Vegas in Space (1991) - full transcript

Three soldiers are ordered to change their sex (via a pill) and are sent on a secret mission (undercover as show girls) to the women only planet of Clitoris' capital city "Vegas in Space." Once they arrive, they must maneuver through complex politics and decadent parties, to uncover a plot to disrupt the most important pleasure planet in the Universe. Oh yeah, everyone except two of the "men" who become "women" is played by a drag queen, at least one is a dual role.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn.

Another secret mission

off to a smooth start.

Where to this time, Captain?

I hope we meet some

far outer space chicks.

I'm sick of monsters.

You'll enjoy this

destination, boys.

It's the planet Clitoris,

in the Beaver system.

Wow.

The planet of women.

The gal galaxy.

But Captain, dudes

can't go there.

It's a babes-only world.

That's one of the earliest

prefab pleasure planets.

It was put into orbit at the

beginning of the last century.

But now all those planets

are falling to pieces.

Why is the Emperess sending

us there anyway, Captain?

You'll find out all about

it from the Empress herself.

Attention, attention.

Imperial communique.

Her royal feminist,

Empress of Earth.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hail, Empress.

Oh good afternoon,

Captain Tracey.

I wanted to personally wish

you and your brave young space

Cadettes all the

luck in the universe.

What an outfit.

It is with grave concern

that I dispatch you

on yet another dangerous

secret mission.

Only this morning I received

an urgent distress signal

from the Empress

Nueva Gabor, Clitorian

ruler of the glittering resort

complex, Vegas in Space.

Something terrible

is happening there!

Something of universal

diplomatic and political

import.

Nueva is our strongest ally in

the far-flung Beaver system.

Her problem is our problem.

But Empress, according to

the articles of the Venus

Convention, no males are allowed

to touch down on Clitoris, even

in the direst emergency.

That's right, Captain.

You and your men will change

sex for this undertaking.

You will find gender

reversal pills in sick bay.

Take the pink ones now.

And save the blue

ones for your return.

Change sex?

But we only have dude clothes!

All necessary gear

is already aboard.

You will be undercover as

traditional mid-twentieth

century show girls, sent by

me to entertain at Nueva's

annual off-world slumber party.

Take care of your uniforms.

They're government property.

Sounds like a cinch.

Beware of Veneer, Queen

of the Clitorian police.

She is my sister.

But she is evil.

Good luck.

And watch out for

meteor showers.

What do you think, Captain?

She looks stunning.

Yeah, but what

about the mission?

Yeah, the mission.

Don't worry about

the mission, guys.

Come on, let's change sex.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Steve.

Mike.

Dick.

Uh Captain, you

better give me two.

I think I need them.

I don't know.

OK.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOANING AND GASPING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANING]

He evaporated in

the line of duty.

[HARPS PLAYING]

Hey.

We're really foxy chicks!

Hot dog.

You've got a great set

of knockers there, Steve.

I mean Stephanie.

I hate that name.

I'll be Debbie.

And you, you can't

be Mike anymore.

We'll call you Sheila.

And I'll just reverse my name.

Goodbye, Captain Dan Tracey.

Hello, Miss Captain

Tracey Daniels.

Will there be danger, Captain?

Will we be safe?

Is life safe, Sheila?

When do we get there?

Let's ask Jane.

Jane babe, what's happening?

Two days and seven hours at

present velocity of plus five.

We got to be there

Saturday for the party.

Jane, we need speed.

I know, let's take an ultra

space jump to sector seven.

Positions, women.

Hit it, Jane.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

No, not lost in space,

drifting aimlessly!

Stop it, stop it.

We mustn't panic.

We'll just have to fly the

USS Intercourse manually.

Manually?

But we're women!

Yes.

I know, we'll use our

feminine intuition.

Come on gals, concentrate.

Hone in on it.

Where is Vegas in Space?

Where is Vegas in Space?

[HUMMING]

There, that way.

We did it.

We're on course.

And we're on time.

We'll be there in

a couple of hours.

Here we go, into

the pink vortex,

gateway to Vegas in Space!

Oh my nails.

My hair!

Let's go touch ourselves up.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Your hair looks so soft now.

I love it.

You like my hair too, Sheila?

Yeah.

It's nice and stiff.

Sheila, your eyes!

Give me a drag.

I love your do, Debbie.

Jane, you can talk.

Well of course.

Are we there yet?

