Vampires Suck (2010) - full transcript
Frank Crane, sheriff of Washington's Spork town, welcomes back his daughter Becca. However obvious the signs, she takes forever to recognize its Halloween-like decoration hardly masks the omnipresence of bizarrely clumsy vampires and werewolves, even in the case of her devoted youth friend Jacob White, whose canine traits extend from a tail to the irresistible urge to chase cats. She falls in love with sickly pale Edward Sullen, member of the depressed, bloodthirsty adopted family of Dr. Carlton.
(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)
BECCA: What would you do
to save someone you love?
For Edward, l would stop at nothing.
(GASPS )
What is he doing?
Edward!
Edward? Where?
Oh, my God! There he is!
Edward, we love you, you're the best!
No, Jacob's the best!
(GROANS )
(ALL YELLlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
He's exposing himself!
(GRUNTlNG)
(BOTTLE SHATTERlNG)
No! No.
Edward!
(HlSSlNG)
-(GASPS )
-(SNARLS )
(SCREAMlNG)
BECCA: Let me start from the beginning.
l used to live with my mom in Nevada.
But now she's always on the road,
because she started doing some pro golfer.
So, l came here to the foggy town
of Sporks, Washington.
Population.: 3, 120.
(GASPlNG)
(SNARLS )
Holy shit!
(SNARLS )
Make that 3, 1 19.
Anyway, l came here
to live with my dad, Frank.
He's the town sheriff.
l haven't seen you in a while.
Your hair's longer.
l grew it out.
l guess it's hard for me to accept
my little girl's growing up.
l mean, look at the size of those tits.
-Dad!
-What?
(SCOFFS )
(MYPANTlES PLAYlNG)
l feel so lonely
Nobody gets me
l am so unhappy
Why can't l find
a cool alternative boyfriend?
BECCA: There is something strange
about this town.
l couldn't put my finger on it.
(SNARLS )
l used to live here when l was younger.
But l haven't been back in a long time.
l kept your room just as you left it.
(LULLABY CHlMlNG)
Great.
Remember your hamster, Herman?
Might have missed a couple of feedings.
You could play with your dollies.
BECCA: l don't think so.
What's that?
lt's been lonely since your mom left.
(CAR HONKlNG)
Oh, hey.
You wanna come downstairs?
Some people are excited to see you.
Who wants their pacie?
Good girl.
Dad, l'm a teenager.
Right.
l guess l'd better get you
some new stuff then.
BECCA: Frank didn't get me.
l wasn't his little girl anymore.
-(EX CLAlMS )
-(THUDDlNG)
Becca, you remember Bobby White.
BECCA: Yeah.
You're looking good.
Good? l'm in a wheelchair.
l can't feel anything below my waist.
You know what's below my waist?
My penis!
Sorry.
We're all glad you're here,
especially your dad.
He wouldn't shut up about you.
Careful there, Bob,
l'm gonna roll you down the hill.
Oh, boy, l'm real scared. Bring it on.
(CHUCKLlNG)
Boy, here we go!
You're in trouble there, mister!
Oh! Oh!
-Hi. l'm Jacob.
-Hi.
(BOBBY GRUNTlNG)
We used to make mud pies together.
(CHUCKLES )
Play doctor?
Oh, right, right.
(FRANK GROANS )
l remember now.
l gave you a prostate exam.
So, are we going to be
at the same school?
l go to school on the reservation.
lt must be fun to drink and gamble all day.
Too bad we're not gonna be
at school together.
lt'd be nice to know at least one person.
(GRUNTlNG CONTlNUES )
(CHUCKLlNG)
Got you a welcome home present.
What do you think?
l think that you're trying to buy
my affection with that piece-of-shit truck
to make up for the years
that you neglected me as a father.
Told you she'd like it.
(CHUCKLlNG) That's great.
-l fixed up the engine myself.
-Thanks, Jacob.
Go ahead, hop in.
(GROANS )
Okay. So you gotta pump the gas
to start her up.
(SNlFFlNG) Damn fleas.
(SlGHlNG CONTENTEDLY)
Jacob, your foot.
Ever since puberty,
l've been feeling a little different.
(CAT MEWlNG)
Cat!
(JACOB BARKlNG)
JACOB: Come here, cat!
Come here!
(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)
BECCA: Transferring to a school
that's already in session.
Being the new kid is never easy.
Nice clothes.
Still shopping in the boys' section?
Give her a break. That's what
l used to wear when l was a virgin.
Where'd you get that haircut,
''Fantastic Lesbians''?
(BECCA GRUNTlNG)
DERRlC: Hey, new kid!
(BECCA GROANS )
-Hi, l'm Derric.
-l'm Becca.
l'm the eyes and ears of this place.
l can hook you up with anything you need.
Cheat sheets, human growth hormone,
harvested organs.
(BEATlNG)
No, thanks.
Oh, l get it. You're one of those
antisocial, long-suffering loner types.
Actually, l'm more of the humorless type.
Kind of a sourpuss, really.
Full of insecurities,
with no great personality,
yet every hot guy finds me irresistible.
You must be Becca. l'm Rick.
Damn, girl, you seem
really boring and frigid.
You want to go to the prom with me?
See?
l'm Jennifer, future prom queen.
l'm gonna pretend to be your BFF,
but if you touch Rick's wang,
l'll cut you.
(RlCK SlGHS )
Who are they?
Oh! Those are the Sullens.
They're, like, all adopted by Dr. Carlton,
so they're not biologically-related,
but they're really, really close.
They moved here a few years ago,
and they're, like, super-weird.
lt's a total mystery.
Their skin is ice-cold,
they feed on human flesh,
and they all sleep in coffins.
Maybe they're Canadian.
-Oh!
-Oh!
And who's that?
-Snooki, JWOWW, DJ Pauly D...
-No.
Not the douchebags
from the Jersey Shore.
Him.
The really pale dude with big hair
and constipated look.
(CLEARlNG THROAT) Edward Sullen.
(GlGGLlNG) He's a complete hottie.
But, evidently, no one here is worthy.
He wouldn't even accept me
as his Facebook friend.
BECCA: ''Favorite activity.
''Searching for a soul which has
been cast into eternal damnation''?
But l don't care about Edward.
l've got another guy on the side. Yeah.
Sadly, he went off
to fight in lraq for a year.
But we write to each other all the time.
His name is John.
JENNlFER: ''Dear John,
two weeks together.
''That's all it took to fall in love with you.
''And in those two weeks, you did things
to me no guy had ever done before.
''l still can't ride a bicycle. ''
Are you, like, even listening?
(SCOFFS )
Oh! You guys are having, like,
an instant connection.
How can you tell?
Duh. Hardwicke 101?
You're both staring at each other
in slow motion,
which although cheesy and obvious,
it underscores your respective yearnings.
Oh!
Right.
(SCHOOL BELL RlNGlNG)
(RETCHlNG)
Ah! Becca.
Why don't you take the empty seat
next to that mysterious boy
you're destined to have
a fatalistic relationship with
that will spawn four books
and a movie franchise?
(SNlFFlNG)
(EXHALlNG)
(SNlFFlNG)
Do l smell?
Yeah. Like tuna.
Lunch.
(AlR HlSSlNG)
l'm Becca.
l'm Edward.
So you're new to Sporks.
How do you like the weather?
l don't like cold, wet things.
So you must hate Slurpees.
(SLURPlNG)
l'm just trying to figure you out.
All right, class.
Turn to page 63 in your books.
(STUTTERS )
This is biology.
Why are we reading The Vampire Diaries?
ln the '80s, coke was all the rage.
The '90s, grunge.
Now it's the era of vampires.
lt's just super-trendy.
That's amazing.
(GURGLlNG)
(GURGLlNG CONTlNUES )
(BABY CRYlNG)
(SCHOOL BELL RlNGlNG)
(CLANGlNG)
Oh!
Hi. (GASPS )
Why aren't you wearing a shirt?
l work part-time at Abercrombie & Fitch.
lt's always the same inane questions.
''Who are you?'' ''Why are you doing this?''
''Are you a natural redhead?''
-Yeah.
-Oh, that's hot.
l got a serious case of the munchies.
And l think you know what l need to eat.
Cheetos?
Oh, hell, yeah.
Thanks, dawg. You a'ight with me.
(ANTOlNE LAUGHlNG) Whoo!
Uh...
-Antoine?
-What?
The killing.
(GASPlNG)
Oh!
Right. My fault.
You know who we are, don't you?
(SNARLlNG)
Yes.
You're the Black Eyed Peas!
Come on. Not again.
Why does everyone always think
we're the Black Eyed Peas?
l mean, her, l get. l get it.
She looks just like Fergie.
but, Jesus Christ, they don't even
have a white guy in their band!
(SNARLlNG)
Ow!
-He hit me!
-SCULLEY: That's right!
Mixed martial arts, Tae Bo,
and Yogalates created this!
Huh?
(GROANS )
How you like that, pretty boy?
(SCREAMlNG)
(DlSTORTED LAUGHTER)
Get him off me! Get him off me!
Now the elbow!
SCULLEY: Son of a bitch!
l am not afraid of you!
You should be.
