer?

Will you please go away

before I have you all arrested?

All right, girls, you've had

a filth worse than this before.

Take her down!

You asked for it.

What the-- you

let her get away!

Well, honestly,

Miss Devonshire,

we're used to getting

hookers, not Tasmanian devils!

Irwin, I've been

looking for you.

Oh, you have?

It's shoeshine day.

You want me to look

my best, don't you?

Well, actually, I've got

a lot on my mind right now.

Maybe you didn't

hear me the first time.

I have a date tonight, and

I don't have time to get

my uniform fixed for tomorrow.

I expect to find it done

and in my locker first thing

in the morning.

Whatever you say.

Don't have enough to do.

Ah!

What are you doing here?

You wanted me, so here

I am, all programmed

to do whatever you want.

I thought I'd

never see you again.

This must be a dream.

Pinch me.

Ow, I said pinch

me, not punch me.

I know every little detail

of what pushes your buttons.

Now, let me show

you how good I am.

Oh, where is the

camera when you need one?

I aim to please.

You really do

think of everything.

Take as many as you like.

Ready to play a game?

Oh, am I ever.

Let's play strip poker.

I'll make the rules.

No.

Let's see what I can download.

Here.

How's this one?

I'll go first.

That isn't what I expected.

I thought you were

an adult game.

I am.

But you never

reached that level.

You didn't know who

the fifth Beatle was.

Next time, I'll

pay more attention

in ancient history class.

We could try another one.

I don't want to play

anymore computer games.

OK.

How would you like to go to one

these exotic locales where they

photograph partially nude

women for those magazines

you keep hidden under the bed?

Oh, would I ever.

Any better?

Am I ever.

What buttons do I push to

make your clothes disappear?

You can push all my buttons.

COMMISSIONER: Irwin.

Irwin.

Huh?

Spend some time on Earth, son.

Are you through with

this ironing board?

Oh.

No, I haven't even started yet.

Well, Ms. Devonshire

just got home,

and she's got lots

of work to do.

There you are.

Maybe it was a dream.

Ah!

Don't do that.

You scared me.

Sorry.

Look, I have a better idea.

Can we go out somewhere

where I'll be seen with you?

Others will be jealous, and

you can take down my enemies.

Irwin, let's watch

the plagiarism here.

I'm not a real girl.

You're close enough.

No, you want a girl that

can give you love bites.

All I can give

you are megabytes.

Want to talk about RAM?

I get the idea.

Boy, this CD ROM

sure was a rip-off.

Oh, Irwin, just because

I can't be your girlfriend

doesn't mean I can't

help you find one.

There must be someone

you have your eye on.

Not really.

Let's try a

computer chat line.

I'm sure there's

someone eligible

for you on the internet.

I've never had much

luck with these before.

Look, someone's online.

Talk to them.

Come over here quick!

Someone's saying hello to us!

Hurry, before they get away!

Hi there.

We're calling from prison.

Quick, hang up.

Don't you want to give

them your phone number?

Oh, no, no.

Just forget it.

Well, there must be someone

from work you have your eye on.

Let me pull the file.

Oh.

I don't know.

She's too sweet and

innocent, kind of

like having sex with Bambi.

Are you kidding?

Do you know what

she was arrested

for once before she was a cop?

No, tell me.

Sorry.

It's privileged information,

but don't give up yet.

Here, let me pull

up another one.

Traci?

Oh, now we're

talking, but she won't

even give me the time of day.

She will with my help.

Let me look at her file.

Thrown out of prep

school for posing

nude with the school's mascot.

Fired from three jobs

for bad attitude.

Voted most likely to

date a married politician

and then sell her

story to the tabloids.

Boy, you really

picked a winner here.

Do you really think

you can help me get her?

If that's the classless

gold digging tramp you want,

then you got her.

All right!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Are you sure this

is going to work?

It's fool-proof.

This will only cement

your relationship.

Now show me where

the locker room is.

Hey, Candy, you got a minute?

Like, I'm busy.

Do you mind if I ignore

you some other time?

I just need a spot here.

Can you give me a hand?

Yeah, sure.

You do know what a spot is?

I mean, working out

is a man's sport.

Just [INAUDIBLE] so I

can get back to my reading.

I've been working

out for years.

Using your muscles

really makes [INAUDIBLE]..

Your jaw muscle

must be getting huge

from the workout it's getting.

Can you give me a hand here?

That was some workout.

Next time, try putting

some weight on the bar.

So Candy, have you ever

done it with Petrolino?

Are you kidding?

He's a sexist pig.

That's what I like in a man.

You know, after all those years

of dating prep school boys,

I want a man who can bring

the gutter into my bedroom.

Have you ever considered

therapy for this?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, what I wouldn't

give to be 25 again.

Why so sad, Mavis?

Oh, I just got a reply

from that inmate on death row

I proposed to.

He turned me down.

