Vice Academy 4 (1995) Movie Script

[MUSIC - MARKY DESADE, "PISTOL

WHIPPED"]

(SINGING) Got a

pistol in my pocket.

Now baby, you should knock it.

Put your finger on the trigger,

feel it getting bigger.

Move in a little

closer, let me stick

it in your holster [INAUDIBLE].

She's my bullet.

Got a pistol in my pocket.

And baby, you can knock it.

It's got a 12 inch

[INAUDIBLE] and you

can make it [INAUDIBLE].

Blow me away, just

[INAUDIBLE] She's my bullet.

[INAUDIBLE] Levi.

You can feel my [INAUDIBLE] 45.

Got a pistol in my pocket.

And baby, you can knock it.

[INAUDIBLE] cover, but don't

[INAUDIBLE] your mother.

[INAUDIBLE] [INAUDIBLE] Well,

you better start stripping

or you're gonna get in the way.

Listen to this one.

Prison pen pal, number 22,

desperately seeking cell mate.

My last man done me wrong.

Meet me on conjugal visit

day and do me right.

[LAUGHS]

No, no, no.

This one's even better.

Incarcerated in Seattle

seeks single white inmate

for meetings on the sly.

I'll be the dustpan,

you be the broom.

[LAUGHS]

Give me that.

I didn't leave this

around for your amusement.

You mean it's yours?

Honestly, Miss

Devonshire, I knew

you are anxious to

go out on a date,

but I had no idea you

were so desperate.

Yeah.

If you're looking your

a night out on the town,

I know a great biker

bar you might like.

Shut up, you two.

I'm not looking for

a mate in this seedy,

sleazy, and degrading magazine.

I write an advice column.

You write an advice column?

Sort of boggles

the mind, doesn't it?

Oh, just leave me in

peace and let me do my work.

Dear Miss Devonshire,

now that I'm a prisoner,

I have some time on my hands.

No kidding.

I'd like to work on

my weight problem.

What can I do to rid myself

of all these unwanted pounds?

Signed, Susan Ebert.

Well, dear Sue E.

Mail call!

[CHEERING]

So.

Malathian.

Breaking out of prison, robbing

recycling centers, crashing

an Earth Day celebration.

Maybe a little voltage will

bring you back to your senses.

[ZAPPING]

Well, she got one letter.

Leave it over there.

I'm busy.

Get me down off of here.

This is unconstitutional.

Shut up.

[ZAPPING]

Ha!

Look!

The new issue of Prison

Romance came today!

Great.

I just love that advice column.

Read it to me.

Dear Miss

Devonshire, my daughter

just turned 14 and

wants to wear make up.

What should I do?

What did she say?

If I had a 14-year-old

daughter who wanted to wear

makeup, I'd beat her

unmercifully with a coat hanger

until she learned her lesson.

She really tells

it like it is.

Get to the next one.

[ZAPPING]

Oh, great.

Looks like we fried another one.

Can somebody get the

backup generator on?

Hello?

Oh my god.

You've nuked her like

a microwave dinner.

Wait a minute.

Something's not right here.

[EVIL LAUGHING]

Oh, help me!

Get her off!

Sound the alarm!

VOICEOVER: Dear

Malathian, I've never

written to a girl

behind bars before,

but there is a first

time for everything.

[CACKLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give me your clothes.

You've got to be kidding.

Oh!

[SCREAMS]

[INAUDIBLE]

Help me!

She's fucking crazy!

[SCREAMS]

Have a drink on me, honey.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

Dear Malathian, even though

I haven't heard from you yet,

I'm writing you again to

let you know how anxious I

am to meet you someday.

I'm looking for

a wholesome girl.

The kind I could

take home to Mama.

Oh!

I got your letter.

Don't be shy.

I'm just having a bad hair day.

It said in the magazine you

weren't eligible for parole

for seven more years.

I like to take things slow.

I like to take the

pedal to the medal.

[CACKLES]

Malathian's escaped again.

And I thought we'd never

have to deal with her again.

Now she's loose in our

city, doing who knows what?

That oversexed,

homicidal fiend!

Just the thought of the

damage she's capable of.

Oh my god.

Look at Candy.

She's paralyzed in fear.

I'm OK.

I'm just having my own

personal flashback.

What is this city coming to?

I mean, an innocent hooker is

beat senseless at Club Scum

just so Malathian can

get a new set of clothes.

Now, now, sir.

Calm down.

She's destroyed

my favorite bar.

I don't feel safe going

out at night anymore.

I mean, I could have been

in that club last night.

Candy, you are a cop.

If you'd been there, you

could have arrested her.

Oh, right.

You know, if somebody

went after the clothes

I was wearing, I would

put up a real fight.

Especially for my

leather mini skirt.

A leather mini skirt?

Gee, could I borrow

it some time?

[GIGGLING]

Girls, as usual, you're

missing the issue at hand.

Sorry.

Hey, I know the manager of

the shop next door to Club Scum.

I bet she could give

us some information

about what happened last night.

Well, very good, Samantha!

And to think, Miss

Devonshire, you

didn't want her on the force.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What a great car!

I got a really good deal

on it at a police auction.

It was used for

drive by shootings

so when I drive through

certain neighborhoods,

talk people duck when

they see me coming.

Oh, cool!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'll be with you in a minute.

Ow!

Hurry up with that tattoo,

you incompetent bimbo.

I'm almost finished, honey.

Just keep your shirt on.

Ow.

Hand me that mirror.

Let me take a look at it.

Here you go, sister.

Oh my god!

What have you done to

me, you full bitch?

I ordered number 30, a petite

rose on my right derriere.

Oh.

You should have spoken

up more clearly.

I thought you said

13, skull and flames.

You ignorant bitch!

You've scarred me for life!

Quick, get me to

a tattoo remover.

I have to have this

monstrosity taken off my body.

Hey, where do you

think you're going?

You owe me $50 cash

for that piece of art.

Damn it, you're not

getting a penny from me.

I should have my attorney shut

you down for your stupidity.

The only stupidity here is

yours, for thinking you're

leaving without paying me.

So cough it up now.

I wanted a rose, not

your mother's face.