(SCULLEY YELLlNG)
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
(EX CLAlMS )
(GASPlNG)
(NECK CRACKlNG)
(GROANS )
(YELLlNG)
(YELLlNG)
(YELLlNG)
Damn that overwrought
unrequited teenage love.
(STUDENTS CHATTERlNG)
BECCA: l couldn't stop thinking
about Edward Sullen.
No mortal could have
had the strength to do that.
Or possess such amazing dexterity.
He can't be human.
(EXHALlNG)
GOSSlP GlRL: Meanwhile, uptown,
Blair was getting cozy with Nate,
who was secretly crushing on Serena.
BECCA: Excuse me,
but you're interrupting my narration.
GOSSlP GlRL: Oh, shit! Wrong show!
X-O-X-O, Gossip Girl.
-JACOB: Becca !
-(GASPlNG) Jacob.
l heard about the accident. Are you okay?
Yeah, l'm fine.
l got you these.
(CHUCKLES )
Thanks, Jacob.
You're so sweet and thoughtful.
Any girl would be lucky to have you.
Just not me, of course.
You're like my little gay brother.
l heard you were hanging out
with Edward Sullen.
Stay away from him. There's just
something really odd about that guy.
FRANK: Becca !
l'd better go.
Hey, sweetheart. There you are.
There was a killing today.
Fisherman Sculley, by the docks.
The blood was drained from his body
and he had multiple bite wounds
all over his neck.
You know what that means?
The Kardashians are in town.
(GASPlNG)
Here.
l want you to have this.
-Mace?
-You're my little girl,
and there's a killer on the loose.
l'm not gonna leave
until l know you can protect yourself.
Now, l'm going to come at you,
and l want you to mace me.
-Dad...
-Honey, l've been trained for this, okay?
Here l come.
(YELLlNG)
Good God!
God damn it!
(YELLlNG CONTlNUES )
lt's so painful! lt burns!
-Sorry, Dad.
-No! l'm proud of you.
Are you okay?
Mace will only temporarily stop
your attacker.
You have to hit a man
where he breathes, Becca.
(BECCA GRUNTlNG)
(GROANlNG)
(SHUDDERlNG)
(lN HlGH-PlTCHED TONE) You got
the franks and beans there. Good for you.
But l'm still coming at you.
Rip off the moustache, sweetheart.
But you love your moustache.
lf anything happened to you,
l could not live with myself.
Do it! Do it! Do it!
(YELLlNG)
You're good to go.
(YELLlNG CONTlNUES )
(GASPlNG)
Edward?
Uh...
Am l dreaming?
Right. You're dreaming.
-So you're not really here?
-Exactly.
-Go back to sleep.
-Yeah.
(GRUNTS )
Got to...
Got to TiVo Wizards of Waverly Place.
(MOANlNG)
Patr?n! Mario L?pez!
(SlGHS lN DlSGUST)
(MUTTERlNG)
Becca, you're sleepwalking.
(YELLlNG)
(SlGHlNG)
Hey, you're sleepwalking.
(SlGHS )
(BECCA GRUNTlNG)
(CONTlNUES MUTTERlNG)
Just you breathing is the greatest gift
you could give me.
(FARTlNG)
(EX CLAlMlNG lN DlSGUST)
(GLASS SHATTERlNG)
(DOG BARKlNG)
BECCA: l started to wonder,
maybe l wasn't dreaming after all.
l had to figure out the riddle.
Who was Edward Sullen?
Was he human,
or something different entirely?
Oh, snap!
He dropped his business card!
(ENGlNE FlRES )
PRlNClPAL ON PA: Good morning,
Sporks High students!
Tickets are now on sale for prom.
And after school today, don't forget
to visit the quad for the blood drive
generously sponsored by the Sullen family.
Prom ! Come to prom !
Prom's almost here! Prom !
Here! Get your flyer for prom.
DERRlC: Check it out.
We finally got a theme.
lt's gonna be awesome.
The theme is vampires?
-We just came up with it randomly!
-Cool, huh?
(SNARLlNG)
lt's gonna be like
the festival of St. Salvatore,
like the one they have in ltaly every year
that celebrates the killing of vampires.
And we're renting out
a huge stone courtyard.
lt's gonna feel just like
we're in the 15th century.
lt should be super fun. Lots of
red capes, blood and binge drinking!
You in?
l don't know. Prom's really not my thing.
Well, it's my thing.
l mean, really, Becca, what is with you?
Prom is, like, the pivotal moment
in any girl's life.
l've only been dreaming
about being crowned prom queen
since l was a sperm
in my dad's balls. (SCOFFS )
We need to talk.
Your skin is pale white.
You dress fashionably.
And you abstain from sex.
l know what you are.
Say it.
Out loud. Say it.
-Jonas brother.
-That's right.
Wait, what?
No, l'm a vampire. Duh.
That was my next guess.
Then ask yourself
the most obvious question.
What do we like to eat?
Vampire cereal?
You need to see what l really look like.
This is why we don't show ourselves
in the sunlight.
People would know we're different.
You're shining.
No, that's just my bling.
You don't get it. l am a killer!
(EX CLAlMS )
(SCREAMlNG)
-Are you texting?
-Yeah, Jennifer.
(SCREAMlNG)
l am the world's most dangerous predator.
(CHlRRUPlNG)
l want to eat you!
My family, we're not like other vampires.
We can control our thirst
to only hunt animals
and the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
But l don't know
if l can control myself around you.
Look, Ed.
l don't like to play games, so
l'm just gonna lay my cards on the table.
l really like you.
l dig the Eurotrash heroin-chic look.
You're totally happening,
and l wanna be with you.
l can read everybody's minds but yours.
You have to tell me exactly
what you're thinking.
You're pretty,
so you don't have to be smart.
Would you like to go to the prom with me?
(CHUCKLES )
-Yes.
-That's awesome.
(SNARLlNG)
(SCREECHlNG)
BECCA: There were three things
l was absolutely positive about.
First, Edward was a vampire.
Second, American ldol
is gonna blow without Simon.
And third, the next time l saw Edward,
l was gonna hump the shit
out of him and...
-Boo.
-(GASPS )
Oh, gosh, you scared me.
There is something that l wanted to try.
Me, too. l love role-playing.
(CLEARlNG THROAT)
That's not what l meant.
(CHUCKLES )
Don't move.
Kiss me already. l know it'll be okay.
(SlGHlNG)
That was amazing.
l've never gone to first base before.
Now let's go all the way.
(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
-Purity ring.
-Yeah.
Oh!
l won't be able to resist my urges
to kill you!
-l don't mind.
-What?
Oh, God!
Becca, no!
(SlGHS )
Oh, yeah? l like it rough.
Stay away from me.
No, please, please, please, don't come
any closer! This is for your own safety.
l'm trying to protect you.
Becca?
Becca?
(GRUNTlNG)
lf this is going to work,
we're gonna have to take things slow.
l guess that's okay.
Even though my teen hormones are raging
and l want to have sex with you,
l feel conflicted about losing my virginity.
l know you'll never have sex with me,
because you're a vampire,
so, really,
it's the ultimate pubescent girl fantasy.
That was incredibly insightful.
(SlGHS )
l read it on Stephenie Meyer's
Twitter page.
Becca, l promise, as long
as you're with me, you'll never get hurt.
(GRUNTlNG)
(CLANGlNG)
Starting now.
(SNlFFlNG)
(ALL SNARL)
Shit!
Well, l think we all know whatever
killed Fisherman Sculley was no animal.
Look at those tracks.
lt could only mean one thing.
Canadians.
Damn border-jumpers.
They come here and take all the
shitty jobs us lazy Americans don't want,
and now they're killing our fishermen, too.
Yeah, Frank,
l think you're missing the big picture.
That is a big picture.
BECCA: lt was my 18th birthday,
and the Sullens were throwing me a party.
Well, this is home.
Hey.
There is no reason to be nervous.
Well, l'm different than you.
They might not accept me.
lt's like the time
when my ex-boyfriend, DeShawn,
invited me to his grandmama's house
to celebrate Kwanzaa.
(UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Dandelion, come where
the sunshine shines
When you clock that second
And your heart starts ticking
May it land on mine
lf we make it to space
l'll meet you
Oh, my dandelion
l want you to meet my family.
You must be Becca.
l'm Edward's mom, Eden.
We've heard so much about you.
Finger food?
Finger food?
That's Alex and Rosalyn.
l just know we're going to
be great, great friends.
And this is lris.
-l hope we will be.
-No, she already knows it will happen.
Some of us have special powers.
lris has visions of the future.
Oh!
-But l'm not on my period.
-You will be. lt's coming early this month.
Relax, Becca.
We're just like any other
normal American family.
Except, of course, we have no souls,
and we walk the earth trying to satisfy
an unquenchable thirst for blood.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(JEREMlAH SNlFFlNG)
-l'm Jeremiah.
-He's new to the family.
He's still trying to control
his hunger for humans.
Look, l don't want to cause any problems.
Maybe l should go.
But you have to open your presents.
Paper cut.
(JEREMlAH SNARLlNG)
(YELLlNG)
EDWARD: You're bleeding.
BECCA: Really bad, actually.
l must have hit an artery.
