Vegas in Space (1991) - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn.

Another secret mission
off to a smooth start.

Where to this time, Captain?

I hope we meet some
far outer space chicks.

I'm sick of monsters.

You'll enjoy this
destination, boys.

It's the planet Clitoris,
in the Beaver system.

Wow.

The planet of women.

The gal galaxy.



But Captain, dudes
can't go there.

It's a babes-only world.

That's one of the earliest
prefab pleasure planets.

It was put into orbit at the
beginning of the last century.

But now all those planets
are falling to pieces.

Why is the Emperess sending
us there anyway, Captain?

You'll find out all about
it from the Empress herself.

Attention, attention.

Imperial communique.

Her royal feminist,
Empress of Earth.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hail, Empress.

Oh good afternoon,
Captain Tracey.

I wanted to personally wish
you and your brave young space



Cadettes all the
luck in the universe.

What an outfit.

It is with grave concern
that I dispatch you

on yet another dangerous
secret mission.

Only this morning I received
an urgent distress signal

from the Empress
Nueva Gabor, Clitorian

ruler of the glittering resort
complex, Vegas in Space.

Something terrible
is happening there!

Something of universal
diplomatic and political

import.

Nueva is our strongest ally in
the far-flung Beaver system.

Her problem is our problem.

But Empress, according to
the articles of the Venus

Convention, no males are allowed
to touch down on Clitoris, even

in the direst emergency.

That's right, Captain.

You and your men will change
sex for this undertaking.

You will find gender
reversal pills in sick bay.

Take the pink ones now.

And save the blue
ones for your return.

Change sex?

But we only have dude clothes!

All necessary gear
is already aboard.

You will be undercover as
traditional mid-twentieth

century show girls, sent by
me to entertain at Nueva's

annual off-world slumber party.

Take care of your uniforms.

They're government property.

Sounds like a cinch.

Beware of Veneer, Queen
of the Clitorian police.

She is my sister.

But she is evil.

Good luck.

And watch out for
meteor showers.

What do you think, Captain?

She looks stunning.

Yeah, but what
about the mission?

Yeah, the mission.

Don't worry about
the mission, guys.

Come on, let's change sex.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Steve.

Mike.

Dick.

Uh Captain, you
better give me two.

I think I need them.

I don't know.

OK.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOANING AND GASPING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANING]

He evaporated in
the line of duty.

[HARPS PLAYING]

Hey.

We're really foxy chicks!

Hot dog.

You've got a great set
of knockers there, Steve.

I mean Stephanie.

I hate that name.

I'll be Debbie.

And you, you can't
be Mike anymore.

We'll call you Sheila.

And I'll just reverse my name.

Goodbye, Captain Dan Tracey.

Hello, Miss Captain
Tracey Daniels.

Will there be danger, Captain?

Will we be safe?

Is life safe, Sheila?

When do we get there?

Let's ask Jane.

Jane babe, what's happening?

Two days and seven hours at
present velocity of plus five.

We got to be there
Saturday for the party.

Jane, we need speed.

I know, let's take an ultra
space jump to sector seven.

Positions, women.

Hit it, Jane.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

No, not lost in space,
drifting aimlessly!

Stop it, stop it.

We mustn't panic.

We'll just have to fly the
USS Intercourse manually.

Manually?

But we're women!

Yes.

I know, we'll use our
feminine intuition.

Come on gals, concentrate.

Hone in on it.

Where is Vegas in Space?

Where is Vegas in Space?

[HUMMING]

There, that way.

We did it.

We're on course.

And we're on time.

We'll be there in
a couple of hours.

Here we go, into
the pink vortex,

gateway to Vegas in Space!

Oh my nails.

My hair!

Let's go touch ourselves up.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Your hair looks so soft now.

I love it.

You like my hair too, Sheila?

Yeah.

It's nice and stiff.

Sheila, your eyes!

Give me a drag.

I love your do, Debbie.

Jane, you can talk.

Well of course.

Are we there yet?

We'll be over the
city any minute.

But I've just done my hair.

We're going to crash.

Hang on.

Oh Jane.

All right.

Oh.

Well I think I'm all right.

Is my hair still pretty?

Yeah.

You lost an earring.

Welcome to Vegas in Space.

I am Princess Angel,
Vice Empress of Clitoris.