Well, maybe we

should take it out back

to the complaint department.

Maybe we could

work something out.

I'd like that.

Hey, there.

I'll cut it off.

Another satisfied customer.

So, Samantha.

Long time, no see.

What can I do for you?

Listen, were you open

last night when that riot

was going on next door?

- Yeah.

I heard the whole thing.

If I wasn't in the

middle of work,

I would have gone over

there and joined the fun.

Sounds of bottles crashing

is music to my ears.

You know, I feel the

same way when I hear

a construction worker's drill.

Did you see a girl with green

hair leave here last night?

Yeah.

She was real cool.

Um, well, do you

know where she went?

No.

I think she was on foot.

Couldn't get too far in

this neighborhood, though.

I think she was having

trouble starting her car.

Heard an engine

revving all night.

Well, thanks for the help.

No sweat.

Hey, you want to take advantage

of my two for one sale?

Got a special on roses.

Um, no thanks.

Now you're gonna get it!

Hey, come on!

Let go!

[INAUDIBLE] you skank!

[CHOKING]

Well, Malathian must

be in the vicinity.

I mean, what are we going to do?

Go door to door

until we find her?

Gee, I never thought

I'd have to work so hard.

[DRILLING]

- So.

What do you do for

fun around here?

Fun?

You heard me.

Well, I fix cars all

day and I read magazines

about women on motorcycles.

And I collect furniture that

belonged to people who died.

And--

Enough.

I get the picture.

I have a question for you.

What's that?

What

Were you in prison for?

Well, it all

started when someone

said to me, let me

get a closer look

at that winning lottery ticket.

Oh.

I see.

Well, so, this is

all you've got, huh?

Well, not everything.

Um, my parents left

me with a trust fund.

Mm!

I like it better already.

How much?

I get $15 a month for

the rest of my life.

Great.

I can really pick em.

So I got an idea.

Why don't we go out tonight?

Well, we can't.

None of these cars run.

Well, this is

getting better already.

I'll see you in a few hours.

Well, where are you going?

I have a score to settle.

But don't worry.

I'll be back.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Remember me?

Malathian.

We've been looking for you!

I thought a Wanted

poster was the only place

I'd ever see your face again.

- Shut up, you fool.

Did you really think

that a prison cell

could hold me for very long?

How much more

government funding

is it going to take

to rehabilitate you?

Will you ever work for

an honest paycheck?

You're really starting

to get on my nerves.

This will double

your prison sentence.

Not to mention the black mark

I've already put on your file.

Yeah?

Well, you should know

better than to park your car

without using the club!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh!

Help!

Girls!

Girls?

Miss Devonshire,

are you all right?

Yes, but you're

stepping on my hand.

Ugh.

This is the worst thing that's

happened to me since that time

I walked into the wrong

bar and got a crash course

in alternative lifestyles.

- Yeah.

Malathian's only

been out one day

and she's already

assaulted one of our men.

We're going to be the

laughingstock of the city

if we don't catch her, and fast.

But we ran out of leads.

No we haven't.

Tonight, Miss Devonshire and

I are going to go undercover.

We're going to infiltrate

the soft, seamy

underbelly of the city until

we find her whereabouts.

Or else.

Commissioner!

You and me?

Undercover?

Together?

I never knew you cared.

More than you know,

Miss Devonshire.

Are you sure

that's a wise choice?

I mean, Miss Devonshire isn't

the youngest one on the force

and she can't be too

quick on her feet.

Yeah, and going

undercover as low life

comes much more

naturally to some of us.

Yeah.

You two mind

your own business.

So, commissioner, what did

you have in mind for tonight?

Disguises, Miss Devonshire.

Disguises so perfect, we

will fit in with the lowlifes

of this city.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, sir.

I haven't worn an

outfit like this since

my first undercover assignment.

Oh, I remember it well.

I was a model for a deck

of naughty playing cards.

Oh, if only those other officers

had made the arrest in time.

[SIGHS]

I'll never forget the day the

local grocer said to me, hey!

You're the girl on

the three of hearts!

Miss Devonshire, be quiet!

Don't look now.

I'm afraid they've spotted us!

Quick, look inconspicuous.

Sir, I had no idea

you felt that way.

It's all in the line

of duty, Miss Devonshire.

I trust that my boldness

didn't offend you.

Not at all.

By the way, may I have my

chewing gum back, please?

Oh.

Oh, commissioner.

What's this I feel?

That?

Well, that's just a thermos

of hot coffee I brought along.

Oh.

I'd like you to know I

really enjoy the quality

time we spend together.

Thank you, Miss Devonshire.

Now, if you don't

mind, would you please

stop fondling my flashlight?

Oh.

Sorry.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CANDY (ON WALKIE TALKIE):

Come in, Samantha.

Come in!

What, Candy?

What?

CANDY (ON WALKIE

TALKIE): I wanted to see

if you had any luck so far.

No, and I won't as long

as I'm talking to you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, there.

Uh, hello.

Do you have any time to spend?

Sure.

Do you have any

money to spend?

- Let me see.

- Come on.

These tricks aren't for kids.

I've got $5.

$5?

You couldn't get

in my purse for $5.

I've got another--

another $3.

Listen.

I think I'm a little

out of your league.

But why don't you

make me a little offer

and we can work something out?

Well, I've got another $40.

But I'm saving that for the

new Space Invaders video game.

Look, man.

You're really

getting on my nerves.

I mean, what would

you rather do?

Go around the universe

or go around the world?

Can you give you a

minute to think about that?

Forget it.

You know what?

You couldn't handle the ride.

- Wait a minute.

Don't go.

I mean, I thought

I could afford you.

You look so cheap.

What did you say, you nerd?

Nothing.

You know, you should be

glad that I've got scruples,

or I'd belt you one.

Except it's a parole violation.

I'm telling you, he was

this close to proposing to me.

You're sure you're not

jumping to conclusions?

I'm positive.

First, we exchanged chewing gum.

And then, oh, he

kept pretending this

was part of the assignment.

He kept snapping my bra straps.

Oh, well that got

me all goose pimply.

That sounds serious.

Then what's stopping

him from proposing to you?