(BOTH SNARLlNG)
(BOTH GROWLlNG)
(BOTH YELPlNG)
Becca, your nose!
l knew l shouldn't have partied last night
with Lindsay Lohan.
(ALL SNARLlNG)
Every time l bring a girl home,
you guys try to eat her!
-lt's not fair!
-Come on!
(DOOR BELL RlNGlNG)
Someone here order Chinese food?
(YELLlNG)
Quick, they'll be hungry again
in half an hour.
What happened back there
can never happen again.
l now know, as long as l'm around you
you'll never be safe.
That's why l want you to bite me,
and turn me into a vampire.
-No.
-l keep aging and you stay the same.
l'm 18 now. l'm practically a cougar.
l just...
l couldn't live with myself
if l turned you into a vampire.
You're always sexy and healthy,
and super good-looking,
with tons of free time
and money to travel the world.
lt's a lot like being George Clooney.
Strangely, the only thing
that does keep aging is your ass.
(CLEARlNG THROAT)
lt gets pretty wrinkly over time.
You'll never see me again.
Just promise me
that you won't do anything reckless.
Okay. l promise l won't date Chris Brown.
Farewell.
Edward?
Edward! Edward!
Edward!
You're just gonna leave me here
alone in woods
in an area filled with vampires
who want to eat me?
(WAlLlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
Looks like Edward left us a treat.
Great. This is exactly what
l was talking about.
Take that!
(SCREAMlNG)
l came here to help you, bitch!
Sorry.
There's nowhere else to run.
Your beloved Edward
isn't here to save you.
(SCREAMlNG)
(SNARLS )
Hmm?
Come on, Jack. Where's the bro code, huh?
You know you don't try to eat
someone's girlfriend
right after they break up with them.
(EX CLAlMlNG)
(TRlUMPHANT MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Kardashians.
Jack, no!
(BOTH SNARLlNG)
(SNARLlNG)
Let's go!
(CHOKlNG)
Becca.
l'm going to have to suck
the venom out of you.
This is going to be tough for me
because the taste of your blood
could send me into a frenzy.
-But on the other hand...
-(lN DEMONlC VOlCE) Just do it already!
(lN NORMAL VOlCE) Okay, Edward,
l think you got all the venom out.
You can stop now.
(SLURPlNG)
(GASPlNG)
BECCA: And just like that,
Edward was gone.
l just couldn't get over him.
Why did he have to leave me?
(ROMANTlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)
And the rain is pouring down
And the tears are falling
But they never make...
BECCA: Time passed,
but my yearning for Edward
never subsided.
Everyone reminded me of him.
l couldn't get Edward out of my mind.
No matter where l looked.
No matter what l saw.
Without Edward, my life was over.
l felt like dying.
And every night, l had nightmares
that would make me scream
really, really loud.
(BECCA SCREAMlNG)
Becca. Becca. Becca. Becca ! Becca ! Becca !
You're so upset.
Let me check your levels.
(DEVlCE BEEPlNG)
Oh. That's not good.
You've got more angst than
The Secret Life of the American Teenager.
You know, honey, l'm not real good
at the whole parenting thing.
But l do know that breakups are hard.
Especially when you're dumped
by someone
as handsome and hunky as Edward.
That boy can really fill out a pair of pants.
l'm like, ''Mmm ! Look at that!
Look at that! ''
Yeah.
And let's face it, honey. You're no looker.
And you twitch a lot.
lt's kind of irritating.
That's for sure
the best piece of ass you'll ever get.
That's my girl.
Oh!
Your friend Jennifer keeps calling.
You should hang out with her.
Probably cheer you up.
l want you to say good night
to your new mommy.
(lN FEMlNlNE VOlCE) Good night, Becca.
l love you. l love you.
She really does.
Well, good night, sweetheart.
l don't get it. Why would anyone want
to date a vampire? Lame.
Yeah. So lame.
That movie's totally going to flop.
l can't believe they get married
and have a vampire baby.
(ALL GROANlNG)
Thanks for the spoiler alert, dumbshit!
(CLlCKlNG TONGUE)
lt's too bad Edward dumped you and now
you don't have a date for the prom.
'Cause that dress would have looked great
on you.
But you don't need a dress,
because Edward left you behind
in the woods like bear shit.
(GASPlNG) So l'm going to wear it instead!
(LAUGHlNG)
And check this out.
Everyone's going to be, like, super jealous.
-Couldn't you just die?
-No.
But you can.
(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
Well, this is me. Where are you parked?
Uh...
Over there.
(GASPlNG) Ooh!
Right next to those mean
and scary biker dudes?
See you at school tomorrow!
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
Hey, baby! Come over here!
You can sit on my bike.
(BlKERS HOOTlNG)
Becca. Those guys are dangerous.
Walk away.
Edward?
Ow!
Shit. Those guys are dangerous.
Told you.
BECCA: Whether it really happened
or l was just tripping out,
l figured the more crazy shit l did,
the better chance l'd have
of seeing Edward again.
JACOB: This is your brake.
And this is your throttle.
Jacob, there's...
There's something different about you.
l don't know what it is.
l've been meaning to tell you.
l'm a man now, Becca.
-Are you telling me that...
-That's right.
-l've had my bar mitzvah.
-Mazel tov!
-So will you date me now?
-(ENGlNE REVVlNG)
-Say again? l couldn't hear you.
-(CHUCKLES ) Right.
-Will you go on a date with... No, no.
-What?
Maybe if you'd stop revving the bike
whenever l'm about to ask you something
really important, you'd hear me.
-Right. Sorry.
-Thank you.
-Becca, l wanted to ask if you would just...
-(TRUCK HORN BLARlNG)
Oh, come on!
(YELLlNG) Becca,
will you go on a date with me?
Sorry, but l don't like to be
yelled at, Jacob.
l think l'll just take her for a spin.
Just one thing first.
Becca, you just cut the brake line!
(ENGlNE REVVlNG)
Becca, stop. You're going to hurt yourself.
(BECCA VOCALlZlNG)
Hey, Eddy
Well, l know it might seem petty
But l can't stop obsessing over you
Put down that guitar
and stop singing like Taylor Swift.
(BECCA GRUNTlNG)
lf this is what it takes to be with you,
Edward, so be it.
Becca ! Don't drink that milk.
-You know you're lactose intolerant.
-This is for you, Edward.
-Oh, God.
-(STOMACH RUMBLlNG)
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
Sorry. But l did try to warn you.
JACOB: Becca !
Are you trying to get yourself killed?
Uh-huh.
You're bleeding. Here.
(GRUNTlNG)
Your body is so...
...furry.
-Are those teats?
-Yeah, 10 of them, actually.
Oh!
l'd better go get you some help.
That was fast.
You are so scrumptious.
No!
Be happy it was me that found you
and not Rachel.
-Why? What happened to Rachel?
-She was...
...recast.
(GASPS )
Shh!
She wants to torture you
for what you did to Jack.
At least l will eat you fast.
(GROWLlNG)
-Becca !
-Jacob, run!
That's it? A Chihuahua?
Yeah, l guess so. This whole
transformation thing is new to me.
-You can't stop me. You're no werewolf.
-That's why l always travel in a pack.
(SNARLlNG)
(ALL SNARLlNG)
(lT'S RAlNlNG MEN PLAYlNG)
lt's raining men
Hallelujah
lt's raining men
Amen
l'm gonna go out
l'm gonna let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet
lt's raining men
Hallelujah
lt's raining men
Amen
lt's raining men, yeah
-Please.
-Get him, girls!
(SQUEALlNG)
(ALL EX CLAlMlNG)
Sign this?
Now, let's get you home.
You'll be all right now. l know it's worked!
(SCREAMlNG)
(SNlFFLlNG)
Why can't they just be together?
(SNORTlNG)
There you are!
l've been looking everywhere for you.
-You look like shit.
-What do you want?
Look, we're all sorry we tried to drink
Becca's blood, even Jeremiah.
But something terrible
has happened to her.
(BURPlNG)
Becca who? l am totally over her.
l've moved on.
l am done with normal chicks.
l've finally found someone as freaky as me.
(MYFlRST WlSH PLAYlNG)
My first wish
Turn the music up as loud as it gets
My second wish
Me and the girls are in the hottest outfits
My third wish
(SlGHlNG)
Too freaky?
Edward, l had a vision!
Becca was riding a motorcycle.
She tried to kill herself.
l fear Becca may be dead.
No.
l've got to find out.
How do you feel? lt's Edward, isn't it?
Here.
Why did you just take off your shirt?
My contract says l have to
every 10 minutes of screen time.
Hmm.
Look, Edward left you.
But l would never do that.
l want to take it out of the friend zone.
l really like you, Becca.
l like you, too.
When l'm with you,
l just feel so safe and secure.
Thanks.
As opposed to how l feel about Edward,
which is all passion, lust,
complete forbidden fruit stuff.
-l mean, with him, it's all about my vagina.
-Okay!
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
Do you mind getting that?
Sure.
-Hello.
-EDWARD ON PHONE: Officer Crane?
No, he's not here right now.
Where is he?
lt is very important that l speak with him.
