Vanilla (2019) - full transcript

A freewheeling comedian determined to save her family business invites an uptight entrepreneur on a road trip to sell a van with a complicated history. Romance ignites on their three day ...

Just this.

It's $4,
cash only please.

- Here you are. Thank you.
- Have a nice day.

You too.

Hey, excuse me.

Would you like to sign
a petition to support

women's reproductive health?

Uh, yeah, yeah, for sure.

- Thank you.
- Absolutely.

I think what you guys
are doing is, um, is great.

Thank you, yeah, every
signature brings us closer

to guaranteeing our rights.

- I mean, that's very important. There you go.
- Yeah.

Would you like to make donation?

Oh, um, I, um,
don't have any cash...

- Okay. You can also make a donation online.
- ...right now, sorry.

- Okay, great, I'll do that. I'll pay online.
- Okay.

- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.

Elliot, your app
is confusing and not fun,

and I'm... bored.

This, this is fun.

It wasn't fun.

I felt like I was
buying car insurance

or making an appointment
with an auditor.

But mobile ordering and
delivery is the future.

If I give you a free cone...

will you shut
the fuck up about your app?

Okay and how much for
a full redesign of the app?

What about equity? I could
compensate you in equity.

You know, Amazon,
they started with books.

Ice cream is our books.

Yeah, I know your newborn
baby cannot eat equity.

Maybe I am the next Jeff Bezos.

Well, uh, it's a bit more
than I wanted to spend,

but it looks like
a pretty great van.

I mean, it, it really is.

I haven't lived in it,
but you definitely could.

I'm getting married,
so we're thinking

of saying fuck it, you know?

Leave the system,
opt out, get off the grid.

- I, to... totally.
- We got each other, what else do you need?

I totally, I, I, I,
I feel that, man.

I feel that.

Ah. Uh, let me know if you have

any questions, okay?

Yeah, no questions. I'm good.

- Oh, I'm going to check this out.
- Hey, Mom.

Karen's a total bitch.

Why are you still
hanging out with Karen?

- Because she texts me.
- Okay.

So, we're having this nice
iced tea and she starts making

all these comments about
Fernando, how he's so young.

I mean, he, he is young.

Well... you can't judge

a person on a single trait.

You have to get to know them.

Plus he's very mature.

I think she doesn't
like him because

he's Latin and he sells me weed.

Don't you mean Latino
or, or maybe Hispanic?

I don't know what I mean,
except that he has

a very nice shave, all
his skin and no body hair.

Well, he sounds great.

Are you going
to Cedric's wedding?

People meet people at weddings.

I have a failing
business right now,

and I live in
a shitty apartment, so.

I'm not exactly a catch.

Well, I think you're a catch.

How's your money?

I'm figuring it out.

Let me send you some money.

Mom, I'm fine, I got to go.

- I love you.
- I love you, bye.

Was that your girlfriend you were talking to?

Uh, so, what do you think?

You know what, I think
I'm going to take it.

Really, great,
it's a, it's a great van.

- Yup, here you go.
- Thank you, the paperwork's right there.

Ble... bless you.

Woo, they come in threes for me.

Have you ever had
a, a cat in the van?

Yeah, my ex used to cat sit.

Got it.


I think I'll be fine though.
I think everything'll work...

Ah, I want the van.

You see?

Now I'm fine.

- Hello.
- Hey, how you doing?

Can I get a cheese slice?

- Yes.
- Great.

Ooh, thanks.

Here's a tip,
don't cheat on your wife.

- That was a joke.
- Okay.

What does an orgy host
say at the end of the night?

Thank you all for coming.

Oh, you know what?
I think I'm just going

to take this to go.

What about on thanksgiving?

I'm thankful you all came!

- I'm thankful I'm leaving.
- I couldn't have eaten

all of this alone!

What the fuck was that?

I am practicing my material.

- I told you not to test your jokes on the customers.
- But why?

Mostly because
they're not funny.

Orgy one liners, come on.

I need the practice.

No, what you need
is better material.

Sorry I'm not finding
mountains of

comedic inspiration
serving pizza all day.

Okay, first of all,
pizza's hilarious.

It's round, that's a funny
shape for a food.

- Mm-hm.
- You eat it with your hands,

that's very funny. You, you
could use all this if you want.


But also, I think you should
go out and experience things,

get material that way.

Fuck somebody weird,
I don't know.

Are you a life coach?

Did you sweep under the fridge?

- Yes.
- Today?

- No.
- Yo, come on, you got to do that every day, twice a day,

otherwise we get rats.

It's like a goddamn rat
buffet of croutons under there.

Don't think just because you're
my ex-niece I won't fire your ass.

I still don't think
ex-niece is the right term.

I don't have time to say
my ex-wife's sister's

daughter all the time.

- Here.
- For the van?

Yeah, it's all we got so
make sure you get a good deal.

- Okay.
- Make sure it runs,

and make sure
it's got bucket seats.

Isaac loves the bucket seats.

Buying your stepson's love
with the catering van?

- Right. Okay, I'll be in the back.
- Got it.

No more jokes and sweep!

I will sweep!

♪ Sweep Caroline buh, buh, buh ♪

It has
new brake pads, too.

You are the first person
to get underneath it like that.

If the chassis is bent,

you might as well
buy a Slayer album.

- I don't get it.
- Because all you'll be getting

is a piece of shit heavy metal.


How many times
did you have sex in it?

Uh, hundreds if not thousands.

Good answer.

Did you use protection?

It was an exclusive

and she had an IUD.


What do you think?

All this new brake pad
and IUD talk is great,

but it's a used vehicle,
so I can only be so sure.

What's in the bag?