We'll be over the

city any minute.

But I've just done my hair.

We're going to crash.

Hang on.

Oh Jane.

All right.

Oh.

Well I think I'm all right.

Is my hair still pretty?

Yeah.

You lost an earring.

Welcome to Vegas in Space.

I am Princess Angel,

Vice Empress of Clitoris.

I shall escort you

personally to the Empress

Nueva Gabor's house.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm so glad you had

a safe touch down.

Please, follow me.

Walk this way.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Shirelle, please see

to it that our guest's

sleeping quarters are in order.

You mean that tacky little

rat hole in the basement?

Please, allow me to apologize

for this rude display.

Shirelle, do as I ask.

Yes Princess Angel.

Follow me, please.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Behold, Vegas in Space.

An oasis of glamor in a

universe of mediocrity.

I can think of worse

places to spend a vacation.

Here comes Empress

Nebula's star cruiser now.

Really?

How can you tell?

Observe how she's driving.

I'd know that old space

bucket of solenoids anywhere.

Oh there's that galaxy.

Oh she's with that piss

yellow Princess Jaundice.

Oh, I think they saw me.

Hi Noodles.

Oh hi honey.

Hi, how you doing?

Oh now I've got to stop

for those two tired queens.

If I could just find

me a place to park.

[WOMEN HUMMING]

Oh honey this

place is so crowded

with that tired tourist

trade, you can't even

find a place to park.

Oh there's a spot

right over here.

[WOMEN HUMMING]

Why you son of a banoozian dog.

Honey, oh Martians should

not be allowed to drive.

Where did you get

your driver's license?

Plaz World?

I'll bet you stole

that star cruiser.

I'm so glad this is

just a stop over.

I can't wait to get

to off world 68.

Civilization, here

I come, honey.

I'm going to like it here.

It's pretty!

Mhm.

Where do you get

your air and light?

Girlinium.

We live rather well,

wouldn't you say so, Odessa?

Yes, Princess Angel.

Princess, where could

I find your sandbox?

You will find a

personal waste disposal

unit in fold lair three.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

We'll meet your friend

in the conversation pit.

The Vegas in Space complex

is a vast, colorful pleasure

palace, ideally suited for

the vacationing female.

There are 25 plastic beauty

bars with skilled glamour

technicians, and clothing

outlets with styles

from every time and space.

Grab Noodles.

Meet me at the fashion

pit in 15 minutes.

Shop, shop, shop.

You'd think it were her

first time on Vegas.

Our hostess, Princess

Angel, is currently

greeting a few of the--

Now tell us something

about your world.

It's so different.

Well Miss Daniels, Vegas is

the capital of Clitoris, which

is the largest and most

luxurious of all pleasure

planets of sector seven.

Our motto?

Glamour first.

Glamour last.

Glamour always.

It's a sleek new world for

today's new, improved woman.

Oh I'm sorry, we just

missed the hologram haven,

where one can experience the

effects of male stimulation

without the danger

of actual contact.

Oh, I wouldn't

believe it if I didn't

see it with my own two eyes.

But what about the economy?

What are your principal exports?

Cosmetics, mostly.

Since the legalization

of cosmetic enhancers,

our scientists have been

working nonstop in order

to keep up with demand.

Here they are, grade A

bootleg beauty boosters.

Fresh from Queen-- a

friend's personal stash.

Unfortunately a black

market has sprung up.

Now don't go pinning

that on no tourists.

Those high tech

housewives just can't

handle glamour like we can.

I heard two of them OD'd last

week down on Saturn Springs.

Oh?

Yeah.

OD.

Now beat it.

Thanks to Veneer,

our brave police,

we are assured that

this underground ring

is now under control.

Mm.

Nice.

Now arriving from Saturn,

Empress Noodles Nebula.

Noodles, darling.

Welcome to Vegas.

Did you have a pleasant flight?

Oh, it was hateful.

First my oscillator went flat.

Then my gyro stabilizer

went on the fritz.

Everything drifted

out of my purse,

was going all over the cabin.

I didn't know which way was up.

Sounds positively nightmarish.

So how are things on

Saturn since my absence?

Oh double drag honey.

Ten satellites, and each one

more boring than the last.

And the summers there?

They are the worst.

Not once did it get

above 200 below.

You poor dear.

Let's grab your bags

and hit the beach.

Oh no, honey.

No beaches for me.

This is merely a stopover.