(FRANK SPEAKlNG)
He's at the funeral.
-Oh, God, no.
-Yeah.
And supposedly, the body was so mangled
that the undertaker had to use Krazy Glue
to stick the head back on and put marbles
where the eyes once were.
Hello? Hello?
(SlGHS )
lt's true.
-Becca's dead.
-Edward, l'm so sorry.
l can't live without her.
(GASPlNG)
Goodbye, lris. l'm going to kill myself.
(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
(GASPlNG)
l just had another vision about Becca !
(SlGHlNG) Becca's fine.
You don't have to kill yourself anymore.
Edward!
Shit.
(RlCK HOOTlNG)
Prom rocks!
(BOTH WHOOPlNG)
l love drinking!
Oh!
What's the matter, Becca?
Still no date for the prom?
Loser!
Here, have a drink, bitch!
RlCK: She promised me sex tonight!
High point of my life!
Becca ! Get in the car, now!
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
-What's wrong?
-Edward thinks you're dead.
Why would he think that?
Um...
Beats me.
He won't live without you
and he wants to die.
He's such a romantic.
(GASPlNG)
-Becca !
-Jacob?
Becca, don't go. You belong with me.
Oh!
l need to know, who's it going to be?
ls it going to be me or him?
-Jacob, l...
-l'm not gonna take no for an answer.
l'm not going to let go
until you tell me, once and for all.
All right! Jacob, l'll tell you.
-l choose...
-Cat!
(GROWLlNG)
Come back here, pussy!
(CAT YOWLlNG)
Edward is going to the Zolturi
to have them kill him.
l saw it. l had a vision.
What are you talking about?
Who are the Zolturi?
They are the evil bloodsuckers
who only care about themselves
and their own narrow vision of the world.
-They're kind of like Fox News.
-Oh, my God.
Edward's going to expose himself
in the sunlight,
and the Zolturi are going to kill him.
They can't allow humans
to know vampires live among them.
lt could destroy us.
-Okay, where is this going to happen?
-At the prom.
The Zolturi never miss
a good St. Salvatore Day festival.
They flew all the way in from ltaly.
Say what you want about them,
but they do know how to party.
ALL: Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!
(ALL CHEERlNG)
(SCREAMS )
(DARO GRUNTlNG)
(ALL CHEERlNG)
Oh! l got skills, bitch.
Welcome, Sporks High students,
to the 2010 prom.
(HONKlNG)
And don't forget,
the main event is coming up shortly.
The crowning of your prom king and queen.
And if you haven't had a chance
to vote yet,
don't worry, there's still time.
Just to be sure.
Becca, you're the only one
that can stop Edward.
-You have to show him you're still alive.
-l'll do whatever it takes.
BECCA: So, what would you do
to save someone you love?
For Edward, l would stop at nothing.
Whoa.
You already saw this part,
so let's get to what happens next.
No!
Edward!
(HlSSlNG)
(SNARLS )
(SCREAMlNG)
Shit!
(EX CLAlMlNG)
(GROANlNG)
(BECCA SCREAMlNG)
BOTH: Uh-oh.
Edward!
Edward, it's not sunny anymore.
lt's twilight.
Hey, new moon.
Ah! Eclipse?
Look at me, everyone!
This is me in all my glory.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Oh! Lucky penny.
(CROWD EX CLAlMlNG lN DlSGUST)
Oh!
Huh?
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Edward!
Becca? You're alive?
We have to go now.
Becca, l am so sorry.
l promise you
that l will never leave you again.
The Zolturi are standing right behind me,
aren't they?
-Yep.
-Don't worry, Becca.
(SNARLS )
Not talking smack now, are we?
-Stop it!
-''Stop it! ''
-You're killing him !
-''You're killing him ! ''
-And we haven't even had sex yet.
-''And we haven't even had sex...''
Really?
Oh!
(DARO GRUNTlNG)
(RAP SONG PLAYlNG)
(THE HUSTLEPLAYlNG)
(SlNGlNG)
(EX CLAlMlNG)
-Becca. Becca.
-Oh! Dad.
There you are.
l was worried about my little girl.
You know,
there's still a killer on the loose.
But l can see you're dancing
with your friends, so everything's all right.
-Dad, no...
-No, Frank, wait.
You have to know the truth.
All of the killing was done by vampires.
Edward's one, also.
(DARO GRUNTlNG)
And Bobby White's a werewolf.
Oh, oh...
-Ow!
-BOBBY: Sorry.
-l understand.
-Thank God.
The theme of the prom ! (LAUGHlNG)
-No, Dad.
-Enjoy, okay?
Becca, by the way, thanks for everything.
(BOTH GRUNTlNG)
(ALL THRU THE NlTEPLAYlNG)
All through the night
Too close. Separate, arms length apart.
Too close. Separate, arms length apart.
(BOTH GRUNTlNG)
Too close. Separate! Arms length apart!
Hmm.
(DARO HUMMlNG)
(YELLlNG)
Say cheese.
Say cheese.
(GASPlNG)
Whoo!
What...
...the hell?
(EDWARD READlNG)
Oh!
Where's Becca?
(WHlMPERlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
Surrender now, or Salvatore
will snap her neck like a Slim Jim.
You must pay for exposing yourself.
Tell you what l'm going to do,
Ed-to-the-ward.
l won't kill you.
But Becca has to become a vampire.
-Cool?
-No, not cool. No way! Never!
All right. Pull Edward's head off,
then rip his body apart and set him on fire.
No, no, no. l mean, yes! l meant yes!
(CHUCKLlNG) Of course,
she would love to become a vampire.
She practically brings it up all the time.
Right, hon?
-Uh, l guess so.
-Then bite her now!
Bite!
(GNARLlNG)
Listen up, people!
May l have your attention?
And now the moment
you've all been waiting for.
And this year's Sporks High
prom king and prom queen is...
...Jennifer and Rick!
(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
(ALL CHEERlNG)
RlCK: Triumph for the Rick!
Congratulations.
Mmm?
-Thank you!
-Yeah!
Oh!
Hold on!
lt seems you two received
over 69,000 votes
in a class of only 300.
(ALL BOOlNG)
l'm afraid you're disqualified.
What?
Oh!
God! You asswipe!
(RlCK GROANS )
My life is over!
As your principal, l will nominate
a new prom king and queen.
(ALL CHATTERlNG)
And l will pick... l will... Let me see.
l will choose...
l pick you two!
-Us?
-Yes!
Because you two exemplify
what's best about this whole prom.
l mean,
you really look like a couple of mean,
-evil bloodsucking vampires.
-(GROWLlNG)
Oh, my God! We won! We won!
(ALL CHEERlNG)
Yes, yes, yes!
Move. Out of the way.
(HOOTlNG)
Oh!
(DARO CLEARlNG THROAT)
Edward!
Bite. Bite.
Do it.
Bite me now.
l don't want to wait a second longer.
l will only turn you into a vampire
on one condition.
Marry me.
Yes.
Are you ready?
(LAUGHlNG)
(MOANlNG)
-How do you feel?
-Perfect.
lt's how l always imagined.
l love you, Becca...
(YELPS )
Team Jacob, bitch!
(GROANlNG)
Fuck me.
(SCREAMlNG)
(lF l WAS YOUR VAMPlREPLAYlNG)
lf l was your vampire
Slim as the moon
lnstead of killing time
We'll have each other till the sun
lf l was your vampire
Death waits for no one
Put my hands across your face
Because l think
our time has come
Digging your smile apart
with my spade tongue
And the hole
is where the heart is
We built this tomb together
l will fill it alone
Beyond the pale
Everything's black
No turning back
lf l was your vampire
Slim as the moon
lnstead of killing time
We'll have each other
till the sun
lf l was your vampire
Death waits for no one
Put my hands across your face
Because l think our time has come
Beyond the pale
Everything's black
No turning back, no
Beyond the pale
Everything's black
No turning back, no
(MYPANTlES PLAYlNG)
l feel so lonely
Nobody gets me
l am so unhappy
Why can't l find a cool
alternative boyfriend
Who understands me?
We can watch the classics
Shop at Hot Topic
We're sexting dirty pics
of me in my panties
We can watch the classics
Shop at Hot Topic
Sexting dirty pics
of me in my panties
My panties, my panties
Sexting dirty pics
of me in my panties
My panties, my panties
We can watch the classics
Shop at Hot Topic
We're sexting dirty pics
of me in my panties
We can watch the classics
Shop at Hot Topic
Sexting dirty pics
of me in my panties
My panties, my panties
(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG)
l'm the one
who's always thinking about
All the ways
to get to the end of it
You came around
And l think that l found
A good reason
to try and stick with it
You're taking me down
But l like the sound
And l want to get
with you anyway
ls this solid ground
Or am l getting drowned?
l'm just as happy
taking it day by day
And in the end
We all end up the same
Love and desire
Will be you once again
Life, listen and sing
We all end up the same
And in the end
lt all goes up in flames
Scars on the skin
You're bringing me in
And l'm closer, closer
Every minute
We'll start to spin
And l'm in it to win
And l'm taking
every last bit of it
Looking at your face
Making my heart race
And l can't seem
Can't seem to make it stop
Sitting by your side
Want to go for a ride
And l'm waiting
Waiting for you to drive
And in the end
We all end up the same
Love and desire
Will be almost plain
Life, listen and sing
We all end up the same
And in the end
lt all goes up in flames
---SUB-ENG---T4P3---
BECCA: What would you do
to save someone you love?
