Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj (2006) - full transcript

The legendary Van Wilder
was my mentor.

He enabled me to become the king of cool
at Coolidge College.

Thanks to his many insightful life lessons,
like, "Two's company,

"and three is only good
if there's no class the next day."

I'm now going to England to take the path
of another great man, my father,

and continue my academic studies
at Camford University.

After pursuing my degree in history,
I'll go ahead

and get a minor in major muff-munching.

You're not listening to anything
I'm saying, are you?

Not a word,
Mr. Minor-in-Major-Muff-Munching.

- Chicken or fish?
- Yes, I'll have the chicken, please.



Enjoy your meal.

- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

All right.

- Chicken or fish?
- Chicken.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

Is that Madame Mandira's Homemade
Bombay Hot Sauce?

No way, you know it?

Habanero and cayenne peppers mixed
with lime juice, vinegar, onions and salt.

From the great Calcutta Salt Lake?

Would you like some?

Sorry. I'm so clumsy.

Sorry. I have this thing for spices.

You have "a thing"?

Well...



You want some of this, don't you,
you dirty little whore?

Come and get it.

Don't stop.

Don't stop.

- I said, "Don't stop."
- Okay, okay.

Oh, yeah? Yeah?
You like hot sauce on your kebabs, cookie?

Oh, that's hot. Oh, that's hot.

Oh, that's actually...

Smell that, Balzac?

That is the aroma of higher education.

The aroma of young minds
absorbing knowledge. The aromas...

Yes.

The aroma of that, too.

Let us make haste, my friend,

to the fraternal house
where my family name became legend.

Come on.

"May driving on the wrong side
of the road,

"lead you down the right path.

"Write that down. Van."

Well, well, well. What do we have here?

- Percy?
- 2:30...

Taj Mahal

Badalandabad.

Wow.

It's even more magnificent
than I imagined it.

- Welcome to the house of Fox and Hounds.
- Welcome to the house of Fox and Hounds.

Good afternoon.

Pip Everett, Earl of Grey. How do you do?

I do very well, thank you.

Splendid. How may we help you?

My name is Taj Mahal Badalandabad,
your newest and proudest member.

Fantastic. Fantastic.

- Come and meet the guys.
- Sure.

This is incredible.

The oldest and finest fraternal guild
in all of England.

You know, I've been dreaming of this day
since I was a boy.

- Champagne?
- Thank you.

Since my father, Dilip,
who was known by his fellow Hounds

as the Womb Broom Badalandabad,

would tell me stories about his time here
during the swinging '60s.

Quiet. Quiet, quiet, please.

Now, it has been enjoyable

shagging all of you groovy chicks.

But the further spreading
of my baby gravy

will have to wait.

Good show. Good show.

And we're equally excited
to have you as one of our members.

Welcome.

Ladies, perhaps you could show

Sir Womb Broom the Second
to his new room.

- Our pleasure.
- Our pleasure.

Thank you, ladies.

You know,
something about you reminds me of you.

Why?

- Mr. Badalandabad?
- Yes?

- Might I see your acceptance letter?
- Sure.

Thank you.

Usually put them
in the scrapbook or something?

No. Not usually.

- Oh, dear.
- What's wrong?

This is very awkward.

There seems to have been
a terrible mistake.

Typographical, you see.

This letter's supposed to say
that you've not been accepted.

- What?
- I'm very sorry.

But please do pop in any time
and say hello.

But my father went here. I'm a legacy.

Where else would you expect me to go?

Well, I do see your quandary, old boy.

I do know of one opportunity,
but it's only eligible for dongs.

Perhaps they'll consider a Taj.

Dongs are what you Americans
so eloquently call teaching assistants.

Yes. Well, I am a teaching assistant.

Yes. Here it is.

- What is it?
- You'd be a head of house of sorts,

for a very elite group of students
in a dwelling called the Barn.

- The Barn?
- An architectural wonder.

- The Barn?
- One of the oldest buildings on campus.

- Is it red?
- No.

- Then it's not a barn.
- Yes, but it's steeped in history.

Good luck, then.

You, too.

Come on, Balzac. Ándale.

Christ, he's got monkey nuts.

- Did you see his face?
- The Barn?

I do believe that was the best one yet.

- You were wonderful.
- That was a classic, Pip.

- Brilliant.
- Don't you boys ever get tired

of playing that same
crass, demeaning joke?

- No.
- No.

Another jolly good show.
I must say, it is so much fun being me.

Is that...

Could someone please get me
some Tidy Wipes?

Well, Balzac, as Mr. Van Wilder would say,

it's not the building that matters,
it's the people inside.

Come on.

Excuse me.
I'm looking for the Barn residence hall.

- The Barn.
- Piss off.

Pin-headed squirrelly-looking bastard.

Sorry for the intrusion, you hairy-arsed
dipso Paddy headbanger.

Hey, you're speaking the local lingo
right and proper.

- Hi.
- Hi, you look funny.

- I'm Gethin.
- Hi, Gethin, I'm Taj,

your new resident advisor.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
The house is such a mess.

I feel so ashamed.

Please stop.
Don't call me sir and don't be formal.

This is a very informal setting
and, Gethin, stand up straight.

A man always looks more confident
when he's erect.

Now, what's all this?

I'm a dual major.

Maths/quantum physics.

Following the tradition of
the great Stephen Hawking, huh?

Not exactly. Numbers geeks
don't have the hottest social life,

so I did a sexual statistics compatibility
survey with all the colleges in England.

Camford came up with the highest
nerd-per-willing-chick probability ratio.

The pursuit of the pink taco.

Gethin, I think you and I are kindred spirits
in the search for the vertical smile.

- The what, sir?
- The vertical smile.

You know,
the scrambled eggs between the legs...

I don't know what that is.

...the sunny-side-up
on the way to the butt.

Say again?

Hello. What's your name?

- Hello?
- Simon doesn't like to talk.

Simon?

It's a pleasure to meet you regardless,

and I look forward to hearing from you

when you have something
that you would like to say.

How about you, Balzac?

Hey, buddy. Did you meet everybody?

Hey, what's up with the mutt?

Looks like it's dragging
a pair of soccer balls.

He's a purebred English bulldog.

It's English, is it?
That's why it's such an ugly little bastard.

- He can hear you.
- I don't care.

Why do you have
all that pent-up aggression?

I'm Irish and the English
have been giving us the shaft

for over 500 years and counting.

Well, time out for a second. I'm Indian.

And England invaded India in the 1700s,

and didn't leave
until less than 60 years ago.

Until then, we were just another one of its
colonies, not unlike your Northern Ireland.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That makes us brothers.

I'm dead.