I don't know.

I think maybe he's just

a little tongue tied.

You write that advice column.

What would you tell

a reader to do?

I'd tell them to

make the first move,

even if you make a fool of

yourself in the process.

Then go for it!

Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

Commissioner,

will you marry me?

You heard me, yes or no?

Well, Miss Devonshire, will

you promise to cook my food

and darn my socks and

take out the garbage

and do all the other

wifely you duties,

just like a third

world bride who'd

do anything, no matter how

degrading, for its citizenship?

Just as I've been doing in

my dreams for all these years.

Hmm.

Well, then yes, Miss Devonshire.

I'll marry you.

Could you please

get off my lap now?

My hat, Miss Devonshire.

Oh, sorry.

We're engaged.

Can you believe it?

Congratulations,

Miss Devonshire.

Thank you, Candy.

After all these years.

It's about time, too.

She's not getting any

younger, you know.

Thank you for that

vote of confidence.

So, when's the big day?

Oh, we hadn't

thought about it yet.

Well, now, now, I have

the perfect place for it.

The police firing range.

The firing range?

What kind of place is

that for a wedding?

I'm not getting married

where the officers

have target practice.

Now, be reasonable.

It's free.

Why don't you let us

organize the wedding for you?

Yeah, let us do it.

Now, I think the

local park would

be a much better location.

But I like the firing range.

What if somebody

takes a shot at us?

Well, they won't if

we have it at the park.

I was talking about the park.

That's in a bad part of town.

Let us worry about it.

Yeah, just leave

everything to us.

We could be your flower girls.

Girls, what do you know

about organizing anything?

Well, for instance, who

will be the best man?

My cousin got married

in a nudist colony.

It was easy to

pick the best man.

[GIGGLES]

That's enough.

Speaking of best men,

I have someone in mind.

My son from my first marriage.

Why, he'd be just perfect.

You were married before, and

you never mentioned it to me?

Honestly, Miss

Devonshire, I mean,

who our age wouldn't by now

at least have been married

and have a couple of kids?

I mean, I mean, who'd

save themselves this long?

Oh, I see your point.

In fact, why don't

we meet him now?

Irwin, Irwin!

Come over here.

Just a minute.

Somebody's resisting arrest.

I remember you.

You called me cheap.

- You called me a nerd.

- Now, now.

This is no way to make

first introductions.

This little weasel

tried to pick me up

last night while

I was undercover.

Oh, really?

I was under cover myself.

I thought you were

a real hooker.

Oh.

So that part about you saving

your money for a video game,

that was a joke, right?

- No.

I really am saving my

money for a video game.

Figures.

Miss Devonshire,

I have a great idea.

Why don't you let us put

on a bridal shower for you?

Well, it does sound tempting.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

It's for women only.

Oh.

Well, I have to work

late tomorrow night.

So why don't you girls go

ahead and go for it, huh?

Oh, all right.

Yes.

Yeah, have fun.

And don't break any laws!

Oh, we won't.

I may have to read up on

what drugs have been legalized,

though.

[CRICKETS]

[DOORBELL]

[RECORD SCREECHES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I know she's going to

love my friends present.

I found this great

lingerie at half off.

Which half did you buy?

[LAUGHS]

She's going to

like mine the best.

It's rechargeable.

Miss Devonshire.

Congratulations.

Oh, Blanche.

You look great!

Wife, mother, executioner.

How do you do it?

Well, I owe it all

to your advice column.

MISS DEVONSHIRE: Oh,

you really like it?

Oh, you're not just saying that?

We really love

those on the job tips.

Wait till next month's column.

101 uses for the billy club!

Ooh, I can't wait!

Come on, let's get

this party rolling!

Stupid cackling hens.

They make me sick.

Should we be here?

Just be quiet and

do what I tell you.

I have work to do.

I hope she likes my present.

- What is it?

It's a surprise.

Now, help me find some

of the old hag's outfits.

Here's some.

Ugh.

God.

They're all hideous.

This isn't going to be

as easy as I thought.

And help me with some of these.

There might be something

here that I might like.

[BUZZING]

Leave that one.

It's AC.

I'm DC.

[INAUDIBLE]

- I just love parties.

- Great.

Look at this food.

Weenie surprise, three bean

salad, and fruit punch.

Yum.

It's probably left over from

what the inmates had today.

Hey, make sure

no one's watching.

I wanna give the

punch a little boost.

Good idea.

[RECORD SKIPS]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I just love parties.

Especially after a long day

of doing cavity searches.

[GIGGLING]

Look, it's the same food

we served in prison today.

I can't wait to have

some of that punch.

Um, maybe I'd better

make a fresh batch.

Nonsense.

Stop hogging the refreshments.

We're gonna have some fun.

Ahh, that really

wets my whistle.

Your turn, Samantha.

Open the door.

Will he be a dream--

Or a dud?

[CACKLING]

It's a dud.

You lose again!

This reeks.

They should make that

dud look like Irwin.

You know, you really

should be nice to him.

I think he likes you.

Oh, great.

Just what I need.

You tell can't me

you've never had worse.

Well, actually, I

went out with this guy

once, he used to get so

drunk that he couldn't even--

My turn.

Oh, I bet I get a dream date.

Quick.

Make an excuse so we

can get out of here.

Just be patient.

I have a little

entertainment on the way.

You do?

Tell me!

Well, I hired a male

stripper to show up.

His name is Mr. Centaur.

He's a man from the waist up

and a horse from the waist down.

I can't wait.

[DOORBELL]

He's here.

[DOORBELL]

[LAUGHTER]

[GASP]

Hi, girls.

Who the hell are you?

I hired Mr. Centaur.

I must have had my hearing

aid off when I took your order.

I thought you wanted

me, Miss Century.

The world's only

100-year-old stripper.

You senile old fool, can't

you get anything right?

As long as I'm here, you

might as well enjoy the show.

(SINGING) Let

me entertain you.

[CRASH]

Help me.

I've fallen and I can't get up.

You better get back

to the old folks' home

before they find

out you've gone.

MISS CENTURY: You've got a lot

of nerve, you young tramps.

Men used to stand in line

around the block to see my show.