For Edward, l would stop at nothing.
(GASPS )
What is he doing?
Edward!
Edward? Where?
Oh, my God! There he is!
Edward, we love you, you're the best!
No, Jacob's the best!
(GROANS )
(ALL YELLlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
He's exposing himself!
(GRUNTlNG)
(BOTTLE SHATTERlNG)
No! No.
Edward!
(HlSSlNG)
-(GASPS )
-(SNARLS )
(SCREAMlNG)
BECCA: Let me start from the beginning.
l used to live with my mom in Nevada.
But now she's always on the road,
because she started doing some pro golfer.
So, l came here to the foggy town
of Sporks, Washington.
Population.: 3, 120.
(GASPlNG)
(SNARLS )
Holy shit!
(SNARLS )
Make that 3, 1 19.
Anyway, l came here
to live with my dad, Frank.
He's the town sheriff.
l haven't seen you in a while.
Your hair's longer.
l grew it out.
l guess it's hard for me to accept
my little girl's growing up.
l mean, look at the size of those tits.
-Dad!
-What?
(SCOFFS )
(MYPANTlES PLAYlNG)
l feel so lonely
Nobody gets me
l am so unhappy
Why can't l find
a cool alternative boyfriend?
BECCA: There is something strange
about this town.
l couldn't put my finger on it.
(SNARLS )
l used to live here when l was younger.
But l haven't been back in a long time.
l kept your room just as you left it.
(LULLABY CHlMlNG)
Great.
Remember your hamster, Herman?
Might have missed a couple of feedings.
You could play with your dollies.
BECCA: l don't think so.
What's that?
lt's been lonely since your mom left.
(CAR HONKlNG)
Oh, hey.
You wanna come downstairs?
Some people are excited to see you.
Who wants their pacie?
Good girl.
Dad, l'm a teenager.
Right.
l guess l'd better get you
some new stuff then.
BECCA: Frank didn't get me.
l wasn't his little girl anymore.
-(EX CLAlMS )
-(THUDDlNG)
Becca, you remember Bobby White.
BECCA: Yeah.
You're looking good.
Good? l'm in a wheelchair.
l can't feel anything below my waist.
You know what's below my waist?
My penis!
Sorry.
We're all glad you're here,
especially your dad.
He wouldn't shut up about you.
Careful there, Bob,
l'm gonna roll you down the hill.
Oh, boy, l'm real scared. Bring it on.
(CHUCKLlNG)
Boy, here we go!
You're in trouble there, mister!
Oh! Oh!
-Hi. l'm Jacob.
-Hi.
(BOBBY GRUNTlNG)
We used to make mud pies together.
(CHUCKLES )
Play doctor?
Oh, right, right.
(FRANK GROANS )
l remember now.
l gave you a prostate exam.
So, are we going to be
at the same school?
l go to school on the reservation.
lt must be fun to drink and gamble all day.
Too bad we're not gonna be
at school together.
lt'd be nice to know at least one person.
(GRUNTlNG CONTlNUES )
(CHUCKLlNG)
Got you a welcome home present.
What do you think?
l think that you're trying to buy
my affection with that piece-of-shit truck
to make up for the years
that you neglected me as a father.
Told you she'd like it.
(CHUCKLlNG) That's great.
-l fixed up the engine myself.
-Thanks, Jacob.
Go ahead, hop in.
(GROANS )
Okay. So you gotta pump the gas
to start her up.
(SNlFFlNG) Damn fleas.
(SlGHlNG CONTENTEDLY)
Jacob, your foot.
Ever since puberty,
l've been feeling a little different.
(CAT MEWlNG)
Cat!
(JACOB BARKlNG)
JACOB: Come here, cat!
Come here!
(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)
BECCA: Transferring to a school
that's already in session.
Being the new kid is never easy.
Nice clothes.
Still shopping in the boys' section?
Give her a break. That's what
l used to wear when l was a virgin.
Where'd you get that haircut,
''Fantastic Lesbians''?
(BECCA GRUNTlNG)
DERRlC: Hey, new kid!
(BECCA GROANS )
-Hi, l'm Derric.
-l'm Becca.
l'm the eyes and ears of this place.
l can hook you up with anything you need.
Cheat sheets, human growth hormone,
harvested organs.
(BEATlNG)
No, thanks.
Oh, l get it. You're one of those
antisocial, long-suffering loner types.
Actually, l'm more of the humorless type.
Kind of a sourpuss, really.
Full of insecurities,
with no great personality,
yet every hot guy finds me irresistible.
You must be Becca. l'm Rick.
Damn, girl, you seem
really boring and frigid.
You want to go to the prom with me?
See?
l'm Jennifer, future prom queen.
l'm gonna pretend to be your BFF,
but if you touch Rick's wang,
l'll cut you.
(RlCK SlGHS )
Who are they?
Oh! Those are the Sullens.
They're, like, all adopted by Dr. Carlton,
so they're not biologically-related,
but they're really, really close.
They moved here a few years ago,
and they're, like, super-weird.
lt's a total mystery.
Their skin is ice-cold,
they feed on human flesh,
and they all sleep in coffins.
Maybe they're Canadian.
-Oh!
-Oh!
And who's that?
-Snooki, JWOWW, DJ Pauly D...
-No.
Not the douchebags
from the Jersey Shore.
Him.
The really pale dude with big hair
and constipated look.
(CLEARlNG THROAT) Edward Sullen.
(GlGGLlNG) He's a complete hottie.
But, evidently, no one here is worthy.
He wouldn't even accept me
as his Facebook friend.
BECCA: ''Favorite activity.
''Searching for a soul which has
been cast into eternal damnation''?
But l don't care about Edward.
l've got another guy on the side. Yeah.
Sadly, he went off
to fight in lraq for a year.
But we write to each other all the time.
His name is John.
JENNlFER: ''Dear John,
two weeks together.
''That's all it took to fall in love with you.
''And in those two weeks, you did things
to me no guy had ever done before.
''l still can't ride a bicycle. ''
Are you, like, even listening?
(SCOFFS )
Oh! You guys are having, like,
an instant connection.
How can you tell?
Duh. Hardwicke 101?
You're both staring at each other
in slow motion,
which although cheesy and obvious,
it underscores your respective yearnings.
Oh!
Right.
(SCHOOL BELL RlNGlNG)
(RETCHlNG)
Ah! Becca.
Why don't you take the empty seat
next to that mysterious boy
you're destined to have
a fatalistic relationship with
that will spawn four books
and a movie franchise?
(SNlFFlNG)
(EXHALlNG)
(SNlFFlNG)
Do l smell?
Yeah. Like tuna.
Lunch.
(AlR HlSSlNG)
l'm Becca.
l'm Edward.
So you're new to Sporks.
How do you like the weather?
l don't like cold, wet things.
So you must hate Slurpees.
(SLURPlNG)
l'm just trying to figure you out.
All right, class.
Turn to page 63 in your books.
(STUTTERS )
This is biology.
Why are we reading The Vampire Diaries?
ln the '80s, coke was all the rage.
The '90s, grunge.
Now it's the era of vampires.
lt's just super-trendy.
That's amazing.
(GURGLlNG)
(GURGLlNG CONTlNUES )
(BABY CRYlNG)
(SCHOOL BELL RlNGlNG)
(CLANGlNG)
Oh!
Hi. (GASPS )
Why aren't you wearing a shirt?
l work part-time at Abercrombie & Fitch.
lt's always the same inane questions.
''Who are you?'' ''Why are you doing this?''
''Are you a natural redhead?''
-Yeah.
-Oh, that's hot.
l got a serious case of the munchies.
And l think you know what l need to eat.
Cheetos?
Oh, hell, yeah.
Thanks, dawg. You a'ight with me.
(ANTOlNE LAUGHlNG) Whoo!
Uh...
-Antoine?
-What?
The killing.
(GASPlNG)
Oh!
Right. My fault.
You know who we are, don't you?
(SNARLlNG)
Yes.
You're the Black Eyed Peas!
Come on. Not again.
Why does everyone always think
we're the Black Eyed Peas?
l mean, her, l get. l get it.
She looks just like Fergie.
but, Jesus Christ, they don't even
have a white guy in their band!
(SNARLlNG)
Ow!
-He hit me!
-SCULLEY: That's right!
Mixed martial arts, Tae Bo,
and Yogalates created this!
Huh?
(GROANS )
How you like that, pretty boy?
(SCREAMlNG)
(DlSTORTED LAUGHTER)
Get him off me! Get him off me!
Now the elbow!
SCULLEY: Son of a bitch!
l am not afraid of you!
You should be.
(SCULLEY YELLlNG)
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
(EX CLAlMS )
(GASPlNG)
(NECK CRACKlNG)
(GROANS )
(YELLlNG)
(YELLlNG)
(YELLlNG)
Damn that overwrought
unrequited teenage love.