So I assume those are real.

You all right?

I'm sorry I lobbed you in the face, mate.

Fancy a sneaky quick one?

No. No, no, I think you've given me enough
sneaky quick ones for the day.

Thank you, Seamus.

Sadie, this is Taj Badalandabad,
our new head of house.

All right, me old mucker. Have a shake,
then, I ain't got the clap or nothing.

- What?
- She means handshake.

Right. Of course. Of course, hi.

Sadie is a cockney.

Takes time to understand her.
Words fit in her mouth funny.

Lucky words.

You enjoying your time at Camford, Sadie?

Yeah, it's all right.
Blokes are a bit stuffy here, though.

I mean, I never thought
it would be so hard

to find someone worth
slurping the old panhandle.

You know, giving a blow job.

Nothing like getting your tongue
around a nice fat one.

Sliding it in and out.

In and out. In and out. In and out.

Milking it like a cow until it explodes
into the back of your mouth.

I must have an amazing ear for dialects.

I understood
everything that she said perfectly.

So, how long will you be staying with us
before you move to a better house, then,

Mr. Badalandabad?

- I don't follow.
- It's all right, sir.

We all know we're losers.

Well, round here in this campus

we're like crusty brown sheep dung
off an old work boot.

That's painting too pretty a picture,
if you ask me.

Hey, time out, guys.

You know, a few years ago,
I was exactly where you guys were.

Almost.

Not really at all, actually.

But look, the point is
that there's potential, okay?

There's potential here. That's what I see.

You know, sometimes it just takes a while
to cultivate one's own personal greatness.

- It's okay, sir.
- People always say nice things.

And then they leave.

Balzac, I don't think I will succeed
as the sultan of snatch in this place.

All I wanted to do was spread a little
Badalandabad butter on an English muffin.

Well, Van, what would you do?

Yeah.

You like that long one, don't you,
Miss Nude America?

Yeah, you do.

Miss Nevada likes it hard.

Yeah, scream a bit louder
for more points.

Crazy room.
Will you take a look at this place?

Hey, good morning, guys.

Bloody hell. This must have cost a fortune.

It's an investment.

The coolest, most confident kids
on campus are living here.

- Who's moving in?
- The new you, Gethin.

The new all of you.

And to celebrate, I got us an invitation
to the campus-wide inaugural ball tonight.

Black tie only. When should we leave? Oi!

Where are you going?

It's being tossed by that royal chutney
ferret and his chorus of nancy boys.

Yeah, translation?

Pip Everett is the Earl of Grey,
14 spots removed from the Queen herself.

He also happens to be head
of the Fox and Hounds,

who are sponsoring the ball.

Yes, I've met Pip
and I really wouldn't be concerned.

No, sir. You don't understand.

Each one of us were invited
into the Fox and Hounds,

only to be told when we arrived
that there had been some sort of

"typographical error"
in our acceptance letters.

Bloody right.
Supposedly the bastards do it every year.

- Just for their jollies.
- This happened to all of you?

Well, you guys must be livid.

No. It's pretty much the story of our lives.

The story of...
I don't believe what I'm hearing.

Those Fox and Hounds douche bags.

Those pubic-hair tooth flossers
have no right to tell us what to do.

We're going to show them... No.

We're going show ourselves
that we can go wherever we want,

whenever we want.

Now, we're going to this party
and we're going to look hot.

So they're rich, powerful and beautiful.

Take away their good looks,
their money and their superior attitudes,

- and what do you have?
- Us?

My point, Gethin,
is that they're no better than us.

Have some courage, guys.

There's an old saying. "Jumping off a cliff
only hurts if you forget how to fly."

Excuse me, sir.
I think the actual saying is that...

Well, it doesn't matter
what the actual saying is, Gethin.

It's the intent.

Stand up straight.

Now, where is Simon?

He said he'd be here when he was done
fussing with his bow tie.

All right. Well, go, guys. Have fun.
Go, my little sparrows.

Would you like to dance?
Would you like to dance?

Would you like to dance?
Do you like to dance?

I'd love to dance with you.

So lean, so strong.

So virile.

Do you know I'm not wearing any...

Lady Mulgrove, I believe Lord Mulgrove
was looking for you over there.

Pity.

Lady Mulgrove loves her sherry, I'm afraid.

Well, you know, I've never been checked
for a hernia on the dance floor before.

I have to say, the old lady's tremor
was actually mildly erotic.

Would you like to dance?

Well, actually I have a...

A younger sister you could
hook me up with instead?

Why did I say that?

I'm gonna go slit my wrists
in the corner painfully now.

- Thank you. Bye.
- Wait. Wait.

Yes.

- Why not?
- Great.

- So, I've not seen you on campus before.
- Yes, I'm nude.

New, I'm a new graduate student.

- And how are you finding it?
- Great, actually.

It's fantastic. Everyone's really nice,

except for this royal jackass named Pip.

- Pip?
- Yes. Pip Everett,

the Earl of Grey, is a world-class jerk.

- You didn't get on with him?
- No.

You would detest him as well.

I would imagine that
only another bubble-headed snob

could stand to be in his company for
longer than it takes to suck on a Tic Tac.

Charlie, there you are.
Oh, I see you've met Haj.

Charlie?

Or you can just call me
the bubble-headed snob.

So, how are things working out
at the Barn?

Very well, actually.
The residents are very special people.

Special, indeed.

Take it back! Say you like Irish whiskey.

Excuse me.

Oh, go on. A little heavy snoggin' with
your husband's all you've been wanting.

I beg your pardon?

You know what we ladies need, sweetie?
A good poke in the low whiskers.

Yes, the lower whiskers,
right next to the Scottish Highlands,

a favorite vacation spot. Excuse us.

- No, Taj. I was talking about her vagina.
- Yes.

I would like to welcome everyone
to the official opening

of the competition for the Hastings Cup.

Why do they call it a competition
when we always win?

The Hastings Cup represents
all that is best in a university.

Camford's most gifted
have competed for 600 years.

And now it gives me great pleasure

to introduce the winners
of last year's competition,

the Foxes and the Hounds.

Thank you, sir.

On behalf of my fellow members,

I'd like to wish the other houses
the best of luck

on this year's competition.
May the best lads win.

Don't let that little Indian fellow
put you down, Charlie.

He's hardly worth putting a frown
on your beautiful face.

Why was he upset with you?

I think he was rejected
from the Fox and Hounds the other day.

Poor bloke was devastated.

You know, perhaps I'll have a word.
Cheer him up.

You're sweet.

It's all part of being an earl, my dear.

Constructive criticism.

Seamus, we need to work
on your anger management skills.

