Vampire Dad (2018) - full transcript

I'm Victoria, Goddess
of the Underworld.

You caught me in my
feeding hour, lucky you,

or I should say unlucky you.

Well let's get to it.

I don't have all day.

It was 1962, Halloween night,

the Walenskis were passing out
candy to the local children.

I had a trick and Dr.
Walenski was my treat.

Trick or treat.

Well happy Halloween.

Well here's a treat for you.



There you go, okay off you go.

You be safe now, brush your
teeth, doctor's orders.

You have a wonderful
night, bye now.

Hello doctor.

Raymond, Raymond!

Sweetheart, isn't
it too much food?

Nonsense, it's our
little Susie's sweet 16

and I want to make a breakfast
that's fit for a queen.

I remember when you were 15.

Oh, do you now?

Oh, Raymond, what if
she comes in here?

Oh.

Good morning.

- Hello dear.
- Oh wow gee.



Yes, sweetheart I've
prepared all of your

favorite breakfast dishes, see.

Oh mom, you didn't
have to do that.

We want to ensure this is the
best sweet 16 birthday ever.

Sure thing daddy-o.

So daddy, I was thinking
you could pick me up

from school at 3:00
to go to the DMV.

Oh honey, I completely forgot.

You forgot?

We've been planning
this for six months.

Something's come up.

I'm so sorry dear.

How could something
just come up?

We've been planning this.

Darling your father and I
have something to tell you,

but we don't want you to worry.

Last week, when I told
you that your father

fell and hit his head
and we had to block

all of the light
out of the windows,

well that wasn't entirely true.

What do you mean?

Your father has a condition.

A condition?

Yes.

Hypermesisangrichavidarum.

Oh no, oh daddy.

I'm fine dear.

Your mother and I don't
want you to worry.

It's...

Ah, hello there's
the birthday girl.

Daddy, are you all right?

I'm fine dear.

Oh whoops, sorry about that.

Turn the fan on, it's...

Hey, what's wrong?

Uncle Bob, Daddy has
hypermesisangrivadarum.

I'm so worried.

Raymond has an
allergy to light Bob.

Oh, yeah, that
sounds awful.

Yes it is awful.

He can't even take
me to the DMV.

Oh sweetheart,
I would take you,

but I have a giant cake
to bake for your birthday.

It's okay I'll just get
my license another time.

Well hey I can take you.

Really Uncle Bob?

Yeah, anything
for you Susie Q.

Oh, well that's so kind Bob.

Isn't it dear?

Yes dear.

Oh, oh that's Margaret.

But but darling you
haven't had any breakfast.

Here have an egg and a pancake.

- Thank you mom.
- Oh.

Happy birthday my darling.

- Oh.
- Bye daddy.

Bye.

Pick me up 2:45 okay?

Our little angel
just hustling off

to be productive in this world,

my little bunny
just skipping along.

Hypermesisangrigravitdarum.

What was I supposed to say?

How about I had
an important client?

And make your daughter
feel like she comes second?

Bob how many times
do I have to tell you

not to bring blood into this
kitchen when Susie's here?

Ah, sorry sis.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

Do what?

Never mind.

Oh, by the way you
guys should have seen

the guy from last
night that I worked on.

300 pounds, shut
in, real sweet face,

you could tell he
was a good guy.

Thank to heaven but the
insides smelled nice.

Anyways, I got 15
liters out of him.

You're welcome.

We are so grateful
for all your help.

What would we do without you?

Um, that's what family is for.

Speaking of which, when are
you going to tell Susie?

- Never.
- Never.

Now who could that be?

It's 7:30 in the morning.

Natasha, Natasha.

You doing all
right there Raydog?

Hey sis.

Betty, I'm sure that
you have absolutely

nothing to worry about.

No my Ginger only barks
when she senses danger.

- Oh is that so?
- Yes.

You know is the
moon out recently?

Yes, because I hear that animals

are affected by lunar phases.

No no, it's more than that.

Hey sis, Raymond
is acting real kook.

Oh hello.

Hi.

Do you care to
introduce us sis?

Betty this is my brother Bob.

Bob, this is Betty.

- Oh Betty.
- Bob.

That's a name as well.

Oh my this is Ginger.

I have never seen a
finer dog in my life.

So you live near here?

Okay, don't even answer that.

That's all right.

Did you have
something to tell me?

Uh uh.

- Bob?
- Yeah.

It's just that
Raymond is acting a little off.

- Raymond?
- A little different.

A little different, what
do you mean by different?

He's not really the
same as yesterday.

Is everything okay?

Yes Betty everything is fine.

Everything is great.

It's bad.

How bad?

Pretty bad.

Is something going on?

- No Bob why don't you go...
- I could make you a drink.

And Betty everything is fine,

I'll let you know if
there's any unusual activity

in the neighborhood, all right?

- All right.
- Stop by anytime.

- Yes, Goodbye Bob.
- I'm usually here.

- I'd like that.
- Ciao.

- Maybe tomorrow.
- Yes, thank you,

- bye bye.
- Bye Betty.