Oh, uh, gym clothes.

That's my gym.

Does your workout
shirt have sleeves?


- Do you wear tights?
- In the winter,

but I wear shorts
over the tights.

Trust me, it is a great van.

- You like jokes?
- Yes, I like jokes.

- Okay, I'll take it.
- Great.

On two conditions. First one:

if I'm not completely
satisfied in two days,

I can bring the van back.

What's the second condition?

I get the book.

I can't, it's sentimental.

Okay, no deal.

- Fine, take the book.
- Yes!

And now that we've
finished our business,

I was thinking
we could grab a drink.

Ugh, grab a drink. We might as
well email each other resumes.

Uh, all right,
yeah, email it is.

Enjoy the van.

Enjoy your cardio, Elliot.

Ice cream on demand.

I like that.

So I just hit which button?

Uh, the top button.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
This seems really neat,

but I, you know, high-tech
isn't our brand or anything.

Uh, it's just tech.

- Huh?
- It's, it's just tech, you don't have to say high-tech.

This is very high-tech, though.

It's not high-tech,
it's just tech.

- Okay.
- And your Instagram account

with 50,000 followers
is also just tech.

No, I thought that was social.


Hello, who's this? Girlfriend?

I like that felt hat.

That's my ex, actually.

- And she's calling you?
- Yeah.

This is fascinating.

Hey, what's up?

How are you?

It's been like forever.

Uh, I'm doing great.

Doing really great.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, so what's, what's up?

Well, I'm actually on
this movie in New Orleans.

- That sounds cool.
- Yeah.

So, we're shooting
and we need a van,

and I saw your post
about selling Poipu.

Really, I just sold it.

Damn, we were
looking for that exact model.

Well, yeah, Poipu is
no longer in my hands.

No worries, I thought
it was a long shot.

I mean, they were willing
to pay like almost anything,

so I figured I'd let you know.

It would've been
nice to see you.

Uh, yeah, it would've been.

Go for me. Copy,
wheels up for Anthony.

Sorry, um, I got to go.

I have to go pickup
this nightmare

of an actor from his hotel. Um.

Talk soon?

U... uh, yeah.

She left no name.


You did good. I took her for a spin, she runs well.

I, um, I drive
a pretty hard bargain.

Yeah, what'd you
save off the listing?

This joke book.

Well, you did good regardless.

You know, when I look
at that van I don't see

a piece of shit white van.

I see pizza catering, I see
putting my son through college,

I see a franchise
with multiple locations.

- I see...
- Rats, rats, fucking rats!

Yeah, how much
to kill some rats?

Two weeks?

Oh, and a health inspection
from city officials?

How about go fuck yourself?

Sorry I forgot to sweep.

Yeah, sweep Caroline,
buh, buh, fucking buh.

I can't keep the shop
closed that long.

- What should we do?
- What can we do?

I got to kill
these motherfuckers myself.

Are you sure?

Are you qualified to do that?

I'm not qualified,
they're fucking rats.

They're a lesser species.

How long would that even take?

I don't know, but
if we don't get rid of them

by the end of this week, me and you
got to start looking for new work.

I'm going to get you that money.

Yeah, right.

- Nice sleeves.
- Hello.

I'd like a refund, please.

Uh, is something wrong with it?

Not exactly.

Sorry, I, uh, I can't.

But you guaranteed
that I would be satisfied

and I'm not, so.

But if...
nothing's wrong with it.

I need my money back.

Come on!

My pizza shop is going to close
if I don't get that money back.

It's going towards my startup.


How long did it take you
to sell this thing again?

Like three weeks.


You know, my friend called me
right after I sold it to you

saying she wanted to buy it.

Oh, that's perfect.

But she's in New Orleans.


She did say they were willing
to pay almost anything.

Maybe enough
to justify the trip.

Let's go to New Orleans.

- Together?
- Yeah, I can't go alone.

If this thing breaks down
on some backwater road,

I turn into a sex starved
trucker's wet dream.

Ugh, being a woman
sounds terrible.

It is. So, you should be a good
feminist and come with me.

Oh, that's a feminist?

Sure and, um, you get
to see your friend,

and you get to go on
a really long date with me.

Yeah, but you don't like me.

I have a thing for nice guys,

and you coming with me to
New Orleans would be so nice.

You are a madman.

You are going on a road trip
with a new crush to sell

our old van to your ex, who
you're still in love with.

I'm not
in love with her.

Would you be going on
this road trip if Trisha

weren't the one buying our van?

Yeah, I mean I'm doing it
to be a nice guy,

and, uh, get to know
Kimmie, yeah.

You know, people don't do
things because they're nice.

Sex, money, and ego.

You are doing it
for sex and a side of ego.

She is doing it
for money and a side of sex.

I'm going to keep it tucked.
I'm keeping it tucked.

- All right.
- Sounds fun. Have a great time.

I don't like this.

Well, it's only going to take

three days for us to get there

and then we're going
to sell the van

and then I fly back.

Aren't you supposed to be
making money on this trip?

They said that they're going
to pay for everything.

I just have
to give them receipts.

I don't trust film people,
they're manic.

When I used to be
a photographer I...

I know, I know,
they're fucking you left

when you think that
they're fucking your right.

- Exactly.
- Well, either way,

I'm going to get some
great material out of it.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Nice tucked in shirt.

Yeah, uh, you know. Twenty
three hours to New Orleans,

- what's another 15 minutes.
- Oh, I didn't realize we would have company.

Yeah, my roommate's not the best
caretaker of that little guy.

What's his name?

Uh, Ralph, Ralph the fish.

Ralph the fish, does he
listen to Kendrick or Drake?

