Vampire Dog (2012) - full transcript

Ace is just like any other new kid at school, until his grandfather from Transylvania dies at age 96 and sends him his dog Fang. Ace soon discovers that Fang is a vampire dog - and he speaks English! Mad scientist Dr. Warhol and her bumbling assistant Frank try to capture Fang and steal his DNA in hopes of developing the latest anti-aging technology, but lucky for Ace the vampire dog manages to stay one step ahead of his pursuers. Along the way an enduring friendship forms when Ace and Fang discover that together they are unstoppable.

( owl hooting )

( gasping )

( gasping )

( thundering )

It's about time.

Where have you been?

I won't always be around
to look out for you.

What would I do
without you, boy?

You're everything to me.

( whimpering )

[ man ] Yo, get all these
loaded and then we'll, ah...

we'll get the couch, all right?

You okay?

Being the new kid sucks.

I know. It's tough being
the new kid in town.

The music program
needs my help.


Well, the superintendent
asked me to come here

because they may want
to close the school down.

If I can improve the music program,

then Lugosi Public School
becomes a fine arts school.

Oh. I'll take those.

What can I say?

He's very careful
about his drums.




we have neighbors.

Oh, hey.

That's really great, sweetheart,
but you have school in the morning.


If I'm supposed to be the man
of the house,

could we skip the
"sweetheart," "honey," and all that stuff?

Okay, big guy.

I understand.

Get to bed, okay?

Sleep well... sweetheart.


Drive in with me?

No, it's okay, I'll walk.

Don't want to be seen with
the new teacher?

I-I just don't want to
embarrass you.

Why would you embarrass me?

Well, you're the music teacher

and I can't play in front of people.

Every musician deals with
stage fright, Ace.

You're only twelve.

You'll figure it out.

Drive in with me.

( school bell ringing )

That's just great,
late on the first day.

Can you see anyone in there?

- Hi.
- Hi.

They lock the door
after the first bell.


Sorry, we're new.

You don't have to be sorry
for being new.

Hi, I'm Susan Cunningham.

The new music teacher.
I'm in your class.

- Skylar.
- Hi, Skylar.

This is my son, Ace.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I live on your street.


We better get to class.


( discord of poor playing:
When The Saints Go Marching In )

Oh-oh-okay, stop.

Well, that was just terrible.


Oh, well, maybe your new teacher
can whip you into shape.

Ah, class, this is Mrs. Cunningham.

Hi there.

Listen, Principal Hickman might
have been exaggerating

when he said you were terrible.

I hear real
potential in this class.

( chuckling)
You're probably the only one.

Oh, by the way,
this is my son, Ace.

You play an instrument, Ace?


Well, well, a drummer.

Why don't you show us your stuff, kid?
- I don't think that's necessary.

It's all right.
Arbuckle, get off the drums.

Give this kid a shot,
will you?

Check out the new guy.

Yeah, he came in late.
He seems pretty cool.

I assume you're being sarcastic?

His mom is the teacher.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing, it just
means he's a total dork.

Okay, Ace,

give us a simple four-four

and then take it wherever you want.



( laughing )


[ girl ] That must have hurt.

( all laughing )

Epic fail, bro.

You started great.

Let's take it down a notch.

A few notches.

[ girl ] Text me the link.

( playing poorly )

Oh-- my- God.

There's the baby.

Mommy loves you, baby boy.

Sky, are you with us or what?

Of course, I'm just reviewing
for my science test.


O-M-G. L-O-L.

Studying is for geeks.

You're not a geek,
are you, Sky?


No, of course not.

( all laughing )

( children laughing )

Bright side is, you're a hit.

Look, over 30,OOO views.

My life is over.

No, it's not.


Next time, try not to
get so nervous.

You know
you're a good drummer.

You can do this, Ace.

You just have to work up to it.

What's wrong?

Do you remember your
Grandpa Sylvester?

Yeah, Dad's dad?

That's right.

He passed away, Ace.

Oh, gee, that's too bad...
I never got to meet him.

I know.

He was a good man.

And he's
sending you something.

Your grandpa's sending
you a dog.

A dog?

His name is Fang.


he's been around
a long time, I guess.

( doorbell ringing )

He's sending me an old dog?

What am I supposed
to do with an old dog?

Teach him new tricks.

A new town, new school,

last thing I need to do
is take care of an old dog.



( dog growling )

( dog growling )

( growling )

That's just great,

a cranky old dog.

Come here, boy.

We got some
nice cold water for you.

He won't come out.

Hi, Fang,

I'm Susan.

Welcome to your new home.

You are not going to believe
my latest development

in anti-aging technology.

Who are you talking to?

Frank. get out of there.

I'm practicing for investors.

My newest product: Get Away Wrinkles,

guarantees a younger look with
just one application.

My assistant Frank's youthful

has been ravaged by
too much sun and hard living.

- Really?
- No, that's the--

- I don't know if I want to do this.
- Don't worry about it.

A little there.

It's very easily applied.

There we go.

Aren't you gonna say something?
- Oh, um...

Wow, I feel younger already.


Actually, it's...
it's kind of burning.

- Oh, it's already working.
- No, no, no, no, no...