Bye.

This is bad.

Yeah, but at least he's
cleaning up after himself.

Ms. Jones is Dr. Walenski.

Are
you feeling better?

Yes, that is why I'm calling.

I need to reschedule our
appointment for today.

No no, nothing is wrong.

I'm just a little
under the weather

and I wouldn't want
you to catch my bug.

Yes, I'm sure I'll be fine.

I will do that, okay thank you.

Hey Ray-dio, practice
has really taken a dump eh?

Been there.

Well don't worry about it,
everything's gonna bounce back.

Why are you so chipper?

Because my friend I believe

in the power of
positive thinking.

There's nothing
positive about this.

I'm a monster Bob.

Okay, A that's not true,
you're not a monster.

You're a great dad.

You just love blood.

And B, this is very positive.

I mean look at me.

Before this happened, I
was alone with dead people

and now I'm here with you guys,

draining cadavers,
learning psychiatry.

We're best friends.

This is very positive.

What happens if I go completely
crazy in front of Susie?

That's not gonna happen,

because I'm not gonna allow it.

No we'll figure it out.

You're a psychiatrist,
let's psychiatrize this.

I got it.

I can hypnotize you.

It takes a
trained professional

to properly hypnotize
a subject Bob.

Nah, I've seen movies.

You are getting very sleepy.

No I'm not.

Your eyes find
themselves closing.

I'm wide awake.

You find yourself in a
trance-like state Raydog.

Hmm.

Did it work?

You!

Ah.

Hiya, I'm Bob.

I'm Victoria, Goddess
of the Underworld.

Ah jeepers, I thought
hey there's a colleague.

I work with the dead
too, put it there.

I wish there could
have been another way,

Dr. Walker but you came
highly recommended.

Oh, did you want
to say something?

It's Dr. Walenski, Raymond
Walenski, not Walker.

Oh dear, I made a mistake.

You ruined my life.

Walker, Walenski it's
an easy mistake to make.

Don't be mad.

You turn people into monsters.

I never harm anybody
without a good reason.

I'm not a beast Raymond.

The underworld has
such a bad reputation.

It really hurts the way
we are misunderstood.

We have feelings Raymond.

We?

Us, changelings, vampires,
zombies, witches, ghouls,

heck even the smelly werewolves.

You recruited me
into your little club

because you need a psychologist.

Actually, I meant
to bite Mr. Walker,

but I guess you'll do.

Ah, such a temper, my goodness.

Well your patients will be
arriving shortly and who knows?

In time, you actually might
find it quite rewarding.

Welcome to the family
Mr. Walker.

He's a strange one.

Bye bye.

It's Walenski.

I like her.

I hate her.

Wait no no, you are
looking at this all wrong.

Okay this, this an opportunity.

I can't believe you're making
this into a positive thing.

Of course I am, listen
think of all those creatures

out there sad, lonely,
in need of help.

This is a way for you to put
your practice back on its feet

and do some real good
at the same time.

Only you would say that.

You love dead people.

I do.

You really get me.

We're
not best friends.

You're upset.

Hello dear.

Oh, hello handsome.

You feeling more
like yourself dear?

I am.

You have done a fantastic job.

Susie will love it.

Where is our birthday girl?

Oh, she's getting ready.

Oh by the way I bought
her a birthday dress.

It was just a little bit pricey,

I hope you don't mind.

It's worth it.

- Oh look at that.
- Darling.

Oh.

Oh dear, do you have
any idea how long

that flower arrangement
took me to do?

The rose looks better on you.

Well I wouldn't
even know would I?

You hid all the mirrors
in the garage didn't you?

I feel so horrible lying to her.

Yes, me too.

If anybody sees a giant
bug don't step on it.

Wow, you guys look fantastic.

Here get together.

Okay say cheese.

Oh yeah, this is
gonna be a keeper.

Now who's that?

Gee, Susie like a movie star.

I'm so happy you can
make it tonight Jimmy.

Oh Susie.

Now that you
know where I live,

you can come over any time.

Any time?

Any time.

Whoa whoa whoa, what
about your parents?

You can meet them, come, come!

Mom, dad, Uncle Bob, this is
Jimmy Dawson, my boyfriend.

Glad to meet you sir, ma'am.

Boyfriend.

Jeepers, you're a
handsome man Jimmy.

Welcome to the family.

Boyfriend.

Jimmy and I have been
going steady for a month.

A month.

That's right.

A month.

- Sweetheart.
- James.

Sweetheart, that's not
the dress that I bought you.

Don't I look
like a movie star?

- Yes, so tight.
- Very mature.

I hate him.

Honey.

Hey you guys scoot closer.

Let's take a picture.

Oh no, I don't
think we should.

Yeah.

Oh.

Say cheese.

You could be sisters.

Now my supper's burning.

So Jimmy, tell
me what do you do?

Well sir, I'm a poet.

Ah, I'm a
mortician myself.

Wow how do you
end up morticianing?