I'm catching the next

shuttle for off world 68.

Do you mean to tell me your

not going to Nueva's tonight?

That dog show?

Honey, don't make me hurt you.

That's a tired scene.

Every year Nueva invites

every Queen in the universe,

and the only people that show up

are the same old tired people,

in brand new tired outfits.

It is a tired scene.

Nueva will be so disappointed.

She told me herself

she was so looking

forward to seeing you again.

Believe me honey, she'll live.

Besides, I want to get a look

at those showgirls from Earth.

Showgirls from Earth?

Why they're right over there.

OK?

Now you've seen them.

So, showgirls from Earth, huh?

Yes, yes we are are.

Vegas correspondent,

National Orbit.

So, how's it feel to be

finally playing Vegas?

Oh we're thrilled to be here.

I just love it.

Everything is so beautiful.

Tracey Daniels and the

showgirls from Earth, huh?

Tell you the truth,

I never heard of ya.

Well we've played every resort

spot in the outer region.

But I guess this is

our first big break.

And tell your readers

we'll do our darndest

to give the Empress's guests

a show they'll never forget.

Good luck.

Thanks.

A woman's paradise.

Vegas, I love you!

Oh my goddess, is that

Tracey and the showgirls?

Oh my goddess it is.

Oh Terrace will just die when

she finds out she missed this.

Miss Daniels?

Miss Daniels?

Yes?

Can I get your autograph?

Oh why certainly.

What's your name, dear?

It's Zorna, Zorna Virga.

Oh what a lovely name.

You mean you're going

to sign it personally?

Why certainly.

To Zorna, gratefully

Tracey Daniels.

Oh me too Tracey.

We think you're tops.

Oh of course.

Anything for you dear fans.

I wonder where Sheila is.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh not another earthquake.

[SCREAMING AND SHOUTING]

Oh my goddess.

What was that?

What was what?

The tremor we barely survived.

I didn't feel a thing.

Oh Sheila, there you are.

Are you all right?

I don't like this one bit.

Enough questions!

The Empress is waiting.

Please, follow me.

I don't like this, Captain.

Well keep your head Sheila.

Remember, the space

boy's counting on us.

Attention, shoppers.

I said attention, shoppers.

Ye Olde Antique on level three

has announced reduced prices

for the next 60 seconds

on its brand new shipment

of bean bag chairs.

The clock is ticking!

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

That way, go that way!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Welcome to Vegas in Space.

I trust you had a pleasant trip.

Thank you Princess Angel,

that will be all for now.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

The Empress Vel Crowfoot

sends her regrets for not

being here herself in person.

We ourselves of course

are so looking forward

to performing a traditional

mid-20th century lounge

act for you and

your guests tonight.

How thrilling, an oldie

worldie lounge act.

It will be a welcome distraction

from our present state

of scrambled disarray.

Our whole way of

life is in jeopardy.

We're here to help

in any way we can.

What exactly is your

problem, Empress?

I don't know.

Everything is going awry.

Where do I begin?

This planet is under

a lot of stress,

tremors, gas fires, nightmares.

No one has had a nightmare

here in decades until now.

And crime?

It's skyrocketing.

I myself am a victim

of a heinous robbery.

My Girlinium gems

have been stolen.

Gems!

All of them?

No.

I still have the most

important pieces.

But it is imperative that

we recover the others.

What is Gorillium?

That's Girlinium.

Girlinium is a

very rare crystal,

found only in the caverns of

the fourth moon of Girlinia.

They have great powers.

I use the gems to

help our planet

maintain its delicate

orbit surrounding our sun.

Since the robbery our orbit

has begun to deteriorate.

And seismic disturbances

have increased.

Quakes.

Only tremors so far.

Vegas residents and all

my intergalactic guests

believe it's a special

effect for my annual party

celebration.

Panic must be

avoided at all costs.

No one must know of

your true mission,

or of this catastrophe.

Did you call the police?

Our Queen of police,

Veneer, is a prime suspect.

She has been involved

in many shady dealings

throughout the cosmos.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Empress.

Hail, Queen Veneer.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What are these?

Listen Queen, I

know all about you.

You stole the Empress's

jewels, didn't you?

Maybe I did.

And maybe I didn't.

Cool your jets.

These showgirls from Earth

are our royal guests.

They will be performing tonight.

An animal act.

How amusing.

So you lost some

jewelry, Empress?

