Vice Academy 5 (1996) - full transcript

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Hey, watch those bumps!

Yeah, keep your
eyes on the road.

Sorry.

Whoa!

Hey!

OK, how do I look?

Like you should have
retired 10 years ago.

I wasn't asking you.

You look fine, like
the kind of girl I'd like

to bring home to my mother.



Really?

No.

Now, here's a
surveillance microphone.

It's the last one, so
be careful with it.

It's mine.

Hey, wait a minute, it
matches my outfit better.

Give it to Tracy.

You broke the last one from
twirling it around too much.

I was just trying
to get into character.

Hit the brakes, and
put the sign on the van

so we're looking conspicuous.

Ugh, could it be
any colder tonight?

Could this skirt
be any shorter?

Like, hi.



I should be wearing that
skirt [INAUDIBLE] legs.

And a big butt.

OK, if we get them
for loitering,

they'll be out by
tomorrow morning.

But if we could get
them for prostitution,

they'll be in jail for
a couple of months.

I know, assault and battery
is a one year sentence.

Why don't you see
if you can get them

to beat the crap out of you.

Oh, real funny.

Just cover me.

I'll get [INAUDIBLE]
Hey you two,

I hear the mayor wants
to beautify this city.

Why did you put
bags over your faces

and let me work this corner.

Is this too chick
crazy, or what?

Hold her down.

I'm going to show
her some manners.

Now, Candy, now!

Candy Lavelle, is it you?

Huh?

It's a Mrs. Denton,
your history teacher.

I though you were going to
be a nurse when you grew up.

What happened?

Candy, what are
you waiting for?

Um, can I explain
this to you later?

You know, this is the
worst-- you're not even

looking in a good neighborhood.

Oh no, you've
got it all wrong.

Look at my handcuffs.

My god, you're into
kinky sex, as well.

Come on.

Dr. [INAUDIBLE] Wake up!

They got my purse!

Stand up straight
and spit out that gum.

And use less makeup from now on.

Mrs. Denton, I'll see you at
the 10 year high school reunion

and I'll tell you
everything, but I gotta go.

Ow!

I'll bet you're proud of me.

Assault and battery, I
should get a promotion.

Tracy, your purse!

Oh yeah, right!

What the hell is this stuff?

How low can you get
stealing a hooker's purse?

Yeah, well what are
you going to do about it?

Me and my friend
will get her back,

my friend Smith and Wesson.

Um, Tracy?

Your friend is your bag.

Thanks for the tip, ladies.

Any last requests?

Um, yeah.

I always wanted to die
with a smile on my face.

So how would you like to do us
both right here in this alley,

right now.

What?

You heard the lady.

Would you like to
see our specialties?

She's got more tricks
than a rodeo clown.

Do it, baby.

Wanna see an encore?

[MUSIC PLAYING] Got a
pistol my pocket, and baby,

you can knock it.

Put your finger on the trigger,
feel it getting bigger,

move a little closer, let
me stick it in your holster,

let's do it.

Shoot my bullet.

Got a pistol in my pocket,
and baby, you can knock it.

It's got a 12-inch shank
and you can make it crank.

Blow it away, just give
it a yank and just do it.

Shoot my bullet.

When you roll up in my Levis,
you can feel my poking 45.

Got a pistol in my pocket,
and baby, you can knock it.

Just [INAUDIBLE] but don't
[INAUDIBLE] let's do it.

At last, a job well
done, convictions

that will stick and no one
around with a video camera

to record your antics.

You know, last time
I dressed as a hooker,

someone followed me
around with a camera.

I watched cops for
months and never saw it.

Really?

I thought even
they had standards.

Oh, shut up.

And I'm particularly
proud of you, Tracy.

First assignment,
not a single mistake.

Hm hm.

Well, I guess you
better give me back

that surveillance microphone.

We need it for another job.

I thought you had it.

Don't look at me.

It was your outfit that matched.

You lost it?

I should've known it
was too good to be true.

Well, now, now
Tracy, I expected more

from you, particularly being
Holly's younger sister.

You mean her much younger
and much prettier sister?

Oh, and by the way, she
has a message for you.

She said she's been in
prison for five years now,

and she'd like you to get her
out before she goes postal.

Well yeah, I will,
when I get around to it.

By the way, Commissioner,
where's your son Irwin today?

He was supposed to shine
my shoes and polish my car.

You make him do all
that stuff for you?

Yeah, he's the next best
thing to having a woman around.

Well, Irwin said he
was staying at home.

He had some
important work to do.

You, uh-- you
promised he'd be moving

out of the basement soon.

When is that going to happen?

Oh, someday, Miss
Devonshire, someday.

See, Irwin just needs
to find the right woman

to settle down with.

All alone with my dream girl.

Oh.

Hi, I'm Heidi Ho, your
virtual reality hooker.

What would you like to do?

I want to play a game.

Let's make sure
you're 18, first.

Who was the fifth Beatle?

I don't know.

Cher?

Close enough.

What would you like me to wear?

Hm, halter top, mini
skirt, six inch spike heels.

How's this?

Oops, I forgot my underwear.

Oh, you must be
able to read my mind.

So how much should I charge?

Five dollars.

Five dollars?

Why, you cheap son of a--

I mean, wait.

OK, five dollars.

Would you like me to be a
good girl or a bad girl?

Oh, a bad girl,
really bad girl.

Get ready.

Here comes level one.

Oh, yes!

Oh!

Oh, yes!

[MOANING]

Dad!

Well, what in blazes do
you think you're doing here?

You said you had some
very important work to do.

How could you do that?

You could have
damaged my hard drive?

I didn't even get a
chance to save the game.

Look at this!

The virtual reality hooker?

She's oversexed and underpaid.

Make her your dream girl.

Oh, who would design a game as
seedy, sleazy, and degrading

as this?

Some egghead with a
200 IQ and no girlfriend.

Yeah, what I can't understand
is how you can waste

your money on trash like this.

Why, isn't pong
good enough for you?

Come on, Dad, pong
is horribly dated.

The graphics don't even
work on my monitor.

Please, shut up.

I don't hear any
more about computers.

Miss Devonshire,
help me out here.

Explain to him why the real
thing is always better?

How would I know?

We've been married
for over three months

and you still haven't
laid a hand on me.

Do you have to
bring that up now?

Never mind.

As for you, young
man, we are having

a meeting tomorrow
at 11 o'clock,

and I will expect
you to be there.

You got it?

Yes, dad.

All right, then.

Hm.

Come along, Miss Devonshire.

I want you to get down
on all fours for me.

Oh, I've been
dreaming of this moment.

Yes, I want you to help me
get something off a high shelf.

Oh, Heidi, if only
you were a real girl,

not a graphically
enhanced computer image

with high resolution.