I guess he'd rather take

the chair than marry me.

Well, cheer up.

There'll be others.

I know.

But this one was a catch.

It's all right.

We'll just live together

for the rest of our lives

and keep telling

everyone we're sisters.

I should have

known something was

wrong when he requested the

swimsuit edition of "Boy's

Life."

Ms. Devonshire, you're the

only married one between us.

Tell us what it's like getting

it on a semi-regular basis.

How would I know?

My husband rolls over and falls

asleep before the lights even

go off.

You're pulling our leg.

All those nights I've longed

to stare at the ceiling,

imagining I'm with someone else.

They've gone unfulfilled.

I can't believe that.

It's true.

My nights are so empty.

I should start coming to

canasta with you two again.

Oh, we've been

doing that months ago.

Now we go to male strip joints.

Too bad you're married,

or we'd bring you along.

Let's go cash our

paycheck in singles again.

You've got it!

Listen to this, "10 Most

Popular Sexual Positions."

Think you can guess them all?

I bet I've done them all.

Well, except maybe

that last one.

Hey, is upside down on the list?

Not here.

What about the

back seat of a car?

Ms. Devonshire!

Honestly, can't I

even live vicariously?

Hey, you all set?

Just watch them find it.

Look what someone

stuck in my locker--

a book on Mapplethorpe, 200

pages of male sex organs.

Would you call this art?

Considering it's only

one I've seen recently,

I'd call it a masterpiece.

Ms. Devonshire!

Well, it's the truth.

[SNICKERING]

Look what someone

left in my locker.

"Wanted, girl willing

to ruin her looks

for a punk rock video.

Get ready to be

pierced, tattooed, have

your head shaved, and your"--

well, I can't make

out that word--

"dyed green.

Possible deferred pay."

You did this, didn't you?

Candy, even though I'm

laughing at your expense,

it does not mean that I did it.

You have to admit, it

is pretty funny, though.

She's right.

I mean, what's wrong with

a harmless practical joke?

I mean, if you can't laugh

at yourself, who can?

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh.

Excuse me.

Hello?

WOMAN (ON PHONE): Yes, I was

just there with my husband.

Could you page him for me?

My name is Lois,

last name, Standards.

Hold on.

I'm looking for the man

with Lois Standards.

Could somebody

please help me find

the man with Lois Standards?

[LAUGHTER]

All right, who is this?

How dare you play a cruel

and uncalled for joke

at my expense?

[GIGGLING]

Hello?

Oh.

What if an important

police call were coming in?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

I don't care who's burglarizing

your house right now.

I'm busy.

Somebody's going

to pay for this!

What's the matter,

Ms. Devonshire?

I mean, if you can't laugh

at yourself, then who can?

Shut up, Candy!

Who is making a

mockery of our employees?

It was me!

I confess.

Boy, I really had

you guys going.

You did this?

I hope you have a good

explanation, young man.

Well, I was trying

to impress Traci.

And I figured what better

way than by showing her

I can be both immature and

cruel at the same time?

So now will you go out with me?

Irwin, while I will

admit that finding humor

at others' expense

is amusing, it's

hardly enough to earn a date.

Next time, get me a gold card.

You mean, I did

all this for nothing?

Not for nothing, young man.

You and I are going to

have a long conversation

about you humiliating others

for your own entertainment.

Now come with me.

But Dad!

And I've got a lesson for you

for questioning my sexuality.

Uh, if you don't want

that anymore, I'd be

glad to take it off your hands.

Be my guest.

ALL: No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

And that time when you

were five years old-- flushed

an entire roll of toilet paper.

Now, son, that

wasn't funny, was it?

And don't forget the infamous

cherry bomb incident.

Nor the time that you put

Ex-Lax in the candy dish.

Tsk tsk tsk.

I get the idea.

I won't do it again.

Good boy.

Now run along.

Hi there.

Shut up.

Where's my uniform?

I forgot.

You know, I didn't

have a chance to do it.

Well, you still

seemed to have plenty

of time left for your pranks.

[INAUDIBLE] Why don't

you shine my shoes

right now using your tongue?

You know, if you're

worried about people

questioning your

sexuality, don't

you think that's a bad idea?

Dude, I'll beat the

living crap out of you.

Now, I want you to

listen to me carefully.

Who the hell is this?

Shut up and don't turn around!

From now on, I want you

to leave Irwin alone.

Because when you mess with

him, you mess with me.

And take my word for it.

You don't want to get me angry.

Give me back my gun.

I'm not finished yet!

No more getting him to

do your chores for you.

If I ever catch you

bothering him again,

I'm going to shoot off

that part of your body

you get the most pleasure from.

[INAUDIBLE] you don't mean it.

That's right, the finger that

you use on the remote control

to go back and forth between

the football game and adult

movie on Pay-Per-View.

Oh god, no.

I would rather be dead.