Of course it's working.

It burns!

It burns!


- Ya-how!
- Okay.

( sizzling )

Don't mix it with water,
it's unstable.


( moaning and whimpering)

Oh, can the crying Frank,
and get over here.

( whimpering )

Well, well, well,

check this out:

He had long fangs

and glowing eyes
and he lunged at me.

When I turned around

there was this dog.

Jelly was in the bowl.

Cherry jelly.



the legends are true.

Oh, I need that dog.

I need the DNA of a vampire dog

to perfect my anti-aging formula.

That's step one
of my comeback plan.

You must get me the dog or else!

Or else what?


Well, you said "or else."

People always say that, but they
never finish the sentence.

Or else what?

It's an implied threat, Frank.

Well, maybe if you
were a little more specific

I'd be a little more motivated.

All right.

Kilmore Cosmetics has ordered

2 million units
of Get Away Wrinkles.

If we don't make good on
that order, we're--

How shall I put this?
Um... dead.


( thundering )

- ( screeching )
- Oh!

( screaming )

I need a new sidekick.

Mom, is he just gonna sit there all night
staring at me?

Are you just gonna sit there
all night, Fang?

He's got a lot of personality.

Well, this is all very
unfamiliar to him.

Give him some time.

Mom, he's an old dog.

He doesn't have a lot of time.

Very funny.

Good night, Ace of Hearts.

Good night, Fang.

I'll make you a deal.

I won't bother you,
if you won't bother me.

Wanna shake on it?

( farting )


( owl hooting )

( trash cans clanking )

Why are we here?

I have a surprise for you.

Oh, grow up Frank.

You know, surprises are
for spoiled children.

I love surprises.

- If you don't spit it out--
- I found the vampire dog.

- You finally did as you were asked?
- Yes.

Where is he?

Well, the old man who used to
own the vampire dog

is now deceased

and he has relatives
who live in this house.

So what?

So what?

He sent them the vampire dog.

( gasping )

Are you sure?

Am I sure?

Well, not 100% sure,
but then again, I mean,

whoever is 100% sure?

- If you look at--
- God, shut up, Frank,

Is the dog in the house or not?

I'm pretty sure,

but I need to think of a way in.

Here's an idea:

break in, steal the dog
and then we can leave.

Pardon me, Dr. Warhol.

I don't mean to be speaking out
of turn here...

but don't you think that
maybe a more subtle approach might--

I will subtly approach
your face with a frying pan

if you don't get me that dog!

Holy smokes!

Oh, then I can finally
implement step two of my plan

in this town!

- Oh, what's step two?
- Shh!

There is a local school
that's going to close soon,

it's right around the corner.

In its place,
I will build a facility

dedicated to preserving
youth and beauty

for the world's
rich, famous and elite.

It will be called:

'The Dr. Warhol Institute
of Youth and Beauty'.

That's catchy.

I'm gonna put Kilmore Cosmetics
out of business

because we'll charge an
arm and a leg for our services.


No, not literally, you dunce.

No, no, no, no...

But all of this hinges on finding
the vampire dog.

Okay, get me up.

( gasping )

That's him!
We got him!

( groaning )

Let's get out of here.

Oh... oh!

- I'm so sorry.
- Idiot!

What am I supposed to do
with Fang while I'm at school?

We'll put him in the backyard
with the long leash and plenty of water.

Come on, I'm gonna be
late for school.

Man, you're strong.

( whining )

I'm sorry, I just
have to go to school.

( school bell ringing )

Sorry, late again.

No worries.

I'm on hall monitor duty
this week.

- I won't tell.
- Really?

Cool, thanks.

No problem.

( playing poorly )

Ace, that was your cue.

Oh, sorry.

Don't worry,
you'll get it next time.

Class, I see some real
improvement here.


you finally gonna tell them
how much they suck?

Mr. Hickman, that is not necessary.

I need your attention.

Lugosi Public School will be closed

by the end of this year.

Case closed, say no more.

That's not entirely true.

We do have a chance to
save the school.

We're hosting a music competition,
a Battle of the Bands.

If we win the Battle of the Bands,

we will be
declared a charter school

and the school will stay open.

You'll lose.

I want you to break off
into groups,

form your own bands.

The aim here is to impress
the School Board

with our live playing
and keep this school open.

Ace... wanna join our band?


Good one, Sky.

Dream on, mama's boy.

( drums pounding )




Do you want some water?

Do you want some food?
Is that what you need?

What do you need?

Uh, jelly?


Do you have any red jelly?

What did you just say?

Uh, strawberry jelly
would be fine.

if you have cherry.

Really, any red jelly.

Uh, uh, pomegranate!

That's not easy to
locate in these parts.

Pomegranate jelly--

Oh, great!

Okay, I guess I'll be
taking care of this.

Let's hope for red jelly,

come on, red jelly!

Looking for some cherry jelly now!

Smells pretty good here.

Yep, yep, that's got it.

Whoa, jackpot!

( burping )

All right.
Let's get this kid upstairs.

Whoa, I just had the
weirdest dream.

[ Fang ] Oh, oh, was it the one
where everyone notices

that you don't have pants on?

I hate that one.

How did I get up here?

