Vampire Over London (1952) - full transcript

The mysterious figure known as the Vampire comes to England to complete experiments in his mad bid to gain control of the world. When the radar-controlled Robot which he had ordered shipped to him is delivered instead to Mother Riley, the Vampire, through radar control, has the Robot transport itself as well as Mother Riley to the proper the old lady goes into a whirl of side-splitting action in a determined effort to frustrate the plans of the sinister Vampire.

(regal music)


(dramatic music)

- [Voiceover] SS Fernwood disembarking

passengers on Pier 27.

SS Fernwood disembarking
passengers on Pier 27.

SS Fernwood disembarking
passengers on Pier 27.

(dock worker talking in background)

- There she is.

- Right, turn the car on.

- Oh, there you are, darling.

Everything fixed.

- Where's my luggage?

- I'll be with you in a few minutes.

(dock worker talking in background)

(footsteps on dock)

- Ms. Julia Loretti, I believe?

- Yes?

- I am from the Ministry.

My car is waiting to
take you to your hotel.

Yes, this way please.

- If you will excuse me, but I don't--

- Everything is taken care of.

In here please.

- Did you say you're from the Ministry?

- Yes, I did, right.

- I did not know they had foreigners

in the British Ministry.

- Oh, my dear Ms. Loretti,

this is the Foreign Ministry.

(ship horn bellows)

Come along, in here.

- Hey!

Excuse me.

Hey, stop that car!

(car zooms away)

(bell dings and laser zaps)

- Read all about it!

Vampires still alive!

Thank you sir.

Vampires still alive!

They have struck!

They have struck!

Vampires still alive!

- Good morning, Captain.

- Sit down Gentlemen.

I just received this cable
from the Bosnic Police.

I will read it to you.

That is calling himself a
vampire is a man Van Housen,

born is Bosnic in 1894.

He is a descendant of Baron Van Housen,

whom legend immortalized as a vampire.

For reasons of his own, Van Housen

claims to be an earthly reproduction

of his notorious ancestor.

Owing his continual existence to the

consumption of human blood.

Needless to say, there is not the

faintest vestige of truth in his claim.

But he does not deny that he is

a scientist of considerable refute

and his activities shall be restrained.

- Restrained?

That's putting it pretty
mildly, isn't it sir?

- 13 women have disappeared
in the London area

in the last six weeks, sir.

- And six weeks ago,
Van Housen is believed

to have arrived in this country.

- That's quite true, but I think

the connection's coincidental.

Personally, I believe we are dealing

with a dangerous character.

Not for what he claims to be,

but for what he is.

A fanatical scientist with a stupid

gang of men who have allowed themselves

to be mesmerized by legend.

- What about this girl, Julia Loretti?

- Looks to me as though she may be

of particular interest to Van Housen.

She was bringing into this country

a chart showing an important

uranium deposit in South America.

I expect Van Housen would
like to get his hands on that.


- There is still no clue as to the

whereabouts of Ms. Julia Loretti,

daughter of the famous Italian scientist,

Yurameno Loretti.

Ms. Loretti arrived in this
country this afternoon,

and is believed to have
been kidnapped by agents

of a mysterious scientist
known as The Vampire,

whose suspected presence in England

is causing widespread alarm.

(Irish flute music)

(caricature arguing)

- And I still want my rent.

- The rent!

Good thing they can't export a mold depot.

- But I just dropped by,
Mrs., for a drop of you know.

- Eight weeks late.

Come on, hand it over!

- Shame on him for
worrying you, Mrs. Riley.

He's an old vampire.

- You're telling me.

And to think I let that man

(mumbling angrily)

from under the counter.

- And it's still eight weeks.

- You're a poor creature, a poor creature!

(lady customer mumbling an interruption)

- Mama!


- Hey Riley, clear out.

- Did you hear what he said?

Did you take a note of that?

- Cut the cackle!

- I'll come back later for the, you know.

- You know what?

Got me eggs now?

- Yes depends on whether or not the hen--


- Sorry, it's not laying today.

It's molting.

- Yippee, yippee!

(car honking)

Why don't you look where you're going!

- Vampire strikes again!

- Read all about it!

Vampire snags a new victim!

Vampire strikes again!

- Hush!

What was that?

- [Newspaper Man] Vampire strikes again!

Read all about!

Vampire snags a new victim!

- A vampire!

It must mean you.

- Haven't you been
following it in the papers?

This is the fifth victim, this is.

- It could be any of us next.

- Any of us?

- Yes it could even be you.

- Me?

Wh, Wh, What does he do with his victims?

- He drinks their blood.


- Drinks their blood?

- Every drop.

- Every drop?

- Every drop.

- What a thirst.

- Yes, and he only picks beautiful, young,

unattached girls.

- That's us!

- Oh, don't talk a lot of nonsense.

What could he expect to find

in a scraggy lot of old
boiling sows like you?

Not even feathers.

- Mr. Ben, your manners are
positively disgustorating.

Ain't they girls?

- What there is of them.

- Pity the vampire
wouldn't spirit you away,

where you can't go pestering decent folk.

- I'm only doing my duty,

no more or no less.