I'll leave him alone, I promise.

Good.

Let's start with a little game.

It's called Lights Out.

Why did you do that?

I'm going to be in so much

trouble when he wakes up.

Don't worry.

He won't remember a thing,

except to leave you alone.

Who's on the floor?

I don't know.

Hey.

Hey!

What happened to you?

Someone snuck up from

behind and cold cocked me.

Who would do

something like that?

Well, I can name a few people.

You come with me, and I'll

make you feel all better.

I'd like that.

Well, today is Tuesday.

Did anyone vote before

the polls closed?

No.

What about you, sir?

No, no.

I didn't have time either.

Well, I suppose we should

check the election returns, hm?

Hey, don't touch that!

No!

It's Drag Queen Makeover

Day on the Joan Blake Show.

[INAUDIBLE]

REPORTER (ON TV):

Today's campaign

results are finally in.

Former councilwoman Capri

lost today's election

by a mere four votes.

It's a sad day for our city.

She had promised to allocate

half a million in funds

to the local police station

if she were re-elected.

Anything you'd like to say

to the public, Ms. Capri?

Yes.

It is the fault of those damn

officers in that frickin'

Vice Academy.

And they can all kiss my ass!

REPORTER (ON TV): And here's

what she meant to say,

according to her attorney.

Oh, sir.

What you need right

now is a little TLC.

Oh, Ms. Devonshire, you

know I hate rap music.

I was talking about

my companionship.

Oh.

Uh, no, not right now.

Well, if not now, when?

When I have less on my mind!

I think it's time for us

to seek professional therapy.

Ms. Devonshire, any

relationship that needs therapy

is not worth saving.

What's the name of

this quack anyway?

Dr. Tiffany Berkowitz.

That name sounds familiar.

So how did you hear about me?

Did you attend my seminar,

I'm OK, You Need Prozac?

No, we saw your infomercial

on late night television.

No, you mean you saw it.

I don't waste my time watching

such inanities on the tube.

I'm sensing hostility here.

Shut up.

Sit down.

Now, let's see if we

can explore this and get

to the root of your problem.

What brings you to Dr. Tiffany

Berkowitz, sex therapist?

Sex therapist?

I thought we were going

to a marriage counselor.

Let me do the talking.

My husband refuses to

consummate our marriage.

Do you always have to spit

that out, Ms. Devonshire?

Terrible.

Have you found an outlet

for your frustration?

No, mine's battery-powered.

I'm talking about

other human contact.

Men are a dime a dozen.

I ought to know.

Oh!

Oh, I see you found a

qualified professional here.

Did I say it was

your turn to speak?

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me, I'll

be just one minute.

Hello?

Oh, Ethel, it's you.

How are you?

I'm right in the middle

of a session, Ethel.

I can't talk long.

Now, Ethel, you know

I cannot divulge

that kind of information.

All right.

It's the police

chief and his wife.

Or is it his mother?

I haven't determined it yet.

Yeah.

He's having the

usual man trouble.

Ah, let me get

back to you, Ethel.

All right.

Bye bye.

That Ethel, she

is such a gossip.

Now I have an idea here.

Let's determine if your

husband won't have sex with you

or can't have sex with you.

Hey there, big boy.

Come to mama.

What are you doing?

Get away from him.

Calm down, just trying

to find a solution.

He sees enough women

like you at work.

Try something else.

All right.

OK, commissioner.

Let's hear from you.

Well, I don't, um--

I don't think that

I have a problem.

It's just that every night,

every night when we go to bed,

she turns into the--

the clown doll

from "Poltergeist."

And she just sits there with

this insane look on her face,

just waiting to make her attack.

I do not!

I've never been accused of

being an aggressive woman.

Now I'm beginning

to see the light here.

Maybe she needs to

ease off a little bit.

Let you take your time.

You know, it has been very

stressful lately at work.

It's been three

months already.

OK, new idea.

So who turns the lights off

first when you think of sex?

I've-- I've had

enough of this quackery.

Can we-- can we

just go home now?

Fine.

But don't say I didn't try.

That'll be $150.

$150?

I was under the impression

that you therapists

used a sliding scale.

Where do you think you are?

I am a Beverly Hills

boutique therapist.

Now you can just slide

yourselves right out of here.

Well, let's get

out of here quick

before she raises her rate.

Hello, Ethel?

Have I got stories for you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's really flattering when

a guy goes to the trouble

of making dinner for me.

Yeah, well, I've always

found it the easiest way to get

a woman out of her clothes.

Oh, I love it when

you talk that way.

You don't mince

your words, do you?

I hate mixed signals.

Do you live here alone?

The only way to go.

What do you say we

skip the second entree

and go straight for dessert?

I didn't make any dessert.

Oh.

I always come prepared.

Oh, Petrolino.

Oh, baby.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Are you still here?

I'm upgrading my libido.

Oh, you are going to get

me in a lot of trouble.

