Vampirus (2022) - full transcript

Good morning, Chicago.

You're listening to 93 XRB.

It's day 29
of the Corona quarantine.

I know many of you
listeners are chomping

at the bit to get outside,

but please respect
the mandatory shelter in place

for Cook County.

Stay home,
stay safe, save lives.

Oh, and turn that radio up.

Our next song goes out
to the frontline workers.

"Imagine On" by Grapetooth.



Oh, touch me there. Yeah.

Kissing's always extra..

Deal.

Hey, I just
went for a walk, dumpling.

Nah, I told you,
I'm off the cancer sticks.

What happened the whole
trust talk we just had?

Stop. Just stop.

You're killing me.
Okay, listen, just...

Here.

Uh... hello?

One second, babe.

Are you following me?

Hello? Look,
I don't have any cash.

And this is where you run.



What?

I gotta call you back.

Where'd you go?

What?

Huh? What?!

You've reached the Cook
County Emergency Call Center.

Due to high caller
volume from COVID-19,

all of our operators are busy.

Please stay on the line.

9-1-1,
what's your emergency?

Hello, sir, ma'am?

Hello?

What's that sound?

Is that your dog?

Ah. Oh, Je...

You stupid kids
need to go back to school.

I'm the president
and you're fake news.

Rule 456:

obey all traffic signs.

Stop, look, listen.

And feast.

I see you watching me.

It's okay. Don't be shy.

I deal with voyeurs
all the time.

In here, I control everything.

Cut the music.

Come here, come closer.

I'll let you
in on a little secret.

This journal holds
all my routines, locations,

people and evidence.

My secrets.

Listen, in the wrong hands,

we would have another disaster.

I only kill bad people,
like Peeping Tom over here.

But that's not you, is it?

Remember, this is a pandemic

and you're gonna need
to give me space

if we're gonna
do this together.

Oh, we're gonna be friends.

Oh, why, hello there.

You scared me.

Good. Whoa, hey, hey, hey,
what's in the bag?

Uh, it's a bag
of my stuff.

Yeah, uh, I figured, dude.

Are you
the new tenant below me?

Or are you
just tossing bags around?

I might have to call the cops

on your quarantine-breaking,
yet...

pretty face.

Charming.

No, no, I... I'm... I'm... I'm
pulling your leg,

I'm pulling your leg.

Sorry. Smokers, jokers,
midnight tokers.

Come on.

Accept my apology, neighbor.

It's been a while.

Fuck it.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

One hit.

Nice catch. Oh, man,
I've just been going crazy

cooped up inside
this whole time.

Like, I was literally about
to go murder my roommate

for something to do.

Sounds fun, neighbor.

Oh, don't call me neighbor.

I'm, uh, Ace.

First name basis already?

Eva.

Pleasure to meet you, Eva.

Shit, Walter!

What the hell, dude?

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, get... Get that dribble off!

- Sh...
- I'm sorry, dude.

Oh, dude, you could not
have picked a worse time, man.

- Seriously, dude.
- I'm sorry, man.

Literally.

Okay, that's my cue.

No, no, no, Eva, please stay.

Walter,
you get out of here, dude.

Go find something
to clean this up, man.

I... I am so sorry, Eva, I'm...

I'mma get out of here.

I might be back in five.

Step on in, watch your step.

Oh, what's going on,
Tinkerbell?

- Eva!
- Oh, hey.

Hey, I'm so sorry
I had the vomit earlier.

Can I get through?

- Oh, you want to get past?
- Yeah.

Oh, you... okay. I'll...
I'll give you six inches.

- Feet.
- Yeah.

Feet.

All right,
I'll see you guys later.

Go ahead, sit down.
There's a... There's...

All the chairs are clean.
Don't worry about it.

Um, what do we have on buffet?

- We have...
- Holy shit.

Duct tape.

I can use this on you, uh...

on you later
if you're feeling frisky.

- Not really.
- Too forward?

Oh, I'm going to feel
that after quarantine.

Um, what do we got here?
We got rice cakes.

We got tortillas.

Ooh, nuts. Everyone likes
to get a little nutty.

All right?

Oh, speaking of Chinatown,
Chinese.

No, it's not happening.

Ooh, eggs! Eggs!

Um, asparagus, pickles.

- I'm really not...
- Pickled asparagus.

- Uh, ooh, Jell-O.
- That all looks bad.

Jell-O would be nice and light,
wouldn't...

Go to the store.

Oh, my God.
Have you been to the store?