And if everyone did their duty

as good as I do,

I wouldn't have to around singing

about on every effort
trying to live rent free.

- You're a blood sucker,
that's what you are.

You out-vamp the vampire.

- Oh and what do you think you are, hey?

You're a parasite, that's what you are.

You're as brazen as they come.

Are you ashamed that
I would need the money

that you can't pay me?


Well, I'm asking you.

What are you going to do about it?

What are you going to do about it!?!

- Not a thing!


(upbeat music)

♫Some people have a fit
when the rent comes due

♫Some people do a flick

♫ you're due six months too

♫ I won't do either

♫ That's all some bull

♫ When the rent collector calls

♫ this is what I do

♫ I look out my window

♫ and I say tweet, tweet,

♫ shush, shush, now, now, come, come

♫ No need to leave or go away too soon

♫ shush, shush, now, now, come, come

♫ Do I want to fight

♫ or threaten to bite

♫ Do I pound you like a drum

♫ No

♫ I look out my window

♫ and I say tweet, tweet,

♫ shush, shush, now, now, come, come

♫ Don't try that lie with me

♫ It has no effect

♫ He didn't have to say

♫ he could ukulele

♫ So I have a heartache,

♫ What would she do

♫ I'm sure broke open a half a scotch

♫ a bone to throw at you

♫ so if you have nothing and they say

♫tweet, tweet, shush, shush, now, now

♫come, come

♫You don't need to linger

♫Go away, tweet, tweet,

♫shush, shush, now, now, come, come

♫If I had one wish

♫it's you that I dish

♫and I'd only use my thumb

♫So, lift up your finger

♫ and we say tweet, tweet

♫shush, shush, now, now, come, come♫

(bell ringing)

- [Mother Riley] Madam.

- You know, have any of it yet?

- Come back I'm shut.

- If you haven't got any
eggs, I'll have the chicken.

- What about my rent?

- Telegram for Mrs. Riley.

- Telegram?

Now who'd be sending me a telegram?

- Come on open it up, open it up.

- Can't open it up.

- Why can't you?

- It's not stuck down.

- Oh you silly old faggot.

- Faggot indeed.

Did you hear what he called me?

Me a faggot?

- Is there any answer ma'am?

- No there ain't.

And if there was, I wouldn't tell you.

- What time should I
come back for, you know?

- Come on, open it up, open it up.

Let's see what it is.

- Aren't you the nosy Parker?

- Bad news, doll?

- Not at all.

It's from Ireland.

And it's tellin' me that me

Uncle Jeremiah died.

And left me the whole of his fortune!

- Uh, I bet that's not a
fortune she never gets.

Come on, let's see what it says!

- Here, give me that
back, give me that back.

You're reading me same information.

Give me the telegram back!


- Well, stone to close.

Listen to this.

Uncle Jeremiah's will found yesterday.

He has willed everything to you,

- Including the family place.

- And is fetching it today.

- Well, where is the dear old lady?

- Oh!

- What are you doing there, come on.

- Come on.

- There you go.

- Oh!


- Get something to dust her off with.

- Stop it, stop it!

It reminds me of an English summer.

(bird cooing)

- Good evening, Freda.

- Good evening.

You had better go the Master yourself.

He will be arriving shortly.

- At once, Freda at once.


(door opens and closes)

(dramatic music)


(bird cooing)

(intense music)

(bird cooing)



- Oh you did give me a turn.

- Oh, I'm sorry Til.

A bit late tonight,

Aren't you Til?

I went to the pictures.

- Anything good?

- I went to see Bogart.

Oh I do think he's lovely.

- It wouldn't hurt some
of them movie stars

to just do the night work.

- Well they do by all accounts.

(bird cooing)

- Creepy sort of joint, isn't it?

Very damp.

What's the matter?

- So you've noticed it too?

- Noticed what?

- This place, you said it was creepy.

Oh, I do feel peculiar.

- Where?

- I mean about this place.

I think they've all gone loopy in there.

- Ah, don't be silly, Tilly.


(knock, knock, knock)

(dramatic music)

- I hope you rested well Master.

- Very well, Hitchcock.

From now on, there will be
little rest for any of us.

- Will you be working in the
laboratory tonight, Master?

- Of course.

- Master?

- Yes?

- I'm curious to know why you always

sleep in your evening clothes?

- Pretty early?

- Yes Master


- I was buried in them.


- Sleeps in a coffin?

Don't be daft.

- Don't call me daft.

I've seen it.

- Where?

- In his bedroom.

He hasn't got a bed in there.

He's only got a coffin.

- That's mild.

Aunt Agatha likes sleeping
in her rocking chair.

There's nothing unusual about that.

The old boy prefers a coffin,

well, that's his funeral.

- Funeral (laughs)

- Now, look here, let
me tell you something.

Don't go poking your nose
into other people's business

'cause it only causes trouble.

And trouble's the one
thing we all want to avoid.

(car engine)

Who's that?

- I don't know, but I'll catch it,

if they find you hanging around.


Where is the Master my dear Freda?

- I think he's--

- Have you brought Ms. Loretti?