I shall escort you
personally to the Empress

Nueva Gabor's house.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm so glad you had
a safe touch down.

Please, follow me.

Walk this way.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Shirelle, please see
to it that our guest's

sleeping quarters are in order.

You mean that tacky little
rat hole in the basement?

Please, allow me to apologize
for this rude display.

Shirelle, do as I ask.

Yes Princess Angel.

Follow me, please.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Behold, Vegas in Space.

An oasis of glamor in a
universe of mediocrity.

I can think of worse
places to spend a vacation.

Here comes Empress
Nebula's star cruiser now.

Really?

How can you tell?

Observe how she's driving.

I'd know that old space
bucket of solenoids anywhere.

Oh there's that galaxy.

Oh she's with that piss
yellow Princess Jaundice.

Oh, I think they saw me.

Hi Noodles.

Oh hi honey.

Hi, how you doing?

Oh now I've got to stop
for those two tired queens.

If I could just find
me a place to park.

[WOMEN HUMMING]

Oh honey this
place is so crowded

with that tired tourist
trade, you can't even

find a place to park.

Oh there's a spot
right over here.

[WOMEN HUMMING]

Why you son of a banoozian dog.

Honey, oh Martians should
not be allowed to drive.

Where did you get
your driver's license?

Plaz World?

I'll bet you stole
that star cruiser.

I'm so glad this is
just a stop over.

I can't wait to get
to off world 68.

Civilization, here
I come, honey.

I'm going to like it here.

It's pretty!

Mhm.

Where do you get
your air and light?

Girlinium.

We live rather well,
wouldn't you say so, Odessa?

Yes, Princess Angel.

Princess, where could
I find your sandbox?

You will find a
personal waste disposal

unit in fold lair three.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

We'll meet your friend
in the conversation pit.

The Vegas in Space complex
is a vast, colorful pleasure

palace, ideally suited for
the vacationing female.

There are 25 plastic beauty
bars with skilled glamour

technicians, and clothing
outlets with styles

from every time and space.

Grab Noodles.

Meet me at the fashion
pit in 15 minutes.

Shop, shop, shop.

You'd think it were her
first time on Vegas.

Our hostess, Princess
Angel, is currently

greeting a few of the--

Now tell us something
about your world.

It's so different.

Well Miss Daniels, Vegas is
the capital of Clitoris, which

is the largest and most
luxurious of all pleasure

planets of sector seven.

Our motto?

Glamour first.

Glamour last.

Glamour always.

It's a sleek new world for
today's new, improved woman.

Oh I'm sorry, we just
missed the hologram haven,

where one can experience the
effects of male stimulation

without the danger
of actual contact.

Oh, I wouldn't
believe it if I didn't

see it with my own two eyes.

But what about the economy?

What are your principal exports?

Cosmetics, mostly.

Since the legalization
of cosmetic enhancers,

our scientists have been
working nonstop in order

to keep up with demand.

Here they are, grade A
bootleg beauty boosters.

Fresh from Queen-- a
friend's personal stash.

Unfortunately a black
market has sprung up.

Now don't go pinning
that on no tourists.

Those high tech
housewives just can't

handle glamour like we can.

I heard two of them OD'd last
week down on Saturn Springs.

Oh?

Yeah.

OD.

Now beat it.

Thanks to Veneer,
our brave police,

we are assured that
this underground ring

is now under control.

Mm.

Nice.

Now arriving from Saturn,
Empress Noodles Nebula.

Noodles, darling.

Welcome to Vegas.

Did you have a pleasant flight?

Oh, it was hateful.

First my oscillator went flat.

Then my gyro stabilizer
went on the fritz.

Everything drifted
out of my purse,

was going all over the cabin.

I didn't know which way was up.

Sounds positively nightmarish.

So how are things on
Saturn since my absence?

Oh double drag honey.

Ten satellites, and each one
more boring than the last.

And the summers there?

They are the worst.

Not once did it get
above 200 below.

You poor dear.

Let's grab your bags
and hit the beach.

Oh no, honey.

No beaches for me.

This is merely a stopover.

I'm catching the next
shuttle for off world 68.

Do you mean to tell me your
not going to Nueva's tonight?

That dog show?

Honey, don't make me hurt you.

That's a tired scene.

Every year Nueva invites
every Queen in the universe,

and the only people that show up
are the same old tired people,

in brand new tired outfits.