I dragged you.

What do you mean you dragged me?

Like a giant sack of potatoes.

Okay, this is freaky.

How can you talk?

I exhale, move my mouth,

and hey, presto, words come out.

You're lucky I'm
talking to you at all.

Leaving me
out in the sun all day.

Why didn't you
just drink some water?

I already told you,
I eat jelly.



That's what I said, "Y".

You must have really hit
your head there, kid.

I'm losing my mind.

Oh, and I'm highly allergic
to direct sunlight, okay?

So don't leave me out there again.

[ Susan ] Ace, I'm home.

It's my mom. She's home.

Don't talk in front of her, okay?

Yeah, don't worry, I don't want
to have to carry her up those stairs, too.



Ace, did you
eat all the red jelly?

Mom, I'm taking Fang
for a walk.

Let's keep it in the shade, kid,
let's keep it in the shade.

So why are you
allergic to sunlight?

Now, kid, I don't
want to alarm you, but--

well, I'm actually--
I'm a vampire.

A vampire?

Yeah, but don't worry,
I'm a friendly vampire dog.

You see, about 500 years ago,
I was living in Transylvania

with six monkeys and a giraffe...

we settled out of court.

But the thing to remember is,

don't ever run out of red jelly
or I am pooched.

Red jelly. Got it.

Okay, but don't forget.

So why did Grandpa send you to me?

'Cause you were next in line.

Next in line for what?

To be my caretaker,
to watch over me.

In return, I protect you.

But I have to tell you,

I am not that easy
to take care of sometimes.

So I'm your caretaker?

No, no, Justin Bieber is
my caretaker.

From you, I need
directions to his house.

Of course you're my caretaker.

( sighing )

Is he talking to a dog?

Looks like
he's arguing with it.

What a freakazoid.

Psycho's more like it.

Earth to Sky.

Come on.

What's wrong?

I'm talking...

to a dog.
- Kid, you're hyperventilating.

Put your head between your knees.

Ah, here, try
breathing in that bag.

( breathing heavily )

Oh, dude, did you have to
give me the poop bag?

Oh, my-- my bad.

What happened to your room?

Did you get robbed?

What's wrong with my room?

Well, it looks like a bomb
went off in here.

Followed by
several smaller bombs

and then some Vikings
had a party.

I guess you go sleep
on the kitchen floor then.

No, no...

I got this.


What just happened?

I'm super fast.

As a matter of fact,
it reminds me of a story.

Back in 1947, I think it was...

...And that, my friend,

is why the chicken crossed the road.

Well, time to unpack.

Let's see here.

( cuckoo clock sounding )
No, not in there.

( donkey braying )

I don't even remember putting
that in here.

( farting )


( cat screeching )
Oh, sorry, Pickles.

- ( chain saw revving )
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!


Ah, kid, need a little
help here, huh?

- What's this thing?
- It's your grandfather's fetching stick.

Just don't-- don't touch it, put it back.
It's meant for fetching.

That's beneath me...
I'm a vampire dog.

I don't--
I don't fetch things.

Just-- just put that back.

That's it, put it back.

And what's this?

That's it, kid.

That's my life story.

The tall tale, the whole shebang.

Big adventure,

it's all in there.

You'd think it'd be bigger.

What's this?

Oh, actually, that's pretty cool.

Check this out:

my custom-made collapsible coffin.

What do you need a coffin for?

Uh, hello...

vampire dog?

You mean you sleep in that thing?

No, I use it as a canoe.

Ha-ha, very funny.

Look, it's a school night and
I have to go to bed

and I'm seriously freaked out.

All right, kid.

I'm a light sleeper, though,
so no snoring.

( Fang snoring )

Kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty.

( snoring )

Jelly, jelly, jelly,
jelly, jelly.


Okay, we're here.

Now get me that dog.

Can we use the walkie-talkies?


I have exited the van.


I am now approaching
the house.


These guys again?
It's party time!

( chuckling )

I am hungry for Chinese food.


I'm ascending the stairs.

I'm at the door.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
( chuckling )

It seems the doorbell
is not working.

What? You're supposed
to be breaking in.

Who rings the doorbell
at a break-in?


You've made a wonderful point.

( clearing throat )

( farting )

( chuckling )

I'm in.


( screaming )

( whimpering )

What happened?

I don't wanna talk about it.

( chuckling )

Oh, look out for the--

Oh, that's not good.

Oh, no. Oh, oh...



I love those guys.

( coughing )



What a ride!

That was fun.

Looks like we're gonna need
another van, though.

( giggling )

( imitating monkey screeching )

[ Fang ] Hey, kid.

Hey, kid,


Oh, sorry, did I wake you?

I want you to smuggle me
in and out of school today.

You want me to smuggle you
in and out of school?

Is there an echo in here?

The kids at school already
think I'm a freak.

This is not gonna help.

Well, we could do something
about the way you dress.

What's wrong with the way I dress?

Well, you're a musician, right?

So you need to look the part.

I can rock this.

You know it, kid.

[ Fang ] Kid, why are
we here so early?

'Cause I don't want anybody
seeing me.

Not one of my finer moments.

I heard you playing yesterday

when I was fighting for
my life under the back deck.