Well let's see after the
navy, I ended up applying

and then flunking out of medical
school then nursing school,

then a lot of other schools,

eventually I
couldn't even get in.

And then luckily the
school for the funeral arts

was accepting everybody and
one thing led to another

and now pure bliss.

Gee, what a gas huh?

Yes, what a gas.

So James, poetry
you say it for a job?

You can do it as a job?

Oh, which
reminds me sweetie.

I got you something.

Look at me shaking.

Woo, my Susie Q,

- with eyes so blue.
- Her eyes are brown.

Your heart so
tender, skin so soft,

forever true, my
love will be for you,

my sweet Susie Q.

That's the most romantic
thing I've ever heard.

Help me.

- You like it?
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

Just look at them.

Poetry is power.

Oh dear.

You like it?

Oh they're really
going for it?

Darling, darling,
it's all right,

over here, over
here, over here, yes,

all right see yes.

Oh, shall we eat?

Do you need help dear?

No, I'm fine honey.

Uncle Bob, can
I see the photos?

Oh of course, what do
you think of my handiwork?

That's weird.

Dad, you're not in
any of the photos.

That is very strange.

You know what
that probably is.

I bought this film
from a carnival worker

and you cannot trust them.

Have you ever
seen such a thing?

No.

Maybe your dad's a vampire.

That's so funny.

The reason that she's
laughing so boisterously

is because there's no reason
he could be a vampire.

No, if that were true, all
of us would be lying to you

and keeping a huge secret.

Well you know what they say,

vampires can't be seen in photos
because they have no soul.

I didn't know that.

- Yeah, I read that.
- I read that too.

Here you go, you go
ahead and get started dear,

I'll be right back.

Yes dear.

Dad are you all right?

Yes, yes, just managed
to pinch a nerve didn't I?

Cover that up so
nobody can see it.

Hey hi, so how did you
two lovebirds meet?

In chemistry class.

Chemistry, do
you like chemistry?

Oh yeah, it's neat.

I flunked four times,

but Susie's been really
good helping me out.

She's really helping me
get the hang of it now.

She's really smart.

She is smart, like her mother.

Oh thank you dear.

Yes please, oh yeah.

Here's to a family
with no secrets.

No.

I think this is your dad's.

Oh look at that, it's
your special wine dear.

It's divine, aged to
perfection as they say.

- Can I try some?
- No, no you may not dear.

You drink your water.

Eat your loaf.

Okay.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Susie ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Happy birthday.

Oh.

Is that how welcome
all your new patients?

The kick?

Who are you?

I'm Oliver, I'm here
to see Dr. Walenski.

- Oh yes yes.
- Oh Dr. Walenski.

I was referred by Vicky.

Wonderful, please
have a seat over here.

- Okay okay.
- Please walk forward,

lie down on the couch.

Raymond!

My love, my sweet darling.

I assure I'll
explain everything,

but for now could you
please give us some privacy?

Let the doctor do his work.

Privacy?

Yes dear.

Bats flying around in my
house, Susie where are you?

How are we gonna
help this creature?

Get out Bob.

That sounds wise.

Shall we begin?

Is that a trick question?

I feel like that's
a trick question.

I feel like you're
trying to trick me.

You're just like all the others

and by the others I mean dad,

and by dad I mean my father

and by father I mean my papa.

You want to know something?

You want to know my
father said to me.

He goes, "Humans no
matter where they're from,

"they can all do one
thing really well.

"They can all die.

"You know what you can't do son?

"You can't die."

How did that make you feel?

Clearly, I'm not comfortable.

I'm not comfortable with myself,

which is really the problem.

Yeah, you want to
know what it is?

Okay, great question,
I'll tell you.

I don't like myself and I
definitely don't love myself,

so there you go, so how do
you fix that in one session?

This isn't people
stuck on an island.

From
the depths of evil

comes the diabolic killer
of beautiful women.

That's not good.

It's in
the vampire's coffin.

Oh Raydog.

Is that Bob I smell?

Oh.

Oh, you're on all the
channels, that's neat.

Embrace the darkness or
else there will be no light.

No no, no no no no no no no.

Hmm.

Hey, you don't
look too good buddy.

What's going on?

Where's Natasha?

She took Susie to school.

Okay open up what's going on?

I ate Betty's dog.

Ah, it is a good thing
you are my best friend.

I bet she'll need
someone to comfort her.

Okay, always a bright side.

I feel very sick.

Yeah, well vampires aren't
supposed to eat animals.

How am I supposed
to know that Bob?

It's common knowledge.

Really go to the library.

Susie is home.

I thought you said
she was at school.

Oh my angel what
are you doing home?

Hi hey.

What are you two
doing, is that blood?

Uncle Bob is conducting
experiments for work with blood.

Uh huh.

- Oh, that's gross.
- Disgusting.

But is it?

I'm thinking of these as dolls.

I'm gonna call
them blood buddies.

This one is Margaret,
she's a musician.

This one, what did
you name this one?

Ed.

I just forgot my book bag.

Oh, there it is
right there sweetheart.

- Good cover buddy.
- Have a good day Uncle Bob.