It is a tired scene.

Nueva will be so disappointed.

She told me herself
she was so looking

forward to seeing you again.

Believe me honey, she'll live.

Besides, I want to get a look
at those showgirls from Earth.

Showgirls from Earth?

Why they're right over there.

OK?

Now you've seen them.

So, showgirls from Earth, huh?

Yes, yes we are are.

Vegas correspondent,
National Orbit.

So, how's it feel to be
finally playing Vegas?

Oh we're thrilled to be here.

I just love it.

Everything is so beautiful.

Tracey Daniels and the
showgirls from Earth, huh?

Tell you the truth,
I never heard of ya.

Well we've played every resort
spot in the outer region.

But I guess this is
our first big break.

And tell your readers
we'll do our darndest

to give the Empress's guests
a show they'll never forget.

Good luck.

Thanks.

A woman's paradise.

Vegas, I love you!

Oh my goddess, is that
Tracey and the showgirls?

Oh my goddess it is.

Oh Terrace will just die when
she finds out she missed this.

Miss Daniels?

Miss Daniels?

Yes?

Can I get your autograph?

Oh why certainly.

What's your name, dear?

It's Zorna, Zorna Virga.

Oh what a lovely name.

You mean you're going
to sign it personally?

Why certainly.

To Zorna, gratefully
Tracey Daniels.

Oh me too Tracey.

We think you're tops.

Oh of course.

Anything for you dear fans.

I wonder where Sheila is.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh not another earthquake.

[SCREAMING AND SHOUTING]

Oh my goddess.

What was that?

What was what?

The tremor we barely survived.

I didn't feel a thing.

Oh Sheila, there you are.

Are you all right?

I don't like this one bit.

Enough questions!

The Empress is waiting.

Please, follow me.

I don't like this, Captain.

Well keep your head Sheila.

Remember, the space
boy's counting on us.

Attention, shoppers.
I said attention, shoppers.

Ye Olde Antique on level three
has announced reduced prices

for the next 60 seconds
on its brand new shipment

of bean bag chairs.

The clock is ticking!

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

That way, go that way!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Welcome to Vegas in Space.

I trust you had a pleasant trip.

Thank you Princess Angel,
that will be all for now.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

The Empress Vel Crowfoot
sends her regrets for not

being here herself in person.

We ourselves of course
are so looking forward

to performing a traditional
mid-20th century lounge

act for you and
your guests tonight.

How thrilling, an oldie
worldie lounge act.

It will be a welcome distraction
from our present state

of scrambled disarray.

Our whole way of
life is in jeopardy.

We're here to help
in any way we can.

What exactly is your
problem, Empress?

I don't know.

Everything is going awry.

Where do I begin?

This planet is under
a lot of stress,

tremors, gas fires, nightmares.

No one has had a nightmare
here in decades until now.

And crime?

It's skyrocketing.

I myself am a victim
of a heinous robbery.

My Girlinium gems
have been stolen.

Gems!

All of them?

No.

I still have the most
important pieces.

But it is imperative that
we recover the others.

What is Gorillium?

That's Girlinium.

Girlinium is a
very rare crystal,

found only in the caverns of
the fourth moon of Girlinia.

They have great powers.

I use the gems to
help our planet

maintain its delicate
orbit surrounding our sun.

Since the robbery our orbit
has begun to deteriorate.

And seismic disturbances
have increased.

Quakes.

Only tremors so far.

Vegas residents and all
my intergalactic guests

believe it's a special
effect for my annual party

celebration.

Panic must be
avoided at all costs.

No one must know of
your true mission,

or of this catastrophe.

Did you call the police?

Our Queen of police,
Veneer, is a prime suspect.

She has been involved
in many shady dealings

throughout the cosmos.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Empress.

Hail, Queen Veneer.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What are these?

Listen Queen, I
know all about you.

You stole the Empress's
jewels, didn't you?

Maybe I did.

And maybe I didn't.

Cool your jets.

These showgirls from Earth
are our royal guests.

They will be performing tonight.

An animal act.

How amusing.

So you lost some
jewelry, Empress?

Some Girlinium, I surmise.

Else my dear sister
wouldn't have

sent these Three Stooges here.

You can't get back those
gems without my help.

As Queen of Clitorian police
I have a complete dossier

on everyone on this planet.

Is the thief still on Clitoris?