Now remember,
Councilwoman Capri

will be here at any moment now,
and you know what that means.

Time to brown nose again?

No, it's time for you to
be on your best behavior.

I didn't vote for her, so
does that apply to me, as well?

I am asking for additional
funding for the station,

so just behave yourself.

Oh, quick, here
she-- here she comes.

Good day, councilwoman.

I'm up here.

Well, how was your drive
over here, Councilwoman Capri?

It was fine, until I
pulled into your parking lot,

and there was someone
in my designated space.

Oh, but that's impossible.

You know, I personally roped
off an entire area for you,

put a nice little red carpet
out there and everything.

Oops, was that for her?

It's my birthday
this week, and I

thought you put it out for me.

Sorry.

Um, did you get those
lovely roses that I sent you?

Roses?

No, I never received any roses.

Dr. [INAUDIBLE],,
Dr. [INAUDIBLE],,

what happened to those flowers
I asked you to deliver?

Hey, I had a date
last night, so uh--

I figured why waste
them on someone

I didn't know when I
could get lucky with them?

I was right.

Tracy, don't you have
something nice you'd like

to say to the councilwoman?

Well, at least
I voted for you.

That is enough out
of all of you people.

I can see now why this
one police station

has never received any funding.

Let's just get down to business.

I would like to know if there is
any sexual harassment going on

around here.

You girls can tell
me, sister to sister.

Does the fact that my husband
refuses uses to consummate

our marriage count?

Miss Devonshire,
must you always

use the "M" word in public?

[INAUDIBLE] with the
restraining devices?

Devonshire!

Well, how about you two girls.

Any problems?

Can you explain
that to me a little?

Well, you know, you're
trying to get your job done,

and a male co-worker comments on
how nice you look in your short

skirt, and then you catch
one peering down your blouse,

trying to get a cheap thrill,
or trying to cop a feel when

you're working on a deadline.

Does anything like that
go on around here, hm?

Oh, like I wish.

That just sounds like
a dream job to me.

Let's just get this
meeting over with as quickly

as possible, OK?

I have decided that the
way your girls dress

is completely
inappropriate for the job.

You can barely tell them from
the hookers they arrest daily.

I'll have you know that this
outfit is a designer original,

and only a really skilled
hooker could afford one.

Good one.

Keep your opinions
to yourselves.

I think it's a fine idea.

Thank you.

But Councilwoman Capri,
there's a perfectly good reason

our girls dress like that.

Why, they make their living
enticing unsuspecting males

into quick arrests.

See, they have to
look like they're

readily available to anyone
who's remotely interested.

Telling you how close
to the truth that is.

[INAUDIBLE] Miss Devonshire.

Nothing.

Now, if you just
go on back stage,

you'll find the two new
uniforms waiting for you.

I use Devonshire
here as a role model.

You used me?

I'm so honored.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

Yeah, at least when I wear
something retro I make sure

it's in style first.

Just go backstage
and get changed.

Miss Devonshire, how would
you like to help a fellow woman

in uniform find her seat?

Oh, gladly.

By the way, would
you happen to know

any convicted sex offenders who
might be looking for a place

to work?

[INAUDIBLE]

Where's Irwin?

He's late again.

No wonder why the
alarm didn't go off.

It's unplugged.

Ready to play a game?

[LAUGHING]

[CHEERING]

Now, if everyone will
please have a seat,

the meeting will now begin.

[LAUGHING]

All right, ladies,
time for the shower.

Last one in gets
a cavity [INAUDIBLE]

So, is there a new uniform?

These must be them right here.

This isn't at all
what I expected.

Yeah, I thought we
were going to have

to wear cheap and
tasteless outfits,

not nice ones like these.

Quiet in back, please.

I would like to welcome
a Councilwoman Capri.

It isn't often that we get
a chance to see her here,

in fact, once every four years,
when she's up for re-election.

Thank you, thank you.

And remember, the polls
are open this Thursday.

Be sure to show up.

Lovely, lovely.

Oh, and yes, and
any girls who have

any sexual harassment
problems, be

sure to talk to me later today.

I am a sexpert on the subject.

If the city Councilwoman
will please have a seat,

I can continue the meeting.

Thank you.

Now, it's my pleasure
to unveil for you

now the brand new vice
academy uniforms, carefully

selected by Miss Capri.

That's right, for
our employees here.

Now, let's take a
look at what an older

woman's taste can bring
to our youthful employees.

I can't promise you anything,
but I know a divorce attorney

who can turn your
sexless marriage

to a financial windfall for you.

If you want to take your
husband for everything he's got,

let know.

I've got a number.

Well, I was thinking of
something more in terms

of a marriage counselor.

Huh, well, whatever
floats your boat.

I present for you now the
future of the Vice Academy.

[GASPS]

Yeah, all right!

All right!

Hey, show some skin!

You shut up!

What-- what is this,
some kind of sick joke?

You two have straddled the
line of good taste before,

but this really takes the cake.

Well, then whose are these?

Look, there they are!

You thieves stole our clothes?

These are yours?

Oh, now I'm really embarrassed.

I thought these
looked familiar.

That's mine, you piece of--

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I'm sure they'll be
happy to return them

if everyone will remain calm.

Come on, more hair flipping!

Do things like this
happen here every day?

Unfortunately, they do.

[GRUNTS]

[INAUDIBLE], you two.

Let's go.

Where are the clothes
you wanted us to try on?

Could anything
worse happen now?

Miss Devonshire,
you know very well

that every time you say that,
something worse does happen.

Dad, you're not
going to believe this.

Irwin, when you better
have a darn good reason

for being late.

I do.

Look!

Who's ready for cyber sex?

I told you not to
unplug the computer.

Look what happened!

Dr. [INAUDIBLE],,
Arrest that woman!

Oh, oh!

[LAUGHING]

Looks like she got away.

I can see that.

She's good.

Just a little too quick.

Oh, you people are pathetic.

Oh god, I have asked very little
of you people in the past,

but I'm asking
you something now.

Will you please catch
that crazy woman?

And I mean it, sister to sister.

What does she mean by that?

She keeps saying it.

Well now, is there anything
else you have to add, Irwin?

Well, actually there's a limo
outside with the bumper sticker

"Re-elect Councilwoman Capri."

It got broken into.

There's glass everywhere.

You know, whoever owns it
really should have parked

it much closer to the building.

This is the worst police
station I've ever been to.

I'd like to think
my clothing is sacred.

Now I don't know
where it's been.

Hey, I think you've
got my underwear on.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, watch it!

Cookie, Treat, I've been
looking for you all day.

Uh, we got in a little
trouble, Bojangles.

What, somebody stiffed
you for your money?

No, I can take care of that.

I just cut them up
when that happens.