- No Master.

There is a general alarm.

It was not safe to
bring her straight away.

- Oh.

- I will bring her
later, in the usual way.

- How is the girl?

- Unfortunately, she
appears to have conducted

a romance during the voyage,

with a wickish naval.

We had to take the young man too.

- Does she have access?

- She seems to have
everything in the right place.

- Good, very good.

- All right, all right.

Leave us Hitchcock.

(door slams shut)

- My dear Anton, the time has come

where I have to acquaint you

with my latest achievements

and my future plans.

- I am honored Master.

- Until now, I have existed in the minds

of the people as a legend.

A vampire created by evil.

- But the years have
not been wasted, Master.

You're long life, has
allowed you to outstrip

the forces of science.

- I know.

Now at last,

I, Van Housen, am ready

to fulfill my destiny.

I have created weapons

by which armies and
machines of our enemies

can be destroyed.

For instance,

look at this, Anton.

A turn of the dial, so,

and a thousand airplanes can be destroyed.

An other turn,

and ten battleships
can be blown up at sea.

- Unbelievable.

And what is this for?

- Well, this is the robot control.

I intend to build 50,000 robots.

- 50,000?

- Yes.

- But how many have you built so far?

- Uh, one.

To build the rest,

I need an almost unlimited supply

of uranium and Ms. Loretti

is the key to that.

(door opens)

Ah, if I'm not mistaken,

this is news of my robot.


It has left our secret factory island

and arrived in Liverpool.

It is being sent here by road.

My friends,

this is a great moment.

Our victory is in sight.

- You have chosen a clear
nom de plume, Professor.

Dr. Riley

(upbeat music)

- Here, here, what's the score guys?

- Hey, that'll do, get it down bird.

Got it?

- I owe another.

(fast paced music)

- Will you get off of me?

- Here we are mates, come on, come on.

- Put these sticky things back.

- Stick that in the cage.


(upbeat music)

Packing case, Dr. Riley.

- I'll send someone to help you.

- Freda?

- The robot has arrived.

Tell Mugsy to help the driver.

- Good.

- The robot is here, Master.

- Wonderful!

Excellent, excellent!

Be careful!

(foreign language)



- Loons!

- Sorry, (mumbles)

- It wasn't my fault ,
what do you think I am?

(mumbling and arguing)

- Tilly you can go.

- Could I just get a--

- Better than not.

- What's that?

- It is nothing.

Go to the kitchen and stay
there until I call for you.

- Oh all right.

(boards creaking)

- Stop!

Get up.

My friends, this the greatest moment

of my life.

For the first time, you
will see my finest creation.

The perfect man-made man.

No Frankenstein with all
the weaknesses of the flesh.

This electronic marvel

is a super robot for all times.

This indestructible God of man.

This is great, great,

this great,

what is this?

- It must be human.

(wha, wha)

(wha, wha)

- What's the matter with me?

Have I gone insane?

Is this a nightmare?

Where is my robot?

My beautiful robot!

- Maybe it ran out of juice (laughs).

We are the victims of
strange circumstances.


- Listen.

To Mrs. Riley.

14 Rashon Road, 18-19.

Dear Madam, as per your late Uncle's will,

we send here with the family place, etc.

Yours faithfully,

Fleesome, fleesome, fleesome and Grand.

Signed by them.

- Master, wasn't your nom de plume Riley?

Perhaps there has been some mistake?

- I see what you mean.

- You mean the robot has
gone to this Mrs. Riley?

- Perhaps, yes.

We must think.

We must plan.


(banjo playing)

(horn honking)

(boy yelling)

- How much have I got?

- Tons of room, yet.

- Come on, Sully.


(glass breaking)

- Not me shop, me lovely shop!

- That cost you a pretty penny.

- Cost me a pretty penny?

What are you talking about?

- I'll log that down with the rent.

- I wonder where it came from?

I wonder whose fault?

I wonder what's inside it?

I hope it's all right.

- Riley?

- Riley, that's me.

- For you, special delivery.

- Special delivery?

That's why you put it through the window?

instead of putting it
through the letter box?

- Couldn't get that
through the letter box.

- Well what is it anyway?

- Don't know.

Me fortune from me Uncle Jeremiah.

(excited shouting)

Let's get it upstairs!

- Give me a hand.

Up, up, up, up.

That's it.

We'll never get it up these stairs.

The banister's in the way.

- Well, we could--

- Would you quit that right--

(wood cracking)

- Wow!

- Oh.

- Don't put it on on me!

- I'll put it down for you all right.

(boy yelling)

(people shouting and talking excitedly)

- Hut, hut, hut.

- There you go, them other places

on the door, look what you're doing.

Get it out there.

- Hard round to the left.

All together.

(more excited talking)

- Gently, gently, gently, gently.


How we gonna open this thing?

- I'll get something.

- Who's got a knife?



- Take this.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

now that I'm a wealthy lady,

I want to say that I forgive you all

for the catty things you've said about me.

I also want to say

that I forgive myself for casting

dispersions upon your character.

- Don't go on about that.

We want to see what's in the box.

And it had better be good.