He listens to Drake.

That's very mainstream.

Um, don't murder me, okay?

No promises.

Mr. Road trip
guy, uh, what do people do

on road trips for fun?

We could make rules.

Jesus, your idea
of fun is rules.

Like fun rules
that the whole car

has to obey for the entire trip.

- Give me an example.
- All right,

rule number one:
absolute honesty, no lying.

Okay, uh, rule number two:
we sleep in separate rooms.

That is a great rule.

Very fun, very fun.

Um, rule number three,
which is actually a fun rule:

uh, the road trip
isn't over until we are

in New Orleans eating
Beignets on a fan boat.

Yes, I love that rule.
I've always wanted to do that.

It's the ultimate
tourist adventure.

Can I interest you in the
best bánh mì in New York City

before we head out of town?

That's quite a statement.

So where'd you
hear of this place?

Um, my ex.

Oh, okay.

Feeding the ex food to
the new girl, I get it.

Is it not fucking great?

It's very good.

I don't know if I'd call
them the best, but.

Well, do you know
of a better one?

No, I just think that if
you call something the best

it implies that you've had,
like, every single one.

Well, I'm sure I should
keep looking for others,

but I don't think I'm going
to find one better, so.


I do like that they have
free fortune cookies.

Uh, rule number four: every
time we cross a state line,

we open a fortune.

- That's a great rule.
- Yeah, I'm great a rules.

Ice cream on demand.

Oh, my God.

It's Uber for ice cream.

- It's going to be big.
- Oh, yeah?

How do I, okay.

Press that, that button.

No, sorry, the,
the dropdown at the bottom.


I'm confused.

It's not that
confusing, you just

kind of have to learn
how to use it.

I don't want to learn
how to use it,

I want to eat ice cream.

Well, once the design is
updated, it's going to be better.

- Okay, rule five.
- Mm-hm.

We make a collaborative dance.

Every time we stop
for gas we add another move.

- What?
- Yeah.

And then we perform the entire
thing at the end of the trip.

Okay, that's funny.

Uh, I'm going to go call
my uncle and let him know

that I haven't been
murdered yet.

- Yet.
- Mm.

Sorry, that's not very funny.

It was kind of funny.

Oh, Sweep Caroline.

Hi, how are you?

I'm up to my neck
in rat research.

- Sorry again.
- I think these fuckers are roof rats.

They look pretty sleek and
agile, but I saw one this morning

that was what I would
call large and robust,

which means
it might be a Norway rat.

Does it really matter
what kind of rats they are?

You got to know your enemy.

So how's your vacation going?

This is not vacation,
this is for the business.

- Yeah, sure.
- It is!

Plus you told me to go
fuck someone weird, so.

Yeah, but I meant like
a one night thing

where you don't leave the state.

You didn't sleep with
I'm already, did you?

It's been like four hours.

Well, I don't know this guy.

You are such a good ex-uncle.

Uh, don't worry, we're sleeping
in separate rooms, so.

Yeah, separate rooms.

I don't think no sex
should be a rule.

It's fine,
if it happens it happens.

I really think you should
tell her about Trisha.

It's the right thing to do.

There's no point, I'm over her.

- What are you up to?
- Oh, I'm waiting for Fernando to get out of court.

Released from court?

Yeah, he was
pulled over on his Vespa

while selling weed
and had to go to court.

It's nothing.

Are sure that he's
the right guy for you?

Like, right now?

He's got a great heart
and a working dick.

All right, Mom. All right.

your biggest fear?

being unsuccessful.


Why does
that scare you?

I guess because I feel
like I should be successful,

and I don't have
any excuse not to be.

And if I don't do something big
I'm going to feel like a waste.

Oh, my God.


Nah, it's just such a privileged

white dude thing to say.

Oh, and why is that?

Because you're like defining
yourself by this system

in which you have
an inherent advantage

and you're presenting it
like it's these shackles.

I mean, I wouldn't
call them shackles,

but yeah, I think there's
some competitive pressure.

Hey, at least you're
honest about it.

Don't you want to be
a successful stand up?

Yeah, but being unsuccessful
isn't like my biggest fear.

Sorry for being ambitious.

Hey, I love ambition.

I just think that life is
too chaotic for you to define

your happiness by anything
other than yourself.

No paper towels.

Got to drain that vein,
it's dance time.

My move both of us,
your move both of us.

Okay, I don't remember
your move at all.

- Give me a refresher.
- Like this.

- One, two.
- Yeah.

- It was like one, two, three, four.
- Yeah.

- It's a step.
- And then we'll just go to that one.

- Okay, all right.
- All right.

Okay, five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight.

- It was bad. It was really squirrelly.
- All right, well,

- we got a couple more chances.
- All right, we'll do it

better next time.

One that he had
of a mountain lion

that he had killed, yeah.

And it was him with
the mountain lion

and it had hundreds of likes.

And people wrote, like,
"Cool, man."

Oh, Delaware.

It is rule time.

Fate shines down
upon me on this day

through the great
state of Delaware.


"Great minds must be ready not
only to take opportunities,

but to make them."

"From now on your kindness
will lead you to success."

So, if I'm nice to you
then you won't murder me.

I mean,

yeah, I think that cookie
might have been meant

for a different person.

So, I was thinking we drop
our bags, grab a drink?

Uh, I want to, but I'm pretty
beat and I sort of turn

into a pumpkin
when I get tired, so.

Okay, yeah.

Um, but I was thinking
that we could wake up early

and go see D.C. before we leave.

Uh, yeah, I mean, yeah,
I have work to do,

and early D.C.
sounds very patriotic.

Okay, great.


That's very kind of you to say.