Sadie, close your legs.

We just need to figure out
exactly how much you can drink.

And, Gethin...

Oh, Gethin, sit up straight...

Excuse me, Raji.

- My name is Taj.
- I don't care.

I just wanted to share
a little tidbit with you.

When my great-great-grandfather,
Rupert Everett the Third,

became the first governor
of the Indian colony,

he also took on a band of pet monkeys.

But he used to keep his outside.
There's the door.

Please make sure it hits all of you
on the way out.

- Oh, Poop?
- It's Pip.

I know. A friend of mine used to say
that if you can't join them, beat them.

You might want to write that down.

Hi, ladies and gentlemen.
I am Taj Mahal Badalandabad

- What the hell is he doing?
- ...and I have an important

- Holy crap. He's gone bleeding mad.
- ...announcement.

And in the spirit of the inaugural ball,

I would like to announce the formation of
a new fraternal house, commencing now.

Ladies and gentlemen, please get
your first look at the smart, the sexy,

the very literal-minded,
wearing black tie only,

Cock and Bulls.

We'll never be able to show
our faces again.

We're the laughingstock
of the whole bloody school.

To hell with the lot of them.

What is with the lack of self-image?

You know, we have the potential
to be the best house on this campus.

And I would go so far as to say

that we could even win
the Hastings Cup this year.

How the hell could we win the cup?

Seamus, winning the cup
is based on accumulating points

in academics, athletics and social services.

- Now, Gethin here excels...
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm a banged-up rugby player,

she's a sausage jockey
for the price of a pint

Oi! And dinner.

...and he's got the bleeding personality
of a toaster oven.

So, you've decided to accept defeat
before you've even tried, huh?

What if Columbus had done that
just because of a bout with seasickness?

Or if Babe Ruth had decided to walk off
after his first rookie season

just because of a little syphilis?

Or what if Ravi Shankar had decided
to give up the sitar

just because he knew he'd be able get
a lot more chooch playing the guitar?

You guys, society has always stifled
those with great minds.

I believe in you.

And you should too.

Now,

to the Cock and Bulls.

I said, to the Cock and Bulls.

- To the Cock and Bulls.
- To the Cock and Bulls.

- To the Cock and Bulls.
- To the Cock and Bulls.

To the Cock and Bulls!

Why do you insist
on manipulating the table like that

with the fist, coming down?

- Morning.
- Morning.

You know,

I was rather wonderful last night, wasn't I?

I was here, too, you know.

No, not the sex, silly. I was talking
about our dinner with Lord Wrightwood.

How do you think it went?

Well, you fawned over his every word.

I half expected you to get up
from the table and kiss his ass.

I thought it went well, too.

And after graduation,
I'm sure he'll be happy to oblige me

with a recommendation
for a diplomatic position.

Pip, class isn't for an hour.
Come back to bed for a bit.

But I haven't done my exercises yet.

- And I have to exfoliate.
- I can put a glow on your cheeks.

Charlie, hello. We did it last night.

Wednesday. Our night.

I don't understand
why we have to have a night.

Why can't we just do it
whenever we feel like it?

Because we're British
and we control ourselves.

Charlie, I have a busy schedule.

And I'd rather not tell people
I have no energy

because I was off fornicating all night.

Now, which shirt do you like better?

Mauve or turbot? I like the mauve.

But it is difficult with my jaw line.

"We have this day given order

"to our Chancellor of the United Kingdom
and our Chancellor of Ireland,

"that they do respectively
upon notice here

"of forewith issues of writ
effective immediately

"that pigs and chickens
will no longer be tolerated

"in the House of Commons."

Would anyone like to comment
on the House of the Lords journal

volume 64, August 1832?

Yeah. Me, neither.

God, this is boring.

Everybody rip out page 32.

- Sir?
- You heard me.

Everybody rip out page 32.

You've seen Dead Poets Society.
Rip out page 32.

Come on, if you don't rip out page 32,
I'll fail all of you.

Yes!

God, these things are so old,
they're petrified.

You know what, just throw
the whole damn thing out the window.

I think he's plumb sauced, he is.

Sir, I don't think throwing books out
is such a good idea.

Yes, there you go, Seamus.

See, everybody do that,

and send these books back to the 1800s
where they belong.

- Come on, Gethin.
- No, I can't.

Haven't you ever heard of the expression
"in with the old, out with the new"?

Yes, sir.
But I think the actual expression is...

Oh, it doesn't matter
what the actual expression is, Gethin.

Why are you thinking
when you should be throwing?

Ejaculate your book.

Yeah, go on, Gethie. Get over it.

Give it a throw, limey.

Come on, Gethin. Expunge 20 years
of oppression out the window.

Mr. Badalandabad,
might I see you out in the hall?

Certainly.

Excuse me, class.

Why don't you all read chapter two
while I'm gone?

But we haven't got any books.

Have you gone
completely and utterly mad?

I don't know how you did things
at Coolidge College.

- You've been checking on me.
- Yes. And, frankly, I'm concerned.

And as your supervisor,
it's my job to make sure that there's...

Wait, wait, wait. You're my supervisor?

Well, I... Let me just say then that
I am so enthused to be under you.

What I mean is that I'm extremely hard.

Hard-pressed to...

Mr. Badalandabad,
it really doesn't even matter

what you think of me or of the textbooks.

Because if you wish to receive
your doctorate from this university,

you'll have to follow the rules
set forth by...

By men who what?

Who wore funny boxer shorts
and garter belts and died decades ago?

Who never saw a man walk on the moon
or listened to Lil' Kim on an MP3 player

or watched muff-to-muff
triple-penetration cooch-munching

- on the internet?
- What does that have to do with anything?

Okay. Maybe, that was a bit much.
I'm sorry.

But my point, Miss Higginson,

is that there is more than one way
to skin a mongoose.

History can be about so much more
than random dates and ancient artifacts.

It can teach us about ourselves.

About our flaws, our hopes,
even our dreams.

And all I'm saying, Mr. Badalandabad,

is that at this university,
there's only one way to skin a mongoose.

And it's my way.

Good day.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the opening event
of seven competitions

between our five fraternal houses
for the Hastings Cup.

They're bleeding huge.

Guys, come on, it's badminton.
The game is played with a limp wrist.

How hard could it be?

Simon.

You were saying?

Okay. It is probably safe to assume

that we will probably not
emerge victorious from this match.

However, it's very important
that we maintain our dignities.

Gethin, just get the serve in.

- Fine.
- I have an idea.

Sadie...

Simon, it's yours!

Game, Fox and Hounds.

It was not so bad.

Okay, it was so bad, but why are you
refusing to look on the bright side?