It's turning
people into animals.

They're all hoarding food.

Go to the store...
The Coronavirus is crazy.

Come on, let me
make you something.

You are a guest in my house
and I want to serve you food.

I appreciate the invite,

you trusting
a stranger and all,

but I have an acquired taste.

It's a little... different.

You know?

Bonjour,

ici château de Ace,
I am your server.

And tonight's special, oh!
Whatever you want.

We've got the fromage,
the jambon,

S'il vous plait.
Merci beaucoup.

Again, charming.

Et... boisson?

I do have
a craving, but...

Oh, come on, you have to eat.

You are a person, aren't you?

- I already...
- Dumplings!

Like, my question
with COVID-19,

is what does the 19 mean?

I've got a dumpling
for you to microwave.

So, how do you
like living below us?

Are we loud? Can you hear us?

Are we too loud?

Walter likes
masturbating a lot,

so I apologize for that.

I mean, he just lets it fly.

Hey, has it affected you?

Do you still have your job?

What do you do?
Are you a businesswoman?

Mm. You're a businesswoman,
aren't you?

Making those deals?

I mean, that was
creepy. I'm sorry.

You been watching Tiger King?

I think I'm one
of the few people

that is on
Carole Baskins' side.

I don't think
she killed her husband.

I think Joe Exotic's
crazier than that.

I feel like I'm asking
all the questions.

You know what I...
I read on, like, a first date...

not that this is a date, that
I'm saying that this is a date.

It's whatever you want it to
be. I don't like labelling.

And I heard that's not a good
thing to do, either.

Just be, you know,
a friendly neighbor.

Right.

Where's your bathroom?

It's the pee-pee police.

Just kidding. You doing
all right in there, Eva?

Sorry we're out of TP.

You know, we literally call
Walter the dump truck,

and, uh, Amazonia was
all out of the "essentials."

But we got some coffee
filters in there if you want.

They actually work
surprisingly better

at wiping your butt
than they do making coffee.

Why am I still here?

Why am I still here?

Why am I still here?

That's become
the mantra of my life.

Welcome to
my in-between, viewer.

I sometimes come here to think.

Don't get the impression
that I'm lonely or anything.

It's just Ace has kind of a...

There's something about him.

He's more than just food.

I think.

Walter, really?

Hey, Eva, I'm in my boudoir.

And then I see
the disinfectant,

where it knocks it out
in a minute, one minute.

And is there a way
we can do something like...

Look at this.

Injection...

Like... why? He's an idiot.

It doesn't make any sense.

So, it'd be
interesting to check that

so that you're gonna
have to use...

Look at
those small hands.

Wonder what else is small.

Yeah. This, uh... This whole
Corona stuff is crazy, right?

Yeah.

It's been hard.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, on everyone.

Yeah, I was, uh...
I was furloughed.

I was working
at an advertising firm,

but those guys
are crazy. Like, nuts.

Did you... Did you get
your stimulus check yet?

Like the federal
stimulus check?

Most of my work
is under the table.

- So, no.
- Really?

What do you do?

I like to draw and write.

Well, hey, if you ever
need any money, you know,

I can lend you some.
Don't be afraid to ask.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

But I have my ways.

Hey, what kind
of music do you listen to?

And do not say
country, for the love of God.

Hey, mind your
P's and Q's, partner.

Check out this song.

I've been
listening to it a lot lately.

You know, with the whole
pandemic thing going around.

This kind of, like, takes me
away from that.

- It's really nice.
- Yeah.

- Is that...
- It's nice.

- Yeah?
- Very nice.

No, it's ni... It, like, starts
out light, and then it kinda

goes into it, and you kinda
get a little bit...

No, no, no, you get into it.
Come on, come on.

You just gotta feel it,
you gotta, like, feel it in

your body. Like,
feel it in your fingers,

feel it in your toes.
Yeah, yeah. Just, like, loose.

Let it all go. Let reality go.

I feel it.

Hey, so I don't know if
you're into it or not, but...

I got some acid.

It's just, like,
a microdose, really small.

And we can do a drop
and just escape, you know?

Have you seen yourself?

'Cause I see you.

'Cause I see you.

And this is where
you.

- It's my condition...
- Where'd you go?

- Where'd you go?
- Condition...

Condition...

Eva!

It's my condition...

Eva!

Ace? Ace?

Ace?

Wake up, Eva!

Holy shit.

I really fucked up now.

Morning, sunshine.

Last night
was pretty fun, wasn't it?