You're not half-bad.

- Thanks.
- You remind me of a guy--

Is that a dog?

Why are you here so early?

Battle of the Bands rehearsal.


Unlike you, we don't feeb-out
when we play in front of people.

So you're trying to
save the school?

You bet.

That's nice of you guys.

Gag! No.

We're not doing it to be nice.

We're doing it to get in
the newspaper, get discovered,

get a record deal and
blow this popcorn stand.

[ Fang ] ...a long story, but it's--

Ace, Ace?

Ace, are you there?

( snoring )

Dr. Warhol, I presume.

There are two things in this world

I detest, Mr. Hickman:

children and dogs.

Sorry, I, uh...

Those belong to my ex-wife.

I always hated those pictures.

Filthy animals.

So you've
accepted my proposal?

I haven't made a decision yet.

( gasping )

Well, my mind's made up

and I fully support your proposal.


And if all goes well,
you'll be working for me

at four times your current salary.

Now, I told you about our school's

precarious situation.


How do you plan to deal with
that situation?

As long as the Board
doesn't approve us

as a charter school,

you and I have
nothing to worry about.

What's this
Battle of the Bands?

Oh, the dying gasp of a music program.

It's no longer relevant.

This won't have any affect
on our plans, will it?

I have a few
tricks up my sleeve.

Your so-called 'tricks'
better work, Hickman.

This school... will close.

And if you let me down,

I will carve you up like
a Thanksgiving turkey.


[ Fang ] We gotta talk about this bag, kid.
It's a little-little cramped in here.

I've been in purses bigger
than this.

You know, maybe a wheelie bag
would be good for you.

Are you listening
to a word I'm saying?

What's the matter with you, kid?
Look alive.

It's easy for you to say.

Taking care of
a vampire dog is hard.

Jeepers, kid, it's only
been three weeks.

Just get in there.
I'll see you at lunch.


Yes, yes, that reminds me.

Don't forget my jelly.

Don't forget.
It's very important.

Don't forget my jelly.

He's totally gonna forget my jelly.

Today we're doing lab work.

Everyone partner up.

Ace, you and Skylar,

Bummer, Sky.

I heard you were early today.

Oh, yeah,
I had some stuff to do.

So how do we do this?

Okay, step one...

Whoa, that was fast.

Well done, you two.

How did you do that?

Don't tell anyone, okay?

My friends don't like brainiacs.

Your friends don't like anyone.

I know, but this is the first
time in my life

that I've ever, ever,
ever had cool friends...

and I don't want to blow it
by being a science nerd.

It's okay,
your secret is safe with me.

I heard you playing the drums
the other night.


I live on your street.

I heard you playing.
You're really good.

- Stalk much?
- No.

I'm kidding,

but please don't tell anyone.

Why not?

It's just...

whenever I play in front of people,
I always mess up.

You should have more confidence
in yourself.

Look who's talking.

If you tell my secret,
I'll tell yours.

( Fang whistling )



Is somebody in there?

Uh, no.

( whistling )

( whistling continues )

( whistling continues )

( chuckling )

( school bell ringing )


They're a basic technique
of drumming.


I know they sound goofy,
but they're important.

Is she seriously
hanging with that freak?

After he totally put on that
show in music class?

He's a total spazz.

Whatever he is,
he's a total weirdo.

He shouldn't be infecting Sky
with his weirdness.

We need to put
a stop to this situation.

- Oh, man!
- Whoops, clumsy me.

Come on.


Come with me.

Sorry I had to rescue you.

- Are you okay, Sky?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Is Ace okay?

Who cares about him?

Well, what if I do?

Yeah, right.
You're way too cool for that geek.

[ Fang ] Uh-oh.
Whoa, I need jelly.

Where's that kid?

I gotta get out of here.


I must be getting weaker.

I can't even open this door.

I need jelly!

Sorry kid.
You've left me no choice.


It's jelly time.

I think we
should do an R&B song

or something old school,
like The Beatles.

Arbuckle and I were talking earlier

and we think
we should do a rock song.

Earth to Sky!

Oh, uh, sorry.

Pay attention, okay?

We're gonna do a rock song
for Battle of the Bands.

Sounds good.

What's wrong with you?

( wind whistling )

What's that sound?

[ boy ] Whoa!

Ah, jelly!

( all screaming )




What are you doing out?

Jelly attack.

Did anybody see you?

Uh, maybe a few people.

Come on, let's get you
back to my locker.

And by the way, when I said a few,
you know I meant a few hundred, right?

- What? ( school bell ringing )
- Nothing, nothing.

Hey, slugger.

How's things?
- Not so good, Uncle Barry.

- Good to hear, good to hear.
- Huh?

How's rehearsals?

Okay, I guess.

Not too good, right?

No, no.

I'm doing what you told me,
Uncle, sir, um...

I'm not gonna get in any
trouble for this, am I?

Not if you do what I tell you
and keep your mouth shut.

Okay, okay, I will.


Keep it cool on
the flip side, Clyde.

My name's not Clyde.

Look, I don't know what lingo
you kids are using these days.

Keep the swizzle on the skizzle.

That's so lame, Uncle Barry.

Just get out of here,
will you?