Some Girlinium, I surmise.

Else my dear sister

wouldn't have

sent these Three Stooges here.

You can't get back those

gems without my help.

As Queen of Clitorian police

I have a complete dossier

on everyone on this planet.

Is the thief still on Clitoris?

The thief is still

here in my very palace,

waiting to steal the remaining

Girlinium gems tonight,

at my off world slumber party.

We'd better act fast.

Under the circumstances,

I don't have

much choice but to trust you.

I am willing to ignore

my first impression.

You do impressions?

This is no time for levitation.

You're right.

Let's be women about it, and

work together on this caper.

Come on, let's go.

Where are we going?

We'll take a short

cut through the palace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

QUEEN VENEER (THROUGH

HEADSET): So what

did my sister say about me?

The same old lies

about how evil I am?

Look out for that debris.

Oh come on, we'll just

duck through here.

Nice earrings.

Thanks.

Chromo-sensitive, aren't they?

No, they change color.

Come on.

Hi.

Excuse me?

Not right now.

Can't you see I'm

watching another world?

We interrupt this program to

bring you a special Clitorian

intelligence alert.

Notorious jewel thief and

juvenile delinquent Babs Velour

has just escaped from the

Farmland Cotton Candy Farm.

Hm.

Really shocking news.

What can I do for you girls?

Does this come in my size?

You have got to be kidding.

Try the parachute

pavilion on Lair three.

Cheap, poor quality, low

class merchandise will

be especially on the lookout.

And now, future of

Velour, K, U, N TV,

returning you to Another World.

Could you recommend a good

gift for a comatose shut in?

Have you heard Princess

Angel's new record?

It's simply cosmic.

It's full of such monster dance

hits as Hey, Hey Walk This Way

and Go-Go With the Flow.

No, it's just not quite

what I had in mind.

All right you little

alien, I caught you.

Police!

Police! come here

quick, come on!

What is it, Wynetta?

Well, well, well, my

old friend, Babs Velour.

Here's that fugitive that

everybody's been talking about.

I caught her red-handed,

trying to shoplift

from this very boutique.

Fresh off the farm and up

to your old tricks, hey Babs?

You can't take me

back to that place.

I'll do anything you say.

Just don't take me back there.

I can't take it anymore.

Harvesting that gooey

cotton candy, day after day.

Some nights I couldn't

get my fingers unstuck.

It's inhumane.

Thanks, Wynetta.

Glad to help.

I won't forget this.

Hey, I'll bet

she's the one that

stole the Empress's jewels.

How did you do that?

I'll tell you about

it later, Tracey.

Come on.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh simply stunning.

It's so colorful, just

like a picture postcard.

Yes it is, from here.

What do you mean?

Well without the

color dial turned up

it's a different story.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What happened?

The atmosphere

is so thin here it

just won't hold the

color by itself,

so we use the color booster.

Can you turn it back up?

How's this work?

It has something to do with

the gyro light refractions.

It's very high tech.

You know, some planets out

here don't even have color yet.

And it's only fully

operational from here.

Geez.

So everything is fake here.

Yes, the real world

is rather colorless.

You'll see.

Where are you taking me?

Oh, to my personal complex.

It's on the dark

side of the planet.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

There?

In these shoes?

Oh, we'll just jump through

the nearest transport window.

Come on.

Come on Tracey.

Can't you keep up?

I'm trying.

Let me tell you, it isn't

easy policing paradise.

I don't know how you do it.

Somebody's got to.

Now where is that thing?

It should be around

here someplace.

They keep drifting.

Why do you live so far out?

Nobody bothers me out here.

I mean, can you imagine

those palace-bound princesses

poking their paws

outside the complex,

unless somebody tricked them?

That's why I keep the

color turned down.

Yes, I see.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Here it is.

Is it safe?

Is anything?

So how did you get

into crime fighting?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So how did you get

into crime fighting?

Well when my sister

became Empress of Earth,

I decided to go into

business for myself.

But you're the Queen of police.

Yes.

I can smuggle in

anything I want.

Contraband?

Yes.

Like to try one of these?

Drugs?

Oh, I never.

Not drugs.

What are they?

You know, beauty pills.

Oh, I don't know.

Look at you.

You're a mess.

Step into the modern age.

I want you to take

this beauty booster.

When on clitoris.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh thank you.

There now.

Doesn't that feel much better?

I never knew it

could be like this.

Yes, yes.