The thief is still
here in my very palace,

waiting to steal the remaining
Girlinium gems tonight,

at my off world slumber party.

We'd better act fast.

Under the circumstances,
I don't have

much choice but to trust you.

I am willing to ignore
my first impression.

You do impressions?

This is no time for levitation.

You're right.

Let's be women about it, and
work together on this caper.

Come on, let's go.

Where are we going?

We'll take a short
cut through the palace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

QUEEN VENEER (THROUGH
HEADSET): So what

did my sister say about me?

The same old lies
about how evil I am?

Look out for that debris.

Oh come on, we'll just
duck through here.

Nice earrings.

Thanks.

Chromo-sensitive, aren't they?

No, they change color.

Come on.

Hi.

Excuse me?

Not right now.

Can't you see I'm
watching another world?

We interrupt this program to
bring you a special Clitorian

intelligence alert.

Notorious jewel thief and
juvenile delinquent Babs Velour

has just escaped from the
Farmland Cotton Candy Farm.

Hm.

Really shocking news.

What can I do for you girls?

Does this come in my size?

You have got to be kidding.

Try the parachute
pavilion on Lair three.

Cheap, poor quality, low
class merchandise will

be especially on the lookout.

And now, future of
Velour, K, U, N TV,

returning you to Another World.

Could you recommend a good
gift for a comatose shut in?

Have you heard Princess
Angel's new record?

It's simply cosmic.

It's full of such monster dance
hits as Hey, Hey Walk This Way

and Go-Go With the Flow.

No, it's just not quite
what I had in mind.

All right you little
alien, I caught you.

Police!

Police! come here
quick, come on!

What is it, Wynetta?

Well, well, well, my
old friend, Babs Velour.

Here's that fugitive that
everybody's been talking about.

I caught her red-handed,
trying to shoplift

from this very boutique.

Fresh off the farm and up
to your old tricks, hey Babs?

You can't take me
back to that place.

I'll do anything you say.

Just don't take me back there.

I can't take it anymore.

Harvesting that gooey
cotton candy, day after day.

Some nights I couldn't
get my fingers unstuck.

It's inhumane.

Thanks, Wynetta.

Glad to help.

I won't forget this.

Hey, I'll bet
she's the one that

stole the Empress's jewels.

How did you do that?

I'll tell you about
it later, Tracey.

Come on.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh simply stunning.

It's so colorful, just
like a picture postcard.

Yes it is, from here.

What do you mean?

Well without the
color dial turned up

it's a different story.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What happened?

The atmosphere
is so thin here it

just won't hold the
color by itself,

so we use the color booster.

Can you turn it back up?

How's this work?

It has something to do with
the gyro light refractions.

It's very high tech.

You know, some planets out
here don't even have color yet.

And it's only fully
operational from here.

Geez.

So everything is fake here.

Yes, the real world
is rather colorless.

You'll see.

Where are you taking me?

Oh, to my personal complex.

It's on the dark
side of the planet.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

There?

In these shoes?

Oh, we'll just jump through
the nearest transport window.

Come on.

Come on Tracey.

Can't you keep up?

I'm trying.

Let me tell you, it isn't
easy policing paradise.

I don't know how you do it.

Somebody's got to.

Now where is that thing?

It should be around
here someplace.

They keep drifting.

Why do you live so far out?

Nobody bothers me out here.

I mean, can you imagine
those palace-bound princesses

poking their paws
outside the complex,

unless somebody tricked them?

That's why I keep the
color turned down.

Yes, I see.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Here it is.

Is it safe?

Is anything?

So how did you get
into crime fighting?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So how did you get
into crime fighting?

Well when my sister
became Empress of Earth,

I decided to go into
business for myself.

But you're the Queen of police.

Yes.

I can smuggle in
anything I want.

Contraband?

Yes.

Like to try one of these?

Drugs?

Oh, I never.

Not drugs.

What are they?

You know, beauty pills.

Oh, I don't know.

Look at you.

You're a mess.

Step into the modern age.

I want you to take
this beauty booster.

When on clitoris.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh thank you.

There now.

Doesn't that feel much better?

I never knew it
could be like this.

Yes, yes.

Anyway, to make a
long story short,

I built myself this
detention center

and called myself
Queen of police.

Nobody said a word.

Now I'm very happy.

Is there much crime here?

Only crimes of
fashion, darling.