Yeah, we got arrested and
some girl stoled our clothes.

But we got them back.

Arrested?

Doesn't sound like you
had time to do business.

My rent's due today.

We'll get it for you.

Yeah.

Can we have some
money for lunch first?

We haven't eaten
since yesterday.

Get to work!

Man, [INAUDIBLE] but
someone has got to be kidding.

Wait a second, was
it worth five bucks?

She's good, just
a bit too quick.

Bojangles [INAUDIBLE]

That woman has become a major
threat to our very existence.

She must be stopped.

I agree that cyber slut
is the biggest nuisance yet.

Oh, yes, of course.

Her, too.

But I was talking about
that feminazi councilwoman.

Well, let's deal with
them one at a time.

Very well.

We'll break up into teams.

Do you know what's going on
in your parking lot right now?

No, and I don't
want to know, either.

Haven't we heard enough
from you two today?

Yeah, well some cheap hooker
is giving it away for $5.

How are we supposed to
earn an honest living?

That's her.

I programmed Heidi to charge $5.

Oh, great.

Anything else you
programmed her to do?

Not to wear underwear.

Well, we better catch
her before she gets away.

Yeah, catch her so we
can get back to work.

Dr. [INAUDIBLE],, get these
two cheap sluts out of here.

You've got it.

Not us, you idiot.

Those two.

Sorry, honest mistake.

Let go, let go!

Hey, watch the dress!

Yeah, kick him
where it counts!

She's good, man,
just a little too fast.

Hurry, hurry, right this way!

There she is!

What do you want?

Get back in your CD-ROM.

Sorry, guys, game over.

Hey, are you
going to be holding

up this line for much longer?

Will you please go away
before I have you all arrested?

All right, girls, you've had
a filth worse than this before.

Take her down!

You asked for it.

What the-- you
let her get away!

Well, honestly,
Miss Devonshire,

we're used to getting
hookers, not Tasmanian devils!

Irwin, I've been
looking for you.

Oh, you have?

It's shoeshine day.

You want me to look
my best, don't you?

Well, actually, I've got
a lot on my mind right now.

Maybe you didn't
hear me the first time.

I have a date tonight, and
I don't have time to get

my uniform fixed for tomorrow.

I expect to find it done
and in my locker first thing

in the morning.

Whatever you say.

Don't have enough to do.

Ah!

What are you doing here?

You wanted me, so here
I am, all programmed

to do whatever you want.

I thought I'd
never see you again.

This must be a dream.

Pinch me.

Ow, I said pinch
me, not punch me.

I know every little detail
of what pushes your buttons.

Now, let me show
you how good I am.

Oh, where is the
camera when you need one?

I aim to please.

You really do
think of everything.

Take as many as you like.

Ready to play a game?

Oh, am I ever.

Let's play strip poker.

I'll make the rules.

No.

Let's see what I can download.

Here.

How's this one?

I'll go first.

That isn't what I expected.

I thought you were
an adult game.

I am.

But you never
reached that level.

You didn't know who
the fifth Beatle was.

Next time, I'll
pay more attention

in ancient history class.

We could try another one.

I don't want to play
anymore computer games.

OK.

How would you like to go to one
these exotic locales where they

photograph partially nude
women for those magazines

you keep hidden under the bed?

Oh, would I ever.

Any better?

Am I ever.

What buttons do I push to
make your clothes disappear?

You can push all my buttons.

COMMISSIONER: Irwin.

Irwin.

Huh?

Huh?

Spend some time on Earth, son.

Are you through with
this ironing board?

Oh.

No, I haven't even started yet.

Well, Ms. Devonshire
just got home,

and she's got lots
of work to do.

There you are.

Maybe it was a dream.

Ah!

Don't do that.

You scared me.

Sorry.

Look, I have a better idea.

Can we go out somewhere
where I'll be seen with you?

Others will be jealous, and
you can take down my enemies.

Irwin, let's watch
the plagiarism here.

I'm not a real girl.

You're close enough.

No, you want a girl that
can give you love bites.

All I can give
you are megabytes.

Want to talk about RAM?

I get the idea.

Boy, this CD ROM
sure was a rip-off.

Oh, Irwin, just because
I can't be your girlfriend

doesn't mean I can't
help you find one.

There must be someone
you have your eye on.

Not really.

Let's try a
computer chat line.

I'm sure there's
someone eligible

for you on the internet.

I've never had much
luck with these before.

Look, someone's online.

Talk to them.

Come over here quick!

Someone's saying hello to us!

Hurry, before they get away!

Hi there.

We're calling from prison.

Quick, hang up.

Don't you want to give
them your phone number?

Oh, no, no.

Just forget it.

Well, there must be someone
from work you have your eye on.

Let me pull the file.

Oh.

I don't know.

She's too sweet and
innocent, kind of

like having sex with Bambi.

Are you kidding?

Do you know what
she was arrested

for once before she was a cop?

No, tell me.

Sorry.

It's privileged information,
but don't give up yet.

Here, let me pull
up another one.

Traci?

Oh, now we're
talking, but she won't

even give me the time of day.

She will with my help.

Let me look at her file.

Thrown out of prep
school for posing

nude with the school's mascot.

Fired from three jobs
for bad attitude.

Voted most likely to
date a married politician

and then sell her
story to the tabloids.

Boy, you really
picked a winner here.

Do you really think
you can help me get her?

If that's the classless
gold digging tramp you want,

then you got her.

All right!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Are you sure this
is going to work?

It's fool-proof.

This will only cement
your relationship.

Now show me where
the locker room is.

Hey, Candy, you got a minute?

Like, I'm busy.

Do you mind if I ignore
you some other time?

I just need a spot here.

Can you give me a hand?

Yeah, sure.

You do know what a spot is?

I mean, working out
is a man's sport.

Just [INAUDIBLE] so I
can get back to my reading.

I've been working
out for years.

Using your muscles
really makes [INAUDIBLE]..

Your jaw muscle
must be getting huge

from the workout it's getting.

Can you give me a hand here?

That was some workout.

Next time, try putting
some weight on the bar.

So Candy, have you ever
done it with Petrolino?

Are you kidding?

He's a sexist pig.

That's what I like in a man.

You know, after all those years
of dating prep school boys,

I want a man who can bring
the gutter into my bedroom.

Have you ever considered
therapy for this?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, what I wouldn't
give to be 25 again.

Why so sad, Mavis?

Oh, I just got a reply
from that inmate on death row

I proposed to.

He turned me down.

I guess he'd rather take
the chair than marry me.

Well, cheer up.

There'll be others.

I know.

But this one was a catch.

It's all right.

We'll just live together
for the rest of our lives

and keep telling
everyone we're sisters.

I should have
known something was

wrong when he requested the
swimsuit edition of "Boy's

Life."