I don't care what the

cavemen did to see you.

Just go home and

send us Mr. Centuar.

Honestly.

Now my panties are

moist for nothing.

Look what's hiding over there.

It's him.

Come on out, shy boy!

It's not what

you think, honest!

Come right this way.

There's an audience out back

that isn't getting any younger.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ha ha!

Another dud!

[CLEARS THROAT]

What in the world?

This is part of my gift

to you, Miss Devonshire.

What do you want him to do?

- Strip search me.

- No!

Take it off!

[RECORD SCREECHES]

- Hit it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Take it off!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Miss Devonshire, are you OK?

Oh, yes.

I think so.

Oh, but suddenly, I have such

a craving for weenie surprise!

Oh, no you don't.

- I really got to go.

- Nonsense.

Stay for one game.

- I can't.

I won't take no for an answer.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Right foot, red.

Hey, Samantha, I bet you

can't do this position!

[GRUNTS]

Candy.

Candy, this is a family game.

Your turn, big boy.

I've never played

this game before.

Come on, it's easy.

Left hand, blue.

Watch out, Samantha.

If you slip, you have

to leave the game.

Ow!

Hey!

Better luck next time!

Left foot, yellow.

You heard her.

Middle leg, G spot.

I mean, left leg, yellow.

Candy!

Candy, what?

Candy, get up.

- Party poopers.

Hey!

I want to open my presents!

Oh!

Here you go.

I can't wait!

Gift certificate, good

for one free tattoo

at Scabia's Tattoo Parlor?

That was mine.

Just what I always wanted.

Just don't get a rose.

Open mine next.

I got all the inmates to make

you something in shop class.

How appropriate.

That's not what it

was supposed to say!

Honestly.

Well, maybe this will be

something that I'll like.

[FOGHORN]

Who could have

sent such a gift?

Well, the

psychological profile

is a person who is infantile,

does things on impulse,

and has a high sex drive.

Oh, real funny, Candy!

You'd like to give

me a heart attack!

It's not mine, honest!

Look, here's a card.

Give me that.

Dear Miss Devonshire.

By the time you read

this, it will be too late.

The commissioner will be mine.

[GASPS]

Signed Malathian.

[GASPS]

Oh my god!

I can't get peace of

mind, even in my own home.

Party's over.

I'm going to put a stop to

this before it's too late.

Poor Miss Devonshire.

- Hey, where did your friend go?

- That's odd.

Why did he leave already?

I didn't even get a

chance to pay him.

Oh, the tip he

would have gotten.

Look, I think he dropped this.

Anvil's Garage?

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Heh heh!

Well, now, is this

stack of prisoners

who are ready to be released?

Or are they the ones who are too

dangerous to ever be set free?

Well, it's getting late.

Doesn't really matter.

Who's there?

Who is it?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Miss Devonshire, what

are you doing here?

I thought you went

home hours ago.

I couldn't get my mind

off you, you stud muffin.

Well, I'm flattered, I'm sure.

But it is late, and I have

all this paperwork to do.

Oh, the hell with that.

There's a more urgent

matter at hand.

Miss Devonshire,

does this have

anything to do with Malathian?

No.

It's not about me.

I mean, about her.

Do me, commissioner.

Right now, right

here on this desk.

Miss Devonshire,

what's gotten into you?

Well, nothing yet.

Hurry up.

I'm not getting any younger.

Oh, all right.

So this is what you do the

minute my back is turned?

I can't leave you alone

for a single moment?

Miss Devonshire, I thought

that this-- you were--

You.

How dare you.

Keep your hands off my man.

I was just trying to prove

to you how unfaithful he is.

Was I right.

I'm going to ring

your lousy neck.

So many men, so little time.

Got to run!

You get back here, right now!

Are you honestly going

to tell me you couldn't

tell the difference between us?

I just thought you loosened

your girdle a little bit.

Oh, you [INAUDIBLE] fool.

[LAUGHING]

What's the matter with you?

I can't believe what

I've let you talk me into.

Oh, shut up.

This is the most fun

I've had in years.

You're nothing

like I expected.

Oh, really?

And what did you expect?

Suzy Homemaker?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Miss Devonshire, be

Sharpies reasonable.

Look at the facts.

One, it was very late.

Two, I was very tired.

And three, I thought it was you.

And four, it's not like I

was trying to make the move

on some slut off the street.

I rest my case.

Well, it does sound better

when you put it that way.

Here.

I'll make it up to you.

Look at that.

Oh, it's beautiful!

Oh, I forgive you!

Oh, what a lovely gift.

I thought I was going to have

to go and get my own ring.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I wouldn't hear of it.

No, we arrested a hooker

early this morning.

She's doing 30 days.

Ah, she'll never miss it.

Miss Devonshire?

I have another question.

And it's a rather

delicate subject.

Then who better to ask it?

Well, um, what color wedding

dress were you planning on?

I realized white is

out of the question.

White is not out

of the question.

I haven't been saving myself

for all these years so I could

get married in bordello red.

I thought I was the only

one who liked that color.

OK, so a white dress.

What style?

Let's see.

Maybe a little pill box hat,

and a high waisted bodice,

and a strand of pearls.

Oh, something simple.

You know, like me.

A style from the 60s.

A style for

someone in their 60s.

That's not what I said.

Oh, never mind.

Nothing can get me down today.

The commissioner and

I have reconciled

and there's not a

cloud in the sky.

Just let me get

back to my column.

Dear Old Maid--

[LAUGHS]

Dear readers.

Now that I'm getting

hitched, it's

proof that you should have been

paying attention to all my tips

over the years.

I hope you're all as

jubilant as I am today.

Everyone except

for you, Malathian.

I hope that you are living--

Every moment in misery as

I prepare for my big day.

As I march down the aisle, may

you crawl through that sewer

of filth that you belong in.

Ugh, this is the last straw.

Maybe she's talking to

someone else with the same name.

Shut up, you lug nut.

Jubilant on my wedding day.

We'll see who's jubilant

when I'm through with her.

[BUZZER]

Oh my god.

What the hell is she doing here?

- I don't know.

Did you invite her,

because if you did--

No, I mean, I didn't.