Oh, we're going to bleed to death
of internal injuries?

No, we have made an impression.

I mean, would you rather be
miserable and known,

or miserable and anonymous?

- Anonymous.
- Anonymous.

Sir, I think we were fooling ourselves

to believe we had
even the tiniest chance of winning this.

We're on the board.
We're actually on the board.

Yeah, but it doesn't
mean anything.

Everybody gets a point for entering.
We're still 499 points away.

Okay, Captain Optimistic, you are wrong.
This is a beginning.

Oh, by the by,

just because you're making
a spectacle of yourselves,

it doesn't mean you're not still invisible
to the rest of us.

That's great, Pip,

because it's very difficult
to beat something that you cannot see.

Beat you? You and your sorry lot
aren't even worth spitting on.

Diarrhea face.

- Sorry, what did you just call me?
- What?

- No, no, no, you definitely said something.
- No, I didn't say anything.

- What was it?
- No, I didn't...

- You called me diarrhea face.
- Really, did I?

Samus there's a time and a place
to hit people.

Yesterday was the wrong time
and today is the right place

and here you can win points
towards the Hastings Cup.

Hey, Coach, you need another player?

This guy? No way.

Oh, really?

That's one way to do it.

Welcome.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm sure our palates were titillated
from the last selection,

but I have an even finer vintage
to present to you now.

I must hand it to you, Charlotte.
You've done an excellent job with the TAs.

Thank you, Provost.

It's always been my theory

that as long as you're clear
with your rules and expectations,

people generally will fall in...

Excuse me one moment. Sorry.

The next cognac you'll be tasting is from
a 1793 bottle from the Loire region...

Of France.

Of France. A fine vintage, as I was saying.

So, despite all of their money,

all those statues
are actually completely worthless.

What is going on?

Field trip. We're observing
the double-breasted, blue-blooded snot.

You're bird watching?

No, no, no, we're observing
the behavior of British aristocracy.

Now.

BRB.

I told you to stick
to the assigned curriculum.

Yes, and as I explained to you,
the assigned curriculum was...

Was something I felt very strongly about.

Which is why I propose a challenge.

- Pardon me?
- A challenge.

You see, I believe

that my students' academic achievements
are better enhanced

through a series of field trips.

Oh, you do, do you?

Yes, and given the fact

that we have a philosophical difference
in our teaching methods,

I suggest that we settle our disputes
through a challenge of some sort.

That way, if I win,
I can continue as planned, and if...

No! There will be no challenges.

This isn't a grade school playground,
Mr. Badalandabad.

If you wish to receive your doctorate
from this university,

you'll have to follow
the assigned curriculum. Good night.

I figured you might be scared.

The last thing I am in this world
is scared of you.

I accept your challenge,
which means I get to choose the weapons.

Great. The weapons?

Charlotte, is it just me,
or do these absurd paintings

bear a striking resemblance
to your absurd boyfriend?

We are in Everett Hall.

Everett Hall.

Oh, please tell me it's Earl of Grey tea
contained in this.

The ashes of six generations of Everetts
are contained here.

Well, when it's Pip's turn,
they're going to have to build a new hall

just to contain his ego.

Shall we begin?

Begin? Yes, let's begin.

Not bad, Miss Higginson,
but you should know

that I extensively studied fencing
at the university.

University fencing champion.
Twice in a row.

I was planning on showing you
some mercy, but...

What the hell was that?

It's the Rathbone.
My fencing teacher taught it to me.

He's quite a good swordsman.

Ah, yes.
I've had a few ladies tell me that myself.

Miss Higginson,
have you ever seen the movie Zorro?

I have.

Six times.

Nine times.

Count yourself lucky
the only thing you lost were your pants.

It's a shame, Miss Higginson.
You would have enjoyed the trip.

- I'll be on that field trip.
- Will you?

That way, when I have you replaced,
I'll be able to explain my reasons.

Good night.

On the right
is the famous Tower of London,

where Queen Elizabeth I imprisoned
her explorer boyfriend, Sir Walter Raleigh,

after he was found doing the freaky-deaky

with one of her ladies-in-waiting.

Presently people line up outside
the tower to see the crown jewels,

which were stolen during
the brutal British occupation of India.

The crown jewels are actually
quite magnificent.

I don't think anyone's ever waited
an hour and a half online to see mine.

Actually, there was that one time
at Coolidge.

Now, this is the area

where Charles Dickens used to observe
the injustices of London's class system.

"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."

Write that down.

Come on, guys, let's go.
Don't stop to stare, it's just an old church.

On the left, in Trafalgar Square,
is a statue of Admiral Horatio Nelson,

Britain's most famous war hero.

Nelson lost an arm, an eye, an ear
and a leg in various battles.

Towards the end, the poor guy
was nothing more

than a broomstick
with a cute little admiral's hat on.

Oh, God.

That four-eyed geek's staring at us.

No, I believe he's staring at me.

Hi, is this seat taken?

What do I do?

Open your cakehole, you bleeding idiot,
and tell her how you feel.

You are the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen in my life

and I'd give two years' tuition
to sleep with you.

That's being a bit too honest, mate.

You're sweet.
You're like a horny little Care Bear.

Okay, I think.

What's so special about this place?

The best fish and chips in all of London.
Come on.

And then, Winnie looked up,
gazed at me over his glasses and said,

"I see you're adept at running numbers,

"but how good are you at cracking code?"

And that, children, is how I saved England.

Wait a minute. Winnie? You?
You knew Winston Churchill?

Well, I'm not talking
about Winnie the bleeding Pooh, am I?

- Jackie, where's that pint?
- Coming right up.

I owe you an apology.

I completely underestimated you.
You're a wonderful teacher.

Thank you.

So, I take it you had fun today.

Are you kidding me? I had a ball.

Oh, my God, the ball.

The House of Lords is still debating

the proposal
on the West End theater project,

but I think
that we have to come together on this

to find a viable way and move forward.

Bloody bastard!

Okay, just one man's opinion.

Oh, not you, Lord Wrightwood.
My apologies.

Please excuse me.

What the hell is he doing here?

Taj is a friend and guest, Pip.

And I'd appreciate you making him feel
part of this evening.

You know, Charlotte, you're right.
I didn't mean to be rude.

Thanks, Pip.

"And the fire that breaks from thee then,

"a billion times lovelier,

"more dangerous,

"O, my chevalier!

"No wonder of it.
Shine, and blue-bleak embers, my dear,

"Fall, gall themselves,

"and gash gold-vermillion."

Thank you, Sir Wilfred,
that was a real treat.

Now, as is tradition in the literary ball,

I'd like to call on
a member of our visiting faculty

to share with us his favorite British poet.