But enough to keep me offended.

And busy.

Unfortunately there exists
a class of incorrigibles who

find it impossible to
stay within the boundaries

of acceptable taste.

These are the habitual
criminals, who are

incarcerated here permanently.

Oh I've tried reprogramming
and releasing them.

But a week later, they're picked
up looking like human garbage.

Good taste is
earned, not learned.

See for yourself.

I'm afraid to look.

It sounds fascinating.

Yet repulsive.

This one is a very sad case.

She was discovered in one of
the caverns near Nueva's palace.

Some thrill seekers
have been tormenting

her with atomic blasting caps.

I've tried nearly every form
of facial reconstruction

known to woman to no avail.

She's lost the will to heal.

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

Why do you keep
her locked up here?

For her own good.

This is a sick world, Tracey.

Who did it?

Isn't that your job?

Isn't that why you
were sent here?

Space Corps finest.

Nueva thinks I'm incompetent.

Even you think I'm guilty.

Oh now cool your jets, Queen.

I was just testing you.

I mean, I had to be sure.

Look, we're in this together.

Do you think all these
things are connected?

Of course they are.

I'm convinced only one
person is responsible.

There have been a lot
of strange occurrences

after decades of tranquility.

Arson, theft,
physical torture, it's

an awful lot of
crime for a planet

without men, Miss Daniels.

But what about that criminal
we picked up in Plaz Grove.

I wonder what she has
to say about all this.

Of course.

Little Babs Velour.

Let's give her the
third degree, shall we?

Drag!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What is it?

She?

She is a dragon head.

I discovered her one day
along the Lavender Coast,

scavenging for
something to wear.

The poor thing was a
complete mess at the time.

She only had three shoes.

I brought her home,
prettied her up a bit,

and gave her a job here,
caring for the prisoners.

Where did she come from?

What are her origins?

I don't know all of the
scientific mumbo jumbo.

That's Nueva's department.

Here, see for yourself.

Conceivably Drag's body was
frozen solid long, long ago,

during the facial age.

Then as streams and
trim spots one more

thawed to the icy atmosphere,
Drag's body thawed out.

We now know alien sperm, blue
blood cells, bone marrow cells,

even eyelash adhesive
can be brought

back to life after freezing.

This is a state similar
to cryogenic suspension.

You make it sound so simple.

Can you come up with
a better explanation?

What I've described to you
is Drag's birth, eons ago,

in an icy, frozen atmosphere.

And now, if you
please, her rebirth.

You mean women are
descended from Drags?

That's not so far-fetched.

Just take a look in the mirror.

Well there you have it.

And furthermore, blah.

Blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah.

Doesn't anything function
properly around here?

Pardon me, Tracey, while I
deal with this hopeless excuse

for a woman.

Drag, the criminal
enlarger if you please.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Neanderthal!

Oh that's right, Babs, lash out
at a poor defenseless creature

who can't even defend herself.

Stop blabbering and take
your punishment like a woman.

Whoever said you can
be Queen of police?

I said so, Miss Velour.

You've got no right.

And that's the way it is.

I'm not afraid of you,
you fascist fashion plate.

In addition to rampant
violations of the fashion code,

too numerous to mention--
-Liar!

I'm innocent.

---you have been found
guilty of participating

in the heisting of the--
-I wasn't born rich.

Neptune gems.

Don't I deserve to
have nice things, too?

To top it all off,
you've resisted

all attempts at rehabilitation
at the Cotton Candy Farm.

You can't tell me what to do.

You're not my mother.

What a capital suggestion.

Barry--

What are you doing?

You can't!

---Vector, Madeline, Velour.

No, not my mother.

God, I told her I
was at the library.

Mrs. Velour?

This is Queen Veneer down
here on Vegas in Space.

We seem to be having a
little misunderstanding

with your daughter Babs.

I think you'd better
pop right down here.

So you're the Queen.

Jeez, you've got
a nice place here.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Kind of looks like a movie set.

Welcome to the dark side
of the planet, Mrs. Velour.

Where have you been?

We've been worried sick.

Oh I could just die.

Oh, somebody find me a
crater to crawl into.

Mrs. Velour, Babs
has been incarcerated

at the Cotton Candy Farm.

Didn't you know?

She's a good girl, Queen!

You never tell me a thing.

I try.

I tell you, I try.