I don't know how she found it.

Find out what she

wants, and make it fast.

And then get rid of her.

Hi.

I thought I'd find you here.

I didn't think

I'd see you again.

Silly boy.

You dropped your card the

other night when you left,

so I came by.

Oh, I dropped my card?

That was dumb of me.

Dumb like a fox.

It's nice that

you have a day job

as well as being a stripper.

I respect you for that.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

You were hoping that

I'd come by, weren't you?

I was?

You don't have to pretend.

We're all alone here, aren't we?

Alone?

Yeah, right, we're alone.

- Good.

Because I have a problem.

My engine's been revving

ever since I laid

eyes on you the other night.

I need a tune up

in the worst way.

OK, bring your car by

and I'll take a look at it.

I'm not talking about my car.

I'm the one that's overheating.

Whip out that dipstick

and make my engine purr.

What are you doing?

Come on, get out

of those clothes

before I rip them

off with my teeth.

Ow!

My hand!

I think it's broken.

I'm sorry.

I guess I should've

been more careful.

Ow!

No, it's OK.

It wasn't your fault.

I could stay and nurse

you back to health.

No, no.

You've done enough already.

I think you better go.

I'll come back when

you're feeling better.

I like a guy that has

use of both his hands.

Well, don't hurry

because I'm a slow healer.

Oh, wait.

Let me give you my phone number.

I have a wedding to go to this

Saturday, but other than that,

I'm free all weekend.

Ow.

Ow!

Damn.

Call me!

Bye!

[BUZZER]

That cheap little floozy!

Trying to latch

her hooks into you.

And you, how dare

you two time me.

I didn't do anything with her!

She's had the hots for me ever

since they caught me hiding

in that house, and it

was your idea that I go

over there in the first place.

Yeah, I know that.

What were you doing

stripping for her?

That's the only way I

could get out of there.

You'd better be

telling me the truth.

I am, honest!

She has her nerve, though!

You don't need to be jealous.

I'll never see her again.

You're damn right you'll

never see her again,

or I'll carve you a new--

Wait a minute.

On second thought, maybe

you will see her again.

She said the

wedding's on Saturday.

All we need to know

is where it is.

Why do you care?

Because if there's

one thing I can't stand,

it's a happy ending.

Well, it looks like everything

is set for our big event

this Saturday!

Listen, sir.

Do you think it's safe to

go ahead with this wedding

with Malathian still at large?

- That's right.

What if she shows up?

Well, how is she going

to find out about it?

I mean, who would be stupid

enough to let her know?

That would be pretty stupid.

[LAUGHS]

And I've been waiting my

whole life to get married.

I'm not postponing

it just because of

some insane, homicidal

woman who may hold

a number of grudges against me.

- That's right.

I mean, why jump to conclusions?

After all, Malathian doesn't

even know where it is.

Besides, I want to start

making plans for our honeymoon.

Oh, sir.

So soon?

Yes, yes, yes.

You know, I'm hearing that

Death Valley is looking

mighty good this time of year.

- Death Valley?

That wasn't one of my choices.

Yeah, it's not what it's

cracked up to be, either.

I went there last year.

I didn't see any dead bodies.

- Really?

Oh, you don't say.

I was thinking more along

the lines of something

like Niagara Falls.

Oh, but think of the

cost, Miss Devonshire.

That's out of the question.

I tell you what.

Why don't I take you to one of

those local water slides, huh?

Rafting down a water

slide with a bunch

of drunken teenagers?

That's hardly my

idea of a honeymoon.

I have a much better idea.

What about Tijuana?

There is this donkey

show I've heard about.

That's enough, all of you.

Now, commissioner, listen.

You'd better come up

with a good honeymoon,

and that's an ultimatum.

Girls, I didn't want to

say this in front of Miss

Devonshire, but you know

there is a pretty good

chance that Malathian may

just crash the ceremony

and wreak havoc.

So you are going

to postpone it, then?

No, not on your life.

This will be our best

chance to catch her.

All right?

Now, I want both of you

girls to stay on your toes

at that ceremony.

The minute Malathian makes

her move, we will nab her.

Yeah, but what if

there's crossfire?

There's going to be a

lot of people there.

So a few people get shot.

We will be grabbing

the number one criminal

at large in the process.

So, who gets hurt?

Hmm?

Now, remember.

Not one word to Miss Devonshire.

She may be inviting some of her

family members to the wedding

and she wouldn't like my plan.

Can you believe that man?

A honeymoon in Death Valley?

What sort of souvenirs am

I supposed to buy there?

Oh, that man has no

sense of romance.

Why don't you let

me give you a tip

on how to keep the romance

in your relationship?

I already know the basics.

The way to a man's heart

is through his stomach.

Well, I happen to know

a more direct route.

I spiced up my last relationship

by opening the door naked when

my boyfriend was coming over.

What happened?

Well, my boyfriend

was late, but um,

I got my mail hand-delivered for

about a year or so after that.

Thank you for that too. tip.

Now if you're finished, I

have some work to get to.

Um, well, um, actually,

there is one more thing.

I've taken the

liberty of starting

a bridal registry for you

at the local Shop and Save.

And look, somebody already

bought you a ceramic clown

salt and pepper shaker.

Ooh, I better get down

there while those irregular

pillowcases are still available.

Girls, before you start

sending out invitations,

I've made a list of my own.

But we already have a list

of who we're going to invite.

This is a list of

who not to invite.

I wasn't born yesterday.

I'm not letting you turn

my only trip down the aisle

into something so tawdry,

it looks like a movie

for late night television.

But there's nothing wrong

with the people on my list.

I mean, I didn't invite

anybody who might

take a shot at you or anything.

Just pay attention.

No one who might show

up on a motorcycle.

Oh, no one with more than four

tattoos on any one body part.

No one who has ever

appeared on an infomercial.

And no rodeo clowns.

Well, um, how about

inmates who were used

in prison medical experiments?

That one goes without saying.

You know, all of those

examples that you named

sound exactly like my type.

You wouldn't happen to have

any numbers, would you?

[SIGHS]

Looks like I have to find a

new date for this Saturday.