Taj Badalandabad.

To the podium, please.

Pip, this certainly comes as a surprise.

I think that it's important a visiting
foreign instructor like Mr. Badalandabad

have an appreciation for the heritage
and culture with which he hopes to teach.

- Have fun, Raji.
- Thank you.

"There's a lady,

"who is sure that all that glitters is gold,

"because she's buying
a stairway in Hampstead."

Now, she can't get no satisfaction.

No. No, no, no. No, she can't get
no satisfaction, none at all,

even when she's driving in her smart car

or listening on the radio.

Or even when she's pleading with Roxanne
to turn on the red light.

Damn it, Roxanne, turn on that red light,

or Maxwell's Silver Hammer will come
smashing down upon your head.

Turn on that red light, you bitch, Roxanne,

or we'll all end up in a big white house
with black curtains at the station.

Or would you rather live
along the watchtower? No.

Then turn on the red light, Roxanne,

or I'll have my 19th nervous breakdown
for real.

It's the real thing.

It's even better than the real thing.

I really want you all to want me.

I really want to take all of you higher,
trust me.

Do I look like an American idiot to you?

No.

Which is why I wish you all
the time of your life.

Thanks.

Jolly good show.

- You liked it?
- Absolutely.

That young man's presentation

strung together the words
of the poets of the street.

Not unlike the American rapper, Eminem,
whom I rather dig.

You know,
I love the British limerick as well.

In fact, I read one at Kensington station
just last week.

Tell me if you know it.

"There once was a woman from Heath,

"who circumcised men with her teeth."

Taj.

I'd like you to meet my parents,
Martha and Richard.

And of course you know Sir Wilfred.

Hello, it's a pleasure to meet both of you.

I can certainly see
where Charlotte gets her

sense of seriousness from.

You put on a very impressive exhibition
tonight, young man.

You should be congratulated.

Thank you very much. I actually owe it all
to my good friend Pip here,

who encouraged when others
would have discouraged. Thanks, Pip.

Young man, I want you
to have a drink with me.

Sure. Excuse me.

He's quite clever, isn't he?

I think I need a drink myself.
Martha, would you care to join me?

Yes.

This Raj fellow...

Taj, his name is Taj.

Right, Taj, then.

I believe he's been creating
quite a scuttlebutt at school as well.

Oh, he just has an original way
of doing things.

Charles, you're more than old enough
to make your own friends,

but it would be a pity
to jeopardize your relationship with Pip.

The Everetts are a very important family.

Yes, I know, Daddy.
Pip's reminded me many times.

All I'm saying is,

it's not every girl that gets the opportunity
to become the wife of an earl.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

Sir, are you sure we get points for this?

Seventy-five, Gethin. Winner take all.

I've run a few numbers, sir.

Their beer gut intake
is almost incalculably large.

Have some faith, Gethin.
There are forces of nature at work here.

Stop staring at her tits, they're fake.

They've actually moved up
in the standings.

Do you think that's cause for concern?

With that lot?

The only things we've got to worry about

are communicable diseases
and fashion faux pas.

I mean, really.

In his dashing exploits
at the Battle of Cape St. Vincent

and in his brilliant victory
at the Battle of Trafalgar,

Lord Nelson clearly proved himself
to be Britain's greatest naval hero.

He wrote to Lady Emma Hamilton,

"I have always been 15 minutes ahead
of my time and it has made a man of me."

Now, who here thinks that Lord Nelson
was a bit reckless during the Battle of...

Cock and Bulls got so much soul!

Cock and Bulls is in the house!

- We rock!
- What?

- We roll!
- What?

Cock and Bulls got so much soul.

Cock and Bulls is in the house.

As I was saying, who here thinks
that Nelson took too many chances with...

We hereby challenge you to a reenactment
of the Battle of Agincourt.

We, naturally, will be the English,

whereas you mangy vermin
will be the French.

What say you?

Mr. Badalandabad, if you will insist
on bursting into my class unannounced,

- then I think you should prepare to...
- No, we just wanted to have some fun.

I really think you should prepare
to get your ass kicked.

Over there.

Wait. Don't shoot.

You big, strapping blokes

wouldn't help me find my gun
under this muck, would you?

Oh, look, here it is.

So long, misfit.

Penny, I just bought these.

Sorry, Lexie, finger must have slipped.

Hey!

You know, I'm sorry
about Pip's behavior last night.

He doesn't mean anything by it.
He just doesn't know any better.

Either that or he does know better
and he just doesn't care.

No, Taj, you don't understand.

Pip comes from a very important family,
one of the most powerful in England

and sometimes
you just have to overlook the...

Do you know what?

I sound just like my father.

- Sorry.
- It's all right.

Look, aside from forgiving
all of Pip's awful faults,

what exactly would you like to do
for the rest of your life?

Oh, you'd laugh.

No, I won't.

It's absurd, really.

I'd be one of the world's
foremost archeologists,

traveling the world
in search of ancient antiquities.

That sounds fascinating.

It's not that easy.

My parents have
certain expectations of me

and archeology
certainly isn't one of them.

As my mother says,

"The future wife of an earl doesn't get
on her hands and knees."

Not with her rings on, anyway.

How about you?

What else would you like to do
with your life?

I want to be right here.

The university is all the better
for having you,

- and your students absolutely love you.
- No, I don't mean the university.

I mean, just be here.

What I'm trying to say is that I feel...

I feel...

My balls.

Pip.

What in God's name have you been doing?

We've been reenacting
the Battle of Agincourt. It was fantastic.

You did what?

I can't talk now. I'll call you later.

Hey, wait up.

They've been spending
an awful lot of time together.

You don't suppose that she and he are...

Oh, God, no. Not my Charlie.

No, I'm afraid the poor old dear
has a soft spot

for that curry-breathing cretin

and his band of mutants,
micks and whores.

You always see the best in people.

You know what they say.
Lords have mercy.

Welcome everyone
to the Mastermind Challenge.

The team that wins the challenge
gets 50 points towards the Hastings Cup.

Please wait until the question
has been completed.

Percy stole the answers.

But don't make it too obvious.

Question number one.
Please finish the following Churchill quote.

"Let it roll. Let it roll on full flood..."

That would be...

"...inexorable, irresistible, benignant,
to broader lands and better days."

Point, Cock and Bulls.

How many members of the Beatles
have been knighted by the Queen?

- I think that would be...
- Only one, Sir Paul McCartney.

Point, Cock and Bulls.

Never mind, make it obvious.

Who is the inventor of the device
known as the microscope?

Anton van Leeuwenhoek.

Point, Cock and Bulls.