Eva, where you...
where you going?

You can stay,
you know, it's cool.

You hungry?
Can I make you some food?

I don't want
any dumplings, okay?

Okay. Can I...

Can I call you?

I haven't had
a phone in years.

Eva.

I know.

I know what you...

what you are.

Shit.

Fuck.

You might not
want to watch this.

Rule 457.

Always hide
the body after feasting.

Duh.

Always be
thorough with the blood,

and bleach is your friend.

And we could be,
too, one day, viewer,

as long as you clean up
after yourself

and don't leave out
any spare body parts.

But this isn't
your first rodeo.

Now, is it?

Rule 214:

trouble is always
around the corner.

Cue shit-licker.

Tennent.

You better be decent
'cause I'm coming in.

This is a surprise.

I'm just putting some of
my things away in my apartment,

the one you're renting from me?

It's not a good time.

Sixty seconds,
then you can get back

to whatever it is you do here.

For the love of...

Here, let me help you.

No. If you could,
don't touch any of my stuff,

- please.
- Okay.

You know, I was
going to use this time to,

you know, work out,
get buff for the ladies.

But, you know...

- What's that smell?
- What smell?

Did something
crawl up your ass and die?

Up my ass, really?

Seriously,
it smells like someone died

and shit their pants in here.

That aside,
you're late on rent again.

Paul,
take your rent money.

I should
evict you right now.

Take it.

This arrangement
was week to week.

And this is your last.

You know you're lucky
I take cash.

This buys you 72 hours.

Then you're out.

Fine, 72 hours.

I'll be gone.

I'll be back
to check that smell.

Laundry's in the back. Fix it.

Hey.

Hey, are you okay?

But, like, do you remember it?

Just a little.

Just a little bit of acid.

A little bit of weed.

And a dance and we a-go

to escape reality.

Everything's going to be okay.

But I'm not done with you yet.

I'm just giving
myself a tour, Eva.

Hmm.

Ace.

Ace?

"Rule number 40:

Always keep a low profile
at all times.

Black wardrobe is preferable."

Oh, well, you're certainly
nailing that, aren't you?

Ace.

What about
rule number 17?

Never stay in one place
longer than one month,

or... or...

- Ace!
- ... six feasts.

Now, do you call
that the Thanksgiving rule?

What about
a barbecue, huh, Eva?

Do you like your steak bloody?

Ace!

Medium-rare?

But my personal favorite,
rule number two.

"Trust no one."

You don't know
what you're looking at.

Okay, that's cool.

It's okay, Eva.

Do you not remember
what you told me last night?

What?

Ooh, you don't remember.

You don't understand me.

Eva.

Vampire.

That's what you are.

Ace, sit down.

Oh, I'll sit down.

But I think
you need to sit down, too.

You want to explain yourself?

First,

it's a condition.

I know
all about conditions.

And I'm not Dracula.

Obviously.

Promise me.

- Nobody...
- I'm not going to tell anybody.

But the fact is,
I know what you are.

And I want you
to show me how it's done.

What do you say?

I don't know.

I don't... Not... That...

That was rhetorical.

Hold on.

Walter can't... Nobody can...

I'm not gonna
tell anybody, Eva.

You don't have
much say here, do you?

So, you better get
started right away.

Let's write
some new rules, together.

What do you say?

Uh...

Hmm.

This will be fun.

Come on.

God, is Walter in here?

This thing's heavy.

Dead bodies weigh a lot.

Come on, Ace.

I'm doing my part.

Oh, one more thing.

Do not pass go!

This took a serious turn.

Don't worry, pal.

Rule number nine,
I'm still in control.

An eye for an eye, as they say.

I can't be
the only one with a secret.

Little gift
from Paul's storage.

Oh, Lord.

Welcome to the Doc Antle
shuttle bus.

I don't think
she wants to start.

Vroom, vroom, baby. Here we go!

I can't believe that there's
a full body back there.

You know, it's impolite
to not finish your food.

I mean, Native Americans
use all parts of the body.

You don't do that?

Speaking of polite,
I'm sorry about the whole...

This is a bonding experience,

Eva, we're committing
this together, you and me.

We're in it together.

It's real.

It's like, you know,
the advertising firm

I was working for,
that's all a lie.

Like, just ask Walter.

It was just... Eh, no,
let's not talk about it.

It's... It's...
It's not worth talking about.

It's just blood,
crosses, darkness, light.

Bingo.

And I didn't say a word.

This guy is a chatterbox.