Miss Devonshire, this

list is really necessary.

I mean, it's going to be

hard enough getting people

to show up with a chance that--

Go on.

What were you going to say?

Um--

She was going to

say that it's going

to be hard enough to get people

to attend on such short notice.

Oh, well.

Do the best you can.

My family can hardly believe

I'm finally getting hitched.

There will be some surprised

faces at that ceremony

this weekend.

You can say that again.

This wedding is making

me so strapped for cash.

I just bought a

bridal shower gift.

Now I have to get another one.

Why don't you just get

them something for under $5.

That's what I did.

Really?

That's all you spent?

Sure.

I mean, you don't

think I'm going

to break myself for those

two dinosaurs, do you?

Look, there's a reason I got the

registry at the Shop and Save.

There isn't a thing

on that list over $5.

Anyway, it's the thought

that counts, right?

Yeah, well, I

like your sentiment.

But just remind me not to

invite you to one of my weddings

someday.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, my car!

[GRUNTING]

And I have to find a

safer place to park.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Never again.

Never, never.

What are you

babbling about now?

I'm making plans for

Devonshire's wedding.

I didn't know

you were invited.

I'm not, you peon.

That's never stopped me from

crashing a party before.

I can't wait until they

say, who doesn't want to see

these two people married?

Are you going to stand

up and interrupt them?

No.

I'm going to stand

up and shoot them.

And then we are

going to make off

with all their wedding gifts.

What do you mean, we?

You heard me.

I'll hold them back

at gunpoint while you

load up on the presents.

We could use a new

toaster oven around here.

Wait a minute.

I thought you'd been

rehabilitated before they

paroled you last week.

Rehabilitated?

Paroled?

Oh, yeah, right.

Where has my mind been?

You know, this is

one part of my brain

that I think they fried a

little too much in those prison

medical experiments.

Makes me forget just

how far I've come.

How silly of me.

That's better.

Yeah, what I

meant to say was, we

are going to go to the wedding

and wish them our very best.

Oh, OK.

Just one thing, though.

You remember that blond bimbo

that was here yesterday?

Yeah, you told me

never to see her again.

Yeah, well, don't listen

to everything I say.

Maybe you should ask her

out on a date after all.

I mean, she has just the

right pair of loose lips

to tell me everything

I want to know.

Looks like everything's set

for the wedding this Saturday.

All we have to do is

be out of the park

by 1:30, when Tiffany Berkowitz

gets married after you.

Wait a minute.

You didn't tell me the

wedding was this Saturday.

I already have plans.

That's the day of the big

science fiction convention.

Now wait a minute, young man.

If you can't make up your mind

between a once in a lifetime

event and a frivolous

little free for all--

Good.

I'm glad you don't

mind that I won't be

attending your wedding, then.

Whew.

No, no, now wait a minute.

You're going to be there

bright and early, young man,

you're going to suffer through,

just like the rest of us.

What was that?

Figuratively speaking.

But my friends are expecting

me at the convention.

We're going to be terminating

fat girls in the hotel lobby.

That's enough.

End of discussion, young man.

He isn't going to be

living with us, is he?

Miss Devonshire,

my son is in his 20s,

he has a college degree,

and a full time job.

I see.

Of course he's going

to be living with us.

It'll be good for him to have

a mother around, you know.

Perhaps you can even

convince him to move out

of the basement, eventually.

When can I start

calling you mom?

[LAUGHS]

Now look over here.

Samantha's modeling one of

the bridesmaids outfits.

(SINGING)

Nice choice.

Who helped you with it?

Well, I picked it myself.

But they're on

rental, so they have

to be returned the next day.

These are on rental?

I guess I should

have worn underwear.

Well, it looks like

everything's under control.

What did I tell you?

Come on, I have a cake to order.

Oh, did you find the bakery

that had the bride and groom

on the cake, holding guns?

You look nice, Samantha.

Gee, thanks.

I'm sorry about calling

cheap the other night.

That's OK.

I've been called worse.

Would you like to go

out with me sometime?

[LAUGHS]

I don't think

it would work out.

Our backgrounds are

just too different.

What do you mean?

Well, you come from

this nice, white bread,

middle class family.

So?

So, this is my first job.

Actually, my second job.

I used to do phone sex.

I was in prison for the

last five years of my life.

I already knew that.

I saw your crime report.

You mean you knew

all that stuff about me

and still want to

go out with me?

Yeah, sure.

I mean, you seem like a

nice person and besides,

I like women in prison movies.

Is it true what they do with

the brooms in those places?

I wouldn't know.

Well, so, do we have a date?

Well, you're an all

right kind of guy.

You know what?

I'd love to go out with you.

You would?

Really?

Sure.

I wouldn't kid about

something like that.

Now, what you want to do?

Um, how about a movie?

OK.

That sounds nice.

[THUNDER]

WOMAN (IN MOVIE): Please

don't shoot me, Gus!

Gus!

Take me with you!

Please don't kill me!

Take me with you!

[SCREAMS]

What are you doing?

Please don't kill me!

[SCREAMS]

Thanks for letting me

pick the picture, Samantha.

I hope you like it.

What's not to like about

Pinata Party Massacre?

Oh, it's a classic.

Sorority girls having

a pinata party,

sitting around in lingerie.

And then an escaped homicidal

maniac crashes the party.

And he brings a baseball

bat with nails in it!

I've seen it 18 times already.

If you've seen it before,

why do you come back?

It gets better every time.

Look, look.

Here's the part where the

girl goes up to the attic.

Now watch.

She's going to let the bats out.

[SHRIEKS]

Would you be quiet?

Hey, I paid for my ticket.

I can do whatever I want here.

Irwin, try and be quiet

so I can watch the movie.

[THUNDER]

- Look.

Here's the best part.

She thinks she's going

to be safe by locking

all the car doors in the car.

But the killer's

in the back seat!

[SCREAMS]

Look, man.

You're spoiling the movie.

Either you shut up

or I'm going home.

Sorry.

We're good.

[YAWNS]

Irwin?

Shh.

What are you doing?

Shh.

Trying to watch the movie.

That does it.

Look.

I've had some

lousy dates before,

but this one takes the cake.