Because Mother (pop)

- Eek, be careful.

Now boys and girls.

Stand back and leave it, the rest to me.

Come on, this way.



Oh, oh.

- Come on, don't be all day.


- Well Lordy be.

It's me Uncle Jeremiah!

Look at what they've done with him.

They've canned him.

And leave without him,
you know, in the house.

- What's the matter with you?

That's all it is, tin!

- I implore you to treat the late departed

with respect.

- What's that smell?


(radio buzzing)

(excited shouting)

- Thieving, conniving, old--

- Did you hear what he called me?

That's where we're missing the,

old he called me!

Me, that's in the prime of me life,

and the middle of me sorrow.

- I don't want any of this, stop, move!

That crystal (mumbling)

- So you'd plug me into
Jeremiah, would ya?

You pig, ape, blue (shouting excitedly)

- You're getting out of here tomorrow

and I am coming down with
an order of possession!

- [Robot] It was announced
in Washington this afternoon

- What's that?

- [Robot speaking louder] It
was announced in Washington

this afternoon--

- Me.

Done up by a dug up gold digger.

Done by a fixed old faggot.

Gipped by a ginger old--

- As we're talking personalities,

I've a few things I'd like to say to you.

You're a poor creature!

(crashing and thudding)

- [Robot] Scotland Yard
is now following up

information which it is
hoped will lead to the arrest

of the person known as the Vampire

whose identity remains a mystery.

Speculation continues as to
who will be the next victim.

(tick tock, tick tock, tick tock)


- Focus 19 Master.

14 degrees.

- Excellent my dear Anton.

Put it on 14 Rashon Road.


The van should be there by now.


(lady mumbling)

- I think I'm in direct
contact with the robot.

I should get a reaction at any moment.

- There's a response.

We're in contact.

- Switch on the voice.

I will give it instructions.

Master calling Robot Mark One.

Master calling Robot Mark One.

Can you hear me?



Now listen to me carefully, Mark One.

You will go in search for the woman Riley.

You will pick her up,
but do not injure her.

You're gonna take her to
the pad outside the house.

- What're you doing here?

- I just stopped for a rest.

- Quit pandering about.

Come on.

Get moving.

- Hey, look here copper.

- Are you moving or am I gonna run you in?

Now make up your mind, now?


- [Van Housen through the robot] You will

keep hold of the woman
until you're brought here.


Now record instructions and signal.


Nothing can stop it now.

My dear Anton.

This is power.


(dramatic music)


- Tiger, Tiger!

Put that mouse down!

(dramatic music)

Uncle Jeremiah!

Uncle Jeremiah?

What do you want

(door creaking)

(mumbling excitedly)

Go back to Ireland.

Go back to your home.

I beg you.

- Sorry, boss.

I had to strand him.

The place was loaded with cops.

- You imbecile!


The robot will know.

Mark One, Mark One, can you hear me?

This is the Master.

- Oh, Uncle Jeremiah.

What are you doing to me?

(Mother Riley mumbling)

(man drunkenly mumbling)

- By all, allow me.

Are you all right?

Oh very well.

- Anton, I have done the impossible.

I have created a robot
with a living brain.

It can think for itself.

Mark One, can you hear me?

Master calling Mark One.

Follow the beam.

Is the beam set?

- Yes Master.

- Mark One will follow it.

Take over.

(Mother Riley mumbling)

- Where do you want to go to?

Oh, ah (hiccups).

Have you tried to leave a familiar note?

(dramatic music)

- You're sure you're still on the beam?

- Yes Master.

Wait, some fool has reversed!

- Increase the outage.

Make control.

- Contact, we've found him.

- Yes.

Mark One, Mark One.

You're on the beam again.

Now follow it home, follow it home.

- Drop me just around the
bin, little man, will you?

Thank you very much.

That's jolly decent of you sure.

(caricature mumbling)

- I didn't take you too far out of my way,

did you, I hope?

(caricature mumbling)

(goofy music)

- He's on the way.

Anton, gather the others

around the house to help it

when it arrives.

I'll take the control.

He should be here by dawn.

- Yes Master.

Master, I think there is
something you should--

(bang, bang, bang)

- What is that, Anton!?!

- It must be dawn breaking, Master.

(tick, tock, tick, tock)

- [Mother Riley] Let me out, let me out!

(Mother Riley continues
mumbling and screaming)

- He looks well Master.

- Doesn't he?

What is this?

- [Mother Riley] Put me down, put me down!

- Come, my laboratory.

- Oh!

- Wonderful creation.


- [Captain] Every time
a woman disappears now,

it's attributed to The Vampire.

Yet we don't really know for certain

if the man really exists.

We're doing everything
we can to catch him, sir.

The entire force, down to
the lowliest constable,

is on it's toes.

- How's the woman Riley?

- She's quite alarmed.

I've given her a sedative.

- Good.

This man of Ms. Loretti's,

for the time being,

we must keep him locked up.

- And what about Ms. Loretti?

She's lovely.

- I'm going to deal with her when Anton

brings her in the morning.

- Will she arriving with the downey?

- Of course.

Do you wish to see Mrs. Riley?