But ever since I bought her
that souped up star cruiser

she's broken every
law of gravity.

Normally in a case like
this you'd really get it.

Luckily for you, your mother
was home when I called.

And so I am remanding
you to her custody.

No.

Oh anything but that.

I'm giving you a
second chance, Babs.

Don't louse it up.

I'll see that she doesn't.

Things are gonna be
different around her.

No.

Thank you, Queen.

I don't care what anybody
says, you're a good woman.

Oh and Babs, if
you're going to steal,

you really ought
to steal the best.

This is definitely not the best.

How could you embarrass me like
this, in front of the police!

Dragging the good name of
Velour through the gutter.

Ah!

Drag.

Thank you dear,
that will be all.

What a spoiled brat.

Do you think she's part of
the Girlinium connection?

What?

Do you think she stole
the Empress's jewels?

No, I'm afraid not.

She's too stupid to pull
off such a grand scam.

Oh, I considered
the possibility.

But now I'm convinced
this is an inside job.

Who can it be?

I don't know.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

To tell the truth, I don't
know why I even bother.

This entire planet
is falling to pieces

right before my beautiful eyes.

And they don't care.

Nobody sweeps up
after the quakes.

The clones are running amok.

And the tourists?

They come here on
vacation and they

act like they own the place.

And Nueva?

She's a child.

A little girl playing
at being Empress.

And Vegas in Space is her toy.

Nobody appreciates
you, you poor thing.

You need a vacation, honey.

If only that were possible.

But who could take
over for me here?

Why if I turned my
back for one second

this entire planet would
be reduced to atomic dust.

These fools just
don't understand

that it's our responsibility to
show the universe the true role

of women in the cosmic order.

You're right.

Why can't they see
that life isn't just

an endless parade of pretty
dresses, happy hours,

and slumber parties?

You can't just
stumble around waiting

for your next glamor booster.

I think your planet is lovely.

And whoever would
spoil such a good time

for everyone by snatching
the Empress's gems

has got to be pretty low.

Why if I ever got
my hands on her,

I'd, I'd, I'd give
her a good talking to.

I know how you
feel, sweetheart.

But you mustn't get
yourself so worked up.

Well if you're not
happy, I'm not happy.

No, I'm afraid a vacation
is out of the question

until this case
is wrapped up, and

the Girlinium is safely
hanging around the Empress's

green neck.

Who are our prime suspects?

It must be someone
close to the Empress.

Someone above suspicion.

Someone with a mean streak.

Real she-devil.

No, an angel.

Saint Ann Margret preserve us.

We've got to get
back to the palace.

If I know her, she'll
make a play for the rest

of those big rocks tonight.

Stand back, Tracey.

I'm about to change.

Thank you, Tracey.

I couldn't have
done it without you.

Now let's get out of here,
we've not a moment to waste.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Nueva darling,
Princess Aggie here.

I only have a minute.

I can't come to your soiree.

Everything is scrambled here.

My husband Nicky has
stolen all my drag.

My bras, my panties,
and even my flat suit.

Darling it's so horrible.

Flutes filled?

Check.

Mood elevator receptacle ready?

Check.

How about the ambience control?

Ambience control set.

Let me see.

And the food?

I'm going crazy.

I can go to Spaceway today.

She is substituting Martian lady
fingers for the new frog legs.

I told you to prepare
everything in advance.

Now I'm not mad at you.

I am mad at the hors d'ouevres.

See that Princess
Angel is ready.

Dismissed.

Yes, mom.

By the way, if he
turns up at the party

wearing any of my drag,
you just have him killed.

I've had enough!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Put that down before
you blow someone away.

Oh my goddess, I almost
killed my best friend.

What is going on here?

I was just sitting there,
when all of a sudden Sheila

started screaming.

And I thought you were
that awful Queen Veneer.

Well I'm not, so calm down.

Sheila, tell me what happened.

I was dreaming.

Oh it was awful.

I've never had a nightmare
so vivid, so real.

You were there, and you
were-- oh it was awful.

Calm down.

It was just a bad
dream sequence.

Are you all right now?

Yes, I think so.

Oh my god.

Oh Debbie, how daring!

A hot coral babydoll nightie
to show off your lovely legs.

And Sheila is chic
tonight, in this filmly

floor-length magenta peignoir.

You both look so good it
almost takes my breasts away.