Who is the captain of the last English team
to win the World Cup?

- Bobby Moore.
- Point, Cock and Bulls.

In what Shakespearean plays
do ghosts appear?

Julius Caesar, Richard III,
Hamlet and Macbeth.

In what year
was the Suez Canal inaugurated?

1869.

Point, Cock and Bulls.

- What was the name of the island where...
- The Galápagos Islands.

- What is the scientific name for...
- Sodium chloride.

- What is the...
- The flux capacitor.

Would you say something? Just anything.

- How many of the...
- Fifteen.

- Seventeen.
- Point, Cock and Bulls.

- What, in biology...
- A gerbil.

- Which...
- Gonorrhea.

- Who...
- William Shatner.

Nicolae Ceausescu.

- Tell me...
- George Lazenby.

Point, Cock and Bulls.

- Large dog.
- Point, Cock and Bulls.

- Modus operandi.
- Point, Cock and Bulls.

You know, this guy is very good.

The Battle of Trafalgar.

Pocket rocket. Fats Domino.

More commonly known as diarrhea.

Point, Cock and Bulls.

The Cock and Bulls win
the Mastermind Challenge.

"In a stunning upset
on the rugby field yesterday,

"the Cock and Bulls
defeated Hampshire House

"to win the match
in final seconds of the game,

"thanks to a stellar athletic performance
by Seamus O'Toole."

Don't worry, ladies, I still have
another stellar athletic performance,

or two, still left in me.

I have just met
the most spectacular bloke.

He didn't look at my tits once.

Maybe he's a trouser pilot.
What if he don't fancy gals?

Bet you a fiver he wishes you had a cock.

Oh, piss off, bush mill.

Taji, I'm nervous.
You know, I like this bloke.

He's classy, the kind of guy
who'd be going out with a proper lady.

I just don't think it'll work
between me and him.

Sadie, if you think that this is a guy
who's worth getting to know,

then by all means, get to know him.

Money and position make no difference
when it comes to matters of the heart.

Do you guys really believe that?

- Absolutely.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Pip, the Cock and Bulls did very well
on the rugby field the other day.

If they win the dog show on Saturday,
we could be in real trouble.

Roger,

sometimes the Almighty,
in his infinite wisdom,

likes to give a sliver of hope
to the downtrodden and underprivileged

to make up for their inferior haircuts

and the fact they have to winter
and summer in the same place.

The Cock and Bulls are entering
a mongrel beast

and we're entering
Chauncey Avalon Renaissance,

a direct bloodline to the legendary
Zurich von Edelweiss.

You're right. We can't lose.

No, we can't.

Particularly since I've prepared
some extra insurance.

- Ding dong.
- Ding dong.

My ancestors did not create
the Hastings Cup

so that rejects like the Cock and Bulls
could make a mockery out of it.

Bon appétit, Balzac,
and bon voyage, losers.

Maxirod.

Enlargen, Manhammer?
Where did you get this stuff?

Oh, I accidentally took it
from my father's traveling kit.

But it says Pip Everett, Jr.
on the prescriptions.

- A typo.
- On all three bottles.

Look, shut up.

How many times have I told you
never to take food from strangers?

Lads, tomorrow's dog show will go down
as one for the ages.

To victory tomorrow
and the Hastings Cup.

Hey, Chauncey.

- Cheers.
- Here you go.

Sorry, buddy.

Chauncey!

Bravo!

Bravo, Chauncey.

How're you doing, buddy, huh?

You ready to go? You doing all right?
Yeah? You ready to kick some tail?

Yeah, I think you are.

Good luck today.

Oh, thank you. Have a good show.

Oh, we shall. I'm looking forward
to some stiff competition out there.

I'm sure you are, Poop.
Pip.

Honest mistake, diarrhea face.

What? What did I just say?
What did I just say, buddy?

Bijou Caronta and his dachshund, Fritz.

Strong jaw line, extended chest,
good firm buttocks.

Reminds me of a young Susan Sarandon.

Taj Badla...

Showtime.

Badalandabad.

And his bulldog, Balzac.

That's strange.

Doesn't seem to be working.

Maybe the pills went bad.

Well, they worked fine last Saturday.

My father happened to mention.

My God, this animal is magnificent.

It was a piece of cake.

Oh, I really hope it isn't too "hard-on" you.

Pip Everett, the Earl of Grey,
and his Great Dane, Chauncey.

Chauncey! Halt!

Chauncey!

Chauncey!

Chauncey.

Chauncey!

Come.

Chauncey, come.

Chauncey.

Chauncey!

- What are you doing?
- Trust me.

Chauncey, I said come!

Could someone please get her
a Tidy Wipe?

How dare that Third-World, cow-loving
social reject humiliate me?

And how could Charlie be
so endlessly amused by him?

Your sister. Your sister, carrying on
with that repugnant troll friend of his.

The world's gone mad, I tell you.

Our very way of life is being threatened,
and I, for one, will not allow it to continue.

Pip, perhaps we could find a better usage
for your sword.

Alexandra, you're quite sure your sister
isn't joining the Cock and Bulls party.

Yes, Penelope ran to Mum and Dad's
for the night.

And you and Penelope
are an identical match?

Well, one of us has a birthmark.
Would you like to see it?

If the rabble insist on being crushed
into oblivion, so be it.

Alexandra, I'm going to need your help.

Chauncey, do shut up.
The pills will wear off soon enough.

Alexandra, why are you just sitting there?

I thought you said you wanted to play
with my sword.

Oh, right, yeah.

Let's party!

Can I have everyone's

Attention, please. Can I have...

I'd like to thank everyone
for coming tonight.

Thanks to Balzac's performance,

the Cock and Bulls are now only 20 points
behind the Fox and the Hounds,

which means whoever wins the next event
will win the Hastings Cup.

So now, let's just get inebriated.

What's up, Gethin?

Where is Balzac, anyway?

I think he is otherwise engaged.

- Taji.
- Sadie, how was your date?

Taji, you were right.
He was the perfect gentleman.

We had tea and then a candlelit dinner
and then a beautiful carriage ride.

- That's wonderful.
- Then we got scrambled,

he yanked off me scanties
and we shagged all night on the tiles.

- All right.
- Let's party.

Sir, there's a problem with Simon.

Excuse me. What?

Simon?

I have...

I have a problem.

Oh, my God, he's talking.

Well, Simon, whatever your problem is,
we're your friends, you can tell us.

Well, you see,
it's to do with the size of my piddler.

Your...

Well, you know, it's an understood fact

that a man's piddler is...

Appears smaller to himself
than it is in real life.

Well, you see, that's what I'm afraid of.