Something really needs
to be done about that.

You know?

Get the stuff.

Put the bodies
at the fence.

This feels like a task
for someone with experience.

This is nice.

It's quality time.

Whoo! Hey, hey, hey.

You're the first real
people I've seen in two weeks!

How are you?

Can't go lie your way
out of this one?

It's cake, watch this.

What's going on my, uh...
quarantine homie?

Oh, just out
for a little exercise,

had to get
out of that apartment.

The... The walls,
they're coming in!

- Oh, yeah, we...
- Hey, you want some beef jerky?

I make it myself.

Absolutely not,
vegetarian.

- Oh.
- Hey, man,

you really
shouldn't be out here, okay?

I mean, it's the whole
shelter in place, you know?

Listen, six feet.

Yeah, do your jog.

Okay.

What did I tell you, Eva?

Cake.

Just... Just one more
question.

Um, is... is... is your friend
digging?

Yeah, Ace,
what am I digging?

Oh, right.

Listen, man, she has
had a really tough week.

Her dad just
died from the virus.

Oh, my God.

And... And you're burying
him here?

Oh, God, no,
her dog died, too.

Yeah, this was, uh... this was
his favorite spot to, uh...

shit.

We called him Vlad the Pooper.

Little furry guy. Terrible.

Two deaths
in one week, huh?

Listen, buddy.

You better get out of here.

Okay, condolences.

Go jerk off,
jerky boy.

Huh, what do you think?
Not bad, huh?

You know, I really
should've been an actor.

Uh-huh.

Really?

At this rate,
it's gonna take hours.

Well, wait... wait a second.

What do you normally do?

It's Sunday, April
19th, day 30 of the quarantine.

A big storm
is headed towards Chicago.

From all of your family at XRB,

we hope you're staying safe
and sheltering in place.

It's about to be a wet one.

Up next, it's a special request
from our favorite.

Oh! Stay alert,
stay alert.

What do we do?

Do we just put the body in?
Like, what do we do?

Do we just throw it in?

Seriously?
We just dumped a body.

Yeah, so what's next?

You gonna eat me?

Well, I could really
smash some Chinese right now.

Last time I was here,

I went to the dim sum place.
Dim sum is okay,

but those egg rolls...

man, you just die for those.

Mm! Yeah.

Hey, speaking of death,

this whole hunter-prey
thing must be hard for you.

Like how do you find your food

with everyone
locked up at home?

Seriously, the majority
of the population

is, like,
scared to be in public.

Scared of being coughed on.

It's a very
real concern for all of us.

You see, I have this theory.

Oh, a theory,
like a conspiracy?

Are you one of those
people, those deniers?

Huh? At least you're
not one of those nuts,

you wear a mask.

I think it's possible
this disorder I have

could act as
an underlying condition.

It makes my chances
of dying higher.

Hmm, I see.

I'm like a junkie.

I'm always trying
to get my next fix.

Down the alley,
under the bridge, the markets.

Dry?

Your dealer has Corona, bars
and dispensaries are closed.

Craigslist doesn't sell
the high you're looking for.

What do we have here?

Might not be the cleanest fix.

- Hey, hey, whoa.
- What?

Look.

Take a chance.

It's cheap.

Free.

- Oh, sh...
- Ace!

You don't get it.

What? What am
I not understanding, huh?

I try to kill
with a purpose.

You know? People that
deserve to die, bad people.

Do... Uh, do these people
have purpose?

I don't think so.

Eva.

I don't think you
have any other option

if you want to want to eat.

Okay, we've come this far.

We followed the little
rabbit back to her hole.

She's all yours.

Kill your prey.

Take her.

You're hungry, aren't you?

Feast.

I'll be right here.

Go on.
I'll be right here.

Hey there.

Hi, can I help you?

How are you?

Well,
I've had better days,

but you probably
already guessed that.

Yeah.

I don't like
to assume. Are you sick?

Okay, a little
small talk, okay.

I see how...
I see how it's done.

What are you
doing out here alone?

I'm self-isolating away
from the other homeless people.

Because of the Coronavirus.

When I first got out here,
I was scared and alone,

and there was an older guy
named Joe that...

This is taking too long
and there's nobody around.

... took me under
his wing, protected me.

He taught me
how to survive on the streets.

He was my father... figure.

He died two weeks
ago from the Coronavirus.

Okay.
Oh, now she's gonna do it.

So, I'm scared, and...

I'm just keeping
my distance to be safe.