(STUDENTS CHATTERlNG)
BECCA: l couldn't stop thinking
about Edward Sullen.
No mortal could have
had the strength to do that.
Or possess such amazing dexterity.
He can't be human.
(EXHALlNG)
GOSSlP GlRL: Meanwhile, uptown,
Blair was getting cozy with Nate,
who was secretly crushing on Serena.
BECCA: Excuse me,
but you're interrupting my narration.
GOSSlP GlRL: Oh, shit! Wrong show!
X-O-X-O, Gossip Girl.
-JACOB: Becca !
-(GASPlNG) Jacob.
l heard about the accident. Are you okay?
Yeah, l'm fine.
l got you these.
(CHUCKLES )
Thanks, Jacob.
You're so sweet and thoughtful.
Any girl would be lucky to have you.
Just not me, of course.
You're like my little gay brother.
l heard you were hanging out
with Edward Sullen.
Stay away from him. There's just
something really odd about that guy.
FRANK: Becca !
l'd better go.
Hey, sweetheart. There you are.
There was a killing today.
Fisherman Sculley, by the docks.
The blood was drained from his body
and he had multiple bite wounds
all over his neck.
You know what that means?
The Kardashians are in town.
(GASPlNG)
Here.
l want you to have this.
-Mace?
-You're my little girl,
and there's a killer on the loose.
l'm not gonna leave
until l know you can protect yourself.
Now, l'm going to come at you,
and l want you to mace me.
-Dad...
-Honey, l've been trained for this, okay?
Here l come.
(YELLlNG)
Good God!
God damn it!
(YELLlNG CONTlNUES )
lt's so painful! lt burns!
-Sorry, Dad.
-No! l'm proud of you.
Are you okay?
Mace will only temporarily stop
your attacker.
You have to hit a man
where he breathes, Becca.
(BECCA GRUNTlNG)
(GROANlNG)
(SHUDDERlNG)
(lN HlGH-PlTCHED TONE) You got
the franks and beans there. Good for you.
But l'm still coming at you.
Rip off the moustache, sweetheart.
But you love your moustache.
lf anything happened to you,
l could not live with myself.
Do it! Do it! Do it!
(YELLlNG)
You're good to go.
(YELLlNG CONTlNUES )
(GASPlNG)
Edward?
Uh...
Am l dreaming?
Right. You're dreaming.
-So you're not really here?
-Exactly.
-Go back to sleep.
-Yeah.
(GRUNTS )
Got to...
Got to TiVo Wizards of Waverly Place.
(MOANlNG)
Patr?n! Mario L?pez!
(SlGHS lN DlSGUST)
(MUTTERlNG)
Becca, you're sleepwalking.
(YELLlNG)
(SlGHlNG)
Hey, you're sleepwalking.
(SlGHS )
(BECCA GRUNTlNG)
(CONTlNUES MUTTERlNG)
Just you breathing is the greatest gift
you could give me.
(FARTlNG)
(EX CLAlMlNG lN DlSGUST)
(GLASS SHATTERlNG)
(DOG BARKlNG)
BECCA: l started to wonder,
maybe l wasn't dreaming after all.
l had to figure out the riddle.
Who was Edward Sullen?
Was he human,
or something different entirely?
Oh, snap!
He dropped his business card!
(ENGlNE FlRES )
PRlNClPAL ON PA: Good morning,
Sporks High students!
Tickets are now on sale for prom.
And after school today, don't forget
to visit the quad for the blood drive
generously sponsored by the Sullen family.
Prom ! Come to prom !
Prom's almost here! Prom !
Here! Get your flyer for prom.
DERRlC: Check it out.
We finally got a theme.
lt's gonna be awesome.
The theme is vampires?
-We just came up with it randomly!
-Cool, huh?
(SNARLlNG)
lt's gonna be like
the festival of St. Salvatore,
like the one they have in ltaly every year
that celebrates the killing of vampires.
And we're renting out
a huge stone courtyard.
lt's gonna feel just like
we're in the 15th century.
lt should be super fun. Lots of
red capes, blood and binge drinking!
You in?
l don't know. Prom's really not my thing.
Well, it's my thing.
l mean, really, Becca, what is with you?
Prom is, like, the pivotal moment
in any girl's life.
l've only been dreaming
about being crowned prom queen
since l was a sperm
in my dad's balls. (SCOFFS )
We need to talk.
Your skin is pale white.
You dress fashionably.
And you abstain from sex.
l know what you are.
Say it.
Out loud. Say it.
-Jonas brother.
-That's right.
Wait, what?
No, l'm a vampire. Duh.
That was my next guess.
Then ask yourself
the most obvious question.
What do we like to eat?
Vampire cereal?
You need to see what l really look like.
This is why we don't show ourselves
in the sunlight.
People would know we're different.
You're shining.
No, that's just my bling.
You don't get it. l am a killer!
(EX CLAlMS )
(SCREAMlNG)
-Are you texting?
-Yeah, Jennifer.
(SCREAMlNG)
l am the world's most dangerous predator.
(CHlRRUPlNG)
l want to eat you!
My family, we're not like other vampires.
We can control our thirst
to only hunt animals
and the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
But l don't know
if l can control myself around you.
Look, Ed.
l don't like to play games, so
l'm just gonna lay my cards on the table.
l really like you.
l dig the Eurotrash heroin-chic look.
You're totally happening,
and l wanna be with you.
l can read everybody's minds but yours.
You have to tell me exactly
what you're thinking.
You're pretty,
so you don't have to be smart.
Would you like to go to the prom with me?
(CHUCKLES )
-Yes.
-That's awesome.
(SNARLlNG)
(SCREECHlNG)
BECCA: There were three things
l was absolutely positive about.
First, Edward was a vampire.
Second, American ldol
is gonna blow without Simon.
And third, the next time l saw Edward,
l was gonna hump the shit
out of him and...
-Boo.
-(GASPS )
Oh, gosh, you scared me.
There is something that l wanted to try.
Me, too. l love role-playing.
(CLEARlNG THROAT)
That's not what l meant.
(CHUCKLES )
Don't move.
Kiss me already. l know it'll be okay.
(SlGHlNG)
That was amazing.
l've never gone to first base before.
Now let's go all the way.
(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
-Purity ring.
-Yeah.
Oh!
l won't be able to resist my urges
to kill you!
-l don't mind.
-What?
Oh, God!
Becca, no!
(SlGHS )
Oh, yeah? l like it rough.
Stay away from me.
No, please, please, please, don't come
any closer! This is for your own safety.
l'm trying to protect you.
Becca?
Becca?
(GRUNTlNG)
lf this is going to work,
we're gonna have to take things slow.
l guess that's okay.
Even though my teen hormones are raging
and l want to have sex with you,
l feel conflicted about losing my virginity.
l know you'll never have sex with me,
because you're a vampire,
so, really,
it's the ultimate pubescent girl fantasy.
That was incredibly insightful.
(SlGHS )
l read it on Stephenie Meyer's
Twitter page.
Becca, l promise, as long
as you're with me, you'll never get hurt.
(GRUNTlNG)
(CLANGlNG)
Starting now.
(SNlFFlNG)
(ALL SNARL)
Shit!
Well, l think we all know whatever
killed Fisherman Sculley was no animal.
Look at those tracks.
lt could only mean one thing.
Canadians.
Damn border-jumpers.
They come here and take all the
shitty jobs us lazy Americans don't want,
and now they're killing our fishermen, too.
Yeah, Frank,
l think you're missing the big picture.
That is a big picture.
BECCA: lt was my 18th birthday,
and the Sullens were throwing me a party.
Well, this is home.
Hey.
There is no reason to be nervous.
Well, l'm different than you.
They might not accept me.
lt's like the time
when my ex-boyfriend, DeShawn,
invited me to his grandmama's house
to celebrate Kwanzaa.
(UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Dandelion, come where
the sunshine shines
When you clock that second
And your heart starts ticking
May it land on mine
lf we make it to space
l'll meet you
Oh, my dandelion
l want you to meet my family.
You must be Becca.
l'm Edward's mom, Eden.
We've heard so much about you.
Finger food?
Finger food?
That's Alex and Rosalyn.
l just know we're going to
be great, great friends.
And this is lris.
-l hope we will be.
-No, she already knows it will happen.
Some of us have special powers.
lris has visions of the future.
Oh!
-But l'm not on my period.
-You will be. lt's coming early this month.
Relax, Becca.
We're just like any other
normal American family.
Except, of course, we have no souls,
and we walk the earth trying to satisfy
an unquenchable thirst for blood.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(JEREMlAH SNlFFlNG)
-l'm Jeremiah.
-He's new to the family.
He's still trying to control
his hunger for humans.
Look, l don't want to cause any problems.
Maybe l should go.
But you have to open your presents.
Paper cut.
(JEREMlAH SNARLlNG)
(YELLlNG)
EDWARD: You're bleeding.
BECCA: Really bad, actually.
l must have hit an artery.
(BOTH SNARLlNG)
(BOTH GROWLlNG)
(BOTH YELPlNG)
Becca, your nose!
l knew l shouldn't have partied last night
with Lindsay Lohan.