My dad's looking for you.

I have some money for you.

Here's today's earnings.

You programmed me.

You deserve it.

There's over $100 here.

I was only in business for

a few minutes, but I'm fast.

Buy yourself some new clothes.

Anything else I

can help you with?

Well, do I still have

a shot at getting Traci?

It might be a little

late, but you never know.

Ready for level two?

[SHATTERING]

COMMISSIONER: Irwin,

what's going on down there?

Say, what's all the racket

down here, young man?

Uh, just playing Pong.

Ms. Devonshire, will you

come downstairs please?

What are you supposed to be?

Well, you seem to think

I'm some sort of clown

waiting to pounce on you.

Thought we'd try a

little role playing.

And you wonder why

you're not getting any.

I was hoping that

maybe you could

give Irwin here a few tips

on how to get a girlfriend.

Well, appearance

is very important.

Maybe I'm talking

to the wrong person.

What are you looking

at, young man?

Nothing.

It's just not every day I

have a clown in my bedroom.

Huh.

Me neither.

Well, come on, Ms. Devonshire.

It's getting late.

Ready to go play

The Circus is in Town?

Hm.

I'm sleeping on

the couch tonight.

My compliments to the chef.

I could say the same.

So what are you

two laughing about?

Nothing, you would

have had to been there.

So Petrolino, how about

another entree tonight?

Whoa!

Did you get dressed in the dark?

What's the matter with it?

Petrolino, you take this one.

You look fine.

Come on, rip into him.

I don't know what to say.

Do you think they have the

same outfit in my size?

You're losing your touch.

I could always count

on you to make him feel

bad for a few cheap laughs.

Try again.

My mind is blank

on this subject.

So what are we doing

for dinner tonight?

Get real.

Boy, did I misjudge you.

You do have a kind heart.

What was I thinking?

Traci, wait.

Get lost.

Give me a minute.

Don't pay any

attention to them, Irwin.

I think you look nice.

You do?

Yeah.

Hey, so do you want to maybe

go to the movies later?

I think "Bambi" is playing.

You don't say.

Oh, Fern, your idea

of dressing as a clown

didn't work either.

You're kidding.

It was foolproof.

What am I going to do?

My honeymoon's over, and

it never even started.

Your marriage is starting to

sound like a Patsy Cline song.

I'm falling to pieces.

What about this game

show, "Fit for a Queen"?

You'd be perfect.

Contestants go on

and whine about

all the misery in their lives.

The one who's the most pitiful

wins [INAUDIBLE] prizes.

Yeah.

If your life isn't

pathetic, then whose is?

You're right.

But my husband

hates it when I air

our dirty laundry in public.

Even if you could win

a toaster oven for it?

Fair enough.

It's time I turn my

lemons into lemonade.

[BUZZ]

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, everyone, and welcome

to "Fit for a Queen,"

the television show where

women embarrass themselves

for cheap and tasteless prizes.

Well, it's time to meet

our first contestant.

Welcome Thelma

Louise Devonshire,

whose name alone should be

worth a couple of prizes, huh?

Oh, thank you.

Now are you ready to

hear about my problem?

Whoa, hang on.

Where's the fire?

Let's introduce you first,

learn a little bit about you.

Tell us about your job.

Well, I work with

a bunch of morons.

I don't know which is

worse, the hookers we arrest

or the undercover cops

who impersonate them.

All I know is they make

my life a living hell.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can I say that on television?

We'd prefer that you didn't.

Well, anyway, these

girls came to my wedding,

and they broke all my gifts.

And then I still had to

write thank you notes.

But that's the worst of it!

My husband refuses to

consummate our marriage.

Gee, you wonder why.

I've even tried dressing

as a clown during sex.

Nothing seems to work.

Well, I think it's time

to meet our next contestant.

Why, my goodness, it's former

councilwoman Jean Capri!

Oh, you think her life is bad.

Well, you should

hear about mine.

I used to be on the

city council until I

went to her police station,

and her girls humiliated me.

And I lost the election.

They only humiliated

her for one afternoon.

I've had to deal

with it for 12 years.

Now Ms. Devonshire,

is it your turn?

Continue, Ms. Capri.

Thank you.

I was planning on skimming

taxpayer revenues,

so I could go on a

trip around the world

with my new boyfriend.

And then he left me for

another woman who had a job.

He's a two-bit gigolo.

My, how will you

ever afford another?

And then-- and then

my car got broke into.

And I had to drown my

sorrows in cheap liquor.

You want some?

I know what it feels

like to be an alcoholic,

because I'm a chocoholic.

Now Ms. Devonshire,

did she interrupt

when it was your turn?

Oh, no.

She was passed out.

Well, I think it's

clear who our winner is.

But let's go to the old

applause meter, shall we?

And for Ms. Devonshire

and her sexless marriage.

[FAILURE SOUND EFFECT]

Aw.

