Vice Academy 4 (1995) - full transcript

[MUSIC - MARKY DESADE, "PISTOL
WHIPPED"]

(SINGING) Got a
pistol in my pocket.

Now baby, you should knock it.

Put your finger on the trigger,
feel it getting bigger.

Move in a little
closer, let me stick

it in your holster [INAUDIBLE].

She's my bullet.

Got a pistol in my pocket.

And baby, you can knock it.

It's got a 12 inch
[INAUDIBLE] and you

can make it [INAUDIBLE].



Blow me away, just
[INAUDIBLE] She's my bullet.

[INAUDIBLE] Levi.

You can feel my [INAUDIBLE] 45.

Got a pistol in my pocket.

And baby, you can knock it.

[INAUDIBLE] cover, but don't
[INAUDIBLE] your mother.

[INAUDIBLE] [INAUDIBLE] Well,
you better start stripping

or you're gonna get in the way.

Listen to this one.

Prison pen pal, number 22,
desperately seeking cell mate.

My last man done me wrong.

Meet me on conjugal visit
day and do me right.

[LAUGHS]

No, no, no.



This one's even better.

Incarcerated in Seattle
seeks single white inmate

for meetings on the sly.

I'll be the dustpan,
you be the broom.

[LAUGHS]

Give me that.

I didn't leave this
around for your amusement.

You mean it's yours?

Honestly, Miss
Devonshire, I knew

you are anxious to
go out on a date,

but I had no idea you
were so desperate.

Yeah.

If you're looking your
a night out on the town,

I know a great biker
bar you might like.

Shut up, you two.

I'm not looking for
a mate in this seedy,

sleazy, and degrading magazine.

I write an advice column.

You write an advice column?

Sort of boggles
the mind, doesn't it?

Oh, just leave me in
peace and let me do my work.

Dear Miss Devonshire,
now that I'm a prisoner,

I have some time on my hands.

No kidding.

I'd like to work on
my weight problem.

What can I do to rid myself
of all these unwanted pounds?

Signed, Susan Ebert.

Well, dear Sue E.

Mail call!

[CHEERING]

So.

Malathian.

Breaking out of prison, robbing
recycling centers, crashing

an Earth Day celebration.

Maybe a little voltage will
bring you back to your senses.

[ZAPPING]

Well, she got one letter.

Leave it over there.

I'm busy.

Get me down off of here.

This is unconstitutional.

Shut up.

[ZAPPING]

Ha!

Look!

The new issue of Prison
Romance came today!

Great.

I just love that advice column.

Read it to me.

Dear Miss
Devonshire, my daughter

just turned 14 and
wants to wear make up.

What should I do?

What did she say?

If I had a 14-year-old
daughter who wanted to wear

makeup, I'd beat her
unmercifully with a coat hanger

until she learned her lesson.

She really tells
it like it is.

Get to the next one.

[ZAPPING]

Oh, great.

Looks like we fried another one.

Can somebody get the
backup generator on?

Hello?
Hello?

Oh my god.

You've nuked her like
a microwave dinner.

Wait a minute.

Something's not right here.

[EVIL LAUGHING]

Oh, help me!

Get her off!

Sound the alarm!

VOICEOVER: Dear
Malathian, I've never

written to a girl
behind bars before,

but there is a first
time for everything.

[CACKLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Give me your clothes.

You've got to be kidding.

Oh!

[SCREAMS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

Help me!

She's fucking crazy!

[SCREAMS]

Have a drink on me, honey.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

Dear Malathian, even though
I haven't heard from you yet,

I'm writing you again to
let you know how anxious I

am to meet you someday.

I'm looking for
a wholesome girl.

The kind I could
take home to Mama.

Oh!

I got your letter.

Don't be shy.

I'm just having a bad hair day.

It said in the magazine you
weren't eligible for parole

for seven more years.

I like to take things slow.

I like to take the
pedal to the medal.

[CACKLES]

Malathian's escaped again.

And I thought we'd never
have to deal with her again.

Now she's loose in our
city, doing who knows what?

That oversexed,
homicidal fiend!

Just the thought of the
damage she's capable of.

Oh my god.
Look at Candy.

She's paralyzed in fear.

I'm OK.

I'm just having my own
personal flashback.

What is this city coming to?

I mean, an innocent hooker is
beat senseless at Club Scum

just so Malathian can
get a new set of clothes.

Now, now, sir.

Calm down.

Calm down.

She's destroyed
my favorite bar.

I don't feel safe going
out at night anymore.

I mean, I could have been
in that club last night.

Candy, you are a cop.

If you'd been there, you
could have arrested her.

Oh, right.

You know, if somebody
went after the clothes

I was wearing, I would
put up a real fight.

Especially for my
leather mini skirt.

A leather mini skirt?

Gee, could I borrow
it some time?

[GIGGLING]

Girls, as usual, you're
missing the issue at hand.

Sorry.

Hey, I know the manager of
the shop next door to Club Scum.

I bet she could give
us some information

about what happened last night.

Well, very good, Samantha!

And to think, Miss
Devonshire, you

didn't want her on the force.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What a great car!

I got a really good deal
on it at a police auction.

It was used for
drive by shootings

so when I drive through
certain neighborhoods,

talk people duck when
they see me coming.

Oh, cool!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'll be with you in a minute.

Ow!

Hurry up with that tattoo,
you incompetent bimbo.

I'm almost finished, honey.

Just keep your shirt on.

Ow.

Hand me that mirror.

Let me take a look at it.

Here you go, sister.

Oh my god!

What have you done to
me, you full bitch?

I ordered number 30, a petite
rose on my right derriere.

Oh.

You should have spoken
up more clearly.

I thought you said
13, skull and flames.

You ignorant bitch!

You've scarred me for life!

Quick, get me to
a tattoo remover.

I have to have this
monstrosity taken off my body.

Hey, where do you
think you're going?

You owe me $50 cash
for that piece of art.

Damn it, you're not
getting a penny from me.

I should have my attorney shut
you down for your stupidity.

The only stupidity here is
yours, for thinking you're

leaving without paying me.

So cough it up now.

I wanted a rose, not
your mother's face.