Ms. Devonshire, you're the
only married one between us.

Tell us what it's like getting
it on a semi-regular basis.

How would I know?

My husband rolls over and falls
asleep before the lights even

go off.

You're pulling our leg.

All those nights I've longed
to stare at the ceiling,

imagining I'm with someone else.

They've gone unfulfilled.

I can't believe that.

It's true.

My nights are so empty.

I should start coming to
canasta with you two again.

Oh, we've been
doing that months ago.

Now we go to male strip joints.

Too bad you're married,
or we'd bring you along.

Let's go cash our
paycheck in singles again.

You've got it!

Listen to this, "10 Most
Popular Sexual Positions."

Think you can guess them all?

I bet I've done them all.

Well, except maybe
that last one.

Hey, is upside down on the list?

Not here.

What about the
back seat of a car?

Ms. Devonshire!

Honestly, can't I
even live vicariously?

Hey, you all set?

Just watch them find it.

Look what someone
stuck in my locker--

a book on Mapplethorpe, 200
pages of male sex organs.

Would you call this art?

Considering it's only
one I've seen recently,

I'd call it a masterpiece.

Ms. Devonshire!

Well, it's the truth.

[SNICKERING]

Look what someone
left in my locker.

"Wanted, girl willing
to ruin her looks

for a punk rock video.

Get ready to be
pierced, tattooed, have

your head shaved, and your"--

well, I can't make
out that word--

"dyed green.

Possible deferred pay."

You did this, didn't you?

Candy, even though I'm
laughing at your expense,

it does not mean that I did it.

You have to admit, it
is pretty funny, though.

She's right.

I mean, what's wrong with
a harmless practical joke?

I mean, if you can't laugh
at yourself, who can?

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh.

Excuse me.

Hello?

WOMAN (ON PHONE): Yes, I was
just there with my husband.

Could you page him for me?

My name is Lois,
last name, Standards.

Hold on.

I'm looking for the man
with Lois Standards.

Could somebody
please help me find

the man with Lois Standards?

[LAUGHTER]

All right, who is this?

How dare you play a cruel
and uncalled for joke

at my expense?

[GIGGLING]

Hello?

Hello?

Oh.

What if an important
police call were coming in?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

I don't care who's burglarizing
your house right now.

I'm busy.

Somebody's going
to pay for this!

What's the matter,
Ms. Devonshire?

I mean, if you can't laugh
at yourself, then who can?

Shut up, Candy!

Who is making a
mockery of our employees?

It was me!

It was me!

I confess.

Boy, I really had
you guys going.

You did this?

I hope you have a good
explanation, young man.

Well, I was trying
to impress Traci.

And I figured what better
way than by showing her

I can be both immature and
cruel at the same time?

So now will you go out with me?

Irwin, while I will
admit that finding humor

at others' expense
is amusing, it's

hardly enough to earn a date.

Next time, get me a gold card.

You mean, I did
all this for nothing?

Not for nothing, young man.

You and I are going to
have a long conversation

about you humiliating others
for your own entertainment.

Now come with me.

But Dad!

And I've got a lesson for you
for questioning my sexuality.

Uh, if you don't want
that anymore, I'd be

glad to take it off your hands.

Be my guest.

ALL: No.

Yes.

No.

No.

Yes.

And that time when you
were five years old-- flushed

an entire roll of toilet paper.

Now, son, that
wasn't funny, was it?

And don't forget the infamous
cherry bomb incident.

Nor the time that you put
Ex-Lax in the candy dish.

Tsk tsk tsk.

I get the idea.

I won't do it again.

Good boy.

Now run along.

Hi there.

Shut up.

Where's my uniform?

I forgot.

You know, I didn't
have a chance to do it.

Well, you still
seemed to have plenty

of time left for your pranks.

[INAUDIBLE] Why don't
you shine my shoes

right now using your tongue?

You know, if you're
worried about people

questioning your
sexuality, don't

you think that's a bad idea?

Dude, I'll beat the
living crap out of you.

Now, I want you to
listen to me carefully.

Who the hell is this?

Shut up and don't turn around!

From now on, I want you
to leave Irwin alone.

Because when you mess with
him, you mess with me.

And take my word for it.

You don't want to get me angry.

Give me back my gun.

I'm not finished yet!

No more getting him to
do your chores for you.

If I ever catch you
bothering him again,

I'm going to shoot off
that part of your body

you get the most pleasure from.

[INAUDIBLE] you don't mean it.

That's right, the finger that
you use on the remote control

to go back and forth between
the football game and adult

movie on Pay-Per-View.

Oh god, no.

I would rather be dead.

I'll leave him alone, I promise.

Good.

Let's start with a little game.

It's called Lights Out.

Why did you do that?

I'm going to be in so much
trouble when he wakes up.

Don't worry.

He won't remember a thing,
except to leave you alone.

Who's on the floor?

I don't know.

Hey.

Hey!

What happened to you?

Someone snuck up from
behind and cold cocked me.

Who would do
something like that?

Well, I can name a few people.

You come with me, and I'll
make you feel all better.

I'd like that.

Well, today is Tuesday.

Did anyone vote before
the polls closed?

No.

No.

No.

What about you, sir?

No, no.

I didn't have time either.

Well, I suppose we should
check the election returns, hm?

Hey, don't touch that!

No!

It's Drag Queen Makeover
Day on the Joan Blake Show.

[INAUDIBLE]

REPORTER (ON TV):
Today's campaign

results are finally in.

Former councilwoman Capri
lost today's election

by a mere four votes.

It's a sad day for our city.

She had promised to allocate
half a million in funds

to the local police station
if she were re-elected.

Anything you'd like to say
to the public, Ms. Capri?

Yes.

It is the fault of those damn
officers in that frickin'

Vice Academy.

And they can all kiss my ass!

REPORTER (ON TV): And here's
what she meant to say,

according to her attorney.

Oh, sir.

What you need right
now is a little TLC.

Oh, Ms. Devonshire, you
know I hate rap music.

I was talking about
my companionship.

Oh.

Oh.

Uh, no, not right now.

Well, if not now, when?

When I have less on my mind!

I think it's time for us
to seek professional therapy.

Ms. Devonshire, any
relationship that needs therapy

is not worth saving.

What's the name of
this quack anyway?

Dr. Tiffany Berkowitz.

That name sounds familiar.

So how did you hear about me?

Did you attend my seminar,
I'm OK, You Need Prozac?

No, we saw your infomercial
on late night television.

No, you mean you saw it.

I don't waste my time watching
such inanities on the tube.

I'm sensing hostility here.

Shut up.

Sit down.

Now, let's see if we
can explore this and get

to the root of your problem.