Which you should
be doing too, ma'am.

You're gonna be okay.

Be strong.

Thank you.

What...
What are you doing?

Eva, do it.

- Hey, wait!
- Kill her.

Aren't you gonna
give me some money?

Isn't that why you came over?

Bitch, please,
give me some money.

I'm sorry.

Whoa.

My God.

I hope you
had as much fun as I did.

You okay?

You... You want to stay over?

I'm just gonna
use the bathroom.

Sure, use Walt's.

I'm out of TP.

Okay.

Yeah, sorry.

I'll make us some drinks.

I think we could use it.

Walter, hey.

Oh, hey, Eva.

How are you?

One of those days.

Are you guys having fun?

Staying safe?

I'm curious,
does Ace have a girlfriend?

Or what about you?

Any special
ladies in your life?

You know,
I'm just living my life.

Happy as a clam by myself.

All right,
well, sorry to bother you.

Sounds good.

Oh, here.

Are you okay?

Do you want to talk about it?

Do I have a choice?

What's up with your arm?
Is it like a rash or something?

We talked about this.

I only kill with...

purpose.

If I can't find someone, I...

Sure.

Eva, come look at this.

I was given these lights
when I was younger.

They always bring
me comfort when it's,

you know, uneasy, chaotic.

It's peaceful.

I can help you.

We can be partners in this,

we can do it together.

We can share
this condition you have.

Turn me into what you are.

I was never...

given a choice.

Why am I still here?

That was "Another Ripper"

from Engine Summer.

The band was
originally scheduled to play

at Pitch Fork this
year, but as you know,

all shows and venues
have been closed indefinitely.

I don't mean
to be a negative Nancy,

especially on such
a special holiday as today.

Grab your lighters and let's
take a moment of silence

for the death
of all us extroverts

on day 31
of this 2020 pandemic.

Even though it's a holiday,

please wear
your fucking masks.

It's not like we're asking you
to shove a pickle up your ass.

We apologize for
this break of transmission.

We'll return you to our
program as soon as possible.

Look at you, man.
Smoke on the water.

Yeah, yeah.

Eva!

Oh!

Happy 420!

Sit down. Come on,
I got to tell you something.

Oh, yeah.

Let me, uh... Let me get
out of here. Let me...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, dude, don't take
the mask without the ask.

I'll just
get fucked in my room, then.

- Fly high. Happy 420.
- Fuckin'...

Surprised.

How high are you?

Hello?

What's on your mind?

Here, here.

420!

Okay.

Let's go
for a walk and explore.

All right.

Come on.

Ah!

So, sunlight doesn't hurt you.

How about garlic?

Crosses?

There's a lot of religious
crap around Chinatown.

Are you in pain?

Ah! I'm melting.

That's not funny.

This isn't
some Hollywood picture.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Step
on a crack, break your back.

The tropes
aren't real, but I am.

You know,
another day and I'm gone.

Have you gotten
what you want out of me?

Our relationship,

it's a two-way street.

You know, you never
told me why you're here.

Why Chinatown?

It's pretty tightknit here.

It seems like
such a specific place.

- What is it?
- What's wrong with you?

Wha... What...

You don't get
to blackmail me one day,

sleep with me the next.

I can't keep up with you.

Listen, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry
it felt like blackmail.

I... I...

The truth is,
Eva, I'm... I'm curious.

Remember that two-way street?

I'm curious about you
and you're curious about me.

Why else are you here?

I'm serious, you could
have fled this morning, huh?

You stayed.

What does that say about us?

There's no us, Ace.

- But...
- What, but there could be.

No, no. I... I know I'm not
your conventional guy...

Take a risk
for the ace of spades.

Give me one shot,
one chance tonight.

I'll take you out, proper date.

We'll have some deep
conversations, or not.

- I can talk enough
- Ace...

for the two of us.

I haven't
forgotten about you, viewer.

Can you believe
this shit I got myself into?

I promise this
won't become a romcom.

But he's right.

I'm here.

It's a date.

I tell you, Paul.

It's not easy. Lose my stuff!

I know, it's awful.

And every... everybody's...
follow the rules, don't follow

the rules, wear masks,
don't wear a mask.

Different
information every day.

I'm so ready
to get out of here.

People don't
think it applies to them.

As soon as this is over,
I may look into something else.

I'm really tired of it.

But I would miss you.

I'd miss you, too,
but I won't miss this.

I know, I understand.

I mean, I clean up...

Oh, my...

Look at the cigarette butts!