Get, get, get, get.

( school bell ringing )



Ace, wait up!

Thanks a lot,
you set me up real good.

I didn't set you up.

Come on, I'm not stupid.

Didn't you hear what happened?

This crazy dog tore apart
the cafeteria

and Arbuckle got
a lapful of milk shake.

( Fang laughing )

- What was that?
- What was what?

What are you carrying in there?


Let me see, what was that?

Don't do it, kid.

Crackers and beans!

Is that a dog?

Did it just talk?

Come on.

Skylar, this is Fang.

Fang, Skylar.

How you doing, Skylar?

What's a pretty girl like you
doing in a place like this?

How did you do that?

A drummer and a ventriloquist.

You're an interesting guy, Ace.


You got a talking dog over here

and he's interesting?

That is seriously hilarious.
How do you do that?

Well, there's no sense trying
to convince her, right?

After all,
it's better for my cover

if she thinks this is
all a big trick.

Good point.

What's going on here?

I can explain.

Do we really get
to eat all this jelly?

No, but when the dog
needs his jelly fix,

he'll have to come to us.

Hey, can we get
some whipped cream too?

No, I still need to
get to two more stores.

I want every ounce
of jelly in this town.

( chuckling )


how did you get to be
a vampire dog?

Two words: bad luck.

About 500 years ago, one of
Ace's ancestors led a rebellion

against a terrible king named
Vlad the Impaler.

This guy Vlad was a vampire.

Ace's great-great-great-great-

great-great-great grandfather...

Oh, wait, I think I said
one too many "greats."

We get the point.

Anyhow, he led an army against Vlad.

Vlad tried to bite your ancestor,
so I jumped in.

You jumped in?

What could I do?

The guy was my owner.

Long story short...
I got bit,

but your ancestor took out Vlad.

He freed Transylvania from tyranny

and he destroyed
the last vampire on earth.

He vowed that from that moment on,

his descendants
would take care of me.

That's epic.

You're a hero.

Nah, kid, I'm a monster.

No, you're not.

Just once I'd like to be
like a real dog.

Play in the sun, nap in the sun,
heh, poop in the sun.


I'm sorry, Fang.

Hey, it's not your fault.

Let's go to the park.

Oh, not the stick.

Kid, I told you not to
bring that thing.

Don't throw it!
Now, don't you throw it, don't-- Ahh!

Okay, that wasn't so bad.

Okay, don't throw it again.

Don't-- no, come on, Ace!


Aw, this is humiliating!

So why do you eat jelly?

You're a vampire,
don't you drink blood?

Oh, gross, don't even
say that word.

Yuck, I hate bloo...

you know, the red stuff.

Well, before jelly was invented,
what did you eat?

You know,
deer antlers, horse hooves.

Of course!



Gelatin is a processed form
of collagen.

Look, I don't speak Spanish.

Jelly contains gelatin.

The natural form of gelatin
in animals is collagen.

so Fang needs
collagen in the same way

that a vampire needs hemoglobin.

Instead of blood,
Fang needs collagen.

Wow, you're really smart.

I have no clue what you're
talking about.

Hey, that's you and your dad,
huh, kid?

You know, you're a lot like
he was at your age.

I'm really sorry he got sick, Ace.

It's okay.

He was a good dad.

Yeah, I bet he was.

He raised a good kid.

You're not a monster,
you know.

You're a dog.

A good dog.

( knocking )

Good morning.

Good morning.

What's that?

It protects you from the sun.

Well, it fits.

It looks all right.

All right?

I look fantastic!

Can you drool for me, Fang?

For you, Skylar, anything.

What's that for?

I'll tell you at school.

So, what's up with the spit?

I have an idea.

I'm gonna try to get some lab time
before rehearsal starts.

You need your lab partner
for that?

This isn't homework.

- See you guys.
- Bye.

So, how we gonna get you
into school?

Don't worry about me.

You worry about asking that girl
out on a date.

- What are you talking about?
- I've got super smell, kid.

And you smell like a guy who
wants to ask that girl out.

Just ask her,
you know you want to.

You coming with me?

No, I think I'll take this suit
out for a test drive.

Just leave your locker open.

Okay, see you later.

This could be our chance.


( music playing in distance )

Cut it.

Can I help you?


Then what do you want?

I don't know.

Your drummer,
he just sounds... off.

No, I don't!
I sound great.

I told you.
Get it together.

At least I can play.
Not like Mr. Critic over there.

Why don't you get out of here,
Space Ace?

Take five, everyone.

Where's Sky?

I don't know.

( beeping )

( whistling ) Candygram !

( humming )

( chuckling )

( sniffing )


Smells like
an old sock in here.

( unzipping )

Did you order that jelly?

I did,
but they were out.

Even the grocery stores
were out.

A jelly shortage?

What's next... the Apocalypse?

Aw, man, I can't have this
clown tailing me all day.

You are a chicken.

( clucking )

- Can we help you?
- ( clucking )

( clucking )

Now, that is enough!

( coughing )


( wheezing )

( gasping )

What happened to you?

( coughing )

I don't want to talk about it.

What are you doing?

Why weren't you at rehearsal?

I was just
doing some extra lab work.