What brings you to Dr. Tiffany
Berkowitz, sex therapist?

Sex therapist?

I thought we were going
to a marriage counselor.

Let me do the talking.

My husband refuses to
consummate our marriage.

Do you always have to spit
that out, Ms. Devonshire?

Terrible.

Have you found an outlet
for your frustration?

No, mine's battery-powered.

I'm talking about
other human contact.

Men are a dime a dozen.

I ought to know.

Oh!

Oh, I see you found a
qualified professional here.

Did I say it was
your turn to speak?

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me, I'll
be just one minute.

Hello?

Oh, Ethel, it's you.

How are you?

I'm right in the middle
of a session, Ethel.

I can't talk long.

Now, Ethel, you know
I cannot divulge

that kind of information.

All right.

It's the police
chief and his wife.

Or is it his mother?

I haven't determined it yet.

Yeah.

He's having the
usual man trouble.

Ah, let me get
back to you, Ethel.

All right.

All right.

Bye bye.

That Ethel, she
is such a gossip.

Now I have an idea here.

Let's determine if your
husband won't have sex with you

or can't have sex with you.

Hey there, big boy.

Come to mama.

What are you doing?

Get away from him.

Calm down, just trying
to find a solution.

He sees enough women
like you at work.

Try something else.

All right.

OK, commissioner.

Let's hear from you.

Well, I don't, um--

I don't think that
I have a problem.

It's just that every night,
every night when we go to bed,

she turns into the--

the clown doll
from "Poltergeist."

And she just sits there with
this insane look on her face,

just waiting to make her attack.

I do not!

I've never been accused of
being an aggressive woman.

Now I'm beginning
to see the light here.

Maybe she needs to
ease off a little bit.

Let you take your time.

You know, it has been very
stressful lately at work.

It's been three
months already.

OK, new idea.

So who turns the lights off
first when you think of sex?

I've-- I've had
enough of this quackery.

Can we-- can we
just go home now?

Fine.

Fine.

But don't say I didn't try.

That'll be $150.

$150?

I was under the impression
that you therapists

used a sliding scale.

Where do you think you are?

I am a Beverly Hills
boutique therapist.

Now you can just slide
yourselves right out of here.

Well, let's get
out of here quick

before she raises her rate.

Hello, Ethel?

Have I got stories for you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's really flattering when
a guy goes to the trouble

of making dinner for me.

Yeah, well, I've always
found it the easiest way to get

a woman out of her clothes.

Oh, I love it when
you talk that way.

You don't mince
your words, do you?

I hate mixed signals.

Do you live here alone?

The only way to go.

What do you say we
skip the second entree

and go straight for dessert?

I didn't make any dessert.

Oh.

I always come prepared.

Oh, Petrolino.

Oh, baby.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Are you still here?

I'm upgrading my libido.

Oh, you are going to get
me in a lot of trouble.

My dad's looking for you.

I have some money for you.

Here's today's earnings.

You programmed me.

You deserve it.

There's over $100 here.

I was only in business for
a few minutes, but I'm fast.

Buy yourself some new clothes.

Anything else I
can help you with?

Well, do I still have
a shot at getting Traci?

It might be a little
late, but you never know.

Ready for level two?

[SHATTERING]

COMMISSIONER: Irwin,
what's going on down there?

Say, what's all the racket
down here, young man?

Uh, just playing Pong.

Ms. Devonshire, will you
come downstairs please?

What are you supposed to be?

Well, you seem to think
I'm some sort of clown

waiting to pounce on you.

Thought we'd try a
little role playing.

And you wonder why
you're not getting any.

I was hoping that
maybe you could

give Irwin here a few tips
on how to get a girlfriend.

Well, appearance
is very important.

Maybe I'm talking
to the wrong person.

What are you looking
at, young man?

Nothing.

It's just not every day I
have a clown in my bedroom.

Huh.

Me neither.

Well, come on, Ms. Devonshire.

It's getting late.

Ready to go play
The Circus is in Town?

Hm.

I'm sleeping on
the couch tonight.

My compliments to the chef.

I could say the same.

So what are you
two laughing about?

Nothing, you would
have had to been there.

So Petrolino, how about
another entree tonight?

Whoa!

Did you get dressed in the dark?

What's the matter with it?

Petrolino, you take this one.

You look fine.

Come on, rip into him.

I don't know what to say.

Do you think they have the
same outfit in my size?

You're losing your touch.

I could always count
on you to make him feel

bad for a few cheap laughs.

Try again.

My mind is blank
on this subject.

So what are we doing
for dinner tonight?

Get real.

Boy, did I misjudge you.

You do have a kind heart.

What was I thinking?

Traci, wait.

Get lost.

Give me a minute.

Don't pay any
attention to them, Irwin.

I think you look nice.

You do?

Yeah.

Hey, so do you want to maybe
go to the movies later?

I think "Bambi" is playing.

You don't say.

Oh, Fern, your idea
of dressing as a clown

didn't work either.

You're kidding.

It was foolproof.

What am I going to do?

My honeymoon's over, and
it never even started.

Your marriage is starting to
sound like a Patsy Cline song.

I'm falling to pieces.

What about this game
show, "Fit for a Queen"?

You'd be perfect.

Contestants go on
and whine about

all the misery in their lives.

The one who's the most pitiful
wins [INAUDIBLE] prizes.

Yeah.

If your life isn't
pathetic, then whose is?

You're right.

But my husband
hates it when I air

our dirty laundry in public.

Even if you could win
a toaster oven for it?

Fair enough.

It's time I turn my
lemons into lemonade.

[BUZZ]

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, everyone, and welcome
to "Fit for a Queen,"

the television show where
women embarrass themselves

for cheap and tasteless prizes.

Well, it's time to meet
our first contestant.

Welcome Thelma
Louise Devonshire,

whose name alone should be
worth a couple of prizes, huh?

Oh, thank you.

Now are you ready to
hear about my problem?

Whoa, hang on.

Where's the fire?

Let's introduce you first,
learn a little bit about you.

Tell us about your job.

Well, I work with
a bunch of morons.

I don't know which is
worse, the hookers we arrest

or the undercover cops
who impersonate them.

All I know is they make
my life a living hell.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can I say that on television?

We'd prefer that you didn't.

Well, anyway, these
girls came to my wedding,

and they broke all my gifts.

And then I still had to
write thank you notes.

But that's the worst of it!

My husband refuses to
consummate our marriage.

Gee, you wonder why.

I've even tried dressing
as a clown during sex.

Nothing seems to work.

Well, I think it's time
to meet our next contestant.

Why, my goodness, it's former
councilwoman Jean Capri!

Oh, you think her life is bad.

Well, you should
hear about mine.

I used to be on the
city council until I

went to her police station,
and her girls humiliated me.