Well, maybe we
should take it out back

to the complaint department.

Maybe we could
work something out.

I'd like that.

Hey, there.

I'll cut it off.

Another satisfied customer.

So, Samantha.

Long time, no see.

What can I do for you?

Listen, were you open
last night when that riot

was going on next door?
- Yeah.

I heard the whole thing.

If I wasn't in the
middle of work,

I would have gone over
there and joined the fun.

Sounds of bottles crashing
is music to my ears.

You know, I feel the
same way when I hear

a construction worker's drill.

Did you see a girl with green
hair leave here last night?

Yeah.
She was real cool.

Um, well, do you
know where she went?

No.
I think she was on foot.

Couldn't get too far in
this neighborhood, though.

I think she was having
trouble starting her car.

Heard an engine
revving all night.

Well, thanks for the help.

No sweat.

Hey, you want to take advantage
of my two for one sale?

Got a special on roses.

Um, no thanks.

Now you're gonna get it!

Hey, come on!

Let go!

[INAUDIBLE] you skank!

[CHOKING]

Well, Malathian must
be in the vicinity.

I mean, what are we going to do?

Go door to door
until we find her?

Gee, I never thought
I'd have to work so hard.

[DRILLING]
- So.

What do you do for
fun around here?

Fun?

You heard me.

Well, I fix cars all
day and I read magazines

about women on motorcycles.

And I collect furniture that
belonged to people who died.

And--

Enough.

I get the picture.

I have a question for you.

What's that?
What

Were you in prison for?

Well, it all
started when someone

said to me, let me
get a closer look

at that winning lottery ticket.

Oh.

I see.

Well, so, this is
all you've got, huh?

Well, not everything.

Um, my parents left
me with a trust fund.

Mm!

I like it better already.

How much?

I get $15 a month for
the rest of my life.

Great.

I can really pick em.

So I got an idea.

Why don't we go out tonight?

Well, we can't.

None of these cars run.

Well, this is
getting better already.

I'll see you in a few hours.

Well, where are you going?

I have a score to settle.

But don't worry.

I'll be back.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Remember me?

Malathian.

We've been looking for you!

I thought a Wanted
poster was the only place

I'd ever see your face again.
- Shut up, you fool.

Did you really think
that a prison cell

could hold me for very long?

How much more
government funding

is it going to take
to rehabilitate you?

Will you ever work for
an honest paycheck?

You're really starting
to get on my nerves.

This will double
your prison sentence.

Not to mention the black mark
I've already put on your file.

Yeah?

Well, you should know
better than to park your car

without using the club!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh!

Help!

Girls!
Girls?

Miss Devonshire,
are you all right?

Yes, but you're
stepping on my hand.

Ugh.

This is the worst thing that's
happened to me since that time

I walked into the wrong
bar and got a crash course

in alternative lifestyles.
- Yeah.

Malathian's only
been out one day

and she's already
assaulted one of our men.

We're going to be the
laughingstock of the city

if we don't catch her, and fast.

But we ran out of leads.

No we haven't.

Tonight, Miss Devonshire and
I are going to go undercover.

We're going to infiltrate
the soft, seamy

underbelly of the city until
we find her whereabouts.

Or else.

Commissioner!

You and me?

Undercover?

Together?

I never knew you cared.

More than you know,
Miss Devonshire.

Are you sure
that's a wise choice?

I mean, Miss Devonshire isn't
the youngest one on the force

and she can't be too
quick on her feet.

Yeah, and going
undercover as low life

comes much more
naturally to some of us.

Yeah.

You two mind
your own business.

So, commissioner, what did
you have in mind for tonight?

Disguises, Miss Devonshire.

Disguises so perfect, we
will fit in with the lowlifes

of this city.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, sir.

I haven't worn an
outfit like this since

my first undercover assignment.

Oh, I remember it well.

I was a model for a deck
of naughty playing cards.

Oh, if only those other officers
had made the arrest in time.

[SIGHS]

I'll never forget the day the
local grocer said to me, hey!

You're the girl on
the three of hearts!

Miss Devonshire, be quiet!
Don't look now.

Don't look now.

I'm afraid they've spotted us!

Quick, look inconspicuous.

Sir, I had no idea
you felt that way.

It's all in the line
of duty, Miss Devonshire.

I trust that my boldness
didn't offend you.

Not at all.

By the way, may I have my
chewing gum back, please?

Oh.

Oh, commissioner.

What's this I feel?

That?

Well, that's just a thermos
of hot coffee I brought along.

Oh.

I'd like you to know I
really enjoy the quality

time we spend together.

Thank you, Miss Devonshire.

Now, if you don't
mind, would you please

stop fondling my flashlight?

Oh.

Sorry.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CANDY (ON WALKIE TALKIE):
Come in, Samantha.

Come in!

What, Candy?

What?

CANDY (ON WALKIE
TALKIE): I wanted to see

if you had any luck so far.

No, and I won't as long
as I'm talking to you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, there.

Uh, hello.

Do you have any time to spend?

Sure.

Do you have any
money to spend?

- Let me see.
- Come on.

These tricks aren't for kids.

I've got $5.

$5?

$5?

You couldn't get
in my purse for $5.

I've got another--

another $3.

Listen.

I think I'm a little
out of your league.

But why don't you
make me a little offer

and we can work something out?

Well, I've got another $40.

But I'm saving that for the
new Space Invaders video game.

Look, man.

You're really
getting on my nerves.

I mean, what would
you rather do?

Go around the universe
or go around the world?

Can you give you a
minute to think about that?

Forget it.

You know what?

You couldn't handle the ride.
- Wait a minute.

Don't go.

I mean, I thought
I could afford you.

You look so cheap.

What did you say, you nerd?

Nothing.

You know, you should be
glad that I've got scruples,

or I'd belt you one.

Except it's a parole violation.

I'm telling you, he was
this close to proposing to me.

You're sure you're not
jumping to conclusions?

I'm positive.

First, we exchanged chewing gum.

And then, oh, he
kept pretending this

was part of the assignment.

He kept snapping my bra straps.

Oh, well that got
me all goose pimply.

That sounds serious.