(ALL SNARLlNG)
Every time l bring a girl home,
you guys try to eat her!
-lt's not fair!
-Come on!
(DOOR BELL RlNGlNG)
Someone here order Chinese food?
(YELLlNG)
Quick, they'll be hungry again
in half an hour.
What happened back there
can never happen again.
l now know, as long as l'm around you
you'll never be safe.
That's why l want you to bite me,
and turn me into a vampire.
-No.
-l keep aging and you stay the same.
l'm 18 now. l'm practically a cougar.
l just...
l couldn't live with myself
if l turned you into a vampire.
You're always sexy and healthy,
and super good-looking,
with tons of free time
and money to travel the world.
lt's a lot like being George Clooney.
Strangely, the only thing
that does keep aging is your ass.
(CLEARlNG THROAT)
lt gets pretty wrinkly over time.
You'll never see me again.
Just promise me
that you won't do anything reckless.
Okay. l promise l won't date Chris Brown.
Farewell.
Edward?
Edward! Edward!
Edward!
You're just gonna leave me here
alone in woods
in an area filled with vampires
who want to eat me?
(WAlLlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
Looks like Edward left us a treat.
Great. This is exactly what
l was talking about.
Take that!
(SCREAMlNG)
l came here to help you, bitch!
Sorry.
There's nowhere else to run.
Your beloved Edward
isn't here to save you.
(SCREAMlNG)
(SNARLS )
Hmm?
Come on, Jack. Where's the bro code, huh?
You know you don't try to eat
someone's girlfriend
right after they break up with them.
(EX CLAlMlNG)
(TRlUMPHANT MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Kardashians.
Jack, no!
(BOTH SNARLlNG)
(SNARLlNG)
Let's go!
(CHOKlNG)
Becca.
l'm going to have to suck
the venom out of you.
This is going to be tough for me
because the taste of your blood
could send me into a frenzy.
-But on the other hand...
-(lN DEMONlC VOlCE) Just do it already!
(lN NORMAL VOlCE) Okay, Edward,
l think you got all the venom out.
You can stop now.
(SLURPlNG)
(GASPlNG)
BECCA: And just like that,
Edward was gone.
l just couldn't get over him.
Why did he have to leave me?
(ROMANTlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)
And the rain is pouring down
And the tears are falling
But they never make...
BECCA: Time passed,
but my yearning for Edward
never subsided.
Everyone reminded me of him.
l couldn't get Edward out of my mind.
No matter where l looked.
No matter what l saw.
Without Edward, my life was over.
l felt like dying.
And every night, l had nightmares
that would make me scream
really, really loud.
(BECCA SCREAMlNG)
Becca. Becca. Becca. Becca ! Becca ! Becca !
You're so upset.
Let me check your levels.
(DEVlCE BEEPlNG)
Oh. That's not good.
You've got more angst than
The Secret Life of the American Teenager.
You know, honey, l'm not real good
at the whole parenting thing.
But l do know that breakups are hard.
Especially when you're dumped
by someone
as handsome and hunky as Edward.
That boy can really fill out a pair of pants.
l'm like, ''Mmm ! Look at that!
Look at that! ''
Yeah.
And let's face it, honey. You're no looker.
And you twitch a lot.
lt's kind of irritating.
That's for sure
the best piece of ass you'll ever get.
That's my girl.
Oh!
Your friend Jennifer keeps calling.
You should hang out with her.
Probably cheer you up.
l want you to say good night
to your new mommy.
(lN FEMlNlNE VOlCE) Good night, Becca.
l love you. l love you.
She really does.
Well, good night, sweetheart.
l don't get it. Why would anyone want
to date a vampire? Lame.
Yeah. So lame.
That movie's totally going to flop.
l can't believe they get married
and have a vampire baby.
(ALL GROANlNG)
Thanks for the spoiler alert, dumbshit!
(CLlCKlNG TONGUE)
lt's too bad Edward dumped you and now
you don't have a date for the prom.
'Cause that dress would have looked great
on you.
But you don't need a dress,
because Edward left you behind
in the woods like bear shit.
(GASPlNG) So l'm going to wear it instead!
(LAUGHlNG)
And check this out.
Everyone's going to be, like, super jealous.
-Couldn't you just die?
-No.
But you can.
(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
Well, this is me. Where are you parked?
Uh...
Over there.
(GASPlNG) Ooh!
Right next to those mean
and scary biker dudes?
See you at school tomorrow!
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
Hey, baby! Come over here!
You can sit on my bike.
(BlKERS HOOTlNG)
Becca. Those guys are dangerous.
Walk away.
Edward?
Ow!
Shit. Those guys are dangerous.
Told you.
BECCA: Whether it really happened
or l was just tripping out,
l figured the more crazy shit l did,
the better chance l'd have
of seeing Edward again.
JACOB: This is your brake.
And this is your throttle.
Jacob, there's...
There's something different about you.
l don't know what it is.
l've been meaning to tell you.
l'm a man now, Becca.
-Are you telling me that...
-That's right.
-l've had my bar mitzvah.
-Mazel tov!
-So will you date me now?
-(ENGlNE REVVlNG)
-Say again? l couldn't hear you.
-(CHUCKLES ) Right.
-Will you go on a date with... No, no.
-What?
Maybe if you'd stop revving the bike
whenever l'm about to ask you something
really important, you'd hear me.
-Right. Sorry.
-Thank you.
-Becca, l wanted to ask if you would just...
-(TRUCK HORN BLARlNG)
Oh, come on!
(YELLlNG) Becca,
will you go on a date with me?
Sorry, but l don't like to be
yelled at, Jacob.
l think l'll just take her for a spin.
Just one thing first.
Becca, you just cut the brake line!
(ENGlNE REVVlNG)
Becca, stop. You're going to hurt yourself.
(BECCA VOCALlZlNG)
Hey, Eddy
Well, l know it might seem petty
But l can't stop obsessing over you
Put down that guitar
and stop singing like Taylor Swift.
(BECCA GRUNTlNG)
lf this is what it takes to be with you,
Edward, so be it.
Becca ! Don't drink that milk.
-You know you're lactose intolerant.
-This is for you, Edward.
-Oh, God.
-(STOMACH RUMBLlNG)
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
Sorry. But l did try to warn you.
JACOB: Becca !
Are you trying to get yourself killed?
Uh-huh.
You're bleeding. Here.
(GRUNTlNG)
Your body is so...
...furry.
-Are those teats?
-Yeah, 10 of them, actually.
Oh!
l'd better go get you some help.
That was fast.
You are so scrumptious.
No!
Be happy it was me that found you
and not Rachel.
-Why? What happened to Rachel?
-She was...
...recast.
(GASPS )
Shh!
She wants to torture you
for what you did to Jack.
At least l will eat you fast.
(GROWLlNG)
-Becca !
-Jacob, run!
That's it? A Chihuahua?
Yeah, l guess so. This whole
transformation thing is new to me.
-You can't stop me. You're no werewolf.
-That's why l always travel in a pack.
(SNARLlNG)
(ALL SNARLlNG)
(lT'S RAlNlNG MEN PLAYlNG)
lt's raining men
Hallelujah
lt's raining men
Amen
l'm gonna go out
l'm gonna let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet
lt's raining men
Hallelujah
lt's raining men
Amen
lt's raining men, yeah
-Please.
-Get him, girls!
(SQUEALlNG)
(ALL EX CLAlMlNG)
Sign this?
Now, let's get you home.
You'll be all right now. l know it's worked!
(SCREAMlNG)
(SNlFFLlNG)
Why can't they just be together?
(SNORTlNG)
There you are!
l've been looking everywhere for you.
-You look like shit.
-What do you want?
Look, we're all sorry we tried to drink
Becca's blood, even Jeremiah.
But something terrible
has happened to her.
(BURPlNG)
Becca who? l am totally over her.
l've moved on.
l am done with normal chicks.
l've finally found someone as freaky as me.
(MYFlRST WlSH PLAYlNG)
My first wish
Turn the music up as loud as it gets
My second wish
Me and the girls are in the hottest outfits
My third wish
(SlGHlNG)
Too freaky?
Edward, l had a vision!
Becca was riding a motorcycle.
She tried to kill herself.
l fear Becca may be dead.
No.
l've got to find out.
How do you feel? lt's Edward, isn't it?
Here.
Why did you just take off your shirt?
My contract says l have to
every 10 minutes of screen time.
Hmm.
Look, Edward left you.
But l would never do that.
l want to take it out of the friend zone.
l really like you, Becca.
l like you, too.
When l'm with you,
l just feel so safe and secure.
Thanks.
As opposed to how l feel about Edward,
which is all passion, lust,
complete forbidden fruit stuff.
-l mean, with him, it's all about my vagina.
-Okay!
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
Do you mind getting that?
Sure.
-Hello.
-EDWARD ON PHONE: Officer Crane?
No, he's not here right now.
Where is he?
lt is very important that l speak with him.
(FRANK SPEAKlNG)
He's at the funeral.
-Oh, God, no.
-Yeah.
And supposedly, the body was so mangled
that the undertaker had to use Krazy Glue
to stick the head back on and put marbles
where the eyes once were.
Hello? Hello?