Yeah, they're
everywhere, every day.

I'm picking these up.

This is not
what I signed up for.

I see a cigarillo
tip over there.

It's got COVID on it.

- If I don't do it, somebody...
- Get away from the...

No, Paul.
I don't want you to die.

Oh, here we go.
Part of the problem.

- Oh, happy 420.
- Oh, no.

You guys celebrating

or you're starting
wars overseas instead?

We're not starting wars
and I have no idea what 420 is.

You guys know where I stand
on this whole thing

and you're out of here
tomorrow.

I can't deal
with this right now, Ace.

Well, have you ever
heard of rent forgiveness,

especially during this time?
The pandemic?

- Have not.
- A lot of landlords...

Something you
should really check out.

I'm sure they would
love to have her as a tenant.

It's really wrong
to kick somebody out

- during this time, you know.
- Well, take it up...

But that... I guess that's
your generation, right?

- Oh, it's my generation.
- Generation bust.

'Cause you guys
just suck, don't you?

Uh, our generation
saved up.

I'm sorry,
your name? Karen?

This is between
Paul-eye-na and I, thank you.

Nobody said I was nice.
I'm just here to do my job.

And if she would live
under the rules...

If you did your job,
you'd fix the washer-dryer.

Don't worry about
the washer and dryer.

She's gonna be gone.

She's gonna be gone.

She's actually gonna
move in with me upstairs

and we're gonna
split the rent.

Oh, you're gonna
start paying rent?

Our generation saved up.

Enjoy your day.

Keep hoarding
that Lysol, Karen.

We got a giant bong
we can hit.

Ugh.

Smoking a bong,
real winners.

Did she get you?

She sprayed me in my eye.

Hey, how about
you have Karen go disinfect

your saggy balls, Paul?

Yeah, that's real mature.

Like I said
that guy's a pushover,

don't worry about it.

It's all right.

Just got a little in my eye.

Looks good.

So, I'll see you tonight?

A couple hours?

Definitely.

It's gonna
be a fun day. I promise.

Sure.

That's for you, buddy.

Cheers.

Well, if you don't
like lovey-dovey montages,

now would be your
time to refill your popcorn.

The city
is your market, Eva.

For appetizers, we've got
lower whacker whackos.

Oh! On the upper shelves,

you'll find dessert
looking down upon you.

Come on, Eva.
Let's find you a main course.

Step on up
to the butcher's counter,

the financial district.
You'll find the expensive,

good cuts of meat.

Let's head down
the ethnic foods aisle.

Is that racist? I mean,
do different people

have different tastes
as vampires?

Peligro!

I'm telling you, Eva.

This is a once
in a lifetime event.

I never dreamed
I'd live through pandemic.

Look how empty the city is.

It's going to be one hell of
a story to share with our kids.

Look, we have to do a little
window shopping before dinner.

Since your food's free,
we might as well

stimulate the economy with...

Big Brother's dough.

Look at that double tie.

You know, Eva, I was kidding
about doing all the talking.

I know you're a little rusty,

but generally
that's how conversations work.

Surprisingly, we've been
having a lovely evening.

Let's keep it that way.

Even I can ruin
evenings like this.

Okay, joking aside,
let's head back.

My sweet tooth is aching.

Can't be the only one
with an itch

that needs to be scratched.

Really, Eva,
this never has to end.

You could stick around

and, you know,
we could see where this goes.

We could be a team,
partners in crime.

Ace and Eva against the world.

I'm warming up
to the idea.

Food for thought.

Oh, one sec.
Can't miss this call.

Hello?
Oh, you're already here.

Perfect timing.

You're a brave man,

on the front lines
at a time like this.

All right, listen.

I need you to do me a...
a favor.

There's an ally around
the side of the building,

meet me there.
We'll be quicker than

Carole Baskin
killing her husband.

Oh, no shit!

You're a fan, too?

I'm telling you,
she fed him to the tigers.

What kind of person would
do that to another human being?

I guess we all got our vices.

Yeah, I'll see you soon, buddy.

What a good dude.

I'm telling you,
you can get anything you want

delivered these days.

Hey, pothead.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Don't judge a book
by its cover, silly.

Dracula.

- Hey, man.
- What's going on, man?

Sorry, man,
six feet, man, you know?

Yeah, just trying to stay
strict with the social

- distancing, you know?
- Totally, totally.

I get that.
I just want to give you a tip.

All right. Sure.
No problem.

All right, boss.

Do you have
any extra chopsticks?