Then what's stopping
him from proposing to you?

I don't know.

I think maybe he's just
a little tongue tied.

You write that advice column.

What would you tell
a reader to do?

I'd tell them to
make the first move,

even if you make a fool of
yourself in the process.

Then go for it!

Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

Commissioner,
will you marry me?

You heard me, yes or no?

Well, Miss Devonshire, will
you promise to cook my food

and darn my socks and
take out the garbage

and do all the other
wifely you duties,

just like a third
world bride who'd

do anything, no matter how
degrading, for its citizenship?

Just as I've been doing in
my dreams for all these years.

Hmm.

Well, then yes, Miss Devonshire.

I'll marry you.

Could you please
get off my lap now?

My hat, Miss Devonshire.

Oh, sorry.

We're engaged.

Can you believe it?

Congratulations,
Miss Devonshire.

Thank you, Candy.

After all these years.

It's about time, too.

She's not getting any
younger, you know.

Thank you for that
vote of confidence.

So, when's the big day?

Oh, we hadn't
thought about it yet.

Well, now, now, I have
the perfect place for it.

The police firing range.

The firing range?

What kind of place is
that for a wedding?

I'm not getting married
where the officers

have target practice.

Now, be reasonable.

It's free.

Why don't you let us
organize the wedding for you?

Yeah, let us do it.

Now, I think the
local park would

be a much better location.

But I like the firing range.

What if somebody
takes a shot at us?

Well, they won't if
we have it at the park.

I was talking about the park.

That's in a bad part of town.

Let us worry about it.

Yeah, just leave
everything to us.

We could be your flower girls.

Girls, what do you know
about organizing anything?

Well, for instance, who
will be the best man?

My cousin got married
in a nudist colony.

It was easy to
pick the best man.

[GIGGLES]

That's enough.

Speaking of best men,
I have someone in mind.

My son from my first marriage.

Why, he'd be just perfect.

You were married before, and
you never mentioned it to me?

Honestly, Miss
Devonshire, I mean,

who our age wouldn't by now
at least have been married

and have a couple of kids?

I mean, I mean, who'd
save themselves this long?

Oh, I see your point.

In fact, why don't
we meet him now?

Irwin, Irwin!
Come over here.

Just a minute.

Somebody's resisting arrest.

I remember you.

You called me cheap.

- You called me a nerd.
- Now, now.

This is no way to make
first introductions.

This little weasel
tried to pick me up

last night while
I was undercover.

Oh, really?

I was under cover myself.

I thought you were
a real hooker.

Oh.

So that part about you saving
your money for a video game,

that was a joke, right?
- No.

I really am saving my
money for a video game.

Figures.

Miss Devonshire,
I have a great idea.

Why don't you let us put
on a bridal shower for you?

Well, it does sound tempting.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

It's for women only.

Oh.

Well, I have to work
late tomorrow night.

So why don't you girls go
ahead and go for it, huh?

Oh, all right.

Yes.

Yeah, have fun.

And don't break any laws!

Oh, we won't.

I may have to read up on
what drugs have been legalized,

though.

[CRICKETS]

[DOORBELL]

[RECORD SCREECHES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I know she's going to
love my friends present.

I found this great
lingerie at half off.

Which half did you buy?

[LAUGHS]

She's going to
like mine the best.

It's rechargeable.

Miss Devonshire.

Congratulations.

Oh, Blanche.

You look great!

Wife, mother, executioner.

How do you do it?

Well, I owe it all
to your advice column.

MISS DEVONSHIRE: Oh,
you really like it?

Oh, you're not just saying that?

We really love
those on the job tips.

Wait till next month's column.

101 uses for the billy club!

Ooh, I can't wait!

Come on, let's get
this party rolling!

Stupid cackling hens.

They make me sick.

Should we be here?

Just be quiet and
do what I tell you.

I have work to do.

I hope she likes my present.
- What is it?

It's a surprise.

Now, help me find some
of the old hag's outfits.

Here's some.

Ugh.

God.

They're all hideous.

This isn't going to be
as easy as I thought.

And help me with some of these.

There might be something
here that I might like.

[BUZZING]

Leave that one.
It's AC.

I'm DC.

[INAUDIBLE]

- I just love parties.
- Great.

Look at this food.

Weenie surprise, three bean
salad, and fruit punch.

Yum.

It's probably left over from
what the inmates had today.

Hey, make sure
no one's watching.

I wanna give the
punch a little boost.

Good idea.

[RECORD SKIPS]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I just love parties.

Especially after a long day
of doing cavity searches.

[GIGGLING]

Look, it's the same food
we served in prison today.

I can't wait to have
some of that punch.

Um, maybe I'd better
make a fresh batch.

Nonsense.

Stop hogging the refreshments.

We're gonna have some fun.

Ahh, that really
wets my whistle.

Your turn, Samantha.

Open the door.

Will he be a dream--

Or a dud?

[CACKLING]

It's a dud.

You lose again!

This reeks.

They should make that
dud look like Irwin.

You know, you really
should be nice to him.

I think he likes you.

Oh, great.

Just what I need.

You tell can't me
you've never had worse.

Well, actually, I
went out with this guy

once, he used to get so
drunk that he couldn't even--

My turn.

Oh, I bet I get a dream date.

Quick.

Make an excuse so we
can get out of here.

Just be patient.

I have a little
entertainment on the way.

You do?
Tell me!

Well, I hired a male
stripper to show up.

His name is Mr. Centaur.

He's a man from the waist up
and a horse from the waist down.

I can't wait.
[DOORBELL]

He's here.

[DOORBELL]

[LAUGHTER]

[GASP]

Hi, girls.

Who the hell are you?

I hired Mr. Centaur.

I must have had my hearing
aid off when I took your order.

I thought you wanted
me, Miss Century.

The world's only
100-year-old stripper.

You senile old fool, can't
you get anything right?

As long as I'm here, you
might as well enjoy the show.

(SINGING) Let
me entertain you.

[CRASH]

Help me.

I've fallen and I can't get up.

You better get back
to the old folks' home

before they find
out you've gone.

MISS CENTURY: You've got a lot
of nerve, you young tramps.