You too kiddo.

You two should kiss.

Honey, I know things have been

different the last two weeks.

I know we haven't gotten
much time to spend together.

That's okay.

How are you feeling?

Oh wonderful, just peachy.

- Dad?
- Hmm?

Is there a cure for
hypermemisangrivadarum?

Oh, hypermesisgravi,
gravi, no.

No, I'm afraid not.

Are you gonna die?

Oh no.

Oh, oh I'm so glad.

I was really worried.

Were you now?

Of course I love you dad.

Oh, I love you too sweetheart.

Oh, I'm gonna be late.

Oh yes of course.

Sorry about that it
was a little dramatic.

I'm sorry I forgot about the...

Oh no, no no no off you go.

- Are you okay?
- Yes wonderful.

Little hot under the
collar so they say.

Off you go, have a great day.

Okay, watch out, sorry.

Yes, yes, off you go.

I'll be here, just
call if you need me.

Honey, ice pack.

Oh God, Bob, don't you
have to work or something?

For goodness sake.

You know the beauty with
working with the dead is

they never know if
you're blowing off work.

Listen, the ladies are coming
over for bridge any minute.

Hey, speaking of that,
Betty is coming yes?

Yes.

Oh, that's them.

Promise you won't embarrass me.

Sis, it's me.

Can you pick these up for me?

Bob!

I need grapes.

We have some lovely cocktails

prepared for you
ladies this evening.

- Thank you.
- Lovely.

So why the blackout
curtains Natasha?

Well haven't you heard?

It's the latest thing to
prevent premature aging.

Yes I just hung
them a few weeks ago

and I already feel
years younger.

Well you do look
wonderful Natasha.

I'm so worried.

My little Ginger didn't
come home last night.

I'll get the hors d'oeuvres.

- Perhaps she's in heat.
- Yes.

Animals have a very
strong urge to mate.

No no no, I'm telling you

that there's
something not right.

I'm certain I saw a man lurking
around my house last night.

Oh Betty, come on,

now this is a perfectly
safe neighborhood.

What if there's a predator?

I live alone.

Who's going to protect me?

Probably Mr.
Peters, they tell you

he tried to look up my
skirt the other day?

Horny old man!

Ah, here we are!

Oh goodness me, I forgot to
take your coats, how silly!

Thank you, thank
you, there we are.

There we are.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Jane, Mary, this
is my brother Bob.

He's visiting.

- Hey Bob.
- Hello.

Hi.

Hello again.

Would you ladies
care for a drink?

I'd love that.

- Yes, please.
- Yes.

Just hold on.

He's a dreamboat,
an absolute dreamboat.

- Betty.
- Betty.

- Your cards.
- Oh yes.

Let's play the game.

That's why we're here.

- That's right.
- Yes.

Dreadful hand.

- Bob.
- Yeah?

Is that your doing?

Is what my doing?

Betty's dead dog
is in the closet.

Oh, so that's where he put it.

And you knew about this?

Of course I knew.

God, all right,
just act normal.

- I always do.
- Go be normal.

How are we doing here?

Oh Raymond, may I
have a word with you?

Excuse me.

Raymond, what is Betty's
dead dog in the coat closet?

I'm sorry honey.

Raymond, how could you?

It's so annoying how
it barked all the time.

I couldn't help myself.

Raymond, you cannot go
around biting people's dogs.

What if people get suspicious?

Yes, no more pets.

And just so you know
it made me really sick.

Good, oh.

Thank you dear.

Well.

Okay.

For milady.

It's beautiful, so
festive and you three.

It's lovely, mahalo.

Mahalo.

Natasha tells me that
you're a mortician.

Indeed I am, I perform
the funeral arts.

Oh, that's where
I know you from.

You dealt with my
late husband Mort.

I see so many dead
bodies I don't know.

Well you did, you
were the only in town

and you made him look
30 years younger.

I guess I have a talent,
but I'll tell you the secret,

a little bit of coconut oil,

- stop it.
- Stop it.

- Coconut oil and...
- Stop it.

And a luffa does wonders.

Well I know I'm not dead yet,

but could you do that for me?

What, I want to
look 30 years younger.

It's a luffa,
not a magic wand.

Oh Natasha you must feel
so safe living in this house

with two strong
men to protect you.

Oh.

Eh?

Yes, yes.

She does.

You know my dog
Ginger that you met?

She's missing and I'm certain
that a prowler took her.

Ginger was a fantastic beast.

It's probably just a coyote
or a ravenous raccoon.

You know what why don't we
just play the game shall we?

No trump in this round.

I live alone you know.

Oh, I didn't know that.

- Yes.
- No husbands or lovers?

Not at the moment.

Oh, well if you'd
like I could come over

and help check your
locks and your windows.

I'd like that.

You would?

You know you
have very kind eyes

and your fluffy beard
it's just beautiful.

You remind me of someone.

Ginger?

I was thinking more
like a cross between

Santa Claus and Frankie Avalon.

I think it's your turn.

She's got a seven, a
four, two nines and a jack.