- Yes.

- Here's her chart.

- Hmm, a poor specimen,

but the right group.

An excellent twenty.

Where is she?

- In the dining room.

- Splendid.

I feel in need of a cognac.

I'm ready to look at her.

- I tell you, there's something

queer going on in this house.

Only last night, and I
couldn't have been dreaming,

and an old man of tin
come and makin' a noise

like a motorcycle siren.

- You ought to be careful what you eat.

Especially before you go to bed.

- All right smarty, but you'll see.

Something's gonna blow up

in this house, one of these days.


Blamey, you can always
put that stuff away,

can't you?

- Well, thanks for the beer, doll.

See ya at tea time.

(dark music)

- Agh, Oh!

You gave me quite a start
creeping in like that,

after what I've been through.

What are you lookin' at me like that for?

My heads on straight!

- My dear lady, are you feeling better?

We found you in the
garden, a little tipsy.

- Tipsy, me tipsy?

I've had noon soaked with Riley's.

Do you know there isn't
enough of this stuff

in the world to make me dizzy,

never mind tipsy.

- Won't you sit down?

You must be tired?

- Oh, you're a real gentleman you are.

Do you know you're the first man

that's ever been nice to me since

the church took the
girl guides out campin'.

- When I came in,

I saw you looking at that painting.

Do you like that?

- No I hate them.

They give me cold shivers

up and down my brisket.

- Hmm, it's a great pity.

That happens to be my brother.

(dramatic music)

- Well, I've got to be going now.

You see I left my biggest
grangug to simmer.

- Wouldn't you prefer a nice, juicy steak

about two inches thick, on the tongue,

lovely and red in the middle?

- Oh leave me to it, leave me to it.

And I promise you,

I won't spit on your butcher.

- Liver for breakfast.

Plenty of liver with the
blood running out of it.

- Oh me darling man,

do you want me 'mergency ration?

- No, I want you to stay here

and work for me.

We shall have steak and liver every day.

All day.

You need feeding up.

- Oh, yes I'd love to, I'd love to,

but I must be going now.

It's Mr. Higgins.

It's me rent.

- Great.

If you work for me,

here, you'll be able

to buy a row of houses.

- Fivers!


And not a book so I can grab them!

- Very good.

My housekeeper will look after you.

- Thank you.

This is not enough.

I mean it's too much.

Thank you sir, thank you sir.

- And don't strain yourself.

My lovely little groupy.

- When may I be bitten

if he's not smitten.

I've clicked.

- What's happening to the lights?

- While you are here Mrs. Riley,

you will see a great many things

that you will not understand.

- Tilly, this is Mrs. Riley.

She will share your room.

- How'd ya do?

- Well, I would like some team

because it's a very nice room indeed.

And a nice, cold comfort too!

- I hope you will be very happy with us,

Mrs. Riley.

- I'm sure I can, I'm sure I will.

I made the same speech

with sailors on shore leave.

Have to make me self at home.

- Well I shouldn't bother if i was you.

You won't last long.

None of them does.

- Oh, so they doesn't, do they?

Well let me tell you something.

I'm hear for keeps.

And another thing,

the boss has got a crush on me.

So put that in your smoke and pipe it.

- Well old crackpot's stuck on you?

Don't make me laugh.


- You'll laugh on the
other side of your face

one of these days, my kind lady.

And don't you call that
darling man a crackpot.

- Well it's time you got your mind off men

at your time of life.

- It's my time of life?

I may look a bit of a
haggard on the outside

but on the inside, I
have a heart like a girl,

going to the palace to
dance for the first time.

(dance music)

Excuse me.

- And what makes you think the
Governors got a crush on you?

- You ought to have
seen him pleading for me

to stay on his bare knees when I told him

I was going home.

- Well how'd ya get here?

- It was a dream.

In fact, it was worse than a dream.

It was a awful nightmare.

I dreamt I was being kidnapped

by a tin man.

- A tin man?

- Yes, that's what he was.

- A man all covered in tin, like?

- Yes, all dressed up and done up

like a tin of Russian crap.

- Oh.

- Oh, go on.

It was only a dream.

Brought on by too much of that

lovely liver water.

- No it wasn't.

'Cause I seen it too.

- Have you?

- Crikey, you're not gonna
take any chances, are ya?

What's that?

- That's my pin up man.

- Wow.

- I don't like being watched

when I'm having my breakfast.

Why don't you go and
play with your tongue.

- Masters orders.

He told me to see that you eat it all up.

- Ah, the darling man.

He said, I want you building
up in my sack of light areas.


- You're being got ready.


- You ought to get that seen to

before it becomes a habit, laughter.

Are you ready for your
light task, Mrs. Riley?

- Light task?

I am so full of under done, I could

scrub every over done door step
from London to Janna Grouts.

- Oh no, the Master does not wish you

to wear yourself out.

Just lightly dust the dining room.

- Lightly dust?

- Lightly dust.

- Just a flick, here and there?

- That is all.

- Goody, goody, I'm
going to love this job.

- Oh, sorry.


(funny music)

(chair creaking)

- I don't get it.

(door closes)

- Hey, Freda.