And I lost the election.

They only humiliated
her for one afternoon.

I've had to deal
with it for 12 years.

Now Ms. Devonshire,
is it your turn?

Continue, Ms. Capri.

Thank you.

I was planning on skimming
taxpayer revenues,

so I could go on a
trip around the world

with my new boyfriend.

And then he left me for
another woman who had a job.

He's a two-bit gigolo.

My, how will you
ever afford another?

And then-- and then
my car got broke into.

And I had to drown my
sorrows in cheap liquor.

You want some?

I know what it feels
like to be an alcoholic,

because I'm a chocoholic.

Now Ms. Devonshire,
did she interrupt

when it was your turn?

Oh, no.

She was passed out.

Well, I think it's
clear who our winner is.

But let's go to the old
applause meter, shall we?

And for Ms. Devonshire
and her sexless marriage.

[FAILURE SOUND EFFECT]

Aw.

And now Ms. Jean Capri
and her fall from office.

[TRIUMPHANT FANFARE]

Yeah, we definitely
have a winner here

and a great big check for $5,000
paid out to the rehab center

of your choice.

Oh, that's good.

Now I can go dry
out [INAUDIBLE]..

And don't think
we've forgotten

about you, Ms. Devonshire.

As a consolation prize, we
have this lovely package

of [INAUDIBLE] detox patches
to help with your addiction

as well.

Well, anybody out there in TV
land you'd like to say hi to?

There sure is.

Thanks a lot, Mavis,
and you, too, Fern.

Now hurry up and
switch the channels

before the commissioner
comes in and sees me.

If he catches me on television
airing our dirty laundry,

Lord knows what he'll do.

Well, that's it for now.

We'll see you next time
on "Fit for a Queen."

What in blazes
is she up to now?

Don't be angry with her.

Yeah.

She was just trying to win some
cheap prizes behind your back.

[WHIMPERING]

She emasculates me
further every day.

[CLEARING THROAT] Out on
business, Ms. Devonshire, hm?

Well, uh, yes!

I'm afraid you're not getting
off the hook on this one.

First it was that clown suit
and now local television.

When will it stop?

We're not feeling so well.

There's some kind of virus.

I've been sick since I
had sex in your parking lot.

We ought to sue.

Do you want to see my rash?

Let's get out of here!

Ah, but we're not finished!

Whew!

I thought they'd
never leave us alone.

I think we need
to go see a doctor.

Maybe it was your edible
underwear I had last night.

Shut up, you stupid jerk.

Does everyone have to know?

So what's going on here now?

Well, it seems that everyone
that's had sex with that cyber

slut is sick now.

Irwin, when's the
last time you checked

your computer for viruses?

I don't know.

Well, maybe it's time.

So where did you
get yours, Traci?

From eating a pork product?

Oh, shut up.

Remind me to smack you
one when I feel better.

I better be getting home.

Irwin, is there--

is there something going on
that you should tell us, son?

Uh, no.

Nothing.

Do you want me to go with you?

Oh, no, I can
handle it myself.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOG BARKING]

You got me in really
big trouble this time.

I've been waiting
to say goodbye.

It's time to move on
to level three, Irwin.

I've done everything I can here.

Level three, what
are you talking about?

All these people at
the police station

have a virus after
being with you.

Boy, there's a lesson
to be learned here.

Just run a computer
disinfectant program by them,

and they'll be fine.

Now, if that's all you
wanted, I'll be seeing you.

I thought you were mine.

I bought the game.

With each day, I move
on to the next level.

Now I'm on three.

I am going to become the
Hollywood Cyber Madam.

I'm going to turn around the
prostitution of this city.

My father is not
going to like that.

Too bad.

He's right about
one thing, though.

Next time, stick to Pong.

Ow!

Ow!

Oh.

Ow.

Ugh, that one
didn't work either.

Be patient.

One of them will
make you feel better.

Ow!

Can't we do this orally?

We got to get that
bug where it's bit you.

This is the worst.

Well, it looks pretty
funny from this end.

Ugh, would you shut up?

Here, just hold this.

It'll get rid of your virus.

This is all your fault.

Oh, I won't be able
to sit down for weeks.

Hmph, well,
that'll be a first.

Well, you're not going
to like what's next.

The virtual reality
hooker's moved

on to the next game level.

She's taking over the
city's prostitution,

becoming the
Hollywood Cyber Madam.

Great.

Anything else?

Yeah, I should
have stuck to Pong.

How-- how do you know
all this, young man?

Have you been in
cahoots with her?

She has been staying
with me in the basement

for the last couple of days.

Oh, this is just great.

She's been living
under our roof.

She took off today.

I don't know where she went.

Just think-- the
city overrun with

prostitution and corruption.

You know, we may have to
take to the roof as snipers

to reinstate law and order.

Oh, no, you don't.

I got four flat tires the
last time you tried that.

We need a different plan.

Hm.

How can we get her
back into that computer

before it's too late?

You got me.

But if you have any
ideas, you let me know.

No, no, no.

I'm afraid this
is all your fault.

You are going to have to
come up with the answer.

Yeah.

Just think, if I were a
virtual reality hooker,

where would I be right now?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, two girls.

No waiting.

Step right up!

We're not getting any younger.

What do you
think you're doing?

I want you to
meet your new boss.

I don't work for no one.

Girls, get this
crazy broad away now.

[CAR HORN BEEPS]

I think you should
reconsider my offer.

I give up.

I give up.

I thought you'd see it my way.

What do you want with
my business anyway?

You seem to be suffering from
an overinflated marketplace.

You need to think more
of supply and demand.

What is she talking about?

How do we do that?

By lowering your price
to $5 per customer.

You've got to be kidding.

We're worth a little
more than that.

What you lose in quality
you will make up in quantity.

And here's a free
sign for advertising.

Get to work.

There's a mattress
in the alleyway.

HOOKER: Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Next!

Oh.

You should have
kept your socks on.

Next!

We want to turn ourselves in.

We're giving up
on lives of crime.

Well, that is very
commendable, girls.

We want to dedicate
ourselves to community service.

Yes, giving something back,
something non-communicable.

Oh, well, this is a first.

I've never seen
anything like it.

All right, suckers!

Put your hands up, and
don't try anything funny.

I should have known it
was too good to be true.

We want your wallets, all your
jewelry, and any major credit

cards you have.

I've never seen
such brazen behavior.

Shut up before we
pump some lead into you.

Do you honestly think you
can rob a police station

and get away with it?

[LAUGHS] Other stations, no.

This one, yes.

Could anything worse happen?

[INAUDIBLE] saying that.

Here, Dad.

I cashed your check.

Small unmarked bills,
just like you wanted.

Thanks, Irwin.

No, thank you.