- Oh!
- God sake!

- Ruin the game!
- Betty.

- You're up.
- Cinnamon roll anyone?

- Yes thank you.
- No thank you.

He makes a wonderful cocktail.

He's a dreamboat,
an absolute dreamboat.

Yes, I've been told.

Dad?

Oh hi sweetie.

- Hello.
- How was your day?

Oh it was really good.

That's a really nice tie.

Oh, oh yes.

Yes it is, not my
favorite, but...

It looks really good on you.

Oh, well maybe I'll
wear it more often.

Did you need help
with your homework?

No, I just wanted
to talk with you.

Oh, yes of course.

What is it sweetie?

So you talk to people
and you help them

with relationships
and their feelings

and how that all works together.

And this is really
embarrassing actually,

it's about sex.

Sex?

Yes.

I know a kid doesn't
normally talk to a parent

about this kind of thing,

but since you are a doctor,

I was thinking you
could see me as a client

and you could give
me your advice.

Hmm, does Jimmy want to have

with you?

That's just the thing.

He thinks we should wait
and I don't understand why.

Perhaps it's because
he could go to jail

for a very long
time, it's illegal.

- Dad.
- He's breaking the law.

- Dad.
- You are far too young

to be thinking about these
types of things with boys.

I am not too young.

You are 12 years old.

I am 16 years old.

I just had a birthday.

Happy birthday to you.

You don't understand.

Has he married you, do you
have a ring on your finger?

- Well no.
- Exactly.

- No, but I...
- You consummate

- upon marriage.
- I thought you

of all people would
understand this.

I know that you think
he's a nice young man.

- He is.
- But there are

a lot of nice young
men in the world

and you don't give this thing
to the first one you meet.

Mom did.

That was different.

No it's not.

How is it different?

We were in love.

We are in love.

We love each other.

She loves me and I love her.

We are in love.

You are not in love.

You go to your room.

You are so wrong.

Go to your room,
come back here, uh,

we'll continue this later.

Okay honey good talk.

Love, capital L, love, oh.

Oh, my love.

Are you all right dear?

- Not really.
- Oh my.

You seem flush darling.

Here take this off, here
let me help you with that.

Thank you my dear.

We'll just set it
here for now all right.

Wait a minute,
Raymond, what did you do?

Oh nothing.

I don't believe you.

I know that face.

It's Susie.

- You bit Susie?
- No.

I wouldn't do that.

She is our daughter.

She tried to talk
to me about sex.

Sex?

I was completely unprepared.

Oh, my poor little sweet

innocent angel
princess doll Susie.

I'm going to kill
that boyfriend.

Susie, Susie come
down here right now.

Natasha, Natasha, that
will only make things worse.

Oh my poor little Susie
going out with that poet.

Wait here.

Oh for heaven's sakes.

Did you need something mom?

Yes Susie, you and I

we're going to have
a nice little chat.

He told you didn't he?

I hate dad.

Well now don't you talk
about your father that way.

I shared with dad
private, personal things

and instead of treating
me like a client,

he treated me like a child.

Darling, your father
and I both agree

that Jimmy is too old for you.

- He's only 18.
- You're 16.

I love him.

I, I

- Jimmy Jimmy?
- Yes Jimmy.

Oh you know what darling?

You you you should be
patient with your father

because he's been through a
very difficult last few weeks.

I just feel like
he's being difficult.

Yes, yes, I agree, I agree.

I know you don't like Jimmy.

I'm sure that he was
a very nice person.

- Was?
- Is.

When you met daddy was
it love at first sight?

Um, yes actually yes.

It was love at
first sight darling.

Oh so you understand
how I feel for Jimmy?

Oh dear.

Oh oh oh, oh dear.

Oh oh dear.

- Oh ma.
- Oh I'm sorry darling.

It's okay mom.

Oh goodness no, I just...

It's okay mom.

I know, I'm sorry dear,
I just love you so much.

I just want to hold you
for a moment longer.

Okay, that's all
right, there we are,

that's fine, I'm fine now.

I'm fine now.

I'm so glad we had this talk.

Yes, it was a very nice
talk, wasn't it dear?

Yes, yes, I feel
better thank you.

Me too all right
why don't you go

and lay that lovely,
perfect head of yours

on that pillow upstairs
in your bedroom?

- Good night mom.
- All right,

- good night dear.
- Good night.

Raymond Walenski.

It's not what you think.

Actually it is what you think.

I found him sneaking into
Susie's bedroom window.

Oh God, what is our
daughter Susie going to think

when she finds out that
you killed her boyfriend?

I didn't kill him.

I was biting him, then I came
to my senses just in time.

Oh God, oh this is awful.

Raymond, this is just awful.

What are we going to do

when he turns into
a vampire Raymond?

I didn't think about it.

No you didn't think
about that did you?

Ha, that Betty is
something else huh?

Oh, come on guys, look I know

she's a little bit older right

and she's your
neighbor but I promise

boy I am keen over
that peachy pie

and I'm not gonna
screw the pooch.