And now Ms. Jean Capri

and her fall from office.

[TRIUMPHANT FANFARE]

Yeah, we definitely

have a winner here

and a great big check for $5,000

paid out to the rehab center

of your choice.

Oh, that's good.

Now I can go dry

out [INAUDIBLE]..

And don't think

we've forgotten

about you, Ms. Devonshire.

As a consolation prize, we

have this lovely package

of [INAUDIBLE] detox patches

to help with your addiction

as well.

Well, anybody out there in TV

land you'd like to say hi to?

There sure is.

Thanks a lot, Mavis,

and you, too, Fern.

Now hurry up and

switch the channels

before the commissioner

comes in and sees me.

If he catches me on television

airing our dirty laundry,

Lord knows what he'll do.

Well, that's it for now.

We'll see you next time

on "Fit for a Queen."

What in blazes

is she up to now?

Don't be angry with her.

Yeah.

She was just trying to win some

cheap prizes behind your back.

[WHIMPERING]

She emasculates me

further every day.

[CLEARING THROAT] Out on

business, Ms. Devonshire, hm?

Well, uh, yes!

I'm afraid you're not getting

off the hook on this one.

First it was that clown suit

and now local television.

When will it stop?

We're not feeling so well.

There's some kind of virus.

I've been sick since I

had sex in your parking lot.

We ought to sue.

Do you want to see my rash?

Let's get out of here!

Ah, but we're not finished!

Whew!

I thought they'd

never leave us alone.

I think we need

to go see a doctor.

Maybe it was your edible

underwear I had last night.

Shut up, you stupid jerk.

Does everyone have to know?

So what's going on here now?

Well, it seems that everyone

that's had sex with that cyber

slut is sick now.

Irwin, when's the

last time you checked

your computer for viruses?

I don't know.

Well, maybe it's time.

So where did you

get yours, Traci?

From eating a pork product?

Oh, shut up.

Remind me to smack you

one when I feel better.

I better be getting home.

Irwin, is there--

is there something going on

that you should tell us, son?

Uh, no.

Nothing.

Do you want me to go with you?

Oh, no, I can

handle it myself.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOG BARKING]

You got me in really

big trouble this time.

I've been waiting

to say goodbye.

It's time to move on

to level three, Irwin.

I've done everything I can here.

Level three, what

are you talking about?

All these people at

the police station

have a virus after

being with you.

Boy, there's a lesson

to be learned here.

Just run a computer

disinfectant program by them,

and they'll be fine.

Now, if that's all you

wanted, I'll be seeing you.

I thought you were mine.

I bought the game.

With each day, I move

on to the next level.

Now I'm on three.

I am going to become the

Hollywood Cyber Madam.

I'm going to turn around the

prostitution of this city.

My father is not

going to like that.

Too bad.

He's right about

one thing, though.

Next time, stick to Pong.

Ow!

Oh.

Ow.

Ugh, that one

didn't work either.

Be patient.

One of them will

make you feel better.

Ow!

Can't we do this orally?

We got to get that

bug where it's bit you.

This is the worst.

Well, it looks pretty

funny from this end.

Ugh, would you shut up?

Here, just hold this.

It'll get rid of your virus.

This is all your fault.

Oh, I won't be able

to sit down for weeks.

Hmph, well,

that'll be a first.

Well, you're not going

to like what's next.

The virtual reality

hooker's moved

on to the next game level.

She's taking over the

city's prostitution,

becoming the

Hollywood Cyber Madam.

Great.

Anything else?

Yeah, I should

have stuck to Pong.

How-- how do you know

all this, young man?

Have you been in

cahoots with her?

She has been staying

with me in the basement

for the last couple of days.

Oh, this is just great.

She's been living

under our roof.

She took off today.

I don't know where she went.

Just think-- the

city overrun with

prostitution and corruption.

You know, we may have to

take to the roof as snipers

to reinstate law and order.

Oh, no, you don't.

I got four flat tires the

last time you tried that.

We need a different plan.

Hm.

How can we get her

back into that computer

before it's too late?

You got me.

But if you have any

ideas, you let me know.

No, no, no.

I'm afraid this

is all your fault.

You are going to have to

come up with the answer.

Yeah.

Just think, if I were a

virtual reality hooker,

where would I be right now?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, two girls.

No waiting.

Step right up!

We're not getting any younger.

What do you

think you're doing?

I want you to

meet your new boss.

I don't work for no one.

Girls, get this

crazy broad away now.

[CAR HORN BEEPS]

I think you should

reconsider my offer.

I give up.

I thought you'd see it my way.

What do you want with

my business anyway?

You seem to be suffering from

an overinflated marketplace.

You need to think more

of supply and demand.

What is she talking about?

How do we do that?

By lowering your price

to $5 per customer.

You've got to be kidding.

We're worth a little

more than that.