Anyway, to make a

long story short,

I built myself this

detention center

and called myself

Queen of police.

Nobody said a word.

Now I'm very happy.

Is there much crime here?

Only crimes of

fashion, darling.

But enough to keep me offended.

And busy.

Unfortunately there exists

a class of incorrigibles who

find it impossible to

stay within the boundaries

of acceptable taste.

These are the habitual

criminals, who are

incarcerated here permanently.

Oh I've tried reprogramming

and releasing them.

But a week later, they're picked

up looking like human garbage.

Good taste is

earned, not learned.

See for yourself.

I'm afraid to look.

It sounds fascinating.

Yet repulsive.

This one is a very sad case.

She was discovered in one of

the caverns near Nueva's palace.

Some thrill seekers

have been tormenting

her with atomic blasting caps.

I've tried nearly every form

of facial reconstruction

known to woman to no avail.

She's lost the will to heal.

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

Why do you keep

her locked up here?

For her own good.

This is a sick world, Tracey.

Who did it?

Isn't that your job?

Isn't that why you

were sent here?

Space Corps finest.

Nueva thinks I'm incompetent.

Even you think I'm guilty.

Oh now cool your jets, Queen.

I was just testing you.

I mean, I had to be sure.

Look, we're in this together.

Do you think all these

things are connected?

Of course they are.

I'm convinced only one

person is responsible.

There have been a lot

of strange occurrences

after decades of tranquility.

Arson, theft,

physical torture, it's

an awful lot of

crime for a planet

without men, Miss Daniels.

But what about that criminal

we picked up in Plaz Grove.

I wonder what she has

to say about all this.

Of course.

Little Babs Velour.

Let's give her the

third degree, shall we?

Drag!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What is it?

She?

She is a dragon head.

I discovered her one day

along the Lavender Coast,

scavenging for

something to wear.

The poor thing was a

complete mess at the time.

She only had three shoes.

I brought her home,

prettied her up a bit,

and gave her a job here,

caring for the prisoners.

Where did she come from?

What are her origins?

I don't know all of the

scientific mumbo jumbo.

That's Nueva's department.

Here, see for yourself.

Conceivably Drag's body was

frozen solid long, long ago,

during the facial age.

Then as streams and

trim spots one more

thawed to the icy atmosphere,

Drag's body thawed out.

We now know alien sperm, blue

blood cells, bone marrow cells,

even eyelash adhesive

can be brought

back to life after freezing.

This is a state similar

to cryogenic suspension.

You make it sound so simple.

Can you come up with

a better explanation?

What I've described to you

is Drag's birth, eons ago,

in an icy, frozen atmosphere.

And now, if you

please, her rebirth.

You mean women are

descended from Drags?

That's not so far-fetched.

Just take a look in the mirror.

Well there you have it.

And furthermore, blah.

Blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah.

Doesn't anything function

properly around here?

Pardon me, Tracey, while I

deal with this hopeless excuse

for a woman.

Drag, the criminal

enlarger if you please.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Neanderthal!

Oh that's right, Babs, lash out

at a poor defenseless creature

who can't even defend herself.

Stop blabbering and take

your punishment like a woman.

Whoever said you can

be Queen of police?

I said so, Miss Velour.

You've got no right.

And that's the way it is.

I'm not afraid of you,

you fascist fashion plate.

In addition to rampant

violations of the fashion code,

too numerous to mention--

-Liar!

I'm innocent.

---you have been found

guilty of participating

in the heisting of the--

-I wasn't born rich.

Neptune gems.

Don't I deserve to

have nice things, too?

To top it all off,

you've resisted

all attempts at rehabilitation

at the Cotton Candy Farm.

You can't tell me what to do.

You're not my mother.

What a capital suggestion.

Barry--

What are you doing?

You can't!

---Vector, Madeline, Velour.

No, not my mother.

God, I told her I

was at the library.

Mrs. Velour?

This is Queen Veneer down

here on Vegas in Space.

We seem to be having a

little misunderstanding

with your daughter Babs.

I think you'd better

pop right down here.

So you're the Queen.

Jeez, you've got

a nice place here.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Kind of looks like a movie set.

Welcome to the dark side

of the planet, Mrs. Velour.

Where have you been?

We've been worried sick.

Oh I could just die.

Oh, somebody find me a

crater to crawl into.

Mrs. Velour, Babs

has been incarcerated

at the Cotton Candy Farm.