Just be glad I didn't

bring my brass knuckles.

What are you looking at?

Wait, you're going to

miss the ninja cheerleaders!

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

No, Anvil's busy right now.

I'll take a message.

Oh, it's Candy.

I see.

Oh, the wedding is tomorrow

at noon in the park,

and you'd like to know if

he'd come as your date.

Yes, I'll see to it he gets it.

Who was that?

Oh, just a wedding

invitation I've been expecting.

We have any plans for

tomorrow afternoon?

I never have any plans.

Oh, I forgot.

Well anyway, get together your

fanciest duds, because this is

an event I don't want to miss.

Oh, I love weddings.

Can I tie tin cans to

the back of their car?

Shut up.

I can't wait until

they serve the wedding

cake, because I'm

going to bite the heads

off the bride and groom.

[CACKLES]

I'm exhausted.

I can't wait until those

two are finally married.

I know.

I had no idea it was

going to be so much work

organizing one of these things.

You said it.

Good evening, ladies.

What's your sign?

Mine's slippery when wet.

Really?

It looks more like

vacancy upstairs.

Come on, be nice

to me and I'll

give you the first and

third right on Collossus.

Oh, please.

I don't like kiddie rides.

Why don't you get lost?

You don't know

what you're missing.

[GRUNTING]

Just beat it!

[LAUGHTER]

Well, I guess I'd better

check my list one last time.

OK.

Are you sure the band's

going to be there?

Yeah.

I confirmed it this afternoon.

OK.

And you're sure they know how

to play the wedding march?

Well, I talked

with my friend Slash

and he said he'd never

played it before,

but he promised me he

would learn it by tomorrow.

- Slash?

- Yeah.

Wait a minute.

What kind of band did you get?

How many kinds are there?

I was kind of thinking

of the kind that

plays like, elevator music?

Listen, you wanted a

band that played for free.

You can't get too picky.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

OK.

I invited all of Miss

Devonshire's friends.

Well, two of them.

And they said that they would

have to work something out

to get the day off

of prison guard duty,

but they'll be there.

- Good.

That's good.

And Irwin said he might bring

some of his friends with him.

Oh, god.

Do not even mention

his name to me.

- What's the matter?

- Nothing.

It's just that we went on this

date and it was a disaster.

You went out with him?

That's so cute!

No.

It's not.

He's got a real problem

with wandering hands.

Really?

I kind of like that in a guy.

And I thought you were

gonna go as his date?

Oh, please.

The only kind of date he's going

to get is the inflatable kind.

What about you?

Who are you going to take?

Well, um, I asked that

male stripper from the party

the other night.

You invited him?

You're kidding me.

What's so funny about that?

Nothing.

What else do you

have on your list?

Malathian the preacher

knows what time to show up.

I guess that's everything.

You said it.

Hey, let's get another

round to celebrate.

Yeah.

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

Girls, I know you're not up

for parole until next week,

but I'm getting married,

so what the hey?

I'll release you today if you

promise to get us a nice gift.

Hm?

No, no, no, no, girls.

That's not exactly

what I had in mind.

No, no.

Stop, stop!

Stop.

Man, what else is

he talking about?

Wish I knew what

happened to my ring.

- Sir?

- Yeah.

Do I get the day

off work as well?

Did you buy us a nice present?

No.

Then you work today.

I'm so nervous.

Do I look all right?

Oh, you look fine!

And I think that dress

is back in style now.

Maybe I am worried

over nothing.

I mean, after all,

everything's been planned

out to the very last detail.

What could possibly go wrong?

[SHOUTING]

What's all that

shouting about outside?

Well, we couldn't take the

day off work without someone

to mind the shop.

[SHOUTING]

Tell Joyce [INAUDIBLE]

the tee shirt!

I didn't invite

these prisoners.

Don't worry.

You'll hardly know they're here.

Look at all these cheap gifts.

Whose idea was it to

have the bridal registry

at Shop and Save, anyway?

Never mind that.

Have you seen how many

inmates are at our wedding?

Well, just calm down.

I think we put most of

them behind bars ourselves.

I just wonder where my

son, the best man, is.

[SHOUTING]

Irwin!

Hi, dad!

What in the

blazes is going on?

Well, I told you that I

wanted to go to the science

fiction convention.

And the only way I could come

by here and to have enough time

is if I came in costume.

I hope you don't mind, I brought

a couple of my friends along.

Young man, we were going to

have a long, long discussion

when this is all over.

Now, did you bring the ring?

Well, of course.

What you think, I'm stupid?

Friend of the

bride or the groom?

Oh, can anything

else go wrong?

Where are my flower girls?

Come on, you two.

Sleep it off at home.

Did you say something?

Yeah, it's noon.

Order another drink or beat it.

Oh, I'll go for

another drink--

noon?

Noon?

Oh my god, the wedding's

already started.

- What?

- The wedding's already started.

OK, OK.

Um, well I got the

dresses in the car--

we can change on the way.

Did you broads need

a designated driver?

I think you need to

mind your own business.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh my gosh, oh my

gosh, oh my gosh!

Excuse me, I'm

Reverend Fletcher.

I'll be conducting

the ceremony today.

Oh, all right.

[INAUDIBLE]

Nice to meet you.

That's Fletcher.

Say, you look familiar.

Weren't you the girl

on the three of hearts?

No.

You must have me mistaken

for somebody else.

Well, are we ready

to get started?

We're still waiting for

someone who isn't here yet.

They better get here quickly.

Tiffany Berkowitz is getting

married in the next half hour.

And you have to be out of here.

Yes, we know.

[LOUD ELECTRIC ROCK MUSIC]

[AMP FEEDBACK]

Excuse me, but I believe

you're at the wrong place.

This is a wedding.

I know.

I'm supposed to be here.

I doubt that.

Who told you to be here?

Candy and Samantha.

Grab the wheel!

Grab the wheel, Candy!

- I got it!

I got it!

What are you doing?

Ahhh!

I can't see!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[YELLING]

[INAUDIBLE]

[YELLING]

Oh my gosh.

Grab the wheel, I can't see!

My dress!

Oh my god!

Woah!