Well, tipping doesn't hurt.

Ah, thank you, TimTim46.

Oh, my God.

That was good.


Oh, fuck.

Keep going.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, so, are you
seeing anyone right now?

Am I seeing anyone?

Yeah, like, dating anybody.

Oh, uh, shit.

I thought that you knew
for some reason.

Oh, no, that's fine.

I'm fucking with you. I...

What kind of person would
be seeing someone and go on

- the world's longest date...
- I don't know.

...with a total stranger.

I don't know, I thought,
you might, maybe

it was like a long distance
thing. I, well, I wasn't sure.

I would rather cut off
my clit, just clean off,

than be in a long distance

You do not mean that.

I 100% mean it.

- It's exactly the same thing.
- Ugh.

Have you ever, have you ever
done the long distance thing?

Uh, no, I haven't.

Actually, I had to
stop seeing my ex

because she was away so much.

Ooh, not enough time
to eat bánh mì together.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

The bánh mì time
is very important.

Yeah, I know that about you.

Uh, and no like open
relationships or anything?

No, no open relationships.

I couldn't do that either. I...

Yeah, it's like I, I'm okay
with an open relationship

as long as you're not fucking
anybody else and it's just me.

Yes, it's, uh,
that's exactly the vibe.

It's like I would gladly
be the CEO of your company,

as long as you do all the work
and I get all of the money.

And, uh, those are just the
dynamics I'm trying to go for.

That's funny,
you should write that down.

- Uh.
- That's funny.

Maybe I will.

What do you think
about threesomes?

Uh, I've never had one,

but if it was
another girl, then, yeah.

You're so cis gender.

I don't know
what that means.

Uh, it means that you're, like,

you identify
with your birth sex.

So, like you were born
a guy and you like are a guy.

Oh, shit, look, it's the, it's
America's penis right there.

Are you getting it?

Come on.

This is, uh, great content,
very, very edgy.

Uh, so, what's wrong
with being cis gender?

You said it like
it was a bad thing.

Nothing it's just

...on, like,
the spectrum of diversity,

you're, like, a condo
that's in the suburbs in Ohio.

I like Ohio.

I mean, threesome
preferences aside,

I feel like I'm decently

It's like abort the babies,
harry the armpits,

free the nipples, equal pay.

Well, good.

I mean, I get it.

It's like other people's lives

by default are harder than mine.

You look like
Pinocchio right now.

Do you want to go
get introspective

at the Vietnam War Monument?

It is a memorial.

It is certainly a memorial.

A monument would be
quite dark.

Uh, we actually should go.

I have a surprise.

I love surprises.

Ah, this is the place.

Day drinking?

I, I am surprised.

No, they have
an afternoon open mic.

- What?
- Yeah, the, I, I thought

it'd be fun to do, like,
a local crowd on the way down...

You thought
that it would be fun.

- For you, for you.
- Okay, um, I can't.

- Why not?
- Because I'm not wearing

the right clothes
for starters, so.

I think you look great.

Uh, yeah, it's too sexy, so.

I, I won't be laughed at.

Uh, I guess I've never, like,

- thought about it like that.
- Yeah, no, why would you?

Um, you'd probably do the thing
that like most men do where

they see a woman on the stage
and it's like she's either

funny or she's, like,
for fucking and it's either or,

and women have to, like,
pick which one they are,

and it's, it's hard, so.

- Okay, okay.
- I don't want to do it.

Uh, so, what do you want to do?

I would like to leave, please.

- Okay, yeah, absolutely.
- Now you know.

Let's, let's go.
I mean, for what it's worth,

I think you're funny and sexy.

Okay, well, that's
your lizard brain

trying to get laid, so.

Well, I don't, maybe.

- How are you supposed to know?
- I'm not, I can't.

I literally can't know,
based on your argument.

These motherfuckers
are roof rats.

They're small
and slippery, evasive.

They're like the Navy
Seals of rats.

Oh, God, what's next?

Now I got to figure out
if I use poison or try

to trap them like I'm some
kind of urban pelt hunter.

Don't you think maybe that you
should pay someone else to do that?

We're going to have
the money in like a few days.

Nah, it's not just
about the money.

They're in my shop,
I looked them in the eyes.

It's personal.

All right, well,
be careful I guess.

I'm fine.

I'm going to need some gasoline
and a five gallon bucket.

Are you going to post that?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

So you, like, want people
to think that we're fucking?

No, that's not the idea.

But you get that
that's how it works?

Yeah, I understand
people think that,

but I'm still going to post it.

Cool. Um, so, just out of curiosity,
when did you break up with

that girlfriend that
we were talking about?

That was a year ago.

Like, maybe she still
follows you on Instagram.

- Maybe she does.
- Cool, like, maybe you follow her back.

Oh, my God, that's, like,
punching yourself

in the balls every time
you open your phone.

My balls...
they feel fine.

Okay, I'm just
saying that makes it

really hard to get over someone.

Well, I'm over her, so.

- Cool, great.
- I got this.

I'd prefer if we split it.

Uh, honestly
don't worry about it.

- I, I want to split it.
- I got it.

I said that I would prefer
if we fucking split it.

Thank you, Jesus.

Do you want a to-go box?


Can I have the rest
of the sausage?

Go for it.

I'm sorry.

Wake up, fortune cookie time!

It fell over there.

This is my cookie?

"If you don't have time

to live your life
now, when do you?"

"Good timber does not
grow with ease.

The stronger the wind,
the stronger the trees."

They haven't all rhymed,
have they?

So, you count me in.

Five, six, seven, eight.

You just took what I did
and did it. Okay, ready?

- Count me in. Okay.
- Five.