Yeah, man, um,
sorry, just a second here.

Here you go.

Now, no fortune cookies.

Bon appétit.

This isn't a game.

Eva, come on,
I got this for you.

You remember what I said
about ruining the night?

What are
you talking about?

Well, you managed.

Eva!

I didn't want this.

Come on, Eva!
This literally cost me

an arm and a leg.

Needless to say, Ace
didn't get lucky last night.

I came here for a reason.

We need to stay
focused, comrades.

I know, I fucked up.

But can you blame me?

It's pretty easy
to get lost with Ace.

Lucky viewer,

you and I,
we still have each other,

and nobody likes to be alone.

I want to apologize

for my outbursts yesterday.

Going forward,
I promise to uphold

the standards you
expect here at our station.

We're on day
32 now of what feels

longer than a Chicago winter.

We wish you
success with whatever

you're searching for today.

Today is the day.

It's time, I admit.

I'm leaving
here with a heavy heart.

And lingering questions.

I've never
been one to spend much time

in a single place.

But being here in Chinatown,

it was different.

I arrived seeking purpose,

and it looks
like I'll be leaving

with more questions.

Maybe things could
have been different.

In another life.

So, how was it being an
essential worker today, Walt?

Well...

I kind of realized
everyone that used to fly,

that was cool is either
dead or on lockdown, so...

Dude, I can't
believe she took my car, man.

Like, I didn't even
think she had it in her.

Not the first time
you've had relationship issues.

You know
I don't like labels, Wally.

Have you
even seen her face?

Yeah, I saw her face,
Walt, are you kidding me?

I haven't.

I don't
trust her, man.

I... I know she's
one of those people,

she gets what she wants,
then she splits.

That's not new for you.

Careful with that Malort, man.

Wally, you need
to bite your tongue or I will.

Did somebody
order a COVID test?

Now, I know I'm still
the student,

but isn't rule number 1,169

always lock your doors?

I can't believe
you stole my car.

I mean, I would have lent
you the keys if you just asked.

You know,
at least before you go,

can I take you to
my favorite place in the city?

Please?

Please?
Pretty, pretty, pretty please.

I have to finish packing, Ace.

Take me with you.

One hour.

Do you know why this
spot is so special, Eva?

Enlighten me.

It's special
because we're together.

Always with the zingers.

Never a serious moment.

No, I am being serious.

I sincerely
enjoy our time together.

You're a treasure.

Funny thing is, I didn't
know I was digging for one.

- Pure gold.
- Stop it, Ace.

This was fun until it wasn't.

I wanted things to be...

I tricked myself into
believing this could work.

It never will.

Yeah, you're right,
you're right.

Maybe I went
about it the wrong way,

but I was
trying to impress you.

I probably got wrapped
up in all the excitement.

I don't know.
What I do know...

my feelings are genuine.

And I think that I might love...

you...

Did you just
say you loved me?

Hey, you,
waterfront's closed.

- Screw you, fat boy.
- Fuck, Ace.

Eff off, pig,
the other way.

- Come on.
- I'm coming.

God...

Hey, did you say...

Yes.

Hey, did you say...
did you...

I said it, Eva.

Yeah, love.

What? Nothing?

You're gonna
say nothing to that?

What are you
running away from?

I meant it.

Here.

I have this for you.

Promise I'll wear
it the rest of the quarantine.

I promise.

But I have to go.

And you know this.

No, I know, I know.

Just give me one more night.

Okay?
One more night.

Ace.

I've got
a great surprise for you.

Ace.

- Please.
- Good... Goodbye.

And that's where my story ends.

I packed my things and rode
off into the moonlight,

my friends.

Is it okay to call you that?

I guess we shouldn't
start a friendship with a lie.

I quickly walked home and...

Not my job to pack her shit...

Great.

Paul, what are you doing?

You're outta here.
I'm packing your stuff for you.

- You should be happy.
- What do you mean

- you're packing my stuff?
- I'm packing your stuff for ya.

You're out of here.
We're not gonna negotiate

- about this. You're outta here.
- Paul, this is ridiculous.

You shouldn't be
going through my stuff.

The tenants complained.
You're out.

"Going on?" What do you
mean what's going on?

Everybody knows
what's going on in this apart...

Hey, Paul. Uh, your mail order
bride is waiting for you

- outside?
- Hey, how about you help

pack? Right now, we're talking
about her and this...