Hey, Ms. Devonshire, here's
the 50 bucks I owe you.

Thank you.

Here's your priceless
silver set I borrowed

that's quite an heirloom.

HOOKER: We'll take that.

Hey, Ms. Devonshire, you
know that lottery ticket

you wanted me to get you?

It's a winner.

10,000 bucks can sure
buy you lots of dreams.

You can sure say that again.

Ms. Devonshire, a probate
attorney was just here.

You just inherited a mansion
in England, and it's haunted.

Was that everyone?

Candy, my gun!

It's in my purse.

Huh?

Thanks for sharing.

Now, everyone stay put.

It's time to say good bye.

Bye bye.

Well, don't just stand there!

After them!

They did have an
awfully fake gun.

Well, at least
our debt is even.

That silver set did
need to be polished.

Maybe I read the number
wrong on the lottery ticket.

Who would live in a
haunted house anyway?

I never did like that purse.

Boy, did we clean up
today over 10,000 bucks.

In five minutes?

You girls are fast.

Get real.

We robbed the police station.

A lot quicker than
5 bucks a trick.

Smart thinking.

Come on, hand it over.

Got anymore ideas?

This is just the beginning.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm afraid things have gotten
just too far out of hand.

I've decided to call on
a pair of specialists

to help us get matters back
under our control again.

Oh, sir, you took my advice
and contacted that doctor

who does penile implants.

I'm going to pretend
I didn't hear that.

Girls, I'd like you to meet
Dilbert Feeney, computer genius

and creator of the
Virtual Reality Hooker,

and Captain Hank Grisham, head
of the local SWAT team here,

in case things get ugly.

Hello.

Hi there.

Now let's keep this simple.

They're both going
to need new partners

while on duty here,
so who wants to work

with the SWAT commander?

[SQUABBLING INDISTINCTLY]

Girls, must you fight
over everything?

I guess he's mine.

Oh, very well.

Now, [CLEARS THROAT]
Captain Hank Grisham,

meet your new partner, Traci.

The honor's all mine.

You can say that again.

Yeah.

And Dilbert, meet your
new partner, Candy.

Hi.

I used to be such a
nerd in high school.

[INAUDIBLE]

You don't say.

Hey, say, Dilbert,
isn't it a rare phenomena

for a computer-generated
character to break

out into the real world?

Well, you'd think so,
but it's happened in six

or seven other movies so far.

You know, the Virtual
Reality Hooker

was my best-selling CD ROM.

It helped put me
through college and pay

for my first two houses.

You know, I'm not used
to a guy with brains.

I mean, I prefer
them dumb but cute.

But then what have I got to
offer a relationship, you know?

Yeah.

I used to think education was
important, until I discovered

the lure of making money.

Now I'm trying to break
into the Fortune 500.

Break in?

Can't you get arrested for that?

No, it's just a
listing of businesses.

Oh.

I guess my lack of savvy
really shows now, huh?

You see, that's
what I like about you.

You can look deep
inside a person

and like them for
who they really are,

not just judging
by their exterior.

Yep.

That's me, all right.

It's OK, Candy.

I'm not used to being
treated like a piece of meat.

It'll be a new
experience for me.

Well, you came
to the right place.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS] Wait.

Not upside down, I've
done that one already.

OK.

Hey.
Hey.

Not so rough with
that joy stick.

Oh, [LAUGHS] sorry.

[MOANING]

Ugh, some days,
it just doesn't

pay to get out of your futon.

Say, you wanna know
what I keep in here

for those cold lonely nights?

Would you shut up?

I'm trying to listen
to something here.

Hey, Traci, do you know
where the computer genius is?

Irwin, tell me something.

How can you tell
that this guy right

here isn't a computer whiz?

[CHUCKLES] That's easy.

He doesn't look like he has a
manual dexterity of someone who

sits behind a keyboard all day.

Us computer guys can really
work magic with our fingers.

You don't say.

He's right in there.

Don't bother knocking.

Uh, like, hi.

Sorry to interrupt.

Here's a copy of
the game you wanted.

Oh, great.

I'll see if I can find
a bug in the program.

OK, so you can go now.

Honestly, Candy, doing
it on a computer table?

I thought even
you had standards.

Oh, shut up already.

Say, didn't I see
you at last month's

science fiction convention?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was terminating fat
girls in the hotel lobby.

Oh, wait til next month.

They're showing all the
"Trek" movies in order.

And then they're discussing how
the bridge changes in each one.

Really?

I can't wait.

Irwin, can't you tell that
we have, like, some work to do?

You know, you
really should read

the warning labels on these
before you play these games.

You know, if you tamper
with them in any way,

who knows what can happen?

You know, I always keep
a portable computer game

with me on those long trips.

I play a pretty
mean game of Pong.

Anyone want to try me?

Huh?

Uh, no.

Let me guess, did
you program her to be

a good girl or a bad girl?

Bad girl.

A really bad girl.

Why do I even bother making
good girl one of the options?

Let's change her back,
see if it does any good.

Wait a minute,
something's wrong.

The access code has been denied.

[BEEPING]

You OK?

Yeah.

Someone's just pulling
my scuzzy chain.

It may take a while
to find a new one.

[SIRENS]

Honestly, whose
car alarm is that?

It's not mine.

My hummer's rigged that
if anyone goes near it

gets 5,000 volts of electricity.

Isn't that dangerous
to leave on all the time?

No, not at all.

Actually, it's quite
funny when someone tries

to wash my windows for $1.

Petrolino, is that yours?

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't look at me.

My corvette alarm
clears when you're

in love with a beautiful woman
if anyone gets too close.

Uh, no, it doesn't.

Traci and I [INAUDIBLE] and
disconnected it this morning.

Oh, will someone please
turn off that infernal racket?

I'll do it!

I just hope the owner is
a handsome millionaire

who wants to make me
an indecent proposal.

Who's making that disturbance?

That'll be me!

I'm the guilty party.

What do you
think you're doing?

You're going to help me
get money in my pocket.

You already got my silver
set, a mansion in England,

and a winning lottery ticket.

Isn't that enough for one day?

Shut up.

We've got a [INAUDIBLE].

Just last week,
there was a hostage

standoff at the local bank.

They called in my team.

I was in charge, of course.

Two minutes flat, bam bam bam.

It was over.

The city sure is lucky
to have you on their side.

You got that right.

I may be in court
several months, though.

[INAUDIBLE] a few
too many civilians

in the crossfire again.

Aw.

I like you, Hank, you know.

You're-- you're like the
son that I never had.

I know Oh, sorry, Irwin.

Didn't see you standing there.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh.

Yellow?

Listen up, man.

I got one of your
employees here.

And I want $5,000 in
ransom to get her back.

I'm more than an employee!

I'm the commissioner's wife!