Didn't you know?

She's a good girl, Queen!

You never tell me a thing.

I try.

I tell you, I try.

But ever since I bought her

that souped up star cruiser

she's broken every

law of gravity.

Normally in a case like

this you'd really get it.

Luckily for you, your mother

was home when I called.

And so I am remanding

you to her custody.

No.

Oh anything but that.

I'm giving you a

second chance, Babs.

Don't louse it up.

I'll see that she doesn't.

Things are gonna be

different around her.

No.

Thank you, Queen.

I don't care what anybody

says, you're a good woman.

Oh and Babs, if

you're going to steal,

you really ought

to steal the best.

This is definitely not the best.

How could you embarrass me like

this, in front of the police!

Dragging the good name of

Velour through the gutter.

Ah!

Drag.

Thank you dear,

that will be all.

What a spoiled brat.

Do you think she's part of

the Girlinium connection?

What?

Do you think she stole

the Empress's jewels?

No, I'm afraid not.

She's too stupid to pull

off such a grand scam.

Oh, I considered

the possibility.

But now I'm convinced

this is an inside job.

Who can it be?

I don't know.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

To tell the truth, I don't

know why I even bother.

This entire planet

is falling to pieces

right before my beautiful eyes.

And they don't care.

Nobody sweeps up

after the quakes.

The clones are running amok.

And the tourists?

They come here on

vacation and they

act like they own the place.

And Nueva?

She's a child.

A little girl playing

at being Empress.

And Vegas in Space is her toy.

Nobody appreciates

you, you poor thing.

You need a vacation, honey.

If only that were possible.

But who could take

over for me here?

Why if I turned my

back for one second

this entire planet would

be reduced to atomic dust.

These fools just

don't understand

that it's our responsibility to

show the universe the true role

of women in the cosmic order.

You're right.

Why can't they see

that life isn't just

an endless parade of pretty

dresses, happy hours,

and slumber parties?

You can't just

stumble around waiting

for your next glamor booster.

I think your planet is lovely.

And whoever would

spoil such a good time

for everyone by snatching

the Empress's gems

has got to be pretty low.

Why if I ever got

my hands on her,

I'd, I'd, I'd give

her a good talking to.

I know how you

feel, sweetheart.

But you mustn't get

yourself so worked up.

Well if you're not

happy, I'm not happy.

No, I'm afraid a vacation

is out of the question

until this case

is wrapped up, and

the Girlinium is safely

hanging around the Empress's

green neck.

Who are our prime suspects?

It must be someone

close to the Empress.

Someone above suspicion.

Someone with a mean streak.

Real she-devil.

No, an angel.

Saint Ann Margret preserve us.

We've got to get

back to the palace.

If I know her, she'll

make a play for the rest

of those big rocks tonight.

Stand back, Tracey.

I'm about to change.

Thank you, Tracey.

I couldn't have

done it without you.

Now let's get out of here,

we've not a moment to waste.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Nueva darling,

Princess Aggie here.

I only have a minute.

I can't come to your soiree.

Everything is scrambled here.

My husband Nicky has

stolen all my drag.

My bras, my panties,

and even my flat suit.

Darling it's so horrible.

Flutes filled?

Check.

Mood elevator receptacle ready?

Check.

How about the ambience control?

Ambience control set.

Let me see.

And the food?

I'm going crazy.

I can go to Spaceway today.

She is substituting Martian lady

fingers for the new frog legs.

I told you to prepare

everything in advance.

Now I'm not mad at you.

I am mad at the hors d'ouevres.

See that Princess

Angel is ready.

Dismissed.

Yes, mom.

By the way, if he

turns up at the party

wearing any of my drag,

you just have him killed.

I've had enough!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Put that down before

you blow someone away.

Oh my goddess, I almost

killed my best friend.

What is going on here?

I was just sitting there,

when all of a sudden Sheila

started screaming.

And I thought you were

that awful Queen Veneer.

Well I'm not, so calm down.

Sheila, tell me what happened.

I was dreaming.

Oh it was awful.

I've never had a nightmare

so vivid, so real.

You were there, and you

were-- oh it was awful.

Calm down.

It was just a bad

dream sequence.

Are you all right now?

Yes, I think so.

Oh my god.

Oh Debbie, how daring!

A hot coral babydoll nightie

to show off your lovely legs.