What's the Professor do
with all these women?

- It is better for you not to know Mugsy.

- Yeah, but I was--

- It might upset your very
delicate mental balance.



- I don't get it.

I just don't get it.

(funny music)

- Here is your liver, Mrs. Riley.

- I hope it's all right today.

Yesterday I had a terrible time with--

- I said here is your liver.


- How is it?

- How you love it.

- I'd rather have a box of scout.

- Masters orders.

You are to have liver.

See that Mrs. Riley finishes
up her liver, Hitchcock.

- You bet I will, Ma'am.

- Liver from the 11es.

- You're being got ready.

- Being got ready for what?

- You'll see.

- Ha, ha.

And I thought I'd seen everything.

- Specially prepared
for you by the Master.

Eat it.

What are you doing here?

- I'm on my beat, ma'am.

- Does your beat include the kitchen?

- He beat a little bit at the front.

Now he's going to beat a
little bit at the back.

Aren't ya Freddy?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Eat it.

(fingers snap)

- Yes ma'am, yes ma'am.

One old bag full ma'am.

- Now if you weren't fat

the Master wouldn't be all over you.

- Yes I don't know how
he held his passion back.

His eyes were all aglow.

And it was so hot,

it scorched me collar bone.

- You're being got ready, he he he.

(maniacal laughter)

- You're tellin' me.

- Lovely day.

- Yeah, well.

- Nice and thick.

- Yeah, I hope so.

- Isn't that funny thing about
all these girls disappearing?

- Yeah.

- Just seem to vanish into thin air.

Makes ya think, doesn't it?

- Haven't found out yet

where they get to

have they?

- No.

Investigations are proceeding.

What are all these things?

- Say, why don't you scram

and knock off a motorist for parking.

- I'm not doing any harm, am I?

- Not yet.

They're for an experiment
for the Professor.

He don't like people tampering with them.

- All right, keep your hair on.

I was only interested.

- Hey, let's get this lot in

before the cop comes back.

- This is too much.

I only wanted a teeny, weeny piece

as just a snack.

- Freda says you've got to eat it all up.

- But I'm full up to me
hindquarters already.

- Well you better game.

- Funny things to have around the house,

I must say.

- Are you looking at me?

- They look like Egyptian mummies.

Well, everyone to his own taste,

I suppose.

- What are you talking about?

- There's a van outside.

They're unloading a bunch of mummies.

I could've sworn they were
dead bodies, Ms. Hill.

(Hitchcock maniacally laughing)

- Well a mummy is a dead body, isn't it?

I tell you, there's some
queer things going on

and I don't like it.

- Quickly.

- Say, am I glad to see the last of these.

There's a cop snooping around.

- Don't worry about the copper, Mugsy.

I'll take care of him.

- Blimey.

- Oh my heart rate.

Oh, I don't know how I got through it.

- I don't know how you're
gonna get out of it.

- Ha! (continues maniacal laughter)


(goofy music)

(Egyptian music)

- Dead, dead.

I'm gonna go and lie down.


(Mother Riley screams)

(alarm blaring)


- What was that?

- It came from here Master.

- Don't move, don't run away.

I'll be back.

- Julia!

Julia darling.


- My dear Anton, You had better lock this

young man up some where

until we can dispose of him.

- He's liable to become tiresome.

(bing bong)

She'll be all right.

Freda, let me know when
she has fully recovered.

And move her to the laboratory.

(fast paced music)


- Help, Help, I want the station.

- Hmm, you want the old station

or the new station?

- I don't mind whether it's an old station

a new station.

The station!

- We got a main house fire station.

- I don't want the fire station.

I want the police station.

- Will that one do?

- Oh, I've come to report

the theft of our car.

- It was stolen by some fellow

from behind the iron curtain.

- Wait here, will you please?

- Yeah.

- Alfred, you can't drink that here.

- Can't I?

I'm gonna have a jolly good try.


- Police, police!

- Snakes alive!

Have I been christened or not?

I'm soaked, I'm soaked.

I'm a drip!

- Oh!

- Police, police!

- What do you think you're doing?

- Come at once, come at once, all of you!

- Here--

- Come at once!

- Let me go!

- Take your hands off that officer

or I'll run you in for contempt.

- Witches and by terror.

I found him!

And the girl they're looking for!

It's really her I tell you.

Come and save her because he does anything

and changes her into a
bat like his brother did.

- Are you crazy?

- Yes, no, I mean, hurry, hurry!

- Bring her over here.

- Bring her here!

Excuse me, this is no time or place

for slap and giggle.

I want you to come and get him

before he does her in.

- Who's gonna do who in?

- The Vampire and that girl.

Ms. Whats-her-name.

He's got her tied up like a mummy

in his lab, lab, lab, in his

gunny shop.

Oh save her, save her

before he does her in

and turns her into a real mummy.

- Sergeant?

She smells of gin.

- Of what?

- Gin.

- Who does?

- You do.

- Are you addressing your remarks to me?

- Yes I am.

- Why I've never touched a drop.

- Why you're pickled in it.

- Say that again.

Say that again!

- You're pickled in it.