Men used to stand in line
around the block to see my show.

I don't care what the
cavemen did to see you.

Just go home and
send us Mr. Centuar.

Honestly.

Now my panties are
moist for nothing.

Look what's hiding over there.

It's him.

Come on out, shy boy!

It's not what
you think, honest!

Come right this way.

There's an audience out back
that isn't getting any younger.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ha ha!
Another dud!

[CLEARS THROAT]

What in the world?

This is part of my gift
to you, Miss Devonshire.

What do you want him to do?

- Strip search me.
- No!

Take it off!

[RECORD SCREECHES]
- Hit it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Take it off!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Miss Devonshire, are you OK?

Oh, yes.

I think so.

Oh, but suddenly, I have such
a craving for weenie surprise!

Oh, no you don't.

- I really got to go.
- Nonsense.

Stay for one game.
- I can't.

I won't take no for an answer.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Right foot, red.

Hey, Samantha, I bet you
can't do this position!

[GRUNTS]

Candy.

Candy, this is a family game.

Your turn, big boy.

I've never played
this game before.

Come on, it's easy.

Left hand, blue.

Watch out, Samantha.

If you slip, you have
to leave the game.

Ow!
Hey!

Better luck next time!

Left foot, yellow.

You heard her.

Middle leg, G spot.

I mean, left leg, yellow.

Candy!

Candy, what?

Candy, get up.
- Party poopers.

Hey!

I want to open my presents!

Oh!

Here you go.

I can't wait!

Gift certificate, good
for one free tattoo

at Scabia's Tattoo Parlor?

That was mine.

Just what I always wanted.

Just don't get a rose.

Open mine next.

I got all the inmates to make
you something in shop class.

How appropriate.

That's not what it
was supposed to say!

Honestly.

Well, maybe this will be
something that I'll like.

[FOGHORN]

Who could have
sent such a gift?

Well, the
psychological profile

is a person who is infantile,
does things on impulse,

and has a high sex drive.

Oh, real funny, Candy!

You'd like to give
me a heart attack!

It's not mine, honest!

Look, here's a card.

Give me that.

Dear Miss Devonshire.

By the time you read
this, it will be too late.

The commissioner will be mine.

[GASPS]

Signed Malathian.
[GASPS]

Oh my god!

I can't get peace of
mind, even in my own home.

Party's over.

I'm going to put a stop to
this before it's too late.

Poor Miss Devonshire.

- Hey, where did your friend go?
- That's odd.

Why did he leave already?

I didn't even get a
chance to pay him.

Oh, the tip he
would have gotten.

Look, I think he dropped this.

Anvil's Garage?

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Heh heh!

Well, now, is this
stack of prisoners

who are ready to be released?

Or are they the ones who are too
dangerous to ever be set free?

Well, it's getting late.

Doesn't really matter.

Who's there?

Who is it?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Miss Devonshire, what
are you doing here?

I thought you went
home hours ago.

I couldn't get my mind
off you, you stud muffin.

Well, I'm flattered, I'm sure.

But it is late, and I have
all this paperwork to do.

Oh, the hell with that.

There's a more urgent
matter at hand.

Miss Devonshire,
does this have

anything to do with Malathian?

No.

It's not about me.

I mean, about her.

Do me, commissioner.

Right now, right
here on this desk.

Miss Devonshire,
what's gotten into you?

Well, nothing yet.
Hurry up.

I'm not getting any younger.

Oh, all right.

So this is what you do the
minute my back is turned?

I can't leave you alone
for a single moment?

Miss Devonshire, I thought
that this-- you were--

You.

How dare you.

Keep your hands off my man.

I was just trying to prove
to you how unfaithful he is.

Was I right.

I'm going to ring
your lousy neck.

So many men, so little time.

Got to run!

You get back here, right now!

Are you honestly going
to tell me you couldn't

tell the difference between us?

I just thought you loosened
your girdle a little bit.

Oh, you [INAUDIBLE] fool.

[LAUGHING]

What's the matter with you?

I can't believe what
I've let you talk me into.

Oh, shut up.

This is the most fun
I've had in years.

You're nothing
like I expected.

Oh, really?

And what did you expect?

Suzy Homemaker?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Miss Devonshire, be
Sharpies reasonable.

Look at the facts.
One, it was very late.

Two, I was very tired.

And three, I thought it was you.

And four, it's not like I
was trying to make the move

on some slut off the street.

I rest my case.

Well, it does sound better
when you put it that way.

Here.

I'll make it up to you.

Look at that.

Oh, it's beautiful!

Oh, I forgive you!

Oh, what a lovely gift.

I thought I was going to have
to go and get my own ring.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I wouldn't hear of it.

No, we arrested a hooker
early this morning.

She's doing 30 days.

Ah, she'll never miss it.

Miss Devonshire?

I have another question.

And it's a rather
delicate subject.

Then who better to ask it?

Well, um, what color wedding
dress were you planning on?

I realized white is
out of the question.

White is not out
of the question.

I haven't been saving myself
for all these years so I could

get married in bordello red.

I thought I was the only
one who liked that color.

OK, so a white dress.

What style?

Let's see.

Maybe a little pill box hat,
and a high waisted bodice,

and a strand of pearls.

Oh, something simple.

You know, like me.

A style from the 60s.

A style for
someone in their 60s.

That's not what I said.

Oh, never mind.

Nothing can get me down today.

The commissioner and
I have reconciled

and there's not a
cloud in the sky.

Just let me get
back to my column.

Dear Old Maid--

[LAUGHS]

Dear readers.

Now that I'm getting
hitched, it's

proof that you should have been
paying attention to all my tips

over the years.

I hope you're all as
jubilant as I am today.

Everyone except
for you, Malathian.

I hope that you are living--

Every moment in misery as
I prepare for my big day.

As I march down the aisle, may
you crawl through that sewer

of filth that you belong in.

Ugh, this is the last straw.

Maybe she's talking to
someone else with the same name.

Shut up, you lug nut.

Jubilant on my wedding day.

We'll see who's jubilant
when I'm through with her.

[BUZZER]

Oh my god.

What the hell is she doing here?
- I don't know.