And Sheila is chic

tonight, in this filmly

floor-length magenta peignoir.

You both look so good it

almost takes my breasts away.

It's our official government

issued lounging gear.

Empress Vel thinks

of everything.

Oh, but we have to get

ready for the show now.

Oh.

Say, what's the dish on Veneer?

Oh Debbie she's

a stunning Queen.

She's really very nice.

Huh.

And honey, she didn't

take those jewels.

In fact, she gave me

something for you girls.

They're beauty pills.

I already took mine.

Try one Debbie,

they're really a trip.

Sheila?

Now take a beauty pill.

That's an order.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Stunning.

Curious.

There now.

Isn't that much better?

All right, you've had

your beauty boosters.

Now it's time for

a morale booster.

Oh no, I mean a little talk.

Captain to crew.

Man to man.

Gal to gal.

Chick to chick.

You know, us.

As you know, we have been

sent here on a vital mission.

We cannot afford to fail.

The safety of the whole universe

depends on you, and you.

And you too, Captain.

Sheila, Queen Veneer will be

at the soiree this evening.

And I'm counting on you to

give her your full cooperation.

Okie-doke.

She can count on my

full copulation too, sir.

Now Debbie, we mustn't

arouse suspicion.

So under the circumstances,

well whatever happens,

don't stop dancing.

That's how you can

best save the universe.

I have to fix my

hair, do my nails,

and get ready for the show.

We'll rendezvous onstage

at the Vanity Lounge.

Now remember, we're

showgirls from Earth,

so we don't miss our queues.

All right women,

you know what to do.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Darling.

Sweetheart.

Lovely gown.

Love you in it.

I guess this is another

planet, isn't it?

How's tricks on Uranus?

No, no darling, that's Saturn.

Yes.

That's a lovely gown.

Shame they didn't

have it in your size.

Thank you.

Oh you should see

the Vanity Lounge.

It's super.

I've put in a new antique floor.

What's it called?

Wood.

Wood.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Do you see those

Go-Go girls from Earth?

They're the secret agents.

I know.

But who told you?

Everyone.

Doesn't Nueva look lovely?

Oh yes.

She's good under stress.

Oh my, have you ever seen

so much glamour in one room?

Get those shoes.

Got them!

Don't buy glamour boosters

from Wynetta, honey.

The last time I did I got warts.

Nine planets in 20 days.

Never again.

And what about Nueva

losing her Girlinium?

We've heard do much about you.

You look fabulous.

Isn't she the

sweetest little thing?

Yes.

Hail Girlina.

She thinks she's the

hottest thing in the cosmos.

I hear she eats cobalt

balls for breakfast.

Oh my hair's a mess.

Do you know where I could

find some glamour boosters?

Oh I love the way this hormone

gas makes my nose tickle.

[GLASS BREAKING]

It's Queen Veneer.

Sorry darling, see you later.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

My head?

Your do has to go.

Many thanks.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You women are great.

How about a pizza pellet.

Pellets?

Don't you ever have any real

food on this plastic planet?

It's a crock.

They're super.

Thank you, Queen.

Just between the two-- three

of us, we're secret agents.

I used to be a man.

I have a wiener back home.

What's a wiener?

More trouble than it's worth.

I wish our jobs were important.

Sounds like you need

a career change, girl.

You know, the Space

Corps is always

looking for a few good women.

Why don't you and

your friend join up?

Oh, could we?

Of course!

As soon as we crack

this caper wide open,

you can come back

to Earth with us.

I think I'll go find

Shirelle and have her pack

some sensible wigs for the trip.

Great.

I'll stay here and keep my eyes

peeled for suspicious types.

Odessa!

Odessa!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You don't fool around, do you?

So much for fun.

Now to work.

Let's get out of here

before I have to arrest

everyone in this room.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

OK, here we are.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Go ahead, I'll make

sure no one's coming.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All clear?

Go in, I'm right behind you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Girls, girls, girlinas,

may I have your attention?

If you will walk this

way, the entertainment

is about to begin in the

Mount Venus Vanity Lounge.

[EXCITED EXCLAMATIONS]

Plenty of room for everyone.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This is the most unexceptional

room I've ever seen.

You said it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Those gems have got to

be around here some place.

You check that storage module.

But be careful,

it's wet over there.

I'll look for

secret compartments.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hurry up.

We can't afford

to be discovered.

Did you hear

about those jewels?

Those were the smallest

jewels I've ever seen.