- Are you aware to whom
you are addresssing

with those insulting remarks?

I'm a lady, I am a lady!

And I defy you to prove it!

- Sergeant, take a whiff yourself!

- Blimey!

You could wring her out like a bar cart.

- Don't be so insulting and personal.

- Drunk and disorderly.

- Drunk and disorderly?


Drunk and disorderly?

Why I've never drawn a soberer breath

in my life.

I came here to tell you

to get The Vampire

before he turns himself into a bat.

- You're bats alright!

I'm gonna run you in

for assaulting an officer,

drunkenness and insubordination.

- Oh you are, are you?

- Yes I am!

- Oh no you're not.

- Oh yes I am.

- Oh no you're not!

(shouting and shuffling)

- I'm a respectful lady, and I--

- Quiet!


- Riley and don't you yell at me!

- Silence!


- 14 Rashon Road.

Well, I'll show you!


- Hello, is this Scotland Yard?

Well it's a policeman.

- Call yourself policemen!

I'll teach you to manhandle
an old woman like me.

You blue-nosed baboon!

I'll save her meself.


(Irish jig music)

- She'll come to about midnight.

- Yes Master.

- You're among friends.

- Among friends.

- Now try and remember.

Where did you leave the chart?

You know the chart I mean?

You're father gave it to you

to take to the British Foreign Office.

- Here it is, the coffee,
all nice and strong.

- Back.

Thank you.

- Oh I say,

doesn't this room smell stuffy!

- Mrs. Riley, please go to bed.

There is a good soul.

- A good soul and go to bed,

you're little groupy?

- Please go,

you're disturbing my patient!

- To bed!

- You were going to tell me

where you left the chart.

Now where is it?

- Excuse me!

(Mother Riley mumbling
to distract Van Housen)

- Get out!

Get out and stay out!

I don't every want to see you again!

Go, go!

(Julia screams in fear)

- Where is it?

- Tilly!


I've never been so
insulted in all my life.

That man's a monster.

A monster!

- I thought he was keen on you?

- Leading up the gum pack

with his steak and his liver.

The devil-treating son of sea serpent!

And now he's been and gone and shoved me!

- Is that so, Mrs. Riley?

- Does that mean I get
to sleep on me own again?

- Tilly, look!

It's her!

- Are you sure?

- I'm sure, I'm sure!

Read it.

I broke me glasses.

- Riddle of the missing
girl, Ms. Julia Loretti

was bringing with her a chart of

an important Uranium deposit.

- Yes, that's right, I heard him!

It was all about the chart.

He's was trying to excavate
information from her.

- Here listen to this.

- The chart?

- Yes, where is it now?

- I haven't got it.

- I know

but where is it?

- The police are looking for the man named

Downton Dashchum who they believe

may assist their inquiries inquires.

They, they--

- They already, they already mistreated

her and that monkey Mugsy!

They're already, every man jack of them!

They'll lying, they're, hello Freda.

We was just talking about you.

- Where are you going Mrs. Riley?

- I'm going home.

I've got the store.

- And you got the sack.

- The Master has changed his mind.

You can stay.

- Oh no I can't stay.

I've been sacked

and once sacked, I stay sacked.

Nobody's gonna mess about with me.

Besides, I'm glad I'm sacked.

I like being sacked, I do.

- Me too.

- Nevertheless, you will stay.

- But I can't stay and I won't stay.

I belong to a Union, I do,

and I work 24 hours a day,

not counting mummy survivors.

- Ew, you can't work 24 hours a day

if you belong to a Union.

- Yes I can.

- How?

- Because I belong to 24 unions.

I work one hour a day for each Union.

- Oh, I see.


- Where is it now?

- I haven't got it.

- I know, but where is it?


- Yes Master?

- We try the shock treatment.

- Tilly and the woman Riley have seen

the evening paper.

There is a picture of Ms. Loretti in it.

They know too much.

- Lock them up.

- I have.

- I will deal with them

after Ms. Loretti has spoken.

- They may have taken it by my fear

but the memory lingers on.

How'd you know it was gonna

lead to a secret passage?

- I tell you (screams)

- After this, I'll never lock

a mouse up in the wardrobe again.

- How are we gonna rescue Ms. Loretti?

I'll let you out of the 24,

I'll cop the girl, you cop a copper,

and then cop for lunch.

Tilly, will you get me
that cabby for lunch?

(funny music)


(birds chirping)

- This way!

It's solid brick.

Anyone got a pick?

- Oh a fire.

Oh, Mrs. Riley!

Oh Mrs. Riley where are you going?

Where'd it take you to?

I'm coming, Mrs. Riley!

Mrs. Riley!

- Tilly?

- Come on jump up.

- It's locked!

Oh, oh, I'm getting scared.

- Scared, scared?

I'd like to feel like the men scare me.

I remember the time none of you where,


Tilly, if anything happens to me,

you'll find my shoes and
take to Cousin Eddie.


(birds chirping)

- The window!

- Proceed, my dear Anton.

- I have these.

This will make her talk.

Ha, ha ha.

(Julia screams loudly)

- Did you hear that?

- We may never forget it.