What you lose in quality

you will make up in quantity.

And here's a free

sign for advertising.

Get to work.

There's a mattress

in the alleyway.

HOOKER: Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Next!

Oh.

You should have

kept your socks on.

Next!

We want to turn ourselves in.

We're giving up

on lives of crime.

Well, that is very

commendable, girls.

We want to dedicate

ourselves to community service.

Yes, giving something back,

something non-communicable.

Oh, well, this is a first.

I've never seen

anything like it.

All right, suckers!

Put your hands up, and

don't try anything funny.

I should have known it

was too good to be true.

We want your wallets, all your

jewelry, and any major credit

cards you have.

I've never seen

such brazen behavior.

Shut up before we

pump some lead into you.

Do you honestly think you

can rob a police station

and get away with it?

[LAUGHS] Other stations, no.

This one, yes.

Could anything worse happen?

[INAUDIBLE] saying that.

Here, Dad.

I cashed your check.

Small unmarked bills,

just like you wanted.

Thanks, Irwin.

No, thank you.

Hey, Ms. Devonshire, here's

the 50 bucks I owe you.

Thank you.

Here's your priceless

silver set I borrowed

that's quite an heirloom.

HOOKER: We'll take that.

Hey, Ms. Devonshire, you

know that lottery ticket

you wanted me to get you?

It's a winner.

10,000 bucks can sure

buy you lots of dreams.

You can sure say that again.

Ms. Devonshire, a probate

attorney was just here.

You just inherited a mansion

in England, and it's haunted.

Was that everyone?

Candy, my gun!

It's in my purse.

Huh?

Thanks for sharing.

Now, everyone stay put.

It's time to say good bye.

Bye bye.

Well, don't just stand there!

After them!

They did have an

awfully fake gun.

Well, at least

our debt is even.

That silver set did

need to be polished.

Maybe I read the number

wrong on the lottery ticket.

Who would live in a

haunted house anyway?

I never did like that purse.

Boy, did we clean up

today over 10,000 bucks.

In five minutes?

You girls are fast.

Get real.

We robbed the police station.

A lot quicker than

5 bucks a trick.

Smart thinking.

Come on, hand it over.

Got anymore ideas?

This is just the beginning.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm afraid things have gotten

just too far out of hand.

I've decided to call on

a pair of specialists

to help us get matters back

under our control again.

Oh, sir, you took my advice

and contacted that doctor

who does penile implants.

I'm going to pretend

I didn't hear that.

Girls, I'd like you to meet

Dilbert Feeney, computer genius

and creator of the

Virtual Reality Hooker,

and Captain Hank Grisham, head

of the local SWAT team here,

in case things get ugly.

Hello.

Hi there.

Now let's keep this simple.

They're both going

to need new partners

while on duty here,

so who wants to work

with the SWAT commander?

[SQUABBLING INDISTINCTLY]

Girls, must you fight

over everything?

I guess he's mine.

Oh, very well.

Now, [CLEARS THROAT]

Captain Hank Grisham,

meet your new partner, Traci.

The honor's all mine.

You can say that again.

Yeah.

And Dilbert, meet your

new partner, Candy.

Hi.

I used to be such a

nerd in high school.

[INAUDIBLE]

You don't say.

Hey, say, Dilbert,

isn't it a rare phenomena

for a computer-generated

character to break

out into the real world?

Well, you'd think so,

but it's happened in six

or seven other movies so far.

You know, the Virtual

Reality Hooker

was my best-selling CD ROM.

It helped put me

through college and pay

for my first two houses.

You know, I'm not used

to a guy with brains.

I mean, I prefer

them dumb but cute.

But then what have I got to

offer a relationship, you know?

Yeah.

I used to think education was

important, until I discovered

the lure of making money.

Now I'm trying to break

into the Fortune 500.

Break in?

Can't you get arrested for that?

No, it's just a

listing of businesses.

Oh.

I guess my lack of savvy

really shows now, huh?

You see, that's

what I like about you.

You can look deep

inside a person

and like them for

who they really are,

not just judging

by their exterior.

Yep.

That's me, all right.

It's OK, Candy.

I'm not used to being

treated like a piece of meat.

It'll be a new

experience for me.

Well, you came

to the right place.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS] Wait.

Not upside down, I've

done that one already.

OK.

Hey.

Not so rough with

that joy stick.

Oh, [LAUGHS] sorry.

[MOANING]

Ugh, some days,

it just doesn't

pay to get out of your futon.

Say, you wanna know

what I keep in here

for those cold lonely nights?

Would you shut up?

I'm trying to listen

to something here.

Hey, Traci, do you know

where the computer genius is?

Irwin, tell me something.

How can you tell

that this guy right

here isn't a computer whiz?

[CHUCKLES] That's easy.

He doesn't look like he has a

manual dexterity of someone who

sits behind a keyboard all day.

Us computer guys can really

work magic with our fingers.