Did you invite her,
because if you did--

No, I mean, I didn't.

I don't know how she found it.

Find out what she
wants, and make it fast.

And then get rid of her.

Hi.

I thought I'd find you here.

I didn't think
I'd see you again.

Silly boy.

You dropped your card the
other night when you left,

so I came by.

Oh, I dropped my card?

That was dumb of me.

Dumb like a fox.

It's nice that
you have a day job

as well as being a stripper.

I respect you for that.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

You were hoping that
I'd come by, weren't you?

I was?

You don't have to pretend.

We're all alone here, aren't we?

Alone?

Yeah, right, we're alone.
- Good.

Because I have a problem.

My engine's been revving
ever since I laid

eyes on you the other night.

I need a tune up
in the worst way.

OK, bring your car by
and I'll take a look at it.

I'm not talking about my car.

I'm the one that's overheating.

Whip out that dipstick
and make my engine purr.

What are you doing?

Come on, get out
of those clothes

before I rip them
off with my teeth.

Ow!
My hand!

I think it's broken.

I'm sorry.

I guess I should've
been more careful.

Ow!

No, it's OK.

It wasn't your fault.

I could stay and nurse
you back to health.

No, no.

You've done enough already.

I think you better go.

I'll come back when
you're feeling better.

I like a guy that has
use of both his hands.

Well, don't hurry
because I'm a slow healer.

Oh, wait.

Let me give you my phone number.

I have a wedding to go to this
Saturday, but other than that,

I'm free all weekend.

Ow.

Ow!
Damn.

Call me!
Bye!

[BUZZER]

That cheap little floozy!

Trying to latch
her hooks into you.

And you, how dare
you two time me.

I didn't do anything with her!

She's had the hots for me ever
since they caught me hiding

in that house, and it
was your idea that I go

over there in the first place.

Yeah, I know that.

What were you doing
stripping for her?

That's the only way I
could get out of there.

You'd better be
telling me the truth.

I am, honest!

She has her nerve, though!

You don't need to be jealous.

I'll never see her again.

You're damn right you'll
never see her again,

or I'll carve you a new--

Wait a minute.

On second thought, maybe
you will see her again.

She said the
wedding's on Saturday.

All we need to know
is where it is.

Why do you care?

Because if there's
one thing I can't stand,

it's a happy ending.

Well, it looks like everything
is set for our big event

this Saturday!

Listen, sir.

Do you think it's safe to
go ahead with this wedding

with Malathian still at large?
- That's right.

What if she shows up?

Well, how is she going
to find out about it?

I mean, who would be stupid
enough to let her know?

That would be pretty stupid.

[LAUGHS]

And I've been waiting my
whole life to get married.

I'm not postponing
it just because of

some insane, homicidal
woman who may hold

a number of grudges against me.
- That's right.

I mean, why jump to conclusions?

After all, Malathian doesn't
even know where it is.

Besides, I want to start
making plans for our honeymoon.

Oh, sir.
So soon?

Yes, yes, yes.

You know, I'm hearing that
Death Valley is looking

mighty good this time of year.
- Death Valley?

That wasn't one of my choices.

Yeah, it's not what it's
cracked up to be, either.

I went there last year.

I didn't see any dead bodies.
- Really?

Oh, you don't say.

I was thinking more along
the lines of something

like Niagara Falls.

Oh, but think of the
cost, Miss Devonshire.

That's out of the question.

I tell you what.

Why don't I take you to one of
those local water slides, huh?

Rafting down a water
slide with a bunch

of drunken teenagers?

That's hardly my
idea of a honeymoon.

I have a much better idea.

What about Tijuana?

There is this donkey
show I've heard about.

That's enough, all of you.

Now, commissioner, listen.

You'd better come up
with a good honeymoon,

and that's an ultimatum.

Girls, I didn't want to
say this in front of Miss

Devonshire, but you know
there is a pretty good

chance that Malathian may
just crash the ceremony

and wreak havoc.

So you are going
to postpone it, then?

No, not on your life.

This will be our best
chance to catch her.

All right?

Now, I want both of you
girls to stay on your toes

at that ceremony.

The minute Malathian makes
her move, we will nab her.

Yeah, but what if
there's crossfire?

There's going to be a
lot of people there.

So a few people get shot.

We will be grabbing
the number one criminal

at large in the process.

So, who gets hurt?

Hmm?

Now, remember.

Not one word to Miss Devonshire.

She may be inviting some of her
family members to the wedding

and she wouldn't like my plan.

Can you believe that man?

A honeymoon in Death Valley?

What sort of souvenirs am
I supposed to buy there?

Oh, that man has no
sense of romance.

Why don't you let
me give you a tip

on how to keep the romance
in your relationship?

I already know the basics.

The way to a man's heart
is through his stomach.

Well, I happen to know
a more direct route.

I spiced up my last relationship
by opening the door naked when

my boyfriend was coming over.

What happened?

Well, my boyfriend
was late, but um,

I got my mail hand-delivered for
about a year or so after that.

Thank you for that too. tip.

Now if you're finished, I
have some work to get to.

Um, well, um, actually,
there is one more thing.

I've taken the
liberty of starting

a bridal registry for you
at the local Shop and Save.

And look, somebody already
bought you a ceramic clown

salt and pepper shaker.

Ooh, I better get down
there while those irregular

pillowcases are still available.

Girls, before you start
sending out invitations,

I've made a list of my own.

But we already have a list
of who we're going to invite.

This is a list of
who not to invite.

I wasn't born yesterday.

I'm not letting you turn
my only trip down the aisle

into something so tawdry,
it looks like a movie

for late night television.

But there's nothing wrong
with the people on my list.

I mean, I didn't invite
anybody who might

take a shot at you or anything.

Just pay attention.

No one who might show
up on a motorcycle.

Oh, no one with more than four
tattoos on any one body part.

No one who has ever
appeared on an infomercial.

And no rodeo clowns.

Well, um, how about
inmates who were used

in prison medical experiments?

That one goes without saying.

You know, all of those
examples that you named

sound exactly like my type.

You wouldn't happen to have
any numbers, would you?