I'm gonna take care of
her because I love her.

God, Bob, can't you
stop talking about Betty?

Can't you we've got
real problems here?

What happened?

I bit Jimmy.

You bit Jimmy?

He's in the closet.

He's in the closet?

- Turning into a vampire.
- Turning into a vampire?

- Susie doesn't know.
- Susie doesn't know.

Would you both just stop that?

Just help us please.

Well this is a pickle.

Okay, okay.

Okay, here's what's
gonna happen.

We're gonna be fine.

We just have to
keep up appearances.

And that's why we are gonna
throw a cocktail party.

Oh.

Me flapjacks,
making flapjacks.

Everything looks lovely, lovely.

Oh, good morning sweetheart.

Good morning.

I have your book
bag all ready for you

and alphabetized by your books,

looked over you algebra,
wonderful, great job, so.

Where's mom?

She's feeling a
little under the weather

with the month things.

So you'll learn all about
it in college university.

Sorry I got mad
at you last night.

No no no, I'm
sorry you came to me

seeking advice from a
medical professional

and there I was acting
like a crazy father.

I understand.

I just I really want you and
mom to give Jimmy a chance.

He's sweet and funny and
wonderful and marvelous.

Oh we just want
you to be happy.

Than you daddy.

What was that?

Nothing.

That was your mother
vacuuming yet again,

she's a vacuumer, always
vacuuming that one.

So we are going to get
you your breakfast.

I made you a fork, just use that

and then just take
a little sip there,

get your vitamin C and calcium.

Mm, yummy yum, gee, yum.

Thank you.

Okay, off you go.

Thanks dad.

Love you, tear it and eat
away, chomp chomp-a-roo.

How long has it been since
you were transformed?

Three months ago I was normal.

I was smaller.

I didn't have all this
hair and these teeth.

And now I'm eating people.

I just I just have no life.

Oh well I there must
be something positive

about your existence.

It's really hard to go home.

My family, my wife, my
daughter, I love that bitch.

I'm still a dad.

Have they accepted you?

Well I don't think
they have a choice.

I pay the bills.

- Oh, that's good.
- My wife does not work.

Pain in my ass, but I love her.

I love her.

I have nobody.

I have nothing.

They just keep me in
my room all the time

and I couldn't even eat anybody.

Brains taste like, oh
God let me tell you

brains taste like
will you assist me?

You're still accounting?

I work from home, so
I don't see my clients.

Oh good.

Well our neighbor saw
me for like five minutes.

- And then?
- He can't see anymore.

Of course, ate his...

Oh man, I have this
sick feeling all the time.

I see okay.

Well William have you tried
the healing power of hypnosis?

Bob.

Go.

So where we?

Sorry that just
comes over you once in a while.

Well, that's all the
time we have for today.

Good session, so off you go.

Do you fly?

No, I walk.

Oh, well off you go.

Oh yeah Raymond you're
getting pretty good at this.

You know that boy is still
in the closet though?

You should probably
go check that one out.

You should have just
finished him off you know.

Hey what are you doing with me?

Put me down, put me down.

What are you writing Bob?

I've been working
on a love poem.

You want to hear it?

No.

My sweet Betty fills
my heart with confetti.

Today can be our time
if you'll only be mine.

What's the matter dear?

Is the rhyme scheme
too complicated?

No.

It's Jimmy.

He hasn't answered
my phone calls.

I haven't seen him in two days.

I think he broke up with me.

Maybe he's sick.

Or he probably
joined the navy.

Daddy?

Can I please borrow the
car to check on him?

Oh I don't know if you
need to leave the house,

plus the car's out of gas.

You shouldn't drive
when you're emotional.

Don't leave the house.

♪ Oh Susie ♪

You know what kiddo?

Let's do get out of here.

Let's get some ice cream.

I'll let you drive the hearse.

That's a wonderful
idea isn't it?

Yes, mm-hmm.

Just let me grab my coat.

No no, wait darling,
don't go in the closet dear,

because your father has just
sprayed for toxic spiders,

isn't that right dear?

Yes dear.

Okay, see, plus you're
already wearing Jimmy's sweater.

Oh dear, he's starting
to turn Raymond.

What are we going to do?

I feel just awful.

I wish I could undo all of this.

Well that doesn't
help us now does it?

Okay come on Raymond,
think think darling.

Oh just give me a moment.

- What are you doing?
- Shh.

Raymond!

What was I supposed to do?

At least he's quiet now.

Raymond, I love you, but I
hardly recognize you anymore.

Well I hardly
recognize myself.

My love, I'm so very sorry.

I know this has
been hard on you.

You've been incredibly
good getting everything.

I just want things to
go back to normal again.

Oh my darling,
of course you do.

And they will, I promise.

Except for werewolves

and the underworld and counseling
the creatures of the night

and bloodsucking and dead
animals and teenagers and well.

Pig in a blanket ladies?

- Oh thank you.
- Thank you so much.

Hello, oh hello.

Pig in a blanket?

Oh, thank you.

Bob, may I speak
to you for a moment?