(SlGHS )
lt's true.
-Becca's dead.
-Edward, l'm so sorry.
l can't live without her.
(GASPlNG)
Goodbye, lris. l'm going to kill myself.
(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
(GASPlNG)
l just had another vision about Becca !
(SlGHlNG) Becca's fine.
You don't have to kill yourself anymore.
Edward!
Shit.
(RlCK HOOTlNG)
Prom rocks!
(BOTH WHOOPlNG)
l love drinking!
Oh!
What's the matter, Becca?
Still no date for the prom?
Loser!
Here, have a drink, bitch!
RlCK: She promised me sex tonight!
High point of my life!
Becca ! Get in the car, now!
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
-What's wrong?
-Edward thinks you're dead.
Why would he think that?
Um...
Beats me.
He won't live without you
and he wants to die.
He's such a romantic.
(GASPlNG)
-Becca !
-Jacob?
Becca, don't go. You belong with me.
Oh!
l need to know, who's it going to be?
ls it going to be me or him?
-Jacob, l...
-l'm not gonna take no for an answer.
l'm not going to let go
until you tell me, once and for all.
All right! Jacob, l'll tell you.
-l choose...
-Cat!
(GROWLlNG)
Come back here, pussy!
(CAT YOWLlNG)
Edward is going to the Zolturi
to have them kill him.
l saw it. l had a vision.
What are you talking about?
Who are the Zolturi?
They are the evil bloodsuckers
who only care about themselves
and their own narrow vision of the world.
-They're kind of like Fox News.
-Oh, my God.
Edward's going to expose himself
in the sunlight,
and the Zolturi are going to kill him.
They can't allow humans
to know vampires live among them.
lt could destroy us.
-Okay, where is this going to happen?
-At the prom.
The Zolturi never miss
a good St. Salvatore Day festival.
They flew all the way in from ltaly.
Say what you want about them,
but they do know how to party.
ALL: Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!
(ALL CHEERlNG)
(SCREAMS )
(DARO GRUNTlNG)
(ALL CHEERlNG)
Oh! l got skills, bitch.
Welcome, Sporks High students,
to the 2010 prom.
(HONKlNG)
And don't forget,
the main event is coming up shortly.
The crowning of your prom king and queen.
And if you haven't had a chance
to vote yet,
don't worry, there's still time.
Just to be sure.
Becca, you're the only one
that can stop Edward.
-You have to show him you're still alive.
-l'll do whatever it takes.
BECCA: So, what would you do
to save someone you love?
For Edward, l would stop at nothing.
Whoa.
You already saw this part,
so let's get to what happens next.
No!
Edward!
(HlSSlNG)
(SNARLS )
(SCREAMlNG)
Shit!
(EX CLAlMlNG)
(GROANlNG)
(BECCA SCREAMlNG)
BOTH: Uh-oh.
Edward!
Edward, it's not sunny anymore.
lt's twilight.
Hey, new moon.
Ah! Eclipse?
Look at me, everyone!
This is me in all my glory.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Oh! Lucky penny.
(CROWD EX CLAlMlNG lN DlSGUST)
Oh!
Huh?
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Edward!
Becca? You're alive?
We have to go now.
Becca, l am so sorry.
l promise you
that l will never leave you again.
The Zolturi are standing right behind me,
aren't they?
-Yep.
-Don't worry, Becca.
(SNARLS )
Not talking smack now, are we?
-Stop it!
-''Stop it! ''
-You're killing him !
-''You're killing him ! ''
-And we haven't even had sex yet.
-''And we haven't even had sex...''
Really?
Oh!
(DARO GRUNTlNG)
(RAP SONG PLAYlNG)
(THE HUSTLEPLAYlNG)
(SlNGlNG)
(EX CLAlMlNG)
-Becca. Becca.
-Oh! Dad.
There you are.
l was worried about my little girl.
You know,
there's still a killer on the loose.
But l can see you're dancing
with your friends, so everything's all right.
-Dad, no...
-No, Frank, wait.
You have to know the truth.
All of the killing was done by vampires.
Edward's one, also.
(DARO GRUNTlNG)
And Bobby White's a werewolf.
Oh, oh...
-Ow!
-BOBBY: Sorry.
-l understand.
-Thank God.
The theme of the prom ! (LAUGHlNG)
-No, Dad.
-Enjoy, okay?
Becca, by the way, thanks for everything.
(BOTH GRUNTlNG)
(ALL THRU THE NlTEPLAYlNG)
All through the night
Too close. Separate, arms length apart.
Too close. Separate, arms length apart.
(BOTH GRUNTlNG)
Too close. Separate! Arms length apart!
Hmm.
(DARO HUMMlNG)
(YELLlNG)
Say cheese.
Say cheese.
(GASPlNG)
Whoo!
What...
...the hell?
(EDWARD READlNG)
Oh!
Where's Becca?
(WHlMPERlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
Surrender now, or Salvatore
will snap her neck like a Slim Jim.
You must pay for exposing yourself.
Tell you what l'm going to do,
Ed-to-the-ward.
l won't kill you.
But Becca has to become a vampire.
-Cool?
-No, not cool. No way! Never!
All right. Pull Edward's head off,
then rip his body apart and set him on fire.
No, no, no. l mean, yes! l meant yes!
(CHUCKLlNG) Of course,
she would love to become a vampire.
She practically brings it up all the time.
Right, hon?
-Uh, l guess so.
-Then bite her now!
Bite!
(GNARLlNG)
Listen up, people!
May l have your attention?
And now the moment
you've all been waiting for.
And this year's Sporks High
prom king and prom queen is...
...Jennifer and Rick!
(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
(ALL CHEERlNG)
RlCK: Triumph for the Rick!
Congratulations.
Mmm?
-Thank you!
-Yeah!
Oh!
Hold on!
lt seems you two received
over 69,000 votes
in a class of only 300.
(ALL BOOlNG)
l'm afraid you're disqualified.
What?
Oh!
God! You asswipe!
(RlCK GROANS )
My life is over!
As your principal, l will nominate
a new prom king and queen.
(ALL CHATTERlNG)
And l will pick... l will... Let me see.
l will choose...
l pick you two!
-Us?
-Yes!
Because you two exemplify
what's best about this whole prom.
l mean,
you really look like a couple of mean,
-evil bloodsucking vampires.
-(GROWLlNG)
Oh, my God! We won! We won!
(ALL CHEERlNG)
Yes, yes, yes!
Move. Out of the way.
(HOOTlNG)
Oh!
(DARO CLEARlNG THROAT)
Edward!
Bite. Bite.
Do it.
Bite me now.
l don't want to wait a second longer.
l will only turn you into a vampire
on one condition.
Marry me.
Yes.
Are you ready?
(LAUGHlNG)
(MOANlNG)
-How do you feel?
-Perfect.
lt's how l always imagined.
l love you, Becca...
(YELPS )
Team Jacob, bitch!
(GROANlNG)
Fuck me.
(SCREAMlNG)
(lF l WAS YOUR VAMPlREPLAYlNG)
lf l was your vampire
Slim as the moon
lnstead of killing time
We'll have each other till the sun
lf l was your vampire
Death waits for no one
Put my hands across your face
Because l think
our time has come
Digging your smile apart
with my spade tongue
And the hole
is where the heart is
We built this tomb together
l will fill it alone
Beyond the pale
Everything's black
No turning back
lf l was your vampire
Slim as the moon
lnstead of killing time
We'll have each other
till the sun
lf l was your vampire
Death waits for no one
Put my hands across your face
Because l think our time has come
Beyond the pale
Everything's black
No turning back, no
Beyond the pale
Everything's black
No turning back, no
(MYPANTlES PLAYlNG)
l feel so lonely
Nobody gets me
l am so unhappy
Why can't l find a cool
alternative boyfriend
Who understands me?
We can watch the classics
Shop at Hot Topic
We're sexting dirty pics
of me in my panties
We can watch the classics
Shop at Hot Topic
Sexting dirty pics
of me in my panties
My panties, my panties
Sexting dirty pics
of me in my panties
My panties, my panties
We can watch the classics
Shop at Hot Topic
We're sexting dirty pics
of me in my panties
We can watch the classics
Shop at Hot Topic
Sexting dirty pics
of me in my panties
My panties, my panties
(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG)
l'm the one
who's always thinking about
All the ways
to get to the end of it
You came around
And l think that l found
A good reason
to try and stick with it
You're taking me down
But l like the sound
And l want to get
with you anyway
ls this solid ground
Or am l getting drowned?
l'm just as happy
taking it day by day
And in the end
We all end up the same
Love and desire
Will be you once again
Life, listen and sing
We all end up the same
And in the end
lt all goes up in flames
Scars on the skin
You're bringing me in
And l'm closer, closer
Every minute
We'll start to spin
And l'm in it to win
And l'm taking
every last bit of it
Looking at your face
Making my heart race
And l can't seem
Can't seem to make it stop
Sitting by your side
Want to go for a ride
And l'm waiting
Waiting for you to drive
And in the end
We all end up the same
Love and desire
Will be almost plain
Life, listen and sing
We all end up the same
And in the end
lt all goes up in flames
---SUB-ENG---T4P3---