'Cause according to me
it has some 11 inches.

Come again? Figuratively.

You see, the problem is
that every time I get aroused,

all the blood rushes from my head
to my... head.

And I can't talk.

But do you think it's gonna be...

- It's...
- It's...

- Yes.
- Yes, I think you'll be fine.

It works.

I'm sorry to interrupt you boys
tossing off your tally-whackers,

but, Taji, there's a beautiful young lady
waiting for you outside.

I'm surprised you don't get out more.

- Hello.
- Smile.

Sorry, I just had to have a picture
of the wickedest party of the year.

Well, then, why don't you come on in,
grab a drink?

Wait. I have a surprise for you first.
Let's take a walk in the woods.

A surprise in the woods?

Well, can you give me a second?
Let me go repack my wallet real quick.

Come on.

Amazing.

Fantastic.

The Persephone comet hasn't been seen
in the English skies since...

- Napoleon was defeated at Waterloo.
- Yes.

Come on.

- I have one more surprise for you.
- Yeah?

Is this one scenery, too?

Hey, man, what are you looking at?

Hi.

Seamus was just telling me a story
about you. A very long one.

Penelope?
I thought you were gone for the weekend.

Yes. I was,
but I just couldn't stop thinking of you.

- You couldn't?
- No.

That's fantastic.

- Take me, Gavin.
- Gethin.

Whatever.

Wow. You seem so different.

Have you always had that birth mark
on your neck?

It matches this one.

- Any more dumb questions?
- No, I'm good.

Good.

There's nothing to be nervous about.

Just take off your clothes.

Okay.

Nice.

Take your bloody hands off me.

You whiskey-swilling Irish blockhead.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

No. Dilip, Kami and Alita.
We are the Badalandabads.

We have come to surprise our son,
Taj Mahal.

He's upstairs.

If you'll excuse me, I think I'm in love.

Excuse me.

Bad doggie.

Oops.

Oops.

I'm ready for you,
my little Yorkshire pudding.

- Surprise!
- Surprise!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Go! Go! Oh, my God.

I don't care.

So... have a nice flight?

I warn you, Provost.

Prepare to be appalled
beyond your imagination.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Good Lord!
- Disgusting, isn't it, Provost?

- Coming through.
- Hi, gorgeous.

Provost?

Provost?

Right this way, Provost.

Are you okay?

Provost, he has knocked that woman out
with his schlong.

Arey, don't worry, beta.

They will get over it.

It's not like your family
has never seen you naked before.

Okay, maybe not quite as hairy...

- Dad.
- But still.

So, is there someone special,
or were you just...

No! Yes!

No, I mean... Yes, there was somebody.

Really?

And how schlong... long
have you been seeing her?

Well, tonight was actually
our first night together.

And already in your bedroom.

Shabaash, beta. My son is a hound doggie!

A chip off the old Badalandabads.

You got the old Camford
chick-a-day calendar, huh, beta?

- Beta?
- Something like that.

Penelope?

My little vixen, I'm ready.

Honey bunny? I'm ready.

Penelope, I'm not quite sure
how this works.

Do I get disciplined now?

- Absolutely.
- Are you enjoying the party, sir?

You know, beta, I envy you.

You are just like I was.

A chip off the old Badalandabads.

Attending the big bad bone dance,
morning, noon and night.

The pink taco stand
delivering 24 hours a day,

free of charge.

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad, listen.

No dishum.

- No dishum.
- No.

I am not a chip off the old Badalandabad
and I'm not a hound doggie. I'm sorry.

I tried to live up to your legacy.
I really did.

But I'm afraid I disappointed you.

You see, I really have fallen for someone,
and it's just one girl.

Just one girl?

Just one.

I see.

So, this one girl is feeling the same
as you are?

I believe so.

Well, I guess we are not all cut out
to be hound doggies.

You're not disappointed?

How can I be disappointed? You're my son.

It is watching you
come into your own as a man

that makes me feel so proud of you, beta.

Come, give your father a big squashy.

- No, no, Dad, I need another hug.
- Oh, beta.

- Oh, beta, I love you.
- It's okay.

Beta, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe, my beta.

Beta, I can't breathe.

Oh, I love you, too. I love you.
My testicles!

Bye.

Sorry, did I ruin a moment?

What the hell are you doing here?

Provost and I made some
interesting discoveries this evening.

Stolen copies of next week's history test
in your students' rooms.

My students would never cheat.

Yes. Well, you can tell your story
to the disciplinary committee

first thing in the morning.

You know, it's funny
how things work out, isn't it?

I suggest you start packing, Paki.

Restraint, my boy. Restraint.

- He's mine.
- Dad!

Camford University is the greatest
institution of higher learning in the world.

We take transgressions most seriously.

So it is I must inform you
that you're all expelled.

I stole the exam.

- Sir, that's ridiculous.
- Quiet, Gethin, this is how it must be.

I don't know the first thing
about English history,

so how could I have expected my students
to pass an exam.

I admit it was a weak moment.
But it was my weak moment, not theirs.

Well, you understand that this would
mean your immediate expulsion.

Yes.

I only ask that you not penalize
my students for something

for which I'm clearly to blame.

They all have to be expelled.
They've already seen the exam.

I don't see why the entire house
should be penalized

for Mr. Ba...

Badalandabad!

- Thank you.
- Oh, yes.

Well, for his transgressions.

We'll give them an oral exam.

If they pass, they're back in.
If not, well, they're out.

Fine.

But meanwhile, Mr. Badalandabad,
we accept your expulsion.

Wait. Charlotte, let me explain.

I've heard more than enough, thank you.

I cannot believe we bought in
to all of your nonsense.

But...

Those kids idolized you. I admired you.

But the joke's on all of us, isn't it?
Because you're nothing but a cheat.

Look, I didn't mean to hurt anybody, okay?

- If you would just let me explain...
- No.

The road to hell is paved
with good intentions, isn't it?

Good day, Mr. Badalandabad.

We all know why we're here.

Let's begin.

Come on, baby. Come on.

Daddy's leaving soon.
Oh, you wanna give it to me, don't you?

Come on.
I'm trying a different tactic here, baby.

I'm trying to be nice to you.

You don't like it nice, do you,
you little whore?

- Hey, guys. How did it go?
- Oh, baby.

Well, look, the important thing
is that you tried, all right? It...

You passed?

- Oh, you passed.
- Yeah!

What's wrong, Gethin?

Oh, well, this is all thanks to you, sir.

And as soon as you leave tomorrow,

we're going to get slaughtered
in the Hastings Cup.

Oh, please, Gethin.
That's absolutely ridiculous.

This is all thanks to you guys.