[SIGHS]

Looks like I have to find a
new date for this Saturday.

Miss Devonshire, this
list is really necessary.

I mean, it's going to be
hard enough getting people

to show up with a chance that--

Go on.

What were you going to say?

Um--

She was going to
say that it's going

to be hard enough to get people
to attend on such short notice.

Oh, well.
Do the best you can.

My family can hardly believe
I'm finally getting hitched.

There will be some surprised
faces at that ceremony

this weekend.

You can say that again.

This wedding is making
me so strapped for cash.

I just bought a
bridal shower gift.

Now I have to get another one.

Why don't you just get
them something for under $5.

That's what I did.

Really?

That's all you spent?

Sure.

I mean, you don't
think I'm going

to break myself for those
two dinosaurs, do you?

Look, there's a reason I got the
registry at the Shop and Save.

There isn't a thing
on that list over $5.

Anyway, it's the thought
that counts, right?

Yeah, well, I
like your sentiment.

But just remind me not to
invite you to one of my weddings

someday.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, my car!

[GRUNTING]

And I have to find a
safer place to park.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Never again.

Never again.

Never, never.

What are you
babbling about now?

I'm making plans for
Devonshire's wedding.

I didn't know
you were invited.

I'm not, you peon.

That's never stopped me from
crashing a party before.

I can't wait until they
say, who doesn't want to see

these two people married?

Are you going to stand
up and interrupt them?

No.

I'm going to stand
up and shoot them.

And then we are
going to make off

with all their wedding gifts.

What do you mean, we?

You heard me.

I'll hold them back
at gunpoint while you

load up on the presents.

We could use a new
toaster oven around here.

Wait a minute.

I thought you'd been
rehabilitated before they

paroled you last week.

Rehabilitated?

Paroled?

Oh, yeah, right.

Where has my mind been?

You know, this is
one part of my brain

that I think they fried a
little too much in those prison

medical experiments.

Makes me forget just
how far I've come.

How silly of me.

That's better.

Yeah, what I
meant to say was, we

are going to go to the wedding
and wish them our very best.

Oh, OK.

Just one thing, though.

You remember that blond bimbo
that was here yesterday?

Yeah, you told me
never to see her again.

Yeah, well, don't listen
to everything I say.

Maybe you should ask her
out on a date after all.

I mean, she has just the
right pair of loose lips

to tell me everything
I want to know.

Looks like everything's set
for the wedding this Saturday.

All we have to do is
be out of the park

by 1:30, when Tiffany Berkowitz
gets married after you.

Wait a minute.

You didn't tell me the
wedding was this Saturday.

I already have plans.

That's the day of the big
science fiction convention.

Now wait a minute, young man.

If you can't make up your mind
between a once in a lifetime

event and a frivolous
little free for all--

Good.

I'm glad you don't
mind that I won't be

attending your wedding, then.

Whew.

No, no, now wait a minute.

You're going to be there
bright and early, young man,

you're going to suffer through,
just like the rest of us.

What was that?

Figuratively speaking.

But my friends are expecting
me at the convention.

We're going to be terminating
fat girls in the hotel lobby.

That's enough.

End of discussion, young man.

He isn't going to be
living with us, is he?

Miss Devonshire,
my son is in his 20s,

he has a college degree,
and a full time job.

I see.

Of course he's going
to be living with us.

It'll be good for him to have
a mother around, you know.

Perhaps you can even
convince him to move out

of the basement, eventually.

When can I start
calling you mom?

[LAUGHS]

Now look over here.

Samantha's modeling one of
the bridesmaids outfits.

(SINGING)

Nice choice.

Who helped you with it?

Well, I picked it myself.

But they're on
rental, so they have

to be returned the next day.

These are on rental?

I guess I should
have worn underwear.

Well, it looks like
everything's under control.

What did I tell you?

Come on, I have a cake to order.

Oh, did you find the bakery
that had the bride and groom

on the cake, holding guns?

You look nice, Samantha.

Gee, thanks.

I'm sorry about calling
cheap the other night.

That's OK.

I've been called worse.

Would you like to go
out with me sometime?

[LAUGHS]

I don't think
it would work out.

Our backgrounds are
just too different.

What do you mean?

Well, you come from
this nice, white bread,

middle class family.

So?

So, this is my first job.

Actually, my second job.

I used to do phone sex.

I was in prison for the
last five years of my life.

I already knew that.

I saw your crime report.

You mean you knew
all that stuff about me

and still want to
go out with me?

Yeah, sure.

I mean, you seem like a
nice person and besides,

I like women in prison movies.

Is it true what they do with
the brooms in those places?

I wouldn't know.

Well, so, do we have a date?

Well, you're an all
right kind of guy.

You know what?

I'd love to go out with you.

You would?
Really?

Sure.

I wouldn't kid about
something like that.

Now, what you want to do?

Um, how about a movie?

OK.

That sounds nice.

[THUNDER]

WOMAN (IN MOVIE): Please
don't shoot me, Gus!

Gus!

Take me with you!

Please don't kill me!

Take me with you!

[SCREAMS]

What are you doing?

Please don't kill me!

[SCREAMS]

Thanks for letting me
pick the picture, Samantha.

I hope you like it.

What's not to like about
Pinata Party Massacre?

Oh, it's a classic.

Sorority girls having
a pinata party,

sitting around in lingerie.

And then an escaped homicidal
maniac crashes the party.

And he brings a baseball
bat with nails in it!

I've seen it 18 times already.

If you've seen it before,
why do you come back?

It gets better every time.
Look, look.

Here's the part where the
girl goes up to the attic.

Now watch.

She's going to let the bats out.

[SHRIEKS]

Would you be quiet?

Hey, I paid for my ticket.

I can do whatever I want here.

Irwin, try and be quiet
so I can watch the movie.

[THUNDER]
- Look.

Here's the best part.

She thinks she's going
to be safe by locking

all the car doors in the car.

But the killer's
in the back seat!

[SCREAMS]

Look, man.

You're spoiling the movie.

Either you shut up
or I'm going home.

Sorry.
We're good.

[YAWNS]

Irwin?

Shh.

What are you doing?

Shh.

Trying to watch the movie.