It's our official government
issued lounging gear.

Empress Vel thinks
of everything.

Oh, but we have to get
ready for the show now.

Oh.

Say, what's the dish on Veneer?

Oh Debbie she's
a stunning Queen.

She's really very nice.

Huh.

And honey, she didn't
take those jewels.

In fact, she gave me
something for you girls.

They're beauty pills.

I already took mine.

Try one Debbie,
they're really a trip.

Sheila?

Now take a beauty pill.
That's an order.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Stunning.

Curious.

There now.

Isn't that much better?

All right, you've had
your beauty boosters.

Now it's time for
a morale booster.

Oh no, I mean a little talk.

Captain to crew.

Man to man.

Gal to gal.

Chick to chick.

You know, us.

As you know, we have been
sent here on a vital mission.

We cannot afford to fail.

The safety of the whole universe
depends on you, and you.

And you too, Captain.

Sheila, Queen Veneer will be
at the soiree this evening.

And I'm counting on you to
give her your full cooperation.

Okie-doke.

She can count on my
full copulation too, sir.

Now Debbie, we mustn't
arouse suspicion.

So under the circumstances,
well whatever happens,

don't stop dancing.

That's how you can
best save the universe.

I have to fix my
hair, do my nails,

and get ready for the show.

We'll rendezvous onstage
at the Vanity Lounge.

Now remember, we're
showgirls from Earth,

so we don't miss our queues.

All right women,
you know what to do.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Darling.

Sweetheart.

Lovely gown.

Love you in it.

I guess this is another
planet, isn't it?

How's tricks on Uranus?

No, no darling, that's Saturn.

Yes.

That's a lovely gown.

Shame they didn't
have it in your size.

Thank you.

Oh you should see
the Vanity Lounge.

It's super.

I've put in a new antique floor.

What's it called?

Wood.

Wood.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Do you see those
Go-Go girls from Earth?

They're the secret agents.

I know.

But who told you?

Everyone.

Doesn't Nueva look lovely?

Oh yes.

She's good under stress.

Oh my, have you ever seen
so much glamour in one room?

Get those shoes.

Got them!

Don't buy glamour boosters
from Wynetta, honey.

The last time I did I got warts.

Nine planets in 20 days.

Never again.

And what about Nueva
losing her Girlinium?

We've heard do much about you.

You look fabulous.

Isn't she the
sweetest little thing?

Yes.

Hail Girlina.

She thinks she's the
hottest thing in the cosmos.

I hear she eats cobalt
balls for breakfast.

Oh my hair's a mess.

Do you know where I could
find some glamour boosters?

Oh I love the way this hormone
gas makes my nose tickle.

[GLASS BREAKING]

It's Queen Veneer.

Sorry darling, see you later.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

My head?

Your do has to go.

Many thanks.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You women are great.

How about a pizza pellet.

Pellets?

Don't you ever have any real
food on this plastic planet?

It's a crock.

They're super.

Thank you, Queen.

Just between the two-- three
of us, we're secret agents.

I used to be a man.

I have a wiener back home.

What's a wiener?

More trouble than it's worth.

I wish our jobs were important.

Sounds like you need
a career change, girl.

You know, the Space
Corps is always

looking for a few good women.

Why don't you and
your friend join up?

Oh, could we?

Of course!

As soon as we crack
this caper wide open,

you can come back
to Earth with us.

I think I'll go find
Shirelle and have her pack

some sensible wigs for the trip.

Great.

I'll stay here and keep my eyes
peeled for suspicious types.

Odessa!

Odessa!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You don't fool around, do you?

So much for fun.

Now to work.

Let's get out of here
before I have to arrest

everyone in this room.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

OK, here we are.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Go ahead, I'll make
sure no one's coming.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All clear?

Go in, I'm right behind you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Girls, girls, girlinas,
may I have your attention?

If you will walk this
way, the entertainment

is about to begin in the
Mount Venus Vanity Lounge.

[EXCITED EXCLAMATIONS]

Plenty of room for everyone.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This is the most unexceptional
room I've ever seen.

You said it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Those gems have got to
be around here some place.

You check that storage module.

But be careful,
it's wet over there.

I'll look for
secret compartments.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hurry up.

We can't afford
to be discovered.

Did you hear
about those jewels?

Those were the smallest
jewels I've ever seen.

How disappointing.