Why are you always down
here and why are you always

- yelling at my girl?
- Because she's outta this

- apartment and the stuff that...
- No, no, no, I... you know, I'm

sick of you pushing my
girl around all the time.

- ... on in this apartment.
- Yeah, and she pays rent here.

She's not paying rent and she...
this apartment stinks.

There's all kinds of stuff
going on here...

Well, maybe, maybe, Paul,
you should be the landlord

and you should
actually fix that.

You know what, kid?

Yeah, why don't you pack some
bags and make yourself useful?

I had it with you.

Both of you.

I've had it
with you, Paul!

I had it with you, Paul.

Hey, relax, easy.

Hey, guys, let's talk
about this. Come on.

You do it, Eva, you deserve it.

- No, hey.
- Do it.

We... We can work
this out, please.

Just do it! Take him, take him.

Stop!

Rent's paid, Paul.

No.

I shouldn't have...

This was a mistake.

What are you talking about?

- Eva...
- This isn't okay, Ace.

Eva, no, no, no. That was...
That was amazing.

Okay?

That was exactly what I wanted,

it was exactly what I needed.

We shouldn't
have done that.

- Eva...
- How did this happen?

I am you and you are me.

I'm not like you.

No, no, don't...

You don't deserve
the condition.

Don't...

Don't tell me about
having the condition, Eva.

Look at me.

Look at me.

What's wrong with you?

I had a year to live, okay?

I was gonna die in
12 months and you saved me.

Do you understand that?

I was gonna die.

You used me.

I helped you.

You help me.

We're in it together.

I didn't help you. Look at you.

I don't know you.

All you did was trade
one sickness for another.

You think you're saved?

You only delayed
what was coming.

And you're gonna die alone.

You think we're the same?

We're not.

You think that makes
you like me? 'Cause it doesn't.

You're a piece
of shit, and I didn't save you.

No, you did save me.

I can't save you.

You piece of shit.

You're sick.

- I'm not sick, I'm not sick.
- In the head.

- You're sick.
- No, I'm not sick.

I am you and you are me.

And we're gonna live
together. You and I.

No, Eva, we are... we are
every... we are everything

alike, okay?
We are both vampires.

Do you understand that?

Do you understand that?

Sick, and we both
have a condition.

Stop... Stop talking
about it as a condition, okay?

It's not a condition.

It's a way to live forever.

You're not
gonna live forever.

Not with me.

What, you think
you're gonna go?

Is that what you want to do?
You want to go?

No, you're not gonna go.
You're not gonna go.

You're not gonna go.
You're gonna stay.

You're gonna stay with me.

Okay, you are
gonna stay right here.

Just stay. Stay here, Eva!

You're going
to stay here with me.

What are you doing?

Welcome to Wally World.

Ace, is that you?

I found three
creatures of co...

Ace, what the hell
did she do to you?

I had a little
accident, Walter.

What happened?

Are you okay?

I did something bad.

Dude, you're not looking good.

I need you
to help me clean it off.

Ace, we got to... we got
to get you looked at, man.

No, no, no.

We got to take
you to the hospital.

It's okay.

Because I feel great.

Oh.

What happened to not
doing this anymore, man, huh?

Isn't this what we wanted?

Don't you go anywhere.

Oh, Wally.

What to do with you?

What to do?

Never was a fan
of interior design.

One small step for Ace,

one giant step for Walter-kind.

No, we're doing
it in here this time, buddy.

I see you watching me.

Now the real
journey begins, rookie.

Apologies
for that long first act.

With a narrator like her...

I'm honestly
surprised you're still here.

Yikes.

There's gonna be
some changes around here.

New rules.

First, fake it 'til
you make it or die trying.

Oh, and the pandemic?

I think it's all bullshit.

Wrong.

Rule number one:
my movie, my story, my ending.

You should have studied harder.

You would've
known I was playing dead.

What's the one trope Hollywood
got right about vampires?

A piercing to the heart...

never fails.

Eva...

Day 33 of quarantine.

Here's a quick corona update
for all you creatures

of the night.
The CDC has released a lead

for a possible cure.

We've all heard the virus
is possibly linked

to the digestion of a bat from
a market in Wuhan.

Surprisingly, a cure may also
be linked to these furry

flying mammals, and those that
share blood with them.

2020 is starting to feel
like a '70s horror flick, huh?

Until next time,
here's some "Trouble"

from Chicago's own Grapetooth.

I figured out why I'm here.

I wouldn't have guessed it
would've been you I'd fall for.

Eva.

Well, see you soon, my loves.