Oh, if I was only back on Rashon Road.

The medicine wore off.

- Oh, look!

(Tilly holds back a sneeze)

- If I get out of this alive,

I'll never speak to you again.

- [Hitchcock] Yoohoo!

He he he.

He he he.

- Come on, come on.

- You who who.

- TIlly, tilly.

This way.

- No, no no.

- This way Tilly.

- Not that way.

- Come on, come on.

- This way.

- No this way.

- No, Mrs. Riley, Mrs. Riley.

(Tilly muffled scream)

- Pardon me.

Excuse me.


(goofy music)


- Argh!

(dramatic music)


- Argh!

(glass breaking)

(more breaking)



(breaking glass)

(glass breaking)



- Quiet out there!

(Mother Riley whistles and yells)

- Carry on!


(goofy music)

- Going up!

- Mrs. Riley, come down from that lamp.

Don't leave me, Mrs. Riley.

I can't do it on my own.

- Are they coming, are they coming?

- I'll stop 'em!

(dartgun blast)

(multiple blasts)

(The Lone Ranger theme song)

- Oh what's this?

- It's his coffin.

- We can hide in it!

- Not me, it's probably full of mummies.

- [Hitchcock] Come on out of there!

- Mummy, mummy, open the door

and we'll see Daddy.

- Come on let's go out the window quick.

- Come on open up!

- They got through the window.

- Head them off!

- The Riley woman has disappeared Master.

- Shh.

- Yes?

- The chart,

I left it onboard.

It is in the placest safe.

- At last.

Nothing can stop us now.

We leave for Fernwood at once.

- Fernwood.

That's the ship that Mrs. Loretti came on.

- Yes, we must tell the police.

- Order the car, Freda.

- Before we go, we must destroy
all the evidence, Master.

- Of course.

They should look for an old vampire.

- A vampire?

- Yes, a vampire in wolf's clothing.

He told me his brother was a bat.

- Well I'll go and fetch my Sadie

and you run along her and keep guard.

Come on out now, we'll climb the wall.

Hold these.

Come on, give 'em back now.

- Hold these.

- Oh.

- You realize Mrs. Loretti
that I must dispose

of you, but I have a horror for violence.

- What are you going to do?

- Look at this fuse, when it reaches the

destractor unit, you'll know no more.

I can assure you, it
will be quite painless.



- Quick, help!

- Shush.

Don't go away

and I'll have you out of
that in a couple of shakes

of a nanny goats tail,

if I can find a nanny goat.

- Mark One will take care of Mrs. Riley

if she's still here.

Won't you, Mark One?

Ha, ha ha.

- Perfect murder, my dear Freda.

Woman found killed by a robot.

An island man, yes.

We make history.

(dramatic music)

- Ha ha ha.

- There they go.

- I've never heard so much
poppy cock in all my life.

You've been seeing too many films.

- I tell you there's murder in that house.

- Oh.

- Well, are you gonna break in or not?

- What, without a search warrant?

It's as much as my job's worth.

- It'll be more than your job's worth

if you don't.

Poor Mrs. Riley, she might be dying.

She might be in need
of a blood transfusion.

- Oh, all right.

- Okay, great!

- Well you come up to the station with me.

The Sergeant wants to poke his nose in,

well then that's up to him.

- Just be quick then.

(dramatic music)

- Oh!

Go away, go away,

go further.

I don't want to, I don't want to!

I've never touched anything as tin.

(Mother Riley shouting excitedly)

(Mother Riley stuttering excitedly)

(Mother Riley shouting)

(Mother Riley stuttering)

(Mother Riley screaming)



(steam hissing)

- Help, help!

Please help!

- The fuse!

- We'll soon get you out of this.

- No, the fuse!

- Have you got a knife,
have you got a banner?

- The fuse!

- You can't refuse, I'm here to save you!

And save you I will!

(Julia crying)

Nevermind about that.

We'll talk about that later.

I'm here to save you, sir.

That's one loose.

And there we are.

- Over there, the fuse is almost out.

- Oh you mean the fuse!

Oh, this one!

(everyone shouting excitedly)


- Woo!

(Mother Riley exclaims loudly)

Come on, break away, break away!


(car chugging along)

- Who am I calling?

- The Police.

- Oh, what's the number?

- 999!

- Oh yes, yes, yes.

- Calling all cars B Division.

Call all cars B Division.

A black Humber Pullman.

License number BRK504.

Stop and contain occupants.

That is all.

(adventurous music)

- [Mother Riley] That's
could've been a mess.

- Calling cars two,
four and six Y Division.

Proceed at once to Tillby Docks.

Man known as Professor Van Housen

believed to be making for SS Fernwood.

He is dangerous.

Stop and detain.

That is all.

- Look out all of you!

(car sputters)

(fast paced music)


(goofy music)


- There's no sign of it here!

- It's been 24 hours.

(police sirens)

- The police!

- My dear Anton, the car!

(dramatic music)

(police whistle)


(police whistle)


- [Mother Riley] Wait for me, wait for me!

- [Policeman] Drop the gun Van Housen.




- This is the end!

(happy music)