Sure you mind giving
us a minute here wiggles?

Sure.

Oh wow.

- Wiggles?
- Oh, you better believe it.

- Where's Raymond?
- I don't know.

Well where could he be?

Hello everyone,
sorry I'm late.

Oh hello darling.

Where have you been?

Bob, may I borrow your hearse?

- You bet.
- Hearse,

what did you do dear?

Mr. Peters.

He's in the shed.

No, oh Raymond.

Oh, he was peaking into
Betty's bedroom window.

Bob, I
met a guy named Bob

and he is the most wonderful
man that I've ever seen.

He was peaking into
Betty's bedroom window.

My Betty's window?

That's the one.

Thanks Raydog.

But, but but but right away.

You bet.

Oh oh, Raymond dear, your
base nature is out of control

- my darling.
- Nature, I feel fine.

And white whine for the lady
and a red for the gentleman.

It's a college football player.

A toast to friends.

And neighbors, mm mm mm.

- To friendship.
- To friendship.

Everything
is wonderful Natasha.

Oh thank you Jane.

You must have
spent days cooking.

Oh, it's what I love to do.

Hello, hi mom, hi daddy.

Oh hello sweetheart,
pig in a blanket?

Oh thank you.

Oh, someone's thirsty.

I'll be back.

Oh and she's off.

You look wonderful dear.

Oh thank you.

Sorry Raydio, I forgot the
guy jumped off the bridge

because he was tripping on LSD.

Daddy.

Daddy.

Roll over.

Raymond.

Daddy.

Oh.

You can't protect
your girls forever.

Eventually, Susie will find out.

Raymond.

Daddy, I'm pregnant.

It was you wasn't it?

Dog murderer!

Vampire!

Vampire!

Oh dear.

Honey are you all right?

- Yes just.
- Well.

Darling you all right dear?

Why don't we go and
sit down over here?

- Yes.
- Why your father

just had too many pigs
in a blanket that's all.

Pigs.

Would you just
stand up really quick?

Betty what is your last name?

- Winslow.
- Oh I thought

it'd be more Jewish.

No, it's just Winslow.

Okay, Betty Winslow
will you make me

the happiest man on
Earth and by my bride?

- Yes.
- Yes?

- Yes!
- Yes, okay.

Susie?

Jimmy!

Don't bite me!

No.

No, Susie!

Now I can explain everything.

Now I know this may
seem bizarre for you,

the whole vampire
thing, but really dear

it is quite miraculous.

Your father was
handpicked by yours truly

and he is a very
special, a very great man

and us creatures of the
underworld, well we need him.

So if you promise not to scream,

I'll promise not you bite you.

Sound good?

Great.

Handpicked, for what why?

Well your father's
been treating us

with our emotional well-being.

Monsters are real.

Monsters have feelings.

Yes, why does everybody
keep saying that to me?

Do you have any
idea what it's like

to see your friends
and your family

wither away while you
stay exactly the same?

Now I don't mind the
not wrinkling part,

but it does get
very, very lonely.

Jimmy!

What about him?

Why is he?

Well that was an accident.

You can blame your
father for that one.

He lost his temper,
but don't be mad.

He will need some guidance.

He's a bit simple that one.

Okay, I think I understand.

My father and my boyfriend
are both vampires

- because of you.
- Yes.

You've ruined our life you!

My my, you are indeed
your father's child.

Well then why don't
you come with me?

I'll show you.

Whoa, where we are?

We are in the
monster's hall of fame.

Is that you?

No, that is my mother Gloria.

She was a real pain in the ass.

Over there, is my
brother Victor.

He works in Transylvania.

Why did you bring me here?

- Well do you see that?
- Yes.

That is where your
father's painting will go.

That says Dr. Walker and
my father is Dr. Walenski.

Well Igor will you
change that plaque already?

Point is your father
has a calling.

What's that?

Hmm, oh that.

That is for your Uncle Bob.

Uncle Bob?

He found a new set of powers!

I am Bob!

And we are still trying
to understand them.

Let's get you back.

Will I see you again?

Of course, we are practically
sisters now.

Oh God, Raymond
I'm so worried.

She's been gone 12 hours now.

What are you doing?

No!

No, stop that!

You and Susie are
better off without me.

Raymond!

You know what?

Fine, go ahead
kill yourself dear.

I don't care whether
you live or die.

Why with the hitting?

That's gonna leave a mark.

You again?

You're new here,
okay I get it,

look I'm here, I'm a regular.

I'll be here long
after you're gone.

Okay, I'm here.

It's Oliver, I'm here
to see Dr. Walenski

for 9:00 a.m. Tuesday.

He's in the oven
at the moment.

I'm the 9:00 a.m.

I'm the Tuesday 9:00
a.m. Dr. Walenski.

Raymond you're
nine o'clock's here.

Damn it!

Dr. Walenski?

Oh, there you are
such an honest face.

I thought about what
you said, not all of it,

because frankly, you were
projecting and that's normal,

but I just feel like...