You don't say.

He's right in there.

Don't bother knocking.

Uh, like, hi.

Sorry to interrupt.

Here's a copy of

the game you wanted.

Oh, great.

I'll see if I can find

a bug in the program.

OK, so you can go now.

Honestly, Candy, doing

it on a computer table?

I thought even

you had standards.

Oh, shut up already.

Say, didn't I see

you at last month's

science fiction convention?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was terminating fat

girls in the hotel lobby.

Oh, wait til next month.

They're showing all the

"Trek" movies in order.

And then they're discussing how

the bridge changes in each one.

Really?

I can't wait.

Irwin, can't you tell that

we have, like, some work to do?

You know, you

really should read

the warning labels on these

before you play these games.

You know, if you tamper

with them in any way,

who knows what can happen?

You know, I always keep

a portable computer game

with me on those long trips.

I play a pretty

mean game of Pong.

Anyone want to try me?

Huh?

Uh, no.

Let me guess, did

you program her to be

a good girl or a bad girl?

Bad girl.

A really bad girl.

Why do I even bother making

good girl one of the options?

Let's change her back,

see if it does any good.

Wait a minute,

something's wrong.

The access code has been denied.

[BEEPING]

You OK?

Yeah.

Someone's just pulling

my scuzzy chain.

It may take a while

to find a new one.

[SIRENS]

Honestly, whose

car alarm is that?

It's not mine.

My hummer's rigged that

if anyone goes near it

gets 5,000 volts of electricity.

Isn't that dangerous

to leave on all the time?

No, not at all.

Actually, it's quite

funny when someone tries

to wash my windows for $1.

Petrolino, is that yours?

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't look at me.

My corvette alarm

clears when you're

in love with a beautiful woman

if anyone gets too close.

Uh, no, it doesn't.

Traci and I [INAUDIBLE] and

disconnected it this morning.

Oh, will someone please

turn off that infernal racket?

I'll do it!

I just hope the owner is

a handsome millionaire

who wants to make me

an indecent proposal.

Who's making that disturbance?

That'll be me!

I'm the guilty party.

What do you

think you're doing?

You're going to help me

get money in my pocket.

You already got my silver

set, a mansion in England,

and a winning lottery ticket.

Isn't that enough for one day?

Shut up.

We've got a [INAUDIBLE].

Just last week,

there was a hostage

standoff at the local bank.

They called in my team.

I was in charge, of course.

Two minutes flat, bam bam bam.

It was over.

The city sure is lucky

to have you on their side.

You got that right.

I may be in court

several months, though.

[INAUDIBLE] a few

too many civilians

in the crossfire again.

Aw.

I like you, Hank, you know.

You're-- you're like the

son that I never had.

I know Oh, sorry, Irwin.

Didn't see you standing there.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh.

Yellow?

Listen up, man.

I got one of your

employees here.

And I want $5,000 in

ransom to get her back.

I'm more than an employee!

I'm the commissioner's wife!

Make that 10,000.

Ow!

Yes.

I know right where it is.

I'll take care of her.

Somebody has kidnapped

Ms. Devonshire!

And they want $10,000

for her safe return!

Where are you going to

get that kind of money from?

Who says I'm going to pay?

Why, that's what why

we have Hank here,

the best sharpshooter around.

Why, if anyone can get her back,

you can, can't you, Hankie?

You can count on me, sir.

When an innocent child is

kidnapped from her family,

I'll be there.

When a loyal group of

wholesome employees

get a surprise visit from a

former worker, I'll be there.

When our American

embassy is taken

hostage by angry

revolutionaries, I'll be there.

Man, you make me proud

of to be an American.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yes.

I see.

Gotta go.

I just received

an urgent message.

My services are needed in

Washington immediately.

It seems someone is flying a

small aircraft a little too

close to the White House again.

Aw, too bad.

Well, that's all right.

Traci, Candy, they can

take care of it, can't you?

Girls, grab some tear gas and

a couple of assault rifles.

Sir, do you think you're

making a wise choice?

No.

It's never stopped me before.

Oh, and, uh, girls, bring her

back as soon as you can, huh?

Tomorrow's laundry day.

So Traci, have you ever held

a hostage situation before?

No, never.

Well, at least I'm

not the only one.

Hank, any last minute advice?

Always wear protection when

visiting a foreign brothel.

Excuse me, ladies.

Your husband must

really love you to cough

up the ransom money so quickly.

He said he'd pay you?

Sure did.

Now I know I'm dead.

So what are we supposed

to do with this knapsack?

I don't know.

It should be full of

things that we need.

What have we got?

Um, let's see.

We got trench foot

cream, penicillin,

leopard striped

underwear, and a copy

of the best brothels in Europe.

Where's the tear gas?

Oh, Candy, you took

Hank's bag by mistake.

Oh, he's going to be

one unhappy camper.