Five, six, seven, eight.

- One, two, three, four.
- All right.

- It's Bruce Springsteen.
- You're way better at timing.

- I, I did a little bit extra.
- Okay.

You should be, you should be
more mellow than I was.

- All right.
- Ready?

- Yep, uh.
- Okay.

- Five, six, seven...
- Wait, give me one second.

- Okay.
- All right, okay.

- Do you need a refresher? You got it?
- Yeah.

- Good.
- Now I'm ready, yep.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

- That was not bad, I think.
- It was good, I liked it.

All right,
I'll see you in the car.



Welcome to the Milky Man,

what can I serve you today?

I will do a bowl
of vanilla ice cream

with rainbow sprinkles.

- Got it.
- And...

A mint chip shake.

Vanilla cone, what else?

A mint chip shake!

- Excuse me?
- Mint, chip, shake.

- I want a mint chip shake!
- Okay, you know, you don't have to scream.

It's just ice cream, I didn't
build the speaker myself.

- Sorry!
- So just full forward.

Thank you.

It'd be funny
if you could just, like, scream

and have someone
deliver you ice cream.

I would totally
scream for ice cream.

That should be your app.

You just scream at your phone,

- someone delivers you ice cream, that's it.
- Could you build that?

- Hey, there.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome. Have a great day.
- Thank you.

You too.

Uh, yeah, I think so.

It's just, like,
voice recognition APIs.

Oh, yeah, totally.

Actually would you mind driving?

I kind of want to get
started working on it.

Get it ice cream boy.

Is this dumb?

Um, I think it's great
and hilarious, so.

Where are we?

Um, we are not at the Discount
Inn. That's for sure.

Yeah, there's nothing
discount about this place.

Um, it's called The Lion's Den.

- It's great.
- And it's kind of expensive.

Hm, hold on, hold on, hold on.

was that too much?

Um, kind of, yeah.

Uh, okay, yeah,
we don't have to do...

No, I like it.

It's just... blah.

Um, I don't want to be
the girl who's, like, not down,

but I also don't
want to be the girl

that's like automatically down.

Yeah, okay, we can just do
whatever you want to do.

- Right, totally.
- I'm serious.

Sex kind of means a lot to me,

and I haven't been
with someone in a while,

and if this is just
a fling then it's a fling,

but I just feel, like, we should
like, be upfront about it.

Now in the girl who,
like, intellectualizes

any sort of physical contact.

- I'm having fun with you.
- Mm-hm.

And I don't know
what the fuck this is.

- Mm-hm.
- But I don't think of it

like it's a fling.

I don't know
if I can believe you.

I mean, you don't know,
but you can.

Maybe we just shouldn't
have sex tonight.

Fuck, that's hot. Come here.

How was
the show, Ralph?

Did you learn
any new moves from your dad?

It's weird that you keep
your watch on during sex.

Yeah, I never know if I should
keep it on or take it off.

Well, at least you know, like,
exactly how long you last.

Just under 45 seconds.

I'm going to use that!

I would be honored if my,
uh, sexual apparel choices

were translated by you into
the laughter for strangers.

It will.

Oh, I have something
to show you.

Oh, shit!

Is it time already?

It's just a prototype
at this point.

I think he's cute.

Okay, let me record.

And say something.

Who are you?

Who are you little
ice cream man?

Cookie dough!

Aw, fuck, it crashed.

I didn't expect you
to say cookie dough.

It's so cool.

When is it going to be done?

Uh, I still need to partner
with an ice cream place

and figure out delivery and,
obviously, swap out this design.

I think that
you should leave it.

It looks like it was drawn
by a monkey in the dark,

who's been gravely injured.

Okay, yeah,
maybe we'll keep it. Um.

Is this dumb though?
It, it seems dumb.

I mean, totally, but ice cream
is dumb and fun is dumb,

and life is dumb.

Things can be both
dumb and amazing.

Maybe that'll be our tagline,
dumb and amazing.

Just like you.

I think I'm going
to sleep in the other room.


I do this windmill
thing with my leg

that's been known to bruise.

Uh, okay, you sure?

Yes. Uh.

Your legs
will thank me tomorrow.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight!

Oh, fuck.

You're going to make me cum.

You think you heard her

Fernando, he thinks
he heard her masturbating

last night
in the next room over.

Maybe she's hyper sexual.

Fernando says maybe
she's hyper sexual.

Let me put him on speaker.

Hi, Elliot, I've heard
so much about you.

Likewise, nice
to meet you, Fernando.

- How'd the hearing go?
- Oh, it's just a ticket. Thanks for asking.

Though they said if I get
caught one more time I'll be

in big trouble, so I should
probably look for a new job.

You could do anything.
You are so multi-talented.

You know, honey,
maybe she didn't cum.

- Sometimes after sex women just need space to finish.
- Hm, true.

I don't know, it sounded like
she was talking to someone.

you need to talk to her.

You know, it's important
to have open and honest

conversations about sex
in and out of the bedroom.

for new relationships.

I couldn't agree
with Fernando more.

You need to talk to her.

What else is going on?

Trisha told me last night
she's moving back to New York.

I thought you
said you were over her?

That's just
something people say.

It sounds to me like you need

to have a couple of
adult conversations.

That sounds awful.

Can you stop?

Just one more try.



After all my hard work.

I knew we shouldn't
have had sex.

- What?
- You're acting weird.

Like you've see the kitchen
of the restaurant and you know

how they made the pancakes
and you lost your appetite.

Okay, the pancakes,
your pancakes were great.

Then why are you acting weird?

I'm not, it's...

Sorry to interrupt,
do I know you?

I don't think so.

You look so familiar.