Yes, can this session
not happen in my kitchen

unless you want to
chop onions with me,

I suggest you follow
him into his office.

Thank you very much.

I'm the dark.

I'm afraid of me, right, right?

Yeah, that's very true.

I just need you to say
everything's gonna be okay.

Right this way Oliver.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Can you just say
everything's gonna be okay?

- This way.
- Okay right this.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Dr.
Walenski, Dr. Walenski.

There's stairs.

Please sit down.

I love you both, but I'm very
disappointed in your actions.

What we did was inexcusable.

I'm very sorry.

I hate that you
both lied to me.

And we are so very,
very sorry aren't we?

When your father was
bitten, we made a pact

that we would protect
you no matter what.

We didn't want you
to be scared darling.

I'm very sorry about Jimmy.

It's okay.

It's understandable.

Oh.

You are so grown up.

We were wrong not
to have told you.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Hypermesisangrivadarum?

Yes well.

Does Uncle Bob know?

He brings your father cadaver
blood from the mortuary.

Now I've come to learn

that there's a lot
more to this world

than we could have
ever imagined.

I was recruited by the Goddess
of the Underworld, Victoria

to provide counsel to the
creatures of the underworld.

It turns out monsters have
a lot of emotional issues.

Goddess?

Yes dear.

Is she beautiful?

I suppose.

Did she do anything
other than bite you?

Natasha.

Well what else am
I supposed to think

when a beautiful goddess
comes for my husband?

So dad, will you live forever?

Yes dear.

Crosses?

No.

Holy water?

Garlic?

Oh that's a myth.

I put lots of garlic
in that brisket

that you like that
you can't eat anymore.

That brisket was divine.

Thank you dear.

Is there anything else you
two would like to tell me?

Well I have incredibly
heightened sense of hearing.

Have you heard my private
conversations with Jimmy?

Oh God, his parents must
be so worried about him.

Well his parents are dead.

Oh good.

I love you both.

We love you darling.

Oh.

Well hey-o, hey-o, what
a beautiful morning indeed.

Oh well somebody's feeling

so much better
today aren't they?

Yes, thank you Bob.

No really Natasha,
thank you ever so much

for the most wonderful
cocktail party last night.

Oh, yes it was rather
special wasn't it dear?

Yes dear.

- It really was special.
- It was so special.

- It really was.
- You're special.

- You're special.
- Oh I could eat you up.

Do it.

Oh Betty can I see your ring?

Oh my would you look at that?

- That is...
- Isn't it beautiful?

Beautiful!

I stole it from a body.

There was a pretty
bad house fire.

I love it.

And I love you.

I love you.

Come here you.

Oh you had a big breakfast.

You make me so hungry.

Oh darling.

Oh.

I love you, I love you.

Wait, my back, my back.

Hi Jimmy.

Hey Susie.

I'm sorry I ran away
like that last night.

It was just all so unexpected.

I guess I got scared.

I understand.

So you have fangs now?

Can I see them?

I am proud

to be guiding these lost souls,

these monsters of
the underworld.

Group therapy is really
doing wonders for everyone,

realizing we are
not alone in this.

The whole vampire thing
hasn't been so bad.

My daughter finally
thinks I'm cool.

My wife finds me irresistible.

And Bob moved out.

He's just across the street,
but he's not here, so.

My daughter's teenage
vampire boyfriend

lives here now and he's like
the son I never had or wanted.

Well it's all
perspective really.

I will outlive everyone I know.

I will watch my beautiful
wife and daughter

age and die in front of me as
I remain like this forever.

I may have to drink
the blood of a human

from time to time, but
I never pick anyone

who doesn't deserve it.

All in all I have been chosen

and I am honored to be a
pivotal part of the dark world.

After all we all have
a little monster in us.

We hope you enjoyed
our little tale.

And if you like this, then
you will love what's to come.

♪ I was looking in
the land late night ♪

♪ When my eyes beheld
an eerie sight ♪

♪ For a monster from
his lab began to rise ♪

♪ And suddenly to my surprise ♪

♪ He did the mash ♪

♪ He did the monster mash ♪

♪ The monster mash ♪

♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪

♪ He did the mash ♪

♪ It caught on in a flash ♪

♪ He did the mash ♪

♪ He did the monster mash ♪

♪ From my laboratory
in the castle east ♪

♪ To the master bedroom
where's the vampires feast ♪

♪ The ghouls all come
from their humble abode ♪

♪ To get a jolt
from my electrode ♪

♪ They did the mash ♪

♪ They did the monster mash ♪

♪ The monster the mash ♪

♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪

♪ They did the mash ♪

♪ It caught on in a flash ♪

♪ They did the mash ♪

♪ They did the monster mash ♪

♪ The zombies were having fun ♪

♪ The party had just begun ♪

♪ The guests included
wolfman, Dracula and his son ♪

♪ The scene was rocky ♪

♪ All were digging the sounds ♪

♪ Igor on chains backed
by his baying hounds ♪

Thanks for watching Vampire
Dad, hope you liked it.

Buy more tickets, you're
watching this on cable.