You know, I had a feeling
that you guys would pass,

so I prepared some libations.

Now, you guys were outcasts
when you got here,

and you showed those privileged
snotbags that you were their better.

And because of your hard work,

Camford, one of the finest institutions
in the world, is now yours.

And it's time you get out there,
and kick some Fox and Hounds ass,

and win the Hastings Cup.

- To the Cock and Bulls.
- To the Cock and Bulls.

Oh, come on, this again.

- To the Cock and Bulls!
- To the Cock and Bulls!

Taj Mahal, beta, cheer up a little.

You will find another school
which will make you happy.

Dad, I'm really, really sorry
that I disappointed you.

I just wanted to follow in
your legendary footsteps.

Did I not tell you about your stories,
Dilip, huh?

Tell him.

Taj, I may have told you
a slight stretching of the truth.

I'm afraid I was never a member
of the Foxes and Hounds.

What?

But all those stories?

Wait. The ones about being the
sultan of snatch are true, though, right?

That would be a fine thing.
He's lucky to even find it.

More like the sultan of splat.

One must admit, it can be somewhat
difficult to locate at times.

Hang on. Hang on.

Why were you not in
the Foxes and Hounds?

I thought I was accepted.

But when I arrived,
there had been some sort of mistake.

A typographical error, they said.

You're kidding.

It's okay, beta.

Maybe this university is not the place
for us Badalandabads.

Come. Let's go home.

Can you guys please give me
a few minutes alone?

Haan, beta. Of course. Chalo.
We will wait outside.

Guess I won't be needing
that golf cart, Van.

- How fast does that golf cart go?
- What are you doing here?

There's no time. I'll explain on the way.

Welcome everybody to
the final competition for the Hastings Cup.

Now, only two teams
have accrued enough points

to compete in the final event.

The Fox and Hounds,

and the Cock and Bulls.

Fox and Hounds, who will represent you?

I will.

Cock and Bulls, who will represent you?

I will.

What are you doing here?
You've been expelled.

I'm afraid Mr. Everett's correct.
Only current students are...

Provost Cunningham, I think
you'll find a reinstatement is in order.

- Charlie, have you lost your senses?
- Quite the opposite.

If you look closely at this photo,

you'll see that a woman
is holding the stolen exam papers.

Which means it couldn't have been Taj.
He was just helping his friends.

Don't just stand there, young man.
You've got a competition to compete in.

Cheers.

Cock and Bulls!

En garde.

Point, Fox and Hounds.

- Okay, he is good.
- You're not concentrating.

Every time, he attacks from his left
and exposes his chest,

that's when you attack.

Hello. I'm trying.

But his lightning-fast blows
make it a little bit difficult.

- Oh, our first fight.
- Just go.

Point, Cock and Bulls.

- That was great. Got any more advice?
- Yeah.

Note taken.

You know, I think
I'm finally starting to scare him.

Somebody has some anger issues.

Let's settle this like my ancestors did,
shall we?

- You want to exploit me economically?
- No.

- First blood.
- First blood?

Come on, Paki, it's your chance to stick it
to the British aristocracy.

Pip, stop it.

Pip, I hate to pry,

but do you think
your sword obsession is over...

Overcompensation for your shortcomings!

Violence doesn't solve anything, bitch.

I'm sorry!

No, I'm not.

Gethin.

Thank you.

Oh, shit.

I don't think you get it, Raji.
We don't want you here.

If we weren't here, who would tend to
your fossil gardens and serve you tea

while you pretend to be important,
you goron?

I'm sure I'd survive, Raji.
Can't say the same about you.

You are pompous,
you're racist, you're sexist

and dress like a dance instructor
on a cruise ship.

Looks like it's curtains for you, Raji.

Good idea, Pip.

Up and over.

Oh, my God. Pip, that was fantastic.
How did you do that?

Well, I work out, I train.
You got to eat right...

This is becoming rather tiresome.

Go for the Rathbone.

The Rathbone. Very impressive.

But bad news. I taught it to her.

Time to meet your ancestors, Haji.

Oh, yeah?
Perhaps you'd like to meet yours.

No!

Father!

And the name is Taj.

Point and match, Mr. Ba...

Badalandabad!

Somebody please get me a Tidy Wipe.

Congratulations, young man.
Congratulations.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you this year's winners,
the Cock and Bulls,

winners of this year's Hastings Cup.

Hooray!

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

My father donates millions of pounds
to this university.

Consider repercussions
of what you're about to do.

- Tell him.
- All right. All right.

Pip stole the exam papers
and he got me to put them in their rooms.

Well, perhaps you should consider the
repercussions of what you've done, Pip.

Yes, he's right. You're expelled.

Good, I couldn't stand that little snotbag.

Sammy!

Sammy!

Lord Wrightwood?

Yes.

Pip Everett. Earl of Grey.

Mr. Everett, I am... I didn't recognize you.

Oh, that's nothing. No.

I just wanted to say,
I received your letter of commendation,

and wanted to say thank you
for everything.

Yes. About that,
it seems there has been a mistake.

- Mistake?
- Typographical, I'm afraid.

It was meant to say that
you had not got the position.

Sorry, old boy.

Typographical.

What he's trying to say is piss off, Pip.

No, okay. Yeah, okay. Sure. Quite.
Oh, okay.

Are you sure typographical was...
Clear enough. Thank you. Great.

Beta, beta, beta, beta, beta.

I've never been more proud of you
than I am at this moment.

Thanks, Dad.

You know, your son is
the biggest hound doggie on campus.

My son, a hound doggie?

It's practically raining
women's undergarments

when he walks down the street.

I always knew it that my son
would follow in my footsteps

in the pursuit of the pink taco.

Being a hound doggie
is in the Badalandabad genes.

Well, it may be in his genes, dear,

but I certainly never found anything
special, when I looked in yours.

Are you saying that I'm firing blanks?
I have fathered three children.

So, what? If our mattress
could have gotten pregnant,

you would have fathered six.

I am warning you, woman.

I am shaking in my sari.

I don't need this aggravation.

Thanks for dealing with my dad.

- They don't live here, do they?
- Oh, no, no. Milwaukee.

My pleasure, then.

You know, Charlotte,
you should know I'm not a rich guy.

I don't own a house or anything.
I'm not an earl.

In fact, the only title I hold
is to an '86 Toyota Corolla.

Oh, come now, Mr. Badalandabad.

You're forgetting
what an excellent swordsman you are.

Hardly, I almost died up there.
I mean I got a couple of good...

- Were you calling me a hound doggie?
- Maybe.

Well.

I can fence much better than you, though.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- Let's go.
- You want a rematch?

Let's go, yes.