Make that 10,000.

Ow!

Yes.

Yes.

I know right where it is.

I'll take care of her.

Somebody has kidnapped
Ms. Devonshire!

And they want $10,000
for her safe return!

Where are you going to
get that kind of money from?

Who says I'm going to pay?

Why, that's what why
we have Hank here,

the best sharpshooter around.

Why, if anyone can get her back,
you can, can't you, Hankie?

You can count on me, sir.

When an innocent child is
kidnapped from her family,

I'll be there.

When a loyal group of
wholesome employees

get a surprise visit from a
former worker, I'll be there.

When our American
embassy is taken

hostage by angry
revolutionaries, I'll be there.

Man, you make me proud
of to be an American.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yes.

I see.

Gotta go.

I just received
an urgent message.

My services are needed in
Washington immediately.

It seems someone is flying a
small aircraft a little too

close to the White House again.

Aw, too bad.

Well, that's all right.

Traci, Candy, they can
take care of it, can't you?

Girls, grab some tear gas and
a couple of assault rifles.

Sir, do you think you're
making a wise choice?

No.

It's never stopped me before.

Oh, and, uh, girls, bring her
back as soon as you can, huh?

Tomorrow's laundry day.

So Traci, have you ever held
a hostage situation before?

No, never.

Well, at least I'm
not the only one.

Hank, any last minute advice?

Always wear protection when
visiting a foreign brothel.

Excuse me, ladies.

Your husband must
really love you to cough

up the ransom money so quickly.

He said he'd pay you?

Sure did.

Now I know I'm dead.

So what are we supposed
to do with this knapsack?

I don't know.

It should be full of
things that we need.

What have we got?

Um, let's see.

We got trench foot
cream, penicillin,

leopard striped
underwear, and a copy

of the best brothels in Europe.

Where's the tear gas?

Oh, Candy, you took
Hank's bag by mistake.

Oh, he's going to be
one unhappy camper.

[INAUDIBLE] So do you remember
any of the advice he gave you?

Something about civilians
in the crossfire, and then

blah blah blah, it was over.

Dad, here's the walkie
talkies you wanted.

Now we can follow what
Candy and Traci are doing.

Good!

Good work.

Of course, you gave them
one before they left, right?

I was supposed
to give them one?

Well, at least they showed up.

OK, I see them
in the distance.

I have an idea.

Maybe he'll think the
money is in this bag.

Throw it far away from him,
so then when he walks away,

we'll make our move.

OK.

Here goes.

OK, here's the money!

Get ready to release her.

Throw it.

Good shot, huh?

You were supposed to miss him.

Oops, sorry.

God, I wish I
would've been listening

when Hank was talking.

Maybe I would have
learned something.

You people got your money.

How about letting me go?

I wasn't born yesterday.

I want to see it first.

Hand it to me.

Here you go.

Don't you trust the
police department?

Yeah, right.

Why, you--

Now we bring out both barrels.

Hey, I found a new password.

We've got her now.

What's the matter with you?

I don't know.

My mind has suddenly gone blank,
and now I'm wearing underwear.

There goes our bluff.

Get ready to open fire.

OK.

Hey, this gun is jammed.

Watch it!

[GUN SHOTS]

[SCREAMING]

Stop shooting!

I give up!

I give up.

I wouldn't have
believed it if I hadn't

seen it with my own eyes.

How could we have the top
SWAT specialist at our station

and I get you two to rescue me?

Just lucky I guess.

Let go of me, you cyber fool.

And don't forget these two.

Well, here we are.

Another job well done.

Ms. Devonshire.

It's good to have
you back again.

You really mean that?

Oh, of course I do.

It's almost time for
you to make dinner.

Would you believe she
had captured these two?

I guess my
reprogramming worked.

COMMISSIONER: Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, yes.

And now, you two
are going to have

to give back that lottery
ticket and everything else

that you have stolen.

There goes our bail.

Can I say something?

What is it?

You people are crazy.

I just want to be locked
up and taken away.

You heard the man.

We aim to please.

So are you single?

Any plans once you get released?

You're not talking
to me, are you?

I was worried
about you, Candy.

It's good to have
you back unharmed.

That's so sweet.

You do care.

Oh.

So Petrolino, were
you worried about me?

You're darn right I was.

You still need to
reconnect my car alarm.

Well, you're all
just in time to see

us send that virtual reality
hooker back to the computer.

No!

Don't send her back.

She's the closest thing to a
real girlfriend I ever had.

Oh, Irwin, be reasonable.

There's still plenty of
girls out there for you.

Oh!

Take Candy, for instance.

Oh, as if!

Well, I guess you're right.

But before you send her back,
can somebody please tell me

who the fifth Beatle was?

Hey, here's that new
program I was working on.

It has all the bugs removed
from the first version.

Just reinstall it.

It should be ready to go.

That's all?

Yep.

Well, I've got to go now.

Doing my first
college lecture today.

It only pays 10 grand,
but what the heck.

Well-- well, wait.

Maybe you need somebody to
hold your pointer for you.

That's right.

Get out of here,
you computer geek.

I used to wipe my feet on nerds
like you back in high school.

Wow, Petrolino,
I haven't heard

you talk like that for days.

Let's have dinner
tonight, on me.

Now you're talking.

All right, quit stalling.

You know what you
have to do, Irwin.

Can you just give me a minute?

I'm really going to miss you.

This was the best
week I've ever had.

I get kidnapped, and
this was your best week?

I only have one thing to say.

Stuart Sutcliffe.

Huh?

The fifth Beatle.

OK.

I'm ready.

Bye.

Very good.

Sir, when can I get my
winning lottery ticket

and estate in England back?

Well, you can't.

No, we have to hold that as
state's evidence, you know.

We can never return it to
you, the innocent victim.

In fact, I was thinking of
using it for the funding

that we never got
from the councilwoman.

What?

But that money belongs to me.

Ms. Devonshire, don't you
care at all about the future

of the Vice Academy?

Yes.

I'd like to see
it go on forever.

Good.

Good.

That's what I hoped you'd say.

Dad, don't!

Remember what
happened last time?

Oh, good one.

What's going to happen, huh?

I'm going to suddenly turn
into the virtual reality pimp?

I'm smoking.

Oh, somebody stop him.

What the--

I better call Dilbert
and get another disc.

Oh!

What's shaking, mama?

How 'bout a little
motion with the ocean?

Irwin, put that phone down.

This is the best thing
that's ever happened.

You better get
a move on, woman!

The night is young and it's
time to get done, [INAUDIBLE]

You don't have
to tell me twice.

Well, let's see what
computer game she left me.

WOMAN: Ready to play Global
Thermonuclear Warfare?

Cool.

MAN: Irwin!

[MUSIC PLAYING]