I've been told
I look like Oprah.

I feel like I know you.

Hey, man, it sounds
like she doesn't know you,

- so if you...
- It's Debbie, right?

I'm a huge fan.

Dude, do you know
how lucky you are?

Can I buy you all's breakfast?

She hates it when people
try to buy her things.

That was fucking weird.

So, we're not going to talk
about what just happened?


There's this hot chicken
spot in Nashville

- where they put...
- Uh, I'm a cam girl.


I'm a cam girl, like,
I take my clothes off

on the internet for money.

It's not sex, it's just me.

All right.

So, that guy at the diner?

That's never happened
to me before.

I've heard that it can happen,
but... I usually don't broadcast

to locations that I'm in, but...

- Road trip.
- Right.

Does this, uh,
ruin our fan boat plans?

Nah, no, nah, it's all good.

I should get some gas.

I'm going
to hit the bathroom.

- Do you want anything?
- Uh, I'm okay.

Do you mind if
I use your laptop?

I need to send an email,
mine's dead.

Sure, here you go.

Thank you.


- Here you go, thank you.
- Thank you.

A peace offering.

For what?

For dropping my sex work
on you like that.

Uh, I'm okay, thank you.

Come on, Mr. I scream for
ice cream doesn't want any?

You have to live the brand, bro.

I just don't like the freezer
dried ones that much.

Fine, it's cool.

I'll just have both of them.

I don't know if I like the
chocolate or the vanilla more.

Mm, so good.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

You sound like last night.

Last night doesn't
even compare.

Are you talking about me
or, uh, your internet friends.


So good.

- All right, all right.
- Mm-hm.

This is good.

It's very good.

Look, my ice cream is screaming.


- You know what we should do?
- Hm?

Some more sweet,
sweet dance moves.

- Five, six...
- Seven, eight,

one, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight.

I think it was a little
different, but we'll work on it.

Oh, my God, my ice cream.

I need a napkin!

Okay, I've got questions.

I have the cam questions.

Are you sure you
want to get into this?

Yeah. If I want to be okay with
it, I want to know how it works.

I don't think
you're the kind of person

who's, like, okay with it.

- I could be.
- Okay.


How many people watch?

Uh, it depends. Sometimes it's a couple
and sometimes it's a few thousand.

- A few thousand?
- Yes.

And they pay you
like cash or?

Uh, yeah it's all taxed
and legitimate.

So, it's, like, PayPal or,
like, sometimes it's Bitcoin.


And what are they paying for?

Are you sure you want to know?

Yeah, yeah, I want to know.

Okay, well it's kind of techie,

so maybe you'll think it's cool.

Give me one second.

All right, so.

When I cam,
I put this inside of me.

Here you go.

- Hold onto it.
- Okay.

Become friends.


- So, I'm touching myself.
- Right.

And someone wants
to participate.

- Okay.
- Uh, for a small price,

they can make this happen.


And I can control it
with the app like this.


Uh, that looks like a nice app.

I think it's a nice app.

I'm going to give
this back to you.

Cool, it's clean.

- I promise.
- Good to know.


It doesn't, like,
define me though.

I think it used to
and I moved past it.

To comedy?

I mean, that's the dream, yeah.


If it makes you feel any better,

I have never told anybody
any of this before.

Thank you.

You are welcome.

If you're going to punish

your significant other
for cheating on you...

- Right.
- ...I just feel like making

hot chicken is like a really
half assed way to go about it.

Okay, so what would,
what would you do?

Um, I would like pretend like
I'm going to go down on him,

and then just like
bite his dick off.

- Okay.
- Clean off.

- Note to self, never cheat on Kimmie.
- Yeah, please.

Um, I just saw a sign for an
open mic and I was wondering

if you wanted to check it out
as audience members.

No pressure.

You know what?

- I think I want to do it.
- Really?

You're dressed appropriately.

- Fuck it.
- Fuck it.

- Let's go.
- How many times have you done stand-up?

Like to an audience?

Technically never.

- Really?
- Yeah.

This should be terrible then.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Uh, I would like to sign-up
for the open mic, please.

Okay, uh, yeah,
just put your name down.

You get three minutes
and then, uh, it's a lottery.

So I'm just going to pick
your name out of a bucket.

Okay, um, great. I'll just.

And then it's, uh, five bucks
and it's a two drink minimum.

- Okay.
- It's five bucks and a two drink minimum?

it's an open mic.

Trust me, you want the drinks.

Um, I'm going to go
and practice over there.

I'm going to try not to throw up,
and then when I'm done with that

I'm going to meet you
back here. Okay.

Okay, yeah, whatever you need.

I'm actually 37.

Uh, wow, I should've
had that wine.

This is, uh...

This kid's going to be so
disappointed when he founds out

that Harvard doesn't have a
Ghostbusters, uh, you know, wing.

But there is a cancer research.

So, um, and me,
you know, I need work.

So, like, basically
I'll go out with anyone...

You have to go.


I can't do this with you here.

Please, go.

I'm sorry, I'm freaking out.

- I still have to order another drink.
- Fucking go.

- I'm sorry.
- Some women call me filth.

Uh, so, we're having a great date.

He's walking me in,
we're walking toward my apartment.

So I'm like, yes, career, okay.

And he goes she doesn't know

about the gang bang
I'm planning upstairs.

- Um, when I...
- So, my parents are, are divorced,

which is why I do this.

- Uh, or my parents...
- But, um, they just

both include a lot of,
uh, sitting down,

and, um, what else,
sitting down...

You ever be in your girl's
asshole and you taste something

in there that's like too
fancy for you to have bought,

so you're just, like, "Is
my girl stepping out on me?