That does it.

Look.

I've had some
lousy dates before,

but this one takes the cake.

Just be glad I didn't
bring my brass knuckles.

What are you looking at?

Wait, you're going to
miss the ninja cheerleaders!

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

No, Anvil's busy right now.

I'll take a message.

Oh, it's Candy.

I see.

Oh, the wedding is tomorrow
at noon in the park,

and you'd like to know if
he'd come as your date.

Yes, I'll see to it he gets it.

Who was that?

Oh, just a wedding
invitation I've been expecting.

We have any plans for
tomorrow afternoon?

I never have any plans.

Oh, I forgot.

Well anyway, get together your
fanciest duds, because this is

an event I don't want to miss.

Oh, I love weddings.

Can I tie tin cans to
the back of their car?

Shut up.

I can't wait until
they serve the wedding

cake, because I'm
going to bite the heads

off the bride and groom.

[CACKLES]

I'm exhausted.

I can't wait until those
two are finally married.

I know.

I had no idea it was
going to be so much work

organizing one of these things.

You said it.

Good evening, ladies.

What's your sign?

Mine's slippery when wet.

Really?

It looks more like
vacancy upstairs.

Come on, be nice
to me and I'll

give you the first and
third right on Collossus.

Oh, please.
I don't like kiddie rides.

Why don't you get lost?

You don't know
what you're missing.

[GRUNTING]

Just beat it!

[LAUGHTER]

Well, I guess I'd better
check my list one last time.

OK.

Are you sure the band's
going to be there?

Yeah.
I confirmed it this afternoon.

OK.

And you're sure they know how
to play the wedding march?

Well, I talked
with my friend Slash

and he said he'd never
played it before,

but he promised me he
would learn it by tomorrow.

- Slash?
- Yeah.

Wait a minute.

What kind of band did you get?

How many kinds are there?

I was kind of thinking
of the kind that

plays like, elevator music?

Listen, you wanted a
band that played for free.

You can't get too picky.

Yeah, I guess you're right.
OK.

I invited all of Miss
Devonshire's friends.

Well, two of them.

And they said that they would
have to work something out

to get the day off
of prison guard duty,

but they'll be there.
- Good.

That's good.

And Irwin said he might bring
some of his friends with him.

Oh, god.

Do not even mention
his name to me.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

It's just that we went on this
date and it was a disaster.

You went out with him?

That's so cute!

No.

It's not.

He's got a real problem
with wandering hands.

Really?

I kind of like that in a guy.

And I thought you were
gonna go as his date?

Oh, please.

The only kind of date he's going
to get is the inflatable kind.

What about you?
Who are you going to take?

Well, um, I asked that
male stripper from the party

the other night.

You invited him?

You're kidding me.

What's so funny about that?

Nothing.

Nothing.

What else do you
have on your list?

Malathian the preacher
knows what time to show up.

I guess that's everything.

You said it.

Hey, let's get another
round to celebrate.

Yeah.

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

Girls, I know you're not up
for parole until next week,

but I'm getting married,
so what the hey?

I'll release you today if you
promise to get us a nice gift.

Hm?

No, no, no, no, girls.

That's not exactly
what I had in mind.

No, no.
Stop, stop!

Stop.

Man, what else is
he talking about?

Wish I knew what
happened to my ring.

- Sir?
- Yeah.

Do I get the day
off work as well?

Did you buy us a nice present?

No.

Then you work today.

I'm so nervous.

Do I look all right?

Oh, you look fine!

And I think that dress
is back in style now.

Maybe I am worried
over nothing.

I mean, after all,
everything's been planned

out to the very last detail.

What could possibly go wrong?

[SHOUTING]

What's all that
shouting about outside?

Well, we couldn't take the
day off work without someone

to mind the shop.

[SHOUTING]

Tell Joyce [INAUDIBLE]
the tee shirt!

I didn't invite
these prisoners.

Don't worry.

You'll hardly know they're here.

Look at all these cheap gifts.

Whose idea was it to
have the bridal registry

at Shop and Save, anyway?

Never mind that.

Have you seen how many
inmates are at our wedding?

Well, just calm down.

I think we put most of
them behind bars ourselves.

I just wonder where my
son, the best man, is.

[SHOUTING]

Irwin!

Hi, dad!

What in the
blazes is going on?

Well, I told you that I
wanted to go to the science

fiction convention.

And the only way I could come
by here and to have enough time

is if I came in costume.

I hope you don't mind, I brought
a couple of my friends along.

Young man, we were going to
have a long, long discussion

when this is all over.

Now, did you bring the ring?

Well, of course.

What you think, I'm stupid?

Friend of the
bride or the groom?

Oh, can anything
else go wrong?

Where are my flower girls?

Come on, you two.

Sleep it off at home.

Did you say something?

Yeah, it's noon.

Order another drink or beat it.

Oh, I'll go for
another drink--

noon?
Noon?

Oh my god, the wedding's
already started.

- What?
- The wedding's already started.

OK, OK.

Um, well I got the
dresses in the car--

we can change on the way.

Did you broads need
a designated driver?

I think you need to
mind your own business.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh my gosh, oh my
gosh, oh my gosh!

Excuse me, I'm
Reverend Fletcher.

I'll be conducting
the ceremony today.

Oh, all right.
[INAUDIBLE]

Nice to meet you.

That's Fletcher.

Say, you look familiar.

Weren't you the girl
on the three of hearts?

No.

You must have me mistaken
for somebody else.

Well, are we ready
to get started?

We're still waiting for
someone who isn't here yet.

They better get here quickly.

Tiffany Berkowitz is getting
married in the next half hour.

And you have to be out of here.

Yes, we know.

[LOUD ELECTRIC ROCK MUSIC]

[AMP FEEDBACK]

Excuse me, but I believe
you're at the wrong place.

This is a wedding.

I know.

I'm supposed to be here.

I doubt that.

Who told you to be here?

Candy and Samantha.

Candy and Samantha.

Grab the wheel!

Grab the wheel, Candy!
- I got it!

I got it!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Ahhh!

I can't see!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[YELLING]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

[YELLING]

Oh my gosh.