We got the morning off from class

to get ready for Battle of the Bands
and you're--

you're... nerding out in the science room.

What is wrong with you?

Do you want to go back to eating
your lunch alone in the library?

I took a chance on you, Sky.

Two years ago,
you were a major dork.

But I saw something in you

and let you hang out with us.

It's okay.

Ditching us like that was
a real slap in the face.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

What do you want?

I've come to talk to Skylar.

Her name is Sky
and you'd know that

if you weren't such a dweeb.

The only dweebs I see here
are you two.

Now, if you'll excuse me...
I'm gonna talk to Skylar.

We're her friends.

Whatever you want to say to her,
you can say in front of us.

Okay, fine.

Skylar, would you like
to go out with me sometime?

( laughing )

The answer is no.

I wasn't talking to you.



Uh... I'd...

I don't think so, Ace.


All right, Sky.

I better see you in
the auditorium in ten.

- Don't you think we can take a day off?
- A villain never rests.

- Yeah, what about a sidekick?
- Shut up!

( gasping )
We've arrived.

( groaning )

Well, that's the last of it.

Well, I guess you better
go get more then.


You know, you could lend
a hand once in a while.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.


this is gonna take
a few hours to settle.

- You wanna get some pizza?
- Nope.

I've whipped up this solution
that will gelatinize this right away.

( laughing maniacally )

- Come and get it.
- Come and get it.

- Come and get it!
- Come and get it.

- ( beatboxing )
- Ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh!

♪ Come and get it come and
get it come and get it ♪


♪ Come and get it
come and get it ♪ ♪

Is there any jelly?

No jelly.

No jelly?

No jelly.

( thundering )

- No jelly.
- No jelly?

No jelly!

Oh, this is bad, I need jelly.

I wish we could stop saying "jelly."

You need to find me some jelly.

( sniffing )

- What is it?
- Jelly!

( all screaming )


What was that?

- ( scampering )
- ( gasping )

- What was that?
- I don't know, but it doesn't sound good.

( both gasping )

Get that dog.

- Hey!
- ( growling )


- Hey!
- Hey!

- That's my dog.
- No, that's my dog.

- Who are you?
- None of your business.

Now give me my dog.

He's mine.

He's going to the pound.


I need that dog.

Hey, Frank, break's over.
Get in the van.

Yes, sir.

Uh, ma'am.

Uh, Doctor!

Please, mister, you can't
take my dog to the pound.

He's not like other dogs.

Give me a break, kid.

Ace, what is Fang doing here?

I know he's not
supposed to be here,

it's just that Fang--

- Fang is a--
- Fang is a what, Ace?

Fang is a special dog.

Every kid thinks their pet is special,
but Fang doesn't belong in school.

I just followed
a trail of destruction.

I understand it was caused
by that dog.

Principal Hickman,
I am so sorry.

Would someone mind explaining why
a disgusting dog is in my school?

Wait! Mom, you can't let them take
Fang to the pound.

- I'm sorry, sweetheart.
- But, Mom!

Don't make it worse.
Ace, come on.

Aren't you glad we got
that loser out of your life, Sky?

Where are you going?

If you leave,
you're no longer in our band.

You take one more step...

you turn that corner..!

You're in.

You're lucky you didn't get expelled.
You're lucky I didn't get fired.

I have enough to worry about
with the big concert tonight.

I'm sorry.

Can we just go get Fang
from the pound now?

No, we can't, I have too much to do.
We can get him tomorrow.

He can't be alone,
he needs me.

Ace, that's enough.

He's a dog, all right?

Now, you are not to
leave this room.

What about
the Battle of the Bands?

After what you pulled?

I can't show up with you.

Why not?

Because I'm an embarrassment?

Of course not.

But if tonight doesn't go well,
then I could be out of a job

and you...
could be out of a school.

That's it!

( harmonica playing )

Hey, Gus?

Can you-- can you take five, please?

[ man ] Sorry, Fang.

- ( pebble clanking )
- ( cat screeching )

[ Skylar ] Sorry, Pickles.

What are you doing here?

I called before, but your mom said
you were grounded.

I think I found a way for
Fang to walk in the sun.

Go around the back
so my mom doesn't see you.

I tested him for photodermatitis;

that's when
you're allergic to sunlight.

All Fang needs is allergy medicine.

Are you sure?

It can't cure him of
being a vampire,

but at least he can live
like a normal dog.

I was in the lab all afternoon
working on this.

What about your friends?

I can't be friends with people
who don't like me for who I am.

( dogs barking )

Hey, fellas?

Trying to make a call over here.

( phone ringing )

[ woman ] Operator.
can I help you?

Yeah, lady, I'm trying to
reach my friend Ace.

but I don't know the number.

Not a problem.
What's the last name?

Uh, hang on, let me think.

Something about pigs.

No, that's not it.

No, Cleverswine.
No, no, wait, Cunningham!

I have one listing for Cunnigham.
I'll connect you.

( phone ringing )


Susan, hey.

Yeah, I'm in a little bit
of a pickle over here.

- May I ask who's calling, please?
- It's Fang.

I'm stuck at the animal shelter.

You need to tell Ace
to come get me.