Aren't you going to put

the gift with the others?

No.

I'm waiting for

just the right part.

What is it?

It's a surprise.

Boy, you sure like surprises.

Oh, by the way, are you friends

with the bride or the groom?

Neither.

[SHOUTING]

Grab the wheel.

I got it, I got it!

We really need to begin.

Very well, then.

[CAR HONKING]

- OK, OK, OK!

[ELECTRIC GUITAR]

[SHOUTING]

Are we ready?

Ready as I'll ever be!

Dearly beloved, we are

gathered here today to unite

this couple in holy matrimony.

Now, if there is

anyone out here who

feels this couple

should not be united,

please speak now or

forever hold your peace.

[CAR HONKS MUSICALLY]

Look out!

[SCREAMING]

What the--

No wonder you got such

a good deal on this car.

The brakes don't work.

- Girls, are you all right?

- Oh, yeah.

We're fine.

- You idiot!

You ruined my wedding!

How dare you show up

dressed like this?

But our clothes

blew out the window!

And that band you picked!

I picked the band.

What will it take

to knock some sense

into your brainless heads?

[CACKLING]

Oh, this is too much!

Malathian!

Guards!

Arrest this woman!

All right, stay back

and nobody gets hurt.

[CHEERING]

Get down!

Down!

What are you

doing with the gun?

Shut up.

I told you it was a surprise.

Stay back!

How dare you show

up to my wedding.

You weren't invited.

Well, I came to stir

up a little trouble,

but it looks like your

own girls have done

a pretty decent job themselves.

[LAUGHS]

Sometimes, I wonder whose

side they're on myself.

Gee, commissioner,

you were right.

Malathian did show up,

just like you said.

You mean you were expecting

this and you never told me?

I wasn't absolutely positive.

Thanks a lot, Candy.

Did you open your presents?

The set of mismatched

towels were mine.

Oh, hi Anvil.

It's nice that you showed up.

Why don't you meet me in me

car, naked, after the ceremony?

You, keep your

hands off my man.

Your man?

You heard me, you

gold digging tramp.

We met through Prison

Romance Magazine way

before you came into

his garage and wanted

his love nuts and dipstick.

She met that from

the pen pal column?

Boy, I'm going

to have to start

reading those personal ads

a little more carefully.

You two-timing pig!

I can't believe you'd

make the moves on me when

you already had a girlfriend.

It's not--

It's not what it

looks like, honest!

You get back with the others.

I'm not finished yet.

And I'm glad that car

hood slammed on your hand

the other night before

I was about to do

the wild thing with you.

By the way, do you

have any brothers?

I've had enough of all of you!

Preacher, I hope you know

how to say the last rites.

Listen, you people!

I'm getting married at

1:30 here and you're

already past your time limit!

Let's get a move on it!

Listen, honey, if you were

smart, you'd shut your mouth

and get out of here while

you still got the chance?

Who do you think

you're talking to?

I don't care who I'm talking

to, now get your ass out

of here before I shoot it off.

No one talks to Tiffany

Berkowitz like that!

Get her, girls!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, hope nobody

bought us any china.

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Come on, Malathian!

We've been keeping the cell

nice and clean for you!

Go to hell!

[APPLAUSE]

Well, young lady, what do you

have to say for yourself now?

It's just not fair!

I mean, how come everybody

else gets to have

a happy ending except for me?

I mean, I'm the one who

should be marching down

that aisle in a wedding dress.

Isn't there anybody

who will have me?

I'll marry you.

You will?

Yes, I will.

It won't be much at first.

Only conjugal visit

days, but it'll

be exactly what I had in mind.

A seven year engagement.

That is, if you'll have me.

Aw, you're darn

right I'll have you.

I accept.

Can she do this?

Yes, she can.

In fact, the law allows it.

Then a double

ceremony it'll be.

A double ceremony?

What did I just tell you people?

- No, no, no.

We'll make it nice

and quick, all right?

By the way, young lady,

have you ever considered

a career in vice enforcement?

You see this wedding dress?

You think I'm planning

on having a job?

Do you, Thelma

Louise Devonshire--

[GIGGLES]

Excuse me.

Would you two shut up?

Oh, sorry.

Please continue.

Do you take the

commissioner to be

your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you take

Miss Devonshire to be

your lawfully wedded wife?

- I do.

And do you, Malathian, take

Anvil to be your husband?

Do I ever.

I mean, I do.

And do you take

Malathian to be your wife?

I do.

I pronounce you

both man and wife.

You may kiss the brides.

[APPLAUSE]

All right.

Oh no!

Til death do you part is going

to come a little early for you

two.

Someone stop her!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[GUNSHOT]

I told you not to bump

into me when I'm taking aim!

Our best wedding gift yet!

Yeah, better than any of

those crummy gifts they gave us.

Well, good work, Candy.

Wait a minute!

What about my honeymoon?

Ha!

In about seven.

I'll see you on

conjugal visit day.

Maybe they'll give me time

off for good behavior.

I'll wait for you.

And I'll keep you

company while she's gone.

The hell you will!

I've broken out before

and I'll do it again.

Yeah, sure.

Boy.

If I would have only

hired a video crew to

tape this wedding.

Think of all the money we

could have won in America's

Most Hilarious Home Videos.

[ELECTRIC GUITAR]

Hey, Samantha,

would you like to go

to the science

fiction convention

with me and my friends?

Uh, no thanks, Irwin.

You're just not my type.

Now this is my kind of man.

Hey, get Slash, you get

any new tattoos lately?

Not that I could

show you out in public.

Oh, man!

Irwin, when can

I eat some food?

Let's go hotwire a

car and go for a ride.

Oh, man.

I'd like to, but it's

a parole violation.

You're no fun

anymore these days.

[APPLAUSE]

Speaking of honeymoons,

where did you decide on?

Oh, you're going to love it.

It's going to be a

working vacation.

A working vacation?

Exactly what I had in mind.

We can never rest.

Remember, vice happens.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Didn't I say I want

you people out of here?

Ah!

[MUSIC - MARKY DESADE, "PISTOL

WHIPPED"]

Vice Academy 4 (1995) - full transcript