Because I know
I can't afford no steak.

Uh, thanks.

All right, hey, hey,
Freddy Franrico, everybody.

Huh, not too bad, not too good.

Okay, you guys ready
for your next comic?

Say, yeah!

- Yeah.
- I'll take it.

Great, all righty.

Let's see who else we got.

Okay, all right. This next girl,

very, very funny. Uh,
you guys may know her.

She directed A Bug's
Life, pretty good film.

Uh, keep it going
for Kimmie Chatman, everybody.

Come on, let's go everybody.

Here we go.

Um, hello.

At least someone's
going down on me.



Start packing up.

- Yeah.
- How do I do that?

Thank you.

Okay, yeah,
come on, everybody, huh.

Funny, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, hilarious alert.

Ah, Kimmie, Kimmie, Kimmie.

Sounds like a nail salon.

Oh, my God.

I freaked out.

I freaked out.

- I can't do this.
- What happened?

Uh, I choked, I fucking choked.

- Isn't that part of it?
- Uh. No,

having them laugh
at your jokes is part of it,

and I looked at their faces

and it was just, like,
I didn't exist.

Like blankness.

Uh, so what now?

You do it again.

Yeah or maybe I'm better off

hiding behind
my computer screen.

I think that I might learn
to play the banjo now.

And that was
the instrument that stuck out?



Uh, I'm actually just
kind of tired.


I told you that you weren't the
kind of guy who could handle this.

Yeah, sorry, I'm not, you know,
excited about the idea

of you fucking me
and then, immediately,

going to fuck yourself
for money.

You're a fucking hypocrite.


You claim to be this,
like, open minded guy,

and now listen to yourself.

I guess I have my limits.

Does that make me a bad person?

It makes you full of shit, yeah.

Yeah, because I don't
understand how

you could ever do what you do.

Of course you don't understand.

You're fucking rich.

- I work my ass off.
- So what, if you fail

you go home to a mom whose got

a guest room with, like,
14 pillows on the bed.

And that's my fault?

No, but if I fail I go home

to a mom who's passed out
on the floor.

So what would you
do in my situation?


I don't know.

Yeah, um,
I also used to not know,

and then, I figured it out, so.

Can I have my laptop, please?

You don't have it?

You were the last person
who used it.


You kissed me and then we danced

and I forgot it
at the rest stop.

I'm sorry.

I'll buy you a new...

It had all of my Bitcoin on it.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm taking this.

What the fuck are you doing?

Fuck you, Ralph.

Do you want to read me a joke?

Uh, I'm not feeling
very funny right now.

Only a few more miles
to New Orleans.

Hey, hey.

- Hey, how's your timing?
- Here we go.

Uh, about a few hours.

We all good for the van?

Yeah, we'd love it
by the golden hour,

so we need it stat.

I'm excited to see you.

Uh, yeah, same.

I hope you're getting
some good use out of that

joke book if you still have it.

Um, I'm driving, so I should go.

I'll see you soon.

Are we selling this van
to your ex-girlfriend?

Rule number... ah!



Get the bench in there,
to the side there.

Oh, my God.

- I can't believe you're here.
- Hi.

You are literally saving
our production.

- Thank you so much for making the trip down here.
- Hi.

so many memories.

Aw, you must be
the one with the IUD.

Go for me.

Copy, copy.

Sorry, crazy day.

Uh, the stunt guys
have been fucking up,

so we've been
kind of scrambling.

Hence, the need for the van.

So, how does this work?

Go for me.

Switching to two.

Go for me.


They should've been wheels up with
the first team 15 minutes ago.

Copy, back to one.

Ugh, sorry.

Hey, first team.

Totally get it.

So, let me call the producer
and get you paid.

Thank you.

Hey, there.

Oh... absolutely.

Only because your pool
game is atrocious.

No way.

Okay, rematch tonight then.

Hey, so, I got
the van that we wanted.


I am the sourcing master.

No, I haven't paid for it yet.

Really, they drove all
the way down here.


Okay, copy.


Okay, bye.

I'm so sorry, but, um,
they cut that stunt,

so we don't need
the van anymore.

Are you fucking kidding me,
you giggly bitch?

You have to buy the van, Trisha.

Honestly, this sucks,
but it's not my call.

We drove all the way
down here from New York.

And we'll still
cover those costs.

I think you can sell it
when you're down here.

That's fucking ridiculous.

I feel so terrible,
can I buy you guys

- a drink to make up for it?
- No, it was so great getting to know you, Elliot,

and I'm so happy that I could
help you guys reconnect.

Please enjoy your drink.

And we fucked two nights ago.

Not last night though.

Hold on.

Kimmie, I'm sorry, I didn't
know this was going to happen.

Which part?

You selling the van
to your ex-girlfriend?

Would've been relevant
information for me.

Oh, yeah, like you camming
the entire way down here?

That's different.

- This is for you.
- Ralph.

I'm sorry, let me make it up to you.


So, all you have to do is then,
uh, scream into your phone.

Oh, my God.

So silly.

I love it.
Is this the final design?

No, that's actually why I sold
the van to pay a designer.

Ah, good call.

Shit, I forgot PC.

Do you mind getting these?

- PC?
- Uh, petty cash.

Production lingo.

Petty cash, I have petty cash.

I can help you out with that.

- So, what else are you working on?
- This is it.

I, uh, decided to quit
consulting and go all in on it.

Oh, I didn't realize this
was like your main thing.

You told me I should do
that if you remember.

Right, I just,

I just thought it would be,
like, more serious.

This is serious.

You expect people
though to scream at their phones?

Yeah, I do, actually.

It's okay if something new
in tech looks like a dumb toy.