Who is this?

It's Fang,

your new dog.

Yeah, sure it is.

You've got to be kidding me.

He can try the medicine
when we pick him up tomorrow.

Thanks, Skylar.

And for what it's worth,

if you were to ask me out again,
I'd definitely say yes.

Somebody made a prank call
pretending to be Fang.

I'm heading to school.

Okay, sure.

( dialing )

( phone ringing )

[ Fang ] Uh, Animal Shelter speaking.

- Fang?
- Ace!

Ace, you got to rescue me, kid!

It's Fang,
he's in trouble.


Need a little help here.

Don't worry, Fang, we'll
get you out of there, just stay put.

Yeah, like I have a choice.

I used all my strength
just getting to the phone.

Let's go.

( dogs barking )

Keep it down, keep it down.

( chuckling )

Ah, these two just
do not know when to quit.

Well, it's closed.

- What do you mean, it's closed?
- You wanna get some Chinese food?

No, what-- what is it
with you and Chinese?

I told you, I'm on the Atkins.

You are? I've been meaning to tell you,
you look great.

Oh, Frank, give it up.

- Have you been lifting weights?
- I'm cutting out the buns.

Cutting out the buns, that's
how you do it.

Bread'll do it every time.

What are you doing? Use your lock thingy.
- What?

- Come on,
- Sorry, this is taking

a little bit longer to...



Here we go.



Did I ever mention
how much I hate animals?

Nice doggie.

Nice doggie.

Heel, heel....

There he is!

You don't scare me, little dog.

Your little vampire
tricks won't work on me.


Well, then
I guess I shouldn't try this.


Meow, meow, meow!

( hissing )

Meow, meow....

Ace, Skylar!

Hey, guys,
let's get out of here.

My mind control only lasts for
a few minutes.

( meowing )

Kids, the show's over,
let's go.

( laughing )

Okay, let's go!

( howling )

( Dr. Warhol meowing )

What are you doing up there?

Meow, meow, meow....

That stupid dog!


I'm a doctor!

Well, they're not clever enough to go home,
so where would they go?

Come on, Althea,

Think like a moronic 12-year-old.

Of course!

That ridiculous battle of the bands!

( laughing )

I'm coming for ya, puppy.

Get the van.


( crowd applauding )

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

the Lincoln Middle School
Jazz Ensemble.

( cheers and applause )

( playing Anchors Aweigh together )

We should go backstage.

Come on!


Sometimes I don't know
why I even bother.

Wow, it's a pretty good turnout, huh?

All right, it's time to
find those kids.

And their little dog, too!


- What?
- You sound like that old witch.

- Which old witch?
- The Wicked Witch.

Oh, shut up.

Get down!

She didn't see us.

- Ah! Gotcha!
- Run!


( cheers and applause )

( all laughing )


( all laughing )

Thank you to the
Lincoln Middle School Jazz Ensemble.

Now it's
Kennedy Middle School's turn.

( Beethoven's Ode to Joy
recorder solo )

( snoring )

You guys go ahead,
I'll catch up.

Ace, I think this is the point

where we call the police.

But Fang said that--

Who's the caretaker,
you or him?

Guys, I'm standing right here.

I can hear
everything you're saying.

Good point, call 'em.

Well, well, well.

( chuckling )

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Just give me the dog.

- Why don't you guys just leave us alone?
- Look, I won't hurt you.

Just give me the dog and you and you
and your little girlfriend can go.

( groaning )

( crickets chirping )

[ man clapping ] Yeah!


Woo-hoo, whoo!

( audience begins to clap )
[man] Yeah, all right!

( whistling )

Thank you to the representative
from Kennedy Middle School.

And now a band
from Lugosi Public School

has something special for us tonight.

( cheers and applause )


Did you get him?


I was thwarted by a herd of nerds!

You idiot.

( rock music playing )

Hold it, hold it!
Hold it!

( feedback blaring )

I'm sorry to admit
that Lugosi Public School...

is cheating.

This is a computerized
drumming program.

That boy can't drum.

Your music program is a fraud.

They told me to cheat!

They told me to do
whatever it takes to win!

That's not true and you know it.

[ Superintendent ] I'm sorry,
Lugosi Public School,

but we have to disqualify you from
this competition, pending investigation.

Ace, listen to what's happening.

No one told that boy to cheat,

- We would never--
- Perhaps not.

I mean, so far this evening,

Lugosi's musicianship has
been exemplary.

but the fact is,

the band in question is now
unable to compete.

If they had another drummer,
could they continue?

Well, I don't see why not.

[ Fang ] Well, this is
your chance, kid.

This is your time to show
everyone you got talent.

I can't help you from here.

This you have to do alone.

But, Ace,
you're a talented musician.

Now get out there and share
your talent and believe in yourself.

I do.

I'll do it.

Ace, you're here?

Can I drum?

Be my guest.

You guys need a drummer?


Yes, me.

Sky, could you tell this spazz

we don't need
his terrible drumming?

- Jenny?
- What?

My name is Skylar, okay?

Now shut up and let Ace drum.

He's really good.


All right!


( rhythmic clapping to music )


( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause )

[ man ] All right!