[INAUDIBLE] So do you remember

any of the advice he gave you?

Something about civilians

in the crossfire, and then

blah blah blah, it was over.

Dad, here's the walkie

talkies you wanted.

Now we can follow what

Candy and Traci are doing.

Good!

Good work.

Of course, you gave them

one before they left, right?

I was supposed

to give them one?

Well, at least they showed up.

OK, I see them

in the distance.

I have an idea.

Maybe he'll think the

money is in this bag.

Throw it far away from him,

so then when he walks away,

we'll make our move.

OK.

Here goes.

OK, here's the money!

Get ready to release her.

Throw it.

Good shot, huh?

You were supposed to miss him.

Oops, sorry.

God, I wish I

would've been listening

when Hank was talking.

Maybe I would have

learned something.

You people got your money.

How about letting me go?

I wasn't born yesterday.

I want to see it first.

Hand it to me.

Here you go.

Don't you trust the

police department?

Yeah, right.

Why, you--

Now we bring out both barrels.

Hey, I found a new password.

We've got her now.

What's the matter with you?

I don't know.

My mind has suddenly gone blank,

and now I'm wearing underwear.

There goes our bluff.

Get ready to open fire.

OK.

Hey, this gun is jammed.

Watch it!

[GUN SHOTS]

[SCREAMING]

Stop shooting!

I give up!

I give up.

I wouldn't have

believed it if I hadn't

seen it with my own eyes.

How could we have the top

SWAT specialist at our station

and I get you two to rescue me?

Just lucky I guess.

Let go of me, you cyber fool.

And don't forget these two.

Well, here we are.

Another job well done.

Ms. Devonshire.

It's good to have

you back again.

You really mean that?

Oh, of course I do.

It's almost time for

you to make dinner.

Would you believe she

had captured these two?

I guess my

reprogramming worked.

COMMISSIONER: Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, yes.

And now, you two

are going to have

to give back that lottery

ticket and everything else

that you have stolen.

There goes our bail.

Can I say something?

What is it?

You people are crazy.

I just want to be locked

up and taken away.

You heard the man.

We aim to please.

So are you single?

Any plans once you get released?

You're not talking

to me, are you?

I was worried

about you, Candy.

It's good to have

you back unharmed.

That's so sweet.

You do care.

Oh.

So Petrolino, were

you worried about me?

You're darn right I was.

You still need to

reconnect my car alarm.

Well, you're all

just in time to see

us send that virtual reality

hooker back to the computer.

No!

Don't send her back.

She's the closest thing to a

real girlfriend I ever had.

Oh, Irwin, be reasonable.

There's still plenty of

girls out there for you.

Oh!

Take Candy, for instance.

Oh, as if!

Well, I guess you're right.

But before you send her back,

can somebody please tell me

who the fifth Beatle was?

Hey, here's that new

program I was working on.

It has all the bugs removed

from the first version.

Just reinstall it.

It should be ready to go.

That's all?

Yep.

Well, I've got to go now.

Doing my first

college lecture today.

It only pays 10 grand,

but what the heck.

Well-- well, wait.

Maybe you need somebody to

hold your pointer for you.

That's right.

Get out of here,

you computer geek.

I used to wipe my feet on nerds

like you back in high school.

Wow, Petrolino,

I haven't heard

you talk like that for days.

Let's have dinner

tonight, on me.

Now you're talking.

All right, quit stalling.

You know what you

have to do, Irwin.

Can you just give me a minute?

I'm really going to miss you.

This was the best

week I've ever had.

I get kidnapped, and

this was your best week?

I only have one thing to say.

Stuart Sutcliffe.

Huh?

The fifth Beatle.

OK.

I'm ready.

Bye.

Very good.

Sir, when can I get my

winning lottery ticket

and estate in England back?

Well, you can't.

No, we have to hold that as

state's evidence, you know.

We can never return it to

you, the innocent victim.

In fact, I was thinking of

using it for the funding

that we never got

from the councilwoman.

What?

But that money belongs to me.

Ms. Devonshire, don't you

care at all about the future

of the Vice Academy?

Yes.

I'd like to see

it go on forever.

Good.

That's what I hoped you'd say.

Dad, don't!

Remember what

happened last time?

Oh, good one.

What's going to happen, huh?

I'm going to suddenly turn

into the virtual reality pimp?

I'm smoking.

Oh, somebody stop him.

What the--

I better call Dilbert

and get another disc.

Oh!

What's shaking, mama?

How 'bout a little

motion with the ocean?

Irwin, put that phone down.

This is the best thing

that's ever happened.

You better get

a move on, woman!

The night is young and it's

time to get done, [INAUDIBLE]

You don't have

to tell me twice.

Well, let's see what

computer game she left me.

WOMAN: Ready to play Global

Thermonuclear Warfare?

Cool.

MAN: Irwin!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Vice Academy 5 (1996) - full transcript