Grab the wheel, I can't see!

My dress!

Oh my god!

Woah!
Woah!

Aren't you going to put
the gift with the others?

No.

I'm waiting for
just the right part.

What is it?

It's a surprise.

Boy, you sure like surprises.

Oh, by the way, are you friends
with the bride or the groom?

Neither.

[SHOUTING]

Grab the wheel.

I got it, I got it!

We really need to begin.

Very well, then.

[CAR HONKING]
- OK, OK, OK!

[ELECTRIC GUITAR]

[SHOUTING]

Are we ready?

Ready as I'll ever be!

Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today to unite

this couple in holy matrimony.

Now, if there is
anyone out here who

feels this couple
should not be united,

please speak now or
forever hold your peace.

[CAR HONKS MUSICALLY]

Look out!

[SCREAMING]

What the--

No wonder you got such
a good deal on this car.

The brakes don't work.

- Girls, are you all right?
- Oh, yeah.

We're fine.
- You idiot!

You ruined my wedding!

How dare you show up
dressed like this?

But our clothes
blew out the window!

And that band you picked!

I picked the band.

What will it take
to knock some sense

into your brainless heads?

[CACKLING]

Oh, this is too much!

Malathian!

Guards!

Arrest this woman!

All right, stay back
and nobody gets hurt.

[CHEERING]

Get down!

Down!

What are you
doing with the gun?

Shut up.
I told you it was a surprise.

Stay back!

How dare you show
up to my wedding.

You weren't invited.

Well, I came to stir
up a little trouble,

but it looks like your
own girls have done

a pretty decent job themselves.

[LAUGHS]

Sometimes, I wonder whose
side they're on myself.

Gee, commissioner,
you were right.

Malathian did show up,
just like you said.

You mean you were expecting
this and you never told me?

I wasn't absolutely positive.

Thanks a lot, Candy.

Did you open your presents?

The set of mismatched
towels were mine.

Oh, hi Anvil.

It's nice that you showed up.

Why don't you meet me in me
car, naked, after the ceremony?

You, keep your
hands off my man.

Your man?

You heard me, you
gold digging tramp.

We met through Prison
Romance Magazine way

before you came into
his garage and wanted

his love nuts and dipstick.

She met that from
the pen pal column?

Boy, I'm going
to have to start

reading those personal ads
a little more carefully.

You two-timing pig!

I can't believe you'd
make the moves on me when

you already had a girlfriend.

It's not--

It's not what it
looks like, honest!

You get back with the others.

I'm not finished yet.

And I'm glad that car
hood slammed on your hand

the other night before
I was about to do

the wild thing with you.

By the way, do you
have any brothers?

I've had enough of all of you!

Preacher, I hope you know
how to say the last rites.

Listen, you people!

I'm getting married at
1:30 here and you're

already past your time limit!

Let's get a move on it!

Listen, honey, if you were
smart, you'd shut your mouth

and get out of here while
you still got the chance?

Who do you think
you're talking to?

I don't care who I'm talking
to, now get your ass out

of here before I shoot it off.

No one talks to Tiffany
Berkowitz like that!

Get her, girls!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, hope nobody
bought us any china.

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Come on, Malathian!

We've been keeping the cell
nice and clean for you!

Go to hell!

[APPLAUSE]

Well, young lady, what do you
have to say for yourself now?

It's just not fair!

I mean, how come everybody
else gets to have

a happy ending except for me?

I mean, I'm the one who
should be marching down

that aisle in a wedding dress.

Isn't there anybody
who will have me?

I'll marry you.

You will?

Yes, I will.

It won't be much at first.

Only conjugal visit
days, but it'll

be exactly what I had in mind.

A seven year engagement.

That is, if you'll have me.

Aw, you're darn
right I'll have you.

I accept.

Can she do this?

Yes, she can.

In fact, the law allows it.

Then a double
ceremony it'll be.

A double ceremony?

What did I just tell you people?
- No, no, no.

We'll make it nice
and quick, all right?

By the way, young lady,
have you ever considered

a career in vice enforcement?

You see this wedding dress?

You think I'm planning
on having a job?

Do you, Thelma
Louise Devonshire--

[GIGGLES]

Excuse me.

Would you two shut up?

Oh, sorry.

Please continue.

Do you take the
commissioner to be

your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you take
Miss Devonshire to be

your lawfully wedded wife?
- I do.

And do you, Malathian, take
Anvil to be your husband?

Do I ever.
I mean, I do.

And do you take
Malathian to be your wife?

I do.

I pronounce you
both man and wife.

You may kiss the brides.

[APPLAUSE]

All right.

Oh no!

Til death do you part is going
to come a little early for you

two.

Someone stop her!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[GUNSHOT]

I told you not to bump
into me when I'm taking aim!

Our best wedding gift yet!

Yeah, better than any of
those crummy gifts they gave us.

Well, good work, Candy.

Wait a minute!

What about my honeymoon?

Ha!

In about seven.

I'll see you on
conjugal visit day.

Maybe they'll give me time
off for good behavior.

I'll wait for you.

And I'll keep you
company while she's gone.

The hell you will!

I've broken out before
and I'll do it again.

Yeah, sure.

Boy.

If I would have only
hired a video crew to

tape this wedding.

Think of all the money we
could have won in America's

Most Hilarious Home Videos.

[ELECTRIC GUITAR]

Hey, Samantha,
would you like to go

to the science
fiction convention

with me and my friends?

Uh, no thanks, Irwin.

You're just not my type.

Now this is my kind of man.

Hey, get Slash, you get
any new tattoos lately?

Not that I could
show you out in public.

Oh, man!

Irwin, when can
I eat some food?

Let's go hotwire a
car and go for a ride.

Oh, man.

I'd like to, but it's
a parole violation.

You're no fun
anymore these days.

[APPLAUSE]

Speaking of honeymoons,
where did you decide on?

Oh, you're going to love it.

It's going to be a
working vacation.

A working vacation?

Exactly what I had in mind.

We can never rest.

Remember, vice happens.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Didn't I say I want
you people out of here?

Ah!

[MUSIC - MARKY DESADE, "PISTOL
WHIPPED"]