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS]

I had to speak to
the Empress herself.

Does anyone know
anything about this act?

Queens.

Queens, Empress's, and Girlinas.

The Mount Venus Vanity
Lounge is proud to present

a woman whose tastes--
talents knows of no bounds.

Direct to you from Earth,
Miss Tracey Daniels.

[APPLAUSE]

Who is this Tracey
Daniels anyway?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh the poor dear.

Does she know she
looks like that?

Don't they have
mirrors on Earth?

Oh thank you, thank you.

You're really beautiful.

And I'm so happy
to be here tonight.

Tonight we are
presenting for you

a traditional mid-20th
century lounge act.

I hope you'll enjoy it.

This act really is an antique.

I know for me, tonight
will be the most memorable

night of my shirtless career.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Pipe down you fool
you want to spring us?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Are you mad?

Do you want every Queen and
Princess at the slumber party

to know we're in here?

My face.

It's, it's alive.

Nonsense.

It's just a standard
beauty mask.

Everyone wears them here.

Now stop being
silly and get busy.

They're here.

I know it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

There's nothing over there.

Did you find anything?

[WHIMPERING]

That Princess Angel
thinks she's so clever.

And now it's traditional
to tell a joke.

Here's one I wrote on my
trip across the cosmos.

How many space queens does it
take to screw in a light bulb?

Non.

This is the 23rd century.

Nobody screws light
bulbs anymore.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

My Girlinium detector
reads negative.

She must have those
gems on her person.

That's my spot!

I'm supposed to be on stage.

Showgirls from Earth.

(SINGING) By the time I jet
to Venus, the sun's rising.

I'll read the news, all
the headlines in the dawn.

They crashed.

We're torn apart.

They say I'm dreaming
of a sweet place.

Oh send me back in outer space.

Oh well, I've got to
fly away once again.

So don't you cry,
don't you worry, yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right you, hand them over.

What were you doing in my room?

You heard what I said.

Your little game is up.

It's over.

You've been spring.

I don't know what
you're talking about,

you silly old Queen.

Besides, what would I want
with your stinky old gems?

Don't play dumb with me, Angel.

I want you to give me
back the Girlinium.

I don't have them.

And you're not
getting them back.

Angel.

No, they're mine.

And you can't have them.

Come back here.

Angel!

Leave me alone!

Come back here.

I said come back here!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) Don't you cry.

Don't you worry.

Honey please won't you
tell me where you're from?

(SINGING) Me, I'm from Metal.

Me, hail from Metal.

I'm tired.

And want to go away,
away from here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Why do you always have to ruin
it when I'm having a good time?

Just leave me alone!

Stop this nonsense or
I'll have you shipped

off to the Cotton Candy Farm.

You wouldn't like
that, would you?

No, no!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS OF HORROR]

What a smell.

It stinks in here.

Oh no, you've broken
my Princess Angel doll!

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Your Girlinium.

The planet is saved.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

So Princess Angel was fake.

I should have known.

Hm.

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Darling, you're a sweetheart
take over for me here.

Are you sure you don't mind?

Don't worry about a
thing but your skin.

The weather should be
perfect on the planet Mexico.

Make this a real vacation.

I'll hold down the fortress.

Thank you, Tracey.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh.

My sister's turning on.

Hail, Vel.

Hail, Sister.

Have fun in Mexico.

I understand you can
drink the water now.

And congratulations,
Colonel Tracey Daniels.

I'm granting your request for a
transfer effective immediately.

I'm sure you will find your
new duties as acting Queen

of Clitorian police, and
my personal Ambassadoress,

a relaxing and rewarding
tour of service.

And congratulations to
my brave young Space

Cadettes, Captain Debbie Bane,
and Major Sheila Shadows.

And welcome aboard, Privates
Odessa and Shirelle.

Hey!

All right.

I never thought we'd
be going to Earth.

What are we waiting for?

Let's go.

When you return,
I will personally

brief you on your new mission.

Good luck, women.

Hail, Empress.

Signing off.

But what about me?

(IN UNISON) Oh Jane.

[LAUGHTER]

Now let me get this straight,
no rollers in public.

No flat shoes.

And shoot on sight
anyone wearing beige.

It's been swell working
undercover with you.

You'll have a ball
sneaking around the cosmos,

poking your nose into
everyone's business.

Well, ciao, darlings.

What a woman.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]