( cheers and applause )

Woo-hoo, woo-hoo!

( cheers and applause )

Let's get out of here.
We'll grab him on their way out.

( gasping )

We had a complaint of a couple
weirdos chasing some kids.


I don't have any idea what
they're talking about.

What about you?

I, uh...

Oh, I just want
this nightmare to be over.

Uh... we're the weirdos.

You traitor.

Shut up, you fake.

You're not even a real doctor.

- How dare you?
- Officer, I surrender.

What? No!

- You've got it all wrong.
- All right, let's go.

There's been some mistake.
You've got the wrong people!

This isn't part of my comeback!
- We're parked illegally.

Ladies and gentlemen,

after careful consideration,

we rule that
Lugosi Public School...

has displayed an excellence in
music education

that should continue.

As the School Board Superintendent,

I rule that Lugosi be
declared a charter school

for music education.

( cheers and applause )

Ace, I'm not happy about
you sneaking out, okay?

Even if it was for Fang.


But I'm also very, very proud of you

for drumming tonight...

and your dad would have
been proud, too.


No, I--

The dog is a vampire!

I need his DNA!
- Sure, lady.

Don't you know who I am?

Yeah, you're a nut job, lady.

If I could just explain.

He planned the whole thing.

He threatened to kick me
out of the school if I didn't help him.

Oh, way to
sell out your uncle.

Both of you be quiet now.

You're both in
a lot of trouble.

Arbuckle, Mrs. Cunningham
will take care of you.

Hickman, you're fired!

Don't look.

It's okay, Fang.
You can trust me.

I'm not so sure, Skylar.

Ace, what's
gonna happen to me?

Will you just trust her, Fang?

Well, it's no jelly,
but it's not bad.

Come on, boy!

Come on, Fang!

If this doesn't work,
I'm gonna fry, you know?

What are you, chicken?


Nobody calls me chicken.



You did it, I can't believe it!
I'm in the sun, I'm in the sun!

I'm actually running in the sun!
This is fantastic!

Ah, it's good to be a vampire dog!

- Come on, Fang!
- Let's go, buddy!

- Come on, let's go!
- Way to go, buddy!

- Who's a good boy?
- Come on, Fang!

- Let's go!
- Let's go! Let's go!

( playing When the Saints Go Marching In
together )

♪ I'm a mouse ♪

- You're planning--
- Okay, shut up.

- Why are we here?
- Well, we're...

[ both ]
♪ Trying to get a vampire dog ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

[ man ] The other way.

Kilmore Cosmetics has ordered
2 million units

of Wrinkle--
Not Wrinkle Be Gone?


Two million units of
Get Away Wrinkles.

If we don't--

- Get away--
- [ man ] Sorry, that's--

♪ I got a cousin
who's a rat ♪

You're lucky...

[ man ] It's okay, start again,

What are you carrying in there?


♪ ... cheese ♪

♪ So can't you please... ♪

Hey, slugger.
How's things?

Not so good, Uncle... Barry.

How's things?

Not so good, Uncle... Barry.

Uh, not too good, Uncle... Barry.

Not so good, Uncle Hickman.

Good, good to hear.

[ man ] Okay, sorry,
Let's go back to one--

- It's okay, it's okay,
- [ man ] Keep going.

♪ Au gratin ♪

I want every ounce of
jelly in this town.

( laughing )

You know, tuna's on special.

Then we can leave.

♪ Oh Caravane ♪

♪ Oh Gorgonzola ♪

There's nothing on it.

♪ Cheese, cheese
cheese, cheese ♪

Don't you think that maybe
a more subtle approach--

I will subtly approach your face

with a frying pan if you
don't get me that dog!

( laughing )

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Wait, where is it?

[ man ] Oh, it's on the counter.

[ man ] That's okay.

Look right up like that.

♪ Ow ♪
♪ Shake it down ♪

♪ Ow ♪
♪ Get back ♪

♪ Ow ♪
♪ Just like that ♪ ♪

[ man ] Action!
( whimpering )

( panting )
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

( clucking )

Now that is enough!

( clucking )

I didn't break an egg.

All right,
let's talk about it.

It's Vietnam in there.

Where were you?

( men laughing )

The only dweebs here are you two.

Now if you'll excuse me...


[ man ] All right, start from
walking into the door,

[ man ] Sounds good.

[ man ] Say it louder, Ray.

[ man ] Okay, rolling.

All right.

You look like Raggedy Ann.

2 million units of Getaway Gone.

If we don't make good on--

All right.

( chuckling )

2 million units of
Get Away Wrinkles.

( chuckling )

[ man ] Cut!

If we don't make good on that order...

We are-- Ahh!

We gotta go back.
Cut, cut!

Don't look.

[ man ] Cut!


- ( beatboxing )
- [ Dr. Warhol ] Ooh!

♪ Come and get it ♪

( beatboxing )

♪ Come and get it ♪

[ both ] ♪ Come and get it ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Come and get it
come and get it ♪

♪ Come and get it
come and get it ♪

♪ Come and get it ♪
♪ Ohh, ohh ♪

♪ Come and get it
come and get it ♪

♪ Come and get it
ooh, ooh ♪ ♪


- Cut!
- Jeez.