How disappointing.

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS]

I had to speak to

the Empress herself.

Does anyone know

anything about this act?

Queens.

Queens, Empress's, and Girlinas.

The Mount Venus Vanity

Lounge is proud to present

a woman whose tastes--

talents knows of no bounds.

Direct to you from Earth,

Miss Tracey Daniels.

[APPLAUSE]

Who is this Tracey

Daniels anyway?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh the poor dear.

Does she know she

looks like that?

Don't they have

mirrors on Earth?

Oh thank you, thank you.

You're really beautiful.

And I'm so happy

to be here tonight.

Tonight we are

presenting for you

a traditional mid-20th

century lounge act.

I hope you'll enjoy it.

This act really is an antique.

I know for me, tonight

will be the most memorable

night of my shirtless career.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Pipe down you fool

you want to spring us?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Are you mad?

Do you want every Queen and

Princess at the slumber party

to know we're in here?

My face.

It's, it's alive.

Nonsense.

It's just a standard

beauty mask.

Everyone wears them here.

Now stop being

silly and get busy.

They're here.

I know it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

There's nothing over there.

Did you find anything?

[WHIMPERING]

That Princess Angel

thinks she's so clever.

And now it's traditional

to tell a joke.

Here's one I wrote on my

trip across the cosmos.

How many space queens does it

take to screw in a light bulb?

Non.

This is the 23rd century.

Nobody screws light

bulbs anymore.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

My Girlinium detector

reads negative.

She must have those

gems on her person.

That's my spot!

I'm supposed to be on stage.

Showgirls from Earth.

(SINGING) By the time I jet

to Venus, the sun's rising.

I'll read the news, all

the headlines in the dawn.

They crashed.

We're torn apart.

They say I'm dreaming

of a sweet place.

Oh send me back in outer space.

Oh well, I've got to

fly away once again.

So don't you cry,

don't you worry, yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right you, hand them over.

What were you doing in my room?

You heard what I said.

Your little game is up.

It's over.

You've been spring.

I don't know what

you're talking about,

you silly old Queen.

Besides, what would I want

with your stinky old gems?

Don't play dumb with me, Angel.

I want you to give me

back the Girlinium.

I don't have them.

And you're not

getting them back.

Angel.

No, they're mine.

And you can't have them.

Come back here.

Angel!

Leave me alone!

Come back here.

I said come back here!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) Don't you cry.

Don't you worry.

Honey please won't you

tell me where you're from?

(SINGING) Me, I'm from Metal.

Me, hail from Metal.

I'm tired.

And want to go away,

away from here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Why do you always have to ruin

it when I'm having a good time?

Just leave me alone!

Stop this nonsense or

I'll have you shipped

off to the Cotton Candy Farm.

You wouldn't like

that, would you?

No, no!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS OF HORROR]

What a smell.

It stinks in here.

Oh no, you've broken

my Princess Angel doll!

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Your Girlinium.

The planet is saved.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

So Princess Angel was fake.

I should have known.

Hm.

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Darling, you're a sweetheart

take over for me here.

Are you sure you don't mind?

Don't worry about a

thing but your skin.

The weather should be

perfect on the planet Mexico.

Make this a real vacation.

I'll hold down the fortress.

Thank you, Tracey.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh.

My sister's turning on.

Hail, Vel.

Hail, Sister.

Have fun in Mexico.

I understand you can

drink the water now.

And congratulations,

Colonel Tracey Daniels.

I'm granting your request for a

transfer effective immediately.

I'm sure you will find your

new duties as acting Queen

of Clitorian police, and

my personal Ambassadoress,

a relaxing and rewarding

tour of service.

And congratulations to

my brave young Space

Cadettes, Captain Debbie Bane,

and Major Sheila Shadows.

And welcome aboard, Privates

Odessa and Shirelle.

Hey!

All right.

I never thought we'd

be going to Earth.

What are we waiting for?

Let's go.

When you return,

I will personally

brief you on your new mission.

Good luck, women.

Hail, Empress.

Signing off.

But what about me?

(IN UNISON) Oh Jane.

[LAUGHTER]

Now let me get this straight,

no rollers in public.

No flat shoes.

And shoot on sight

anyone wearing beige.

It's been swell working

undercover with you.

You'll have a ball

sneaking around the cosmos,

poking your nose into

everyone's business.

Well, ciao, darlings.

What a woman.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]