Because it can be dumb
and then amazing.

Well, you nailed it.

Uh, it's great
seeing you, Trisha.

I'm sorry,
I'm just, I'm joking.

You're not, you're not.

Elliot, I want, I want you to
come play pool with us tonight

and, and meet Charlie
and the rest of the crew.

We're all going to be
in New York soon.

Charlie the producer
that turned down the van?

Yeah, he feels terrible
and he wants to apologize.

Have you guys slept together?

You broke up
with me when I moved.

Was I supposed to just
twiddle my thumbs?


It's just funny because
he fucked me, too.

Uh, this should cover
both of us.

Five, six, seven, eight.

This thing is sick.

It is very sick.

Why are you selling it?

I desperately need
the money to save

a family business
by the end of the week.

Very cool, very cool.

Say, anybody ever tell you
you got kind of

a Natalie Portman
thing going on?


Does this thing
fold down, like a bed?

Gross, probably, I don't know.

- I'll take it.
- Thank, fuck.

If you let me buy you
a drink tonight.

Sounds like a win-win for me.

Cash please, thank you.

What's this for?

Fucking hot.

How did he die?

I guess
I never really took

that good of care of him.

I think
it just run its course

and you shouldn't beat
yourself up over that.

May Ralph rest in peace.

You wanted a new fish.
What type?

Another one of these, actually.

I wouldn't do that.

Every time you looked
at your new fish

you would be reminded of Ralph.

Even if you wanted to recreate
what you had with Ralph,

that's not possible.

You should start out fresh
and experience the, the new

and exciting things
a new fish can provide you,

even though it's not perfect.

You know, goldfish,
they're less maintenance,

they're a bit more hearty,

and I think you'd really be
pleased with that.


- Thanks for everything, Jim.
- You betcha.

Hey, I, uh,

I need to cancel the design
if you haven't started it yet.

Sweep Caroline.

The Rat King!

God, do you know
what that refers to?

No, it's just a term
that I've heard.

It's when a bunch of rats get
their tails knotted together

and end up in a terrifying
medusa ball of rodents.

I've seen it.


So, how'd it go?

Uh, it was great until
it was terrible.

That sounds like
most relationships.

Yeah, good point.

I guess we did just
cut to the chase.

This looks like it's going

Very poorly.

They're everywhere.

I've been having nightmares
that the rats are cooking

the pizzas and setting
traps for me.

I'm sorry.

I have a little bit of money.

I should have more soon.

Yeah, it's time
to call the pros.

We got this.

Thanks, Sweep Caroline.

♪ Buh, buh, buh ♪

sorry for everything.

I know how you feel about
men buying you things,

so if that's the case here,
please, cathartically smash

the fortune cookies
and not the laptop.

The hard drive is
for your Bitcoin backup.

Hope to see you making
people laugh on stage

someday soon, Elliot.

I do like
the little ice cream, man,

and how it looks
like he's melting.

I've kind of come to love
the imperfection of it.

Okay, are you ready
to see how it works?

I'm, I'm ready.

Okay, it's a hot summer day
and you're not

near your favorite ice
cream shop like this one,

but you want ice cream.

So, all you have to do
is just open our app

and... vanilla ice cream

You yell at your phone and
it delivers you ice cream?

I mean, well, you,
you scream, technically, but.

I scream at my phone
all the time.

Right, so, are you interested?

How does it get delivered?

Hi, Gus.

Mint chip.

Mint chocolate chip.

Chocolate. Cho-co-late.


Who are you?

Who are you little
ice cream man?

Cookie dough!

This isn't the makeshift
fan boat experience

I was hoping it would be.


This is your fan
boat experience?

I mean it's not as good
as the real thing,

but, hopefully,
it works as an apology.

- Wait, did you go?
- Yeah, they wouldn't refund my money.

Well, I did the finale
of our dance alone.


How was it?

- It was terrible.
- Ugh.

It was really, really awful.

Do you want to come in?

- Yeah, I do.
- Okay.

And those are for you.

I, uh, I feel like
I fucked everything up.

Because you did.

I know,
I'm, I'm sorry.

Hey, shit happens.

I'm sorry that I told your
ex-girlfriend that we had sex.

I sort of cock
blocked you there.

Uh, it's okay, she was
fucking that producer.

Hey, he fucked me, too.

I said
that actually.

Yeah, it was pretty obvious.

Was it?

Uh, you're working.

Um, um, so, I'm going to go.

Um, but I was thinking we could
go grab a drink sometime.

You know, like,
exchange resumes.

I don't think so.

- Why not?
- Because we tried and it didn't work.

But I want to see you again.

Oh, but that's not up to you.

- Let me try.
- Look if there was something that I could say

to make you understand that
this is truly and deeply over,

I would say it,
but those words don't exist.

So I'm just going
to close the door.

So, feel free to tip me
if you're enjoying yourself.

Almost ready.

The last time I tried this
it was pretty painful, so.

All right, you guys.

So, this guy that I slept
with wore his watch,

and he knew exactly how long
he lasted to the second.

Is this thing on?


That one needs some work,
but I still think

it's a strong premise, you guys.

Okay, I just wrote this one.

Um, wow, dating is
tough, you guys. Uh.

There's no good advice out
there, no matter who you ask,

because everybody is
either in a relationship

and out of touch with what
it's like to be single,

or they're single
and have no idea how to date,

so why would you ask them?

That would be, like, asking
a fat person how to diet.

Oh, you guys like that one.

Okay, great, uh.

Thank you for the tips
TimTim84 and RubRubbings.

Nice to see you guys as always.

And... AnonymousFan28,

thank you all for the support,

friends old and new.